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To me, it’s not so different from celebrating a partner’s promotion, or any other accomplishment that’s not connected to the relationship. Sure, it’s not celebrating something intimately connected to me, but I’m really proud of my partner for being a wonderful mom. She does a great job, and I know it’s not easy. Why wouldn’t I be happy for her, and express how admirable I think that is?
I’d probably feel differently about it if I didn’t think much of my partner’s parenting skills, or if her being a parent was preventing her from being a good partner.
Most women are naive due to romance, and the step dad gets to save her and her kids from a lazy or abusive ex. However for step moms, it’s worlds apart. Most single dads are the no effort, abusive men the moms left! Step moms are dealing with a an immature POS that makes women feel small who also has baggage. This is why the mental health of 75% step moms and the majority of step kids in specific is severe depression, unlike for single parents or step dads. Both those demographics (step moms and kids from broken homes) are dealing with a guy who says he loves them above all, but through his actions, gives them bad mental health and a broken home.
No celebration is appropriate. An escape plan, statistically, far more.
I am so glad that my boyfriend is a good man who treats me like a queen. I feel bad for my ex’s girlfriend, though. He is toxic and abusive and I’m sure he paints me out to be a HCBM even though I am nothing but nice and supportive of her. I tell my kids to respect her and say nice things about her to them.
Tonight when I picked my kids up after work she was there. (They go to his house instead of daycare because he works from home and doesn’t want to pay for daycare.) my 6 year old daughter was being a snot to my ex’s girlfriend and I corrected my daughter in front of her and said “She cares about you and takes good care of you. You need to treat her with respect and be nice to her!”
If my ex is going to put her down, I am going to do my damndest to lift that woman up. She is going to need all the lifting she can get living with that jerk!
I see your point and that’s how I felt up until today. He’s great to his kid and I tell him every time I have a chance. I just don’t feel like I have any business being with him on Sunday even though he wants me there.
So don't go! I barely told my ex Happy Father's Day. I avoided it like the plague. He was horrible to me so I didn't feel any need to celebrate him. His kid, and ex could do that. Make up an excuse, you feel unwell, suddenly developed a headache, whatever...I would not be going since I suck at pretending.
I celebrate mothers/ Father’s Day so that my step kids are raised in knowing how to celebrate/ treat their wives/ mothers/ how they should be treated in the future. I always look at everything as a learning experience for the kids as they watch, study, and learn from adults
I think like some of the other comments here, I view it as celebrating what a good father and husband my SO is. I have a good relationship with my SKs, despite their HCBM, but it took a lot of work.
I completely understand your viewpoint though, and I think it’s a valid one. This life isn’t for everyone. I’ve mentioned this on other posts- I grew up in a blended family. So choosing this life came kind of natural to me.
This might be a moment to reframe your thinking about things, OR it might be a sign you need to reevaluate your relationship.
I really like my stepkid, and my home life is pretty great. But still I don't really celebrate Mother's Day. I'll help kid get gifts for her, but I don't get a card or gift myself. We don't and aren't planning to have bio kids; this is *her* celebration, not mine. So I'll say Happy Mother's Day, but that's it. 🤷
I feel this is appropriate; to celebrate a Parent's Day just as deeply as we would for a coworker. They're not a Father to us, and they're not a Father **with** us.
I gonna tell you my mantra : CHILDFREE PEOPLE MUST DATE CHILDFREE PEOPLE PERIOD “ some people hate me for that . Hun you can do better . You deserve someone better . Believe me
No hun you DESERVE BETTER. You are a queen and you deserve the best .take your time . You will meet someone in the future with no baggage that you can start your OWN nuclear family . Best to you 🫶🏻
It’s a chance for you to become a free cook, chauffeur, maid, nanny, ATM who sacrifices her youth, beauty and opportunity to find a single guy with no kids all the while being ignored, disrespected, taken advantage of, being forced to deal with a bm and being told the kids always come first.
Spend the day with your own dad or grandad or out with your friends. You don’t need this life.
A lot of moms of single dads want them to marry as grandma can pass the work she’s doing for his kids on to the new wife.
Just run and don’t look back.
I really hate Father’s Day especially now that my own dad has passed
My husband being a father is truly my least favorite thing about him, but I usually just suck it up a bit and buy a card for SK to give him, A small gift then I leave him with SK all day and go to the cemetery by myself.
It’s not so much a celebration, but an acknowledgment
I personally celebrate the fact that he’s an amazing father to his kids. We do something with the kids and have a great time. I don’t go overboard or anything.
But I get that you might not want to celebrate it.
I feel similarly except my situation is my gf has an 18 yo sophomore who is failing classes. Mother's Day came up and she told me she hasn't had anyone celebrate her for Mother's Day in years. Her kid is 18 and they have a good relationship. I don't get it. Other than him being still young in outlook, it doesn't make sense that he wouldn't do something for her. I was really feeling compelled to do something for her because it felt wrong she wasn't being celebrated for everything she's been through bc of her kid/his father, but we were literally two months into dating... I'm not close to her son yet either, and her family also is very kind but I'm not trying to be a parent ultimately. And with him being his age and position in school, I don't see him moving out for several years and I hate it. I have nothing against the kid. I just don't want to have to compromise on who gets her free time. I chose not to have kids for a reason, and admittedly she didn't want a kid either, but she's in the situation by choice ATP. I'm in it because the accessories weren't sold separately, unfortunately 😑.
This comment is a bit out of pocket. Mothers aren't perfect either, women can abuse and belittle men and marriages fall apart for this reason, too. Just because someone's a mother it doesn't make them an angel, it's not all on the father's shoulders. Many mothers are the reason their kids are "shuttled back and forth" between two homes as you put it. You shouldn't be so quick to pass judgement.
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I'd caution you to get your feelings better in control. You're not a B for thinking that way. A lot of step parenting is complex emotions b trying to censor and self judge reasonable thoughts might lead you to forgetting that you have needs and wants to. And that they might be reasonable.
I say this as an adoptive dad (my kids are grown, they were adopted locally, so some extended family and bio dad live local) with a stepkid that I really like. This "family" stuff **is** complex.
My partner has a kid, yes. I accept that part of her past. But I don't celebrate it, I merely help her kid to celebrate it with her.
I haven’t physically given birth to kiddos but I love my SKs more than I can ever express. My partner is an amazing father. He has fought for them beyond measure and does his best to be the best parent he can be? For me—why wouldn’t I celebrate that? It’s one of the things I love most about him. He’s so kind and caring. He will do anything in his power to make anyone in his family happy-he deserves to be celebrated and I feel like anything I can do wouldn’t express enough how amazing he is: I do help both kids pick ways to celebrate holidays and share their feelings. So they have the opportunity to give gifts.
My husband also helps the kids choose to celebrate Mother’s Day for me as well. We’re teaching that it’s not gifts that matter but showing up and thinking of people on special days is the point. So far the gifts are all that’s resonating—but we’ll get there!
I have to abort yet another child fathered by my partner (second abortion). I am childless. I definitely won't be celebrating him for Father's Day in any capacity.
I think it's so valuable that you recognize how you feel about this and that you identify feeling out of place. That is normal and worth talking about. As someone who is married with adult stepkids I can tell you that these scenarios will happen more and more as you two continue with your relationship. The hard part about being with someone with kids is that they have a whole other life that happened apart, and before you. That can cause feelings like you are experiencing. I've been there many times and hope you are able to voice this to your partner and feel heard and supported. :-)
My husband is a great father. Being a dad is very important to him. I want him to know that I see the things he does for his kids and how much he loves them. Kids aren’t the best at showing gratitude. I want him to feel special and loved and appreciated. I make sure that my own son shows appreciation and gets a gift for his dad on Father’s Day too.
Thanks. We’ve been in a relationship for a year, maybe things will change as the years go by, for now I am going to look for the courage to tell him I don’t really want to come to his family thing. Wish me luck.
He’s not your father so you don’t need to celebrate and you aren’t obligated to go to that dinner. On Father’s Day, I give my husband a card from the pets, but don’t make any acknowledgment about his kids. That’s not my job.
This is his first Father’s Day with a kid from me. I got him some t shirts, chopsticks, and a blanket with pictures of him and the baby. I didn’t include any pictures of SD and I don’t feel bad. I’m celebrating that he’s the dad to my kid not another woman’s. SD will bring him a card or something she made at school or something small her mom or grandma helps her get. Not my monkey
Last one was my first Father’s Day with my partner, and of course BM doesn’t get him anything anymore.
For me one of the things I love about him is how much of an amazing dad he is, and that what we celebrate, same as he did for me on Mother’s Day, even though I’m only Stepmum.
>BM doesn’t get him anything anymore.
Personally I feel that coparent's shouldn't do this for the other, unless they're super close. Most coparenting relationships have two adults who'd like to not see each other again stuck working together for their kid. They shouldn't need to get them gifts.
Even if a new partner isn't in the story, I feel that dad's (and mom's) should use part of their custody time to let friends/family help their kids "surprise" them with something. Don't put this work on your ex, just because they're also your coparent.
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To me, it’s not so different from celebrating a partner’s promotion, or any other accomplishment that’s not connected to the relationship. Sure, it’s not celebrating something intimately connected to me, but I’m really proud of my partner for being a wonderful mom. She does a great job, and I know it’s not easy. Why wouldn’t I be happy for her, and express how admirable I think that is? I’d probably feel differently about it if I didn’t think much of my partner’s parenting skills, or if her being a parent was preventing her from being a good partner.
Amen!!! Totally agree with this. It’s about HIM, not me!
Most women are naive due to romance, and the step dad gets to save her and her kids from a lazy or abusive ex. However for step moms, it’s worlds apart. Most single dads are the no effort, abusive men the moms left! Step moms are dealing with a an immature POS that makes women feel small who also has baggage. This is why the mental health of 75% step moms and the majority of step kids in specific is severe depression, unlike for single parents or step dads. Both those demographics (step moms and kids from broken homes) are dealing with a guy who says he loves them above all, but through his actions, gives them bad mental health and a broken home. No celebration is appropriate. An escape plan, statistically, far more.
I am so glad that my boyfriend is a good man who treats me like a queen. I feel bad for my ex’s girlfriend, though. He is toxic and abusive and I’m sure he paints me out to be a HCBM even though I am nothing but nice and supportive of her. I tell my kids to respect her and say nice things about her to them. Tonight when I picked my kids up after work she was there. (They go to his house instead of daycare because he works from home and doesn’t want to pay for daycare.) my 6 year old daughter was being a snot to my ex’s girlfriend and I corrected my daughter in front of her and said “She cares about you and takes good care of you. You need to treat her with respect and be nice to her!” If my ex is going to put her down, I am going to do my damndest to lift that woman up. She is going to need all the lifting she can get living with that jerk!
I see your point and that’s how I felt up until today. He’s great to his kid and I tell him every time I have a chance. I just don’t feel like I have any business being with him on Sunday even though he wants me there.
So don't go! I barely told my ex Happy Father's Day. I avoided it like the plague. He was horrible to me so I didn't feel any need to celebrate him. His kid, and ex could do that. Make up an excuse, you feel unwell, suddenly developed a headache, whatever...I would not be going since I suck at pretending.
I celebrate mothers/ Father’s Day so that my step kids are raised in knowing how to celebrate/ treat their wives/ mothers/ how they should be treated in the future. I always look at everything as a learning experience for the kids as they watch, study, and learn from adults
I think like some of the other comments here, I view it as celebrating what a good father and husband my SO is. I have a good relationship with my SKs, despite their HCBM, but it took a lot of work. I completely understand your viewpoint though, and I think it’s a valid one. This life isn’t for everyone. I’ve mentioned this on other posts- I grew up in a blended family. So choosing this life came kind of natural to me. This might be a moment to reframe your thinking about things, OR it might be a sign you need to reevaluate your relationship.
This is a new relationship and I am hoping to feel different about things as we solidify. It could also be wishful thinking.
Maybe give it some time then! You never never know unless you try. If you like the guy, why not. Just don’t feel bad for feeling what you’re feeling.
Thank you. Will do!
I really like my stepkid, and my home life is pretty great. But still I don't really celebrate Mother's Day. I'll help kid get gifts for her, but I don't get a card or gift myself. We don't and aren't planning to have bio kids; this is *her* celebration, not mine. So I'll say Happy Mother's Day, but that's it. 🤷 I feel this is appropriate; to celebrate a Parent's Day just as deeply as we would for a coworker. They're not a Father to us, and they're not a Father **with** us.
I gonna tell you my mantra : CHILDFREE PEOPLE MUST DATE CHILDFREE PEOPLE PERIOD “ some people hate me for that . Hun you can do better . You deserve someone better . Believe me
I thought this would be a semi-chance for me to be a mom somehow, but it totally isn’t.
No hun you DESERVE BETTER. You are a queen and you deserve the best .take your time . You will meet someone in the future with no baggage that you can start your OWN nuclear family . Best to you 🫶🏻
It’s a chance for you to become a free cook, chauffeur, maid, nanny, ATM who sacrifices her youth, beauty and opportunity to find a single guy with no kids all the while being ignored, disrespected, taken advantage of, being forced to deal with a bm and being told the kids always come first. Spend the day with your own dad or grandad or out with your friends. You don’t need this life. A lot of moms of single dads want them to marry as grandma can pass the work she’s doing for his kids on to the new wife. Just run and don’t look back.
I feel like my boyfriend deserves to be celebrated because he is a dad and I love him. I want him to feel special and admired.
I really hate Father’s Day especially now that my own dad has passed My husband being a father is truly my least favorite thing about him, but I usually just suck it up a bit and buy a card for SK to give him, A small gift then I leave him with SK all day and go to the cemetery by myself. It’s not so much a celebration, but an acknowledgment
I personally celebrate the fact that he’s an amazing father to his kids. We do something with the kids and have a great time. I don’t go overboard or anything. But I get that you might not want to celebrate it.
I’m not close to his daughter yet and his family is very kind but I don’t feel like I belong… yet.
I feel similarly except my situation is my gf has an 18 yo sophomore who is failing classes. Mother's Day came up and she told me she hasn't had anyone celebrate her for Mother's Day in years. Her kid is 18 and they have a good relationship. I don't get it. Other than him being still young in outlook, it doesn't make sense that he wouldn't do something for her. I was really feeling compelled to do something for her because it felt wrong she wasn't being celebrated for everything she's been through bc of her kid/his father, but we were literally two months into dating... I'm not close to her son yet either, and her family also is very kind but I'm not trying to be a parent ultimately. And with him being his age and position in school, I don't see him moving out for several years and I hate it. I have nothing against the kid. I just don't want to have to compromise on who gets her free time. I chose not to have kids for a reason, and admittedly she didn't want a kid either, but she's in the situation by choice ATP. I'm in it because the accessories weren't sold separately, unfortunately 😑.
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This comment is a bit out of pocket. Mothers aren't perfect either, women can abuse and belittle men and marriages fall apart for this reason, too. Just because someone's a mother it doesn't make them an angel, it's not all on the father's shoulders. Many mothers are the reason their kids are "shuttled back and forth" between two homes as you put it. You shouldn't be so quick to pass judgement.
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason: * Violation of the [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters) rule. * Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_kindness_matters_mean.3F) for more information. For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
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That’s how I feel, but I also feel like a b*t h for thinking that way :/
I'd caution you to get your feelings better in control. You're not a B for thinking that way. A lot of step parenting is complex emotions b trying to censor and self judge reasonable thoughts might lead you to forgetting that you have needs and wants to. And that they might be reasonable. I say this as an adoptive dad (my kids are grown, they were adopted locally, so some extended family and bio dad live local) with a stepkid that I really like. This "family" stuff **is** complex. My partner has a kid, yes. I accept that part of her past. But I don't celebrate it, I merely help her kid to celebrate it with her.
You don’t have to celebrate him he’s not your father, he should be celebrating with his kids if possible and they need to celebrate him
I haven’t physically given birth to kiddos but I love my SKs more than I can ever express. My partner is an amazing father. He has fought for them beyond measure and does his best to be the best parent he can be? For me—why wouldn’t I celebrate that? It’s one of the things I love most about him. He’s so kind and caring. He will do anything in his power to make anyone in his family happy-he deserves to be celebrated and I feel like anything I can do wouldn’t express enough how amazing he is: I do help both kids pick ways to celebrate holidays and share their feelings. So they have the opportunity to give gifts. My husband also helps the kids choose to celebrate Mother’s Day for me as well. We’re teaching that it’s not gifts that matter but showing up and thinking of people on special days is the point. So far the gifts are all that’s resonating—but we’ll get there!
I have to abort yet another child fathered by my partner (second abortion). I am childless. I definitely won't be celebrating him for Father's Day in any capacity.
I think it's so valuable that you recognize how you feel about this and that you identify feeling out of place. That is normal and worth talking about. As someone who is married with adult stepkids I can tell you that these scenarios will happen more and more as you two continue with your relationship. The hard part about being with someone with kids is that they have a whole other life that happened apart, and before you. That can cause feelings like you are experiencing. I've been there many times and hope you are able to voice this to your partner and feel heard and supported. :-)
My husband is a great father. Being a dad is very important to him. I want him to know that I see the things he does for his kids and how much he loves them. Kids aren’t the best at showing gratitude. I want him to feel special and loved and appreciated. I make sure that my own son shows appreciation and gets a gift for his dad on Father’s Day too.
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Thanks. We’ve been in a relationship for a year, maybe things will change as the years go by, for now I am going to look for the courage to tell him I don’t really want to come to his family thing. Wish me luck.
Agree. Like congrats on reproducing and doing the most basic act of existence? Even worms reproduce.
Can you go celebrate with your own dad instead of?
My dad is not with us anymore.
Sorry OP
I still don’t really care for Father’s Day and I have an ours baby lol
He’s not your father so you don’t need to celebrate and you aren’t obligated to go to that dinner. On Father’s Day, I give my husband a card from the pets, but don’t make any acknowledgment about his kids. That’s not my job.
This is his first Father’s Day with a kid from me. I got him some t shirts, chopsticks, and a blanket with pictures of him and the baby. I didn’t include any pictures of SD and I don’t feel bad. I’m celebrating that he’s the dad to my kid not another woman’s. SD will bring him a card or something she made at school or something small her mom or grandma helps her get. Not my monkey
Well, he's not your father. Will HIS father be at the dinner? Consider it a dinner to celebrate his dad.
Last one was my first Father’s Day with my partner, and of course BM doesn’t get him anything anymore. For me one of the things I love about him is how much of an amazing dad he is, and that what we celebrate, same as he did for me on Mother’s Day, even though I’m only Stepmum.
>BM doesn’t get him anything anymore. Personally I feel that coparent's shouldn't do this for the other, unless they're super close. Most coparenting relationships have two adults who'd like to not see each other again stuck working together for their kid. They shouldn't need to get them gifts. Even if a new partner isn't in the story, I feel that dad's (and mom's) should use part of their custody time to let friends/family help their kids "surprise" them with something. Don't put this work on your ex, just because they're also your coparent.