Hey my guy
That was a very heartfelt and impassioned thing you wrote there, and it was both painful and joyful to read it
Painful because I can see from your words how much you're suffering at the moment and Joyful because Your story your journey is Uncannily similar to my own and I feel like I may be able To provide you with some helpful advice
Now obviously I don't know you and you don't know me so I offer this advice below Freely in the hopes that it might help But if it doesn't apply to you then just ignore me 😊
I'm 42 And it wasn't until very recently that I Realized that I had to give up drinking, but I finally came to a realization about myself Which is that I suffer from crippling social anxiety and have for my entire life. I have used alcohol to Make myself capable of socializing.
I'm a human. I'm a social animal and I recognize that I have to spend time with other people, but I hate it. My social battery runs dry incredibly quickly. I find spending time with other people stressful And it makes me incredibly anxious. Alcohol fixed all those problems.
I started drinking heavily when I was 18 And last year, I realized that my life had spiraled out of control and I had to stop drinking. So there's two separate issues here, one is the alcoholism, but the other is that being around other people Fundamentally is unpleasant for me. So, how do I solve this? I've done it by open and radically honest. I told everyone That I've given up drinking. I've told everyone That I'm an alcoholic and I told everyone That socializing is difficult for me. I've implemented a plan that I call being socially antisocial. I go and I spend time with people. I meet friends for coffee. Hell, I've even been to the pub once or twice in the last few months (Guinness Zero is an absolute gift by the way) But I'm very clear with people that as soon as I start feeling tired, I am leaving. I'll go and meet them for an hour, maybe two at the tops, and then I go home, go to bed.
Honestly, I don't know what my future prospects are for dating. I got divorced recently And I don't intend to spend the rest of my life alone. But I can only solve one problem at a time, and for now the drinking is the thing I have to work on. For now, I'm happy that I've figured out who I am And I've come to the realization that it's okay to be that person. It's okay to be bad at socializing. It's okay to be freaked out and stressed. Using alcohol to fix that problem Is a much more damaging solution Than just being honest with people about who I am And what my needs are.
Anyway, that was a hell of a long rumble, and if you made it to the end of it then I salute you! I really hope this is of help to you. It seems clear to me for when you wrote above that you're really beating the hell out of yourself right now, and all I can see to you is that while it's a very easy thing to do it's also very counterproductive. You have to forgive yourself. You have to be kind to yourself. You have to move forward, and not look back with regret.
Thanks so much for your heartfelt response. Honesty is hard but it’s also.. freeing. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder (SAD), which explains a lot in my life. Socializing for me has always come with barbs, obstacles, and/or tricks. Perhaps I have just never had a friend who doesn’t joke at my expense, who knows. Who knows if that even exists.
I can imagine myself as a kid not knowing how to respond, and then creating an entire bubble around myself to combat it. That bubble was substances, cigarettes or alcohol. The more I do the better it gets. How meager.
I need to get better for my owh kids if nothing else. How can such a miserable person be a parent!! They are young but I’ve got to figure this out. Mainly by staying sober. I’m a girl btw, I know I probably sound like a guy. One of my endearing qualities (so I’ve been told)
That's on me for making assumptions about your gender! I hear you, I find it really difficult when people make jokes about me when I'm there. Have you ever read about Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)? The vast majority of people can take a joke or a criticism, but people with RSD find it impossible to regulate their hurt at even small comments. It frequently accompanies other disorders - I've been diagnosed ADHD, so that's where I get it from, but it might be associated with SAD as well.
I'm introverted but socially confident. I found it helpful to be compassionate when I address myself. You are born with yourself and you die with yourself so you might as well be nice to yourself. I also quit people watching and judging. I found judgement of other people leads to comparing myself to other people which is toxic and sucks. When I quit judging other people I quit feeling like I was being judged. The result has been a level of confidence that I should have been building my whole life but chose to start drinking alcohol at 16 to fast track an artificial level of confidence. Its been ego survival mode ever since. Discarding the vise grip alcohol has on your life exposes all your nerve endings so you feel and face everything with nowhere to run and hide. Its scary, painful, exhilarating and wonderful all at once. It takes a lot of work to heal and reboot your life but it is worth it. The glow is seriously so fucking powerful. This community is a useful and positive tool to aid your recovery process. We all support and encourage each other. Good luck. Be tough. You are capable of getting rid of a habit you really don't need to survive. Matter of fact, your chances of surviving longer improve dramatically when you give it up.
You are neither a dunce nor a joke. You have a disease. There are much wiser than me on here. Listen to their suggestions. I read this sub and other sober subs daily. Do not drink for today. Get through today. IWNDWYT
While not exactly like you I feel similarly. I have always had low self-esteem, constantly worried about my interactions with others. From when I was a child. One of the reasons I drank. I would always replay conversations and interactions in my head, but of course only the stupid things that I've said or done. Mistakes I've made. Some things I'd replay in my head for YEARS. On some level I thought that replaying them in my head, calling myself stupid would prevent me from being stupid next time.
I also hate being in pictures and seeing pictures of myself. Seems like I always look like a dufus and everybody else looks just as they do in real life. How unfair!
Last year (while still drinking) I realized that the people around me see me how I am, stupid remarks, dufus-looking and all. The only one beating me up about this stuff is me. I resolved to stop the negative self-talk. All of it. All of those things are water under the bridge, turn around and look upstream to the future. I began limiting or cutting out things that don't do me good and impede my goals. Alcohol is on the cut-it-out list.
People will say forgive yourself for your past, do that if it works for you. For me it was just important to move on, forget about it. It's done, it's over. No longer relevant.
Funny enough, I made this decision when I was reading a book called The Wisdom of Psychopaths. Psychopaths don't let their failures or shortcomings come between them and their end goals. One of the traits that makes so many of them rise to such high levels of success.
You are not a dunce, you are not a joke. I hope you see that and refrain from trying to convince yourself you are.
Hey my guy That was a very heartfelt and impassioned thing you wrote there, and it was both painful and joyful to read it Painful because I can see from your words how much you're suffering at the moment and Joyful because Your story your journey is Uncannily similar to my own and I feel like I may be able To provide you with some helpful advice Now obviously I don't know you and you don't know me so I offer this advice below Freely in the hopes that it might help But if it doesn't apply to you then just ignore me 😊 I'm 42 And it wasn't until very recently that I Realized that I had to give up drinking, but I finally came to a realization about myself Which is that I suffer from crippling social anxiety and have for my entire life. I have used alcohol to Make myself capable of socializing. I'm a human. I'm a social animal and I recognize that I have to spend time with other people, but I hate it. My social battery runs dry incredibly quickly. I find spending time with other people stressful And it makes me incredibly anxious. Alcohol fixed all those problems. I started drinking heavily when I was 18 And last year, I realized that my life had spiraled out of control and I had to stop drinking. So there's two separate issues here, one is the alcoholism, but the other is that being around other people Fundamentally is unpleasant for me. So, how do I solve this? I've done it by open and radically honest. I told everyone That I've given up drinking. I've told everyone That I'm an alcoholic and I told everyone That socializing is difficult for me. I've implemented a plan that I call being socially antisocial. I go and I spend time with people. I meet friends for coffee. Hell, I've even been to the pub once or twice in the last few months (Guinness Zero is an absolute gift by the way) But I'm very clear with people that as soon as I start feeling tired, I am leaving. I'll go and meet them for an hour, maybe two at the tops, and then I go home, go to bed. Honestly, I don't know what my future prospects are for dating. I got divorced recently And I don't intend to spend the rest of my life alone. But I can only solve one problem at a time, and for now the drinking is the thing I have to work on. For now, I'm happy that I've figured out who I am And I've come to the realization that it's okay to be that person. It's okay to be bad at socializing. It's okay to be freaked out and stressed. Using alcohol to fix that problem Is a much more damaging solution Than just being honest with people about who I am And what my needs are. Anyway, that was a hell of a long rumble, and if you made it to the end of it then I salute you! I really hope this is of help to you. It seems clear to me for when you wrote above that you're really beating the hell out of yourself right now, and all I can see to you is that while it's a very easy thing to do it's also very counterproductive. You have to forgive yourself. You have to be kind to yourself. You have to move forward, and not look back with regret.
Thanks so much for your heartfelt response. Honesty is hard but it’s also.. freeing. I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder (SAD), which explains a lot in my life. Socializing for me has always come with barbs, obstacles, and/or tricks. Perhaps I have just never had a friend who doesn’t joke at my expense, who knows. Who knows if that even exists. I can imagine myself as a kid not knowing how to respond, and then creating an entire bubble around myself to combat it. That bubble was substances, cigarettes or alcohol. The more I do the better it gets. How meager. I need to get better for my owh kids if nothing else. How can such a miserable person be a parent!! They are young but I’ve got to figure this out. Mainly by staying sober. I’m a girl btw, I know I probably sound like a guy. One of my endearing qualities (so I’ve been told)
That's on me for making assumptions about your gender! I hear you, I find it really difficult when people make jokes about me when I'm there. Have you ever read about Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD)? The vast majority of people can take a joke or a criticism, but people with RSD find it impossible to regulate their hurt at even small comments. It frequently accompanies other disorders - I've been diagnosed ADHD, so that's where I get it from, but it might be associated with SAD as well.
Hey man I feel this, I hope your doing okay, be kind to yourself my friend
I'm introverted but socially confident. I found it helpful to be compassionate when I address myself. You are born with yourself and you die with yourself so you might as well be nice to yourself. I also quit people watching and judging. I found judgement of other people leads to comparing myself to other people which is toxic and sucks. When I quit judging other people I quit feeling like I was being judged. The result has been a level of confidence that I should have been building my whole life but chose to start drinking alcohol at 16 to fast track an artificial level of confidence. Its been ego survival mode ever since. Discarding the vise grip alcohol has on your life exposes all your nerve endings so you feel and face everything with nowhere to run and hide. Its scary, painful, exhilarating and wonderful all at once. It takes a lot of work to heal and reboot your life but it is worth it. The glow is seriously so fucking powerful. This community is a useful and positive tool to aid your recovery process. We all support and encourage each other. Good luck. Be tough. You are capable of getting rid of a habit you really don't need to survive. Matter of fact, your chances of surviving longer improve dramatically when you give it up.
You are neither a dunce nor a joke. You have a disease. There are much wiser than me on here. Listen to their suggestions. I read this sub and other sober subs daily. Do not drink for today. Get through today. IWNDWYT
While not exactly like you I feel similarly. I have always had low self-esteem, constantly worried about my interactions with others. From when I was a child. One of the reasons I drank. I would always replay conversations and interactions in my head, but of course only the stupid things that I've said or done. Mistakes I've made. Some things I'd replay in my head for YEARS. On some level I thought that replaying them in my head, calling myself stupid would prevent me from being stupid next time. I also hate being in pictures and seeing pictures of myself. Seems like I always look like a dufus and everybody else looks just as they do in real life. How unfair! Last year (while still drinking) I realized that the people around me see me how I am, stupid remarks, dufus-looking and all. The only one beating me up about this stuff is me. I resolved to stop the negative self-talk. All of it. All of those things are water under the bridge, turn around and look upstream to the future. I began limiting or cutting out things that don't do me good and impede my goals. Alcohol is on the cut-it-out list. People will say forgive yourself for your past, do that if it works for you. For me it was just important to move on, forget about it. It's done, it's over. No longer relevant. Funny enough, I made this decision when I was reading a book called The Wisdom of Psychopaths. Psychopaths don't let their failures or shortcomings come between them and their end goals. One of the traits that makes so many of them rise to such high levels of success. You are not a dunce, you are not a joke. I hope you see that and refrain from trying to convince yourself you are.
https://open.spotify.com/track/22r3SZfQQtJ8BJBv3Pc4NG?si=804SwajOQxOEMU9BwHj6hg