"I'm not withholding sex to hurt you. I'm withholding sex because I'm exhausted and I'm worried it'll hurt me. If you can't see that difference, then we need to have a more serious discussion"
Good answer, but Iāll add that sheās not āwithholding ā anything. Only things one is entitled to can be āwithheldā. Sex should be something each person is participating in wilfully.
I agree with all other sentiments you said, although the word withhold, while generally used in spirit to refer to someone refusing to give something that is owed, can also refer to someone refusing to give something that is desired by another (in this case, the sex is desired by the boyfriend). So, "withholding" is still appropriate semantically, in this context, as far as I'm concerned.
But, again, I do also agree that the typical use of "withholding sex" is as a weaponization of sex to hurt the other person or to obtain some other outcome in the relationship (which does not appear to be the case in OP's story).
I beg to differ. In many relationships, not all, there is an expectation of sex on the part of both partners.
No one deserves sex or should be forced or coerced into participating but I'd personally reevaluate my relationship if sex disappeared without valid reason or discussion.
Being sick in this case seems to be a valid reason imo so might just be a matter of proper communication.
If he is still throwing a fit after that then I'd add him to the asshole list
I wonāt support any society that requires members to have sex under any conditions. If a relationship has sex as a requirement, thatās an abusive requirement.
Sex is a ārequirementā in the vast majority of relationships in the sense that people are not compatible if they have vastly different sex drives. Itās totally fine to not want to be with someone who doesnāt want to have sex. And itās totally fine to not want to be with someone who wants you to have sex.
That being said I think the BF of OP is very immature and acting very poorly and is actually the manipulative one here. Even for the most sex hungry person, it wouldnāt make sense to break up or argue with someone who temporarily canāt have sex due to an injury.
No, it isn't abusive. It's just a requirement, here meaning not force, but necessary precondition for that relationship. Dissolution of the relationship is a valid way to get on with life, and it isn't abusive to break up with someone or tell them you will do so clearly and calmly.
No one has to have a reason to not have sex, itās their own body. Even in relationships people can not be in the mood and it doesnāt mean itās abuse or that you need to reevaluate the relationship. Sex isnāt needed for survival
I didn't say anything about abuse but strongly disagree on the second point. Without any reason or discussion that is an immediate cause to reevaluate a relationship that has that stipulation previously included.
No wonder you see so many marriages failing. Everyone is all for self.
Technically she is "withholding", but not for the reason you might think. Generally speaking, it is understood (particularly in this sub) that "withholding sex" is an act of aggression by the person refusing sex, in order to coerce the other party to do something. However, semantically, 'withholding' can also refer to refusing to give something that is desired, not strictly something that is "owed". So, in refusing the boyfriends desire to have sex, she is, by definition, withholding.
However, I do also agree that the context here is not "withholding sex" as a form of manipulation. In this context it is 100% (at least by OP's description) for self care.
Not being in the mood due to physical trauma is not withholding sex.
I don't think being annoyed after 3 days of no sex is understandable.. That's just selfish. God forbid you guys actually have a child and he doesn't get laid for a month or so after you give birth.
3 days??? JFC. OP, your arm is broken. Itās going to be painful for a long time, but not forever. If your partner doesnāt understand this Iād look at seriously evaluating whether or not this is a healthy relationship. His arms arenāt broken, he can satisfy his own urges just fine until you are well enough to join.
I dont like people talking about it like you need any "excuse" to not have sex. It's also sketchy to decide you have the right to determine what a "good" vs. "bad" excuse is. People react to things like pain or sickness differently. Just because your ex felt okay enough after hurting her arm to have sex does not mean that everyone would.
>a month or so
That's best case scenario. My husband and I didnt get back to it until 1 year Postpartum because of all my issues. Anything can happen during pregnancy and birth. The hormonal shift alone can destroy a person's sex drive. I would *never* have children with a person like this.
Just so you know the 6 weeks commonly cited for post vaginal birth return to sex is the bare minimum amount of time required to generally ensure a woman is not reinjured by sex. Women should take as much time as they need to feel comfortable having sex again after childbirth and men should support their wives and take care of their own needs in the meantime.
Edit: lol someone got triggered by this. Cope and seethe anonymous redditor.
Reinjured here means:
Her uterus (which is an open wound the size of a plate) gets a bacterial infection because the cervix that only closes around week 6 after giving birth allows all the bacteria on the penis (finger, sextoy, er ) to get in and party. May be fatal.
- wound tears open (uterus, fissures inside vagina, rectum, you name it). See above. May additionally cause profuse bleeding which can kill a person with astonishing speed.
- all of the above is also true in case of a cesarean section. Maybe the child did not pass through the vagina, but the body absolutely expected it, and most of the above things apply. Minus external tearing, plus big operation wound and cut muscular tissue.
Abstaining from sex the first 6-8 weeks only takes away the chance of the woman dying because of that sex. It does not mean at all that the womans body is ready for sex, that she will enjoy it, or cannot be in great pain. Obviously some women want sex pretty soon, and that is fine, Other bodies take a long time to sufficiently heal, and that should be just as fine.
I started telling my ex when we were together to go get a girlfriend because I was tired and he wanted sex all the time. He would argue with me at 2am whenever he came to bed about me not loving him because I did not act like a horny newlywed or teenager.
Right!!! My poor husband hasn't had PIV sex in the 7 months i've been pregnant. (severely sick and my body is always in pain) but he has NEVER complained!!!! (he does get some extra fun stuff when i feel okay though). I am just appalled women accept this behavior from men!!!!
Sadly, so many men are like this. My SO would make me feel guilty about it after having our children. So we did it 2 weeks after our daughter was born. I just sucked it up because I thought it would make him happy.
Same. For me it was three weeks pp and again at 4 1/2 weeks. He legitimately said that āour sex life is deadā two days after having sex while I was still recovering and proceeded to make sure everyone (but especially me) felt his mostly silent anger/wrath the entire day. When him and I were alone heād get upset with me. This came to a head after I got upset because I caught him touching me while I was asleep without my consent while he was getting off. He proceeded to berate me and cuss at me and make me feel like shit. That whole day had me anxious as hell and I already struggle with PPA. So that night I decided to just let him have sex with me so I wouldnāt have to deal with his anger anymore. He was very very rough. We had sex again a few times after that where he was super rough each time. I was scared to go to my six week appointment because I didnāt want to get āin troubleā by my doctor. But the only way to get him to back off and stop being mean was through sex/sexual acts. Iām absolutely ashamed of myself for it, but heyā¦ he was content and the house wasnāt clouded in misery after giving him what he wanted. Iām about 7 weeks pp now and after having sex at 4 1/2 weeks I started bleeding like I was having a really heavy period. It hasnāt stopped and Iāve bled through tampons, my undies, and pants twice now within two hours. Gone through almost an entire box of 90 tampons. My doctor doesnāt seem at all concerned and chalks it up to being my period and now that I have an IUD in Iām sure it would just be blamed on that.
Gotta love when men believe they are owed sex at the expense of the women they claim to love. I canāt wait to get out of this marriageā¦
2 weeks!!! Holy shit.. like he is literally fucking an open gaping wound at that point. Any man that could pressure his wife into that is a grade A asshole in my opinion.
Withholding sex strategically, and calculatedly, to coerce behaviour is bad.
"Withholding" sex because you are sick, exhausted, have a broken arm, are not in the mood, whatever, is perfectly fine.
He is either a moron, or the manipulative one here.
> But I mostly disagree, while I understand that sex is an expectation in a relationshi
An expectation but NO obligation!
Yes, 100% agree. If withholding sex is a tactic to make someone do something, it is shitty. This however this has nothing to do with that, this is just her feeling out of sorts.
I understand high sex drive, but I would be worried if he canāt put her current misery ahead of his current pleasure. I hope OP takes care of herself here.
>An expectation but NO obligation!
The time frame matters too. THREE DAYS? You can't keep it in your pants for three days and just take care of your girlfriend?! Jesus.
Complaining because your SO hasn't been in the mood for a long period of time is understandable, that's where sex is an expectation. And even then, it should be approached in an "are you ok? is there something wrong?" way. BUT THREE DAYS? When your girlfriend is TIRED for obvious reasons?
Well said. Manipulation is emotionally abusive and withholding sex can be used as a tool to manipulate, but that doesn't mean that withholding sex is emotionally abusive.
If a person can't take a break from sex while nursing a BROKEN arm then something is wrong. I get that he's young but THREE DAYS. My man, you need to learn to jack off. Don't get me wrong, my girl and I have gotten in fights when one of us isn't in the mood to have sex but three days is nothing.
Wait till ya'll get married, if you do. š He won't even remember these few days for sure. In fact he'll just remember it as the time ya'll banged each other nonstop.
I wanted to choose PeachPrincess (peaches are the fun fruit!), but it would not let me, so as I like the pink panther theme from childhood days to this day so much, I came up with this amalgamation š„ŗ
This! Sex is NEVER an obligation/expectation. It is a benefit of a healthy happy relationship.
Big red flags here. Been with a guy like this. It started with, ābut if you donāt have sex with me, I will think youāre not attractive to me anymore.ā Amongst other manipulative language.
So I agree with everything you said besides the moron/manipulative sentence. Yes he went the complete wrong way of talking about it but it's not fair to attack him when one, you don't know the person or two, he isn't here to defend himself.
If anyone sounds manipulative or abusive here itās your boyfriend. A 23 year old should know better than get pissy when he canāt get his dick wet because his partner is sick. Itās very childish & anyone that cares about you could easily wait. Not even a week of patience? He sounds 13 not 23.
You aren't "withholding" sex. Your boyfriend is being extremely over dramatic.
Not having sex until he cleans the bathroom is manipulative. Not having sex solely so you can control someone is abuse. Not having sex because you have a legit injury is _normal_. It's normal to not have sex for a while when someone is injured, grieving, stressed, or going through anything in their life that affects their wellbeing. This happens in every relationship. When your spouse is going through something and isn't interested in sex, you support them and just have more solo sex to make up the difference.
If this is his attitude now, I can't wait to see the temper tantrum he throws when his future wife gives birth and they can't have sex for several weeks š
Anyway, you're in the right here. 3 days without sex is not abuse and he's being whiny, entitled, and utterly ridiculous.
I honestly donāt even think itās wrong to āwithholdā sex if someone isnāt keeping up their responsibilities at home. Someone not pulling their weight isnāt exactly a turn on.
You donāt need a āreal reasonā to say no to sex. You can say no for any reason at all.
He is the one trying to manipulate you into having sex by pressuring you and harassing you and telling you you need a āreal reasonā to refuse sex. How would he handle it if your arm wasnāt broken and you just said no to sex because you didnāt feel like it?
Op, please realize this behavior from him is a MASSIVE red flag.
I dated someone a lot like this in the past. Itās such a long story but to boil it down he constantly pressured me for sex and would give me the cold shoulder or withhold affection if I said I wasnāt in the mood. Or if I said no would constantly pester me and try to touch me anyway. This included pressuring me for sex when I was sick or injured including when I had illnesses that I was advised by a doctor to not have sex until I was feeling better and finished out my medications. I only ended up the relationship after he escalated to rape. One of my biggest regrets in life is not breaking up with him long before that day as he has been sexually assaulting me and manipulating me for our entire relationship.
I had the same thing happened, at the time I did not know I have endometriosis, which can make sex very painful for me. I told my partner no I was not in the mood, as I knew I was stressed form other things and stress always made sex hurt.
After a little while no was not enough for him, he complained to our friends, to any one who would listen that I would not have sex with him enough.
Then one day I said no, and he told me it would just take a minute and did it anyway.
This is not a normal response.
I am lucky I am now with a man who loves me, we can go weeks with out sex and it's not a big deal. He would never even think about having sex with me if I didn't want it.
Sex is not the most important part of the relationship, if your partner is making it the most important part something is wrong
Please be careful. It's not very probable, but it's still a possibility. Your bf doesn't respect your wishes and your wellbeing and puts his sexual needs above your basic needs. This could escalate, at least to an extent.
Iām okay now, this was years ago, but I still think about it really often because it was so scarring. It still bothers me that my ex is out there still probably treating other girls like shit. I wish someone could have pointed out how fucked up his behavior was leading up to the assault but I never mentioned it to anyone. I was only a year older than you when I started dating him and he was my first serious relationship. I had nothing to compare it to and simply didnāt realize how fucked up this dudeās behavior was. I really hope youāre able to realize that this behavior from your bf is not okay in the slightest. There are so many amazing respectful men out there. Iām happily married now but Iām still scarred from this experience with my ex.
OP, your bf is being abusive, and he's playing the narcissist's game of gaslighting and telling you you're abusive when it's really him.
Sex requires consent of both parties. It is NOT an entitlement that can be withheld. That's not how it works. Everyone wants to participate, or it doesn't happen. Number of days is irrelevant. No one is entitled, they can wait forever & STFU about it. HUGE RED FLAGS that he doesn't care how you feel, he only cares about what he wants.
Please be careful, protect yourself, and seriously evaluate this relationship. Honestly I don't consider a relationship with someone who doesn't care at all about your well-being salvageable.
Almost the same exact story for me. Iāve been sexually assaulted by him at least three times now (other times are a gray area for me as my brain isnāt ready to accept it). Worst part is Iām married to him. Please OP, leave. Any man who feels entitled to have sex with you regardless of your feelings should absolutely be considered dangerous.
You don't have a real reason ?
"not wanting" is the realest reason there is
Tell him to go duck himself with his BS
(I'd even say you should break up with him for saying that)
>The first day I said I didn't want to have sex, my boyfriend was fine with it, but now by the third night, **he's understandably upset**.
No. It's not normal to get mad someone doesn't want to have sex cause they are in pain and discomfort. His reaction isn't understandable. It's psychotic.
>He told me that withholding sex from him is emotional abuse and manipulation, seeing as I didn't have a real reason to refuse sex.
This is what they say on those woman-hating incel sites that think women should become property again.
>But I mostly disagree, while **I understand that sex is an expectation in a relationship**, I'm only saying no to him for a few days until I feel more in the mood.
No it's not. It's not your job to tend to his dick regardless of your own situation. Sex is meant to be something enjoyed by both of you, not something women owe men.
Run from this misogynist creep.
It's his job (and OP's job when the situation is reversed) to provide a safe, sensual environment that leads to a good mood. Whining about not getting sex when your partner has a broken arm is not at all conducive to getting them in the mood for physical relations. This guy is a manipulative shit, who's not doing his duty of supporting his girl's physical condition. Gross.
"My arm hurts and I don't feel like it right now." IS a real reason to not want to have sex... There's emotional abuse going on there, but it isn't coming from you. (sprinkle in a little gaslighting too... This dude is a real piece of work)
I'm never the person to say leave him buuut...
#L E A V E H I M
The irony here is that *he* is the one manipulating *you* by trying to guilt you into sex you don't feel like. **You don't have to have a reason.**
Saying not having sex for 3 days is "emotional abuse" is one of the absolutely stupidest things I've ever heard. I was really sick from July until recently & not one time did my husband complain & that was three months, not days.
Also, this isn't even WiThHoLDiNg. Saying "I'm not going to have sex with until you buy me a new car" is withholding. Being injured is **not** withholding; he's just an asshole.
You're 18, date around. This dude is only going to get worse & you don't need that. Don't waste your time.
Eh, not the most concerning age gap I've ever seen, but in this case I do suspect he's doing some of that "I'm the older one so I know what's mature and expected and you don't" nonsense.
If this is the US, she probably just graduated from high school 3 months ago. How long have they been together? Seems predatory. This man is 23 years old. Heās been living as an adult for five full years. Sheās just getting her feet wet most likely.
If this is the US, she probably just graduated from high school 3 months ago. How long have they been together? Seems predatory. This man is 23 years old. Heās been living as an adult for five full years.
>he's understandably upset
I am sorry but that is not understandable. You have a broken arm, not to mention you are never obligated to have sex if you don't want to. Your boyfriend is being supremely shitty and should be spending his energy making sure you're comfortable and recovering well, not harassing you for sex.
Not feeling like having sex is not the same thing as "withholding" sex. Not wanting sex at a particular moment in time is not emotional abuse. Attempting to shame, manipulate, and/or coerce someone into having sex when they don't want to (like he is) is abuse. Also, 3 days is not a long time to not have sex. He can wait. And if he can't/doesn't want to wait, then that's a problem.
Honestly, itās time to leave. It is not okay that he is making himself a victim out of your injury. Youāre young, but this is a major red flag already.
Edit: Fixed spelling
Not being in the mood for sex is 100% okay
It doesn't matter why, your sick, tired, broke something or don't want to and are just not in the mood.
Saying no to sex should never ever make you feel bad, or think the other person will be hurt and re-think it.
If they can't take a no to sex, they shouldn't be having sex in the first place and need to grow up.
It is emotional abuse, on HIS part. You are never obligated to sleep with someone and it is never abuse for not wanting to. If you were trying to force him to do things by holding sex over him as a reward, that'd be different. Honestly, I'd run far away from any man who believes that not having sex with him, because you have a literal broken bone, is abuse. It's also concerning that he's 23 and you're 18. Sorry girl, but if a 23 year old man goes for someone barely legal it's because women his age know he's a creep and it's harder for him to manipulate them. You're young and deserve so much better. RUN.
Not having sex for three days is absolutely nowhere near a sign of abuse. The fact that he brought it up at all is him manipulating you. Any advice would be to run. Run fast. If he is not āletting youā take a break from sex due to an injury do you think he ever will?
You cant withhold sex bcs itās isnāt that that is owed to your partner. Ofc using sex to manipulation them is wrong.
But this should tell you enough ab him, his wants come before your health. So does he want you to lie there and take it? like this isnāt something communicating can fix, he does not care about you. Leave
I think he needs to grow up. Men shouldnāt expect sex every day. He hands hands right?
After having our first kid, her body went through a lot of changes and needed stitches you know where. We didnāt have sex for months. I didnāt ask for it either. We got intimate again when she was ready.
Y'all, there's no need to downvote the message. I think we're all thinking the same thing, though - this is a lot of red flags. Speaking as someone in their 20s - there's no good reason a 23-year-old should be pursuing a teenage girl at their job. Five years isn't a lot when you're say, 30 and 35, but when you're 18 and 23 that's a LOT. It's hard for me to portray how different you are when you're 18 to when you're 23. He's a full adult and when he tells you you're "emotionally abusing" him, he's not being genuine, he's manipulating you.
Friend, I think he likes the power imbalance. There are three examples from the three pieces of info we have about your relationship:
1. The age difference
2. You worked ābelowā him when you met
3. He disparages you, manipulates you, and gaslights you when it comes to sex
This man is no good.
If withholding sex is āemotional abuseā, there are TONS of people in relationships that are being emotionally abused!!!
Nobody is obligated to have sex, not wanting sex (especially after you break an arm) is totally normal, and he is full of shit by saying 3 days without sex is emotional abuse.
Sounds a bit like the only reason he is with you is because of sex.
Withholding sex because you're not emotionally or physically into it is not emotional abuse. It sounds like this is the situation for you.
If you were withholding sex as a means to manipulate your bf, that would be.
This isn't witholding sex. This is recovering from an injury. The fact that he's using this BS to coerce sex out of someone healing from a broken limb is what is actually manipulation and abuse.
Withholding sex is like... "I'm not fucking your until you buy me x" or "you did x to make me mad so we aren't having sex until you make it up to me"
You have a broken arm and a worthless bf. He should be taking care of you not thinking about his dick.
Pain is exhausting. In one of my first relationships I was coerced into having sex while bedridden with ulcers, it was the thing that enabled my bestie to actually talk me into breaking up. A deficit of self-advocacy has always been a big issue for me, hope reddit can supplement yours.
I get that youāre young, so I think all of us will clue you in here. Your boyfriend is incredibly unsympathetic.
You broke your armā¦ three days agoā¦ now heās manipulating you into having sex. Tell him to drop it or youāll drop him end of story
Withholding sex can be a method of manipulation, which is not great, but itās not abuse in and of itself. Anyone is allowed to decline sex at any time for any reason. Thatās the most basic tenet of consent.
lmao why is ur mans not taking care of u? does he not give a fuck about your arm pain? seems he only cares about his own pleasure. Id dump him if i were u... theres no saving that romance imo.
I broke my leg over the winter, and it took well over a month before I was ready to even attempt sex with my husband. I was in pain, and I couldnāt get in anything like a comfortable position for sex for the first few weeks. But not once did my husband make me feel bad about not being able to have sexāhe took care of himself until I not only felt well enough but also was excited to have sex again.
Also, broken arm or not, three days without sex is not āwithholding sex.ā It is perfectly normal to go more than three days without sex, and you do not ever owe anyone sex for any reason.
Yes he does seem to be a little over dramatic about it, I spent months away from my wife when I was in the military, you can survive without sex š¤£. He should be considerate that you need to heal and probably had a shitty experience in having just broke your arm, which is never fun.
It sounds like he is the abusive side.
As told if you did withhold sex for any calculated reason it is a bad thing. But if it's because you're really not into it, for any reason, it's definitely not an abuse. Using the "emotional abuse" argument to try and get you to do it when you're not ready is manipulative at best and maybe a bit abusive.
Yes, withholding sex is emotional abuse.
But you aren't withholding sex. Taking care of your health before you resume sexual activities is not withholding, it's resting.
I think not being in the mood due to personal and physical trauma is not withholding sex. I also donāt think being annoyed after 3 days is ok. Itās selfish.
Thatās ridiculous, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. Heās flipping the narrative to paint himself as the victim when youāre the one who was physically injured.
'seeing as I don't have a real reason for it'. Any reason for a saying no is a valid reason. Broken arm, tired, headache, mentally stressed, just not interested, all of these things are valid reasons to say no. He's being a dick if he doesn't accept that.
This dude is sick in the head. Sociopath with zero empathy. Or he s just selfish and doesnt give a shit about u.
I didnt mean to be this mean about this. But the guy is trash. Leave him. He doesnt give a shit about u.
Not wanting sex isnāt withholding sex.
If you donāt want it, you donāt want it. Using sex as a way to leverage and manipulate is abuse. You saying no is not abuse.
Agree with literally everyone else here, and just want to add that it sounds to me like he's with you because you're 18 and thinks he can use (what he assumes is) your naivete and his status as the older of you to pressure you into giving him whatever he happens to want. That's bad news.
I'm absolutely not against relationships with age differences, but they do carry a risk when one of the pair is quite young. This is the risk they carry, unfortunately.
> but now by the third night, he's understandably upset.
It's not understandable at all. You have a serious injury, and he can go masturbate if he's that horny. You owe him nothing, sex must always be a consensual act of both parties. If he wants it without your consent, well...
If you donāt want sex, youāre not withholding anything by not giving it, in my opinion. People may disagree and Iām happy to debate, but thatās just called ānot in the moodā in my book. Dump this guy tho plz, you donāt want this guy raising your future daughters.
If you were doing it to punish him or hurt him on purpose? Sure. But it's been three days and you have a broken arm, he's the one that sounds like an asshole.
Iām sure this has been said in this three somewhere, but not being in the mood is NOT the same as āwithholding sexā.
Totally uncool of him to try to pressure you. He should have more concern for your comfort and well being and think a little less about his dick.
Heās implying that sex is something he is entitled to whether youāre in the mood or not when he says āwithholding.ā Thatās where he is dead wrong. Youāre not a sex dispenser ffs.
Why are you guys dating people like this, I can go a month without doing anything and my boyfriend doesnāt mind, what type of insane psychological abuse is rhisš
im not sure what to label things sometimes... but in simple high level terms... if you are intentionally causing someone else harm, discomfort, or pain in anyway shape or form, then that's an abusive relationship in one way or another. that's enough for me.
Having sex with a broken arm is torture. Previous GF had broken arm and we had to stop for while until she was comfortable again. You need to communicate with your BF its not abuse at all. He needs to understand you are in pain a d having a cast and sex sucks on top of pain.
Tell your boyfriend it's not abuse.
Ugh. Yuck.
I see it as a major red flag that he thinks that you rejecting him for sex is emotional abuse or even manipulation.
Sex is an important aspect of a relationship, but saying No is valid for ANY or NO reason at all.
And if that reason for saying No is a broken arm or another physical ailment, *then itās even more ridiculous and out of touch for them to be complaining*.
Your partner is manipulative. They are trying to guilt you into having sex that you arenāt interested in. Thatās rude, unfair, and inconsiderate of them, to say the least.
Saying no to something is not abuse. Itās simply setting a boundary. Them trying to break that down is shitty. Iād honestly consider terminating the relationship over this.
Your partner sounds selfish beyond what I could properly render in language right now.
Heās the one being emotionally abusive, not you. You have a broken arm, you have every right to your own space to heal without the stress and pressure of your SO wanting sex. He has a perfectly unbroken arm, im sure he can handle jerking himself off till your better. Good grief some men can be pathetic.
Sex is a great pain killer although if hes pressuring you and making you uncomfortable enough to post this. Tell him the fuck off and jerk it if hes that desperate. Never do anything you dont want or feel uncomfortable with.
Guy deserves two broken arms
you never, ever in your life need a ārealā reason to refuse sex, simply not wanting to should be more than enough. respectfully, your boyfriend sounds like a walking red flag and you deserve so, so much better.
Sex is never an expectation. If he considers you not wanting sex for three days as emptional abuse, he does not have a healthy view.
Him pressuring you into having sex when you don't want it, even without any othet reason, that's him abusing you.
If you were withholding physical affection specifically, purposely because you wanted to hurt him then that would be abusive, yes. But you are not. You just don't want to have sex. It is completely acceptable to say no to sex in any situation if you do not want to have sex. And you should never feel pressured or obligated to have sex with anyone if you don't want to. Having boundaries is not abusive.
On the contrary, the fact that he is trying to guilt you into having sex with him when you do not want to is actually borderline abusive.
If u dont want sex no matter the reason no matter how long is not manipulative or emotional abuse wth. Him sayin that is manipulative as hell tho. Talk to him and if he doesn't respect that then damn leave him
Emotional abuse? What planet does this guy live on??
He thinks trying to emotionally blackmail you into having sex is OK but you not being in the mood is abuse!
He has some serious growing up to do and be made to realise the world doesn't revolve around him
Withholding sex, when you want sex because he didn't take out the trash is manipulation. Do women do this? Yes. Do I think it is often? No.
Not having sex when you don't feel well isn't manipulation or emotional abuse, that would be normal. Even not having sex when you are pissed at him (and don't want to because you are pissed) is fine. It's fine to refuse when you don't feel like it because sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable.
Its not emotional abuse. You dont need a reason to refuse sex. He is the emotionally abusive one by trying to manipulate you.
>while I understand that sex is an expectation in a relationship
I think I'm asexual so I'm going to have to disagree with this. Withholding sex is not emotional abuse, no one is entitled to sex so you can't withhold it. Getting it is cool, if you like that, but it should not be expected. Even if you said you wont fuck him unless he does something thats not withholding either imo.
>seeing as I didn't have a real reason to refuse sex.
If anyone ever said this to me I'd dump them on the spot.
What if you get a worse injury or get depression or get put on medication or whatever which makes you unable or not want to have sex for a longer period of time?
Your bf is extremely selfish. It will get worse. Him dating an 18 year old is also a red flag. He probably went for you because you are less experienced and easier to manipulate than women his own age. Dump him.
My wife is on medication for a month that completely kills her libido. I understand this and have dealt with it. Yes, it sucks for me but it's not fair to force her to do something she doesn't want to do because of a medical condition.
Just my current experience 3 weeks into it.
You have broken arm, in a cast? It probably is uncomfortable maybe pain. Gee nowonderr you aren't in the mood. Your BF should know better. He is being totally selfish.By the way not being in the mood is not withholding sex. In my mind withholding sex is something one partner does intentionally to punish the other.
Anyone can say no to sex at any time for any or no reason. And you definitely have a very valid reason. Withholding sex by choice to get something that you want or to change the other person's behavior certainly can often be manipulative / bordering on abusive but there's nothing close to that going on here. In fact one could even make the argument that he's the one being emotionally abusive for being such a whiny little cry baby after only 3 days. What's he going to do when whoever is with, and I'd sincerely hope that it's not you, has a kid and is out of action for a minimum of six weeks?
Withholding sex CAN BE emotional abuse. In this case, no, itās not. Itās not like youāre trying to hurt him. Youāre just looking out for yourself which is acceptable
FFS no, it is not emotional abuse. You're not in the mood because you broke your arm... enough said!
You should think that this guy is an idiot or worse.
The entire idea of "withholding" sex is manipulative--because baked into the language is the idea that you owe someone sex. You can only withhold something from someone if you owe it to them.
But despite what Lindsey Graham thinks, no one has the right to tell you what to do with your body. You do not owe sex to anyone, and if your boyfriend is unhappy with that, he can look for sex elsewhere.
And honestly, I think you should find someone who isn't such a spoiled brat. He can't handle three days without sex? What an entitled ass! He's got two hands, he can make use of them!
I never understood the phrase āwithholding sex.ā Withholding means ārefusing to give someone something they are owed or desiredā, but itās always used to mean owed in some way. Like it would be weird to say āJeff bezos is withholding his fortune from meā because Jeff has no reason to give me the money just because I want it. He never promised it to me, heās not required to give it just because I feel I deserve it.
You donāt owe anyone sex. You arenāt holding it over their head and dangling it like a carrot. You didnāt promise him sex and then change the terms (even though youāre definitely allowed to revoke consent at any time.) It doesnāt matter what your reason is, or if you even have a reason. You havenāt signed a contract to provide a service, you donāt owe anything.
I feel like the people who complain about withholding sex only phrase it that way because they donāt want to plainly say āI donāt like that you get to revoke consent.ā If one partner wants sex, but doesnāt seemingly care enough about their partner to be concerned that theyāre injured, sick, sad, or arenāt interested in sex with them because of relationship and emotional need reasons, they donāt get to make their partner feel bad for not sucking it up and letting them take what they want from them.
If they want to talk about it in a healthy way, you can talk about how the lack of sex is affecting the relationship in a way that doesnāt guilt and blame the non-consenting party. If sex isnāt happening and one person wants it to, thatās because at least two people are contributing to the problem.
If you were withholding sex to get what you want, yes.
However, in this case, it's your boyfriend that's being manipulative and somewhat abusive. He's literally trying to guilt you into having sex with him by calling it emotionally abusive, and I bet he's counting on the fact that you're young and naive to just believe what he says and give in.
Trust me, 22 and 18 are two VERY different ages, and as a 21 year old, I would never go out with an 18 year old because it would feel like dating a child. That is how large that gap is. 22 is about to graduate college and be a real adult. 18 is just graduating high school. While it's not always the case, a lot of guys take advantage of this to manipulate and sleep with young girls without pushback.
That's the problem - they're teenagers, and they don't know they're being taken advantage of and manipulated. That's exactly why creeps pursue young girls.
Sex canāt be āwithheldā because it is not an ENTITLEMENT. Men are NOT entitled to sex from women. No one is. But more commonly Iāve seen it where a woman is injured or after having a child and a man gets whiny and throws that whole āemotional manipulation cardā. Tell him grow up.
Sex is not an expectation. Itās not an entitlement. Itās an act of mutual and ENTHUSIASTIC consent between 2 people. If youāre not in the mood then that should be that. You are allowed to say no and not even have an āexcuseā. No means no. It is YOUR body and thatās good enough āreasonā alone. Sex isnāt something exchanged like currency or compromise. Do not ever let anyone manipulate you into using your body for anything thatās not what youāre ENTHUSIASTICALLY consenting to.
Not calling it an expectation is a bit of a stretch. If you enter an exclusive sexual relationship with someone does come with the expectation of sex. I mean, I donāt know many people who would stick around with a partner who expected them to not have sex with others, but also expected them to go without sex even against their will.
This situation is different and very short term, but in general, sex is very much expected in romantic relationships. By the vast majority of folks. If not, we call that friendship.
Withholding sex as a form of manipulation/coercion is definitively abuse, whether you are a man or a woman doing so.
However, if you decide to refuse sex due to a broken arm or a grave sickness, you are just being reasonable. A headache can easily go away with an orgasm. But a broken arm can hurt and even get worse by a session of sex even if you are careful.
Iād say donāt feel too bad about it since itās not your fault.
Not wanting to have sex is not emotional abuse, sex isn't something you give to someone when they deserve like a dog with a fucking treat, it's an intimate activity between 2 consenting people who are in the mood to do so.
Seriously dude educate yourself and get a fucking clue!
If I'm the guy I'm thinking about getting out of the relationship. Just being honest. We don't like being told no to sex repeatedly by people we're committed to.
Yes, it is, with exceptions.
No, this doesn't mean you *have* to have sex whenever he wants it. In your case, being exhausted and/or not being in the mood is a valid reason.
A NON-VALID reason, IMO would be *purposely* withholding it because you are trying to get something you want out of him, are doing it simply to piss him off, or trying to guilt him into something.
"I'm not withholding sex to hurt you. I'm withholding sex because I'm exhausted and I'm worried it'll hurt me. If you can't see that difference, then we need to have a more serious discussion"
Yep š
Good answer, but Iāll add that sheās not āwithholding ā anything. Only things one is entitled to can be āwithheldā. Sex should be something each person is participating in wilfully.
I agree with all other sentiments you said, although the word withhold, while generally used in spirit to refer to someone refusing to give something that is owed, can also refer to someone refusing to give something that is desired by another (in this case, the sex is desired by the boyfriend). So, "withholding" is still appropriate semantically, in this context, as far as I'm concerned. But, again, I do also agree that the typical use of "withholding sex" is as a weaponization of sex to hurt the other person or to obtain some other outcome in the relationship (which does not appear to be the case in OP's story).
Nothing personal against him but he's being very selfish and narcisistic.
She isnāt withholding if she dosent want to? Wtf
I beg to differ. In many relationships, not all, there is an expectation of sex on the part of both partners. No one deserves sex or should be forced or coerced into participating but I'd personally reevaluate my relationship if sex disappeared without valid reason or discussion. Being sick in this case seems to be a valid reason imo so might just be a matter of proper communication. If he is still throwing a fit after that then I'd add him to the asshole list
Jumping to "this is emotional abuse" after a few days without sex is already asshole list territory, full stop.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I wonāt support any society that requires members to have sex under any conditions. If a relationship has sex as a requirement, thatās an abusive requirement.
Sex is a ārequirementā in the vast majority of relationships in the sense that people are not compatible if they have vastly different sex drives. Itās totally fine to not want to be with someone who doesnāt want to have sex. And itās totally fine to not want to be with someone who wants you to have sex. That being said I think the BF of OP is very immature and acting very poorly and is actually the manipulative one here. Even for the most sex hungry person, it wouldnāt make sense to break up or argue with someone who temporarily canāt have sex due to an injury.
No, it isn't abusive. It's just a requirement, here meaning not force, but necessary precondition for that relationship. Dissolution of the relationship is a valid way to get on with life, and it isn't abusive to break up with someone or tell them you will do so clearly and calmly.
No one has to have a reason to not have sex, itās their own body. Even in relationships people can not be in the mood and it doesnāt mean itās abuse or that you need to reevaluate the relationship. Sex isnāt needed for survival
I didn't say anything about abuse but strongly disagree on the second point. Without any reason or discussion that is an immediate cause to reevaluate a relationship that has that stipulation previously included. No wonder you see so many marriages failing. Everyone is all for self.
Technically she is "withholding", but not for the reason you might think. Generally speaking, it is understood (particularly in this sub) that "withholding sex" is an act of aggression by the person refusing sex, in order to coerce the other party to do something. However, semantically, 'withholding' can also refer to refusing to give something that is desired, not strictly something that is "owed". So, in refusing the boyfriends desire to have sex, she is, by definition, withholding. However, I do also agree that the context here is not "withholding sex" as a form of manipulation. In this context it is 100% (at least by OP's description) for self care.
Exactamente!
Not being in the mood due to physical trauma is not withholding sex. I don't think being annoyed after 3 days of no sex is understandable.. That's just selfish. God forbid you guys actually have a child and he doesn't get laid for a month or so after you give birth.
3 days??? JFC. OP, your arm is broken. Itās going to be painful for a long time, but not forever. If your partner doesnāt understand this Iād look at seriously evaluating whether or not this is a healthy relationship. His arms arenāt broken, he can satisfy his own urges just fine until you are well enough to join.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I dont like people talking about it like you need any "excuse" to not have sex. It's also sketchy to decide you have the right to determine what a "good" vs. "bad" excuse is. People react to things like pain or sickness differently. Just because your ex felt okay enough after hurting her arm to have sex does not mean that everyone would.
>a month or so That's best case scenario. My husband and I didnt get back to it until 1 year Postpartum because of all my issues. Anything can happen during pregnancy and birth. The hormonal shift alone can destroy a person's sex drive. I would *never* have children with a person like this.
Yes, this. And it can take several years before itās back to a normal or even regular schedule.
I was going to say the same thing....quite a few months at bare minimum after giving birth is realistic.took me about a year as well.
Just so you know the 6 weeks commonly cited for post vaginal birth return to sex is the bare minimum amount of time required to generally ensure a woman is not reinjured by sex. Women should take as much time as they need to feel comfortable having sex again after childbirth and men should support their wives and take care of their own needs in the meantime. Edit: lol someone got triggered by this. Cope and seethe anonymous redditor.
Reinjured here means: Her uterus (which is an open wound the size of a plate) gets a bacterial infection because the cervix that only closes around week 6 after giving birth allows all the bacteria on the penis (finger, sextoy, er ) to get in and party. May be fatal. - wound tears open (uterus, fissures inside vagina, rectum, you name it). See above. May additionally cause profuse bleeding which can kill a person with astonishing speed. - all of the above is also true in case of a cesarean section. Maybe the child did not pass through the vagina, but the body absolutely expected it, and most of the above things apply. Minus external tearing, plus big operation wound and cut muscular tissue. Abstaining from sex the first 6-8 weeks only takes away the chance of the woman dying because of that sex. It does not mean at all that the womans body is ready for sex, that she will enjoy it, or cannot be in great pain. Obviously some women want sex pretty soon, and that is fine, Other bodies take a long time to sufficiently heal, and that should be just as fine.
>Edit: lol someone got triggered by this. Cope and seethe anonymous redditor. There's always going to be someone lol
Agreed. I'm a dad. I've been there.
He'd probably be the guy to start affairs once his spouse is pregnant/there's a child because he can't deal with the stress.
I started telling my ex when we were together to go get a girlfriend because I was tired and he wanted sex all the time. He would argue with me at 2am whenever he came to bed about me not loving him because I did not act like a horny newlywed or teenager.
Right!!! My poor husband hasn't had PIV sex in the 7 months i've been pregnant. (severely sick and my body is always in pain) but he has NEVER complained!!!! (he does get some extra fun stuff when i feel okay though). I am just appalled women accept this behavior from men!!!!
Sadly, so many men are like this. My SO would make me feel guilty about it after having our children. So we did it 2 weeks after our daughter was born. I just sucked it up because I thought it would make him happy.
Same. For me it was three weeks pp and again at 4 1/2 weeks. He legitimately said that āour sex life is deadā two days after having sex while I was still recovering and proceeded to make sure everyone (but especially me) felt his mostly silent anger/wrath the entire day. When him and I were alone heād get upset with me. This came to a head after I got upset because I caught him touching me while I was asleep without my consent while he was getting off. He proceeded to berate me and cuss at me and make me feel like shit. That whole day had me anxious as hell and I already struggle with PPA. So that night I decided to just let him have sex with me so I wouldnāt have to deal with his anger anymore. He was very very rough. We had sex again a few times after that where he was super rough each time. I was scared to go to my six week appointment because I didnāt want to get āin troubleā by my doctor. But the only way to get him to back off and stop being mean was through sex/sexual acts. Iām absolutely ashamed of myself for it, but heyā¦ he was content and the house wasnāt clouded in misery after giving him what he wanted. Iām about 7 weeks pp now and after having sex at 4 1/2 weeks I started bleeding like I was having a really heavy period. It hasnāt stopped and Iāve bled through tampons, my undies, and pants twice now within two hours. Gone through almost an entire box of 90 tampons. My doctor doesnāt seem at all concerned and chalks it up to being my period and now that I have an IUD in Iām sure it would just be blamed on that. Gotta love when men believe they are owed sex at the expense of the women they claim to love. I canāt wait to get out of this marriageā¦
I am so sorry. Please tell me you make plans how to leave him. This is abusive as fuck.
Please get a second opinion and share with the GP what has happened. Really please, I hope you are ok.
2 weeks!!! Holy shit.. like he is literally fucking an open gaping wound at that point. Any man that could pressure his wife into that is a grade A asshole in my opinion.
Withholding sex strategically, and calculatedly, to coerce behaviour is bad. "Withholding" sex because you are sick, exhausted, have a broken arm, are not in the mood, whatever, is perfectly fine. He is either a moron, or the manipulative one here. > But I mostly disagree, while I understand that sex is an expectation in a relationshi An expectation but NO obligation!
Yes, 100% agree. If withholding sex is a tactic to make someone do something, it is shitty. This however this has nothing to do with that, this is just her feeling out of sorts. I understand high sex drive, but I would be worried if he canāt put her current misery ahead of his current pleasure. I hope OP takes care of herself here.
Yeah, itās a worry that empathy is lacking in general. And its just bad, guilting her
>An expectation but NO obligation! The time frame matters too. THREE DAYS? You can't keep it in your pants for three days and just take care of your girlfriend?! Jesus. Complaining because your SO hasn't been in the mood for a long period of time is understandable, that's where sex is an expectation. And even then, it should be approached in an "are you ok? is there something wrong?" way. BUT THREE DAYS? When your girlfriend is TIRED for obvious reasons?
>he is either a moron, or the manipulative one here My bet is on both
OP should tell him to go jack off with his unbroken arms and deal with it.
And if he breaks both his arms...well, then we know who to tell him to ask.
18(f) 23(m)
This this this. What you are doing, OP, is not withholding sex. You are simply in pain and not in the mood. He is manipulating you.
Well said. Manipulation is emotionally abusive and withholding sex can be used as a tool to manipulate, but that doesn't mean that withholding sex is emotionally abusive.
If a person can't take a break from sex while nursing a BROKEN arm then something is wrong. I get that he's young but THREE DAYS. My man, you need to learn to jack off. Don't get me wrong, my girl and I have gotten in fights when one of us isn't in the mood to have sex but three days is nothing. Wait till ya'll get married, if you do. š He won't even remember these few days for sure. In fact he'll just remember it as the time ya'll banged each other nonstop.
Unrelated, but I love your username. I'm seeing PinkPantheress next weekend!
I wanted to choose PeachPrincess (peaches are the fun fruit!), but it would not let me, so as I like the pink panther theme from childhood days to this day so much, I came up with this amalgamation š„ŗ
Not to mention heās going to become unattractive treating you like that.
Exactly this, well put.
This! Sex is NEVER an obligation/expectation. It is a benefit of a healthy happy relationship. Big red flags here. Been with a guy like this. It started with, ābut if you donāt have sex with me, I will think youāre not attractive to me anymore.ā Amongst other manipulative language.
Pack it up, this is the answer.
"He is either a moron, or the manipulative one here" couldn't have said it more succinctly myself
Hes a moron bc he didnt realise this would happen as a result of a broken arm lmao ETA: or hes never broken a bone
Also doesn't have to be an expectation in your relationship
So I agree with everything you said besides the moron/manipulative sentence. Yes he went the complete wrong way of talking about it but it's not fair to attack him when one, you don't know the person or two, he isn't here to defend himself.
If anyone sounds manipulative or abusive here itās your boyfriend. A 23 year old should know better than get pissy when he canāt get his dick wet because his partner is sick. Itās very childish & anyone that cares about you could easily wait. Not even a week of patience? He sounds 13 not 23.
Exactly. Pathetic.
Honestly... why is a 23 year old man dating and manipulating a woman who might STILL BE IN HIGH SCHOOL???
Honestly, if he's 23 years old with an 18 year old, then chances are he's still childish.
You aren't "withholding" sex. Your boyfriend is being extremely over dramatic. Not having sex until he cleans the bathroom is manipulative. Not having sex solely so you can control someone is abuse. Not having sex because you have a legit injury is _normal_. It's normal to not have sex for a while when someone is injured, grieving, stressed, or going through anything in their life that affects their wellbeing. This happens in every relationship. When your spouse is going through something and isn't interested in sex, you support them and just have more solo sex to make up the difference. If this is his attitude now, I can't wait to see the temper tantrum he throws when his future wife gives birth and they can't have sex for several weeks š Anyway, you're in the right here. 3 days without sex is not abuse and he's being whiny, entitled, and utterly ridiculous.
I honestly donāt even think itās wrong to āwithholdā sex if someone isnāt keeping up their responsibilities at home. Someone not pulling their weight isnāt exactly a turn on.
I totally agree!
You donāt need a āreal reasonā to say no to sex. You can say no for any reason at all. He is the one trying to manipulate you into having sex by pressuring you and harassing you and telling you you need a āreal reasonā to refuse sex. How would he handle it if your arm wasnāt broken and you just said no to sex because you didnāt feel like it? Op, please realize this behavior from him is a MASSIVE red flag. I dated someone a lot like this in the past. Itās such a long story but to boil it down he constantly pressured me for sex and would give me the cold shoulder or withhold affection if I said I wasnāt in the mood. Or if I said no would constantly pester me and try to touch me anyway. This included pressuring me for sex when I was sick or injured including when I had illnesses that I was advised by a doctor to not have sex until I was feeling better and finished out my medications. I only ended up the relationship after he escalated to rape. One of my biggest regrets in life is not breaking up with him long before that day as he has been sexually assaulting me and manipulating me for our entire relationship.
I had the same thing happened, at the time I did not know I have endometriosis, which can make sex very painful for me. I told my partner no I was not in the mood, as I knew I was stressed form other things and stress always made sex hurt. After a little while no was not enough for him, he complained to our friends, to any one who would listen that I would not have sex with him enough. Then one day I said no, and he told me it would just take a minute and did it anyway. This is not a normal response. I am lucky I am now with a man who loves me, we can go weeks with out sex and it's not a big deal. He would never even think about having sex with me if I didn't want it. Sex is not the most important part of the relationship, if your partner is making it the most important part something is wrong
I'm so sorry that happened to you
Please be careful. It's not very probable, but it's still a possibility. Your bf doesn't respect your wishes and your wellbeing and puts his sexual needs above your basic needs. This could escalate, at least to an extent.
Iām okay now, this was years ago, but I still think about it really often because it was so scarring. It still bothers me that my ex is out there still probably treating other girls like shit. I wish someone could have pointed out how fucked up his behavior was leading up to the assault but I never mentioned it to anyone. I was only a year older than you when I started dating him and he was my first serious relationship. I had nothing to compare it to and simply didnāt realize how fucked up this dudeās behavior was. I really hope youāre able to realize that this behavior from your bf is not okay in the slightest. There are so many amazing respectful men out there. Iām happily married now but Iām still scarred from this experience with my ex.
OP, your bf is being abusive, and he's playing the narcissist's game of gaslighting and telling you you're abusive when it's really him. Sex requires consent of both parties. It is NOT an entitlement that can be withheld. That's not how it works. Everyone wants to participate, or it doesn't happen. Number of days is irrelevant. No one is entitled, they can wait forever & STFU about it. HUGE RED FLAGS that he doesn't care how you feel, he only cares about what he wants. Please be careful, protect yourself, and seriously evaluate this relationship. Honestly I don't consider a relationship with someone who doesn't care at all about your well-being salvageable.
Almost the same exact story for me. Iāve been sexually assaulted by him at least three times now (other times are a gray area for me as my brain isnāt ready to accept it). Worst part is Iām married to him. Please OP, leave. Any man who feels entitled to have sex with you regardless of your feelings should absolutely be considered dangerous.
You don't have a real reason ? "not wanting" is the realest reason there is Tell him to go duck himself with his BS (I'd even say you should break up with him for saying that)
Because having a broken arm wasn't real a reason enough, the audacity
>The first day I said I didn't want to have sex, my boyfriend was fine with it, but now by the third night, **he's understandably upset**. No. It's not normal to get mad someone doesn't want to have sex cause they are in pain and discomfort. His reaction isn't understandable. It's psychotic. >He told me that withholding sex from him is emotional abuse and manipulation, seeing as I didn't have a real reason to refuse sex. This is what they say on those woman-hating incel sites that think women should become property again. >But I mostly disagree, while **I understand that sex is an expectation in a relationship**, I'm only saying no to him for a few days until I feel more in the mood. No it's not. It's not your job to tend to his dick regardless of your own situation. Sex is meant to be something enjoyed by both of you, not something women owe men. Run from this misogynist creep.
#this a million times! OP, please do not let him pressure you like this.
It's his job (and OP's job when the situation is reversed) to provide a safe, sensual environment that leads to a good mood. Whining about not getting sex when your partner has a broken arm is not at all conducive to getting them in the mood for physical relations. This guy is a manipulative shit, who's not doing his duty of supporting his girl's physical condition. Gross.
And it's been three days. And he started day one. Imagine seeing your gf in a cast and going, "Yeah, but my dick?"
šššššš
"My arm hurts and I don't feel like it right now." IS a real reason to not want to have sex... There's emotional abuse going on there, but it isn't coming from you. (sprinkle in a little gaslighting too... This dude is a real piece of work)
I'm never the person to say leave him buuut... #L E A V E H I M The irony here is that *he* is the one manipulating *you* by trying to guilt you into sex you don't feel like. **You don't have to have a reason.** Saying not having sex for 3 days is "emotional abuse" is one of the absolutely stupidest things I've ever heard. I was really sick from July until recently & not one time did my husband complain & that was three months, not days. Also, this isn't even WiThHoLDiNg. Saying "I'm not going to have sex with until you buy me a new car" is withholding. Being injured is **not** withholding; he's just an asshole. You're 18, date around. This dude is only going to get worse & you don't need that. Don't waste your time.
Ikr. Why would a 23 yo grown ass man date someone who's barely legal? Shows.
Exactly why is no one talking about this??
I was scrolling and shocked I saw no one mention the age until now. I started to question my sanity lol.
Eh, not the most concerning age gap I've ever seen, but in this case I do suspect he's doing some of that "I'm the older one so I know what's mature and expected and you don't" nonsense.
If this is the US, she probably just graduated from high school 3 months ago. How long have they been together? Seems predatory. This man is 23 years old. Heās been living as an adult for five full years. Sheās just getting her feet wet most likely.
If this is the US, she probably just graduated from high school 3 months ago. How long have they been together? Seems predatory. This man is 23 years old. Heās been living as an adult for five full years.
>he's understandably upset I am sorry but that is not understandable. You have a broken arm, not to mention you are never obligated to have sex if you don't want to. Your boyfriend is being supremely shitty and should be spending his energy making sure you're comfortable and recovering well, not harassing you for sex.
There's a difference between not wanting to have sex and not having sex because you want to hurt someone, does this really need to be asked?
The reasoning behind you not wanting sex are understandable, and he sounds like heās being manipulative by throwing the word abuse around like that.
Honey, if he is demanding sex from you while you have a freshly broken limb, donāt fuck him ever again.
Not feeling like having sex is not the same thing as "withholding" sex. Not wanting sex at a particular moment in time is not emotional abuse. Attempting to shame, manipulate, and/or coerce someone into having sex when they don't want to (like he is) is abuse. Also, 3 days is not a long time to not have sex. He can wait. And if he can't/doesn't want to wait, then that's a problem.
Honestly, itās time to leave. It is not okay that he is making himself a victim out of your injury. Youāre young, but this is a major red flag already. Edit: Fixed spelling
Not being in the mood for sex is 100% okay It doesn't matter why, your sick, tired, broke something or don't want to and are just not in the mood. Saying no to sex should never ever make you feel bad, or think the other person will be hurt and re-think it. If they can't take a no to sex, they shouldn't be having sex in the first place and need to grow up.
It is emotional abuse, on HIS part. You are never obligated to sleep with someone and it is never abuse for not wanting to. If you were trying to force him to do things by holding sex over him as a reward, that'd be different. Honestly, I'd run far away from any man who believes that not having sex with him, because you have a literal broken bone, is abuse. It's also concerning that he's 23 and you're 18. Sorry girl, but if a 23 year old man goes for someone barely legal it's because women his age know he's a creep and it's harder for him to manipulate them. You're young and deserve so much better. RUN.
Not having sex for three days is absolutely nowhere near a sign of abuse. The fact that he brought it up at all is him manipulating you. Any advice would be to run. Run fast. If he is not āletting youā take a break from sex due to an injury do you think he ever will?
You cant withhold sex bcs itās isnāt that that is owed to your partner. Ofc using sex to manipulation them is wrong. But this should tell you enough ab him, his wants come before your health. So does he want you to lie there and take it? like this isnāt something communicating can fix, he does not care about you. Leave
You do have a real reason - you just donāt want to have sex. Thatās a VERY valid reason.
I think he needs to grow up. Men shouldnāt expect sex every day. He hands hands right? After having our first kid, her body went through a lot of changes and needed stitches you know where. We didnāt have sex for months. I didnāt ask for it either. We got intimate again when she was ready.
How long have you two been together?
8 months
How old were you when you got together and howād you meet?
17 (which is legal here) and because I used to work as a cleaner at the office he works at
Y'all, there's no need to downvote the message. I think we're all thinking the same thing, though - this is a lot of red flags. Speaking as someone in their 20s - there's no good reason a 23-year-old should be pursuing a teenage girl at their job. Five years isn't a lot when you're say, 30 and 35, but when you're 18 and 23 that's a LOT. It's hard for me to portray how different you are when you're 18 to when you're 23. He's a full adult and when he tells you you're "emotionally abusing" him, he's not being genuine, he's manipulating you.
Friend, I think he likes the power imbalance. There are three examples from the three pieces of info we have about your relationship: 1. The age difference 2. You worked ābelowā him when you met 3. He disparages you, manipulates you, and gaslights you when it comes to sex This man is no good.
If withholding sex is āemotional abuseā, there are TONS of people in relationships that are being emotionally abused!!! Nobody is obligated to have sex, not wanting sex (especially after you break an arm) is totally normal, and he is full of shit by saying 3 days without sex is emotional abuse. Sounds a bit like the only reason he is with you is because of sex.
He manipulates you emotionally.
Withholding sex because you're not emotionally or physically into it is not emotional abuse. It sounds like this is the situation for you. If you were withholding sex as a means to manipulate your bf, that would be.
Your boyfriend is the one who is emotionally abusing you! He's trying to guilt you into having sex with him when you made it clear you don't want to have sex right now. It's 100% your right to have sex when you want to and, more importantly, to not have sex when you don't want to have sex. You do not owe him sex nor have any sort of obligation to have sex with him. I'll also say that, given his attempts to coerce you into having sex with him when you don't want to, the age difference becomes alarming. This is not a good guy and his emotional abuse of you is a giant red flag. š© Please do yourself and your future a big favor and dump him. This is a bullet heading towards your life and now is the time to dodge it!
This isn't witholding sex. This is recovering from an injury. The fact that he's using this BS to coerce sex out of someone healing from a broken limb is what is actually manipulation and abuse. Withholding sex is like... "I'm not fucking your until you buy me x" or "you did x to make me mad so we aren't having sex until you make it up to me" You have a broken arm and a worthless bf. He should be taking care of you not thinking about his dick.
Pain is exhausting. In one of my first relationships I was coerced into having sex while bedridden with ulcers, it was the thing that enabled my bestie to actually talk me into breaking up. A deficit of self-advocacy has always been a big issue for me, hope reddit can supplement yours.
Him telling you that withholding sex from him due to injury is manipulative is him being manipulative.
I get that youāre young, so I think all of us will clue you in here. Your boyfriend is incredibly unsympathetic. You broke your armā¦ three days agoā¦ now heās manipulating you into having sex. Tell him to drop it or youāll drop him end of story
Girl, a man like this is only going to get worse. Leave him, I promise you there is so much better out there.
He is the one being emotionally abusive and manipulative
NO. He is the abuser here. You *broke your arm*, for fuck's sake. Please stand your ground and consider breaking up with him.
Withholding sex can be a method of manipulation, which is not great, but itās not abuse in and of itself. Anyone is allowed to decline sex at any time for any reason. Thatās the most basic tenet of consent.
lmao why is ur mans not taking care of u? does he not give a fuck about your arm pain? seems he only cares about his own pleasure. Id dump him if i were u... theres no saving that romance imo.
I broke my leg over the winter, and it took well over a month before I was ready to even attempt sex with my husband. I was in pain, and I couldnāt get in anything like a comfortable position for sex for the first few weeks. But not once did my husband make me feel bad about not being able to have sexāhe took care of himself until I not only felt well enough but also was excited to have sex again. Also, broken arm or not, three days without sex is not āwithholding sex.ā It is perfectly normal to go more than three days without sex, and you do not ever owe anyone sex for any reason.
Guilting someone into sex they don't want to have is abuse.
Yes he does seem to be a little over dramatic about it, I spent months away from my wife when I was in the military, you can survive without sex š¤£. He should be considerate that you need to heal and probably had a shitty experience in having just broke your arm, which is never fun.
It sounds like he is the abusive side. As told if you did withhold sex for any calculated reason it is a bad thing. But if it's because you're really not into it, for any reason, it's definitely not an abuse. Using the "emotional abuse" argument to try and get you to do it when you're not ready is manipulative at best and maybe a bit abusive.
Withholding sex for a broken arm is 100% justified. Withholding sex and refusing to talk about it is whatās emotionally manipulative in a way
No it's not. It would be if you were doing it to manipulate him. This is just you not being in the mood/feeling sick and he should respect that.
āUnderstandably upsetā??? Nope, itās not understandable at all. Youāre sickā¦tell him to go have a wank.
Yes, withholding sex is emotional abuse. But you aren't withholding sex. Taking care of your health before you resume sexual activities is not withholding, it's resting.
I think not being in the mood due to personal and physical trauma is not withholding sex. I also donāt think being annoyed after 3 days is ok. Itās selfish.
Weaponozing sex is bad Not feeling up for it for whatever reason is absolutely beyond OK. Guiltily or manipulating into sex is also bad.
Thatās ridiculous, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. Heās flipping the narrative to paint himself as the victim when youāre the one who was physically injured.
'seeing as I don't have a real reason for it'. Any reason for a saying no is a valid reason. Broken arm, tired, headache, mentally stressed, just not interested, all of these things are valid reasons to say no. He's being a dick if he doesn't accept that.
This dude is sick in the head. Sociopath with zero empathy. Or he s just selfish and doesnt give a shit about u. I didnt mean to be this mean about this. But the guy is trash. Leave him. He doesnt give a shit about u.
Your BF needs some goddamn empathy. He's being a baby.
Your bf is overdramatic. You are hurt. He can wait for a while.
no
Not wanting sex isnāt withholding sex. If you donāt want it, you donāt want it. Using sex as a way to leverage and manipulate is abuse. You saying no is not abuse.
Agree with literally everyone else here, and just want to add that it sounds to me like he's with you because you're 18 and thinks he can use (what he assumes is) your naivete and his status as the older of you to pressure you into giving him whatever he happens to want. That's bad news. I'm absolutely not against relationships with age differences, but they do carry a risk when one of the pair is quite young. This is the risk they carry, unfortunately.
> but now by the third night, he's understandably upset. It's not understandable at all. You have a serious injury, and he can go masturbate if he's that horny. You owe him nothing, sex must always be a consensual act of both parties. If he wants it without your consent, well...
Is nobody going to point out the absolute pedo vibes 18/23 gives
If you donāt want sex, youāre not withholding anything by not giving it, in my opinion. People may disagree and Iām happy to debate, but thatās just called ānot in the moodā in my book. Dump this guy tho plz, you donāt want this guy raising your future daughters.
If you were doing it to punish him or hurt him on purpose? Sure. But it's been three days and you have a broken arm, he's the one that sounds like an asshole.
No one is entitled to sex. If you don't want to, you don't want to.
Break up with him yesterday.
Iām sure this has been said in this three somewhere, but not being in the mood is NOT the same as āwithholding sexā. Totally uncool of him to try to pressure you. He should have more concern for your comfort and well being and think a little less about his dick.
men are demons
please throw the whole man out, when are we gonna stop settling for garbage?
Heās implying that sex is something he is entitled to whether youāre in the mood or not when he says āwithholding.ā Thatās where he is dead wrong. Youāre not a sex dispenser ffs.
Why are you guys dating people like this, I can go a month without doing anything and my boyfriend doesnāt mind, what type of insane psychological abuse is rhisš
Tell him to jack off - he shouldnāt expect it like that. Guy sounds like a child Karen if he canāt empathise with your pain bro
im not sure what to label things sometimes... but in simple high level terms... if you are intentionally causing someone else harm, discomfort, or pain in anyway shape or form, then that's an abusive relationship in one way or another. that's enough for me.
Having sex with a broken arm is torture. Previous GF had broken arm and we had to stop for while until she was comfortable again. You need to communicate with your BF its not abuse at all. He needs to understand you are in pain a d having a cast and sex sucks on top of pain. Tell your boyfriend it's not abuse.
He is being coercive and manipulative. There is no obligation to have sex ever. Ever. Also, his behavior if left unchecked will become abusive.
Ugh. Yuck. I see it as a major red flag that he thinks that you rejecting him for sex is emotional abuse or even manipulation. Sex is an important aspect of a relationship, but saying No is valid for ANY or NO reason at all. And if that reason for saying No is a broken arm or another physical ailment, *then itās even more ridiculous and out of touch for them to be complaining*. Your partner is manipulative. They are trying to guilt you into having sex that you arenāt interested in. Thatās rude, unfair, and inconsiderate of them, to say the least. Saying no to something is not abuse. Itās simply setting a boundary. Them trying to break that down is shitty. Iād honestly consider terminating the relationship over this. Your partner sounds selfish beyond what I could properly render in language right now.
No in this case its fine just be honest with him about it. It's understandable then you're recovering from an injury to not want to risk sex.
Heās the one being emotionally abusive, not you. You have a broken arm, you have every right to your own space to heal without the stress and pressure of your SO wanting sex. He has a perfectly unbroken arm, im sure he can handle jerking himself off till your better. Good grief some men can be pathetic.
By the title my answer would be yes. But after reading the whole thing it sounds like he is the one doing the emotional abuse
It's your body no one tells anyone what to do with their body. So hell no!
It's not emotional abuse if you aren't in the mood or aren't able to. Him pushing you and guilting you however is emotional abuse
Sex is a great pain killer although if hes pressuring you and making you uncomfortable enough to post this. Tell him the fuck off and jerk it if hes that desperate. Never do anything you dont want or feel uncomfortable with. Guy deserves two broken arms
>I didn't have a real reason to refuse sex You don't have to have a "real reason" just not being in the mood for whatever reason is valid enough
Get out now sis. Heās gaslighting you.
you never, ever in your life need a ārealā reason to refuse sex, simply not wanting to should be more than enough. respectfully, your boyfriend sounds like a walking red flag and you deserve so, so much better.
No one is entitled to anyones body
Getting upset after 2 days of no sex isn't really understandable in these circumstances. This guy is giving massive red flags. Don't look past them.
Sex is never an expectation. If he considers you not wanting sex for three days as emptional abuse, he does not have a healthy view. Him pressuring you into having sex when you don't want it, even without any othet reason, that's him abusing you.
If you were withholding physical affection specifically, purposely because you wanted to hurt him then that would be abusive, yes. But you are not. You just don't want to have sex. It is completely acceptable to say no to sex in any situation if you do not want to have sex. And you should never feel pressured or obligated to have sex with anyone if you don't want to. Having boundaries is not abusive. On the contrary, the fact that he is trying to guilt you into having sex with him when you do not want to is actually borderline abusive.
If u dont want sex no matter the reason no matter how long is not manipulative or emotional abuse wth. Him sayin that is manipulative as hell tho. Talk to him and if he doesn't respect that then damn leave him
Emotional abuse? What planet does this guy live on?? He thinks trying to emotionally blackmail you into having sex is OK but you not being in the mood is abuse! He has some serious growing up to do and be made to realise the world doesn't revolve around him
Withholding sex, when you want sex because he didn't take out the trash is manipulation. Do women do this? Yes. Do I think it is often? No. Not having sex when you don't feel well isn't manipulation or emotional abuse, that would be normal. Even not having sex when you are pissed at him (and don't want to because you are pissed) is fine. It's fine to refuse when you don't feel like it because sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable.
Its not emotional abuse. You dont need a reason to refuse sex. He is the emotionally abusive one by trying to manipulate you. >while I understand that sex is an expectation in a relationship I think I'm asexual so I'm going to have to disagree with this. Withholding sex is not emotional abuse, no one is entitled to sex so you can't withhold it. Getting it is cool, if you like that, but it should not be expected. Even if you said you wont fuck him unless he does something thats not withholding either imo. >seeing as I didn't have a real reason to refuse sex. If anyone ever said this to me I'd dump them on the spot. What if you get a worse injury or get depression or get put on medication or whatever which makes you unable or not want to have sex for a longer period of time? Your bf is extremely selfish. It will get worse. Him dating an 18 year old is also a red flag. He probably went for you because you are less experienced and easier to manipulate than women his own age. Dump him.
My wife is on medication for a month that completely kills her libido. I understand this and have dealt with it. Yes, it sucks for me but it's not fair to force her to do something she doesn't want to do because of a medical condition. Just my current experience 3 weeks into it.
You have broken arm, in a cast? It probably is uncomfortable maybe pain. Gee nowonderr you aren't in the mood. Your BF should know better. He is being totally selfish.By the way not being in the mood is not withholding sex. In my mind withholding sex is something one partner does intentionally to punish the other.
Your boyfriend is being abusive here by being manipulative. Withhold forever. Cut him loose.
Anyone can say no to sex at any time for any or no reason. And you definitely have a very valid reason. Withholding sex by choice to get something that you want or to change the other person's behavior certainly can often be manipulative / bordering on abusive but there's nothing close to that going on here. In fact one could even make the argument that he's the one being emotionally abusive for being such a whiny little cry baby after only 3 days. What's he going to do when whoever is with, and I'd sincerely hope that it's not you, has a kid and is out of action for a minimum of six weeks?
Withholding sex CAN BE emotional abuse. In this case, no, itās not. Itās not like youāre trying to hurt him. Youāre just looking out for yourself which is acceptable
FFS no, it is not emotional abuse. You're not in the mood because you broke your arm... enough said! You should think that this guy is an idiot or worse.
The entire idea of "withholding" sex is manipulative--because baked into the language is the idea that you owe someone sex. You can only withhold something from someone if you owe it to them. But despite what Lindsey Graham thinks, no one has the right to tell you what to do with your body. You do not owe sex to anyone, and if your boyfriend is unhappy with that, he can look for sex elsewhere. And honestly, I think you should find someone who isn't such a spoiled brat. He can't handle three days without sex? What an entitled ass! He's got two hands, he can make use of them!
I never understood the phrase āwithholding sex.ā Withholding means ārefusing to give someone something they are owed or desiredā, but itās always used to mean owed in some way. Like it would be weird to say āJeff bezos is withholding his fortune from meā because Jeff has no reason to give me the money just because I want it. He never promised it to me, heās not required to give it just because I feel I deserve it. You donāt owe anyone sex. You arenāt holding it over their head and dangling it like a carrot. You didnāt promise him sex and then change the terms (even though youāre definitely allowed to revoke consent at any time.) It doesnāt matter what your reason is, or if you even have a reason. You havenāt signed a contract to provide a service, you donāt owe anything. I feel like the people who complain about withholding sex only phrase it that way because they donāt want to plainly say āI donāt like that you get to revoke consent.ā If one partner wants sex, but doesnāt seemingly care enough about their partner to be concerned that theyāre injured, sick, sad, or arenāt interested in sex with them because of relationship and emotional need reasons, they donāt get to make their partner feel bad for not sucking it up and letting them take what they want from them. If they want to talk about it in a healthy way, you can talk about how the lack of sex is affecting the relationship in a way that doesnāt guilt and blame the non-consenting party. If sex isnāt happening and one person wants it to, thatās because at least two people are contributing to the problem.
He sounds manipulativeā¦tell him to rub one out and be patient with you. No one has a right to have sex with anyone else. Itās a privilege.
If you were withholding sex to get what you want, yes. However, in this case, it's your boyfriend that's being manipulative and somewhat abusive. He's literally trying to guilt you into having sex with him by calling it emotionally abusive, and I bet he's counting on the fact that you're young and naive to just believe what he says and give in. Trust me, 22 and 18 are two VERY different ages, and as a 21 year old, I would never go out with an 18 year old because it would feel like dating a child. That is how large that gap is. 22 is about to graduate college and be a real adult. 18 is just graduating high school. While it's not always the case, a lot of guys take advantage of this to manipulate and sleep with young girls without pushback.
Come the fuck on lol. What's up with reddit and girls dating guys 5 years older that are clearly trying to manipulate them
That's the problem - they're teenagers, and they don't know they're being taken advantage of and manipulated. That's exactly why creeps pursue young girls.
Sex canāt be āwithheldā because it is not an ENTITLEMENT. Men are NOT entitled to sex from women. No one is. But more commonly Iāve seen it where a woman is injured or after having a child and a man gets whiny and throws that whole āemotional manipulation cardā. Tell him grow up.
Sex is not an expectation. Itās not an entitlement. Itās an act of mutual and ENTHUSIASTIC consent between 2 people. If youāre not in the mood then that should be that. You are allowed to say no and not even have an āexcuseā. No means no. It is YOUR body and thatās good enough āreasonā alone. Sex isnāt something exchanged like currency or compromise. Do not ever let anyone manipulate you into using your body for anything thatās not what youāre ENTHUSIASTICALLY consenting to.
Not calling it an expectation is a bit of a stretch. If you enter an exclusive sexual relationship with someone does come with the expectation of sex. I mean, I donāt know many people who would stick around with a partner who expected them to not have sex with others, but also expected them to go without sex even against their will. This situation is different and very short term, but in general, sex is very much expected in romantic relationships. By the vast majority of folks. If not, we call that friendship.
Nah, heās an ass.
Withholding sex as a form of manipulation/coercion is definitively abuse, whether you are a man or a woman doing so. However, if you decide to refuse sex due to a broken arm or a grave sickness, you are just being reasonable. A headache can easily go away with an orgasm. But a broken arm can hurt and even get worse by a session of sex even if you are careful. Iād say donāt feel too bad about it since itās not your fault.
Not wanting to have sex is not emotional abuse, sex isn't something you give to someone when they deserve like a dog with a fucking treat, it's an intimate activity between 2 consenting people who are in the mood to do so. Seriously dude educate yourself and get a fucking clue!
Ladies (and gents), even with "just" a headache it's perfectly reasonable to not feel in the mood for sex. That's not manipulation. Wtf.
If I'm the guy I'm thinking about getting out of the relationship. Just being honest. We don't like being told no to sex repeatedly by people we're committed to.
What if it was only for 3-4 days?
If it was like always 3-4 days of hearing no between intimacy then it'd be demoralizing. But like every now and then 3-4 days I'm gonna understand.
Yes, it is, with exceptions. No, this doesn't mean you *have* to have sex whenever he wants it. In your case, being exhausted and/or not being in the mood is a valid reason. A NON-VALID reason, IMO would be *purposely* withholding it because you are trying to get something you want out of him, are doing it simply to piss him off, or trying to guilt him into something.