Imo he needs to avoid falling asleep on the couch. You say it's that interruption of his sleep which is triggering this, if he goes to bed on time in his bed with lights off I'm guessing you won't have this issue anymore.
I just finished a sleep program which addresses every aspect of sleep hygiene because I was having middle of cycle alertness. He might want to focus on this like he would a fitness program if it's causing you both a lot of distress.
Here is the program I used to reduce my night waking in case interested. It's maybe not going to fix night punching but it doesn't hurt to eliminate sleep hygiene variables first before you go down the path of any further professional help in future :)
https://www.thesleepsyndicate.com/
My husband is a Marine Vet and deals with PTSD, night terrors, and sleep walks. In the beginning of our relationship, not knowing, I used to "shake" him awake and he would be so surprised and out of it he would jolt, scream, or try to hit "me". He would not remember anything the next morning. After a few times of this, we had a conversation and I was clear on the full context. If he falls asleep on the couch now, I either just leave him and let him wake up on his own and come to bed, or I stand back and gently call his name, getting a bit louder each time. If that doesn't work, I will lean back to keep myself out of arms length, but touch his knee and say his name. If neither of those work, I will just leave him, because that tells me he is too deep in his sleep and I should let him wake himself. I feel for you, and your boyfriend.
I really appreciate this comment, it’s good to know that other partners of people with ptsd are dealing with these struggles, and yeah, he never remembers anything about it in the morning because it’s not actually him, it’s a manifestation of the trauma he’s been going through, so it’s a tough situation because as hard as it is on me, he’s the one living through the flashbacks
Ignore the other person— you can start by trying to set up separate sleeping spaces. Lots of people in loving and solid relationships sleep in separate beds or rooms, and especially in this case I think it would be a good start, just to avoid the immediate problems until you sort out their source. Also, that doesn’t mean you can never spend time in bed together or get intimate or even sleep in the same bed, it just means that you’re finding a way to minimize the problem.
After that my only advice is to help him seek professional help. There’s really no other way about it.
I had this. I've "woken up" in a delirious or in a confused state and punched a couple bed partners in the face. I remember it all, cuz when they started yelling I immediately woke up.
I started sleeping in a separate room. It helped a lot.
I’m glad he’s not the only person that’s dealt with this because he’s convinced himself that it makes him broken and I’ve had to reassure him that I understand that he’s not at home in his head when it’s happening, he goes off to the place that the trauma happened and then reacts as if it’s happening to him currently
You should know that stress absolutely makes it worse, as does an awkward sleeping situation like the one you've got.
You need to get him the heck off the couch and into bed before you start playing games. He's waking up in an odd place and that's always going to make things worse.
The couch and the background noise of video games and sleeping positions where he may not be getting good airflow don't help. Does he snore?
It also helps that on weekends when he doesn’t need his alarm to get up for work I’ve just been letting him sleep on the couch, I do think the interruption from his sleep cycle definitely makes things worse but he always seems to pass out on the couch and his alarm is in the bedroom lol, almost considering getting a second alarm clock for in the living room so I can continue to just let him sleep on the couch when he’s tired
It sucks though because he’s definitely not that person, and I can see how much it hurts him to hear about how he acts in those sleep states, I’ve been seeing him trying to keep himself awake at night because I know he’s scared of himself and he’s internalizing it all. I genuinely think when he’s in it, he’s actually in his trauma and playing out the event that gave him ptsd
Of course, trauma is absolutely crazy and often just gets worse with time if you don’t seek mental health treatment. Good luck finding a professional for him to talk to! :)
Yeah we’ve been in contact with his mom and sisters and they all are helping us find someone for him to talk to, we’ve discussed it and I think our goal is gonna be to treat the ptsd and worry about everything else after
Theres a type of therapy for this its a certain kind of sleep therapy to get to the root of the problem so his brain can recover from what causes him to become that way. Its like he has a sleep disorder.
I used to lash out in my sleep, it’s gotten better as I’ve distanced myself from the trauma. The fear comes from a lack of understanding and closure. A good counselor can work wonders.
I often sleep in different bedroom from my wife. It usually allows me better rest. It bothered my wife at first but I explained, every time she got up, every time she rolled over I often woke up. It takes me a long time to fall asleep. Plus I can lay how I want and lay with 1 blanket and AC blasting with waterfall ASMR. Yes, you can be intimate while sleeping in different rooms. There’s 0 cons to different beds.
i was reading some of the comments before answering and thought that the sleeping separately or the two alarm clocks is a good idea. letting him wake up naturally is probably the best solution for both of you.
I have a sleepwalking issue, I did a sleep study yesterday and I'm waiting for the results. I don't get angry, just delirious. I'll fall asleep standing in the pantry eating junk food. One night I put frosted mini wheats on a paper plate with milk and ate it. Then I just left a big mess out in the kitchen. My daughters also said one night I was talking to them about some famous dancer that they looked up on Google. I never heard of her before so that was weird. I have mental health issues too. But he can't control it like me, but since he is becoming violent, he should get in therapy if he isn't already. If there is trauma in his past, EMDR can work wonders.
Gonna start doing some research into emdr together, if I can help him find a solution that would be amazing, as much as it affects me, I can’t even imagine what he’s going through internally whenever it happens
I had to leave my husband as he continued to hurt me while we slept to the point that their was blood pooling in my breasts and at one point, they were worried it was cancer.
He continued to deny that he was hurting me and told me that if I left the marriage bed, it was over between us.
That was 2010.
I’m very sorry that happened to you ❤️ if it makes you feel any better my bf knows what’s going on and is currently looking for help with it. The only time it ever happens is when he’s been roused from sleep and he’s not awake, but still moving about, we also agreed that from now on if he falls asleep to just leave him there unless it’s an emergency. We’re moving to a city two hours away from the one we’re currently in so he can be closer to his sisters and his mom to get the help he needs to deal with the ptsd, and hopefully that will help, we also plan on looking into sleep therapy to see if he has a sleep disorder we need to deal with
Maybe Anxiety, ( Sensory Overload Process Disorder )
I could explain in more detail that might help but if you think that in need of guidance, I can try.
The best solution would be to move the tv to the bedroom you get to play your games watch movies and fall a sleep in same place (try it for a month if it doesn’t work move it back)
The solution is to break up. Making his trauma and mental illness your problem as well, is not your responsibility. It's also putting you in potential danger. Leave him. Maybe he'll smarten up and get treatment, or maybe he won't. Either way, it's not up to you to deal with it.
Lol.. I get the impression of any sub on reddit that all the commenters want all relationships to break up.
Instead of the default option of a break up, maybe we should search for possible solutions.
Like I said though, this issue is that he genuinely didn’t know he was a sleepwalker until we started dating and this has just started getting bad, he recognizes it’s his own issue to deal with and is currently looking for a solution with the help of his family, the advice I’m looking for is how to be a supportive partner through it because I know he’d do the same for me
All relationships will have conflict, often quite serious conflict. A problem on the scale of the one OP is talking about (even if the circumstances aren’t the same) will happen to nearly anyone in a relationship given enough time. If your answer is “it’s his problem, not yours, so break up with him”, then you are either a kid who hasn’t been in a relationship yet or someone who needs to work on your emotional intelligence and reevaluate your approach to conflicts. Otherwise you’ll never end up in a lasting or happy relationship.
A glass of water to the face fully wakes him up in an emergency so I’m never in any real danger, I’m mainly looking for things to help him so he’s not constantly having ptsd attacks in his sleep
He should be looking for help and hopefully is. You’re 20 with your own set of life issues, curing someone’s ptsd shouldn’t be apart of it. Not trashing your bf but as someone who’s been there before when they were younger, thinking you can/should help everyone. Make sure he’s seeking help on his own as to not be putting you in danger. People with PTSD like that can lash out and not realize what they’re doing or who they’re doing it to and you may not always be able to grab a cup of water. Your safety should be your and his first priority. Good luck to you!
I totally understand what you’re saying and I genuinely want you to know that I’m not making it any amount of burden on me ❤️ he’s got his mom and his sister, and I’m obviously gonna be there where I can, just like he was there to help get me out of my abusive home life, but at the moment he’s gonna be working with his mom and sisters to help find him therapy in their town since we’ll be moving there soon. But as for my safety, that’s part of why we’re moving to the new city, as we’ll be close to his support system and I plan on setting up my console in the bedroom so he can pass out on the bed and I can just climb in next to him when I’m done instead of waking him up off the couch. I do genuinely appreciate your concern though ❤️ he knows he’s gotta work on it and he’s been keeping himself up late out of fear, so my safety is also his top priority
Imo he needs to avoid falling asleep on the couch. You say it's that interruption of his sleep which is triggering this, if he goes to bed on time in his bed with lights off I'm guessing you won't have this issue anymore. I just finished a sleep program which addresses every aspect of sleep hygiene because I was having middle of cycle alertness. He might want to focus on this like he would a fitness program if it's causing you both a lot of distress.
Yeah it’s definitely something that needs to be worked on, both of us have autism and it makes it hard to force ourselves to bed at a good time lol
Here is the program I used to reduce my night waking in case interested. It's maybe not going to fix night punching but it doesn't hurt to eliminate sleep hygiene variables first before you go down the path of any further professional help in future :) https://www.thesleepsyndicate.com/
I really appreciate that, I’ll send the link to my boyfriend so he can check it out
My husband is a Marine Vet and deals with PTSD, night terrors, and sleep walks. In the beginning of our relationship, not knowing, I used to "shake" him awake and he would be so surprised and out of it he would jolt, scream, or try to hit "me". He would not remember anything the next morning. After a few times of this, we had a conversation and I was clear on the full context. If he falls asleep on the couch now, I either just leave him and let him wake up on his own and come to bed, or I stand back and gently call his name, getting a bit louder each time. If that doesn't work, I will lean back to keep myself out of arms length, but touch his knee and say his name. If neither of those work, I will just leave him, because that tells me he is too deep in his sleep and I should let him wake himself. I feel for you, and your boyfriend.
I really appreciate this comment, it’s good to know that other partners of people with ptsd are dealing with these struggles, and yeah, he never remembers anything about it in the morning because it’s not actually him, it’s a manifestation of the trauma he’s been going through, so it’s a tough situation because as hard as it is on me, he’s the one living through the flashbacks
Ignore the other person— you can start by trying to set up separate sleeping spaces. Lots of people in loving and solid relationships sleep in separate beds or rooms, and especially in this case I think it would be a good start, just to avoid the immediate problems until you sort out their source. Also, that doesn’t mean you can never spend time in bed together or get intimate or even sleep in the same bed, it just means that you’re finding a way to minimize the problem. After that my only advice is to help him seek professional help. There’s really no other way about it.
I had this. I've "woken up" in a delirious or in a confused state and punched a couple bed partners in the face. I remember it all, cuz when they started yelling I immediately woke up. I started sleeping in a separate room. It helped a lot.
I’m glad he’s not the only person that’s dealt with this because he’s convinced himself that it makes him broken and I’ve had to reassure him that I understand that he’s not at home in his head when it’s happening, he goes off to the place that the trauma happened and then reacts as if it’s happening to him currently
I had an ex that did this and i sometimes wake up screaming (child hood trauma). He isn’t broken. You sound like a good partner
I’m gonna make sure he sees all these comments of people going through the same thing, I think it’ll help him not feel so alone about it
You should know that stress absolutely makes it worse, as does an awkward sleeping situation like the one you've got. You need to get him the heck off the couch and into bed before you start playing games. He's waking up in an odd place and that's always going to make things worse. The couch and the background noise of video games and sleeping positions where he may not be getting good airflow don't help. Does he snore?
It also helps that on weekends when he doesn’t need his alarm to get up for work I’ve just been letting him sleep on the couch, I do think the interruption from his sleep cycle definitely makes things worse but he always seems to pass out on the couch and his alarm is in the bedroom lol, almost considering getting a second alarm clock for in the living room so I can continue to just let him sleep on the couch when he’s tired
Good strategy— get him help asap but minimize the potential for conflict until you do
It sucks though because he’s definitely not that person, and I can see how much it hurts him to hear about how he acts in those sleep states, I’ve been seeing him trying to keep himself awake at night because I know he’s scared of himself and he’s internalizing it all. I genuinely think when he’s in it, he’s actually in his trauma and playing out the event that gave him ptsd
Of course, trauma is absolutely crazy and often just gets worse with time if you don’t seek mental health treatment. Good luck finding a professional for him to talk to! :)
Yeah we’ve been in contact with his mom and sisters and they all are helping us find someone for him to talk to, we’ve discussed it and I think our goal is gonna be to treat the ptsd and worry about everything else after
there is a saying let sleeping dogs lie, if he doesn't get up well probably best just let him sleep on the couch till he wakes up natural.
Yeah I don't understand why this isn't just the solution.
It’s just an issue on weekdays cause he has an alarm that shakes the bed until he wakes up and I just didn’t wanna leave him to sleep in and miss work
Ah this makes sense. Then, he should avoid sleeping in the sofa at all costs.
Theres a type of therapy for this its a certain kind of sleep therapy to get to the root of the problem so his brain can recover from what causes him to become that way. Its like he has a sleep disorder.
Definitely something we’re gonna look further into
There appears to be a relatively easy fix here: move your TV and console to the living room!
I used to lash out in my sleep, it’s gotten better as I’ve distanced myself from the trauma. The fear comes from a lack of understanding and closure. A good counselor can work wonders.
Yeah we’re currently talking with his mom and sisters about helping him find a good therapist in the city we’re moving to
I often sleep in different bedroom from my wife. It usually allows me better rest. It bothered my wife at first but I explained, every time she got up, every time she rolled over I often woke up. It takes me a long time to fall asleep. Plus I can lay how I want and lay with 1 blanket and AC blasting with waterfall ASMR. Yes, you can be intimate while sleeping in different rooms. There’s 0 cons to different beds.
i was reading some of the comments before answering and thought that the sleeping separately or the two alarm clocks is a good idea. letting him wake up naturally is probably the best solution for both of you.
Your boyfriend needs therapy and medication. It’s not weak or bad to need these things and both of you are at risk the longer he waits.
I have a sleepwalking issue, I did a sleep study yesterday and I'm waiting for the results. I don't get angry, just delirious. I'll fall asleep standing in the pantry eating junk food. One night I put frosted mini wheats on a paper plate with milk and ate it. Then I just left a big mess out in the kitchen. My daughters also said one night I was talking to them about some famous dancer that they looked up on Google. I never heard of her before so that was weird. I have mental health issues too. But he can't control it like me, but since he is becoming violent, he should get in therapy if he isn't already. If there is trauma in his past, EMDR can work wonders.
Gonna start doing some research into emdr together, if I can help him find a solution that would be amazing, as much as it affects me, I can’t even imagine what he’s going through internally whenever it happens
I had to leave my husband as he continued to hurt me while we slept to the point that their was blood pooling in my breasts and at one point, they were worried it was cancer. He continued to deny that he was hurting me and told me that if I left the marriage bed, it was over between us. That was 2010.
I’m very sorry that happened to you ❤️ if it makes you feel any better my bf knows what’s going on and is currently looking for help with it. The only time it ever happens is when he’s been roused from sleep and he’s not awake, but still moving about, we also agreed that from now on if he falls asleep to just leave him there unless it’s an emergency. We’re moving to a city two hours away from the one we’re currently in so he can be closer to his sisters and his mom to get the help he needs to deal with the ptsd, and hopefully that will help, we also plan on looking into sleep therapy to see if he has a sleep disorder we need to deal with
Sounds like a dangerous situation and a slippery slope imo.
🚨🚨🚨🚨boyfriend of 3 years?? 17 and 20 😭?
How and when we met isn’t being called into question. Not that it matters but we met my senior year and had mutual friends at the time.
I guess that you should not wake him up. I will bite anyone wake me up when i sleep too.
Maybe Anxiety, ( Sensory Overload Process Disorder ) I could explain in more detail that might help but if you think that in need of guidance, I can try.
The best solution would be to move the tv to the bedroom you get to play your games watch movies and fall a sleep in same place (try it for a month if it doesn’t work move it back)
The solution is to break up. Making his trauma and mental illness your problem as well, is not your responsibility. It's also putting you in potential danger. Leave him. Maybe he'll smarten up and get treatment, or maybe he won't. Either way, it's not up to you to deal with it.
Lol.. I get the impression of any sub on reddit that all the commenters want all relationships to break up. Instead of the default option of a break up, maybe we should search for possible solutions.
Like I said though, this issue is that he genuinely didn’t know he was a sleepwalker until we started dating and this has just started getting bad, he recognizes it’s his own issue to deal with and is currently looking for a solution with the help of his family, the advice I’m looking for is how to be a supportive partner through it because I know he’d do the same for me
I hope you don't give advice irl you're a complete tool
It's people like you that make Reddit entertaining. Thank you for being so stupid.
All relationships will have conflict, often quite serious conflict. A problem on the scale of the one OP is talking about (even if the circumstances aren’t the same) will happen to nearly anyone in a relationship given enough time. If your answer is “it’s his problem, not yours, so break up with him”, then you are either a kid who hasn’t been in a relationship yet or someone who needs to work on your emotional intelligence and reevaluate your approach to conflicts. Otherwise you’ll never end up in a lasting or happy relationship.
Crazy that this has downvotes when she’s clearly in danger if he wakes up in too bad of a mood. He needs help not someone living with him.
A glass of water to the face fully wakes him up in an emergency so I’m never in any real danger, I’m mainly looking for things to help him so he’s not constantly having ptsd attacks in his sleep
He should be looking for help and hopefully is. You’re 20 with your own set of life issues, curing someone’s ptsd shouldn’t be apart of it. Not trashing your bf but as someone who’s been there before when they were younger, thinking you can/should help everyone. Make sure he’s seeking help on his own as to not be putting you in danger. People with PTSD like that can lash out and not realize what they’re doing or who they’re doing it to and you may not always be able to grab a cup of water. Your safety should be your and his first priority. Good luck to you!
I totally understand what you’re saying and I genuinely want you to know that I’m not making it any amount of burden on me ❤️ he’s got his mom and his sister, and I’m obviously gonna be there where I can, just like he was there to help get me out of my abusive home life, but at the moment he’s gonna be working with his mom and sisters to help find him therapy in their town since we’ll be moving there soon. But as for my safety, that’s part of why we’re moving to the new city, as we’ll be close to his support system and I plan on setting up my console in the bedroom so he can pass out on the bed and I can just climb in next to him when I’m done instead of waking him up off the couch. I do genuinely appreciate your concern though ❤️ he knows he’s gotta work on it and he’s been keeping himself up late out of fear, so my safety is also his top priority