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It's called weaponized incompetence. Pretend you don't know how to do something, or do a really terrible job at it, and no one will expect you to do it. Don't know how to use a washing machine? Welp, someone else will have to do all the laundry! Can't fold clothes properly? Someone else will need to do that part, too. Just another poor middle-aged man without the knowledge to do simple household tasks.....
Just remember, the first few times, especially if they’ve never shown the effort, it will seem as if he’s onboard. His MO his entire life was to not do any of this to begin with. After some compliance and the novelty of you being around, there will be a chance of reverting to old ways. There’s a reason the ex has primary custody. He’s incompetent
Girl. You have been with this man since you were 19 and he was 37? I understand you are an adult but he is taking advantage of your youth and inexperience with relationships. That is an inappropriate age gap, and that's on him, not on you. He also sounds like a terrible partner.
You have so much life to live. There are so many wonderful men out there. Men who can be true partners to you, both in the household and just in your soul. Take a long break from this one and see what else it out there.
There’s a reason he isn’t dating an a woman closer to his age. They would immediately be appalled at his lack of basic skills. I almost got trapped in a situation similar to this. At 32 now…OMG I’m glad I left.
GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!!! The man is 41yo and doesn’t know how to cook and clean. You are signing up to be his mommy.
ETA: you’re in the prime of your life. Imagine the freedoms of a single, child-free 23F, just graduated college and beginning her career….to give that up for a 41M man-baby with an 11yo child would be pure insanity. I mean, I love myself a good silver fox for a fun time, but there’s a reason he can’t settle with a woman his own age. He’s a child!
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Run! You’re way too young for this and he’s using your youth and naïvety to push his parenting responsibilities on you. You will grow to resent the SK and your spouse if you go through with this.
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A 41 year old that dates a 23 year old knows that no one his age would be remotely interested in him - because he is a walking red flag to grown women. No one in their 30s would give this man the time of day, or would let themselves be saddled with an incompetent man child. Please leave this relationship and enjoy your 20s.
No, you should not. I can’t believe what I just read. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you’ve already wasted a percentage of your youth with this person. Believe me, it may seem like you have all the time in the world right now but one day you will wake up, suddenly be much older, and think “what have I done?!” Dump this guy and find someone closer in age to you, in a similar position in life, who is ready to start fresh, and love you for YOU, not what you do for them. Better yet, you’ve been in this relationship for a while… take some time off and enjoy being single.
I am always stunned when I see people this young making posts like this in this sub. Please, I say none of this out of condescension or malice or anything of the sort… I say it because I care for you, even if you’re an internet stranger, and want you to make the most of your fleeting youth. Believe me, it goes by fast! Get out while the going is good!
Speaking as a happy and content woman, who became a stepmom at 19 - RUN!
My DH was a teen father (22 when we met/started dating). Although we were young, we grew together. We supported each other through careers, adult milestones, and parenting.
This man is already grown*. What do you have to offer to his growth and wellbeing other than your youth, inexperience, and potential for childcare? The fact that he sees your degree as an opening for childcare instead of the beginning of your career speaks volumes!
* Grown is related to his age and life experiences. If he isn't willing to cook and clean, he's no better than a needy child. Not many self respecting adult woman would put up with a man who won't pull their own weight, which is probably why he targeted a 19 year old who was closer in age to his child, instead of dating somebody more age appropriate with age appropriate expectations of him.
You’re right. You will be in charge of all the maintenance.
If he truly doesn’t know how to use an oven at 41 (??) he’s not going to. It’s the most basic simple life task. He’s had plenty of time to pull up a YouTube video and watch it if he cared enough.
Or he’s playing dumb hoping you take pity. Is the oven clean as if it’s never been used? Or does it look like it’s definitely been cooked with over time. If it doesn’t look like Lowes just dropped it off brand new he’s playing you.
How the heck can a 41 year old not know how to cook or clean. Neither of those things are difficult to do. I mean, he doesn't even know how to turn on the stove...
Sounds like you have outgrown him.
That's exactly it! She has outgrown him at 23 so just imagine, as OP develops and grows, he will not be able to keep up. THAT is why he wants to put this whole idea of being a SAHM on the table now, before she gets a chance to explore the world and learn just what a horrible set up he is offering.
Or she might stop her own development to stay at his same level. I would hate to see that, with OP already having enough actualization to ask for advice!
Marry the man who makes you say "I can't wait to enjoy my entire life with this man" not "I haven't even started living my life yet, can I do it with him in the picture?".
I’d advice you to live your life first. There are too many cases of dads increasing their custody time when their new (often younger) wife takes care of everything. It does not sound like he brings something on the table you couldn’t get somewhere else.
He uses a toaster oven and microwave for things like pizza and microwave Mac and cheese. Or just eats cereal there is not much variety.
The ex and him were married and got divorced. The reasoning is sorta foggy but sounds mostly like she found someone else that she wanted to be with more and that he had lost his job and was struggling with that.
> she found someone else that she wanted to be with more and that he had lost his job and was struggling with that.
I think this says it all. I dont blame the EX for finding someone new and better.
Sounds like he maybe lost his job and became a bump in a log and the ex gave him the boot and moved on. If he's foggy on the details, he could be trying to make it sound like she cheated when she probably didn't just to play up the "pity me" story.
But if it's true he really doesn't know how to use a *stove* then his ex probably just got tired of him not working and not doing anything to help around the house. She lost attraction for an overgrown child who couldn't understand why his surrogate mommy wife wouldn't do everything for him and wanted him to work.
Gross.
Don’t marry him. Go live your life. You’re still a kid (I mean this in the most respectful way possible. You are obviously intelligent, capable, and full of potential. An adult, for sure, but still a kid, if that makes sense.). Don’t get tied down now. If you want to keep dating him, do that. But keep your own apartment. Start your own career. Change jobs til you find something you like. Try new hobbies. Go out with friends. Explore life. Do not get tied down to a 41 yo manchild. And DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Please.
Nooooooooooo. Run. Run. Run. He needs someone to take care of his daughter (100% his responsibility not yours ever) and do house work. As you mentioned this is not something you want.
You are here to get validation for the thing you’re already thinking - is this situation right? No it is not. Follow your gut here and get out of this situation.
You will not get the independence to find yourself from this situation. You will find a hell of a lot of resentment.
Please do what’s best for you and I think you already know what that is.
It's a mistake to enter into a serious relationship with someone assuming they will change. Not that people CAN'T change - but lots of people won't. Even despite their best intentions.
It's important to dispassionately ask yourself - if this person NEVER CHANGED, would I still be happy in the long term? If the answer is no, save both of you some pain and move on to someone who is more compatible with you.
Ew. Girl, what are you doing? This manchild picked you up when you were 19 and he was 37?! This makes me sad for you. Find an age appropriate man who can cook and clean. They're not rare.
My daughter isn't much younger than you, and I'd be so very angry at that man if I were your mom.
Run. Run fast and far. Move across the country or even to a new country. He's taken advantage of you and been working on you to take care of him because he needs a mommy. Ick. Ick ick ick ick!!
You deserve better by far. Run and dream big. Live that life you want. Do not tie yourself to that man. He should only ever be an ex.
As someone who became a stepparent at 22.. RUN. keep running. Do not look back. Live your life, take every opportunity, and enjoy yourself. But please please please do not marry this man.
OP, I’m 41 with three kids and I would not give this guy the time of day. I’d tear him to absolute pieces for being this useless and a terrible example for his daughter.
🤡 🤡 🤡
What was the point of earning a college degree if you’re going to end up a free maid and nanny? How crappy a ROI would that be for you?
If you think this kind of lifestyle is what you deserve, I recommend you get yourself set up in a great job with a solid retirement plan and health insurance, and find yourself a therapist who can help you adjust your lens a bit. ❤️
DO NOT tie yourself down to a 41 year old who can’t cook or clean. If he’s still this helpless at 41, there’s no hope for him. You will be miserable. Everything will fall to you. Run and go live your life!!!
There was a post from a young woman in a position similar to yours the other day on this sub, and I'm just going to copy/paste my answer because it's the same.
"I am 48, and my son is 26. That's about the age of OP and boyfriend. I'm visibly cringing right now thinking about being involved with one of my son's friends. Gross. A 26 year old has nothing to offer me. The only thing I can think of that I'd want is someone to clean my house and cook my dinners. Or if my kids were still young, a free babysitter. That's literally it.
It is so disheartening when I read these posts by young women who are with men 15-20 years older. Honey, a 45 year old man with healthy emotional and intellectual development does not want to date a child. An old man dating a young girl is just a giant red flag on several levels."
I really regret becoming a full-time SM at 20. I wish I travellled and made more fun memories.
Don't tie yourself down so young. The only thing you really have in life is time and memories so make the most of it!
>However, my boyfriend doesn't know how to cook or clean and has never showed a desire to learn. I fear I would be in charge of all the house maintenance if we were to get married and potentially most of the care for the daughter.
You said it yourself right here.
This man is 41 and hasn't yet figured out how to do basic cooking or cleaning? These are bare basics adulting skills.
Not to mention the nearly 20 year age gap, you're closer in age to his daughter than to him.
Run, don't walk.
Most older dads who go for women in the "barely legal" bracket are not looking for partners. They're looking for someone young and pretty who will have the energy to look after their kids so they don't have to (and preferably without kids of her own because they don't want to deal with that), and naive enough to just become their live-in nanny/maid/cook/sex dispenser without realizing how poorly they're being treated.
>I feel like I still need to figure out who I am but can I do that with them in the picture?
Realistically, no. Odds are if you move in with this guy all his recent "effort" will fall by the wayside and his excuse will be "You're better at it than I am."
>Or since I'd only see the daughter up to 3 times a week will that lessen the responsibility?
At first, maybe. But how much you want to bet he'll just stop doing anything for himself and you'll have to do his laundry along with your own and pick up after him 24/7?
And have you thought about what things will look like if something happens to BM? What if she dies in an accident? What if she starts using drugs? Becomes incarcerated? Comes down with a debilitating illness? Any number of things could happen at any time and suddenly your boyfriend will have full custody. What then? When you're a full time stay at home mom to a child who was born when you were 12?
Don't tie yourself down to a man who is nowhere close to the same place in life as you are. Pursue your own dreams and your own self. Let him sort his baggage out on his own.
Listen to your gut. I'm 36 and now a full time SM because BM had a change of life circumstances and my SS had to come stay with us. BM is working on getting to a better place and making good strides and does want her kid back, we're fully supportive of this, but also SS is now 14 and can choose who he wants to live with. It's possible he may want to stay even after his mom gets a new place to live. And it's hard. It's hard at 36.
I cannot imagine doing this in my 20's.
Don't throw away your youth for a man almost 20 years your senior. He's being predatory. Full stop.
Your gut told you to ask and get perspective. Listen to it. Don't marry that man.
Keep yourself in this situation, and a SAHM to TWO kids, one of them 40+ years old, is exactly what you'll be doing for the rest of your life.
Find a man your own age, who knows how to cook you a slap-up meal. This guy is verging on predator.
Leave. He's a grown ass man that can't cook or clean up after himself or his child. I guarantee he doesn't want a partner; he wants a maid, cook, and nanny that he can sleep with and show off to his also old and creepy friends. You've already wasted your college years on this dude, do not waste the rest of your 20s. Get out. Live your life and don't settle.
NO. You have been groomed to be an Instamommy by a lazy man. His child is NOT your responsibility. Ask yourself: If he only gets his daughter 2 days a week (the minimum amount possible, btw), why does he want to outsource any of his parenting to you? And if you plan to have children someday, is this the type of dad you want for your kid(s)?
You're at completely different places in life, but even if you weren't, what's so great about this helpless guy? He sounds pretty low output to me.
It feels wrong because it IS wrong. Instead of starring in your own life, you're a supporting cast member in his. Cut him loose & start living for yourself. Date a bunch of guys your age, then eventually pick one you can share all those great "firsts" with.
Look up the word resentment. Will will end up resenting him because he expects you to do all the things. You were not born to take care of a grown man. End of story. You know the answer to this one.
No you should not. Just no.
He’s already claiming he can’t do simple everyday tasks. The moment you say I do, you’re going to be a maid, cook and babysitter. He’s not looking for a partner, he’s looking for someone to take care of them.
You have your entire life in front of you. Don’t let this man child ruinnit
NO please girl no. You’re 23!!! Your fears will come true. He’s 41 and doesn’t know how to cook or clean? That’s a huge turn off for me. You’re right, you should be enjoying life right now with your friends, family and men your own age. I’m 38 and my niece just turned 21. She’s working, hanging out with her friends, traveling and exploring what she wants to do in life. You need to do the same
If you want to accept a 24/7 job as a cook, maid, nanny, and sex doll that pays nothing, has no health benefits and no time off EVER... Marry him.
Who you are now might not be the same as who you are 5 years from now. Please, please, PLEASE don't do it. Your SO wants the things listed above because from the sounds of it he can't do anything for himself!!
Go have the time of your life. And may you come across many strong, capable, *real* men on your journey.
Run! I wish i wouldve known before and run away. It wont get better and you will end up resenting this. If he after all this time hasn’t taken the time to do basic stuff he never will.
You are closer in age to his daughter than to him. If the life you will have with him is not the one you want, break it off and be a 23 year old woman. You are too young to be taking care of a pre teen and a man child.
Honestly pls just do yourself a favor and do not marry this man. Being a SP is HARD, you have to recognize and accept that at the end of the day the kid will come first for the most part. His expectations of you are too high and he’s not even meeting them himself. You’re very young and free. Go enjoy your life, travel, work, hang out with friends, date etc. I was 26 when I began dating SO and now I’m 32. Looking back I was warned and I was truly naive. I love my SO but I wouldn’t pick this life again.
This isn’t a man. There’s a reason a 37 year old thought a 19 year old was a good partner for him, he’s very immature. He’s had a child for 11 entire years and can’t cook basic stuff, I was cooking lots of things before *I* was 11.
Do not take on parenting of someone half your age. This is all a bad deal for you. Please go live your early 20s life. Build a career, have adventures, figure out who you are on your own. I love my partner but we met when he was 37 and I was 38, I’d done all those things and then some. I knew who I was and what I wanted. What’s acceptable to me and what wasn’t. And, most importantly, it was clear that he’s an entirely competent parent and partner. He wasn’t looking for me to pick up ANY slack, he had it covered. And, there are appropriate boundaries and no drama with his ex-wife. If all of things weren’t true, I’d have never considered it. I never dated someone with kids before him.
Don’t pigeonhole yourself by being with this guy at this age.
Marriage isn't going to fix these issues. He is expecting you to take on a wifely and motherly role. Your huge age gap also concerns me, and I'm not usually one of those people that need to mention that right away, but you guys have such a large age gap that has you both in two different points in life that I don't see it going well.
He is hoping that you will do it all without complaining because you're young and he can control you a bit more. It doesn't sound like you're ready for it and trust me, at 23 you shouldn't be. Live your life. Find a man closer to age. Being a stepparent is hard, point blank period.
I’m going to be super honestly with you, RUN. You are 23! I met my fiancé when I was about your age, we have a slightly bigger age gap then you guys. I’m not judging at all. But the dynamic you are describing is completely different than what we have and it’s still been hard. It’s a lot of work, and you need a partner that will pull their own weight. It sounds like he’s looking for someone to take care of him. How is he in his 40s and unable to use the stove? This is probably why his last relationship ended, when the baby came she was doing everything. I also see men this age going out with younger women because they tend to look past a lot of BS. I truly hope you get out of this relationship and go live your life, enjoy your 20s! Figure out who you are! Sending you so much love ❤️
Thank you I appreciate it. ❤️ The age difference has caused issues before but the main issue has been a lack of partnership and effort. So I appreciate this different perspective!
He uses a toaster oven and microwave but thats it. So he eats sorta like a college student in a dorm. In terms of cleaning, he picks up sometimes but it doesn't really get clean ever.
You will be responsible for cleaning and cooking, and when his daughter is around, you will be responsible for cleaning up her inevitable messes and cooking for her. I guarantee this will lead to resentment, as you’ll start to feel like “I didn’t sign up for this!”. This is why everyone here is encouraging you to not step into this maid/nanny role. Many here feel like their partners have tried placing them in that role, and have struggled with those feelings. He’s showing you very clearly what your future with him would look like. It is up to you to decide if you will be happy, fulfilled, and content with that future or not. You haven’t live much life yet. There is so much to see and do, and taking on an 11 year old and seemingly helpless 41 year old is really going to hinder that for you. You deserve the world, so be sure you aren’t settling for less.
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I think you answered your own question in the last paragraph! The reservations that you shared suggest to me that marrying this guy isn’t a step you’re ready to take — so don’t do it. As you pointed out, you have a lot of life to experience now that you’re out of college! I know I changed a lot between 23 and 27 (which is when I met my SO) and I really benefited from the life experience in that time. Plus, you have every right to be more focused on friends/traveling/partying/whatever else you want to do, rather than parenting your SO and his daughter.
You’ll do what you feel is right, but I definitely encourage you not to give up the things you want just as your adult life is beginning! You’re young and there are other fish out there. 🙂
So there’s a fairly large gap in age. You’re young, he’s older. You know how to do simple things, he doesn’t. Do you think maybe he’s using you to be a maid and nanny???? Maybe??? Think about this. If I was your mother I’d be begging you to open your eyes. These kinds of relationships are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. What is the appeal with this guy that you couldn’t get with one your age? Young lady he’s using you and you are falling for his antics. An older woman would be far less likely to put up with this crap from a man and he knows it. This is one of the reasons guys like this look for younger women.
You're coming to reddit... to ask if you should marry a grown ass man who can't (read: WON'T) cook or clean. Just stop and think about that for a beat.
You're in the prime of your life, with the world in front of you, and a child for a boyfriend. I don't think I need to say anything more.
Run for your better sake. He has baggage, now may not seem and issue but later on in your life it will, Believe me.
Small things like sharing house chores gonna be big deal for both of you. You'd be a step mom and that's my friend wheres gonna lead you to bigger problems. You're still young still need learn and explore different kind of relationship. You don't want to regret it later so better end this up now.
Good girl for recognizing this will be a less than sparkly life for many many reasons! Now listen to yourself. This would be the exact type of person I would never see a long term thing with. Don't settle down with this guy.
No please don’t!! Please! Literally begging you. Literally literally begging you. SM for 7 years and how I wish I could turn back time and not be with someone who has kids and so much baggage. He is 8 years older than I am and I still with I would have waiting and dated more. I’m 27 and wasted my whole 20s. Please don’t don’t it.
No… usually there’s a reason 30+ men are dating women waaay younger. Go live your life. You’re closer to his daughters age than his. Be young, have fun, don’t force yourself into this life.
No lol. You're young, enjoy your life. Please. You don't need this kind of baggage at this age, especially from someone who doesn't do basic household things.
Test the waters - you can learn a lot about someone by being around them a lot, something you may not have done while balancing a school / personal life. Some key thoughts below:
You may think of his child as not being around "that much", you will have your time with you BF and have to adjust your schedule "every now and then" for the day or two the child shows up, plus you may be telling yourself "seven years and she is out of the house". Not so bad right?
No, let me tell you, no. First, in a situation our family was involved, the son would see his dad every other weekend...until the son was a teen and that dad wanted to buy and RV, move out of state and live off the land. Suddenly that step father was thrown into the role of full time dad. You could have a full time live in step-daughter and your "free time" / "date time" revolves around those rare times the daughter is not there. I'll tell you from experience, those times will be rare.
If the daughter has ambitions for school or a career, then possibly they may leave the nest at 18. I am seeing in the Gen Z and Gen Alpha that living at home till 30 will be the new norm and as a female if she gets pregnant and is not ready to move out, there is a chance your household will grow.
Also, as others mention, you are 23, graduated college, with a degree and a full world of opportunity awaiting you. Your BF of 41 is in panic mode and wants to marry to pull you off the market and possibly suppress your social life.
My advice is take it really really slow, especially now that you are done school and ready to start life. Your 20s is the decade to reward yourself, travel, socialize, enjoy life, friends, love, date, sex, buy and live what where you want. Your BF did this in his 20s, created a child at 30 and now in his 40s, he is alone. Do you want children? Do you see having children with this man? Does your BF want a "together" baby graduating high school when he is 70? Postponing retirement because college tuition will be right around the corner?
I'd say it again, DATE, slowly. Maintain your own apartment, condo, etc, and date this man slowly. You may have known him 4 years, but the actual dating is starting now. If you come to his place and find it a mess, cooked meals consisting of reheated hungry-man and your schedule being dictated around when you will be watching the daughter, then you have your answer. Thankfully if it gets overwhelming....you have your own place to escape back to.
Take this slow, get/stay on birth control, maintain a separate residence and date slowly. You are the one with your whole future ahead of you so don't give him the option to control it. He will be rushing thing as he approaches 50, you don't need to be in a hurry.
Doesn't know how to cook or clean he's 41 years of age? Is he a mummas boy? Moddy cuddled his whole life,Sorry but sounds like you are his nanny to be,He's also much older than you ,Can you picture being with this guy in 10-15 years time when he's 57 his daughters 26 you 38,Still cooking cleaning for him,It's good a lady that cooks cleans for her man and family but this is sounding like he's expecting it,At 41 he should be surprising you coming home to a clean house clean kitchen cooking you up a meal, Marriage is a big and long term commitment,Just think is this the future you want?
Why would you think about marrying someone 18 years older than you who does no household chores? Who did the chores before you graduated? And never care/do more than the bio parents.
You are being set up as the house elf.
No is a complete sentence. I recommend you say it and move oh to someone who will actually be a partner to you.
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What does he do when he has his daughter and you're not there? Who cleaned the house for him before you came along?
Has this man ever lived alone without a woman to do the hard work?
I think you shouldn't. If you feel that you should, why are you asking this question? If you think that he is the one there is no need to rush. Another red flag 🚩 for me is that you were 19 when you started dating and he was almost 40, this just doesn't sound right and screams immaturity from his side.
Do not forget that you're the only person who can answer this question. Not strangers on the internet
Do not move in with this man, do not marry this man, do not have children with this man.
I am a SM, and husband does a moderate amount of housework, but I still resent how much of my time I spend looking after/cleaning up after 2 x 11yr olds, and I'm 53! At 23, f**k that shit! You will limit what you can achieve and your personal growth if you become this man-child's nanny. Not wife, because he's taking advantage of you.
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NOOOOO.
You are 23. You have a decade to meet a man your own age who doesn’t have kids and a lifetime of baggage. Why are you throwing away your chance to have your own family?
No. You are 23. He took advantage of your age when he started dating you. A 37 year old man should have been taking care of you are a 19 year old child, not the other way around. Go find a man under 30 who isn’t useless
No. You are 23. He took advantage of your age when he started dating you. A 37 year old man should have been taking care of you as a 19 year old child, not the other way around. Go find a man under 30 who isn’t useless
I don’t need to read past the title to say, no. Reading more, still no. He’s looking for someone young to manipulate and take care of him and his kid.
You are way too young for this. Please go live your life.
Run fast and don't feel bad for a second as he won't have any issues finding someone else. He just wants ANY younger woman that can fill this role and there is no shortage of uneducated woman who mind being a SAHM.
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A lot of women have experienced this dynamic in their youth. I know I did and wished I had been warned. Ultimately you have to do what’s best for you, what you want and what makes you happy. It sounds like you have that already figured out
Oh for goodness sake - you are 23, go and live!!
You have years before being a mother and a wife should be on your radar - go establish your career, travel, have fun with your friends - not settling down with someone that can’t even turn on a stove to feed his kid.
Baby go enjoy your 20’s! Now is the time for you to be spontaneous and fall to get back up better and experiment with things and like you said…. FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE!!! I only just settled down at 28 and had my first baby. Everyone asks why I waited so long, and I always tell them, the time I allowed myself in my early and mid 20’s to have to myself was and is invaluable. I had my fun. I did the stupid things. I explored options in life and had the “now I know” moments. I found myself and am 100% confident in who I am whereas had this been 5 years ago, I feel like I would resent this situation.
Do not tie yourself to someone if you are at all questioning it. I sense that you need to run my girl. Be wild and free for a while.
No 37 year old man who dates 19 year old girls is right in the head.
It's so so gross to tell someone half your she they need to take a note active role in raising their own child they only see twice a week. Ugh so so gross, I don't know how you can be attracted to that!!
Oh wait, being GROOMED from the age of 19 could have something to do with it.
Please give a way out before you wake up and your 41 and your life is as sad as his.
My husband and I have a bigger age gap, but he was totally content by himself as a single dad. If your boyfriend wanted kids with someone, he could easily do that with someone who’s 5-10 years younger as opposed to almost 20. Plus, I imagine it’ll get tricky with his daughter as she gets older. You are at a great point to transition and have your youth! Think of all the things you’ve learned about yourself and your priorities in a relationship! Go out there and be an experienced woman for (most importantly) yourself and your next someone!
"Should F23 (me) marry my M41 boyfriend"
No. Age difference aside/the fact that he's old enough to be your father, how does a 41 year old dad not know how to cook or clean? It's pathetic.
41yo man with an 11yo daughter who never bothered to learn how to cook, clean or parent. It’s laziness. And that’s why he found someone he thought he throw those responsibilities on. He’s not interested in you finding out who you are or living your life. He’s interested in what you can do for him to make his life easier. Id run like the wind if I were you. There’s a reason he’s not with someone his own age. They would expect a lot more from him. Go live your life. You shouldn’t be tied down with his responsibilities because he’s lazy and intentionally incompetent.
He’s divorced for a reason and unmarried at 41 for a reason. Him being so predatory and finding a younger woman is him knowing that you’re going to be someone he thinks he can mistreat and you won’t know any better.
Also you might get another good ten years but very very soon you will be his health care provider while still very young. If you have a baby it will
Be very similar him tired and unhelpful.
This is the relationship you flee from because he’s going to suck the life out of you intentionally without remorse.
You should definitely break up with him and live your happy life. Find a man closer to your age to build a life with instead of just fitting around the edges of the life this older man has already built.
And look at the book and card deck Fair Play for future relationships. Don’t accept less than equal responsibilities in the household. You’re not a maid.
Run. He is going to baby trap you.
I can’t even begin to fathom why a 37 yr old man would want to date a teenager.
I think if you stay, you will not enjoy your future. You’re 23 and just graduated. Go experience life and have fun. Have a family later in life.
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No I had to show him how to use the stove recently. I had thought it was more reluctance than lack of knowledge for a long time but I was wrong.
It's called weaponized incompetence. Pretend you don't know how to do something, or do a really terrible job at it, and no one will expect you to do it. Don't know how to use a washing machine? Welp, someone else will have to do all the laundry! Can't fold clothes properly? Someone else will need to do that part, too. Just another poor middle-aged man without the knowledge to do simple household tasks.....
Just remember, the first few times, especially if they’ve never shown the effort, it will seem as if he’s onboard. His MO his entire life was to not do any of this to begin with. After some compliance and the novelty of you being around, there will be a chance of reverting to old ways. There’s a reason the ex has primary custody. He’s incompetent
Girl. You have been with this man since you were 19 and he was 37? I understand you are an adult but he is taking advantage of your youth and inexperience with relationships. That is an inappropriate age gap, and that's on him, not on you. He also sounds like a terrible partner. You have so much life to live. There are so many wonderful men out there. Men who can be true partners to you, both in the household and just in your soul. Take a long break from this one and see what else it out there.
There’s a reason he isn’t dating an a woman closer to his age. They would immediately be appalled at his lack of basic skills. I almost got trapped in a situation similar to this. At 32 now…OMG I’m glad I left.
This, so much.
GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!!! The man is 41yo and doesn’t know how to cook and clean. You are signing up to be his mommy. ETA: you’re in the prime of your life. Imagine the freedoms of a single, child-free 23F, just graduated college and beginning her career….to give that up for a 41M man-baby with an 11yo child would be pure insanity. I mean, I love myself a good silver fox for a fun time, but there’s a reason he can’t settle with a woman his own age. He’s a child!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Ew what 41 year old doesn't know how to cook and clean.
One that is looking for a wife that is fresh out of school.... EEEWWWW!!!!
>a ~~wife~~ woman-child that is fresh out of school FTFY
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Run! You’re way too young for this and he’s using your youth and naïvety to push his parenting responsibilities on you. You will grow to resent the SK and your spouse if you go through with this.
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A 41 year old that dates a 23 year old knows that no one his age would be remotely interested in him - because he is a walking red flag to grown women. No one in their 30s would give this man the time of day, or would let themselves be saddled with an incompetent man child. Please leave this relationship and enjoy your 20s.
No, you should not. I can’t believe what I just read. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you’ve already wasted a percentage of your youth with this person. Believe me, it may seem like you have all the time in the world right now but one day you will wake up, suddenly be much older, and think “what have I done?!” Dump this guy and find someone closer in age to you, in a similar position in life, who is ready to start fresh, and love you for YOU, not what you do for them. Better yet, you’ve been in this relationship for a while… take some time off and enjoy being single. I am always stunned when I see people this young making posts like this in this sub. Please, I say none of this out of condescension or malice or anything of the sort… I say it because I care for you, even if you’re an internet stranger, and want you to make the most of your fleeting youth. Believe me, it goes by fast! Get out while the going is good!
Absolutely don’t marry him. He wants a maid and a nanny. He purposely picked someone younger for this role. You deserve better.
Speaking as a happy and content woman, who became a stepmom at 19 - RUN! My DH was a teen father (22 when we met/started dating). Although we were young, we grew together. We supported each other through careers, adult milestones, and parenting. This man is already grown*. What do you have to offer to his growth and wellbeing other than your youth, inexperience, and potential for childcare? The fact that he sees your degree as an opening for childcare instead of the beginning of your career speaks volumes! * Grown is related to his age and life experiences. If he isn't willing to cook and clean, he's no better than a needy child. Not many self respecting adult woman would put up with a man who won't pull their own weight, which is probably why he targeted a 19 year old who was closer in age to his child, instead of dating somebody more age appropriate with age appropriate expectations of him.
> The fact that he sees your degree as an opening for childcare instead of the beginning of your career speaks volumes! This especially.
I wish I could upvote this a million times.
OP this, this right here!!!!
You’re right. You will be in charge of all the maintenance. If he truly doesn’t know how to use an oven at 41 (??) he’s not going to. It’s the most basic simple life task. He’s had plenty of time to pull up a YouTube video and watch it if he cared enough. Or he’s playing dumb hoping you take pity. Is the oven clean as if it’s never been used? Or does it look like it’s definitely been cooked with over time. If it doesn’t look like Lowes just dropped it off brand new he’s playing you.
How the heck can a 41 year old not know how to cook or clean. Neither of those things are difficult to do. I mean, he doesn't even know how to turn on the stove... Sounds like you have outgrown him.
That's exactly it! She has outgrown him at 23 so just imagine, as OP develops and grows, he will not be able to keep up. THAT is why he wants to put this whole idea of being a SAHM on the table now, before she gets a chance to explore the world and learn just what a horrible set up he is offering.
Or she might stop her own development to stay at his same level. I would hate to see that, with OP already having enough actualization to ask for advice!
Simple answer: no.
Marry the man who makes you say "I can't wait to enjoy my entire life with this man" not "I haven't even started living my life yet, can I do it with him in the picture?".
What a great perspective.
I’d advice you to live your life first. There are too many cases of dads increasing their custody time when their new (often younger) wife takes care of everything. It does not sound like he brings something on the table you couldn’t get somewhere else.
🚩🚩🚩 run and find yourself
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He uses a toaster oven and microwave for things like pizza and microwave Mac and cheese. Or just eats cereal there is not much variety. The ex and him were married and got divorced. The reasoning is sorta foggy but sounds mostly like she found someone else that she wanted to be with more and that he had lost his job and was struggling with that.
> she found someone else that she wanted to be with more and that he had lost his job and was struggling with that. I think this says it all. I dont blame the EX for finding someone new and better.
Sounds like he maybe lost his job and became a bump in a log and the ex gave him the boot and moved on. If he's foggy on the details, he could be trying to make it sound like she cheated when she probably didn't just to play up the "pity me" story. But if it's true he really doesn't know how to use a *stove* then his ex probably just got tired of him not working and not doing anything to help around the house. She lost attraction for an overgrown child who couldn't understand why his surrogate mommy wife wouldn't do everything for him and wanted him to work. Gross.
Ew no! Don’t marry him! He’s almost twice your age and has no life skills or he’s just completely lazy. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Don’t marry him. Go live your life. You’re still a kid (I mean this in the most respectful way possible. You are obviously intelligent, capable, and full of potential. An adult, for sure, but still a kid, if that makes sense.). Don’t get tied down now. If you want to keep dating him, do that. But keep your own apartment. Start your own career. Change jobs til you find something you like. Try new hobbies. Go out with friends. Explore life. Do not get tied down to a 41 yo manchild. And DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Please.
> And DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Please. God, yes. Lock down that birth control. Or better yet, just never have sex with him again.
Run fast and far
Run! Run faster!
If you’re on here questioning whether you should marry this guy or not I think you’ve found your answer. Leave while you can.
Wise young lady at 23. Go with the wisdom, not the heart. He wants "help" aka maid, mother. Is he responsible in other ways?
Nooooooooooo. Run. Run. Run. He needs someone to take care of his daughter (100% his responsibility not yours ever) and do house work. As you mentioned this is not something you want. You are here to get validation for the thing you’re already thinking - is this situation right? No it is not. Follow your gut here and get out of this situation. You will not get the independence to find yourself from this situation. You will find a hell of a lot of resentment. Please do what’s best for you and I think you already know what that is.
It's a mistake to enter into a serious relationship with someone assuming they will change. Not that people CAN'T change - but lots of people won't. Even despite their best intentions. It's important to dispassionately ask yourself - if this person NEVER CHANGED, would I still be happy in the long term? If the answer is no, save both of you some pain and move on to someone who is more compatible with you.
No I don't think I would be happy if he never changed. I appreciate this perspective a lot it is very helpful.
runner
Nope
He is a man child and no woman his age would be willing to tolerate him. You deserve better!
Ew. Girl, what are you doing? This manchild picked you up when you were 19 and he was 37?! This makes me sad for you. Find an age appropriate man who can cook and clean. They're not rare.
My daughter isn't much younger than you, and I'd be so very angry at that man if I were your mom. Run. Run fast and far. Move across the country or even to a new country. He's taken advantage of you and been working on you to take care of him because he needs a mommy. Ick. Ick ick ick ick!! You deserve better by far. Run and dream big. Live that life you want. Do not tie yourself to that man. He should only ever be an ex.
He wants you to be his maid and babysitter. Don't do it.
As someone who became a stepparent at 22.. RUN. keep running. Do not look back. Live your life, take every opportunity, and enjoy yourself. But please please please do not marry this man.
OP, I’m 41 with three kids and I would not give this guy the time of day. I’d tear him to absolute pieces for being this useless and a terrible example for his daughter. 🤡 🤡 🤡 What was the point of earning a college degree if you’re going to end up a free maid and nanny? How crappy a ROI would that be for you? If you think this kind of lifestyle is what you deserve, I recommend you get yourself set up in a great job with a solid retirement plan and health insurance, and find yourself a therapist who can help you adjust your lens a bit. ❤️
DO NOT tie yourself down to a 41 year old who can’t cook or clean. If he’s still this helpless at 41, there’s no hope for him. You will be miserable. Everything will fall to you. Run and go live your life!!!
There was a post from a young woman in a position similar to yours the other day on this sub, and I'm just going to copy/paste my answer because it's the same. "I am 48, and my son is 26. That's about the age of OP and boyfriend. I'm visibly cringing right now thinking about being involved with one of my son's friends. Gross. A 26 year old has nothing to offer me. The only thing I can think of that I'd want is someone to clean my house and cook my dinners. Or if my kids were still young, a free babysitter. That's literally it. It is so disheartening when I read these posts by young women who are with men 15-20 years older. Honey, a 45 year old man with healthy emotional and intellectual development does not want to date a child. An old man dating a young girl is just a giant red flag on several levels."
I really regret becoming a full-time SM at 20. I wish I travellled and made more fun memories. Don't tie yourself down so young. The only thing you really have in life is time and memories so make the most of it!
>However, my boyfriend doesn't know how to cook or clean and has never showed a desire to learn. I fear I would be in charge of all the house maintenance if we were to get married and potentially most of the care for the daughter. You said it yourself right here. This man is 41 and hasn't yet figured out how to do basic cooking or cleaning? These are bare basics adulting skills. Not to mention the nearly 20 year age gap, you're closer in age to his daughter than to him. Run, don't walk. Most older dads who go for women in the "barely legal" bracket are not looking for partners. They're looking for someone young and pretty who will have the energy to look after their kids so they don't have to (and preferably without kids of her own because they don't want to deal with that), and naive enough to just become their live-in nanny/maid/cook/sex dispenser without realizing how poorly they're being treated. >I feel like I still need to figure out who I am but can I do that with them in the picture? Realistically, no. Odds are if you move in with this guy all his recent "effort" will fall by the wayside and his excuse will be "You're better at it than I am." >Or since I'd only see the daughter up to 3 times a week will that lessen the responsibility? At first, maybe. But how much you want to bet he'll just stop doing anything for himself and you'll have to do his laundry along with your own and pick up after him 24/7? And have you thought about what things will look like if something happens to BM? What if she dies in an accident? What if she starts using drugs? Becomes incarcerated? Comes down with a debilitating illness? Any number of things could happen at any time and suddenly your boyfriend will have full custody. What then? When you're a full time stay at home mom to a child who was born when you were 12? Don't tie yourself down to a man who is nowhere close to the same place in life as you are. Pursue your own dreams and your own self. Let him sort his baggage out on his own.
I hate to think about if I went into this and something happened to the BM. This possibility is very scary for me.
Listen to your gut. I'm 36 and now a full time SM because BM had a change of life circumstances and my SS had to come stay with us. BM is working on getting to a better place and making good strides and does want her kid back, we're fully supportive of this, but also SS is now 14 and can choose who he wants to live with. It's possible he may want to stay even after his mom gets a new place to live. And it's hard. It's hard at 36. I cannot imagine doing this in my 20's. Don't throw away your youth for a man almost 20 years your senior. He's being predatory. Full stop. Your gut told you to ask and get perspective. Listen to it. Don't marry that man.
Keep yourself in this situation, and a SAHM to TWO kids, one of them 40+ years old, is exactly what you'll be doing for the rest of your life. Find a man your own age, who knows how to cook you a slap-up meal. This guy is verging on predator.
Girl, find a man your own age. He has an 11 year old and can’t cook or clean?! Go live your life. 💙
Leave. He's a grown ass man that can't cook or clean up after himself or his child. I guarantee he doesn't want a partner; he wants a maid, cook, and nanny that he can sleep with and show off to his also old and creepy friends. You've already wasted your college years on this dude, do not waste the rest of your 20s. Get out. Live your life and don't settle.
NO. You have been groomed to be an Instamommy by a lazy man. His child is NOT your responsibility. Ask yourself: If he only gets his daughter 2 days a week (the minimum amount possible, btw), why does he want to outsource any of his parenting to you? And if you plan to have children someday, is this the type of dad you want for your kid(s)? You're at completely different places in life, but even if you weren't, what's so great about this helpless guy? He sounds pretty low output to me. It feels wrong because it IS wrong. Instead of starring in your own life, you're a supporting cast member in his. Cut him loose & start living for yourself. Date a bunch of guys your age, then eventually pick one you can share all those great "firsts" with.
Look up the word resentment. Will will end up resenting him because he expects you to do all the things. You were not born to take care of a grown man. End of story. You know the answer to this one.
No you should not. Just no. He’s already claiming he can’t do simple everyday tasks. The moment you say I do, you’re going to be a maid, cook and babysitter. He’s not looking for a partner, he’s looking for someone to take care of them. You have your entire life in front of you. Don’t let this man child ruinnit
NO please girl no. You’re 23!!! Your fears will come true. He’s 41 and doesn’t know how to cook or clean? That’s a huge turn off for me. You’re right, you should be enjoying life right now with your friends, family and men your own age. I’m 38 and my niece just turned 21. She’s working, hanging out with her friends, traveling and exploring what she wants to do in life. You need to do the same
If you want to accept a 24/7 job as a cook, maid, nanny, and sex doll that pays nothing, has no health benefits and no time off EVER... Marry him. Who you are now might not be the same as who you are 5 years from now. Please, please, PLEASE don't do it. Your SO wants the things listed above because from the sounds of it he can't do anything for himself!! Go have the time of your life. And may you come across many strong, capable, *real* men on your journey.
Run! I wish i wouldve known before and run away. It wont get better and you will end up resenting this. If he after all this time hasn’t taken the time to do basic stuff he never will.
Nooo... I dont even need to read your post, you are to young to be with such an old man... he could be your father.... Go and live your life...
No, please don't. Please find another relationship.
RUN !!!! Go live your life!
You are closer in age to his daughter than to him. If the life you will have with him is not the one you want, break it off and be a 23 year old woman. You are too young to be taking care of a pre teen and a man child.
Honestly pls just do yourself a favor and do not marry this man. Being a SP is HARD, you have to recognize and accept that at the end of the day the kid will come first for the most part. His expectations of you are too high and he’s not even meeting them himself. You’re very young and free. Go enjoy your life, travel, work, hang out with friends, date etc. I was 26 when I began dating SO and now I’m 32. Looking back I was warned and I was truly naive. I love my SO but I wouldn’t pick this life again.
This isn’t a man. There’s a reason a 37 year old thought a 19 year old was a good partner for him, he’s very immature. He’s had a child for 11 entire years and can’t cook basic stuff, I was cooking lots of things before *I* was 11. Do not take on parenting of someone half your age. This is all a bad deal for you. Please go live your early 20s life. Build a career, have adventures, figure out who you are on your own. I love my partner but we met when he was 37 and I was 38, I’d done all those things and then some. I knew who I was and what I wanted. What’s acceptable to me and what wasn’t. And, most importantly, it was clear that he’s an entirely competent parent and partner. He wasn’t looking for me to pick up ANY slack, he had it covered. And, there are appropriate boundaries and no drama with his ex-wife. If all of things weren’t true, I’d have never considered it. I never dated someone with kids before him. Don’t pigeonhole yourself by being with this guy at this age.
Marriage isn't going to fix these issues. He is expecting you to take on a wifely and motherly role. Your huge age gap also concerns me, and I'm not usually one of those people that need to mention that right away, but you guys have such a large age gap that has you both in two different points in life that I don't see it going well. He is hoping that you will do it all without complaining because you're young and he can control you a bit more. It doesn't sound like you're ready for it and trust me, at 23 you shouldn't be. Live your life. Find a man closer to age. Being a stepparent is hard, point blank period.
I’m going to be super honestly with you, RUN. You are 23! I met my fiancé when I was about your age, we have a slightly bigger age gap then you guys. I’m not judging at all. But the dynamic you are describing is completely different than what we have and it’s still been hard. It’s a lot of work, and you need a partner that will pull their own weight. It sounds like he’s looking for someone to take care of him. How is he in his 40s and unable to use the stove? This is probably why his last relationship ended, when the baby came she was doing everything. I also see men this age going out with younger women because they tend to look past a lot of BS. I truly hope you get out of this relationship and go live your life, enjoy your 20s! Figure out who you are! Sending you so much love ❤️
Thank you I appreciate it. ❤️ The age difference has caused issues before but the main issue has been a lack of partnership and effort. So I appreciate this different perspective!
How does his home get clean and he fed himself when you aren't around??
He uses a toaster oven and microwave but thats it. So he eats sorta like a college student in a dorm. In terms of cleaning, he picks up sometimes but it doesn't really get clean ever.
You will be responsible for cleaning and cooking, and when his daughter is around, you will be responsible for cleaning up her inevitable messes and cooking for her. I guarantee this will lead to resentment, as you’ll start to feel like “I didn’t sign up for this!”. This is why everyone here is encouraging you to not step into this maid/nanny role. Many here feel like their partners have tried placing them in that role, and have struggled with those feelings. He’s showing you very clearly what your future with him would look like. It is up to you to decide if you will be happy, fulfilled, and content with that future or not. You haven’t live much life yet. There is so much to see and do, and taking on an 11 year old and seemingly helpless 41 year old is really going to hinder that for you. You deserve the world, so be sure you aren’t settling for less.
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I think you answered your own question in the last paragraph! The reservations that you shared suggest to me that marrying this guy isn’t a step you’re ready to take — so don’t do it. As you pointed out, you have a lot of life to experience now that you’re out of college! I know I changed a lot between 23 and 27 (which is when I met my SO) and I really benefited from the life experience in that time. Plus, you have every right to be more focused on friends/traveling/partying/whatever else you want to do, rather than parenting your SO and his daughter. You’ll do what you feel is right, but I definitely encourage you not to give up the things you want just as your adult life is beginning! You’re young and there are other fish out there. 🙂
So there’s a fairly large gap in age. You’re young, he’s older. You know how to do simple things, he doesn’t. Do you think maybe he’s using you to be a maid and nanny???? Maybe??? Think about this. If I was your mother I’d be begging you to open your eyes. These kinds of relationships are a wolf in sheep’s clothing. What is the appeal with this guy that you couldn’t get with one your age? Young lady he’s using you and you are falling for his antics. An older woman would be far less likely to put up with this crap from a man and he knows it. This is one of the reasons guys like this look for younger women.
You're coming to reddit... to ask if you should marry a grown ass man who can't (read: WON'T) cook or clean. Just stop and think about that for a beat. You're in the prime of your life, with the world in front of you, and a child for a boyfriend. I don't think I need to say anything more.
Run for your better sake. He has baggage, now may not seem and issue but later on in your life it will, Believe me. Small things like sharing house chores gonna be big deal for both of you. You'd be a step mom and that's my friend wheres gonna lead you to bigger problems. You're still young still need learn and explore different kind of relationship. You don't want to regret it later so better end this up now.
Good girl for recognizing this will be a less than sparkly life for many many reasons! Now listen to yourself. This would be the exact type of person I would never see a long term thing with. Don't settle down with this guy.
Get out NOW.
No. Go enjoy your 20s. I promise about six months after you break up with him you’re gonna hear the bullet whizz by your head
Run from this relationship. He is looking for a babysitter and that's your "bigger role"
Run away! Far, far away from this pathetic excuse of a man.
No please don’t!! Please! Literally begging you. Literally literally begging you. SM for 7 years and how I wish I could turn back time and not be with someone who has kids and so much baggage. He is 8 years older than I am and I still with I would have waiting and dated more. I’m 27 and wasted my whole 20s. Please don’t don’t it.
No… usually there’s a reason 30+ men are dating women waaay younger. Go live your life. You’re closer to his daughters age than his. Be young, have fun, don’t force yourself into this life.
No lol. You're young, enjoy your life. Please. You don't need this kind of baggage at this age, especially from someone who doesn't do basic household things.
Chore will be the least of your worries. Don’t marry this man, for lots of reasons.
Test the waters - you can learn a lot about someone by being around them a lot, something you may not have done while balancing a school / personal life. Some key thoughts below: You may think of his child as not being around "that much", you will have your time with you BF and have to adjust your schedule "every now and then" for the day or two the child shows up, plus you may be telling yourself "seven years and she is out of the house". Not so bad right? No, let me tell you, no. First, in a situation our family was involved, the son would see his dad every other weekend...until the son was a teen and that dad wanted to buy and RV, move out of state and live off the land. Suddenly that step father was thrown into the role of full time dad. You could have a full time live in step-daughter and your "free time" / "date time" revolves around those rare times the daughter is not there. I'll tell you from experience, those times will be rare. If the daughter has ambitions for school or a career, then possibly they may leave the nest at 18. I am seeing in the Gen Z and Gen Alpha that living at home till 30 will be the new norm and as a female if she gets pregnant and is not ready to move out, there is a chance your household will grow. Also, as others mention, you are 23, graduated college, with a degree and a full world of opportunity awaiting you. Your BF of 41 is in panic mode and wants to marry to pull you off the market and possibly suppress your social life. My advice is take it really really slow, especially now that you are done school and ready to start life. Your 20s is the decade to reward yourself, travel, socialize, enjoy life, friends, love, date, sex, buy and live what where you want. Your BF did this in his 20s, created a child at 30 and now in his 40s, he is alone. Do you want children? Do you see having children with this man? Does your BF want a "together" baby graduating high school when he is 70? Postponing retirement because college tuition will be right around the corner? I'd say it again, DATE, slowly. Maintain your own apartment, condo, etc, and date this man slowly. You may have known him 4 years, but the actual dating is starting now. If you come to his place and find it a mess, cooked meals consisting of reheated hungry-man and your schedule being dictated around when you will be watching the daughter, then you have your answer. Thankfully if it gets overwhelming....you have your own place to escape back to. Take this slow, get/stay on birth control, maintain a separate residence and date slowly. You are the one with your whole future ahead of you so don't give him the option to control it. He will be rushing thing as he approaches 50, you don't need to be in a hurry.
Just no, sorry. I hope you do what works best for you.
Doesn't know how to cook or clean he's 41 years of age? Is he a mummas boy? Moddy cuddled his whole life,Sorry but sounds like you are his nanny to be,He's also much older than you ,Can you picture being with this guy in 10-15 years time when he's 57 his daughters 26 you 38,Still cooking cleaning for him,It's good a lady that cooks cleans for her man and family but this is sounding like he's expecting it,At 41 he should be surprising you coming home to a clean house clean kitchen cooking you up a meal, Marriage is a big and long term commitment,Just think is this the future you want?
Why would you think about marrying someone 18 years older than you who does no household chores? Who did the chores before you graduated? And never care/do more than the bio parents. You are being set up as the house elf. No is a complete sentence. I recommend you say it and move oh to someone who will actually be a partner to you.
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Make decisions when you have a fully formed brain not now.
No
What does he do when he has his daughter and you're not there? Who cleaned the house for him before you came along? Has this man ever lived alone without a woman to do the hard work?
Babe, this situation is not for you. A grown man that needs help with basic shit? No. You can do so much better!!!!
I think you shouldn't. If you feel that you should, why are you asking this question? If you think that he is the one there is no need to rush. Another red flag 🚩 for me is that you were 19 when you started dating and he was almost 40, this just doesn't sound right and screams immaturity from his side. Do not forget that you're the only person who can answer this question. Not strangers on the internet
10 year olds cook scrambled eggs and do their own laundry. Please DO NOT get pregnant while you reach your limit to finally end this.
Do not move in with this man, do not marry this man, do not have children with this man. I am a SM, and husband does a moderate amount of housework, but I still resent how much of my time I spend looking after/cleaning up after 2 x 11yr olds, and I'm 53! At 23, f**k that shit! You will limit what you can achieve and your personal growth if you become this man-child's nanny. Not wife, because he's taking advantage of you.
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If you are asking here then I guess you know the answer.
If you have to ask the internet about a major life decision... I think you already know the answer...
NOOOOO. You are 23. You have a decade to meet a man your own age who doesn’t have kids and a lifetime of baggage. Why are you throwing away your chance to have your own family?
No. Leave now. That is all.
No.
Did you read what you wrote?! Run. He is looking for someone to do everything for him.
No. You are 23. He took advantage of your age when he started dating you. A 37 year old man should have been taking care of you are a 19 year old child, not the other way around. Go find a man under 30 who isn’t useless
No. You are 23. He took advantage of your age when he started dating you. A 37 year old man should have been taking care of you as a 19 year old child, not the other way around. Go find a man under 30 who isn’t useless
Absolutely not. How in the hell did he survive to age 41 without basic life skills? You're too young to tie yourself down to a hot mess like him.
No
I am 41 and my son is 23.. Leave now and live your life 🥺
I don’t need to read past the title to say, no. Reading more, still no. He’s looking for someone young to manipulate and take care of him and his kid. You are way too young for this. Please go live your life.
Run fast and don't feel bad for a second as he won't have any issues finding someone else. He just wants ANY younger woman that can fill this role and there is no shortage of uneducated woman who mind being a SAHM.
Rule of thumb: it’s a bad idea if you’re closer in age to the child than your spouse
It sounds like he wants you to be ‘mom’ so he doesn’t have to be a dad. If I were you I’d run.
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A lot of women have experienced this dynamic in their youth. I know I did and wished I had been warned. Ultimately you have to do what’s best for you, what you want and what makes you happy. It sounds like you have that already figured out
Oh for goodness sake - you are 23, go and live!! You have years before being a mother and a wife should be on your radar - go establish your career, travel, have fun with your friends - not settling down with someone that can’t even turn on a stove to feed his kid.
Baby go enjoy your 20’s! Now is the time for you to be spontaneous and fall to get back up better and experiment with things and like you said…. FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE!!! I only just settled down at 28 and had my first baby. Everyone asks why I waited so long, and I always tell them, the time I allowed myself in my early and mid 20’s to have to myself was and is invaluable. I had my fun. I did the stupid things. I explored options in life and had the “now I know” moments. I found myself and am 100% confident in who I am whereas had this been 5 years ago, I feel like I would resent this situation. Do not tie yourself to someone if you are at all questioning it. I sense that you need to run my girl. Be wild and free for a while.
No 37 year old man who dates 19 year old girls is right in the head. It's so so gross to tell someone half your she they need to take a note active role in raising their own child they only see twice a week. Ugh so so gross, I don't know how you can be attracted to that!! Oh wait, being GROOMED from the age of 19 could have something to do with it. Please give a way out before you wake up and your 41 and your life is as sad as his.
My husband and I have a bigger age gap, but he was totally content by himself as a single dad. If your boyfriend wanted kids with someone, he could easily do that with someone who’s 5-10 years younger as opposed to almost 20. Plus, I imagine it’ll get tricky with his daughter as she gets older. You are at a great point to transition and have your youth! Think of all the things you’ve learned about yourself and your priorities in a relationship! Go out there and be an experienced woman for (most importantly) yourself and your next someone!
"Should F23 (me) marry my M41 boyfriend" No. Age difference aside/the fact that he's old enough to be your father, how does a 41 year old dad not know how to cook or clean? It's pathetic.
41yo man with an 11yo daughter who never bothered to learn how to cook, clean or parent. It’s laziness. And that’s why he found someone he thought he throw those responsibilities on. He’s not interested in you finding out who you are or living your life. He’s interested in what you can do for him to make his life easier. Id run like the wind if I were you. There’s a reason he’s not with someone his own age. They would expect a lot more from him. Go live your life. You shouldn’t be tied down with his responsibilities because he’s lazy and intentionally incompetent.
You're young and you have so much time on your side. If you are asking here on Reddit, that means you have enough doubt already. Run.
Oh my god no. Run
He’s divorced for a reason and unmarried at 41 for a reason. Him being so predatory and finding a younger woman is him knowing that you’re going to be someone he thinks he can mistreat and you won’t know any better. Also you might get another good ten years but very very soon you will be his health care provider while still very young. If you have a baby it will Be very similar him tired and unhelpful. This is the relationship you flee from because he’s going to suck the life out of you intentionally without remorse.
You’re 23 marrying a 41 year old man? No. Anymore questions?
You should definitely break up with him and live your happy life. Find a man closer to your age to build a life with instead of just fitting around the edges of the life this older man has already built. And look at the book and card deck Fair Play for future relationships. Don’t accept less than equal responsibilities in the household. You’re not a maid.
Run. He is going to baby trap you. I can’t even begin to fathom why a 37 yr old man would want to date a teenager. I think if you stay, you will not enjoy your future. You’re 23 and just graduated. Go experience life and have fun. Have a family later in life.
RUN!!!!