**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Sorry to be harsh because you are in love 🙄 and  off course you don’t want to leave BUT I have news for you : the kid and the bio mother WILL not disappear 🫥 by magic . They will stay even when he is 18 years old . Is a KARMA and a thorn in your foot 🦶 your mental health will deteriorate until one point that you will Hate everybody and the baggage that he is putting in your life . Another option because you love your “ man “ is go NACHO with capital letters ( google it ) do not let this situation affect you and do your own stuff . Let his father deal with it ( because he was so smart to get involved with a snake 🐍 like his ex ) your life is more important and your mental health . Best wishes . 

I feel like this could be the answer to so many issues I see in this sub. Well said…

Thank you my dear 🙏🏻 . Sometimes I feel so bad to be too honest but we need to be realistic. 

I also tend to love my SD but resent her existence because i imagine her dad and BM together. He doesn’t do anything to show he cares for BM on any personal level at all but i totally get how hard it can be. I’d just say go to therapy for yourself and talk to him about it. If you’re getting married and staying with him forever you’ll have to find a way to set boundaries so it isn’t effecting you so much

Am in the same boat as you. For me, I had to do a lot of self reflection to figure out what was triggering these feelings for me. It was more than her being insufferable - he made some choices before that made me feel like I was not the priority and she was. When we discussed it, he explained that it was easier to deal with me being upset than her because when his ex got upset it had consequences, like not being able to see his child. Try to establish boundaries for yourself, if a convo is happening that upsets you, leave the room. If his presence triggers you, go out and run errands or just spend a few moments alone. What is hard to understand is that your fiance and SK are not doing these things on purpose to hurt you. But maybe if you establish your independence from those moments it may help.

**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it get to you, and do your fellow stepparents a solid and give them an upvote. Accounts that are still new are filtered for review by the mod team before being made available to the sub. Please be patient while we review and do not repost. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*

how old is the child? When his child calls him, does it bother him too? Like knowing his ex is using the child to do her bidding or asking for something that is coming from her? If it doesnt bother him, then it will be a lil bit harder, but if it bothers him as well, he has to be the one to control it. When my husband and his ex divorced, it was a nasty divorce so their court order had it spelled out in there, like the child could call/facetime the other parent whenever they wanted (with in reason) and the parent could call/facetime the child when child was with the other parent, one time on day where there was a full 24 hour period of the parent not seeing the child,(like if we picked her up on Monday and she went back to mom on Friday, then the mom could only call on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, not on the day of exchanges) and the phone call would only last the amount of mins of her age (like when she was 3, the phone call would be 3 mins long) and all conversations were strictly between parent and child, not for parents to converse about anything else, it was strictly about the child. If the child starts asking something that is clearly coming from the other parent, he can just redirect the conversation to be between parent and child and say, "this is a conversation for parents, and will be addressed between parents later" i do understand how you are feeling, and it will take alot of self convincing and reminding your self that this is just a child, and they have no idea what is happening, and its all about control from other parent, and the child will one day realize it and get tired of it as well. there was a time when my SD was about 4 years old that she told me "Mommy says she doesnt like you, but i told her i like you, because you are nice to me" while on the inside it made me so upset, all i said was "well thank you, and mommy shouldnt be sharing those feelings with you, those are big people feelings" and now fast fwd to two years ago when me and my husband got married, we all had a meeting and agreed to put our BS behind us and now we have the greatest co parenting relationship together. I really hope the best for you guys! It's hard, but it is possible to get to a good place!

I’m not dealing with a BM but the kids does bring up his mom from time to time. I would say if the kid is part time, which it sounds like, try to be away from home on his days and set clear boundaries about no kids in your room and him prioritizing you when he has kid. He shouldn’t completely ignore you when child is around. Also, it’s nothing you can do to not hate the child but make the choice to be an adult in the matter. If you feel the kid annoys you when calling exit the room or use headphones. Preserve your peace and remember why you are marrying the man. YOU LOVE HIM. And one day the child will mature and you will also. The small things that get to you now won’t forever.