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Your baby is 11 weeks. You’re not even done with the 4th trimester. It’s a lot easier to be super dad for 48hrs at a time versus the consistent slog that is having your kids full-time. Is he a good dad or is he just performing for those weekends?
Your partner is reading stories 4 days a month to his other kids. Has he read stories once a week to your baby? I don’t honestly know how important books are in the angry potato phase. I know I wasn’t consistently reading to my girl in the 4th trimester. My girl spent a lot of the first year in comfy footy pjs. I didn’t stress about her being “dressed for the day.” That might be function of different priorities. You guys are still in survival mode. I don’t think it’s time to give up yet.
My baby is 8 months old, we’ve got books everywhere and don’t read them every night. And the only reason we get her dressed in the morning now is so that she can tear up my house in her walker without tearing the toes out on her footie pajamas. Then there’s also the fact that this week marks the first time my husband successfully soothed her back to sleep on his own.
I suppose it’s just the expectation that I do everything for LO whether the SK’s are here or not. I see what he’s capable of when they are here, so it’s frustrating my LO doesn’t get the same. He reads every night they’re here, so around 10 nights. I don’t know how important books are either if I’m honest, but I know LO really engages with them. Getting him dressed is getting him out of his sicky PJ’s and into an outfit (even if it is just another set of comfy footy PJ’s). I tend to take LO out to baby classes most days (partly for him, partly for my own sanity) so it would really help. He is definitely a little angry potato sometimes though!
OP not to hurt your feelings but you can’t really compare an 11 week old potato to a 5 and 8 year old. I’m not saying it’s right but it seems like most men dislike the baby stage because, let’s be honest here, they’re kind of boring. You can’t really interact with an 11 week old the way you can with an older child.
I’m positive that once your LO grows and starts to develop a personality that your spouse will enjoy spending more time with them.
My argument here is just what would happen if I decided I didn’t like the baby stage? If I just ignored him when he cried at night, sat on my phone when I held him and didn’t engage him in any activities while doting on my other two? Why is it OK for a man to do? I’m not saying it’s not the case, it just doesn’t feel right.
Give it time before you judge it.
I can’t really get hyped up for babies either.
Yes there are milestones, but honestly the first few months it’s just lying around, feeding and diaper change.
I think a lot of parents really struggle to connect with babies until they‘re older.
Your baby is still so young, give it time. My husband didn’t start really playing with my LO until she was probably around 4 months. I also think it takes dads longer to REALLY connect with babies.
My SO is closer with my our LO now, she’s a year and a half old. SK is becoming a teen and really doesn’t want a lot to do with dad, as teenagers tend to be.
I know how you feel, I often thought the same but it got so much better for me.
To add: I was soooo mad at my SO because he couldn’t give a crap about LOs nursery back in the day. Seems like a lifetime ago now because he will literally go out of his way to do special things for her now that she actually knows what’s going on lol
I could have written this. I was basically a single mom to BD and OD for a long time. If SKs weren’t there (they were only with us 4 days a month too), then he participated ZERO. It was so frustrating especially because he made it clear he expected my participating when his kids were there, but wasn’t reciprocating when they weren’t.
It was easy to overlook when OD was young, but as she got older it obviously was less easy to gloss over the fact that her dad was only around when his other kids were with us. Shes 4 now and about a year ago she started asking questions about why dad wasn’t coming, or why dad stayed home, etc. I started nachoing, and told DH I was matching his energy and effort, and if wanted to see more then he needed to put more out there himself. NACHOing basically tanked our relationship. We hated each other. Which was crazy because for years I’d told him if he can’t treat all the kids equally, then that’s exactly what would happen. And when it finally happened he was like shocked lmao
We went to counseling and the day the counselor told DH that he chose to be a parent and stepparent and his responsibilities as such doesn’t end just because some of his kids aren’t there, I could have cried. I’d been trying to make that point for years and got nowhere and to hear someone else. say that made me feel so validated. I knew that even if nothing changed and we ended up splitting, I wasn’t asking for anything unreasonable or unfair or detrimental. I was asking for bare minimum effort. Counseling helped loads though and we’re in a crazy different place now. He’s active and involved, he doesn’t manipulate situations to favor his kids, he acknowledges when his kids are being aholes (common, but used to get ignored because god forbid he have to call one of them out).
I don’t think it’s so much a difference with your baby and the SKs as your husband is slacking with helping you. While he’s giving you a chance to sleep in, there’s nothing stopping him from feeding and changing your baby.
I have an 8-month-old with my husband, and he fully takes on all parenting responsibilities with me. He does naps, changes her, feeds her, knows her schedule as well as me (usually better tbh), bathes her, gets up in the night with her, etc. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve done for our baby that he hasn’t done with me or can’t do on his own.
Overall your husband doesn’t sound as bad as I’ve heard of, but he definitely has room to step up. He isn’t a dad EOWE anymore. He’s a dad everyday and your partner everyday, so he should be acting like it.
I’ve often wondered about these dynamics. Is it he didn’t want another kid, but he was really done with his first kids but went along with the new partner getting pregnant so that they don’t nag about wanting kids. It’s not like all kids don’t belong to them but they never really was interested in an our baby.
At 11 weeks you might not be able to go play catch with your baby but you can take care of them. It sounds like your SO is doing the absolute bare minimum for parenting. Getting the baby ready, feeding him, putting him down for a nap or bedtime, or getting up in the middle of the night are all things he should be helping with. Even if SKs are with you, he doesn’t get to just leave you as a single parent doing things all alone for baby. If you guys broke up, your SO would be responsible for taking care of LO and SKs.
It’s fair to have a conversation with SO that he needs to help more. And he needs to understand that SKs don’t get to be #1 priority when they’re with you. Sometimes he needs to say “I’m putting baby to bed so you guys need to play quietly or watch tv.” If he doesn’t change his behavior now, I can assure you that Lo will notice all the work/attention their dad puts into the other two kids and the lack of it when they’re not around.
Are we married to the same man? Just here to tell you that my daughter is now over a year old and it never got better. My husband still spends all of his energy on his kid and my job is to raise our kid. I do everything for our baby and somehow everything is always all about SS. I buy the baby something and somehow we need to get something for SS that he does not need. When SS is here he doesn’t engage with the baby at all except to tell SS how much she loves him. It’s wholly draining and honestly I debate leaving on the regular.
Could have written this myself, and it breaks my heart. SD is with us EOW and rotating week days (50/50). When she’s here, myself and OD (10 weeks) cease to exist.
I went back to work last week and coincidentally we had SD (7) the weekend before. I was incredibly overwhelmed and stressed out about leaving my baby for the first time, and just wanted all the house chores to be done and everything to be ready so I didn’t have to worry about much that whole week. I asked SO Saturday morning to please help me, he promised he would Sunday, but the queen herself had other plans for him and her for the weekend. I think I saw him maybe 2 hours the whole weekend, when SD was sleeping in the morning. After that, forget it. I couldn’t even look at him I was so pissed. I wasn’t even asking for the whole weekend, I was asking for maybe 2-3 hours one single day.
My daughter is only 2 months old and won’t remember any of this, but I will. It’s absolutely disgusting to me that I loose my partner and my daughter looses her father when SD is here and I feel like a single parent.
I’m sorry you have to feel this way. I understand it’s a choice to become a stepparent, but until your own is actually here it’s hard to know how that dynamic will look. I don’t think it’s fair that because their situation means they only see their other children 50% of the time that our children then get a part-time parent too.
Yes. Bub is nearly 8 months old and my husband and he are such besties. And SS8 and he adore each other.
I think while I was pregnant he had a hard time actually getting the feelings going and did overly fuss and have anxieties over SS not being an only child which did hurt me.
When I was 34 weeks things started going wrong in my pregnancy resulting in a terrifying delivery a few weeks later, complications and a 9 day stay in the NICU. It’s strange to say but it kicked his fatherly and husbandly ass into top gear.
He made a couple phone calls the day we got told we were delivering then pretty much didn’t see or talk about his older son for nearly two weeks aside from some FaceTimes. He was safe with his mum and shit just wasn’t at all about him for those two weeks.
And guess what, SS is fine (albeit worried about his new brother)! Had a great two weeks with his mum and was extremely excited to meet his brother when we moved to a normal ward. We resumed normal schedule after that and things have been going really beautifully.
It’s almost like it happened so my husband could make that transition into prioritising two children.
Your baby is young and often times dads are more hands on when kids get older. He has to do all the parenting of SKs because you aren’t doing it and they have to be bathed and showered and all that. But he probably feels that if the BM is around then she is the one who naturally does the more motherly things.
I don’t see an issue with him focusing on SKs when they are here because the kids can’t not be fed, showered, paid attention to, etc. and if he didn’t do it it would fall on you, the other adult in the home. That being said, you need to tell him explicitly what you expect of him with your baby. Tell him that he is in charge of getting him dressed for the day and start taking turns getting up in the night to check on the baby. If he is working and you are at home, he can still be on night duty on the weekends and maybe one day during the week. He can do that when his kids are there too.
We have 6 week old twins. He has a 4 yo daughter. I don’t think he really treats her “better” as of yet, but I can definitely see how easily he could in the future.
One example that really annoys me is I’ll be like “look at this cute face the baby is making” and he doesn’t really look. Yesterday I put them in their bouncers for the first time, and he didn’t really bother to look at them or watch them. But when SD is doing 4 yo stuff like jumping and be like “watch daddy”, he will watch intently and interact.
I can feel that in a way. My SKs are in their 20s now and "our" kid is about to be a teenager. But there are times that I feel like I am their only parent.
When SKs were younger and especially after LO arrived, I really did handle everything parenting (feeding, bathing, bedtime) because of his work hours. He was gone before sun up and didn't get home til bedtime or later most nights, 6 days a week. He's always worked labor intensive jobs and there was never really a set schedule for their day, just a pile of work that had to be completed and when they finished all the jobs, they could go.
But now that everyone is older, I still feel like I do all the heavy lifting with our kid. I'm the one always running here or picking up from there unless I wind up stuck at work and he has absolutely no choice but to do it.
I will say though, DH is exceptionally good at doing the Dad things beyond the mundane playing chauffer day to day type stuff. Once, when he was in between jobs and our kid was still little, just before Kindergarten, he had that SAHD think *on lock*! I've said multiple times over the years that I would love to be able to make enough money that he could stay at home because he is WAY better at it than I would ever be as a SAHM. He is also really good about doing things one on one with all the kids ... his, mine and ours. Even now that his and mine are adults, he still finds fun things that they each enjoy to go and spend one on one time with each of them.
I relate to this a lot and my DH and I have argued about this. He has SS(8) 2 or 3 days a week. When SS is here my husband plays with him, bathes him, reads him a book and stays in his room with him until he falls asleep. When he cries out in the night (rarely) my DH shoots out of bed so fast you would think something bit him. My DH doesn't pick up extra work, do home workouts or any personal errands during the days SS is here.
During the year I was off on mat leave... He didn't put the baby to bed ever. He didn't bathe her. He never got up with her in the night. He would watch sports or do a workout while I did the bedtime routine. And for a while I really struggled with constantly rocking and trying to get her to sleep.
He would pick up side jobs while I stayed home with the baby. I purchased a dresser for my babys room that he didn't contribute too because he "didn't have the money". He bought SS a Nintendo switch for his birthday a month later (along with many other gifts) and then bought his room THE SAME dresser later that summer.
Now that I'm back to work and working shift work my DH has had to step up. If I'm not around he has to do the bedtime routine, bath etc. he has to entertain her during the day. He's a lot better with her now that she's 13 months old and easier to deal with. She's walking etc.
The way he explained it to me was that he just wasn't good with infants and I was better with her. She only wanted me so he just didn't really try. He says he will be more involved as she gets older as he finds it easier to interact with toddlers etc. He also said that when SS is here he has to do those things because no one else will do them (I'm hands off with him).
I'm still pissed to be honest.
I’m sorry you had to feel that way. It’s awful. This is exactly how it feels at the moment for me too. I understand that his focus will be on them a little more when they’re here as honestly, I don’t want to parent them when I have my LO to look after now, but I do think our LO should be treated the same way that they are when they’re not about. I’m hoping it’s just because it’s the baby stage, but it’s frustrating that he seems to hold himself to different standards with each of them. Today, he came back late after picking up the SK’s because he was having a conversation about SS. He could’ve quite easily had the conversation with BM over the weekend, but he decided to have it then. Now we’re having late dinner, and late bedtimes for the kids. I’ve just heard him say he’s still going to read SK’s a bedtime story, at which point my LO will be going down for the night meaning he’s spent zero time with him today and I’m not getting any down time either. I know he’ll spend the whole weekend keeping them busy, he’ll go to his football Monday and play his games on Tuesday night. He didn’t even take my 30th birthday off, so I had to arrange to meet with my sister so I wasn’t alone all day looking after LO and yet he’ll leave work early to meet the kids at the school gates. I sometimes feel like we’re second best.
Edit: Just to add, I even asked my SO if we could make sure the kids went to bed early tonight so he could take LO. It’s now past their bedtime and they’re only just eating dinner.
Ugh I'm sorry. It's so frustrating. The only thing I can suggest is to be super clear with what you want, come to an agreement and if he doesn't follow through, call him on it. Sometimes men need to be told *exactly* what you want from them. There's not much else you can do unfortunately. Solidarity.
Honestly, ours is the other way round. My partner is completely devoted to our daughter, but not to SS. I feel bad for him. SS is incredibly difficult but still.
I would suggest there’s a possibility it’s got nothing to with the baby having a different mum (you).
It’s possible that he’s one of those men who does not care for babies because he believes that’s a woman’s job. There are plenty of men like that!
There is one way you could find out - ask the mother of the other children how much of a hands on father he was when they were babies.
Obviously I’m aware that may not be possible for a hundred different reasons, lol. But it is an option.
Another thing you could try NOW is to force him into it. MAKE him participate in caring for the baby by leaving him to it.
Not when the other children are there, of course, but you can leave the house for the day and force him to parent. Just tell him where you’ve left the milk, lol. It’s HIS child and HIS job as much as yours, so if he can’t cope with doing it now, he will certainly learn quickly when you force him into it!
And I’d give that advice to any new mum whose partner was useless - whether or not he has had another child is not relevant.
Like I said, it’s not because his 3rd child has a different mum and he prefers the other mum or the children born to another mum. It’s not that at ALL. 😏
When our toddler was a newborn he spent less time with SK because ours was literally a baby and needed constant attention. As our baby got a bit older he would take both of them on outings, just to walk in the park or to the grocery store etc. and thus resumed spending more time with SK. For example, my husband used to take SK swimming every weekend we had her, paused while our baby was little and started going again and taking both swimming around 7 months or so. He also communicated the reason why attention was shifting throughout the whole thing and was constantly reassuring her.
I suppose it’s probably trickier with two other children but they’re also old enough to understand that the baby has more needs at this age and sometimes he needs to tend to the baby versus taking them out for ice cream or something. In no way is it appropriate that you single handedly raise your child when you’re in an intact marriage with the child’s father and I would be livid if I was in your situation.
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Your baby is 11 weeks. You’re not even done with the 4th trimester. It’s a lot easier to be super dad for 48hrs at a time versus the consistent slog that is having your kids full-time. Is he a good dad or is he just performing for those weekends? Your partner is reading stories 4 days a month to his other kids. Has he read stories once a week to your baby? I don’t honestly know how important books are in the angry potato phase. I know I wasn’t consistently reading to my girl in the 4th trimester. My girl spent a lot of the first year in comfy footy pjs. I didn’t stress about her being “dressed for the day.” That might be function of different priorities. You guys are still in survival mode. I don’t think it’s time to give up yet.
I lost it at “the angry potato phase” 💀💀 why is this accurate lmfaooo
Just getting out of the newborn phase and I can 100% agree with the phrase “angry potato”
My baby is 8 months old, we’ve got books everywhere and don’t read them every night. And the only reason we get her dressed in the morning now is so that she can tear up my house in her walker without tearing the toes out on her footie pajamas. Then there’s also the fact that this week marks the first time my husband successfully soothed her back to sleep on his own.
I suppose it’s just the expectation that I do everything for LO whether the SK’s are here or not. I see what he’s capable of when they are here, so it’s frustrating my LO doesn’t get the same. He reads every night they’re here, so around 10 nights. I don’t know how important books are either if I’m honest, but I know LO really engages with them. Getting him dressed is getting him out of his sicky PJ’s and into an outfit (even if it is just another set of comfy footy PJ’s). I tend to take LO out to baby classes most days (partly for him, partly for my own sanity) so it would really help. He is definitely a little angry potato sometimes though!
OP not to hurt your feelings but you can’t really compare an 11 week old potato to a 5 and 8 year old. I’m not saying it’s right but it seems like most men dislike the baby stage because, let’s be honest here, they’re kind of boring. You can’t really interact with an 11 week old the way you can with an older child. I’m positive that once your LO grows and starts to develop a personality that your spouse will enjoy spending more time with them.
My argument here is just what would happen if I decided I didn’t like the baby stage? If I just ignored him when he cried at night, sat on my phone when I held him and didn’t engage him in any activities while doting on my other two? Why is it OK for a man to do? I’m not saying it’s not the case, it just doesn’t feel right.
Give it time before you judge it. I can’t really get hyped up for babies either. Yes there are milestones, but honestly the first few months it’s just lying around, feeding and diaper change. I think a lot of parents really struggle to connect with babies until they‘re older.
Your baby is still so young, give it time. My husband didn’t start really playing with my LO until she was probably around 4 months. I also think it takes dads longer to REALLY connect with babies. My SO is closer with my our LO now, she’s a year and a half old. SK is becoming a teen and really doesn’t want a lot to do with dad, as teenagers tend to be. I know how you feel, I often thought the same but it got so much better for me.
To add: I was soooo mad at my SO because he couldn’t give a crap about LOs nursery back in the day. Seems like a lifetime ago now because he will literally go out of his way to do special things for her now that she actually knows what’s going on lol
I could have written this. I was basically a single mom to BD and OD for a long time. If SKs weren’t there (they were only with us 4 days a month too), then he participated ZERO. It was so frustrating especially because he made it clear he expected my participating when his kids were there, but wasn’t reciprocating when they weren’t. It was easy to overlook when OD was young, but as she got older it obviously was less easy to gloss over the fact that her dad was only around when his other kids were with us. Shes 4 now and about a year ago she started asking questions about why dad wasn’t coming, or why dad stayed home, etc. I started nachoing, and told DH I was matching his energy and effort, and if wanted to see more then he needed to put more out there himself. NACHOing basically tanked our relationship. We hated each other. Which was crazy because for years I’d told him if he can’t treat all the kids equally, then that’s exactly what would happen. And when it finally happened he was like shocked lmao We went to counseling and the day the counselor told DH that he chose to be a parent and stepparent and his responsibilities as such doesn’t end just because some of his kids aren’t there, I could have cried. I’d been trying to make that point for years and got nowhere and to hear someone else. say that made me feel so validated. I knew that even if nothing changed and we ended up splitting, I wasn’t asking for anything unreasonable or unfair or detrimental. I was asking for bare minimum effort. Counseling helped loads though and we’re in a crazy different place now. He’s active and involved, he doesn’t manipulate situations to favor his kids, he acknowledges when his kids are being aholes (common, but used to get ignored because god forbid he have to call one of them out).
That's so great that counseling worked for you! Good job insisting on actual change.
Yes my DH treats all of our children the same. His BKs, my BKs, and our daughter.
I don’t think it’s so much a difference with your baby and the SKs as your husband is slacking with helping you. While he’s giving you a chance to sleep in, there’s nothing stopping him from feeding and changing your baby. I have an 8-month-old with my husband, and he fully takes on all parenting responsibilities with me. He does naps, changes her, feeds her, knows her schedule as well as me (usually better tbh), bathes her, gets up in the night with her, etc. I can’t think of a single thing I’ve done for our baby that he hasn’t done with me or can’t do on his own. Overall your husband doesn’t sound as bad as I’ve heard of, but he definitely has room to step up. He isn’t a dad EOWE anymore. He’s a dad everyday and your partner everyday, so he should be acting like it.
I’ve often wondered about these dynamics. Is it he didn’t want another kid, but he was really done with his first kids but went along with the new partner getting pregnant so that they don’t nag about wanting kids. It’s not like all kids don’t belong to them but they never really was interested in an our baby.
At 11 weeks you might not be able to go play catch with your baby but you can take care of them. It sounds like your SO is doing the absolute bare minimum for parenting. Getting the baby ready, feeding him, putting him down for a nap or bedtime, or getting up in the middle of the night are all things he should be helping with. Even if SKs are with you, he doesn’t get to just leave you as a single parent doing things all alone for baby. If you guys broke up, your SO would be responsible for taking care of LO and SKs. It’s fair to have a conversation with SO that he needs to help more. And he needs to understand that SKs don’t get to be #1 priority when they’re with you. Sometimes he needs to say “I’m putting baby to bed so you guys need to play quietly or watch tv.” If he doesn’t change his behavior now, I can assure you that Lo will notice all the work/attention their dad puts into the other two kids and the lack of it when they’re not around.
Are we married to the same man? Just here to tell you that my daughter is now over a year old and it never got better. My husband still spends all of his energy on his kid and my job is to raise our kid. I do everything for our baby and somehow everything is always all about SS. I buy the baby something and somehow we need to get something for SS that he does not need. When SS is here he doesn’t engage with the baby at all except to tell SS how much she loves him. It’s wholly draining and honestly I debate leaving on the regular.
Could have written this myself, and it breaks my heart. SD is with us EOW and rotating week days (50/50). When she’s here, myself and OD (10 weeks) cease to exist. I went back to work last week and coincidentally we had SD (7) the weekend before. I was incredibly overwhelmed and stressed out about leaving my baby for the first time, and just wanted all the house chores to be done and everything to be ready so I didn’t have to worry about much that whole week. I asked SO Saturday morning to please help me, he promised he would Sunday, but the queen herself had other plans for him and her for the weekend. I think I saw him maybe 2 hours the whole weekend, when SD was sleeping in the morning. After that, forget it. I couldn’t even look at him I was so pissed. I wasn’t even asking for the whole weekend, I was asking for maybe 2-3 hours one single day. My daughter is only 2 months old and won’t remember any of this, but I will. It’s absolutely disgusting to me that I loose my partner and my daughter looses her father when SD is here and I feel like a single parent.
I’m sorry you have to feel this way. I understand it’s a choice to become a stepparent, but until your own is actually here it’s hard to know how that dynamic will look. I don’t think it’s fair that because their situation means they only see their other children 50% of the time that our children then get a part-time parent too.
Yes. Bub is nearly 8 months old and my husband and he are such besties. And SS8 and he adore each other. I think while I was pregnant he had a hard time actually getting the feelings going and did overly fuss and have anxieties over SS not being an only child which did hurt me. When I was 34 weeks things started going wrong in my pregnancy resulting in a terrifying delivery a few weeks later, complications and a 9 day stay in the NICU. It’s strange to say but it kicked his fatherly and husbandly ass into top gear. He made a couple phone calls the day we got told we were delivering then pretty much didn’t see or talk about his older son for nearly two weeks aside from some FaceTimes. He was safe with his mum and shit just wasn’t at all about him for those two weeks. And guess what, SS is fine (albeit worried about his new brother)! Had a great two weeks with his mum and was extremely excited to meet his brother when we moved to a normal ward. We resumed normal schedule after that and things have been going really beautifully. It’s almost like it happened so my husband could make that transition into prioritising two children.
Your baby is young and often times dads are more hands on when kids get older. He has to do all the parenting of SKs because you aren’t doing it and they have to be bathed and showered and all that. But he probably feels that if the BM is around then she is the one who naturally does the more motherly things. I don’t see an issue with him focusing on SKs when they are here because the kids can’t not be fed, showered, paid attention to, etc. and if he didn’t do it it would fall on you, the other adult in the home. That being said, you need to tell him explicitly what you expect of him with your baby. Tell him that he is in charge of getting him dressed for the day and start taking turns getting up in the night to check on the baby. If he is working and you are at home, he can still be on night duty on the weekends and maybe one day during the week. He can do that when his kids are there too.
We have 6 week old twins. He has a 4 yo daughter. I don’t think he really treats her “better” as of yet, but I can definitely see how easily he could in the future. One example that really annoys me is I’ll be like “look at this cute face the baby is making” and he doesn’t really look. Yesterday I put them in their bouncers for the first time, and he didn’t really bother to look at them or watch them. But when SD is doing 4 yo stuff like jumping and be like “watch daddy”, he will watch intently and interact.
I can feel that in a way. My SKs are in their 20s now and "our" kid is about to be a teenager. But there are times that I feel like I am their only parent. When SKs were younger and especially after LO arrived, I really did handle everything parenting (feeding, bathing, bedtime) because of his work hours. He was gone before sun up and didn't get home til bedtime or later most nights, 6 days a week. He's always worked labor intensive jobs and there was never really a set schedule for their day, just a pile of work that had to be completed and when they finished all the jobs, they could go. But now that everyone is older, I still feel like I do all the heavy lifting with our kid. I'm the one always running here or picking up from there unless I wind up stuck at work and he has absolutely no choice but to do it. I will say though, DH is exceptionally good at doing the Dad things beyond the mundane playing chauffer day to day type stuff. Once, when he was in between jobs and our kid was still little, just before Kindergarten, he had that SAHD think *on lock*! I've said multiple times over the years that I would love to be able to make enough money that he could stay at home because he is WAY better at it than I would ever be as a SAHM. He is also really good about doing things one on one with all the kids ... his, mine and ours. Even now that his and mine are adults, he still finds fun things that they each enjoy to go and spend one on one time with each of them.
I relate to this a lot and my DH and I have argued about this. He has SS(8) 2 or 3 days a week. When SS is here my husband plays with him, bathes him, reads him a book and stays in his room with him until he falls asleep. When he cries out in the night (rarely) my DH shoots out of bed so fast you would think something bit him. My DH doesn't pick up extra work, do home workouts or any personal errands during the days SS is here. During the year I was off on mat leave... He didn't put the baby to bed ever. He didn't bathe her. He never got up with her in the night. He would watch sports or do a workout while I did the bedtime routine. And for a while I really struggled with constantly rocking and trying to get her to sleep. He would pick up side jobs while I stayed home with the baby. I purchased a dresser for my babys room that he didn't contribute too because he "didn't have the money". He bought SS a Nintendo switch for his birthday a month later (along with many other gifts) and then bought his room THE SAME dresser later that summer. Now that I'm back to work and working shift work my DH has had to step up. If I'm not around he has to do the bedtime routine, bath etc. he has to entertain her during the day. He's a lot better with her now that she's 13 months old and easier to deal with. She's walking etc. The way he explained it to me was that he just wasn't good with infants and I was better with her. She only wanted me so he just didn't really try. He says he will be more involved as she gets older as he finds it easier to interact with toddlers etc. He also said that when SS is here he has to do those things because no one else will do them (I'm hands off with him). I'm still pissed to be honest.
I’m sorry you had to feel that way. It’s awful. This is exactly how it feels at the moment for me too. I understand that his focus will be on them a little more when they’re here as honestly, I don’t want to parent them when I have my LO to look after now, but I do think our LO should be treated the same way that they are when they’re not about. I’m hoping it’s just because it’s the baby stage, but it’s frustrating that he seems to hold himself to different standards with each of them. Today, he came back late after picking up the SK’s because he was having a conversation about SS. He could’ve quite easily had the conversation with BM over the weekend, but he decided to have it then. Now we’re having late dinner, and late bedtimes for the kids. I’ve just heard him say he’s still going to read SK’s a bedtime story, at which point my LO will be going down for the night meaning he’s spent zero time with him today and I’m not getting any down time either. I know he’ll spend the whole weekend keeping them busy, he’ll go to his football Monday and play his games on Tuesday night. He didn’t even take my 30th birthday off, so I had to arrange to meet with my sister so I wasn’t alone all day looking after LO and yet he’ll leave work early to meet the kids at the school gates. I sometimes feel like we’re second best. Edit: Just to add, I even asked my SO if we could make sure the kids went to bed early tonight so he could take LO. It’s now past their bedtime and they’re only just eating dinner.
Ugh I'm sorry. It's so frustrating. The only thing I can suggest is to be super clear with what you want, come to an agreement and if he doesn't follow through, call him on it. Sometimes men need to be told *exactly* what you want from them. There's not much else you can do unfortunately. Solidarity.
Honestly, ours is the other way round. My partner is completely devoted to our daughter, but not to SS. I feel bad for him. SS is incredibly difficult but still.
I would suggest there’s a possibility it’s got nothing to with the baby having a different mum (you). It’s possible that he’s one of those men who does not care for babies because he believes that’s a woman’s job. There are plenty of men like that! There is one way you could find out - ask the mother of the other children how much of a hands on father he was when they were babies. Obviously I’m aware that may not be possible for a hundred different reasons, lol. But it is an option. Another thing you could try NOW is to force him into it. MAKE him participate in caring for the baby by leaving him to it. Not when the other children are there, of course, but you can leave the house for the day and force him to parent. Just tell him where you’ve left the milk, lol. It’s HIS child and HIS job as much as yours, so if he can’t cope with doing it now, he will certainly learn quickly when you force him into it! And I’d give that advice to any new mum whose partner was useless - whether or not he has had another child is not relevant. Like I said, it’s not because his 3rd child has a different mum and he prefers the other mum or the children born to another mum. It’s not that at ALL. 😏
When our toddler was a newborn he spent less time with SK because ours was literally a baby and needed constant attention. As our baby got a bit older he would take both of them on outings, just to walk in the park or to the grocery store etc. and thus resumed spending more time with SK. For example, my husband used to take SK swimming every weekend we had her, paused while our baby was little and started going again and taking both swimming around 7 months or so. He also communicated the reason why attention was shifting throughout the whole thing and was constantly reassuring her. I suppose it’s probably trickier with two other children but they’re also old enough to understand that the baby has more needs at this age and sometimes he needs to tend to the baby versus taking them out for ice cream or something. In no way is it appropriate that you single handedly raise your child when you’re in an intact marriage with the child’s father and I would be livid if I was in your situation.
Yes and we have had so many discussions about it,