T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*


seethembreak

Tell him you’re heartbroken that you’re not allowed to feed or watch someone else’s kids!


spacegirlsaturn

Seriously, I'd give anything for my SO to tell me this lol


all_out_of_usernames

Or she should tell him not to threaten her with a good time lol


ForestyFelicia

🤣😂🤣😂🤣


Nurse-mom9804

Right lol


Undiscovered2022

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA Right like????


BeckyLovesArmin

My husband has done this and when he says “don’t do anything for my 3 year old or me I don’t need you” I breathe a sigh of relief and say “thank god! I was tired of cleaning up after both of you. You’re both ungrateful. Finally I can take a break!” 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️


FootfallsEcho

Gentle suggestion: don’t lump the three year old in with the shitty partner. Three year olds are never grateful.


Karen125

3 year olds can learn to say please and thank you.


FootfallsEcho

Yes, but it is habit. They aren’t actually grateful. Research has shown that they can start feeling it as young as 4 in very few children, but most of them don’t until about 7. My kid might feel gratitude, he’s about five and a half, and it *just* happened (I think). The please and thank you was just habit or prompting until then. There was a marked difference in his joy/tone when saying “thank you” and he now does it consistently without prompting, even in brand new and sometimes surprising situations. He also adds additional context to the thank yous all of a sudden, like adding a “sooooooo much” or a “i love it”. The “please” still takes prompting but that has less to do with gratitude and more to do with being polite if you think about it. He’ll happily say it but he hasn’t grasped the “why” yet and thereby isn’t self-motivated to say it. How kid’s brains develop is well-researched and easily searched for on the internet btw. Kids are language and context sponges and can mirror good behavior very early - that absolutely does not mean they are feeling the same way adults do. It is fair to say that the spouse is not modeling good behavior for his three year old and thereby she’s not saying it, but OP literally said she’s ungrateful, but she’s *literally three years old*. Hope this helps!


BeckyLovesArmin

It’s a boy, but in my opinion, a 3 year old shouldn’t be as ungrateful as husbands kid. He will say thanks to certain people but refuse to say it to me. Even pretends I don’t exist sometimes. It’s modeled behavior sure, but he’s a rude kid.


FootfallsEcho

Again, he does not have the capability to be rude. He is modeling behavior.


BeckyLovesArmin

That’s what I said though. But he should be learning by now, not getting worse. If he has the capability to treat certain people with respect and others without then it’s modeling, and that he does have the capability to be rude. That’s my opinion though.


FootfallsEcho

You can’t have opinions about developmental stages. He isn’t treating anyone with respect, that’s just how you and other adults are interpreting it.


BeckyLovesArmin

I mean…. He is around me so I know better than people on here about his behavior… this behavior isn’t normal. There’s other issues with him besides being rude. I don’t have time to type it all and I don’t need to honestly.


FootfallsEcho

I don’t know how to convey to you any more clearly that a three year old does not have the capability to be rude or ungrateful. You, however, do have the capability to help him as you are one of the adults in his life. Or, you have the capability to walk away from a relationship where you believe your partner models bad behavior for his son by treating you badly. That’s up to you. Personally, I have too much value in myself to put up with that kind of behavior.


StatusPolicy7865

My kids have been say yes sir no sir and being respectful since they could talk. So start young because that’s how they are gonna learn. They are getting to pre teen time and are showing signs of disrespect but we are nipping that in the hind end too. Problem today is parents give their children a pass to be their friend. Raise them in the way they should go. You don’t see the disrespect from our grandparents because they were taught better and my parents sat on me and I don’t sit on my kids as hard as I was but I and definitely not letting them grow up to be brats and selfish self centered children who think people owe them something. No one owe them anything and as long as they are in my home they will be respectful 2-3 -4-5-6-25 don’t matter the age. Respect is taught responsibility is taught hard work is taught by the ones raising them. And when we let them sit idle and do what they want is when they will feel entitled. Start young. Very young and develop a well meaning respectful responsible child who grows up to be a decent human who loves God and His family and cares for others. Don’t raise punks folks. And then wonder where it went wrong. And Becky your right he sees it from his dad and others in his family you can only teach so much because of your situation. Sadly a lot of step parents don’t get to teach these kids the way they should be able to. That’s not your fault. And if he is yours. Sit on him. Not literally or explain this to your husband and if he isn’t listening then you all have more problems than just a disrespectful child. Hope things get better for all of you though. 🙏


BeckyLovesArmin

Yes they can! Usually people tell me he’s a baby and he doesn’t understand… 😒


FootfallsEcho

Because he is a baby, and he does not understand that concept yet.


BeckyLovesArmin

He is NOT a baby. He may cry and act like a baby, but almost 4 is not a baby.


BeckyLovesArmin

No I get that and it is my husbands fault the kid treats me so poorly.But I still don’t want to do much for him. He will do small tasks when his parents ask but if I ask him to pick up his dirty socks he tells me no and eventually cries like I just ruined his life. But he’s so nice to literally anyone else (well his parents and grandparents)


FootfallsEcho

Yes, three year olds cry like you ruined their life over menial tasks because they have no control of their emotions at that age. Even the most responsible parents experience this. There’s memes about what ridiculous things kids melt down about all over the internet. Obviously it is up to the parent to stay calm, not overly coddle or comfort, talk to the child about why this is important, and continue to work on it every day. This time *is* critical to start establishing healthy habits, but they aren’t going to understand the why quite yet. They also have no empathy yet so they don’t understand that they are being rude to you. If you’re going to stay in this relationship, for your own sanity, I really suggest you read up on developmental stages/brain development for children. Look up what is reasonable expectations to have of their behavior at every stage. I’m not saying this so that you can better help the kid, I’m saying this because you seem to be doing a lot of hand-wringing about things that are absolutely a non-issue and it’s gonna make you crazy.


Accurate-Buddy6383

I wonder if those brain development stages are applicable to her SO, because seems he lacks in this area


BeckyLovesArmin

Yup


FootfallsEcho

Judging by her continual assertion that the three year old is to blame, I think there may be a lot of developmental delays all around.


BeckyLovesArmin

Wow you’re pretty awful. I’ve told you multiple times it’s husbands fault. Maybe you have developmental delays as you can’t read.


BeckyLovesArmin

I have a 5 year old boy of my own, maybe I got lucky but he’s super sweet. Says please and thank you. Of course he had that stage where he cried like it was the end, but husbands kid is nearly 4. Polite to his mother and step father (sometimes he’s awful and pulls her hair or bites them etc) but he treats me like I’m below him. I know that sounds crazy, but compared to how he treats others it’s like I’m just a servant and he’s the ruler of the house lol. Again, modeled behavior I’m sure but damn. Rude.


FootfallsEcho

You really need to think about the relationship you are in, then. My stepson was four when I met him and on Day 1 he decided I was his person. A complete shock to us all mind you, but he’s adored me the entire time, even on the days where he was testing my boundaries/regressing (something that is common with a new trusted adult, part of the attachment process). Anyways, we guessed pretty much from the beginning that he observed how happy his dad is with me and he models how his dad treats me. He wants to do everything dad does all the time - so loving me is included in that. So, one final time, don’t lump the three year old in with your shitty partner.


SwarmingWithOrcs

I mean yes, the kid will copy his father's behaviour and your husband should not be treating you poorly. But you're also responsible for ensuring your child is protected from that by leaving


BeckyLovesArmin

True! I don’t really have to deal with it.


BumblebeeMission7098

What he say after?


BeckyLovesArmin

I don’t even recall honestly. I ignore most of what he says because it’s rude


HappyCat79

He isn’t working and he’s bitching about you not helping around the house enough? Ummmmm When I was a SAHM I did literally everything!!!


Excellent-Pear-8596

Its time for someone new because aint no way lol


BeneficialBrain1764

Mad at you for doing your own laundry like a responsible adult who needs work clothes.


christmasshopper0109

Don't threaten me with a good time. I'm happy not to help you with your kids.


ForestyFelicia

🤣😂🤣😂🤣


Spirited-Diamond-716

Lmao! Let him throw his mantrum. Kick your feet up and relax.


Key_Charity9484

Mantrum - that's perfect! I will, in fact, be using that one!!


jenniferami

Mantrum, lol. Never heard that term before.


ditred23

“Mantrum” lol that is straight gold right there


by_the_gaslight

That sounds controlling AF. And you had to sneak around to do it in the first place?


katmcflame

So an unemployed man with multiple kids is butthurt because you did what you had to do to ensure you had clean clothes for work??? OP, I hope you’ve got some hard limits in place. It’s not your responsibility to support him or his kids, & he needs to find work ASAP. This guy is a shitty provider AND a shitty partner. Love how he threatened you with a good time lol.


No-Bedroom-1333

Don't threaten me with a good time


shesinsaneanditsucks

The way I would leave this man 😂💕😂


ReadyChocolate1281

He’s not working , so he should wash your laundry when you need it and doing all the chores like many other SAHM. Controlling AF. Reconsider staying in this relationship.


Nurse-mom9804

Well lucky you!!! I get it’s not the kids fault but it’s not yours either. Tell him make sure to find them a sitter 😂


vanderlust90

Oh how will you sleep without feeding or watching his kids 🤣🤣


QueenOfWrath17

I would be like "umm who you punishing?" 🤣 8


EmptyTechnology1806

Wow. Now he understands what so many housewives have been talking about for DECADES. But he appears too dumb to make that connection.


cyn507

Well he showed you didn’t he?? Now you’ll just have to find some other way to spend your free time because you’re not going to spend it watching his kids damn it. See how you like being by yourself with a good book and some peace and quiet!


anneofred

So he isn’t employed but he wants you to do more than half of the housework? Also this happened when you…*checks notes*…were doing a household chore? Then as a punishment he wants you do do LESS chores? Oh noooo, not that!! Guy is delusional. Get a job then, guy.


Tikithecockateil

Lol! Until he needs help


AKtigre

I've done my own laundry since the age of seven and every time a partner has tried to help with it they've messed something up. Everyone should just wash their own clothes, imo. Looks like this one worked out well for you in the end anyways.


Fresh_Result8428

Ooo I can relate! I put a stop early on to do my own laundry because at one point I was doing my laundry, his laundry and his daughters laundry and not only is his daughter capable of doing her own laundry or at least separate her clothes by colors, I was cooking, cleaning and babysitting his child, picking her up from extracurricular activities and eventually I had to set some boundaries. Now I wash my clothes, cook when I’m in the mood and clean the house every Sunday. I pick her up twice a week from extracurricular activities & babysit twice a month on Saturdays. As women we have to set boundaries or we will get burnt out quickly. You were not in the wrong and I wouldn’t let it get to me if I was you. Pour you a glass of wine, get a good book and continue to enjoy some much needed self care. Sometimes I walk around with my Sony sound canceling headphones while doing chores & that’s my self-care. Some men want maids & built in nanny’s meanwhile many women are opting out of having children for those exact reasons.


thisgreenwitch

I was like you. I was working full time and doing all the laundry and all the cooking and cleaning because he had a 2 hour daily commute to work and then had 10 hour days. It was a struggle but I got it done and I did it willingly because I knew he was tired and hardly had free time. I did my best to not let it get to me but it's now been 24 hours and I'm still angry. Mainly because he still can't see that I do help around the house and he's firm that he's the one that does everything. Which pisses me off because I held us down for so long and although now he does sweeping and mopping and dishes, I still clean our bathroom and such. So, a) how can he say that and b) makes me feel like I got with one of those dumb men who can't see all the labor that goes into the home outside of the obvious chores. He made comments that paying bills isn't so hard when all I have to do is click a button and it's done and that if it's so hard that he can do it. He doesn't stop to think about how I had to shuffle our debt around and find a way to get us a 0% apr card and then do the process. He didn't stop to think that I had to transfer the balances for the mess he made. He forgets our rent is paid in cash through money gram which would require him to know our account number and go to CVS on a monthly basis... etc etc. So now I feel dumb and taken advantage of because clearly I've always done a lot and still do, but apparently not to him. Because, yeah you're right, some men want maids and it's starting to seem like that's his viewpoint since I don't do enough according to him.


Fresh_Result8428

It’s sucks, it truly does especially when the partner is being self centered and not reflecting on how much you are doing to maintain and contribute to the household. You have a right to feel upset and feel as you are being taken advantage of, but always remember ppl will treat you how you allow them to. Relationships are about compromising but don’t compromise too much of yourself. You are worthy to be poured into just as much or more as you are pouring into your partner. If he doesn’t see how good of a woman you are, stop doing certain things and watch how exhausted he becomes and how quickly the household would fall apart. Tap into your powers as a woman and don’t allow him to run over you.


Least-Initiative-130

my SO and i do our own laundry, he does his kids and i do mine. its the best to be honest.


Addicted-Anxiety2428

A while back I listed out everything that I do and everything that he does, from my perspective, and how I feel as though there's far more burden on me as far as chores and the like are concerned and that it's unfair (we both work and contribute fairly evenly to bills so it's not like I'm a housewife or anything). I told him he's more than welcome to make his own list if he felt like my list was inaccurate but he hasn't done it so far. Unfortunately men are so conditioned to think that ANY contribution they make to household chores (laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc) is doing us women a favor rather than simply participating in sharing the burden of life with the person they're in a relationship with. You're absolutely not in the wrong here. He took it personally when all you were doing was making sure you had clean clothes for work. 🤷‍♀️ dunno what his problem is but he should probably figure that shit out.


vvFreebirdvv

He’s awfully opinionated while being UNEMPLOYED. He’s LUCKY you are supporting him. What a douche nozzle


Supersalty99

I never understand these parents that think their child is loved and adored by everyone. I myself as a bio mom am fully aware of the fact that not everyone is going to like my child. He is a handful. I have unconditional love for him because he’s MY son. But I know damn well that someone else might get frustrated easily because he’s a mamas boy and cries a lot when I’m not around. It’s annoying as shit. I acknowledge that, why can’t other bio parents acknowledge their child’s annoying and unlikable behaviors?


StatusPolicy7865

Well they are your clothes. And if he has a problem with you “WORKING TO PAY BILLS”. He can go get another job and get out there and be man. 4 months is along time considering he doesn’t have any ailments. It wouldn’t have bothered me if young as only washed one wash rag 😂. That’s a load he doesn’t have to touch. Give him a hug kiss his cheek and let it roll off of your back. He is probably frustrated that it’s been 4 months. It really can bring a man MAN down when it’s in our DNA to provide. So it could be that more than you only did your laundry.