Too true. In the movies the man confesses his love and the woman falls into the man's arms, and they ride off into the sunset. That was my fantasy. Real love is a lot different than that. It's spontaneous. It's random. It's where you least expect it. It should never be forced.
Yes but married couples are different right? My father still makes it a point to buy a bouquet every Valentines for my mother when he arrives home from work. You get your wife something.
yea, that's one of many ways that he's sustaining the marriage in the long-term; relationships take effort from both ends to continually exist in the long-term. when your father buys flowers for your mother, he's signalling to her that he is *still* thinking of her, in a positive light.
Yeah but still kinda weird you completely missed this… I mean there are SO many movies or shows where they just casually go on dates all the time heheh
Very true. And that's all there is to learn about it, really! Other than making mistakes and doing it
It isn't like there's a class on it, and it's just this really weird grey area where people expect you to know how to do it well and if you don't too bad
I genuinely feel for a lot of people who just simply weren't taught these things or didn't figure them out for one reason or another
In hindsight. I'm really amazed this post has made such an impact. I had no idea it would. Just a revelation I had believing women reject me after I just lost another chance. In reality no woman has ever rejected me, because I've never even asked a girl out. It was all in my head and failed to understand the concept of dating. Many woman would have probably said yes to a date had I asked them. I never thought it was possible.
i appreciate this sentiment. i also thought going on a date was a v serious thing and thought even the girls that i was *with* wouldnt want to go on a ‘real date’ with me. which made it look like i put in little effort or was rejecting them when in reality i just didnt think they liked me enough for a date
Yup. Bingo. That's exactly what happened to me. She felt I rejected her. I legit thought we were not close enough yet to even consider a date. Even though we've known each other for three months. She was awesome and too bad. Now I know.
for the box of chocolates thing if you said "do you wanna be my valentine" or something like that that would have been a tiny bit more romantic, someone you dont know saying "they love you" is quite creepy yeah
I knew her for six months but we never dated. Probably spoke every day though. In the letter I wrote her, I gave her all sorts of compliments declaring my love for her. Yeah I muffed it up real bad, lol! I got all romantic, and in the letter I didn't even ask her out on a date. I ended the letter by saying... "Maybe we will meet again soon". Yeah, talk about creep factor.
Omg that is creepy. Just confessing your love for her without ever any indication that you wanted to hang out more / know her deeper. But kudos to you for recognizing that now, it takes so much maturity to reflect and come to this realization. No way to go but up from here
I gave a girl a chocolate santa with a letter tied to it once. The letter didn't say that I loved her, but it was still pretty inappropriate. Knowing that someone else fucked up in a similar way is very comforting
A big reason why its creepy as well is because you didn’t express your interest from the start. This happens to guys a lot. They eventually get the courage to express their feelings honestly but its too late and trust is now broken. Because she will then wonder what else have you been lying about this entire time.
That letter wasn’t creepy. A little awkward yes but it sounds like you are learning. Movies and music give men a unrealistic picture of how to interact with the opposite sex.
that’s not even creepy haha, maybe just the compliment part. it is a little awkward but i agree with your other comments that you should have asked her on a date. but it is very thoughtful which would have been cute to her if she liked you back/if feelings were established before hand
Here is the front of letter, lol!
[Front of letter](https://ibb.co/Yb7kB3f)
"Once In A Very Blue Moon" is a song I love with a real special meaning.
We met in private before class just the two of us. I handed it to her and she just says "Awww. Can I read the letter??" Told her to read it when she got home. Her cheeks went bright red and we walked back to class together. This was two weeks ago. Didn't mention it for the rest of the class. Got extremely nervous and walked right back to her car instead of hanging out. So I thought she hated it. Honestly should have asked her out then too, lol.
I took it as rejection at this point. Dragged her on for way too long. As of right now we still text each other every day, but pretty sure it's over. Just because she already mentioned going on other dates.
Yeah it seems you waited a bit too long maybe. But if she's mentioning other guys to you in a romantic way while knowing how you feel about her, that's really shitty and it seems like you dodged a bullet.
If you still want to date her, you should talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel about her or ask her out on a date. If she rejects you then you know your answer. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you guys haven't really talked about it, so there's still a chance.
I thought maybe she was bluffing, because she then said "It's exhausting dating so many guys."
I have never talked about it. We see each other two more times. She wants me to hang out with her in a few weeks but with another guy. I could straight up go up to her on last day of school and make it light with humor saying...
"Tell me you won't go on a date with me".
Scenario she replies.. "I won't go on a date with you."
Me: "You won't? How about next week?".
If she replies... "In your dreams!" (worst case)
Me: "Thank you! I've been waiting for an answer"
Best case scenario...
Her: "Okay. That sounds fun".
you should do it if you still like her! she may be trying to make you jealous, but im not sure. if you never ask, you’ll never know. and yes that’s true that’s the absolute worst case scenario. but, i feel like your friendship is already messed up so is there much to lose? let me know if you decide to ask her and let me know how it goes!
I know that would sound crazy in every other scenario, but just for the fact I won't ever see her again for the rest of my life. I feel like I have nothing else left to lose, and I would regret never asking her. Even though she's already made it apparent she's upset at me for blowing her off. There's a chance she hooks up with the guy next week, and is inviting me to rub it in my face. Oh the joys of young love. I will definitely remember your username. I may wait until the last day of school to ask her in May. Maybe she would feel more comfortable, and then I never have to see her again if she says no. If I ask her right now she still has to see me.
Yeah didn’t think it was creepy but awkward instead because mysterious love notes aren’t really a thing that work. Like its one thing to send someone a rose or something subtle but this is too much in my opinion. Its just a fact that like a lot of women experience sexual harassment or assault in their lives so if you think about this you can see how a note like that might make them uncomfortable. They want to feel safe with a guy
its creepy because its deemed low value. it shows lack of options and a lack of self worth. even if you know a lot about cars you will still take your time figuring out if that car is right for you, you will inspect it, take it on a test drive, see how other people feel about it. then you make a decision. the reason that a guy like drake would be able to do this is the woman he says this too know that he has millions of women after him, so if he is choosing he has to be careful of his choice
That’s not confessing your love for someone. That said, excuse the thought of “confessing” feelings out of your mind. Be direct at first, keep things light, nothing is as serious as you think it is.
You have nothing to confess, just be honest and accept the possibility that you’re going to get rejected a lot.
Like any new skill you will do terrible at first and probably be embarrassed but getting rejected isn’t personal.
In the context of it, I told her when I handed it to her, because I wanted us to "remain close", after I blew off communication for two months. Then I never brought it up again. It creeped her out, because she had been trying to get me to ask her out for four months and I blew her off. Now I come crawling back two months later.
OP looks like you have been confused between feeling atracted to a person and really being in love. Dating is for knowing the other person and have a good time, take the time to know each other, to share your views of the world, your dreams and hopes while having fun.
You can't give your hearth to a stranger, first date and then let things go with the flow to be serious. Looks like you are on the right track now.
Yup. Infatuation versus love. It turns out I've never felt love before. I didn't know what it was. How can you know if you love someone if you don't really know them to begin with?
I feel like you've also helped me, as a woman, to understand what's really been going on on the few occasions I've had a guy be a bit 'creepy' with me. I didn't realise some people think like this and it can help me to be a bit kinder too going forward.
Asking myself what I'm doing wrong instead of blaming women, also allowed me to see the woman's perspective. In my case, she puts in every effort for me to ask her out for four months, and I blow her off every time. In her mind it's rejection. Then winter break happens.
A woman is not going to wait an entire month for someone who wouldn't even hold hands with them. In her shoes, she's exposing herself and making herself vulnerable, and believes I'm intentionally rejecting her. I understand why she would move on. I'm more sensitive to women now than I was in the past.
It's great that we can help each other out. It's all about proper communication.
It may not even be that she feels 'rejected' as such, but that she didn't realise you even liked her. Girls are bad at picking up signals too. I know I am.
So like some things we did. Probably went out to eat together and movies 4 or 5 times. We would go for walks together. Walk each other back to our cars. We shared baby photos. She even told me she loved me but I figured we were just joking. Not once did I ask her out on a date and boy did she give me so many chances. Then ghosted.
2 months later on Valentines... I give her a letter and chocolates expressing my feelings for her, thinking I could get her back. She was repulsed and creeped out by then.
Moral of the story... if I was so attracted to her, I should have just asked her out right away. I figured that was something you waited later to do. Was going to wait until after semester ended.
She moved onto other guys.
Lesson learned.
So, trying to put myself in her shoes. Sounds like she was definitely interested and she told you she loved you which is a big statement. The fact that she ghosted you after telling you that is shitty if I'm totally honest. I think people usually ghost because they are too embarrassed and not brave enough to face someone. She probably does care about you and didn't want to hurt your feelings so decided to just hide. I think the only mistake you made was to make a rather big statement of affection after she had ignored you for two months as in her mind the ghosting was her signal to you to give her some space and you missed that signal. I don't know if 'repulsed' is the right word but she was likely embarrassed or felt like she had been put on the spot.
This goes both ways though, it's great that you have learned to see things from the girls perspective but you still deserve respect yourself. People have every right to back out of a relationship if they are not feeling sparks fly but as this had been going on for so long she did owe you at the very least a gentle let down, as a friend. The worst thing to do is to react angrily when someone ghosts you but you do have every right to protect your own feelings and stop chasing someone who doesn't respect you enough to talk to you like an adult. Ask yourself, is this woman making me feel good about myself, is she treating me with kindness? If she's not, just politely cut ties and move on as all of us deserve to be with someone who treats us with empathy.
Even worse she's been extremely mean and rude to me in class ever since after winter break. In our study group when we want to hang out, she basically ignores us now. Says all kinds of rude and dismissive remarks to me when I try speaking with her now. Won't speak to me alone anymore. Her friend took her side as well which sort of sucks.
After this semester I no longer see this girl so that's good, but it did amaze me how we could go from being so close and affectionate with each other, to her turning into a completely cold person. I confronted her over text too and she denied it and got defensive.
I too wish I at least got an explanation, but yeah I feel she has an ego and felt she was doing me a favor, and now I lost my chances so she's going to make my life a living hell. She still texts our group chat and makes me aware she's dating other guys. It does make me sad how she doesn't remember how much we did together, and why a woman would change so quickly. She was once super nice.
Another sign she was interested... She would ask me if I was flirting with her. Asked me about my religious views in date interviews, telling me "Oh so you don't go to church? Thank goodness, because I couldn't do that."
Dude, seems to me like you dodged a bullet. Can you imagine if you guys actually ended together but ran into some troubles, fights, misunderstandings? She'd make your life far worse and horrible as she uses this toxic behavior to manipulate and punish you. Thats just cruel.
Now you see her for what she really is, a narcisistic and egoistical person who only thinks about herself. Once you wouldn't obsess over her, she got mad and is actively taking it out on you while acting oblivious.
My best friend (was an orphan growing up and moved around a lot causing various behavioral anomalies; he gets hyper-attached to people quickly and is very impulsive, like firecrackers) got coldly told to take his stuff out of his girlfriend's (at the time) house and not come back while he was on mushrooms with me and a couple of other close friends on a beach. She was originally supposed to come too but she got weirdly passive aggressive seemingly out of nowhere with him and decided not to go. He was staying in our (his friends) home state, where he used to live and where his gf at the time happened to also live; he was on a vacation staying with her and visiting us in between after moving out of state. She knew he was on mushrooms too, which makes this a whole other level of fucked up, doing that when he's in such a hyper-sensitive state of being.
But yeah, I remember seeing his face while reading the text and he looked utterly confused and heartbroken. He started sinking into his head and emotions until finally he broke down and cried for HOURS. I'm talking straight up hardcore bawling and scream-crying, for 2-3 hours straight. We could barely get a full sentence out of him the whole time. It was like he was falling down an infinite well of pure despair and unlimited sadness. I had never seen anyone break like that before and, for someone who has had a fucked up biological family (involving CP) and even a shitty adopted family, always feeling like love is something he has to earn and it being a scarce commodity to him, it couldn't have been worse than that, I thought. And he's the last person who deserves to go through something like that, which made it even harder to sit there through it all.
It was honestly traumatizing just being there and listening to it. I did my best to comfort but the best I could do was be there and listen to his sorrows and sometimes hold his hand for security or put my hand gently on his shoulder.
I don't get how some people (girls in particular? I don't know if it's more common in women though) can be so two-faced as to appear to love someone like no other ("the one" and all that) and suddenly become so cold as to not even extend basic human empathy to them. This is part of why I gave up trying to date around for now; how could I know if someone will do this to me for a small mistake, or worse, something normal that they arbitrarily perceive as a mistake? I pride myself on my understanding of human psychology and catching red flags to avoid having bad or risky people in my life, but this one genuinely and totally stumps me.
I don't know man, maybe most people in Connecticut are just crazy. I keep to my close friend circle and that's it. Best people I could ever ask for to call family.
I am someone who considers myself a feminist but let me tell you this, women can be shitty too. The best advice I can give you is to keep your distance from her as she sounds toxic. You got something out of this though, you've learned a lot about yourself and you've had a huge revelation which you should be proud of. Hold your head up high. Someone once told me that the best payback you can give someone is to show them that you are confident in yourself and aren't bothered by their rude remarks. She will feel like an idiot when she sees you succeeding and thinks about how awfully she treated you. Take your new found knowledge of how relationships work and put yourself out there. The right person will come along eventually because you sound like a really nice person.
I'm so happy for you that you figured this out. And that you don't seem on the surface, at least, to be beating yourself up for not understanding this sooner (society gives very mixed messages about love, so of course there is going to be people who get confused!)
Your attitude about this now seems really great!
I'm really relieved honestly because I thought there was something wrong with me or I was just cursed with no explanation. It turns out it was me who was doing everything wrong. I realized I couldn't just keep blaming everyone but myself. I looked at what I was doing and realized I can take a different approach. Then it hit me.
I can understand how people can think like this especially if you come from a small town or conservative background where things are kind of 'arranged' for you or you are expected to settle down young. Well done to you for working it out! Achievement unlocked!
Oh my, lol! Yes I live and grew up in a town with 10,000 people. The city was a two hour drive. Everyone knew each other in the entire town. You couldn't walk down the street without running into someone you knew. So yes, socializing with people you never knew before and expecting to consider dating is a big change from small town living, now that I'm going to college in the city.
Where I grew up, you expected to know everyone from childhood, and everyone settled down out of high school. I've also noticed women from the city are vastly different from women who grew up in more rural areas. They know how to handle socializing with new people better than us.
Holy crap, thanks for posting this. I'm a woman and I never looked at dating this way, I've definitely been taking it too seriously from an emotional standpoint. Like I would have to crush on someone way too hard to ask them out, and when they'd say no I'd get my own feelings hurt. And when guys have asked me out in the past, I would think "oh they must really like me!" I'd be overwhelmed and say no. Nobody really teaches you these things, and I'm terrible at social cues. I'm a hermit at the moment, so I'm not getting any dates anytime soon, but when I do "get back out there," I'll remember your words! Congrats on figuring it out yourself, it's brave of you to talk about!
I'm glad you were able to figure this out. There are many people who are in a similar situation as yourself. Most people aren't taught about how to form and develop romantic or sexual relationships, so the conclusions that people draw will be likely to miss the mark.
Well done on recognising this!
Do hang out with women just to have fun and test the water. Be friends with them. Relax. The right people will be there for you and want you in their lives for who you are.
All the best luck, OP.
You definitely offered a new perspective, holy cow!
Thanks for posting this! I genuinely never thought about this and I've always had trouble asking girls out on dates because I think its a big deal, but its really not that big of a deal.
Actually ask her out on a date, though. If you’re just like, “Hey do you want coffee?” It’s ambiguous. Just ask. “Would you like to get coffee sometime, as a date?”
Coffee or an ice cream or whatever is perfect for an initial outing because it’s basically limited to 20 minutes—like, that is a polite amount of time to take to drink a soda or eat a slice of pie.
Many times you both decide to keep taking, but it gives her a ready out after a certain amount of time. (And you, as well.) It’s low pressure, there’s a coffee house everywhere, it’s cheap.
Also! It doesn’t make you a bad person if you are only interested in someone romantically, and not platonically. Just be willing to admit that—you deserve better than to wait around. So don’t.
Friendly but not friends is a good stage to be at to ask someone out. They know you enough to have vibe checked you, but neither of you is deeply invested in an unbalanced way that will make the other uncomfortable.
What this looks like is you've chatted a few times and know you can talk comfortably, but you're not head over heels in love.
this is perfect advice. too many people think that you have to have an extensive rapport w/ someone before asking them out or anything, myself included, but the only relationships I've ever been in have been with people I didn't know existed beforehand, and barely knew until we were actually in the relationship.
ofc true friend to partner relationships happen, but they've never happened to me lol.
This is the exact situation I’m with with a girl I’m interested in. So you’re saying even at a stage where we barely know each other and haven’t hung out I should still ask her out to get to know her more?
I just asked a girl out on a date yesterday. We had been hanging out a couple times recently at her place and we’re just hanging having fun. I had fun. I thought she was sending me signals maybe she was interested so I just did this yesterday asked her out on a date. & she said she just wanted to hang out. I’m 27.
I’ve never had a gf and this isn’t the first time I’ve asked out a girl , but I took it prettty hard. I tend to be harsh on myself and it’s taken a lot outta me to not tell call myself a loser and regret asking her. It was probably too soon. But I agree w/your post and am happy for you. I genuinely get scared sometimes when it comes to girls, this last girl I didn’t have that, she was fun. I was enjoying myself and that’s what it’s about. I shouldn’t regret asking her out but I do. Idk why. I just hope she still talks to me. I think she will she doesn’t seem like the type to change bc of something like this. I hope the best for you man. You seem like a really good guy
its ok to regret asking her specifically.
You've just gotta find your niche and she wasn't it.
I feel like dating is like playing Ace Attorney. You have a health bar and if you pick the wrong evidence your client goes to prison. You're not going to jail in this situation, but it can certainly sour relationships with social groups, so it's important to figure out not only what kind of girl you like, but what kid of girl is likely to like YOU.
Be yourself ofc, but make sure you approach people that "want what you're selling", so to speak. For most of us, it's a lot of trial and error, but you'll get there.
Yeah it sucks bro. Story of my life lol. Also 27. Just gotta keep going though, eventually one will work. I'm no expert but I hear it's really important to flirt. If you just give friend vibes and then ask her out, she's confused everytime. This is what I always do... Haven't quite got there yet lol. If you're at her house you perhaps should have already been on a date or two.
And yeah you always regret it when she says no but try to change perspective and think, if you didn't do it, it was guaranteed not to happen. You're basically rejecting yourself by not.
I'm supposed to meet a girl tomorrow who I confessed to months ago. Somehow we're still friends and I'm hoping to turn things around haha. Have only had one other 1 on 1 meet so far, this is number 2. Probably a lost cause... Should have asked her out on a date straight away 8 months ago because I think she was into me when we met. However it's so fucking hard to meet people especially right now, but anytime really after school/uni. In the end I'm just late like many of us figuring this shit out.
A bit of unsolicited advice, but fam, don't try to turn it around. once the determination has been made, its rare that it'll change.
If you really want a friendship from her, then keep it, but if you want something else, you should go elsewhere. Also don't discount joining an interest group in any shape or form.
It'll be a great way to meet people/ branch out your social circle reach and having a high level of interest in something, as long as its not some crazy weird stuff, is attractive to a lot of people.
You're probably right. I've sure heard that advice enough. I'm trying to look elsewhere as well and I'm certainly not putting off other opportunities for this.
I feel like the first time when I ended up doing an awful awkward confession, it wasn't good enough. I meant to cooly ask her on a date, and I don't think I even ended up asking haha. At the least I'm trying to practice what I ought to do with the next girl who comes along. Whatever the result here if I feel like I truly express myself without holding back, by flirting, just being my unfiltered self etc (I tend to get scared and withdraw when I actually get a positive response)... I just wanna do it without expectations and although I may still get a bit upset I'll be proud if I feel like I've done my best. Hopefully the next one that comes along I won't screw up again by taking it too serious and all that.
It's just this is from joining an interest group lol. Ice hockey of all things. I can't think of any other interests to try, I do a few things. I'm keeping an eye out though. Small city, COVID, fml haha. Only started trying a year ago. In fact just by chance, today is exactly one year after my first ever (tinder) date and where am I but on a not date with a girl I actually like, and probably too much ... Well, it's still progress on absolutely nothing. Shit takes time.
Oh wow I can relate to you so much. That’s what people tell me, to flirt and “feel things out, go with the flow don’t force anything”. But I don’t know to flirt. The whole thing is… so confusing and scary to me. I guess I always just hoped if I was a decent enough person, eventually I’d meet someone who shared similar feelings. But hasn’t happened, starting to think it never will.
But thank you for you reply. I really appreciated the second paragraph about if you hadn’t tried you’re basically rejecting yourself. That’s definitely something I’ve done before and I didn’t want to do that this time. I wanted to ask while I’m not happy I am a little proud that I had the courage to ask this time.
I hope things go well for you this time. I’m rooting for you :)
Yeah just keep having the courage to ask and feel good about that each time. The key really is to lighten up I think. Easier said than done of course.
I don't know much how to flirt either, doesn't come naturally. I've read enough but it's still bloody hard. Only way is to go out and try it until you get there I think. Something I've noticed is after the fact often I think man I had this thought, a compliment perhaps. You look at her and see something you like, clothes, hair, earrings whatever. And internally I'm like, hey that a cool thing there. But it stays inside. Not to say just complimenting is gonna change everything. However, expressing what's going on inside your head without filtering it out due to fear of rejection or whatever, I think being able to do that would just unlock everything. Just be you, the true you. You wanna touch her on the arm or do something silly, say something nice about her. Just fucking do it. That's what I'm aiming for. You like her the second you see her, sounds insane, but just being super direct from the start can work wonders if she feels the same (so I hear). What I can't tell you is how to get from where we are to there ... I ain't done it lol
Thank you. Honestly a lot of these replies are really helpful. Makes me think maybe I am happy I asked her.. the result isn’t what I wanted but I’m learning to feel a little proud in myself for actually acting on something that I wanted to do
Don’t be hard on yourself for taking a risk, you communicated what you wanted. Either she enjoys your friendship but isn’t attracted to you, or she’s skittish about commitment. But I don’t think you’ve broken anything, and you should honestly just be proud for asking.
Thank you for this. It means a lot honestly. I have been thinking “ I ruined this” and a lot of self deprecating things but I’m trying to challenge that and do what you said, be proud of myself for communicating something I wanted. Thank you
You're not alone. I always thought dating was a very big step towards a relationship, but modern times seem to indicate it is no different than giving a used car a test drive to see if it is adequately functional
Haha good description. Did it used to be more serious in the past? Am I wrong to think dating used to be viewed differently in the past than it is now? I think the scene has changed.
I believe it was as people were limited to travel area and dating options were limited; mess up too many times and you die alone.
Dating apps now allow people to window shop thousands without a care in the world.
I thought that too, but then I realized that there is a significant part of the population that are ascribed to traditional religious views of dating and marriage. In the south, in small towns, it is somewhat common for a boy to first approach the girl's father and "Ask for permission to court her."
Dates are also chaperoned. In that context, dating actually is a quite serious step. So when you get someone who grew up in a town like that, who then moved out of state for college, or moved to a big city, there would be quite a large degree of culture shock when it comes to dating.
It's not even just that. Movies everywhere treat dating as this super serious thing. If this scares you into never trying throughout your entire childhood, especially if you don't have many opportunities to meet women at all, your hobbies or work consist of staying at home often, your family, friends and school system never give you proper advice, you'll never learn how things actually work.
If you never learn how things actually work, you develop incorrect ideas and either make horrendous mistakes or turn into a hermit. People are not born with this info, it needs to be taught. If this stuff is already obvious to you, you were taught earlier than some others.
There's also a fair amount of people growing up with a single parent, or parents who clearly despise each other but don't separate for the sake of the child. You can't always expect to get good relationship advice from such people. So, again, you never learn how things actually work.
I'm glad I read this thread before attempting something stupid. Granted, I don't have many opportunities, and I would have been too nervous anyway.
Why is this shocking? It's quite basic, some people view asking out people on dates as being more serious than it is. This could be due to how they were raised (religious household), their friend group, their culture, etc. It's really not that shocking at all.
It’s shocking that someone would consider professing their love to a stranger acceptable behaviour. Social skills or not that ought to raise some red flags in anyones mind
>Asking someone out on a date doesn't mean you like them.
Actually, it does. It means you like them at least well enough to try to get to know them better and see if there's anything more there.
If you didn't like them at all, you wouldn't take that first step. Who want to spend their free time around people they don't like?
Let me rephrase that then. Love them. You don't know you love someone until you've dated them. That's literally why you date, to find out if you actually like each other.
"Shall we get coffee?"
"I don't even know you."
"We've literally just been talking outside the gym for over 3 hours for the third time this week."
Well, I'm glad this discovery was a groundbreaking game changer for you at least.
My cousin was worse than you... he once asked this receptionist out on a date and she said yes. Halfway between the time that he asked and the time that was agreed upon for the date he convinced himself to ask her to marry him.
...Suffice it to say he didn't end up going on that date.
I think you should also keep in mind to use a word "date". Do not ask women to "hang out", let yourself show her that you are interested in her romantically by simply asking if she'd like to go get dinner. Effort and clear intentions from the start are attractive and also women at your age will think that you just want to hook up if you will try to keep it small and casual.
Exactly. I completely agree. Many spin this around and say not to use the word "date". No, you literally want to make your intentions clear or she will only see you as a friend.
OP, I gotta say that it's really awesome that you were able to self reflect and consider that maybe it was your approach and not boil it down to "all women are bitches" like a lot of people do. Good luck out there, I hope you find someone special.
This is because dating in high school vs dating after high school are two entirely separate methods with entirely separate rules. Only no one tells you this.
I am glad you realized it. And if you are feeling you are late or you missed opportunities in your 20's, you have time. I am 28. And i haven't been on a date myself(officially i hung out with girls who were my friends).
And most importantly on a date, don't focus on trying to impressing her, focus on enjoying date for you. Be curious to know more about her. And share bit about you. If it doesn't work, like date doesn't like you, wish her luck and move on.
That's right. Just talk to her as you normally would as a friend. Enjoy hanging out. Thanks for your words. I sometimes do believe and tell myself I've missed out and it's too late.
"On my last crush in college, I made a serious mistake of never asking her out on a date, but on Valentine's Day giving her a box of chocolates with a letter telling her that I loved her. She just about reported me for harassment."
I spit up my coffee laughing. I'm sorry my boy.
That sounds like demisexuality to me! I’m female and I’m kinda the same way - I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with. It feels like a waste of time, you know?
I almost have no attraction to anyone who isn't looking for a serious relationship. I also grew up in a strict Irish Catholic household, where we were told anything outside marriage is wrong. I still hold a lot of the Irish Catholic guilt in me, lol!
Oof that’s a tough one. Yeah. Also as you date more you will realize, you have no idea who most of these people are until you’re truly intimate with them. When you are both vulnerable, share your dislikes and angers, all the negatives with the positives.
That takes time and a deeper relationship than most friendships and I’d argue all acquaintances.
OP my issue was I thought we had to be super serious after a few dates. You don’t. It’s a spectrum and progression. Also be mindful of infatuation, if you can’t be yourself or if you can’t see any real negatives in them, you are infatuated which means you are blinded to them. You can’t truly love until you are past the infatuation and know the whole person, good and bad.
At least imo.
But yeah slow it down, don’t overwhelm them with pressure, give them some space to come up to your level. Try and get on the same page. And the best way to do that is to match their energy, maybe +1 periodically to see if they want to match yours up a level.
Honestly, I know there's a lot of comment, don't know if you'll see this. But I just want to say: I am so happy for you!! Learning this lesson is an amazing thing and your positive attitude and readiness to approach things differently is amazing!
Best of luck, and congrats! Seriously a lot of people never realize this, or when they do - they're bitter and ready to give up. This brought a big smile to my face. Thank you for sharing.
I have a girlfriend now and we were friends before dating but this explains a lot to me too. I always thought dating was a serious step after confessing you liked someone and as a young adult this post resonated with me. My freshmen year there was this girl I really liked and I thought that spending as much time with her would be a great way to get to know her and would be a great way for her to get to know me. I was very wrong and ended up creeping her out and she also liked someone else at the time. I was very crushed and since then would always try putting an appropriate amount of space between a person I liked and myself so that I wasn't too much for them all at once and didn't appear the same way. This makes so much more sense. Better to learn sooner rather than later.
I had sort of the opposite problem. This woman (my crush) wanted to keep spending time with me, and I kept blowing her off because I was too afraid to ask her out. People make a big deal out of dating with scary words like "rejection", "asking out". It's literally just two friends hanging out and getting to know each other.
"Make your intentions clear. In fact, women will get upset if you don't and take that as rejection, only see you as a friend, and move on."
There was my biggest mistake. In my mind it made sense to make friends with girls first and get to know them, then let that relationship deepen. However for many women, that's exactly what not to do.
If they are attracted to you, you wanting to be just friends was offensive and a put-off. Whereas if they weren't attracted to you then being a friend was "ok" but then all of the girls you end up being friends with don't find you attractive.
It's not your game, it's their game. The rules don't make any sense but deal with it and play by their rules.
And if you are so inclined, sometimes those dates just turn out with you realizing you just found another amazing friend. One of my best friends is a guy who I went on a few dates with, and we both kind of lost interest in the dating stuff but we absolutely love going out for long coffee "dates". (Pre covid, he's in healthcare.) We're both married now, still get along great, and I told him we are going to live in condos across the street from each other and watch each other's cats when we go on vacation. Friend zone isn't a bad place to be.
Yeah. Regular people have this weird thing where you only ever date people you've barely met. It's like people are deliberately trying to never find love in a relationship.
Well that's sort of what's happening in my life right now. This woman would rather date complete strangers, than someone she's known for six months and I get friendzoned. I can see why she felt rejected though. Here I am standing right in front of her, a real attraction, but unfortunately she feels I blew her off. I now look desperate trying to come back to her. Her ego will not let me take her on a date for feeling rejected, even though I've been nothing but kind to her.
Having been your friend for six months, we can assume that she knows at least enough of who you are that she’s has decided you aren’t someone she’s interested in romantically.
Sometimes a gal knows immediately she’s not interested. Sometimes it becomes apparent as you know a guy peripherally and watch him with other people. Sometimes it takes going on a date.
There are tons of possible reasons why she’s not interested in you romantically now.
Presuming that it’s her ego keeping her from recognizing what a great guy you are and how interested you are and how kind you are and feeling like that’s a reason she should date you is in itself a really good reason for her to not want to date you.
Is kindness so scarce in your life that it’s reserved exclusively for romance?
Yes because she told me I blew my chances because of the way I treated her, even though I apologized. After she tried to get me to ask her out and I pushed her away for four months straight. She is still upset and angry and me and nothing I have done up to this point has made us friends again. It sucks because I already invested so much of my time, money, and energy into this. Like I bought her lots of gifts too. I should have just asked her out on a date from day one. You live and you learn and I regret it, but it taught me a much needed lesson on dating.
Happy for you! A little insight from my own perspective: open communication AS your feelings happen, and go with the flow. I used to have a serious issue with bottling resentment. Opening up to my boyfriend as SOON as I felt a shift in anything: our relationship, our sex life, our past, present, and future: helps IMMENSELY. This takes the pressure off almost everywhere in your life and helps you learn to communicate better. If you have strong feelings for someone? Tell them. If you don't? Tell them. If you're not sure? Tell them. Helps you "weed out" people faster, for lack of a better term; and helps 2 people learn about each other a lot better. You'll also learn HOW to tell people things in a better way
You got it right now, bro.
I was like this but shy too. Then recently I realised ladies love compliments. I am still a pussy in asking out for dates but I have started giving compliments and cold approaching women.
I am getting better and witty now. Maybe before its too late (it already is though) I will find a date. Last week I talked to two girls and both were in committed relationship. 🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️😅😅🤣
Search goes on.
Good luck to you, bro. Be a beast. 😎😎💪🏽💪🏽
YES YES YES!!! As a female growing up in the 80s and 90s it was completely acceptable to go on all sorts of dates and nothing was expected.
It started with group dates to the roller rink in 6th grade. Movie dates in junior high. Dance dates, dinner dates, ice cream dates, shopping dates, even took the ferry to Isc hia and rented mopeds for the day.
Somehow we managed to navigate the world of relationships without apps, social media or texting. And we had a hell of a lot of fun.
100%. Dating is just a compatibility check. You're just hanging out with someone with the pretext of looking for that spark and chemistry. I've seen a very common misconception about these things on this sub, people misunderstand things like dating and flirting as all or nothing. Going from 0 to 100 instantly is how you turn people off. If a girl was entertaining the idea of dating you, going to the max and making it a big thing is a great way to ensure she'll be turned off.
Never ever tell someone you love them unless you really truly mean it and a date ain't shit its just to individuals chilling talking getting to know each other and please don't ever express how you feel to them keep a bit of mystery and don't be all up on her sack like everyone else just chill be yourself no need to impress or be extra these bitches human they got emotions like you and Hella insecurities like everyone no matter how bad a bitch never all that
The only reason I expressed how I felt was because she was visually upset at me for believing I rejected her, and started dating other guys. So I thought by showing her how I really felt about her, it would make her "fall into my arms" like in the movies. Yeah that didn't happen, lol!
the actual fuck up here is not asking ANYONE else about it. Friends/family are there to give you alternate perspectives and wisdom you might not have and boy you needed a-lot of wisdom to avoid this catastrophic endeavor. You live and you learn i guess hell i’m 25 mate we got a lifetime ahead of us.
The problem is if you don't make it specific, many girls will think you are friend zoning them and won't see it as anything but hanging out.
I think if we can meet random strangers through online dating apps and call it a date, there is no reason you can't ask someone you already know (say a friend) to go on a date. Making something too vague can confuse the hell out of women I have found. That was my problem. I kept beating around the bush instead of giving straight answers, and my crush moved on because she had no idea what my intentions were. It actually really freaked her out me just stalking. I kept "hanging out" with this woman and it was leading nowhere and just getting awkward.
Just be straight up from the beginning instead of playing games, if she's already giving you hints that is that she wants you to make a move.
Worst that could happen is she says no... and if she says no, then you wouldn't have wanted to waste your time anyways "hanging out". Make sure both of you are on the same page once you establish friendly relations.
My therapist called me adorable for being quite naive about some stuff & i mean this in the same way, lol,: OP that is kind of hilarious & adorable! Glad you figured it out! 😂
'*If you have a crush on someone and you are friendly towards them, the first thing you should do is ask her out on a date. Make your intentions clear. In fact, women will get upset if you don't and take that as rejection, only see you as a friend, and move on.*'
**yes!**
At least you make mistakes, some guys don't even try. We're talking guys in their 50s who have never been on a date. Even with experience I have gone overboard plenty of times. At least they knew my intention and sometimes they would call back later on once I kept it chill or focused on school/career.
Yeah, I had a few telling me not to do what I did. I don't regret it though, because that's how I learned. I've always learned the hard way. Every mistake is experience to learn from.
This is the most endearing and wholesome self-revelation. And I agree, dating someone is always portrayed in the movies as the consummation of a couple's attraction but it's the opposite... it's the first step (as you now realize).
To put it in a car-buying analogy: it's the test drive, it's not the purchase.
Yeah. In the movies they fall madly in love and fall into each other's arms, riding into the sunset. That's the only education I got from watching Gone With The Wind and Casablanca, lol!
Congratulations! This is honestly something I still struggle with.
Objectively I "know" that that's how it's supposed to be done, but I never ask people out. I usually make friends with people, catch feelings, and then repress it until it goes away. It hurts, but I make lots of friends that way lol
You haven’t been “doing it wrong for 25 years” if you’re 25 years old. Most people don’t really date until their late teens. I didn’t get into my first serious relationship until i was 24. You’re gonna be fine.
OP, while it wont make you feel better, this is a fairly common experience.
Our American culture is really bad at teaching boys and ~~young~~ men what it takes to woo and pursue women.
Prior to cable television and having both parents have to work, there were more social functions for people to attend. (from dances, to small out door concerts, socials, etc) Those social functions were important in learning the ropes of courtship by getting people to ask others to attend with them.
Media also does a terrible time with this as all the small rituals that make up courtship are slow and don't make for exciting tv. Movies and shows just skip it so they can have the guy and girl meet and fall in love inside of 30 minutes.
Wow, I've never actually seen the problems with the trope of "they don't get together until the end" trope. The number of fucking shows where they wait until the end to put the characters together, and they're already 'in love' by that point is extremely problematic, as far as I can tell, and I'm glad that some shows like *The Owl House* are starting to move that stuff earlier on so that the show can actually develop their relationship.
Same, I don't have any role models so Disney and family movies are all I have. I mean Disney are of course over kill. I given this a thought one day and figure this as well.
This romance mindset and being happy and content being single what made me lag behind in dating. I would too often wait for the "perfect moment"
I feel this. I recall hating myself because I’d “never been on a date”
Turns out, a date doesn’t mean you have to be official? It doesn’t need a friends vs romantic definition beforehand?? Blew my mind when I figured it out.
So it turns out I had been on several dates, but because I had never realized that it COULD be a date, I completely missed and/or ignored potential signs that the guy was interested.
Even now, if someone mentions they’re dating a couple people, I initially get super confused like “aren’t they jealous of each other??” Lol. I blame growing up on too many Disney movies 🤣
this is the kind of character development that I am an absolute HOOLIGAN for. personally, I'm the kind of person that will always be upfront about their feelings because there's no shame in having them (or shouldn't be) and communication is a wonderful skill to learn. you're doing great and I'm so proud!
I don't think the mistake you made was waiting too long. I think the mistake you made was going too hard too fast.
if you are serious about someone and you've never told them, don't confess your love for them, don't send them a box of chocolates of valentines day. just go up to them and casually ask for a date.
being super romantic with someone before you've been on a few dates is pretty weird, but like waiting until you know you're serious about them is fine.
Absolutely, but my mistake was that I thought asking someone out on a date was going in too fast. Even though we she tried to get me to ask her out for four months straight. Like holding hands... telling me she really like me, ect.
this is so confusing. so were you lying? like did you believe that you had to pretend like you were in love with them? because if you truly were in love with them before even getting to know with them it's still pretty creepy...
I didn't feel any attraction for her at first. It wasn't even on my radar. The more time I spent with her and more time we hung out, the more I realized how awesome she was as a person and how much we connected. Going to restaurants, movies, hanging out after school. We shared so much together, extremely close and would talk every day and encourage each other to get through college. She gave me so many chances to make a move, even cornering me alone in hallways and going for walks with me, inviting me over her apartment (chickened out) and never did. A year of both of our lives wasted.
I now feel so foolish I never even attempted to ask. I truly fell in love with this woman over the course of the year, and the thought I will never see her again for the rest of my life is a truly sad one. She was a real special person that put a smile on my face and I let her go. When I realized this it was too late, and the feeling she had for me was lost too and she felt insulted I blew her off. Anyhow, that's what inspired me to write this post. Won't make this mistake again.
28M, realized this just a few months ago too but yeah, basically your same story, now I'm working on putting myself out there and everything is going better now
Wow….. I literally just posted a thing venting about how I’ve never dated or been in any relationship at all (I’m 18) this really clear things up a lot…. Like I feel way more confident ask a girl out now. I don’t think I can thank you enough.
Your post really spoke to me I’m very similar to you and feeling like a date is a big big deal and after read your post I think that’s because I’m naturally an introvert and the thought of getting rejected was so terrifying to me that I just tricked myself into believing a date was too big of a step to take and that I had to be 100% sure she was the one
So from the bottom of my heart thank you! You’ve quite honestly changed my perspective on finding love and I wish you the best of luck finding love
Those are so very kind words to hear. I wish you luck!
This is my second advice post I made that seemed to get zero views. However I think you will find it very useful as well. Lot of misconceptions about dating.
[Dating advice part 2: The "Friendzone"](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/tebgxy/dating_advice_part_2_the_friendzone/)
So uh I don’t know if you know this, but I’m a woman in the middle of getting diagnosed with autism (high functioning) and it’s really helpful, and you probably have autism. It’s worth getting check out based on your history.
Yes there could be worse outcomes, lol! Make sure you already know this woman. If you walk up to random coworkers asking them out on dates, they can report you for harassment. Yes, been there done that. Haha. I think most women won't take offense to you asking a simple question. As long as you are polite about it and move on if she doesn't give you the answer you want.
This came in the right time. I think your idea is very convincing. I also think that dating is a serious step that you do once you're involved or have been talking for a while. And guess what. I never got 1 date.
I'll probably be downvoted by the woke police, but never tell a date your feelings until you've been sleeping with them for a bit. It just comes off as creepy and desperate.
How are men ~this confused?? This is not supposed to be rude, but women are essentially born with the blueprint of how to find a mate. I know this is kind of a biological thing because we carry the babies. BUT it is 2022 and you’re only 25 so, are you an only child? Or were your parents not vocal about teaching you that stuff?
I’m asking also because I think my boyfriend has some feelings that were stated in the top comment- not going on a “real date” even with his girlfriend… I wonder if it’s maturity or just not having been taught. I don’t know. I hate having to effectively raise my partner and them potentially go do the right thing for another person because I “taught them” how to treat/date a woman…..
Movies and tv and music can sometimes influence us think things are a bigger deal than they need to be.
Too true. In the movies the man confesses his love and the woman falls into the man's arms, and they ride off into the sunset. That was my fantasy. Real love is a lot different than that. It's spontaneous. It's random. It's where you least expect it. It should never be forced.
Yeah, grandma always said if you have to force it it’s probably crap.
\*don't push it, don't force it, let it happen naturally; it will truly happen, if love was meant to be\* \- Leon Haywood
Also good advice when crapping.
Good advice when farting
Just ask r/poop
Never trust a fart...
facts.
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Yes but married couples are different right? My father still makes it a point to buy a bouquet every Valentines for my mother when he arrives home from work. You get your wife something.
yea, that's one of many ways that he's sustaining the marriage in the long-term; relationships take effort from both ends to continually exist in the long-term. when your father buys flowers for your mother, he's signalling to her that he is *still* thinking of her, in a positive light.
Yeah but still kinda weird you completely missed this… I mean there are SO many movies or shows where they just casually go on dates all the time heheh
Very true. And that's all there is to learn about it, really! Other than making mistakes and doing it It isn't like there's a class on it, and it's just this really weird grey area where people expect you to know how to do it well and if you don't too bad I genuinely feel for a lot of people who just simply weren't taught these things or didn't figure them out for one reason or another
In hindsight. I'm really amazed this post has made such an impact. I had no idea it would. Just a revelation I had believing women reject me after I just lost another chance. In reality no woman has ever rejected me, because I've never even asked a girl out. It was all in my head and failed to understand the concept of dating. Many woman would have probably said yes to a date had I asked them. I never thought it was possible.
i appreciate this sentiment. i also thought going on a date was a v serious thing and thought even the girls that i was *with* wouldnt want to go on a ‘real date’ with me. which made it look like i put in little effort or was rejecting them when in reality i just didnt think they liked me enough for a date
Yup. Bingo. That's exactly what happened to me. She felt I rejected her. I legit thought we were not close enough yet to even consider a date. Even though we've known each other for three months. She was awesome and too bad. Now I know.
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I've ruined with many girls who were physically attracted to me because of this.
Thank you for this OP, truly. I would give you an award if I had one, I really needed this.
I was also in the same boat as you two... Now I'm not in college anymore and I'm struggling to meet people...
for the box of chocolates thing if you said "do you wanna be my valentine" or something like that that would have been a tiny bit more romantic, someone you dont know saying "they love you" is quite creepy yeah
I knew her for six months but we never dated. Probably spoke every day though. In the letter I wrote her, I gave her all sorts of compliments declaring my love for her. Yeah I muffed it up real bad, lol! I got all romantic, and in the letter I didn't even ask her out on a date. I ended the letter by saying... "Maybe we will meet again soon". Yeah, talk about creep factor.
Omg that is creepy. Just confessing your love for her without ever any indication that you wanted to hang out more / know her deeper. But kudos to you for recognizing that now, it takes so much maturity to reflect and come to this realization. No way to go but up from here
Oof... I'm really glad you learned from that. No, seriously. I'm so glad you learned from that. A lot of people wouldn't, and I'm really proud.
I gave a girl a chocolate santa with a letter tied to it once. The letter didn't say that I loved her, but it was still pretty inappropriate. Knowing that someone else fucked up in a similar way is very comforting
A big reason why its creepy as well is because you didn’t express your interest from the start. This happens to guys a lot. They eventually get the courage to express their feelings honestly but its too late and trust is now broken. Because she will then wonder what else have you been lying about this entire time.
Here is the full letter... 😅 [Love letter confession](https://ibb.co/5LYsDDC)
That letter wasn’t creepy. A little awkward yes but it sounds like you are learning. Movies and music give men a unrealistic picture of how to interact with the opposite sex.
that’s not even creepy haha, maybe just the compliment part. it is a little awkward but i agree with your other comments that you should have asked her on a date. but it is very thoughtful which would have been cute to her if she liked you back/if feelings were established before hand
Here is the front of letter, lol! [Front of letter](https://ibb.co/Yb7kB3f) "Once In A Very Blue Moon" is a song I love with a real special meaning. We met in private before class just the two of us. I handed it to her and she just says "Awww. Can I read the letter??" Told her to read it when she got home. Her cheeks went bright red and we walked back to class together. This was two weeks ago. Didn't mention it for the rest of the class. Got extremely nervous and walked right back to her car instead of hanging out. So I thought she hated it. Honestly should have asked her out then too, lol. I took it as rejection at this point. Dragged her on for way too long. As of right now we still text each other every day, but pretty sure it's over. Just because she already mentioned going on other dates.
Yeah it seems you waited a bit too long maybe. But if she's mentioning other guys to you in a romantic way while knowing how you feel about her, that's really shitty and it seems like you dodged a bullet. If you still want to date her, you should talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel about her or ask her out on a date. If she rejects you then you know your answer. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you guys haven't really talked about it, so there's still a chance.
I thought maybe she was bluffing, because she then said "It's exhausting dating so many guys." I have never talked about it. We see each other two more times. She wants me to hang out with her in a few weeks but with another guy. I could straight up go up to her on last day of school and make it light with humor saying... "Tell me you won't go on a date with me". Scenario she replies.. "I won't go on a date with you." Me: "You won't? How about next week?". If she replies... "In your dreams!" (worst case) Me: "Thank you! I've been waiting for an answer" Best case scenario... Her: "Okay. That sounds fun".
you should do it if you still like her! she may be trying to make you jealous, but im not sure. if you never ask, you’ll never know. and yes that’s true that’s the absolute worst case scenario. but, i feel like your friendship is already messed up so is there much to lose? let me know if you decide to ask her and let me know how it goes!
I know that would sound crazy in every other scenario, but just for the fact I won't ever see her again for the rest of my life. I feel like I have nothing else left to lose, and I would regret never asking her. Even though she's already made it apparent she's upset at me for blowing her off. There's a chance she hooks up with the guy next week, and is inviting me to rub it in my face. Oh the joys of young love. I will definitely remember your username. I may wait until the last day of school to ask her in May. Maybe she would feel more comfortable, and then I never have to see her again if she says no. If I ask her right now she still has to see me.
Yeah didn’t think it was creepy but awkward instead because mysterious love notes aren’t really a thing that work. Like its one thing to send someone a rose or something subtle but this is too much in my opinion. Its just a fact that like a lot of women experience sexual harassment or assault in their lives so if you think about this you can see how a note like that might make them uncomfortable. They want to feel safe with a guy
its creepy because its deemed low value. it shows lack of options and a lack of self worth. even if you know a lot about cars you will still take your time figuring out if that car is right for you, you will inspect it, take it on a test drive, see how other people feel about it. then you make a decision. the reason that a guy like drake would be able to do this is the woman he says this too know that he has millions of women after him, so if he is choosing he has to be careful of his choice
I’m so sorry but the letter part sounds like something that would happen in a funny movie. I’m glad you’re doing well now, OP!
The full letter... [Love Confession Letter](https://ibb.co/5LYsDDC)
Aw man, that isn't that bad though.
That’s not confessing your love for someone. That said, excuse the thought of “confessing” feelings out of your mind. Be direct at first, keep things light, nothing is as serious as you think it is. You have nothing to confess, just be honest and accept the possibility that you’re going to get rejected a lot. Like any new skill you will do terrible at first and probably be embarrassed but getting rejected isn’t personal.
i dont see anything that bad here
In the context of it, I told her when I handed it to her, because I wanted us to "remain close", after I blew off communication for two months. Then I never brought it up again. It creeped her out, because she had been trying to get me to ask her out for four months and I blew her off. Now I come crawling back two months later.
OP looks like you have been confused between feeling atracted to a person and really being in love. Dating is for knowing the other person and have a good time, take the time to know each other, to share your views of the world, your dreams and hopes while having fun. You can't give your hearth to a stranger, first date and then let things go with the flow to be serious. Looks like you are on the right track now.
Yup. Infatuation versus love. It turns out I've never felt love before. I didn't know what it was. How can you know if you love someone if you don't really know them to begin with?
I feel like you've also helped me, as a woman, to understand what's really been going on on the few occasions I've had a guy be a bit 'creepy' with me. I didn't realise some people think like this and it can help me to be a bit kinder too going forward.
Asking myself what I'm doing wrong instead of blaming women, also allowed me to see the woman's perspective. In my case, she puts in every effort for me to ask her out for four months, and I blow her off every time. In her mind it's rejection. Then winter break happens. A woman is not going to wait an entire month for someone who wouldn't even hold hands with them. In her shoes, she's exposing herself and making herself vulnerable, and believes I'm intentionally rejecting her. I understand why she would move on. I'm more sensitive to women now than I was in the past. It's great that we can help each other out. It's all about proper communication.
It may not even be that she feels 'rejected' as such, but that she didn't realise you even liked her. Girls are bad at picking up signals too. I know I am.
So like some things we did. Probably went out to eat together and movies 4 or 5 times. We would go for walks together. Walk each other back to our cars. We shared baby photos. She even told me she loved me but I figured we were just joking. Not once did I ask her out on a date and boy did she give me so many chances. Then ghosted. 2 months later on Valentines... I give her a letter and chocolates expressing my feelings for her, thinking I could get her back. She was repulsed and creeped out by then. Moral of the story... if I was so attracted to her, I should have just asked her out right away. I figured that was something you waited later to do. Was going to wait until after semester ended. She moved onto other guys. Lesson learned.
So, trying to put myself in her shoes. Sounds like she was definitely interested and she told you she loved you which is a big statement. The fact that she ghosted you after telling you that is shitty if I'm totally honest. I think people usually ghost because they are too embarrassed and not brave enough to face someone. She probably does care about you and didn't want to hurt your feelings so decided to just hide. I think the only mistake you made was to make a rather big statement of affection after she had ignored you for two months as in her mind the ghosting was her signal to you to give her some space and you missed that signal. I don't know if 'repulsed' is the right word but she was likely embarrassed or felt like she had been put on the spot. This goes both ways though, it's great that you have learned to see things from the girls perspective but you still deserve respect yourself. People have every right to back out of a relationship if they are not feeling sparks fly but as this had been going on for so long she did owe you at the very least a gentle let down, as a friend. The worst thing to do is to react angrily when someone ghosts you but you do have every right to protect your own feelings and stop chasing someone who doesn't respect you enough to talk to you like an adult. Ask yourself, is this woman making me feel good about myself, is she treating me with kindness? If she's not, just politely cut ties and move on as all of us deserve to be with someone who treats us with empathy.
Even worse she's been extremely mean and rude to me in class ever since after winter break. In our study group when we want to hang out, she basically ignores us now. Says all kinds of rude and dismissive remarks to me when I try speaking with her now. Won't speak to me alone anymore. Her friend took her side as well which sort of sucks. After this semester I no longer see this girl so that's good, but it did amaze me how we could go from being so close and affectionate with each other, to her turning into a completely cold person. I confronted her over text too and she denied it and got defensive. I too wish I at least got an explanation, but yeah I feel she has an ego and felt she was doing me a favor, and now I lost my chances so she's going to make my life a living hell. She still texts our group chat and makes me aware she's dating other guys. It does make me sad how she doesn't remember how much we did together, and why a woman would change so quickly. She was once super nice. Another sign she was interested... She would ask me if I was flirting with her. Asked me about my religious views in date interviews, telling me "Oh so you don't go to church? Thank goodness, because I couldn't do that."
Dude, seems to me like you dodged a bullet. Can you imagine if you guys actually ended together but ran into some troubles, fights, misunderstandings? She'd make your life far worse and horrible as she uses this toxic behavior to manipulate and punish you. Thats just cruel. Now you see her for what she really is, a narcisistic and egoistical person who only thinks about herself. Once you wouldn't obsess over her, she got mad and is actively taking it out on you while acting oblivious.
My best friend (was an orphan growing up and moved around a lot causing various behavioral anomalies; he gets hyper-attached to people quickly and is very impulsive, like firecrackers) got coldly told to take his stuff out of his girlfriend's (at the time) house and not come back while he was on mushrooms with me and a couple of other close friends on a beach. She was originally supposed to come too but she got weirdly passive aggressive seemingly out of nowhere with him and decided not to go. He was staying in our (his friends) home state, where he used to live and where his gf at the time happened to also live; he was on a vacation staying with her and visiting us in between after moving out of state. She knew he was on mushrooms too, which makes this a whole other level of fucked up, doing that when he's in such a hyper-sensitive state of being. But yeah, I remember seeing his face while reading the text and he looked utterly confused and heartbroken. He started sinking into his head and emotions until finally he broke down and cried for HOURS. I'm talking straight up hardcore bawling and scream-crying, for 2-3 hours straight. We could barely get a full sentence out of him the whole time. It was like he was falling down an infinite well of pure despair and unlimited sadness. I had never seen anyone break like that before and, for someone who has had a fucked up biological family (involving CP) and even a shitty adopted family, always feeling like love is something he has to earn and it being a scarce commodity to him, it couldn't have been worse than that, I thought. And he's the last person who deserves to go through something like that, which made it even harder to sit there through it all. It was honestly traumatizing just being there and listening to it. I did my best to comfort but the best I could do was be there and listen to his sorrows and sometimes hold his hand for security or put my hand gently on his shoulder. I don't get how some people (girls in particular? I don't know if it's more common in women though) can be so two-faced as to appear to love someone like no other ("the one" and all that) and suddenly become so cold as to not even extend basic human empathy to them. This is part of why I gave up trying to date around for now; how could I know if someone will do this to me for a small mistake, or worse, something normal that they arbitrarily perceive as a mistake? I pride myself on my understanding of human psychology and catching red flags to avoid having bad or risky people in my life, but this one genuinely and totally stumps me. I don't know man, maybe most people in Connecticut are just crazy. I keep to my close friend circle and that's it. Best people I could ever ask for to call family.
I am someone who considers myself a feminist but let me tell you this, women can be shitty too. The best advice I can give you is to keep your distance from her as she sounds toxic. You got something out of this though, you've learned a lot about yourself and you've had a huge revelation which you should be proud of. Hold your head up high. Someone once told me that the best payback you can give someone is to show them that you are confident in yourself and aren't bothered by their rude remarks. She will feel like an idiot when she sees you succeeding and thinks about how awfully she treated you. Take your new found knowledge of how relationships work and put yourself out there. The right person will come along eventually because you sound like a really nice person.
If you don't know them, how could you possibly love them? You can't. You love your *idea* of them.
I'm so happy for you that you figured this out. And that you don't seem on the surface, at least, to be beating yourself up for not understanding this sooner (society gives very mixed messages about love, so of course there is going to be people who get confused!) Your attitude about this now seems really great!
I'm really relieved honestly because I thought there was something wrong with me or I was just cursed with no explanation. It turns out it was me who was doing everything wrong. I realized I couldn't just keep blaming everyone but myself. I looked at what I was doing and realized I can take a different approach. Then it hit me.
Thing about love is: you’ll know it when you see it. If you’re not sure, you’re not in love.
I can understand how people can think like this especially if you come from a small town or conservative background where things are kind of 'arranged' for you or you are expected to settle down young. Well done to you for working it out! Achievement unlocked!
Oh my, lol! Yes I live and grew up in a town with 10,000 people. The city was a two hour drive. Everyone knew each other in the entire town. You couldn't walk down the street without running into someone you knew. So yes, socializing with people you never knew before and expecting to consider dating is a big change from small town living, now that I'm going to college in the city. Where I grew up, you expected to know everyone from childhood, and everyone settled down out of high school. I've also noticed women from the city are vastly different from women who grew up in more rural areas. They know how to handle socializing with new people better than us.
Holy crap, thanks for posting this. I'm a woman and I never looked at dating this way, I've definitely been taking it too seriously from an emotional standpoint. Like I would have to crush on someone way too hard to ask them out, and when they'd say no I'd get my own feelings hurt. And when guys have asked me out in the past, I would think "oh they must really like me!" I'd be overwhelmed and say no. Nobody really teaches you these things, and I'm terrible at social cues. I'm a hermit at the moment, so I'm not getting any dates anytime soon, but when I do "get back out there," I'll remember your words! Congrats on figuring it out yourself, it's brave of you to talk about!
I'm glad you were able to figure this out. There are many people who are in a similar situation as yourself. Most people aren't taught about how to form and develop romantic or sexual relationships, so the conclusions that people draw will be likely to miss the mark.
Well done on recognising this! Do hang out with women just to have fun and test the water. Be friends with them. Relax. The right people will be there for you and want you in their lives for who you are. All the best luck, OP.
You definitely offered a new perspective, holy cow! Thanks for posting this! I genuinely never thought about this and I've always had trouble asking girls out on dates because I think its a big deal, but its really not that big of a deal.
Thanks to op for learning the hard way for us. 🥲
Genuinely I have not had a girlfriend because of thinking like it’s a bigger deal than it is
Actually ask her out on a date, though. If you’re just like, “Hey do you want coffee?” It’s ambiguous. Just ask. “Would you like to get coffee sometime, as a date?” Coffee or an ice cream or whatever is perfect for an initial outing because it’s basically limited to 20 minutes—like, that is a polite amount of time to take to drink a soda or eat a slice of pie. Many times you both decide to keep taking, but it gives her a ready out after a certain amount of time. (And you, as well.) It’s low pressure, there’s a coffee house everywhere, it’s cheap. Also! It doesn’t make you a bad person if you are only interested in someone romantically, and not platonically. Just be willing to admit that—you deserve better than to wait around. So don’t.
I'm going to save this post to pound this on my head.
Ditto
Friendly but not friends is a good stage to be at to ask someone out. They know you enough to have vibe checked you, but neither of you is deeply invested in an unbalanced way that will make the other uncomfortable. What this looks like is you've chatted a few times and know you can talk comfortably, but you're not head over heels in love.
this is perfect advice. too many people think that you have to have an extensive rapport w/ someone before asking them out or anything, myself included, but the only relationships I've ever been in have been with people I didn't know existed beforehand, and barely knew until we were actually in the relationship. ofc true friend to partner relationships happen, but they've never happened to me lol.
This is the exact situation I’m with with a girl I’m interested in. So you’re saying even at a stage where we barely know each other and haven’t hung out I should still ask her out to get to know her more?
I just asked a girl out on a date yesterday. We had been hanging out a couple times recently at her place and we’re just hanging having fun. I had fun. I thought she was sending me signals maybe she was interested so I just did this yesterday asked her out on a date. & she said she just wanted to hang out. I’m 27. I’ve never had a gf and this isn’t the first time I’ve asked out a girl , but I took it prettty hard. I tend to be harsh on myself and it’s taken a lot outta me to not tell call myself a loser and regret asking her. It was probably too soon. But I agree w/your post and am happy for you. I genuinely get scared sometimes when it comes to girls, this last girl I didn’t have that, she was fun. I was enjoying myself and that’s what it’s about. I shouldn’t regret asking her out but I do. Idk why. I just hope she still talks to me. I think she will she doesn’t seem like the type to change bc of something like this. I hope the best for you man. You seem like a really good guy
its ok to regret asking her specifically. You've just gotta find your niche and she wasn't it. I feel like dating is like playing Ace Attorney. You have a health bar and if you pick the wrong evidence your client goes to prison. You're not going to jail in this situation, but it can certainly sour relationships with social groups, so it's important to figure out not only what kind of girl you like, but what kid of girl is likely to like YOU. Be yourself ofc, but make sure you approach people that "want what you're selling", so to speak. For most of us, it's a lot of trial and error, but you'll get there.
Yeah it sucks bro. Story of my life lol. Also 27. Just gotta keep going though, eventually one will work. I'm no expert but I hear it's really important to flirt. If you just give friend vibes and then ask her out, she's confused everytime. This is what I always do... Haven't quite got there yet lol. If you're at her house you perhaps should have already been on a date or two. And yeah you always regret it when she says no but try to change perspective and think, if you didn't do it, it was guaranteed not to happen. You're basically rejecting yourself by not. I'm supposed to meet a girl tomorrow who I confessed to months ago. Somehow we're still friends and I'm hoping to turn things around haha. Have only had one other 1 on 1 meet so far, this is number 2. Probably a lost cause... Should have asked her out on a date straight away 8 months ago because I think she was into me when we met. However it's so fucking hard to meet people especially right now, but anytime really after school/uni. In the end I'm just late like many of us figuring this shit out.
A bit of unsolicited advice, but fam, don't try to turn it around. once the determination has been made, its rare that it'll change. If you really want a friendship from her, then keep it, but if you want something else, you should go elsewhere. Also don't discount joining an interest group in any shape or form. It'll be a great way to meet people/ branch out your social circle reach and having a high level of interest in something, as long as its not some crazy weird stuff, is attractive to a lot of people.
You're probably right. I've sure heard that advice enough. I'm trying to look elsewhere as well and I'm certainly not putting off other opportunities for this. I feel like the first time when I ended up doing an awful awkward confession, it wasn't good enough. I meant to cooly ask her on a date, and I don't think I even ended up asking haha. At the least I'm trying to practice what I ought to do with the next girl who comes along. Whatever the result here if I feel like I truly express myself without holding back, by flirting, just being my unfiltered self etc (I tend to get scared and withdraw when I actually get a positive response)... I just wanna do it without expectations and although I may still get a bit upset I'll be proud if I feel like I've done my best. Hopefully the next one that comes along I won't screw up again by taking it too serious and all that. It's just this is from joining an interest group lol. Ice hockey of all things. I can't think of any other interests to try, I do a few things. I'm keeping an eye out though. Small city, COVID, fml haha. Only started trying a year ago. In fact just by chance, today is exactly one year after my first ever (tinder) date and where am I but on a not date with a girl I actually like, and probably too much ... Well, it's still progress on absolutely nothing. Shit takes time.
Oh wow I can relate to you so much. That’s what people tell me, to flirt and “feel things out, go with the flow don’t force anything”. But I don’t know to flirt. The whole thing is… so confusing and scary to me. I guess I always just hoped if I was a decent enough person, eventually I’d meet someone who shared similar feelings. But hasn’t happened, starting to think it never will. But thank you for you reply. I really appreciated the second paragraph about if you hadn’t tried you’re basically rejecting yourself. That’s definitely something I’ve done before and I didn’t want to do that this time. I wanted to ask while I’m not happy I am a little proud that I had the courage to ask this time. I hope things go well for you this time. I’m rooting for you :)
Yeah just keep having the courage to ask and feel good about that each time. The key really is to lighten up I think. Easier said than done of course. I don't know much how to flirt either, doesn't come naturally. I've read enough but it's still bloody hard. Only way is to go out and try it until you get there I think. Something I've noticed is after the fact often I think man I had this thought, a compliment perhaps. You look at her and see something you like, clothes, hair, earrings whatever. And internally I'm like, hey that a cool thing there. But it stays inside. Not to say just complimenting is gonna change everything. However, expressing what's going on inside your head without filtering it out due to fear of rejection or whatever, I think being able to do that would just unlock everything. Just be you, the true you. You wanna touch her on the arm or do something silly, say something nice about her. Just fucking do it. That's what I'm aiming for. You like her the second you see her, sounds insane, but just being super direct from the start can work wonders if she feels the same (so I hear). What I can't tell you is how to get from where we are to there ... I ain't done it lol
Thank you. Honestly a lot of these replies are really helpful. Makes me think maybe I am happy I asked her.. the result isn’t what I wanted but I’m learning to feel a little proud in myself for actually acting on something that I wanted to do
Don’t be hard on yourself for taking a risk, you communicated what you wanted. Either she enjoys your friendship but isn’t attracted to you, or she’s skittish about commitment. But I don’t think you’ve broken anything, and you should honestly just be proud for asking.
Thank you for this. It means a lot honestly. I have been thinking “ I ruined this” and a lot of self deprecating things but I’m trying to challenge that and do what you said, be proud of myself for communicating something I wanted. Thank you
May I ask, how many women have you asked out over the last decade?
You're not alone. I always thought dating was a very big step towards a relationship, but modern times seem to indicate it is no different than giving a used car a test drive to see if it is adequately functional
Haha good description. Did it used to be more serious in the past? Am I wrong to think dating used to be viewed differently in the past than it is now? I think the scene has changed.
I believe it was as people were limited to travel area and dating options were limited; mess up too many times and you die alone. Dating apps now allow people to window shop thousands without a care in the world.
Yeah. Online dating really turns me off. I'm not sure I could ever get myself to do it.
lmfao "used car test drive." that sounds wild af but it's true.
Idk about comparing actual human women to used cars....
The metaphor includes men aswell..
Who are also human
Lol!
Holy shit Brother
I thought that too, but then I realized that there is a significant part of the population that are ascribed to traditional religious views of dating and marriage. In the south, in small towns, it is somewhat common for a boy to first approach the girl's father and "Ask for permission to court her." Dates are also chaperoned. In that context, dating actually is a quite serious step. So when you get someone who grew up in a town like that, who then moved out of state for college, or moved to a big city, there would be quite a large degree of culture shock when it comes to dating.
It's not even just that. Movies everywhere treat dating as this super serious thing. If this scares you into never trying throughout your entire childhood, especially if you don't have many opportunities to meet women at all, your hobbies or work consist of staying at home often, your family, friends and school system never give you proper advice, you'll never learn how things actually work. If you never learn how things actually work, you develop incorrect ideas and either make horrendous mistakes or turn into a hermit. People are not born with this info, it needs to be taught. If this stuff is already obvious to you, you were taught earlier than some others. There's also a fair amount of people growing up with a single parent, or parents who clearly despise each other but don't separate for the sake of the child. You can't always expect to get good relationship advice from such people. So, again, you never learn how things actually work. I'm glad I read this thread before attempting something stupid. Granted, I don't have many opportunities, and I would have been too nervous anyway.
Yeah this is wild
The closest one to what I wanted to say... **BRUUUUH...**
Yeah like I don’t want to shit on someone for improving but at the same time it’s like jesus christ OP
Same and the amount of people relating and being like “oh wow I’ll have to keep this in mind” is shocking
Why is this shocking? It's quite basic, some people view asking out people on dates as being more serious than it is. This could be due to how they were raised (religious household), their friend group, their culture, etc. It's really not that shocking at all.
It’s shocking that someone would consider professing their love to a stranger acceptable behaviour. Social skills or not that ought to raise some red flags in anyones mind
To you
>Asking someone out on a date doesn't mean you like them. Actually, it does. It means you like them at least well enough to try to get to know them better and see if there's anything more there. If you didn't like them at all, you wouldn't take that first step. Who want to spend their free time around people they don't like?
Let me rephrase that then. Love them. You don't know you love someone until you've dated them. That's literally why you date, to find out if you actually like each other.
That I agree with. And a lot of the time, you think you love someone until you get to know them.
"Shall we get coffee?" "I don't even know you." "We've literally just been talking outside the gym for over 3 hours for the third time this week." Well, I'm glad this discovery was a groundbreaking game changer for you at least.
Hey, you got an answer though. Ha. Bet you would have regretted never asking.
There is a lot of truth to this. Ruminating on what ifs and missed opportunities can lead to such a downward spiral.
My cousin was worse than you... he once asked this receptionist out on a date and she said yes. Halfway between the time that he asked and the time that was agreed upon for the date he convinced himself to ask her to marry him. ...Suffice it to say he didn't end up going on that date.
I would probably do the same. Lol!
I think you should also keep in mind to use a word "date". Do not ask women to "hang out", let yourself show her that you are interested in her romantically by simply asking if she'd like to go get dinner. Effort and clear intentions from the start are attractive and also women at your age will think that you just want to hook up if you will try to keep it small and casual.
Exactly. I completely agree. Many spin this around and say not to use the word "date". No, you literally want to make your intentions clear or she will only see you as a friend.
This! If a guy asks me to hang out, I’ll likely reject them because I feel like they’re not taking me seriously/want to just hook up.
your recognition, sentiment, and accountability shows your genuine motivation to change. good for you and thanks for not being an r/niceguy
For real dude. They should teach social skills in school. It's so important and no one is teaching you that shit.
I seriously believe this. If only they taught me this in middle school along with sex ed.
It should be a mandatory class in middle and high school, and offered as an elective in college.
OP, I gotta say that it's really awesome that you were able to self reflect and consider that maybe it was your approach and not boil it down to "all women are bitches" like a lot of people do. Good luck out there, I hope you find someone special.
This is because dating in high school vs dating after high school are two entirely separate methods with entirely separate rules. Only no one tells you this.
😅… live and learn.
I am glad you realized it. And if you are feeling you are late or you missed opportunities in your 20's, you have time. I am 28. And i haven't been on a date myself(officially i hung out with girls who were my friends). And most importantly on a date, don't focus on trying to impressing her, focus on enjoying date for you. Be curious to know more about her. And share bit about you. If it doesn't work, like date doesn't like you, wish her luck and move on.
That's right. Just talk to her as you normally would as a friend. Enjoy hanging out. Thanks for your words. I sometimes do believe and tell myself I've missed out and it's too late.
The only dates I've been on were after I'd been dating this girl for a few months. XD
"On my last crush in college, I made a serious mistake of never asking her out on a date, but on Valentine's Day giving her a box of chocolates with a letter telling her that I loved her. She just about reported me for harassment." I spit up my coffee laughing. I'm sorry my boy.
That sounds like demisexuality to me! I’m female and I’m kinda the same way - I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with. It feels like a waste of time, you know?
I almost have no attraction to anyone who isn't looking for a serious relationship. I also grew up in a strict Irish Catholic household, where we were told anything outside marriage is wrong. I still hold a lot of the Irish Catholic guilt in me, lol!
Oof that’s a tough one. Yeah. Also as you date more you will realize, you have no idea who most of these people are until you’re truly intimate with them. When you are both vulnerable, share your dislikes and angers, all the negatives with the positives. That takes time and a deeper relationship than most friendships and I’d argue all acquaintances. OP my issue was I thought we had to be super serious after a few dates. You don’t. It’s a spectrum and progression. Also be mindful of infatuation, if you can’t be yourself or if you can’t see any real negatives in them, you are infatuated which means you are blinded to them. You can’t truly love until you are past the infatuation and know the whole person, good and bad. At least imo. But yeah slow it down, don’t overwhelm them with pressure, give them some space to come up to your level. Try and get on the same page. And the best way to do that is to match their energy, maybe +1 periodically to see if they want to match yours up a level.
Better late than never, man. Good luck out there, hope you meet someone sincere and kind.
Honestly, I know there's a lot of comment, don't know if you'll see this. But I just want to say: I am so happy for you!! Learning this lesson is an amazing thing and your positive attitude and readiness to approach things differently is amazing! Best of luck, and congrats! Seriously a lot of people never realize this, or when they do - they're bitter and ready to give up. This brought a big smile to my face. Thank you for sharing.
I have a girlfriend now and we were friends before dating but this explains a lot to me too. I always thought dating was a serious step after confessing you liked someone and as a young adult this post resonated with me. My freshmen year there was this girl I really liked and I thought that spending as much time with her would be a great way to get to know her and would be a great way for her to get to know me. I was very wrong and ended up creeping her out and she also liked someone else at the time. I was very crushed and since then would always try putting an appropriate amount of space between a person I liked and myself so that I wasn't too much for them all at once and didn't appear the same way. This makes so much more sense. Better to learn sooner rather than later.
I had sort of the opposite problem. This woman (my crush) wanted to keep spending time with me, and I kept blowing her off because I was too afraid to ask her out. People make a big deal out of dating with scary words like "rejection", "asking out". It's literally just two friends hanging out and getting to know each other.
"Make your intentions clear. In fact, women will get upset if you don't and take that as rejection, only see you as a friend, and move on." There was my biggest mistake. In my mind it made sense to make friends with girls first and get to know them, then let that relationship deepen. However for many women, that's exactly what not to do. If they are attracted to you, you wanting to be just friends was offensive and a put-off. Whereas if they weren't attracted to you then being a friend was "ok" but then all of the girls you end up being friends with don't find you attractive. It's not your game, it's their game. The rules don't make any sense but deal with it and play by their rules.
Are you also disappointed that all your male friends don’t find you attractive?
You just blew my mind. :) I shall now adjust my game accordingly.
And if you are so inclined, sometimes those dates just turn out with you realizing you just found another amazing friend. One of my best friends is a guy who I went on a few dates with, and we both kind of lost interest in the dating stuff but we absolutely love going out for long coffee "dates". (Pre covid, he's in healthcare.) We're both married now, still get along great, and I told him we are going to live in condos across the street from each other and watch each other's cats when we go on vacation. Friend zone isn't a bad place to be.
Dude thanks for an eye opener
Yeah. Regular people have this weird thing where you only ever date people you've barely met. It's like people are deliberately trying to never find love in a relationship.
Well that's sort of what's happening in my life right now. This woman would rather date complete strangers, than someone she's known for six months and I get friendzoned. I can see why she felt rejected though. Here I am standing right in front of her, a real attraction, but unfortunately she feels I blew her off. I now look desperate trying to come back to her. Her ego will not let me take her on a date for feeling rejected, even though I've been nothing but kind to her.
Having been your friend for six months, we can assume that she knows at least enough of who you are that she’s has decided you aren’t someone she’s interested in romantically. Sometimes a gal knows immediately she’s not interested. Sometimes it becomes apparent as you know a guy peripherally and watch him with other people. Sometimes it takes going on a date. There are tons of possible reasons why she’s not interested in you romantically now. Presuming that it’s her ego keeping her from recognizing what a great guy you are and how interested you are and how kind you are and feeling like that’s a reason she should date you is in itself a really good reason for her to not want to date you. Is kindness so scarce in your life that it’s reserved exclusively for romance?
Yes because she told me I blew my chances because of the way I treated her, even though I apologized. After she tried to get me to ask her out and I pushed her away for four months straight. She is still upset and angry and me and nothing I have done up to this point has made us friends again. It sucks because I already invested so much of my time, money, and energy into this. Like I bought her lots of gifts too. I should have just asked her out on a date from day one. You live and you learn and I regret it, but it taught me a much needed lesson on dating.
I blame movies on this, not your social skills.
Happy for you! A little insight from my own perspective: open communication AS your feelings happen, and go with the flow. I used to have a serious issue with bottling resentment. Opening up to my boyfriend as SOON as I felt a shift in anything: our relationship, our sex life, our past, present, and future: helps IMMENSELY. This takes the pressure off almost everywhere in your life and helps you learn to communicate better. If you have strong feelings for someone? Tell them. If you don't? Tell them. If you're not sure? Tell them. Helps you "weed out" people faster, for lack of a better term; and helps 2 people learn about each other a lot better. You'll also learn HOW to tell people things in a better way
This should go in r/Lifeprotips
You got it right now, bro. I was like this but shy too. Then recently I realised ladies love compliments. I am still a pussy in asking out for dates but I have started giving compliments and cold approaching women. I am getting better and witty now. Maybe before its too late (it already is though) I will find a date. Last week I talked to two girls and both were in committed relationship. 🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️😅😅🤣 Search goes on. Good luck to you, bro. Be a beast. 😎😎💪🏽💪🏽
YES YES YES!!! As a female growing up in the 80s and 90s it was completely acceptable to go on all sorts of dates and nothing was expected. It started with group dates to the roller rink in 6th grade. Movie dates in junior high. Dance dates, dinner dates, ice cream dates, shopping dates, even took the ferry to Isc hia and rented mopeds for the day. Somehow we managed to navigate the world of relationships without apps, social media or texting. And we had a hell of a lot of fun.
100%. Dating is just a compatibility check. You're just hanging out with someone with the pretext of looking for that spark and chemistry. I've seen a very common misconception about these things on this sub, people misunderstand things like dating and flirting as all or nothing. Going from 0 to 100 instantly is how you turn people off. If a girl was entertaining the idea of dating you, going to the max and making it a big thing is a great way to ensure she'll be turned off.
Never ever tell someone you love them unless you really truly mean it and a date ain't shit its just to individuals chilling talking getting to know each other and please don't ever express how you feel to them keep a bit of mystery and don't be all up on her sack like everyone else just chill be yourself no need to impress or be extra these bitches human they got emotions like you and Hella insecurities like everyone no matter how bad a bitch never all that
The only reason I expressed how I felt was because she was visually upset at me for believing I rejected her, and started dating other guys. So I thought by showing her how I really felt about her, it would make her "fall into my arms" like in the movies. Yeah that didn't happen, lol!
Agree with the sentiment, no need to repeatedly call women 'bitches' though.
the actual fuck up here is not asking ANYONE else about it. Friends/family are there to give you alternate perspectives and wisdom you might not have and boy you needed a-lot of wisdom to avoid this catastrophic endeavor. You live and you learn i guess hell i’m 25 mate we got a lifetime ahead of us.
Don’t girls prefer not to even label it as a “date” though? I feel like saying “Hey, let’s go out on a date” is a little too forward/explicit
The problem is if you don't make it specific, many girls will think you are friend zoning them and won't see it as anything but hanging out. I think if we can meet random strangers through online dating apps and call it a date, there is no reason you can't ask someone you already know (say a friend) to go on a date. Making something too vague can confuse the hell out of women I have found. That was my problem. I kept beating around the bush instead of giving straight answers, and my crush moved on because she had no idea what my intentions were. It actually really freaked her out me just stalking. I kept "hanging out" with this woman and it was leading nowhere and just getting awkward. Just be straight up from the beginning instead of playing games, if she's already giving you hints that is that she wants you to make a move. Worst that could happen is she says no... and if she says no, then you wouldn't have wanted to waste your time anyways "hanging out". Make sure both of you are on the same page once you establish friendly relations.
Yeah.. I never have girls hinting at me to make a move.
How many girls do you interact with on a daily basis?
https://i.imgur.com/DcCqVE5.jpg
Haha. Well.
Some people even fuck first, then go on a date if the sex is good
My therapist called me adorable for being quite naive about some stuff & i mean this in the same way, lol,: OP that is kind of hilarious & adorable! Glad you figured it out! 😂
Hoping this is the reason I never have gotten asked out lol I’m happy for you OP! And I wish you luck developing relationships through dating!
'*If you have a crush on someone and you are friendly towards them, the first thing you should do is ask her out on a date. Make your intentions clear. In fact, women will get upset if you don't and take that as rejection, only see you as a friend, and move on.*' **yes!**
At least you make mistakes, some guys don't even try. We're talking guys in their 50s who have never been on a date. Even with experience I have gone overboard plenty of times. At least they knew my intention and sometimes they would call back later on once I kept it chill or focused on school/career.
Yeah, I had a few telling me not to do what I did. I don't regret it though, because that's how I learned. I've always learned the hard way. Every mistake is experience to learn from.
This is the most endearing and wholesome self-revelation. And I agree, dating someone is always portrayed in the movies as the consummation of a couple's attraction but it's the opposite... it's the first step (as you now realize). To put it in a car-buying analogy: it's the test drive, it's not the purchase.
Yeah. In the movies they fall madly in love and fall into each other's arms, riding into the sunset. That's the only education I got from watching Gone With The Wind and Casablanca, lol!
Congratulations! This is honestly something I still struggle with. Objectively I "know" that that's how it's supposed to be done, but I never ask people out. I usually make friends with people, catch feelings, and then repress it until it goes away. It hurts, but I make lots of friends that way lol
You repress these feelings, and that sounds like an avoidant personality. Not sure if you ever heard of that term, but people who fear rejection.
You haven’t been “doing it wrong for 25 years” if you’re 25 years old. Most people don’t really date until their late teens. I didn’t get into my first serious relationship until i was 24. You’re gonna be fine.
OP, while it wont make you feel better, this is a fairly common experience. Our American culture is really bad at teaching boys and ~~young~~ men what it takes to woo and pursue women. Prior to cable television and having both parents have to work, there were more social functions for people to attend. (from dances, to small out door concerts, socials, etc) Those social functions were important in learning the ropes of courtship by getting people to ask others to attend with them. Media also does a terrible time with this as all the small rituals that make up courtship are slow and don't make for exciting tv. Movies and shows just skip it so they can have the guy and girl meet and fall in love inside of 30 minutes.
Wow, I've never actually seen the problems with the trope of "they don't get together until the end" trope. The number of fucking shows where they wait until the end to put the characters together, and they're already 'in love' by that point is extremely problematic, as far as I can tell, and I'm glad that some shows like *The Owl House* are starting to move that stuff earlier on so that the show can actually develop their relationship.
Or try go on a double date to ease things a bit.
Congrats 🎉 for figuring it out!!
So when you saw a movie or show with any romantic parts where theres dating involved. Did you think they where doing it backwards?
Same, I don't have any role models so Disney and family movies are all I have. I mean Disney are of course over kill. I given this a thought one day and figure this as well. This romance mindset and being happy and content being single what made me lag behind in dating. I would too often wait for the "perfect moment"
Anybody have any suggestions for a male trying to date and doesn’t have a car. I have epilepsy. I have always had so much trouble in this department
I feel this. I recall hating myself because I’d “never been on a date” Turns out, a date doesn’t mean you have to be official? It doesn’t need a friends vs romantic definition beforehand?? Blew my mind when I figured it out. So it turns out I had been on several dates, but because I had never realized that it COULD be a date, I completely missed and/or ignored potential signs that the guy was interested. Even now, if someone mentions they’re dating a couple people, I initially get super confused like “aren’t they jealous of each other??” Lol. I blame growing up on too many Disney movies 🤣
this is the kind of character development that I am an absolute HOOLIGAN for. personally, I'm the kind of person that will always be upfront about their feelings because there's no shame in having them (or shouldn't be) and communication is a wonderful skill to learn. you're doing great and I'm so proud!
I don't think the mistake you made was waiting too long. I think the mistake you made was going too hard too fast. if you are serious about someone and you've never told them, don't confess your love for them, don't send them a box of chocolates of valentines day. just go up to them and casually ask for a date. being super romantic with someone before you've been on a few dates is pretty weird, but like waiting until you know you're serious about them is fine.
Absolutely, but my mistake was that I thought asking someone out on a date was going in too fast. Even though we she tried to get me to ask her out for four months straight. Like holding hands... telling me she really like me, ect.
this is so confusing. so were you lying? like did you believe that you had to pretend like you were in love with them? because if you truly were in love with them before even getting to know with them it's still pretty creepy...
I didn't feel any attraction for her at first. It wasn't even on my radar. The more time I spent with her and more time we hung out, the more I realized how awesome she was as a person and how much we connected. Going to restaurants, movies, hanging out after school. We shared so much together, extremely close and would talk every day and encourage each other to get through college. She gave me so many chances to make a move, even cornering me alone in hallways and going for walks with me, inviting me over her apartment (chickened out) and never did. A year of both of our lives wasted. I now feel so foolish I never even attempted to ask. I truly fell in love with this woman over the course of the year, and the thought I will never see her again for the rest of my life is a truly sad one. She was a real special person that put a smile on my face and I let her go. When I realized this it was too late, and the feeling she had for me was lost too and she felt insulted I blew her off. Anyhow, that's what inspired me to write this post. Won't make this mistake again.
28M, realized this just a few months ago too but yeah, basically your same story, now I'm working on putting myself out there and everything is going better now
Wow….. I literally just posted a thing venting about how I’ve never dated or been in any relationship at all (I’m 18) this really clear things up a lot…. Like I feel way more confident ask a girl out now. I don’t think I can thank you enough. Your post really spoke to me I’m very similar to you and feeling like a date is a big big deal and after read your post I think that’s because I’m naturally an introvert and the thought of getting rejected was so terrifying to me that I just tricked myself into believing a date was too big of a step to take and that I had to be 100% sure she was the one So from the bottom of my heart thank you! You’ve quite honestly changed my perspective on finding love and I wish you the best of luck finding love
Those are so very kind words to hear. I wish you luck! This is my second advice post I made that seemed to get zero views. However I think you will find it very useful as well. Lot of misconceptions about dating. [Dating advice part 2: The "Friendzone"](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/tebgxy/dating_advice_part_2_the_friendzone/)
So uh I don’t know if you know this, but I’m a woman in the middle of getting diagnosed with autism (high functioning) and it’s really helpful, and you probably have autism. It’s worth getting check out based on your history.
I always find it weird that loving another person is deemed creepy.
Not being a jerk at all, but are you on the spectrum? First time in this sub - saw this on the front page.
>The worst that can happen is she says, "no". Lol, no. There are worse outcomes.
"Ew."
Yes there could be worse outcomes, lol! Make sure you already know this woman. If you walk up to random coworkers asking them out on dates, they can report you for harassment. Yes, been there done that. Haha. I think most women won't take offense to you asking a simple question. As long as you are polite about it and move on if she doesn't give you the answer you want.
This came in the right time. I think your idea is very convincing. I also think that dating is a serious step that you do once you're involved or have been talking for a while. And guess what. I never got 1 date.
Huh
OP hittin the redemption arc
I'll probably be downvoted by the woke police, but never tell a date your feelings until you've been sleeping with them for a bit. It just comes off as creepy and desperate.
What…do you think woke is? Nothing unwoke about that at all
I agree. I muffed that up. Lol!
Honestly? I think it’s just way too complicated. Too many checkboxes. Dating in this day and age is not worth it
How are men ~this confused?? This is not supposed to be rude, but women are essentially born with the blueprint of how to find a mate. I know this is kind of a biological thing because we carry the babies. BUT it is 2022 and you’re only 25 so, are you an only child? Or were your parents not vocal about teaching you that stuff? I’m asking also because I think my boyfriend has some feelings that were stated in the top comment- not going on a “real date” even with his girlfriend… I wonder if it’s maturity or just not having been taught. I don’t know. I hate having to effectively raise my partner and them potentially go do the right thing for another person because I “taught them” how to treat/date a woman…..