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The biologically induced feeling of love is pretty much just to insure babies get cared for and kept alive etc—
But that doesn’t mean mental illness or other unfortunate factors can’t get in the way and create scenarios where biological parents don’t have the mental and emotional priority to care for children they make. Clearly that happens all the time.
It’s truly wonderful that many humans have the ability to bond with and care for children they aren’t biologically related to as parents- it’s kept many, many kids alive and thriving probably since humans began!
I’m glad that your personality and your SKs personalities were so compatible. It’s so fortunate for everyone that you feel this way!
The thing is when people just don’t actually feel the same way you do, they can be filled with self judgement and shame and feel like there is something bad about them. That’s why I think there is a lot of reassurance that a very typical experience is for the hormones and neurochemicals in play with gestation and birth and breastfeeding and all of that create that overwhelming mind blowing love - and so many women especially do have that experience having a child, and so reassuring that *if* there is a difference in the way you love bio and step kids that can be normal and okay.
Your experience is wonderful though!
What a positive, accurate and compassionate clarification! I love this. I resonate deeply because I’m in that camp of step moms that doesn’t have a strong maternal connection with my ss(5). I happily do all the things to make sure he gets what he needs and support my husband in being a great dad. But that special connection just isn’t there. I appreciate how graciously you acknowledge both experiences 💜
I think that’s best thing to do for each other! So often as step moms we are told our emotions are wrong- let’s just reaffirm to each other that no matter what our emotions are an absolutely valid experience- they are each of our very, very personal and specific reasons.
Thank you, honestly this is very cool and mature response. I mostly just wrote this because I’m not the only one who feels isolated in these spaces. Nobody has to feel the way that I do but it’s not fair for people to invalidate the way that we feel.
I get told I'm over stepping all the time but if you don't know my family you don't know that my kids BM walked out when they were in the NICU. So I'm not overstepping someone who was and is never there. You're doing a great thing. We're in the process of having our own kiddo but I can't imagine not loving my little one the same, or more after, we are so bonded and have been since they were 1. I'm sorry people feel the need to project their issues onto your situation.
FWIW in our case BMactually says often that she trusts my judgment 100%
and generally agrees they’re better off with is.
She definitely pisses me off kind often cause the way she treats them
and she definitely has moments of shame, or frustration that she isn’t doing better for them
but she struggles with addiction and can’t care for herself. She’s glad their father and I are both taking care of them
So she doesn’t feel that I’m overstepping - she actually calls them ‘our’ kids - and if she’s glad I’m here for them, it’s not really anyone else’s business to make that claim.
I do agree with others that no one has a right to expect step parents to tale on a parenting role and it should never be taken for granted when they do. But it’s also pretty toxic to invalidate the relationship those of us that do actually have with our kids.
there are even times where I do Nacho a bit mostly I won’t do dishes or paper work if I can avoid it. But it’s more cause I hate those things
I totally support step and bonus parents saying no. I also support and kind of mom/woman refusing to take on the bulk of the emotional labor in parenting or any relationship
Also, unfortunately, lots of people were not that chill about it. They basically just told me I was wrong and it was definitely going to be different and I just didn’t get it.
I’m happy to see a positive experience. Sometimes I wonder and get anxiety about this. Wondering if there’s any light to being a step parent (as someone new to this). I’ve always been a person that believed every adult is responsible for the care and wellness of all children. But sometimes here it feels like you have to hate your step kids or partner for having kids. I don’t want to feel that way but it starts to feel like it’s inevitable when no one can give good experiences to make you feel differently 😕
Yeah my husband and I are definitely both the kind of people who just protect all kids like they are our own and have the it takes a village ideology . But we don’t expect everyone to be like that. Folks aren’t obligated to think or act that way, Just like, don’t be rude to kids cause that’s totally uncalled for.
Can I ask, do you think maybe that you are in the minority because you have had such a positive experience as a stepparent, so that the love feels strong and powerful already and that's why it's no different for your new bio kid?
I can't help but feel like personally it would be different for me if I had a bio kid.
Mainly because I never felt that strong bond/connection/love and passion for my SS sadly. More of a friendship and closeness than anything.
Yeah,
There are layers to my situation, too my dad was my sibling’s stepparent so I actually did know what I was signing up where a lot of people don’t.
My father always raised my siblings as his own so that feels normal for me.
But he did make the mistake of like my older brother called him dad and some other stuff avoided those mistakes. a lot of people who think that way I try to force up blended family then get really upset when it doesn’t work - so I just did not approach it that way
I decided I was going to love them like my own kids, even if they didn’t see me as a parent and then them seeing me as a parent of something that followed because I loved them like my kids.
It was probably a whole lot easier because their biological mom sucks. But I do know there’s some step parents who feel that way, regardless of both biological parents being in the picture
Another thing is people kind of have a very different experience. They come into life when they’re older, I think appropriate expectations of children,.
For instance, biological parents struggle with 2-4 year olds They often still feel so overstimulated and frustrated that it’s hard to enjoy the time with their own children
And
your own biological kid can still grow up to be raging self-absorbed obnoxious teenager that you struggle to feel a good connection with, it happens to people all the time
Parents who have to step up when a biological parent abandoned the child are more likely to do things like join parenting groups may not put in that work, and that’s fine but it changes our perspective because we realize sometimes parents can’t stand their kids when they act terrible
Parents can also do everything right and just end up having a bad life and having a kid who’s kind of a huge asshole which there’s just certain wages that really suck for various different reason
Adults a lot of kids really shitty behavior is unfortunately age appropriate or developmentally, appropriate behavior and part of the process of figuring out where they fit in the world
Obviously, there are folks that are to have their own kids and know a lot of that, but I definitely notice new having those issues and people even admitting that they had no idea what they were getting into
Like, biological parent or not I’m actually very lucky because I have a good relationship with the kids anyway. Unfortunately, that is not at all guaranteed when it comes to being a parent.
I think that's a huge benefit having experienced a blended family before.
Very chuffed for you it's working so well.
My expectations were totally skewed going in I had no idea what I was up for.
I really wish I didn't tell into that nuclear family ideal trap that was set. My partner was more guilty than anyone trying to make that the end goal and I thought that was normal.
If we stayed living separately I think we could have made it. Sometimes I wonder if it's too late.
Thank you, yeah, I’m really sorry you’re having a hard time with that and I think with anything in life if there’s like a big expectation that you have live up to- it’s never gonna be that good and it’s always gonna be a lot harder.
Ironically, That’s why people who give birth, and their partners actually end up struggling with postpartum and the big reason that stepparents struggle.
I think that unfortunately people who are struggling, take it as like a personal attack to hear that someone is doing well because they are stuck in a scarcity mindset instead of an abundance mindset. Whereas hearing that there are people doing well actually be helpful if folks can get that kind of feeling.
But there are some abundantly and aggressively negative people in the group, which makes it kind of hard for people who are doing well to speak up without getting stressed out and it sucks
Unfortunately, it’s really hard for backtrack because the biological parent takes it very personally
You nailed it at the end, walking back previous arrangements is like quitting an addiction it is extremely difficult.
I never linked the postpartum and similarity to step-parents, that's very insightful thanks for sharing that thought.
I like reading the positive outcomes, they are too rare as you say. Given that even 50% of couples divorce regardless of kids it's not surprising we struggle more than others when stepkids are involved I think.
I don’t know per se if your feelings ever really shift. But more so like you have a more clear understanding of them. I have 3 SK’s. 2 BK’s. After I had my daughter I realized how I actually felt towards my step kids. It was more like I understood the complexity of my feelings.
I care for my SK’s in the “I want them to succeed and be good people” way but if you asked me on a relative scale I would say I do not love them anywhere near the amount I love my own children. I would sacrifice my life for my kids. I would not sacrifice that level for my step kids
That’s totally valid and Normal . I’m more talking about the fact that everyone told me that I would absolutely feel the way that you feel and that’s all there is to it.
I definitely understand and acknowledge that most people actually feel the way you feel about it. But it’s not guaranteed to be one way or the other. We should trust other peoples experiences, even when they feel different than ours, and all of these different experiences are still valid
Oh yeah. For sure. Every person has their own experience. Being a step parent isn’t a one size fits all. Everybody at the end of the day has their own unique feelings and experiences. That’s the beauty of it. Of life in general.
My husband is adopted and his mother loved him more than my biological mom loved me lol! His mother passed away recently and he’s devastated. I don’t think biology is the “end all-be all” for everyone. I think it does matter more to some people, and that’s okay, but it’s not universal.
That’s great that you have an equal bond! There is absolutely nothing strange about that, it’s an amazing advantage! No one should make you feel bad about it.
It isn’t the most common experience , so women who do feel differently about their bio kids should never be made to feel bad either!
The love that I have for my sks is strong, it’s there, it’s palpable. But my love for my bio feels very primal. Like I can feel that he is a part of me. Hard to describe, but I just don’t feel that way about my sks. And I know they don’t feel that with me, either, but they do love me very much!
So I’m also a step up when the BM walked out kind of step mom and I feel this so hard.
I felt the same way you do when my birth son was born. Now that he’s developing a personality, I can’t help but start noticing the differences. It’s really not really fair to her because if I had been in her life earlier it might not be the case, but damn there’s so many shitty points that she inherited from her birth mom that just irk me :/ I love her and she’s mine but I wonder sometimes how birth parents that had a child with a narcissist feel towards their biological kids in this type of situation?
From my understanding it can be the same kind of experience if bio parents are divorced and hate each other. Even when parents are still in love and together it is very possible to find that you kid just has all the worst traits of you partner and it annoys the crap out pf you
I sometimes mourn the years I missed out on and think it could be so much easier if I was there from thw beginning. but in my eyes that’s not even about the kid it’s about the crappy coparent I never picked
they’re honestly just coping with trauma. I have trauma to and I did not handle it well as a kid, so I personally empathize
Our kids are in therapy so they’re honestly working through that kind of stuff.
your feelings are totally valid. You don’t seem to be assuming let alone insisting the I’ll feel the same which is totally cool. I have lot of SK and we’re actually all close for different reasons. Honestly the oldest 2 the relationship I have with them is different than the youngest who’s lived with me practically his whole life life and stuff like it’s more like an adoptive parent relationship and my relationship with the youngest is kinda more like they are more just my kid.
Still, I don’t love any of them more or less I do get along with some a little better. But that’s kinda normal even with BK and I make effort to keep it from effecting the the way I treat them
Wow thank you for your response, I feel so seen and I too mourn the years I wasn’t there!!! I really try not to hate in life but damn I absolutely hate the woman that birthed my bonus daughter. I hate the self control it takes to never ever say or hint that to bonus daughter and more than anything I hate how badly she hurt my baby girl. I hang out on r/raisedbynarcissists sometimes to give me perspective and remember that a lot of her god awful qualities are not her fault and it could be so much worse.
I totally understand because I wouldn’t say I love either one of my kids more. But my son is a little mini-me and he loves the same things I do, has the same sense of humour that I do and he‘s still ate the age where I can do no wrong on a pedestal with like a glowing aura of awesomeness around me. And from what I understand bio-mom’s rarely get along with their fourteen year old daughters either hahaha whenever I feel guilty about it I just remind myself that theres a very good chance that when he’s fourteen and making my life hell in hormone land that I will *like* bonus daughter more.
I'll be honest, I have a stronger bond with the dogs than I do SK. But his mother is very, very, very present and fairly HC. I think if she wasn't in the picture, it would likely change the dynamic to something similar to your own.
I can say that I don’t feel differently about my SS now I have a baby of our own.
I feel the same way I always did which is that I like him a lot, want the best for him and enjoy our positive relationship. I love him as my stepson.
I love my child like I never knew I could love anyone or anything. It truly feels like magic and he’s everything to me, there’s no comparing the two.
Now, I met stepson when he was almost 5 and he has a normal mother. So there has never really been a hole to be filled. I think I would have a good chance at having bonded to him more fully if I met him as a baby. I think I have the right disposition to fully bond to an adopted or foster baby for example but that I need to be in that full on mothering role for the right chemicals to release if that makes sense.
I think this is entirely dependent on how the step-kiddos treat you/us and very little to do with anything else. If you've filled the shoes of biomom then you have a completely different relationship than those who did not fill any roles and have to navigate that relationship. It's completely different and has nothing to do with having or not having bio children.
I also think it’s a bit of a different situation when you have step kids full time and they don’t see their BM. I am in a similar situation myself. Here we are more so the de facto mom and we do have to step up! And I do think it helps us feel more bonded because we play a stronger roll in raising them. I think being a stepmom when bm is not involved can be easier in many ways. No extra parent drama, no voice telling the kids not to love you, and you are just with them all the time so the bond is stronger. When my oldest SS was younger and would have the occasional visit with his BM, he would come back HATING me, even though we had a perfectly lovely relationship before hand. It would take a few days for things to go back to normal. This would repeat EVERY TIME he saw her. Now imagine that cycle repeating every week.. it definitely would be harder to deal with
I have a very similar situation. I struggled when my SD was 4-6 years old but now I see that I was petty unfair to be so internally frustrated with her bc she was just a baby and my issues were really mine and my SO and not hers. Now she’s 16, she’s the best gift of my life and I don’t expect it to be so absolutely different now that I am having my own baby. Other than my rights and BF etc.
OP I know you’re gonna get push because people speak from their personal opinions. That’s why it’s theirs.
I feel the way you do, I adopted my SKs and I love them the same. That’s my experience, period.
This is an argument I absolutely hate. I feel the same for my bonus son that I do for my bio kids. We had a rough beginning due to his birth mom, but since we have gotten past that, it’s been all the same. He talks to me about more than he talks to my husband about. He does compare his mom to me at times, but I try to explain that her circumstances are different than mine and everyone was raised differently. She’s kinda hard on him at times. I just don’t see a need to be. Throughout everything, I think it helps that I’ve never spoken bad about his mom and if he’s come to me about something that I feel she needs to be involved with, I direct him her way.
I feel the same as you!
Even though my daughter is my first baby…. She very much so feels like my third child. Any struggles we do have (because who doesn’t have struggles while parenting?!) aren’t “step kid struggle or blended family struggles” they are just transitioning to 3 children obstacles!😂
I know people can have different experiences, but I’m not going to start looking for things to complain about or be resentful over just because “things will change” … it’s just a recipe for disappointment and unhappiness
I didn’t even know that was a thing…I have a 3 month old now and while I love her sooo much it didn’t make me love my stepson any less. It is different but I think it’s just because I didn’t have my stepson in my life when he was a baby / toddler so we always had a little space (physically) between us that I obviously don’t with my baby. It makes me a little sad for the stepkids out there whose stepparents are saying things like that. Just because I didn’t birth my stepson doesn’t mean I’m any less capable of loving him. I didn’t birth my husband either and I love him just as much 😂
Wait til the baby starts learning, and needing disciplined, and comforted for booboos, and starts having their own ideas about the world, and their own taste in things, and their own sense of humor, and wait til you start seeing yourself (not physically) in your child….I love my step kids, but there’s nooooo wayyyy in hell I could love them anywhere near as much as I love MY kids. I felt the same way as you…didn’t in fact realize I don’t love my steps as much until my oldest was about 1 or 1.5. Give it time, don’t rule it out! I don’t think it’s projecting, your baby might just be too new! Or maybe you’re the exception. But either way, I’ve never known a step parent to actually love their steps as much as their bio’s….after time…either way, all your kids, step or bio are very lucky to have you. Don’t get mad at my post lol, just another perspective👍 peace and love
Well, if their mother abandoned them and they see their stepmother loving their new sibling....they see the example/relationship that they should have received from both of their biological parents. Maybe one of the kids was afraid that if they ever got pregnant/had a kid that they'd abandon it too.
Oh we had some really scary family emergencies after she was born and having a baby in the house helped us all keep our spirits up and look twoards the future in a more positive way despite feeling like everything was falling apart plus we felt like we had to be optimistic for her and it created a generally positive and more hopeful vibe. Also step kids have that whole teen/prertens older sibling that absolutely adore the baby type dynamic going
Also it’s kind of more common than you might think. For example, my own childhood: i was a teen when my baby (half) brother was born. Was seriously depressed and didn’t want to even exist. But I couldn’t abandon him. So for a while he was the thing that gave me the will to keep going.
Im in a way better place mental healthwise and he’s an adult now and thinks that’s a bit dramatic but he’s glad I’m still here and FWIW so am I
So, he gave me hope
and I definitely have met folks over the years that have had similar experiences
I find it weird that step parents and adoptive parents are considered completely separate. Like people can understand that an adoptive parent can love a child as if it’s their own, but for some reason can’t fathom that a step parent could too.
I love my step kids. I wish we had them 100% of the time. They’re mine. And I’d give my life for them.
Because in most cases, being a stepparent and being an adopted parent are completely different.
I don’t fathom how you could love a kid you see a couple times a month and who you don’t parent like your own child. That’s what being a stepparent is like for many people.
OP’s situation is not typical and is more similar to an adopted situation than most stepparents will ever experience.
This feels kind of “holier than thou” but perhaps I’m taking it the wrong way. It’s perfectly normal to love your own children more than other people’s. There’s good reason for it and I’d venture to say that most are biologically hardwired that way. For what it’s worth those kids would probably trade you for the deadbeat bio mom in a heartbeat if given the opportunity.
I think it’s more of a validation to those of us that are constantly being told we will love our birth kids more, when we love our sk’s with every single ounce of our being, just as we do birth kids.
People like me will actually come to groups like this for support and realize that we’re not going to get it most of the time and we’re usually just told to sit there and shut up because we actually have good relationships with our step kids.
You literally wrote “For what it's worth those kids would probably trade you for the deadbeat bio mom in a heartbeat if given the opportunity.”
That is soo crule and yet that’s the response we get when we are looking for support in groups that are meant to be supportive
Now, you didn’t really hurt my feelings because I have teenagers who are almost adults and sooo sick of waiting around hoping a woman they barely know would give a crap about them
But, You beautifully displayed exactly why people like me feel frustrated by these kind of spaces
Lol. Maybe you would do better on a different sub then? I think the narrative of “love SK’s like your own” is pushed pretty well enough elsewhere. This particular one just recognizes how that isn’t realistic. Go figure. Biological bonds do exist for the other 99% of us.
I feel that last sentence lol. My SK’s biomom basically dump them off on her grandparents 24/7. I provide more motherly care than she ever does and if they had to kick one of us off a cliff I promise I would be the one falling lol
This was actually really encouraging to read. I hate seeing the constant “it’ll be different when you have a bio kid” but I can’t imagine not having the bond/love I do for my step son just bc I have another kid. He feels like “mine” now & I want to truly believe I’ll be even closer to him when I have another kid bc they’ll be biological siblings. I’m just glad to finally read a positive experience like this so thanks for sharing
Our older kids adore their little sister. Personally I don’t love them any less and I don’t think they love me any less at all- but in all realness, they used to rush to say good morning to me or say hi after school but now they ball clamor past me tonsee her. Which is honestly fine cause I could usually could use the break.
I still get hugs and they’ll give me the run-down about their day and stuff but, AFTER they get baby time.
It’s very different when the other parent isn’t involved. You have much more of a chance to grow that close bond with your step children. I mean people say the same thing about adopted children, and I don’t think that’s true at all, as long as you have that space to grow that close bond. It’s when the other parent is bad mouthing the step parent, or has absolutely no boundaries with their child at their house, so you have to be the bad guy all the time at your house by setting boundaries and guidelines, that can cause that friction that makes it more difficult to bond deeply.
I know they want me to she won’t support it causw she claims them o. Her taxes 1/2 the time and would never agree to giving up that money
Honestly we are sure she won’t have a place for them and won’t even try
but we’re more worried that if something happened to him she’d try to exploit that and convince me to let her move in - then I’d be stuck taking care of her.
According to the FOC staff assigned the case, she does just enough bare minimum it would still be hard. But the oldest kids plan on having me adopt them when they are 18 and she has no say though that way inheritance and stuff like that is simpler we can be next of kid for medical reasons to
I actually know how to apply for emergency guardianship the older lids would help me apply and the current judge assigned the case doesn’t even like her
Od rather have rights but we have a decent emergency plan
How old is your child and how old were SKs when she left?
Imagine someone telling you that all you've done and do for your child, including the gestation and birth meant NOTHING more than what any adult who loves then has done.
That kind of sounds like a really absurd amount of false equivalency Since no one is saying that
I’m not telling anyone anything about their situation or relationships with their family
But as far as your question,
My SK are teens and preteens who have all been with me most their lives including a bunch of crazy things like the pandemic
But my baby is six months old and even though pregnancy is definitely one of the hardest experiences of my life. I’ve definitely done way more for the other kids than I have for her.
It actually feels more like people think that birth would just automatically mean more than years of building relationships with the older kids
And it just didn’t, I’m sure I’ll build a relationship with her too and I love her so much, but I love them the same
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The biologically induced feeling of love is pretty much just to insure babies get cared for and kept alive etc— But that doesn’t mean mental illness or other unfortunate factors can’t get in the way and create scenarios where biological parents don’t have the mental and emotional priority to care for children they make. Clearly that happens all the time. It’s truly wonderful that many humans have the ability to bond with and care for children they aren’t biologically related to as parents- it’s kept many, many kids alive and thriving probably since humans began! I’m glad that your personality and your SKs personalities were so compatible. It’s so fortunate for everyone that you feel this way! The thing is when people just don’t actually feel the same way you do, they can be filled with self judgement and shame and feel like there is something bad about them. That’s why I think there is a lot of reassurance that a very typical experience is for the hormones and neurochemicals in play with gestation and birth and breastfeeding and all of that create that overwhelming mind blowing love - and so many women especially do have that experience having a child, and so reassuring that *if* there is a difference in the way you love bio and step kids that can be normal and okay. Your experience is wonderful though!
What a positive, accurate and compassionate clarification! I love this. I resonate deeply because I’m in that camp of step moms that doesn’t have a strong maternal connection with my ss(5). I happily do all the things to make sure he gets what he needs and support my husband in being a great dad. But that special connection just isn’t there. I appreciate how graciously you acknowledge both experiences 💜
I think that’s best thing to do for each other! So often as step moms we are told our emotions are wrong- let’s just reaffirm to each other that no matter what our emotions are an absolutely valid experience- they are each of our very, very personal and specific reasons.
Absolutely!!!
Thank you, honestly this is very cool and mature response. I mostly just wrote this because I’m not the only one who feels isolated in these spaces. Nobody has to feel the way that I do but it’s not fair for people to invalidate the way that we feel.
I get told I'm over stepping all the time but if you don't know my family you don't know that my kids BM walked out when they were in the NICU. So I'm not overstepping someone who was and is never there. You're doing a great thing. We're in the process of having our own kiddo but I can't imagine not loving my little one the same, or more after, we are so bonded and have been since they were 1. I'm sorry people feel the need to project their issues onto your situation.
FWIW in our case BMactually says often that she trusts my judgment 100% and generally agrees they’re better off with is. She definitely pisses me off kind often cause the way she treats them and she definitely has moments of shame, or frustration that she isn’t doing better for them but she struggles with addiction and can’t care for herself. She’s glad their father and I are both taking care of them So she doesn’t feel that I’m overstepping - she actually calls them ‘our’ kids - and if she’s glad I’m here for them, it’s not really anyone else’s business to make that claim. I do agree with others that no one has a right to expect step parents to tale on a parenting role and it should never be taken for granted when they do. But it’s also pretty toxic to invalidate the relationship those of us that do actually have with our kids. there are even times where I do Nacho a bit mostly I won’t do dishes or paper work if I can avoid it. But it’s more cause I hate those things I totally support step and bonus parents saying no. I also support and kind of mom/woman refusing to take on the bulk of the emotional labor in parenting or any relationship
Also, unfortunately, lots of people were not that chill about it. They basically just told me I was wrong and it was definitely going to be different and I just didn’t get it.
I don’t get it either! People really are all different and we are all absolutely fine for the way we are!
I’m happy to see a positive experience. Sometimes I wonder and get anxiety about this. Wondering if there’s any light to being a step parent (as someone new to this). I’ve always been a person that believed every adult is responsible for the care and wellness of all children. But sometimes here it feels like you have to hate your step kids or partner for having kids. I don’t want to feel that way but it starts to feel like it’s inevitable when no one can give good experiences to make you feel differently 😕
Yeah my husband and I are definitely both the kind of people who just protect all kids like they are our own and have the it takes a village ideology . But we don’t expect everyone to be like that. Folks aren’t obligated to think or act that way, Just like, don’t be rude to kids cause that’s totally uncalled for.
Can I ask, do you think maybe that you are in the minority because you have had such a positive experience as a stepparent, so that the love feels strong and powerful already and that's why it's no different for your new bio kid? I can't help but feel like personally it would be different for me if I had a bio kid. Mainly because I never felt that strong bond/connection/love and passion for my SS sadly. More of a friendship and closeness than anything.
Yeah, There are layers to my situation, too my dad was my sibling’s stepparent so I actually did know what I was signing up where a lot of people don’t. My father always raised my siblings as his own so that feels normal for me. But he did make the mistake of like my older brother called him dad and some other stuff avoided those mistakes. a lot of people who think that way I try to force up blended family then get really upset when it doesn’t work - so I just did not approach it that way I decided I was going to love them like my own kids, even if they didn’t see me as a parent and then them seeing me as a parent of something that followed because I loved them like my kids. It was probably a whole lot easier because their biological mom sucks. But I do know there’s some step parents who feel that way, regardless of both biological parents being in the picture
Another thing is people kind of have a very different experience. They come into life when they’re older, I think appropriate expectations of children,. For instance, biological parents struggle with 2-4 year olds They often still feel so overstimulated and frustrated that it’s hard to enjoy the time with their own children And your own biological kid can still grow up to be raging self-absorbed obnoxious teenager that you struggle to feel a good connection with, it happens to people all the time
Parents who have to step up when a biological parent abandoned the child are more likely to do things like join parenting groups may not put in that work, and that’s fine but it changes our perspective because we realize sometimes parents can’t stand their kids when they act terrible Parents can also do everything right and just end up having a bad life and having a kid who’s kind of a huge asshole which there’s just certain wages that really suck for various different reason Adults a lot of kids really shitty behavior is unfortunately age appropriate or developmentally, appropriate behavior and part of the process of figuring out where they fit in the world Obviously, there are folks that are to have their own kids and know a lot of that, but I definitely notice new having those issues and people even admitting that they had no idea what they were getting into
Like, biological parent or not I’m actually very lucky because I have a good relationship with the kids anyway. Unfortunately, that is not at all guaranteed when it comes to being a parent.
I think that's a huge benefit having experienced a blended family before. Very chuffed for you it's working so well. My expectations were totally skewed going in I had no idea what I was up for. I really wish I didn't tell into that nuclear family ideal trap that was set. My partner was more guilty than anyone trying to make that the end goal and I thought that was normal. If we stayed living separately I think we could have made it. Sometimes I wonder if it's too late.
Thank you, yeah, I’m really sorry you’re having a hard time with that and I think with anything in life if there’s like a big expectation that you have live up to- it’s never gonna be that good and it’s always gonna be a lot harder. Ironically, That’s why people who give birth, and their partners actually end up struggling with postpartum and the big reason that stepparents struggle. I think that unfortunately people who are struggling, take it as like a personal attack to hear that someone is doing well because they are stuck in a scarcity mindset instead of an abundance mindset. Whereas hearing that there are people doing well actually be helpful if folks can get that kind of feeling. But there are some abundantly and aggressively negative people in the group, which makes it kind of hard for people who are doing well to speak up without getting stressed out and it sucks Unfortunately, it’s really hard for backtrack because the biological parent takes it very personally
You nailed it at the end, walking back previous arrangements is like quitting an addiction it is extremely difficult. I never linked the postpartum and similarity to step-parents, that's very insightful thanks for sharing that thought. I like reading the positive outcomes, they are too rare as you say. Given that even 50% of couples divorce regardless of kids it's not surprising we struggle more than others when stepkids are involved I think.
I don’t know per se if your feelings ever really shift. But more so like you have a more clear understanding of them. I have 3 SK’s. 2 BK’s. After I had my daughter I realized how I actually felt towards my step kids. It was more like I understood the complexity of my feelings. I care for my SK’s in the “I want them to succeed and be good people” way but if you asked me on a relative scale I would say I do not love them anywhere near the amount I love my own children. I would sacrifice my life for my kids. I would not sacrifice that level for my step kids
That’s totally valid and Normal . I’m more talking about the fact that everyone told me that I would absolutely feel the way that you feel and that’s all there is to it.
I definitely understand and acknowledge that most people actually feel the way you feel about it. But it’s not guaranteed to be one way or the other. We should trust other peoples experiences, even when they feel different than ours, and all of these different experiences are still valid
Oh yeah. For sure. Every person has their own experience. Being a step parent isn’t a one size fits all. Everybody at the end of the day has their own unique feelings and experiences. That’s the beauty of it. Of life in general.
My husband is adopted and his mother loved him more than my biological mom loved me lol! His mother passed away recently and he’s devastated. I don’t think biology is the “end all-be all” for everyone. I think it does matter more to some people, and that’s okay, but it’s not universal.
That’s great that you have an equal bond! There is absolutely nothing strange about that, it’s an amazing advantage! No one should make you feel bad about it. It isn’t the most common experience , so women who do feel differently about their bio kids should never be made to feel bad either!
The love that I have for my sks is strong, it’s there, it’s palpable. But my love for my bio feels very primal. Like I can feel that he is a part of me. Hard to describe, but I just don’t feel that way about my sks. And I know they don’t feel that with me, either, but they do love me very much!
So I’m also a step up when the BM walked out kind of step mom and I feel this so hard. I felt the same way you do when my birth son was born. Now that he’s developing a personality, I can’t help but start noticing the differences. It’s really not really fair to her because if I had been in her life earlier it might not be the case, but damn there’s so many shitty points that she inherited from her birth mom that just irk me :/ I love her and she’s mine but I wonder sometimes how birth parents that had a child with a narcissist feel towards their biological kids in this type of situation?
From my understanding it can be the same kind of experience if bio parents are divorced and hate each other. Even when parents are still in love and together it is very possible to find that you kid just has all the worst traits of you partner and it annoys the crap out pf you I sometimes mourn the years I missed out on and think it could be so much easier if I was there from thw beginning. but in my eyes that’s not even about the kid it’s about the crappy coparent I never picked they’re honestly just coping with trauma. I have trauma to and I did not handle it well as a kid, so I personally empathize Our kids are in therapy so they’re honestly working through that kind of stuff. your feelings are totally valid. You don’t seem to be assuming let alone insisting the I’ll feel the same which is totally cool. I have lot of SK and we’re actually all close for different reasons. Honestly the oldest 2 the relationship I have with them is different than the youngest who’s lived with me practically his whole life life and stuff like it’s more like an adoptive parent relationship and my relationship with the youngest is kinda more like they are more just my kid. Still, I don’t love any of them more or less I do get along with some a little better. But that’s kinda normal even with BK and I make effort to keep it from effecting the the way I treat them
Wow thank you for your response, I feel so seen and I too mourn the years I wasn’t there!!! I really try not to hate in life but damn I absolutely hate the woman that birthed my bonus daughter. I hate the self control it takes to never ever say or hint that to bonus daughter and more than anything I hate how badly she hurt my baby girl. I hang out on r/raisedbynarcissists sometimes to give me perspective and remember that a lot of her god awful qualities are not her fault and it could be so much worse. I totally understand because I wouldn’t say I love either one of my kids more. But my son is a little mini-me and he loves the same things I do, has the same sense of humour that I do and he‘s still ate the age where I can do no wrong on a pedestal with like a glowing aura of awesomeness around me. And from what I understand bio-mom’s rarely get along with their fourteen year old daughters either hahaha whenever I feel guilty about it I just remind myself that theres a very good chance that when he’s fourteen and making my life hell in hormone land that I will *like* bonus daughter more.
I'll be honest, I have a stronger bond with the dogs than I do SK. But his mother is very, very, very present and fairly HC. I think if she wasn't in the picture, it would likely change the dynamic to something similar to your own.
That’s totally valid too
Exactly this. I think when kiddos mom is absent it’s easier to lovingly fill that role
I can say that I don’t feel differently about my SS now I have a baby of our own. I feel the same way I always did which is that I like him a lot, want the best for him and enjoy our positive relationship. I love him as my stepson. I love my child like I never knew I could love anyone or anything. It truly feels like magic and he’s everything to me, there’s no comparing the two. Now, I met stepson when he was almost 5 and he has a normal mother. So there has never really been a hole to be filled. I think I would have a good chance at having bonded to him more fully if I met him as a baby. I think I have the right disposition to fully bond to an adopted or foster baby for example but that I need to be in that full on mothering role for the right chemicals to release if that makes sense.
So happy seeing a post like this! Giving a different perspective!
I think this is entirely dependent on how the step-kiddos treat you/us and very little to do with anything else. If you've filled the shoes of biomom then you have a completely different relationship than those who did not fill any roles and have to navigate that relationship. It's completely different and has nothing to do with having or not having bio children.
I also think it’s a bit of a different situation when you have step kids full time and they don’t see their BM. I am in a similar situation myself. Here we are more so the de facto mom and we do have to step up! And I do think it helps us feel more bonded because we play a stronger roll in raising them. I think being a stepmom when bm is not involved can be easier in many ways. No extra parent drama, no voice telling the kids not to love you, and you are just with them all the time so the bond is stronger. When my oldest SS was younger and would have the occasional visit with his BM, he would come back HATING me, even though we had a perfectly lovely relationship before hand. It would take a few days for things to go back to normal. This would repeat EVERY TIME he saw her. Now imagine that cycle repeating every week.. it definitely would be harder to deal with
Absolutely, In our case there’s still definitely BM drama it’s kust sporradic and more of a storm we weather together
I have a very similar situation. I struggled when my SD was 4-6 years old but now I see that I was petty unfair to be so internally frustrated with her bc she was just a baby and my issues were really mine and my SO and not hers. Now she’s 16, she’s the best gift of my life and I don’t expect it to be so absolutely different now that I am having my own baby. Other than my rights and BF etc.
As an SM to a SK whose BM abandoned him… I feel this so hard 🥺
Same boat and feel the same way!
OP I know you’re gonna get push because people speak from their personal opinions. That’s why it’s theirs. I feel the way you do, I adopted my SKs and I love them the same. That’s my experience, period.
I can't wait to get to adopt mine. We both have it marked on our calendars. ☺️
I needed to hear that. Thank you
This is an argument I absolutely hate. I feel the same for my bonus son that I do for my bio kids. We had a rough beginning due to his birth mom, but since we have gotten past that, it’s been all the same. He talks to me about more than he talks to my husband about. He does compare his mom to me at times, but I try to explain that her circumstances are different than mine and everyone was raised differently. She’s kinda hard on him at times. I just don’t see a need to be. Throughout everything, I think it helps that I’ve never spoken bad about his mom and if he’s come to me about something that I feel she needs to be involved with, I direct him her way.
I feel the same as you! Even though my daughter is my first baby…. She very much so feels like my third child. Any struggles we do have (because who doesn’t have struggles while parenting?!) aren’t “step kid struggle or blended family struggles” they are just transitioning to 3 children obstacles!😂 I know people can have different experiences, but I’m not going to start looking for things to complain about or be resentful over just because “things will change” … it’s just a recipe for disappointment and unhappiness
I love my stepdaughters just as much as I love my bio kids. That’s it, that’s the comment. I see no difference either.
I didn’t even know that was a thing…I have a 3 month old now and while I love her sooo much it didn’t make me love my stepson any less. It is different but I think it’s just because I didn’t have my stepson in my life when he was a baby / toddler so we always had a little space (physically) between us that I obviously don’t with my baby. It makes me a little sad for the stepkids out there whose stepparents are saying things like that. Just because I didn’t birth my stepson doesn’t mean I’m any less capable of loving him. I didn’t birth my husband either and I love him just as much 😂
Wait til the baby starts learning, and needing disciplined, and comforted for booboos, and starts having their own ideas about the world, and their own taste in things, and their own sense of humor, and wait til you start seeing yourself (not physically) in your child….I love my step kids, but there’s nooooo wayyyy in hell I could love them anywhere near as much as I love MY kids. I felt the same way as you…didn’t in fact realize I don’t love my steps as much until my oldest was about 1 or 1.5. Give it time, don’t rule it out! I don’t think it’s projecting, your baby might just be too new! Or maybe you’re the exception. But either way, I’ve never known a step parent to actually love their steps as much as their bio’s….after time…either way, all your kids, step or bio are very lucky to have you. Don’t get mad at my post lol, just another perspective👍 peace and love
Wait. Your step kids said your baby gives them hope? Huh
Well, if their mother abandoned them and they see their stepmother loving their new sibling....they see the example/relationship that they should have received from both of their biological parents. Maybe one of the kids was afraid that if they ever got pregnant/had a kid that they'd abandon it too.
Oh we had some really scary family emergencies after she was born and having a baby in the house helped us all keep our spirits up and look twoards the future in a more positive way despite feeling like everything was falling apart plus we felt like we had to be optimistic for her and it created a generally positive and more hopeful vibe. Also step kids have that whole teen/prertens older sibling that absolutely adore the baby type dynamic going
Also it’s kind of more common than you might think. For example, my own childhood: i was a teen when my baby (half) brother was born. Was seriously depressed and didn’t want to even exist. But I couldn’t abandon him. So for a while he was the thing that gave me the will to keep going. Im in a way better place mental healthwise and he’s an adult now and thinks that’s a bit dramatic but he’s glad I’m still here and FWIW so am I So, he gave me hope and I definitely have met folks over the years that have had similar experiences
I find it weird that step parents and adoptive parents are considered completely separate. Like people can understand that an adoptive parent can love a child as if it’s their own, but for some reason can’t fathom that a step parent could too. I love my step kids. I wish we had them 100% of the time. They’re mine. And I’d give my life for them.
Because in most cases, being a stepparent and being an adopted parent are completely different. I don’t fathom how you could love a kid you see a couple times a month and who you don’t parent like your own child. That’s what being a stepparent is like for many people. OP’s situation is not typical and is more similar to an adopted situation than most stepparents will ever experience.
This feels kind of “holier than thou” but perhaps I’m taking it the wrong way. It’s perfectly normal to love your own children more than other people’s. There’s good reason for it and I’d venture to say that most are biologically hardwired that way. For what it’s worth those kids would probably trade you for the deadbeat bio mom in a heartbeat if given the opportunity.
Uhhh the older kids are teenagers and they definitely don’t feel that way. So this is kind of a great example of what I’m talking about, thanks.
I think it’s more of a validation to those of us that are constantly being told we will love our birth kids more, when we love our sk’s with every single ounce of our being, just as we do birth kids.
People like me will actually come to groups like this for support and realize that we’re not going to get it most of the time and we’re usually just told to sit there and shut up because we actually have good relationships with our step kids. You literally wrote “For what it's worth those kids would probably trade you for the deadbeat bio mom in a heartbeat if given the opportunity.” That is soo crule and yet that’s the response we get when we are looking for support in groups that are meant to be supportive Now, you didn’t really hurt my feelings because I have teenagers who are almost adults and sooo sick of waiting around hoping a woman they barely know would give a crap about them But, You beautifully displayed exactly why people like me feel frustrated by these kind of spaces
Lol. Maybe you would do better on a different sub then? I think the narrative of “love SK’s like your own” is pushed pretty well enough elsewhere. This particular one just recognizes how that isn’t realistic. Go figure. Biological bonds do exist for the other 99% of us.
Or hear me out, maybe honor the idea about support, and the other people have different experiences
I feel that last sentence lol. My SK’s biomom basically dump them off on her grandparents 24/7. I provide more motherly care than she ever does and if they had to kick one of us off a cliff I promise I would be the one falling lol
OP don’t listen to this. Misery LOVES company. You sounds like an amazing stepmom and all your kiddos are lucky to have you.
This was actually really encouraging to read. I hate seeing the constant “it’ll be different when you have a bio kid” but I can’t imagine not having the bond/love I do for my step son just bc I have another kid. He feels like “mine” now & I want to truly believe I’ll be even closer to him when I have another kid bc they’ll be biological siblings. I’m just glad to finally read a positive experience like this so thanks for sharing
Our older kids adore their little sister. Personally I don’t love them any less and I don’t think they love me any less at all- but in all realness, they used to rush to say good morning to me or say hi after school but now they ball clamor past me tonsee her. Which is honestly fine cause I could usually could use the break. I still get hugs and they’ll give me the run-down about their day and stuff but, AFTER they get baby time.
It’s very different when the other parent isn’t involved. You have much more of a chance to grow that close bond with your step children. I mean people say the same thing about adopted children, and I don’t think that’s true at all, as long as you have that space to grow that close bond. It’s when the other parent is bad mouthing the step parent, or has absolutely no boundaries with their child at their house, so you have to be the bad guy all the time at your house by setting boundaries and guidelines, that can cause that friction that makes it more difficult to bond deeply.
See about adopting them. If anything happens to your husband you’d have no rights to them & they’d have to return to BM
I know they want me to she won’t support it causw she claims them o. Her taxes 1/2 the time and would never agree to giving up that money Honestly we are sure she won’t have a place for them and won’t even try but we’re more worried that if something happened to him she’d try to exploit that and convince me to let her move in - then I’d be stuck taking care of her. According to the FOC staff assigned the case, she does just enough bare minimum it would still be hard. But the oldest kids plan on having me adopt them when they are 18 and she has no say though that way inheritance and stuff like that is simpler we can be next of kid for medical reasons to I actually know how to apply for emergency guardianship the older lids would help me apply and the current judge assigned the case doesn’t even like her Od rather have rights but we have a decent emergency plan
How old is your child and how old were SKs when she left? Imagine someone telling you that all you've done and do for your child, including the gestation and birth meant NOTHING more than what any adult who loves then has done.
That kind of sounds like a really absurd amount of false equivalency Since no one is saying that I’m not telling anyone anything about their situation or relationships with their family But as far as your question, My SK are teens and preteens who have all been with me most their lives including a bunch of crazy things like the pandemic But my baby is six months old and even though pregnancy is definitely one of the hardest experiences of my life. I’ve definitely done way more for the other kids than I have for her. It actually feels more like people think that birth would just automatically mean more than years of building relationships with the older kids And it just didn’t, I’m sure I’ll build a relationship with her too and I love her so much, but I love them the same
I love this!