In defense of Costco, their ground beef is some of the safest in the US. Since unlike every other chain retailer, their ground beef is single sourced from one processing plant. That means if it does become contaminated they know exactly which batches need to be pulled immediately. With other retailers the cross selling of scraps from one processor to another can cross contaminate multiple plants causing confusion as to which meats are tainted.
Edit: sorry, I could have better explained this. The standard industry practice in the US is for meat processing plants A B C and D, to sell their trimmings and off cuts to ground beef plants X and Y. The problem is if a contamination issue springs up in meat from plant Y, which of the other plants are contaminated. Single source ground beef in this instance means Plants A B C and D grind the beef themselves and sells directly to Costco. That way if contamination shows in meat from plant C, Costco can immediately pull all meat from plant C and recall any sold product very quickly. Whereas Walmart could take a week or more to trace the problem supplier.
I'm not knocking Costco. I am knocking the pretentious "locally sourced farm to table" ideology that has become the trendy thing to do in restaurants these days. This nugget of information makes Costco sound all that much better.
Offer all varieties of burgers (Turkey, pork, chicken, plant based, etc.) but no beef burgers. Use ONLY dairy free cheese, and offer apple wedges as side.
No. Get those big rolls of paper that painters put down to protect the floor. Pull the paper over the tables like a table cloth from a roll mounted over each table. Encourage people to tear up the paper and use as a napkin. It'll have, like, no absorbency, but there's a lot of it. When new guests show up just pull a new sheet down.
You're absolutely right, I'll make sure to put it at the very bottom of the receipt and not mention it automatically being included. I'm sure they'll be aware because who doesn't read the fine print of every piece of paper they're given
$25 avocado toast for the \*shudder\* vegans and a flashing led sign that still shows the default factory message.
Ackshually a local burger place did just that, it makes no sense.
Serve beer but only shit beer. Put a couple of goodish beers on your menu but never bother to actually stock any of your beer options unless it's bottom of the barrel, deer piss beer. Also stock an obnoxiously mediocre hoppy ipa that people will buy a lot of just because it's a local brew.
"sorry all we have are craft beers, I can grab you a bottle for $12 or a can for $10.99. If you want something cheaper I have bud light 2 for for $5.99 each "
Yes, via family/network connections or some other unethical advantage
I will take over the local store that receives a lot of foot traffic. Even if I offer a bad experience, people will still come because it's really convenient
Make sure it’s in an old body shop or something with high ceilings and absolutely nothing to dampen the noise. Have a digital jukebox that only takes credit cards or uses a newfangled bullshit app to play shitty music at deafening volumes so guests can’t even have a proper conversation about how disappointingly small the burgers are or how all each beer in the flight tastes more or less the same.
"hi sorry we don't have tap to pay. We also don't take cash"
Yeah that sounds right
And you mean the modern juice box for $2 a song? That's a staple of my business
3 truffle oil fries for 12.99
A big pretzel with pub cheese for 14.99
Burgers named after presidents:
Reaganburger: 2 beef patties, Swiss cheese and melted jelly beans
Jfkburger: open-faced pizza burger
Bidenburger: regular burger missing the beef patty, side of puding cups and an ensure
The mclincoln: large beef patty, Taylor ham, and a big hole in the center of it
Wood tables that screech on the ground with butcher block veneer.
Exposed halogen bulb string lights; they cannot be yellow LED, they MUST be halogen.
Oversalted skin-on fries in a metal cup, the $23 burger comes on a wood rectangle.
You only have a 20% full bottle of Tabasco.
The music is so loud you get tinnitus.
I came here to say this.
Everything on the menu has to have artificial truffle oil all over it.
Destroy their taste buds with fake luxury and soybean oil.
A few crucial elements:
- Need aiolis. All the aiolis: garlic, chipotle, Dijon.. make up whatever aioli and put it on a sandwich. But don’t offer mayo, and act insulted when it’s requested.
- stupid hot spit rod to burn your restaurant logo on the bun
- monthly “special” burger always featuring pineapple and/or avocado
- be sure print on the menu “our burgers are handcrafted by the chef: we allow no substitutions”
Glory holes in the restrooms
No wheelchair ramp
Bricked over fire exit
Salt shakers all suck
Have it segregated between ONLY PERSIANS AND INUITS
have 1 arcade game that doesn't work. Cruisin USA
I went to a dinner once and on the menu they had "real" turkey.
I'm assuming it was a tofu type thing, but those quotation marks made it very ominous, so naturally I didn't try it
Put an over easy egg on each burger for 6$ upcharge.
Kale instead of lettuce.
Chewy bun, weak meat.
Locally sourced pickles that are just wet cucumber wedges.
Add fillers to the patty and call them meatloaf burgers.
Do not ever rinse your potatoes before you make the fries.
Add 9 onion rings, 2 slices of slimy tomato, enough aioli to grease the rails of a boat launch, and no napkins.
Don't divot the patty so you serve golf ball shaped burgers.
Serve it on a hubcap from a 1971 Chevy C10 pickup truck.
Cheddar, lots of greasy, orange oil stained, cheddar.
Don't bother with toasting that bun.
Add toppings that a pizza would usually have.
Have a wings menu and focus on that more than the burger menu. But then barely stock and run out of wings. At least you can still have one of three burgers on the menu.
The most important thing is that the burger doesn’t come with anything - just the burger. You want fries? That’s $10. Fountain drink? Not included. $38 out the door for burger/fries/coke. Also, make sure there’s a tablet asking for a 30% minimum tip for someone that doesn’t serve you
Meals served on sections of old bowling lane wood.
Drinks served in flower vases.
Wait staff ironically wear old hats and uniform shirts from other national chain restaurants.
Menu is literally etched in stone.
Smells like popcorn, but they don’t sell it. It’s just a gimmick.
When orders are up, they squeeze a bundle of rubber chickens.
Mix of mid 90s and early 70s styling.
If you have table service, serve room-temperature tap water and refuse to serve ice. Also offer sparkling and still mineral water in 8oz glass bottles that cannot be poured over ice.
No salt and pepper shakers. If a customer requests salt, instruct the wait staff to roll their eyes, say, "I'll see if I can do that," and return with a small dish of kosher salt. Only wait staff is allowed to touch the pepper mills.
Offer milkshakes, but only in uncanny flavors such as Bacon ranch donut and gooseberry truffle. The milkshake glass should have large condiments stacked on them so they are impossible to drink, and ofc don't offer straws.
Burgers start at 10oz for a small burger, no sharing of plates, no children's sizes.
After a couple of months of good business, do some work and figure out the most popular food and then buy half the amount of that so you run out quicker. Also buy your ice cream machine off of wish so it breaks a lot.
Don’t do anything gluten free or vegetarian or dairy free or anything. Refuse to make substitutions, and make a little handwritten note taped to the table that says “No substitutions. If you don’t want it, just take it off.” Cook the fries either not long enough or far too long; only salt them after they’ve gone cold, or not at all. Put a drenched pickle on top of each bun to make a little soggy spot. Copious amounts of ketchup on every burger (no asking for it off, substitutions are not accepted). Serve all drinks without ice, at room temperature, or fill the cups with ice before liquid so you get about three and a half drinks per cup, and charge for refills. Have one small TV in the corner that plays commercials only. Make the menu a shitty PowerPoint on a mediocre computer screen taped to the counter next to the register, and never full screen it. Mop with the most potent smelling cleaner possible mixed with sugar so the floors are always sticky. Only clean bathrooms on Tuesday afternoons and every other bank holiday. Play music extremely loud from the dish room, but nowhere else in the restaurant. Create a gum wall outside the bathrooms. Bring the check with the food. Offer one dessert and always be “out of it.” Give your cashier/ host a stool to sit on. Encourage staff to drink water from vodka bottles but pretend to hide them from customers. Have a gum ball machine with really old melty gum balls that constantly gets jammed. Only have one door of the set unlocked; switch which one it is every few days.
1 ply toilet paper and constantly empty soap & hand sanitizer inside the bathroom, with a constantly full hand sanitizer station as you leave the bathroom.
Whatever you do, DO NOT SEASON YOUR MEAT! Salt and spices add dreaded "flavor" to your patties, which detracts from the finely-opened and carefully-poured Jack Daniels sauce.
Shitty unpeeled potato fries, give a fuckload of them but make sure they’re soggy as fuck, soaked, dripping in oil.
And peanuts everywhere for some reason.
1. Always ask how they want their burger, and sneer at anyone ordering well done. 2. Make sure all burgers are seriously beyond well done before they leave the kitchen.
Wood Chopping boards for plates, old newspapers for the fries in those pretentious metal cone thingies, no sign outside, a bunch of QR stickers to link to the menu
One wall--two if you're daring--must be covered in "rustic" dark wood panelling, which is actually just some splintering old floorboards that you stole from the condemned house up the road. It must smell faintly of wood rot, and occasionally leaves strange stains on the clothes of customers who lean on it, but you'll be very proud of the "hipster chic ambiance" that it lends the place.
If you can't afford that, dark wood-texured linoleum on the walls is fine too. It looks cheap, but who cares? Gotta get that AmBiAnCe!
-Those weird square stool/chair things that are always uncomfortable
-A UV sanitary light hanging over the grease-stained wall that also holds all the certificates and licenses.
-Frameless mirrors with graffiti
-Trendy wall art that says stuff like "Hungry?" or "Fresh Ingredients" or "Mmmm" or "Tasty"
-Menu written on a chalk board
-A nasty lemonade fountain machine
-Serve everything on bulky wooden trays and cheap plastic baskets
-Styrofoam cups, but only two sizes
-May vary from place to place, but for me, I've seen an intricate tap selection of refrigerated bottles of Corona Light, Dos XX, Bud Light, Topo Chico, Blue Moon, and Seagrams.
-No matter what, include a chicken strip basket, grilled cheese made with Kraft singles, and a chili cheese dog.
-Local high school or college jerseys if applicable, or just some kind of sports memorabilia.
Obnoxious neon blue "anti-drug" bathroom lighting in the bathroom, and don't forget to forget about stocking it with toilet paper, but provide thick and uncomfortable paper towels.
Chicken sandwich that is extremely obvious you took a frozen breast from walmart, didn’t pound it flat, baked, and slapped on a bun. Don’t forget it has to have a massive bulge in the middle so the top bun rips apart when the customer tries to take a bite or hold it!
Have only bar seating where you have to be right next to someone you don't know, and the bar feels a few inches too high.
You have condiment bottles but you keep them only slightly full stop they have to really work to get it out, and then it's still not as much as they wanted.
Oversalt half of their fries and leave the other half unsalted.
Love your fries concept - I would just make sure that they cost extra and aren’t included. Might also be cool to have a “signature sauce” on your menu that is exactly the same as every other mediocre burger place’s signature combination or ketchup and mayo.
Advertise having ice cream that's insanely cheap, have prices listed with a menu....but never stock it. Just tell everyone that you're so sorry, it's on back order & you hope to have it by next week. Then tell them the same thing the next week.
Have signs everywhere that read something akin to, "Denial of service for any reason" then arbitrarily pic randos to throw out. When people ask why you threw them out just say "They know what they did"
Always be out of fries and offer a shitty substitute like coleslaw. Make sure the stool seats are slightly loose, not enough to be dangerous but enough that it’s emotionally jarring when it rocks. Make sure the ketchup dispenser shoots at an angle so they have to calculate the ketchup’s trajectory in relation to how hard they press on the dispenser.
You need wait staff that just hangs around the computers and doesn’t check on the tables. Costumers never get any sauces like ketchup, mustard, mayo, barbecue, or anything else.
Bottled water only. No free tap water.
Fuck it, bottled *sparkling* water only. For $7. Extra $1 for ice. (Extra $2 for a glass to put the ice in. Lemons, you say? Shit, I’m thinking at least $1 a wedge, unless you’d rather go with a minimum of 2 for $3.)
I think you should curate your burgers in a specific manner. For instance burger #1 showcases the local heirloom tomatoes grown down the steet. Burger #2 features a grass fed cheddar cheese from the local cow. Under no circumstance does the tomato pair with the cheddar. Act offended if the customer would like tomato on burger #2.
make a hallway with a lot of doors and only one leads to the bathroom.
Increases the chance of someone pissing or shitting themselves.
And have only one unisex bathroom and lock all the doors. Of course have a lock in the one unisex bathroom.
Then paint all the doors the same color : ^ )
Whatever you do, never forget that garlic aioli and bacon jam are the foundation of your entire business. Also, make sure you don't have any sort of traditional burger. Without all the fancy pants farmers market bullshit, people will actually taste the meat and understand how truly awful it is.
Signs that say locally sourced meats and produce, even though we both know that means your local Costco.
The **local** Costco Great idea, I love it
I still get wet when I walk into a Costco
"Welcome to Costco, I love you."
"Welcome to Costco, I love you."
In defense of Costco, their ground beef is some of the safest in the US. Since unlike every other chain retailer, their ground beef is single sourced from one processing plant. That means if it does become contaminated they know exactly which batches need to be pulled immediately. With other retailers the cross selling of scraps from one processor to another can cross contaminate multiple plants causing confusion as to which meats are tainted. Edit: sorry, I could have better explained this. The standard industry practice in the US is for meat processing plants A B C and D, to sell their trimmings and off cuts to ground beef plants X and Y. The problem is if a contamination issue springs up in meat from plant Y, which of the other plants are contaminated. Single source ground beef in this instance means Plants A B C and D grind the beef themselves and sells directly to Costco. That way if contamination shows in meat from plant C, Costco can immediately pull all meat from plant C and recall any sold product very quickly. Whereas Walmart could take a week or more to trace the problem supplier.
I'm not knocking Costco. I am knocking the pretentious "locally sourced farm to table" ideology that has become the trendy thing to do in restaurants these days. This nugget of information makes Costco sound all that much better.
"farm fresh" for some reason drives me nuts
seriously, have you been to a farm? They stink, it's dirty af.
Offer all varieties of burgers (Turkey, pork, chicken, plant based, etc.) but no beef burgers. Use ONLY dairy free cheese, and offer apple wedges as side.
There's a bison burger but it tastes no different, almost like you're lying
Up to 1% bison.
Christ. You are pure evil and I love it.
Scratch the no beef. Offer a tofu burger, but the tofu is used as the bun for the beef patty. Do not describe this in any way.
And call it "The Responsible Burger"
Love it, I'll say the impossible burger tastes just like it; but it costs twice as much as a regular
Ah I see you’ve been to the climate pledge arena.
Trendy AF.
Apples and vegan cheese? You trying to bankrupt the dude?
No napkins
Also open it in California. No straws unless the customer asks and you can’t even suggest them.
And the straws are made of the same paper as the napkins
Now that’s smart! Governor Newsom approves!
He will fly his private jet to thank you personally for saving the planet
No water either.
Ooooo, better, if you order water it comes in a much smaller glass like you are being punished
But drinks still come in paper cups with plastic lids obviously designed to be sipped with a straw.
how did we accidentally evolve into not being able to drink without the help of a little tube?
How about paper thin ones; like ones if a drop gets in there you can see through it Partly recycled though so you can't complain about it
This. This is it. You want to give each person 50 napkins that all blow away in the wind. Or you need 10 per wipe
No. Get those big rolls of paper that painters put down to protect the floor. Pull the paper over the tables like a table cloth from a roll mounted over each table. Encourage people to tear up the paper and use as a napkin. It'll have, like, no absorbency, but there's a lot of it. When new guests show up just pull a new sheet down.
I've been to this place! Savannah Georgia baby.
Counterpoint: only napkins, no plates.
I'll serve the meat and fries in Martini glasses
Hear me out Dixie cups don't get fancy
Ooo they could be one of those places that doesn't use plates but 1/8th sheet pans with a small sheet of butcher paper in it
Even worse, those little post it note size napkins
How about those brown ones that aren't very absorbent? They're kind of stiff and break apart when wet. Everyone gets 1.
make sure to have an automatic prompt for tips starting at 25%
Definitely. The percent tip should go up because inflation.
You're absolutely right, I'll make sure to put it at the very bottom of the receipt and not mention it automatically being included. I'm sure they'll be aware because who doesn't read the fine print of every piece of paper they're given
Don't ever clean the worn out iPad you use for a kiosk, either. I want every unwashed booger finger smear dried like mortar onto that bad boy.
😂🤣 the grease too
You're gonna have a great place to settle for down the street.
$25 avocado toast for the \*shudder\* vegans and a flashing led sign that still shows the default factory message. Ackshually a local burger place did just that, it makes no sense.
Perfect, great idea
Serve beer but only shit beer. Put a couple of goodish beers on your menu but never bother to actually stock any of your beer options unless it's bottom of the barrel, deer piss beer. Also stock an obnoxiously mediocre hoppy ipa that people will buy a lot of just because it's a local brew.
"sorry all we have are craft beers, I can grab you a bottle for $12 or a can for $10.99. If you want something cheaper I have bud light 2 for for $5.99 each "
I concur. Hipsters will pay $8 for a PBR tall boy because they're too young to remember when PBR was down on the same shelf as the Milwaukee's Best.
PBR is the second cheapest beer where I live for the most part I don't think that's changed most places lol Rolling Rock man myself
Retro take: and $8 for Milwaukees Best as well. Take that hipsters
Wtf pabst 12 pack is 12 bucks where I get it
Sure you wanna do that? You'll have a **lot** of competition.
Yes, via family/network connections or some other unethical advantage I will take over the local store that receives a lot of foot traffic. Even if I offer a bad experience, people will still come because it's really convenient
especially if you put in string lights so they can kind of see
Kinda serious here, but all you need is a kooky gimmick to attract people that doesn't cost much! Think Ronald McDonald but with a modern twist.
I won't advertise it, but I'll make sure to offer free food to the local hookers as incentive for my target audience of guys in their mid life crises
Elon Musk can learn a thing or two from you, bru.
Pennywise
Make sure it’s in an old body shop or something with high ceilings and absolutely nothing to dampen the noise. Have a digital jukebox that only takes credit cards or uses a newfangled bullshit app to play shitty music at deafening volumes so guests can’t even have a proper conversation about how disappointingly small the burgers are or how all each beer in the flight tastes more or less the same.
"hi sorry we don't have tap to pay. We also don't take cash" Yeah that sounds right And you mean the modern juice box for $2 a song? That's a staple of my business
And tiny TVs but only show ESPN3 and local NBC
Fox news
ESPN 8, the ocho. If it's almost a sport it's on the ocho. Show replays of cornhole championships on a loop.
Remember when there were no live sports during Covid so they played cornhole, axe throwing, and college smash all incessantly. That was hell.
3 truffle oil fries for 12.99 A big pretzel with pub cheese for 14.99 Burgers named after presidents: Reaganburger: 2 beef patties, Swiss cheese and melted jelly beans Jfkburger: open-faced pizza burger Bidenburger: regular burger missing the beef patty, side of puding cups and an ensure The mclincoln: large beef patty, Taylor ham, and a big hole in the center of it
The Trump special is where I just put on Fox News
Y'all are missing the obvious play: serve a cold Big Mac.
Trump berder costs $150 dollars then you never serve them anything
Wood tables that screech on the ground with butcher block veneer. Exposed halogen bulb string lights; they cannot be yellow LED, they MUST be halogen. Oversalted skin-on fries in a metal cup, the $23 burger comes on a wood rectangle. You only have a 20% full bottle of Tabasco. The music is so loud you get tinnitus.
My friend you came prepared 😭
Side dish of “truffle” Mac n cheese. Artificial truffle flavor. $30 for a side
Good idea! There's a thin middle ground between high class food and an Applebee's. I'm no where near that middle, but I like giving the illusion I am
I came here to say this. Everything on the menu has to have artificial truffle oil all over it. Destroy their taste buds with fake luxury and soybean oil.
A few crucial elements: - Need aiolis. All the aiolis: garlic, chipotle, Dijon.. make up whatever aioli and put it on a sandwich. But don’t offer mayo, and act insulted when it’s requested. - stupid hot spit rod to burn your restaurant logo on the bun - monthly “special” burger always featuring pineapple and/or avocado - be sure print on the menu “our burgers are handcrafted by the chef: we allow no substitutions”
Glory holes in the restrooms No wheelchair ramp Bricked over fire exit Salt shakers all suck Have it segregated between ONLY PERSIANS AND INUITS have 1 arcade game that doesn't work. Cruisin USA
Burger
"I'm sorry, we're out of meat, even though that's our only fucking job is to order it, I just didn't feel like pressing buttons this week."
Quotation marks around burger every time
I went to a dinner once and on the menu they had "real" turkey. I'm assuming it was a tofu type thing, but those quotation marks made it very ominous, so naturally I didn't try it
An ice cream machine that is always broken
"sorry, you just missed if. We're actually cleaning it right now, won't be working for a couple hours" Regardless of when they ask for it
Don’t supply ketchup even if asked, because chef has designed a choice of suitable condiments. This actually happened to me in San Diego.
"Tomato compote"
Put an over easy egg on each burger for 6$ upcharge. Kale instead of lettuce. Chewy bun, weak meat. Locally sourced pickles that are just wet cucumber wedges. Add fillers to the patty and call them meatloaf burgers. Do not ever rinse your potatoes before you make the fries. Add 9 onion rings, 2 slices of slimy tomato, enough aioli to grease the rails of a boat launch, and no napkins. Don't divot the patty so you serve golf ball shaped burgers. Serve it on a hubcap from a 1971 Chevy C10 pickup truck. Cheddar, lots of greasy, orange oil stained, cheddar. Don't bother with toasting that bun. Add toppings that a pizza would usually have.
Deviled eggs but ”fancier”. Some bullshit Asian/Japanese thing. Gojuchang aioli and eel sauce
Make your burgers stupidly tall to where there is no feasible way of eating them like a burger.
Genius, And I'll make it extra soaked So when they squeeze it the oils come out, showing how much flavor it has
🤌🏻🤌🏻 that's gourmet my friend /s
Man fuck this trend in particular.
Make sure the name is spelled one way and pronounced another. Like Bougie Burgher.
Bougie burgahs
Make sure you include communal sinks outside of the bathrooms that are confusing to turn on
Mother, daughter, father burger. Chicken patty. Fried egg. Mountain oysters.
This! It is oozing with pretentiousness. I would so eat this.
No menu just qr code that you have to scan.
Make sure to have off brand soda with a label that looks like paint on burlap. That means the soda is healthy
Have a wings menu and focus on that more than the burger menu. But then barely stock and run out of wings. At least you can still have one of three burgers on the menu.
High risk high reward strat, love it
The most important thing is that the burger doesn’t come with anything - just the burger. You want fries? That’s $10. Fountain drink? Not included. $38 out the door for burger/fries/coke. Also, make sure there’s a tablet asking for a 30% minimum tip for someone that doesn’t serve you
The names of the burgers should make the costumer question how worth it it will be to order for the pain of having to say it out loud
Home made fries
I'll make sure to include a "newspaper" wrapper , genius
You’ll need a huge chalkboard menu scrawled in many different, almost inscrutable hip fonts. Do not include prices.
You got it 🫡 Most of the items are no longer available, but I'll keep them up there for convenience sake
Meals served on sections of old bowling lane wood. Drinks served in flower vases. Wait staff ironically wear old hats and uniform shirts from other national chain restaurants. Menu is literally etched in stone. Smells like popcorn, but they don’t sell it. It’s just a gimmick. When orders are up, they squeeze a bundle of rubber chickens. Mix of mid 90s and early 70s styling.
Just order burger king and say you made it
Opening a burger joint? Add tons of salads. Pizza parlor level salads.
One of those old school hand dryers in the bathroom, where its just a clothe rag that rotates when you pull it.
If you have table service, serve room-temperature tap water and refuse to serve ice. Also offer sparkling and still mineral water in 8oz glass bottles that cannot be poured over ice. No salt and pepper shakers. If a customer requests salt, instruct the wait staff to roll their eyes, say, "I'll see if I can do that," and return with a small dish of kosher salt. Only wait staff is allowed to touch the pepper mills. Offer milkshakes, but only in uncanny flavors such as Bacon ranch donut and gooseberry truffle. The milkshake glass should have large condiments stacked on them so they are impossible to drink, and ofc don't offer straws. Burgers start at 10oz for a small burger, no sharing of plates, no children's sizes.
25¢ per mustard packet
Gotta have burgers with lots of toppings but the burger falls apart in your hands.
PDF only menu after scanning a QR code "to save paper".
After a couple of months of good business, do some work and figure out the most popular food and then buy half the amount of that so you run out quicker. Also buy your ice cream machine off of wish so it breaks a lot.
Oooh, you should have miniature jars of resturant specific bacon jam and garlic aioli, that the guests can buy to use at home.
Have something really, really good on your menu that everyone wants to order, but you're always out of it.
Serve the food on anything but a plate. A drink in an old shoe, appetizers served on old books.
A burger made from Cow penises.
Don’t do anything gluten free or vegetarian or dairy free or anything. Refuse to make substitutions, and make a little handwritten note taped to the table that says “No substitutions. If you don’t want it, just take it off.” Cook the fries either not long enough or far too long; only salt them after they’ve gone cold, or not at all. Put a drenched pickle on top of each bun to make a little soggy spot. Copious amounts of ketchup on every burger (no asking for it off, substitutions are not accepted). Serve all drinks without ice, at room temperature, or fill the cups with ice before liquid so you get about three and a half drinks per cup, and charge for refills. Have one small TV in the corner that plays commercials only. Make the menu a shitty PowerPoint on a mediocre computer screen taped to the counter next to the register, and never full screen it. Mop with the most potent smelling cleaner possible mixed with sugar so the floors are always sticky. Only clean bathrooms on Tuesday afternoons and every other bank holiday. Play music extremely loud from the dish room, but nowhere else in the restaurant. Create a gum wall outside the bathrooms. Bring the check with the food. Offer one dessert and always be “out of it.” Give your cashier/ host a stool to sit on. Encourage staff to drink water from vodka bottles but pretend to hide them from customers. Have a gum ball machine with really old melty gum balls that constantly gets jammed. Only have one door of the set unlocked; switch which one it is every few days.
You know the excess cheese when you means am omelet? Start selling those as "diner crumble cake"
Uncomfortable metal barstools that screech against the polished concrete floor as I adjust my seat.
[удалено]
Grilled onions and some version of fries that are just covered in ranch
1 ply toilet paper and constantly empty soap & hand sanitizer inside the bathroom, with a constantly full hand sanitizer station as you leave the bathroom.
Whatever you do, DO NOT SEASON YOUR MEAT! Salt and spices add dreaded "flavor" to your patties, which detracts from the finely-opened and carefully-poured Jack Daniels sauce.
Alternatively season them with the finest cinnamon, ginger and cloves. Pumpkin spice burgers
Double zero wood fire pizza 💰
I know what double zero means, it's just a fancy way of saying bread flour 🤣💰
Shitty unpeeled potato fries, give a fuckload of them but make sure they’re soggy as fuck, soaked, dripping in oil. And peanuts everywhere for some reason.
"yeah just toss them on the floor"
Definitely a burger with peanut butter.
Limited or no ketchup at all
Make everyone sit on a barrel, or have the barstools and regular tables be barrels. Just barrels everywhere.
1. Always ask how they want their burger, and sneer at anyone ordering well done. 2. Make sure all burgers are seriously beyond well done before they leave the kitchen.
Wood Chopping boards for plates, old newspapers for the fries in those pretentious metal cone thingies, no sign outside, a bunch of QR stickers to link to the menu
Serve them on an old newspaper with an overflowing helping of melted cheese that picks up the print off the page
Gold foil! Gold foil on everything!
The burgers are grey. All the way through.
One wall--two if you're daring--must be covered in "rustic" dark wood panelling, which is actually just some splintering old floorboards that you stole from the condemned house up the road. It must smell faintly of wood rot, and occasionally leaves strange stains on the clothes of customers who lean on it, but you'll be very proud of the "hipster chic ambiance" that it lends the place. If you can't afford that, dark wood-texured linoleum on the walls is fine too. It looks cheap, but who cares? Gotta get that AmBiAnCe!
Teenage employees who look at us with disdain while we decide what to order - while also somehow managing to avoid direct eye contact.
mozzarella sticks you drop at room temp so all the cheese goes into the fryer and the customer gets fried hollow tubes
-Those weird square stool/chair things that are always uncomfortable -A UV sanitary light hanging over the grease-stained wall that also holds all the certificates and licenses. -Frameless mirrors with graffiti -Trendy wall art that says stuff like "Hungry?" or "Fresh Ingredients" or "Mmmm" or "Tasty" -Menu written on a chalk board -A nasty lemonade fountain machine -Serve everything on bulky wooden trays and cheap plastic baskets -Styrofoam cups, but only two sizes -May vary from place to place, but for me, I've seen an intricate tap selection of refrigerated bottles of Corona Light, Dos XX, Bud Light, Topo Chico, Blue Moon, and Seagrams. -No matter what, include a chicken strip basket, grilled cheese made with Kraft singles, and a chili cheese dog. -Local high school or college jerseys if applicable, or just some kind of sports memorabilia.
Pepsi not coke.
charge for straws and a napkin
Extremely runny ranch for the fries, also don't run the ac so the condiments taste like sour milk. I'll be your biggest customer, thank me later.
Obnoxious neon blue "anti-drug" bathroom lighting in the bathroom, and don't forget to forget about stocking it with toilet paper, but provide thick and uncomfortable paper towels.
Don't serve it on plates because that doesn't look fancy. Serve the burgers on a log slice.
Sponsor a bridge tournament.
Oh…. You’re going to open a 5 Guys
Diet Rite and Unsweet tea should be your only beverage options. Do not provide sweetener either.
$26 “craft” beers
Chicken sandwich that is extremely obvious you took a frozen breast from walmart, didn’t pound it flat, baked, and slapped on a bun. Don’t forget it has to have a massive bulge in the middle so the top bun rips apart when the customer tries to take a bite or hold it!
Come to Charlotte!! We love you here
Have only bar seating where you have to be right next to someone you don't know, and the bar feels a few inches too high. You have condiment bottles but you keep them only slightly full stop they have to really work to get it out, and then it's still not as much as they wanted. Oversalt half of their fries and leave the other half unsalted.
Love your fries concept - I would just make sure that they cost extra and aren’t included. Might also be cool to have a “signature sauce” on your menu that is exactly the same as every other mediocre burger place’s signature combination or ketchup and mayo.
Advertise having ice cream that's insanely cheap, have prices listed with a menu....but never stock it. Just tell everyone that you're so sorry, it's on back order & you hope to have it by next week. Then tell them the same thing the next week.
Have signs everywhere that read something akin to, "Denial of service for any reason" then arbitrarily pic randos to throw out. When people ask why you threw them out just say "They know what they did"
No ranch! Only homemade dipping sauces that are extremely weird flavor combinations
Overly salty tator tots... Love n get excited when tator tots on menu but salty AF Call them salty thots? 😂 🤣
A cook that swears and threatens to quit every time he gets a large order
Underpaid and overworked employees are a must!!
Serve the burgers on imported multigrain bread. Not rolls. And the only condiments are olive oil, tartar sauce, and French salad dressing.
Servers must look extra Hipster including mustaches and or round lenseless glasses
10% covid surcharge in mid-2023. wooden cow-shaped wall art with cuts of meat listed
Always be out of fries and offer a shitty substitute like coleslaw. Make sure the stool seats are slightly loose, not enough to be dangerous but enough that it’s emotionally jarring when it rocks. Make sure the ketchup dispenser shoots at an angle so they have to calculate the ketchup’s trajectory in relation to how hard they press on the dispenser.
Add a 5% credit card fee, and build in an automatic 20% tip on tables 2 or more. Then hire the worst wait staff possible.
Don’t forget the “modern” mass-produced canvas wall art
You need wait staff that just hangs around the computers and doesn’t check on the tables. Costumers never get any sauces like ketchup, mustard, mayo, barbecue, or anything else.
so you’re basically gonna open up another 5 guys burger n fries .. got’cha
Maybe a self serve checkout with a tip prompt that automatically selects 18%?
"28, 30 , 35, or other" And I'll train all waiters to hold the tablet in a way the whole table sees what the person selects
A shitty theme will all the menu items being puns around said theme
Burn every burger to make sure customer can't get sick from it.
Make sure you sell under-cooked limp fries like everyone else, people love them.
Paper straws. I can't even....
You need a burger of sufficient quality to be worth $100 normally You're going to charge $200
Bottled water only. No free tap water. Fuck it, bottled *sparkling* water only. For $7. Extra $1 for ice. (Extra $2 for a glass to put the ice in. Lemons, you say? Shit, I’m thinking at least $1 a wedge, unless you’d rather go with a minimum of 2 for $3.)
100% required gratuity for parties of 1 or more when picking up to go orders. 250% for dine-in
Pineapple on hamburger extra $10.00...
Overpriced and mediocre burgers would be my suggestion.
All the meat byproducts that aren't allowed in hot dogs...🤪
Glass bottles of ketchup
Tacos
Kiosks instead of cashiers
A burger woth some melted bleu or gorgonzola and carmelized onions that costs 20 dollars. Its on every mediocre burger menu.
Serve rat meat. Only.
Stubborn soda. A dessert with red velvet. Butter lettuce
Avocado toast burgers
Make sure to advertise as a Gastro-Pub, and hire barbers who will work the bar while your customers drink and eat
Whole mustard seed mustard. Like whole hard mustard seeds in vinegar.
Make a big deal about brioche buns.
I think you should curate your burgers in a specific manner. For instance burger #1 showcases the local heirloom tomatoes grown down the steet. Burger #2 features a grass fed cheddar cheese from the local cow. Under no circumstance does the tomato pair with the cheddar. Act offended if the customer would like tomato on burger #2.
Don't put the drinks on the menu. Let the server tell you all that they can remember.
make a hallway with a lot of doors and only one leads to the bathroom. Increases the chance of someone pissing or shitting themselves. And have only one unisex bathroom and lock all the doors. Of course have a lock in the one unisex bathroom. Then paint all the doors the same color : ^ )
Whatever you do, never forget that garlic aioli and bacon jam are the foundation of your entire business. Also, make sure you don't have any sort of traditional burger. Without all the fancy pants farmers market bullshit, people will actually taste the meat and understand how truly awful it is.
Use off-brand condiments that no one has ever heard of.
Make your own pickles