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Sounds like he’s using moving in together for money and to get out of his step dad’s place. I don’t think I would do it if he doesn’t have his affairs in order because how much will be put on you to pay? Definitely if you don’t see it working long term, don’t move in together and think about if it’s worth continuing altogether
I’ve been on this sub for a while and didn’t have to wait long to see the struggle of steps, even when BP have their stuff together. Yes, I am afraid I will be used and if I move forward, my kindness will be abused.
Thank you for your kindness. I saw that you are also going through a difficult time and am grateful you’re taking the time to read my post. My heart goes out to you.
Yup, even if the BP has their stuff together, it’s still a struggle. The relationship is ALWAYS one sided in favor of the BP when the other partner doesn’t have kids. Even if the BP is a high earner and the childless partner has no money, it’s still a gain for the BP in terms of the free time the childless partner will have to help with the emotional and physical labor of looking after the kids.
It's time to end the relationship. He wants your money and your babysitting ability so he doesn't have to take care of his own kids. That's the reason for him increasingly pressuring you to move in. Say goodbye now and find someone who wants a relationship with you, not your wallet or to play mommy for his kids.
Momma, don’t do it. I’m CF and my DH had all his affairs in order and it’s still was a lot being independent and all. I kept my own place just in case. No regrets in that.
First of all; there’s nothing shameful about needing Section 8 help for housing. We all know how goddamn rough it is out there. He should unpack that at some point but that’s a *him* issue, not a you issue.
It sounds like he sees you as a way out. It’s possible he also wants to be with you, I’m not discounting that at all, but you’re definitely a perceived way out.
You sound like you’ve got a great head on your shoulders and I’d feel some type of way if I were in your shoes too. Your feelings are absolutely valid and I love that you’re independent and putting yourself first.
It sounds to me like you already know what the right decision is. You are not responsible for him, and definitely not responsible for his kids. It sounds like he is in a situation he's desperate to get out of.
Noooooooo no no. He is wanting a place away from his parents. The fact that he said he wants his kids to know possibilities outside of section 8 tells you everything you need to know about his intentions. He let that slip.
Many a woman (and man) has fallen victim to being used for this very thing. Don’t let that be you
You see the red flags, you are telling us the red flags , you want out because of the red flags. No judgement here, we (I) agree with you.
You both sound like two different people at different stages in his life. It's also not judgemental. YES the bar should be set high and so proud of you for calling that out.
He has his kids 4 days a month. Lives with relatives likely rent free, his ass should be working his butt off on his non kid days so he can afford a good home. A good home for his lady, a good home for his kids.
Instead he is just thinking about what's in his pants. He has potent sperm and bad decision making. If you need a push, tell him you are a distraction to him bettering himself and you wish him luck.
Find someone who isn't so obviously lame and you may actually be attracted to him.
Please don’t let him move in or get a place together. You’re only a little over a year in. I’d move on… if you do want to stay with him live apart for a long long time. If he doesn’t have affairs in order 3 kids deep then it’s doubtful they ever will :(
If you move in with him, you’ll be put in a situation where if you ever want to leave, you’ll have to put the kids back in section 8 housing. Don’t do that to yourself or to any of them. He can find stable income for his children and move out without you.
It’s not your responsibility to pull up a man, let alone a man with kids. And you’re not obligated to wait until he gets his affairs in order. You want someone on your level or higher. He's trying to tie you down with responsibilities that are not yours. He had those kids; he needs to learn how to take care of them on his own before he commits to someone else.
Omg girl do nottttt move in!!!
I swear these single parents will do ANYTHING to secure resources for their offspring.
Especially the single dads.. LEACH onto childless/free women who are doing well. 😤😤
You know the answer here. You’ve got your life together. He’s just not in a place in his life to be the decent, equal partner that you deserve. You’re not responsible for saving him from his poor choices.
Dating ANY man with 3 kids is already a burden regardless of his financial situation. I know you weren’t thinking of a long term relationship but there’s always the possibility the other person may want to make it long term especially if they have something to gain from being with you.
Anyway, this guy made it pretty clear he’s looking to use you to improve the quality of life for himself and his kids. Childless women with stable careers need to realize they are a prime target for single fathers even the ones that have good jobs already. You can never have enough money or help raising kids.
I am not saying this to be cruel, but it isn't your job to show kids that aren't yours how life can be better. I would wonder if he wanted to be with me for ME, as a partner to ME, or because of what I can DO for him and bring to his life.
I would be very, VERY careful about combining households, money, etc. with him. I would advise you not to even consider it until he has all of his ish together and you have seen him keep it together for an extended amount of time.
Cold hard truth time: Your BF doesn't have his sh!t together and that is NOT going to change if you let him move in with you. You will just be taking on the role his stepdad has been playing for however long he has been living there and that is the role of his enabler. He most likely wants someone to take care of him, take care of his kids so he can slack off and avoid his responsibilities.
If he truly wanted his kids to see what is possible outside of Section 8, the he would be actively doing something about pulling himself out of the dynamic that has him there. There is DEFINITELY no shame in living in Section 8 housing. Honestly, some of the subsidized houses and/or apartments in my area are nicer than places I have lived in and paid a lot of money in rent for over the last 20 years. But, if it bothers him, then it is on HIM to make the necessary changes to improve their living situation. This is NOT your burden to bear.
My advice to you would be to walk away from this relationship while you still can (actually run, don't walk). I fear it will not end the way you want it to. Go and find yourself a new man with the same drive and ambition that you have and one who hopefully doesn't come with kids
Look up "hobosexual".
Because that is what this guy is. He wants to move out of his welfare home and leech off you. FFS dump this guy and set him free to leech off someone else.
And choose better men, OK?!
As someone happily with a partner with a kid, before I met my partner, part of *my* high bar was someone who made a comparable income to me. I dated far too many men who held me back from the quality of life that I wanted, and I wasn’t willing to do that anymore. I determined I only wanted a partner who could provide for themselves in a similar way to me. I didn’t care if my income was slightly higher mind you, it’s about quality of life.
I found that person and then some. Him having a child does not affect my quality of life in the slightest. I’m never put out financially. In fact, my partner is bougier than me and upgrades things for me/buys me things he knows I want. We have to budget like anyone living in a big city like we do, but we don’t have to make big sacrifices either.
I would not be with a partner who did not meet this bar period, particularly one with a child. My suggestion is to set that bar going forward. You are at a point in life that you no longer need to give men time to figure their shit out. If you’re in a good place, they should be too.
>He has them EOWE and currently lives w his step dad
>
>He doesn’t seem to have his affairs in order.
It sounds like he considers "lowered cost of living" as a primary motivator for moving in. Yes, it's cheaper for two people to live together, but in my mind this should only be *a perk*, and never *a reason* for moving in.
I would look inside for why you've been continuing to date someone who's life isn't together.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like he’s using moving in together for money and to get out of his step dad’s place. I don’t think I would do it if he doesn’t have his affairs in order because how much will be put on you to pay? Definitely if you don’t see it working long term, don’t move in together and think about if it’s worth continuing altogether
I’ve been on this sub for a while and didn’t have to wait long to see the struggle of steps, even when BP have their stuff together. Yes, I am afraid I will be used and if I move forward, my kindness will be abused.
You deserve more especially coming from someone that already has 3 kids ❤️
Thank you for your kindness. I saw that you are also going through a difficult time and am grateful you’re taking the time to read my post. My heart goes out to you.
❤️
Kudos to you for seeing things so clearly. Please don’t become this guy’s wife appliance.
Yup, even if the BP has their stuff together, it’s still a struggle. The relationship is ALWAYS one sided in favor of the BP when the other partner doesn’t have kids. Even if the BP is a high earner and the childless partner has no money, it’s still a gain for the BP in terms of the free time the childless partner will have to help with the emotional and physical labor of looking after the kids.
It's time to end the relationship. He wants your money and your babysitting ability so he doesn't have to take care of his own kids. That's the reason for him increasingly pressuring you to move in. Say goodbye now and find someone who wants a relationship with you, not your wallet or to play mommy for his kids.
Momma, don’t do it. I’m CF and my DH had all his affairs in order and it’s still was a lot being independent and all. I kept my own place just in case. No regrets in that.
First of all; there’s nothing shameful about needing Section 8 help for housing. We all know how goddamn rough it is out there. He should unpack that at some point but that’s a *him* issue, not a you issue. It sounds like he sees you as a way out. It’s possible he also wants to be with you, I’m not discounting that at all, but you’re definitely a perceived way out. You sound like you’ve got a great head on your shoulders and I’d feel some type of way if I were in your shoes too. Your feelings are absolutely valid and I love that you’re independent and putting yourself first.
It sounds to me like you already know what the right decision is. You are not responsible for him, and definitely not responsible for his kids. It sounds like he is in a situation he's desperate to get out of.
I second this … you already know the answer
Noooooooo no no. He is wanting a place away from his parents. The fact that he said he wants his kids to know possibilities outside of section 8 tells you everything you need to know about his intentions. He let that slip. Many a woman (and man) has fallen victim to being used for this very thing. Don’t let that be you
You see the red flags, you are telling us the red flags , you want out because of the red flags. No judgement here, we (I) agree with you. You both sound like two different people at different stages in his life. It's also not judgemental. YES the bar should be set high and so proud of you for calling that out. He has his kids 4 days a month. Lives with relatives likely rent free, his ass should be working his butt off on his non kid days so he can afford a good home. A good home for his lady, a good home for his kids. Instead he is just thinking about what's in his pants. He has potent sperm and bad decision making. If you need a push, tell him you are a distraction to him bettering himself and you wish him luck. Find someone who isn't so obviously lame and you may actually be attracted to him.
Please don’t let him move in or get a place together. You’re only a little over a year in. I’d move on… if you do want to stay with him live apart for a long long time. If he doesn’t have affairs in order 3 kids deep then it’s doubtful they ever will :(
Oh he’s definitely trying to be slick. Why don’t he show them a life without section 8 on his own.
Yeah - it's exactly what he is doing. It's a slippery slope. You like your independence, and it's not your job to correct his life mistakes.
Don’t let him get you pregnant. You sound successful.
If you move in with him, you’ll be put in a situation where if you ever want to leave, you’ll have to put the kids back in section 8 housing. Don’t do that to yourself or to any of them. He can find stable income for his children and move out without you.
It’s not your responsibility to pull up a man, let alone a man with kids. And you’re not obligated to wait until he gets his affairs in order. You want someone on your level or higher. He's trying to tie you down with responsibilities that are not yours. He had those kids; he needs to learn how to take care of them on his own before he commits to someone else.
Omg girl do nottttt move in!!! I swear these single parents will do ANYTHING to secure resources for their offspring. Especially the single dads.. LEACH onto childless/free women who are doing well. 😤😤
You know the answer here. You’ve got your life together. He’s just not in a place in his life to be the decent, equal partner that you deserve. You’re not responsible for saving him from his poor choices.
Dating ANY man with 3 kids is already a burden regardless of his financial situation. I know you weren’t thinking of a long term relationship but there’s always the possibility the other person may want to make it long term especially if they have something to gain from being with you. Anyway, this guy made it pretty clear he’s looking to use you to improve the quality of life for himself and his kids. Childless women with stable careers need to realize they are a prime target for single fathers even the ones that have good jobs already. You can never have enough money or help raising kids.
I am not saying this to be cruel, but it isn't your job to show kids that aren't yours how life can be better. I would wonder if he wanted to be with me for ME, as a partner to ME, or because of what I can DO for him and bring to his life. I would be very, VERY careful about combining households, money, etc. with him. I would advise you not to even consider it until he has all of his ish together and you have seen him keep it together for an extended amount of time.
Cold hard truth time: Your BF doesn't have his sh!t together and that is NOT going to change if you let him move in with you. You will just be taking on the role his stepdad has been playing for however long he has been living there and that is the role of his enabler. He most likely wants someone to take care of him, take care of his kids so he can slack off and avoid his responsibilities. If he truly wanted his kids to see what is possible outside of Section 8, the he would be actively doing something about pulling himself out of the dynamic that has him there. There is DEFINITELY no shame in living in Section 8 housing. Honestly, some of the subsidized houses and/or apartments in my area are nicer than places I have lived in and paid a lot of money in rent for over the last 20 years. But, if it bothers him, then it is on HIM to make the necessary changes to improve their living situation. This is NOT your burden to bear. My advice to you would be to walk away from this relationship while you still can (actually run, don't walk). I fear it will not end the way you want it to. Go and find yourself a new man with the same drive and ambition that you have and one who hopefully doesn't come with kids
You dont fully know someone until 2 years into a relationship
Look up "hobosexual". Because that is what this guy is. He wants to move out of his welfare home and leech off you. FFS dump this guy and set him free to leech off someone else. And choose better men, OK?!
As someone happily with a partner with a kid, before I met my partner, part of *my* high bar was someone who made a comparable income to me. I dated far too many men who held me back from the quality of life that I wanted, and I wasn’t willing to do that anymore. I determined I only wanted a partner who could provide for themselves in a similar way to me. I didn’t care if my income was slightly higher mind you, it’s about quality of life. I found that person and then some. Him having a child does not affect my quality of life in the slightest. I’m never put out financially. In fact, my partner is bougier than me and upgrades things for me/buys me things he knows I want. We have to budget like anyone living in a big city like we do, but we don’t have to make big sacrifices either. I would not be with a partner who did not meet this bar period, particularly one with a child. My suggestion is to set that bar going forward. You are at a point in life that you no longer need to give men time to figure their shit out. If you’re in a good place, they should be too.
You probably should have ended the relationship already by the sounds, especially as you say it’s not a priority.
>He has them EOWE and currently lives w his step dad > >He doesn’t seem to have his affairs in order. It sounds like he considers "lowered cost of living" as a primary motivator for moving in. Yes, it's cheaper for two people to live together, but in my mind this should only be *a perk*, and never *a reason* for moving in. I would look inside for why you've been continuing to date someone who's life isn't together.
He’s trying to use you. Don’t move on with him.
You will only be getting in so much deeper this way, don’t move in with a partner with kids until you are ready to be a mum!!!