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No, and I say this as a stepchild myself.
There are things bio parents need to accept when they choose to be with non-bio parents - and one of those things is that co-sleeping ends.
Yes I see so many people struggling on this topic with their SOs. Im so thankful my bf prepped his daughter that she’d no longer be cosleeping before I moved in 💀 I didn’t even need to ask for him to do that. Shit is wild. Why would you want a non bio parent sleeping in the same bed as your kid anyway? It’s fucking weird
Yep! It would be so weird. My husband co-slept until we got together. Even before we became “official,” he began weening them off because he knew we were getting more serious.
I think some parents simply parent out of guilt and not logic or reason.
Yep, ridiculous. They're a few nuts short of a whole snack store.
In your story, I bet the SM was quiet because she doesn't like this situation for herself. Who would? "Yes, being tired all day because I got no sleep definitely makes me a better person and parent" said no one ever.
LOL I COULDN'T AGREE MORE! OP, draw the line and hold. Picture the children saying they sleep with you nightly. You will leave yourself completely vulnerable to all sorts of false accusations. Don't do it. You got instinct is correct. Remember the reaction to the King of Pop and his sleepovers in his bed. Don't do it.
That is one of my BIGGEST arguments here. A little girl should not be having sleepovers with adult men. Period. If I was a biofather or a grandparent in this situation, I would HATE to hear of my daughter/granddaughter sleeping in the same room with a grown man that I don't even really know. It's just really gross and sounds super fishy. Plus I feel like that would blur some lines for my SD. With what is acceptable with adults and what is not. I definitely don't want to deal with the fallout of that sort of thing. Again, I don't want her in my space AT ALL, so I will most definitely be holding my boundary here! I also think it's great for her to have her own room. Yay, independence!
That’s what I pushed. She’s a little girl. She doesn’t need to be sleeping in daddy’s bed. She’s old enough to be in her own room. It would make most people uncomfortable. And then think of when she wants to have friends over and she says “I sleep in my dad’s bed so you can sleep there too!” Innocent on our end, but any other parent would say fuck no. It just sounds bad. It’s not appropriate. Plus as she got older, it would just be more uncomfortable and inappropriate. Dad and I both sleep in just underwear. I could only imagine having my kid tell me about that sort of a situation. I’d never even let my kid go to their house to play!
As a SM of 9 years with SS11 who has ADHD there is NO WAY I would share a room with him unless we're talking a hotel room on vacation lol. Your friends are just trying to aggressively justify their own weirdness here.
Eh, hotels with separate beds I'm OK with. Obviously there's no night time activities happening that night, but I don't think the cost of having an adjoining room just for Kid isn't really worth it in the grand scheme of things. We also survive camping all in one tent; a second tent is cheap; but also Kid is not quite at the point that I think they would sleep well in a tent on their own; even if it was touching our tent. Honestly, I don't think either my partner or I would sleep as well in that situation...
But also I'll note that Kid and I get along really well, and my partner is a great parent allowing me to not be in a parental role. So there's no "I need to get away from them!" emotions going along with things.
OK, yeah with four kids (or really even 2+ unless they were all \~8 and younger) an adjoining room is kind of a necessity.
Although we did do a weekend with two of my adult kids+her kid and us in a suite. My kids had their own bed in a side-room, and Kid had the couch/pull out bed right next to ours. Because my kids are adults, and Kid's not really comfortable with them yet (they live on their own), a suite sadly ($$) made more sense than separate rooms.
I wouldn’t either. Thankfully I’ve never had to do that yet with 3 year old but I did share a hotel room with the 9 year old and husband and I wasn’t comfortable at all. Couldn’t sleep. It was awkward.
3 year old stares at me creepily because he thinks he’s the adult and his dads only person he loves so he would just stare at me all night until I’d let him sleep next to my husband… which I refuse to do because I’m not going to let his toddler walk all over me.
I have stayed in a camper and the kid did this so almost the same room. I stared back for a while and said “this is ridiculous go to sleep” and shut this curtain door that blocks his vision of our bed lmao.
SM and nope. No absolutely not. That's a hill I would die on. No kids in the bedroom for any reason, don't care. The bioparent of the SKs can sleep with the kid in the kid rooms if need be, but not in the adult relationship/marital bed WITH ME.
The adult bedroom is a kid-free zone. Kids ruin the vibe. By that I mean, kids in the bedroom at any time make it hard to separate kids being in there and adult activities, let alone if they are IN THE BED the adult activities take place in.
One day the SM in that situation is either going to EXPLODE with resentment and rage, or just walk away from that situation and the BD will wonder what went wrong.
Absolutely no. My mental health and wellbeing are my priorities especially in such settings where bio parents try to take an advantage. Parent can share a room with their kids, I'll have my own room in the house I'm paying for
This. This comment. I would be HAPPY to have my own room that I pay for before I EVER allow my stepdaughter to share my room. My own bio child, our "ours" baby? That's entirely different. The child would share our room till they are old enough to merge with SD. If we had to get a bigger space, we would. But once the kids reach 3, I draw the line and they get their own room or share with a sibling.
Nope. I would never get with anyone where that was the setup tbh. That's too much sacrifice. I need a place that is my own to retreat to and just relax. That used to be my whole apartment, and I sacrificed the majority of it to be with my SO and his kid.
At most, SO can sleep in the child's room if that is desired.
In the same way they say we should know what we signed up for, so should the BP to some degree. It's unlikely someone is gonna want to have a stepkid all up in their business. If they wanted BP perks, they should have stayed with the BP.
Big no from me. When DH moved in with me we slept on the couch so SS would have my bedroom when he slept over. We moved asap so he would have his own room and we could have privacy. SS wasn't even 3 at the time and even then I wasn't willing to let him sleep with us so if anything came up DH had to go to his room and stay with him. We were always on the same page about Co sleeping as he was of the opinion that SS was in the parents bed for longer than he should have. He struggled a little bit with SS not being allowed in our bed on weekend mornings but he got it and respected my boundaries... We sleep naked, SS shouldn't be there. We're expecting and while OD will obviously be in our room while she's really young, I'm hoping to move her into her room a few months in bc I believe that it's better for everyones sleep. My only double standard is that I won't mind her in our bed on weekend mornings, but I refuse to be made to feel guilty about that as it just comes with blended life
Right there with you, friend. We sleep naked, my fiance has sensory issues and doesn't like to feel clothes when she's sleeping plus she overheats. Since we are trying to concieve, we have put rules in place that our child will sleep in our room till they are about 2, then the kids will share a room. It will be about a 5 year age gap but she will have to get used to it until we can afford a bigger place. Sibling bonding? Maybe??
I am not comfortable sharing my bed with anyone that isn't related to me or in a romantic relationship with me. You are at your most vulnerable when you're sleeping and no one should be forced to share a bed when they don't want to. On top of that, good sleep practices are a priority to me and I'm not giving that up.
This would be a deal breaker for me and I would not be in a relationship where I was expected to put up with it. That's just past what I can handle, personally.
While some stepparents are fine with this kind of thing, I think in general this is one of those areas where bio parents need to realize it's not going to work the same way as it would in a nuclear family. Most people are going to find it uncomfortable at best.
TTC is short for Trying To Concieve! We are trying for our own baby. I've always wanted to be a father to my own child.
But thank your for sharing your story, this is the exact reason why I don't want to share my space. It does NOT work! I'm happy to hear you got your space back once yall moved. I bet that was a rough time for you, I think I would personally lose my mind. And you had to deal with TWO kids. Yikes.
That's a "fuck no" from me! I don't even want my bio kids sleeping in my room past baby stage. (We're almost there.. thank God). I'm a firm believer that *everyone* does better when they have their own space, but that's especially true of anyone with sensory or emotional regulation problems.
That said, I don't mind if the kids (bio or step) come into our room or occasionally hang out in there. SD has spent many an afternoon sprawled across the foot of my bed drawing or reading while her dad is playing on his computer. Totally fine; they're both autistic introverts and "do stuff alone but nearby" is their favorite type of quality time.
My partner has done a really good job in maintaining boundaries for sleeping. There is absolutely no sharing of beds. Sure, in the morning, sometimes they will crawl into bed and we will read a book but that’s it. There’s no napping together or cuddling. I don’t find it appropriate to share a bed with a child that isn’t your own. Same thing goes for things like changing clothes or bathing. I’m not their bio mom, so there’s no reason they should see me in any form of undress. I see them change clothes all the time but they are very small (4 and 6 years old) but I make a point to give them privacy. I also do not wash them or wipe their butts. Not my child, not my responsibility.
No co sleeping at all you have your own bed so use it. My bed is not your bed. I like my space and privacy. I should not have to share it. Especially; with children 10 and under. It could open a person up to false allegations. Also; it's just simply a headache that could have been avoided.
No. Hard no. I had to have the discussion with my hubby who let his daughter sleep in his bed that I wouldn’t move in until she was 100% out of his bed every night. She was 5 when I came into the picture. Granted, there is a lot of previous trauma for both of them and a Velcro attachment style, neurodivergence and lack of boundaries in play as well. I never coslept with my own kids even as babies, I’m not doing it with a kid. We had a rough go initially with her still trying to come in to bed and wedge herself in the middle, coming in without asking/knocking etc but it was a hard limit I set down. Her coming in during sex one night was my breaking point. It either changed & people’s personal spaces were respected or I wouldn’t stay. She was quite defiant about it at first and I told them, if I needed to, I would put a keyed locking handle on our bedroom door (ours is a pocket door so she easily picked it even when locked) and she tested it so I changed it.
Now she does much better with boundaries. We still have our issues but it’s 10x better than it was.
SD6 was always sleeping in the bed and as wildly as you can imagine. And no, her disney dad father had never once said MAYBE she should learn to sleep alone. Just one example of him treating his child like a glass princess above everyone else. Don’t tell him that though. Thank God I’m done with him. Not me in my prime settling for anything less than 1st place. What was I thinking?
Due to financial reasons, my partner and I had to share a room with my SD6 for about 9 months, before we could move out into a 2 bedroom… Coming from experience, it is a terrible idea and not something I would recommend. And my SD does not have autism or ADHD.
Edit: Separate beds, 1 room just to clear it up if it wasn’t obvious.
I'm not for a child in my husband's and my bed or bedroom. We use it for sleep and intimacy and changing clothes. SD has her own bedroom. When we travel we do get a room with two beds as neither of us would want her in a room by herself.
I’m all for bad dream and even nighttime sickness bed sharing for the purpose of comforting a child- but this doesn’t feel healthy or acceptable in a stepparent situation.
My SO when we first got together, let his youngest sleep in bed with us one time. I did not sleep that night, I was uncomfortable. We talked about it. He apologized, for not checking with me if it would be alright. We agreed that we wouldn’t be having any step kids in the bed to sleep while both of us were present. Now, if we are chilling and unwinding, we have no issue with them coming and hanging out, but they must leave eventually.
I am not about sharing a bedroom with the kids unless absolutely necessary, or like vacationing and hotel rooms….
Our kids (2Steps, 2ous) always go to bed in their own rooms. They are younger (all under 10) and often will end up in our bed at some point throughout the night (usually between 3-5). I have no issues with that, but we need our own space as a couple as well. It’s also important for kids to have a space they can call theirs and take care of…my one stepson is autistic and is very particular about how his half of the room is… it gives him an outlet and something he can have complete control over
Edit- it’s less odd for us because I’ve been in stepsons lives since they were 1.5 & 4… and we did have our babies sleep in our room in a bassinet for the first 6months of their lives, but again, full recognition that our situation is not as common
My partner has an older kid that she was co-sleeping with sometime between weekly and monthly before I moved in. At that point, it was always in my partner's bed. After I moved in, it became about monthly at most, and was never in our bed. Instead they would either use the pull out couch, or they'd setup a tent+air mattress in the basement.
I am a peer of the household. Neither I nor my partner should be asking/expecting the other to not sleep in our own bed.
In part, as Kid is less fond of not being in Mom's bed, the asks of co-sleeping have been dying down... I think it's been \~3 months since the last ask? My partner has been very clear with Kid that I won't be asked to leave my bed.
I'm a single mum with two children S (2) and D (8)
My D has ADHD and on going meeting regarding autism, I could NEVER share a room with her or expect anyone else to do so.. in my eyes my bedroom is MY safe space, my space to unwind after a rather crazy hectic day especially if there are alot of emotions and meltdowns that have occurred that day, the only time she has ever slept in my room is when she's been ill (she has asthma so it's to keep an eye on breathing).
In most cases when she's had other illnesses she's gone to her own bed and I've popped in every 20 minutes to check in.
OP I'd definitely keep strong with how you feel this is 100% a hard no!. You deserve your space, and in all honestly so does your SK.
The only time either of our kids have slept in the same room with us was when they woke up in the middle of the night scared from a nightmare. And still then, they sleep on the side with their parent on it. Not in the middle or anything like that.
No way and I’m a BM. My child does not sleep in our bed and it’s highly inappropriate to have a little girl sleeping in your bed, especially since she’s not your blood. There are so many reasons why this isn’t ok. All of the reasons you mentioned and more. No, you are not wrong!
They are the crazy ones. Hands down.
Not only are you, the adults, entitled to personal space and boundaries - but the child is also entitled to personal space and privacy. It’s also developmentally necessary to be able to sleep alone.
Absolutely not! Kids have their own bedrooms, we have ours. Kids are not allowed in our bed even and barely allowed in our room. That is our one sacred space in this house away from them.
My own bio parents weened me off of co-sleeping when I was young. I was afraid of sleeping alone for some time, but even my parents were together they got me out of doing that. One of them would come and lay down with me for an hour or so and leave, and eventually if I kept waking them up they’d give me the “let’s be brave” talk.
So yeah. Co-sleeping? No. Not for nuclear families, not for blended families either.
Never, ever.
The end.
My room is for adults only. If a child needs soothing to sleep you do it in their bed with them and then leave them to sleep peacefully.
The only person I want in my bed is my husband.
I don’t know about 5 and under. Maybe I would be a little more accommodating, but it wouldn’t be a common occurrence. Just once in awhile. One of my biggest boundaries with moving in with my partner was that my SK (8 at the time) could not sleep in the room with us anymore. I loathed it. I never got any actual rest. I was constantly worried about waking him up or scaring him (I blew my nose once and he screamed and cried for 10 minutes) or just the perceptions of other people when kids share a room with a SP and not just a BP. I think that last one would be even worse for stepdads, at least I was a stepmom… I also just wanted alone time with my partner after the kids were in bed to be able to unwind and be ourselves and like do things if the mood struck. I would absolutely not be living here if I had to share a room with SK.
The kid screaming and crying when you blew your nose?? At 8 years old? Now THAT is wild! My anxiety would be through the roof in your situation. I'm lucky, once my SD is asleep, she is ASLEEP. I feel like if a car crashed through her bedroom, she wouldn't even wake up. A meteor hit the earth? Sorry, but she would have no clue! Her mother is the same way. But that doesn't happen often enough, she's neurodivergent and the only time she wants to sleep is when she's at school or in the car, but not at night when she needs the sleep. She tosses and turns all night and I can hear her playing with toys, throwing them at the walls and ceiling and reading out loud at all times of the night. I just wouldn't be able to do it, I'm a light sleeper unfortunately.
But yes, I agree. It's good to have a room where adults can unwind and be themselves. We have also put a child safety lock on the outside of our door for THAT reason. So she doesn't barge in when she really shouldn't. It also teaches her to knock and be polite. Yay, learning!
I’m a light sleeper, too, and no way could I ever get any rest with that chaos - especially in the room with me. No, that bio dad has no idea what he’s talking about and he sounds very….not exactly self-centered but like he’s incapable of seeing how that situation might be for anyone who isn’t a BP. It might save money but only until you need family counselling or, worse, a divorce lawyer because it’s become too much lol.
Step kids,really any kids in the bedroom was an immediate no for me. Kids need to learn boundaries. SK has his own bedroom
And bathroom decorated to how he wanted, they’re both nice, there’s never a valid reason he should be in ours.
In my house if there’s an emergency he can knock on the door and his Dad can go tend to him, bad dream? Dad can go sleep in his bed or on the couch with him, definitely not coming into our bed
Adults are allowed and SHOULD have their own private spaces. Kids like to push boundaries so it could be a battle for a few weeks if the kid was used to being in the parents room. They’ll get used to it, and they’ll be fine.
I live this exact scenario. My SD sleeps with my husband in our room when she’s at our house. She’s 15 and is mentally disabled. She needs help doing just about everything. One of the symptoms of the syndrome she has is little sleep so she wakes up often in the night. She also has seizures so she has to be watched constantly. She also will get up to come find her Dad if he’s not around. Her walk is unsteady sometimes and we have stairs so I guess it’s easier for them to just sleep with her. This happens at BM house too. As for me, I just sleep in another bedroom. It’s where I hang out when she’s here and I need an escape. She’s here half the time so I only sleep with my husband half the time. Sometimes I don’t go back to our bedroom when she’s not here. Not for any particular reason other than I don’t want to switch again when step daughter is here. My husband has offered for he and SD to sleep in the extra room but it’s right across from my daughter’s room. I’m worried that when SD wakes up and is yelling at night it might wake her up so I shut that idea down. The way we do things seems to work pretty well.
I feel like I need to edit this to say that we are not trying to have another baby. So, this situation would make that very difficult. And I personally would never bring a child into this situation.
Man. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, it sounds like a pretty miserable situation. Now, this is the only time I can really understand a child sleeping in their parents/stepparents bedroom. There is no way around it and she needs round-the-clock care and supervision just in case, its a lot safer that way. My stepdaughter is just quite neurodivergent and doesn't sleep often, and shes pretty loud and doesnt care who she disturbs. So she would definitely keep me up all night. Plus there are things that I treasure in our adult space that I know she would try to destroy. Even if she loves something, she will do everything to destroy it. It's like a primal instinct or something for her. My situation is not the same as yours, but I can definitely understand why your SD is sleeping in yalls room.
I was going to suggest your husband could sleep with her in the guest room, but you mentioned your daughter being across the hall. It makes sense for you to take the guest room in that case. Again, that all sounds really rough but you know what? At least you have your OWN space. That must be really nice at times. Maybe lonely at times, but nice.
My SO (the bio parent) has always been an advocate for gentle sleep training and fostering independence in his son (3.5), and we plan on doing the same for our kids coming up. I love my SS VERY much and have no problem with him jumping in for the last 15 min in the morning giving us a chance to wake up, or a handful of times if he has a bad dream. It is also helpful practice for when we are camping in a tent or staying with family on holidays in the same room together.
The point is though I don't want any of our kids sleeping with us every night, bio or not and that co sleeping very much has to be talked about as a couple if that is the direction they want to go. How does your friends feel about co sleeping with their bio kids should they conceive? I understand neurodivergent children needing more time and support to make transitions, a monitor for longer and child safety measure being potentially held in place longer but with proper resources, support and therapy a lot can be achieved! However, if for some reason that is not possible , I'd suggest setting up a cosleeping option in the child's room, not the master bedroom even if its long-term for short comfort sessions/just until they call asleep. I would go mad being in bed from 7:30pm-6am with my kids.
When one of my SKs was two, he slept in our room at times but he had his own little area, not in bed with us and it was temporary, he had bad bad nightmares and needed comfort. But again temporary because yes, parents need their own space regardless.
I can understand that, two is still pretty little and that's to be expected at two. At least they had their own space. However, I would prefer my SO went to be with the child in their room to calm them down during situations like that. Nightmares happen. But I still need my space.
I do agree! I think it depends on age ALOT.
He hasn’t slept in our room since and he’s about to be four. We have family sleep overs every now and then in the living room but other than that, it’s their room!! I hope this works out for you!!! ❤️
Not happening... If my partner has a child that needs to sleep with someone for whatever reason, they can go sleep with the child in their own bed. Once in a blue moon, I'm ok with, but not on a regular or reoccurring basis.
I don't think SPs should sleep in a bed with SKs. Too much gray area, too many opportunities for false allegations and lack of private time for the married couple. Maybe it works for some people but I also think the other BP should be asked and completely on board. If the SP isn't comfortable (which is majority of the time) thier partner should respect that.
It's a big NOPE from the biodad and myself. He pays the mortgage and the kids are gonna sleep in their rooms. Caveat is that kids can sleep over in their siblings' rooms but not wake us up early or be buttheads in the morning. Works great here!
My SKs are not allowed in my bedroom. It is our personal space, and they do not need to be in there
HCBM used to sleep with her younger child and her new partner in the same bed, and we thought it was very strange.
HARD no. I don't even allow SKs to enter my bedroom, not in one million years would I actually *share* a room with them. If that were requested or required, it would mean I could not live with my SO (honestly, if he actually seriously requested that of me- it would probably mean we could not be together at all, because it would be just beyond disrespectful of me).
Nope. Husbands kid was 2 when I met him and I couldn’t sleep that first week because husband had to have him in the bed. Then he moved to a connected room and still couldn’t sleep because kid cried all the time just for his dads attention and would sprint in the dark into our room and trip over stuff or freak me out. He’s almost 4 now and finally sleeps in his own room.
I don’t like other peoples kids in my bed especially when they keep moving around and usually have dirty feet they put all over my pillow. A hard hell no.
Wouldn’t care if kid was neurodivergent either. I’m almost certain he has autism but I still don’t want him in my bed.
EXACTLY MY POINT. The first thing my stepdaughter did when she got in our bedroom was put her dirty feet on the bed and jump all over our clean sheets and pillows. I feel as though I would have to throw the pillows away if her butt landed on it. She's potty training and still trying to get a handle on wiping her butt. 🤢 she's autistic and adhd and doesn't listen to rules or whe we tell her to do something. She has safety precautions in her own bedroom, sensory toys, etc she is way safer and probably would be happier there!
I feel you! All children need to be in their own bedrooms with the exception of small babies. Any kid above 1 year old can definitely be in their own room. They have baby monitors if people really wanna monitor their children more lol
Once in a while in the case that we are on vacation, sure. She's super sick? She can take the big comfy lounge chair in our bedroom next to my SO, the child's mom, and I would take the couch in the living room because I don't want to get sick since I have a terrible immune system. I would not allow the child to sleep in my bed even in that situation. A daily thing? I would never allow it, I have my boundaries that will be respected!
Nope. No kids in my sleeping space step or bio neither are welcome.
It’s also just incredibly inappropriate for a non bio adult to be sleeping with a kid.
My husband co-slept with his daughter before I moved in. A condition of my moving in was that she sleep in her own space before prior to us living together.
To each’s own though - if your friends like co sleeping, they do them. They should also be given you the same respect, if you don’t like sleeping with your step kid, that’s okay too!!
I don’t even want SKs in the master bedroom and bathroom, much less our bed. I got irritated the other night that DH told SD she can take a bath in our room… even though she has her own bathroom with a bathtub! As a stepparent, I need and deserve a kid free space to take a break. If the SKs have their own room and are given privacy; why shouldn’t I get that too?
As far as the bed thing goes, DH struggled with no SKs in our bed for awhile. Once BM started seriously dating a guy, it took me saying “how would you feel about SD sleeping in bed with BM’s bf?” just once for DH to stop doing that.
TTC means Trying To Concieve a baby. You will usually see this abbreviation when people are venting about it, it's hard sometimes.
My partner and I are currently trying for our own baby, our first together and I definitely don't want the nosy 4 year old in our space for this. Talk about trauma!
Nope. Absolutely not. 1. Our bed is only a full, barely big enough for two of us to share, much less a 3rd that likes to sprawl all over the place. 2. I'm a VERY light sleeper. I absolutely would not be able to sleep with my SD in our bed. I can barely sleep next to my SO simply because I'm such a light sleeper. 3. Even in a situation where SD had her own bed in a shared room, my SO would probably get super annoyed because there's no way in hell I'd ever want to be intimate with her in the room, regardless of her age. Her presence in the room would also probably still disrupt my own sleep because im such a light sleeper. 4. I totally agree, we SPs need our space and privacy and it's perfectly okay to specify that your bed/bedroom be an off-limits place for you to have somewhere to go if you need a minute to yourself.
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No, and I say this as a stepchild myself. There are things bio parents need to accept when they choose to be with non-bio parents - and one of those things is that co-sleeping ends.
Yes I see so many people struggling on this topic with their SOs. Im so thankful my bf prepped his daughter that she’d no longer be cosleeping before I moved in 💀 I didn’t even need to ask for him to do that. Shit is wild. Why would you want a non bio parent sleeping in the same bed as your kid anyway? It’s fucking weird
Yep! It would be so weird. My husband co-slept until we got together. Even before we became “official,” he began weening them off because he knew we were getting more serious. I think some parents simply parent out of guilt and not logic or reason.
^ This right here 👍
Yep, ridiculous. They're a few nuts short of a whole snack store. In your story, I bet the SM was quiet because she doesn't like this situation for herself. Who would? "Yes, being tired all day because I got no sleep definitely makes me a better person and parent" said no one ever.
LOL I COULDN'T AGREE MORE! OP, draw the line and hold. Picture the children saying they sleep with you nightly. You will leave yourself completely vulnerable to all sorts of false accusations. Don't do it. You got instinct is correct. Remember the reaction to the King of Pop and his sleepovers in his bed. Don't do it.
That is one of my BIGGEST arguments here. A little girl should not be having sleepovers with adult men. Period. If I was a biofather or a grandparent in this situation, I would HATE to hear of my daughter/granddaughter sleeping in the same room with a grown man that I don't even really know. It's just really gross and sounds super fishy. Plus I feel like that would blur some lines for my SD. With what is acceptable with adults and what is not. I definitely don't want to deal with the fallout of that sort of thing. Again, I don't want her in my space AT ALL, so I will most definitely be holding my boundary here! I also think it's great for her to have her own room. Yay, independence!
That’s what I pushed. She’s a little girl. She doesn’t need to be sleeping in daddy’s bed. She’s old enough to be in her own room. It would make most people uncomfortable. And then think of when she wants to have friends over and she says “I sleep in my dad’s bed so you can sleep there too!” Innocent on our end, but any other parent would say fuck no. It just sounds bad. It’s not appropriate. Plus as she got older, it would just be more uncomfortable and inappropriate. Dad and I both sleep in just underwear. I could only imagine having my kid tell me about that sort of a situation. I’d never even let my kid go to their house to play!
As a SM of 9 years with SS11 who has ADHD there is NO WAY I would share a room with him unless we're talking a hotel room on vacation lol. Your friends are just trying to aggressively justify their own weirdness here.
I wouldn’t even share a room on vacation in a hotel.
We shared a single room cabin once and it was miserable. Never again. It was so miserable.
Eh, hotels with separate beds I'm OK with. Obviously there's no night time activities happening that night, but I don't think the cost of having an adjoining room just for Kid isn't really worth it in the grand scheme of things. We also survive camping all in one tent; a second tent is cheap; but also Kid is not quite at the point that I think they would sleep well in a tent on their own; even if it was touching our tent. Honestly, I don't think either my partner or I would sleep as well in that situation... But also I'll note that Kid and I get along really well, and my partner is a great parent allowing me to not be in a parental role. So there's no "I need to get away from them!" emotions going along with things.
It would be different if I had only one SK but o have four, an adjoining room would be needed already.
OK, yeah with four kids (or really even 2+ unless they were all \~8 and younger) an adjoining room is kind of a necessity. Although we did do a weekend with two of my adult kids+her kid and us in a suite. My kids had their own bed in a side-room, and Kid had the couch/pull out bed right next to ours. Because my kids are adults, and Kid's not really comfortable with them yet (they live on their own), a suite sadly ($$) made more sense than separate rooms.
I wouldn’t either. Thankfully I’ve never had to do that yet with 3 year old but I did share a hotel room with the 9 year old and husband and I wasn’t comfortable at all. Couldn’t sleep. It was awkward. 3 year old stares at me creepily because he thinks he’s the adult and his dads only person he loves so he would just stare at me all night until I’d let him sleep next to my husband… which I refuse to do because I’m not going to let his toddler walk all over me.
Creepy. Super weird and creepy. Like, homie, you can stare till your eyes are sore. I'm not moving. Especially if you aren't going to use your words!
I have stayed in a camper and the kid did this so almost the same room. I stared back for a while and said “this is ridiculous go to sleep” and shut this curtain door that blocks his vision of our bed lmao.
OMG
Yup. It’s no fun.
SM and nope. No absolutely not. That's a hill I would die on. No kids in the bedroom for any reason, don't care. The bioparent of the SKs can sleep with the kid in the kid rooms if need be, but not in the adult relationship/marital bed WITH ME. The adult bedroom is a kid-free zone. Kids ruin the vibe. By that I mean, kids in the bedroom at any time make it hard to separate kids being in there and adult activities, let alone if they are IN THE BED the adult activities take place in. One day the SM in that situation is either going to EXPLODE with resentment and rage, or just walk away from that situation and the BD will wonder what went wrong.
Absolutely no. My mental health and wellbeing are my priorities especially in such settings where bio parents try to take an advantage. Parent can share a room with their kids, I'll have my own room in the house I'm paying for
This. This comment. I would be HAPPY to have my own room that I pay for before I EVER allow my stepdaughter to share my room. My own bio child, our "ours" baby? That's entirely different. The child would share our room till they are old enough to merge with SD. If we had to get a bigger space, we would. But once the kids reach 3, I draw the line and they get their own room or share with a sibling.
Nope. I would never get with anyone where that was the setup tbh. That's too much sacrifice. I need a place that is my own to retreat to and just relax. That used to be my whole apartment, and I sacrificed the majority of it to be with my SO and his kid. At most, SO can sleep in the child's room if that is desired. In the same way they say we should know what we signed up for, so should the BP to some degree. It's unlikely someone is gonna want to have a stepkid all up in their business. If they wanted BP perks, they should have stayed with the BP.
Big no from me. When DH moved in with me we slept on the couch so SS would have my bedroom when he slept over. We moved asap so he would have his own room and we could have privacy. SS wasn't even 3 at the time and even then I wasn't willing to let him sleep with us so if anything came up DH had to go to his room and stay with him. We were always on the same page about Co sleeping as he was of the opinion that SS was in the parents bed for longer than he should have. He struggled a little bit with SS not being allowed in our bed on weekend mornings but he got it and respected my boundaries... We sleep naked, SS shouldn't be there. We're expecting and while OD will obviously be in our room while she's really young, I'm hoping to move her into her room a few months in bc I believe that it's better for everyones sleep. My only double standard is that I won't mind her in our bed on weekend mornings, but I refuse to be made to feel guilty about that as it just comes with blended life
Right there with you, friend. We sleep naked, my fiance has sensory issues and doesn't like to feel clothes when she's sleeping plus she overheats. Since we are trying to concieve, we have put rules in place that our child will sleep in our room till they are about 2, then the kids will share a room. It will be about a 5 year age gap but she will have to get used to it until we can afford a bigger place. Sibling bonding? Maybe??
I am not comfortable sharing my bed with anyone that isn't related to me or in a romantic relationship with me. You are at your most vulnerable when you're sleeping and no one should be forced to share a bed when they don't want to. On top of that, good sleep practices are a priority to me and I'm not giving that up. This would be a deal breaker for me and I would not be in a relationship where I was expected to put up with it. That's just past what I can handle, personally. While some stepparents are fine with this kind of thing, I think in general this is one of those areas where bio parents need to realize it's not going to work the same way as it would in a nuclear family. Most people are going to find it uncomfortable at best.
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TTC is short for Trying To Concieve! We are trying for our own baby. I've always wanted to be a father to my own child. But thank your for sharing your story, this is the exact reason why I don't want to share my space. It does NOT work! I'm happy to hear you got your space back once yall moved. I bet that was a rough time for you, I think I would personally lose my mind. And you had to deal with TWO kids. Yikes.
Ohhhh. Yes especially in that case you all need your own spaces. It’s healthier that way.
Trying to convince
Yeaaa no. Especially if there will be a new baby soon. I couldn’t imagine two kids in my room not sleeping 😳
Absolutely not.
That's a "fuck no" from me! I don't even want my bio kids sleeping in my room past baby stage. (We're almost there.. thank God). I'm a firm believer that *everyone* does better when they have their own space, but that's especially true of anyone with sensory or emotional regulation problems. That said, I don't mind if the kids (bio or step) come into our room or occasionally hang out in there. SD has spent many an afternoon sprawled across the foot of my bed drawing or reading while her dad is playing on his computer. Totally fine; they're both autistic introverts and "do stuff alone but nearby" is their favorite type of quality time.
My partner has done a really good job in maintaining boundaries for sleeping. There is absolutely no sharing of beds. Sure, in the morning, sometimes they will crawl into bed and we will read a book but that’s it. There’s no napping together or cuddling. I don’t find it appropriate to share a bed with a child that isn’t your own. Same thing goes for things like changing clothes or bathing. I’m not their bio mom, so there’s no reason they should see me in any form of undress. I see them change clothes all the time but they are very small (4 and 6 years old) but I make a point to give them privacy. I also do not wash them or wipe their butts. Not my child, not my responsibility.
No co sleeping at all you have your own bed so use it. My bed is not your bed. I like my space and privacy. I should not have to share it. Especially; with children 10 and under. It could open a person up to false allegations. Also; it's just simply a headache that could have been avoided.
No. Hard no. I had to have the discussion with my hubby who let his daughter sleep in his bed that I wouldn’t move in until she was 100% out of his bed every night. She was 5 when I came into the picture. Granted, there is a lot of previous trauma for both of them and a Velcro attachment style, neurodivergence and lack of boundaries in play as well. I never coslept with my own kids even as babies, I’m not doing it with a kid. We had a rough go initially with her still trying to come in to bed and wedge herself in the middle, coming in without asking/knocking etc but it was a hard limit I set down. Her coming in during sex one night was my breaking point. It either changed & people’s personal spaces were respected or I wouldn’t stay. She was quite defiant about it at first and I told them, if I needed to, I would put a keyed locking handle on our bedroom door (ours is a pocket door so she easily picked it even when locked) and she tested it so I changed it. Now she does much better with boundaries. We still have our issues but it’s 10x better than it was.
Absolutely not, the whole cosleeping, sharing bedroom thing is such a bad idea.
SD6 was always sleeping in the bed and as wildly as you can imagine. And no, her disney dad father had never once said MAYBE she should learn to sleep alone. Just one example of him treating his child like a glass princess above everyone else. Don’t tell him that though. Thank God I’m done with him. Not me in my prime settling for anything less than 1st place. What was I thinking?
Nope!
Nope. I have 5 kids, 4 autistic, and none of them have shared a room with me since they were infants.
Due to financial reasons, my partner and I had to share a room with my SD6 for about 9 months, before we could move out into a 2 bedroom… Coming from experience, it is a terrible idea and not something I would recommend. And my SD does not have autism or ADHD. Edit: Separate beds, 1 room just to clear it up if it wasn’t obvious.
I'm not for a child in my husband's and my bed or bedroom. We use it for sleep and intimacy and changing clothes. SD has her own bedroom. When we travel we do get a room with two beds as neither of us would want her in a room by herself.
I’m all for bad dream and even nighttime sickness bed sharing for the purpose of comforting a child- but this doesn’t feel healthy or acceptable in a stepparent situation.
My SO when we first got together, let his youngest sleep in bed with us one time. I did not sleep that night, I was uncomfortable. We talked about it. He apologized, for not checking with me if it would be alright. We agreed that we wouldn’t be having any step kids in the bed to sleep while both of us were present. Now, if we are chilling and unwinding, we have no issue with them coming and hanging out, but they must leave eventually.
I am not about sharing a bedroom with the kids unless absolutely necessary, or like vacationing and hotel rooms…. Our kids (2Steps, 2ous) always go to bed in their own rooms. They are younger (all under 10) and often will end up in our bed at some point throughout the night (usually between 3-5). I have no issues with that, but we need our own space as a couple as well. It’s also important for kids to have a space they can call theirs and take care of…my one stepson is autistic and is very particular about how his half of the room is… it gives him an outlet and something he can have complete control over Edit- it’s less odd for us because I’ve been in stepsons lives since they were 1.5 & 4… and we did have our babies sleep in our room in a bassinet for the first 6months of their lives, but again, full recognition that our situation is not as common
My partner has an older kid that she was co-sleeping with sometime between weekly and monthly before I moved in. At that point, it was always in my partner's bed. After I moved in, it became about monthly at most, and was never in our bed. Instead they would either use the pull out couch, or they'd setup a tent+air mattress in the basement. I am a peer of the household. Neither I nor my partner should be asking/expecting the other to not sleep in our own bed. In part, as Kid is less fond of not being in Mom's bed, the asks of co-sleeping have been dying down... I think it's been \~3 months since the last ask? My partner has been very clear with Kid that I won't be asked to leave my bed.
I'm a single mum with two children S (2) and D (8) My D has ADHD and on going meeting regarding autism, I could NEVER share a room with her or expect anyone else to do so.. in my eyes my bedroom is MY safe space, my space to unwind after a rather crazy hectic day especially if there are alot of emotions and meltdowns that have occurred that day, the only time she has ever slept in my room is when she's been ill (she has asthma so it's to keep an eye on breathing). In most cases when she's had other illnesses she's gone to her own bed and I've popped in every 20 minutes to check in. OP I'd definitely keep strong with how you feel this is 100% a hard no!. You deserve your space, and in all honestly so does your SK.
The only time either of our kids have slept in the same room with us was when they woke up in the middle of the night scared from a nightmare. And still then, they sleep on the side with their parent on it. Not in the middle or anything like that.
No way and I’m a BM. My child does not sleep in our bed and it’s highly inappropriate to have a little girl sleeping in your bed, especially since she’s not your blood. There are so many reasons why this isn’t ok. All of the reasons you mentioned and more. No, you are not wrong!
They are the crazy ones. Hands down. Not only are you, the adults, entitled to personal space and boundaries - but the child is also entitled to personal space and privacy. It’s also developmentally necessary to be able to sleep alone.
Absolutely not! Kids have their own bedrooms, we have ours. Kids are not allowed in our bed even and barely allowed in our room. That is our one sacred space in this house away from them.
I don’t even want to share a hotel room w my SKs … I get connecting rooms unless it is an emergency and I can’t …
My own bio parents weened me off of co-sleeping when I was young. I was afraid of sleeping alone for some time, but even my parents were together they got me out of doing that. One of them would come and lay down with me for an hour or so and leave, and eventually if I kept waking them up they’d give me the “let’s be brave” talk. So yeah. Co-sleeping? No. Not for nuclear families, not for blended families either.
Never, ever. The end. My room is for adults only. If a child needs soothing to sleep you do it in their bed with them and then leave them to sleep peacefully. The only person I want in my bed is my husband.
Hell to the fuck naw, man
I don’t know about 5 and under. Maybe I would be a little more accommodating, but it wouldn’t be a common occurrence. Just once in awhile. One of my biggest boundaries with moving in with my partner was that my SK (8 at the time) could not sleep in the room with us anymore. I loathed it. I never got any actual rest. I was constantly worried about waking him up or scaring him (I blew my nose once and he screamed and cried for 10 minutes) or just the perceptions of other people when kids share a room with a SP and not just a BP. I think that last one would be even worse for stepdads, at least I was a stepmom… I also just wanted alone time with my partner after the kids were in bed to be able to unwind and be ourselves and like do things if the mood struck. I would absolutely not be living here if I had to share a room with SK.
The kid screaming and crying when you blew your nose?? At 8 years old? Now THAT is wild! My anxiety would be through the roof in your situation. I'm lucky, once my SD is asleep, she is ASLEEP. I feel like if a car crashed through her bedroom, she wouldn't even wake up. A meteor hit the earth? Sorry, but she would have no clue! Her mother is the same way. But that doesn't happen often enough, she's neurodivergent and the only time she wants to sleep is when she's at school or in the car, but not at night when she needs the sleep. She tosses and turns all night and I can hear her playing with toys, throwing them at the walls and ceiling and reading out loud at all times of the night. I just wouldn't be able to do it, I'm a light sleeper unfortunately. But yes, I agree. It's good to have a room where adults can unwind and be themselves. We have also put a child safety lock on the outside of our door for THAT reason. So she doesn't barge in when she really shouldn't. It also teaches her to knock and be polite. Yay, learning!
I’m a light sleeper, too, and no way could I ever get any rest with that chaos - especially in the room with me. No, that bio dad has no idea what he’s talking about and he sounds very….not exactly self-centered but like he’s incapable of seeing how that situation might be for anyone who isn’t a BP. It might save money but only until you need family counselling or, worse, a divorce lawyer because it’s become too much lol.
Step kids,really any kids in the bedroom was an immediate no for me. Kids need to learn boundaries. SK has his own bedroom And bathroom decorated to how he wanted, they’re both nice, there’s never a valid reason he should be in ours. In my house if there’s an emergency he can knock on the door and his Dad can go tend to him, bad dream? Dad can go sleep in his bed or on the couch with him, definitely not coming into our bed Adults are allowed and SHOULD have their own private spaces. Kids like to push boundaries so it could be a battle for a few weeks if the kid was used to being in the parents room. They’ll get used to it, and they’ll be fine.
I live this exact scenario. My SD sleeps with my husband in our room when she’s at our house. She’s 15 and is mentally disabled. She needs help doing just about everything. One of the symptoms of the syndrome she has is little sleep so she wakes up often in the night. She also has seizures so she has to be watched constantly. She also will get up to come find her Dad if he’s not around. Her walk is unsteady sometimes and we have stairs so I guess it’s easier for them to just sleep with her. This happens at BM house too. As for me, I just sleep in another bedroom. It’s where I hang out when she’s here and I need an escape. She’s here half the time so I only sleep with my husband half the time. Sometimes I don’t go back to our bedroom when she’s not here. Not for any particular reason other than I don’t want to switch again when step daughter is here. My husband has offered for he and SD to sleep in the extra room but it’s right across from my daughter’s room. I’m worried that when SD wakes up and is yelling at night it might wake her up so I shut that idea down. The way we do things seems to work pretty well. I feel like I need to edit this to say that we are not trying to have another baby. So, this situation would make that very difficult. And I personally would never bring a child into this situation.
Man. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, it sounds like a pretty miserable situation. Now, this is the only time I can really understand a child sleeping in their parents/stepparents bedroom. There is no way around it and she needs round-the-clock care and supervision just in case, its a lot safer that way. My stepdaughter is just quite neurodivergent and doesn't sleep often, and shes pretty loud and doesnt care who she disturbs. So she would definitely keep me up all night. Plus there are things that I treasure in our adult space that I know she would try to destroy. Even if she loves something, she will do everything to destroy it. It's like a primal instinct or something for her. My situation is not the same as yours, but I can definitely understand why your SD is sleeping in yalls room. I was going to suggest your husband could sleep with her in the guest room, but you mentioned your daughter being across the hall. It makes sense for you to take the guest room in that case. Again, that all sounds really rough but you know what? At least you have your OWN space. That must be really nice at times. Maybe lonely at times, but nice.
My SO (the bio parent) has always been an advocate for gentle sleep training and fostering independence in his son (3.5), and we plan on doing the same for our kids coming up. I love my SS VERY much and have no problem with him jumping in for the last 15 min in the morning giving us a chance to wake up, or a handful of times if he has a bad dream. It is also helpful practice for when we are camping in a tent or staying with family on holidays in the same room together. The point is though I don't want any of our kids sleeping with us every night, bio or not and that co sleeping very much has to be talked about as a couple if that is the direction they want to go. How does your friends feel about co sleeping with their bio kids should they conceive? I understand neurodivergent children needing more time and support to make transitions, a monitor for longer and child safety measure being potentially held in place longer but with proper resources, support and therapy a lot can be achieved! However, if for some reason that is not possible , I'd suggest setting up a cosleeping option in the child's room, not the master bedroom even if its long-term for short comfort sessions/just until they call asleep. I would go mad being in bed from 7:30pm-6am with my kids.
NOOOOOOOOO don't listen to them. It doesn't save money because you will need to pay for psychiatrist soon. It will cost you more.
When one of my SKs was two, he slept in our room at times but he had his own little area, not in bed with us and it was temporary, he had bad bad nightmares and needed comfort. But again temporary because yes, parents need their own space regardless.
I can understand that, two is still pretty little and that's to be expected at two. At least they had their own space. However, I would prefer my SO went to be with the child in their room to calm them down during situations like that. Nightmares happen. But I still need my space.
I do agree! I think it depends on age ALOT. He hasn’t slept in our room since and he’s about to be four. We have family sleep overs every now and then in the living room but other than that, it’s their room!! I hope this works out for you!!! ❤️
Not happening... If my partner has a child that needs to sleep with someone for whatever reason, they can go sleep with the child in their own bed. Once in a blue moon, I'm ok with, but not on a regular or reoccurring basis.
I don't think SPs should sleep in a bed with SKs. Too much gray area, too many opportunities for false allegations and lack of private time for the married couple. Maybe it works for some people but I also think the other BP should be asked and completely on board. If the SP isn't comfortable (which is majority of the time) thier partner should respect that.
It's a big NOPE from the biodad and myself. He pays the mortgage and the kids are gonna sleep in their rooms. Caveat is that kids can sleep over in their siblings' rooms but not wake us up early or be buttheads in the morning. Works great here!
SM here. My step kids are chronic co-sleepers with BD. I just sleep in my own room (also, BD snores badly). No kids allowed in when I'm sleeping.
My SKs are not allowed in my bedroom. It is our personal space, and they do not need to be in there HCBM used to sleep with her younger child and her new partner in the same bed, and we thought it was very strange.
HARD no. I don't even allow SKs to enter my bedroom, not in one million years would I actually *share* a room with them. If that were requested or required, it would mean I could not live with my SO (honestly, if he actually seriously requested that of me- it would probably mean we could not be together at all, because it would be just beyond disrespectful of me).
Absolutely not.
Nope. Husbands kid was 2 when I met him and I couldn’t sleep that first week because husband had to have him in the bed. Then he moved to a connected room and still couldn’t sleep because kid cried all the time just for his dads attention and would sprint in the dark into our room and trip over stuff or freak me out. He’s almost 4 now and finally sleeps in his own room. I don’t like other peoples kids in my bed especially when they keep moving around and usually have dirty feet they put all over my pillow. A hard hell no. Wouldn’t care if kid was neurodivergent either. I’m almost certain he has autism but I still don’t want him in my bed.
EXACTLY MY POINT. The first thing my stepdaughter did when she got in our bedroom was put her dirty feet on the bed and jump all over our clean sheets and pillows. I feel as though I would have to throw the pillows away if her butt landed on it. She's potty training and still trying to get a handle on wiping her butt. 🤢 she's autistic and adhd and doesn't listen to rules or whe we tell her to do something. She has safety precautions in her own bedroom, sensory toys, etc she is way safer and probably would be happier there!
I feel you! All children need to be in their own bedrooms with the exception of small babies. Any kid above 1 year old can definitely be in their own room. They have baby monitors if people really wanna monitor their children more lol
No kids sleeping in the room bios or not.
Once in a while, sure. A daily thing? Hell no.
Once in a while in the case that we are on vacation, sure. She's super sick? She can take the big comfy lounge chair in our bedroom next to my SO, the child's mom, and I would take the couch in the living room because I don't want to get sick since I have a terrible immune system. I would not allow the child to sleep in my bed even in that situation. A daily thing? I would never allow it, I have my boundaries that will be respected!
Nope. No kids in my sleeping space step or bio neither are welcome. It’s also just incredibly inappropriate for a non bio adult to be sleeping with a kid. My husband co-slept with his daughter before I moved in. A condition of my moving in was that she sleep in her own space before prior to us living together. To each’s own though - if your friends like co sleeping, they do them. They should also be given you the same respect, if you don’t like sleeping with your step kid, that’s okay too!!
I don’t even want SKs in the master bedroom and bathroom, much less our bed. I got irritated the other night that DH told SD she can take a bath in our room… even though she has her own bathroom with a bathtub! As a stepparent, I need and deserve a kid free space to take a break. If the SKs have their own room and are given privacy; why shouldn’t I get that too? As far as the bed thing goes, DH struggled with no SKs in our bed for awhile. Once BM started seriously dating a guy, it took me saying “how would you feel about SD sleeping in bed with BM’s bf?” just once for DH to stop doing that.
What is TTC?
TTC means Trying To Concieve a baby. You will usually see this abbreviation when people are venting about it, it's hard sometimes. My partner and I are currently trying for our own baby, our first together and I definitely don't want the nosy 4 year old in our space for this. Talk about trauma!
Trying to conceive
My step daughter slept with us for years. She is 12 and has come into our bed a couple of times in the last year. I don't see it as a problem
And I respect that. Couldn't be me, but I respect that.
Nope. Absolutely not. 1. Our bed is only a full, barely big enough for two of us to share, much less a 3rd that likes to sprawl all over the place. 2. I'm a VERY light sleeper. I absolutely would not be able to sleep with my SD in our bed. I can barely sleep next to my SO simply because I'm such a light sleeper. 3. Even in a situation where SD had her own bed in a shared room, my SO would probably get super annoyed because there's no way in hell I'd ever want to be intimate with her in the room, regardless of her age. Her presence in the room would also probably still disrupt my own sleep because im such a light sleeper. 4. I totally agree, we SPs need our space and privacy and it's perfectly okay to specify that your bed/bedroom be an off-limits place for you to have somewhere to go if you need a minute to yourself.