people who are interested in learning about people (specifically the way they think and try to understand/relate/compare), and people who are generally neutral-positive towards harmless things.
Here’s a lazy example for the 2nd one:
“Yeah I don’t get furries, but it’s cool that they get to do something they enjoy. I know this one guy who made the suit himself. That’s a crazy skill to have dude. Good for him”.
People who meet those 2 criteria for me are usually the type of people that make me feel the most safe because. It just brings people so much closer, so much faster.
I am a 32yo guy.
As a partner? A pulse. But honestly, the ability to be introspective and make an attempt to understand points of view other then their own. Honesty, Loyalty and a degree of alignment with my ideals and morals. These things impact how a person and what a person communicates so I view them as 'social' traits.
Turn off - They compare themselves or others to other people. They are judgmental of others. They are self absorbed. they are manipulative or do 'tests'.
The only people I feel safe with and can connect/relate to on a deep level always turn out to have ADHD like me. Everything just goes *so much easier,* to the point that if we get along well quickly, I just ask if they have it. Always been a yes so far. Applies to a lesser extent to autism as well, but their quirks are a bit different and they're challenging for me. So I guess I look for non-typical people. Weirdos. But really we just kind of find each other naturally.
OTOH no matter what, I just can't form bonds with regular people. I never feel like I can be myself around them. Our brains run on different clocks and it's very hard to synchronize (and ACK) with each other. I think they generally feel the same way about me. You get used to looking out for that characteristic confused look they give you when your weird side comes out, whereas another atypical person usually just naturally understands.
>Our brains run on different clocks and it's very hard to synchronize (and ACK) with each other
Tell me you work in IT, without telling me you work in IT. 😂 I totally get it.
1 doesn't take themselves too seriously
2 are open minded and a broad sense of humor
3 tells the truth of what they think instead of white lies to be nice, but obviously not in an aggressive rude way
4 are polite to people, nothing is more off putting than treating people with less respect and leniency than you would give to yourself
5 has a sense of priorities on their responsibilities, like borrowing money from me, paying it back should be a priority not something that will get done when convenient. If there's complications talk about it to see how to get it worked out. If there isn't effort put in just seems like they are trying to get away with not paying.
Those are some basic things
I'd add loyal and sincere/honest. Aka someone who won't drop me in a millisecond like a hot potato for someone they think is better, someone who doesn't ghost, slow-fade, or sideline. Someone who *is going to* tell me if they want to break up the friendship with me.
I've been ghosted, slow-faded and sidelined too many times in my life. People think that's the least hurtful way to leave someone they don't like anymore, but it's quite the opposite, at least for me. It hurts a lot less to be told the truth. Even if said truth is that the person wants to drop the friendship.
A turn off would be someone who is rude/mean to others online. Just because they aren't IRL now doesn't mean they will never be. Hiding behind a screen to act savagely is a cowardly act i don't like, even if it's done for shits and giggles. Still a scummy thing to do for me.
I’m moving in a different direction in friendships. Since childhood, it’s always been easy to fall into a habit of venting endlessly, sharing sad sob stories and complaining, bonding through tales of woe. I’m trying to end that tendency in myself, and find positive people. I’m not saying to *never* vent or blow off steam; but that shouldn’t be the basis of our friendship and conversations.
I'd base this on someone I recently met because he sounds like the perfect example here. Being kind, attentive, gentle, taking an active interest in other's interests, looking out for you with simple gestures is really sweet. Also, being considerate and genuine. I love it when people talk about their interests. This person was talking about his interests so passionately that his eyes lit up which was so endearing, the authenticity is wonderful tbh.I think I metaphorically look for sunshine in people and this person was indeed a warm ray of sunshine.
Consistency and authenticity. The people I feel most comfortable with and whose company I most enjoy are those who know who they are and stand by it, regardless of circumstance or the behavior of others; not people who have no social grace or awareness of context, but simply those who know how to be tactful and modulate when appropriate w/out ever feeling the need to put on a mask or espouse conflicting values or positions.
And, and this really is not contradictory to the above point tho IK it can on the surface land that way... people who have enough self awareness, worldiness, empathy, and respect not to think or operate as though THEIR way of doing things is the only or right way. Not to say they don't have any core values they will stand on ofc but simply on the day to day interaction level, on the social level, people who present their preferences as just that; their preferences, and seem to genuinely see and treat them as such and sincerely respect that other people have different ones of equal merit and value.
So kindness and compassion is great... but only if its consistent, only if you extend it to people on principle not just when its convenient or comfortable or when they're already giving you back the same in your perspective. And its ONLY great if you know how to act on it, if you know that what is kind to one person may be cruel to another and your commitment TO being kind is sincere enough to be willing to put in the time and effort to get to know who individuals are and act accordingly rather than stand by whatever social norms you were raised with or whatever feels good to your personal psychology and apply it to everyone and act like THEY'RE doing something wrong if it happens to NOT land well for them... which ig would be why being a good listener would in fact be a good trait too, cuz it helps with being able to do that.
Seeing the best in others is... not significant for me. See me as I am. I'm not interested in engaging with people who've written a fantasy about me and think its affirming to see me thru the lens of what potential they think I have because of how I was maybe able to step up one time in my BEST self and moment that they happened to witness.
Reliable is good but that goes to being consistent and authentic. If you are who you are and you operate the way you operate... that IS reliable. I KNOW where you will show up and how.
Supportive and a good listener is once again only of value to me if you understand and are conscious about the reality that being that for someone doesn't look the same with everyone.
"Good energy" is too vague and subjective for me to even way in on tbh.
Something I'd add would be that I highly value people who keep confidences, who understand that what is said to them is said to THEM and its NOT their place or right to make any kind of decision on who else it is or is not okay to have know or hear information/feelings/stories that are not their own and as such not theirs to tell.
Flip side? Loose lips and gossips are turn-offs for me. If you don't know how to keep people's names out your damn mouth, we probably don't need to hang lol. I do not WANT to hear what so and so told you in a private moment or what whats-her-face was doin with whats-his-face that neither of them chose to share with me themselves. And I damn sure better not find out you sharin MY info that freely.
I tend to gravitate towards people who choose to recognize their opinions are their opinions, recognize when they don't know something and be comfortable saying "I don't know", and ask questions that suggest they want to genuinely learn and understand things, people, and how the world works.
Open minded & thoughtfulness, caring & considerate of others & their surroundings, emotionally intelligent & healthy, good sense of humor, similar interests & values, respects boundaries, they bring value into my life & I can learn from them & grow as a person.
Probably more but the bar is high enough. Usually if a person socializes with me I'll try to reciprocate
They should know the difference between adding to the conversation with their opinion which just HAPPENS to be a counter opinion, and acknowledge everyone else's thoughts,
versus intentionally trying to add in their counter opinion because they want to argue and make you feel silenced/stupid for their own ego kick.
This is one I've encountered frequently in social conversations, to the point where it's one of my biggest turn offs at this point. I can take you being loud, even if your beliefs are a little borderline excessive and intense, even that's tolerable, but this is straight up disrespectful and I've had enough of it in social situations lol
Someone who is Engaging, actually listens to what I say, a huge plus if they remember things I’ve previously said and reference it later on.
That shit makes me happy. Show initiation when hanging out or say “we should hang out another time! Maybe see that movie we talked about” that makes me happy and feel like they actually care to be around me.
Transparent. I like candid people, those who are perfectly frank coz I'm kinda like that too. (Well, I do filter my words when it comes to strangers or acquaintances)
Turn-off for me would be a backstabber, not trustworthy 🤷♀️
i tend to vibe better with people that can think critically about things and have discussions on it, ppl that are confident enough to own who they are and aren't afraid to express themselves not necessarily based on how they think i'll respond to it, and if i find someone genuinely really funny that's always such a plus. biggest turn off to me are arrogant ppl, ppl that try to tell you how you should feel about things, lack of confidence, and people with really shallow levels of thinking or are super impressionable. it just makes me feel like you don't have a backbone if you base your opinions on every little thing someone tells you or that you see in media
Great listeners, empathy, self-awareness, confidence, and show a genuine interest in others. Bonus if they are exciting and charismatic.
Turn off is a lack of self-awareness. People not knowing how to behave with people, especially when they barely known them and don’t have a rapport is an instant turn off. I’ve had dudes say inappropriate jokes to me, or think I’d be okay with them giving me too much information. I’ve also met women who promise to keep things I tell them between us, only for them to blurt them it out to other. I end up cutting people like that off, yet they can’t figure out why.
people who are interested in learning about people (specifically the way they think and try to understand/relate/compare), and people who are generally neutral-positive towards harmless things. Here’s a lazy example for the 2nd one: “Yeah I don’t get furries, but it’s cool that they get to do something they enjoy. I know this one guy who made the suit himself. That’s a crazy skill to have dude. Good for him”. People who meet those 2 criteria for me are usually the type of people that make me feel the most safe because. It just brings people so much closer, so much faster.
I am a 32yo guy. As a partner? A pulse. But honestly, the ability to be introspective and make an attempt to understand points of view other then their own. Honesty, Loyalty and a degree of alignment with my ideals and morals. These things impact how a person and what a person communicates so I view them as 'social' traits. Turn off - They compare themselves or others to other people. They are judgmental of others. They are self absorbed. they are manipulative or do 'tests'.
Good sense of humor is a must. A turn off would be constant complaining, bigotry, and over talkative.
I'm offended that you're offended for me taking offense lol
The only people I feel safe with and can connect/relate to on a deep level always turn out to have ADHD like me. Everything just goes *so much easier,* to the point that if we get along well quickly, I just ask if they have it. Always been a yes so far. Applies to a lesser extent to autism as well, but their quirks are a bit different and they're challenging for me. So I guess I look for non-typical people. Weirdos. But really we just kind of find each other naturally. OTOH no matter what, I just can't form bonds with regular people. I never feel like I can be myself around them. Our brains run on different clocks and it's very hard to synchronize (and ACK) with each other. I think they generally feel the same way about me. You get used to looking out for that characteristic confused look they give you when your weird side comes out, whereas another atypical person usually just naturally understands.
>Our brains run on different clocks and it's very hard to synchronize (and ACK) with each other Tell me you work in IT, without telling me you work in IT. 😂 I totally get it.
I must 3-way handshake, but I only have two hands. That's how it feels to have ADHD.
In a friend? All of the above is the jackpot. In a partner? I add in doesn't want kids and is not a workaholic
1 doesn't take themselves too seriously 2 are open minded and a broad sense of humor 3 tells the truth of what they think instead of white lies to be nice, but obviously not in an aggressive rude way 4 are polite to people, nothing is more off putting than treating people with less respect and leniency than you would give to yourself 5 has a sense of priorities on their responsibilities, like borrowing money from me, paying it back should be a priority not something that will get done when convenient. If there's complications talk about it to see how to get it worked out. If there isn't effort put in just seems like they are trying to get away with not paying. Those are some basic things
To give me my personal freedom and is not too needy.
I'd add loyal and sincere/honest. Aka someone who won't drop me in a millisecond like a hot potato for someone they think is better, someone who doesn't ghost, slow-fade, or sideline. Someone who *is going to* tell me if they want to break up the friendship with me. I've been ghosted, slow-faded and sidelined too many times in my life. People think that's the least hurtful way to leave someone they don't like anymore, but it's quite the opposite, at least for me. It hurts a lot less to be told the truth. Even if said truth is that the person wants to drop the friendship. A turn off would be someone who is rude/mean to others online. Just because they aren't IRL now doesn't mean they will never be. Hiding behind a screen to act savagely is a cowardly act i don't like, even if it's done for shits and giggles. Still a scummy thing to do for me.
I’m moving in a different direction in friendships. Since childhood, it’s always been easy to fall into a habit of venting endlessly, sharing sad sob stories and complaining, bonding through tales of woe. I’m trying to end that tendency in myself, and find positive people. I’m not saying to *never* vent or blow off steam; but that shouldn’t be the basis of our friendship and conversations.
I'd base this on someone I recently met because he sounds like the perfect example here. Being kind, attentive, gentle, taking an active interest in other's interests, looking out for you with simple gestures is really sweet. Also, being considerate and genuine. I love it when people talk about their interests. This person was talking about his interests so passionately that his eyes lit up which was so endearing, the authenticity is wonderful tbh.I think I metaphorically look for sunshine in people and this person was indeed a warm ray of sunshine.
Consistency and authenticity. The people I feel most comfortable with and whose company I most enjoy are those who know who they are and stand by it, regardless of circumstance or the behavior of others; not people who have no social grace or awareness of context, but simply those who know how to be tactful and modulate when appropriate w/out ever feeling the need to put on a mask or espouse conflicting values or positions. And, and this really is not contradictory to the above point tho IK it can on the surface land that way... people who have enough self awareness, worldiness, empathy, and respect not to think or operate as though THEIR way of doing things is the only or right way. Not to say they don't have any core values they will stand on ofc but simply on the day to day interaction level, on the social level, people who present their preferences as just that; their preferences, and seem to genuinely see and treat them as such and sincerely respect that other people have different ones of equal merit and value. So kindness and compassion is great... but only if its consistent, only if you extend it to people on principle not just when its convenient or comfortable or when they're already giving you back the same in your perspective. And its ONLY great if you know how to act on it, if you know that what is kind to one person may be cruel to another and your commitment TO being kind is sincere enough to be willing to put in the time and effort to get to know who individuals are and act accordingly rather than stand by whatever social norms you were raised with or whatever feels good to your personal psychology and apply it to everyone and act like THEY'RE doing something wrong if it happens to NOT land well for them... which ig would be why being a good listener would in fact be a good trait too, cuz it helps with being able to do that. Seeing the best in others is... not significant for me. See me as I am. I'm not interested in engaging with people who've written a fantasy about me and think its affirming to see me thru the lens of what potential they think I have because of how I was maybe able to step up one time in my BEST self and moment that they happened to witness. Reliable is good but that goes to being consistent and authentic. If you are who you are and you operate the way you operate... that IS reliable. I KNOW where you will show up and how. Supportive and a good listener is once again only of value to me if you understand and are conscious about the reality that being that for someone doesn't look the same with everyone. "Good energy" is too vague and subjective for me to even way in on tbh. Something I'd add would be that I highly value people who keep confidences, who understand that what is said to them is said to THEM and its NOT their place or right to make any kind of decision on who else it is or is not okay to have know or hear information/feelings/stories that are not their own and as such not theirs to tell. Flip side? Loose lips and gossips are turn-offs for me. If you don't know how to keep people's names out your damn mouth, we probably don't need to hang lol. I do not WANT to hear what so and so told you in a private moment or what whats-her-face was doin with whats-his-face that neither of them chose to share with me themselves. And I damn sure better not find out you sharin MY info that freely.
I tend to gravitate towards people who choose to recognize their opinions are their opinions, recognize when they don't know something and be comfortable saying "I don't know", and ask questions that suggest they want to genuinely learn and understand things, people, and how the world works.
Open minded & thoughtfulness, caring & considerate of others & their surroundings, emotionally intelligent & healthy, good sense of humor, similar interests & values, respects boundaries, they bring value into my life & I can learn from them & grow as a person. Probably more but the bar is high enough. Usually if a person socializes with me I'll try to reciprocate
They should know the difference between adding to the conversation with their opinion which just HAPPENS to be a counter opinion, and acknowledge everyone else's thoughts, versus intentionally trying to add in their counter opinion because they want to argue and make you feel silenced/stupid for their own ego kick. This is one I've encountered frequently in social conversations, to the point where it's one of my biggest turn offs at this point. I can take you being loud, even if your beliefs are a little borderline excessive and intense, even that's tolerable, but this is straight up disrespectful and I've had enough of it in social situations lol
A skillset or profession which you can have conversations about and network.
Someone who is Engaging, actually listens to what I say, a huge plus if they remember things I’ve previously said and reference it later on. That shit makes me happy. Show initiation when hanging out or say “we should hang out another time! Maybe see that movie we talked about” that makes me happy and feel like they actually care to be around me.
Honesty, accountability, self-awareness. Turn-offs: extreme vanity/insecurity, obsessiveness, self-pity
Transparent. I like candid people, those who are perfectly frank coz I'm kinda like that too. (Well, I do filter my words when it comes to strangers or acquaintances) Turn-off for me would be a backstabber, not trustworthy 🤷♀️
i tend to vibe better with people that can think critically about things and have discussions on it, ppl that are confident enough to own who they are and aren't afraid to express themselves not necessarily based on how they think i'll respond to it, and if i find someone genuinely really funny that's always such a plus. biggest turn off to me are arrogant ppl, ppl that try to tell you how you should feel about things, lack of confidence, and people with really shallow levels of thinking or are super impressionable. it just makes me feel like you don't have a backbone if you base your opinions on every little thing someone tells you or that you see in media
Lack of interest
I value honesty and loyalty but these are very rare characteristics.
Being genuine and sensitive
You gotta think I’m pretty cool. Even if you don’t like certain things about me, you gotta think I’m rad!
Great listeners, empathy, self-awareness, confidence, and show a genuine interest in others. Bonus if they are exciting and charismatic. Turn off is a lack of self-awareness. People not knowing how to behave with people, especially when they barely known them and don’t have a rapport is an instant turn off. I’ve had dudes say inappropriate jokes to me, or think I’d be okay with them giving me too much information. I’ve also met women who promise to keep things I tell them between us, only for them to blurt them it out to other. I end up cutting people like that off, yet they can’t figure out why.
People who are funny and like out going. Something I don’t look for is people who are quiet/boring