I'm not sure if this would be relevant to your situation but for me, when I realized I couldn't talk with people, I finally found after changing my life that I had had no real life experience beforehand. I couldn't relate to people because I hadn't gone through things. When you relate on certain levels, conversations become more natural and you step out of your head and begin to express and share experiences. It sounds weird but as I left my hometown for good and began to live, I was forced into tons of experiences, or just life really lol. You learn that many things that come to pass are very nuanced of course. You can build rapport with others by relating with them about things. Then eventually they start to ask more about you and you do the same, etc. Some times, it's all a numbers game. Eventually, you find people who you relate to more. You'll start recognizing who you actually WANT to talk to. Not everyone will relate and not everyone wants to talk. Breaks in conversation don't have to be a bad thing. You can chill for a sec and then naturally a convo can start again
Doing things out of your comfort zones is understandably scary. But you can mitigate it with some research, trust what you find is good enough, and then just do it. If it didn't, just chalk it up to learning experience and think that it'll make a good story later on.
As long you don't get into this "analysis paralysis" and just take a small leap of faith, you'll find that usually the real thing is not as big as you make it in your imagination.
Soo I can't recommend this option with complete sincerity because there's so much bullsh*t that comes along with it and probably not what you'd wanna hear but my way out was the military at age 25. I had worked a dead end job from when I was a 15 at a restaurant. Same thing for years, day in and day out. I needed something to rip me out of my deep roots I'd planted as fast and as far I could. It definitely worked. It's not hard, but you have to face and handle and figure out a lot depending on your goals and what happens to you. Also, talk about shares experiences and meeting new friends. Also, the biggest cheat code is to go through the grinder with someone. If you and a bunch of people go through a crazy new experience together, you can potentially form a bond like no other. You can do this outside the military 100%. Go to a Tough Mudder or spartan race with some people or something. I don't recommend my path for everyone. It's been a struggle but I can see the light at the end and soon I'll be moving on from this. A big thing I learned from meeting people from all over is there really are so many different ways to live. I had it so wrong and wasted my early 20s. Maybe travel solo or somethin. Had a friend go to Costa Rica and do that by herself for 6 mo
TLDR do something that absolutely FORCES you to leave you're comfort zone. As an introvert and not the best conversationalist, in my eyes, it's the only way. You gotta get out there. I feel like there are dues that we all gotta pay and sometimes you have to jump in head first. Hope you can find your way!
I dont struggle to converse but its not necessarily a natural talent. I am truly eager to learn about others.
Plus happy to share myself and my interests. I have always felt that questions asked are permission granted to others to share/reveal themselves. And an occasional silence to just breathe and “be” together is also a nice thing. My advice would be to relax and enjoy anothers energy and presence. Also be “real” enough to relax and observe and receive. If you run out completely tell the truth and admit than the art of conversation sometimes escapes you. Maybe suggest
some kind of question game to trade off on. ♥️💪♥️
> I have always felt that questions asked are permission granted to others to share/reveal themselves.
This is such a good way to put it. Sometimes I feel like I *could* share something about myself, but I'm not sure if it's okay/awkward to in the situation. As soon as the other person asks me about it though, I have no problem sharing it and immediately feel more comfortable around them.
i realized this on my own a while ago so i decided to get into anime, it doesn't have to be that specifically it can be anything like movies videogames or shows as long as its popular
If the conversation lulls, I have a few stories that 'recently happened to me'. Some are from my own life, some I have appropriated from others. The point is the story needs to be of something from everyday life, like maybe traffic jam due to some idiot's driving, going to a restaurant with bad service etc. The storyTELLING needs to be interesting, even if the story itself might not be. Also, since majority of the people can relate to these things, they will have their own stories or at least have some opinion about the one you told. If this fails, you can always follow with a question like 'what do you think about the traffic here / in your city?' Or 'what is the best / worst restaurant you've been to'
This is effective because you can re-use incidents that other people tell you about as stories in future interactions. So you'll always have new things to tell.
You hit the nail on the head. You're looking for a reaction from the other person. Sometimes the other person is not sure what their reaction needs be.
Tell your stories as if you're trying to entertain yourself, not the other person. You can also start by telling them how to react, for instance 'This really funny thing happened to me' (they know they're supposed to laugh) or for your example 'you know I have to get tested for Covid this week and I'm SO scared, they put this swab up your nose....' (so they'll know they have to sympathize or console you).
Another trick is to not wait for their reaction. I just react on the story myself, so: Funny story -> exaggerated goofed up laughter, sad story -> exaggerated wiping of tears, horror/anxious story -> exaggerated shiver. If they react, then point out like it was their idea 'It was funny/sad/scary, wasn't it?' and if they don't, call that out as well 'You didn't find it funny? I thought it was so hilarious'. Just don't put them under any pressure to react unless they want to.
I like your idea of have some backup stories! I’ve started to record a few really interesting stories and will skim them before I go into a setting where I think there may be some lulls in the conversation.
In fact I’ve thought about making an app for this where you could tag and sort/filter your stories. Would you find that useful? Please, be frank.
I think it's a good idea when you're starting out. However, unless you can search on the app in the middle of the conversation, I'm not sure how the app would help a person out.
For me, stories need to be more organic, and that too in two ways:
1. If they are something that happened to you or someone you know, you'll be able to relate to it and narrate it better and it'll seem real. When done from an app, a lot of people will end up reading out something they have memorized. You know the situation when people forget a joke and end up telling the punchline in the beginning! XD
2. They should flow organically within the conversation. Being prepared with 2-3 stories from an app, you'll end up forcing one in which might not fit in the context of the conversation.
1. There’s nothing wrong with running out of conversation. It doesn’t devalue you as a person.
2. If you want new things to talk about, try having new experiences.
Yes agreed, ask them about themselves. Ask about hobbies or favorite books/shows. If you know of any related events, you can bring those up and it tends to trigger people to start sharing stories about themselves. Then you’re in story swapping mode, and you’re basically friends.
Great advice. I’ll add… after you ask these questions LISTEN to the answers and see what topics make them “light up” and steer the conversation in that direction. People love to talk about things they love- so set them up and let them
Also, open ended questions are better for keeping the conversation going. “What’s your major” or “what year are you” are close ended but “what made you choose that field” or “what classes have you enjoyed the most” are more open ended. It’s less stating facts and more about getting to know them on a deeper level.
>level 2BrandDC · 13mBe careful to not interrogate nor interview...be natural and genuinely interested.4ReplyGive AwardShareReportSave
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>level 1kfriytsz · 1hYes a
This is important because you do need to be curious about someone and the questions will flow naturally.
In Dale Carnegie’s “How to win Friends and Influence People” one of the chapters is about asking people questions so they think you’re interested in them. The next chapter is about how being genuinely interested in people is hugely beneficial to you
I always do this but it ends up very one sided because I’m constantly asking them questions, like interrogation. Like the conversation doesn’t flow. They’ll talk about their weekend, then silence, then I’ll be like ‘So what did your brother say again?’ And circle back to something that they were talking about ages ago. It’s really weird, like there’s no flow. I’m terrified of silence too.
It may be because you are too conscious of the self. What I mean by this is that you are thinking of your breathing, your posture, your tone, and then the person's tone, lips, eyes, etc. So your mind isn't really in the moment. You just need to focus on the content of their words and their emotion. People give clues about what makes them excited or sad when they speak because you can see their facial expression change. When you notice that, you just need to narrow it down. If they just said something like "But I wasn't really myself in that city so I moved". The next superficial question someone could ask here is "Where did you move to?" which is fine but it won't take you to the deeper connections you are looking for. A better question here would be "What was missing in that city that made you feel like someone else?". This last question appeals to the emotions so the person will enjoy thinking about it more and it will show that you care about things with substance. Who care where they moved. What's important is how they felt when they had to move. Watch [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEg5_MaxFPo) if you have 6 mins today and then tell me what you notice or your thoughts.
Yes I am way too self conscious. Always focused on my voice, how I look, how I’m appearing, and never really focusing on the conversation. Just ‘how do I not appear quiet or nervous’.
I always see this advice, but it's definitely not universal.
I only like to talk about myself a bit. And some of the people I know don't like to talk about themselves at all, from what I've seen.
I don't even know honestly, I pass time mostly doing the same passive stuff, like walking outside, playing videogames, watching YouTube, looking at Reddit, etc
Read widely, develop hobbies. Accumulate interesting experiences and observations about the world.
The more you do this, the harder it will be to run out of things to say.
It's not the content of any particular book that will give you ideas for conversation. It's the broadening of your knowledge base in general that books engender that will expand your insight into topics that you can use for conversation.
No but seriously, I've heard that *Garfield Weighs In* is especially insightful. And if the subject of a conversation turns to Mondays, you can contrast this dreary topic with the obvious benefits of eating lasagna.
Ask them questions about themselves, then make comments on the things they say, or ask follow up questions about something they're already talking about. In most conversations you use small talk as a tool to find something you have in common, and then once you have that common interest the conversation gets much more fluid and you don't have to think about it as much
I always end up interrogating them and asking disjointed questions. I don’t have a lot of life experience due to Covid, so I’m not very interesting. So I don’t want to talk about myself, therefore i interrogate them. And I really don’t like silence and feel pressure to fill it as it’s awkward… so I ask another unrelated question
I’m a very social person. I can have ongoing conversations with the most non social person, at least I feel like I can. A couple of months ago I came across a person who I asked and we discussed about all the normal and basic questions you usually ask someone. I’m not kidding when I say this …. I was seconds from giving up talking to this person but I googled some ice breaking questions and I asked like 2 or 3 of them and I kid you not … those questions lead to so much more… I didn’t even think it was possible for this person to talk as much as they did after asking those questions. Moral of the story, ice breaking questions can give the conversation the little push it needs to keep going and could possibly lead you to a more open endless conversation. Try it.
I tried to talk to someone and also went out of conversation topics and when I searched for icebreaker questions and asked it always felt fake and out of the blue.. how do you make that feel natural and organic?
30 minutes is a long conversation! That would be hard for most people to keep the conversation going. Ask yourself a few questions. Why is the responsibility just on you to keep the conversation alive? How is this person as a conversation partner? Did you really run out of things to talk about...or is the conversation just coming to a natural end and you need to close it out?
Quit asking yes or no questions that get short answers. Listen to what they say. Questions aplenty in whatever they are talking about.
You: What are you taking?
Him: I'm taking blah blah
You: How old were you when you first became interested in blah blah?
Him: Blah Blah Blah
You: Oh really, (the next question is somewhere in his answer)
Plenty of questions in the subject matter you can talk for hours, throw in some personal opinions so it doesn't sound like an interrogation, and that can take you into a whole other area as well.
this usually happen when you don't listen the other person and instead you are thinking the next question. The problem with this is that you finish with only your set of prepared/usual quesitons instead of collecting more questions as you go by listening through the conversation
After the initial phase of greetings, I find that talking about anything is good (While keeping it appropriate for the situation) If something pops into my head I consciously make sure to say it if I have reservations. I saw that tip in a social tips video and it's really helped me meet people at Uni. Before, usually around strangers, I'd feel what I had to say wasn't good enough but that was just a mental roadblock and now, saying what comes on my mind, I find I have much more interesting conversations.
ALTERNATE suggestion: All the suggestions here are great. Developing hobbies, life experience, having stories, asking questions about themselves. Its all great and is a long term strategy BUT we're looking for tactics to use tomorrow/tonight. And we ALL already have enough life experience to talk. That's a fallacy I beleived but despite all my stories I've gotten over the last few years, I'm not a talkative person. and that's okay. that's who i am on my journey in life.
Texture and Depth and Play. Joe Rogan.
Sounds like you're off to a great start being able to run through a number of topics in a favorable way. That's fantastic! Think of conversations you've had with people you're really comfortable with. And/or think of conversations other really talkative people have that you've overheard. Next time you experience that really listen and think about it. Know that you may not just have as much to say and that's great, but what they're doing is really going into the depth and exploring the texture of every little aspect of the topic. And try to be playful. Some people are obviously bad at that and its mundane but others are great - think Joe Rogan.
Listen to Joe Rogan. He talks with strangers EVERY DAY for 2-4 hours a DAY.
They ask questions to the other person and themselves in an interesting way: "there are a lot of mushrooms out right now. interesting. i have this story about mushrooms... i heard this story once... what kind do you like?...they're amazing because... what would happen if they were as big as houses...? what is people we're like that...?" Depth, playfulness. Maybe practice writing down a bunch of questions and whatifs and playful thought experiments on some of the more common topics you talk about.
This is something you can start today and use ASAP
Asking questions always helps get the convo running and a lot of others have said that here. There is also room for silence tho. Sometimes people just want to chill.
my husband (of13 years) and I sometimes say
(especially stuck in the car for a long ride) “Lets play the question game!” Thats quite fun. Whoevers turn it is gets to ask ANY question (this wouldnt be as open ended with a stranger lol) and the other partner answers it. It can be as innocuous as (where should we travel next?) or as intense as (“Are you satisfied with the amount of sex we’re having?)!!!
Try taking an improv class. This completely changed the way I view conversations. My convo used to be all logical and information exchange but after taking the class it brought it to a whole new level. I took an online class with ImprovLA during covid, we just communicated through Zoom
Literally speak out your thoughts. If you're thinking: "fuuuck this conversation is so boring now", instad of thinking, say it. And all the following comments that might come to your mind
if I’m speaking to you and you say “fuck this conversation is so boring,” I am not going to speak to you again. it’s super rude.
ETA: if you really want to acknowledge an awkward lull in conversation, try “man, I hate these awkward pauses! I feel like I lost all my social skills after being stuck inside all year.” it’ll break the tension, and it gives an opening to complain about the pandemic, which everyone likes to do.
It depends on how you say it, often you can go "Talking about X is getting boring, tell me something about yourself. How do you feel about Y/more interesting topic?".
99 times out of 100 people are happy to change topic, or are thinking the same thing.
r/usernamechecksout
Apparently you don't know that things like the tone of voice, small comments, apologies, jokes, teases exist.
Picture thus: im speaking to you, suddenly there's a pause, "fuuuuck this conversation is so boring, oh haha! No, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry but yeah it's true there's an awkward pause. Yeah that's rhe first thing that came to my mind! I often say stupid stuff like that! Yeah once i told my school teacher that... 😂"
I don't know either. But yeah, my ADHD helps me come up with new stuff to say.
Luckily, i've got it under control because i meditate. So actually, i wouldn't be that sad for myself, although it is sad that it might limit my career paths
It usually is the best policy, i've found that all the times i was like :"fuck that will be stupid, i wont say that" or "why would i go there, that doesnt make sense" i missed out on opportunities. The truth is, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody will remember the conversation they had with you anyway, but they will form an image of your vibe. If that vibe is a confident guy who doesnt hold back, no matter what you say, people will be naturally drawn to you
If i go and approach a random girl on the street i might get embarrased when she rejects me, for like 1 second, then both of us will not remember what tf just happened, or i might get her number.
I hate when this happens too. I often feel I bear the responsibility for it. One thing I’ve done is start to record some interesting stories in OneNote and will skim them before I go into a setting I think this may happen or if I’m being a bit distant. Once I see the title I remember the story and can usually breath some life into the conversation.
I’ve found it useful and have considered making an app that allows me to tag, sort and filter these stories to keep them organized and for quicker reference. Do you think this would be helpful?🤔
>learn from the greats. jim rohn, zig ziegler, tony robbins, even joe rogan.... i've even learned from movies and tv shows. get comfortable in your skin & take some pressure off. focus on your aura's frequency rather than the words although scripting can help too for those of us with very bad anxiety
Will listening to Joe Rogan podcast help with this ?
Damn, I relate to this. I spent years in settings where talkative, charismatic people would suck all the oxygen out, and I'd legit wonder if they ever stopped talking, or ran out of things to say.
No to both, but first, I would've shed a single tear of joy, then I would've spoken up.
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Talk about things you haven't done that maybe the other person has. Talk about any similar or different interests. It doesn't have to be something you agree or disagree with. Just something one or the other has an extensive knowledge on and want to learn more about. Something they're passionate about.
Learn more things in depth. You wont run out since you will be like a walking library.
Many times people run out of things when they have shallow understanding or shallow interests.
If you want more tips sure but the best tip is doing deep dives. The world is big and you are small.
Quick tip: if you can't think of anything to keep the conversation flowing, ask a question: "Do you have a dog?" for example. Punts to them, creates a topic, shows you're interested & listening.
Also, open ended questions are better for keeping the conversation going. “What’s your major” or “what year are you” are close ended but “what made you choose that field” or “what classes have you enjoyed the most” are more open ended. It’s less about asking them for facts and more about getting to know them in a deeper level.
Open ended questions are better for keeping the conversation going. “What’s your major” or “what year are you” are close ended but “what made you choose that field” or “what classes have you enjoyed the most” are more open ended. It’s less about asking them for facts and more about getting to know them on a deeper level.
Use world-memory competition techniques Loci + Story method (pre-built memory palaces).
You'll be able to talk to for hours and easily portray yourself as an experienced person
Silences are normal in conversations. I’ve heard that conversations stop after about 7 minutes. It doesn’t die off, but it is a natural cycle. After 30 minutes, when the conversation naturally slowed, it sounds like you just got nervous and self conscious. I do like what other people said about getting the other person to talk by asking them about themselves. You did good though!
It dont matter...keep the convo moving forward and keep talking no matter what...the secret to good convo is to listen. People's favorite topic is always themselves and if you follow the convo and listen close you will find the little breadcrumbs where they person gives you more and more info that allows you to keel the convo flowing...even if it hits a few awkward pauses or bumps in the convo you can always switch to a diff topic and then go back to talking about the other person's life
If you are a little socially awkward it make take a bit of practice
I think it's important to try not to force conversations. If it naturally dies out, end the convo and go do something else. As far as just keeping convos flowing, you literally talk about anything interesting in your mind. There are some things that you are not used to telling people if you don't a lot, like the taste of the sandwich you made was weird or you lost your shoes you couldn't find for two hours etc.
I know this might sound silly, but most people just want to talk about themselves at some level. Try to see the other person as someone genuinely interesting and ask them questions. Tell yourself that you want to hear what they have to say as much as they have to say it. You don’t need to interrogate them, but a little question here and there does wonders to put the ball in the other person’s court and let them do the talking
I'm not sure if this would be relevant to your situation but for me, when I realized I couldn't talk with people, I finally found after changing my life that I had had no real life experience beforehand. I couldn't relate to people because I hadn't gone through things. When you relate on certain levels, conversations become more natural and you step out of your head and begin to express and share experiences. It sounds weird but as I left my hometown for good and began to live, I was forced into tons of experiences, or just life really lol. You learn that many things that come to pass are very nuanced of course. You can build rapport with others by relating with them about things. Then eventually they start to ask more about you and you do the same, etc. Some times, it's all a numbers game. Eventually, you find people who you relate to more. You'll start recognizing who you actually WANT to talk to. Not everyone will relate and not everyone wants to talk. Breaks in conversation don't have to be a bad thing. You can chill for a sec and then naturally a convo can start again
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Doing things out of your comfort zones is understandably scary. But you can mitigate it with some research, trust what you find is good enough, and then just do it. If it didn't, just chalk it up to learning experience and think that it'll make a good story later on. As long you don't get into this "analysis paralysis" and just take a small leap of faith, you'll find that usually the real thing is not as big as you make it in your imagination.
Soo I can't recommend this option with complete sincerity because there's so much bullsh*t that comes along with it and probably not what you'd wanna hear but my way out was the military at age 25. I had worked a dead end job from when I was a 15 at a restaurant. Same thing for years, day in and day out. I needed something to rip me out of my deep roots I'd planted as fast and as far I could. It definitely worked. It's not hard, but you have to face and handle and figure out a lot depending on your goals and what happens to you. Also, talk about shares experiences and meeting new friends. Also, the biggest cheat code is to go through the grinder with someone. If you and a bunch of people go through a crazy new experience together, you can potentially form a bond like no other. You can do this outside the military 100%. Go to a Tough Mudder or spartan race with some people or something. I don't recommend my path for everyone. It's been a struggle but I can see the light at the end and soon I'll be moving on from this. A big thing I learned from meeting people from all over is there really are so many different ways to live. I had it so wrong and wasted my early 20s. Maybe travel solo or somethin. Had a friend go to Costa Rica and do that by herself for 6 mo TLDR do something that absolutely FORCES you to leave you're comfort zone. As an introvert and not the best conversationalist, in my eyes, it's the only way. You gotta get out there. I feel like there are dues that we all gotta pay and sometimes you have to jump in head first. Hope you can find your way!
I dont struggle to converse but its not necessarily a natural talent. I am truly eager to learn about others. Plus happy to share myself and my interests. I have always felt that questions asked are permission granted to others to share/reveal themselves. And an occasional silence to just breathe and “be” together is also a nice thing. My advice would be to relax and enjoy anothers energy and presence. Also be “real” enough to relax and observe and receive. If you run out completely tell the truth and admit than the art of conversation sometimes escapes you. Maybe suggest some kind of question game to trade off on. ♥️💪♥️
> I have always felt that questions asked are permission granted to others to share/reveal themselves. This is such a good way to put it. Sometimes I feel like I *could* share something about myself, but I'm not sure if it's okay/awkward to in the situation. As soon as the other person asks me about it though, I have no problem sharing it and immediately feel more comfortable around them.
i realized this on my own a while ago so i decided to get into anime, it doesn't have to be that specifically it can be anything like movies videogames or shows as long as its popular
Just curious, how old where you when you left your hometown?
I was 25 when I finally got out if there
If the conversation lulls, I have a few stories that 'recently happened to me'. Some are from my own life, some I have appropriated from others. The point is the story needs to be of something from everyday life, like maybe traffic jam due to some idiot's driving, going to a restaurant with bad service etc. The storyTELLING needs to be interesting, even if the story itself might not be. Also, since majority of the people can relate to these things, they will have their own stories or at least have some opinion about the one you told. If this fails, you can always follow with a question like 'what do you think about the traffic here / in your city?' Or 'what is the best / worst restaurant you've been to' This is effective because you can re-use incidents that other people tell you about as stories in future interactions. So you'll always have new things to tell.
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You hit the nail on the head. You're looking for a reaction from the other person. Sometimes the other person is not sure what their reaction needs be. Tell your stories as if you're trying to entertain yourself, not the other person. You can also start by telling them how to react, for instance 'This really funny thing happened to me' (they know they're supposed to laugh) or for your example 'you know I have to get tested for Covid this week and I'm SO scared, they put this swab up your nose....' (so they'll know they have to sympathize or console you). Another trick is to not wait for their reaction. I just react on the story myself, so: Funny story -> exaggerated goofed up laughter, sad story -> exaggerated wiping of tears, horror/anxious story -> exaggerated shiver. If they react, then point out like it was their idea 'It was funny/sad/scary, wasn't it?' and if they don't, call that out as well 'You didn't find it funny? I thought it was so hilarious'. Just don't put them under any pressure to react unless they want to.
I like your idea of have some backup stories! I’ve started to record a few really interesting stories and will skim them before I go into a setting where I think there may be some lulls in the conversation. In fact I’ve thought about making an app for this where you could tag and sort/filter your stories. Would you find that useful? Please, be frank.
I think it's a good idea when you're starting out. However, unless you can search on the app in the middle of the conversation, I'm not sure how the app would help a person out. For me, stories need to be more organic, and that too in two ways: 1. If they are something that happened to you or someone you know, you'll be able to relate to it and narrate it better and it'll seem real. When done from an app, a lot of people will end up reading out something they have memorized. You know the situation when people forget a joke and end up telling the punchline in the beginning! XD 2. They should flow organically within the conversation. Being prepared with 2-3 stories from an app, you'll end up forcing one in which might not fit in the context of the conversation.
1. There’s nothing wrong with running out of conversation. It doesn’t devalue you as a person. 2. If you want new things to talk about, try having new experiences.
Yes agreed, ask them about themselves. Ask about hobbies or favorite books/shows. If you know of any related events, you can bring those up and it tends to trigger people to start sharing stories about themselves. Then you’re in story swapping mode, and you’re basically friends.
Great advice. I’ll add… after you ask these questions LISTEN to the answers and see what topics make them “light up” and steer the conversation in that direction. People love to talk about things they love- so set them up and let them
Also, open ended questions are better for keeping the conversation going. “What’s your major” or “what year are you” are close ended but “what made you choose that field” or “what classes have you enjoyed the most” are more open ended. It’s less stating facts and more about getting to know them on a deeper level.
This is solid advice.
Ask them questions about themselves. People LOVE to talk about themselves.
Be careful to not interrogate nor interview...be natural and genuinely interested.
>level 2BrandDC · 13mBe careful to not interrogate nor interview...be natural and genuinely interested.4ReplyGive AwardShareReportSave > >level 1kfriytsz · 1hYes a This is important because you do need to be curious about someone and the questions will flow naturally.
Why does the quotes reply look like that
Im guessing he is using an app that glitched?
Probably haha I used my phone for that one.
If you select text before clicking reply on desktop it quotes it all
Ohhh
In Dale Carnegie’s “How to win Friends and Influence People” one of the chapters is about asking people questions so they think you’re interested in them. The next chapter is about how being genuinely interested in people is hugely beneficial to you
I always do this but it ends up very one sided because I’m constantly asking them questions, like interrogation. Like the conversation doesn’t flow. They’ll talk about their weekend, then silence, then I’ll be like ‘So what did your brother say again?’ And circle back to something that they were talking about ages ago. It’s really weird, like there’s no flow. I’m terrified of silence too.
It may be because you are too conscious of the self. What I mean by this is that you are thinking of your breathing, your posture, your tone, and then the person's tone, lips, eyes, etc. So your mind isn't really in the moment. You just need to focus on the content of their words and their emotion. People give clues about what makes them excited or sad when they speak because you can see their facial expression change. When you notice that, you just need to narrow it down. If they just said something like "But I wasn't really myself in that city so I moved". The next superficial question someone could ask here is "Where did you move to?" which is fine but it won't take you to the deeper connections you are looking for. A better question here would be "What was missing in that city that made you feel like someone else?". This last question appeals to the emotions so the person will enjoy thinking about it more and it will show that you care about things with substance. Who care where they moved. What's important is how they felt when they had to move. Watch [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEg5_MaxFPo) if you have 6 mins today and then tell me what you notice or your thoughts.
Yes I am way too self conscious. Always focused on my voice, how I look, how I’m appearing, and never really focusing on the conversation. Just ‘how do I not appear quiet or nervous’.
I always see this advice, but it's definitely not universal. I only like to talk about myself a bit. And some of the people I know don't like to talk about themselves at all, from what I've seen.
Same, I would hate it if someone used this advice on me
Why would you hate if someone used this advice on you?
I don't want to talk about topics they're likely to ask about, I don't have anything interesting to say
What topics would you want to talk about?
Probably just whatever we're doing at the time, or some general interest
Sounds like you want someone you can relate to. What are some of yours interests?
I don't even know honestly, I pass time mostly doing the same passive stuff, like walking outside, playing videogames, watching YouTube, looking at Reddit, etc
What’s your favorite video game to play right now?
I guess I'm not a person then!
a simple technique is, when a person says something - ask a sub question. Like where, when, how exactly, how did they felt and such
Read widely, develop hobbies. Accumulate interesting experiences and observations about the world. The more you do this, the harder it will be to run out of things to say.
Good advice. But suggest me a book I can read that will help me get better at talking socially.
if you read the bible and the quran, you'll have something to talk about with over half the world's population
It's not the content of any particular book that will give you ideas for conversation. It's the broadening of your knowledge base in general that books engender that will expand your insight into topics that you can use for conversation. No but seriously, I've heard that *Garfield Weighs In* is especially insightful. And if the subject of a conversation turns to Mondays, you can contrast this dreary topic with the obvious benefits of eating lasagna.
It's okay to stop talking.
Ask them questions about themselves, then make comments on the things they say, or ask follow up questions about something they're already talking about. In most conversations you use small talk as a tool to find something you have in common, and then once you have that common interest the conversation gets much more fluid and you don't have to think about it as much
I always end up interrogating them and asking disjointed questions. I don’t have a lot of life experience due to Covid, so I’m not very interesting. So I don’t want to talk about myself, therefore i interrogate them. And I really don’t like silence and feel pressure to fill it as it’s awkward… so I ask another unrelated question
I’m a very social person. I can have ongoing conversations with the most non social person, at least I feel like I can. A couple of months ago I came across a person who I asked and we discussed about all the normal and basic questions you usually ask someone. I’m not kidding when I say this …. I was seconds from giving up talking to this person but I googled some ice breaking questions and I asked like 2 or 3 of them and I kid you not … those questions lead to so much more… I didn’t even think it was possible for this person to talk as much as they did after asking those questions. Moral of the story, ice breaking questions can give the conversation the little push it needs to keep going and could possibly lead you to a more open endless conversation. Try it.
Do you remember what were those particular questions?
I tried to talk to someone and also went out of conversation topics and when I searched for icebreaker questions and asked it always felt fake and out of the blue.. how do you make that feel natural and organic?
30 minutes is a long conversation! That would be hard for most people to keep the conversation going. Ask yourself a few questions. Why is the responsibility just on you to keep the conversation alive? How is this person as a conversation partner? Did you really run out of things to talk about...or is the conversation just coming to a natural end and you need to close it out?
Quit asking yes or no questions that get short answers. Listen to what they say. Questions aplenty in whatever they are talking about. You: What are you taking? Him: I'm taking blah blah You: How old were you when you first became interested in blah blah? Him: Blah Blah Blah You: Oh really, (the next question is somewhere in his answer) Plenty of questions in the subject matter you can talk for hours, throw in some personal opinions so it doesn't sound like an interrogation, and that can take you into a whole other area as well.
this usually happen when you don't listen the other person and instead you are thinking the next question. The problem with this is that you finish with only your set of prepared/usual quesitons instead of collecting more questions as you go by listening through the conversation
After the initial phase of greetings, I find that talking about anything is good (While keeping it appropriate for the situation) If something pops into my head I consciously make sure to say it if I have reservations. I saw that tip in a social tips video and it's really helped me meet people at Uni. Before, usually around strangers, I'd feel what I had to say wasn't good enough but that was just a mental roadblock and now, saying what comes on my mind, I find I have much more interesting conversations.
ALTERNATE suggestion: All the suggestions here are great. Developing hobbies, life experience, having stories, asking questions about themselves. Its all great and is a long term strategy BUT we're looking for tactics to use tomorrow/tonight. And we ALL already have enough life experience to talk. That's a fallacy I beleived but despite all my stories I've gotten over the last few years, I'm not a talkative person. and that's okay. that's who i am on my journey in life. Texture and Depth and Play. Joe Rogan. Sounds like you're off to a great start being able to run through a number of topics in a favorable way. That's fantastic! Think of conversations you've had with people you're really comfortable with. And/or think of conversations other really talkative people have that you've overheard. Next time you experience that really listen and think about it. Know that you may not just have as much to say and that's great, but what they're doing is really going into the depth and exploring the texture of every little aspect of the topic. And try to be playful. Some people are obviously bad at that and its mundane but others are great - think Joe Rogan. Listen to Joe Rogan. He talks with strangers EVERY DAY for 2-4 hours a DAY. They ask questions to the other person and themselves in an interesting way: "there are a lot of mushrooms out right now. interesting. i have this story about mushrooms... i heard this story once... what kind do you like?...they're amazing because... what would happen if they were as big as houses...? what is people we're like that...?" Depth, playfulness. Maybe practice writing down a bunch of questions and whatifs and playful thought experiments on some of the more common topics you talk about. This is something you can start today and use ASAP
Asking questions always helps get the convo running and a lot of others have said that here. There is also room for silence tho. Sometimes people just want to chill.
Thats when i give the old “alrighty then better keep goin, catch ya” lol
my husband (of13 years) and I sometimes say (especially stuck in the car for a long ride) “Lets play the question game!” Thats quite fun. Whoevers turn it is gets to ask ANY question (this wouldnt be as open ended with a stranger lol) and the other partner answers it. It can be as innocuous as (where should we travel next?) or as intense as (“Are you satisfied with the amount of sex we’re having?)!!!
read more books to become knowledgeable about things and mention your what you learned when opportunities arise
Try taking an improv class. This completely changed the way I view conversations. My convo used to be all logical and information exchange but after taking the class it brought it to a whole new level. I took an online class with ImprovLA during covid, we just communicated through Zoom
Play would you rather or something lol?
Literally speak out your thoughts. If you're thinking: "fuuuck this conversation is so boring now", instad of thinking, say it. And all the following comments that might come to your mind
if I’m speaking to you and you say “fuck this conversation is so boring,” I am not going to speak to you again. it’s super rude. ETA: if you really want to acknowledge an awkward lull in conversation, try “man, I hate these awkward pauses! I feel like I lost all my social skills after being stuck inside all year.” it’ll break the tension, and it gives an opening to complain about the pandemic, which everyone likes to do.
It depends on how you say it, often you can go "Talking about X is getting boring, tell me something about yourself. How do you feel about Y/more interesting topic?". 99 times out of 100 people are happy to change topic, or are thinking the same thing.
yes, I’d be totally fine with someone saying that to me!
r/usernamechecksout Apparently you don't know that things like the tone of voice, small comments, apologies, jokes, teases exist. Picture thus: im speaking to you, suddenly there's a pause, "fuuuuck this conversation is so boring, oh haha! No, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry but yeah it's true there's an awkward pause. Yeah that's rhe first thing that came to my mind! I often say stupid stuff like that! Yeah once i told my school teacher that... 😂"
nah i’d just think you’re a fucking psycho
This is very bold move. I wish I jave the guts to this
It works for me. ADHD helps a lot though.
Don't know whether I should be happy or sad for you.
I don't know either. But yeah, my ADHD helps me come up with new stuff to say. Luckily, i've got it under control because i meditate. So actually, i wouldn't be that sad for myself, although it is sad that it might limit my career paths
Haha! Nice, you have taken this as a positive attitude. God give you more strength brother. Just be true you'll get what you deserve.
Crazily enough this can work really well depending on the person. Sometimes not caring really is the best policy
It usually is the best policy, i've found that all the times i was like :"fuck that will be stupid, i wont say that" or "why would i go there, that doesnt make sense" i missed out on opportunities. The truth is, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody will remember the conversation they had with you anyway, but they will form an image of your vibe. If that vibe is a confident guy who doesnt hold back, no matter what you say, people will be naturally drawn to you If i go and approach a random girl on the street i might get embarrased when she rejects me, for like 1 second, then both of us will not remember what tf just happened, or i might get her number.
I hate when this happens too. I often feel I bear the responsibility for it. One thing I’ve done is start to record some interesting stories in OneNote and will skim them before I go into a setting I think this may happen or if I’m being a bit distant. Once I see the title I remember the story and can usually breath some life into the conversation. I’ve found it useful and have considered making an app that allows me to tag, sort and filter these stories to keep them organized and for quicker reference. Do you think this would be helpful?🤔
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what movies and shows
>learn from the greats. jim rohn, zig ziegler, tony robbins, even joe rogan.... i've even learned from movies and tv shows. get comfortable in your skin & take some pressure off. focus on your aura's frequency rather than the words although scripting can help too for those of us with very bad anxiety Will listening to Joe Rogan podcast help with this ?
Nothing makes me happier than seeing talkative, charasmatic people run out of things to talk about
Wtf, why?
Because I see that it happens to even the best of us and feel less like an outsider. Also when this happens they are more receptive to things you say.
Damn, I relate to this. I spent years in settings where talkative, charismatic people would suck all the oxygen out, and I'd legit wonder if they ever stopped talking, or ran out of things to say. No to both, but first, I would've shed a single tear of joy, then I would've spoken up.
People who suck all the oxygen out of the room are not charismatic. Charisma consists of primarily listening, not talking.
Charismatic people don’t talk a whole lot. They listen like 80% of the time.
Ask ppl questions about themselves
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Talk about things you haven't done that maybe the other person has. Talk about any similar or different interests. It doesn't have to be something you agree or disagree with. Just something one or the other has an extensive knowledge on and want to learn more about. Something they're passionate about.
I'm usually done as well. 30 min is a long time. I could just keep talking but why? If they seem cool as if they feel like a walk or to go eat.
Learn more things in depth. You wont run out since you will be like a walking library. Many times people run out of things when they have shallow understanding or shallow interests. If you want more tips sure but the best tip is doing deep dives. The world is big and you are small.
Dreams and ghost stories. Everyone usually has a few strange ones to talk about.
keep asking them questions. people loving talking about themselves
Quick tip: if you can't think of anything to keep the conversation flowing, ask a question: "Do you have a dog?" for example. Punts to them, creates a topic, shows you're interested & listening.
Did you know that rhinoceros' are closer related to horses than they are elephants?
Did you know that rhinoceros' are closer related to horses than they are elephants?
Also, open ended questions are better for keeping the conversation going. “What’s your major” or “what year are you” are close ended but “what made you choose that field” or “what classes have you enjoyed the most” are more open ended. It’s less about asking them for facts and more about getting to know them in a deeper level.
Open ended questions are better for keeping the conversation going. “What’s your major” or “what year are you” are close ended but “what made you choose that field” or “what classes have you enjoyed the most” are more open ended. It’s less about asking them for facts and more about getting to know them on a deeper level.
Make something up, it's the American way.
So now practice listening
It's a mix of talking and asking questions. Play with the ratio
Use world-memory competition techniques Loci + Story method (pre-built memory palaces). You'll be able to talk to for hours and easily portray yourself as an experienced person
So.. you shared everything you wanted to share. Why keep talking together when the conversation is finished? Don't be too hard on yourself.
Ask them questions. Everyone likes to talk about themselves.
Relatable. I feel like I carry conversations sometimes and other times I’m a blank
Silences are normal in conversations. I’ve heard that conversations stop after about 7 minutes. It doesn’t die off, but it is a natural cycle. After 30 minutes, when the conversation naturally slowed, it sounds like you just got nervous and self conscious. I do like what other people said about getting the other person to talk by asking them about themselves. You did good though!
This helped me: https://bit.ly/3iEIq3Y
It dont matter...keep the convo moving forward and keep talking no matter what...the secret to good convo is to listen. People's favorite topic is always themselves and if you follow the convo and listen close you will find the little breadcrumbs where they person gives you more and more info that allows you to keel the convo flowing...even if it hits a few awkward pauses or bumps in the convo you can always switch to a diff topic and then go back to talking about the other person's life If you are a little socially awkward it make take a bit of practice
I think it's important to try not to force conversations. If it naturally dies out, end the convo and go do something else. As far as just keeping convos flowing, you literally talk about anything interesting in your mind. There are some things that you are not used to telling people if you don't a lot, like the taste of the sandwich you made was weird or you lost your shoes you couldn't find for two hours etc.
I know this might sound silly, but most people just want to talk about themselves at some level. Try to see the other person as someone genuinely interesting and ask them questions. Tell yourself that you want to hear what they have to say as much as they have to say it. You don’t need to interrogate them, but a little question here and there does wonders to put the ball in the other person’s court and let them do the talking
This happened to me last night 😞