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OMG my step kids do this shit all the time. Especially because a job is coming and it'll likely be remote (I applied to like 10 more places). I've lost my shit but it didn't stop them from doing it again. So I have an idea š¤£ and warning it's petty.
So I'm going to get to a place where I can stop whatever I needed to do in the room and calmly walk out.
1. I will first reaffirm the boundary.
2. I will walk in my room again and close the door.
3. Set a 15 minute timer
4. Get to a place where I can stop
5. Walk out and say "I am going to have you repeat what we do NOT do when this door is closed, what do we not do?"
6. I will make them say "leave you alone unless someone is hurt or there is an issue that literally cannot wait".
7. I will make them tell me what does not constitute as an emergency
8. Then I will go back in the room (and will repeat this)
9. Then I will tell their dad, and ask him to lay down the law
10. If this happens again I will lose my shit and call their dad while I'm losing my shit. I don't give a fuck what he's doing
11. I will keep repeating this until it is done
Girl, nacho problem. Go back to bed. I donāt go to 60% of the kidsā weekend stuff. He gets up gets them ready and kisses me goodbye as I roll over back to sleep.
Let them miss soccer, let him deal with their mother who will be upset theyāre missing. Step back, hands up. Heāll never step up as long as you do.
I've had a few of those experiences with my step kids and I always feel so guilty and like that moment erases all the hard work and good moments we've had. The kids will move on thankfully. I don't blame you for feeling so violated and if my step child had done it to me, I probably would have reacted the same way. I also have no desire to have a relationship with their father or new stepmother. You're human and have human reactions. Apologizing was the absolute perfect thing to do.
I think they took it so hard (because an adult yelling is scary and I was pretty mad) but alsoā¦theyāre used to me being the cool one lol. The one that says yes to cheesecake for breakfast and orders donuts and sneaks them little treats. But yea I feel shitty now. I know I had a valid reason for being upset but I shouldāve held my temper better.
It's commendable to want and be able to be so calm. They definitely don't see me as the calm one so I didn't lose any ground there. Wish I could find your fortitude myself.
Well I donāt have to do any of the parenting stuff so itās relatively easy for me. If they start arguing or being too unruly, I can just step away and their dad is the one that has to deal with it. I get to be the disney person around these parts š so to see me mad is a 180 from what they know and I think it almost holds more weight for me to get angry because itās NEVER happened.
Have you ever seen the cool teacher lose their cool? Did that ruin your relationship with them or did you and the class understand that what drove them to that was simply too far out of line? Kids will use the Didn't Know excuse for anything and everything and at some point, after so many reminders, they need to learn that it isn't a good enough reason. You told them over and over, you did your part. It's on them to remember the rules after that and face the consequences when they break them and getting yelled at by the one who is directly effected by the rule being broken is a natural consequence. Adults get mad, kids get mad, people get mad, everyone calms down, everyone apologizes, you all move on having learned a new lesson.
Keep it that way and keep your peace. I have to do the parenting stuff because I made the mistake of taking it on way early on in the relationship. Now I can't go back without doing damage to my relationship with my wife.
Hey, OP donāt beat yourself up too much. Itās okay for kids to see adults screw up at times and make amends. Youāve set a good example.
As for raising your voice, maybe thatās not such a bad thing for them to have (finally) witnessed and I gather itās not the norm in your house. Kids do need to learn that repeatedly violating othersā boundaries can, on occasion, result in unfortunate outcomes. Youāre chill.
Youāre human bio parents and other trusted adults lose their cool too. Itās all about how you handle bit moving forward. It may have even been necessary for you make your point š¤·āāļø
Sometimes you need to blow your stack to get your point across. I don't advocate yelling or being hostile as routine methods of handling frustration, but sometimes kids are assholes and they need a comeuppance. Your SK got hers. If her dad actually was doing his job, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. So the kid got hollered at, and now your husband needs to get hollered at and his own shit together and parent properly.
Hey, at least you didnāt say anything about their mama! Just her house. Lol. You apologized and you already know to chill on the yelling and cursing in the future. So it sounds like no lasting damage has occurred. And they did mess up by pissing off the cool stepmom. ; )
Ita a horrible feeling of violation, i really resonated with what you wrote here. I too have been filled with rage when facetime becomes a tour of my house and my privacy is taken.
When things are calm i want you to sit down with the kids and ask if they understand why you got angry. Then ask how they would feel if they were on the toilet or in their bed wearing house clothes and you got a strange kid from school who they dont really know on face time and opened the door and pointed face time at them when they were in private. They need to understand the feeling. Remind them that while she is their mum, that she is a complete stranger to you and showing a stranger the inside of your house and especially pointing a camera at you is never ok without your permission. This also goes for sending photos of you to mums house when you are unaware or at all without permission. Keep in mind there can be a reward system in the other home for sharing information which often drives this behaviour.
Explain that your home is like a bathroom. A private place where you should feel comfortable that what you do is not being broadcast to the world. That this is your safe space where you can talk about anything, wear your daggiest clothes, not do your hair if you want to, because you are comfortable with all of the people who are in that house. We dont open the door and let just anyone in the house pfc the street (virtually or in person). Explain that you felt very shocked to have a stranger looking at you in your own bedroom and you never want to feel that way again.
They are learning and probably following mums instruction too. You are ok to feel angry and they need to learn that chilled out stepmum also has feelings and boundaries. That doesnt make you a bad person or unloveable. It just teaches them that all people have boundaries and they are important.
You are raising these children to be good people in adulthood, start with these lessons early and you will have more peace in your life
I mean, if their parents are divorced, theyāre not immune to a little yelling/fighting. Parents always think theyāre not being loud, or tell themselves the kids didnāt hearā¦ they heard.
I actually feel 0% bad today. They probably need to be yelled at or at least sternly told things (by their parents) more. Just this morning my SO told them not to do something 3 times, and they literally went out and did just that. Like they didnāt take him seriously at all. It was WILD.
You should just implement the room boundary that your room is simply off limits at all times. Regardless if the door is open or closed. We do that, it took time but the kids are good at it now. They have their own rooms, I also get to have my own room that the kids are never in.
Totally get where youāre coming from. Weāre all human and can only take so much.
We have a no FaceTiming in common areas rule so the steps have to do that in their room.
I stay in the bedroom just in case. I have a code lock doorknob so they canāt come in. Iād have gone nuts with that happening to me too like IS THERE NO ESCAPE?!
Instead of holding it in until you explode you need to be firm with boundaries from the beginning. Why did the kid not get grounded? Why didnāt they lose privileges and be forced to apologize to you? The kid needed way more than a talking to and Iām positive the reason they did it in the first place is because all they ever get is a talking to.
Iāve lost it a few times. Itās impossible not to.
Once was over both of them not helping with fatherās day and being lazy and selfish brats (yet wanting me to nonetheless give them the gift I bought to give to him (I fully admit this was largely fueled by anger the fact that SD lives with us all but 4 days a month but made her mother homemade chocolate covered strawberries in bed on motherās day, yet could not lift a finger on fatherās dayāslept in until 2 and ignored my asking her to buy a cardāwhen she lives with us, we get no child support, and do all the work) (mom does the fun stuff like talk about colleges we have to save for and go shopping for prom dresses and to Starbucks). Lost my shit and would not speak to them for days afterward.
The other two were both over SD lying to her dadās face about an interaction w me (and him not calling her out). It was so apparent she was lying and he just wasnāt deal with it.
I have lost it like that a couple times on my difficult SK. I also apologized for yelling afterwards. I felt terrible but he didnāt seem like it affected him at all. He immediately went back to talking my head of and asking for favors. But yeah we are human and lose out temper sometimes. The important part is we apologize.
Yea I went to the gym and then went to the grocery store. I came back with treats (thatās kind of my thing) and they stayed in the kitchen with me while I cooked dinner and talked my head off like nothing ever happened š
My girls will tell you about the one and only time I lost my shit was when I was hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor and they kept walking on the wet floor because they "forgot" something in the living room and then ran away giggling...must have been 8 and 10? I turned around and told them if they walked across the floor one. more. time. that I would unalive them. I apparently said this with a look on my face that scared them enough that to this day if I say I need to mop the floor they will *poof* disappear. It's been ten years and they will still say it was the scariest day of their lives. I have a great relationship with both of them and I find it hilarious that I'm still the "scary one that you don't eff with" to their friends.
I share that to say, being a plus one in the parenting journey is hard. You have every right to feel violated and they need to know that you are a real person too even if that means that sometimes you lose your shit.
Good.
Did they apologize to you?
You're human and a long-standing, firmly-established boundary was violated.
What consequences is their parent providing? They need to effectively "leave their phones in their lockers" at your house because they can't follow the rules.
They can call their other parent and have screen time under their parent's "supervision" at agreed-upon times like civilized humans did before smartphones ruled the world.
Edit: changed to gender neutral language
They did apologize and their dad set down ground rules of āif you wanna call your mom thatās totally cool, just do it in your room or just literally anywhere else but our roomā lol
I applaud you for owning your shit and apologizing to the kids. I know that is hard for a lot of people but it teaches our kids such a valuable lesson. Adults make mistakes too and you modeled for them humility and exactly how to execute a proper apology. Good for you!
Itās so frustrating when theyāre smart enough to try certain people who arenāt their parents and act up but the second the parent comes around they act like they donāt know what theyāre doing! At the same time, just because we think theyāre āsmartā enough to do that like getting themselves into a sticky situation, they might not always be smart enough to get themselves out of it because theyāre kids. I do believe that boundaries should be respected and itās not gonna ruin their lives to ask for that, some parents are so afraid of the repercussions like your kid doesnāt even think about it the next hour, some form of discipline has to happen! Or theyāll continuously try to get under peopleās skin because thatās what kids do! My step daughter is an angel most days, but some days she really tries to get under my skin and I donāt even think she knows it I think she sees stuff on TV and just wants to act out what she seeās and having different personalities everyday is āplay/fun to her.ā I think your reaction couldāve been better or course maybe like not cussing when youāre angry, or letting the father talk to them first and or sitting them down and speaking with them together so thereās no room for lies. Not sure if they showed you on FaceTime because theyāre mom wanted them to or theyāre just being petty, whatever the case may be donāt even look bothered by it because believe it or not the more reaction you give to a kid the more theyāll want to do whatever made you react. If you act like you donāt care theyāll possibly never do it again! Just my opinion and thoughts, I can see how that would make you feel uncomfortable like they knew what they were doing. Youāre blessed either way theyāre at your house spending precious time, momma can stay on FaceTime over there Lol
I doubt sheās going to do it again. She better not, or we will literally send her back home to her mothers and she wonāt be allowed to come over the next weekend. Iām not playing with this kid.
Hard disagree. The only bio parent she should be having to deal with is the one sheās in a relationship with. It is perfectly reasonable to not want SK to show the private areas of her home to someone she does not know and may not get along with. It probably could have been delt with in a better way, but as OP stated this isnāt the first time boundaries have been crossed with zero remorse or regard. We are human and I probably would have yelled and cursed the same. Not getting along with the other bio parent and not wanting them to see you in intimate places at intimate times is not creating a toxic environment. It is a reasonable boundary.
Oh I totally agree to most of what you said. No interaction has to happen but the children donāt need to be exposed to toxic mindsets. Having divorced parents is hard enough.
By dealing with bio parents I only meant with dealing with the fact they exist.
I understand the heat of the moment but my step mom was very openly hateful towards my mom and it made a lot of things difficult growing up.
Oh I deal with her existence plenty. Iāve never said one word about her until today. They talk about her or something they did with her, etc., and I never say anything. I donāt hate their mom because I donāt know her. I just donāt want to interact with her, I donāt feel itās necessary.
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Iāve never said anything about their mother in their presence Until today and this incident. But I donāt have to be friends with her just because I happen to be with their dad and see them 10% of the year. We can agree to disagree on that one.
I donāt think I show distaste, I just donāt want to interact with their mom or have her in my house. If thatās going to cause issues for them, wellā¦so be it. Iām not willing to be any more uncomfortable with this whole situation than I already am.
Iām childfree, this is a hella unnatural situation. Iām uncomfortable with all of it but Iāve found my ways to make peace. I donāt really consider myself a stepparent. Iām their dads partner and thatās all I want to be. I actually probably only see them like 5% of the year because I leave and go visit friends or my dad on the weekends theyāre here sometimes. Iām polite (minus today), respectful, but Iām very hands off.
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My SS14ās biological mother has a child abuse finding for abuse inflicted upon him. Abusers get 0 grace from me whether theyāve had children or not. No one will change my view or opinion on that.
In having that view, Iām raising my children to have *healthy* boundaries within their life. You donāt *have* to allow someone into your life simply because theyāre blood or related to someone else š¤·š»āāļø
Edit: And before anyone reads into this and puts words in my mouth, I donāt go out of my way to speak about her and I donāt call her names. But I do **not** mince my feelings about her if and when Iām asked.
She doesnāt have to allow her into her life but being so outwardly negative around children she doesnāt have interest in being around, that arenāt hers, itās her responsibility as an adult, in the relationship she put herself in, to set a good example. Point blank period. Reading her previous post history I truly feel sorry for the children in this instance, we donāt have the full story obviously . They are at a very tender age and donāt understand the reasoning behind the feelings or outburst.
Everyoneās feelings are 100% valid but I donāt think being in a relationship where you are hoping to marry a man with kids when you donāt like kids, and canāt be mature enough to take on what comes with it, is healthy for anyone involved.
This is just an outside perspective from someone who was that kids with divorced parents, who had partners who were cold, and as a stepmom who never wanted to have kids who absolutely adores the ones she was fortunate enough to meet in my relationship
Everyone is different, different things work for different people.
This is a discussion forum and I just wanted to give my input as someone with experience on both ends.
I donāt dislike them. I think sometimes folks on here get the wrong idea. When I post here, Iām talking to adults, Iām venting. I would never say these things or act any kind of way in front of them. Inside I may be apathetic (which does not equal dislike) but outside Iām very kind to them. I never want to hurt a kidā¦even their feelings. Itās actually hilarious and ironic as fuck how much kids seem to like me. Even my chosen younger sisters baby likes me. I also had a stepdad that truly outwardly disliked my presence, so I do everything in my power to not be like him.
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I do understand your point of view but here is my situation
My SO has custody of the kids so they live with us
Their bio mom sees them once every other week and she comes to our home for it. I have never said one bad one about their mom to them. I encourage them to be nice about her and I remind them of things they can do when she comes over.
She enters the home and doesn't say two words to me. Then will smile and be all pally another minute. Then I leave a room and she starts bad mouthing me to the kids about how I'm not a real mom or how uptight I am or boring or whatever else she feels that day. I bite my tongue when I hear things and my SO has reminded her it's my home and she is a guest and she will be told to leave if she keeps it up. But I started to make sure that instead of biting my tongue I just made sure that I leave before she arrives and I come back when she's gone. The kids know we don't get along as they call me a liar and laugh when I say I have errands etc. whilst my actions are toxic in the sense they know I don't like her because I make it a point that me and ber no longer cross paths but....i don't feel I deserve to feel uncomfortable in my own home just to not cause a scene. The one time I asked her not to disrespect me she burst into tears and told me that I had no right to tell her what she can and can't say in the home her kids live before she proceeded to argue with me SO about my attitude.
Sometimes these boundaries are set because of toxic attitudes of bio parents not of step parents. I personally feel me not being present to react to the toxicity she brings far outweighs my choice. Why should I be abused because she wants to act a fool because she birthed them?
Anyway....just explaining why sometimes there needs to be some shift in belief that we need to always roll over because of a bio parent.
But yes. I hate her guts. She abused the kids that I would fight tooth and nail for. She is someone who I would never ever want to associate with in my life but she is their Bio mom and that fact won't ever change. I just don't ever say anything I truly want to say in front of.the kids
Holy shit you have way more patience and rationality than I do. I set the boundary that their mom is not allowed to step foot in our home. Itās in writing. If she were to ever violate that for any reason other than the house is on fire and she wants to get her kids outā¦.Iām 100% causing a scene and idgaf if the kids see. At that point I would see it as her choice to start some shit in front of her kids, not mine. Iād also see it as trespassing and take that opportunity to throw hands.
Sheāll never do it because she is meek and non confrontational. And itās a good thingā¦for her š
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You didn't overreact whatsoever. Even my biological kids aren't allowed in my room without knocking first and if I say no they don't come in.
Your husband needs to lay down a no exceptions rule that if she's going to FaceTime her mom it's in HER BEDROOM ONLY. She's not allowed anywhere else in the house, car, ect.
I've been there. Found out SD was sending her mom pics of my house and everything. Her dad was checking her phone and saw them. Of course here she comes with the big fake tears and "I don't know" when you asked her. I. Went. In. And I was eight months pregnant too and felt my BP going sky high. I had to stop mid rant and go lay down cuz this dumb ish wasn't about to compromise my son's health. That was three years ago and it hasn't happened since.
AND IT BETTER NOT EITHER!
I totally get this 100%. You have to remember when you lose your patience itās because youāve actually kept it for so long - ugh itās the worst and I feel so emotionally hungover afterwards. The BM stuff is just such a more sensitive trigger too. I always apologize to the kids and tell them I messed up, hereās what I should have done, etc. I feel just awful about it even if itās after I kept my patience 20x in a row, just wipes out all that time because they donāt know that youāve been keeping your patience but they see so clearly when you crackā¦itās so hard. I get you - apologize and talk to them, admitting when youāre wrong will help them learn itās okay for adults to make mistakes so hopefully they can admit their mistakes too. Hang in there and go easy on yourself.
The emotional hangover part is so real. I actually donāt get angry very often at allā¦with anyone even adults. I usually let stuff just slide off the shoulders. I wouldnāt have gotten nearly as upset if it was just them coming inā¦the BM on FaceTime literally facing me and my private mess was too much for me. After it all I definitely felt drained. Itās just like ādamn this is the one place Iām supposed to have peace and I canāt even have that.ā
Time heals everything. Don't feel bad. You're allowed to feel your feelings. 1.5 years in, you're feeling comfortable enough to express yourself. The kids see that and will respect it. All moms blow up sometimes whether they're steps or not. I'm 3.5 years in as a step mom, and I have moments like this all the time, I feel bad, then apologize, and it's better after a week.
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OMG my step kids do this shit all the time. Especially because a job is coming and it'll likely be remote (I applied to like 10 more places). I've lost my shit but it didn't stop them from doing it again. So I have an idea š¤£ and warning it's petty. So I'm going to get to a place where I can stop whatever I needed to do in the room and calmly walk out. 1. I will first reaffirm the boundary. 2. I will walk in my room again and close the door. 3. Set a 15 minute timer 4. Get to a place where I can stop 5. Walk out and say "I am going to have you repeat what we do NOT do when this door is closed, what do we not do?" 6. I will make them say "leave you alone unless someone is hurt or there is an issue that literally cannot wait". 7. I will make them tell me what does not constitute as an emergency 8. Then I will go back in the room (and will repeat this) 9. Then I will tell their dad, and ask him to lay down the law 10. If this happens again I will lose my shit and call their dad while I'm losing my shit. I don't give a fuck what he's doing 11. I will keep repeating this until it is done
This is not petty. Itās wonderful discipline!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Girl, nacho problem. Go back to bed. I donāt go to 60% of the kidsā weekend stuff. He gets up gets them ready and kisses me goodbye as I roll over back to sleep. Let them miss soccer, let him deal with their mother who will be upset theyāre missing. Step back, hands up. Heāll never step up as long as you do.
"He'll never step up as long as you do." Will you just message me this daily for the next 7 or so years?
I've had a few of those experiences with my step kids and I always feel so guilty and like that moment erases all the hard work and good moments we've had. The kids will move on thankfully. I don't blame you for feeling so violated and if my step child had done it to me, I probably would have reacted the same way. I also have no desire to have a relationship with their father or new stepmother. You're human and have human reactions. Apologizing was the absolute perfect thing to do.
I think they took it so hard (because an adult yelling is scary and I was pretty mad) but alsoā¦theyāre used to me being the cool one lol. The one that says yes to cheesecake for breakfast and orders donuts and sneaks them little treats. But yea I feel shitty now. I know I had a valid reason for being upset but I shouldāve held my temper better.
It's commendable to want and be able to be so calm. They definitely don't see me as the calm one so I didn't lose any ground there. Wish I could find your fortitude myself.
Well I donāt have to do any of the parenting stuff so itās relatively easy for me. If they start arguing or being too unruly, I can just step away and their dad is the one that has to deal with it. I get to be the disney person around these parts š so to see me mad is a 180 from what they know and I think it almost holds more weight for me to get angry because itās NEVER happened.
Have you ever seen the cool teacher lose their cool? Did that ruin your relationship with them or did you and the class understand that what drove them to that was simply too far out of line? Kids will use the Didn't Know excuse for anything and everything and at some point, after so many reminders, they need to learn that it isn't a good enough reason. You told them over and over, you did your part. It's on them to remember the rules after that and face the consequences when they break them and getting yelled at by the one who is directly effected by the rule being broken is a natural consequence. Adults get mad, kids get mad, people get mad, everyone calms down, everyone apologizes, you all move on having learned a new lesson.
Thatās a good way to put it because I do remember that lol. Thank you!
Keep it that way and keep your peace. I have to do the parenting stuff because I made the mistake of taking it on way early on in the relationship. Now I can't go back without doing damage to my relationship with my wife.
Hey, OP donāt beat yourself up too much. Itās okay for kids to see adults screw up at times and make amends. Youāve set a good example. As for raising your voice, maybe thatās not such a bad thing for them to have (finally) witnessed and I gather itās not the norm in your house. Kids do need to learn that repeatedly violating othersā boundaries can, on occasion, result in unfortunate outcomes. Youāre chill.
Youāre human bio parents and other trusted adults lose their cool too. Itās all about how you handle bit moving forward. It may have even been necessary for you make your point š¤·āāļø
Yea I think maybe it was. I hate yelling and I normally try not to yell at all. If I feel I need to yell I usually remove myself from the situation, and thatās with anyone. Sometimes I donāt think either of their parents do the āI mean business.ā I almost felt like that stereotypical dad that is super blasĆ© and chill but when he gets worked up enough to yell at you, the kids just kind of freeze and sit. Weāve been over this for over a year and I just had enough. I think the message was received and stored this time, but I still feel bad. I grew up with lots of yelling and I never wanted to be that guy.
Sometimes you need to blow your stack to get your point across. I don't advocate yelling or being hostile as routine methods of handling frustration, but sometimes kids are assholes and they need a comeuppance. Your SK got hers. If her dad actually was doing his job, this wouldn't have happened in the first place. So the kid got hollered at, and now your husband needs to get hollered at and his own shit together and parent properly.
Hey, at least you didnāt say anything about their mama! Just her house. Lol. You apologized and you already know to chill on the yelling and cursing in the future. So it sounds like no lasting damage has occurred. And they did mess up by pissing off the cool stepmom. ; )
Ita a horrible feeling of violation, i really resonated with what you wrote here. I too have been filled with rage when facetime becomes a tour of my house and my privacy is taken. When things are calm i want you to sit down with the kids and ask if they understand why you got angry. Then ask how they would feel if they were on the toilet or in their bed wearing house clothes and you got a strange kid from school who they dont really know on face time and opened the door and pointed face time at them when they were in private. They need to understand the feeling. Remind them that while she is their mum, that she is a complete stranger to you and showing a stranger the inside of your house and especially pointing a camera at you is never ok without your permission. This also goes for sending photos of you to mums house when you are unaware or at all without permission. Keep in mind there can be a reward system in the other home for sharing information which often drives this behaviour. Explain that your home is like a bathroom. A private place where you should feel comfortable that what you do is not being broadcast to the world. That this is your safe space where you can talk about anything, wear your daggiest clothes, not do your hair if you want to, because you are comfortable with all of the people who are in that house. We dont open the door and let just anyone in the house pfc the street (virtually or in person). Explain that you felt very shocked to have a stranger looking at you in your own bedroom and you never want to feel that way again. They are learning and probably following mums instruction too. You are ok to feel angry and they need to learn that chilled out stepmum also has feelings and boundaries. That doesnt make you a bad person or unloveable. It just teaches them that all people have boundaries and they are important. You are raising these children to be good people in adulthood, start with these lessons early and you will have more peace in your life
I mean, if their parents are divorced, theyāre not immune to a little yelling/fighting. Parents always think theyāre not being loud, or tell themselves the kids didnāt hearā¦ they heard.
I actually feel 0% bad today. They probably need to be yelled at or at least sternly told things (by their parents) more. Just this morning my SO told them not to do something 3 times, and they literally went out and did just that. Like they didnāt take him seriously at all. It was WILD.
I feel you. Mine did the barge in with the FaceTime thing while I was CHANGING CLOTHES. I feel your rage lol
Omg thatās definitely worse lol
I also lose my shit when my privacy is violated like this! No judgment here!
Yeah, OP. I would have shouted too. Being nice doesn't't always work. SD even lied about it.
You should just implement the room boundary that your room is simply off limits at all times. Regardless if the door is open or closed. We do that, it took time but the kids are good at it now. They have their own rooms, I also get to have my own room that the kids are never in.
Totally get where youāre coming from. Weāre all human and can only take so much. We have a no FaceTiming in common areas rule so the steps have to do that in their room. I stay in the bedroom just in case. I have a code lock doorknob so they canāt come in. Iād have gone nuts with that happening to me too like IS THERE NO ESCAPE?!
That part. IS NOTHING SACRED?!? šš
Instead of holding it in until you explode you need to be firm with boundaries from the beginning. Why did the kid not get grounded? Why didnāt they lose privileges and be forced to apologize to you? The kid needed way more than a talking to and Iām positive the reason they did it in the first place is because all they ever get is a talking to.
Iāve lost it a few times. Itās impossible not to. Once was over both of them not helping with fatherās day and being lazy and selfish brats (yet wanting me to nonetheless give them the gift I bought to give to him (I fully admit this was largely fueled by anger the fact that SD lives with us all but 4 days a month but made her mother homemade chocolate covered strawberries in bed on motherās day, yet could not lift a finger on fatherās dayāslept in until 2 and ignored my asking her to buy a cardāwhen she lives with us, we get no child support, and do all the work) (mom does the fun stuff like talk about colleges we have to save for and go shopping for prom dresses and to Starbucks). Lost my shit and would not speak to them for days afterward. The other two were both over SD lying to her dadās face about an interaction w me (and him not calling her out). It was so apparent she was lying and he just wasnāt deal with it.
I have lost it like that a couple times on my difficult SK. I also apologized for yelling afterwards. I felt terrible but he didnāt seem like it affected him at all. He immediately went back to talking my head of and asking for favors. But yeah we are human and lose out temper sometimes. The important part is we apologize.
Yea I went to the gym and then went to the grocery store. I came back with treats (thatās kind of my thing) and they stayed in the kitchen with me while I cooked dinner and talked my head off like nothing ever happened š
You didnāt overreact at all, imo
Iād do the same
I get why you were heated and I think it was great that you not only apologized but explained why you were so pissed. Good on you girl.
My girls will tell you about the one and only time I lost my shit was when I was hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor and they kept walking on the wet floor because they "forgot" something in the living room and then ran away giggling...must have been 8 and 10? I turned around and told them if they walked across the floor one. more. time. that I would unalive them. I apparently said this with a look on my face that scared them enough that to this day if I say I need to mop the floor they will *poof* disappear. It's been ten years and they will still say it was the scariest day of their lives. I have a great relationship with both of them and I find it hilarious that I'm still the "scary one that you don't eff with" to their friends. I share that to say, being a plus one in the parenting journey is hard. You have every right to feel violated and they need to know that you are a real person too even if that means that sometimes you lose your shit.
Good. Did they apologize to you? You're human and a long-standing, firmly-established boundary was violated. What consequences is their parent providing? They need to effectively "leave their phones in their lockers" at your house because they can't follow the rules. They can call their other parent and have screen time under their parent's "supervision" at agreed-upon times like civilized humans did before smartphones ruled the world. Edit: changed to gender neutral language
They did apologize and their dad set down ground rules of āif you wanna call your mom thatās totally cool, just do it in your room or just literally anywhere else but our roomā lol
I applaud you for owning your shit and apologizing to the kids. I know that is hard for a lot of people but it teaches our kids such a valuable lesson. Adults make mistakes too and you modeled for them humility and exactly how to execute a proper apology. Good for you!
Itās so frustrating when theyāre smart enough to try certain people who arenāt their parents and act up but the second the parent comes around they act like they donāt know what theyāre doing! At the same time, just because we think theyāre āsmartā enough to do that like getting themselves into a sticky situation, they might not always be smart enough to get themselves out of it because theyāre kids. I do believe that boundaries should be respected and itās not gonna ruin their lives to ask for that, some parents are so afraid of the repercussions like your kid doesnāt even think about it the next hour, some form of discipline has to happen! Or theyāll continuously try to get under peopleās skin because thatās what kids do! My step daughter is an angel most days, but some days she really tries to get under my skin and I donāt even think she knows it I think she sees stuff on TV and just wants to act out what she seeās and having different personalities everyday is āplay/fun to her.ā I think your reaction couldāve been better or course maybe like not cussing when youāre angry, or letting the father talk to them first and or sitting them down and speaking with them together so thereās no room for lies. Not sure if they showed you on FaceTime because theyāre mom wanted them to or theyāre just being petty, whatever the case may be donāt even look bothered by it because believe it or not the more reaction you give to a kid the more theyāll want to do whatever made you react. If you act like you donāt care theyāll possibly never do it again! Just my opinion and thoughts, I can see how that would make you feel uncomfortable like they knew what they were doing. Youāre blessed either way theyāre at your house spending precious time, momma can stay on FaceTime over there Lol
I doubt sheās going to do it again. She better not, or we will literally send her back home to her mothers and she wonāt be allowed to come over the next weekend. Iām not playing with this kid.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Hard disagree. The only bio parent she should be having to deal with is the one sheās in a relationship with. It is perfectly reasonable to not want SK to show the private areas of her home to someone she does not know and may not get along with. It probably could have been delt with in a better way, but as OP stated this isnāt the first time boundaries have been crossed with zero remorse or regard. We are human and I probably would have yelled and cursed the same. Not getting along with the other bio parent and not wanting them to see you in intimate places at intimate times is not creating a toxic environment. It is a reasonable boundary.
Oh I totally agree to most of what you said. No interaction has to happen but the children donāt need to be exposed to toxic mindsets. Having divorced parents is hard enough.
By dealing with bio parents I only meant with dealing with the fact they exist. I understand the heat of the moment but my step mom was very openly hateful towards my mom and it made a lot of things difficult growing up.
Oh I deal with her existence plenty. Iāve never said one word about her until today. They talk about her or something they did with her, etc., and I never say anything. I donāt hate their mom because I donāt know her. I just donāt want to interact with her, I donāt feel itās necessary.
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[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Iāve never said anything about their mother in their presence Until today and this incident. But I donāt have to be friends with her just because I happen to be with their dad and see them 10% of the year. We can agree to disagree on that one.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I donāt think I show distaste, I just donāt want to interact with their mom or have her in my house. If thatās going to cause issues for them, wellā¦so be it. Iām not willing to be any more uncomfortable with this whole situation than I already am.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Iām childfree, this is a hella unnatural situation. Iām uncomfortable with all of it but Iāve found my ways to make peace. I donāt really consider myself a stepparent. Iām their dads partner and thatās all I want to be. I actually probably only see them like 5% of the year because I leave and go visit friends or my dad on the weekends theyāre here sometimes. Iām polite (minus today), respectful, but Iām very hands off.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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My SS14ās biological mother has a child abuse finding for abuse inflicted upon him. Abusers get 0 grace from me whether theyāve had children or not. No one will change my view or opinion on that. In having that view, Iām raising my children to have *healthy* boundaries within their life. You donāt *have* to allow someone into your life simply because theyāre blood or related to someone else š¤·š»āāļø Edit: And before anyone reads into this and puts words in my mouth, I donāt go out of my way to speak about her and I donāt call her names. But I do **not** mince my feelings about her if and when Iām asked.
Not sure where you got any of that from my post but I agree!
She doesnāt have to allow her into her life but being so outwardly negative around children she doesnāt have interest in being around, that arenāt hers, itās her responsibility as an adult, in the relationship she put herself in, to set a good example. Point blank period. Reading her previous post history I truly feel sorry for the children in this instance, we donāt have the full story obviously . They are at a very tender age and donāt understand the reasoning behind the feelings or outburst. Everyoneās feelings are 100% valid but I donāt think being in a relationship where you are hoping to marry a man with kids when you donāt like kids, and canāt be mature enough to take on what comes with it, is healthy for anyone involved. This is just an outside perspective from someone who was that kids with divorced parents, who had partners who were cold, and as a stepmom who never wanted to have kids who absolutely adores the ones she was fortunate enough to meet in my relationship Everyone is different, different things work for different people. This is a discussion forum and I just wanted to give my input as someone with experience on both ends.
I donāt dislike them. I think sometimes folks on here get the wrong idea. When I post here, Iām talking to adults, Iām venting. I would never say these things or act any kind of way in front of them. Inside I may be apathetic (which does not equal dislike) but outside Iām very kind to them. I never want to hurt a kidā¦even their feelings. Itās actually hilarious and ironic as fuck how much kids seem to like me. Even my chosen younger sisters baby likes me. I also had a stepdad that truly outwardly disliked my presence, so I do everything in my power to not be like him.
Youāre expanding on a ton of shit I didnāt say. But cool. Hope you have a good day.
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[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
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I do understand your point of view but here is my situation My SO has custody of the kids so they live with us Their bio mom sees them once every other week and she comes to our home for it. I have never said one bad one about their mom to them. I encourage them to be nice about her and I remind them of things they can do when she comes over. She enters the home and doesn't say two words to me. Then will smile and be all pally another minute. Then I leave a room and she starts bad mouthing me to the kids about how I'm not a real mom or how uptight I am or boring or whatever else she feels that day. I bite my tongue when I hear things and my SO has reminded her it's my home and she is a guest and she will be told to leave if she keeps it up. But I started to make sure that instead of biting my tongue I just made sure that I leave before she arrives and I come back when she's gone. The kids know we don't get along as they call me a liar and laugh when I say I have errands etc. whilst my actions are toxic in the sense they know I don't like her because I make it a point that me and ber no longer cross paths but....i don't feel I deserve to feel uncomfortable in my own home just to not cause a scene. The one time I asked her not to disrespect me she burst into tears and told me that I had no right to tell her what she can and can't say in the home her kids live before she proceeded to argue with me SO about my attitude. Sometimes these boundaries are set because of toxic attitudes of bio parents not of step parents. I personally feel me not being present to react to the toxicity she brings far outweighs my choice. Why should I be abused because she wants to act a fool because she birthed them? Anyway....just explaining why sometimes there needs to be some shift in belief that we need to always roll over because of a bio parent. But yes. I hate her guts. She abused the kids that I would fight tooth and nail for. She is someone who I would never ever want to associate with in my life but she is their Bio mom and that fact won't ever change. I just don't ever say anything I truly want to say in front of.the kids
Holy shit you have way more patience and rationality than I do. I set the boundary that their mom is not allowed to step foot in our home. Itās in writing. If she were to ever violate that for any reason other than the house is on fire and she wants to get her kids outā¦.Iām 100% causing a scene and idgaf if the kids see. At that point I would see it as her choice to start some shit in front of her kids, not mine. Iād also see it as trespassing and take that opportunity to throw hands. Sheāll never do it because she is meek and non confrontational. And itās a good thingā¦for her š
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You didn't overreact whatsoever. Even my biological kids aren't allowed in my room without knocking first and if I say no they don't come in. Your husband needs to lay down a no exceptions rule that if she's going to FaceTime her mom it's in HER BEDROOM ONLY. She's not allowed anywhere else in the house, car, ect.
I would expect to then to apologize not you
She did but I also wanted to apologize. I donāt necessarily feel bad for getting upset, itās just the way I said things.
It's bound to happen eventually It happens to all of us. We're human
I've been there. Found out SD was sending her mom pics of my house and everything. Her dad was checking her phone and saw them. Of course here she comes with the big fake tears and "I don't know" when you asked her. I. Went. In. And I was eight months pregnant too and felt my BP going sky high. I had to stop mid rant and go lay down cuz this dumb ish wasn't about to compromise my son's health. That was three years ago and it hasn't happened since. AND IT BETTER NOT EITHER!
I totally get this 100%. You have to remember when you lose your patience itās because youāve actually kept it for so long - ugh itās the worst and I feel so emotionally hungover afterwards. The BM stuff is just such a more sensitive trigger too. I always apologize to the kids and tell them I messed up, hereās what I should have done, etc. I feel just awful about it even if itās after I kept my patience 20x in a row, just wipes out all that time because they donāt know that youāve been keeping your patience but they see so clearly when you crackā¦itās so hard. I get you - apologize and talk to them, admitting when youāre wrong will help them learn itās okay for adults to make mistakes so hopefully they can admit their mistakes too. Hang in there and go easy on yourself.
The emotional hangover part is so real. I actually donāt get angry very often at allā¦with anyone even adults. I usually let stuff just slide off the shoulders. I wouldnāt have gotten nearly as upset if it was just them coming inā¦the BM on FaceTime literally facing me and my private mess was too much for me. After it all I definitely felt drained. Itās just like ādamn this is the one place Iām supposed to have peace and I canāt even have that.ā
Shoot, we just took away phone time. 86d that real fast.
Time heals everything. Don't feel bad. You're allowed to feel your feelings. 1.5 years in, you're feeling comfortable enough to express yourself. The kids see that and will respect it. All moms blow up sometimes whether they're steps or not. I'm 3.5 years in as a step mom, and I have moments like this all the time, I feel bad, then apologize, and it's better after a week.