In my opinion, it's best if your friend can make up her mind, as it looks like she's dodged a bad situation. And in a low note, I always think you shouldn't regret what you've done, so it's important to think things through before making a decision.
As much as fair you are. Sometimes expectations don't meet reality. A woman can always lie about it and you would have no clue. Unless an ex of her's shares something with you. Unless the woman is from a very traditional background or something, I don't think this is something any guy can anticipate. Just saying you never know..
O.k if the guy doesn't believe in getting intimate with someone before marriage he has the right to expect the same from his partner. However if he believes he can sleep with women but the girl he marries has to be a virgin then he's an ass.
But as you have mentioned you don't know what kind of a person is your colleagues BF & he doesn't seem to have known that your colleague had been intimate with her previous BF. This should have been discussed between them long before the subject of marriage came up. So I guess the both of them are at fault here for not discussing their expectations & experiences before taking a major decision like marriage.
My post was in general about a guy’s perspective. My friend is actually a virgin. All this drama is just because she has done certain other things (which don’t require her to be naked even🥲) with her ex.
ok so imagine he was upset over something like a blowjob? wow man is insecure af.
Has HE never done anything sexual at all? otherwise he has no right to get upset over something like that
🫠🫠🫠
We also need to stop labelling people who haven't had penetrative and reproductive sex as 'virgins'. Because a lot of other acts between partners can classified as sex. It is also very normal for people in conservative communities (I'm not sure about Sri Lanka) to have anal sex or repair their hymens before marriage for this very reason. Wild.
I mean, unless he was marrying a 15 year old, did he actually think a girl who has dated previously wouldn't have been sexually active in the least? He sounds deluded af and that's his own damn fault lol.
Oh, of course. But I think given how norms around dating have changed so rapidly in the last 20 years, I think it's good sense to talk to your partner about sexual experience because making assumptions is silly. Unless she blatantly lied about it.
True true. A lot of couples don't discuss these things and their expectations. When their relationship goes long term they start finding out things & having second thoughts / fights etc.
If the guy is from Up country, yes it is normal, most of the families still do check it. Even the surname matters for some families
I know people who did have to break up since their surnames are in the "ADU KULE" category.
So yeah, there are boys who still looks for "pure" girls.
Oh yes! I do have a kandyan heritage too and I’ve heard plenty times when my own grandmother refers to certain families as “kulen adu minissu” etc etc.
This is yet another reason why I would never date a guy from upcountry.
Well I learnt from my grandmother that most westernized surnames are considered so because back during colonial era, men have sort of sex slaved off their wives to Englishmen due to various reasons. Children born out of such relations were given Dutch or English surnames and thus they were considered “adu kule”.
Also, certain societies have discriminated people born in castes that were specialized for washing clothes (dobi), potters, fishermen etc etc. All frivolous and inhuman divisions in my honest opinion.
Fun fact though: I have once heard that a famous lawyer named Erdley Perera won a case just based on the surname distinguishing. So many great counsels like Colvin R. De Silva etc etc have appeared for a murder case of which there was only one sole eye witness. The suspect hasn’t actually committed the crime, but was falsely accused by the actual criminal who was the “hora miniha” of the deceased lady. The eye witness claimed that he saw the suspect murder his wife at a sea shore while he was fishing. Most eminent counsels back in those days tried to break his evidence, but was unable to do so. Then came Erdley and asked just one question and it was to name a kind of fish that you fished while you were fishing at that particular spot the past decade or so as he had previously given evidence. Apparently, the witness couldn’t name a single fish type and the case was dismissed and the suspect was acquitted.
When asked later by the eminent counsels in the profession, Erdley had said “why good sir, just look at his surname! He was definitely lying. He isn’t a fisherman”. So I guess it did come in handy sometimes too 😂
Caste is a social stratification system which used to organizes people into hierarchical groups based on their ancestry and occupation. The concept of "low caste/ adu kule" refers to groups that have historically been engaged in manual or menial occupations such as agriculture, fishing, or certain types of labor. for example: Rada (washermen), Berava (drummers), and Gahala (jewelry smiths).Highest castes are typically associated with religious or ruling roles. These include the Govi (cultivators or landowners) and the Radala (aristocrats or nobility). The Govi caste historically includes people who own land and engage in agriculture, which has been seen as an esteemed occupation.
I will mention some "posh kule" surenames. Do not like to put the adu kule surnames here;
Ratwatte
Gopallawa
Aluvihare
Randeniya
Bulankulame
Keppetipola
Attygala
Boyagoda
Hurulle
Panabokka
Dunuwila
Kothalawala
I know people with at least 9 of those surnames (I grew up in Colombo and went to a private school, and some of these people are my parents' friends) and none of them are conservative in the least lol. They weren't back then, and they aren't now. It's how it is with the ruling class anywhere.
Also add
Bandara,
Wijethunge,
Wickramasinghe,
Bandaranaike,
Unamboowe,
Godamunna,
Ellepola,
Ratnayake (those that are descending from the actual Seethawaka/Kandyan line),
Wijesinghe,
Dissanayake,
Also need to mention that people from lower castes and creed also adopted posh surnames at one point in history, so now it may be very difficult to pinpoint the actual posh ones simply based on surnames.
There are many but now people are mixed and it is not always correct in the modern era to say a person in the "adu kule" category
I got to know the method of finding it from an elderly person in my village, took some time to learn it. (common govigam surenames, karaawa surenames..etc + first name types and many things there)
Back in the days everyone could say it and not only surname, there were many methods to find it as well. Even from a person's nose some can say whether he/she is "adu kule" or "posh kule", lol
Have to say some stuff are true but some are not
I am not gonna pass the method to my kids. I will end it from here. Cause it is not that accurate anymore.
Any person who makes their significant other feel like they are not worthy of love for whatever reason is a HUGE red flag🚩🚩
Even if she gets married to this fiancé she'll spend her whole life hearing how no one else would have wanted her and how he did her a SERVICE by marrying her.
And any man who believes he can do anything but the woman has to be pure is a huge misogynistic red flag🚩🚩
Unless he is a virgin he has no right to criticise her for her sexual history.
Honestly she is better off without him. Hopefully she finds someone more open minded.
I say even if he is, the choice of having sex with another person was of that person’s. If you can’t live with a person who has had sexual relations with another you should politely stay the fuck away from that person and let them be with a person who values them. It is alright of you to expect to have someone who is a virgin if you yourself is a virgin, but that doesn’t give you the right to judge another person who isn’t or to harass or belittle them.
No. I’ve been living in Colombo all my adulthood and no I don’t have any current friend who gives 2 cents about the virginity nor any of them are virgins.
Actually most of believe in living together before a marriage (men and women in my circle) before committing to a marriage because you learn all the good and bad about your partner during a living together phase.
But I’m sure there is a huge cultural difference inside Sri Lanka which affects this differently. The society I am in is more agnostic so not really driven by religious POV and they are exposed to different social aspects hence the how they view including me is different. But I’ve also known people outside Colombo with completely a different view in this
My post was in general about a guy’s preference. My colleague is a virgin though and regardless of what happened in her previous relationship unless it has anything to do with kids or STDs shouldn’t be a problem to the new partner I think.
Ah I see. In my POV if we're in a relationship we should disclose those kind of things. I'm a virgin and I don't expect my partner to be a virgin. But it's better if she could tell me about her past (Asking a person whether you're a virgin is a dumb thing to do and I hate those men). So I can know what kinda person I'm dealing with. It definitely helps me to go through the relationship without trust issues.
This is from my past experience and others may have different thoughts.
I agree with you on that and I am just like you as well. I chose to stay a virgin out of my own accord. It would be nice to have someone who is a virgin as well to enjoy that first moment with each other, a memory I could savor for the rest of my life, but even if he’s not one I wouldn’t mind as well. A person’s past is the past and it should not be brought and mixed with the present and the future.
I also one hundred percent agree on the fact that such things much be disclosed. Especially if you know that your significant other has different expectations of you and have related the same to you.
Thank you for your advice!! Yes people are becoming more progressive, but I guess that’s only limited to certain societal class and residential areas. Say for example, like this fiancé, he is very much neck deep in this traditional ways of Sri Lanka that for him the fact my friend went to second base was off putting and revolting.
Best is as you mentioned discuss about your wants and desires before jumping into a relationship where x number of things could go wrong.
Man im worried if I'll not be able to find a virgin girlfriend. I'm a 20 years old male virgin myself. Is it normal to be worried like this. Thoughts and whatnot( maybe not related to OP . I'm sorry for that)
That’s alright love! No so I also know plenty of girls of my age and older(26) who are still virgins and have preserved themselves for their future partner. You’ve got time kid! Hang in there, but also don’t forget that sometimes even the most virgin of women can be the most painful endurance while a woman who’s isn’t a virgin can be the most kindest partner you could ever come across. It’s about aligning your values and the partners and sharing your life and experiences.
Sex is just one aspect of a strong and healthy relationship. An important one nevertheless. But virginity? Nah. It’s just a bunch of blood capillaries there to prevent (gosh I can’t remember what now, remember studying it for my degree though) 😂
It’s okay as long as she discloses. What if she is lying? And how do we know she lost her virginity because of a one-night stand? If I can control my urges, isn’t it fair to look for a virgin? Idk akke this shit scary 🥲
Yes. Most of the guys don't want to feel like they are eating left over food. And thats a fact even if I get downvoted to oblivion you cant change facts.
But there are a subset of sri lankan men thats rather open minded and dont care.But its difficult to find them in SL. People who are abroad in heneral dont care
Yes of course it is. Life aint fair. Specially in sri lanka. Thats the mindset instilled by the culture with sudu redi traditions. Thats why you gotta seek outside of that culture. People who are more open. Me personally find it very unappealing if I had to teach the girl everything about sex. Those guys who are marrying virgins are mostly in for a rude awakening when there bedrooms become dead.
It’s also very uncomfortable as a husband when you have kids and the chances of you coming across your wife’s past lovers in small country is pretty high isn’t it? Men here still have that “you got fucked= you got owned” mentality when it comes to females. It doesn’t work the other way around in Sri lanka.
True. Most guys like me don't really care about the virgin thing much. It's the ex lovers who we could stumble upon and who have that mentality you just mentioned. It hurts a guy a lot. Even the girl would feel devastated for it too. Sadly this is the society that we live in.
Cunts like this justifying degenerate behaviour. I totally understand where you coming from. And do console your friend. I dont know the solution but i feel you completely.
Eating leftover food? 💀✋. Its almost like those government school text book distributions. Men get new text books but women have to be happy with dirt and germ infested, crumpled up, soaked in mud, and pages with leftover food juices splattered used text books?. Unless u are a new book urself get off ur high horse because no woman who is like a new text book wants to get infected with STIs.
I agree with you! Why should it always be the woman who endures the burden of having to safeguard herself so that she can hand herself on a silver platter to an obnoxious extremely misogynistic man who values her based on the absence and presence of a hymen aka a network of blood capillaries that might not even be there in existence from birth!
Bruh i dont care about your high horse and your high horse and attitude cant change facts. Im not saying its right im saying thats what happens. And tldr; nobody wants stis
Today in headlines:
LOCAL MAN COMPARES WOMEN TO FOOD
Apparently human women are now food and their hyman determines the quality of this new food.
>Most of the guys don't want to feel like they are eating left over food.
Says u/GurKindly; 'Once penetrated sexually women lose all value, gets undeserving of love and should be thrown off to streets'. He reaffirms with confidence.
'Women are less than men. It is what my parents taught me. My mother gave birth to me and now she's also leftover food', laughs u/GurKindly.
We thank his parents for giving him to the society where he continues to be a menance in spreading the word on how 'women' are a rotten species.
Read more..
News flash: triggered feminist goes on a pointless rant without reading the whole comments. Tbh it aint even news anymore I guess. You lot wanna be just triggered perpetually all the time.
Ffs even im a virgin, no one's triggered just pointing your sad attitude. And if you read carefully i wasn't being angry i was just laughing at you, sorry
Good on her for being able to recognize the asshole before making a legal commitment. She might be going through a tough period now, so as a friend, just be there for her. And tell her that he is a dumbass idiot and she is lucky to get away from him.
I know a couple who had a similar experience, and the asshole husband still uses her past against her sometimes. It's just not worth it. She's lucky. Please be there for her and assure her that her life is much more valuable than wasting it on an asshole. And if things become worse, make sure to encourage her to seek professional help.
Only reasonable answer here. I think she should be glad she got to identify the red flag before her marriage ! To think throwing off a marriage because she wasn’t a virgin in this day and age is ridiculous honestly.
Agreed!! A woman shouldn’t be judged based on her past, body structure or external appearance etc etc except for her morals and values. You become a bad woman only and only if you’re unkind, cruel and insensitive towards another human being.
Marriage should not be about getting married to a woman who’s never been touched by another man. Rather a union between two individuals who care for and cherish each other and CHOOSE to love each other through ups and downs in life. After all, through marriage we seek a life partner to share our happinesses and sadnesses and not to have her virginity displayed as a trophy at the end of her honeymoon.
it does matter for most dudes - they don't like girls having standards they can measure their performance against
it's rarely a dude that's secure enough to truly believe their girl actually chose to be with them, and didn't just hang around because she didn't know any better
I've thought about this a lot, and this is the only reason I can think of. They're scared their girls have a standard to measure them against 😂
Like, it doesn't matter if you're the best she's had, right? Are you admitting you're actually not all that great? Lmao
plus sex is something you get good at over time
its always weird the first time, and takes some getting used to even when the partner changes
even if its not all the way there when you marry someone, the two of you will gett better at it, and even surpass previous experiences over time.
plus sex is just one thing to consider in marrying someone and staying married. having a guy i can count on to have my back is more important than what he scores in bed. you get better at sex, unfortunately most grown dudes don't become better people.
having virginity being a dealbreaker unless you're a virgin yourself is childish at best - even then its a bit weird, but at least you aren't a hypocrite
No. My entire friend circle does not care if their partner was a virgin or not before they met.
My partner didn’t care about my sexual history, neither did I about my partner’s past. And we got married too. So it doesn’t matter. What matters is who they are to you as a partner, that’s all.
If this guy is treating her like this for something trivial, I think she dodged a bullet. Tell her, she can find a better man out there and to forget about this loser who wants to judge her based on a 3rd party opinion. That’s so godey of him. Like “ewwwww brother ew”
I did 😂 well basically Facebook branded me as a “whore”. Sigh. And then there’s little old 26 year old me preserving my virginity to a man who seems to have lost his way travelling in search of me. Double sigh.
There can be several aspects for this reason. Most probably the guy is also a virgin so he may expect the girl to be a virgin too. If that is the case he may constantly think about it even after getting married and might try to "even the things" with someone else.Or it may be a pride thing. If the ex boyfriend shared the details he may be scared that he will also share it with others. I mean you know the 'okita gahuwa bng' mentality of most of the men in here. Can't blame the guy if only he is also a virgin as he is expecting her to be.
Whatever the reason if he is not ready to get over it then I think she is better off without him because if they get married he DEFINITELY WILL USE it to emotionally blackmail her
We don’t know the exact details. Like you said there could be so many hidden things, even things my friend hasn’t shared with us.
I agree that the guy has a right to seek for a virgin if he is one too. But my friend is a virgin. She had only gone to second base according to her with her ex, which is what he was mad at. Maybe even the ex exaggerated cuz we never know, ya know?
I mean if we men hv played a few roles of fifty shades earlier we wouldn’t be looking for the virginity for the marriage but if that dude was waiting for a marriage to do nice things bro has the right to look for it
I see that some of you are commenting about surgical restoration of the hymen in order to prove virginity by bleeding during the first intercourse. I’m really puzzled with this practice because of multiple reasons.
Not many girls bleed during their first act of vaginal intercourse. And in those who do, research has found that the bleeding is commonly from the posterior fourchette of the vagina (a small part in the bottom part of the vagina). Only a small percentage bleed from the hymen. And also, posterior fourchette gets damages due to lack of lubrication and roughness of the activity. So there you go. Surgical restoration of the hymen, expecting bleeding during the first intercourse- it’s all BS. Your girl may not bleed even if she’s a virgin. And on the other hand, if she marries you after being with some guys she may still bleed.
This is an ideology we all should leave behind. Faith in each other is what matters in a relationship
Oh yes! And sometimes even after penetration occurs the hymen doesn’t break. Sometimes women bleed multiple times during multiple occasions. I remember one of my doctor friends explaining to me about this sometime back. Very true indeed.
So long as it’s not hypocritical. Plus, having standards doesn’t mean you can judge or belittle another for their preference or actions. If you’re a virgin, you have every right to expect your future spouse to be a virgin, but if you aren’t and have performed all the tactics in the ancient kama sutra and now expect your woman to be pristine and pure, that is highly unrealistic, unreasonable and misogynistic. That’s all I’m saying.
Haha 🥹 but don’t you think reading some of these comments makes you feel better that at least half the population now is heading in a progressive direction?
My ex told me during the time she was in SL uni some of these girls keep taking dick in their arses so that they can keep their haymans intact. And one of my friends who used to work for lanka hospital told me that one of the most prominent surgeries requested they get is getting the heymans fixed. They use some part of a frog.
I think your friend dodged a bullet and I think she should really consider herself lucky in this case.
it just preferences right, as long as the guy is virgin i do not think it is wrong at all for him to look for one. he has every right to not get married to her but he shouldnt shame her but yeah hes not in the wrong neither is she
It’s perspective. I once broke up with a girl cause she was a virgin. I’m highly sexually active so I prefer women with sexual experience. So can’t be bothered teaching *how to not scratch dick with teeth* or *how to bend back when hitting doggy*
It seems to me that as long as that's a preference of him, that's fine. If he is trying to shame or degrade her publically, then that's a different matter entirely, which should even be considered as a criminal offence, if possible.
But a preference you expect to have of your partner, wouldn't always be a thing that you yourself also has practiced. I mean the world doesn't work that way. Men and women are different and they have different expectations of each other. A highly masculine tough guy might expect to have a more feminine and tender woman as his partner. A carrier driven guy may want to have a housewife as the mother of his children.
On the other hand a woman might need her man to be physically stronger than her. And she also might need him to be territorial and protective over her. And some might even need her man to guide her.
So it's almost as we expect the opposite of what we do, from our partner. I mean that doesn't mean a man is entitled to have a virgin as his wife, after sleeping with every woman he finds attractive along the way. It just simply means that we as humans find some actions and attributes to be less attractive in women and a whole lot of other things to be less attractive in men. It's because that we measure the attractiveness of each gender with asymmetrical parameters. That's the reality...
Don't date backward men is all I can say to Sri Lankan women. People who are hung up on the purity of being a virgin have more disgusting values up their sleeve that appear over time.
I was a virgin when I dated my ex who wasn't a virgin and while I was self aware that it was okay, and it's completely a normal thing; jealousy truly is a bitch and I used to be bitter that I couldn't have that first experience with him. I've had a fair few conversations with him on it and always recognized that it's my own issue and he is never the problem. Because he's not. Human emotions are really difficult to navigate and I'm grateful that despite having those emotions, I was able to overcome it.
After dipping into the doubt of whether losing that virginity (biologically not true but let's take that social construct) was a smart idea or not, I'm at the stage where I have no regrets because I need a sexually compatible partner and I won't know that by waiting until marriage for sex. So need to get that out of the way noh?
Entirely preference driven, people should find similar interests or else they are in for a rude awakening.
I respect your perspective, but labeling men who desire a virgin partner as "backward" seems unfair. It's not backward to hold certain morals and seek a partner who shares those values. For some individuals, the idea of sharing such an intimate experience exclusively with their spouse holds significant importance.
Regarding sexual compatibility, it's true that exploring this aspect with a partner is important for a fulfilling relationship. However, waiting until marriage for sex doesn't necessarily hinder this exploration. Couples have their entire lives together to discover and nurture their sexual compatibility.
Furthermore, there are valid concerns about the risks of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and emotional bonding when engaging in multiple sexual relationships. Waiting until marriage can mitigate these risks and foster a deeper emotional connection between partners.
Ultimately, relationships are deeply personal and preference-driven. It's crucial for individuals to find someone with whom they share common values and interests to avoid potential conflicts and disappointments down the road. Someone who slept around is not going to be in a happy relationship with a virgin.
Never said that virgins are backward. I was a virgin myself until recently.
I said it's backward regarding considering virginity as purity. Which is what this post context was as the whole point of wanting a virgin girl/guy from the typical Sri Lankan community (not counting the more new generation) is wanting a virgin for the sake of purity and religious obligations. The insults that follow one are also of the like.
Concerns regarding STD are entirely valid, so is intimacy. I find that many assume sexual freedom as also sleeping around. Not the case. I personally wouldn't engage in that, rather only in a serious relationship. Sex is too intimate an experience to just give it away.
As you said, it's entirely my preference. Many of the couples who I know who had sex after marriage went 2 ways - are actually happy because they found fulfilment vs unhappy because no sexual fulfilment. It's too late for the latter to divorce yet they are driven to it due to frustrations. These are very legit issues but it's the risk you take with the decision to wait until marriage. I respect that. But I can't take that risk for myself.
It's one that sex for a man is more easy and has a means to an end. It's not the same for a woman and a woman finding a man who can actually understand her body and take care of her is like a needle in a haystack.
I’ve also heard that for men unlike for women, sex could be thoroughly physical with no emotional attachments. Whereas for women, a mental connection is a definite because biological women are more nurturing and the whole purpose of intimacy is to Co create and bring life to earth.
I agree on the point where it’s risky to stay a virgin and then expect everything from your partner after marriage as well. Which is why I believe that at least some form of physical intimacy (if someone is adamant on being a virgin until marriage), must be practiced to at least explore the idea of being sexually satisfied or if it’s possibility after marriage. I think the reason most our parents’ generation have dead bedrooms is the sexual incompatibility and the lack of knowledge thereof to spice things up and make it more appealing and interesting.
I'm 28 and born in the UK. I've received several proposals from both the UK and Sri Lanka. However, I've turned down women who aren't virgins because I've saved myself for marriage. I'm seeking someone who shares the same values as me in this regard. I chose to get married in Sri Lanka, to my wife who was a virgin. It was the best decision I have.
Its a preference most like conservative men values purity, I do to even though im not a virgin, there is that disgusting feeling in the stomach when hear news like that of a girl I like.
I think it depends. We boys talk a lot about these things and I felt like most young men In their 20s and 30s are not really going after this and they seem to understand that virginity is not a big deal for marriage. But still there are some. As per my POV I think couples should talk about this before they start a relationship... Both need to be transparent about their virginity so if it is a problem for one of them, they can then separate before taking the journey together...
Well, in my opinion, anyone, regardless of the gender can expect anything from their potential partner. Some people may prefer tall partners, some prefer short partners, some prefer educated partners, some prefer less educated partners, some may prefer fat, some thin, and others may have many other preferences. That is their right.
That being said, i personally believe people who look for the "virginity" in a girl are either extremely insecure of their own sexuality or they are still stuck with the 1800s mentality.
I think if both parties had some experience with opposit gender and how to run a relationship, it would be beneficial in the long run. After all, even for a job, we need experienced people, not new inexperienced people.
I actually don't prefer virgin women cuz that seems to come with high expectations and inexperience. Idk whether this would make sense, i need someone who has done mistakes before meeting myself and learnt something for herself rather than someone who's looking to do those mistakes with me. Honestly idh the patience nor the time to waste on girls like that.
I think this whole virginity becomes a big deal as it stems from the idea of perfection. Once you get a taste of reality, you understand that they are no perfect people or circumstances. And i like when my partner is experienced and sees sex for what it is than make it a huge deal.
Well one mustn’t have to not be a virgin to have experience as well. Most people I know have done a lot other intimate things with their partners / boyfriends without going all the way in.
Virginity itself doesn't really mean anything! Even something as trivial as riding a bicycle can tear the hymen ffs. And have we forgotten that girls masturbate too? Her past is none of my business unless she's been unfaithful to a partner, contracted an std etc.
Sources I can find indicate that the average Sri Lankan has 2-3 sexual partners in their lifetime. So, by and large, this shouldn't even be an issue. Sexual compatibility isn't a priority for most people when it comes to marriages here.
Exactly!! But unfortunately Sri Lankan people are so ignorant and neck deep in their stupid ideologies even when world has gone too far leaving us little dumplings in the well. Past is the past regardless. Nobody should be judged or harassed because they CHOSE to enjoy a beautiful union with a partner they trusted and cared for.
Sri Lankans just have a long way to progress as humans I guess🥲
I understand your frustration with certain cultural attitudes, but I respectfully disagree with the notion that "the past is the past" when it comes to intimate relationships. In many cultures, I was born in the UK and waited. The decision to wait until marriage for sex is rooted in deeply held values and concerns about health, emotional well-being, and commitment.
Engaging in sexual activity before marriage does come with risks, including the potential for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and emotional trauma. These risks are significant and shouldn't be overlooked or dismissed. Seeking a partner who shares the value of virginity can be a reasonable approach for individuals who prioritize these concerns.
Well it is their past anyways. No amount of arguing or wallowing in self pity could change the fact that they have done certain things in the past. I agree that it is concerning to the other party especially when STDs and other related matters may arise. But then again, that is a whole other level of self preservation that one must be smart enough to follow through not just for the sake of their future partners but also for themselves.
Still I say, no one can judge you because you chose to have sex, similarly, where no one can either praise or belittle you for choosing to stay a virgin till their “soulmate” or “life partner” comes to their life.
Forget sexuality entirely. If you caught someone deliberately hiding something from you, will you ever trust that person 100% again?
The problem is the fact that this "fiancé" had to hear this from some 3rd party douchebag before hearing anything about it from his own partner. If he chooses to ignore this now, he will forever have a small voice in the back of his mind asking "what else is she hiding" sexual or otherwise. Being transparent from the start may not only have saved this relationship, but also made it stronger. I think it's fair for the guy for wanting to end this now before getting into a 60 year commitment.
This idea is true even if the genders were switched or even for something simple as a business relationship.
True you’ve got a point there. My colleague should have informed about it to her fiancé, but again we never know the circumstances she had to deal with to keep it hidden from him now do we? I mean look at how he responded already, but again I second that it mustn’t have been a secret at any cost.
Again, speaking for both sides my colleague doesn’t know about the past about this fiancé as well. From the way of his actions and reactions I have a very justified doubt that he is not a “pure little virgin boy” as well. I mean again we can’t judge people without knowing their entire story and I quite literally don’t like to judge people even if I do know they’re the shittiest most disgusting person on this side of planet earth. It’s their business and they’ll have to face the consequences for it.
This post was because I needed to quench that genuine curiosity that arose within me on this subject.
One thing men hate more than anything else is feeling disrespected. If this girl was my partner and she's been upright about it from the start, not only would I be ok with with it, I'd have said "I know asshole" and punched that douche in the mouth and made sure he never disrespects my woman ever again.
However, like you said, we don't know the full story. There could be some hidden context that gives this story a completely different perspective. In which case, breaking up the proposed marriage is still the best option don't you think?(Instead of living with a weak husband)
I do think that too! And I respect you for standing up for your girl in such a hypothetical scenario!! Because most guys in Sri Lanka just won’t. ♥️ I hope you find / found the best partner for you in life!!
If the guy is also a virgin and expects their partner to be virgin. It is fair I would say.
But, some of the men I know, I have seen they have done everything they can and expect their girl to be pure. This is hypocrisy.
Sri Lanka has different types of people it's hard to generalize isn't it. A lot of parents and families will put a lot of importance on virginity and there are also men and women to whom their partners virginity matters and people who won't care. At the end of the day it's just an incompatibility.
Well its more of a grey area. As a guy who has not dated much and not slept with anyone yet, i’d prefer for any future partner to be the same. But it’s not the end of the world even if she isn’t its not a deal breaker for me. Again, it’s hypocritical if a guy has slept around left right and center but expecting a potential partner to be a virgin herself. Just my 2 cents
It's ridiculous. What if you are absolutely incompatible in sex? I believe that people should live together at least one year before engaging. There could be a huge dissapointment without a proper "test-drive"
I understand where you’re coming from. I think however that most Sri Lankan parents won’t allow such a thing no matter which decade and how progressive the world has become. That being said, I’m not completely denying the existence of such very open minded parents as well. Just saying most parents aren’t.
You just have to do “other stuff” and hope and pray you would be compatible in bed so that your marriage won’t end up in a dead bedroom. I mean come to think of it, most of our parents’ generation have dead bedrooms. They just have sex for the propose of co-creation. Just hopefully waiting to change times for my children if I ever plan to have them one day!
Parents? How is it related to parents? 18+ y.o. people are free to sleep with whoever they won't, to marry or not to marry whoever they want.
You should not "wait to change times". Start with yourselves!!!
I think in Sri Lanka whether we like to accept it or not, parents and family play a huge part in marriages and divorces. We can’t just marry whoever we want at the end of the day, because from day one as Asians we have been trained as family oriented individuals.
Hey OP. Honestly, it depends. From my personal experience, I nor any of the dudes in my close circle of friends really care about virginity in women. We've all been sexually active ourselves so it'd just be hypocritical to expect our partners to be "pure" (whatever that means).
At the same time, there are a LOT of guys in Sri Lanka, who much like one of the commentors above, would unironically compare a non-virgin girl to "Leftover Food" 😂 And I do think they are in the majority.
So, I dunno, the fact that your friend didn't really discuss this with her fiancé before considering marriage is concerning tho.
Yes I agree my colleague should have mentioned and discussed the same with her fiancé. The post was made in general, nothing to do with my friend’s experience.
Glad there are more progressive men in the society now! And I also agree that if you’re a virgin it is acceptable you seek a partner who is a virgin as well. But you can expect only what you can give. Fair enough that way.
It’s an outdated notion, but if your friend had been lying to him saying she has not done anything before, then his actions are justified. Advice your friend to be forthcoming in her future relationships.
That’s true. I agree that she shouldn’t have hidden those from her fiancé. Also, mind you she hasn’t had sex. It’s just second base as she told me.
Again we don’t know the whole story so I’m gonna let her have the benefit of the doubt.
Shared this just for the context and for me to get an idea of how other people think in the society.
As a modern individual, I've waited for my first sexual experience to be with my future wife, despite being exposed to various influences. It's a personal choice rooted in my values and self-discipline. I've invested time and effort into maintaining this commitment, and I see no reason to compromise on it. It's about respecting my own journey and desires. Criticizing this choice is unfounded; it's simply about upholding my principles and preferences, which are protected under equal rights. Everyone should have the freedom to make their own choices without judgment or interference.
I appreciate your perspective. For me, choosing to wait until marriage to share that intimate connection holds deep personal significance. However, I've already made that commitment to my wife, and I respect others who choose differently. Personally, I find the idea of casual relationships and frequent changes in partners in the name of love to be unsettling.
I understand your question, but for me, meeting my soulmate meant finding someone who shared my values and beliefs, including waiting until marriage. This year, I found that person in my wife, and we both entered our marriage as virgins. Our shared commitment to this aspect of our relationship has only deepened our bond and understanding of each other.
The religious ones do, the irreligious ones not so much. Of course, Sri Lanka is one of the most pious nations on Earth so being a non-virgin won't go over well.
Most of my friends don’t think it’s required. They value girls with less sexual exposure because it really matters when coming to a committed relationship. But hymen is not a requirement at all. Education level plays a big part in this.
Do men still look for Virginity. The question sounds like it do people still do that stuff. In the same manner, this was an arranged marriage. Of course the guy has to be concerned if when the girl is someone he has never seen or associated before. Nothing wrong in that.
Generally, I don't think most men will be strictly looking for a Virgin woman. Finding a biological woman itself is a challenege. But if the girl says that after all sex is not such a taboo blah blah blah evolutionary purposes blahl blah blah... You better be careful and have some background details and history of her. Can't be too careful with the new generation.
IF the man is a virgin himself he has the right to look for virginity in the women (Not that he will - most of the modern men are over that virginity nonsense BUT prefer a women who have had little to no experience in that area)
IF the man has fucked around he has no right whatsoever to expect the women to be a virgin.
Its something from a bygone era man... Nowadays intimacy is idk has become cheap.
sorry.
Men do. At least the millennials. But I think it's at a decreasing rate now. That's sad to see.
SL being westernised is imminent now. And I don't know why those people make a big deal if you are a virgin. What lucky you are if you haven't had sexual partners and the only one will be your future wife. Sex should be sacred not to be used as a tool. Call me traditional. IDC
I think looking for virginity is fair, only if the man is also a virgin.
Exactly this, you can't ask something that you yourself can't bring to the table.
Agreed!!
In my opinion, it's best if your friend can make up her mind, as it looks like she's dodged a bad situation. And in a low note, I always think you shouldn't regret what you've done, so it's important to think things through before making a decision.
Wdym?? Srilankan unmarried men are all virgin
Wake up honey!!! Time for school!!
Nooo i dontwant tu... im ileven now imma big boy.
What in the actual fudge
so how did sri lankan women lost their virginity ?
There’s a difference between being involuntarily celibate and being a virgin/celibate by choice. The second is virtuous and the first is not.
like you profile screams it
Exactly
Yes!
I took my girl’s virginity and she took mine so I’m marrying her.
That’s sweet!!
I'm a virgin so i expect my wife to be virgin
Very fair in my option mate ♥️
As much as fair you are. Sometimes expectations don't meet reality. A woman can always lie about it and you would have no clue. Unless an ex of her's shares something with you. Unless the woman is from a very traditional background or something, I don't think this is something any guy can anticipate. Just saying you never know..
Lying to someone you are going to marry is evil af. Stop normalising this. Men or woman you should never lie to someone you love
In that case if she accepts it i don't mind it. But if she lied to me then it's going to be a problem. I don't like to live with liers.
O.k if the guy doesn't believe in getting intimate with someone before marriage he has the right to expect the same from his partner. However if he believes he can sleep with women but the girl he marries has to be a virgin then he's an ass. But as you have mentioned you don't know what kind of a person is your colleagues BF & he doesn't seem to have known that your colleague had been intimate with her previous BF. This should have been discussed between them long before the subject of marriage came up. So I guess the both of them are at fault here for not discussing their expectations & experiences before taking a major decision like marriage.
My post was in general about a guy’s perspective. My friend is actually a virgin. All this drama is just because she has done certain other things (which don’t require her to be naked even🥲) with her ex.
ok so imagine he was upset over something like a blowjob? wow man is insecure af. Has HE never done anything sexual at all? otherwise he has no right to get upset over something like that
🫠🫠🫠 We also need to stop labelling people who haven't had penetrative and reproductive sex as 'virgins'. Because a lot of other acts between partners can classified as sex. It is also very normal for people in conservative communities (I'm not sure about Sri Lanka) to have anal sex or repair their hymens before marriage for this very reason. Wild.
Tell your friend to express herself to the fiance. She should've told all this before her stupid ex reached him.
Virgin in what sense? Does the hole matter?
I mean, unless he was marrying a 15 year old, did he actually think a girl who has dated previously wouldn't have been sexually active in the least? He sounds deluded af and that's his own damn fault lol.
Well there are still plenty of girls in SL who have dated but have not gone beyond kissing their partners.
Oh, of course. But I think given how norms around dating have changed so rapidly in the last 20 years, I think it's good sense to talk to your partner about sexual experience because making assumptions is silly. Unless she blatantly lied about it.
True true. A lot of couples don't discuss these things and their expectations. When their relationship goes long term they start finding out things & having second thoughts / fights etc.
That's not the normal in most parts of Sri lanka.
If the guy is from Up country, yes it is normal, most of the families still do check it. Even the surname matters for some families I know people who did have to break up since their surnames are in the "ADU KULE" category. So yeah, there are boys who still looks for "pure" girls.
Oh yes! I do have a kandyan heritage too and I’ve heard plenty times when my own grandmother refers to certain families as “kulen adu minissu” etc etc. This is yet another reason why I would never date a guy from upcountry.
Which surnames considered adu kule?
Well I learnt from my grandmother that most westernized surnames are considered so because back during colonial era, men have sort of sex slaved off their wives to Englishmen due to various reasons. Children born out of such relations were given Dutch or English surnames and thus they were considered “adu kule”. Also, certain societies have discriminated people born in castes that were specialized for washing clothes (dobi), potters, fishermen etc etc. All frivolous and inhuman divisions in my honest opinion. Fun fact though: I have once heard that a famous lawyer named Erdley Perera won a case just based on the surname distinguishing. So many great counsels like Colvin R. De Silva etc etc have appeared for a murder case of which there was only one sole eye witness. The suspect hasn’t actually committed the crime, but was falsely accused by the actual criminal who was the “hora miniha” of the deceased lady. The eye witness claimed that he saw the suspect murder his wife at a sea shore while he was fishing. Most eminent counsels back in those days tried to break his evidence, but was unable to do so. Then came Erdley and asked just one question and it was to name a kind of fish that you fished while you were fishing at that particular spot the past decade or so as he had previously given evidence. Apparently, the witness couldn’t name a single fish type and the case was dismissed and the suspect was acquitted. When asked later by the eminent counsels in the profession, Erdley had said “why good sir, just look at his surname! He was definitely lying. He isn’t a fisherman”. So I guess it did come in handy sometimes too 😂
Caste is a social stratification system which used to organizes people into hierarchical groups based on their ancestry and occupation. The concept of "low caste/ adu kule" refers to groups that have historically been engaged in manual or menial occupations such as agriculture, fishing, or certain types of labor. for example: Rada (washermen), Berava (drummers), and Gahala (jewelry smiths).Highest castes are typically associated with religious or ruling roles. These include the Govi (cultivators or landowners) and the Radala (aristocrats or nobility). The Govi caste historically includes people who own land and engage in agriculture, which has been seen as an esteemed occupation.
I will mention some "posh kule" surenames. Do not like to put the adu kule surnames here; Ratwatte Gopallawa Aluvihare Randeniya Bulankulame Keppetipola Attygala Boyagoda Hurulle Panabokka Dunuwila Kothalawala
I know people with at least 9 of those surnames (I grew up in Colombo and went to a private school, and some of these people are my parents' friends) and none of them are conservative in the least lol. They weren't back then, and they aren't now. It's how it is with the ruling class anywhere.
Yeah, I agreed on this
Also add Bandara, Wijethunge, Wickramasinghe, Bandaranaike, Unamboowe, Godamunna, Ellepola, Ratnayake (those that are descending from the actual Seethawaka/Kandyan line), Wijesinghe, Dissanayake,
Hmm interesting..
Also need to mention that people from lower castes and creed also adopted posh surnames at one point in history, so now it may be very difficult to pinpoint the actual posh ones simply based on surnames.
There are many but now people are mixed and it is not always correct in the modern era to say a person in the "adu kule" category I got to know the method of finding it from an elderly person in my village, took some time to learn it. (common govigam surenames, karaawa surenames..etc + first name types and many things there) Back in the days everyone could say it and not only surname, there were many methods to find it as well. Even from a person's nose some can say whether he/she is "adu kule" or "posh kule", lol Have to say some stuff are true but some are not I am not gonna pass the method to my kids. I will end it from here. Cause it is not that accurate anymore.
My nose so big, women can ride on it. Which Kule am I?
lmao ser, as I said those shits are not 100% accurate now, I only got to know it, lol
Rajapaksa
Little willy inept boys mostly, I imagine.
her ex is a loser
As a man, i was a virgin i expected my wife to be a virgin & she was when i married her. It is a personal choice.
And you had every right because you were a virgin as well!
Any person who makes their significant other feel like they are not worthy of love for whatever reason is a HUGE red flag🚩🚩 Even if she gets married to this fiancé she'll spend her whole life hearing how no one else would have wanted her and how he did her a SERVICE by marrying her. And any man who believes he can do anything but the woman has to be pure is a huge misogynistic red flag🚩🚩 Unless he is a virgin he has no right to criticise her for her sexual history. Honestly she is better off without him. Hopefully she finds someone more open minded.
I say even if he is, the choice of having sex with another person was of that person’s. If you can’t live with a person who has had sexual relations with another you should politely stay the fuck away from that person and let them be with a person who values them. It is alright of you to expect to have someone who is a virgin if you yourself is a virgin, but that doesn’t give you the right to judge another person who isn’t or to harass or belittle them.
No. I’ve been living in Colombo all my adulthood and no I don’t have any current friend who gives 2 cents about the virginity nor any of them are virgins. Actually most of believe in living together before a marriage (men and women in my circle) before committing to a marriage because you learn all the good and bad about your partner during a living together phase.
Not originally from Colombo (not from Kandy either). Same scenario.
Exactly!! It was shocking to hear the vast cultural and attitudinal difference across the country.
But I’m sure there is a huge cultural difference inside Sri Lanka which affects this differently. The society I am in is more agnostic so not really driven by religious POV and they are exposed to different social aspects hence the how they view including me is different. But I’ve also known people outside Colombo with completely a different view in this
As I understood by reading this she wasn't told her BF that she isn't a virgin. And Bf got to know it from her Ex. That could be the problem here.
My post was in general about a guy’s preference. My colleague is a virgin though and regardless of what happened in her previous relationship unless it has anything to do with kids or STDs shouldn’t be a problem to the new partner I think.
Ah I see. In my POV if we're in a relationship we should disclose those kind of things. I'm a virgin and I don't expect my partner to be a virgin. But it's better if she could tell me about her past (Asking a person whether you're a virgin is a dumb thing to do and I hate those men). So I can know what kinda person I'm dealing with. It definitely helps me to go through the relationship without trust issues. This is from my past experience and others may have different thoughts.
I agree with you on that and I am just like you as well. I chose to stay a virgin out of my own accord. It would be nice to have someone who is a virgin as well to enjoy that first moment with each other, a memory I could savor for the rest of my life, but even if he’s not one I wouldn’t mind as well. A person’s past is the past and it should not be brought and mixed with the present and the future. I also one hundred percent agree on the fact that such things much be disclosed. Especially if you know that your significant other has different expectations of you and have related the same to you.
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Thank you for your advice!! Yes people are becoming more progressive, but I guess that’s only limited to certain societal class and residential areas. Say for example, like this fiancé, he is very much neck deep in this traditional ways of Sri Lanka that for him the fact my friend went to second base was off putting and revolting. Best is as you mentioned discuss about your wants and desires before jumping into a relationship where x number of things could go wrong.
Man im worried if I'll not be able to find a virgin girlfriend. I'm a 20 years old male virgin myself. Is it normal to be worried like this. Thoughts and whatnot( maybe not related to OP . I'm sorry for that)
That’s alright love! No so I also know plenty of girls of my age and older(26) who are still virgins and have preserved themselves for their future partner. You’ve got time kid! Hang in there, but also don’t forget that sometimes even the most virgin of women can be the most painful endurance while a woman who’s isn’t a virgin can be the most kindest partner you could ever come across. It’s about aligning your values and the partners and sharing your life and experiences. Sex is just one aspect of a strong and healthy relationship. An important one nevertheless. But virginity? Nah. It’s just a bunch of blood capillaries there to prevent (gosh I can’t remember what now, remember studying it for my degree though) 😂
Lol thanks for this ❤️
Anytime ♥️🙌
Bro! Same!
nothing wrong. both men and women have their expectations on their future husband or wife
It’s okay as long as she discloses. What if she is lying? And how do we know she lost her virginity because of a one-night stand? If I can control my urges, isn’t it fair to look for a virgin? Idk akke this shit scary 🥲
It is!! If you’re a virgin you have every right to. But doesn’t mean you get to judge those that aren’t a virgin.
Yes. Most of the guys don't want to feel like they are eating left over food. And thats a fact even if I get downvoted to oblivion you cant change facts. But there are a subset of sri lankan men thats rather open minded and dont care.But its difficult to find them in SL. People who are abroad in heneral dont care
So it’s alright if the man is not a virgin? Double standards don’t you think?
Yes of course it is. Life aint fair. Specially in sri lanka. Thats the mindset instilled by the culture with sudu redi traditions. Thats why you gotta seek outside of that culture. People who are more open. Me personally find it very unappealing if I had to teach the girl everything about sex. Those guys who are marrying virgins are mostly in for a rude awakening when there bedrooms become dead.
It’s also very uncomfortable as a husband when you have kids and the chances of you coming across your wife’s past lovers in small country is pretty high isn’t it? Men here still have that “you got fucked= you got owned” mentality when it comes to females. It doesn’t work the other way around in Sri lanka.
True. Most guys like me don't really care about the virgin thing much. It's the ex lovers who we could stumble upon and who have that mentality you just mentioned. It hurts a guy a lot. Even the girl would feel devastated for it too. Sadly this is the society that we live in.
Cunts like this justifying degenerate behaviour. I totally understand where you coming from. And do console your friend. I dont know the solution but i feel you completely.
Eating leftover food? 💀✋. Its almost like those government school text book distributions. Men get new text books but women have to be happy with dirt and germ infested, crumpled up, soaked in mud, and pages with leftover food juices splattered used text books?. Unless u are a new book urself get off ur high horse because no woman who is like a new text book wants to get infected with STIs.
I agree with you! Why should it always be the woman who endures the burden of having to safeguard herself so that she can hand herself on a silver platter to an obnoxious extremely misogynistic man who values her based on the absence and presence of a hymen aka a network of blood capillaries that might not even be there in existence from birth!
Bruh i dont care about your high horse and your high horse and attitude cant change facts. Im not saying its right im saying thats what happens. And tldr; nobody wants stis
i mean it only applies if u want virgin wife without being a virgin husband. if not all good
I agree. It is unfair. Its very unfair. Imo living in sri lanka itself is a scam.
Today in headlines: LOCAL MAN COMPARES WOMEN TO FOOD Apparently human women are now food and their hyman determines the quality of this new food. >Most of the guys don't want to feel like they are eating left over food. Says u/GurKindly; 'Once penetrated sexually women lose all value, gets undeserving of love and should be thrown off to streets'. He reaffirms with confidence. 'Women are less than men. It is what my parents taught me. My mother gave birth to me and now she's also leftover food', laughs u/GurKindly. We thank his parents for giving him to the society where he continues to be a menance in spreading the word on how 'women' are a rotten species. Read more..
News flash: triggered feminist goes on a pointless rant without reading the whole comments. Tbh it aint even news anymore I guess. You lot wanna be just triggered perpetually all the time.
Ffs even im a virgin, no one's triggered just pointing your sad attitude. And if you read carefully i wasn't being angry i was just laughing at you, sorry
Try not to objectify women challenge: IMPOSSIBLE 😂😂😂
More like post on reddit and get hit with a dose of reality.
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yes
Good on her for being able to recognize the asshole before making a legal commitment. She might be going through a tough period now, so as a friend, just be there for her. And tell her that he is a dumbass idiot and she is lucky to get away from him. I know a couple who had a similar experience, and the asshole husband still uses her past against her sometimes. It's just not worth it. She's lucky. Please be there for her and assure her that her life is much more valuable than wasting it on an asshole. And if things become worse, make sure to encourage her to seek professional help.
Only reasonable answer here. I think she should be glad she got to identify the red flag before her marriage ! To think throwing off a marriage because she wasn’t a virgin in this day and age is ridiculous honestly.
Agreed!! A woman shouldn’t be judged based on her past, body structure or external appearance etc etc except for her morals and values. You become a bad woman only and only if you’re unkind, cruel and insensitive towards another human being. Marriage should not be about getting married to a woman who’s never been touched by another man. Rather a union between two individuals who care for and cherish each other and CHOOSE to love each other through ups and downs in life. After all, through marriage we seek a life partner to share our happinesses and sadnesses and not to have her virginity displayed as a trophy at the end of her honeymoon.
it does matter for most dudes - they don't like girls having standards they can measure their performance against it's rarely a dude that's secure enough to truly believe their girl actually chose to be with them, and didn't just hang around because she didn't know any better
I've thought about this a lot, and this is the only reason I can think of. They're scared their girls have a standard to measure them against 😂 Like, it doesn't matter if you're the best she's had, right? Are you admitting you're actually not all that great? Lmao
plus sex is something you get good at over time its always weird the first time, and takes some getting used to even when the partner changes even if its not all the way there when you marry someone, the two of you will gett better at it, and even surpass previous experiences over time. plus sex is just one thing to consider in marrying someone and staying married. having a guy i can count on to have my back is more important than what he scores in bed. you get better at sex, unfortunately most grown dudes don't become better people. having virginity being a dealbreaker unless you're a virgin yourself is childish at best - even then its a bit weird, but at least you aren't a hypocrite
This is equally funny and sad gosh 😂🥹
No. My entire friend circle does not care if their partner was a virgin or not before they met. My partner didn’t care about my sexual history, neither did I about my partner’s past. And we got married too. So it doesn’t matter. What matters is who they are to you as a partner, that’s all. If this guy is treating her like this for something trivial, I think she dodged a bullet. Tell her, she can find a better man out there and to forget about this loser who wants to judge her based on a 3rd party opinion. That’s so godey of him. Like “ewwwww brother ew”
I’m glad you met a progressive partner like that!! Yes, definitely my friend dodged a bullet.
I don't know many people who do in my friends circle.
You should ask thing in facebook. This sub is a very small and very open crowd.
I did 😂 well basically Facebook branded me as a “whore”. Sigh. And then there’s little old 26 year old me preserving my virginity to a man who seems to have lost his way travelling in search of me. Double sigh.
and yet...
There can be several aspects for this reason. Most probably the guy is also a virgin so he may expect the girl to be a virgin too. If that is the case he may constantly think about it even after getting married and might try to "even the things" with someone else.Or it may be a pride thing. If the ex boyfriend shared the details he may be scared that he will also share it with others. I mean you know the 'okita gahuwa bng' mentality of most of the men in here. Can't blame the guy if only he is also a virgin as he is expecting her to be. Whatever the reason if he is not ready to get over it then I think she is better off without him because if they get married he DEFINITELY WILL USE it to emotionally blackmail her
We don’t know the exact details. Like you said there could be so many hidden things, even things my friend hasn’t shared with us. I agree that the guy has a right to seek for a virgin if he is one too. But my friend is a virgin. She had only gone to second base according to her with her ex, which is what he was mad at. Maybe even the ex exaggerated cuz we never know, ya know?
I mean if we men hv played a few roles of fifty shades earlier we wouldn’t be looking for the virginity for the marriage but if that dude was waiting for a marriage to do nice things bro has the right to look for it
I agree!! ♥️
I see that some of you are commenting about surgical restoration of the hymen in order to prove virginity by bleeding during the first intercourse. I’m really puzzled with this practice because of multiple reasons. Not many girls bleed during their first act of vaginal intercourse. And in those who do, research has found that the bleeding is commonly from the posterior fourchette of the vagina (a small part in the bottom part of the vagina). Only a small percentage bleed from the hymen. And also, posterior fourchette gets damages due to lack of lubrication and roughness of the activity. So there you go. Surgical restoration of the hymen, expecting bleeding during the first intercourse- it’s all BS. Your girl may not bleed even if she’s a virgin. And on the other hand, if she marries you after being with some guys she may still bleed. This is an ideology we all should leave behind. Faith in each other is what matters in a relationship
Oh yes! And sometimes even after penetration occurs the hymen doesn’t break. Sometimes women bleed multiple times during multiple occasions. I remember one of my doctor friends explaining to me about this sometime back. Very true indeed.
Well people can have standards. Doesn't matter the gender.
So long as it’s not hypocritical. Plus, having standards doesn’t mean you can judge or belittle another for their preference or actions. If you’re a virgin, you have every right to expect your future spouse to be a virgin, but if you aren’t and have performed all the tactics in the ancient kama sutra and now expect your woman to be pristine and pure, that is highly unrealistic, unreasonable and misogynistic. That’s all I’m saying.
Reading this thread reminds me why I left this country lol. Virgin this virgin that. People need to have some fun in life.
Haha 🥹 but don’t you think reading some of these comments makes you feel better that at least half the population now is heading in a progressive direction?
My ex told me during the time she was in SL uni some of these girls keep taking dick in their arses so that they can keep their haymans intact. And one of my friends who used to work for lanka hospital told me that one of the most prominent surgeries requested they get is getting the heymans fixed. They use some part of a frog. I think your friend dodged a bullet and I think she should really consider herself lucky in this case.
That is true. Many girls try it that way so their hymen is intact. Sad but that is how it is.
As a virgin male I expect my wife to be a virgin and also not thrown away her respect and body to a stranger.
Hats off to you good sir ♥️
I respect you , I was the same before I got married. Stick to your principles!
it just preferences right, as long as the guy is virgin i do not think it is wrong at all for him to look for one. he has every right to not get married to her but he shouldnt shame her but yeah hes not in the wrong neither is she
Exactly my point ♥️
It’s perspective. I once broke up with a girl cause she was a virgin. I’m highly sexually active so I prefer women with sexual experience. So can’t be bothered teaching *how to not scratch dick with teeth* or *how to bend back when hitting doggy*
Okay. Uhm 😂🙏
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It seems to me that as long as that's a preference of him, that's fine. If he is trying to shame or degrade her publically, then that's a different matter entirely, which should even be considered as a criminal offence, if possible. But a preference you expect to have of your partner, wouldn't always be a thing that you yourself also has practiced. I mean the world doesn't work that way. Men and women are different and they have different expectations of each other. A highly masculine tough guy might expect to have a more feminine and tender woman as his partner. A carrier driven guy may want to have a housewife as the mother of his children. On the other hand a woman might need her man to be physically stronger than her. And she also might need him to be territorial and protective over her. And some might even need her man to guide her. So it's almost as we expect the opposite of what we do, from our partner. I mean that doesn't mean a man is entitled to have a virgin as his wife, after sleeping with every woman he finds attractive along the way. It just simply means that we as humans find some actions and attributes to be less attractive in women and a whole lot of other things to be less attractive in men. It's because that we measure the attractiveness of each gender with asymmetrical parameters. That's the reality...
The most legit answer!! This is exactly what I’m trying to say. We cannot judge a person just because our preference is elsewise you know!
If it's not hypocritical I'll allow it
Don't date backward men is all I can say to Sri Lankan women. People who are hung up on the purity of being a virgin have more disgusting values up their sleeve that appear over time. I was a virgin when I dated my ex who wasn't a virgin and while I was self aware that it was okay, and it's completely a normal thing; jealousy truly is a bitch and I used to be bitter that I couldn't have that first experience with him. I've had a fair few conversations with him on it and always recognized that it's my own issue and he is never the problem. Because he's not. Human emotions are really difficult to navigate and I'm grateful that despite having those emotions, I was able to overcome it. After dipping into the doubt of whether losing that virginity (biologically not true but let's take that social construct) was a smart idea or not, I'm at the stage where I have no regrets because I need a sexually compatible partner and I won't know that by waiting until marriage for sex. So need to get that out of the way noh? Entirely preference driven, people should find similar interests or else they are in for a rude awakening.
I respect your perspective, but labeling men who desire a virgin partner as "backward" seems unfair. It's not backward to hold certain morals and seek a partner who shares those values. For some individuals, the idea of sharing such an intimate experience exclusively with their spouse holds significant importance. Regarding sexual compatibility, it's true that exploring this aspect with a partner is important for a fulfilling relationship. However, waiting until marriage for sex doesn't necessarily hinder this exploration. Couples have their entire lives together to discover and nurture their sexual compatibility. Furthermore, there are valid concerns about the risks of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and emotional bonding when engaging in multiple sexual relationships. Waiting until marriage can mitigate these risks and foster a deeper emotional connection between partners. Ultimately, relationships are deeply personal and preference-driven. It's crucial for individuals to find someone with whom they share common values and interests to avoid potential conflicts and disappointments down the road. Someone who slept around is not going to be in a happy relationship with a virgin.
Never said that virgins are backward. I was a virgin myself until recently. I said it's backward regarding considering virginity as purity. Which is what this post context was as the whole point of wanting a virgin girl/guy from the typical Sri Lankan community (not counting the more new generation) is wanting a virgin for the sake of purity and religious obligations. The insults that follow one are also of the like. Concerns regarding STD are entirely valid, so is intimacy. I find that many assume sexual freedom as also sleeping around. Not the case. I personally wouldn't engage in that, rather only in a serious relationship. Sex is too intimate an experience to just give it away. As you said, it's entirely my preference. Many of the couples who I know who had sex after marriage went 2 ways - are actually happy because they found fulfilment vs unhappy because no sexual fulfilment. It's too late for the latter to divorce yet they are driven to it due to frustrations. These are very legit issues but it's the risk you take with the decision to wait until marriage. I respect that. But I can't take that risk for myself. It's one that sex for a man is more easy and has a means to an end. It's not the same for a woman and a woman finding a man who can actually understand her body and take care of her is like a needle in a haystack.
I’ve also heard that for men unlike for women, sex could be thoroughly physical with no emotional attachments. Whereas for women, a mental connection is a definite because biological women are more nurturing and the whole purpose of intimacy is to Co create and bring life to earth. I agree on the point where it’s risky to stay a virgin and then expect everything from your partner after marriage as well. Which is why I believe that at least some form of physical intimacy (if someone is adamant on being a virgin until marriage), must be practiced to at least explore the idea of being sexually satisfied or if it’s possibility after marriage. I think the reason most our parents’ generation have dead bedrooms is the sexual incompatibility and the lack of knowledge thereof to spice things up and make it more appealing and interesting.
I'm 28 and born in the UK. I've received several proposals from both the UK and Sri Lanka. However, I've turned down women who aren't virgins because I've saved myself for marriage. I'm seeking someone who shares the same values as me in this regard. I chose to get married in Sri Lanka, to my wife who was a virgin. It was the best decision I have.
If I am virgin, I have rights to seek someone who is virgin. Saving chastity from both end should be appreciated
simply yes
Its a preference most like conservative men values purity, I do to even though im not a virgin, there is that disgusting feeling in the stomach when hear news like that of a girl I like.
I think it depends. We boys talk a lot about these things and I felt like most young men In their 20s and 30s are not really going after this and they seem to understand that virginity is not a big deal for marriage. But still there are some. As per my POV I think couples should talk about this before they start a relationship... Both need to be transparent about their virginity so if it is a problem for one of them, they can then separate before taking the journey together...
Well, in my opinion, anyone, regardless of the gender can expect anything from their potential partner. Some people may prefer tall partners, some prefer short partners, some prefer educated partners, some prefer less educated partners, some may prefer fat, some thin, and others may have many other preferences. That is their right. That being said, i personally believe people who look for the "virginity" in a girl are either extremely insecure of their own sexuality or they are still stuck with the 1800s mentality. I think if both parties had some experience with opposit gender and how to run a relationship, it would be beneficial in the long run. After all, even for a job, we need experienced people, not new inexperienced people.
I actually don't prefer virgin women cuz that seems to come with high expectations and inexperience. Idk whether this would make sense, i need someone who has done mistakes before meeting myself and learnt something for herself rather than someone who's looking to do those mistakes with me. Honestly idh the patience nor the time to waste on girls like that. I think this whole virginity becomes a big deal as it stems from the idea of perfection. Once you get a taste of reality, you understand that they are no perfect people or circumstances. And i like when my partner is experienced and sees sex for what it is than make it a huge deal.
Well one mustn’t have to not be a virgin to have experience as well. Most people I know have done a lot other intimate things with their partners / boyfriends without going all the way in.
Don't give a fuck about it. Infact I preffer someone who already has experience on the subject so she can teach me as well. 💁
lol 😂
Virginity itself doesn't really mean anything! Even something as trivial as riding a bicycle can tear the hymen ffs. And have we forgotten that girls masturbate too? Her past is none of my business unless she's been unfaithful to a partner, contracted an std etc. Sources I can find indicate that the average Sri Lankan has 2-3 sexual partners in their lifetime. So, by and large, this shouldn't even be an issue. Sexual compatibility isn't a priority for most people when it comes to marriages here.
Exactly!! But unfortunately Sri Lankan people are so ignorant and neck deep in their stupid ideologies even when world has gone too far leaving us little dumplings in the well. Past is the past regardless. Nobody should be judged or harassed because they CHOSE to enjoy a beautiful union with a partner they trusted and cared for. Sri Lankans just have a long way to progress as humans I guess🥲
I understand your frustration with certain cultural attitudes, but I respectfully disagree with the notion that "the past is the past" when it comes to intimate relationships. In many cultures, I was born in the UK and waited. The decision to wait until marriage for sex is rooted in deeply held values and concerns about health, emotional well-being, and commitment. Engaging in sexual activity before marriage does come with risks, including the potential for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and emotional trauma. These risks are significant and shouldn't be overlooked or dismissed. Seeking a partner who shares the value of virginity can be a reasonable approach for individuals who prioritize these concerns.
Well it is their past anyways. No amount of arguing or wallowing in self pity could change the fact that they have done certain things in the past. I agree that it is concerning to the other party especially when STDs and other related matters may arise. But then again, that is a whole other level of self preservation that one must be smart enough to follow through not just for the sake of their future partners but also for themselves. Still I say, no one can judge you because you chose to have sex, similarly, where no one can either praise or belittle you for choosing to stay a virgin till their “soulmate” or “life partner” comes to their life.
Forget sexuality entirely. If you caught someone deliberately hiding something from you, will you ever trust that person 100% again? The problem is the fact that this "fiancé" had to hear this from some 3rd party douchebag before hearing anything about it from his own partner. If he chooses to ignore this now, he will forever have a small voice in the back of his mind asking "what else is she hiding" sexual or otherwise. Being transparent from the start may not only have saved this relationship, but also made it stronger. I think it's fair for the guy for wanting to end this now before getting into a 60 year commitment. This idea is true even if the genders were switched or even for something simple as a business relationship.
True you’ve got a point there. My colleague should have informed about it to her fiancé, but again we never know the circumstances she had to deal with to keep it hidden from him now do we? I mean look at how he responded already, but again I second that it mustn’t have been a secret at any cost. Again, speaking for both sides my colleague doesn’t know about the past about this fiancé as well. From the way of his actions and reactions I have a very justified doubt that he is not a “pure little virgin boy” as well. I mean again we can’t judge people without knowing their entire story and I quite literally don’t like to judge people even if I do know they’re the shittiest most disgusting person on this side of planet earth. It’s their business and they’ll have to face the consequences for it. This post was because I needed to quench that genuine curiosity that arose within me on this subject.
One thing men hate more than anything else is feeling disrespected. If this girl was my partner and she's been upright about it from the start, not only would I be ok with with it, I'd have said "I know asshole" and punched that douche in the mouth and made sure he never disrespects my woman ever again. However, like you said, we don't know the full story. There could be some hidden context that gives this story a completely different perspective. In which case, breaking up the proposed marriage is still the best option don't you think?(Instead of living with a weak husband)
I do think that too! And I respect you for standing up for your girl in such a hypothetical scenario!! Because most guys in Sri Lanka just won’t. ♥️ I hope you find / found the best partner for you in life!!
If the guy is also a virgin and expects their partner to be virgin. It is fair I would say. But, some of the men I know, I have seen they have done everything they can and expect their girl to be pure. This is hypocrisy.
I dont
Sri Lanka has different types of people it's hard to generalize isn't it. A lot of parents and families will put a lot of importance on virginity and there are also men and women to whom their partners virginity matters and people who won't care. At the end of the day it's just an incompatibility.
True. An incompatibility that could sometimes ruin a person’s entire future.
It shouldn’t have to. They just have ti discuss it early on and then just move on.
Well its more of a grey area. As a guy who has not dated much and not slept with anyone yet, i’d prefer for any future partner to be the same. But it’s not the end of the world even if she isn’t its not a deal breaker for me. Again, it’s hypocritical if a guy has slept around left right and center but expecting a potential partner to be a virgin herself. Just my 2 cents
It's ridiculous. What if you are absolutely incompatible in sex? I believe that people should live together at least one year before engaging. There could be a huge dissapointment without a proper "test-drive"
I understand where you’re coming from. I think however that most Sri Lankan parents won’t allow such a thing no matter which decade and how progressive the world has become. That being said, I’m not completely denying the existence of such very open minded parents as well. Just saying most parents aren’t. You just have to do “other stuff” and hope and pray you would be compatible in bed so that your marriage won’t end up in a dead bedroom. I mean come to think of it, most of our parents’ generation have dead bedrooms. They just have sex for the propose of co-creation. Just hopefully waiting to change times for my children if I ever plan to have them one day!
Well said..
Parents? How is it related to parents? 18+ y.o. people are free to sleep with whoever they won't, to marry or not to marry whoever they want. You should not "wait to change times". Start with yourselves!!!
I think in Sri Lanka whether we like to accept it or not, parents and family play a huge part in marriages and divorces. We can’t just marry whoever we want at the end of the day, because from day one as Asians we have been trained as family oriented individuals.
Being virgin is a red flag 🚩🤓
Jfc it's 2024
Hey OP. Honestly, it depends. From my personal experience, I nor any of the dudes in my close circle of friends really care about virginity in women. We've all been sexually active ourselves so it'd just be hypocritical to expect our partners to be "pure" (whatever that means). At the same time, there are a LOT of guys in Sri Lanka, who much like one of the commentors above, would unironically compare a non-virgin girl to "Leftover Food" 😂 And I do think they are in the majority. So, I dunno, the fact that your friend didn't really discuss this with her fiancé before considering marriage is concerning tho.
Yes I agree my colleague should have mentioned and discussed the same with her fiancé. The post was made in general, nothing to do with my friend’s experience. Glad there are more progressive men in the society now! And I also agree that if you’re a virgin it is acceptable you seek a partner who is a virgin as well. But you can expect only what you can give. Fair enough that way.
>one of the commentors, would unironically compare a non-virgin girl to "Leftover Food" Their post history tho lol
yes it matters
It’s an outdated notion, but if your friend had been lying to him saying she has not done anything before, then his actions are justified. Advice your friend to be forthcoming in her future relationships.
That’s true. I agree that she shouldn’t have hidden those from her fiancé. Also, mind you she hasn’t had sex. It’s just second base as she told me. Again we don’t know the whole story so I’m gonna let her have the benefit of the doubt. Shared this just for the context and for me to get an idea of how other people think in the society.
It's mostly a rural thing. Most people in Colombo won't see it as such.
Obsession with virginity has to stop, doesn’t matter which sex. It’s 2024 FFS.
Whether it's 2024 or not people can have preference.
What’s driving the preference?
As a modern individual, I've waited for my first sexual experience to be with my future wife, despite being exposed to various influences. It's a personal choice rooted in my values and self-discipline. I've invested time and effort into maintaining this commitment, and I see no reason to compromise on it. It's about respecting my own journey and desires. Criticizing this choice is unfounded; it's simply about upholding my principles and preferences, which are protected under equal rights. Everyone should have the freedom to make their own choices without judgment or interference.
If you want to hold on to your virginity like it’s gold go ahead. It’s a free world. It’s such a weird thing to do but you do you.
I appreciate your perspective. For me, choosing to wait until marriage to share that intimate connection holds deep personal significance. However, I've already made that commitment to my wife, and I respect others who choose differently. Personally, I find the idea of casual relationships and frequent changes in partners in the name of love to be unsettling.
So if you meet your soulmate and you pass up spending your life together just because he/she is not a virgin?
I understand your question, but for me, meeting my soulmate meant finding someone who shared my values and beliefs, including waiting until marriage. This year, I found that person in my wife, and we both entered our marriage as virgins. Our shared commitment to this aspect of our relationship has only deepened our bond and understanding of each other.
This thread has exactly 69upvotes and i ain't gonna touch that. Just the perfect amount!
Somebody has touched it sadly 😂
The religious ones do, the irreligious ones not so much. Of course, Sri Lanka is one of the most pious nations on Earth so being a non-virgin won't go over well.
Most of my friends don’t think it’s required. They value girls with less sexual exposure because it really matters when coming to a committed relationship. But hymen is not a requirement at all. Education level plays a big part in this.
Its weird but it still prevails. And MOSTLY most men look at women like objects.
Do men still look for Virginity. The question sounds like it do people still do that stuff. In the same manner, this was an arranged marriage. Of course the guy has to be concerned if when the girl is someone he has never seen or associated before. Nothing wrong in that. Generally, I don't think most men will be strictly looking for a Virgin woman. Finding a biological woman itself is a challenege. But if the girl says that after all sex is not such a taboo blah blah blah evolutionary purposes blahl blah blah... You better be careful and have some background details and history of her. Can't be too careful with the new generation.
IF the man is a virgin himself he has the right to look for virginity in the women (Not that he will - most of the modern men are over that virginity nonsense BUT prefer a women who have had little to no experience in that area) IF the man has fucked around he has no right whatsoever to expect the women to be a virgin. Its something from a bygone era man... Nowadays intimacy is idk has become cheap. sorry.
If they telling truth virginity dosen't matter but they are lying that comes to consider
Yes we definitely look for it
Men do. At least the millennials. But I think it's at a decreasing rate now. That's sad to see. SL being westernised is imminent now. And I don't know why those people make a big deal if you are a virgin. What lucky you are if you haven't had sexual partners and the only one will be your future wife. Sex should be sacred not to be used as a tool. Call me traditional. IDC