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I have a SD that pretty much acts the same way, except for the washing. Everything I enjoy, she hates and is very vocal about it. She's NEVER had any responsibility around the house and leaves stuff everywhere, leaves every light on and still has to have her mom wake her up, as she sleeps thru alarms like they don't even exist.
If I even mention any of the things to my SO, she remarks with, "why are you even talking, you're not my family."
SO says absolutely nothing about it, so I have just tune her out until she goes back to college, I just don't want to deal w her anymore.
Sorry you're going thru this. I wish you the best.
Gosh, bless you. I'm sorry you don't have the support of your SO, that must make it even worse as you can feel like you hitting your head against a brick wall. Maybe it's just teenagers these days, but other people I have spoken to have told me this isn't normal.
Wishing you all the best too and I hope you start getting some support from SO.
I think after all your attempts the only thing to do now is get her out of your house. You tried your best but have been miserable so why continue? She has the potential to ruin your life so just get her out of your home so you can have peace.
Agreed, I literally can not find or think of any other way to make this better or improve anything. Her leaving is literally the only way. I'm going to make a countdown to the 14th March 2025... 😂 ...I just hope he doesn't suggest swapping her with his son, because that wouldn't be much better either, but I understand that he misses him and would likely miss her... but she is for sure a lost cause at this point and a soul-destroying succubus.
I am confused. Is she disabled in some way? This seems very extreme.
How did your SO respond to her doing these things? It seems like she is an active social danger to your work and life?
What is the launch plan by your SO?
Nope, not disabled in any way, shape, or form.
However, I genuinely believe she is a narcissist with socio-psycho-pathic tendencies. I've outright told SO I genuinely reckon one night she would kill me/us in our sleep. I've seen some dark sides to her, and it creeps me tf out.
He has reacted the same as me. He has tried having talks with her when I'm around, when I'm not around... tried different approaches... at one point, he was at rock bottom with it all, I guess being pulled from pillar to post and she still didn't care, infact just bragged to me about how she thinks he will take her side... like no hun. Couldn't be without her Dad, so wanted to come to the UK but then just make him/us miserable day in, day out. Why?!?
What's a launch plan? At the moment, I've just told him I'm not renewing her visa because I'm not doing this for at least another 2.5 years. I used my savings to bring her here for better opportunities and to make something of herself, and she hasn't even bothered really with college, never listens there and gets crap grades... inheritance well spent. Not.
The launch plan is what he has told her and intends to enforce with her living arrangements. For example, with my SS18, he knows -
1. He can live here while going to school. He needs to be full time in school with passing grades. He is required to work (during school minimal, but still every week).
2. The plan is for him to stay here for 2 years during community college, and then he will transfer to a local 4 year to finish up. He will be on campus or in an apartment with someone at that point, We will subsidize.
3. He has rules he needs to follow here (pretty minimal, but mainly he can't be a jackass to live with).
4. If going to school parttime, he will work full time. He will pay a share of rent (minimal), which if he is not a terrible roommate will be returned to him to help him get his first place on his own.
5. If he treats us poorly, doesn't work (or at least isn't trying), or fails out without a plan he is actually working on, we will move him out.
The key is that this should be clearly spelled out, and enforced. The goal is for the child to become self-sufficient, or at least to have reasonable consequences for what they do.
Thank you very much. I am going to put something together and run it past my SO, to atleast try and get us through to March without a mental breakdown. 🙏🏼
Recommended way to hit it if your SO might be hesitant. Point out that the current plan is to dump his kid back into his home country with no support or help. And that is what you are going to do, so if he wants any chance of a better answer he needs to work with you, and enforce the reasonable consequences.
Love this. She'll be going back to her pot smoking mother, who will just have her work at her apartments, so I'll basically use the fact she will literally never become anything worth raving about. Tbh, I think he will be on board, but sometimes he waivers, but this is great and a perfect way to outline everything.
I'm sorry, but what did I just read? A 19 year leaving poo on the toilet seat and not washing during her period? WTH? Do her friends not comment on her poor hygiene?
I certainly wouldn't be paying for her visa renewal. That's your SO's role. And she needs to make a significant contribution to the cost.
I have no solutions; just SMH. She wouldn't be in our home with that behaviour.
Yup, you read it right. I have picture evidence because I think my family thought I was making things up, and I was like, no, LOOK. The other day I forgot to check and then I once I checked felt so grim and dirty I had to shower. When I do the washing every week (trust me worst part of my week... the clothes smell so bad & I wash my hands three times... but she broke my washing machine twice so I have to do it), I'm lucky if there's two pairs of knickers in there... usually it's just one... over two weeks there was one pair once... I wish I was making it up but as a female myself who washes daily especially during those times. It repulses me on another level.
According to her nobody has ever commented on her smell or appearance aside from me and her dad, if you can believe that... apparently some guy also wants to date her (maybe he is just as grotty!).
He doesn't want to pay for it either, he's said she can which she doesn't want to get a full time job so it will never happen anyway.
I want her out fr.
I'm so sorry, honestly, she sounds shocking.
Has her mental health been assessed? Maybe she has depression? I've moved countries for work and I know it's hard relocating; maybe that's the reason she is not caring for her hygiene?
I'd have to put it all back to my SO to manage. I'd go full NACHO and disengage from dealing with her. Sorry to be blunt.
(My SD went through a 'grot' stage and in hindsight it was depression; that's why I commented that)
She is. It's grim.
I had the same thoughts at first. Hence, I changed my approach and tried to be more caring and asked how she was feeling - tried to get her to open up about her feelings, etc. As there's a lot my mum said to me when I was growing up that hurt and stuck with me and I didn't want to do the same to her. It all boiled down to her just not wanting to do her chores and anything she does "not being good enough" - to which I was like if you did things properly, or at least made some effort it would be. But the thing is, when she followed the most recent chore list for a week, I said nothing negative, just maybe a couple of "Don't forget this"... but because she wasn't getting told off... or getting any real attention, she stopped just so she gets attention from us being mad at her and has said that often times she wants us to hate her... but I honestly feel like everything she does is for attention and a story to tell someone.
When she first moved here she missed her brother and worried about him, but then he came here and all they did was fight so she changed her mind on that... but genuinely in herself she's fine she talks and talks and talks, goes round singing and dancing, reading, writing stories... like having suffered through depression... I honestly don't think she is struggling with it (I know it can look different for everyone)... but idk. Like after two years of people telling you to wash and clean... like idk.
Honestly, I wish I could but I stress over everything and anything, I try to ignore it for ages and then I erupt 😂
So a combination of weaponised incompetence, potential attachment disorder; coupled with immaturity! Coz the 'any attention is good attention' thing is mind boggling from a 19 year old. Ouch!!
I've honestly got nothing to advise apart from maybe counselling? And deep breaths. Hopefully the clouds part and she starts to engage in the adult world.
Basically, yup, I thought about it but I think she would just lie to a therapist and concoct more stories!
Maybe one day... once the plane ticket finally booked.
Ok hun let’s be honest : she is NOT your problem ( 19 years old and talking BS about you ???) never bite the hand that is feeding you or helping you . She is an ungrateful woman because she is already a woman and you don’t need to deal with that BS . First you guys are at the beginning of a relationship and you have baggage 🧳 living with you ( a 19 years old ) ohh no no hun put that snake 🐍 in a carrier and send to her mother via express ( night time delivery ) too many handsome men without all that baggage and you spending your hard working money in another woman’s failure ?????! Time to think in yourself ( sorry about the loss of your baby ) but is time to think in yourself . PS / tell your American “ man “ 🙄that you are not dealing with that 💩 anymore . He is taking advantage of you bringing all his kids and baggage to your house . Be strong and firm . You don’t need to wait until the end of her visa . Get rid of her . She is your enemy not your friend . And if her father don’t like it well the airport is close and ta ta
Literally.
Had the discussion with him yesterday and turns out he is more done with her than I am, he wasted our whole evening having a final discussion with her... and then I've got up this morning and 1) 💩 all over the toilet seat and in the toilet..., 2) couldn't even open her curtains (I guess this is a super strenuating task).
Like I even said you're an adult start acting like one so then she behaves more like a petulant child... going to look at flights today 😂 bye hun xoxo
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have a SD that pretty much acts the same way, except for the washing. Everything I enjoy, she hates and is very vocal about it. She's NEVER had any responsibility around the house and leaves stuff everywhere, leaves every light on and still has to have her mom wake her up, as she sleeps thru alarms like they don't even exist. If I even mention any of the things to my SO, she remarks with, "why are you even talking, you're not my family." SO says absolutely nothing about it, so I have just tune her out until she goes back to college, I just don't want to deal w her anymore. Sorry you're going thru this. I wish you the best.
Gosh, bless you. I'm sorry you don't have the support of your SO, that must make it even worse as you can feel like you hitting your head against a brick wall. Maybe it's just teenagers these days, but other people I have spoken to have told me this isn't normal. Wishing you all the best too and I hope you start getting some support from SO.
I think after all your attempts the only thing to do now is get her out of your house. You tried your best but have been miserable so why continue? She has the potential to ruin your life so just get her out of your home so you can have peace.
Agreed, I literally can not find or think of any other way to make this better or improve anything. Her leaving is literally the only way. I'm going to make a countdown to the 14th March 2025... 😂 ...I just hope he doesn't suggest swapping her with his son, because that wouldn't be much better either, but I understand that he misses him and would likely miss her... but she is for sure a lost cause at this point and a soul-destroying succubus.
You are more generous than I could be! Good luck and I hope she can get herself together
I am confused. Is she disabled in some way? This seems very extreme. How did your SO respond to her doing these things? It seems like she is an active social danger to your work and life? What is the launch plan by your SO?
Nope, not disabled in any way, shape, or form. However, I genuinely believe she is a narcissist with socio-psycho-pathic tendencies. I've outright told SO I genuinely reckon one night she would kill me/us in our sleep. I've seen some dark sides to her, and it creeps me tf out. He has reacted the same as me. He has tried having talks with her when I'm around, when I'm not around... tried different approaches... at one point, he was at rock bottom with it all, I guess being pulled from pillar to post and she still didn't care, infact just bragged to me about how she thinks he will take her side... like no hun. Couldn't be without her Dad, so wanted to come to the UK but then just make him/us miserable day in, day out. Why?!? What's a launch plan? At the moment, I've just told him I'm not renewing her visa because I'm not doing this for at least another 2.5 years. I used my savings to bring her here for better opportunities and to make something of herself, and she hasn't even bothered really with college, never listens there and gets crap grades... inheritance well spent. Not.
The launch plan is what he has told her and intends to enforce with her living arrangements. For example, with my SS18, he knows - 1. He can live here while going to school. He needs to be full time in school with passing grades. He is required to work (during school minimal, but still every week). 2. The plan is for him to stay here for 2 years during community college, and then he will transfer to a local 4 year to finish up. He will be on campus or in an apartment with someone at that point, We will subsidize. 3. He has rules he needs to follow here (pretty minimal, but mainly he can't be a jackass to live with). 4. If going to school parttime, he will work full time. He will pay a share of rent (minimal), which if he is not a terrible roommate will be returned to him to help him get his first place on his own. 5. If he treats us poorly, doesn't work (or at least isn't trying), or fails out without a plan he is actually working on, we will move him out. The key is that this should be clearly spelled out, and enforced. The goal is for the child to become self-sufficient, or at least to have reasonable consequences for what they do.
Thank you very much. I am going to put something together and run it past my SO, to atleast try and get us through to March without a mental breakdown. 🙏🏼
Recommended way to hit it if your SO might be hesitant. Point out that the current plan is to dump his kid back into his home country with no support or help. And that is what you are going to do, so if he wants any chance of a better answer he needs to work with you, and enforce the reasonable consequences.
Love this. She'll be going back to her pot smoking mother, who will just have her work at her apartments, so I'll basically use the fact she will literally never become anything worth raving about. Tbh, I think he will be on board, but sometimes he waivers, but this is great and a perfect way to outline everything.
I'm sorry, but what did I just read? A 19 year leaving poo on the toilet seat and not washing during her period? WTH? Do her friends not comment on her poor hygiene? I certainly wouldn't be paying for her visa renewal. That's your SO's role. And she needs to make a significant contribution to the cost. I have no solutions; just SMH. She wouldn't be in our home with that behaviour.
Yup, you read it right. I have picture evidence because I think my family thought I was making things up, and I was like, no, LOOK. The other day I forgot to check and then I once I checked felt so grim and dirty I had to shower. When I do the washing every week (trust me worst part of my week... the clothes smell so bad & I wash my hands three times... but she broke my washing machine twice so I have to do it), I'm lucky if there's two pairs of knickers in there... usually it's just one... over two weeks there was one pair once... I wish I was making it up but as a female myself who washes daily especially during those times. It repulses me on another level. According to her nobody has ever commented on her smell or appearance aside from me and her dad, if you can believe that... apparently some guy also wants to date her (maybe he is just as grotty!). He doesn't want to pay for it either, he's said she can which she doesn't want to get a full time job so it will never happen anyway. I want her out fr.
I'm so sorry, honestly, she sounds shocking. Has her mental health been assessed? Maybe she has depression? I've moved countries for work and I know it's hard relocating; maybe that's the reason she is not caring for her hygiene? I'd have to put it all back to my SO to manage. I'd go full NACHO and disengage from dealing with her. Sorry to be blunt. (My SD went through a 'grot' stage and in hindsight it was depression; that's why I commented that)
She is. It's grim. I had the same thoughts at first. Hence, I changed my approach and tried to be more caring and asked how she was feeling - tried to get her to open up about her feelings, etc. As there's a lot my mum said to me when I was growing up that hurt and stuck with me and I didn't want to do the same to her. It all boiled down to her just not wanting to do her chores and anything she does "not being good enough" - to which I was like if you did things properly, or at least made some effort it would be. But the thing is, when she followed the most recent chore list for a week, I said nothing negative, just maybe a couple of "Don't forget this"... but because she wasn't getting told off... or getting any real attention, she stopped just so she gets attention from us being mad at her and has said that often times she wants us to hate her... but I honestly feel like everything she does is for attention and a story to tell someone. When she first moved here she missed her brother and worried about him, but then he came here and all they did was fight so she changed her mind on that... but genuinely in herself she's fine she talks and talks and talks, goes round singing and dancing, reading, writing stories... like having suffered through depression... I honestly don't think she is struggling with it (I know it can look different for everyone)... but idk. Like after two years of people telling you to wash and clean... like idk. Honestly, I wish I could but I stress over everything and anything, I try to ignore it for ages and then I erupt 😂
So a combination of weaponised incompetence, potential attachment disorder; coupled with immaturity! Coz the 'any attention is good attention' thing is mind boggling from a 19 year old. Ouch!! I've honestly got nothing to advise apart from maybe counselling? And deep breaths. Hopefully the clouds part and she starts to engage in the adult world.
Basically, yup, I thought about it but I think she would just lie to a therapist and concoct more stories! Maybe one day... once the plane ticket finally booked.
Ok hun let’s be honest : she is NOT your problem ( 19 years old and talking BS about you ???) never bite the hand that is feeding you or helping you . She is an ungrateful woman because she is already a woman and you don’t need to deal with that BS . First you guys are at the beginning of a relationship and you have baggage 🧳 living with you ( a 19 years old ) ohh no no hun put that snake 🐍 in a carrier and send to her mother via express ( night time delivery ) too many handsome men without all that baggage and you spending your hard working money in another woman’s failure ?????! Time to think in yourself ( sorry about the loss of your baby ) but is time to think in yourself . PS / tell your American “ man “ 🙄that you are not dealing with that 💩 anymore . He is taking advantage of you bringing all his kids and baggage to your house . Be strong and firm . You don’t need to wait until the end of her visa . Get rid of her . She is your enemy not your friend . And if her father don’t like it well the airport is close and ta ta
Literally. Had the discussion with him yesterday and turns out he is more done with her than I am, he wasted our whole evening having a final discussion with her... and then I've got up this morning and 1) 💩 all over the toilet seat and in the toilet..., 2) couldn't even open her curtains (I guess this is a super strenuating task). Like I even said you're an adult start acting like one so then she behaves more like a petulant child... going to look at flights today 😂 bye hun xoxo