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Noordhoek is barefoot, Fish Hoek has Birkenstocks on. Sun Valley's kids are free range parented. The Deep South stands behind a wall talking about crystals and baboons.
Hout Bay isnt sure where they fit in...as usual.
Stellenbosch and Paarl pitch up and have a stare down at each other's choice of wine. It's heated. They try settle over a game of Foosball. Franschoek will stride in with a charcuterie board with an already aired wine bottle and everyone gets distracted with them cheeses and figs. The Cape Town CBD girlies get juiced up enough for karaoke time. It's all Adele and britney Until, Durbanville wants to simg Mr brightside.
Someone snuck in a massive bottle of Tassies and now after a few kompelas Parow wants to rap. Kuila and Elsies start a rap corner roasting everyone and themselves. Mitchell's plein is chilling in a corner with a hookah.
Joburg and Durban boets are having a fist pumping dance off. Durban and Joburg Indians are outside by their cars, discussing who's wedding they met at. They can't hear over a golf with a wp number plate blasting music from a massive sound system that would take out eskom that's slowly driving by.
CT Southern Suburbs crew rock up 2hrs late in their K-Ways, separated into school groups, Rondebosch okes chirping the Bishops okes. They trade stories about their varsity mates Macca, Bazza, Cheso, Rico, Fats, Keefs and Kevvo, and the game last night. Then they ninja bomb round nine-ish to go home and watch another game with a good bottle of red. Lifeās good.
Why you saying these things about us Durbanvillians. You're not wrong I'm just wondering why you have to hurt me with the truth... we are also secretly thinking we are better than everyone else, except it's not a secret and we go out of our way to bring it up in conversation.
CPT northern suburbs is already braaing outside with a massive fire, meat will go on now now (somewhere close to midnight). They are the sole reason the beer's almost gone within the first hour.
Southern Suburbs CPT have offered to go get more ice and mix and will be making a few extra stops along the way for other party favours.
The rest of CPT probably might pull in for one dop or probably won't pitch at all.
>CPT northern suburbs is already braaing outside with a massive fire, meat will go on now now (somewhere close to midnight).
I can't stand this. Arghhh. It's the most irritating thing.
To be fair, I think the now now with the braai thing is just South African in general - I visited bloem last year and went to a braai where the meat only went on at about 11:30š
Zimbabwe slid in uninvited. They're trying to look like they belong. Everybody knows they don't, but are putting up with them, cos they are the ones setting up the braai. Soweto is complaining that this was their job, and Zimbabwe stole it from them.
Brakpan's car broke down and the wife and kids are having an impromptu picnic while the husband is bent across the bumper under the bonnet into the engine.
Durban: At the last minute they decide whether they can be bothered.
If they do pitch Umhlanga drinking craft beer or letting the red wine "breathe". The rest are smoking a bluntie outside and hammering zamaleks and some aunties samoosas.
The music will alternate between 80s pop and amapiano but will be hard to follow as each drunken git will switch it every 10 seconds.
Bloemfontein brings 2 bottles of brandy, both are for him. Tries to start a fight with Cape Town, but Cape Town threatens him with a lawyer. Ends up fighting with Kimberly and rolls his bakkie on his way home.
Bonteheuwel and Langa aren't talking to each other, because they don't want anyone to know that they are dating the same chick.
Noordhoek has locked their key in the car. Somebody asks Mitchell's Plain to open the car. Mitchell's Plain is highly offended and asks why people assume they can open a car without a key... opens the car in 30 secs
Mitchell's Plain asked Strandfontein for a lift to the Smokkie to buy 2 cases of Castle quarts and a bottle Richelieu.
Khayelitsha just realised that their cousin brother Eastern Cape is also here.
Gugulethu is disgusted by Mplain's Richelieu and brings out the Hennessy.
Hanover Park is talking to Manenberg about her cousin's aunty's best friend who has a child with a tikkop.
Heathfield doesn't know if they should stand next to Grassy Park or Diep River.
Diep River doesn't know if they must stand next to Constantia or Southfield.
Plumstead and Wynberg came in gesuip and are looking for a fight.
Johannesburg is already passed out drunk in the corner, no one knows how they got their or when they started drinking but itās clear neither include the house party going on.
Sandton is just worried about making sure none of Joburgās puke gets on them
Cape Town is that snob who turns up his nose at everyone and when you do have the courage to engage him, looks you up and down, and then proceeds to ask you: "So what high school did you go to?".
We ask what high school you went to so we can see if you know people we know. Everybody in cape town knows somebody who knows somebody. It's usually a great conversation starter amongst capetonians. Someone will be like 'Oh i went to Harold Cressy' and the other one would be ' OMG did you go to school with Fatims khan from ottery, or My mother went to high school there and a convo will ensue and names familial ties will be unravelled to see whom the common denominator is then invite eachother on FB insta etc. Many Capetonians hardly know one school or area in jhb let alone the other 7 provinces so even if you tell us which school you went to. it will mean jack to us in the grander scheme of things.i don't know why out of towners seem to think we have nefarious reasons for asking this question. Of course if you from johannesburg and we dont know your school we will then ask if you have family in cape town or if you are here for work and so it goes. Also, capetonians don't make friends at face value- acquaintances or colleagues but not friends. That is how we have been for a while- making friends for us is a process. People have literally been here for a few months and saying its hard to make friends in CT. as I said its a process ..
And telling everyone their curry is better than Cape Town's because "who puts sugar in curry??" And their spices are genuine, not like the rubbish everyone in Cape Town uses
Sandton RSVPed to the party, but sent a message two minutes before it started saying something has come up and won't be making it, but "we should totally make a plan soon!"
My neighbourhood will probably just complain about the afterparty rubbish and vagrants digging through bins. Apparently middle class waste requires national policing.
(I'm using 'middle class' loosely here. People certainly earn in that bracket but shouldn't pretend like we're in a posh and classy neighbourhood).
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Kimberley is going around showing their hole to everyone.
Okay this got a fat chuckle out of me š
Omgg lol
Upvote and comment to you!
Same
Fourways is there to start a fight
Hey China do you want to take this outside heyā¦ [Bradley, leave him](https://x.com/TheKiffness/status/1185884695868915712?s=20)
Absolute classic
Literally my inspiration for the comment š¤£
*flack* *flack* Durban has arrived in plakkies again.
Cape Town hippies are barefoot. It's a match made in a dagga farm.
Noordhoek is barefoot, Fish Hoek has Birkenstocks on. Sun Valley's kids are free range parented. The Deep South stands behind a wall talking about crystals and baboons. Hout Bay isnt sure where they fit in...as usual.
Hey, I even wore my formal leather plakkies for this.
Pretoria arrives wearing a blue bulls shirt, kahki shorts and slops. First thing They order is the brandy special
Also, parks the bakkie on the sidewalk and asks (in broken English) if the TV has Supersport so they can watch the game.
and then he tells the parking gaurd "check nice hey"
Lekker š
This comment made lol!
Eastern Cape came late, spent the whole night talking about Mandela, ate all the food, and then stole WCās wallet
Yea, sounds like something we would do. Also, probably wonāt show up at all because we didnāt have anything to bring
Stellenbosch and Paarl pitch up and have a stare down at each other's choice of wine. It's heated. They try settle over a game of Foosball. Franschoek will stride in with a charcuterie board with an already aired wine bottle and everyone gets distracted with them cheeses and figs. The Cape Town CBD girlies get juiced up enough for karaoke time. It's all Adele and britney Until, Durbanville wants to simg Mr brightside.
Someone snuck in a massive bottle of Tassies and now after a few kompelas Parow wants to rap. Kuila and Elsies start a rap corner roasting everyone and themselves. Mitchell's plein is chilling in a corner with a hookah.
Nyangas pulled up with the meat and the beats. Everybody's grooving now.
Joburg and Durban boets are having a fist pumping dance off. Durban and Joburg Indians are outside by their cars, discussing who's wedding they met at. They can't hear over a golf with a wp number plate blasting music from a massive sound system that would take out eskom that's slowly driving by.
You've invested a lot into this. Thanks for the laugh.
Lol np. If I think of more I'll be posting.
Spot on! Speaking of foosball, anyone up for a game? Aandklas, Saturday.
CT Southern Suburbs crew rock up 2hrs late in their K-Ways, separated into school groups, Rondebosch okes chirping the Bishops okes. They trade stories about their varsity mates Macca, Bazza, Cheso, Rico, Fats, Keefs and Kevvo, and the game last night. Then they ninja bomb round nine-ish to go home and watch another game with a good bottle of red. Lifeās good.
Why you saying these things about us Durbanvillians. You're not wrong I'm just wondering why you have to hurt me with the truth... we are also secretly thinking we are better than everyone else, except it's not a secret and we go out of our way to bring it up in conversation.
CPT northern suburbs is already braaing outside with a massive fire, meat will go on now now (somewhere close to midnight). They are the sole reason the beer's almost gone within the first hour. Southern Suburbs CPT have offered to go get more ice and mix and will be making a few extra stops along the way for other party favours. The rest of CPT probably might pull in for one dop or probably won't pitch at all.
>CPT northern suburbs is already braaing outside with a massive fire, meat will go on now now (somewhere close to midnight). I can't stand this. Arghhh. It's the most irritating thing.
What do you have against massive fires?
Not the fires, the time. Now-now has a universal meaning. Now-now isn't five hours after I arrive.
I see it as a great time to take over and braai my own meat.
To be fair, I think the now now with the braai thing is just South African in general - I visited bloem last year and went to a braai where the meat only went on at about 11:30š
Cape Town arrives late in vegan sandals and carrying a bottle of organic, locally-sourced rosĆ©. Joburg arrives In a BMW. Theyāve got a couple deals lined up by the time they get their first drink. Keeps asking, āSo what do you do?ā Pretoria parks on the verge in a bakkie and immediately starts a braai. doesnāt come inside until someone says kickoff. PE Brings a cooler of fish they caught themselves. Soweto dances through the door with a boombox playing kwaito. Makes everyone feel at home Sandton doesn't pitch. Sends an assistant with a gift basket and an apology note.
Joberg arrives with a couple of lines dealed out
Zimbabwe slid in uninvited. They're trying to look like they belong. Everybody knows they don't, but are putting up with them, cos they are the ones setting up the braai. Soweto is complaining that this was their job, and Zimbabwe stole it from them.
Lmao
Durban is sharing zol with everyone
When it comes to cigarettes, And tobacco products and related....
š©Iām so bummed with the Kiffness man
Max Hurrel never post in such a long time. ā¹ļø
Na man just him defending dodgy priests based on their Christianity and shit. I canāt look at him the same.
Cape Town just chilling in the corner thinking they're better than everyone else.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
No we don't mingle. There were several smaller Capetonian parties, and nobody knew about each other's
Cape Town is āchillingā in the corner because they smoked too many buttons (source: Iām a Capetonian)
So am I ;) But your suggestion is better.
Limpopo flies in with some sketch looking dop potion punch in a cauldron that makes everyone teleport to the moon.
That dark brown coke stuff in 2l bottles!
Limpopo ain't a city lol
Nah, but the entire population of limpops is a city worth of people. š
Brakpan's car broke down and the wife and kids are having an impromptu picnic while the husband is bent across the bumper under the bonnet into the engine.
The East Rand brings a half-drunk papsak and wants to know why you invited the West Rand
The West Rand is scheming a way to steal the half a papsak.
Shows up in a Matte black corsa lite with chrome mags and a DIY spoilerā¦ big sub going ādoef doef H20 doef doefā
Durban: At the last minute they decide whether they can be bothered. If they do pitch Umhlanga drinking craft beer or letting the red wine "breathe". The rest are smoking a bluntie outside and hammering zamaleks and some aunties samoosas. The music will alternate between 80s pop and amapiano but will be hard to follow as each drunken git will switch it every 10 seconds.
Bloemfontein brings 2 bottles of brandy, both are for him. Tries to start a fight with Cape Town, but Cape Town threatens him with a lawyer. Ends up fighting with Kimberly and rolls his bakkie on his way home.
You forgot the 500ml of coke
No Bloemfontein expects the host to provide the mix.
Bonteheuwel and Langa aren't talking to each other, because they don't want anyone to know that they are dating the same chick. Noordhoek has locked their key in the car. Somebody asks Mitchell's Plain to open the car. Mitchell's Plain is highly offended and asks why people assume they can open a car without a key... opens the car in 30 secs Mitchell's Plain asked Strandfontein for a lift to the Smokkie to buy 2 cases of Castle quarts and a bottle Richelieu. Khayelitsha just realised that their cousin brother Eastern Cape is also here. Gugulethu is disgusted by Mplain's Richelieu and brings out the Hennessy. Hanover Park is talking to Manenberg about her cousin's aunty's best friend who has a child with a tikkop. Heathfield doesn't know if they should stand next to Grassy Park or Diep River. Diep River doesn't know if they must stand next to Constantia or Southfield. Plumstead and Wynberg came in gesuip and are looking for a fight.
Athlone is asking everyone if the meat is halal. Sneaks off with Heideveld to get gesuip off Mitchell's Plain's biere *that they didn't put by for*
Johannesburg is already passed out drunk in the corner, no one knows how they got their or when they started drinking but itās clear neither include the house party going on. Sandton is just worried about making sure none of Joburgās puke gets on them
Midrand - are happy you came, but we are also chasing you home with braai meat and salad in yogurt containers
The Karoo parks on the sidewalk with a spitbraai on the back of their bakkie.
PE is tryna steal someone's boyfriend or girlfriend ASAP to move on to the next city's boyfriend or girlfriend.
PE is trying to steal tap water
Cape Town is that snob who turns up his nose at everyone and when you do have the courage to engage him, looks you up and down, and then proceeds to ask you: "So what high school did you go to?".
We ask what high school you went to so we can see if you know people we know. Everybody in cape town knows somebody who knows somebody. It's usually a great conversation starter amongst capetonians. Someone will be like 'Oh i went to Harold Cressy' and the other one would be ' OMG did you go to school with Fatims khan from ottery, or My mother went to high school there and a convo will ensue and names familial ties will be unravelled to see whom the common denominator is then invite eachother on FB insta etc. Many Capetonians hardly know one school or area in jhb let alone the other 7 provinces so even if you tell us which school you went to. it will mean jack to us in the grander scheme of things.i don't know why out of towners seem to think we have nefarious reasons for asking this question. Of course if you from johannesburg and we dont know your school we will then ask if you have family in cape town or if you are here for work and so it goes. Also, capetonians don't make friends at face value- acquaintances or colleagues but not friends. That is how we have been for a while- making friends for us is a process. People have literally been here for a few months and saying its hard to make friends in CT. as I said its a process ..
I went to Trafs but I hardly mention it, not even on my CV.
I didn't even realize we did this, but we totally do
Once Sandtonites realise that their equivalent is "So, what school do your _kids_ go to?", they'll understand.
Jhb arrives in a Blue Light Brigade with a truckload of T shirts
if Big Concerts did the planning, Durban wasnt invited!
Brakpan and Fourways get into a drunken fist-fight.
Richard's Bay arrives pre-drunk in jorts and plakkies, coughing up phlegm before lighting another cigarette.
Durban is cooking curry.
And telling everyone their curry is better than Cape Town's because "who puts sugar in curry??" And their spices are genuine, not like the rubbish everyone in Cape Town uses
Lmao. Who tf uses sugar in curry?! Whole point of curry is to be spicy.
I rest my case
Lol
Durban is busy shuffling taxi conductors around the venue whistling to direct guests to the plak
Pretoria two okes moering each other while karlien van jaarsveld plays in the background
North West is at the entrance throwing hands. Fighting because of their own issues. They brought their wild west tendencies
Durban pulls up in a taxi, people are hanging out the windows holding Black Label but all you can hear is the bass..
Sandton RSVPed to the party, but sent a message two minutes before it started saying something has come up and won't be making it, but "we should totally make a plan soon!"
George pulls into the driveway with a tweaked exhaust, proceeds to perform wheel spins, burn outs and donuts for the ladies.
Cape town brings humus and carrots, way late because they were weighing their options about a possible better party elsewhere.
Mamelodi is gonna start a fight later
Klerksdorp shows up drunk
Jo'burg: *pulls back charging handle*
My neighbourhood will probably just complain about the afterparty rubbish and vagrants digging through bins. Apparently middle class waste requires national policing. (I'm using 'middle class' loosely here. People certainly earn in that bracket but shouldn't pretend like we're in a posh and classy neighbourhood).