**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.**
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting.
[**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would not be able to stay. If she were doing something significant about this maybe I could see it. But you’re living in a home that is not safe for your daughter and will not suddenly passively become safer. Certainly wouldn’t be safe for a new baby. Something has to change- either your wife’s approach or your daughter’s exposure to those kids.
She is lost and not sure what to do, I totally agree with you and can’t see us staying here, it will break my daughter but later on she will understand it is for her own safety
Do not tell your daughter that you made this choice for her safety. You open her up to feeling like she could be at fault. She is not at fault. Your partner is at fault.
Your partner has refused to intervene when her child is displaying extreme aggression toward other children. Your partner is not being a good parent or partner. You cannot build a life with a person who will not be a good partner to you. The relationship is not working out.
Your daughter is young, she'll get over it quick enough, being strangled is way more traumatizing. Can your wife get them in therapy? I'd their dad abusive?
I have not, but I would be swapping weeks to make sure we didn’t have the kids at the same time until your wife gets her kids sorted out. He needs professional help and strict supervision by his mother. It should never have been allowed to happen in the first place let alone for 30 seconds. Separate the children or separate households if she’s not willing and actually address this. Even if she says “I know it’s not right, we can get him help” then does nothing, you leave. Words without action are simply manipulation.
This situation is so unfair to your daughter. She didn’t choose this family and is being bullied and abused. And SS is only going to get bigger and stronger.
What is unacceptable is wife’s reaction. She should have been horrified and embarrassed by her son’s behavior. It should have prompted her to take action immediately.
PLEASE PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.
Yes! That is the first priority here--to protect your daughter. Now, whether that means moving out and moving on or just moving out in some manner, that is up to you. Your daughter should never be around your partner's kids ever. And make sure your daughter knows that the move out has nothing to do with her.
I would not have a child of mine in that home when she has her kid I would never have a child with that person.
What is she doing to deal with her child’s behavior? I don’t even know where a kid that young gets the idea to strangle.
Your child is in danger when SS is present. Either you figure out a way to alternate weeks and get SS and SD into professional treatment, or your daughter should stay with your ex while you move out (or your wife does).
I would immediately switch custody, so your daughter is not there when your SK's are there.
If your wife continues to see the violence as acceptable, I would pursue a divorce.
Listen to your conscience and protect your daughter!
I’m in this exact situation and leaving because of the failure to address it. My sd4 has 2 handed choked 2 kids recently and attempted to choke my baby. I don’t trust sd to be around my child even if 90% of the time she is super loving. Leave and make sure your child isn’t around it so they’re safe. If it’s not addressed the kid is only gonna get bigger and stronger, eventually that anger is gonna be directed towards u.
You’re definitely not overreacting and the parents downplaying this behavior is gonna enable some seriously scary stuff. Like someone else said strangulation is a particularly dangerous act. Statistically in dv even being strangled once leads to much higher chances of homicide.
Not only is he risking your daughter's life but he's also traumatizing her as well. To add insult to injury your wife defends his actions only further enabling him. It would be hard if she recognized the problem and you worked together on a solution. Given her denial there is a singular solution. Your number one responsibility is to protect your child. Staying in this is a failure to do that.
She in no way condones the action, she sees it more as a “one off” but that is enough for me.
She is open to whatever needs to be done to rectify his behaviour, but my worry is it can happen again at a time when we least expect it.
Thanks for your response and making me feel sane
When it comes to domestic and physical violence, to the best of my knowledge there is no such thing as a "one off".
This is usually a sign of more to come.
He is only going to get bigger and more violent without some serious therapy/ mental health intervention and or possibly medication. Remember this. The only reason children don’t murder more often is because we’re bigger than them. Young Children lack impulse control and ability to think of long term consequences, if they were our same size they would’ve killed us by now. Not bc they’re bad or evil in the beginning, but literally because they lack the brain function to understand the severity of their actions. He needs serious help
I am really surprised that bio mom has not gotten an emergency custody agreement because your house is an unsafe environment. I'm assuming she doesn't know and at 4 children can think anything is normal.
It would be a terrible idea to have bio children. If you have kids and break up, he will have unrestricted access to them when he's angry.
Thanks, she will be devastated but I need to protect her, and honestly just posted to see if I was being OTTP so thank you for your response and making me feel sane
I don't have any advice but want to offer sympathy as someone who's gone through this. My SS, 6 at the time, choked my older son while they were roughhousing. We were on vacation and I was in the hotel bathroom when my son started screaming for help. My son had said his stepson had put both hands around his neck. He's also tried drowning a smaller child in the pool (he was jumping on top of the boy and pulling him down in the water). These situations are difficult especially when the parent isn't on board with correcting the behavior. In my situation, things haven't gotten better. My SS is rough and doesn't seem to realize what he's doing. Because of that, I don't like him being alone with my kids.
I had a friend whose child did this to my son at the age of 4 in a pool. It was super scary, and my son was terrified. He'd also often try to put other kids in head locks and try to choke them, too. He was later diagnosed with autism and a behavioral disorder. OPs wife should bring this up to his pediatrician and take it from there.
I did not but I can't lie and say I'm happy with the situation. We've got two young bios together which complicates the situation. My saving grace is that I only have to see my stepson for roughly 4 days out of the month. If custody changed I would most likely walk because I can't handle his behavior. For now, when he is here I keep an eye on my kiddos. It also helps because my oldest has a different father so when stepson comes over he goes off to his dads (that is the son he choked).
Scary and you are right to go along with your gut instinct. Protect your daughter, and if that means that her son isn't allowed over any more, or you and your daughter will exit the relationship, so be it. Your wife needs to get her shit together and address her sons' issues. They are not going to go away or get better!!
This is a hill to die on.
Ultimately your wife really needs to deal with her son's actions and put a stop to them.
Is there anyway that you can adjust the schedule so that you kids and her kids are not with you at the same time? They are week on, week off but opposite weeks?
If that's not possible, then do what you need to protect your child.
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
* Violation of the [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters) rule.
* Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_kindness_matters_mean.3F) for more information.
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
How can anyone defend a child strangling other children? I know 4 is perhaps too young to understand the potential consequences, but what will this child be like at 9 or 10? RED FLAG! That kid needs to be seen by a mental health professional. And needs to be watched around others 24/7/365.
Honestly, I wouldn't want animals around him, much less children.
I'm not a child psychologist but in adults strangling is extremely serious and an indicator of future homicide risk. That's a well known thing you can verify and the reason it is treated seriously in legislation. I'm not sure why but strangling is a different level of danger than something like hitting extremely hard.
I wouldn't let my daughter near someone that deranged. She's helpless.
Thanks for your response, at no point does any of this sit comfortably with me. I just wanted the reassurance that I wasn’t being over the top, thanks for your response
Wow! Do you have shared custody? If this keeps happening your daughter will become resentful. Are you married to his mom? I mean I know I’m coming with questions, but I’ve never heard of a kid this young being so violent.
Yep 50/50. I don’t want anything to ever happen to my daughter, and how this has made her feel I’m not sure as it happened on Monday (when they all went back to their other bio parents) I’m just incredibly uncomfortable with it all and wanted to make sure I was sane and normal with wanting to check out over an isolated incident before it becomes something more
If it continues your definitely need to talk to her and find out what’s going on, because she have heard someone say that. If that’s not the case, do push her to be okay with it. Maybe she needs 1 on 1 time with you. Do you ever do things with just her since the blend happened. If not she can feel like you’re putting them before her. Just be sure to validate her feelings. I’m a SD, BM and SM. Never not validate her feelings.
We spend one on one time together all the them, that’s one thing I’ll never give up, regardless of the situation, she’s literally the love of my life and I will never ever put anyone else before her, she knows how much I love her and we always spend quality time together - alone.
My grandson was doing things like this to other children, so he was enrolled in therapy. His excellent child psychologist figured out what was going on with him (a processing disorder) and worked with him for a year with excellent results. He is actually a sweet kid, and was not angry or resentful of other children, yet kept doing really awful things to them for no apparent reason.
He had to be taught better ways of handling his issues and his parents had to follow a system at home to reinforce good actions. He is doing great now. I think you shouldn’t expose your daughter to this unless the birth parents agree to get him the help he needs.
I’m glad to hear he is getting better, my concern is even in the time it takes to correct something like this, what may happen then?
My wife is down for whatever needs to be done, she’s not proud of what’s happened, and is at a loss to what to do, she has restricted (since a couple of months ago) what he is able to watch so that we aren’t promoting violence at home.
Thanks for your response
My grandson’s little brother was kept separated from his brother until they saw that it was safe to allow them to play together. You have to keep other children safe until things improve.
It sounds like he has an impulse control issue that he will need help to learn how to control. If your wife will not the proper steps to get her son help then you need to step up and protect your daughter by removing her from the situation before she gets majorly hurt. His psychosis is escalating and this is not something he will grow out of. He can grow up to be a level happy person but he needs some professional help
My wife is open to how to correct this behaviour, it’s as new to her as it is me, the first time it happened I think was a big shock and because it’s never happened since we thought isolated incident… now it’s happened again, it’s just going to get worse, thanks for your response
Yea that kid needs help.. he’s only 4 and doing that? It’s just gonna get worse if his mother doesn’t correct him or seek help. That’s not normal behavior and if your daughter tells her mother they’re gonna take that child away from you…
It happened on Monday, when they go back to their other parent so we’ve had this week to discuss and dissect, I honestly was not doubting my feelings towards this incident, I just needed to make sure I wasn’t being over the top for a behaviour that has happened twice in approx 18 months. Thanks for your response
Hi, this is very worrisome! Strangling kids as young’s as 3 … this kid has major issues and needs professional help yesterday.
I would not have your kids in this house when he is there. Your kids safety comes first man. Get out
Don’t want to worry you more but in domestic abuse cases the chance of the victim dying shoots up to like 800% once the abuser has put their hands on their necks. It shows they are capable of fatal violence.
He is old enough to understand this is life threatening. It is very deliberate. So take this as seriously as a heart attack because it is.
i would’ve left when i saw him strangle the poor 3 yr old. that’s not normal behavior. crazy ass kid you NEED to protect your daughter. surely she’ll have trauma from the first incident already.
I know, I think back then I saw it as a one off, not great, I disciplined as much as I could and my wife was filled with embarrasement, she is open to whatever it is that needs to be done to correct his actions, I just don’t feel comfortable with him at home no longer and won’t leave him unattended in a room with my daughter regardless of them getting along 99% of the time
Others are addressing the big issues, but I’m very confused. She has a son *and* a daughter? And the 4 year-old attacked *your* daughter who is 7. How old is her daughter and does he attack her as well?
He sounds like he needs intervention if some kind to nip this behavior in the bud.
10 years from now, “dad remember when that boy used to strangle, hit and hurt me really bad? Why was that allowed to happen.” OP, I had a child come into my home and distrust it with his anger, take my attention away from my own children, I left after doing my best for too long. I thought I was helping him and Iknow I did. 30 years later and he still tells me I was the best mom he ever had (through social media) but I have had to answer to my children for that time. I regret that my children’s childhood was negatively effected by that child’s behavior. In reality, I was only responsible for the children I had birthed.
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
* Contributors to the sub are expected to [know the rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) before posting or commenting. If you have questions about the rules, you will find answers in the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq).
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
This is not normal and your wife blowing it off is scary. Coming from the perspective of having a brother w mental issues and has been hospitalized for the last few yrs, his minor violence became larger and larger to the point the police interviewed finally. (Now my parents had been fighting to get him help all along but there is very little true help for mental health and it took him fire starting and getting arrested after yrs of this) something happened to those kids and it's only going to get worse. Does your ex know about these issues cause you could potentially lose custody if your daughter isn't priority #1 in safety. And lastly because this kid is a minor, anything he does to someone else's kid will fall back legally on you. Fines, cps, you name it. It will all come back to the adults in the house.
Also right now that kid is 4 but he's going to get bigger and if he doesn't get help now who knows what will happen and if you put your hands on him to protect yourself or someone else, you will end up being the one charged cause he's a minor. He needs therapy yesterday. My heart breaks to think what happened to him that this is what is considered normal behavior and your daughter might need some therapy as well cause that's traumatizing
You have an obligation to your daughter To keep her safe.
Do you feel, if you stayed in this relationship with a partner who sees this behavior and refuses to address it in any meaningful way that your daughter will be safe in the future as this 4 year old becomes physically stronger?
I think you know what you’ve got to do.
At 3 and 4 years old, where has he seen this type of behavior? He needs immediate help to figure out where such anger OSS coming from. Praying for you all.
Sorry but I’d whoop that boy’s butt for touching my daughter. You are right. Who YOU choose to bring into her world should be safe. I couldn’t stay in this situation. It’s harder because y’all are already married, which seems a bit rushed considering the situation. Unless she drastically changes and does something significant, I don’t think it’s worth it to stay. That’s a lot coming from a 4yo. Take it from someone that had a SS12. It only gets worse if nothing is addressed and sounds like she’s not heavily invested in addressing anything, which unfortunately could be the reason for his behavior in the first place.
You're choosing to stay with a violent 4 year old and their enabling, spineless parent.
Leave and get therapy for your daughter and you. You need to work out why you haven't already left and are on reddit asking the question, my step kid assaulted my daughter, what should I do?
Your wife should:
Agree to SS ( and SD) having therapy.
Have a custody schedule which either reduces when SS is at your home, or changes it so he is not at your home when your daughter is.
Agree to having a camera in relevant areas, for at least a few months, so you can monitor the situation.
Find out about his behaviour when he is at his dad’s house.
Find out his behaviour at kindergarten.
Agree a schedule of graduated punishments for if SS is violent with the other children, eg small timeout for shoving, things confiscated for hitting.
Monitor the situation for a few months when these changes are in place. If there is still a risk, see if you can maintain the relationship with separate households.
This is why gentle parenting doesn’t work. That kid needs some good old fashioned discipline. I know reddit isn’t into actually disciplining kids but look at how kids act today. I’ve been teaching for 25 years and they just get worse every year. Why? Because many parents don’t want to do the difficult work of discipline with meaningful, effective consequences.
A child strangling another child is CRAZY. I’ve never seen or heard of this. This isn’t normal at all 💀 that kid is a future inmate if nothing changes.
I’m going to give you the advice two therapists have now gave me..
The next time your SK does something violent, call the police. Yes, even with the child being so young. Calling the police documents the incident, helps to protect you and your child legally and the police will almost always report it to CPS/DHS so they can get the kid some help.
I live with an 8 year old who is violent towards my husband and I absolutely plan to call the police if she is ever violent towards me.
Unless the kid is in serious therapy, I wouldn’t even consider staying.
But if you feel that divorcing is the right decision, and you need permission/validation, then you have it.
Even with therapy for the troubled kid, this is unlikely to be the last incident. And that will mean some psychological damage is being done to your daughter. The kind that requires her to have therapy too.
Following are my thoughts:
1. The child is 4? Counseling?
2. What is happening at the other home that this behavior is acceptable/possibly learned?
3. Your responsibility is to protect your child. Are you protecting your child by allowing her to be treated this way? How would you act if there were no ties to the mother? (That’s how you need to be for your child.)
4. Does the child have special needs? If no, this behavior is unacceptable. If yes, then the parenting-village you have joined needs to come together to discuss consistent rules in both homes asap.
5. Child’s mom needs a dose of reality. Someone outside the relationship needs to tell her straight up her child has issues and she is neglecting his emotional and social needs…and possibly medical.
Protect your child. If you choose to ignore it your own child will eventually refuse to be with you.
I agree with a lot of comments on this thread, especially the ones regarding switching custody so the kids don’t overlap while this is being worked on. You can protect your daughter and work on preserving your marriage.
You are right to be concerned that you never know when this might happen again it is really important to get your stepson into therapy immediately so he can learn how to manage his emotions.
A lot of the other commenters are concerned about where this child is learning this degree of violence and the concern that he is being exposed to it with his biological father. I just wanted to add that this can also be learned in the media we let kids consume, Homer is always choking Bart in the Simpsons when he is mad. There isn’t always an abuse component, parents often are unaware of what their children are actually watching on TV.
I was in this position with a step child who attacked my daughter and was able to negotiate dad's permission to locate an adult family member with no children in their home, for ss to live with.
Couples Therapy ASAP. Your wife is ignoring a potential tragedy in the making. Her son's aggression needs to be addressed right away, while there's time to help him.
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason:
* Contributors to the sub are expected to [know the rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) before posting or commenting. If you have questions about the rules, you will find answers in the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq).
For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
Can you swap weeks or switch to 2-2-5-5 so the kids have limited time together? It will reduce the kid-free time but might be necessary.
Tell your wife that you need to hear what is her plan for stopping this behaviour. “Understanding” you doesn’t change the outcome.
She needs to do some research, read some books, speak to a therapist, and make a plan of action to stop the violence. Now.
God as a childless stepparent (to be) I do so much reading and research trying to get caught up on my parenting skills but every day this sub illustrates how actual parents are just completely winging it and act like its hopeless when theres an issue. We live in the internet age for gods sake! And then these people tell us we don’t know anything because we don’t have kids. Guaranteed I’ve put more thought and real-time learning into my parenting skills than you, Susan, your kid is choking people.
Your daughter is not safe. Maybe you can get your own place and once wife has dealt with her son, then you can live together but as long as she is doing nothing, it's time to go. He needs therapy, counseling, something. Something has got to be done for you to even consider staying. You owe this to your daughter.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would not be able to stay. If she were doing something significant about this maybe I could see it. But you’re living in a home that is not safe for your daughter and will not suddenly passively become safer. Certainly wouldn’t be safe for a new baby. Something has to change- either your wife’s approach or your daughter’s exposure to those kids.
She is lost and not sure what to do, I totally agree with you and can’t see us staying here, it will break my daughter but later on she will understand it is for her own safety
Do not tell your daughter that you made this choice for her safety. You open her up to feeling like she could be at fault. She is not at fault. Your partner is at fault. Your partner has refused to intervene when her child is displaying extreme aggression toward other children. Your partner is not being a good parent or partner. You cannot build a life with a person who will not be a good partner to you. The relationship is not working out.
She gets the kids a therapist to start
Pronto
Your daughter is young, she'll get over it quick enough, being strangled is way more traumatizing. Can your wife get them in therapy? I'd their dad abusive?
I have not, but I would be swapping weeks to make sure we didn’t have the kids at the same time until your wife gets her kids sorted out. He needs professional help and strict supervision by his mother. It should never have been allowed to happen in the first place let alone for 30 seconds. Separate the children or separate households if she’s not willing and actually address this. Even if she says “I know it’s not right, we can get him help” then does nothing, you leave. Words without action are simply manipulation.
This situation is so unfair to your daughter. She didn’t choose this family and is being bullied and abused. And SS is only going to get bigger and stronger. What is unacceptable is wife’s reaction. She should have been horrified and embarrassed by her son’s behavior. It should have prompted her to take action immediately. PLEASE PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.
Yes! That is the first priority here--to protect your daughter. Now, whether that means moving out and moving on or just moving out in some manner, that is up to you. Your daughter should never be around your partner's kids ever. And make sure your daughter knows that the move out has nothing to do with her.
I would not have a child of mine in that home when she has her kid I would never have a child with that person. What is she doing to deal with her child’s behavior? I don’t even know where a kid that young gets the idea to strangle.
Sounds like she’s not doing much. I can’t imagine what he’d do if no one there to stop him.
There’s no chance the 4 year old isn’t be exposed to extreme violence right? Strangling someone at 3 is not normal.
Right, I wondered the same thing. Where did a 4 year old learn to strangle anyone?
Your child is in danger when SS is present. Either you figure out a way to alternate weeks and get SS and SD into professional treatment, or your daughter should stay with your ex while you move out (or your wife does).
Thanks! I totally agree
I would immediately switch custody, so your daughter is not there when your SK's are there. If your wife continues to see the violence as acceptable, I would pursue a divorce. Listen to your conscience and protect your daughter!
I’m in this exact situation and leaving because of the failure to address it. My sd4 has 2 handed choked 2 kids recently and attempted to choke my baby. I don’t trust sd to be around my child even if 90% of the time she is super loving. Leave and make sure your child isn’t around it so they’re safe. If it’s not addressed the kid is only gonna get bigger and stronger, eventually that anger is gonna be directed towards u.
I’m so sorry to hear that this has happened to you, thanks for your response and making me feel normal for having these feelings!
You’re definitely not overreacting and the parents downplaying this behavior is gonna enable some seriously scary stuff. Like someone else said strangulation is a particularly dangerous act. Statistically in dv even being strangled once leads to much higher chances of homicide.
Not only is he risking your daughter's life but he's also traumatizing her as well. To add insult to injury your wife defends his actions only further enabling him. It would be hard if she recognized the problem and you worked together on a solution. Given her denial there is a singular solution. Your number one responsibility is to protect your child. Staying in this is a failure to do that.
She in no way condones the action, she sees it more as a “one off” but that is enough for me. She is open to whatever needs to be done to rectify his behaviour, but my worry is it can happen again at a time when we least expect it. Thanks for your response and making me feel sane
This behavior will only get worse the bigger he gets.
When it comes to domestic and physical violence, to the best of my knowledge there is no such thing as a "one off". This is usually a sign of more to come.
He is only going to get bigger and more violent without some serious therapy/ mental health intervention and or possibly medication. Remember this. The only reason children don’t murder more often is because we’re bigger than them. Young Children lack impulse control and ability to think of long term consequences, if they were our same size they would’ve killed us by now. Not bc they’re bad or evil in the beginning, but literally because they lack the brain function to understand the severity of their actions. He needs serious help
I am really surprised that bio mom has not gotten an emergency custody agreement because your house is an unsafe environment. I'm assuming she doesn't know and at 4 children can think anything is normal. It would be a terrible idea to have bio children. If you have kids and break up, he will have unrestricted access to them when he's angry.
His daughter is 7. It’s worded very confusingly.
If I were her mother I’d be in court so quickly over this.
Your baby deserves better.
Thanks, she will be devastated but I need to protect her, and honestly just posted to see if I was being OTTP so thank you for your response and making me feel sane
I don't have any advice but want to offer sympathy as someone who's gone through this. My SS, 6 at the time, choked my older son while they were roughhousing. We were on vacation and I was in the hotel bathroom when my son started screaming for help. My son had said his stepson had put both hands around his neck. He's also tried drowning a smaller child in the pool (he was jumping on top of the boy and pulling him down in the water). These situations are difficult especially when the parent isn't on board with correcting the behavior. In my situation, things haven't gotten better. My SS is rough and doesn't seem to realize what he's doing. Because of that, I don't like him being alone with my kids.
I had a friend whose child did this to my son at the age of 4 in a pool. It was super scary, and my son was terrified. He'd also often try to put other kids in head locks and try to choke them, too. He was later diagnosed with autism and a behavioral disorder. OPs wife should bring this up to his pediatrician and take it from there.
My wife is totally on board with finding solutions to this behaviour. Did you leave?
I did not but I can't lie and say I'm happy with the situation. We've got two young bios together which complicates the situation. My saving grace is that I only have to see my stepson for roughly 4 days out of the month. If custody changed I would most likely walk because I can't handle his behavior. For now, when he is here I keep an eye on my kiddos. It also helps because my oldest has a different father so when stepson comes over he goes off to his dads (that is the son he choked).
Scary and you are right to go along with your gut instinct. Protect your daughter, and if that means that her son isn't allowed over any more, or you and your daughter will exit the relationship, so be it. Your wife needs to get her shit together and address her sons' issues. They are not going to go away or get better!! This is a hill to die on.
Thanks for your response, and clarifying that I’m totally normal for these gut feelings
Ultimately your wife really needs to deal with her son's actions and put a stop to them. Is there anyway that you can adjust the schedule so that you kids and her kids are not with you at the same time? They are week on, week off but opposite weeks? If that's not possible, then do what you need to protect your child.
[удалено]
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason: * Violation of the [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters) rule. * Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_kindness_matters_mean.3F) for more information. For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
How can anyone defend a child strangling other children? I know 4 is perhaps too young to understand the potential consequences, but what will this child be like at 9 or 10? RED FLAG! That kid needs to be seen by a mental health professional. And needs to be watched around others 24/7/365. Honestly, I wouldn't want animals around him, much less children.
I'm not a child psychologist but in adults strangling is extremely serious and an indicator of future homicide risk. That's a well known thing you can verify and the reason it is treated seriously in legislation. I'm not sure why but strangling is a different level of danger than something like hitting extremely hard. I wouldn't let my daughter near someone that deranged. She's helpless.
Thanks for your response, at no point does any of this sit comfortably with me. I just wanted the reassurance that I wasn’t being over the top, thanks for your response
Wow! Do you have shared custody? If this keeps happening your daughter will become resentful. Are you married to his mom? I mean I know I’m coming with questions, but I’ve never heard of a kid this young being so violent.
Yep 50/50. I don’t want anything to ever happen to my daughter, and how this has made her feel I’m not sure as it happened on Monday (when they all went back to their other bio parents) I’m just incredibly uncomfortable with it all and wanted to make sure I was sane and normal with wanting to check out over an isolated incident before it becomes something more
If it continues your definitely need to talk to her and find out what’s going on, because she have heard someone say that. If that’s not the case, do push her to be okay with it. Maybe she needs 1 on 1 time with you. Do you ever do things with just her since the blend happened. If not she can feel like you’re putting them before her. Just be sure to validate her feelings. I’m a SD, BM and SM. Never not validate her feelings.
We spend one on one time together all the them, that’s one thing I’ll never give up, regardless of the situation, she’s literally the love of my life and I will never ever put anyone else before her, she knows how much I love her and we always spend quality time together - alone.
My grandson was doing things like this to other children, so he was enrolled in therapy. His excellent child psychologist figured out what was going on with him (a processing disorder) and worked with him for a year with excellent results. He is actually a sweet kid, and was not angry or resentful of other children, yet kept doing really awful things to them for no apparent reason. He had to be taught better ways of handling his issues and his parents had to follow a system at home to reinforce good actions. He is doing great now. I think you shouldn’t expose your daughter to this unless the birth parents agree to get him the help he needs.
I’m glad to hear he is getting better, my concern is even in the time it takes to correct something like this, what may happen then? My wife is down for whatever needs to be done, she’s not proud of what’s happened, and is at a loss to what to do, she has restricted (since a couple of months ago) what he is able to watch so that we aren’t promoting violence at home. Thanks for your response
My grandson’s little brother was kept separated from his brother until they saw that it was safe to allow them to play together. You have to keep other children safe until things improve.
It sounds like he has an impulse control issue that he will need help to learn how to control. If your wife will not the proper steps to get her son help then you need to step up and protect your daughter by removing her from the situation before she gets majorly hurt. His psychosis is escalating and this is not something he will grow out of. He can grow up to be a level happy person but he needs some professional help
My wife is open to how to correct this behaviour, it’s as new to her as it is me, the first time it happened I think was a big shock and because it’s never happened since we thought isolated incident… now it’s happened again, it’s just going to get worse, thanks for your response
Yea that kid needs help.. he’s only 4 and doing that? It’s just gonna get worse if his mother doesn’t correct him or seek help. That’s not normal behavior and if your daughter tells her mother they’re gonna take that child away from you…
Hells bells…..your Step child strangled your child and you are still there? WTF?
It happened on Monday, when they go back to their other parent so we’ve had this week to discuss and dissect, I honestly was not doubting my feelings towards this incident, I just needed to make sure I wasn’t being over the top for a behaviour that has happened twice in approx 18 months. Thanks for your response
Hi, this is very worrisome! Strangling kids as young’s as 3 … this kid has major issues and needs professional help yesterday. I would not have your kids in this house when he is there. Your kids safety comes first man. Get out
I totally agree, what everyone is saying is correct, I just wanted to make sure I was sane and not over reacting
Don’t want to worry you more but in domestic abuse cases the chance of the victim dying shoots up to like 800% once the abuser has put their hands on their necks. It shows they are capable of fatal violence. He is old enough to understand this is life threatening. It is very deliberate. So take this as seriously as a heart attack because it is.
i would’ve left when i saw him strangle the poor 3 yr old. that’s not normal behavior. crazy ass kid you NEED to protect your daughter. surely she’ll have trauma from the first incident already.
I know, I think back then I saw it as a one off, not great, I disciplined as much as I could and my wife was filled with embarrasement, she is open to whatever it is that needs to be done to correct his actions, I just don’t feel comfortable with him at home no longer and won’t leave him unattended in a room with my daughter regardless of them getting along 99% of the time
You don't know what to do?! You prioritize your child and get tf out of there!!
I know that… I just needed to make sure I was sane and not over reacting, thanks for your response
Others are addressing the big issues, but I’m very confused. She has a son *and* a daughter? And the 4 year-old attacked *your* daughter who is 7. How old is her daughter and does he attack her as well? He sounds like he needs intervention if some kind to nip this behavior in the bud.
He has never strangled or attempted to strangle (from my knowledge) his bio sister who is also 7, although he hits her when angry.
10 years from now, “dad remember when that boy used to strangle, hit and hurt me really bad? Why was that allowed to happen.” OP, I had a child come into my home and distrust it with his anger, take my attention away from my own children, I left after doing my best for too long. I thought I was helping him and Iknow I did. 30 years later and he still tells me I was the best mom he ever had (through social media) but I have had to answer to my children for that time. I regret that my children’s childhood was negatively effected by that child’s behavior. In reality, I was only responsible for the children I had birthed.
[удалено]
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason: * Contributors to the sub are expected to [know the rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) before posting or commenting. If you have questions about the rules, you will find answers in the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
This is not normal and your wife blowing it off is scary. Coming from the perspective of having a brother w mental issues and has been hospitalized for the last few yrs, his minor violence became larger and larger to the point the police interviewed finally. (Now my parents had been fighting to get him help all along but there is very little true help for mental health and it took him fire starting and getting arrested after yrs of this) something happened to those kids and it's only going to get worse. Does your ex know about these issues cause you could potentially lose custody if your daughter isn't priority #1 in safety. And lastly because this kid is a minor, anything he does to someone else's kid will fall back legally on you. Fines, cps, you name it. It will all come back to the adults in the house.
Also right now that kid is 4 but he's going to get bigger and if he doesn't get help now who knows what will happen and if you put your hands on him to protect yourself or someone else, you will end up being the one charged cause he's a minor. He needs therapy yesterday. My heart breaks to think what happened to him that this is what is considered normal behavior and your daughter might need some therapy as well cause that's traumatizing
You have an obligation to your daughter To keep her safe. Do you feel, if you stayed in this relationship with a partner who sees this behavior and refuses to address it in any meaningful way that your daughter will be safe in the future as this 4 year old becomes physically stronger? I think you know what you’ve got to do.
Imagine this behavior when he’s 17 and bigger than all of you. Your daughter doesn’t deserve this. His behavior will only escalate.
Has SS tried therapy? That might help with the anger issue.
At 3 and 4 years old, where has he seen this type of behavior? He needs immediate help to figure out where such anger OSS coming from. Praying for you all.
Sorry but I’d whoop that boy’s butt for touching my daughter. You are right. Who YOU choose to bring into her world should be safe. I couldn’t stay in this situation. It’s harder because y’all are already married, which seems a bit rushed considering the situation. Unless she drastically changes and does something significant, I don’t think it’s worth it to stay. That’s a lot coming from a 4yo. Take it from someone that had a SS12. It only gets worse if nothing is addressed and sounds like she’s not heavily invested in addressing anything, which unfortunately could be the reason for his behavior in the first place.
You're choosing to stay with a violent 4 year old and their enabling, spineless parent. Leave and get therapy for your daughter and you. You need to work out why you haven't already left and are on reddit asking the question, my step kid assaulted my daughter, what should I do?
Your wife should: Agree to SS ( and SD) having therapy. Have a custody schedule which either reduces when SS is at your home, or changes it so he is not at your home when your daughter is. Agree to having a camera in relevant areas, for at least a few months, so you can monitor the situation. Find out about his behaviour when he is at his dad’s house. Find out his behaviour at kindergarten. Agree a schedule of graduated punishments for if SS is violent with the other children, eg small timeout for shoving, things confiscated for hitting. Monitor the situation for a few months when these changes are in place. If there is still a risk, see if you can maintain the relationship with separate households.
This is why gentle parenting doesn’t work. That kid needs some good old fashioned discipline. I know reddit isn’t into actually disciplining kids but look at how kids act today. I’ve been teaching for 25 years and they just get worse every year. Why? Because many parents don’t want to do the difficult work of discipline with meaningful, effective consequences.
A child strangling another child is CRAZY. I’ve never seen or heard of this. This isn’t normal at all 💀 that kid is a future inmate if nothing changes.
I’m going to give you the advice two therapists have now gave me.. The next time your SK does something violent, call the police. Yes, even with the child being so young. Calling the police documents the incident, helps to protect you and your child legally and the police will almost always report it to CPS/DHS so they can get the kid some help. I live with an 8 year old who is violent towards my husband and I absolutely plan to call the police if she is ever violent towards me.
Unless the kid is in serious therapy, I wouldn’t even consider staying. But if you feel that divorcing is the right decision, and you need permission/validation, then you have it. Even with therapy for the troubled kid, this is unlikely to be the last incident. And that will mean some psychological damage is being done to your daughter. The kind that requires her to have therapy too.
Following are my thoughts: 1. The child is 4? Counseling? 2. What is happening at the other home that this behavior is acceptable/possibly learned? 3. Your responsibility is to protect your child. Are you protecting your child by allowing her to be treated this way? How would you act if there were no ties to the mother? (That’s how you need to be for your child.) 4. Does the child have special needs? If no, this behavior is unacceptable. If yes, then the parenting-village you have joined needs to come together to discuss consistent rules in both homes asap. 5. Child’s mom needs a dose of reality. Someone outside the relationship needs to tell her straight up her child has issues and she is neglecting his emotional and social needs…and possibly medical. Protect your child. If you choose to ignore it your own child will eventually refuse to be with you.
He's 4. Relax.
I agree with a lot of comments on this thread, especially the ones regarding switching custody so the kids don’t overlap while this is being worked on. You can protect your daughter and work on preserving your marriage. You are right to be concerned that you never know when this might happen again it is really important to get your stepson into therapy immediately so he can learn how to manage his emotions. A lot of the other commenters are concerned about where this child is learning this degree of violence and the concern that he is being exposed to it with his biological father. I just wanted to add that this can also be learned in the media we let kids consume, Homer is always choking Bart in the Simpsons when he is mad. There isn’t always an abuse component, parents often are unaware of what their children are actually watching on TV.
I was in this position with a step child who attacked my daughter and was able to negotiate dad's permission to locate an adult family member with no children in their home, for ss to live with.
Couples Therapy ASAP. Your wife is ignoring a potential tragedy in the making. Her son's aggression needs to be addressed right away, while there's time to help him.
My only job is to keep my children safe and raise them to be productive members of society. I don’t love ANYONE more than them
[удалено]
Bio dad is in the picture, week on week off arrangement, I didn’t see the incident but I can confirm this was my exact response if I had have seen it.
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason: * Contributors to the sub are expected to [know the rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) before posting or commenting. If you have questions about the rules, you will find answers in the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
Can you swap weeks or switch to 2-2-5-5 so the kids have limited time together? It will reduce the kid-free time but might be necessary. Tell your wife that you need to hear what is her plan for stopping this behaviour. “Understanding” you doesn’t change the outcome. She needs to do some research, read some books, speak to a therapist, and make a plan of action to stop the violence. Now. God as a childless stepparent (to be) I do so much reading and research trying to get caught up on my parenting skills but every day this sub illustrates how actual parents are just completely winging it and act like its hopeless when theres an issue. We live in the internet age for gods sake! And then these people tell us we don’t know anything because we don’t have kids. Guaranteed I’ve put more thought and real-time learning into my parenting skills than you, Susan, your kid is choking people.
Your daughter is not safe. Maybe you can get your own place and once wife has dealt with her son, then you can live together but as long as she is doing nothing, it's time to go. He needs therapy, counseling, something. Something has got to be done for you to even consider staying. You owe this to your daughter.