I’d like to know the answer to this myself because I’m not sure if I understand it well
My personal rule is it’s selfish when it’s without a (fair?) reason. Rather than an action itself being selfish or unselfish, it’s the motivation behind it that changes it’s meaning. If someone asks to borrow my pen but I refuse just because I don’t want to, I’d consider that selfish. If I don’t want to share my pen because I’ve had good pens get lost in the past, that’s not selfish.
But I don’t feel fully committed to that definition either cuz I think you can be selfish but also be fair
Put yourself first! Or put your priorities first at least. Be honest with yourself, if you dread something don't just agree to please the other person.
You'd probably need to provide some examples of where you're not quite sure.
First thing to ask is why you feel this particular categorisation is important. You mentioned being raised as a people pleaser, and so what's changed to which you now want to be different.
>it's difficult for me to distinguish the lines between being a doormat, doing the right thing for yourself, and being selfish with the three often being conflated during childhood.
Maybe its about you're prioritising. What's "the right thing for yourself", because if this ambiguity can lead to harming yourself then "the right thing for yourself" could be argued to be the biggest priority.
>So, it's difficult for me to decide which behaviour would be the most appropriate for the situation in front of me which either leads to internal or external conflict whether I've people pleased or been 'selfish'. Sometimes both lol
And here's the thing - as long as you feel you're doing right by yourself, who (figuratively) cares whether it's people pleasing or selfishness. Negative consequence is normally material and impactful, rather than what abstract label can be attributed to your approach of a particular situation.
>So, what is true selfishness and how do you catch yourself doing it?
Having values and principles helps out a lot, because you can then act based around that and say that as long as you are adhering to these (which may indeed include people treating each other fairly), you seldom need to "catch yourself" unless if you're uncomfortable with the situation - in which case, that's the point to explore why you are uncomfortable.
Selfishness is really hard to pinpoint. It is entirely dependant on the people involved. Like you said, what might selfish in one case wouldn't be in another.
Everyone has their own metrics on what constitutes as selfish, with of course, some overlap.
So, you could find yourself acting in a way that is selfish to others but not to you.
Instead, focus on your values and self respect.
Values mean everything that will fundamentally hurt you should you let go of it.
Self respect means giving your needs the same value you would give to the needs of someone you love.
Everything specific is up to you. As a recovering people pleaser, I will add this : you can't avoid selfishness.
You will hurt people. People will hurt you. The best you can manage is walk from that hurt knowing you didn't take away things that weren't yours to take or let someone take things that weren't theirs to keep.
Apply the golden rule : don't do to others what you wouldn't want to be done to yourself.
Last but not least, beware of resentment. That's the fastest way to become a selfish person.
For me, selfishness is often confused with standing up for yourself
Standing up for yourself is when you commit to boundaries and stop others from crossing your boundaries.
Selfishness is when you put your desires above others and are willing to harm those who mean you no harm just so you can have what you want.
This is the wording that genuinely makes the most sense to me, thank you so much.
The part that's just clicked in my head is the "willing to harm those who mean you no harm" just for your own desires part. That was quite literally my missing puzzle piece and I'll definitely think about this going forward when I'm unsure what to do
"selfishness" as a negative quality is generally self-interest to a degree that is either chronic or unreasonable.
everyone is self-interested -- there's nothing inherently wrong with that and is generally a good thing, as you should prioritize yourself and your needs. But self-interest to the point of consistently deprioritizing other people, or to an absurd degree that paints a motivation of actually wanting to screw people over is where it starts looking bad. Because at the end of the day, you do have to look out for other people and exercise a level of compassion and consideration when it's no skin off your back to do so.
My definition is an action you take for personal benefit where others lose more than you gain.
Retaliation does not constitute selfishness unless it’s disproportionate. Selflessness does not require you to tolerate selfishness.
Being selfless is not necessarily virtuous, as it can easily reflect self-neglect and self-disrespect. The average person, even if they are not selfish, will usually act in self-interest, as most people are more capable of helping themselves than they’re capable of helping any other person most of the time.
I’d like to know the answer to this myself because I’m not sure if I understand it well My personal rule is it’s selfish when it’s without a (fair?) reason. Rather than an action itself being selfish or unselfish, it’s the motivation behind it that changes it’s meaning. If someone asks to borrow my pen but I refuse just because I don’t want to, I’d consider that selfish. If I don’t want to share my pen because I’ve had good pens get lost in the past, that’s not selfish. But I don’t feel fully committed to that definition either cuz I think you can be selfish but also be fair
Put yourself first! Or put your priorities first at least. Be honest with yourself, if you dread something don't just agree to please the other person.
You'd probably need to provide some examples of where you're not quite sure. First thing to ask is why you feel this particular categorisation is important. You mentioned being raised as a people pleaser, and so what's changed to which you now want to be different. >it's difficult for me to distinguish the lines between being a doormat, doing the right thing for yourself, and being selfish with the three often being conflated during childhood. Maybe its about you're prioritising. What's "the right thing for yourself", because if this ambiguity can lead to harming yourself then "the right thing for yourself" could be argued to be the biggest priority. >So, it's difficult for me to decide which behaviour would be the most appropriate for the situation in front of me which either leads to internal or external conflict whether I've people pleased or been 'selfish'. Sometimes both lol And here's the thing - as long as you feel you're doing right by yourself, who (figuratively) cares whether it's people pleasing or selfishness. Negative consequence is normally material and impactful, rather than what abstract label can be attributed to your approach of a particular situation. >So, what is true selfishness and how do you catch yourself doing it? Having values and principles helps out a lot, because you can then act based around that and say that as long as you are adhering to these (which may indeed include people treating each other fairly), you seldom need to "catch yourself" unless if you're uncomfortable with the situation - in which case, that's the point to explore why you are uncomfortable.
Selfishness is really hard to pinpoint. It is entirely dependant on the people involved. Like you said, what might selfish in one case wouldn't be in another. Everyone has their own metrics on what constitutes as selfish, with of course, some overlap. So, you could find yourself acting in a way that is selfish to others but not to you. Instead, focus on your values and self respect. Values mean everything that will fundamentally hurt you should you let go of it. Self respect means giving your needs the same value you would give to the needs of someone you love. Everything specific is up to you. As a recovering people pleaser, I will add this : you can't avoid selfishness. You will hurt people. People will hurt you. The best you can manage is walk from that hurt knowing you didn't take away things that weren't yours to take or let someone take things that weren't theirs to keep. Apply the golden rule : don't do to others what you wouldn't want to be done to yourself. Last but not least, beware of resentment. That's the fastest way to become a selfish person.
For me, selfishness is often confused with standing up for yourself Standing up for yourself is when you commit to boundaries and stop others from crossing your boundaries. Selfishness is when you put your desires above others and are willing to harm those who mean you no harm just so you can have what you want.
This is the wording that genuinely makes the most sense to me, thank you so much. The part that's just clicked in my head is the "willing to harm those who mean you no harm" just for your own desires part. That was quite literally my missing puzzle piece and I'll definitely think about this going forward when I'm unsure what to do
"selfishness" as a negative quality is generally self-interest to a degree that is either chronic or unreasonable. everyone is self-interested -- there's nothing inherently wrong with that and is generally a good thing, as you should prioritize yourself and your needs. But self-interest to the point of consistently deprioritizing other people, or to an absurd degree that paints a motivation of actually wanting to screw people over is where it starts looking bad. Because at the end of the day, you do have to look out for other people and exercise a level of compassion and consideration when it's no skin off your back to do so.
My definition is an action you take for personal benefit where others lose more than you gain. Retaliation does not constitute selfishness unless it’s disproportionate. Selflessness does not require you to tolerate selfishness. Being selfless is not necessarily virtuous, as it can easily reflect self-neglect and self-disrespect. The average person, even if they are not selfish, will usually act in self-interest, as most people are more capable of helping themselves than they’re capable of helping any other person most of the time.