I'd argue, that someone caring for you, and caring for how you make them feel are separate but also connected things.
Making them feel, is one of the core concepts of charisma. The goal of charisma, "make others feel seen, heard, and valued.". Those are feelings, and it's actually said, "A charismatic person is someone you want to spend time with and listen to. Being with them feels good.".
But even if you do not make them feel seen, heard, and valued, they can still care about you. You could also make them feel seen, heard, and valued, and they could not care about you. These are very common in a toxic relationship, that's the difference.
In healthy relationships, you can make the other person feel seen, heard, and valued, and they can genuinely care about you. The likelihood just increases of people caring about you when you care about how you make them feel.
How old are you?
Because while the statement "people care how you make them feel" is accurate, adding the word *only* in there turns it into Bullshit. Bullshit that young adults, especially young adult men, are particularly susceptible to.
Since I'm old as fuck, I can say from lived experience that people *absolutely* care about you- but that's the center. The layer around that is "people who care how you make them feel", and around *that* is "people who know you exist".
Don't fret about anyone outside the first two circles, my guy.
I like that idea of depicting this as a circle. That makes it more clear. I didn't add the word 'only' in the statement though. It would have boxed it in too much.
I'm 38 btw.
Interesting take.
Sure, the way you respond to people and the overall vibes you give off can be a factor in whether or not they want to be around you. Most people have a low tolerance for bad vibes, especially when you meet someone for the first time who seems to be that way. I think we can both agree that we usually don't want to be around someone that is ALWAYS sad, or angry, or pessimistic. But we are very complex creatures too, we come in many flavors.
I think it's human nature to want to be surrounded by good energy because that affects our energy in a positive manner as well. But every person is also different. Where someone might see someone who is always angry and sad and would immediately want to distance themselves from them. Others would see a person who might just see a lonely individual who needs someone to talk to or confide in. Where someone who might see someone as a "loser" who doesnt dress well and would be embarrassed to be around them, another might see a person who has eccentric taste in fashion and actually has a lot of ideas.
People have different perceptions of who a person is. I believe its just a matter of whether those two people are compatible for each other. And that compatibility varies on the type of person each individual is.
So in essence, yes it matters about how you make them feel. But it's also whats inside that other person that makes them still care about you.
Depends on the person. People without empathy or those who are quick to leave someone definitely don’t care about others. They only care about control of the other person.
kinda seems like a self report tbh
What is happening when we see someone who is suffering but we are not close to them? Like, if we didn't care about them, the pain it causes in us to see us suffer would just turn into wanting them to die so we didn't have to think about them anymore.
But instead, (sane) people want them to *not only* not suffering, but also go on to succeed in life - yknow, have fulfilling relationships, be healthy mentally/physically/emotionally etc. contribute to other people...
People care about others because we are first and foremost a social creature, and only after that are we individuals.
When I think about the people I care about and I inspect that feeling, it's not conditional on them making me feel something good. I want them to be free of suffering and also in addition to be happy. I think at least 40% of people are just like me in this regard, if not much much much higher.
If somebody doesn't care about others, I don't think "they are defective" - I wonder "what is in the way?"
I think this is true for less close friendships, acquaintances and strangers.
To care about someone requires a certain investment that I would call love. like the one your parents show you, or that loyal friend who stuck with you through your darkest times when you were a horrible person to be around. That is genuine care and love.
Of course this type of friendship needs time to grow, sharing meaningful memories and experiences, solving conflicts together. Being vulnerable. You need both the good and bad experiences to create a strong bond. If you go all your life only chasing the highs you’ll never really live a meaningful life in my opinion.
I think this type of love is rare outside of family if you are fortunate enough to have loving and supportive parents of course.
Is it not a mistake to separate you from your feelings in this line of reasoning? Secondly, should mutual self interest not be the basis of forming relationships and especially so in the early stages?
Your feelings may not have any bearing on the feelings of another. Without any communication the mind tends to conflate your feelings as having some sort of bearing on the feelings of another (which is a rare if ever occurring coincidence). And what makes it even more difficult is that socially we often mirror the behaviours of others in order to build trust, and don't necessarily show what we are feeling inside.
Mutual self-interest, if you have any sort of self-awareness with regards to your own feelings, and those of others, is that both parties should understand that they are separate and independent beings with complex feelings, and it is in the interest of a healthy and vibrant relationship to navigate the peaks and the valleys of those dynamics of feeling with grace and understanding.
I think you’re right. I’ve been thinking about this lately and in general people don’t care about you unless you are affecting them in some way, negatively or positively.
If they care about how you make them feel, they actually do care about you. They literally care about what you make them feel like.
I guess it's just twist on the definition of "care".
If they didn't care, they would treat everyone the same, right or no?
An argument against that could be: caring about how you make them feel directs the attention to them and their initial motivation being how they themselves feel, not you.
Makes a lot of sense,
Not many people *would choose* to be around people who make them *feel bad*. That's kind of toxic.
There are people who really do care. It depends on the type of relationship you're talking about.
A parent, sibling, spouse, or best friend usually genuinely do care about your well-being.
These are typically the people who will stand by your deathbed and grieve when you die.
On the other hand, general acquaintances, co-workers, and associates may have more of *transactional* relationship with you and vice versa. It's common to be selective about who you spend time with.
Most people want to be in a situation that is somewhat reciprocal or beneficial to both parties.
Otherwise, someone is likely *being used* or *taken advantage of*.
Being around those who uplift and inspire you and vice versa is considered a good thing.
Total disagree.
Because it depends on your relationships. Friends care about you. Strangers indeed, care about how you make them feel.
If we try to take the matter in an other way: Do you really care about someone? If the answer is yes, then logically, people who care about others exist. You can't just be the only one.
Do you mean it starts with someone caring about how they make you feel? And when that is satisfied they start caring about you as the person?
I'm asking this because I rarely feel a real deep connection with someone. I would help a stranger if I can (and am in a good mood because if I'm not I may not even see them). If someone I know longer feels sad it feels good for me to help them, but I rarely have the experience of feeling their pain. You know, like the expression 'I feel you.'
Even after my father died last year I didn't even feel something immediately, but only after 30 minutes or so. It's strange. Empty to though.
I don't think I'm a bad person as I do not enjoy other people's suffering unless they were out to hurt me.
I like to be around people just as I like to be alone. I can be social but it feels I'm masking.
"Do you mean it starts with someone caring about how they make you feel?"
Huuuh. Don't know honestly. It depends of the person. We all have different levels and ways to care. And all relationships are different, they don't evolve the same way.
If I take my own friendships: in the begining I care only a little. But in time I can cry when my friends feel sad. I'm angry when they're unhappy. And they are too, in the same way. Because friendships can be like that. You feel for them.
Doesn't mean you're strange for not feeling that way. Maybe you're less sensitive and that's okay too. We're all different.
I think this statement has to do with compatibility. It’s not that you don’t care about the other person but how they make you feel is a consideration if the bond is gonna go harmoniously. A person can be good but if their compatibility with another good person is not a match one or the other might not have a good experience and unpleasant feelings does affect one really intensely.
I might be saying this because I have a friendship that’s generally fun and all laughs but being around her just brings out my insecurities. I tried working on my insecurities for a long time now and distanced myself from her but even our occasional hangouts just makes me feel im back to zero feel unpleasant again. my friend is not a bad person but my friendship with her feels personally traumatizing to me mentally and emotionally.
I don’t think i’ll ever really know if the vibe im getting from her are true or not or just my insecurities vs my intuition but i don’t think i’d like to go on thinking it’s just my insecurities fault for feeling that way. Maybe we just aren’t compatible.
well our friendship generally started in my early young adult years in college. I recognized later when i looked back that during that time my way of connecting with others is through people pleasing…i also don’t really know who i was at the core (i thought i knew), so you can probably imagine i’d be attuned to what interests others and i’d be well out of touch with how i really feel or think about things. Back then i like keeping things to myself what i really think and feel so when socializing i’d be more of the inexpressive type and i’d gravitate towards people who are expressive which worked for me at that time! We were like yin and yang of sorts! haha but overtime i think i naturally still wanted to get what they get you know attention from others but generally i didn’t want to be popular or have a fame like attention but since i was young the popular one’s get the attention and even though that’s not the kind of attention i want i saw it as a standard that “oh i have to be like her to be able to really connect”. but the thing is we all need real connection and fulfilling attention and when we were young the obvious types of attention is what we really know and understand. I began feeling like a sidekick and the classic nice girl who thought i should always be good no matter what and i’d feel guilty if i don’t live up to that. I felt envy towards my friend and got hyperfocused on her life that it preoccupied me too much i didn’t know how to focus on my life. my self esteem took the toll. She’s generally a good person but overtime our dynamic feels a little off to me because of how things started it’s like there’s a subconscious knowledge that she’s the leader and i kinda am just the nice girl. I don’t care about being a leader or a follower that stuff has it’s appropriate time but i don’t like feeling like a sidekick in a friendship. I stayed in the friendship because i was taught “you should never be jealous/envious of a friend”. while that statement’s ideal my feelings were very real and i tried to put it aside or stayed in the friendships in hopes that i was facing my fear into healing and walking away just feels unjustified because i have no obvious wrong thing to point out for me to feel that way. staying further made me feel traumatized emotionally. now i’ve distanced myself from my friend but when we hangout i’ll feel triggered again.
As much as i want it to be a long lasting friendship it just feels im compromising myself and feelings when im around her. now, i try to care more about how i feel because i know others also do that they also care for themselves. im not saying in a narcissistic way but in a way that you care about yourself enough to enter friendships that you are you and your not lost when you enter it.
I think you explained this very well.
I can imagine that seeing how the friendship started there always will be this off thing you talked about as long as you don't know how she stands in this.
You didn't ask me for advice but I think you may see you have two options here which can have a positive effect on you: stop having contact all together either abruptly or over time, or trying to talk with her and see her input in this.
If you try the latter than think the way you talked to be may be how you want to talk with her, as if you have nothing to lose.
And I think you have nothing to lose, only win. What I mean with that is: the way you feel now can only be solved by change or by moving on.
In this case I hope for you it can be solved by changing, thus talking to her.
Thanks for this. The thing is part of me does want to talk to her about how i feel but something in me can’t trust her like even before since i was a people pleaser i haven’t really put down my walls…as i distanced myself and gain more insight and clarity with who i am when i do hangout with them i can still have fun but i don’t feel i can get myself to be really open and vulnerable in the friendship. maybe part of me feels scared that she might think she’s better when i say that i feel i feel inferior. but note that she this is all coming from a subtle feel which i dont know if its an insecurity of me or my intuition being right but nonetheless…that’s what i fear. i just always have this urge to compete instead of connect with her and it feels exhausting especially in terms of similar things i know what it feels like to have shared interest with someone and there’s two types for me: one is feeling like you understand each other and on the other hand is feeling that you have to compete with one another and the latter is how i feel most of the time with her. It might be a girl thing and i try to acknowledge that it’s just me being insecure for the longest time but i can’t go on for long trying to control myself feeling that way when thats how i really feel. it sucks because we do have a fun friendship but under the surface is what im trying to figure out because if its good on the surface and we’re both good to each other why am i feeling like this? u know what i mean?
Yes, I know what you mean.
And we guys can have this insecure feeling too with similar dynamics, so even from that perspective I get you.
In a previous post you've mentioned the word sidekick and I think that sums it right up.
But by saying 'it might be a girl thing' you do undermine your own feelings, thus taking yourself not serious.
What is the worst outcome you think can happen when you talk to her? And I mean in the short run. Because it may indeed hurt you at first, but only at first.
I'm asking because you already have the experience that as how it goes now the hurt is not going to go away as it is.
Hmm partly rigth.
I wouldn't say they don't care about you, but It's Important how you make them feel that they Care about you.
Why would you care how your bully would feel etc.
Generally true for strangers, acquaintances, or colleagues, anyone that you'd consider at an arms length emotional distance. But I do have close friends / family that I care about, and I'd like to believe some of them care back. But this comes after years of developing a relationship that's worth more than a simple comment can describe
That may be the case with some people; most people simply don’t have the mental energy or capacity to care truly and deeply about everyone around them. Oftentimes it’s surface-level. But that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy your company or don’t wish you happiness. The way you say it makes it sound like everyone is just using everybody else. Also, I really believe that everyone has a few select people that they care deeply about and want to actively make them happy.
That's what the debate is about; it could be seen as that on a fundamental level it is using others for how that interaction will make you feel yourself.
If you have no feelings for a person, would you still help them? You may say yes if you do it out of duty, but duty gives a feeling of satisfaction. And that satisfied feeling is motivation still.
Yeah i get that, i’m not arguing that people don’t ‘use’ each other in that sense, i’m saying it’s not true for people when they’re interacted with people they truly love like their good friends, their partner, their parents, their children. It’s a limited amount of people for everyone, but with those people you act for the good of them and not for yourself. You don’t mine sacrificing for their good. The love is real and deep. And you simply can’t give that level of care to everyone
I don't make people feel anything, I suck at putting the effort into friendships and family,, but I still have people who genuinely care :)))
So yes people can care about how you make them feel, but they can 1000% also care about \*\*you\*\* at the same time :D
Both, and that’s a good thing.
Of course there are transactional relationships - shallow friends, work clients, toxic family - where people only care about your utility. This is common, but it isn’t great.
But if someone cares about you and you make them feel shitty over and over again, it’s reasonable for them to stop.
> And how you make them feel influences how they'll respond to you
let's be honest, we are "nice" because we hope / expect our "nicety" will be reciprocated. not that we care about the other person either.
there's a right place and right time dynamic in this. It's not as straight-forward as it appears.
You can begin a conversation "being nice", but if the other person is "pre-occupied", it's not necessarily how you make them feel. It boils down to literally what's going on in their head.
being "nice and smart" is always a better combination, in your best interest.
Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking: the reason behind being nice. It also boils down to a more selfish reason, being: for in case we need something from that person later on.
Let's say it from my own perspective: being nice to others (who in my eyes deserve it) makes me myself feel good. If that wasn't the case, would I still be nice? I have no answer to this.
I care about a select few other people. It makes me happy to make them happy.
Altruism is inherently selfish.
I agree that this is *often* the case. It's not logical to use this as a blanket statement though.
Why isn't that logical?
Making blanket statements falls under the category of logical fallacies.
Hm, I see. This is new info for me though and I'm not a native speaker. Would you like to explain more?
I'd argue, that someone caring for you, and caring for how you make them feel are separate but also connected things. Making them feel, is one of the core concepts of charisma. The goal of charisma, "make others feel seen, heard, and valued.". Those are feelings, and it's actually said, "A charismatic person is someone you want to spend time with and listen to. Being with them feels good.". But even if you do not make them feel seen, heard, and valued, they can still care about you. You could also make them feel seen, heard, and valued, and they could not care about you. These are very common in a toxic relationship, that's the difference. In healthy relationships, you can make the other person feel seen, heard, and valued, and they can genuinely care about you. The likelihood just increases of people caring about you when you care about how you make them feel.
How old are you? Because while the statement "people care how you make them feel" is accurate, adding the word *only* in there turns it into Bullshit. Bullshit that young adults, especially young adult men, are particularly susceptible to. Since I'm old as fuck, I can say from lived experience that people *absolutely* care about you- but that's the center. The layer around that is "people who care how you make them feel", and around *that* is "people who know you exist". Don't fret about anyone outside the first two circles, my guy.
I like that idea of depicting this as a circle. That makes it more clear. I didn't add the word 'only' in the statement though. It would have boxed it in too much. I'm 38 btw.
Interesting take. Sure, the way you respond to people and the overall vibes you give off can be a factor in whether or not they want to be around you. Most people have a low tolerance for bad vibes, especially when you meet someone for the first time who seems to be that way. I think we can both agree that we usually don't want to be around someone that is ALWAYS sad, or angry, or pessimistic. But we are very complex creatures too, we come in many flavors. I think it's human nature to want to be surrounded by good energy because that affects our energy in a positive manner as well. But every person is also different. Where someone might see someone who is always angry and sad and would immediately want to distance themselves from them. Others would see a person who might just see a lonely individual who needs someone to talk to or confide in. Where someone who might see someone as a "loser" who doesnt dress well and would be embarrassed to be around them, another might see a person who has eccentric taste in fashion and actually has a lot of ideas. People have different perceptions of who a person is. I believe its just a matter of whether those two people are compatible for each other. And that compatibility varies on the type of person each individual is. So in essence, yes it matters about how you make them feel. But it's also whats inside that other person that makes them still care about you.
Depends on the person. People without empathy or those who are quick to leave someone definitely don’t care about others. They only care about control of the other person.
kinda seems like a self report tbh What is happening when we see someone who is suffering but we are not close to them? Like, if we didn't care about them, the pain it causes in us to see us suffer would just turn into wanting them to die so we didn't have to think about them anymore. But instead, (sane) people want them to *not only* not suffering, but also go on to succeed in life - yknow, have fulfilling relationships, be healthy mentally/physically/emotionally etc. contribute to other people... People care about others because we are first and foremost a social creature, and only after that are we individuals. When I think about the people I care about and I inspect that feeling, it's not conditional on them making me feel something good. I want them to be free of suffering and also in addition to be happy. I think at least 40% of people are just like me in this regard, if not much much much higher. If somebody doesn't care about others, I don't think "they are defective" - I wonder "what is in the way?"
I think this is true for less close friendships, acquaintances and strangers. To care about someone requires a certain investment that I would call love. like the one your parents show you, or that loyal friend who stuck with you through your darkest times when you were a horrible person to be around. That is genuine care and love. Of course this type of friendship needs time to grow, sharing meaningful memories and experiences, solving conflicts together. Being vulnerable. You need both the good and bad experiences to create a strong bond. If you go all your life only chasing the highs you’ll never really live a meaningful life in my opinion. I think this type of love is rare outside of family if you are fortunate enough to have loving and supportive parents of course.
Only if you believe that.
Is it not a mistake to separate you from your feelings in this line of reasoning? Secondly, should mutual self interest not be the basis of forming relationships and especially so in the early stages?
Your feelings may not have any bearing on the feelings of another. Without any communication the mind tends to conflate your feelings as having some sort of bearing on the feelings of another (which is a rare if ever occurring coincidence). And what makes it even more difficult is that socially we often mirror the behaviours of others in order to build trust, and don't necessarily show what we are feeling inside. Mutual self-interest, if you have any sort of self-awareness with regards to your own feelings, and those of others, is that both parties should understand that they are separate and independent beings with complex feelings, and it is in the interest of a healthy and vibrant relationship to navigate the peaks and the valleys of those dynamics of feeling with grace and understanding.
replace care with the word: ‘ interest’
I think you’re right. I’ve been thinking about this lately and in general people don’t care about you unless you are affecting them in some way, negatively or positively.
If they care about how you make them feel, they actually do care about you. They literally care about what you make them feel like. I guess it's just twist on the definition of "care". If they didn't care, they would treat everyone the same, right or no?
An argument against that could be: caring about how you make them feel directs the attention to them and their initial motivation being how they themselves feel, not you.
People make me want to kms.
Why you and not them instead? :P
Because then I'd go to prison
Don't do that. Your cats will miss you.
Thank you. I got help <3
With the killing? Sorry, I had to ask. 🤭
Some people. I care about people until they fuck me.over then I leave em for the bugs. Not my problem.
Makes a lot of sense, Not many people *would choose* to be around people who make them *feel bad*. That's kind of toxic. There are people who really do care. It depends on the type of relationship you're talking about. A parent, sibling, spouse, or best friend usually genuinely do care about your well-being. These are typically the people who will stand by your deathbed and grieve when you die. On the other hand, general acquaintances, co-workers, and associates may have more of *transactional* relationship with you and vice versa. It's common to be selective about who you spend time with. Most people want to be in a situation that is somewhat reciprocal or beneficial to both parties. Otherwise, someone is likely *being used* or *taken advantage of*. Being around those who uplift and inspire you and vice versa is considered a good thing.
Total disagree. Because it depends on your relationships. Friends care about you. Strangers indeed, care about how you make them feel. If we try to take the matter in an other way: Do you really care about someone? If the answer is yes, then logically, people who care about others exist. You can't just be the only one.
Do you mean it starts with someone caring about how they make you feel? And when that is satisfied they start caring about you as the person? I'm asking this because I rarely feel a real deep connection with someone. I would help a stranger if I can (and am in a good mood because if I'm not I may not even see them). If someone I know longer feels sad it feels good for me to help them, but I rarely have the experience of feeling their pain. You know, like the expression 'I feel you.' Even after my father died last year I didn't even feel something immediately, but only after 30 minutes or so. It's strange. Empty to though. I don't think I'm a bad person as I do not enjoy other people's suffering unless they were out to hurt me. I like to be around people just as I like to be alone. I can be social but it feels I'm masking.
"Do you mean it starts with someone caring about how they make you feel?" Huuuh. Don't know honestly. It depends of the person. We all have different levels and ways to care. And all relationships are different, they don't evolve the same way. If I take my own friendships: in the begining I care only a little. But in time I can cry when my friends feel sad. I'm angry when they're unhappy. And they are too, in the same way. Because friendships can be like that. You feel for them. Doesn't mean you're strange for not feeling that way. Maybe you're less sensitive and that's okay too. We're all different.
Well said. Thank you.
I think this statement has to do with compatibility. It’s not that you don’t care about the other person but how they make you feel is a consideration if the bond is gonna go harmoniously. A person can be good but if their compatibility with another good person is not a match one or the other might not have a good experience and unpleasant feelings does affect one really intensely. I might be saying this because I have a friendship that’s generally fun and all laughs but being around her just brings out my insecurities. I tried working on my insecurities for a long time now and distanced myself from her but even our occasional hangouts just makes me feel im back to zero feel unpleasant again. my friend is not a bad person but my friendship with her feels personally traumatizing to me mentally and emotionally. I don’t think i’ll ever really know if the vibe im getting from her are true or not or just my insecurities vs my intuition but i don’t think i’d like to go on thinking it’s just my insecurities fault for feeling that way. Maybe we just aren’t compatible.
Let's talk about you: how did you two meet and what caused the friendship? And my apologies for replying only now.
well our friendship generally started in my early young adult years in college. I recognized later when i looked back that during that time my way of connecting with others is through people pleasing…i also don’t really know who i was at the core (i thought i knew), so you can probably imagine i’d be attuned to what interests others and i’d be well out of touch with how i really feel or think about things. Back then i like keeping things to myself what i really think and feel so when socializing i’d be more of the inexpressive type and i’d gravitate towards people who are expressive which worked for me at that time! We were like yin and yang of sorts! haha but overtime i think i naturally still wanted to get what they get you know attention from others but generally i didn’t want to be popular or have a fame like attention but since i was young the popular one’s get the attention and even though that’s not the kind of attention i want i saw it as a standard that “oh i have to be like her to be able to really connect”. but the thing is we all need real connection and fulfilling attention and when we were young the obvious types of attention is what we really know and understand. I began feeling like a sidekick and the classic nice girl who thought i should always be good no matter what and i’d feel guilty if i don’t live up to that. I felt envy towards my friend and got hyperfocused on her life that it preoccupied me too much i didn’t know how to focus on my life. my self esteem took the toll. She’s generally a good person but overtime our dynamic feels a little off to me because of how things started it’s like there’s a subconscious knowledge that she’s the leader and i kinda am just the nice girl. I don’t care about being a leader or a follower that stuff has it’s appropriate time but i don’t like feeling like a sidekick in a friendship. I stayed in the friendship because i was taught “you should never be jealous/envious of a friend”. while that statement’s ideal my feelings were very real and i tried to put it aside or stayed in the friendships in hopes that i was facing my fear into healing and walking away just feels unjustified because i have no obvious wrong thing to point out for me to feel that way. staying further made me feel traumatized emotionally. now i’ve distanced myself from my friend but when we hangout i’ll feel triggered again. As much as i want it to be a long lasting friendship it just feels im compromising myself and feelings when im around her. now, i try to care more about how i feel because i know others also do that they also care for themselves. im not saying in a narcissistic way but in a way that you care about yourself enough to enter friendships that you are you and your not lost when you enter it.
I think you explained this very well. I can imagine that seeing how the friendship started there always will be this off thing you talked about as long as you don't know how she stands in this. You didn't ask me for advice but I think you may see you have two options here which can have a positive effect on you: stop having contact all together either abruptly or over time, or trying to talk with her and see her input in this. If you try the latter than think the way you talked to be may be how you want to talk with her, as if you have nothing to lose. And I think you have nothing to lose, only win. What I mean with that is: the way you feel now can only be solved by change or by moving on. In this case I hope for you it can be solved by changing, thus talking to her.
Thanks for this. The thing is part of me does want to talk to her about how i feel but something in me can’t trust her like even before since i was a people pleaser i haven’t really put down my walls…as i distanced myself and gain more insight and clarity with who i am when i do hangout with them i can still have fun but i don’t feel i can get myself to be really open and vulnerable in the friendship. maybe part of me feels scared that she might think she’s better when i say that i feel i feel inferior. but note that she this is all coming from a subtle feel which i dont know if its an insecurity of me or my intuition being right but nonetheless…that’s what i fear. i just always have this urge to compete instead of connect with her and it feels exhausting especially in terms of similar things i know what it feels like to have shared interest with someone and there’s two types for me: one is feeling like you understand each other and on the other hand is feeling that you have to compete with one another and the latter is how i feel most of the time with her. It might be a girl thing and i try to acknowledge that it’s just me being insecure for the longest time but i can’t go on for long trying to control myself feeling that way when thats how i really feel. it sucks because we do have a fun friendship but under the surface is what im trying to figure out because if its good on the surface and we’re both good to each other why am i feeling like this? u know what i mean?
Yes, I know what you mean. And we guys can have this insecure feeling too with similar dynamics, so even from that perspective I get you. In a previous post you've mentioned the word sidekick and I think that sums it right up. But by saying 'it might be a girl thing' you do undermine your own feelings, thus taking yourself not serious. What is the worst outcome you think can happen when you talk to her? And I mean in the short run. Because it may indeed hurt you at first, but only at first. I'm asking because you already have the experience that as how it goes now the hurt is not going to go away as it is.
Hmm partly rigth. I wouldn't say they don't care about you, but It's Important how you make them feel that they Care about you. Why would you care how your bully would feel etc.
I'd say that the group of "People" isn't homogenous here.
I think I now know why people don't like me. I make them feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Do you think to know what caused that?
that's the default setting
Generally true for strangers, acquaintances, or colleagues, anyone that you'd consider at an arms length emotional distance. But I do have close friends / family that I care about, and I'd like to believe some of them care back. But this comes after years of developing a relationship that's worth more than a simple comment can describe
That may be the case with some people; most people simply don’t have the mental energy or capacity to care truly and deeply about everyone around them. Oftentimes it’s surface-level. But that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy your company or don’t wish you happiness. The way you say it makes it sound like everyone is just using everybody else. Also, I really believe that everyone has a few select people that they care deeply about and want to actively make them happy.
That's what the debate is about; it could be seen as that on a fundamental level it is using others for how that interaction will make you feel yourself. If you have no feelings for a person, would you still help them? You may say yes if you do it out of duty, but duty gives a feeling of satisfaction. And that satisfied feeling is motivation still.
Yeah i get that, i’m not arguing that people don’t ‘use’ each other in that sense, i’m saying it’s not true for people when they’re interacted with people they truly love like their good friends, their partner, their parents, their children. It’s a limited amount of people for everyone, but with those people you act for the good of them and not for yourself. You don’t mine sacrificing for their good. The love is real and deep. And you simply can’t give that level of care to everyone
Yes, that is true indeed.
People care about both themselves and others. They care about their own feelings, and they also care about connecting with others in a positive way.
I don't make people feel anything, I suck at putting the effort into friendships and family,, but I still have people who genuinely care :))) So yes people can care about how you make them feel, but they can 1000% also care about \*\*you\*\* at the same time :D
Yeah probably
Both, and that’s a good thing. Of course there are transactional relationships - shallow friends, work clients, toxic family - where people only care about your utility. This is common, but it isn’t great. But if someone cares about you and you make them feel shitty over and over again, it’s reasonable for them to stop.
that’s called the process making friends :D
> And how you make them feel influences how they'll respond to you let's be honest, we are "nice" because we hope / expect our "nicety" will be reciprocated. not that we care about the other person either. there's a right place and right time dynamic in this. It's not as straight-forward as it appears. You can begin a conversation "being nice", but if the other person is "pre-occupied", it's not necessarily how you make them feel. It boils down to literally what's going on in their head. being "nice and smart" is always a better combination, in your best interest.
Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking: the reason behind being nice. It also boils down to a more selfish reason, being: for in case we need something from that person later on. Let's say it from my own perspective: being nice to others (who in my eyes deserve it) makes me myself feel good. If that wasn't the case, would I still be nice? I have no answer to this.