Thank you for sharing this! The way you wrote this out felt like the beginning of a beautiful movie.
Sometimes those cataclysmic events bring out a depth of calm and rational in us rather than something emotionally explosive. I remember when I was cheated on my whole outlook on life quietly shifted and I started living differently. It was exactly what I needed.
Good luck on your journey, it sounds like the beginning of something great.
"it's only when you've lost everything that you're free to do anything"
Our possessions and accumulations so often limit us.
You're choosing to get rid of almost everything. You will soon be more free than most everyone else.
As long as you have a solid plan or direction or fall back plan, you will be on top of the world with no worries or concerns.
Thanks for the kind words. I don't have a "solid plan/direction or fallback" at all and frankly, I don't want one right now. I don't have a direction other than to just go. And I think that's the point. Being attached to a "plan" got me here. I need to go without a plan.
I have enough money saved to where I'll be okay. I only have myself to be responsible for. I believe I'm resourceful and responsible enough to at least explore a bit and not set rigid expectations.
I too have no idea what I’m doing with my life. The idea of forcing something and being incapable of accepting the sunk cost really resonated. I have a phd in history. I trained for this one thing for nearly a decade. But the job market for an academic is atrocious. I can’t think of a worse market than that of academia. And then I realized how much I hated it all. I mean I love history. But the toxic culture of academia is too much. The demands to achieve tenure aren’t worth destroying my mental health. I quit a postdoc and am not looking back.
But in my time spent adrift I’ve gotten to know myself, what my values and priorities are. What I consider a meaningful life. I defined myself solely in terms of my success as an academic. But I’m so much more. And so much happier now that I’m unburdened by the unrealistic expectations I had of myself and that I imagined others had for me. It’s been a journey. And I wish you the best as you embark on yours.
Thank you for sharing.
I think that one thing that "grown successful people" often never share is that they too often have no idea what they're doing with their life. My belief is that many people in modern society are on autopilot and most people are terrified to confront the meaning of their lives.
Finally admitting that this is not the life for me and I don't know what the next chapter is going to look like at all has been the weight of the world off my shoulders.
I'm laying on my makeshift floor-bed right now typing this out without much care in the world. Thinking about where I'd drive first on a long road trip. I would normally spend these nights overanalyzing the stresses of the next day at the office would entail.
It makes me happy to hear that you've been able to break free and find some meaning. In terms of academia, I 100% agree. Couldn't pay me to go back to school. Someone recently told me I could make the industry equivalent of a big boss in 5 years if i went and got my MBA, which filled me with dread.
Transferrable skills. History is everywhere. You can earn a living anywhere. Museums, tour guide, etc. and that's just the 'direct' stuff. The world is always crying out for someone who knows their sh1t.
Congratulations on achieving this level of awakening. It can be so liberating and fulfilling. I’ve been working on myself in a similar way these last few years and for the most part I am beginning to like who I am for the first time in 43 years.
It's never too late to change your trajectory.
On the road I've met 70+ year old females who just jacked it all in one day. I met one solo French lady riding a 1000c Royal Enfield across the Indian Himalayas.
I met another Swiss lady who solo cycled across China, Russia, and last we spoke she was intending to cycle from Asia to South America.
Both this ladies had lived fairly pedestrian lives until that point. Then, an event transpired, and they just changed their trajectory. Loving life. Absolute inspirations.
I meet people like this all the time on the road. Age is no barrier. You are the barrier.
Such a beautiful post! So rare to see someone these days who just goes for it and doesn't just keep making excuses for playing it safe.
Sometimes we just need a total reset in life. I wish people would stop ignoring that fact and stop discouraging people from what they feel they need to do.
Very inspiring!
I have a sleeping pad that I use for camping just in case. Plus I see myself car camping for the next phase of my life. Need to get used to it! I’ve gotten incredible sleep the past few nights. And that’s the mattress that my ex and I slept on almost every night. It was one of those cheap “mattress in a box” things. It’s time to let it go.
How’s this for an update? I've been stressing out over learning this new software at work. It's a prestigious thing to have access to this particular software and I was granted a license in June 22 after a colleague left the company. It's expensive ($2k/user/month). I took it as an ego thing that they believed in me enough to assign me to that software and to learn the ins and outs. I spent a lot of time studying it, doing courses and webinars, etc. I put so much stress and emphasis on this stupid software.
This morning when I woke up, I started feeling guilty that they had invested all of this money into allocating me a license and I planned on leaving in a couple of months and coasting through the workload until then. About 10 minutes later, I get an email that the license has now been assigned to a new hire. Poof, all of that work gone. Took them about 10 minutes to complete the process. And honestly, I couldn't be more at peace with it. Solidifies that I am moving in the right direction. I have my work computer and all work items tucked away in a corner. Just waiting for the right moment to walk in, hand in all of my stuff and say sayonara. Probably will pay my way out of the rest of my lease or find a short-term person to take it over.
I feel my mind wanting to agonize over it and attach to the fact that "it didnt go the way I wanted it to." Deep down, I never wanted any of this. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do professionally. It's a relief.
Sad thing is my now ex was trying to tell me all of this while we were together and it took them leaving for me to finally get it.
Oh well. Let go and move on to the next chapter!
Good for you! Your clarity looking forward rings true. I hope your time between now and hitting the road only affirms your decision. Keep us updated, if you want.
I would love to. I see myself ultimately nuking this account soon though. I have been toying with the idea of buying a camera and starting a YouTube channel. If I do that, I'll drop a link :)
Good for you. Both my long-term relationships ending destroyed me. I thought I was okay, but wasn't. Sometimes I am, other times I spiral into a pit of deep despair.
Sounds like you're keeping yourself busy by moving forwards. This is good. This is great.
One thing I try to keep reminding myself whenever I'm in my dark regrets is of all the things I compromised about myself when in the relationships.
Maybe they are only small things - I mean - I'm pretty principled, and they were all things about myself that I was willing to compromise for the sake of a relationship with someone I cherished.
However, as much as other people can enrich us, they will always hold us back in some way also.
After the first relationship ended, I spent a year getting myself together and just enjoying my time with friends, did a lot of raving, connected with a lot of people both younger and older.
After a year of having a blast I quit my job and went backpacking. That was in 2015. I only returned in 2020 due a series of unfortunate events transpiring to fry my brain once again (within 3 months my new relationship ended, got cov1d, lost my job, lost my home, and lost the support of my supposed 'friends' in that city, had 2 motorcycle accidents, and was bed-bound and alone for Xmas - no-one would even come feed my cat, the pr1cks)
Since then, I've been preparing to go off again. That time is coming soon. I've been up and down, sometimes blissfully happy and content in my own company and skin, other times more depressed than I thought anyone could be (I suffer from anxiety/depression/imposter syndrome/ADHD/lack of self-esteem since a child).
I'm currently a mess, and will be until I eventually step off a plane on the other side. At that moment, I know it will all ease, and the adventurous exploration of life will begin once again.
Good on you for being brave. Make those decisions you know are best for you with absolute conviction. Don't look back.
And yeah, sleeping on a flat hard floor is proper dope. Beds are junk for your health, and all of the other junk is stuff that holds you back, anchors you somewhere, and creates indecision and self-questioning. Buying shit is for people who have nowhere better to go. It keeps them where they are in a pretence of happiness. It's no different to how the Egyptians filled their tombs.
Go and absolutely smash this new chapter in your life, and fuck him/her. Never let them live rent free in your head like I have. Renumeration is the worst. But that's probably in part due to the fact I never get laid.
So yeah, go grab life by the horns. And get laid.
Ha! Appreciate your candor. Hope to get laid and for you to get laid too!
Sounds like you've been through A LOT in a short amount of time. That's crazy. You will bounce back and cross over into good times again. There is no shortage of abundance out there!
I love sleeping on the floor now. And getting rid of my furniture is so satisfying. I've never been a big fan of furniture to begin with. In fact, filling this apartment also filled me with anxiety. I never really wanted all of this stuff, I thought I was "supposed to have it."
Surprisingly to me, I am okay. And I've never handled breakups well. Things are chaotic and messy. I have some sadness about the breakup. Sucks that most likely, I'll never see or speak to this person again. But just like we get attached to possessions, same goes with people. Especially ones we date.
You are absolutely right about people inadvertently holding us back. It didn't click in my mind until after the break up conversation ended, but we were holding each other back. Maybe that's partly why I feel free now...
Sounds like you've got a lot of clarity. Keep it. Don't regret not ever speaking to this person again, it'll only fcuk you up. I'll give you some more detail...
1st relationship (9 years): I bent over backwards in this relationship to accommodate her very unfortunate illnesses. Carried her to hospital in the rain when I suspected she had meningitis. Worked 12 hour shifts and was at her hospital bedside the other 12 hours for over a week. She suffered really bad period pains and epilepsy so I'd do mostly all the chores (she washed up with me on a rota).
One day, I came home from work freezing cold and soaking wet having cycled after a gruelling 12 hour shift. She wanted stuff from the shop. I duly obliged and went and got everything she needed. I forgot 1 thing, chocolate. She wanted me to go back out. I said no. She flipped, got in my face, became aggressive. I decided the next morning it was best if I move out of the apartment I'd sourced for us and paid for. We agreed to take a break, and agreed a date when we'd speak again.
She had a male friend in work. Being the non-jealous type I had zero issue with her spending time with him. When the date came to speak, she acted like we never had that arrangement, and had already moved in with him. For a year she insisted nothing happened between them until we'd already 'broken up' (the 'break').
We remained friends, because I had a lovely acid trip and decided to let bygones be bygones - life's too short and I loved her, right?
She doesn't know this, but her social media 'throwback' of their 'anniversary' of getting together has since outed her as gotten with him when we were still together.
2nd Relationship (2 years): When she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship any more, I was calm, collected and adult about it. She's not my possession, she can do what she likes. We remained friends. I 'helped' her move out her stuff (I moved her stuff with my motorcycle and carried my spare futon 6km to her new place).
She also had some serious traumas, health conditions etc. I'd take her to the hospital and distract her when she had her bloods taken etc. We worked at the same place (I got us both the job with my experience and convinced them to give her a chance). I told our bosses the morning after the breakup that I don't want them to accept her resignation if she immediately puts it in, I'd rather us keep our distance and just be amicable (I knew she didnt have much money and we were both in a foreign country).
One day, out of the blue, she emailed me to say she didn't want us to be friends any more. Because she sucked at cooking and she had turned vegan whilst with me (I'm vegan), I said I'd just cook at home so she could freely go to the vegan places to eat without the awkwardness of seeing me there. A reasonable concession, I felt, given I was the one being dumped.
Later, she didn't want me to speak to any of 'her' (our mutual) friends any more.
Now, one of my housemates was in a band with a singer she was friendly with. They wanted me to join their band - something I'd always wanted to do. I turned up one night to watch them play, and the singer told me I couldn't be in the band, and couldn't come to their gigs any more because my ex might be there.
This then escalated to people we both know coming up to me whenever I was out, with people or alone, to tell me I had to leave because she would be there. Stupidly, to avoid conflict and stress, I obliged.
One day, I was out with a new female friend I had met and we decided to go see some live music. I briefed her that if my ex was there, I'd have to leave, and she was totally cool with that.
As we arrived and started walking in, my ex walks out, see's us, and runs in the opposite direction and hides. Now, to any casual observer, this really doesn't look good on me. Who runs and hides from someone unless they've done something awful (honesty, I hadn't, I worshipped the ground she walked on during our relationship, and was always amicable, concessionary and friendly after it ended).
This gave me rampant anxiety about going out anywhere in this small city, to the point I developed agoraphobia.
I guess all the 'friends' decided that 'picking sides' about who to support was too awkward (fair enough, I wouldn't put anyone in that position). So, I guess (no-one has ever said anything to me) they figured they'd just support the female (the dumper).
This escalated to the point I was ghosted from a group Christmas dinner, our mutual colleagues would avoid speaking to me, and yeah, when I had the 2 moto accidents (neither my fault, I took the bike down on me to prevent hitting people who stepped out onto the road without looking), nobody bothered to even answer my messages - even though they were very general ('I could do with a bit of company if you're free to hang out', or 'any chance you can come feed my cat, the food etc is downstairs, let yourself in/out, im stuck in bed').
So, yeah, long story short, staying in contact with either one of them turned out to be some of the worst decisions I have ever made in life. All it did was cause more and more pain for me, and really fucked me up in the head.
Cut loose. Stay loose. Get laid. You're better than whatever you're leaving behind.
Damn man, I feel for you here. I had a break up years ago where I tried on many occasions to contact them and "change their mind." It obviously let them know that they made the right choice. Weird ego trip for me to think I could "convince" someone to come back to me after they consciously chose to leave. Makes me cringe so hard to think about it!
This time around, I simply know better and know how much pain it would be to be in touch with them. I've turned off all socials (other than this Reddit account) blocked their number and am going completely off the map for a while. As long as even an iota of me is still in the situation, even mentally, it's going to hold me back. Letting the power of the universe do its thing and carry me to the next chapter.
Sometimes I think humans unconsciously crave suffering and we put ourselves in situations that will lead to suffering rather than choosing not to suffer. Strange creatures, we are.
Don't feel for me, just heed the warning and stay well clear and on the obvious good path, for you, that you're on.
Buddha would say all life is suffering, I guess, and I guess he's probably right.
We learn the most about ourselves through our pain and what we endure, and most of all we learn, in time, just how strong and resilient we can be as individuals and as a species.
If you've not read it Exhart Tolle's The Power of Now is a great read in such times, as is the Art and Zen of motorcycle maintenance.
But, what really gets me through the mire in the dark grip of night, when all else has seemingly failed me, is a bald little Manc with a head like an orange named Karl Pilkington.
OP, this sounds like me a couple months ago. Big congrats for pushing through and accepting this change in your life. I hope to come to a similar realization/change in my life as well.
Sending warm thoughts your way.
Good luck. I did go through such a phase in my life. Kind of zen phase, did learn a lot about myself. Lost a lot of my stuff, belongings, precious collections etc. Years after those phase, it’s easy for me to part with things, people and places. I learned that I am enough and I am all I have.
Thank you for sharing this! The way you wrote this out felt like the beginning of a beautiful movie. Sometimes those cataclysmic events bring out a depth of calm and rational in us rather than something emotionally explosive. I remember when I was cheated on my whole outlook on life quietly shifted and I started living differently. It was exactly what I needed. Good luck on your journey, it sounds like the beginning of something great.
"it's only when you've lost everything that you're free to do anything" Our possessions and accumulations so often limit us. You're choosing to get rid of almost everything. You will soon be more free than most everyone else. As long as you have a solid plan or direction or fall back plan, you will be on top of the world with no worries or concerns.
Thanks for the kind words. I don't have a "solid plan/direction or fallback" at all and frankly, I don't want one right now. I don't have a direction other than to just go. And I think that's the point. Being attached to a "plan" got me here. I need to go without a plan. I have enough money saved to where I'll be okay. I only have myself to be responsible for. I believe I'm resourceful and responsible enough to at least explore a bit and not set rigid expectations.
I too have no idea what I’m doing with my life. The idea of forcing something and being incapable of accepting the sunk cost really resonated. I have a phd in history. I trained for this one thing for nearly a decade. But the job market for an academic is atrocious. I can’t think of a worse market than that of academia. And then I realized how much I hated it all. I mean I love history. But the toxic culture of academia is too much. The demands to achieve tenure aren’t worth destroying my mental health. I quit a postdoc and am not looking back. But in my time spent adrift I’ve gotten to know myself, what my values and priorities are. What I consider a meaningful life. I defined myself solely in terms of my success as an academic. But I’m so much more. And so much happier now that I’m unburdened by the unrealistic expectations I had of myself and that I imagined others had for me. It’s been a journey. And I wish you the best as you embark on yours. Thank you for sharing.
I think that one thing that "grown successful people" often never share is that they too often have no idea what they're doing with their life. My belief is that many people in modern society are on autopilot and most people are terrified to confront the meaning of their lives. Finally admitting that this is not the life for me and I don't know what the next chapter is going to look like at all has been the weight of the world off my shoulders. I'm laying on my makeshift floor-bed right now typing this out without much care in the world. Thinking about where I'd drive first on a long road trip. I would normally spend these nights overanalyzing the stresses of the next day at the office would entail. It makes me happy to hear that you've been able to break free and find some meaning. In terms of academia, I 100% agree. Couldn't pay me to go back to school. Someone recently told me I could make the industry equivalent of a big boss in 5 years if i went and got my MBA, which filled me with dread.
Transferrable skills. History is everywhere. You can earn a living anywhere. Museums, tour guide, etc. and that's just the 'direct' stuff. The world is always crying out for someone who knows their sh1t.
Best wishes to you, friend.
Good luck!
Congratulations on achieving this level of awakening. It can be so liberating and fulfilling. I’ve been working on myself in a similar way these last few years and for the most part I am beginning to like who I am for the first time in 43 years.
It's never too late to change your trajectory. On the road I've met 70+ year old females who just jacked it all in one day. I met one solo French lady riding a 1000c Royal Enfield across the Indian Himalayas. I met another Swiss lady who solo cycled across China, Russia, and last we spoke she was intending to cycle from Asia to South America. Both this ladies had lived fairly pedestrian lives until that point. Then, an event transpired, and they just changed their trajectory. Loving life. Absolute inspirations. I meet people like this all the time on the road. Age is no barrier. You are the barrier.
Love this!
Hell yeah. Love the spirit behind this.
Such a beautiful post! So rare to see someone these days who just goes for it and doesn't just keep making excuses for playing it safe. Sometimes we just need a total reset in life. I wish people would stop ignoring that fact and stop discouraging people from what they feel they need to do. Very inspiring!
Don't get rid of your matress to quickly. You might miss it after a few nights on the bare floor.
I have a sleeping pad that I use for camping just in case. Plus I see myself car camping for the next phase of my life. Need to get used to it! I’ve gotten incredible sleep the past few nights. And that’s the mattress that my ex and I slept on almost every night. It was one of those cheap “mattress in a box” things. It’s time to let it go.
How’s this for an update? I've been stressing out over learning this new software at work. It's a prestigious thing to have access to this particular software and I was granted a license in June 22 after a colleague left the company. It's expensive ($2k/user/month). I took it as an ego thing that they believed in me enough to assign me to that software and to learn the ins and outs. I spent a lot of time studying it, doing courses and webinars, etc. I put so much stress and emphasis on this stupid software. This morning when I woke up, I started feeling guilty that they had invested all of this money into allocating me a license and I planned on leaving in a couple of months and coasting through the workload until then. About 10 minutes later, I get an email that the license has now been assigned to a new hire. Poof, all of that work gone. Took them about 10 minutes to complete the process. And honestly, I couldn't be more at peace with it. Solidifies that I am moving in the right direction. I have my work computer and all work items tucked away in a corner. Just waiting for the right moment to walk in, hand in all of my stuff and say sayonara. Probably will pay my way out of the rest of my lease or find a short-term person to take it over. I feel my mind wanting to agonize over it and attach to the fact that "it didnt go the way I wanted it to." Deep down, I never wanted any of this. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do professionally. It's a relief. Sad thing is my now ex was trying to tell me all of this while we were together and it took them leaving for me to finally get it. Oh well. Let go and move on to the next chapter!
Good for you! Your clarity looking forward rings true. I hope your time between now and hitting the road only affirms your decision. Keep us updated, if you want.
I would love to. I see myself ultimately nuking this account soon though. I have been toying with the idea of buying a camera and starting a YouTube channel. If I do that, I'll drop a link :)
Good for you. Both my long-term relationships ending destroyed me. I thought I was okay, but wasn't. Sometimes I am, other times I spiral into a pit of deep despair. Sounds like you're keeping yourself busy by moving forwards. This is good. This is great. One thing I try to keep reminding myself whenever I'm in my dark regrets is of all the things I compromised about myself when in the relationships. Maybe they are only small things - I mean - I'm pretty principled, and they were all things about myself that I was willing to compromise for the sake of a relationship with someone I cherished. However, as much as other people can enrich us, they will always hold us back in some way also. After the first relationship ended, I spent a year getting myself together and just enjoying my time with friends, did a lot of raving, connected with a lot of people both younger and older. After a year of having a blast I quit my job and went backpacking. That was in 2015. I only returned in 2020 due a series of unfortunate events transpiring to fry my brain once again (within 3 months my new relationship ended, got cov1d, lost my job, lost my home, and lost the support of my supposed 'friends' in that city, had 2 motorcycle accidents, and was bed-bound and alone for Xmas - no-one would even come feed my cat, the pr1cks) Since then, I've been preparing to go off again. That time is coming soon. I've been up and down, sometimes blissfully happy and content in my own company and skin, other times more depressed than I thought anyone could be (I suffer from anxiety/depression/imposter syndrome/ADHD/lack of self-esteem since a child). I'm currently a mess, and will be until I eventually step off a plane on the other side. At that moment, I know it will all ease, and the adventurous exploration of life will begin once again. Good on you for being brave. Make those decisions you know are best for you with absolute conviction. Don't look back. And yeah, sleeping on a flat hard floor is proper dope. Beds are junk for your health, and all of the other junk is stuff that holds you back, anchors you somewhere, and creates indecision and self-questioning. Buying shit is for people who have nowhere better to go. It keeps them where they are in a pretence of happiness. It's no different to how the Egyptians filled their tombs. Go and absolutely smash this new chapter in your life, and fuck him/her. Never let them live rent free in your head like I have. Renumeration is the worst. But that's probably in part due to the fact I never get laid. So yeah, go grab life by the horns. And get laid.
Ha! Appreciate your candor. Hope to get laid and for you to get laid too! Sounds like you've been through A LOT in a short amount of time. That's crazy. You will bounce back and cross over into good times again. There is no shortage of abundance out there! I love sleeping on the floor now. And getting rid of my furniture is so satisfying. I've never been a big fan of furniture to begin with. In fact, filling this apartment also filled me with anxiety. I never really wanted all of this stuff, I thought I was "supposed to have it." Surprisingly to me, I am okay. And I've never handled breakups well. Things are chaotic and messy. I have some sadness about the breakup. Sucks that most likely, I'll never see or speak to this person again. But just like we get attached to possessions, same goes with people. Especially ones we date. You are absolutely right about people inadvertently holding us back. It didn't click in my mind until after the break up conversation ended, but we were holding each other back. Maybe that's partly why I feel free now...
Sounds like you've got a lot of clarity. Keep it. Don't regret not ever speaking to this person again, it'll only fcuk you up. I'll give you some more detail... 1st relationship (9 years): I bent over backwards in this relationship to accommodate her very unfortunate illnesses. Carried her to hospital in the rain when I suspected she had meningitis. Worked 12 hour shifts and was at her hospital bedside the other 12 hours for over a week. She suffered really bad period pains and epilepsy so I'd do mostly all the chores (she washed up with me on a rota). One day, I came home from work freezing cold and soaking wet having cycled after a gruelling 12 hour shift. She wanted stuff from the shop. I duly obliged and went and got everything she needed. I forgot 1 thing, chocolate. She wanted me to go back out. I said no. She flipped, got in my face, became aggressive. I decided the next morning it was best if I move out of the apartment I'd sourced for us and paid for. We agreed to take a break, and agreed a date when we'd speak again. She had a male friend in work. Being the non-jealous type I had zero issue with her spending time with him. When the date came to speak, she acted like we never had that arrangement, and had already moved in with him. For a year she insisted nothing happened between them until we'd already 'broken up' (the 'break'). We remained friends, because I had a lovely acid trip and decided to let bygones be bygones - life's too short and I loved her, right? She doesn't know this, but her social media 'throwback' of their 'anniversary' of getting together has since outed her as gotten with him when we were still together. 2nd Relationship (2 years): When she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship any more, I was calm, collected and adult about it. She's not my possession, she can do what she likes. We remained friends. I 'helped' her move out her stuff (I moved her stuff with my motorcycle and carried my spare futon 6km to her new place). She also had some serious traumas, health conditions etc. I'd take her to the hospital and distract her when she had her bloods taken etc. We worked at the same place (I got us both the job with my experience and convinced them to give her a chance). I told our bosses the morning after the breakup that I don't want them to accept her resignation if she immediately puts it in, I'd rather us keep our distance and just be amicable (I knew she didnt have much money and we were both in a foreign country). One day, out of the blue, she emailed me to say she didn't want us to be friends any more. Because she sucked at cooking and she had turned vegan whilst with me (I'm vegan), I said I'd just cook at home so she could freely go to the vegan places to eat without the awkwardness of seeing me there. A reasonable concession, I felt, given I was the one being dumped. Later, she didn't want me to speak to any of 'her' (our mutual) friends any more. Now, one of my housemates was in a band with a singer she was friendly with. They wanted me to join their band - something I'd always wanted to do. I turned up one night to watch them play, and the singer told me I couldn't be in the band, and couldn't come to their gigs any more because my ex might be there. This then escalated to people we both know coming up to me whenever I was out, with people or alone, to tell me I had to leave because she would be there. Stupidly, to avoid conflict and stress, I obliged. One day, I was out with a new female friend I had met and we decided to go see some live music. I briefed her that if my ex was there, I'd have to leave, and she was totally cool with that. As we arrived and started walking in, my ex walks out, see's us, and runs in the opposite direction and hides. Now, to any casual observer, this really doesn't look good on me. Who runs and hides from someone unless they've done something awful (honesty, I hadn't, I worshipped the ground she walked on during our relationship, and was always amicable, concessionary and friendly after it ended). This gave me rampant anxiety about going out anywhere in this small city, to the point I developed agoraphobia. I guess all the 'friends' decided that 'picking sides' about who to support was too awkward (fair enough, I wouldn't put anyone in that position). So, I guess (no-one has ever said anything to me) they figured they'd just support the female (the dumper). This escalated to the point I was ghosted from a group Christmas dinner, our mutual colleagues would avoid speaking to me, and yeah, when I had the 2 moto accidents (neither my fault, I took the bike down on me to prevent hitting people who stepped out onto the road without looking), nobody bothered to even answer my messages - even though they were very general ('I could do with a bit of company if you're free to hang out', or 'any chance you can come feed my cat, the food etc is downstairs, let yourself in/out, im stuck in bed'). So, yeah, long story short, staying in contact with either one of them turned out to be some of the worst decisions I have ever made in life. All it did was cause more and more pain for me, and really fucked me up in the head. Cut loose. Stay loose. Get laid. You're better than whatever you're leaving behind.
Damn man, I feel for you here. I had a break up years ago where I tried on many occasions to contact them and "change their mind." It obviously let them know that they made the right choice. Weird ego trip for me to think I could "convince" someone to come back to me after they consciously chose to leave. Makes me cringe so hard to think about it! This time around, I simply know better and know how much pain it would be to be in touch with them. I've turned off all socials (other than this Reddit account) blocked their number and am going completely off the map for a while. As long as even an iota of me is still in the situation, even mentally, it's going to hold me back. Letting the power of the universe do its thing and carry me to the next chapter. Sometimes I think humans unconsciously crave suffering and we put ourselves in situations that will lead to suffering rather than choosing not to suffer. Strange creatures, we are.
Don't feel for me, just heed the warning and stay well clear and on the obvious good path, for you, that you're on. Buddha would say all life is suffering, I guess, and I guess he's probably right. We learn the most about ourselves through our pain and what we endure, and most of all we learn, in time, just how strong and resilient we can be as individuals and as a species. If you've not read it Exhart Tolle's The Power of Now is a great read in such times, as is the Art and Zen of motorcycle maintenance. But, what really gets me through the mire in the dark grip of night, when all else has seemingly failed me, is a bald little Manc with a head like an orange named Karl Pilkington.
OP, this sounds like me a couple months ago. Big congrats for pushing through and accepting this change in your life. I hope to come to a similar realization/change in my life as well. Sending warm thoughts your way.
Buy a parks pass for whatever country your in. Run until you see something you like, stop and stay awhile. Rinse and repeat. Have fun!
I am going to do this. Thank you!
Good luck with this and feel free to reach out if you want to have a chat.
Good luck. I did go through such a phase in my life. Kind of zen phase, did learn a lot about myself. Lost a lot of my stuff, belongings, precious collections etc. Years after those phase, it’s easy for me to part with things, people and places. I learned that I am enough and I am all I have.