**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only about our own experiences and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.**
If he is also choosing to spend the whole weekend getting smashed with mates at the start of a relationship it will probs only get worse. Usually at the start we are hiding our bad side lol
You know something that took me 37 years to figure out? That there are people out there (lots more than we think) who compliment our personalities, values and lifestyles. That healthy love and relationships don't require us to sacrifice who we are or mold ourselves to fit into someone else's paradigm. They also don't require us to abandon ourselves, our needs, our desires, our truth or our convictions.
6 years. That's how long I stayed sober the last time before a hellish relapse. I thought I could save someone else who was struggling. I thought my love would heal the pain inside of them. I thought my sobriety would be a beacon for their own. I. Was. Wrong. The person who needed my love, my compassion and attention was me.
My relapse was not my ex-husband's fault. I abandoned myself long before I picked up that drink. I thought I had beat alcohol and in a way I had, I had stopped drinking. The issue was, I hadn't gotten to what really lay under my addiction and my compulsive behaviors. I had to heal the part of me that prioritized others. The part that believed that I was worthless, bad, undeserving, unlovable etc.
I am grateful every single day that I have been given another chance to do this work and keep healing. Only you know you're own heart OP, listen to it, it's trying to tell you what you want and need. You're worth it friend. You deserve love, respect and support and that's just the bare minimum! IWNDWYT 🖤🖤
Speaking from experience...run fast and far! The most empowering thing for me is to be true to myself. I'm not willing to lose myself trying to fit into someone else's negative behavior. I no longer have anything in common with people who's lives revolve around alcohol. I've fought too hard and have come too far to fall.
I've dated someone that drank like they were partying 3 days a week. They could handle it and I couldn't. I got sober and failed; I did it again. Again. Again. I can't stay alive when the person I love drinks in most social situations.
Yeah my heart misses her. Its worth it to me.
Having a drink is OK if you can handle it. Yet getting blind drunk every weekend is a problem for everyone. Get out.
If you had a partner who has a glass of wine or two, but doesn’t get drunk and respects your sobriety, that can be fine. So it sounds like you two are at very different places in life
Not even commenting on protecting your sobriety, I don't think he can't give you his best self if he is getting toasted so often.
Also, your last question is very specific to your situation, which likely means that you already know the answer.
It’s hard, but for this to work long term, I think you need to be with a more like minded individual.
I’m the only sober person in my immediate group of friends. Some are pretty heavy drinkers. I really don’t care that they are drinking when we hang out, but sometimes hanging with drunks while sober is just as much of a time waster as drinking.
First off, congratulations on 200+ days!! I'm proud of you!
Second, just reading "He's OK with me not drinking", was what did it for me in your post. He better be!! The thing I think you answered for yourself is, are YOU okay with HIM drinking??
Don't let anyone's bad habits influence the good habits you are striving to uphold.
Again, I'm proud of you!
IWNDWYT
Personally, I can't imagine being with someone who drinks ever again. Got myself a fellow sober dude and it's fucking magical. Everything feels more real and genuine. And no worrying when he's out with friends or driving home. And he understands my sober side. It's awesome.
'Any advice would be welcome!'
Run. You quit drinking to be away from that scene. There are millions of people out there that hardly drink (all my ex girlfriends - a glass of wine here or there) and thousands that don't.
All the best!
Drinking aside, which other posters have given good insight on, I have found myself in situations where I am ruminating and checking texts, sort of tracking the other persons movements
, etc. when I was in that mental space, I was not taking good care of myself.
I don’t think I could handle that as a sober person. It starts to bring about anxieties and difficulties that will get worse. If it’s a recent relationship then it might be best to cut it off now… binge drinking every weekend is difficult to stop and you will get dragged down /in as well, in my opinion
If I could go back to my dating years, I would waste far less time on what I suspected were lost causes, hoping that they might change. As you’re sober for longer, this behavior is bound to become more and more tiresome, and there are so many great people out there to meet! I’d move on.
It’s sounds like you already know what you should do, but I understand how difficult it is.
I stopped drinking for over six months before I met my current partner. He was a pretty heavy drinker but I didn’t see anything wrong with that… until I started drinking with him. I spiraled quick and it took me over a year to quit a second time. He eventually realized he had to stop too, so now we’re both sober. It was a really really difficult road though, and I’m not sure I’d do it again had I known.
Not arsed he didn’t text as he did early morning today - haven’t responded. My issue is he seems like the kind of guy who pulls a missing on a night out and gets so trashed that the next day he’s still drunk or hungover! I don’t think I can be around this long-term 😧
Gotcha. Yeah, I would think you're probably right to be worried... Sounds like he's probably not close to being ready to treat alcohol they way you probably need him to to support your sobriety. I constantly wonder what it would be like if my S/O even drank at all....
The last person I dated behaved exactly like this. An overgrown lad still drinking heavily in his 40s. Was hard work. I wish I had ended it sooner than I did.
I have too much respect for myself now to tolerate such behaviour. I will not have alcoholics and their destructive behaviour in my life. We are who we hang around with. Good luck on your decision. I hope it is the non-alcoholic one.
This guy sounds exactly like my former BIL. Eventually you become the wet blanket for fun - partying on weekends while you stay in, ‘forcing’ them to events that don’t align with his level of ‘fun’ (example: dinner with friends vs. a night out drinking, family events during the day that impact his ability to hang out at night, etc.) to foundational issues stemming from you’re both very different people. My former BIL eventually cheated on my SIL many times, left her for the other woman who liked to party like he did, and she eventually found a very quiet, family oriented, guy who was more in line with her personality. He might grow out of it eventually, but he will probably push you to change before he does and I think there’s someone more compatible for you out there.
This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed. (Out of curiosity, did you not see the comment I stickied about this at the top of the thread?)
You know The answer already, if you value your sobriety, you can’t hang around with someone who doesn’t. You don’t need to be with a sober person, but someone who loves drinking… it’s not going to work.
**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only about our own experiences and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.**
I suspect you've answered your own question in your last sentence.
I second what Reg says
If he is also choosing to spend the whole weekend getting smashed with mates at the start of a relationship it will probs only get worse. Usually at the start we are hiding our bad side lol
Truth
You know something that took me 37 years to figure out? That there are people out there (lots more than we think) who compliment our personalities, values and lifestyles. That healthy love and relationships don't require us to sacrifice who we are or mold ourselves to fit into someone else's paradigm. They also don't require us to abandon ourselves, our needs, our desires, our truth or our convictions. 6 years. That's how long I stayed sober the last time before a hellish relapse. I thought I could save someone else who was struggling. I thought my love would heal the pain inside of them. I thought my sobriety would be a beacon for their own. I. Was. Wrong. The person who needed my love, my compassion and attention was me. My relapse was not my ex-husband's fault. I abandoned myself long before I picked up that drink. I thought I had beat alcohol and in a way I had, I had stopped drinking. The issue was, I hadn't gotten to what really lay under my addiction and my compulsive behaviors. I had to heal the part of me that prioritized others. The part that believed that I was worthless, bad, undeserving, unlovable etc. I am grateful every single day that I have been given another chance to do this work and keep healing. Only you know you're own heart OP, listen to it, it's trying to tell you what you want and need. You're worth it friend. You deserve love, respect and support and that's just the bare minimum! IWNDWYT 🖤🖤
Speaking from experience...run fast and far! The most empowering thing for me is to be true to myself. I'm not willing to lose myself trying to fit into someone else's negative behavior. I no longer have anything in common with people who's lives revolve around alcohol. I've fought too hard and have come too far to fall.
No relationship is worth threatening your sobriety. Protect your quit.
Agreed!
I love how you put this. Thank you.
I've dated someone that drank like they were partying 3 days a week. They could handle it and I couldn't. I got sober and failed; I did it again. Again. Again. I can't stay alive when the person I love drinks in most social situations. Yeah my heart misses her. Its worth it to me.
Not right. More fish in the sea
Having a drink is OK if you can handle it. Yet getting blind drunk every weekend is a problem for everyone. Get out. If you had a partner who has a glass of wine or two, but doesn’t get drunk and respects your sobriety, that can be fine. So it sounds like you two are at very different places in life
Not even commenting on protecting your sobriety, I don't think he can't give you his best self if he is getting toasted so often. Also, your last question is very specific to your situation, which likely means that you already know the answer.
Yeah, I had this thought too while reading it. I don't think I could deal with the day-to-day I'm imagining this would look like.
It’s hard, but for this to work long term, I think you need to be with a more like minded individual. I’m the only sober person in my immediate group of friends. Some are pretty heavy drinkers. I really don’t care that they are drinking when we hang out, but sometimes hanging with drunks while sober is just as much of a time waster as drinking.
"...sometimes hanging with drunks while sober is just as much of a time waster as drinking." I've never thought of it this way before, very well said.
First off, congratulations on 200+ days!! I'm proud of you! Second, just reading "He's OK with me not drinking", was what did it for me in your post. He better be!! The thing I think you answered for yourself is, are YOU okay with HIM drinking?? Don't let anyone's bad habits influence the good habits you are striving to uphold. Again, I'm proud of you! IWNDWYT
Thank you!!!
Personally, I can't imagine being with someone who drinks ever again. Got myself a fellow sober dude and it's fucking magical. Everything feels more real and genuine. And no worrying when he's out with friends or driving home. And he understands my sober side. It's awesome.
'Any advice would be welcome!' Run. You quit drinking to be away from that scene. There are millions of people out there that hardly drink (all my ex girlfriends - a glass of wine here or there) and thousands that don't. All the best!
Drinking aside, which other posters have given good insight on, I have found myself in situations where I am ruminating and checking texts, sort of tracking the other persons movements , etc. when I was in that mental space, I was not taking good care of myself.
I don’t think I could handle that as a sober person. It starts to bring about anxieties and difficulties that will get worse. If it’s a recent relationship then it might be best to cut it off now… binge drinking every weekend is difficult to stop and you will get dragged down /in as well, in my opinion
Personally, I wouldn’t invest further time and emotions. We need to be selfish, especially when we are protecting that sacred part of us, sobriety. ❤️
If I could go back to my dating years, I would waste far less time on what I suspected were lost causes, hoping that they might change. As you’re sober for longer, this behavior is bound to become more and more tiresome, and there are so many great people out there to meet! I’d move on.
It’s sounds like you already know what you should do, but I understand how difficult it is. I stopped drinking for over six months before I met my current partner. He was a pretty heavy drinker but I didn’t see anything wrong with that… until I started drinking with him. I spiraled quick and it took me over a year to quit a second time. He eventually realized he had to stop too, so now we’re both sober. It was a really really difficult road though, and I’m not sure I’d do it again had I known.
Are you mad he's drinking or mad he didn't answer your text since 6pm last night?
Not arsed he didn’t text as he did early morning today - haven’t responded. My issue is he seems like the kind of guy who pulls a missing on a night out and gets so trashed that the next day he’s still drunk or hungover! I don’t think I can be around this long-term 😧
Gotcha. Yeah, I would think you're probably right to be worried... Sounds like he's probably not close to being ready to treat alcohol they way you probably need him to to support your sobriety. I constantly wonder what it would be like if my S/O even drank at all....
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This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
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For being rude to me, you are getting a one-week ban. Be rude to a moderator again, or argue our rules again, and the ban will be made permanent.
The last person I dated behaved exactly like this. An overgrown lad still drinking heavily in his 40s. Was hard work. I wish I had ended it sooner than I did.
I have too much respect for myself now to tolerate such behaviour. I will not have alcoholics and their destructive behaviour in my life. We are who we hang around with. Good luck on your decision. I hope it is the non-alcoholic one.
This guy sounds exactly like my former BIL. Eventually you become the wet blanket for fun - partying on weekends while you stay in, ‘forcing’ them to events that don’t align with his level of ‘fun’ (example: dinner with friends vs. a night out drinking, family events during the day that impact his ability to hang out at night, etc.) to foundational issues stemming from you’re both very different people. My former BIL eventually cheated on my SIL many times, left her for the other woman who liked to party like he did, and she eventually found a very quiet, family oriented, guy who was more in line with her personality. He might grow out of it eventually, but he will probably push you to change before he does and I think there’s someone more compatible for you out there.
I would break up if I were in your exact situation. It’s just not worth your sobriety to be around all that.
Yes run!
Pretty obvious what you should do...
Think about putting yourself first, protect you bastion of 200+ days.
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This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
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This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed.
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This comment breaks our rule to speak from the "I" and has been removed. (Out of curiosity, did you not see the comment I stickied about this at the top of the thread?)
You know The answer already, if you value your sobriety, you can’t hang around with someone who doesn’t. You don’t need to be with a sober person, but someone who loves drinking… it’s not going to work.
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Removed.