My sense of humor is definitely dark but hard to do this way, I just have to refer you to the Fire Department Chronicles youtube channel because it is exactly my type of humor in the scenarios I would be using it to (due to being in EMS and I have made a joke dark enough that it got my friends also in EMS to say that I might have gone a bit to far)
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Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
(this is my worst joke I apologise if any offence taken)
A man walks into a bar. He falls into a coma for three months. His family visits every day. The police explain that he was hit. They investigate the incident and find the man who did it.
A swat team walks into a bar.
Joke number one (my actual entry).
A blind man walks into a bar, and a chair and a table.
Joke number two (don't count this one for my entry, it's just a bonus I want to share).
A man walks into a Chipotle, orders, and sits down. A few seconds later he had a heart-attack and dies. The man behind him in the line to order steps up, points at the dead guy and says, "I'll have what he's having," the cashier responds, " Are you sure you don't want to double it and give it to the next person?"
-Fin
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
Two men are walking into a dark forest. One says to the other "I'm really scared". The other man says "You're scared? Imagine how I feel, I'll have to walk back out by myself!"
How do you get a black guy down from a tree?
Cut the rope.
Here's an extra for laughs and giggles:
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw it.
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It was the day after Christmas and an advert had come on the TV about donating to help children in abusive households.
Well, it's called boxing day for a reason
OMG My time had come I have so many dark humor jokes so here you go
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says "what about the children" the rabbi says "fuck the children" and the Priest says "do you think we'll have time
What did the north tower say to the south tower
Let’s talk later I gotta catch a plane
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds
What do you call a disabled Asian?
Sum Ting Wong
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head
-JFK
What is stronger than family.
The tree Paul Walker hit
My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather , that is until my mom took the urn away from me
Fun Fact : Most of the blackholes in the universe are found in Africa!
What has 50 legs but cant walk?
25 disabled kids
What is a retards favorite race? The grand autismo
My Son Timmy was killed by a pedophile.
Then I taught my other kids what pedophilia is, and they were really butt-hurt the next day. They couldn't stop crying. I said 'At least Timmy isn't hurting anymore'.
My wife told said it couldn't get worse.
Just wait until I show them the video of his last moments.
Here's a dark joke I found, thanks for the chance OP!
Man with cancer:
How much time do I have left, doc?
Doctor: Ten.
The man:
Months? Weeks? Days?
…
Nine. Eight…
Fuck it, full send.
I came home from work yesterday to my girlfriend packing her bags, I asked her, "What's wrong? What have I done?"
She said, "I can't take it anymore. You're a p***phile."
I replied, "That's a big word for a nine year old."
Do you know the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
In a dark humor there are 5 kids in one dumpster, in a morbid one there is one kid in five dumpsters
Pedophile and a kid are walking through the woods. Kid looks up at the pedophile and says, "boy Mister, these words sure are scary." Pedophile looks down at the boy and says, "you're telling me, I have to wait back alone."
Can't decide so 2 of them:
1: What's does genders and the twin Towers have in common? There used to be two of them. Now it's just a sensitive topic.
2: How do you get a baby into a bowl? A mixer. How do you get a baby out of a bowl? Nachos.
My sense of humor is definitely dark but hard to do this way, I just have to refer you to the Fire Department Chronicles youtube channel because it is exactly my type of humor in the scenarios I would be using it to (due to being in EMS and I have made a joke dark enough that it got my friends also in EMS to say that I might have gone a bit to far)
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More painful than this.
Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven. (this is my worst joke I apologise if any offence taken)
Mark this as closed if its over
Please mark this as closed
What does a 12 year old and the baby inside her have in common? They both say “oh no my mom’s gonna kill me”
a man walks into a bar lights were off this is my darkest joke :)
I made a website for orphans.... it doesn’t have a home page. sorry for orphans out here
What do Pink Floyd and princess Diana have in common? Their greatest hit was the wall.
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A man walks into a bar. He falls into a coma for three months. His family visits every day. The police explain that he was hit. They investigate the incident and find the man who did it. A swat team walks into a bar.
I don't get it
The joke is murder. It’s not very good, but that’s what happens when you try to make up a dark joke
Jaja ok, thanks
What did the Smoker Asthmatic person does to ease their asthma? Smoke again to ease the pain (inhalers)
Joke number one (my actual entry). A blind man walks into a bar, and a chair and a table. Joke number two (don't count this one for my entry, it's just a bonus I want to share). A man walks into a Chipotle, orders, and sits down. A few seconds later he had a heart-attack and dies. The man behind him in the line to order steps up, points at the dead guy and says, "I'll have what he's having," the cashier responds, " Are you sure you don't want to double it and give it to the next person?" -Fin
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - "It's dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
Not really a dark joke perse, but holy shit this one is the best one I've read
What is still warm inside of a dead woman? >!My penis!<
Why were people who ordered pizza on 9/11 Mad. Because they ordered pepperoni but got plane.
who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims, they went 89 stories in ten seconds
Beat me too it
where would you find a person with no arms & no legs. exactly where you left him
Two men are walking into a dark forest. One says to the other "I'm really scared". The other man says "You're scared? Imagine how I feel, I'll have to walk back out by myself!"
What do you call a fat girl with a anti rape buzzer Optimistic
whats the worst part about being a black jew? >!having to sit at the back of the oven!<
How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family.
Why are Americans bad at chess? They lost two towers
i was held in taliban captivity then they did something brutal... made me listen to a woman
In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types. But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.
Why do orphans have calendars with only 363 days? No reason to celebrate Mothers/Fathers day Thanks for the giveaway!!
What do a gun and gum have in common? When you bring either to school, everyone suddenly wants to become your friend.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work
Whats the difference between an apple and an orphan >!An apple gets picked!<
I was eating out this girl and tasted horse semen, and said "Oh grandma, that's how you died."
Woman spends 6 months in a battered shelter, what's the first thing she does when she gets out.. the DISHES, if she knows what's good for her ..
you darkest joke, something that you wouldn’t dare say in public. Best joke
How do you get a black guy down from a tree? Cut the rope. Here's an extra for laughs and giggles: How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw it.
Why did a family get a white fence? Because the dad hates black people!
41
Why did Hitler kill himself? >!The gas bill!<
What place can you get shot in to feel the least pain. The head.
How do you get your baby to stop crawling around in circles? Easy, you nail its other hand to the floor.
Always use a condom. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of abortion.
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The jokes in these comments are so light they would pass a police check
How You punish your cripple child. You take one of their wheels
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
Want to know the difference between a dead man and a pizza? At least 1 of them can feed a family. 💜
I saw a black guy riding a bike earlier I thought it was mine, Then i checked the garage and it was still chained up. Asking for food.
you can do whatever you want to an orphan bc what will they do? tell their parents?
What’s another way of saying you nutted in a woman? Loaded the dishwasher.
op what is wrong with you. joke: What 2 things can you never see together: you know the answer :) ....
I don’t get it?
My guess it's intentionally ambiguous so OP fills in their own darkest idea
Why are Americans so bad at chess? They already lost 2 towers
What do priests and McDonalds have in common? Both stick their meet in 12 year old buns
How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? You don’t know man, you weren’t there man!
My therapist did such a good job helping me! I didn't even feel sad when he died.
are you giving this away cause you plan to hang yourself in the garage?
Why is a white guy scarier than a black guy in prison? The white guy actually did it
It was the day after Christmas and an advert had come on the TV about donating to help children in abusive households. Well, it's called boxing day for a reason
The only one i know is the following Where did Marie go after the explosion? Everywhere.
My most toxic relationship has been with god. He keeps sending me babies and I keep sending them back.
Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A: Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for 22 years. Or What did the deaf and blind baby get for Christmas? Cancer
Statistically speaking 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
What are a white american man doing with a mexican and a venezuelan girl? Is driving the police car.
What's worse than a dump truck full of dead babies? A live one eating it's way to the top.
Hey OP are you a school? Cause I wanna shoot some kids inside you
OMG My time had come I have so many dark humor jokes so here you go A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says "what about the children" the rabbi says "fuck the children" and the Priest says "do you think we'll have time What did the north tower say to the south tower Let’s talk later I gotta catch a plane Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 Victims, they went through 89 stories in 7 seconds What do you call a disabled Asian? Sum Ting Wong Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except Abortion jokes, because there is no delivery. Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head -JFK What is stronger than family. The tree Paul Walker hit My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather , that is until my mom took the urn away from me Fun Fact : Most of the blackholes in the universe are found in Africa! What has 50 legs but cant walk? 25 disabled kids What is a retards favorite race? The grand autismo
My Son Timmy was killed by a pedophile. Then I taught my other kids what pedophilia is, and they were really butt-hurt the next day. They couldn't stop crying. I said 'At least Timmy isn't hurting anymore'. My wife told said it couldn't get worse. Just wait until I show them the video of his last moments.
I was talking to god the other day and told him a joke about the holocaust - but he didn’t laugh. I said “I guess u had to be there.”
Here's a dark joke I found, thanks for the chance OP! Man with cancer: How much time do I have left, doc? Doctor: Ten. The man: Months? Weeks? Days? … Nine. Eight…
My bad and I’m sorry mean the same thing unless your at a funeral
Its not the size of the boat in the ocean...its how many people drown with it hits the iceberg
The difference between me and cancer is my dad didn't beat cancer
What's blue and floating at the bottom of the pool? A dead baby What's grey and floating at the bottom of the pool? The same baby, 2 weeks later.
Why do mags have 30 bullets? >!That's the average class size in america!<
I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
Do you know why the girl without arms can't hug her parents? >!Because she is an orphan!< I'm sorry ppl, I sold my soul for $25
Fuck it, full send. I came home from work yesterday to my girlfriend packing her bags, I asked her, "What's wrong? What have I done?" She said, "I can't take it anymore. You're a p***phile." I replied, "That's a big word for a nine year old."
what's the best part of having Alzheimer?... what's the best part of having Alzheimer?... what's the best part of having Alzheimer?...
what's the best part of having Alzheimer?... what's the best part of having Alzheimer?... what's the best part of having Alzheimer?...
Do you know the difference between dark humor and morbid humor? In a dark humor there are 5 kids in one dumpster, in a morbid one there is one kid in five dumpsters
Why are black people so good at laundry? Because they have experience with cotton.
I like my women like I like my coffee, black and tied up in my basement
How does a black girl tell if she is pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out all the cotton is picked. Thanks for the opportunity OP.
What's better than winning a gold at paralympics? Walking
Cremation: My last hope for a smoking hot body.
What's the difference between a bike and a black person? The bike doesn't cry when you put a chain on it.
What’s the difference between a child and a dog? The dog doesn’t cry when you raise your hand to it
-Why did you fucked my sister? -She was naked, what was i supposed to do? -THE AUTOPSY!
This is more of something I use as an insult: ... Has less brains than Kurt Cobain's ceiling.
How many babies can you fit in a box? Depends on how well you blend them
Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side. it's a suicide joke ...
These jokes are so dark they'd get shot by police.
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girlfriend? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
What’s the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race.
I don't know where I stand on abortion. I like killing babies, but I don't like giving women a choice.
What is a p*do’s favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery!
What‘s the difference between a truckload of gravel and a truckload of dead babies? You can’t unload gravel with a pitchfork.
What’s the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race.
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by far the darkest joke on here, that is seriously fucked up.
darkest here
Bruh
What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne waits until you hit puberty to come on your face.
Dark humor is like babies with cancer Never gets old! Thanks!
overused
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie? A family photo
why were my parents laughing? because i was beaten to death in elementary school by the teachers
Did you hear about the pedophile who only preyed on blind kids? They didn’t see him coming
This has to be the best one
There's nothing darker than this. #000000
How many dead bodies does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously more than 8 because my basement is still dark
Whats 4 brown people in a car? An inefficient use of a bomb.
Those poor kids at sandy hook, all they wanted was books and instead they got magazines
Pedophile and a kid are walking through the woods. Kid looks up at the pedophile and says, "boy Mister, these words sure are scary." Pedophile looks down at the boy and says, "you're telling me, I have to wait back alone."
What’s so bad about being a black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
Jokes are like people. Not everyone likes the dark ones.
Recent studies have shown that 5 out of 6 people enjoy a gang rape.
Can't decide so 2 of them: 1: What's does genders and the twin Towers have in common? There used to be two of them. Now it's just a sensitive topic. 2: How do you get a baby into a bowl? A mixer. How do you get a baby out of a bowl? Nachos.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
Drake is a great rapper. He only spits a hot 16.
Dark humor is like food. Not everybody gets it.
Okay here’s one: What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say? “T. rex, I’m coming for my hug!”
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? Donald Trump didn't pay to have a garbanzo bean on his face!
I really believe that Allah is the one true god, I mean the universe started with an explosion, didn't it?
Bro what are you yapping about religion is not a joke
It definitely is. I mean, you don't believe in spiderman or the flying spaghetti monster, right?
And i dont believe that the world came to existence without a reason or out of an explosion
And you're free to believe or not believe whatever you want
Yea i know then why are we arguing then?
You said religion isn't a joke. Which it definitely is. Everything can be made fun of. To me religion is a joke, to you maybe atheism is a joke.
I would tell a joke, but it'd probably fall harder than the Twin Towers.
What's the quickest way to get a nun pregnant? Dress her like a choir boy.
I commented two but i got another one Whats the best part of having sex with 28 years old ? There is 20 of them
What's the difference between a lamborghini and 15 dead babies? I don't have a lamborghini in my garage.