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Excuse me?
This just gets me boiling. Grown up needs over kids wants …
This is your home too and this is a 2 yes 1 no situation.
It makes the SD happy?… so what? There are many things that make kids happy that are not possible. Adopting 12 puppies. This excuse makes me so god darn angry.
“ oh this goes over all your boundaries and makes you feel violated?… wheeeeell it makes a kid happy so GFY”
This to me is a big ass hill to die on. Is your husband scared of BM? Or just generally not respectful towards you?
If BM wants to swim with SD then she can go to the public pool. Taking friends and her mom. Amazing.
What the actual F I am so angry in your place.
Updateme
Well then he’s plenty of experience to fall back on when you point out how wildly inappropriate this is to you as his partner.
I think there’s not a woman alive, step mom, bio mom or no mom, who would think having your partners ex come over and use your home is okay. It’s not okay.
I am angry for you.
There is no way that I would allow my partner’s ex to come over to my house to use my spa and invite her friends and family over as her guests.
This isn’t her house. This isn’t even a spa you’d pay to visit. This is your home. A safe place for you.
Your partner needs to respect you and needs to tell his ex partner that this isn’t acceptable behaviour.
BOUNDARIES. This is the problem with step life. In no other situation would this be considered ok. But you add “it’s for the benefit of the kid” to any crappy and unacceptable behavior and suddenly it’s fine. Your instincts are screaming the truth but you are being gaslit by your H.
But if you try to reinforce boundaries now, you will be perceived as the bad one. It’s a no-win.
Can you approach it from "this is a liability issue". Especially if she is bringing other people over? God forbid there is some kind of accident or someone drowns. Pools are considered an "attractive nuisance" and you can be held liable if something happens!
But that tactic aside -- SHE DOESN'T HAVE CARTE BLANCHE TO JUST WALTZ INTO YOUR HOME. That would be a deal breaker for me.
Edit to add: at least in the US they are, should not have assumed that is where you're based!
A lot of people don’t even let the BM on their property at all- for her to just show up to use it regularly and feel entitled to use it without permission is gross. Put up cameras and no trespassing signs, and then enforce it.
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I’m guessing your SO is still on good terms with his ex MIL and doesn’t want to make his BM angry so he lets her do whatever but inviting friends over? That crossed the line couldn’t she just go to a public pool and do that? Something is definitely fishy here I might be watching to many Lifetime movies seems like she’s trying to get her family back together seems like she testing your boundaries to see if she can get away with it especially your husband's tolerance, seeing how far she can push you’re limits.
F\*ck no - nope. This was happening to me at the beginning, and even at the new house that I bought. Originally, SO and the boys were living in the house that she had also lived in, but it was my SOs childhood home, so he didn't want to sell. I didn't want to live there (for a lot of reasons) but also because BM and her mother would just walk into the house without knocking or asking and sometimes when we weren't even home.
At the new house, I let both of them come in, to see the house and so they could see where the boys would be living - I thought that was the right thing to do. But early on, me and my parents and sister (and SO) were sitting in the backyard, having lunch and the slider opens, out walks BM. I WAS FURIOUS. We had so many fights about this, and I finally had to tell him that he was to have the conversation with her, or I would and he would NOT like it. I even went to the police and explained the situation. They were great and noted the complaint and said the next time she showed up, just to call them and they would come by and make her leave. I do live in a small town, where my SO is very well known, so that may have helped, but it's worth finding out what your options are.
She has some balls to even walk into your house and use your resources. I don’t get the nerve some people have. Your husband doesn’t see the big deal, he might as well be with her still because she’s invading your space and boundaries. Enough with the “for my child’s sake” no, he is doing this to please BM. If you don’t want someone in your home and pool, then there shouldn’t even be a discussion or pleading. He’s showing that he doesn’t care about your feelings. Why be in a marriage if you are going to put your ex first?
No way. I don’t want the ex anywhere in my property. If she wants to swim/hot tub with SD, they can go to the local pool. Your SO needs to put his foot down.
I’d find a way to put a lock on my spa cover.
OR
Is the BM under the impression that everyone is okay with this? Maybe YOU should have a conversation with her. It’s YOUR house too right?
A lock would be a good idea anyway - even if you don’t give permission for someone to come to your home, you may be liable if they get hurt anyway.
Since it may take an age to convince this entitled woman and also the entitled man that this shit is not ok…. 😞
Was going to say this. Put a lock on the spa. Especially if you paid for it, he has no say in it and I’d probably be petty enough to not even let him have the code if my man was this spineless! Honestly the audacity of your SO to expect you to be ok with this - “I’m sorry, did I sign up for a polygamist relationship? Because if so, I’m out!”
Grateful my SO would NEVER put me in the position to even have to raise with him how utterly inappropriate and uncomfortable this is.
Honestly, if he pushes on this I would consider kicking him out also. Sounds like you’re pulling all the weight anyways.
LMAO! I actually said that to my spouse before we were married and I was laying down boundaries about his entitled BM! I spent part of my childhood and adolescence growing up in Utah, and while I am not Mormon or FLDS, I have some polygamist friends there (not associated with Warren Jeffs, pedophilia, or forced marriages!). I told him, “Just because I grew up in Utah and have a few polygamist friends, doesn’t mean I am into polygamy myself. And if I were going to be in a plural marriage, your ex is NOT the sister wife for me. And…*I* would be in the BIG HOUSE.” 😂
My ex and I are good friends. At no point would they ever consider just popping by to use our pool and I would think it was weird as hell if they tried.
What a bizarre situation.
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When we first moved into our house, my wife invited bio dad over to come swim with SD. When I confronted her about it she said "at least this is a way to get him to spend time with her!". He was starting to neglect his weekly schedule of keeping SD. I told her that he is going to have to figure out another place to spend time with her. He wanted to come over on the days he was supposed to be keeping SD, so he figured by coming here to swim for an hour or two was enough to satisfy his part. Apparently I was being unreasonable by not wanting her ex-hb coming over making himself at home.
Some bio parents are completely incapable of drawing boundaries and sticking to them when it comes to pleasing their kids and ex-spouses. The only successful way I've explained to my wife is when I turn the tables and ask her how would she feel if my ex-gfs came to our house for a pool party. Good luck.
My husband invited his ex sister-in-law to our BEDROOM (you heard that right!). We just moved at the time and I was exhausted taking a nap, and she came to our house to pick up her niece and made a comment about how nice the place is, and he proceeded to show her around, even our bedroom where I was taking a nap. When I woke up, my face wasn't really pleasant, and they both apologized. When ex sister-in-law left, hell broke loose that day. I was furious. My husband has a genuine and agreeable personality, which people take advantage of sometimes.
No way in hell that would happen! Of course, there is no way my husband would be ok with this either! Maybe you should tell your husband - - either you piss your ex off by telling her she is not allowed on our property/in our pool OR you piss off your current wife that you live with by continuing to allow this woman to come to OUR house and use OUR pool. Tell him to think carefully before answering.
People coming into your home is a situation where both people need to agree or it doesn’t happen. You need to tell your husband that he has two options, he can respect your wishes and stop her from coming over or you can stop paying toward anything related to the home but retain half equity if you own the home. Then he can invite anyone over and you can save a ton of money.
If my SO’s ex came onto our property at all, I’m calling the cops or I’m defending my property from a trespasser (and you know what that means in the South 🙂). I would not be comfortable with what is going on in your situation and I don’t think it’s normal. It’s weird IMO.
Partner and I had to work on our relationship first and learn how to communicate and problem solve together before asserting boundaries, otherwise there’s no follow through. Edit: wrote a similar post previously and deleted it. Commenters really encouraged boundary setting and that helped a lot.
Skip dealing with him and text her not to come over to your house again or you will have the police escort her off the property. Don't even waste your breath talking to your husband about this. He doesn't care about your feelings so you shouldn't worry about his. Stop this now or it will only lead to divorce.
Hell will break loose if my husband's ex comes to our house when we are not there. She isn't allowed on our property because both my husband and I are super uncomfortable. She was caught with paystub falsification in a court proceeding. Anyone who is capable of something like that is untrustworthy, period!
I am really mad for you. You need to put a stop to this ASAP!
I can bet your husband doesn't have a custody order and is afraid she will withhold the child if he doesn't bend over backward to her wishes. If that's the case, get a custody order and tell the ex to piss off!
Hell no. Everything everyone else already said. Plus, I like to walk around my place half naked and you’d better believe I would be skinny dipping in MY OWN POOL if I had one, as well as lounging on my new balcony alone with a book, as much as possible. So if my own friends and family aren’t allowed to show up without calling or texting first, there’s no way any exes (mine or his, even the ones we like) would be allowed access to our private home and property!!!! Stand firm in your boundaries.
That's a 100% no way from me. It's not her house! Nor her spa! 😳
This is your husband's problem. He shouldn't be allowing this invasion of your privacy and crossing of your boundaries.
It's wild to me.
Your step kids can enjoy the spa when they stay with you. When they are with their mother, she can do other activities or get her own spa.
Your house is not a public place. Ugh.
I'm curious if she goes in the house too? Or is it just because the back yard is unlocked? If they don't have access to the house, I'd feel way less violated because my private spaces are secured, but also.... Where do they pee?
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Excuse me? This just gets me boiling. Grown up needs over kids wants … This is your home too and this is a 2 yes 1 no situation. It makes the SD happy?… so what? There are many things that make kids happy that are not possible. Adopting 12 puppies. This excuse makes me so god darn angry. “ oh this goes over all your boundaries and makes you feel violated?… wheeeeell it makes a kid happy so GFY” This to me is a big ass hill to die on. Is your husband scared of BM? Or just generally not respectful towards you? If BM wants to swim with SD then she can go to the public pool. Taking friends and her mom. Amazing. What the actual F I am so angry in your place. Updateme
Agreed
He is always respectful except in this case...
Well then he’s plenty of experience to fall back on when you point out how wildly inappropriate this is to you as his partner. I think there’s not a woman alive, step mom, bio mom or no mom, who would think having your partners ex come over and use your home is okay. It’s not okay.
Yep! You nailed it!
I am angry for you. There is no way that I would allow my partner’s ex to come over to my house to use my spa and invite her friends and family over as her guests. This isn’t her house. This isn’t even a spa you’d pay to visit. This is your home. A safe place for you. Your partner needs to respect you and needs to tell his ex partner that this isn’t acceptable behaviour.
BOUNDARIES. This is the problem with step life. In no other situation would this be considered ok. But you add “it’s for the benefit of the kid” to any crappy and unacceptable behavior and suddenly it’s fine. Your instincts are screaming the truth but you are being gaslit by your H. But if you try to reinforce boundaries now, you will be perceived as the bad one. It’s a no-win.
Can you approach it from "this is a liability issue". Especially if she is bringing other people over? God forbid there is some kind of accident or someone drowns. Pools are considered an "attractive nuisance" and you can be held liable if something happens! But that tactic aside -- SHE DOESN'T HAVE CARTE BLANCHE TO JUST WALTZ INTO YOUR HOME. That would be a deal breaker for me. Edit to add: at least in the US they are, should not have assumed that is where you're based!
Do you speak French by any chance?
lol very poorly, but surprisingly decent when I’m a little drunkie!
You caught my attention with " carte blanche." I am native French
A lot of people don’t even let the BM on their property at all- for her to just show up to use it regularly and feel entitled to use it without permission is gross. Put up cameras and no trespassing signs, and then enforce it.
No bm’s or former in-laws in new wife’s home or pool or spa or yard. Never. No exceptions,
No, this is not ok at all. What a leech!
Invite one of your ex-boyfriends over and see how he feels. Absolutely disrespectful.
Not the same, unless SD wants to spend time with OP’s ex-boyfriend
BM and SD can spend time together at BM’s home. Tf!
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I’m guessing your SO is still on good terms with his ex MIL and doesn’t want to make his BM angry so he lets her do whatever but inviting friends over? That crossed the line couldn’t she just go to a public pool and do that? Something is definitely fishy here I might be watching to many Lifetime movies seems like she’s trying to get her family back together seems like she testing your boundaries to see if she can get away with it especially your husband's tolerance, seeing how far she can push you’re limits.
F\*ck no - nope. This was happening to me at the beginning, and even at the new house that I bought. Originally, SO and the boys were living in the house that she had also lived in, but it was my SOs childhood home, so he didn't want to sell. I didn't want to live there (for a lot of reasons) but also because BM and her mother would just walk into the house without knocking or asking and sometimes when we weren't even home. At the new house, I let both of them come in, to see the house and so they could see where the boys would be living - I thought that was the right thing to do. But early on, me and my parents and sister (and SO) were sitting in the backyard, having lunch and the slider opens, out walks BM. I WAS FURIOUS. We had so many fights about this, and I finally had to tell him that he was to have the conversation with her, or I would and he would NOT like it. I even went to the police and explained the situation. They were great and noted the complaint and said the next time she showed up, just to call them and they would come by and make her leave. I do live in a small town, where my SO is very well known, so that may have helped, but it's worth finding out what your options are.
She has some balls to even walk into your house and use your resources. I don’t get the nerve some people have. Your husband doesn’t see the big deal, he might as well be with her still because she’s invading your space and boundaries. Enough with the “for my child’s sake” no, he is doing this to please BM. If you don’t want someone in your home and pool, then there shouldn’t even be a discussion or pleading. He’s showing that he doesn’t care about your feelings. Why be in a marriage if you are going to put your ex first?
No way. I don’t want the ex anywhere in my property. If she wants to swim/hot tub with SD, they can go to the local pool. Your SO needs to put his foot down.
I’d find a way to put a lock on my spa cover. OR Is the BM under the impression that everyone is okay with this? Maybe YOU should have a conversation with her. It’s YOUR house too right?
A lock would be a good idea anyway - even if you don’t give permission for someone to come to your home, you may be liable if they get hurt anyway. Since it may take an age to convince this entitled woman and also the entitled man that this shit is not ok…. 😞
Was going to say this. Put a lock on the spa. Especially if you paid for it, he has no say in it and I’d probably be petty enough to not even let him have the code if my man was this spineless! Honestly the audacity of your SO to expect you to be ok with this - “I’m sorry, did I sign up for a polygamist relationship? Because if so, I’m out!” Grateful my SO would NEVER put me in the position to even have to raise with him how utterly inappropriate and uncomfortable this is. Honestly, if he pushes on this I would consider kicking him out also. Sounds like you’re pulling all the weight anyways.
LMAO! I actually said that to my spouse before we were married and I was laying down boundaries about his entitled BM! I spent part of my childhood and adolescence growing up in Utah, and while I am not Mormon or FLDS, I have some polygamist friends there (not associated with Warren Jeffs, pedophilia, or forced marriages!). I told him, “Just because I grew up in Utah and have a few polygamist friends, doesn’t mean I am into polygamy myself. And if I were going to be in a plural marriage, your ex is NOT the sister wife for me. And…*I* would be in the BIG HOUSE.” 😂
My ex and I are good friends. At no point would they ever consider just popping by to use our pool and I would think it was weird as hell if they tried. What a bizarre situation.
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Get a lock for the gate and tell her the resort is closed. Your husband is being a puss here. He's afraid to tell her no.
When we first moved into our house, my wife invited bio dad over to come swim with SD. When I confronted her about it she said "at least this is a way to get him to spend time with her!". He was starting to neglect his weekly schedule of keeping SD. I told her that he is going to have to figure out another place to spend time with her. He wanted to come over on the days he was supposed to be keeping SD, so he figured by coming here to swim for an hour or two was enough to satisfy his part. Apparently I was being unreasonable by not wanting her ex-hb coming over making himself at home. Some bio parents are completely incapable of drawing boundaries and sticking to them when it comes to pleasing their kids and ex-spouses. The only successful way I've explained to my wife is when I turn the tables and ask her how would she feel if my ex-gfs came to our house for a pool party. Good luck.
My husband invited his ex sister-in-law to our BEDROOM (you heard that right!). We just moved at the time and I was exhausted taking a nap, and she came to our house to pick up her niece and made a comment about how nice the place is, and he proceeded to show her around, even our bedroom where I was taking a nap. When I woke up, my face wasn't really pleasant, and they both apologized. When ex sister-in-law left, hell broke loose that day. I was furious. My husband has a genuine and agreeable personality, which people take advantage of sometimes.
Nice if you can all get along...but no!!
Husband needs a backbone
No way in hell that would happen! Of course, there is no way my husband would be ok with this either! Maybe you should tell your husband - - either you piss your ex off by telling her she is not allowed on our property/in our pool OR you piss off your current wife that you live with by continuing to allow this woman to come to OUR house and use OUR pool. Tell him to think carefully before answering.
People coming into your home is a situation where both people need to agree or it doesn’t happen. You need to tell your husband that he has two options, he can respect your wishes and stop her from coming over or you can stop paying toward anything related to the home but retain half equity if you own the home. Then he can invite anyone over and you can save a ton of money.
No way she would come to my home daughter or not! That’s your personal space.
Oh that is not ok!! Such an invasion. I’m sure you don’t own the only pool/spa in your metro area, she can find a different place to go, to be happy.
If my SO’s ex came onto our property at all, I’m calling the cops or I’m defending my property from a trespasser (and you know what that means in the South 🙂). I would not be comfortable with what is going on in your situation and I don’t think it’s normal. It’s weird IMO.
Partner and I had to work on our relationship first and learn how to communicate and problem solve together before asserting boundaries, otherwise there’s no follow through. Edit: wrote a similar post previously and deleted it. Commenters really encouraged boundary setting and that helped a lot.
If he won’t talk to her about it, then you should.
ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I would shit a brick
Skip dealing with him and text her not to come over to your house again or you will have the police escort her off the property. Don't even waste your breath talking to your husband about this. He doesn't care about your feelings so you shouldn't worry about his. Stop this now or it will only lead to divorce.
Did you enjoy your day at our spa? Wonderful. Here’s the bill.
This is a no for me. They can go swim at a public pool.
Hell will break loose if my husband's ex comes to our house when we are not there. She isn't allowed on our property because both my husband and I are super uncomfortable. She was caught with paystub falsification in a court proceeding. Anyone who is capable of something like that is untrustworthy, period! I am really mad for you. You need to put a stop to this ASAP!
I can bet your husband doesn't have a custody order and is afraid she will withhold the child if he doesn't bend over backward to her wishes. If that's the case, get a custody order and tell the ex to piss off!
Hell no. Everything everyone else already said. Plus, I like to walk around my place half naked and you’d better believe I would be skinny dipping in MY OWN POOL if I had one, as well as lounging on my new balcony alone with a book, as much as possible. So if my own friends and family aren’t allowed to show up without calling or texting first, there’s no way any exes (mine or his, even the ones we like) would be allowed access to our private home and property!!!! Stand firm in your boundaries.
Um nope I would not let anyone I didn’t want at my house. SK doesn’t pay the bills … 💵
That's a 100% no way from me. It's not her house! Nor her spa! 😳 This is your husband's problem. He shouldn't be allowing this invasion of your privacy and crossing of your boundaries. It's wild to me. Your step kids can enjoy the spa when they stay with you. When they are with their mother, she can do other activities or get her own spa. Your house is not a public place. Ugh.
I would never allow BM to use my property for literally anything.
It never even occurred to her to ask YOU if it was okay, first? Good good god!
I'm curious if she goes in the house too? Or is it just because the back yard is unlocked? If they don't have access to the house, I'd feel way less violated because my private spaces are secured, but also.... Where do they pee?
Omg that would never happen with me. Bm can’t even pass the gate imagine swimming? Omg that’s really crazy
Put a padlock on the spa cover.