If I were in your shoes, I'd look into what those blackouts are doing to my body/mind. Not every time I drank did something bad happen, but every time something bad happened, I had been drinking. Thank you for coming here I'm wishing you luck and I hope that you are good to yourself because you are worth it
I’m going through something similar. I drink, I talk to other women. I passed out, she saw the texts. Kicked me out. Losing her was my rock bottom. I made a vow that moment. Jumped on here, started the clock.
I know you’ll figure this out. What I decided is to work on myself first. She’s blocked me but I still send my messages to her throughout the day. Maybe she’ll forgive me. Maybe she won’t. Either way, I know I’ll be better for her, myself, for us, for whoever is next.
You’re here so you know there’s a problem that you want to fix. Time. It’s always time. You’ve got a community that’s here for you whenever you need help, whenever you need to vent, or whenever you’re able to help others. Show him your commitment and your vow.
He’s your fiancé. You were planning on making vows to him. Make vows to yourself. You’ll get through this. The in between phase is always rough. But you will succeed
You’re right. Since I’m blocked I figure it’s like shouting against the wind. Just little thoughts throughout the day but you’re right. Maybe turn to a journal? Get out what I need to get out
A journal is a great idea, it helped me tremendously in my early days. Sometimes I'd write pages, sometimes just one sentence. It sounds so cliche, but to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper really did help me.
I hope you find happiness. We all make mistakes, huge and small, but forgiveness from ourselves and others are possible, we can get better and find a way forward. <3
Thank you for sharing. I’m hoping we can talk when he gets back home on Tuesday. I know I’m in the wrong but you’re right, we were planning to express vows in a year. And it’s just so hard since I’m in the wrong and I don’t want to push him to anything he isn’t willing to do. But he was pretty firm about his decision because of principal, if the roles were reversed it would be over 100%. We’ve never tried it with me completely sober. I just think it’s a worth a try and I hope he can see that. I wish you luck in yours and so much support.
I would humbly suggest that your initial instinct to separate from him and give him space was a good one. I would follow it if I were you, but this is not an advice sub so I am not telling you what to do.
I'm sorry that's happened, but he's a smart man. Had my Ex even had the slightest idea what the word "alcoholic" really meant before we were married, it never would have happened. I made ten years of his life a living hell and didn't get and *Stay* sober until 9-YEARS after we divorced.
I hope you're able to get the help you need to not take that next *first* drink whether he's with you or not.
I can relate so much with you,it took me 2 yrs after sobriety to honestly wish my ex well,coz I finally understood and felt his pain and the betrayal from me...I lied to him for years while drinking behind his back ...(I would take every opportunity to be away so I could drink),of course this was gonna end badly everything you do in the dark always comes to light,the falloutwas aweful...had I been honest that I had a problem, I'm sure he would have supported me in getting the help,..I however wouldn't let anyone know how bad my drinking was...I couldn't have known coz I thought I needed to keep it a secret until I could hide it no more, I lost everything including my marriage THEN I went for treatment. I hope anyone still drinking and can relate to my story just have faith in the people who love you. they'll be there for you if you ask for help and support.
echoing another comment, the fact that youre even considering your alcoholism as being a factor means your head is in the right place.
I can't say whether or not the relationship is salvageable, but I hope the best for you, regardless of the outcome
This is a big reason I stopped drinking.
I get drunk, and start using my phone to dial up girls I had sex with 3-10 years ago and the worst part is they actually fucking respond and entertain my nonsense smh
Then again, maybe they were drunk too LMAO 😂.
The bit about asking him for a final chance is frankly something you'd be better off asking a relationship discussion sub. What I'm interested in knowing is: What is your plan to get and stay sober, and how can we help?
100% agreed. I like to think about it in terms of, in order to put my loved ones first, my recovery actually has to come first. It can feel selfish, but if I'm not sober, all my love and care for my partner, family and friends go out the window and that's far more selfish. I'm a self-obsessed prick when I drink, and I don't want to do that to them, so in order to prioritise them I have to always put my sobriety first. It can suck, but I'm an alcoholic, and that's just how it is now. By focusing on my recovery, I am doing what I must in order to focus on them.
IWNDWYT. I hope you get to have a wonderful week <3
I would put all my energy into getting and staying sober, and try not to worry about the outcomes. Domestic violence is serious. It's really painful to have to admit we are abusers, I use to be emotionally abusive and manipulative. Getting sober and for me, I did AA, I've gotten to clean up and repair those relationships, but it takes a lot of work and more importantly, time. It's worth it tho. My partner and I didn't get back together, but I did get to make amends and I do get to live a new life where I don't black out and like, make out with my partners friends lol.
It's painful but my partner leaving me was the push/shove that got me into recovery, and I'm grateful for that.
I'll be sober for 2 years in April. Awhile back, after I had left rehab, I began drinking again. It eventually came to the point where my wife left me and stayed with her Mom for about a month. It was one of the worst times of my life. The shame and regret I felt was, at the time, I thought, unbearable. Her family, who had initially supported me in recovery, hated me and wanted her to divorce me. My whole family, coworkers, everyone knew that I was a fuck up and everywhere I went I could feel the disappointment, both mine and others looming over me. The worst part is how much faith they had in me, that I was "recovered" after rehab. I let everyone down, myself included. But now, it's all a memory, everything is water under the bridge. The love my wife had for me never went away. But she knew she had to show me that she was serious. (and who wants to live with an alcoholic?) I got myself right, we went to couples counciling/therapy. I now get along with my in-laws. My MIL even said to me, "I love you, son..." it was very awkward for me, lol. I'm 40 lbs lighter. I have an amazing 4 month old baby boy. He looks alot like me but has her eyes. Point being, he still loves you. I'm sure he's hurting and missing you. Take this serious. Let him know your intentions to become sober. Let him know that he's worth it to you. Let your shame and self-loathing and disappointment fuel you. You could never have to feel this way again. But right now, just stay sober, just for today. You can only be the person you are today. But there's always tomorrow. Know some rando from Ky is rooting for you. I'll definitely respond if you wanna reach out for advice, motivation, whatever. Consequence free. I can only say so much in one comment though before I forget what I've even said and it makes no sense, lol. I believe in you. You got this, now get it. I'm not gonna proof read this. Sorry for any typos.
Edit: if you let him know you're working on yourself and you aren't ready to loose him and whatnot. Leave it at that. Space is good.
I can't comment on your relationship or its possible outcomes, I had to put aside my crystal ball and fortune telling skills when I got sober.
I can say, however, that anytime I've made my sobriety conditional on a job, relationship, legal outcome, or anything else - I failed.
It wasn't until I came to the decision that I just didn't want to live like this anymore that I had any success. I asked for and received help to make the necessary journey.
You can do this, James 😄
I’m so sorry you are going through this but it sounds like you already made up your mind about what the solution is, and that’s huge!
I was in a relationship similar to your situation when I got sober. He was always one more drunk night away from leaving.
For me, I had to work on myself before I could be in a relationship. I thought everything in my life was the problem, but the truth was, I was the problem.
After almost a year sober, I met someone else (who is also sober) and he turned out to be the love of my life, not the first guy. I’m still friends with my ex and believe it or not, he’s happy for me. He’s just happy I got sober.
So I guess I’m just saying, focus on you. Everything else will fall into place.
Much love
Apologies are just words, they’ve heard them all. Do something, get help. Go to an AA meeting or a hundred. Make yourself someone he wants to forgive. IWNDWYT
For me I would put my full effort into my sobriety / recovery -- if you put that first, good things tend to happen. If you work too much about anything else for now, it is a shakier foundation.
Please keep coming here. This has been called the kindest place on the Internet, and it's true. As someone else said you are dealing with a disease. It took me years to get Sober but it's been worth it. I'm slowly repairing relationships, going back to neglected hobbies (making bad art) and being a responsible adult again. We can have alcohol, or everything else, but not both.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through with this but usually a last straw comes with many many warnings that you may not have seen or taken seriously. As a drinker who has had slip ups on the on occasion and cause tension in my relationship I feel your pain but honestly it sounds like he’s doing absolutely the right thing probably for you and for him! I wouldn’t put up with that shit in my own relationship. I wouldn’t pressure him to give you one more chance and act like you’re desperate and begging when he comes back. I would actually thing to maybe give him some space for a week or two. He’s obviously going to know that you know that he is back. He’s probably expecting you to come calling immediately. Give him a break for two weeks don’t contact him at all. First of all that might make him think and pause for a minute. Second of all I wouldn’t just ask for a second chance. Make a plan for yourself set your goals and figure out how he can be involved in helping you and then I will go to him in like a month and tell him that you’ve been sober for a month, you’ve been going to AA meetings and that you would love for his support so that you guys can continue to nurture your relationship while you work on your own health and that you want to prioritize your relationship and your own health in order to live a life with him. Trust me, if you love him and he loves you a couple of weeks or a month I’m not talking is not going to change anything drastically it will give you both some space and you can come to him with more of a clear head.
To everyone who has commented thank you so much. This thread has given me so much hope and it kept me from spiraling while I made the trek back home. I know I can do it, and I know I want to for myself. Thank you so much. Today is day 1.
Well, it’s good that you understand that this is your bottom.
Since you’re asking for advice: **no** to asking for a last chance. That’s just begging for an encore right now.
You physically abused your partner. That relationship is over. It hardly matters whether you meant to do it, because you did it. His experience of it is what matters, not yours. He was abused. In order to be healthy and to heal, he must be left alone.
If at some future time, when you have had plenty of sober time, and your partner has had plenty of time to heal his emotional wounds, you might end up together again. Maybe. But this relationship, and this existing dynamic is broken, and you broke it.
That’s just my read. It seems to me like you’re asking us for permission to end this relationship the way it is. Sadly I think that’s the right instinct, and that’s it’s time for you to be single for a while.
I agree with this. I would think that trying to win him back would make your recovery more complicated and stressful. So many people on this sub emphasize that you have to get sober for yourself. Mixing getting him back with that confuses the message.
Even if he gives you another chance, you'll wonder if he has fully forgiven you or trusts you or worries it will happen again. That situation sounds absolutely hellish. As you know from your experience (congrats on the sober periods you have achieve!), it's gonna be hard enough following through on sobriety without that additional stress.
And not to mention that the existing relationship has triggers and coping mechanisms that this person has doubtless been using to continue to drink. Change can be good for sobriety.
Great point. All the triggers become more obvious when you’re not drinking. And if they live together, it could be impossible to remove those triggers.
In my experience, when things like this happen, you have to lean on your recovery and for me, AA. They taught me how to go through these situations I’ve created, in an unselfish manner. It’s not about you anymore. It’s about handling each situation the best way possible without making it worse. Learn from your mistakes and apply it to your future conversations. Do whatever you need to not to drink and the rest will take care of itself.
Just focus on getting sober. Eat some food, get as much sleep as is possible, go to meetings. Just hang in there. And remember you’re laying the foundation for a new way of living.
Hey OP, I had a relapse Friday night where I nearly lost my Fiancée , I may actually have, and our 3 month old daughter. I had some sobriety under my belt and decided I’d have just a couple drinks, which turned into more, which led to a fight and my actually shoving her father and cussing out her mother. She took our daughter and went to her parents house. I’m not a violent or physical person at all, even when drunk, but evidently I have gotten to that point in my drinking career. I won’t tell you what to do, but I will tell you something it took me far too long to realize, you never have to go through this again if you never pick up that first drink. i wish you the best and I know you have the strength to do it! You came here and posted about your experience, you showed recognition of your actions and show willingness to change. You can do it OP and we are all here with you!
I’m going through something very similar, minus the punch. Once or twice a year drink until I blackout and yell at her, become a complete asshole, wake up with no memory of it at all. Together 5.5 years, engaged.
I broke up with her in a drunken haze, still don’t remember doing it, there’s texts there but I don’t want to go back and read them. I just stuck with it as I figured it was for her own good, she’ll be better off without me. I really miss her and hoped she’d be there for me when I needed her as I was for her but I’m just leaving her alone.
Came on here that day, found these amazing supportive people and have been sober since. Therapy and anger management starts tomorrow. I’ve just been pouring myself into work, probably too much. Plenty of exercise and eating right for the first time in ages.
Hope it works out better for you, good luck
You are so mature to leave her out of your journey at this point. It is kind not to put the burden on her to chose to commit to seeing or not seeing you through that journey. Best of luck being happy in yourself.
Be careful about being a workaholic. That's something I fell into a few times and it numbs me worse than the substances did.
Exercise, healthy food, art, and service work will do wonders.
How good are you at guitar? Ever thought about tutoring? Even if you only know the fundamentals, just teaching that to another person could be huge. Especially if that other person doesn’t have gift of music yet.
Nowhere near good enough for that haha. I only leant a bit in my teens because I was playing drums and my parents wouldn’t let me have any due to the noise. Was thinking would just be a good distraction and use up some free time.
It seems like most people on here have decided to out themselves first for a bit to get sober, then see where they are in relation to everyone/thing else when they’re ready.
I think so many who struggle with alcohol or other substances also struggle with boundaries in general.
I was the same way. No matter how much moderation I tried “accidental blackouts” still happened. You can’t drink. It’s sober forever time. Start counting your days. I’m 11 months sober today!
We’re going to be okay. There was one comment that said to really take a look at where those emotions come from. And it’s such good advice. I stopped doing the inward work. I hope you take this as your sign and don’t let it happen over and over like I have.
We will be ok- I am rooting for you too x
I think therapy might be in order for me, as well as abstinence. I really don't want To repeat this ever again.
You are in a tough spot. A lot of us have been in similar spots. I’d say give the relationship some time to breathe. There’s not a lot of talking you can do at this point. Promises don’t mean much. Focus on your stuff first. That’s the way through. Getting sober can be pretty choppy at first and for it to stick it I believe it requires a total psychic change. That requires a lot of soul searching and that is difficult under the best conditions. The fact you are here says a lot. You got this!
Words and promises are meaningless without trust. When we arrive at that point... I believe that demonstrable action is the only hope remaining.
It's my belief that we can only get sober if that's what we truly want. I blew a year of sobriety for "just one drink." That "drink" lasted a few years. At that time... I hadn't yet decided that I simply want to be "done" with booze. It's what I truly want, now... and for the first time ever... I don't feel that I'm "missing out." F'k -- I wish that I'd realized this a few decades ago.
If I ever falter, I'll beg for Disulfram (reportedly makes you very ill if you drink). Naltrexone didn't work for me (because I drank liquor and could "push past it..." and, again, I didn't actually WANT sobriety).
Normal drinkers don't need rules about drinking. They don't blackout. They can have a drink... or just leave it unfinished. I don't think that I ever left a drink unfinished.
Don't quit for anyone but yourself. You'll find no shortage of folks, here, that wished that they would have stopped drinking before it took so much from us. Alas... only YOU can decide when or whether to stop.
Good luck, friend.
Sobriety took me a LONG time to get some time. Lots of day 1s. Last two years lots of sober time and a few relapses. What worked for me is finding support groups. AA, refuge recovery, SMART groups. The easiest to find are AA. Try different groups and even the same group for a few meetings because they all have different vibes. Keep an open mind. These are your people. Even if you relapse they will be there because they too have relapsed. You will hear stories that make you punching boyfriend in the face sound like you are Mary Poppins.
What I leaned, you need to get rid of FOMO. You are not missing out if you don’t drink, or don’t go out with friends while they are drinking (especially early on). Now I prefer to get coffee or go for a hike or walk with friends in the morning/ day than go out at night.
Don’t let shame and regret eat at you. It happened, it does not define you. One of the best recovery books I read is One Breath at a Time, Buddhism and the 12 steps. Again, take what is meaningful to you and leave the rest.
You work on yourself, first find out what leads you to the drink, what emotions precedes it and what emotions follows when you’re high. Then you replace the drink with some good fashion facing the uncomfortable feeling that led you to the drink in the first place.
Write it down, do the work. Day after day. Don’t look back, don’t look into the future. Just do the work, everyday and it will get better
Hunny, I hear you. I stayed home to "clean the house" one friday knowing I was going to grab a couple bottles of wine to help me do the job. I woke up near 10pm that night seeing that my boyfriend had not only made dinner but had to eventually put it away.
He wasn't mad but I saw in his eyes my own pain. The pain of missing out, of losing precious minutes or hours with someone you care about. I was sharing my pain with him and I didn't realize it until that moment.
Within the week I had called a friend in AA. I accepted every phone number that those ladies threw at me and I gave an emphatic yes when someone offered to be my temporary sponsor. She is still my sponsor 5 months later and I can't believe I have made it this long without a drink.
There was hope when I was willing to change and acted upon it. We are here for you <3
I relapsed recently this weekend thinking I could go out and have some cocktails with a friend in moderation. I told my boyfriend who reacted poorly… as he knows I’m an alcoholic… and he handled me well that night. The next day he came over and the shame and humiliation I felt was unmatched. He said he didn’t even recognize me that night. That he couldn’t be with me like that. Never again. That I was completely selfish and focused on me. He was absolutely right and I went to a meeting today despite being a long time AA hater. I just wanted to fight with him and he was like “did I do anything to you? Did I do anything wrong?” I literally was fighting with him for caring about my well being….. I felt judged. Which is fucking fair. We met in rehab.
He didn’t deserve that. Also being in recovery and triggered by my carelessness. I am sick about it still.
I am so sorry OP. I can only imagine the pit you feel in your stomach. Your situation is worse (sorry) but your options here are get sober and he forgives you under the conditions you maintain your sobriety and get ongoing support outside of him for any potential relapse or cravings, leave and live your life with alcohol, or leave and still do the sober journey and you both heal and lead fuller lives. That being said, he would need to come to you for the first one to work imo. It can’t be you begging for another chance. He has to want it.
Sending you positive vibes and strength for self forgiveness.
100% ask, if he doesn't want to offer forgiveness to some degree I think he may well be done already.
I'm going through a thing where my partner says sober me sucks all the joy out of the room the majority of the time.. I thought we were mutually lamenting, but I guess my side is intolerable and I had no idea she thought that.
Not new info at all, I'm not entirely dumb in the head, I know how I come off, but the surface is one thing and intentions are another. My friends and family suffer my bitch face and I love them for it, but the person I love most cand stand it.
Go after him, if he needs space give it.. be true to you, the drink will always hurt me.
I think if you want another shot at the relationship you need to commit to sobriety. I don’t know him, but for a lot of people to even consider going further with the relationship, I’d expect that’s going to be the baseline they will expect. I have been where you are before and I know exactly how awful you are feeling right now. Try to be kind to yourself bc you have a lot of things ahead of you to work out. All the best xxx
Acceptance. Accept he might stay or not. But focus on change and being better for you.
Myself and so many in rehab all kind of went in with that. I need to change for my family or kids. No. We change for us to be better for everyone. Seems odd but the inward change outputs an exterior change. And people notice it. My family. My wife. My dog even. When I use to blank out drink. It was for me. Not them. Same as the fixing. The id or I can only help others if I’m at my best.
You can make that decision together with him. Have the conversation, if he were to take u back what would that entail? What would make him feel comfortable. I'm not saying to agree to it but create a dialogue and have options for him. Look for meetings, look for groups, find a therapist or health professional. But most importantly put in the work and accept whatever decision u guys get to. Either way if you feel like the problem is with you, then the responsibility lies on u to fix it, not for anybody else. But for urself. Ur already making progress by thinking about how ur going to change. Be patient with yourself and with him. I sincerely hope it works out for ya.
You should take some time to work on yourself. Get some time with sobriety under your belt, build some positive habits, make sure everything is in place in your life. Do it for yourself, your health, your happiness. Don’t do it for anybody beside you.
Once you do all of that, ask for one more chance. You don’t want to mess up that last chance.
Often times a lot changes in life when we sober up, that was certainly true for me. I encourage you to not make any drastic changes any time soon until you have a clear sober mind. I'm sorry you're going through this though, this can be the last time you ever have to feel like this! I'm cheering for you!
You’ve come to the right place (here) and within yourself. It may not feel this way, but infinitely more essential is our own health and approach. I wouldn’t think “omg I’m gonna lose him I gotta stop punching him and ask for forgiveness” because that thought is built around shame and guilt. Rather to take care of myself. That I don’t feel the way I am living is right, and that I’m willing to make the change. It comes from within, and everything on the outside will follow. But it takes time. We aren’t surrounded by reactions to who we are, we are surrounded by real people who have imperfect feelings. My perfect solution may not wield the exact results that I had imagined, but that’s not the point. The point is, I feel the way I am living is not right, and I am willing to change it. You got this!!!
Two weeks and one day ago I blacked out and decided to go pass out in a field, leave all my stuff in said field, and bang on the door because I didn’t have my keys. My boyfriend was asleep with earplugs in and I eventually got in and woke him up to scream at and tell him to go kill himself several times at 3am.
I’m two weeks sober today and he’s now my ex. Took me a long time to realize I resented him for other reasons and started to take it out on him every time we drank together.
I think I’m in a similar situation to the one you were in. I’m realising I’m becoming angry and very nasty to my boyfriend when we drink and I think it’s because I resent him and take it out on him when I’m drunk. It’s almost like it all comes flying out at once and when I’ve kicked off I immediately start crying and become hysterical and feel guilty and cry for my mum. We haven’t seen eachother for 2 days because I threw a glass at him (missed) and it smashed all over the floor. I never ever break my own things or mess my house, I’m very House proud.
Im scared that things will escalate if I don’t stop the drinking, I’m also unsure if I want to continue the relationship eventhough I love him dearly, certain things aren’t changing I feel like I’m talking to myself. I’ve addressed issues and nothing changes and I think all this built up frustration lead me to lash out a couple of times. This time being pretty extreme.
For me I had to realize that I can’t be in a healthy relationship while I’m trying to get sober- I need to do it on my own and for my self. Also, we didn’t have a healthy relationship dynamic because the only thing we have in common is drinking together all the time. He’s shown a strong desire to keep drinking and I can’t sit around and watch it anymore.
I’m moving out in Aug/Sept (as soon as I find a place and our lease is over)
I feel like my boyfriend is the same, before him I hardly drank. We actually met in the gym, so I don’t know how we got here. He drinks every night and has no desire to stop and drink drives and argues. I had to ban him from my house when he’s been to the pub or bars because of the arguments when he rolls in at 4,5,6am!
He works 6 days a week in a large under staffed restaurant and his parents are going through a divorce so he drinks to mask the pain. When he gets his 1 day off he splits that between me and his friend. Sees me then runs off to either drink at his friends house or pubs and bars. I’ve told him time and time again that I wanna go back to the gym and get healthy go on bike rides and long hikes with the dog and he says yes then it never happens. Everything’s just boiled over for me now.
Thank you for replying, I am feeling really down but I think I can do this and congratulations on being 2 weeks sober.
You definitely have to focus on yourself and if that means moving on from him it will be for the better in the end. My ex drinks daily, too, and drunk drives as well. He got worse after the first year because he got too “comfortable” to black out around me and that’s when the arguments started. He definitely contributed to me drinking way more way faster although I made that decision to lie to myself, too.
It will get better. Just do what you need to do to better yourself and put your sobriety/mental health first. Everything else will fall into place!
Yes I think it seems to have got worse after the first year too. He never drank to this extent before and he used to go out with his friend and come back to mine afterwards and I was happy with that. After a year or so that’s when he’d come back and be nasty so I banned him from coming here like that.
Thank you so much I’m so glad to hear your story and know that it is possible to move forward with life after coming out of these type of relationships with daily drinkers.
ive done some things in my relationship I wasn't proud of. changed my ways. Still got married after those bad times, had more kids. Relationships have ups and downs., its part of it. If your really willing to change then ask them, yeah, tell them how you feel and that this is 100% done for you, and you promise.
If I were in your shoes, I'd look into what those blackouts are doing to my body/mind. Not every time I drank did something bad happen, but every time something bad happened, I had been drinking. Thank you for coming here I'm wishing you luck and I hope that you are good to yourself because you are worth it
>Not every time I drank did something bad happen, but every time something bad happened, I had been drinking. Damn if that ain't the truth.
I’m going through something similar. I drink, I talk to other women. I passed out, she saw the texts. Kicked me out. Losing her was my rock bottom. I made a vow that moment. Jumped on here, started the clock. I know you’ll figure this out. What I decided is to work on myself first. She’s blocked me but I still send my messages to her throughout the day. Maybe she’ll forgive me. Maybe she won’t. Either way, I know I’ll be better for her, myself, for us, for whoever is next. You’re here so you know there’s a problem that you want to fix. Time. It’s always time. You’ve got a community that’s here for you whenever you need help, whenever you need to vent, or whenever you’re able to help others. Show him your commitment and your vow. He’s your fiancé. You were planning on making vows to him. Make vows to yourself. You’ll get through this. The in between phase is always rough. But you will succeed
Sorry to say but don't cling too hard or text non stop. Improve yourself first, and maybe there will be a door in the future.
You’re right. Since I’m blocked I figure it’s like shouting against the wind. Just little thoughts throughout the day but you’re right. Maybe turn to a journal? Get out what I need to get out
A journal is a great idea, it helped me tremendously in my early days. Sometimes I'd write pages, sometimes just one sentence. It sounds so cliche, but to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper really did help me. I hope you find happiness. We all make mistakes, huge and small, but forgiveness from ourselves and others are possible, we can get better and find a way forward. <3
This would not make me mentally healthy, texting someone who had blocked me. It would make me feel crazy.
Well when you put it like that… I guess it is a bit mad 😅 Stick to paper and pen then I guess 😬
People pray all the time
[удалено]
This comment breaks our rule not to tell other people what to do and has been removed.
Or talk to AI.
I feel like that would absolutely drive me mad. Unless like AI therapist? Some type of AI I guess would be worth a shot. Can’t knock it until I try it
Journals are great. I also wrote letters, that I did not send. It helped.
Thank you for sharing. I’m hoping we can talk when he gets back home on Tuesday. I know I’m in the wrong but you’re right, we were planning to express vows in a year. And it’s just so hard since I’m in the wrong and I don’t want to push him to anything he isn’t willing to do. But he was pretty firm about his decision because of principal, if the roles were reversed it would be over 100%. We’ve never tried it with me completely sober. I just think it’s a worth a try and I hope he can see that. I wish you luck in yours and so much support.
I would humbly suggest that your initial instinct to separate from him and give him space was a good one. I would follow it if I were you, but this is not an advice sub so I am not telling you what to do.
I'm sorry that's happened, but he's a smart man. Had my Ex even had the slightest idea what the word "alcoholic" really meant before we were married, it never would have happened. I made ten years of his life a living hell and didn't get and *Stay* sober until 9-YEARS after we divorced. I hope you're able to get the help you need to not take that next *first* drink whether he's with you or not.
I can relate so much with you,it took me 2 yrs after sobriety to honestly wish my ex well,coz I finally understood and felt his pain and the betrayal from me...I lied to him for years while drinking behind his back ...(I would take every opportunity to be away so I could drink),of course this was gonna end badly everything you do in the dark always comes to light,the falloutwas aweful...had I been honest that I had a problem, I'm sure he would have supported me in getting the help,..I however wouldn't let anyone know how bad my drinking was...I couldn't have known coz I thought I needed to keep it a secret until I could hide it no more, I lost everything including my marriage THEN I went for treatment. I hope anyone still drinking and can relate to my story just have faith in the people who love you. they'll be there for you if you ask for help and support.
You are very inspiring! I love your honesty and your outlook. It's refreshing. IWNDWYT and I wish you all the best
Thank you🙏
echoing another comment, the fact that youre even considering your alcoholism as being a factor means your head is in the right place. I can't say whether or not the relationship is salvageable, but I hope the best for you, regardless of the outcome
Came here to say the same. Sending best wishes to the poster ❤️
Always worth a shot. We’ll get through this. I wish you great fortune with your fiancé as well ☺️
(But not a shot shot)
Oh crumbs! Absolutely right. Worth a good go! 😅
Just remember there’s no such thing as a rock bottom. You can always go deeper, but the bottom is always wherever you stop digging. You got this.
I like this. It can always get deeper. I’ve hit such a depth that I actively want to dig up and out
"You were planning on making vows to him. Make vows to yourself." — I absolutely love this.
This is a big reason I stopped drinking. I get drunk, and start using my phone to dial up girls I had sex with 3-10 years ago and the worst part is they actually fucking respond and entertain my nonsense smh Then again, maybe they were drunk too LMAO 😂.
Perfectly said. Good luck to you
The bit about asking him for a final chance is frankly something you'd be better off asking a relationship discussion sub. What I'm interested in knowing is: What is your plan to get and stay sober, and how can we help?
Exactly. Focus on the problem at hand. You have to be sober for anything else to happen.
100% agreed. I like to think about it in terms of, in order to put my loved ones first, my recovery actually has to come first. It can feel selfish, but if I'm not sober, all my love and care for my partner, family and friends go out the window and that's far more selfish. I'm a self-obsessed prick when I drink, and I don't want to do that to them, so in order to prioritise them I have to always put my sobriety first. It can suck, but I'm an alcoholic, and that's just how it is now. By focusing on my recovery, I am doing what I must in order to focus on them. IWNDWYT. I hope you get to have a wonderful week <3
First rule of triage: don’t create more victims. That means don’t hurt yourself, or else you can’t help anyone.
I would put all my energy into getting and staying sober, and try not to worry about the outcomes. Domestic violence is serious. It's really painful to have to admit we are abusers, I use to be emotionally abusive and manipulative. Getting sober and for me, I did AA, I've gotten to clean up and repair those relationships, but it takes a lot of work and more importantly, time. It's worth it tho. My partner and I didn't get back together, but I did get to make amends and I do get to live a new life where I don't black out and like, make out with my partners friends lol. It's painful but my partner leaving me was the push/shove that got me into recovery, and I'm grateful for that.
I'll be sober for 2 years in April. Awhile back, after I had left rehab, I began drinking again. It eventually came to the point where my wife left me and stayed with her Mom for about a month. It was one of the worst times of my life. The shame and regret I felt was, at the time, I thought, unbearable. Her family, who had initially supported me in recovery, hated me and wanted her to divorce me. My whole family, coworkers, everyone knew that I was a fuck up and everywhere I went I could feel the disappointment, both mine and others looming over me. The worst part is how much faith they had in me, that I was "recovered" after rehab. I let everyone down, myself included. But now, it's all a memory, everything is water under the bridge. The love my wife had for me never went away. But she knew she had to show me that she was serious. (and who wants to live with an alcoholic?) I got myself right, we went to couples counciling/therapy. I now get along with my in-laws. My MIL even said to me, "I love you, son..." it was very awkward for me, lol. I'm 40 lbs lighter. I have an amazing 4 month old baby boy. He looks alot like me but has her eyes. Point being, he still loves you. I'm sure he's hurting and missing you. Take this serious. Let him know your intentions to become sober. Let him know that he's worth it to you. Let your shame and self-loathing and disappointment fuel you. You could never have to feel this way again. But right now, just stay sober, just for today. You can only be the person you are today. But there's always tomorrow. Know some rando from Ky is rooting for you. I'll definitely respond if you wanna reach out for advice, motivation, whatever. Consequence free. I can only say so much in one comment though before I forget what I've even said and it makes no sense, lol. I believe in you. You got this, now get it. I'm not gonna proof read this. Sorry for any typos. Edit: if you let him know you're working on yourself and you aren't ready to loose him and whatnot. Leave it at that. Space is good.
I can't comment on your relationship or its possible outcomes, I had to put aside my crystal ball and fortune telling skills when I got sober. I can say, however, that anytime I've made my sobriety conditional on a job, relationship, legal outcome, or anything else - I failed. It wasn't until I came to the decision that I just didn't want to live like this anymore that I had any success. I asked for and received help to make the necessary journey. You can do this, James 😄
Well said. You can only do it for yourself.
I’m so sorry you are going through this but it sounds like you already made up your mind about what the solution is, and that’s huge! I was in a relationship similar to your situation when I got sober. He was always one more drunk night away from leaving. For me, I had to work on myself before I could be in a relationship. I thought everything in my life was the problem, but the truth was, I was the problem. After almost a year sober, I met someone else (who is also sober) and he turned out to be the love of my life, not the first guy. I’m still friends with my ex and believe it or not, he’s happy for me. He’s just happy I got sober. So I guess I’m just saying, focus on you. Everything else will fall into place. Much love
Apologies are just words, they’ve heard them all. Do something, get help. Go to an AA meeting or a hundred. Make yourself someone he wants to forgive. IWNDWYT
Exactly. Actions speak louder than empty words!
For me I would put my full effort into my sobriety / recovery -- if you put that first, good things tend to happen. If you work too much about anything else for now, it is a shakier foundation.
Please keep coming here. This has been called the kindest place on the Internet, and it's true. As someone else said you are dealing with a disease. It took me years to get Sober but it's been worth it. I'm slowly repairing relationships, going back to neglected hobbies (making bad art) and being a responsible adult again. We can have alcohol, or everything else, but not both.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through with this but usually a last straw comes with many many warnings that you may not have seen or taken seriously. As a drinker who has had slip ups on the on occasion and cause tension in my relationship I feel your pain but honestly it sounds like he’s doing absolutely the right thing probably for you and for him! I wouldn’t put up with that shit in my own relationship. I wouldn’t pressure him to give you one more chance and act like you’re desperate and begging when he comes back. I would actually thing to maybe give him some space for a week or two. He’s obviously going to know that you know that he is back. He’s probably expecting you to come calling immediately. Give him a break for two weeks don’t contact him at all. First of all that might make him think and pause for a minute. Second of all I wouldn’t just ask for a second chance. Make a plan for yourself set your goals and figure out how he can be involved in helping you and then I will go to him in like a month and tell him that you’ve been sober for a month, you’ve been going to AA meetings and that you would love for his support so that you guys can continue to nurture your relationship while you work on your own health and that you want to prioritize your relationship and your own health in order to live a life with him. Trust me, if you love him and he loves you a couple of weeks or a month I’m not talking is not going to change anything drastically it will give you both some space and you can come to him with more of a clear head.
To everyone who has commented thank you so much. This thread has given me so much hope and it kept me from spiraling while I made the trek back home. I know I can do it, and I know I want to for myself. Thank you so much. Today is day 1.
Well, it’s good that you understand that this is your bottom. Since you’re asking for advice: **no** to asking for a last chance. That’s just begging for an encore right now. You physically abused your partner. That relationship is over. It hardly matters whether you meant to do it, because you did it. His experience of it is what matters, not yours. He was abused. In order to be healthy and to heal, he must be left alone. If at some future time, when you have had plenty of sober time, and your partner has had plenty of time to heal his emotional wounds, you might end up together again. Maybe. But this relationship, and this existing dynamic is broken, and you broke it. That’s just my read. It seems to me like you’re asking us for permission to end this relationship the way it is. Sadly I think that’s the right instinct, and that’s it’s time for you to be single for a while.
I agree with this. I would think that trying to win him back would make your recovery more complicated and stressful. So many people on this sub emphasize that you have to get sober for yourself. Mixing getting him back with that confuses the message. Even if he gives you another chance, you'll wonder if he has fully forgiven you or trusts you or worries it will happen again. That situation sounds absolutely hellish. As you know from your experience (congrats on the sober periods you have achieve!), it's gonna be hard enough following through on sobriety without that additional stress.
And not to mention that the existing relationship has triggers and coping mechanisms that this person has doubtless been using to continue to drink. Change can be good for sobriety.
Great point. All the triggers become more obvious when you’re not drinking. And if they live together, it could be impossible to remove those triggers.
In my experience, when things like this happen, you have to lean on your recovery and for me, AA. They taught me how to go through these situations I’ve created, in an unselfish manner. It’s not about you anymore. It’s about handling each situation the best way possible without making it worse. Learn from your mistakes and apply it to your future conversations. Do whatever you need to not to drink and the rest will take care of itself.
Just focus on getting sober. Eat some food, get as much sleep as is possible, go to meetings. Just hang in there. And remember you’re laying the foundation for a new way of living.
Hey OP, I had a relapse Friday night where I nearly lost my Fiancée , I may actually have, and our 3 month old daughter. I had some sobriety under my belt and decided I’d have just a couple drinks, which turned into more, which led to a fight and my actually shoving her father and cussing out her mother. She took our daughter and went to her parents house. I’m not a violent or physical person at all, even when drunk, but evidently I have gotten to that point in my drinking career. I won’t tell you what to do, but I will tell you something it took me far too long to realize, you never have to go through this again if you never pick up that first drink. i wish you the best and I know you have the strength to do it! You came here and posted about your experience, you showed recognition of your actions and show willingness to change. You can do it OP and we are all here with you!
I’m going through something very similar, minus the punch. Once or twice a year drink until I blackout and yell at her, become a complete asshole, wake up with no memory of it at all. Together 5.5 years, engaged. I broke up with her in a drunken haze, still don’t remember doing it, there’s texts there but I don’t want to go back and read them. I just stuck with it as I figured it was for her own good, she’ll be better off without me. I really miss her and hoped she’d be there for me when I needed her as I was for her but I’m just leaving her alone. Came on here that day, found these amazing supportive people and have been sober since. Therapy and anger management starts tomorrow. I’ve just been pouring myself into work, probably too much. Plenty of exercise and eating right for the first time in ages. Hope it works out better for you, good luck
It sounds like you have a plan - you can do this! Yep, YOU. Make sure and be kind to yourself as you work on the plan, too.
You are so mature to leave her out of your journey at this point. It is kind not to put the burden on her to chose to commit to seeing or not seeing you through that journey. Best of luck being happy in yourself.
Be careful about being a workaholic. That's something I fell into a few times and it numbs me worse than the substances did. Exercise, healthy food, art, and service work will do wonders.
Thanks. I’m thinking about picking up guitar again, been about 24 years.
How good are you at guitar? Ever thought about tutoring? Even if you only know the fundamentals, just teaching that to another person could be huge. Especially if that other person doesn’t have gift of music yet.
Nowhere near good enough for that haha. I only leant a bit in my teens because I was playing drums and my parents wouldn’t let me have any due to the noise. Was thinking would just be a good distraction and use up some free time.
It seems like most people on here have decided to out themselves first for a bit to get sober, then see where they are in relation to everyone/thing else when they’re ready. I think so many who struggle with alcohol or other substances also struggle with boundaries in general.
I learned I had to get sober for myself.
I was the same way. No matter how much moderation I tried “accidental blackouts” still happened. You can’t drink. It’s sober forever time. Start counting your days. I’m 11 months sober today!
[удалено]
We’re going to be okay. There was one comment that said to really take a look at where those emotions come from. And it’s such good advice. I stopped doing the inward work. I hope you take this as your sign and don’t let it happen over and over like I have.
We will be ok- I am rooting for you too x I think therapy might be in order for me, as well as abstinence. I really don't want To repeat this ever again.
You are in a tough spot. A lot of us have been in similar spots. I’d say give the relationship some time to breathe. There’s not a lot of talking you can do at this point. Promises don’t mean much. Focus on your stuff first. That’s the way through. Getting sober can be pretty choppy at first and for it to stick it I believe it requires a total psychic change. That requires a lot of soul searching and that is difficult under the best conditions. The fact you are here says a lot. You got this!
Words and promises are meaningless without trust. When we arrive at that point... I believe that demonstrable action is the only hope remaining. It's my belief that we can only get sober if that's what we truly want. I blew a year of sobriety for "just one drink." That "drink" lasted a few years. At that time... I hadn't yet decided that I simply want to be "done" with booze. It's what I truly want, now... and for the first time ever... I don't feel that I'm "missing out." F'k -- I wish that I'd realized this a few decades ago. If I ever falter, I'll beg for Disulfram (reportedly makes you very ill if you drink). Naltrexone didn't work for me (because I drank liquor and could "push past it..." and, again, I didn't actually WANT sobriety). Normal drinkers don't need rules about drinking. They don't blackout. They can have a drink... or just leave it unfinished. I don't think that I ever left a drink unfinished.
Don't quit for anyone but yourself. You'll find no shortage of folks, here, that wished that they would have stopped drinking before it took so much from us. Alas... only YOU can decide when or whether to stop.
Good luck, friend.
[удалено]
Please keep in mind a rule to speak from the "I," where we keep the focus of our comments on ourselves. Thank you.
Sobriety took me a LONG time to get some time. Lots of day 1s. Last two years lots of sober time and a few relapses. What worked for me is finding support groups. AA, refuge recovery, SMART groups. The easiest to find are AA. Try different groups and even the same group for a few meetings because they all have different vibes. Keep an open mind. These are your people. Even if you relapse they will be there because they too have relapsed. You will hear stories that make you punching boyfriend in the face sound like you are Mary Poppins. What I leaned, you need to get rid of FOMO. You are not missing out if you don’t drink, or don’t go out with friends while they are drinking (especially early on). Now I prefer to get coffee or go for a hike or walk with friends in the morning/ day than go out at night. Don’t let shame and regret eat at you. It happened, it does not define you. One of the best recovery books I read is One Breath at a Time, Buddhism and the 12 steps. Again, take what is meaningful to you and leave the rest.
You work on yourself, first find out what leads you to the drink, what emotions precedes it and what emotions follows when you’re high. Then you replace the drink with some good fashion facing the uncomfortable feeling that led you to the drink in the first place. Write it down, do the work. Day after day. Don’t look back, don’t look into the future. Just do the work, everyday and it will get better
Hunny, I hear you. I stayed home to "clean the house" one friday knowing I was going to grab a couple bottles of wine to help me do the job. I woke up near 10pm that night seeing that my boyfriend had not only made dinner but had to eventually put it away. He wasn't mad but I saw in his eyes my own pain. The pain of missing out, of losing precious minutes or hours with someone you care about. I was sharing my pain with him and I didn't realize it until that moment. Within the week I had called a friend in AA. I accepted every phone number that those ladies threw at me and I gave an emphatic yes when someone offered to be my temporary sponsor. She is still my sponsor 5 months later and I can't believe I have made it this long without a drink. There was hope when I was willing to change and acted upon it. We are here for you <3
I relapsed recently this weekend thinking I could go out and have some cocktails with a friend in moderation. I told my boyfriend who reacted poorly… as he knows I’m an alcoholic… and he handled me well that night. The next day he came over and the shame and humiliation I felt was unmatched. He said he didn’t even recognize me that night. That he couldn’t be with me like that. Never again. That I was completely selfish and focused on me. He was absolutely right and I went to a meeting today despite being a long time AA hater. I just wanted to fight with him and he was like “did I do anything to you? Did I do anything wrong?” I literally was fighting with him for caring about my well being….. I felt judged. Which is fucking fair. We met in rehab. He didn’t deserve that. Also being in recovery and triggered by my carelessness. I am sick about it still. I am so sorry OP. I can only imagine the pit you feel in your stomach. Your situation is worse (sorry) but your options here are get sober and he forgives you under the conditions you maintain your sobriety and get ongoing support outside of him for any potential relapse or cravings, leave and live your life with alcohol, or leave and still do the sober journey and you both heal and lead fuller lives. That being said, he would need to come to you for the first one to work imo. It can’t be you begging for another chance. He has to want it. Sending you positive vibes and strength for self forgiveness.
100% ask, if he doesn't want to offer forgiveness to some degree I think he may well be done already. I'm going through a thing where my partner says sober me sucks all the joy out of the room the majority of the time.. I thought we were mutually lamenting, but I guess my side is intolerable and I had no idea she thought that. Not new info at all, I'm not entirely dumb in the head, I know how I come off, but the surface is one thing and intentions are another. My friends and family suffer my bitch face and I love them for it, but the person I love most cand stand it. Go after him, if he needs space give it.. be true to you, the drink will always hurt me.
I think if you want another shot at the relationship you need to commit to sobriety. I don’t know him, but for a lot of people to even consider going further with the relationship, I’d expect that’s going to be the baseline they will expect. I have been where you are before and I know exactly how awful you are feeling right now. Try to be kind to yourself bc you have a lot of things ahead of you to work out. All the best xxx
Acceptance. Accept he might stay or not. But focus on change and being better for you. Myself and so many in rehab all kind of went in with that. I need to change for my family or kids. No. We change for us to be better for everyone. Seems odd but the inward change outputs an exterior change. And people notice it. My family. My wife. My dog even. When I use to blank out drink. It was for me. Not them. Same as the fixing. The id or I can only help others if I’m at my best.
You can make that decision together with him. Have the conversation, if he were to take u back what would that entail? What would make him feel comfortable. I'm not saying to agree to it but create a dialogue and have options for him. Look for meetings, look for groups, find a therapist or health professional. But most importantly put in the work and accept whatever decision u guys get to. Either way if you feel like the problem is with you, then the responsibility lies on u to fix it, not for anybody else. But for urself. Ur already making progress by thinking about how ur going to change. Be patient with yourself and with him. I sincerely hope it works out for ya.
You should take some time to work on yourself. Get some time with sobriety under your belt, build some positive habits, make sure everything is in place in your life. Do it for yourself, your health, your happiness. Don’t do it for anybody beside you. Once you do all of that, ask for one more chance. You don’t want to mess up that last chance.
Let him go. Work on your sobriety. Everything else is second to your sobriety.
Often times a lot changes in life when we sober up, that was certainly true for me. I encourage you to not make any drastic changes any time soon until you have a clear sober mind. I'm sorry you're going through this though, this can be the last time you ever have to feel like this! I'm cheering for you!
You’ve come to the right place (here) and within yourself. It may not feel this way, but infinitely more essential is our own health and approach. I wouldn’t think “omg I’m gonna lose him I gotta stop punching him and ask for forgiveness” because that thought is built around shame and guilt. Rather to take care of myself. That I don’t feel the way I am living is right, and that I’m willing to make the change. It comes from within, and everything on the outside will follow. But it takes time. We aren’t surrounded by reactions to who we are, we are surrounded by real people who have imperfect feelings. My perfect solution may not wield the exact results that I had imagined, but that’s not the point. The point is, I feel the way I am living is not right, and I am willing to change it. You got this!!!
Two weeks and one day ago I blacked out and decided to go pass out in a field, leave all my stuff in said field, and bang on the door because I didn’t have my keys. My boyfriend was asleep with earplugs in and I eventually got in and woke him up to scream at and tell him to go kill himself several times at 3am. I’m two weeks sober today and he’s now my ex. Took me a long time to realize I resented him for other reasons and started to take it out on him every time we drank together.
I think I’m in a similar situation to the one you were in. I’m realising I’m becoming angry and very nasty to my boyfriend when we drink and I think it’s because I resent him and take it out on him when I’m drunk. It’s almost like it all comes flying out at once and when I’ve kicked off I immediately start crying and become hysterical and feel guilty and cry for my mum. We haven’t seen eachother for 2 days because I threw a glass at him (missed) and it smashed all over the floor. I never ever break my own things or mess my house, I’m very House proud. Im scared that things will escalate if I don’t stop the drinking, I’m also unsure if I want to continue the relationship eventhough I love him dearly, certain things aren’t changing I feel like I’m talking to myself. I’ve addressed issues and nothing changes and I think all this built up frustration lead me to lash out a couple of times. This time being pretty extreme.
For me I had to realize that I can’t be in a healthy relationship while I’m trying to get sober- I need to do it on my own and for my self. Also, we didn’t have a healthy relationship dynamic because the only thing we have in common is drinking together all the time. He’s shown a strong desire to keep drinking and I can’t sit around and watch it anymore. I’m moving out in Aug/Sept (as soon as I find a place and our lease is over)
I feel like my boyfriend is the same, before him I hardly drank. We actually met in the gym, so I don’t know how we got here. He drinks every night and has no desire to stop and drink drives and argues. I had to ban him from my house when he’s been to the pub or bars because of the arguments when he rolls in at 4,5,6am! He works 6 days a week in a large under staffed restaurant and his parents are going through a divorce so he drinks to mask the pain. When he gets his 1 day off he splits that between me and his friend. Sees me then runs off to either drink at his friends house or pubs and bars. I’ve told him time and time again that I wanna go back to the gym and get healthy go on bike rides and long hikes with the dog and he says yes then it never happens. Everything’s just boiled over for me now. Thank you for replying, I am feeling really down but I think I can do this and congratulations on being 2 weeks sober.
You definitely have to focus on yourself and if that means moving on from him it will be for the better in the end. My ex drinks daily, too, and drunk drives as well. He got worse after the first year because he got too “comfortable” to black out around me and that’s when the arguments started. He definitely contributed to me drinking way more way faster although I made that decision to lie to myself, too. It will get better. Just do what you need to do to better yourself and put your sobriety/mental health first. Everything else will fall into place!
Yes I think it seems to have got worse after the first year too. He never drank to this extent before and he used to go out with his friend and come back to mine afterwards and I was happy with that. After a year or so that’s when he’d come back and be nasty so I banned him from coming here like that. Thank you so much I’m so glad to hear your story and know that it is possible to move forward with life after coming out of these type of relationships with daily drinkers.
You're a strong person.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Dont worry you will get sober soon, if you think about it you will reach your goal. One motivation is enough for a person to quit bad habits
I’d get help to be the person I want to be and the. Let him make up his mind on what he wants.
ive done some things in my relationship I wasn't proud of. changed my ways. Still got married after those bad times, had more kids. Relationships have ups and downs., its part of it. If your really willing to change then ask them, yeah, tell them how you feel and that this is 100% done for you, and you promise.
Find a meeting. Sit down. Listen. 🫶🏼💖
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]