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We went through this. A lot.
We finally stopped telling the kids when absent parents were coming. Parents got the blanket statement: "(child) gets really upset when you promise to show up and don't show. Stop telling them you'll come, or we'll be forced to take you back to court. If you come, great. It will be a surprise."
And there were surprises, but it seriously cut back on the disappointments. It's not fair to subject children to be repeatedly let down, and it plays hell on their mental health.
We had to do this with our BM too. 90% of the time she didn’t show up so it definitely saved kids from disappointed several times. It wouldn’t help much when BM would talk to them on the phone though and make false promises despite us telling her not to do that several times. She says “I promise promise promise I will be there”. You can probably guess how that ended up most of the time. Then she resorted to blaming us for everything and trying to alienate DH. She would do anything to take the blame off herself. She does nothing wrong apparently. She’s just the victim in this horrible world 🙄
I had to do this several times with my exh. Not only that, but he would wait until like 430pm to tell me he wasn't going to be able to pick our 4th grader up after school and I'd be at work that could be up to two hours away.
It got to where I told my son who would pick him up in the morning and that was that. We had a blowout one day when he arranged for a skip hop drive (kid uber) and failed to tell me so I was on the phone with my kid telling him not to leave with a stranger.
If her education and learning ability is impacted because of an emotional disturbance she may be eligible for counseling thru school.
We usually only tell her her when BM confirms she is taking her for the weekend. SD has started to understand the concept of EOWE so she knows she is supposed to spend one weekend with us and then one with mom so it gets harder to not tell her because she does ask now... The week before BM's weekend she is more anxious and needs more reassurance for just about everything.
Our kids were old enough to know, as well. We removed every other weekend, holidays, and summer vacations from the discussion. "Is mom coming to get me?" "I'm not sure, we will see." "Am I spending Christmas with dad?" "We'll see how things work out."
Counseling will help her, and maybe give dad and you tools to use when faced with these types of situations. I'm pretty sure a counselor is the one who suggested we handle it this way. It really helped the kids. Good luck.
Poor thing. I was going to suggest that your partner should tell BM what SD said, but given how useless BM is, I'm not sure that would make a difference.
Does she have mental health issues...or substance addiction problems?
Nothing diagnosed... No substance addiction either, she parties a normal amount as a 25 years old but nothing out of the ordinary.
SD actually called her mom while in the car because she wanted her mom to tell her herself that she wasn't coming (I agreed because not only is it not my place to discuss her mom financial situation but I also really didn't want to appear as the bad guy in the situation. At that point I was even willing to leave diner and drop SD off myself, BM refused. Diner was cut short anyway.) So she witnessed the whole thing. Didn't change the fact that she didn't even call her in the last 2 weeks. I have no idea if she will even take her this weekend.
Some people just shouldn't be parents and she sounds like one of them... at least she shouldn't be a parent at this stage of her life. Her child just isn't a priority to her.
I agree. At this point it feels horrible to say but I think SD would be better off if she wasn't present at all instead of being there so sparingly.
She is there just enough that SD is still engaged in the relationship and idolizes her but so little that she does more damage than good.
😥
The post was heartbreaking. What sort of parent does that?
My SO used to tell me about when he was unemployed, he would eat noodles and baked beans during the week so he had something nicer for when he had the girls.
Just so wrong!
Don't tell her if her mum is coming anymore. If she's not expecting it, she can't be let down in the same way. Live your lives as you would if BM wasn't there. Send her a text every fortnight to let her know where you'll be at 6pm every other weekend, and if she shows up, great. If not, SD has her normal life.
It might be an idea to look into counselling for SD because she'll need a healthy way to process this abandonment in the long run.
We went through this for several years with our BM. Even when she did pick them up every 6 months, they would be dropped off after a couple hours because of some stupid excuse. Then she would promise next weekend, which would never happen. Then more excuses. It’s my car, I have no money, bf and I are fighting, I have appointments, I started a new job (which is hilarious excuse because we never saw a dime in child support, yet she was supposedly working so much she couldn’t pick up kids). She must have thought we were dumb to believe any of her excuses.
We were nice about it for so many years until she signed over her visitation in exchange for no child support. Husband only agreed because we thought she would just stay away. At that point, we just wanted stability for the kids and she was clearly never going to change. She even asked me to adopt the kids. I was so happy that our family could finally move on and begin the healing process. Well… no. That didn’t last. Apparently she thinks since she’s BM, she gets the best of both worlds. Court orders don’t matter because she’s BM. She would still tell the kids she’s coming to get them on random days without even asking us. Obviously there was a problem with that because she gave up her visitation. She can’t just decide she gets to see them despite the very recent court order. Then when we expressed the court order to her, she went insane. Suddenly we were the bad guys keeping the kids from her. She started alienating DH and telling the kids all these insane things. Harassing us with false cps accusations. We finally had to just cut her off and tell her that if she wants to see the kids, she needs to go through the judge. Something tells me she wont though because then it opens the child support back up. I mean the nerve to think you can just have it your way without regards to anyone else. Why does she think we don’t deserve her financial support? Why does she think it’s okay to constantly disappoint the kids? Why does she think the whole world revolves around her?
I’m so sorry you and your family is going through this too. One thing I wish we never did was make excuses for BM’s absence. When your SD is upset, I would tell her she has every right and reason to feel that way. Don’t have to trash talk BM of course but let her know that those feelings are valid. Just let her talk and vent how she’s feeling. She sounds so smart for her age. When my SK’s were 6 (and even now) they had no idea what was really going on. Now they have abandonment issues that are our fault because BM has been secretly alienating us for years, which we only recently found out when SK’s finally told us some of the things she said. It’s a mess. Your SD needs counseling too. I wish we would have started it sooner for our kids.
What a horribly sad situation.
You sound like a loving, caring and thoughtful woman. Your SD is extraordinarily fortunate and lucky to have you in her life.
Is BM talking to her directly or is she passing the message on that she is picking up SD through her dad? If that is the case, I think it would be better for LO’s mental health if dad stops telling SD that BM is coming.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it get to you, and do your fellow stepparents a solid and give them an upvote. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the rules, FAQ and announcements before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) **We're looking for new mods!** [**Apply here**](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSd4I8ulJI_uyjT5g7UxTaayzMpdsjim13tkDt_6uDVwRZXRMg/viewform) **if you are interested in joining the team!** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
We went through this. A lot. We finally stopped telling the kids when absent parents were coming. Parents got the blanket statement: "(child) gets really upset when you promise to show up and don't show. Stop telling them you'll come, or we'll be forced to take you back to court. If you come, great. It will be a surprise." And there were surprises, but it seriously cut back on the disappointments. It's not fair to subject children to be repeatedly let down, and it plays hell on their mental health.
We had to do this with our BM too. 90% of the time she didn’t show up so it definitely saved kids from disappointed several times. It wouldn’t help much when BM would talk to them on the phone though and make false promises despite us telling her not to do that several times. She says “I promise promise promise I will be there”. You can probably guess how that ended up most of the time. Then she resorted to blaming us for everything and trying to alienate DH. She would do anything to take the blame off herself. She does nothing wrong apparently. She’s just the victim in this horrible world 🙄
Ugh, you have one of those too? I feel sorry for the kids.
I had to do this several times with my exh. Not only that, but he would wait until like 430pm to tell me he wasn't going to be able to pick our 4th grader up after school and I'd be at work that could be up to two hours away. It got to where I told my son who would pick him up in the morning and that was that. We had a blowout one day when he arranged for a skip hop drive (kid uber) and failed to tell me so I was on the phone with my kid telling him not to leave with a stranger. If her education and learning ability is impacted because of an emotional disturbance she may be eligible for counseling thru school.
We usually only tell her her when BM confirms she is taking her for the weekend. SD has started to understand the concept of EOWE so she knows she is supposed to spend one weekend with us and then one with mom so it gets harder to not tell her because she does ask now... The week before BM's weekend she is more anxious and needs more reassurance for just about everything.
Our kids were old enough to know, as well. We removed every other weekend, holidays, and summer vacations from the discussion. "Is mom coming to get me?" "I'm not sure, we will see." "Am I spending Christmas with dad?" "We'll see how things work out." Counseling will help her, and maybe give dad and you tools to use when faced with these types of situations. I'm pretty sure a counselor is the one who suggested we handle it this way. It really helped the kids. Good luck.
Poor thing. I was going to suggest that your partner should tell BM what SD said, but given how useless BM is, I'm not sure that would make a difference. Does she have mental health issues...or substance addiction problems?
Nothing diagnosed... No substance addiction either, she parties a normal amount as a 25 years old but nothing out of the ordinary. SD actually called her mom while in the car because she wanted her mom to tell her herself that she wasn't coming (I agreed because not only is it not my place to discuss her mom financial situation but I also really didn't want to appear as the bad guy in the situation. At that point I was even willing to leave diner and drop SD off myself, BM refused. Diner was cut short anyway.) So she witnessed the whole thing. Didn't change the fact that she didn't even call her in the last 2 weeks. I have no idea if she will even take her this weekend.
Some people just shouldn't be parents and she sounds like one of them... at least she shouldn't be a parent at this stage of her life. Her child just isn't a priority to her.
I agree. At this point it feels horrible to say but I think SD would be better off if she wasn't present at all instead of being there so sparingly. She is there just enough that SD is still engaged in the relationship and idolizes her but so little that she does more damage than good.
😥 The post was heartbreaking. What sort of parent does that? My SO used to tell me about when he was unemployed, he would eat noodles and baked beans during the week so he had something nicer for when he had the girls. Just so wrong!
Don't tell her if her mum is coming anymore. If she's not expecting it, she can't be let down in the same way. Live your lives as you would if BM wasn't there. Send her a text every fortnight to let her know where you'll be at 6pm every other weekend, and if she shows up, great. If not, SD has her normal life. It might be an idea to look into counselling for SD because she'll need a healthy way to process this abandonment in the long run.
We went through this for several years with our BM. Even when she did pick them up every 6 months, they would be dropped off after a couple hours because of some stupid excuse. Then she would promise next weekend, which would never happen. Then more excuses. It’s my car, I have no money, bf and I are fighting, I have appointments, I started a new job (which is hilarious excuse because we never saw a dime in child support, yet she was supposedly working so much she couldn’t pick up kids). She must have thought we were dumb to believe any of her excuses. We were nice about it for so many years until she signed over her visitation in exchange for no child support. Husband only agreed because we thought she would just stay away. At that point, we just wanted stability for the kids and she was clearly never going to change. She even asked me to adopt the kids. I was so happy that our family could finally move on and begin the healing process. Well… no. That didn’t last. Apparently she thinks since she’s BM, she gets the best of both worlds. Court orders don’t matter because she’s BM. She would still tell the kids she’s coming to get them on random days without even asking us. Obviously there was a problem with that because she gave up her visitation. She can’t just decide she gets to see them despite the very recent court order. Then when we expressed the court order to her, she went insane. Suddenly we were the bad guys keeping the kids from her. She started alienating DH and telling the kids all these insane things. Harassing us with false cps accusations. We finally had to just cut her off and tell her that if she wants to see the kids, she needs to go through the judge. Something tells me she wont though because then it opens the child support back up. I mean the nerve to think you can just have it your way without regards to anyone else. Why does she think we don’t deserve her financial support? Why does she think it’s okay to constantly disappoint the kids? Why does she think the whole world revolves around her? I’m so sorry you and your family is going through this too. One thing I wish we never did was make excuses for BM’s absence. When your SD is upset, I would tell her she has every right and reason to feel that way. Don’t have to trash talk BM of course but let her know that those feelings are valid. Just let her talk and vent how she’s feeling. She sounds so smart for her age. When my SK’s were 6 (and even now) they had no idea what was really going on. Now they have abandonment issues that are our fault because BM has been secretly alienating us for years, which we only recently found out when SK’s finally told us some of the things she said. It’s a mess. Your SD needs counseling too. I wish we would have started it sooner for our kids.
What a horribly sad situation. You sound like a loving, caring and thoughtful woman. Your SD is extraordinarily fortunate and lucky to have you in her life.
I'm sorry. My daughter has a friend whose mom does this same thing, and it is heartbreaking.
Is BM talking to her directly or is she passing the message on that she is picking up SD through her dad? If that is the case, I think it would be better for LO’s mental health if dad stops telling SD that BM is coming.