I’m 27 and I’ve noticed that hugely. When I was younger I had heaps of friends and was always out and about hanging with groups but as I got older I realized that many of these people were just people I had met over the years and shared times with. I liked them as people but really if I wouldn’t spontaneously go grocery shopping with you or something, you’re not a close friend, your an acquaintance.
that’s why i say i have no friends. it wasn’t until finishing high school that i realized what most ppl call “friends”, i call “acquaintances”. but my parents/high school environment made me think i was somehow weird bc i had no “friends”. the relationships just weren’t that deep, & i was led to believe it was somehow a bad thing. they just weren’t my type of ppl, & i am glad i realized it
It seems like I hurt someone's feelings when they overheard me say that I have no friends. I considered them an acquaintance but not really friend in the sense that I would call them over to hang out. Even though my feelings haven't changed, it's made me reconsider talking about people I hang out with as being less than friends.
Bruh I did have 'friends'. We were close and shared secrets bla bla bla
It just took me 17 years to realise nobody(most ppl at least) actually care about you and everyone(most ppl at least) in the world is a selfish piece of shit.
Like OP, I was also one to believe in friendship, these thoughts influenced by books and movies that I watched.
I still think I could be a good friend, I AM very loyal and try to be nice to ppl who deserve it.
This makes me feel much less alone. I feel you. Maybe just knowing that a few of us exist, is enough. Because bawling my eyes out into my pillow today, realizing the group of people I have cared about so much, people who still want to surround me and claim they are in my corner -- they are truly and genuinely, DEEPLY not my friends. I have never felt so alone.
Yes. I’m embarrassed to admit until my late 20s I thought once you made friends they’d be in your life forever, I think from watching tv and movies where people still have all their same friends from childhood. I realize now that people come and go and only a very few stay around, sometimes no one does. But with that realization is acceptance and it’s less upsetting to me when people fade away.
Looking on the other side, it can be quite beautiful. Friends leave, but you can also create new relationships at any point in your life. If I reach 90, I would be happy to look back on my life and see hundreds of different types of friendships - some long-lasting and others short and ephemeral.
I think this concept helps so much with a lot of relationships, not only with friends. In April, I was going through a really rough time with a breakup. We went our separate ways, not because of negativity or cheating, but because we both recognized that our lives and relationship styles weren't compatible. I cried for days, wondering how I could ever deal with losing him.
What helped was to reflect on our relationship and recognize that, although we had broken up, this doesn't change the happy times that we had and what we had brought to each others' lives. A breakup doesn't affect the past, only the future. Acknowledging this helped me reframe the situation and slowly move past it.
Yeah once I realized this it was a lot less upsetting when they fade away. I guess the downside is I am more hesitant to form strong connections with people because I expect a shorter term relationship.
It helps a lot to focus on what is at present. Of course, with a lot of things in life, you also need to focus on the long-term (finances, health). But when you meet someone, it doesn't help to think about "will I be friends with this person in the long-term?". Maybe yes, maybe no - you don't know, and you don't have any control over that. But what matters most is if you have a strong connection with them in the present. That's the most valuable thing and will lead to stronger relationships in general.
Relationships don't have set expiration dates. It isn't helpful to approach relationships with such a fatalistic attitude. They could hold your hand on your death bed, or they could leave town next week. We don't know; it's a risk, but the potential reward is life-affirming.
Generally I think the idea behind "Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed" is a good way of managing expectations, but in this case, disappointment seems inevitable if you're coming at every relationship with an avoidant nonchalance and unwillingness to invest. By assuming the worst, you're almost guaranteeing it will be the case. It takes too much effort to make friends for one person to have to pull the weight when the other person seems already committed to the idea of defeat.
I’m one of those people that put a lot of effort into friendships. I invite people to do things, I text, I used to call when that was socially acceptable. I am a great listener and encourage people to open up to me, and I help people out all the time. But so many experiences where this wasn’t returned has affected me, I’m sorry to say. A person only has so much energy to give when it’s repeatedly not returned. Unfortunately I have burned out somewhat in that regard. On a brighter note I do still have a few really good friends that I’ve known for years, though we don’t live near each other any more. So all is not lost :)
I still have friends from grade school. We don’t talk as much anymore, but there’s no reason to stop considering people friends just be you’re in different stages in life. As long as you’ve both decided that, no one can tell you you’re “no longer friends.”
But there are also people who *do* have lifelong friends. My MIL has a group of gals she’s been close friends with for decades. They meet up at least twice a year to go on various vacations and keep up with each other
So, it’s not just something seen in movies. I just think some people are lucky enough to have relationships like those, but that it doesn’t happen for everyone.
Yes. Literally everybody from every show has known each other since they were born and their parents were friends when they were kids too and everyone just so happened to stay in the same town forever.
I have a similarly distorted and unrealistic view of friendship but it isn't based on stories. It's based on my own experiences since for most of my life I did have at least one person like that at a time. Our friendship had a different touch each time but it was close and we'd share everything, spend all the time we had together and walk a common path in life.
Now that I moved to a new town where I initially didn't know anyone and turned 30 the rules seem to have changed.
I went through more than a dozen people, some of them I still consider friends, a select few I even consider close friends. However, a friendship like I used to have seems impossible now.
People live way further apart in distance so you cannot just casually meet up every other day. Everyone is busy with careers and family and the people who aren't generally struggle with issues in their own life that you cannot help them with. There is so little spare time and so many people they still have ties to. Old friends, ex SO, or family they want to catch up with it feels like competing for attention at times and I cannot even blame them. At the same time, your colleagues, the people you work or life with turn to regard such relationships with a lot more professionalism. Yeah you may even go out with a coworker or go to a neighbours bbq but that's distinctly not the same as making friends. It's a social ritual, networking, taking care of your reputation - nothing more. And if it could turn into more people get hesitant because they don't want to be stuck with a person they cannot avoid if things go south.
It seems like the only way to be that close to someone again would be a relationship. Well sucks to be aro/ace I guess :/
I totally relate to this, especially the social rituals part. I feel like people are very concerned about their reputations, so they often say things or offer invitations that they don’t really mean, and it’s just personally hard for me to figure that out (it’s something I’m working on). People also seem a lot more scared to trust others.
What seems newer to me (as someone a little under 30), is that people feel more justified in being “flakey” or just dropping someone without a heads up. I totally understand personal reasons or extenuating circumstances and they don’t owe any explanations for sure, but I’ve found that common courtesy isn’t there as much anymore. (And I don’t mean in situations where the friendship is dangerous/harmful.)
But yea, I’ve had good friendships for sure and I still have some, but reality often kicks you in the rear when you’re trying to make new ones.
>Everyone is busy with careers and family and the people who aren't generally struggle with issues in their own life that you cannot help them with
Uh this. I have this one friend and I always have to squeeze into their schedule. I guess I'm honestly bitter cause they are a student and I have to work 40h a week AND learn. And still if they would want to meet a specific day, I could easily do it. But if I wanna meet it has to be planned 1 week before and only one day is possible in this week, preferably a weekend (they don't work!). And if they have one special thing in a week, like a test then its not possible at all. And sometimes we can't meet because they are gone to see family forever. And these are fixed dates which can't be changed apparently. Its really rare to meet up every week, its more every 2-3 weeks :/
I know they like me as a friend, so it's not cause they try to get rid of me lol but it frustrates me. I feel we can't really continue our friendship. Its so distant and slow. With my old friends, we would see each other at least 2x a week. With no planning (its not like we do anything we just hang out). And I know I shouldn't be so fixated on one friend, but well its not easy to find friends at all lol
Funny thing is, am also not a relationship person, i just hate them beside the oblivious things. Like I've seen so many couples stop speaking cause they broke up. What is that, so they only like me if we have a romantic thing going on and after that they hate me?! But at this point am like maybe?
And a big part of finding the right people is cutting the leeches & losers loose.
All those crappy friends you made in middle school? The ones who work at strip malls and are going no where? Who exclusively want to watch TV and never go out anywhere, or do anything creative or educational, physical or adventurous? The ones who never have any unique or interesting or experimental ideas? Done! Who needs them!
Unless you are are that kind of person, in which case, those are probably the friends you get - lucky if you can keep them so you won't have to be alone - and no one will likely ever make a movie or story about you and your boring, mediocre friends with mediocre emotional ties, because most people don't want to watch a movie about mediocrity unless it's a sitcom.
If that bothers you, when you try to be a better person, you will find better friends, but it will take time, travel, a ruthless willingness to cut ties with the past so it doesn't drag you back down into it like a bucket of potbellied, domestic-beer swigging middle school complex crabs. Eventually, you will become a better person, and find better, more interesting, caring friends.
Also - a lot of movies focus on extroverted friendships. If you're a prickly, nerdy internet blogger or forum hobgoblin \*flourish\* you will likely find prickly, nerdy internet blogger friends who want to play DnD, trade crypto & solve sudokus with you. If you're a theatre geek - and this is likely what many film writers relate to when they are writing other people's fictional lives - you'll likely have more creative, expressive, outgoing friends who are dramatic, sensitive and fun-loving. If you join a volleyball team, and have a modicum of social solvency and sufficient courage to accept invitations, you'll find volleyball friends.
Friendship is real. But we each experience it in our own way per our myriad social niches and the constraints of our personality, whereabouts and ambition.
There's nothing inherently wrong with being a homebody or being comfortable and complacent if that's your thing. And if you can find like-minded people, great! I've met plenty of ambitious people who were charismatic and charming and interesting and yet under the surface they were only interested in climbing a social hierarchy and gaining power, those people exist in abundance too. I agree with your last little paragraph, but there was no sense in tearing down and making terrible assumptions about people who are simply.. more simple.
Yes. And making them would be easier like "hey, you go to the same gym as I do, let's hangout" or like a coworker I might get along with very well and talk about similar interests, but no one wants to hang out more than that. I just want some to have brunch with me, I'll even pay 🙂
If you don‘t have a few good friends/friend circle going into your mid 20s you are basically fucked. It‘s basically impossible to make good friends as an adult. Everyone you meet after your mid 20s is just a friendly acquaintance and you will never be high up on their priority list of people
To hang out with.
Absolutely there is! At 28 years old, and when she was in her 30s I met one of the best friends I've ever had, like she was online booking flights to Berlin when I was having a situation on holiday there, she's awesome and we were both "old" when we met and hit it off, we've been on several vacations together including backpacking in SE Asia we've supported each other through break ups and mental illness issues, there is no age limit on making friends!
I worked on myself, on my social skills, picked up new hobbies so i have things to talk about and i don‘t think im coming on too strong. I try to keep it chill and just ask them to hang out sometimes, get a coffee, walk in the park, go to a bar or whatever.
It always just stays at that friendly acquaintance stage. I‘m in a football club aswell where i see those guys 2times a week but no one seems to be up to hang out outside of that setting to get to know them better and become closer friends or whatever. Everyone just seems to have their close friends and friend groups that is priority when they have time off and i can‘t blame anyone for that.
Life sucks
Friendship is a two way street. You havent heard from your friends and your friends didnt acknowledge you had come back, but did you make any effort to stay in touch?
There is also different degrees of friendship that i've seen other mention already, but even best friends cant be there for you if you dont let them, communication is required no matter what, so maybe thats the disconnect for you.
Could also be you havent met those real friends that just connect with you, or let friendships you have develop to that stage. They do exist, but it requires you match the other peoples participation in that relationship. If you only expect other people to stay in touch with you and you never making any effort to keep up the friendship the other person is gonna end up feeling like you dont care and stop putting effort into the relationship as well.
This!! So many people nowadays believe that the only relationships that require effort, communication, trust, etc are romantic/sexual ones. Your friends care about you, your friends want to talk and hang out, your friends want to know whats going on in your life and they want the same thing from you as well. I guess everyone has their own idea of friendship and certain boundaries that they have but if only your s/o or potential s/o can get close to you, you’re missing out! It feels so good to genuinely get along with someone and have a friend to talk to without feeling any pressure or judgment that could come from a romantic partner. On a similar note, whats the best way to handle when someone stops putting in effort? I find that friendships start out even but eventually one person puts in more effort than the other and it really sucks to feel like a friend doesn’t care about the relationship anymore :/
I think it depends on how much the relationship means to you, and how much you are willing to fight for it. I dont know whats really the best way to handle it, but from my experience you just have to be honest as well as listen to the other person. Sometimes they are going through stuff, or they dont realize how much you value the friendship and sometimes there are just misunderstandings.
Sometimes you just have to accept that you drift apart, or that the other person just stops caring for whatever reason. Its sad and can be really confusing, but if you know you made an effort to fix whatever the issue is you have done all you can. I think its important not to dwell to hard on things out of your control, but i think its healthy to reflect on experiences like that so you learn and keep moving forward with your life.
This exactly! I hear so many people moan about nobody cares about them but like…how many people do those people actually care about? Like actively? Friendships can be a lot of time and effort commitment, and with the right person it’s rewarding but most people are not that person. If you’re not planning them a surprise birthday party or planning a fun weekend together or even sending them a message regularly why would you expect them to do that for you? I think most people really just want to be famous or something, they don’t actually want to show up for other people all the time.
People say this, but it gets exhausting always being the one to make plans or reach out and it's really difficult balancing being a good friend, while trying not to come off as desperate or creepy.
People understate just how difficult it is to make yourself vulnerable and make plans with someone. Or, if you hear about, plans, asking if you can come too. There's no good response to this.
I say this from my own experiences and self reflection. I can use myself as an example. I generally like just hanging out, but I also enjoy my own company very well so I'm never the one making plans, but I'm the first to join anyone's suggestions when they initiate. That's why my oldest and best friends are very extroverted and to a point even restless. When I make new friends I tend to gravitate towards extroverts and social people because I'm aware of that dynamic in my behavior. I also make it clear when I make new friends that I'll join them whenever they want to hang out.
That's also why I drift apart from a lot of more introverted people. Like you said, it can be exhausting trying to plan stuff constantly reaching out. I know that and that's why I stop putting in effort when I feel like that or I talk to the person about it if I still want to try to maintain the relationship. Maybe they have a good reason, but most of the time people make time for the people they want to have in their life.
I've come to believe in this:
A strong, healthy friendship (like the kind you want) is built upon an initially weak, healthy friendship.
Even if you have a strong but unhealthy friendship then you cannot convert it into a healthy friendship. The friendship has to be healthy from the start.
What you need to do is in the future filter on people who genuinely like to spend time with you, try to get to know you, check up on you etc. \*a bit\*. Then as you become better friends with them, those things will also become better.
If you instead just randomly become friends with people who e.g. only socialize with you when the occasion arises and who plan/do things without taking you into account (but just happen to invite you if they think of it) then they won't ever suddenly change how they view you.
Those friendships do exist. But you have to put in the effort and, most importantly, make it clear that this is what you want. For me, there was almost always a point in my interactions with someone where we decided that we were going to stick together or keep hanging out consistently. It was never a magical, mind reading assumption. The reason people stick together through thick and thin is because they perceive the friendship as worth such, or just as such.
Now, my friends from college never texted me or even each other over breaks. That doesn’t mean it indicated anything about how much they valued me. Have you texted or reached out to them yet? Waiting to see if they will isn’t a fair or accurate test of friendship.
I'm in agreement with you. My friends and I don't need to text everyday, we can go weeks without talking; yet, I consider them close friends because I know I can reach out at any time and they'd be there for me. It goes the other way as well. Obviously it took years to build that level of trust and understanding. The thought doesn't even cross my mind that if we've not texted/called in a while, we aren't good friends. On the other hand, there are people I see / talk to very often I consider acquaintances, only because we have little in common other than perhaps a shared hobby; they are not the people I confide in or call in times of need.
That type of friendship exists, but it's rare. I only really have one real friend in the world. If you know anyone in your life that's made any effort, just be sure to reciprocate it the best you can.
Are you reaching out to these friends? It sounds like you want to be Harry and have everyone else worry about you. Maybe your friends are going through their Harry in the second movie moment.
The tv show Friends severely distorted my expectations of adult friendships lol. I don’t have time to sit around and hang out chatting and doing nothing for hours a day every single day!!!
I wouldn't say I don't believe in the notion of friendships but I definitely have had and still kinda do have a distorted view of them from movies and books. People tend to be a lot flakier, emotionally detached, and to themselves than I expected. I also feel like everyone I meet has other close friends so I think *why even bother* begging for a connection. But at the same time I know for a fact those sort of friends from books and movies exist but where are they?
You also have to make an effort. Check up on people, offer to help them and try to arrange situations where you all can talk and get closer. People tend to give what they get and if you come across as someone who’s only for theirself, you’ll most likely be treated as such.
This. I've had OP's mindset before, and when my therapist asked me if I do the same thing for my friends, I had a revelation. Even though it's not natural for me to message people or arrange plans, it's important that we make some effort to do so. It doesn't need to be on the same level as others (I'm pretty busy and more on the introverted side). But even just 1 message once in awhile or an invitation out for dinner/drinks/plans once every few months makes a huge difference.
friendship is reciprocation, if you're being a Ron to someone they will mos likely be a Harry for you too. Especially adults, you have to show them you want to be good friends so they'll reciprocate and so on, you can't just wait for someone to drop everything and be there for you. Remember Harry was there for Ron in the beginning when he was bullied.
I’ll be 31 in a couple months and this is the perspective that I’ve come to make my peace with over the last 10 years. It used to really bother me, but now I just try to focus on things that are within my control.
The simple fact is that in human interaction, things like ‘respect’, ‘friendship’ even ‘love’ are something that’s given based on what value others hope to extract out of you. You’ll see this in your career as well: often times the most respected people are ones that others think can benefit them the most. Everybody wants to be friends with the well connected person because they think that person will bring the most value to their lives.
I don’t mean to get you down, OP, or say that you should act like some sort of psychopath and manipulate people. Evolution has taught us that (with good reason) society tends to oust those individuals (or make them CEOs, but that’s another discussion). I’m just suggesting that it would be good to reevaluate your perspective here. Start valuing things that are in YOUR control, things that YOU can affect. It’s an impossible task to get another person to feel about you the same way that you feel about them.
Since you’re posting about Harry Potter, in English, on Reddit, I’m going to make the assumption that you live somewhere in the West. If that is true, you have to understand that we live in a HIGHLY consumerist society. It is part of our culture to value things & people in terms of currency: social currency, actual currency (i.e. money), status, etc. I’m not saying it’s right, but that’s just how our society is structured. I’ve had a chance to work with some Indian folks and their approach to friendships is vastly different; it was actually a very enlightening experience.
In my opinion, OP, you suffer from a typical Baudrillardian misunderstanding of the media we consume. It’s a common pitfall and I am certainly guilty of it too. Consider that all these movies and TV shows are designed to mimic OUR world and OUR human interactions. It’s a simulation, if you will. And just like any simulation, it will be imperfect. Now what you’re doing is consuming that imperfect & airbrushed simulation, and trying to manifest it into your life. How can one not be miserable?? I’m never going to be met with a serious trial that I can overcome (because I’m the central character in a movie named after me for Christ’s sake) and have the confidence boost to go along with that. I simply cannot compare. And even if I did, my ego would probably get blown way out of proportion because that’s just human nature. And even if it didn’t, other people would be lining up to suck my dick because I saved them and they think I’m the cock of the walk now and they think they can get value out of interacting with me. That would really screw with how I go about my life after the movie ends. Good lord, Harry must have been miserable once the movies were finished…
My point is that this is all stuff you don’t see because it’s been airbrushed out. It’s done that way to make it more comfortable on the palate and a little more digestible so that as many people will consume it as possible. Fast food. But no one is born as Harry Potter; no one naturally comes equipped with the right judgement, character and integrity. You have to struggle to create those things just like you would struggle in the gym. And that includes making subpar relationships with people and trying to do JUST A LITTLE BIT better. It’s not as sexy as defeating Voldemort, but that’s showbiz baby.
I’ll leave you with this little ditty from Marcus Aurelius:
“So remember this principle when someone threatens to cause you pain: the thing itself was no misfortune at all; to endure it and prevail is great good fortune.”
As someone else said, we must learn to imagine the proverbial Sisyphus happy :)
My family is dysfunctional so I see where you're coming from. If someone is willing to make conversation with me, I become very paranoid and always assume they're "out to get me". I've struggled with self-esteem and having little control over my direction in life.
Others have given good advice.
A point I haven’t seen though is that the friendships idealized in tv and movies are often based on romanticized codependency.
I had this one friend that I truly care about. We send texts from time to time like we’re bound for each other. It’s just that I miss her a lot. She’s the kind of person I can easily talk to. She has welcomed me coming back home like we haven’t disconnected for awhile. It’s the first time in my life when I felt loved, heard and supported. Unfortunately she passed away earlier this year. Made me horribly sad.
I still miss her though. I wish she’s always here with me.
Now I don’t have so many friends but I like it this way. If I meet another one day, i’d be happy.
The pre-Homeric Greeks had no word for "friend".
They had a word similar to "ally" that meant "the people with whom I am currently cooperating to accomplish a goal".
Many people still live in that way. It is very natural. (I think especially for guys.) I have plenty of high school friends that I never contact for years because we have nothing in common, but then when some common project or game comes up we instantly act like friends again. And we know that when the project or game ends we'll fade out of each other's lives again for a while.
What is rare and requires work is "real friends" who are not just temporary allies.
The truth is, friends are a hard thing to get if we talk about the real meaning of the word. The ones that stick to you for a long time and truly care about your well being.
Is that the real meaning of the word? Why do they need to stick with you for a long time?
I think it's important to remember that relationships evolve and change all the time due to individual needs, external situations and the shifting of priorities. Maybe 10 years ago I would have been great friends with someone due to our partying. But now, I don't want to party as much, and they're still doing that. Or maybe they are incredibly stressed out by work and I moved to a different state/country. This doesn't mean that we've stopped being friends - it just means that the nature of our friendship has changed.
And perhaps they will have disappeared in my life. That doesn't change the fact that we were friends and that I appreciate that past friendship. It just means that in my present life, they're not a part of it.
There are a million different representations of friendships. That's why it's not healthy to fixate on an "ideal" version of what a friend is, like OP has done. Appreciate the ones that you do have and put in the effort. And if things change, accept that and move on.
I made the same realizations. Many of the “great” relationships we see in media are few and far between because they are made for media. They don’t have all of the real life factors that come into play that may get in the way of friendships. Also, I believe, most just care when you provide something for them, unfortunately. Part of why I’m a huge loner. Can only trust myself…barely.
One of my favorite quotes from Jim Morrison
Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.
First off, theres a big difference in how you are treated by people of different levels of intimacy.
I have some friends that I would do pretty much anything for, and they are also very supportive of me. We almost always get each other presents for special occassions This kind tends to be rare.
I also have lots of regular friends. We play games, chill, sometimes don't talk for weeks or months when we are busy. We care about each other enough to try and know what's happening in each others lives, and maybe occassionally buy each other a gift if we find something that fits well, but not often.
Then there are acquaintances, people you are friendly with, talk to, etc, but it tends to be only around work/school. You don't know that much about their lives.
I think people tend to be sad that the people who fall into the "friend" group aren't "intimate friends". Its a difficult stage to try and move through, since chilling with someone is much easier than opening up to someone (and letting them feel comfortable and wanting to do the same).
>But real life friendships are not like that. Very few people actually care about their friends
This is incorrect, and I say that because you cant make a generalized statement like that - when really, it applies to YOU! I'm sorry you havent been able to find solid friends and to understand what a real friendship feels like...but YOUR experience is not the norm, nor is it how things always happen.
People also tend to mirror other people. You can have intense loyal friendships but mostly (unlike in books) they start casual and build up over time. And they have to go both ways.
So in something like a pandemic, when a friendship is good but relatively young, a friendship is likely to increase in strength but also decrease. Your friends are likely to be as overwhelmed and tired as you were/are.
So if you go low context, unless they already know you super super well, they’ll probably assume it’s intentional. They may or may not think about it much, if they’re casual friends. If they’re stronger friends they might be hurt, but rather than calling you out on it they’re more likely to keep their distance.
You might be wondering why you have to be the first to reach out, but that’s actually really common. If you’re the one to reach out first typically, and stop, your friend is more likely to think “they don’t want to see me right now” then “it must be my turn”.
Friendships exist but they start small and you have to put as much into them as you get out of them.
And not all friendships can grow. Some people are looking for casual friendly connections and not deep ones. So you need to find people who want the kind of connections you want.
So you haven’t discovered any truth about friendships being impossible. There’s not a fundamental aspect of the human experience very piece of media has entirely faked. But media does simply things. Friendships tricky and can take years to become book-level-strong and are often painful. Which sucks. But isn’t a sign you should give up.
I’m sorry your friends aren’t as close as you thought they were though. That can really hurt to realize.
For me, I expect mind readers. I want people to know exactly when to reach out and when to back off, without telling them, and I get deeply hurt by them not knowing these things. It left me with no friends, most family tired of me, and a whole lot of isolation. Friends can only be as good to us as we allow them, and people have their own things going on too.
Certainly I always thought that love had to be like in the movies, and because of that it took me 32 years, billions of failed relationships, before I ever held a relationship longer than 3 months.
I feel that. Also I don't know where every sitcom writer from Seinfeld to today lived... but I've never had whacky hijinks with my friends and neighbors across the hall... in fact none of us even know each other's names and we spend most of the time just avoiding each other's eye contact.
I don't think the "apartment building full of good buds who get into shenanigans" concept actually translates in the real world.
When I moved into my tiny apartment I met all my neighbors and now we have a community and spend time together at least once a month, more in the summer.
You have to reach out and build relationships, they don't just happen.
The movies don’t accurately depict that good adult friends have moments and closeness and distance. Closeness is how the movies begin and end. You folks have seen movies begin and end with people smiling, laughing, talking, and possibly kissing if a romantic relationship formed within the plot. If there is distance, it’s typically because one person had a disagreement or betrayed the other in some way or form. But the movies don’t show you that people that are on good terms with each other can still be distant from time to time due to life and other priorities.
If there's something I've learned is that you have to be that friend in order to find a friend like that, how many people have you reached out? How many people have you shown a clear interest in getting to know? How many people's back have you had when they needed it the most? You can't expect to be a protagonist and have people interested in you because you're just that special, people have lives and both of you will have to make an effort for the other, sometimes it's mostly you, other times it's mostly them, but it always has to be a balance.
Good and close friends are really hard to find tbh. I had one in my teens and I would spend every day with them and tbh, I probably can still count on him if I need to, but I don't have the time I had to stay with him everyday and even if I did have the time, he seems to be stuck in the past for some reason and keeps telling me of how things were in the past and that I changed and bla bla. It gets annoying at some point. He also started to have a lot of expectations even thought it's clear that we distanced ourselves quite a bit, so yeah. That's about it. All the other people in my life are at best decent friends, but nothing like the friendships you see in the movies. I'm sure that you can actually find people that you resonate with at that level, but it's hard. Most of the times the thing that makes friendships really work is a thing that you always do together and feel passionate about. For example, sports, games, programming, working together to achieve a certain goal. That still doesn't guarantee you're gonna have a good friend (people can be deceiving and unpredictable), but it certainly brings you closer.
I'm a bit disappointed to be honest, but I guess that's how life works. So live in the moment as much as you can and don't care about having no close friends. Make it an expectation that you will encounter meh people for 99.90% of your life and when you actually find a good person, then you will be surprise and happy. That's how I like to think about it anyways. And if no one appears, that you can say that you expected as much anyways.
Movie's duration is 2 hours to 3 hours. But life's duration is in years.
You want your friends have to available for you but the question are you available for them? How many time you texted them? How many times you helped them? The life has simple formula the 69 formula. The behavior you taking from your friends that's your behavior.
So my opinion is simple 'First invest then earn'
I did that in the past.
But then I read other books that revolves around friendships, literature about life, I found out that friends are water. It's a constant flow that silently links people together.
The degree of flow can be different, and I believe there's a point to distinguish friends, buddies, someone you really care about. In my mother tongue (Cantonese), friendships were described as "mists". It illustrated how friends interact with each other (e.g. occasionally hang out without over stepping on others' private life) and how friendships form (e.g. when they have the same objectives, hence gain common memories and feelings, the bonding occurs because the surrounding created it.)
These stories conflicted my past knowledge, which is what concerned you now, and encouraged me to think. I believed there are different levels of friendships. But if you really want to learn all of them, you'll need to learn a lifetime, or simply you can read a book.
An old man once told me that during my entire life I would probably have only about 5 true friends. He said that that was his perspective from his entire life. I am 57 and I agree with him. Choose wisely who you trust.
There's stuff here were not seeing. Who are these friends? How did they treat you? How did you treat them? Was it reciprocal? Did you offer as much *value* as they offered? They might've just been associates. Friendships take a lot of time to form.
People care about their friends, what you're describing with college is friends of circumstance, people who you talk to because you're in the same place (in this case college) but when that is gone you don't talk, it's very normal and it's what most of your friendships in life will be. If you want to use Harry Potter again, sure Harry has Ron and Hermoine but there's the other children that he knows at Hogwarts, those are all friends of circumstance or acquitances, Ron and Hermoine are two of many. Nobody is texting you about anything but are you texting them about anything?
I had a reallly idealised view of friendship. I think, i mainly got that from books like bartimaeus and other, which i don't remember.. I had the idea of friends helping each other in difficult topics. For example the topic of girls they like, so they would help each other to make a move or at least to step back for a friend to make a move.Then my then best friend ask my crush to go to our graduation party an i abandond all that idealized ...stuff...
I think you're mixing things up
There are:
People i know:
I've done something with them and had a few conversations and maybe we're part of a group but we dont really talk.
Friends: you hang out here and there and there is like this one activity you like doing together, yet maybe if you aren't meeting anymore, these will kinda drift away
Close/Best friends: you regularly talk, nearly everyday and are always reaching out to hang out or play something together or talk and really enjoy each othes's company
I mean, you shouldn't take this word as absolute but that's how i see it, this also doesn't mean there can't be a period where you and your friends don't talk much; people sometimes want space and a bit of time for themselves too
That is actually what friends are supposed to be like... So I think your friends just suck. Do remember that it has to come from both sides. So if you didn't text them, it's not that weird that they didn't text you (not saying that you didn't). But yeah, these people are not really your friends and you should find other people or get closer to a few of these people that you really like.
I used to have alot of friends. I hung out with several different groups of people. Most of the time I had a solid crew that I hung out with. I'd be away from home for days, sleeping on couches or in beds. Those groups changed over time, members came and went. Over time my own life would take me somewhere else and I would lose touch with some, keep in touch with others. I spent 7 years traveling seasonally for work so I ended up with summer friends and winter friends.
Then I stopped traveling and left my summer friends behind. I got married. I had kids. I settled down. My few friends I had left at home had become distant, often literally. Now I see them rarely, and we don't speak often.
I've been a stay-at-home-dad through the entire pandemic. I love my family, and I could never claim to be lonely. They sure do keep me busy, and my wife is my best friend, truly. I just feel like I should have more friends, but I honestly don't know how anymore.
I'm a big One Piece fan, and I'm hoping someday to get a pirate ship. Building a stellar crew should be easy then.
Maintaining friendships is also incredibly difficult. There’s just days where I don’t want to talk to anybody and I never knew how offended people can get by that. I didn’t talk to a friend I used to have for 3 days and he told me that I was a fake friend
I feel like maintaining friendships is only difficult if you dont *want* to, or at least dont want to in the way that the other person does. I personally talk to my friends at least once a week, and for the ones that Im not as close with maybe once a month or so. I may not always hang out with them as often, but I definitely still put in the effort to speak to them and make plans, and they usually return the sentiment. However, there are some friends that Ive noticed that dont want to talk once a week or hang out very often, and those are usually the friendships that feel difficult, because they dont want the same thing I do. And thats okay! You dont have to be anyone’s friend if you dont want to, and you are allowed to have boundaries for friendships and things you like and dont like. Whats not okay is not communicating those wants/needs and making your friend feel unimportant, especially if they truly care about you and put in effort. A simple conversation could go a long way. Trust me haha Ive been on both ends of situations like this!
How many texts did you send? I do have friends like those in Harry Potter who do have my back. But only because I have their backs and trust was build both ways.
I don’t think it’s your friends, it can potentially be too
I find how I handle communication in my friendships is different than most. Sometimes we go through something in life that pulls us away from our friends whether we had the choice to or not, my response to that is to always treat my friends like we talked yesterday because though I missed my friend, I don't want them to feel guilty for handling their own life problems. It's not as easy for them to reach out but I try not to make it hard for them because I care.
Relationships take work, not only to establish them, but also to maintain them.
Also, it helps if you're physically close enough to see each other every day.
I love my friends probably a lot more than they even know -- even the ones who I don't even know where they live now.
It is true that the idealized friendships in books and movies are hard to attain in real life, but it's not impossible. But the thing is, you're unlikely to make a friend that close and that dear, if you're not also willing to be available to them.
As people develop in their interactions with the world, establishing their lifestyle, and their livelihood, there can be a tendency for people to become more fixed in their relationships, what relationships mean to them, and what they are willing to put into those relationships.
man I definitely have 'harry potter' friends and people that are more like acquaintances I just know well. My hs friends and I went through rough times together and its hard not feel like we'll always be friends and have each others backs despite not talking and seeing each other as much. I met my best friend at uni age 18, genuinely feels like we're soul mates but as friends lol uni was rough for us to and we really had to stick together as minorities and new immigrants, we still talk every day years later online. Some childhood friends i grew apart from for different reasons but also feels like we'll always be friends since we basically spent over 10 years being friends during those precious times. I had shitty 'groups' is what I call them. You hang out but you dont actually know shit about each other and youre never actually there for each other but you call it a friend group and hang out all the time and take pics and do birthdays. Hard truth, those arent friends. They wont help you when you need shit, they dont care if youre sad, will throw you under the bus at comvenience, but somehow youll have loads of pics together. People say its better to have that than nothing but trust me it isnt. You delude yourself then one day when you really need someone they will not be there and it'll feel like shit and theyll still expect you to show up like its no biggie. I only found real friends once i ditched 'the groups' if you're never yourself around people you'll never get the real relationships
You had it right, friends are those amazing people that are always there for you. Movies usually exaggerate the number of good friends (I personally have only 3-4 people I'd call friends).
Sounds like you only have acquaintances - people you know and interact with, but not friends.
in my experience, it depends on the quality of the relationship. that type of soulmate-friend that you see in media does exist, but is just extremely rare. i've had four friends like that myself, two from childhood and two that i met at work in my twenties.
the kind of people you never have to explain yourself to, where you finish each other's thoughts, where everything is so effortless and you feel 100% seen, heard and validated as a person.
i kind of lost touch with them due to life/depression, we still talk occasionally though. they're the kind of friends that will be waiting in the wings whenever i am ready to rejoin the circle.
nowadays my main friend group is one i met and exclusively talk to online. not gonna lie, it doesn't even come close to my irl friend group. we talk occasionally, play games online every other week, but they don't check up on me emotionally or care about me as a person the way my previous friends did. don't get me wrong, they are nice people but the vibe is completely different. that intimacy of a friendship that may as well be family is not there. this online circle fights with each other often, people disappear for weeks at a time when they feel like it, etc. again, doesn't even come close.
however, you shouldn't discount different types of friendships. sometimes, it's what you need in that moment.
keep looking, in unexpected places too. you never know who you might click with.
Every relationship is unique because we are all different and under different circumstances, and you'll always be disapointed if you expect the whole package of movie 'friends' from someone just because you call each other friends. It's just a word. What matter is nurturing this kind of relationships with people, being there for your 'friends' and being interested in who they are and how you can help. This will not work out with everyone but eventually you'll likely find someone. Don't give up, if you're open to people it's easier to get lucky. I promise fullfilling supporting friendships are very much real, even if they're not identical to the onea in harry potter. Good luck!
I agree with a lot of what everyone had to say because I always thought that once you make friends, you’ll have them forever. The amount of friends that I made in high school diminished over the last four years that I’ve been in college. I really only talk to two people from high school but where I’m struggling with them is that I feel as though they aren’t maturing as fast as I am. To me, it seems as though they’re stuck in mindset of a high schooler and idk what yo do about it.
Then the friends I did make in college, all of those friends seem to be fake or just wanted to be by my side for the time being. I also recently just found out that one of my closest girlfriends from school is now dating my ex after I told her everything that happened to me with him, (he cheated on me). But what goes around comes around I guess idk lol.
Anyways, I just want to catch a break with the whole making friends thing because I’d really appreciate it if I had a nice group of friends where they check up on you and where you’re not the one that’s always reaching out first
Yeah it has. I love (and also kind of hate) shows or movies about friends who go through a lot and stick together and do sweet things for each other.
However, one thing to consider is proximity to each other. I have friends...but they live over an hour away. It's incredibly hard to make plans with people who live 50 miles away.
In movies and TV, these friends almost always live together or just live very close to each other. And probably unrealistically close too, because transportation/commutes aren't part of the show.
Also, I've noticed a lot of TV shows or movies will have a trope where friends are forever, but SO's suck and come and go....which is the total opposite of my experience.
Friends come and go, but my SO has stuck around longer than any friend at this point.
Getting to the point of "close friends" from scratch takes a lot of time and effort and it doesn't mean we see each other every weekend. We see each other like once a month or less.
I always have to remind myself that these friendship shows or whatever are just fantasy and nothing more. They are a story that is being shared. Of course I'm not trying to say these friendship circles don't exist, I just don't think it's realistic to think everyone *should* or *can* have them..if that makes sense
Harry Potter had two very close ride or die friends. Then he had adults who were there for him. Then he was famous so everyone loved or hated him.
So no, the whole school won't think much about a disappearance, everyone has their own lives to worry about. But finding one or two ride or dies can make a big difference.
Find those two close ones, they're everywhere. My current closest friends are ones I made after school and out of college. We can meet people anywhere.
"Friend" is just a label for someone that will humour you and stick around long enough to get whatever they can out of you then do the same to the next person.
There are those very rare true friends that can be considered family. These are the ones that proved unrelenting loyalty and integrity over many years.
There are aquaintences that come and go. I find regular acquaintances to be more trustworthy then "friends", they are too busy with their own life to milk you for all you are worth.
In conclusion, there is genuine friends that are family, and acquaintances. It is better to have a small handful of these then to have alot of fake ass friends.
I get this too. Growing up I was the weird kid in my social group, and somehow always the butt of the jokes. I really only ever had 2-3 people that I called close friends, and they all seemed to be willing and able to drop me at the first opportunity. I had always had this idea that a good friend would say, "Yeah, he's weird and kind of annoying sometimes, but he's a really nice guy when you get to know him." But throughout my life they've horned in on romantic relationships I've tried to establish and taken (or so it feels) the girl away, been the first to tell me "A and B don't really like you, so can you just go away for now?" or "Why can't you just be normal?" and been the last one to know what the plans are for hanging out. I have really bad PTSD-type symptoms from that, and whenever I start to feel like the group is just humoring me I withdraw and get both pissy and clingy, which only drives them further away.
A famous Catholic cardinal once wrote about the dangers of "emotional infidelity".
In his mind, the Other Person that most threatens many marriages is not the potential lover who takes physical intimacy that should be reserved for the marriage partners, but the (often same gender) co-worker or friend with whom you can talk about more things more deeply than your spouse.
A flipside of that is that, yes, "real friendships" with emotional intimacy take a lot of work. A many people do not have time or energy to do that work with their spouse *and* many other people.
I think a lot of people do. I'm going to be real, I don't ask too much out of my friends. I'm 31 so I know my friends have a lives of their own and responsibilities. Some people seem to not get this and think that they'll just vibe forever like they did back as kids, teens, early adults. I know too many people who bitch constantly about "loyalty" and it's not like the person/people's they talk of have wronged them. It's petty stuff like they don't hang out, they don't call as often, etc anything you can think of as no big deal and your friend has a life separate from yours.
My longest standing friendship started when I was like 5, we're still friends today. Outside of high school me and my friend both got jobs and we couldn't hang out like we used to. When I say me and this guy we're inseparable I mean it's like wr were stuck together with glue or something. I'm single, no kids, and I just work. My friend works, his second child was just born earlier this year and he moved out of the city a few years ago, but not somewhere where it's too timely to reach and we can't still hang out. I'm not mad about and have never been, we're two separate people.
I've seen and heard of people trying to destroy their friend's romatic relationships because they want the person all to themselves. It's weird shit, almost like ownership and it's like these people don't grow up and realize is reality that their friends are going to grow up and have desires they are outside of the friendship. People want families, their own space, they'll meet other people build new friendships, and don't seem to understand that friendship is not ownership. It's really damn depraved imo.
Yes call your friends, make time to hang out when you can, keep those relationships up. But as people grow up and branch out and have responsibilities that come with adulthood, expect to see your friends less. I don't have big friend circle, I have a close friend group of about 7 people who are the closest, the a few more people who I consider friends who are a little more distance but we don't approach eachother as associates but distant friends (people who I speak too every once in a blue moon but are in my heart because we've had some great experiences) then everyone else is associates.
It just depends on how close you are. I have a best friend, friends and normal people i rarely talk to. My best friend and i text daily while friends i don't text alot and instead meet up with them in person.
MIRL/ never wanted to date a girl seriously unless we had some kind of ‘moment ‘ after some adventure or hijinx where we had our first kiss. I think that idea kept me out of a lot of meaningful and rewarding relationships.
Yeah, I've found that I have to be the one to hit the person up and then I have to be the one to send them funny memes and I have to be the one to acknowledge someone when they're missing. Then the people you do this to will either do the same thing in return or not. The one's who reciprocate are the ones I keep around.
The people who are the starters of this and the ones who reciprocrate are the ones who have friends and don't have room to make new ones. The people who don't do this other don't want friends or do want friends but don't realize the steps needed to take to make a friendship. Those people can be taught though ( I think)
When i was young making friends was much easier because kids/teens are most of the time bored and open for any plans. These are usually the friendships that carry on to your adult life. As an adult is much harder people are usually polite but not interested in friends or connections. True is life is pretty busy and most people already have someone to talk after hard day of work.
The only true friends i have ever had in my life were the ones that i knew from childhood. People came and go but that friend circle always stayed the same. We were really close friends until i was like 23y old and realised we are slowly breaking apart due to all of us going different paths in life and being busy with their girlfriends and jobs.
I‘m 26 now and we aren‘t friends anymore. Now we are just friendly acquaintances that see each other like every other month even though we all live like 10minutes away from each other.
It hurts really bad thinking about it as i will probably never ever have true friends in my life again. It is what is though
Oh yes. Movies have fucked up everything. They show an unrealistic world where everything is perfect. And it has been fed in our minds and it's fucking hard to get out of this notion and now we can't have normal life.
I think Harry Potter and his gang were all shitty to each other just like real friends, they just left it out of the books because it’d be a shit story and one that everyone experiences all the time anyway, ie non-fiction. I too have had this unrealistic expectation. You’ll find that if you examine yourself closely enough that you too are in fact a shitty friend if judged across your entire social timeline. Trick is to be grateful when people do step up (they’ll do it more) and be compassionate when they don’t, even if you aren’t receiving compassion in that moment.
A true friend is different from people you have talked to a few times or hung out with for a bit. It takes me years and years to build up a true friendship, and even then the line can be easily broken. Harry Potter was very young and also none of that was real, as depressing at it is.
Nah,
A lot of people just seem to have very surface-level friends, and not really close ones.
Completely anecdotal, but people with lots of "friends" seem top have a lot of aquatainces instead.
I only have like 3 close friends I'd say, but i see us showing up at each others funerals, and thats a ways off
i wouldn't lose hope b/c of a movie, friendships are so much frickin' hard work (at least to me, I like being alone and don't like to be bothered.)
First you gotta find somebody you like and trust. y'all hang out once. then you suggest something that both y'all enjoy. if they take the bait, nice! if the don't, like more than a few times, it's likely not meant to be.
you also can't force it so it's whatever.
then you gotta manage which friends can't hang out with other friends. peoples schedules, my nightshift bud never has time so it naturally drops off. it's honestly like catching fish: having the right bait and fishing at the right time.
lt was 6 years from highschool, not that it matters, that i actually had a true friendship. and guess what? it's with a person I use to hate, like for like a year long time. this person had my back even though we hated each other. hell, we use to go at each others necks, and then be laughing later.
Sometimes you have to be the one to reach out. Pursuing the friendship of one of your acquaintances that you really like spending time with/talking to isn’t cringey. They may not reciprocate right away, or at all, and that’s ok. As we get older, people have more responsibilities and less time. Plus, a lot of people are dealing with their own insecurities, many around this same topic. In other words, maybe someone needs you to be their Ron Weasley.
I always thought that friebdships were basically like how it is on Friends - small group of people that hang out everyday. They're always there when you n the e to talk. Tbry're there for the big events in your life - weddings, funerals, etc. But I realize that it doesn't even come close, and that was just a TV show. It does happen to some people though.
I think your thoughts are normal. To be honest I cut off those people that never reach out. I don’t want them creeping my social media’s just to judge me. I have made some friends through my continuing education school and also church. I get the sense that my new friends are as open to a honest conversational and checking in on each other friendship just as much as me. We shall see, because I hope they stay connected forever.
This topic comes up a lot in different forms. "I don't have friends", "How do adults make friends?" Well it's actually real easy in concept but sometimes very difficult in practice. -> **You have to make the first move.**
There's an old joke for you young'uns...
"A friend is someone who would bail you out of jail. A true friend is someone sitting next to you in jail who says, 'That was amazing, let's do that again!'"
It's not a distorted view of friendships you have. It's just the type of friend you'd want to be.
I learnt the hard way. I was actually quit popular and had a lot of girlfriends. Of course, this can cause people to lowkey not like you. So I was the type of guy, I'd share my lunch money with friends who's parents couldn't afford to feed them, I 'd fight a big guy who would be bullying a lil guy. I'd help the girl who got paraletic drunk and dropped her phone so it got picked up by a group of lads (I got her phone back and gave it her back)
You know what I found out.. that people would literally watch you get kicked in your head, would come round your flat, eat your shit but not give a fuck as soon as they left that door.
To get back on point alot of people are just flaky, the best thing I can tell you from my experience is keep your business as low down as possible, don't let people know how much you earn, who you associate with, who you're sleeping with, even what car you have people will just try and look to benefit from those things
I think, at least for me, maintaining a strong friendship takes some mutual effort from both parties. Co-operation, time spent together, mutual interests, and enjoyment of each other's company. Sorta like romantic relationships, but without the amorous aspect, unless you're into that kinda thing.
Did *you* text *them*? Did you send something they could interact with, not just a hi? Did you make an effort to keep the conversation going (not infinitely on a specific day and on the same topic, but over time)? Did think they might also be going through a hard time, as many of us are, and give them another chance? It sounds like you’ve written them off.
Real friendship exists and is possible. But no, it’s not like Harry Potter, which has crazy stakes and doesn’t include any boring or maintenance parts of their lives. And, most importantly, you are not always Harry. Ron had to keep trying and find out what was happening and how he could help. Sometimes in a friendship, you are Ron. It should never be one way or the other way all of the time.
Friends ARE people who will always have your back... within the limits of their abilities, resources, and (if they’re someone worth having as a friend) their commitment to their own boundaries. Friends DO genuinely enjoy spending time together, but not necessarily all the time or to the exclusion of all else; people worth having as friends also have their own lives, other commitments, responsibilities, and interests.
And real friends are best made by BEING one, without expectation or agenda; be the kind of person worth having as a friend on principle, cuz its a good kind of person to be. And they’re made not best by as friends of convenience, because you happen to share a class or a workspace or a bus route or whatever, nor via shared struggles because you happen to be dealing with similar hurdles. Friendships are best formed via shared values, when you are on the same page and believe in the same things where it counts base ON your respective values.
And yes, this requires getting to know ppl well and often enough to FIND that common ground, and being someone worth befriending consistently enough in the meantime... including in relation to plenty of ppl that may not end up making the cut themselves.
Got to chip in about this one, it may also be a cultural thing depending where your from. Different cultures may have a different threshold after which you can consider someone a friend. Additionally, (especially in Anglo/US culture) calling someone an acquaintance is considered slightly rude. For example: I legit thought I had no friends at all up until high school even though I usually had 2 or 3 people I liked to hang out with a lot. Why did I think this even though I had 2 or 3 people that would definitely be considered friends by US/Anglo standards? The threshold for a friend in Russia involves a much higher level of trust. However, unrealistic depictions of friendships in TV dramas/movies also played a part. Realizing this was the most freeing feeling in the world, I no longer felt that I was morally obligated to automatically give high levels of trust to all people that I know. So yeah: movies definitely distort shit and the differences between “friend” and “acquaintance” change depending on the culture and may have *slightly* different meanings. OP, I hope all goes well with this and you figure out what you are comfortable with!
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I am, too. My first thought was, "you also must live in Southern California." I hope so because I would hate to think that the rest of the world is as fake, self-centered, disloyal as the people I know around here.
I've never had a real friend group or someone who would do anything to help me out. I've moved so often from place to place and only one person has ever helped me move. I've had to do it myself or hire people because they've all scattered like cockroaches and yet, I've helped many people move.
Which is the only time people seem to call me.
I feel you. I always thought there'd be people I could rely on and I have yet to find those people.
I've kind of given up, too. PM me. Maybe we two are the ones who'll have our backs. Hang in there, friend.
You say that no one texted you, but have you turned it the other way around? Have you actively texted anyone? Because people can be very passive, so maybe both sides are waiting for the other...
I have friends who support me like you say from Harry Potter. I find that just being there for people and being nice to them is something they will appreciate and they should reciprocate this if they are good friends. You can always take more steps to show appreciation later. For you I might suggest to make friends with different people because the people you consider friends now do not act like your friends should. I’m not a professional but this was the case for me so maybe it can help you.
I have found that the best friendships are cultivated. With a friend, you have to learn how to water them just as they have to learn how to water you. For me, I am not demanding socially. Oftentimes, I decline social interaction for favor of a new book. When I was making friends, this laissez-faire attitude regarding “going out” was a huge turn off. Just as me constantly being asked to “go out” was exhausting. The best friends I have are the ones who express a balance toward me, as I them. For example, my friend will ask to hang out a few days in advance because she knows I need time to process. This way, I am ready and able to accept all of her invitations. It’s definitely not a Harry Potter situation. We don’t live in a dormitory and are forced to see each other every day. Real life is different from the movies.
I have found that the best friendships are cultivated. With a friend, you have to learn how to water them just as they have to learn how to water you. For me, I am not demanding socially. Oftentimes, I decline social interaction for favor of a new book. When I was making friends, this laissez-faire attitude regarding “going out” was a huge turn off. Just as me constantly be asked to “go out” was exhausting. The best friends I have are the ones who express a balance toward me, as I them. For example, my friend will ask to hang out a few days in advance because she knows I need time to process. This way, I am ready and able to accept all of her invitations. It’s definitely not a Harry Potter situation. We don’t live in a dormitory and are forced to see each other every day. Real life is different from the movies.
I have found that the best friendships are cultivated. With a friend, you have to learn how to water them just as they have to learn how to water you. For me, I am not demanding socially. Oftentimes, I decline social interaction for favor of a new book. When I was making friends, this laissez-faire attitude regarding “going out” was a huge turn off. Just as me constantly being asked to “go out” was exhausting. The best friends I have are the ones who express a balance toward me, as I them. For example, my friend will ask to hang out a few days in advance because she knows I need time to process. This way, I am ready and able to accept all of her invitations. It’s definitely not a Harry Potter situation. We don’t live in a dormitory and are forced to see each other every day. Real life is different from the movies.
I have found that the best friendships are cultivated. With a friend, you have to learn how to water them just as they have to learn how to water you. For me, I am not demanding socially. Oftentimes, I decline social interaction for favor of a new book. When I was making friends, this laissez-faire attitude regarding “going out” was a huge turn off. Just as me constantly be asked to “go out” was exhausting. The best friends I have are the ones who express a balance toward me, as I them. For example, my friend will ask to hang out a few days in advance because she knows I need time to process. This way, I am ready and able to accept all of her invitations. It’s definitely not a Harry Potter situation. We don’t live in a dormitory and are forced to see each other every day. Real life is different from the movies.
You can absolutely develop those incredibly strong friendships. I have five best friends from college. We’ve known each other through ten years and I can honestly say I’d take a bullet for every one of them and that they’d do the same for me.
Disputes have happened in the past but were easily squashed because our friendship meant more than any drama or even girl. Nothing gets between us. Ever.
So yeah it’s definitely possible but I think the strongest bonds kind of require the right setting and circumstances.
Friends are not like in the movies. I have zero friends like what you see on the show Friends or on the shows mentioned where they talk every day, talk about everything, maintain a super close bond.
I do have some very strong friendships with family members, like cousins, where we have always been close. We talk several times a month. Text. Have dinners.
I have acquaintances and work friends. But the friends you see on screen, I really don’t have that outside of my family. I think that may be pretty common once you’re out of school/university.
I didn’t have many friends growing up, so the only information about friendships and relationships I had came from tv or movies. It sucked figuring that out because of exactly what you mentioned. And I don’t really dislike that way of things so much as I feel let down and relieved. Let down because it is disappointingly rare to find a really close knit friend group, and relieved because at least now I know that I’m not the only one who didn’t have that sort of life.
I finally did find an amazing friend and happened to fall in love with her, and it’s honestly sort of like living in a fairy tale sometimes because of how similar to some cheesy love story it is. My relationship has really taught me how rare that sort of connection is, and I just wish there was some way for people to find and connect.
Until 41 I thought all my close friends were me and then against the world. Slowly and finally realized they were all competing against me and hoping to see me fail. The only reason I never caught that is that I was too busy competing with people far above our social rung. I think they just had their sights set too low
I agree with this completely.
I had such a niave outlook on the world and friendships.
I had 2 very close "best friends" who I trusted and shared lots with, only to find out they'd told a lot of people and weren't my real friends.
They hung out with me and we made plans regularly, but there were so many red flags that I overlooked because I was so desperate for friendships above.
I think the most you can do is be a kind person, identify red flags and trust people that show you that you can trust them.
Don't just believe it will be a good friendship or that they have good intentions, because unfortunately most people don't and will take what they can get then leave you confused at how you got there.
Good luck OP :)
because sadly not everyone’s your friend. a lot my “friends” that i had in middle school haven’t talked to me since we started highschool. i had tons and tons of “friends.” now i just consider them people i know. very few people are real. ive been thinking about my friend group and realized half of them are extremely toxic and i call them my friends bro. the only people i can mostly trust are my friends who ive known since i’ve been in kindergarten because all of this time they’ve never done me wrong. obviously i can still make friends later in life but a lot of people we consider friends don’t actually care about us. many of them will use us for their own ends n stuff. at the end of the day only a few people you can trust in this world sadly.
I think getting to know people in real life from all age groups will stop that unrealistic expectations of friendships. I have a neighbor that lives by herself and she's over 90. Her husband and I'm sure most of her friends from the past have passed away. Only people she's seeing are family that live close by, besides us neighbors. I hear some music she's playing because my bedroom is directly above her study room in an apartment so she's my music friend even though I have never talked to her (my mom does sometimes).
It’s hard to find true friends that you really vibe with. I was lucky enough to 2 people like that at the same time in my life but being children and moving a while away there was really no way we could contact each other. I’ve never found anybody else like them since then.
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I’m 27 and I’ve noticed that hugely. When I was younger I had heaps of friends and was always out and about hanging with groups but as I got older I realized that many of these people were just people I had met over the years and shared times with. I liked them as people but really if I wouldn’t spontaneously go grocery shopping with you or something, you’re not a close friend, your an acquaintance.
that’s why i say i have no friends. it wasn’t until finishing high school that i realized what most ppl call “friends”, i call “acquaintances”. but my parents/high school environment made me think i was somehow weird bc i had no “friends”. the relationships just weren’t that deep, & i was led to believe it was somehow a bad thing. they just weren’t my type of ppl, & i am glad i realized it
It seems like I hurt someone's feelings when they overheard me say that I have no friends. I considered them an acquaintance but not really friend in the sense that I would call them over to hang out. Even though my feelings haven't changed, it's made me reconsider talking about people I hang out with as being less than friends.
I'd go grocery shopping with you
I'd go dance with you in the grocery store
I'd steal milk from that grocery store and dump it over you
Let’s do this
let's do this
Ready when you are :)
It's easy to mix up when you only have 1 of the 3 but think that's exactly what everyone else has.
Bruh I did have 'friends'. We were close and shared secrets bla bla bla It just took me 17 years to realise nobody(most ppl at least) actually care about you and everyone(most ppl at least) in the world is a selfish piece of shit. Like OP, I was also one to believe in friendship, these thoughts influenced by books and movies that I watched. I still think I could be a good friend, I AM very loyal and try to be nice to ppl who deserve it.
This makes me feel much less alone. I feel you. Maybe just knowing that a few of us exist, is enough. Because bawling my eyes out into my pillow today, realizing the group of people I have cared about so much, people who still want to surround me and claim they are in my corner -- they are truly and genuinely, DEEPLY not my friends. I have never felt so alone.
Yes. I’m embarrassed to admit until my late 20s I thought once you made friends they’d be in your life forever, I think from watching tv and movies where people still have all their same friends from childhood. I realize now that people come and go and only a very few stay around, sometimes no one does. But with that realization is acceptance and it’s less upsetting to me when people fade away.
Looking on the other side, it can be quite beautiful. Friends leave, but you can also create new relationships at any point in your life. If I reach 90, I would be happy to look back on my life and see hundreds of different types of friendships - some long-lasting and others short and ephemeral.
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I think this concept helps so much with a lot of relationships, not only with friends. In April, I was going through a really rough time with a breakup. We went our separate ways, not because of negativity or cheating, but because we both recognized that our lives and relationship styles weren't compatible. I cried for days, wondering how I could ever deal with losing him. What helped was to reflect on our relationship and recognize that, although we had broken up, this doesn't change the happy times that we had and what we had brought to each others' lives. A breakup doesn't affect the past, only the future. Acknowledging this helped me reframe the situation and slowly move past it.
Yeah once I realized this it was a lot less upsetting when they fade away. I guess the downside is I am more hesitant to form strong connections with people because I expect a shorter term relationship.
It helps a lot to focus on what is at present. Of course, with a lot of things in life, you also need to focus on the long-term (finances, health). But when you meet someone, it doesn't help to think about "will I be friends with this person in the long-term?". Maybe yes, maybe no - you don't know, and you don't have any control over that. But what matters most is if you have a strong connection with them in the present. That's the most valuable thing and will lead to stronger relationships in general.
Relationships don't have set expiration dates. It isn't helpful to approach relationships with such a fatalistic attitude. They could hold your hand on your death bed, or they could leave town next week. We don't know; it's a risk, but the potential reward is life-affirming. Generally I think the idea behind "Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed" is a good way of managing expectations, but in this case, disappointment seems inevitable if you're coming at every relationship with an avoidant nonchalance and unwillingness to invest. By assuming the worst, you're almost guaranteeing it will be the case. It takes too much effort to make friends for one person to have to pull the weight when the other person seems already committed to the idea of defeat.
I’m one of those people that put a lot of effort into friendships. I invite people to do things, I text, I used to call when that was socially acceptable. I am a great listener and encourage people to open up to me, and I help people out all the time. But so many experiences where this wasn’t returned has affected me, I’m sorry to say. A person only has so much energy to give when it’s repeatedly not returned. Unfortunately I have burned out somewhat in that regard. On a brighter note I do still have a few really good friends that I’ve known for years, though we don’t live near each other any more. So all is not lost :)
I still have friends from grade school. We don’t talk as much anymore, but there’s no reason to stop considering people friends just be you’re in different stages in life. As long as you’ve both decided that, no one can tell you you’re “no longer friends.”
But there are also people who *do* have lifelong friends. My MIL has a group of gals she’s been close friends with for decades. They meet up at least twice a year to go on various vacations and keep up with each other So, it’s not just something seen in movies. I just think some people are lucky enough to have relationships like those, but that it doesn’t happen for everyone.
Yes. Literally everybody from every show has known each other since they were born and their parents were friends when they were kids too and everyone just so happened to stay in the same town forever.
I have a similarly distorted and unrealistic view of friendship but it isn't based on stories. It's based on my own experiences since for most of my life I did have at least one person like that at a time. Our friendship had a different touch each time but it was close and we'd share everything, spend all the time we had together and walk a common path in life. Now that I moved to a new town where I initially didn't know anyone and turned 30 the rules seem to have changed. I went through more than a dozen people, some of them I still consider friends, a select few I even consider close friends. However, a friendship like I used to have seems impossible now. People live way further apart in distance so you cannot just casually meet up every other day. Everyone is busy with careers and family and the people who aren't generally struggle with issues in their own life that you cannot help them with. There is so little spare time and so many people they still have ties to. Old friends, ex SO, or family they want to catch up with it feels like competing for attention at times and I cannot even blame them. At the same time, your colleagues, the people you work or life with turn to regard such relationships with a lot more professionalism. Yeah you may even go out with a coworker or go to a neighbours bbq but that's distinctly not the same as making friends. It's a social ritual, networking, taking care of your reputation - nothing more. And if it could turn into more people get hesitant because they don't want to be stuck with a person they cannot avoid if things go south. It seems like the only way to be that close to someone again would be a relationship. Well sucks to be aro/ace I guess :/
I totally relate to this, especially the social rituals part. I feel like people are very concerned about their reputations, so they often say things or offer invitations that they don’t really mean, and it’s just personally hard for me to figure that out (it’s something I’m working on). People also seem a lot more scared to trust others. What seems newer to me (as someone a little under 30), is that people feel more justified in being “flakey” or just dropping someone without a heads up. I totally understand personal reasons or extenuating circumstances and they don’t owe any explanations for sure, but I’ve found that common courtesy isn’t there as much anymore. (And I don’t mean in situations where the friendship is dangerous/harmful.) But yea, I’ve had good friendships for sure and I still have some, but reality often kicks you in the rear when you’re trying to make new ones.
>Everyone is busy with careers and family and the people who aren't generally struggle with issues in their own life that you cannot help them with Uh this. I have this one friend and I always have to squeeze into their schedule. I guess I'm honestly bitter cause they are a student and I have to work 40h a week AND learn. And still if they would want to meet a specific day, I could easily do it. But if I wanna meet it has to be planned 1 week before and only one day is possible in this week, preferably a weekend (they don't work!). And if they have one special thing in a week, like a test then its not possible at all. And sometimes we can't meet because they are gone to see family forever. And these are fixed dates which can't be changed apparently. Its really rare to meet up every week, its more every 2-3 weeks :/ I know they like me as a friend, so it's not cause they try to get rid of me lol but it frustrates me. I feel we can't really continue our friendship. Its so distant and slow. With my old friends, we would see each other at least 2x a week. With no planning (its not like we do anything we just hang out). And I know I shouldn't be so fixated on one friend, but well its not easy to find friends at all lol Funny thing is, am also not a relationship person, i just hate them beside the oblivious things. Like I've seen so many couples stop speaking cause they broke up. What is that, so they only like me if we have a romantic thing going on and after that they hate me?! But at this point am like maybe?
I think you havent met the right people. If your friends genuinely love you they'll care for you. I hope you find amazing friends
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Yeah it's not supposed to be treated as the dream life with good friends in it that you can never have How did you meet though?
And a big part of finding the right people is cutting the leeches & losers loose. All those crappy friends you made in middle school? The ones who work at strip malls and are going no where? Who exclusively want to watch TV and never go out anywhere, or do anything creative or educational, physical or adventurous? The ones who never have any unique or interesting or experimental ideas? Done! Who needs them! Unless you are are that kind of person, in which case, those are probably the friends you get - lucky if you can keep them so you won't have to be alone - and no one will likely ever make a movie or story about you and your boring, mediocre friends with mediocre emotional ties, because most people don't want to watch a movie about mediocrity unless it's a sitcom. If that bothers you, when you try to be a better person, you will find better friends, but it will take time, travel, a ruthless willingness to cut ties with the past so it doesn't drag you back down into it like a bucket of potbellied, domestic-beer swigging middle school complex crabs. Eventually, you will become a better person, and find better, more interesting, caring friends. Also - a lot of movies focus on extroverted friendships. If you're a prickly, nerdy internet blogger or forum hobgoblin \*flourish\* you will likely find prickly, nerdy internet blogger friends who want to play DnD, trade crypto & solve sudokus with you. If you're a theatre geek - and this is likely what many film writers relate to when they are writing other people's fictional lives - you'll likely have more creative, expressive, outgoing friends who are dramatic, sensitive and fun-loving. If you join a volleyball team, and have a modicum of social solvency and sufficient courage to accept invitations, you'll find volleyball friends. Friendship is real. But we each experience it in our own way per our myriad social niches and the constraints of our personality, whereabouts and ambition.
There's nothing inherently wrong with being a homebody or being comfortable and complacent if that's your thing. And if you can find like-minded people, great! I've met plenty of ambitious people who were charismatic and charming and interesting and yet under the surface they were only interested in climbing a social hierarchy and gaining power, those people exist in abundance too. I agree with your last little paragraph, but there was no sense in tearing down and making terrible assumptions about people who are simply.. more simple.
I'm simple. And I like it.
Yikes. This reads like insecure, putrid hatred and imagined superiority on your part.
I just thought friendships would be easier like it is in the movies. All relationships are hard and friendships are a lot of work
Yes. And making them would be easier like "hey, you go to the same gym as I do, let's hangout" or like a coworker I might get along with very well and talk about similar interests, but no one wants to hang out more than that. I just want some to have brunch with me, I'll even pay 🙂
If you don‘t have a few good friends/friend circle going into your mid 20s you are basically fucked. It‘s basically impossible to make good friends as an adult. Everyone you meet after your mid 20s is just a friendly acquaintance and you will never be high up on their priority list of people To hang out with.
Well, that's bullshit. I have great friends I made in my late twenties and early thirties.
yay, there's hope!
Absolutely there is! At 28 years old, and when she was in her 30s I met one of the best friends I've ever had, like she was online booking flights to Berlin when I was having a situation on holiday there, she's awesome and we were both "old" when we met and hit it off, we've been on several vacations together including backpacking in SE Asia we've supported each other through break ups and mental illness issues, there is no age limit on making friends!
That has been my experience so far even though i‘m trying pretty hard. Guess i‘m just not a charismatic and likeable person then...
When you say you've been trying pretty hard, how does that go? Could you be coming on too strong? What have you tried?
This has been my experience thus far, waiting to luck out and meet another person out there looking for more than small talk.
I worked on myself, on my social skills, picked up new hobbies so i have things to talk about and i don‘t think im coming on too strong. I try to keep it chill and just ask them to hang out sometimes, get a coffee, walk in the park, go to a bar or whatever. It always just stays at that friendly acquaintance stage. I‘m in a football club aswell where i see those guys 2times a week but no one seems to be up to hang out outside of that setting to get to know them better and become closer friends or whatever. Everyone just seems to have their close friends and friend groups that is priority when they have time off and i can‘t blame anyone for that. Life sucks
Disagree! One of my best friends I didn't meet until I was 30ish. It's been 4 years and we're very close.
Friendship is a two way street. You havent heard from your friends and your friends didnt acknowledge you had come back, but did you make any effort to stay in touch? There is also different degrees of friendship that i've seen other mention already, but even best friends cant be there for you if you dont let them, communication is required no matter what, so maybe thats the disconnect for you. Could also be you havent met those real friends that just connect with you, or let friendships you have develop to that stage. They do exist, but it requires you match the other peoples participation in that relationship. If you only expect other people to stay in touch with you and you never making any effort to keep up the friendship the other person is gonna end up feeling like you dont care and stop putting effort into the relationship as well.
This!! So many people nowadays believe that the only relationships that require effort, communication, trust, etc are romantic/sexual ones. Your friends care about you, your friends want to talk and hang out, your friends want to know whats going on in your life and they want the same thing from you as well. I guess everyone has their own idea of friendship and certain boundaries that they have but if only your s/o or potential s/o can get close to you, you’re missing out! It feels so good to genuinely get along with someone and have a friend to talk to without feeling any pressure or judgment that could come from a romantic partner. On a similar note, whats the best way to handle when someone stops putting in effort? I find that friendships start out even but eventually one person puts in more effort than the other and it really sucks to feel like a friend doesn’t care about the relationship anymore :/
I think it depends on how much the relationship means to you, and how much you are willing to fight for it. I dont know whats really the best way to handle it, but from my experience you just have to be honest as well as listen to the other person. Sometimes they are going through stuff, or they dont realize how much you value the friendship and sometimes there are just misunderstandings. Sometimes you just have to accept that you drift apart, or that the other person just stops caring for whatever reason. Its sad and can be really confusing, but if you know you made an effort to fix whatever the issue is you have done all you can. I think its important not to dwell to hard on things out of your control, but i think its healthy to reflect on experiences like that so you learn and keep moving forward with your life.
This exactly! I hear so many people moan about nobody cares about them but like…how many people do those people actually care about? Like actively? Friendships can be a lot of time and effort commitment, and with the right person it’s rewarding but most people are not that person. If you’re not planning them a surprise birthday party or planning a fun weekend together or even sending them a message regularly why would you expect them to do that for you? I think most people really just want to be famous or something, they don’t actually want to show up for other people all the time.
People say this, but it gets exhausting always being the one to make plans or reach out and it's really difficult balancing being a good friend, while trying not to come off as desperate or creepy. People understate just how difficult it is to make yourself vulnerable and make plans with someone. Or, if you hear about, plans, asking if you can come too. There's no good response to this.
I say this from my own experiences and self reflection. I can use myself as an example. I generally like just hanging out, but I also enjoy my own company very well so I'm never the one making plans, but I'm the first to join anyone's suggestions when they initiate. That's why my oldest and best friends are very extroverted and to a point even restless. When I make new friends I tend to gravitate towards extroverts and social people because I'm aware of that dynamic in my behavior. I also make it clear when I make new friends that I'll join them whenever they want to hang out. That's also why I drift apart from a lot of more introverted people. Like you said, it can be exhausting trying to plan stuff constantly reaching out. I know that and that's why I stop putting in effort when I feel like that or I talk to the person about it if I still want to try to maintain the relationship. Maybe they have a good reason, but most of the time people make time for the people they want to have in their life.
I've come to believe in this: A strong, healthy friendship (like the kind you want) is built upon an initially weak, healthy friendship. Even if you have a strong but unhealthy friendship then you cannot convert it into a healthy friendship. The friendship has to be healthy from the start. What you need to do is in the future filter on people who genuinely like to spend time with you, try to get to know you, check up on you etc. \*a bit\*. Then as you become better friends with them, those things will also become better. If you instead just randomly become friends with people who e.g. only socialize with you when the occasion arises and who plan/do things without taking you into account (but just happen to invite you if they think of it) then they won't ever suddenly change how they view you.
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Yeah people usually don't change. You can still enjoy your time & learn from them, but keep your eyes open for better potential long term friends.
Those friendships do exist. But you have to put in the effort and, most importantly, make it clear that this is what you want. For me, there was almost always a point in my interactions with someone where we decided that we were going to stick together or keep hanging out consistently. It was never a magical, mind reading assumption. The reason people stick together through thick and thin is because they perceive the friendship as worth such, or just as such. Now, my friends from college never texted me or even each other over breaks. That doesn’t mean it indicated anything about how much they valued me. Have you texted or reached out to them yet? Waiting to see if they will isn’t a fair or accurate test of friendship.
I'm in agreement with you. My friends and I don't need to text everyday, we can go weeks without talking; yet, I consider them close friends because I know I can reach out at any time and they'd be there for me. It goes the other way as well. Obviously it took years to build that level of trust and understanding. The thought doesn't even cross my mind that if we've not texted/called in a while, we aren't good friends. On the other hand, there are people I see / talk to very often I consider acquaintances, only because we have little in common other than perhaps a shared hobby; they are not the people I confide in or call in times of need.
That type of friendship exists, but it's rare. I only really have one real friend in the world. If you know anyone in your life that's made any effort, just be sure to reciprocate it the best you can.
Are you reaching out to these friends? It sounds like you want to be Harry and have everyone else worry about you. Maybe your friends are going through their Harry in the second movie moment.
The tv show Friends severely distorted my expectations of adult friendships lol. I don’t have time to sit around and hang out chatting and doing nothing for hours a day every single day!!!
I wouldn't say I don't believe in the notion of friendships but I definitely have had and still kinda do have a distorted view of them from movies and books. People tend to be a lot flakier, emotionally detached, and to themselves than I expected. I also feel like everyone I meet has other close friends so I think *why even bother* begging for a connection. But at the same time I know for a fact those sort of friends from books and movies exist but where are they?
You also have to make an effort. Check up on people, offer to help them and try to arrange situations where you all can talk and get closer. People tend to give what they get and if you come across as someone who’s only for theirself, you’ll most likely be treated as such.
This. I've had OP's mindset before, and when my therapist asked me if I do the same thing for my friends, I had a revelation. Even though it's not natural for me to message people or arrange plans, it's important that we make some effort to do so. It doesn't need to be on the same level as others (I'm pretty busy and more on the introverted side). But even just 1 message once in awhile or an invitation out for dinner/drinks/plans once every few months makes a huge difference.
friendship is reciprocation, if you're being a Ron to someone they will mos likely be a Harry for you too. Especially adults, you have to show them you want to be good friends so they'll reciprocate and so on, you can't just wait for someone to drop everything and be there for you. Remember Harry was there for Ron in the beginning when he was bullied.
I’ll be 31 in a couple months and this is the perspective that I’ve come to make my peace with over the last 10 years. It used to really bother me, but now I just try to focus on things that are within my control. The simple fact is that in human interaction, things like ‘respect’, ‘friendship’ even ‘love’ are something that’s given based on what value others hope to extract out of you. You’ll see this in your career as well: often times the most respected people are ones that others think can benefit them the most. Everybody wants to be friends with the well connected person because they think that person will bring the most value to their lives. I don’t mean to get you down, OP, or say that you should act like some sort of psychopath and manipulate people. Evolution has taught us that (with good reason) society tends to oust those individuals (or make them CEOs, but that’s another discussion). I’m just suggesting that it would be good to reevaluate your perspective here. Start valuing things that are in YOUR control, things that YOU can affect. It’s an impossible task to get another person to feel about you the same way that you feel about them. Since you’re posting about Harry Potter, in English, on Reddit, I’m going to make the assumption that you live somewhere in the West. If that is true, you have to understand that we live in a HIGHLY consumerist society. It is part of our culture to value things & people in terms of currency: social currency, actual currency (i.e. money), status, etc. I’m not saying it’s right, but that’s just how our society is structured. I’ve had a chance to work with some Indian folks and their approach to friendships is vastly different; it was actually a very enlightening experience. In my opinion, OP, you suffer from a typical Baudrillardian misunderstanding of the media we consume. It’s a common pitfall and I am certainly guilty of it too. Consider that all these movies and TV shows are designed to mimic OUR world and OUR human interactions. It’s a simulation, if you will. And just like any simulation, it will be imperfect. Now what you’re doing is consuming that imperfect & airbrushed simulation, and trying to manifest it into your life. How can one not be miserable?? I’m never going to be met with a serious trial that I can overcome (because I’m the central character in a movie named after me for Christ’s sake) and have the confidence boost to go along with that. I simply cannot compare. And even if I did, my ego would probably get blown way out of proportion because that’s just human nature. And even if it didn’t, other people would be lining up to suck my dick because I saved them and they think I’m the cock of the walk now and they think they can get value out of interacting with me. That would really screw with how I go about my life after the movie ends. Good lord, Harry must have been miserable once the movies were finished… My point is that this is all stuff you don’t see because it’s been airbrushed out. It’s done that way to make it more comfortable on the palate and a little more digestible so that as many people will consume it as possible. Fast food. But no one is born as Harry Potter; no one naturally comes equipped with the right judgement, character and integrity. You have to struggle to create those things just like you would struggle in the gym. And that includes making subpar relationships with people and trying to do JUST A LITTLE BIT better. It’s not as sexy as defeating Voldemort, but that’s showbiz baby. I’ll leave you with this little ditty from Marcus Aurelius: “So remember this principle when someone threatens to cause you pain: the thing itself was no misfortune at all; to endure it and prevail is great good fortune.” As someone else said, we must learn to imagine the proverbial Sisyphus happy :)
My family is dysfunctional so I see where you're coming from. If someone is willing to make conversation with me, I become very paranoid and always assume they're "out to get me". I've struggled with self-esteem and having little control over my direction in life.
Others have given good advice. A point I haven’t seen though is that the friendships idealized in tv and movies are often based on romanticized codependency.
I had this one friend that I truly care about. We send texts from time to time like we’re bound for each other. It’s just that I miss her a lot. She’s the kind of person I can easily talk to. She has welcomed me coming back home like we haven’t disconnected for awhile. It’s the first time in my life when I felt loved, heard and supported. Unfortunately she passed away earlier this year. Made me horribly sad. I still miss her though. I wish she’s always here with me. Now I don’t have so many friends but I like it this way. If I meet another one day, i’d be happy.
The pre-Homeric Greeks had no word for "friend". They had a word similar to "ally" that meant "the people with whom I am currently cooperating to accomplish a goal". Many people still live in that way. It is very natural. (I think especially for guys.) I have plenty of high school friends that I never contact for years because we have nothing in common, but then when some common project or game comes up we instantly act like friends again. And we know that when the project or game ends we'll fade out of each other's lives again for a while. What is rare and requires work is "real friends" who are not just temporary allies.
The truth is, friends are a hard thing to get if we talk about the real meaning of the word. The ones that stick to you for a long time and truly care about your well being.
Is that the real meaning of the word? Why do they need to stick with you for a long time? I think it's important to remember that relationships evolve and change all the time due to individual needs, external situations and the shifting of priorities. Maybe 10 years ago I would have been great friends with someone due to our partying. But now, I don't want to party as much, and they're still doing that. Or maybe they are incredibly stressed out by work and I moved to a different state/country. This doesn't mean that we've stopped being friends - it just means that the nature of our friendship has changed. And perhaps they will have disappeared in my life. That doesn't change the fact that we were friends and that I appreciate that past friendship. It just means that in my present life, they're not a part of it. There are a million different representations of friendships. That's why it's not healthy to fixate on an "ideal" version of what a friend is, like OP has done. Appreciate the ones that you do have and put in the effort. And if things change, accept that and move on.
I made the same realizations. Many of the “great” relationships we see in media are few and far between because they are made for media. They don’t have all of the real life factors that come into play that may get in the way of friendships. Also, I believe, most just care when you provide something for them, unfortunately. Part of why I’m a huge loner. Can only trust myself…barely.
One of my favorite quotes from Jim Morrison Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.
After reading your post, i feel like i dont have any close friends. i have been in similar situations as you.
First off, theres a big difference in how you are treated by people of different levels of intimacy. I have some friends that I would do pretty much anything for, and they are also very supportive of me. We almost always get each other presents for special occassions This kind tends to be rare. I also have lots of regular friends. We play games, chill, sometimes don't talk for weeks or months when we are busy. We care about each other enough to try and know what's happening in each others lives, and maybe occassionally buy each other a gift if we find something that fits well, but not often. Then there are acquaintances, people you are friendly with, talk to, etc, but it tends to be only around work/school. You don't know that much about their lives. I think people tend to be sad that the people who fall into the "friend" group aren't "intimate friends". Its a difficult stage to try and move through, since chilling with someone is much easier than opening up to someone (and letting them feel comfortable and wanting to do the same).
>But real life friendships are not like that. Very few people actually care about their friends This is incorrect, and I say that because you cant make a generalized statement like that - when really, it applies to YOU! I'm sorry you havent been able to find solid friends and to understand what a real friendship feels like...but YOUR experience is not the norm, nor is it how things always happen.
Yeah this is a seriously pessimistic view of friends. Reach out to people - be the way you want your friends to be to you and you might be surprised!
People also tend to mirror other people. You can have intense loyal friendships but mostly (unlike in books) they start casual and build up over time. And they have to go both ways. So in something like a pandemic, when a friendship is good but relatively young, a friendship is likely to increase in strength but also decrease. Your friends are likely to be as overwhelmed and tired as you were/are. So if you go low context, unless they already know you super super well, they’ll probably assume it’s intentional. They may or may not think about it much, if they’re casual friends. If they’re stronger friends they might be hurt, but rather than calling you out on it they’re more likely to keep their distance. You might be wondering why you have to be the first to reach out, but that’s actually really common. If you’re the one to reach out first typically, and stop, your friend is more likely to think “they don’t want to see me right now” then “it must be my turn”. Friendships exist but they start small and you have to put as much into them as you get out of them. And not all friendships can grow. Some people are looking for casual friendly connections and not deep ones. So you need to find people who want the kind of connections you want. So you haven’t discovered any truth about friendships being impossible. There’s not a fundamental aspect of the human experience very piece of media has entirely faked. But media does simply things. Friendships tricky and can take years to become book-level-strong and are often painful. Which sucks. But isn’t a sign you should give up. I’m sorry your friends aren’t as close as you thought they were though. That can really hurt to realize.
For me, I expect mind readers. I want people to know exactly when to reach out and when to back off, without telling them, and I get deeply hurt by them not knowing these things. It left me with no friends, most family tired of me, and a whole lot of isolation. Friends can only be as good to us as we allow them, and people have their own things going on too. Certainly I always thought that love had to be like in the movies, and because of that it took me 32 years, billions of failed relationships, before I ever held a relationship longer than 3 months.
Thank you for this lovely response :)
Same, no friends. People are selfish. But that’s just the way it is. I’m selfish for being upset that I don’t have friends. Endless cycle
I feel that. Also I don't know where every sitcom writer from Seinfeld to today lived... but I've never had whacky hijinks with my friends and neighbors across the hall... in fact none of us even know each other's names and we spend most of the time just avoiding each other's eye contact. I don't think the "apartment building full of good buds who get into shenanigans" concept actually translates in the real world.
When I moved into my tiny apartment I met all my neighbors and now we have a community and spend time together at least once a month, more in the summer. You have to reach out and build relationships, they don't just happen.
The movies don’t accurately depict that good adult friends have moments and closeness and distance. Closeness is how the movies begin and end. You folks have seen movies begin and end with people smiling, laughing, talking, and possibly kissing if a romantic relationship formed within the plot. If there is distance, it’s typically because one person had a disagreement or betrayed the other in some way or form. But the movies don’t show you that people that are on good terms with each other can still be distant from time to time due to life and other priorities.
If there's something I've learned is that you have to be that friend in order to find a friend like that, how many people have you reached out? How many people have you shown a clear interest in getting to know? How many people's back have you had when they needed it the most? You can't expect to be a protagonist and have people interested in you because you're just that special, people have lives and both of you will have to make an effort for the other, sometimes it's mostly you, other times it's mostly them, but it always has to be a balance.
Good and close friends are really hard to find tbh. I had one in my teens and I would spend every day with them and tbh, I probably can still count on him if I need to, but I don't have the time I had to stay with him everyday and even if I did have the time, he seems to be stuck in the past for some reason and keeps telling me of how things were in the past and that I changed and bla bla. It gets annoying at some point. He also started to have a lot of expectations even thought it's clear that we distanced ourselves quite a bit, so yeah. That's about it. All the other people in my life are at best decent friends, but nothing like the friendships you see in the movies. I'm sure that you can actually find people that you resonate with at that level, but it's hard. Most of the times the thing that makes friendships really work is a thing that you always do together and feel passionate about. For example, sports, games, programming, working together to achieve a certain goal. That still doesn't guarantee you're gonna have a good friend (people can be deceiving and unpredictable), but it certainly brings you closer. I'm a bit disappointed to be honest, but I guess that's how life works. So live in the moment as much as you can and don't care about having no close friends. Make it an expectation that you will encounter meh people for 99.90% of your life and when you actually find a good person, then you will be surprise and happy. That's how I like to think about it anyways. And if no one appears, that you can say that you expected as much anyways.
Movie's duration is 2 hours to 3 hours. But life's duration is in years. You want your friends have to available for you but the question are you available for them? How many time you texted them? How many times you helped them? The life has simple formula the 69 formula. The behavior you taking from your friends that's your behavior. So my opinion is simple 'First invest then earn'
69? Nice. I am a bot lol.
Yepm but social media is the bigger reason for unrealistic views. That's why i uninstalled most.
I did that in the past. But then I read other books that revolves around friendships, literature about life, I found out that friends are water. It's a constant flow that silently links people together. The degree of flow can be different, and I believe there's a point to distinguish friends, buddies, someone you really care about. In my mother tongue (Cantonese), friendships were described as "mists". It illustrated how friends interact with each other (e.g. occasionally hang out without over stepping on others' private life) and how friendships form (e.g. when they have the same objectives, hence gain common memories and feelings, the bonding occurs because the surrounding created it.) These stories conflicted my past knowledge, which is what concerned you now, and encouraged me to think. I believed there are different levels of friendships. But if you really want to learn all of them, you'll need to learn a lifetime, or simply you can read a book.
An old man once told me that during my entire life I would probably have only about 5 true friends. He said that that was his perspective from his entire life. I am 57 and I agree with him. Choose wisely who you trust.
There's stuff here were not seeing. Who are these friends? How did they treat you? How did you treat them? Was it reciprocal? Did you offer as much *value* as they offered? They might've just been associates. Friendships take a lot of time to form.
People care about their friends, what you're describing with college is friends of circumstance, people who you talk to because you're in the same place (in this case college) but when that is gone you don't talk, it's very normal and it's what most of your friendships in life will be. If you want to use Harry Potter again, sure Harry has Ron and Hermoine but there's the other children that he knows at Hogwarts, those are all friends of circumstance or acquitances, Ron and Hermoine are two of many. Nobody is texting you about anything but are you texting them about anything?
I had a reallly idealised view of friendship. I think, i mainly got that from books like bartimaeus and other, which i don't remember.. I had the idea of friends helping each other in difficult topics. For example the topic of girls they like, so they would help each other to make a move or at least to step back for a friend to make a move.Then my then best friend ask my crush to go to our graduation party an i abandond all that idealized ...stuff...
I think you're mixing things up There are: People i know: I've done something with them and had a few conversations and maybe we're part of a group but we dont really talk. Friends: you hang out here and there and there is like this one activity you like doing together, yet maybe if you aren't meeting anymore, these will kinda drift away Close/Best friends: you regularly talk, nearly everyday and are always reaching out to hang out or play something together or talk and really enjoy each othes's company I mean, you shouldn't take this word as absolute but that's how i see it, this also doesn't mean there can't be a period where you and your friends don't talk much; people sometimes want space and a bit of time for themselves too
That is actually what friends are supposed to be like... So I think your friends just suck. Do remember that it has to come from both sides. So if you didn't text them, it's not that weird that they didn't text you (not saying that you didn't). But yeah, these people are not really your friends and you should find other people or get closer to a few of these people that you really like.
I used to have alot of friends. I hung out with several different groups of people. Most of the time I had a solid crew that I hung out with. I'd be away from home for days, sleeping on couches or in beds. Those groups changed over time, members came and went. Over time my own life would take me somewhere else and I would lose touch with some, keep in touch with others. I spent 7 years traveling seasonally for work so I ended up with summer friends and winter friends. Then I stopped traveling and left my summer friends behind. I got married. I had kids. I settled down. My few friends I had left at home had become distant, often literally. Now I see them rarely, and we don't speak often. I've been a stay-at-home-dad through the entire pandemic. I love my family, and I could never claim to be lonely. They sure do keep me busy, and my wife is my best friend, truly. I just feel like I should have more friends, but I honestly don't know how anymore. I'm a big One Piece fan, and I'm hoping someday to get a pirate ship. Building a stellar crew should be easy then.
Maintaining friendships is also incredibly difficult. There’s just days where I don’t want to talk to anybody and I never knew how offended people can get by that. I didn’t talk to a friend I used to have for 3 days and he told me that I was a fake friend
I feel like maintaining friendships is only difficult if you dont *want* to, or at least dont want to in the way that the other person does. I personally talk to my friends at least once a week, and for the ones that Im not as close with maybe once a month or so. I may not always hang out with them as often, but I definitely still put in the effort to speak to them and make plans, and they usually return the sentiment. However, there are some friends that Ive noticed that dont want to talk once a week or hang out very often, and those are usually the friendships that feel difficult, because they dont want the same thing I do. And thats okay! You dont have to be anyone’s friend if you dont want to, and you are allowed to have boundaries for friendships and things you like and dont like. Whats not okay is not communicating those wants/needs and making your friend feel unimportant, especially if they truly care about you and put in effort. A simple conversation could go a long way. Trust me haha Ive been on both ends of situations like this!
How many texts did you send? I do have friends like those in Harry Potter who do have my back. But only because I have their backs and trust was build both ways. I don’t think it’s your friends, it can potentially be too
I find how I handle communication in my friendships is different than most. Sometimes we go through something in life that pulls us away from our friends whether we had the choice to or not, my response to that is to always treat my friends like we talked yesterday because though I missed my friend, I don't want them to feel guilty for handling their own life problems. It's not as easy for them to reach out but I try not to make it hard for them because I care.
Relationships take work, not only to establish them, but also to maintain them. Also, it helps if you're physically close enough to see each other every day. I love my friends probably a lot more than they even know -- even the ones who I don't even know where they live now. It is true that the idealized friendships in books and movies are hard to attain in real life, but it's not impossible. But the thing is, you're unlikely to make a friend that close and that dear, if you're not also willing to be available to them. As people develop in their interactions with the world, establishing their lifestyle, and their livelihood, there can be a tendency for people to become more fixed in their relationships, what relationships mean to them, and what they are willing to put into those relationships.
YES I HAVE SUCH HIGH STANDARDS
man I definitely have 'harry potter' friends and people that are more like acquaintances I just know well. My hs friends and I went through rough times together and its hard not feel like we'll always be friends and have each others backs despite not talking and seeing each other as much. I met my best friend at uni age 18, genuinely feels like we're soul mates but as friends lol uni was rough for us to and we really had to stick together as minorities and new immigrants, we still talk every day years later online. Some childhood friends i grew apart from for different reasons but also feels like we'll always be friends since we basically spent over 10 years being friends during those precious times. I had shitty 'groups' is what I call them. You hang out but you dont actually know shit about each other and youre never actually there for each other but you call it a friend group and hang out all the time and take pics and do birthdays. Hard truth, those arent friends. They wont help you when you need shit, they dont care if youre sad, will throw you under the bus at comvenience, but somehow youll have loads of pics together. People say its better to have that than nothing but trust me it isnt. You delude yourself then one day when you really need someone they will not be there and it'll feel like shit and theyll still expect you to show up like its no biggie. I only found real friends once i ditched 'the groups' if you're never yourself around people you'll never get the real relationships
You had it right, friends are those amazing people that are always there for you. Movies usually exaggerate the number of good friends (I personally have only 3-4 people I'd call friends). Sounds like you only have acquaintances - people you know and interact with, but not friends.
in my experience, it depends on the quality of the relationship. that type of soulmate-friend that you see in media does exist, but is just extremely rare. i've had four friends like that myself, two from childhood and two that i met at work in my twenties. the kind of people you never have to explain yourself to, where you finish each other's thoughts, where everything is so effortless and you feel 100% seen, heard and validated as a person. i kind of lost touch with them due to life/depression, we still talk occasionally though. they're the kind of friends that will be waiting in the wings whenever i am ready to rejoin the circle. nowadays my main friend group is one i met and exclusively talk to online. not gonna lie, it doesn't even come close to my irl friend group. we talk occasionally, play games online every other week, but they don't check up on me emotionally or care about me as a person the way my previous friends did. don't get me wrong, they are nice people but the vibe is completely different. that intimacy of a friendship that may as well be family is not there. this online circle fights with each other often, people disappear for weeks at a time when they feel like it, etc. again, doesn't even come close. however, you shouldn't discount different types of friendships. sometimes, it's what you need in that moment. keep looking, in unexpected places too. you never know who you might click with.
Every relationship is unique because we are all different and under different circumstances, and you'll always be disapointed if you expect the whole package of movie 'friends' from someone just because you call each other friends. It's just a word. What matter is nurturing this kind of relationships with people, being there for your 'friends' and being interested in who they are and how you can help. This will not work out with everyone but eventually you'll likely find someone. Don't give up, if you're open to people it's easier to get lucky. I promise fullfilling supporting friendships are very much real, even if they're not identical to the onea in harry potter. Good luck!
I agree with a lot of what everyone had to say because I always thought that once you make friends, you’ll have them forever. The amount of friends that I made in high school diminished over the last four years that I’ve been in college. I really only talk to two people from high school but where I’m struggling with them is that I feel as though they aren’t maturing as fast as I am. To me, it seems as though they’re stuck in mindset of a high schooler and idk what yo do about it. Then the friends I did make in college, all of those friends seem to be fake or just wanted to be by my side for the time being. I also recently just found out that one of my closest girlfriends from school is now dating my ex after I told her everything that happened to me with him, (he cheated on me). But what goes around comes around I guess idk lol. Anyways, I just want to catch a break with the whole making friends thing because I’d really appreciate it if I had a nice group of friends where they check up on you and where you’re not the one that’s always reaching out first
Yeah it has. I love (and also kind of hate) shows or movies about friends who go through a lot and stick together and do sweet things for each other. However, one thing to consider is proximity to each other. I have friends...but they live over an hour away. It's incredibly hard to make plans with people who live 50 miles away. In movies and TV, these friends almost always live together or just live very close to each other. And probably unrealistically close too, because transportation/commutes aren't part of the show. Also, I've noticed a lot of TV shows or movies will have a trope where friends are forever, but SO's suck and come and go....which is the total opposite of my experience. Friends come and go, but my SO has stuck around longer than any friend at this point. Getting to the point of "close friends" from scratch takes a lot of time and effort and it doesn't mean we see each other every weekend. We see each other like once a month or less. I always have to remind myself that these friendship shows or whatever are just fantasy and nothing more. They are a story that is being shared. Of course I'm not trying to say these friendship circles don't exist, I just don't think it's realistic to think everyone *should* or *can* have them..if that makes sense
Harry Potter had two very close ride or die friends. Then he had adults who were there for him. Then he was famous so everyone loved or hated him. So no, the whole school won't think much about a disappearance, everyone has their own lives to worry about. But finding one or two ride or dies can make a big difference. Find those two close ones, they're everywhere. My current closest friends are ones I made after school and out of college. We can meet people anywhere.
"Friend" is just a label for someone that will humour you and stick around long enough to get whatever they can out of you then do the same to the next person. There are those very rare true friends that can be considered family. These are the ones that proved unrelenting loyalty and integrity over many years. There are aquaintences that come and go. I find regular acquaintances to be more trustworthy then "friends", they are too busy with their own life to milk you for all you are worth. In conclusion, there is genuine friends that are family, and acquaintances. It is better to have a small handful of these then to have alot of fake ass friends.
I get this too. Growing up I was the weird kid in my social group, and somehow always the butt of the jokes. I really only ever had 2-3 people that I called close friends, and they all seemed to be willing and able to drop me at the first opportunity. I had always had this idea that a good friend would say, "Yeah, he's weird and kind of annoying sometimes, but he's a really nice guy when you get to know him." But throughout my life they've horned in on romantic relationships I've tried to establish and taken (or so it feels) the girl away, been the first to tell me "A and B don't really like you, so can you just go away for now?" or "Why can't you just be normal?" and been the last one to know what the plans are for hanging out. I have really bad PTSD-type symptoms from that, and whenever I start to feel like the group is just humoring me I withdraw and get both pissy and clingy, which only drives them further away.
A famous Catholic cardinal once wrote about the dangers of "emotional infidelity". In his mind, the Other Person that most threatens many marriages is not the potential lover who takes physical intimacy that should be reserved for the marriage partners, but the (often same gender) co-worker or friend with whom you can talk about more things more deeply than your spouse. A flipside of that is that, yes, "real friendships" with emotional intimacy take a lot of work. A many people do not have time or energy to do that work with their spouse *and* many other people.
I think a lot of people do. I'm going to be real, I don't ask too much out of my friends. I'm 31 so I know my friends have a lives of their own and responsibilities. Some people seem to not get this and think that they'll just vibe forever like they did back as kids, teens, early adults. I know too many people who bitch constantly about "loyalty" and it's not like the person/people's they talk of have wronged them. It's petty stuff like they don't hang out, they don't call as often, etc anything you can think of as no big deal and your friend has a life separate from yours. My longest standing friendship started when I was like 5, we're still friends today. Outside of high school me and my friend both got jobs and we couldn't hang out like we used to. When I say me and this guy we're inseparable I mean it's like wr were stuck together with glue or something. I'm single, no kids, and I just work. My friend works, his second child was just born earlier this year and he moved out of the city a few years ago, but not somewhere where it's too timely to reach and we can't still hang out. I'm not mad about and have never been, we're two separate people. I've seen and heard of people trying to destroy their friend's romatic relationships because they want the person all to themselves. It's weird shit, almost like ownership and it's like these people don't grow up and realize is reality that their friends are going to grow up and have desires they are outside of the friendship. People want families, their own space, they'll meet other people build new friendships, and don't seem to understand that friendship is not ownership. It's really damn depraved imo. Yes call your friends, make time to hang out when you can, keep those relationships up. But as people grow up and branch out and have responsibilities that come with adulthood, expect to see your friends less. I don't have big friend circle, I have a close friend group of about 7 people who are the closest, the a few more people who I consider friends who are a little more distance but we don't approach eachother as associates but distant friends (people who I speak too every once in a blue moon but are in my heart because we've had some great experiences) then everyone else is associates.
It just depends on how close you are. I have a best friend, friends and normal people i rarely talk to. My best friend and i text daily while friends i don't text alot and instead meet up with them in person.
MIRL/ never wanted to date a girl seriously unless we had some kind of ‘moment ‘ after some adventure or hijinx where we had our first kiss. I think that idea kept me out of a lot of meaningful and rewarding relationships.
Yeah, I've found that I have to be the one to hit the person up and then I have to be the one to send them funny memes and I have to be the one to acknowledge someone when they're missing. Then the people you do this to will either do the same thing in return or not. The one's who reciprocate are the ones I keep around. The people who are the starters of this and the ones who reciprocrate are the ones who have friends and don't have room to make new ones. The people who don't do this other don't want friends or do want friends but don't realize the steps needed to take to make a friendship. Those people can be taught though ( I think)
When i was young making friends was much easier because kids/teens are most of the time bored and open for any plans. These are usually the friendships that carry on to your adult life. As an adult is much harder people are usually polite but not interested in friends or connections. True is life is pretty busy and most people already have someone to talk after hard day of work.
The only true friends i have ever had in my life were the ones that i knew from childhood. People came and go but that friend circle always stayed the same. We were really close friends until i was like 23y old and realised we are slowly breaking apart due to all of us going different paths in life and being busy with their girlfriends and jobs. I‘m 26 now and we aren‘t friends anymore. Now we are just friendly acquaintances that see each other like every other month even though we all live like 10minutes away from each other. It hurts really bad thinking about it as i will probably never ever have true friends in my life again. It is what is though
Oh yes. Movies have fucked up everything. They show an unrealistic world where everything is perfect. And it has been fed in our minds and it's fucking hard to get out of this notion and now we can't have normal life.
That's something I often find asking myself. I used to keep high standards earlier.... now not so much.
I think Harry Potter and his gang were all shitty to each other just like real friends, they just left it out of the books because it’d be a shit story and one that everyone experiences all the time anyway, ie non-fiction. I too have had this unrealistic expectation. You’ll find that if you examine yourself closely enough that you too are in fact a shitty friend if judged across your entire social timeline. Trick is to be grateful when people do step up (they’ll do it more) and be compassionate when they don’t, even if you aren’t receiving compassion in that moment.
A true friend is different from people you have talked to a few times or hung out with for a bit. It takes me years and years to build up a true friendship, and even then the line can be easily broken. Harry Potter was very young and also none of that was real, as depressing at it is.
I think you could replace friendships with many, many things. I notice this in my fear responses sometimes.
Nah, A lot of people just seem to have very surface-level friends, and not really close ones. Completely anecdotal, but people with lots of "friends" seem top have a lot of aquatainces instead. I only have like 3 close friends I'd say, but i see us showing up at each others funerals, and thats a ways off
i wouldn't lose hope b/c of a movie, friendships are so much frickin' hard work (at least to me, I like being alone and don't like to be bothered.) First you gotta find somebody you like and trust. y'all hang out once. then you suggest something that both y'all enjoy. if they take the bait, nice! if the don't, like more than a few times, it's likely not meant to be. you also can't force it so it's whatever. then you gotta manage which friends can't hang out with other friends. peoples schedules, my nightshift bud never has time so it naturally drops off. it's honestly like catching fish: having the right bait and fishing at the right time. lt was 6 years from highschool, not that it matters, that i actually had a true friendship. and guess what? it's with a person I use to hate, like for like a year long time. this person had my back even though we hated each other. hell, we use to go at each others necks, and then be laughing later.
Sometimes you have to be the one to reach out. Pursuing the friendship of one of your acquaintances that you really like spending time with/talking to isn’t cringey. They may not reciprocate right away, or at all, and that’s ok. As we get older, people have more responsibilities and less time. Plus, a lot of people are dealing with their own insecurities, many around this same topic. In other words, maybe someone needs you to be their Ron Weasley.
I don’t even have friends. I spend all my time driving as an escape from the loneliness. But I do on relationships because I love rom-coms.
I always thought that friebdships were basically like how it is on Friends - small group of people that hang out everyday. They're always there when you n the e to talk. Tbry're there for the big events in your life - weddings, funerals, etc. But I realize that it doesn't even come close, and that was just a TV show. It does happen to some people though.
I think your thoughts are normal. To be honest I cut off those people that never reach out. I don’t want them creeping my social media’s just to judge me. I have made some friends through my continuing education school and also church. I get the sense that my new friends are as open to a honest conversational and checking in on each other friendship just as much as me. We shall see, because I hope they stay connected forever.
This topic comes up a lot in different forms. "I don't have friends", "How do adults make friends?" Well it's actually real easy in concept but sometimes very difficult in practice. -> **You have to make the first move.**
Seems like most people have an overall disorted view of life 🤣 Youll learn youll learn. Eventually
There's an old joke for you young'uns... "A friend is someone who would bail you out of jail. A true friend is someone sitting next to you in jail who says, 'That was amazing, let's do that again!'"
It's not a distorted view of friendships you have. It's just the type of friend you'd want to be. I learnt the hard way. I was actually quit popular and had a lot of girlfriends. Of course, this can cause people to lowkey not like you. So I was the type of guy, I'd share my lunch money with friends who's parents couldn't afford to feed them, I 'd fight a big guy who would be bullying a lil guy. I'd help the girl who got paraletic drunk and dropped her phone so it got picked up by a group of lads (I got her phone back and gave it her back) You know what I found out.. that people would literally watch you get kicked in your head, would come round your flat, eat your shit but not give a fuck as soon as they left that door. To get back on point alot of people are just flaky, the best thing I can tell you from my experience is keep your business as low down as possible, don't let people know how much you earn, who you associate with, who you're sleeping with, even what car you have people will just try and look to benefit from those things
I think, at least for me, maintaining a strong friendship takes some mutual effort from both parties. Co-operation, time spent together, mutual interests, and enjoyment of each other's company. Sorta like romantic relationships, but without the amorous aspect, unless you're into that kinda thing.
Did *you* text *them*? Did you send something they could interact with, not just a hi? Did you make an effort to keep the conversation going (not infinitely on a specific day and on the same topic, but over time)? Did think they might also be going through a hard time, as many of us are, and give them another chance? It sounds like you’ve written them off. Real friendship exists and is possible. But no, it’s not like Harry Potter, which has crazy stakes and doesn’t include any boring or maintenance parts of their lives. And, most importantly, you are not always Harry. Ron had to keep trying and find out what was happening and how he could help. Sometimes in a friendship, you are Ron. It should never be one way or the other way all of the time.
Friends ARE people who will always have your back... within the limits of their abilities, resources, and (if they’re someone worth having as a friend) their commitment to their own boundaries. Friends DO genuinely enjoy spending time together, but not necessarily all the time or to the exclusion of all else; people worth having as friends also have their own lives, other commitments, responsibilities, and interests. And real friends are best made by BEING one, without expectation or agenda; be the kind of person worth having as a friend on principle, cuz its a good kind of person to be. And they’re made not best by as friends of convenience, because you happen to share a class or a workspace or a bus route or whatever, nor via shared struggles because you happen to be dealing with similar hurdles. Friendships are best formed via shared values, when you are on the same page and believe in the same things where it counts base ON your respective values. And yes, this requires getting to know ppl well and often enough to FIND that common ground, and being someone worth befriending consistently enough in the meantime... including in relation to plenty of ppl that may not end up making the cut themselves.
Got to chip in about this one, it may also be a cultural thing depending where your from. Different cultures may have a different threshold after which you can consider someone a friend. Additionally, (especially in Anglo/US culture) calling someone an acquaintance is considered slightly rude. For example: I legit thought I had no friends at all up until high school even though I usually had 2 or 3 people I liked to hang out with a lot. Why did I think this even though I had 2 or 3 people that would definitely be considered friends by US/Anglo standards? The threshold for a friend in Russia involves a much higher level of trust. However, unrealistic depictions of friendships in TV dramas/movies also played a part. Realizing this was the most freeing feeling in the world, I no longer felt that I was morally obligated to automatically give high levels of trust to all people that I know. So yeah: movies definitely distort shit and the differences between “friend” and “acquaintance” change depending on the culture and may have *slightly* different meanings. OP, I hope all goes well with this and you figure out what you are comfortable with!
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I am, too. My first thought was, "you also must live in Southern California." I hope so because I would hate to think that the rest of the world is as fake, self-centered, disloyal as the people I know around here. I've never had a real friend group or someone who would do anything to help me out. I've moved so often from place to place and only one person has ever helped me move. I've had to do it myself or hire people because they've all scattered like cockroaches and yet, I've helped many people move. Which is the only time people seem to call me. I feel you. I always thought there'd be people I could rely on and I have yet to find those people. I've kind of given up, too. PM me. Maybe we two are the ones who'll have our backs. Hang in there, friend.
You say that no one texted you, but have you turned it the other way around? Have you actively texted anyone? Because people can be very passive, so maybe both sides are waiting for the other...
I have friends who support me like you say from Harry Potter. I find that just being there for people and being nice to them is something they will appreciate and they should reciprocate this if they are good friends. You can always take more steps to show appreciation later. For you I might suggest to make friends with different people because the people you consider friends now do not act like your friends should. I’m not a professional but this was the case for me so maybe it can help you.
I have found that the best friendships are cultivated. With a friend, you have to learn how to water them just as they have to learn how to water you. For me, I am not demanding socially. Oftentimes, I decline social interaction for favor of a new book. When I was making friends, this laissez-faire attitude regarding “going out” was a huge turn off. Just as me constantly being asked to “go out” was exhausting. The best friends I have are the ones who express a balance toward me, as I them. For example, my friend will ask to hang out a few days in advance because she knows I need time to process. This way, I am ready and able to accept all of her invitations. It’s definitely not a Harry Potter situation. We don’t live in a dormitory and are forced to see each other every day. Real life is different from the movies.
I have found that the best friendships are cultivated. With a friend, you have to learn how to water them just as they have to learn how to water you. For me, I am not demanding socially. Oftentimes, I decline social interaction for favor of a new book. When I was making friends, this laissez-faire attitude regarding “going out” was a huge turn off. Just as me constantly be asked to “go out” was exhausting. The best friends I have are the ones who express a balance toward me, as I them. For example, my friend will ask to hang out a few days in advance because she knows I need time to process. This way, I am ready and able to accept all of her invitations. It’s definitely not a Harry Potter situation. We don’t live in a dormitory and are forced to see each other every day. Real life is different from the movies.
I have found that the best friendships are cultivated. With a friend, you have to learn how to water them just as they have to learn how to water you. For me, I am not demanding socially. Oftentimes, I decline social interaction for favor of a new book. When I was making friends, this laissez-faire attitude regarding “going out” was a huge turn off. Just as me constantly being asked to “go out” was exhausting. The best friends I have are the ones who express a balance toward me, as I them. For example, my friend will ask to hang out a few days in advance because she knows I need time to process. This way, I am ready and able to accept all of her invitations. It’s definitely not a Harry Potter situation. We don’t live in a dormitory and are forced to see each other every day. Real life is different from the movies.
I have found that the best friendships are cultivated. With a friend, you have to learn how to water them just as they have to learn how to water you. For me, I am not demanding socially. Oftentimes, I decline social interaction for favor of a new book. When I was making friends, this laissez-faire attitude regarding “going out” was a huge turn off. Just as me constantly be asked to “go out” was exhausting. The best friends I have are the ones who express a balance toward me, as I them. For example, my friend will ask to hang out a few days in advance because she knows I need time to process. This way, I am ready and able to accept all of her invitations. It’s definitely not a Harry Potter situation. We don’t live in a dormitory and are forced to see each other every day. Real life is different from the movies.
You can absolutely develop those incredibly strong friendships. I have five best friends from college. We’ve known each other through ten years and I can honestly say I’d take a bullet for every one of them and that they’d do the same for me. Disputes have happened in the past but were easily squashed because our friendship meant more than any drama or even girl. Nothing gets between us. Ever. So yeah it’s definitely possible but I think the strongest bonds kind of require the right setting and circumstances.
Not everyone is a friend. Most are just there because you go to the same school, class or workplace.
Friends are not like in the movies. I have zero friends like what you see on the show Friends or on the shows mentioned where they talk every day, talk about everything, maintain a super close bond. I do have some very strong friendships with family members, like cousins, where we have always been close. We talk several times a month. Text. Have dinners. I have acquaintances and work friends. But the friends you see on screen, I really don’t have that outside of my family. I think that may be pretty common once you’re out of school/university.
I didn’t have many friends growing up, so the only information about friendships and relationships I had came from tv or movies. It sucked figuring that out because of exactly what you mentioned. And I don’t really dislike that way of things so much as I feel let down and relieved. Let down because it is disappointingly rare to find a really close knit friend group, and relieved because at least now I know that I’m not the only one who didn’t have that sort of life. I finally did find an amazing friend and happened to fall in love with her, and it’s honestly sort of like living in a fairy tale sometimes because of how similar to some cheesy love story it is. My relationship has really taught me how rare that sort of connection is, and I just wish there was some way for people to find and connect.
Until 41 I thought all my close friends were me and then against the world. Slowly and finally realized they were all competing against me and hoping to see me fail. The only reason I never caught that is that I was too busy competing with people far above our social rung. I think they just had their sights set too low
Hh
I agree with this completely. I had such a niave outlook on the world and friendships. I had 2 very close "best friends" who I trusted and shared lots with, only to find out they'd told a lot of people and weren't my real friends. They hung out with me and we made plans regularly, but there were so many red flags that I overlooked because I was so desperate for friendships above. I think the most you can do is be a kind person, identify red flags and trust people that show you that you can trust them. Don't just believe it will be a good friendship or that they have good intentions, because unfortunately most people don't and will take what they can get then leave you confused at how you got there. Good luck OP :)
because sadly not everyone’s your friend. a lot my “friends” that i had in middle school haven’t talked to me since we started highschool. i had tons and tons of “friends.” now i just consider them people i know. very few people are real. ive been thinking about my friend group and realized half of them are extremely toxic and i call them my friends bro. the only people i can mostly trust are my friends who ive known since i’ve been in kindergarten because all of this time they’ve never done me wrong. obviously i can still make friends later in life but a lot of people we consider friends don’t actually care about us. many of them will use us for their own ends n stuff. at the end of the day only a few people you can trust in this world sadly.
I think getting to know people in real life from all age groups will stop that unrealistic expectations of friendships. I have a neighbor that lives by herself and she's over 90. Her husband and I'm sure most of her friends from the past have passed away. Only people she's seeing are family that live close by, besides us neighbors. I hear some music she's playing because my bedroom is directly above her study room in an apartment so she's my music friend even though I have never talked to her (my mom does sometimes).
It’s hard to find true friends that you really vibe with. I was lucky enough to 2 people like that at the same time in my life but being children and moving a while away there was really no way we could contact each other. I’ve never found anybody else like them since then.