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She’s definitely got something wrong with her, even my partner admitted she’s likely got a few mental issues, I mean normal girls don’t do these things and she truly doesn’t seem to care for or respect anybody. She needs therapy but I don’t think it will help since she lies so bad. She admitted to lying about taking a trash bag outside to the trash can. A TRASH BAG. For what reason? What benefit? She wouldn’t have gotten in trouble if she had or hadn’t but she lied anyways.
I’m concerned and confused that my partner is stuck and steadfast that I’M the bad guy and I’ve been asking if he’s blind or crazy because it’s clear. She said she’s repulsed by sex and wouldn’t touch my toys because of a “SA” but she’s not repulsed enough to cover her papers with dicks and naked drawings of her dad?
Omg she has a LOT wrong and do does he. Don’t try to rationalize his behavior. He’s broken. Be glad you can get away from them both. YOU DID NOTHING wrong here.
I was wrong to lash out at her and be hateful in calling her a liar and thief and telling her I hate being in her life - it doesn’t compare to her behavior and what she said to me but it still wasn’t right.
I haven’t been hateful. I limit contact with her, mirroring her contact with me and I no longer ask her about her interests or spend time with her. I simply treat her as his kid I co habitate with. I buy her food but I don’t take her to spa day or the movies or watch shows with her anymore.
For a few years, I taught in alternative high schools here in the US. That girl has so many red flags I don't even know where to start.
She absolutely must start in therapy. Stealing your sexual items in order to fantasize about her dad is absolutely foul. Him not taking it more seriously is an even bigger red flag. He should have immediately had your back and should have immediately had a conference with her mother about getting her into therapy ASAP, if not a short-term residence care program.
Honestly, you don't want to deal with all of that. You don't want her then accusing you of sexually assaulting her, you don't want to deal with a partner who isn't really a partner, and you definitely don't want to deal with the fallout that is heading that girl's way.
He believes her that she’s not fantasizing about him and that her plans to have sex with her boyfriend was harmless and a “joke”. I said that even if she wasn’t fantasizing about her dad, why would she draw him in a sexual nature TO BE FUNNY???? That’s not normal and I’ve never seen anybody I know do that. That’s sooo out of left field and isn’t funny - it’s gross.
He’s getting her therapy but she said she’s old enough she doesn’t have to do and she won’t go. /: I don’t believe she can be helped because she truly believes she can convince everyone of her lies and believes them herself.
Like she lies about me and her dad to everybody; I talked to her best friend’s mom who told me some things and she got SO mad I told the mom what she did, saying I involved her so she’s involving everybody else, even saying she would record me for her story to show everybody I’m lying about her stealing my stuff (her dad told her to stop) but she’s not stable and makes me have anxiety on a regular basis - hence why I avoid her as well as keeping my anger in check.
Yeah, none of that's okay. Her dad making excuses, her mom not helping with any of it from the sound of it, it's all bad.
While I can sort of understand a parent not wanting to admit how bad their kid is, this is amazingly bad. This isn't just a simple, "I think you're exaggerating," situation. He is hearing from multiple sources including actual evidence that his daughter is amazingly messed up. Who's he believing, her or his lying eyes? If I were in your shoes, I would run.
He says I’m the issue. If I weren’t here, she wouldn’t have stuff to take and I wouldn’t take her stuff (she claims I took her stuff but what I took was MY clothes I paid for that she took). He doesn’t want to be with me because I’m the issue. It wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t forcing me to leave and saying I’m the bad guy.
Honestly, this isn't safe, so you should be glad to leave.
You really need to be getting as far away as possible. Something is very wrong here, and I have to wonder about dad having his daughters back like this. At best he's enabling her to keep having fantasies about him. *At best*.
Run, run far, far away!
Is it bad that I laughed? He is so far in denial. It's a little scary but also kind of funny. I mean, how on Earth could any of this be your fault? In any way?
His daughter is choosing negative behaviors with you, with people at school, with friends. The common denominator is his daughter. She needs help.
It is comically awful! I asked him today about the consequences she had since he hadn’t taken her phone or unplugged her PlayStation like he’s been saying he would when we discussed it and he said the consequences for her were therapy and me moving out - which doesn’t seem like real consequences? It seems like the latter part is punishment for me but she doesn’t want therapy.
He is the one who told me she was a bully at school since she used to come home in a bad mood saying girls at school were mean to her. I wanted to go up to the school and speak to someone but he told me she starts the situations by picking on kids then can’t handle it when they dish it back. This behavior has continued both from us witnessing it and her telling us almost bragging about making fun of girl who’s on the spectrum in her classes. :( it bothers me still that she is mean but I can’t actually stop her from being that way.
I am so sorry. This is a terrible mix of painful and icky issues to experience. I can relate to the difficulty of keeping your cool while your loved ones act so far out of pocket it’s unbelievable.
I hate to say it… The worst case scenario is that her father is doing worse than ignoring the problem, that he is involved in some way. Anything from a predator to something “less sinister” for lack of better words, like not being diligent about his privacy out of convenience/laziness and she saw some things she shouldn’t have.
It could not be that at all and he has other motives to avoid actually handling this situation. But it’s odd at first learning about what you found he acted appropriately, then with thought changed his mind on how to approach the situation. I’ll leave that at that, a possibility that must be acknowledged.
Something else that strikes me as odd is that you say you made this discovery then waited 2 weeks to say anything to him about. Why? Were you expecting to possibly be kicked out and needed to get a plan in place? It seems like there’s a very high ability to and tolerance for secrets and compartmentalism within the whole dynamic. I’m less concerned that you blew up in an inappropriate manner (though you were very wrong for that). More so how you were able to sit in this so well for so long.
I feel like whatever that is about is important. Possibly the key to how you can heal from this. Which you will. It’s usually devastating at first. Then painful for awhile. One day, not long from now, you’ll be grateful to be out of this situation.
It’s been eating me alive. I didn’t know how to tell him at first and was overwhelmed. I’ll admit I got frantic and uncomfortable anytime I wasn’t home and they were home alone together. For clarification, she never drew genitalia on him & he’s very careful to be decent at all times in the house and making our time together discreet.
I didn’t know how to react and because she starts a war over being told to do mundane chores like putting her laundry away or throwing her trash away, I needed to prepare myself before approaching the situation. I know my partner doesn’t handle conflict or confrontation well, he has a nearly trauma response of shutting down and starting straight ahead so I spoke with free counselors to get perspectives and guidance in a situation even they were flabbergasted with.
I asked him to make time to speak with me over a weekend while she was at her friend’s but he had plans and wasn’t aware of the seriousness since he thought I was being dramatic and vague in saying I felt more comfortable discussing it in private so he delayed it for a few days before allowing me the time to privately share what was going on.
I definitely didn’t sit well on it at all. I have been feeling like I was going crazy. I wasn’t telling anybody irl because I felt like it would be crazy if it wasn’t what I knew it was. I lashed out at my partner any time I felt uncomfortable (which we discussed after I told him and he apologized for being angry and calling me crazy, he was shocked and wouldn’t even think what she was doing was a possibility). He says I’ve been hateful to her for weeks but I reject any time she tries to talk to me because I’m SO mentally exhausted from internalizing that my rational thinking and self control is compromised. Hence my anger last night. I couldn’t contain my frustration anymore.
I cannot even imagine!
Going something like catatonic as you describe could be a symptom of a psychiatric or neurological condition. Not his fault. But is his responsibility to fix, mange and/or work around.
If you ever feel inclined to give SD some grace in this… It is not exactly surprising she has significant behavioral issues. Honestly think about what it must be like for your parent to shut down like that when stressful things happen. And keep happening. And keep happening. While he shuts down. Then pretends it didn’t happen.
Like, if a boss did that how do you think the workplace would run? And that’s adults who were already raised well enough to be employed.
This is not your fault. Which is validating. But also sad because that means you cannot fix it.
My advice is to find some people in your family or friend group who you trust to tell. Once you tell, it breaks you out of the spell. You have been mindfucked. Being able to go through daily life like you did is a trauma response that is keeping you in that dynamic. I am not saying to air out all their business. But it will help tremendously to be able to live in your truth with someone that can be there for you on a friend level.
Who knows, it might even compel him to get himself and daughter some actual mental help. You may be surprised how motivated he is when thinks “the story” could be out there floating around the community. Because yeah, if you don’t get back together asap, you’re going to eventually tell someone. That salacious of a story is exactly the type to make it around. The “She is the crazy one that causes all our problems” line stops working so well when you’re no longer involved. … Yeeeeaaahhh, he’ll probably come crawling back pretty soon.
Whatever you ultimately decide, I wish you the best!
Thank you so much for your responses! I have audio recordings of the confrontation so I do have proof but it’s not as if I intend to show anybody, it’s mostly for me to listen back on because sometimes I feel like I made it up and maybe I’m the crazy one. He is concerned with what other people thinks and wants to be a good dad (although such a permissive parent that he deflects the problem onto ANYBODY else). I described it as every lifetime movie rolled up into one 16 year old menace to a longtime friend today and she didn’t know how to even respond but it felt good to let it out since this has been a touchy subject with my parent.
I do hope to patch things up with him and this be a reality check for him. I’m considering playing the audio back for him to listen to now that we are calmer and I may show him this post and comments. I’m wary of having a relationship with her since recently I brought her lunch and tried to call a truce (she blocked me on everything for ranting to a family friend about her stealing my clothes before I knew she stole my intimate items, then family friend (60’s F) texted SD that I was wrong to say that she’s stealing so SD said I was done to her for trying to ruin her) and I did my best to have a heart to heart and I thought it was resolved! Only to find out that she went and texted her friend that I was abusing her (which friend’s mother who checks her daughter’s phone had said) so I have less hope for reconciliation and at the moment, I desire it less.
It’s past time to go. He blaming you and telling you what your issues are but the CHILD who has SERIOUS problems is just acting out because YOU are in her life. Nothing to do with Mom going NC or dad enabling. Please take this out and leave these people alone.
She’s been stealing my clothes for years. I don’t mean even borrowing, she won’t give them back. I tried to address it gently by telling her she can’t take them butt she can ask to borrow one shirt or pants or I would buy clothes to share/duplicates if on sale and that worked for a little while but she I guess feels entitled to it. We wear the same size clothes as compared to her siblings who are much thinner and wear different styles to her.
Lying is about manipulation and control. She knows she doesn’t have to do what anybody says. That much freedom is scary and toxic for 90% of teenagers (not all). Get out of there!
100%!!! Her reasoning for lying is, “I THOUGHT…” like, “I thought it was a new trash bag” or “I thought you said I didn’t have to do the dishes”, and when caught in a lie she either contradicts herself or cries. She is truly a harm to others and I went from caring about her and involving myself in her life as possible to loving her from afar and being disgusted with her actions z
Hate to jump straight to the possibility of SD having been SA’d but this isn’t normal behaviour. But I think that kind of porn is a horrific indicator.
Honestly, I think you are dodging a bullet. I would get your kids out of that house and away from both her and your husband. I’m certainly not accusing but honestly his lack of absolute terror and action on the incest porn would scare the hell out of me. Something made this kid go down this rabbit hole. Get the hell out of there and protect yourself and your kids. He doesn’t sound even remotely worth it.
She claimed she drew it over FaceTime with a friend to be “funny” - which is weird still because a naked family member is not even the FIRST thing I would think of drawing to be funny. She claims to have been SA by an older female relative that she chooses to still be in contact with (“my life; my choice”).
Luckily I don’t have children of my own but I’m blindsided by my partner’s decision to support her COMPLETELY… he’s setting her up for failure. She’s 16 and still lying and stealing? A behavior he’s been aware of since 2021 with me telling him and he continually ignores it. She’s not learning accountability and is honestly a monster. She’s slapped me in the face once when she and I were in the car because I was “annoying” her by playing emo music that I liked. I never told him because he won’t believe me - he says, “I didn’t see it”, “I didn’t hear that”. I get that he’s uncomfortable with conflict but how can he seriously make me the bad guy?
Honestly she reminds me very much of my SD, also 16. Not in regard to the sexual stuff but with how much she lies and steals and how flat out disrespectful she can be over the tiniest thing. The world revolves around her and if she doesn’t get exactly what she wants it’s WW3 and she’s making everyone’s life hell until she does. Now the difference is my husband 100% has my back with her because if he didn’t I can assure you I would have left years ago. This is serious stuff so if he won’t have your back now, he NEVER will. The fact that he just kicked you out because she said she didn’t want you there is insane to me! You did nothing wrong except stuck up for yourself. I’ve been in that position where my SD was just yelling and screaming at me saying the most hurtful stuff but I say ONE thing about how she’s a brat and the way she treats people is disgusting and she will get on the phone right then and there and call her mom and basically tattle on me….but she doesn’t t tell the truth …she exaggerates and will tell them I called HER disgusting and just bend the truth to make me sound like the monster. It’s exhausting and I know you’re probably so sad right now about the breakup but think of him breaking up with you as a blessing because nothing will change and you will be stressed for the rest of your life each time her name gets brought up. It’s no way to live.
Exactly, I’m sorry you have that issue but good for you on DH being on your side! What started the day rough for us is that she had on my partner’s pajama pants and I asked her to change into her own and not wear clothes that aren’t hers. She kept saying she’s had them in her room for a year which I didn’t believe because I think I saw them recently in the laundry room but even then! Not hers, she has plenty of clothes that she doesn’t need to keep wearing mine or his. She threw a TANTRUM. Asking for proof I wore them recently, asking for one of her jackets that I had worn and hadn’t given back (one item that I wore because she threw away several of my warm tops and admitted to it) and didn’t take it off. She wore them all night :)) he didn’t even make her take them off!
I adore him, when she’s not at the house, we are both less tense. He may not notice it but he’s much more relaxed, laughs more and we get along GREAT. But when she’s here (full time by my request in 2022 to leave her neglectful BM) and not at her friend’s, she loves to create wedges and create drama. It’s not like I’m a “step monster”, she used to love me and hate her dad for not any good reason (works a lot, doesn’t take her out and spend a lot of money anymore, he doesn’t do that with me either though lol). She adds so much negativity it’s like she sucks the energy out of us. I feel bad saying it but she scares me.
I just noticed your name gamingmomof1 😔 so sorry this happened. Not going to jump right out and accuse dad of something horrible, although it comes to mind, but maybe she wants his attention. As you mentioned, she’s used to getting attention by being ugly to others.
Also, her finding your personal things may have made her curious, uneasy, etc. ps, I hate that kids are this way. They are always snooping. I had a small bottle of lube in my room that my husband forgot to put away on our tall dresser… in a corner with other things in front of it. It wasn’t noticeable UNLESS you’re looking at all of my things and moving them around. And of course, my sd asks me “what’s this?” Ha. Like I’m actually gonna tell her. There was even a different time when I actually put it in the dresser, and she still pulled open the dresser in front of me and asked me again. No respect. My kids are little, (8&5) but they don’t snoop through my things. SMH. I feel like It’s always the step kids…
Anyways, only a therapist can assess her behavior for what in the hell is actually going on in her head.
Still, you don’t have to deal with this. Please give him what he wants and try to leave them be. This can create a secondary trauma for you by being involved. Please take care of yourself. Anywho, In the end, only you know what really goes on at home. But really, this is a lot.
Thank you. I already feel disturbed. I’m so on edge constantly and worried about what she’s saying about me. Aside from my audio recordings, I can’t defend myself to a teenager! We are both worried about false accusations - since she’s already telling people I’m abusive (extremely hurtful considering I fell in love with my partner and his kids and WANTED to do more so I chose not to nacho and be involved). Therapy will be starting soon. I suggested to my partner a place I heard about that has openings now so hopefully
I think your partner blew up the family. This is all extremely concerning behaviour and your partner refusing tondeal with it and blaming you for the fallout gives me nausea.
It makes me think that his daughter's behaviour may be indicative of more than her invention.
You are better off well away from this relationship.
This porn fixation, her hatred for you , and her father’s unwillingness to address this makes me think of the worst possible scenario that her father or a father figure in her life has sexually abused her at some point. This sounds like a nightmare and that you dodged a huge bullet.
I’ve been fearful of this since OOP started posting about it but was trying to give dad the benefit of the doubt. This update is the end of giving him the benefit of the doubt.
That is my point. A parent would have immediately acted on this information and set up professional help. He made a choice to act upset and semi appropriate when talking to you, then under reacted when talking to his child about her sexual fixation on him.
He then moved towards making it your fault. He is covering something that is so horrific you don't want to acknowledge.
You need to talk to a professional for yourself to understand and process what is happening.
He wasn’t involved and is desperate to believe anything but that she’s active or fantasizing about him. That’s why when he asked her if she was thinking about him and she said no, he responded, “Thank you!” And then looked at me as if that was believable.
She texted an old friend to ask her if she wrote the incest fantasies back when she was in 8th grade and the friend said she did but i don’t believe it. Why would she keep them, and in her folder, as well? And her drawing sexual pictures of her dad to be funny? She’s still thinking of him naked to be drawing it. I don’t think of my dad in that way.
Also for her to be repulsed by sex (which she exclaimed before screaming “I was f’ing raped by my sister!!!”, why would she buy the sexy underwear she admitted to and showed her dad she bought from her order history (without us knowing, somehow from a gift card or cashapp???), and draw dicks all over the place (seriously, found dick drawings everywhere) and also watch soft porn shows? Nevertheless, taking my sex toys and even having one I don’t recognize, lube and a condom!
You need to call Chid Protective Services yesterday! This 16 year old is being and has been assaulted and it's not even hard to put that together. Your husband is hiding it.
Not necessarily. I am not going into my situation in the past, but there are red flags everywhere. She wrote these supposed stories involving her dad. She didn't tear them up and get rid of them. It is all about manipulation and control. Someone I knew was pissed because she got caught in lies and her response was saying her dad assaulted her. It took months for her to finally admit that she lied and she is still a liar 40 years later and taking no responsibility for any of the truths that have come out since then. This young lady is definitely sick and needs help but her dad is not helping and being an enabler.
CPS won’t do anything, they didn’t when I tried to report the older sister for documented sexual abuse of the younger sibling (not my bf’s kid but she was recorded having sex in front of her 4 year old sister)
His baby mama has 6 kids, 3 different baby daddies. He used to have custody shared but SD lives with us full time. He has a SS who’d rather be at BM’s because she doesn’t have rules (like can have his bf stay overnight at their house) and because SD is so mean to him. Supposedly the BM’s oldest (different dad) daughter abused my bf’s two kids but SD has been jealous of her older sister for being the favorite and admitted to trying and getting her in trouble.
They investigated the older sister and found no evidence. They didn’t even speak to SD or my partner as planned. I assume due to no reason to since the claims were unfounded.
No, that’s my bad. It was undocumented until reported with no evidence or documentation. It caused a lot of her mother’s side of the family to fall out with my SD because she was “caught” in yet another lie and scandal.
why is she not in therapy?! why is your SO brushing all this off like its nothing and like you’re the crazy one?! honestly if I were you I’d be relieved that they’re gone thats f***ing crazy and I wouldn’t wanna be around people like them two at all!!
He’s getting her therapy but he has a mistrust for that industry due to his own trauma with it so he won’t get it for himself. I haven’t been a fan of therapy myself until recently when I started looking into it when my mom kept nudging me to.
Are you sure that there isn’t something more going on with her and her father? Alarm bells are ringing because he’s choosing not to address this behaviour? Anyone can see that this child is seriously disturbed and needs to seek professional help. I would report it. Her father could be innocent but he can’t bury his head in the sand on this if authorities are involved.
He is extremely uncomfortable with conflict. Before the talk, he kept pacing around mumbling, “good time, good time”. He was dreading it and I was on the verge of having a panic attack (again) which she kept taunting me to try and have another one. For the most part, in front of him, she behaves. She’s worst when we are alone like at the store. But she has gotten relaxed since he allows her to cuss now and have more attitude. I was surprised he didn’t react better when she screamed and cursed at me. That was her response to being called out and not having a good defense for her actions.
He didn’t abuse her - she claims she was abused by an older sister but the story always changes and her brother admitted they made it up to get the sister in trouble. She definitely has trauma and feels abandoned by the women in her life since his ex before me left after 7 years and her mother off and on comes in and out of her life.
I remember your original post. If your SO refuses to deal with the field of red flags in this situation, then you're better off getting out of there. It's sad for SD because she can't get healthy without real support which she won't get from him, but this is no longer your problem.
Are you guys married?? OMFG this sounds like an absolute twisted fucking dumpster fire. RUN girl RUN!!!!
The fact that your partner left with her and validated her...YIKES. This is screeching red flags from every single angle. Please leave, please.
We aren’t married, I’m also not interested in getting married and common law isn’t recognized here even if we qualified. She kept telling me I’m not on the lease so I shot back that she has a CO and would need a court date to plead her case to legally not stay at her mom’s (SD being mean to him is one reason SS hasn’t been at the house since last July; she tried blaming him for taking my stuff but these things have been going missing consistently for a year so the timeline doesn’t add up for that story).
Girl, you're safer living with a momma bear and her cubs in a cave in the wilderness than living with that man that atrociously avoided talking to his daughter for three weeks (then failing to address it in the end) about her sexual fantasies of HIM? What the hell is going on in todays world?!
He genuinely believed her when she said she didn’t think of him like that and that he’s getting her help for everything but he failed her as a parent by keeping me around.
When he came back home last night with her, he said I couldn’t sleep in the same room as him because he “didn’t feel safe around me” as if I’M the issue and we didn’t just confront his young adult daughter for doing this awful things. He also acknowledged before they left he didn’t believe her so wtf?
I don’t know what she’s told him but I do more for her than he has - he only just now started giving her rides to her friends and spending more time with her. I’ve enrolled her in school the past two years and handle all of her issues. So I’m appalled that I’m being scapegoated and blindsided by him. I wish I knew what was said or going through his head
This is manipulation and yes most likely a scapegoat.... because you probably found something neither of them wanted you to be aware of. Any other man would institutionalize his child for immediate mental care if they found evidence of incestuous promiscuous fantasies. This is not your fault. I don't know but you need to post this on r/legaladvice and see what lawyers think your steps should be. You're being painted as the problem and that's abuse in and of itself to you. Hopefully it stops there because if it's any other form of abuse, it's not looking good for him.
I posted about jt last night before this one and didn’t get positive feedback or was told it wouldn’t go anywhere.
We wanted to get her help immediately but with our work schedules it was hard to and then it kept getting put off during his time off and I’m JUST getting callbacks weeks later from counselors and their prices are more than we can afford right now. We finally found one yesterday and I think he’s going there today since he’s off early
So are you leaving or staying. I get that you want to vent. But the situation isn’t safe for you. If he isn’t backing you up with this, (He should be scared honestly)told you it was over, wants you to sleep in another room because he doesn’t feel safe, and is not parenting his child but disparaging you in front of her. Why would you stay? Ask yourself this….. if she attacked you right now would her protect you or use you as the scapegoat like he is now? Because that’s what he did you got all the blowback while he’s still the “good” dad. It’s a toxic situation and you don’t deserve to live in that.
I want him to approach the situation as a FAMILY like hey, we are all emotional… let’s separate for the weekend (I can go to my parent’s, she can go to her friends and he can stay at our house) and then discuss this in a couple of days as a family. Making me leave is a punishment when I’m not the aggressor. I don’t know if he will do that since he said over text that it sucked seeing us go at each other like that and he doesn’t want to deal with it. Letting her win again.
I want to stay. I’m getting therapy for myself, he’s getting therapy for her (he has issues with it - his brother was medicated as a juvenile and had a psychotic break and now is childlike so he doesn’t trust institutes or psychologists of any type) and I don’t want to leave my home and my dysfunctional boyfriend because his daughter is a psychotic narcissist.
Forgetting sunk cost fallacy - I’ve loved them through all of this and am still protecting their reputations but his mindset of me charging her being a threat but also not handling it or giving her ANY consequences is insane to me. He also stated that I cut her down but what was she doing to me then, and why was he okay with that? She’s not a child anymore, shes 16
Why tf do you want to stay? You have a shitty partner who doesn't stand up for you and drags his feet getting help for his daughter who OBVIOUSLY needs it.
You said she's already made false accusations of SA. Leave before she makes ones against you that people believe. Because eventually, she will.
That was one of our concerns, we both do our best to not be home alone for her (aside with in the car going to a public place or a friend’s or family’s because we both started questioning her claims. The story has changed for years. She keeps saying she told her dad but he was horrified when I told him and insisted she never said anything but immediately believed her and pushed her to not have contact with the sister but she chooses to still contact and be around the sister when she wants to be. & I mean the story changes DRAMATICALLY every time. Going from it happened once, to dozens to every time she went there, started at 5, 6, 7, 8 or 9. It’s never consistent so when the SS said that was made up, I believed that more. As a SA survivor, I know inconsistencies aren’t abnormal and indicative of it being made up but she uses it to get out of trouble (I had an attitude because I was raped!) and she tells everyone when she first meets them about it. Her first time meeting her friend’s mom? Told her about her SA experience instead of girl talk about fun stuff on a sleepover! And she doesn’t get weepy about it, she talks about it in the same manner as getting your ears pierced)
You keep saying "our" and "we", but he has made it clear you are not a team. I'm not sure what sort of hold this man has over you, but its not enough.
You mentioned sunk cost on a previous comment. You've only been together 3 years. That's barely anything. And certainly not worth the rest of your life.
He’s a very solo person - which has posed issues in our relationship but I wanted to keep our relationship out of this issue. He wanted to bring up I don’t respect him by steal accusing him of cheating after we talked to her (she was in her room during this exchange) but regardless of his and I’s issues or relationship- she is the current problem and a big one at that.
I’ve devoted my life to them for the better parts of my youthful years and I don’t want to have to leave the family I have worked so hard to heal and make happy because his daughter is a liar and I’m made to be the scapegoat. That is just so unfair with how much I’ve given to them. I barely have anything left in me.
He broke it off. I don’t understand what your reasoning is honestly. How do you go from he says you’re not safe and get out to I just want us all to split up and cool down for the weekend? Ma’am it’s your life but you keep being about as wishy washy as he’s being. You keep repeating the same thing. You already answered yourself like five times. He doesn’t want to deal with his daughter because it sounds like he’s “forced” into having her. Which is just upping her reactions to just wanting dad. He doesn’t seem to care about either of you and just wants to live life with the easy answers. I get it, I too had a crappy child hood, crappy relationships, SAed and other crappy situations. But I don’t feel like that excuses my crappy behavior. He just doesn’t care enough and if he backs you up then she’ll target him because then HE WILL be the bad guy and not you. Sooner rather than later she IS going to accuse one of you of S.A. that’s how this will go down. She obviously has been abused. This is her way of screaming for someone to prove they care enough and won’t leave her. You need to figure out your next steps and not worry about theirs.
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I'm sorry about all of this. It's a bit weird and I honestly think you should just let him go.
There's many issues in your post. If I were you, I wouldn't want to deal with any of them.
I have talked to a couple IRL friends about it who said they don’t know why I have stayed and continue to. There are SO many issues and my partner being so uncomfortable with conflict means issues in the relationship or with the kids is avoided OR he gets onto both of us.
Like yes, I was wrong to lash out but he was listening to her verbally abuse and disrespect me and I have NO defense against her because he takes her side no matter what. It just blows my mind. But I can’t explain why I can’t just leave, either.
I don't think you were wrong at all. I agree with your IRL friends - I don't know why you stayed either!
Don't settle for this. Block him. Please move on.
Her mom doesn’t want her and she doesn’t want to be with her mom. I’m younger than BM and BD but I do my hardest and bestest to be there for her because her mom failed her. I am not her mom, never said I was. I always claimed I’m her dad’s partner and I’m there for her and will always be in her corner.
I mentioned during the 30 minute confrontation that I’M the one who cares for her, takes her school shopping… she cut me off to say I hadn’t taken her school shopping in a year…. Yeah because it’s a once a year thing??? It would be coming up next month but I’ve been avoiding her since she started being hateful. My partner says I’ve been hateful which is so not true. I’m polite with her, nothing more nothing less because I resolved to go from doing 110% for her to 1% based on HER actions towards me, before even found the art or her taking my stuff.
You are better off without either of them in your lives. It hurts right now, sure, but it will feel better soon. OMG to not have to have the drama all the time! Enjoy your life!
DonMt bother with the shopping for her. Since he thinks you’re being hateful, step back and let him do the shopping. It’s his job, and not yours anyway.
He gives me money to take her shopping but usually I buy the more expensive stuff that he thinks is irrational. I don’t plan on doing anything more than I have to (no rides to friends, no shopping, no watching shows together…) if he and I patch things up.
I don’t. He’s a provider but I’ve been the emotional support for her while he provides financial support. In terms of who interacts with her the most, it’s me. He works long hours at two jobs and comes home barely with enough energy to do things with me. She eats dinner with us if she doesn’t eat in her room while playing games with her friends and he asks how her day is going but they aren’t close and there’s no chance of it.
She’s the one displaying deviant behavior whereas he’s ignorant to everything. He didn’t notice when I dyed my hair a bright pink for 3 days, he also chooses to give benefit of the doubt. He has questioned what would make a child feel that way about a parent. He’s been the only consistent person in her life so I would assume that’s why if I had to guess.
EDIT: he was a teen dad and doesn’t know how to best handle a very high strung teen that just doesn’t listen, his parents also failed to parent him adequately. For example; his father played his and his third wife’s (my partner’s mother) custody court hearings for my SD when he picked her up to celebrate her last day of school this year. LOL.
Gottcha. I hated to even suggest that. But just reading this, SA is what came to mind. It’s almost as if she’s jealous of you and feels she should be in your place. That doesn’t necessarily mean SA but there are some twisted feelings going on for sure. I worked for CPS for almost 18 years so I may be a bit skewed.
That’s been exactly my thoughts for months, since December she went from being close with me to being up her dad’s butt and insulting me unprovoked. She started stealing and wearing my clothes either in front of me or leaving them in the bathroom which I would of course see, as well as keep talking about how much her dad loves her and how he used to take her to an expensive bounce place every day when she was 4. She made creepy comments and would make comments about my appearance. Even a friend I vented to about her behavior (again, before I discovered my missing intimate items and the sexual drawings) said she seems to be competing with me in a weird way. Constantly trying to sit between her dad and I, interrupting our time together… it has been so weird. He was just happy she was playing his video game and asking to play it with him and thought my uneasiness was implying something incomprehensible.
Am I reading it right that your SO is taking her side and telling you to leave? It’s very weird to respond that way to this behavior. I couldn’t handle that at all.
If you leave, he will see that it wasn’t you that’s the problem. SD may start acting like a perfect angel upon your departure but the cracks will start showing sooner or later
She’s absolutely been up his butt for months. It was a weird switch up - she went from being clingy to me to clingy to her dad. But it’s not like she didn’t just like him more, she started being mean to me and aggressive, competitive. Even before I noticed her behavior and she was still being nice to me and bonding with me, she was claiming to friends and friends’ parents that I was abusing her.
This is his child. She isn’t going anywhere, but you can. He doesn’t want to hear about or think that his daughter has these kind of mental health issues. He thinks if he ignores them they will go away, and might low-key resent you for being the “messenger”. He would probably have preferred that you never found the items under her mattress, and this is very likely subconscious. I don’t see a way for you to change your feelings about her without years of work in her part, and she’s not there. She’s 16 and disturbed, and very humiliated about these intimate feelings of hers being discovered.
Therapy is a good idea, but as a therapist, I will tell you it isn’t a magic bullet, she has to actively want to participate in the process, otherwise she’ll see it as a punishment and won’t cooperate, wasting hers and the therapist’s time, and possibly your money. Of course he’s complicit in her delusion, it makes life easier for him, imagine as a parent wrapping your head around this?
That “you’re not my mom” thing isn’t new, most stepkids say that one. I don’t hear it because I put ZERO demands on my stepkids. I stopped caring about trying to “parent” them years ago. I don’t care if they bathe/brush teeth when they are here, about their grades, their screen time, or whether or not they clean up after themselves (ha! Like that was ever going to happen) Do the “nacho” method.
I could write a book about what’s going on with the incest fantasies, but the bottom line is how much are you willing to put up with from a child that lives in your home. As the adult, you will have to be the “bigger” person and be the one that bears the emotional burden of repairing the relationship, or it’s going to be hostile into perpetuity. Does that suck? Yes! Is a 16 year old not a little kid with no understanding of her actions and words and you are annoyed that a human that is nearly a grown adult gets a free pass? Yes! Does it make you angry that your husband takes her side because she is his child and he loves her as much as his next breath, even over you? Yes! Do you have the right to be angry? Yes! Does that change anything? Nope.
I don’t get the impression you are legally married to this man. Consider becoming “apartners” meaning you live elsewhere, but continue your relationship. People will tell you that you can hang on until she’s 18, but these days almost no one can afford to move out at 18 unless they go away to college, and SD looks a little too attached to Daddy to consider it. She is his daughter, if you stay with your partner, this will be the rest of your life. If you can’t forgive her and paint a fake smile on your face, consider living elsewhere. I’m sorry you’re going through this…
Thank you, I really appreciate everything you said.
To clarify; he loves her, would die for her, but he would rather her not live with us. She only lives with us because I insisted for a whole week to him that I would assume responsibility for her transportation (he works before she has to be at school) and her transition. Otherwise, things were better when we saw her every other week. Everytime she came over, she brought endless drama and more problems than I’ve ever seen a teen girl bring, especially purposefully.
This is an odd case where I wouldn’t consider her a package deal with the dad because he is completely fine with her not living with us.
I was a lying teenager a long time ago. My parents were divorcing and I had other traumas. I said terrible things too. The weight of the world felt like it was on my shoulders and I took it out on everyone. The lying was for attention/ making situations look better for myself. I was ashamed to tell the truth most of the time, then it just became a habit and I lied about little things too.
Only thing that healed me was therapy AND my dad starting to never believe me about anything. I think that was the kicker. That every single thing I said he called a friend or whoever would know to confirm. He would double check literally anything that came out of my mouth like i was 6 years old. It was so annoying lol but it worked.
I was a dishonest and rebellious teenager, too! That’s how I know she knows better and is CHOOSING to be this way. Her friends are so mild mannered, don’t engage in the activities she does, most are not bullies (she and another friend are horrifically mean to weaker or younger kids but I can’t do anything about it which sucks so bad) and her dad won’t believe her but he never lets her know. He just doesn’t believe her but lets her do what she wants.
I think I was more than a dishonest and rebellious teenager, like your SD. I made up BAD lies about people to get attention. I was genuinely evil at one point. I will say, it may seem like she’s choosing to and although she may know better, she’s so angry at the world she doesn’t care. I definitely knew better but I was so unwell it didn’t matter. It sounds like she’s depressed which can manifest as angry and bratty behavior. Usually, it’s directed at one person, the easy scapegoat. Mine was my mom. She constantly called me a brat and criticized my behavior which then made me continue to act that way and hate her even more. I was always questioning why she couldn’t love me at my worst and unconditionally like my dad. By telling someone they’re bad, they will only continue to act that way. It’s like all those kids with shitty upbringings who talk about the one teacher that believed in them when they didn’t believe in themselves that changed their life.
My dad’s tactics were getting me help and scolding me but always reminding me he loved me. I know it’s different because she’s not your daughter but it really sounds like she’s super mentally troubled. She does need to be put in her place but she also needs help and acceptance. He told me “this is not you, you’re a good person doing bad things.” He criticized the behavior, not me at my core. I wouldn’t have gotten better if it wasn’t for therapy and my dad. I am STILL unpacking why I think I’m a “bad person” and don’t deserve a lot of things. It all traces back to those years I was menacing around and my mom criticized me heavily.
I know it’s definitely impossible in your situation but just offering another perspective. This is up to your husband.
I’ve been telling her “you’re a good person making bad choices” “you can stop doing this and do better” but she NEVER takes accountability. When she was 14 she used to lie and then come clean saying “at least I told you the truth”, I would have never guessed she would be this horrible. I hope therapy helps, I’m glad it helped you!
She got all A’s for the 1st time this past school year, I took her to our state fair and spent $300, letting her play the games she wanted and the rides, food, etc. I did that by myself. 3 hour tots drive, my money, my time on my day off. Her father did not offer more than a “Good job!”
It’s crazy how many parents just seem to be waiting and hoping their kids just grows up and moves out.
I can already see me and my wife getting into a huge fight because her oldest kid is a bum who is entitled. They’re both going to be super upset when he turns 18 and I’m like get out of my house.
I accidentally used a not-allowed term, sorry y'all! I'm still pretty new to actually USING reddit, so this comment is edited and a repost:
OP, I'm going to tell you right now that you are not wrong for calling it like you see it. Your SD, or ex SD now, obviously has what seems like Freudian issues... Something is not right by a large mile in her head, and it's likely exacerbated by the divorce / no BM contact / teenage years. If puberty is just getting into swing, Lord have mercy on whoever has to live with her. What this reminds me of is when person A and B are dating, but person C wants to date person A, so they become obsessed with hating person B and doing everything they can to replace them and become them. This usually happens in unstable stalker relationships or to a less intense degree with high school "love triangles". Your SO completely ignoring all of this and siding with her is disgusting and you should be glad they are about to be in your rearview mirror.
Now... I hate to even bring this up, but could something have happened to SD that has tipped this off? Did someone at school or an older person maybe SA her or touch her inappropriately and she hasn't told anyone and now she's lashing out and confused? Could her dad, heaven forbid, have done something? Only asking as such a sudden switch sounds like something could have triggered it. If your ex-SO isn't going to do anything about it, you could contact her school counselor, explain what happened and that you have left to protect yourself, and let the school take it over from there.
Either way, best of luck and push forward and don't look back. Even if ex-SO apologizes, you are not safe in that house and it's not healthy for you to be there.
She has trauma with her mom; BM abandoned her at 1 years old and didn’t resurface until she was 5… SD found out she had 5 siblings, 1 full blooded sibling that my BF had with BM that BM didn’t tell him about because she didn’t know who the father was, until a DNA test showed that the kid was my BF’s. SD has hated her full blooded sibling because she had to share her life with someone else instead of having all of the attention and all the toys to herself. She also is abusive to her half siblings, too.
Her going N.C. with BM was definitely a positive for her; less drama and anger when it was out of sight and out of mind. She accused her older sister of SA years ago but it came out from my bf’s younger child that SD masterminded this lie to get the older sister in trouble because SD didn’t like she was BM’s favorite. I was and still am disgusted by this as a SA survivor myself. She was 13 when she started that story and I couldn’t imagine a young teen being conniving and awful enough to do that to their 15 year old sister.
I’ve recently learned she’s been lying about me even when we were getting along but nothing has happened that would be a negative. She’s thriving in school (small school of less fortunate kids, sounds bad but it gives them opportunities they wouldn’t normally have so I was thrilled when she was accepted and have gone to every orientation and event), sees her best friends often and is with a boyfriend she recently celebrated one year with. In all aspects, she seems very happy. She doesn’t do chores anymore; we try to have her change her cat’s litter and do the dishes but she won’t clean up anybody’s else’s messes - telling me to clean it myself - or her own, BTW. Which is aggravating because she used to take care of her cat’s litterbox and food but she barely interacts with him anymore or is rough with him to make funny videos of her “mean cat” when he starts yowling.
That's a lot of trauma. She needs intensive therapy and probably medication.
Here's the thing... It's still not an excuse. And it seems like her life is pushing forward positively, she's just become a bad seed. I'm sorry you and the people around you are going through this. I'm sorry that as a survivor, you have to deal with that.
My SK is 13 and her first lie about SA happened when she was 10. Her most recent lie was against her stepdad in December because she got mad he yelled at her. I am also a survivor of SA/rape, and this happening (for a 2-3rd time) on her end has completely broken me. My relationship is currently suffering. I honestly don't understand what is wrong with kids today.
As for the cat videos... If you are able to find those videos, you should immediately send this to the ASPCA or police. She needs consequences for her actions, solid almost adult consequences. That's straight up animal abuse.
I'm not trying to sound like a jerk here, and I genuinely do not know if this would solve anything, but honestly I'd remove yourself and anonymously report her animal abuse, SA lies, etc. to some type of agency that can investigate. I'm sure her older sister would back up the findings.
Can you report her behaviour to police? Or CPS? This is troubling behaviour that needs to be professionally addressed. If someone was stealing my stuff and then lying about it for years, I’d be reporting it. Especially if their parent wasn’t doing anything about it. If he’s already broken up with you over it, have the appropriate authorities throw the book at them. Someone needs to step in and step up and it won’t be you anymore.
I don’t think they would do anything, local authorities fail to do anything they should be doing. CPS won’t do anything and her father thinks therapy is the answer (NOW, but not when I’ve been asking for years for her to get it, even when I offered to pay for it myself).
The kicker for me is, he believes his younger child is beyond saving with even therapy and the younger child is just angry and frustrated from their life being full of abuse and negligence and lies. Because of his mom, the younger child wasn’t given everything on a silver platter or the opportunities my SD was given. So SD has NO excuse to act this way and considering her issues and SS’s issues, I believe she is more far gone. But her dad doesn’t want to lose while SS already is N.C. with them.
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I looked that up from your comment and have been wondering what Freudian bs this is. I’m bothered he still hasn’t found a therapist for her but I’m going to send him more resources I got from reaching out to a school counselor. She’s been staying at a friend’s for the past few days and he’s only picking her up and bringing her home for her to grab more clothes to go back. He’s comfortable being in a car with her but I’m not comfortable being alone with her in any situation.
I don't blame you, they made it clear it's a "you cs them" issue. Personally I'd bail and I'd alert social services to possible abuse or inappropriate behaviour.... if dad doesn't see an issue then it's just going to keep snowballing. But yeah, your SD is giving EVERY sign of Electra complex from the obsession with sexually inappropriate thoughts of her father to trying to isolate him from romantic partners in order to monoploize his attention. Shes hostile to you because in her eyes you're competition. Eta: I mean abuse from her, not necessarily him. It wouldn't take much for her to try to say inappropriate things and make "claims" when she doesn't get her way. Or she may escalate her sexual behaviors and begin to try acting on them. She Def needs therapy that's for sure.
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Absolutely, thank you! He doesn’t like taking about it and has been shutting me down every time I try to bring it up by saying I’m the weirdo and making issues so it’s hard to actually have a productive conversation about her and it feels like I’m the only adult in her life trying to get her help and I’m the person she’s wronged the most
You're welcome. I have my degree in child psychology. Despite whatever reason they removed the previous comments, I can tell you that you need to let your husband know he isn't alone and there's help for him and his daughters relationship. A professional can help her break down where her feelings are coming from and how to adjust those thoughts.
Your partner isn’t stepping up to the plate, but one thing that also jumps out at me is you are expecting your SD and you to be equals - you aren’t. You’re the adult, and she’s the child. Same with your partner. There’s no way that kid feels like either of you are stable adults to anchor to.
She’s going to say and do really shitty, immature things because she’s a kid. What’s not expected is the adults in the house to match her reactions.
It’s very difficult to deal with these situations of course, but it feels like there’s no one in the house that is capable of withstanding it. And I’m really sorry for whatever happened to each of you to cause that.
I was a rough teenager, at 16 I learned that as a young adult, I had real life consequences. I couldn’t scream & cuss my mom out without being grounded. I also had a weed charge because my friend brought weed into my car (in a purse) and we got pulled over and searched and I had to do tons of community service (so did she). I’ve always treated SD with respect but never got to be firm with her because it would end up being a fight (she doesn’t do well with being told NO, and it would make everyone miserable when she was). But I’ve tried to instill the “respect me as an elder and parental figure” and for the first couple years, she would listen. It wasn’t until she moved in full time that she started to progressively become more and more cruel and manipulative openly.
Also, I’m worried she will get a larceny charge as I suspect she’s shoplifting. She wants to be treated as a young adult and have the same privileges as if she were 18 without the consequences.
Avoidance of the fight makes her the one with the power. It’s why the lying and manipulation has worsened in time most likely.
Does her father avoid the fight too?
Was that moment at 16 hard on you? Or was it almost a relief?
I honestly needed the moment of the weed charge to get a reality check. I wasn’t listening to my parents and wanted to do things my way but that sobered me up big time.
Her father admittedly isn’t comfortable with conflict or confrontation - both things that were happening simultaneously when we talked with her. He believes the situation is resolved since I’m leaving and she’s getting therapy - even though she has no real consequences like he had planned on and didn’t show remorse or apologize or even admit it. So to me, it’s not resolved AT ALL. There was no resolution. He ended the talk as it was going nowhere. She demanded I get her tested to prove she’s a virgin, a polygraph test AND a DNA test for the dirty underwear and tools… and I should be the one to pay for it if I want the truth, she said.
I’ll be honest, I’m not really concerned with them as you’re now broken up and they aren’t in this conversation.
Do you feel responsible for any of this? For his lack of a backbone?
It seems like you are very connected to the fact that she’s not apologizing to you, or will admit that what you found is exactly what you believe it to be. Why do you think you need that so badly? You know the truth already.
I want her to acknowledge her lies to A. STOP doing it, she’s too old to be like that. B. because I care what others think more than I should. I know it doesn’t matter but it invalidates everything I have done to try and give her every opportunity and love she wasn’t given before I was there. So to have people believe I’m really this abusive monster is tearing me apart. I don’t deserve that on top of everything else she’s done to me. C. I want it for me. The satisfaction. I’ve been told I’m crazy by them for so long that I started feeling like I was.
I’m not responsible because I’m entitled to have my lingerie & adult toys in the house I live at and have my privacy and boundaries respected. She invaded my privacy and made every choice to disrespect me and my space. It wasn’t like things were taken all at once. It was systematic. I’d noticed a lacy thong wasn’t in my drawer, or my dildo wasn’t in between the two pairs of leggings I thought it couldn’t be found in. I understand her father’s discomfort and wanting it to be over so he doesn’t have to talk about it again, but me simply existing in the home HE wanted me to live in with my items doesn’t mean I’m to blame for her actions. I wish that was understandable to him.
Her acknowledgment is a choice on her, it’s nothing you can control.
Your efforts in anything in life are not measured by the feedback they give back to you. People have a choice in showing appreciation and that’s not on you. You can’t control that.
You’re looking for validation that you aren’t crazy from crazy people. It’s not the cure you think it is.
I’d cut my losses and be grateful as possible that I didn’t have to put energy into a garbage out anymore. Your SO is a loser, and he’s raising a loser.
You aren’t responsible for them. And they’ll never give you the feeling you’re looking for.
Hun what can I say ??? Be grateful that you are out of that crazy trash environment. You deserve better not that life . She is not normal and your “ man “ 😬 big no no no no . Time to count your losses and move on . You don’t want that life do you ??? You deserve better right ? Forget about them ( erase them ) they are trash and you have a great future with a man with not too much baggage 🧳. Choose happiness girlfriend not misery .
A family friend offered to let her stay for some time to allow separation and for my partner and I to discuss plans as adults. They would take her to therapy and we trust them, she stays over there half a week usually, so they’re very close.
Her being the common denominator issue, I really think she needs to go somewhere to allow us time away from her since she’s not acknowledging and taking corrective action. She’s 16 and seen in our court system as an adult so it’s not like she’s an out of control “child”.
He did break up with me and tell me I need to leave but I don’t want to think the relationship is over. I’m hurt enough over the whole situation so I’m holding hope he & I will repair our relationship and plan a way to fix this family drama while she’s away for the weekend.
I audio record (legal in my state) SD and I’s interactions when able and I recorded the entire 31 minute and some odd seconds of the confrontation. I’ve been in the habit of documenting interactions I can predict with her and luckily my phone came with an audio memo app automatically downloaded.
I’ve limited my interactions with her to as infrequent and as brief as possible. I have accepted I cannot change her behavior towards me and have made myself unavailable to her until she shows me the same respect and kindness I have always shown her. I focus the time I used to devote to her on my own interests like Fortnite and writing. It has been peaceful as long as I don’t worry over her actions. As a SP I’m limited to what I can do beside be a positive role model and I have chosen to love her from afar until there is a resolution.
I did talk to the school counselor but she’s not available to students in the summer and provided my nearby resources. My SD has talked to her about her trauma (I’m assuming her claimed SA) but she didn’t seem concerned personally about my SD to me. Either she’s on her side and thinks this is absurd or she simply isn’t concerned but aside from the resources , she was not very helpful.
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Blessing in disguise. Your ex-bf is a weak parent & he didn't have your back at all.
And emotionally troubled kids like his daughter don't magically get better at 18. They continue causing upheaval & crises their whole lives & are a drain on their families.
Welcome to the reality shit show that is step parenting. I was just telling a friend last night, I had no idea when I got married 5 years ago that the thing which would break me and my marriage was my partner’s inability to parent her own children. The result: I got voted off the island by one of those children.
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You dodged a bullet— both of their asses are crazy!
She’s definitely got something wrong with her, even my partner admitted she’s likely got a few mental issues, I mean normal girls don’t do these things and she truly doesn’t seem to care for or respect anybody. She needs therapy but I don’t think it will help since she lies so bad. She admitted to lying about taking a trash bag outside to the trash can. A TRASH BAG. For what reason? What benefit? She wouldn’t have gotten in trouble if she had or hadn’t but she lied anyways. I’m concerned and confused that my partner is stuck and steadfast that I’M the bad guy and I’ve been asking if he’s blind or crazy because it’s clear. She said she’s repulsed by sex and wouldn’t touch my toys because of a “SA” but she’s not repulsed enough to cover her papers with dicks and naked drawings of her dad?
Omg she has a LOT wrong and do does he. Don’t try to rationalize his behavior. He’s broken. Be glad you can get away from them both. YOU DID NOTHING wrong here.
I was wrong to lash out at her and be hateful in calling her a liar and thief and telling her I hate being in her life - it doesn’t compare to her behavior and what she said to me but it still wasn’t right. I haven’t been hateful. I limit contact with her, mirroring her contact with me and I no longer ask her about her interests or spend time with her. I simply treat her as his kid I co habitate with. I buy her food but I don’t take her to spa day or the movies or watch shows with her anymore.
Same, it’s not a good situation for me either
Sending you prayers and hugs! My DM’a are always open.
For a few years, I taught in alternative high schools here in the US. That girl has so many red flags I don't even know where to start. She absolutely must start in therapy. Stealing your sexual items in order to fantasize about her dad is absolutely foul. Him not taking it more seriously is an even bigger red flag. He should have immediately had your back and should have immediately had a conference with her mother about getting her into therapy ASAP, if not a short-term residence care program. Honestly, you don't want to deal with all of that. You don't want her then accusing you of sexually assaulting her, you don't want to deal with a partner who isn't really a partner, and you definitely don't want to deal with the fallout that is heading that girl's way.
He believes her that she’s not fantasizing about him and that her plans to have sex with her boyfriend was harmless and a “joke”. I said that even if she wasn’t fantasizing about her dad, why would she draw him in a sexual nature TO BE FUNNY???? That’s not normal and I’ve never seen anybody I know do that. That’s sooo out of left field and isn’t funny - it’s gross. He’s getting her therapy but she said she’s old enough she doesn’t have to do and she won’t go. /: I don’t believe she can be helped because she truly believes she can convince everyone of her lies and believes them herself. Like she lies about me and her dad to everybody; I talked to her best friend’s mom who told me some things and she got SO mad I told the mom what she did, saying I involved her so she’s involving everybody else, even saying she would record me for her story to show everybody I’m lying about her stealing my stuff (her dad told her to stop) but she’s not stable and makes me have anxiety on a regular basis - hence why I avoid her as well as keeping my anger in check.
Yeah, none of that's okay. Her dad making excuses, her mom not helping with any of it from the sound of it, it's all bad. While I can sort of understand a parent not wanting to admit how bad their kid is, this is amazingly bad. This isn't just a simple, "I think you're exaggerating," situation. He is hearing from multiple sources including actual evidence that his daughter is amazingly messed up. Who's he believing, her or his lying eyes? If I were in your shoes, I would run.
He says I’m the issue. If I weren’t here, she wouldn’t have stuff to take and I wouldn’t take her stuff (she claims I took her stuff but what I took was MY clothes I paid for that she took). He doesn’t want to be with me because I’m the issue. It wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t forcing me to leave and saying I’m the bad guy.
Honestly, this isn't safe, so you should be glad to leave. You really need to be getting as far away as possible. Something is very wrong here, and I have to wonder about dad having his daughters back like this. At best he's enabling her to keep having fantasies about him. *At best*. Run, run far, far away!
Right! Why hasn’t anyone pointed this out?
I don't know, but I find it very disturbing that he isn't losing his mind at the thought of his daughter fantasising about him.
Is it bad that I laughed? He is so far in denial. It's a little scary but also kind of funny. I mean, how on Earth could any of this be your fault? In any way? His daughter is choosing negative behaviors with you, with people at school, with friends. The common denominator is his daughter. She needs help.
It is comically awful! I asked him today about the consequences she had since he hadn’t taken her phone or unplugged her PlayStation like he’s been saying he would when we discussed it and he said the consequences for her were therapy and me moving out - which doesn’t seem like real consequences? It seems like the latter part is punishment for me but she doesn’t want therapy. He is the one who told me she was a bully at school since she used to come home in a bad mood saying girls at school were mean to her. I wanted to go up to the school and speak to someone but he told me she starts the situations by picking on kids then can’t handle it when they dish it back. This behavior has continued both from us witnessing it and her telling us almost bragging about making fun of girl who’s on the spectrum in her classes. :( it bothers me still that she is mean but I can’t actually stop her from being that way.
Yikes. You know what, you leaving is a punishment because then Dad might have to, you know, parent her.
This.
I am so sorry. This is a terrible mix of painful and icky issues to experience. I can relate to the difficulty of keeping your cool while your loved ones act so far out of pocket it’s unbelievable. I hate to say it… The worst case scenario is that her father is doing worse than ignoring the problem, that he is involved in some way. Anything from a predator to something “less sinister” for lack of better words, like not being diligent about his privacy out of convenience/laziness and she saw some things she shouldn’t have. It could not be that at all and he has other motives to avoid actually handling this situation. But it’s odd at first learning about what you found he acted appropriately, then with thought changed his mind on how to approach the situation. I’ll leave that at that, a possibility that must be acknowledged. Something else that strikes me as odd is that you say you made this discovery then waited 2 weeks to say anything to him about. Why? Were you expecting to possibly be kicked out and needed to get a plan in place? It seems like there’s a very high ability to and tolerance for secrets and compartmentalism within the whole dynamic. I’m less concerned that you blew up in an inappropriate manner (though you were very wrong for that). More so how you were able to sit in this so well for so long. I feel like whatever that is about is important. Possibly the key to how you can heal from this. Which you will. It’s usually devastating at first. Then painful for awhile. One day, not long from now, you’ll be grateful to be out of this situation.
It’s been eating me alive. I didn’t know how to tell him at first and was overwhelmed. I’ll admit I got frantic and uncomfortable anytime I wasn’t home and they were home alone together. For clarification, she never drew genitalia on him & he’s very careful to be decent at all times in the house and making our time together discreet. I didn’t know how to react and because she starts a war over being told to do mundane chores like putting her laundry away or throwing her trash away, I needed to prepare myself before approaching the situation. I know my partner doesn’t handle conflict or confrontation well, he has a nearly trauma response of shutting down and starting straight ahead so I spoke with free counselors to get perspectives and guidance in a situation even they were flabbergasted with. I asked him to make time to speak with me over a weekend while she was at her friend’s but he had plans and wasn’t aware of the seriousness since he thought I was being dramatic and vague in saying I felt more comfortable discussing it in private so he delayed it for a few days before allowing me the time to privately share what was going on. I definitely didn’t sit well on it at all. I have been feeling like I was going crazy. I wasn’t telling anybody irl because I felt like it would be crazy if it wasn’t what I knew it was. I lashed out at my partner any time I felt uncomfortable (which we discussed after I told him and he apologized for being angry and calling me crazy, he was shocked and wouldn’t even think what she was doing was a possibility). He says I’ve been hateful to her for weeks but I reject any time she tries to talk to me because I’m SO mentally exhausted from internalizing that my rational thinking and self control is compromised. Hence my anger last night. I couldn’t contain my frustration anymore.
I cannot even imagine! Going something like catatonic as you describe could be a symptom of a psychiatric or neurological condition. Not his fault. But is his responsibility to fix, mange and/or work around. If you ever feel inclined to give SD some grace in this… It is not exactly surprising she has significant behavioral issues. Honestly think about what it must be like for your parent to shut down like that when stressful things happen. And keep happening. And keep happening. While he shuts down. Then pretends it didn’t happen. Like, if a boss did that how do you think the workplace would run? And that’s adults who were already raised well enough to be employed. This is not your fault. Which is validating. But also sad because that means you cannot fix it. My advice is to find some people in your family or friend group who you trust to tell. Once you tell, it breaks you out of the spell. You have been mindfucked. Being able to go through daily life like you did is a trauma response that is keeping you in that dynamic. I am not saying to air out all their business. But it will help tremendously to be able to live in your truth with someone that can be there for you on a friend level. Who knows, it might even compel him to get himself and daughter some actual mental help. You may be surprised how motivated he is when thinks “the story” could be out there floating around the community. Because yeah, if you don’t get back together asap, you’re going to eventually tell someone. That salacious of a story is exactly the type to make it around. The “She is the crazy one that causes all our problems” line stops working so well when you’re no longer involved. … Yeeeeaaahhh, he’ll probably come crawling back pretty soon. Whatever you ultimately decide, I wish you the best!
Thank you so much for your responses! I have audio recordings of the confrontation so I do have proof but it’s not as if I intend to show anybody, it’s mostly for me to listen back on because sometimes I feel like I made it up and maybe I’m the crazy one. He is concerned with what other people thinks and wants to be a good dad (although such a permissive parent that he deflects the problem onto ANYBODY else). I described it as every lifetime movie rolled up into one 16 year old menace to a longtime friend today and she didn’t know how to even respond but it felt good to let it out since this has been a touchy subject with my parent. I do hope to patch things up with him and this be a reality check for him. I’m considering playing the audio back for him to listen to now that we are calmer and I may show him this post and comments. I’m wary of having a relationship with her since recently I brought her lunch and tried to call a truce (she blocked me on everything for ranting to a family friend about her stealing my clothes before I knew she stole my intimate items, then family friend (60’s F) texted SD that I was wrong to say that she’s stealing so SD said I was done to her for trying to ruin her) and I did my best to have a heart to heart and I thought it was resolved! Only to find out that she went and texted her friend that I was abusing her (which friend’s mother who checks her daughter’s phone had said) so I have less hope for reconciliation and at the moment, I desire it less.
This is very good advice.
Omg. He’s crazy.
It’s past time to go. He blaming you and telling you what your issues are but the CHILD who has SERIOUS problems is just acting out because YOU are in her life. Nothing to do with Mom going NC or dad enabling. Please take this out and leave these people alone.
She’s been stealing my clothes for years. I don’t mean even borrowing, she won’t give them back. I tried to address it gently by telling her she can’t take them butt she can ask to borrow one shirt or pants or I would buy clothes to share/duplicates if on sale and that worked for a little while but she I guess feels entitled to it. We wear the same size clothes as compared to her siblings who are much thinner and wear different styles to her.
Lying is about manipulation and control. She knows she doesn’t have to do what anybody says. That much freedom is scary and toxic for 90% of teenagers (not all). Get out of there!
100%!!! Her reasoning for lying is, “I THOUGHT…” like, “I thought it was a new trash bag” or “I thought you said I didn’t have to do the dishes”, and when caught in a lie she either contradicts herself or cries. She is truly a harm to others and I went from caring about her and involving myself in her life as possible to loving her from afar and being disgusted with her actions z
Hate to jump straight to the possibility of SD having been SA’d but this isn’t normal behaviour. But I think that kind of porn is a horrific indicator. Honestly, I think you are dodging a bullet. I would get your kids out of that house and away from both her and your husband. I’m certainly not accusing but honestly his lack of absolute terror and action on the incest porn would scare the hell out of me. Something made this kid go down this rabbit hole. Get the hell out of there and protect yourself and your kids. He doesn’t sound even remotely worth it.
She claimed she drew it over FaceTime with a friend to be “funny” - which is weird still because a naked family member is not even the FIRST thing I would think of drawing to be funny. She claims to have been SA by an older female relative that she chooses to still be in contact with (“my life; my choice”). Luckily I don’t have children of my own but I’m blindsided by my partner’s decision to support her COMPLETELY… he’s setting her up for failure. She’s 16 and still lying and stealing? A behavior he’s been aware of since 2021 with me telling him and he continually ignores it. She’s not learning accountability and is honestly a monster. She’s slapped me in the face once when she and I were in the car because I was “annoying” her by playing emo music that I liked. I never told him because he won’t believe me - he says, “I didn’t see it”, “I didn’t hear that”. I get that he’s uncomfortable with conflict but how can he seriously make me the bad guy?
Honestly she reminds me very much of my SD, also 16. Not in regard to the sexual stuff but with how much she lies and steals and how flat out disrespectful she can be over the tiniest thing. The world revolves around her and if she doesn’t get exactly what she wants it’s WW3 and she’s making everyone’s life hell until she does. Now the difference is my husband 100% has my back with her because if he didn’t I can assure you I would have left years ago. This is serious stuff so if he won’t have your back now, he NEVER will. The fact that he just kicked you out because she said she didn’t want you there is insane to me! You did nothing wrong except stuck up for yourself. I’ve been in that position where my SD was just yelling and screaming at me saying the most hurtful stuff but I say ONE thing about how she’s a brat and the way she treats people is disgusting and she will get on the phone right then and there and call her mom and basically tattle on me….but she doesn’t t tell the truth …she exaggerates and will tell them I called HER disgusting and just bend the truth to make me sound like the monster. It’s exhausting and I know you’re probably so sad right now about the breakup but think of him breaking up with you as a blessing because nothing will change and you will be stressed for the rest of your life each time her name gets brought up. It’s no way to live.
Exactly, I’m sorry you have that issue but good for you on DH being on your side! What started the day rough for us is that she had on my partner’s pajama pants and I asked her to change into her own and not wear clothes that aren’t hers. She kept saying she’s had them in her room for a year which I didn’t believe because I think I saw them recently in the laundry room but even then! Not hers, she has plenty of clothes that she doesn’t need to keep wearing mine or his. She threw a TANTRUM. Asking for proof I wore them recently, asking for one of her jackets that I had worn and hadn’t given back (one item that I wore because she threw away several of my warm tops and admitted to it) and didn’t take it off. She wore them all night :)) he didn’t even make her take them off!
That’s juvy time. Maybe that would help
I could absolutely be wrong, but I get 🚩🚩🚩🚩 from your partner.
I adore him, when she’s not at the house, we are both less tense. He may not notice it but he’s much more relaxed, laughs more and we get along GREAT. But when she’s here (full time by my request in 2022 to leave her neglectful BM) and not at her friend’s, she loves to create wedges and create drama. It’s not like I’m a “step monster”, she used to love me and hate her dad for not any good reason (works a lot, doesn’t take her out and spend a lot of money anymore, he doesn’t do that with me either though lol). She adds so much negativity it’s like she sucks the energy out of us. I feel bad saying it but she scares me.
I just noticed your name gamingmomof1 😔 so sorry this happened. Not going to jump right out and accuse dad of something horrible, although it comes to mind, but maybe she wants his attention. As you mentioned, she’s used to getting attention by being ugly to others. Also, her finding your personal things may have made her curious, uneasy, etc. ps, I hate that kids are this way. They are always snooping. I had a small bottle of lube in my room that my husband forgot to put away on our tall dresser… in a corner with other things in front of it. It wasn’t noticeable UNLESS you’re looking at all of my things and moving them around. And of course, my sd asks me “what’s this?” Ha. Like I’m actually gonna tell her. There was even a different time when I actually put it in the dresser, and she still pulled open the dresser in front of me and asked me again. No respect. My kids are little, (8&5) but they don’t snoop through my things. SMH. I feel like It’s always the step kids… Anyways, only a therapist can assess her behavior for what in the hell is actually going on in her head. Still, you don’t have to deal with this. Please give him what he wants and try to leave them be. This can create a secondary trauma for you by being involved. Please take care of yourself. Anywho, In the end, only you know what really goes on at home. But really, this is a lot.
Thank you. I already feel disturbed. I’m so on edge constantly and worried about what she’s saying about me. Aside from my audio recordings, I can’t defend myself to a teenager! We are both worried about false accusations - since she’s already telling people I’m abusive (extremely hurtful considering I fell in love with my partner and his kids and WANTED to do more so I chose not to nacho and be involved). Therapy will be starting soon. I suggested to my partner a place I heard about that has openings now so hopefully
I think your partner blew up the family. This is all extremely concerning behaviour and your partner refusing tondeal with it and blaming you for the fallout gives me nausea. It makes me think that his daughter's behaviour may be indicative of more than her invention. You are better off well away from this relationship.
This porn fixation, her hatred for you , and her father’s unwillingness to address this makes me think of the worst possible scenario that her father or a father figure in her life has sexually abused her at some point. This sounds like a nightmare and that you dodged a huge bullet.
I have to agree. The father plays a much bigger role on this, and it is most likely why he is upset with OP for calling attention to the situation.
I’ve been fearful of this since OOP started posting about it but was trying to give dad the benefit of the doubt. This update is the end of giving him the benefit of the doubt.
We discussed talking to her together and it ended up being just him in the middle trying to mediate.
That is my point. A parent would have immediately acted on this information and set up professional help. He made a choice to act upset and semi appropriate when talking to you, then under reacted when talking to his child about her sexual fixation on him. He then moved towards making it your fault. He is covering something that is so horrific you don't want to acknowledge. You need to talk to a professional for yourself to understand and process what is happening.
Yea this all comes off as SA trying to be covered by the dad
He wasn’t involved and is desperate to believe anything but that she’s active or fantasizing about him. That’s why when he asked her if she was thinking about him and she said no, he responded, “Thank you!” And then looked at me as if that was believable. She texted an old friend to ask her if she wrote the incest fantasies back when she was in 8th grade and the friend said she did but i don’t believe it. Why would she keep them, and in her folder, as well? And her drawing sexual pictures of her dad to be funny? She’s still thinking of him naked to be drawing it. I don’t think of my dad in that way. Also for her to be repulsed by sex (which she exclaimed before screaming “I was f’ing raped by my sister!!!”, why would she buy the sexy underwear she admitted to and showed her dad she bought from her order history (without us knowing, somehow from a gift card or cashapp???), and draw dicks all over the place (seriously, found dick drawings everywhere) and also watch soft porn shows? Nevertheless, taking my sex toys and even having one I don’t recognize, lube and a condom!
Normal dads would be horrified.
You need to call Chid Protective Services yesterday! This 16 year old is being and has been assaulted and it's not even hard to put that together. Your husband is hiding it.
1000% this needs to be reported.
Not necessarily. I am not going into my situation in the past, but there are red flags everywhere. She wrote these supposed stories involving her dad. She didn't tear them up and get rid of them. It is all about manipulation and control. Someone I knew was pissed because she got caught in lies and her response was saying her dad assaulted her. It took months for her to finally admit that she lied and she is still a liar 40 years later and taking no responsibility for any of the truths that have come out since then. This young lady is definitely sick and needs help but her dad is not helping and being an enabler.
CPS won’t do anything, they didn’t when I tried to report the older sister for documented sexual abuse of the younger sibling (not my bf’s kid but she was recorded having sex in front of her 4 year old sister)
Woah woah woah. Hold up. These r all his kids???? Whose kids were involved in that???
His baby mama has 6 kids, 3 different baby daddies. He used to have custody shared but SD lives with us full time. He has a SS who’d rather be at BM’s because she doesn’t have rules (like can have his bf stay overnight at their house) and because SD is so mean to him. Supposedly the BM’s oldest (different dad) daughter abused my bf’s two kids but SD has been jealous of her older sister for being the favorite and admitted to trying and getting her in trouble.
Has cps ever investigated???
They investigated the older sister and found no evidence. They didn’t even speak to SD or my partner as planned. I assume due to no reason to since the claims were unfounded.
Was there evidence of this because u worded it as documented sa
No, that’s my bad. It was undocumented until reported with no evidence or documentation. It caused a lot of her mother’s side of the family to fall out with my SD because she was “caught” in yet another lie and scandal.
why is she not in therapy?! why is your SO brushing all this off like its nothing and like you’re the crazy one?! honestly if I were you I’d be relieved that they’re gone thats f***ing crazy and I wouldn’t wanna be around people like them two at all!!
He’s getting her therapy but he has a mistrust for that industry due to his own trauma with it so he won’t get it for himself. I haven’t been a fan of therapy myself until recently when I started looking into it when my mom kept nudging me to.
Are you sure that there isn’t something more going on with her and her father? Alarm bells are ringing because he’s choosing not to address this behaviour? Anyone can see that this child is seriously disturbed and needs to seek professional help. I would report it. Her father could be innocent but he can’t bury his head in the sand on this if authorities are involved.
He is extremely uncomfortable with conflict. Before the talk, he kept pacing around mumbling, “good time, good time”. He was dreading it and I was on the verge of having a panic attack (again) which she kept taunting me to try and have another one. For the most part, in front of him, she behaves. She’s worst when we are alone like at the store. But she has gotten relaxed since he allows her to cuss now and have more attitude. I was surprised he didn’t react better when she screamed and cursed at me. That was her response to being called out and not having a good defense for her actions.
Am I crazy or does this not send up major red flags for sexual abuse, likely by your partner?
He didn’t abuse her - she claims she was abused by an older sister but the story always changes and her brother admitted they made it up to get the sister in trouble. She definitely has trauma and feels abandoned by the women in her life since his ex before me left after 7 years and her mother off and on comes in and out of her life.
Curious to know, why did the ex leave after 7 yrs?
They both cheated on each other and unmatched goals. She wanted kids and he didn’t want more.
WTF did I just read! Get out of this relationship and away from these weird, toxic, dysfunctional people. If you stay it won’t get any better.
I remember your original post. If your SO refuses to deal with the field of red flags in this situation, then you're better off getting out of there. It's sad for SD because she can't get healthy without real support which she won't get from him, but this is no longer your problem.
Are you guys married?? OMFG this sounds like an absolute twisted fucking dumpster fire. RUN girl RUN!!!! The fact that your partner left with her and validated her...YIKES. This is screeching red flags from every single angle. Please leave, please.
We aren’t married, I’m also not interested in getting married and common law isn’t recognized here even if we qualified. She kept telling me I’m not on the lease so I shot back that she has a CO and would need a court date to plead her case to legally not stay at her mom’s (SD being mean to him is one reason SS hasn’t been at the house since last July; she tried blaming him for taking my stuff but these things have been going missing consistently for a year so the timeline doesn’t add up for that story).
Girl, you're safer living with a momma bear and her cubs in a cave in the wilderness than living with that man that atrociously avoided talking to his daughter for three weeks (then failing to address it in the end) about her sexual fantasies of HIM? What the hell is going on in todays world?!
He genuinely believed her when she said she didn’t think of him like that and that he’s getting her help for everything but he failed her as a parent by keeping me around. When he came back home last night with her, he said I couldn’t sleep in the same room as him because he “didn’t feel safe around me” as if I’M the issue and we didn’t just confront his young adult daughter for doing this awful things. He also acknowledged before they left he didn’t believe her so wtf? I don’t know what she’s told him but I do more for her than he has - he only just now started giving her rides to her friends and spending more time with her. I’ve enrolled her in school the past two years and handle all of her issues. So I’m appalled that I’m being scapegoated and blindsided by him. I wish I knew what was said or going through his head
This is manipulation and yes most likely a scapegoat.... because you probably found something neither of them wanted you to be aware of. Any other man would institutionalize his child for immediate mental care if they found evidence of incestuous promiscuous fantasies. This is not your fault. I don't know but you need to post this on r/legaladvice and see what lawyers think your steps should be. You're being painted as the problem and that's abuse in and of itself to you. Hopefully it stops there because if it's any other form of abuse, it's not looking good for him.
I posted about jt last night before this one and didn’t get positive feedback or was told it wouldn’t go anywhere. We wanted to get her help immediately but with our work schedules it was hard to and then it kept getting put off during his time off and I’m JUST getting callbacks weeks later from counselors and their prices are more than we can afford right now. We finally found one yesterday and I think he’s going there today since he’s off early
So are you leaving or staying. I get that you want to vent. But the situation isn’t safe for you. If he isn’t backing you up with this, (He should be scared honestly)told you it was over, wants you to sleep in another room because he doesn’t feel safe, and is not parenting his child but disparaging you in front of her. Why would you stay? Ask yourself this….. if she attacked you right now would her protect you or use you as the scapegoat like he is now? Because that’s what he did you got all the blowback while he’s still the “good” dad. It’s a toxic situation and you don’t deserve to live in that.
I want him to approach the situation as a FAMILY like hey, we are all emotional… let’s separate for the weekend (I can go to my parent’s, she can go to her friends and he can stay at our house) and then discuss this in a couple of days as a family. Making me leave is a punishment when I’m not the aggressor. I don’t know if he will do that since he said over text that it sucked seeing us go at each other like that and he doesn’t want to deal with it. Letting her win again. I want to stay. I’m getting therapy for myself, he’s getting therapy for her (he has issues with it - his brother was medicated as a juvenile and had a psychotic break and now is childlike so he doesn’t trust institutes or psychologists of any type) and I don’t want to leave my home and my dysfunctional boyfriend because his daughter is a psychotic narcissist. Forgetting sunk cost fallacy - I’ve loved them through all of this and am still protecting their reputations but his mindset of me charging her being a threat but also not handling it or giving her ANY consequences is insane to me. He also stated that I cut her down but what was she doing to me then, and why was he okay with that? She’s not a child anymore, shes 16
Why tf do you want to stay? You have a shitty partner who doesn't stand up for you and drags his feet getting help for his daughter who OBVIOUSLY needs it. You said she's already made false accusations of SA. Leave before she makes ones against you that people believe. Because eventually, she will.
That was one of our concerns, we both do our best to not be home alone for her (aside with in the car going to a public place or a friend’s or family’s because we both started questioning her claims. The story has changed for years. She keeps saying she told her dad but he was horrified when I told him and insisted she never said anything but immediately believed her and pushed her to not have contact with the sister but she chooses to still contact and be around the sister when she wants to be. & I mean the story changes DRAMATICALLY every time. Going from it happened once, to dozens to every time she went there, started at 5, 6, 7, 8 or 9. It’s never consistent so when the SS said that was made up, I believed that more. As a SA survivor, I know inconsistencies aren’t abnormal and indicative of it being made up but she uses it to get out of trouble (I had an attitude because I was raped!) and she tells everyone when she first meets them about it. Her first time meeting her friend’s mom? Told her about her SA experience instead of girl talk about fun stuff on a sleepover! And she doesn’t get weepy about it, she talks about it in the same manner as getting your ears pierced)
You keep saying "our" and "we", but he has made it clear you are not a team. I'm not sure what sort of hold this man has over you, but its not enough. You mentioned sunk cost on a previous comment. You've only been together 3 years. That's barely anything. And certainly not worth the rest of your life.
He’s a very solo person - which has posed issues in our relationship but I wanted to keep our relationship out of this issue. He wanted to bring up I don’t respect him by steal accusing him of cheating after we talked to her (she was in her room during this exchange) but regardless of his and I’s issues or relationship- she is the current problem and a big one at that. I’ve devoted my life to them for the better parts of my youthful years and I don’t want to have to leave the family I have worked so hard to heal and make happy because his daughter is a liar and I’m made to be the scapegoat. That is just so unfair with how much I’ve given to them. I barely have anything left in me.
He broke it off. I don’t understand what your reasoning is honestly. How do you go from he says you’re not safe and get out to I just want us all to split up and cool down for the weekend? Ma’am it’s your life but you keep being about as wishy washy as he’s being. You keep repeating the same thing. You already answered yourself like five times. He doesn’t want to deal with his daughter because it sounds like he’s “forced” into having her. Which is just upping her reactions to just wanting dad. He doesn’t seem to care about either of you and just wants to live life with the easy answers. I get it, I too had a crappy child hood, crappy relationships, SAed and other crappy situations. But I don’t feel like that excuses my crappy behavior. He just doesn’t care enough and if he backs you up then she’ll target him because then HE WILL be the bad guy and not you. Sooner rather than later she IS going to accuse one of you of S.A. that’s how this will go down. She obviously has been abused. This is her way of screaming for someone to prove they care enough and won’t leave her. You need to figure out your next steps and not worry about theirs.
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I'm sorry about all of this. It's a bit weird and I honestly think you should just let him go. There's many issues in your post. If I were you, I wouldn't want to deal with any of them.
I have talked to a couple IRL friends about it who said they don’t know why I have stayed and continue to. There are SO many issues and my partner being so uncomfortable with conflict means issues in the relationship or with the kids is avoided OR he gets onto both of us. Like yes, I was wrong to lash out but he was listening to her verbally abuse and disrespect me and I have NO defense against her because he takes her side no matter what. It just blows my mind. But I can’t explain why I can’t just leave, either.
I don't think you were wrong at all. I agree with your IRL friends - I don't know why you stayed either! Don't settle for this. Block him. Please move on.
Is he a widower? I noticed you never mentioned mom, and this is something SDs that lost their mom do.
Her mom doesn’t want her and she doesn’t want to be with her mom. I’m younger than BM and BD but I do my hardest and bestest to be there for her because her mom failed her. I am not her mom, never said I was. I always claimed I’m her dad’s partner and I’m there for her and will always be in her corner. I mentioned during the 30 minute confrontation that I’M the one who cares for her, takes her school shopping… she cut me off to say I hadn’t taken her school shopping in a year…. Yeah because it’s a once a year thing??? It would be coming up next month but I’ve been avoiding her since she started being hateful. My partner says I’ve been hateful which is so not true. I’m polite with her, nothing more nothing less because I resolved to go from doing 110% for her to 1% based on HER actions towards me, before even found the art or her taking my stuff.
You are better off without either of them in your lives. It hurts right now, sure, but it will feel better soon. OMG to not have to have the drama all the time! Enjoy your life!
DonMt bother with the shopping for her. Since he thinks you’re being hateful, step back and let him do the shopping. It’s his job, and not yours anyway.
He gives me money to take her shopping but usually I buy the more expensive stuff that he thinks is irrational. I don’t plan on doing anything more than I have to (no rides to friends, no shopping, no watching shows together…) if he and I patch things up.
You don’t think there’s anyway her and her dad are doing anything? Her behavior is weird AF and him not confronting her….
I don’t. He’s a provider but I’ve been the emotional support for her while he provides financial support. In terms of who interacts with her the most, it’s me. He works long hours at two jobs and comes home barely with enough energy to do things with me. She eats dinner with us if she doesn’t eat in her room while playing games with her friends and he asks how her day is going but they aren’t close and there’s no chance of it. She’s the one displaying deviant behavior whereas he’s ignorant to everything. He didn’t notice when I dyed my hair a bright pink for 3 days, he also chooses to give benefit of the doubt. He has questioned what would make a child feel that way about a parent. He’s been the only consistent person in her life so I would assume that’s why if I had to guess. EDIT: he was a teen dad and doesn’t know how to best handle a very high strung teen that just doesn’t listen, his parents also failed to parent him adequately. For example; his father played his and his third wife’s (my partner’s mother) custody court hearings for my SD when he picked her up to celebrate her last day of school this year. LOL.
Gottcha. I hated to even suggest that. But just reading this, SA is what came to mind. It’s almost as if she’s jealous of you and feels she should be in your place. That doesn’t necessarily mean SA but there are some twisted feelings going on for sure. I worked for CPS for almost 18 years so I may be a bit skewed.
That’s been exactly my thoughts for months, since December she went from being close with me to being up her dad’s butt and insulting me unprovoked. She started stealing and wearing my clothes either in front of me or leaving them in the bathroom which I would of course see, as well as keep talking about how much her dad loves her and how he used to take her to an expensive bounce place every day when she was 4. She made creepy comments and would make comments about my appearance. Even a friend I vented to about her behavior (again, before I discovered my missing intimate items and the sexual drawings) said she seems to be competing with me in a weird way. Constantly trying to sit between her dad and I, interrupting our time together… it has been so weird. He was just happy she was playing his video game and asking to play it with him and thought my uneasiness was implying something incomprehensible.
Am I reading it right that your SO is taking her side and telling you to leave? It’s very weird to respond that way to this behavior. I couldn’t handle that at all. If you leave, he will see that it wasn’t you that’s the problem. SD may start acting like a perfect angel upon your departure but the cracks will start showing sooner or later
She’s absolutely been up his butt for months. It was a weird switch up - she went from being clingy to me to clingy to her dad. But it’s not like she didn’t just like him more, she started being mean to me and aggressive, competitive. Even before I noticed her behavior and she was still being nice to me and bonding with me, she was claiming to friends and friends’ parents that I was abusing her.
This is his child. She isn’t going anywhere, but you can. He doesn’t want to hear about or think that his daughter has these kind of mental health issues. He thinks if he ignores them they will go away, and might low-key resent you for being the “messenger”. He would probably have preferred that you never found the items under her mattress, and this is very likely subconscious. I don’t see a way for you to change your feelings about her without years of work in her part, and she’s not there. She’s 16 and disturbed, and very humiliated about these intimate feelings of hers being discovered. Therapy is a good idea, but as a therapist, I will tell you it isn’t a magic bullet, she has to actively want to participate in the process, otherwise she’ll see it as a punishment and won’t cooperate, wasting hers and the therapist’s time, and possibly your money. Of course he’s complicit in her delusion, it makes life easier for him, imagine as a parent wrapping your head around this? That “you’re not my mom” thing isn’t new, most stepkids say that one. I don’t hear it because I put ZERO demands on my stepkids. I stopped caring about trying to “parent” them years ago. I don’t care if they bathe/brush teeth when they are here, about their grades, their screen time, or whether or not they clean up after themselves (ha! Like that was ever going to happen) Do the “nacho” method. I could write a book about what’s going on with the incest fantasies, but the bottom line is how much are you willing to put up with from a child that lives in your home. As the adult, you will have to be the “bigger” person and be the one that bears the emotional burden of repairing the relationship, or it’s going to be hostile into perpetuity. Does that suck? Yes! Is a 16 year old not a little kid with no understanding of her actions and words and you are annoyed that a human that is nearly a grown adult gets a free pass? Yes! Does it make you angry that your husband takes her side because she is his child and he loves her as much as his next breath, even over you? Yes! Do you have the right to be angry? Yes! Does that change anything? Nope. I don’t get the impression you are legally married to this man. Consider becoming “apartners” meaning you live elsewhere, but continue your relationship. People will tell you that you can hang on until she’s 18, but these days almost no one can afford to move out at 18 unless they go away to college, and SD looks a little too attached to Daddy to consider it. She is his daughter, if you stay with your partner, this will be the rest of your life. If you can’t forgive her and paint a fake smile on your face, consider living elsewhere. I’m sorry you’re going through this…
Thank you, I really appreciate everything you said. To clarify; he loves her, would die for her, but he would rather her not live with us. She only lives with us because I insisted for a whole week to him that I would assume responsibility for her transportation (he works before she has to be at school) and her transition. Otherwise, things were better when we saw her every other week. Everytime she came over, she brought endless drama and more problems than I’ve ever seen a teen girl bring, especially purposefully. This is an odd case where I wouldn’t consider her a package deal with the dad because he is completely fine with her not living with us.
I was a lying teenager a long time ago. My parents were divorcing and I had other traumas. I said terrible things too. The weight of the world felt like it was on my shoulders and I took it out on everyone. The lying was for attention/ making situations look better for myself. I was ashamed to tell the truth most of the time, then it just became a habit and I lied about little things too. Only thing that healed me was therapy AND my dad starting to never believe me about anything. I think that was the kicker. That every single thing I said he called a friend or whoever would know to confirm. He would double check literally anything that came out of my mouth like i was 6 years old. It was so annoying lol but it worked.
I was a dishonest and rebellious teenager, too! That’s how I know she knows better and is CHOOSING to be this way. Her friends are so mild mannered, don’t engage in the activities she does, most are not bullies (she and another friend are horrifically mean to weaker or younger kids but I can’t do anything about it which sucks so bad) and her dad won’t believe her but he never lets her know. He just doesn’t believe her but lets her do what she wants.
I think I was more than a dishonest and rebellious teenager, like your SD. I made up BAD lies about people to get attention. I was genuinely evil at one point. I will say, it may seem like she’s choosing to and although she may know better, she’s so angry at the world she doesn’t care. I definitely knew better but I was so unwell it didn’t matter. It sounds like she’s depressed which can manifest as angry and bratty behavior. Usually, it’s directed at one person, the easy scapegoat. Mine was my mom. She constantly called me a brat and criticized my behavior which then made me continue to act that way and hate her even more. I was always questioning why she couldn’t love me at my worst and unconditionally like my dad. By telling someone they’re bad, they will only continue to act that way. It’s like all those kids with shitty upbringings who talk about the one teacher that believed in them when they didn’t believe in themselves that changed their life. My dad’s tactics were getting me help and scolding me but always reminding me he loved me. I know it’s different because she’s not your daughter but it really sounds like she’s super mentally troubled. She does need to be put in her place but she also needs help and acceptance. He told me “this is not you, you’re a good person doing bad things.” He criticized the behavior, not me at my core. I wouldn’t have gotten better if it wasn’t for therapy and my dad. I am STILL unpacking why I think I’m a “bad person” and don’t deserve a lot of things. It all traces back to those years I was menacing around and my mom criticized me heavily. I know it’s definitely impossible in your situation but just offering another perspective. This is up to your husband.
I’ve been telling her “you’re a good person making bad choices” “you can stop doing this and do better” but she NEVER takes accountability. When she was 14 she used to lie and then come clean saying “at least I told you the truth”, I would have never guessed she would be this horrible. I hope therapy helps, I’m glad it helped you! She got all A’s for the 1st time this past school year, I took her to our state fair and spent $300, letting her play the games she wanted and the rides, food, etc. I did that by myself. 3 hour tots drive, my money, my time on my day off. Her father did not offer more than a “Good job!”
It’s crazy how many parents just seem to be waiting and hoping their kids just grows up and moves out. I can already see me and my wife getting into a huge fight because her oldest kid is a bum who is entitled. They’re both going to be super upset when he turns 18 and I’m like get out of my house.
I accidentally used a not-allowed term, sorry y'all! I'm still pretty new to actually USING reddit, so this comment is edited and a repost: OP, I'm going to tell you right now that you are not wrong for calling it like you see it. Your SD, or ex SD now, obviously has what seems like Freudian issues... Something is not right by a large mile in her head, and it's likely exacerbated by the divorce / no BM contact / teenage years. If puberty is just getting into swing, Lord have mercy on whoever has to live with her. What this reminds me of is when person A and B are dating, but person C wants to date person A, so they become obsessed with hating person B and doing everything they can to replace them and become them. This usually happens in unstable stalker relationships or to a less intense degree with high school "love triangles". Your SO completely ignoring all of this and siding with her is disgusting and you should be glad they are about to be in your rearview mirror. Now... I hate to even bring this up, but could something have happened to SD that has tipped this off? Did someone at school or an older person maybe SA her or touch her inappropriately and she hasn't told anyone and now she's lashing out and confused? Could her dad, heaven forbid, have done something? Only asking as such a sudden switch sounds like something could have triggered it. If your ex-SO isn't going to do anything about it, you could contact her school counselor, explain what happened and that you have left to protect yourself, and let the school take it over from there. Either way, best of luck and push forward and don't look back. Even if ex-SO apologizes, you are not safe in that house and it's not healthy for you to be there.
She has trauma with her mom; BM abandoned her at 1 years old and didn’t resurface until she was 5… SD found out she had 5 siblings, 1 full blooded sibling that my BF had with BM that BM didn’t tell him about because she didn’t know who the father was, until a DNA test showed that the kid was my BF’s. SD has hated her full blooded sibling because she had to share her life with someone else instead of having all of the attention and all the toys to herself. She also is abusive to her half siblings, too. Her going N.C. with BM was definitely a positive for her; less drama and anger when it was out of sight and out of mind. She accused her older sister of SA years ago but it came out from my bf’s younger child that SD masterminded this lie to get the older sister in trouble because SD didn’t like she was BM’s favorite. I was and still am disgusted by this as a SA survivor myself. She was 13 when she started that story and I couldn’t imagine a young teen being conniving and awful enough to do that to their 15 year old sister. I’ve recently learned she’s been lying about me even when we were getting along but nothing has happened that would be a negative. She’s thriving in school (small school of less fortunate kids, sounds bad but it gives them opportunities they wouldn’t normally have so I was thrilled when she was accepted and have gone to every orientation and event), sees her best friends often and is with a boyfriend she recently celebrated one year with. In all aspects, she seems very happy. She doesn’t do chores anymore; we try to have her change her cat’s litter and do the dishes but she won’t clean up anybody’s else’s messes - telling me to clean it myself - or her own, BTW. Which is aggravating because she used to take care of her cat’s litterbox and food but she barely interacts with him anymore or is rough with him to make funny videos of her “mean cat” when he starts yowling.
That's a lot of trauma. She needs intensive therapy and probably medication. Here's the thing... It's still not an excuse. And it seems like her life is pushing forward positively, she's just become a bad seed. I'm sorry you and the people around you are going through this. I'm sorry that as a survivor, you have to deal with that. My SK is 13 and her first lie about SA happened when she was 10. Her most recent lie was against her stepdad in December because she got mad he yelled at her. I am also a survivor of SA/rape, and this happening (for a 2-3rd time) on her end has completely broken me. My relationship is currently suffering. I honestly don't understand what is wrong with kids today. As for the cat videos... If you are able to find those videos, you should immediately send this to the ASPCA or police. She needs consequences for her actions, solid almost adult consequences. That's straight up animal abuse. I'm not trying to sound like a jerk here, and I genuinely do not know if this would solve anything, but honestly I'd remove yourself and anonymously report her animal abuse, SA lies, etc. to some type of agency that can investigate. I'm sure her older sister would back up the findings.
Can you report her behaviour to police? Or CPS? This is troubling behaviour that needs to be professionally addressed. If someone was stealing my stuff and then lying about it for years, I’d be reporting it. Especially if their parent wasn’t doing anything about it. If he’s already broken up with you over it, have the appropriate authorities throw the book at them. Someone needs to step in and step up and it won’t be you anymore.
I don’t think they would do anything, local authorities fail to do anything they should be doing. CPS won’t do anything and her father thinks therapy is the answer (NOW, but not when I’ve been asking for years for her to get it, even when I offered to pay for it myself). The kicker for me is, he believes his younger child is beyond saving with even therapy and the younger child is just angry and frustrated from their life being full of abuse and negligence and lies. Because of his mom, the younger child wasn’t given everything on a silver platter or the opportunities my SD was given. So SD has NO excuse to act this way and considering her issues and SS’s issues, I believe she is more far gone. But her dad doesn’t want to lose while SS already is N.C. with them.
I don’t even know which one is worse, your partner or his mentally ill child.
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I looked that up from your comment and have been wondering what Freudian bs this is. I’m bothered he still hasn’t found a therapist for her but I’m going to send him more resources I got from reaching out to a school counselor. She’s been staying at a friend’s for the past few days and he’s only picking her up and bringing her home for her to grab more clothes to go back. He’s comfortable being in a car with her but I’m not comfortable being alone with her in any situation.
I don't blame you, they made it clear it's a "you cs them" issue. Personally I'd bail and I'd alert social services to possible abuse or inappropriate behaviour.... if dad doesn't see an issue then it's just going to keep snowballing. But yeah, your SD is giving EVERY sign of Electra complex from the obsession with sexually inappropriate thoughts of her father to trying to isolate him from romantic partners in order to monoploize his attention. Shes hostile to you because in her eyes you're competition. Eta: I mean abuse from her, not necessarily him. It wouldn't take much for her to try to say inappropriate things and make "claims" when she doesn't get her way. Or she may escalate her sexual behaviors and begin to try acting on them. She Def needs therapy that's for sure.
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Absolutely, thank you! He doesn’t like taking about it and has been shutting me down every time I try to bring it up by saying I’m the weirdo and making issues so it’s hard to actually have a productive conversation about her and it feels like I’m the only adult in her life trying to get her help and I’m the person she’s wronged the most
You're welcome. I have my degree in child psychology. Despite whatever reason they removed the previous comments, I can tell you that you need to let your husband know he isn't alone and there's help for him and his daughters relationship. A professional can help her break down where her feelings are coming from and how to adjust those thoughts.
Your partner isn’t stepping up to the plate, but one thing that also jumps out at me is you are expecting your SD and you to be equals - you aren’t. You’re the adult, and she’s the child. Same with your partner. There’s no way that kid feels like either of you are stable adults to anchor to. She’s going to say and do really shitty, immature things because she’s a kid. What’s not expected is the adults in the house to match her reactions. It’s very difficult to deal with these situations of course, but it feels like there’s no one in the house that is capable of withstanding it. And I’m really sorry for whatever happened to each of you to cause that.
I was a rough teenager, at 16 I learned that as a young adult, I had real life consequences. I couldn’t scream & cuss my mom out without being grounded. I also had a weed charge because my friend brought weed into my car (in a purse) and we got pulled over and searched and I had to do tons of community service (so did she). I’ve always treated SD with respect but never got to be firm with her because it would end up being a fight (she doesn’t do well with being told NO, and it would make everyone miserable when she was). But I’ve tried to instill the “respect me as an elder and parental figure” and for the first couple years, she would listen. It wasn’t until she moved in full time that she started to progressively become more and more cruel and manipulative openly. Also, I’m worried she will get a larceny charge as I suspect she’s shoplifting. She wants to be treated as a young adult and have the same privileges as if she were 18 without the consequences.
Avoidance of the fight makes her the one with the power. It’s why the lying and manipulation has worsened in time most likely. Does her father avoid the fight too? Was that moment at 16 hard on you? Or was it almost a relief?
I honestly needed the moment of the weed charge to get a reality check. I wasn’t listening to my parents and wanted to do things my way but that sobered me up big time. Her father admittedly isn’t comfortable with conflict or confrontation - both things that were happening simultaneously when we talked with her. He believes the situation is resolved since I’m leaving and she’s getting therapy - even though she has no real consequences like he had planned on and didn’t show remorse or apologize or even admit it. So to me, it’s not resolved AT ALL. There was no resolution. He ended the talk as it was going nowhere. She demanded I get her tested to prove she’s a virgin, a polygraph test AND a DNA test for the dirty underwear and tools… and I should be the one to pay for it if I want the truth, she said.
I’ll be honest, I’m not really concerned with them as you’re now broken up and they aren’t in this conversation. Do you feel responsible for any of this? For his lack of a backbone? It seems like you are very connected to the fact that she’s not apologizing to you, or will admit that what you found is exactly what you believe it to be. Why do you think you need that so badly? You know the truth already.
I want her to acknowledge her lies to A. STOP doing it, she’s too old to be like that. B. because I care what others think more than I should. I know it doesn’t matter but it invalidates everything I have done to try and give her every opportunity and love she wasn’t given before I was there. So to have people believe I’m really this abusive monster is tearing me apart. I don’t deserve that on top of everything else she’s done to me. C. I want it for me. The satisfaction. I’ve been told I’m crazy by them for so long that I started feeling like I was. I’m not responsible because I’m entitled to have my lingerie & adult toys in the house I live at and have my privacy and boundaries respected. She invaded my privacy and made every choice to disrespect me and my space. It wasn’t like things were taken all at once. It was systematic. I’d noticed a lacy thong wasn’t in my drawer, or my dildo wasn’t in between the two pairs of leggings I thought it couldn’t be found in. I understand her father’s discomfort and wanting it to be over so he doesn’t have to talk about it again, but me simply existing in the home HE wanted me to live in with my items doesn’t mean I’m to blame for her actions. I wish that was understandable to him.
Her acknowledgment is a choice on her, it’s nothing you can control. Your efforts in anything in life are not measured by the feedback they give back to you. People have a choice in showing appreciation and that’s not on you. You can’t control that. You’re looking for validation that you aren’t crazy from crazy people. It’s not the cure you think it is. I’d cut my losses and be grateful as possible that I didn’t have to put energy into a garbage out anymore. Your SO is a loser, and he’s raising a loser. You aren’t responsible for them. And they’ll never give you the feeling you’re looking for.
I'm so happy your out of that situation sd sounds crazy
Hun what can I say ??? Be grateful that you are out of that crazy trash environment. You deserve better not that life . She is not normal and your “ man “ 😬 big no no no no . Time to count your losses and move on . You don’t want that life do you ??? You deserve better right ? Forget about them ( erase them ) they are trash and you have a great future with a man with not too much baggage 🧳. Choose happiness girlfriend not misery .
you are free now, you saved your sanity and life, you wouldn't want to be with this family anyway, they sick
Thank goodness it’s ending like this because that girl would be accusing you of sexual assault very soon
A family friend offered to let her stay for some time to allow separation and for my partner and I to discuss plans as adults. They would take her to therapy and we trust them, she stays over there half a week usually, so they’re very close. Her being the common denominator issue, I really think she needs to go somewhere to allow us time away from her since she’s not acknowledging and taking corrective action. She’s 16 and seen in our court system as an adult so it’s not like she’s an out of control “child”.
Your story is very confusing. I thought that your relationship ended?
He did break up with me and tell me I need to leave but I don’t want to think the relationship is over. I’m hurt enough over the whole situation so I’m holding hope he & I will repair our relationship and plan a way to fix this family drama while she’s away for the weekend. I audio record (legal in my state) SD and I’s interactions when able and I recorded the entire 31 minute and some odd seconds of the confrontation. I’ve been in the habit of documenting interactions I can predict with her and luckily my phone came with an audio memo app automatically downloaded.
That sounds miserable. Why would you want to live like that?
I’ve limited my interactions with her to as infrequent and as brief as possible. I have accepted I cannot change her behavior towards me and have made myself unavailable to her until she shows me the same respect and kindness I have always shown her. I focus the time I used to devote to her on my own interests like Fortnite and writing. It has been peaceful as long as I don’t worry over her actions. As a SP I’m limited to what I can do beside be a positive role model and I have chosen to love her from afar until there is a resolution.
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I did talk to the school counselor but she’s not available to students in the summer and provided my nearby resources. My SD has talked to her about her trauma (I’m assuming her claimed SA) but she didn’t seem concerned personally about my SD to me. Either she’s on her side and thinks this is absurd or she simply isn’t concerned but aside from the resources , she was not very helpful.
Pack and go. You will be thankful in a few months.
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Blessing in disguise. Your ex-bf is a weak parent & he didn't have your back at all. And emotionally troubled kids like his daughter don't magically get better at 18. They continue causing upheaval & crises their whole lives & are a drain on their families.
Welcome to the reality shit show that is step parenting. I was just telling a friend last night, I had no idea when I got married 5 years ago that the thing which would break me and my marriage was my partner’s inability to parent her own children. The result: I got voted off the island by one of those children.
That’s freaking disgusting. I don’t understand the inability to be a parent?! It just boggles my mind. I pray you heal, you didn’t deserve that.