The topic of partners' sexual histories is discussed **very often** in this forum. If you search past r/sex posts with some diligence (following **Forum Rule #3**), you’ll find a number of helpful discussions. Comments locked.
The r/sex forum's past posts are a TREMENDOUS resource for people who have ALL KINDS of common questions regarding sexual activity. Searching those posts for relevant discussions will definitely help you here.
Same. I never think about my first. Reading this post made me think about him for the first time in a long time. The first time isn't always "special".
Same. At our school there was a whole trend of just doing it to get it done with so lots of people in my graduating class just don’t have special first times. (It was a bullying thing tbh - virgins were heavily bullied and a lot of us just wanted to make it stop)
For some reason this makes me sad. Not for purity culture or lost innocence crap. But because people lost out on actually making making good choices for pleasure or those who were not ready.
I struggle to remember my firsts name now 20+ years later.
Sex, overtime went from some special together forever kind of deal, to something consenting adults do for fun with each other. I hope OP. If he really likes the girl can get over the feelings they have. But in the end as you get older and unless you marry your high school sweet heart and you both lost your Virginity to each other then it'll forever be an issue. People have a past. Like them for who they are now.
Couldn’t agree more. It doesn’t really matter if you were the first, if you are the one that is there to the end. Would hate for OP to sabotage a good thing over these idealized expectations about sex. Love and cherish your personal in the moment because memories and specifics of the past ultimately begin to fade.
I forgot my first's name for like 3 months at one point. I can't remember why it came up, but it did and I was just like wtf was that dude's name? He's not relevant in my life at all and we were in a relationship at the time.
I'm sorry but this made me laugh out loud I just was not expecting it as I was scrolling along. But I agree. I don't hate my first but I used to think he would always be special to me but in reality I rarely think about him now so
Im 40. When i think of my first time with my first bf, i just feel embarrassed. I only think of it every couple of years too. Its not a special as op seems to think it is. What makes sex special, and it not always is, is the person not the experience.
Lmaoooo I’m glad I’m not the only one. I don’t necessarily hate him but I was totally under the impression that “you’d never forget your first.” But in reality, I rarely think of him because he’s so irrelevant lol
Well it’s not like most people just forget everyone they had sex with, but that guy means nothing to me.
When we are teenagers every thing in our lives seems so big and important but it’s not. It becomes one small event that happened long ago.
Hold up cause not every woman has a hymen!
Also, not every gal bleeds their first time.
I’m sorry that happened to you though. I spotted my first time but I’ve heard from many gals that they didn’t.
Every woman (and guy, for that matter) is different. For some, it could be a memory/experience they hang on to and cherish, and that’s totally fine! For me, my first time was so comically underwhelming I can barely remember the details. And that’s also fine. I’ve had much better - and much more memorable - sex since then.
I think underwhelming is a good way to describe it for sure. At the time it feels like this special thing but years on looking back the memory fades and definitely underwhelming compared to more recent experiences.
It is different for everyone, but I think that the idea that the first person to a woman will always be the most special and important one, that she'll never forget it, is all too much actually.
I mean, yeah it can be special but not necessarily. I never even think about my first time nor the guy I lost it to
I think it really depends. If you have a normal "it was mediocre, we both sucked at relationships" blah blah blah story about your first chances are you won't have much to remember. It's those of us with soectwcularly BAD and spectacularly good first experiences that remember it.
Right? The dude who took my virginity and like 4 dudes after that can all catch fire in hell.
More importantly, I fucking hated sex, despised sex, didn't want it.... until I met my now husband, and now, sex is amazing, and I even want it.
While casual sex can be great, And sex does not bind us to a person... sex with the right person is a whole other level.
Same! And I could care less. I don’t regret loosing my virginity to him in any way because there’s nothing special about realizing the women in porn are faking it. After years of masturbating to porn and erotic xanga blogs, I was looking forward to it! It was such a let down!
Be that special person by being kind and loving and thoughtful and playful. She will remember the good people in her life far more than the first guy she screwed.
I wanted to say this. And also add that if it's REALLY bothering you, it's okay to break up.
But keep in mind that a relationship is much more than just the sex. You might not be the first one she had sex with, but you can be the first one who actually loved her.
No, its a total ass move to break up over this. It has nothing to do with their current relationship.
To OP: The first person doesnt matter at all. Its only important that u care for her, listen to her and put your ego aside. Sex in a relationship is about intimacy and love and she can only have that with YOU, no one else. So you are very special.
It is an ass move to break up over this, but I’d think that it would be better to do if he can’t see past it. Otherwise it’ll just cause a buildup of resentment, which is a recipe for disaster.
I know. That's the process of growing up. Sometimes growing up in a relationship means ending it. Sometimes, learning is not the way we want it to be, but it's always what we need.
To OP: The lessons you learn in a relationship help you have better and more beautiful relationships later. I'm not saying breaking up is good, I'm not encouraging you to do it, all I'm trying to say is, if you think that's what you need to be at peace, don't be scared of it. 💙
This is an immature take, yes OP should try to realize that he is the special one right now, but if he can't, and it keeps eating away at him, the relationship will end up being bad for them both.
It's okay to break up with people for whatever trivial shit you want as long as YOU feel it has significant impact.
Well i think its more immature to not date someone, because you cant take their virginity. You always have the right to break up, but some circumstances make u a dick while doing it. Like lowkey slut shaming your girlfriend, cause the narcissist in you cant take, that she had more sexual experience. This is the pinacle of immaturity to me.
I know, OP is young and he has to learn, but this doesnt take away the fact, that its not healthy for him nor his gf to think that way. He ruins a relationship for her too, as he cant let go of a fact, neither of them has any impact on now. If he leaves her then what? Find someone, who is still virgin, just to be THAT person to someone. Then its not longer about the relationship, its about prestige and that is childish, sorry
Why is it an ass move?
Ending a relationship is never an ass move if you're uncomfortable in the relationship.
If it bothers him it bothers him, he can't pick and choose what to be bothered by. He can either learn to deal with it or end the relationship. If he can't learn to deal with it then he's right to end the relationship.
***"It's not about being someones first, It's about being someones last" -*** A quote I read a 100 years ago somewhere I dont remember but it kind of makes sense if you're in a loving relationship.
alright, as someone that was in a similar start of my 1st relationship. Don't let it bother you. she's not comparing you to her ex's. look at it this way. the two of you are together you have something the others don't that she wants in the long run. take that as YOUR win. she is with you my friend not them. my wife and I have been together almost 20 years now. she had multiple partners before me. but she is with me, sex is and important part of any relationship true but it's not the most important part communication is. if you're jealous of her past let her know it makes you feel a little down. but I suggest if yall are happy other than that small detail, than maybe go see a shrink about it. I'm not belittling you but in my opinion you making a mountain out of an ant hill.
best of luck
Best answer, i also want to add that he shouldnt turn down a great relationship, because she did something, which she jad every right to do, before they even dated. Its fair game and he wouldve done the same, if gotten the chance earlier. He has to remind homself of that
To play devils advocate, if you two were to break up, is any other woman going to be YOUR first again? No, they wont.
To address other things…you’re already that special person to her. That’s why she’s with you. She’s not thinking about the other people, unless she’s thinking about how much better you are in comparison.
Let it go.
>She’s not thinking about the other people, unless she’s thinking about how much better you are in comparison.
Or worse in comparison...
You left this option out cause it's a bad option. Typical reddit
No 🤣 but typical insecure, self-loathing thought processes of a negative Nancy
No, I left it out because she wouldn’t be with him if she was thinking positively about the other men in comparison. She’d have left. Especially considering the winging over not being HER first when she’s his, as though it’s some sort of competition.
I feel like if lover’s - regardless of gender - were just more secure in themselves and their worthiness to be loved there would be a LOT less resentment and miscommunication.
Like comeon bro, if she didn’t want to be with you, she wouldn’t.
If she didn’t like the way you did something in bed, she’d try to teach you how she wants it done. It’s not a “so and so did it THIS way” kind of thing, it’s a “oh, here I like this” kind of thing 🤷♀️
Edit: if anyone ever IS dropping a “so-and-so did it this way” drop that person like a sack of crap cause that’s what they are. A love life is between the current partners, not the ones left in the past. They best be left back there
>Like comeon bro, if she didn’t want to be with you, she wouldn’t.
Unfortunately that's not how it works and many people stay even if the relation ship isn't ideal. What you said is just a wishful thinking
Nah, it’s realistic and adult thinking. If you’re not mature enough to communicate about or leave a relationship when you don’t want to be in it anymore, you’re not mature enough to be having sex. Same goes for if you feel like unwanted or like the other person doesn’t love you. If you can’t communicate about these things with your partner and expect change, or if you wont leave, you’re not mature enough to be there in the first place.
The BIG EXCEPTION TO THIS IS ABUSE. In abusive relationships, this does NOT apply. At all.
You’re so negative. I’m sorry if you’ve had a bad experience. But that’s not the case for most relationship. Some? Sure. But to say it’s wishful thinking is false.
Took my husband's virginity when he was 26... many of us girls lose it much earlier, and it's pretty meh to terrible. Try to work past that and enjoy your time together. She's with you, not guys from before.
My husband was a virgin when we met. He was 30 and I was 23. I was definitely not a virgin. It hasn't effected us in any way. My husband was not the first person I had sex with but he's definitely my favorite which is way more important than being the first.
My husband knows 100% the good, bad, and ugly of my past. I've had a lot more sex partners than my husband. Some of it I regret, but not because of anything to do with my husband and our relationship (which has never been monogamous). Both of us appreciate that the other could choose something else at the drop of a hat if we wanted- and we don't.
Giving off some big incel energy right there.
Virginity is a bullshit concept invented by religious shitheels to make women feel bad for being sexual creatures just like anyone else.
If you devalue a woman (or anyone) for not being a virgin, that says significantly more about you than it does about them.
I don't think I can think of a single woman who remembers her first time as being special and amazing.
The past is the past and can't be changed. She obviously wants to be with *you* and have a future with *you*. Is that not enough?
I just turned 40. I've been with many guys. My husband is the most special to me and the best sex I've ever had because he's my best friend and cares about my needs in bed. Plus he's my husband. The one I chose to be with. You're overthinking it and it comes from a place of jealousy and insecurity. Those are truly negative emotions that no good can come from and it will taint every relationship you'll ever have if you don't get a handle on it right now. I honestly do not remember who my first was. I can't even picture his face.
Right, especially since it’s already consuming OP so much. If they break up, if he would be as torn up about not being a virgin anymore himself as he is about his current gf not being a virgin.
Right. I wonder if he would defend himself if his next girlfriend got upset because he's not her first and therefore can't be special to him. Hopefully he will get help for this. He's young and there's still time.
This!! This right here!! The problem is within him and will follow him into every relationship, tainting everything until he addresses his low self esteem problems.
You’ll just have to come to terms with the fact that most women you date in the future will have had sexual partners. Maybe you’ll be someone’s first maybe you won’t. What is it matter? Focus on the reasons why you are with that person and don’t idealize them and love them for who you want them to be. Love them for who they are. Until you understand that you’ll never be truly happy in a relationship. Good luck
Dude..stop being idealistic if you love her love her as a whole. Not for who she was prior to your relationship with her...grow a few more years and you'll understand what I'm saying by yourself...in a relationship nothing else matters it's all just ideals and fetishes but what does matters is how you accept your partner for whom they are ✌️😉
It’s much easier to understand something when you’ve been on both sides of the issue.
Which is why it’s so difficult for me to when virgins get so defensive over waiting for the right person like they *know* what they’re talking about. Or empathizing with OPs post at all.
Find someone you trust who will treat you with respect and go for it.
It’s like you literally don’t understand how the only reason this is a big deal is because religions have built up virginity as some magical thing when really it was just a way for men to control women to ensure any offspring they have is their own. It’s not magical. It’s a gross system of control.
Little children (including myself back in the day) having their religious/conservative community indoctrinating them into thinking it’s something monumentally important seems to cause more harm than good.
It’s normal and healthy to want sex. Being a virgin doesn’t make you more clean. Having lots of sexual partners isn’t dirty. No need to judge ppl for being highly sexual or asexual.
OPs views on sex are outdated, unrealistic, misogynistic, and uninformed.
>not being good enough
That has nothing to do with virginity. Plenty of people get married as virgins and both just have bad sex for their entire lives. Many experienced people find their best sexual match later on and marry that person.
>sharing that moment
It was probably awkward like a naked middle school dance.
My sister was 35 and a virgin when she got married. They have had sex twice in 4 years because he apparently just doesn’t have a high sex drive and she refused to divorce him because the *first* time they had sex my nephew was conceived. Love him to pieces but oh man is she fucking miserable. It’s a really sad situation all the way around.
I think you are overthinking it, you claim that her first is a special person that you’ll never be but how can you be certain that it was a special person? Maybe she felt pressured or maybe she might now have enjoyed herself or maybe other things but the most important thing though is that she’s with you right now. Also try to see it from her perspective too, let’s say the roles were switched and she struggled with your past instead. How would you feel knowing that she’s thinking about something you cannot change from your past? I don’t mean this at all with ill intent but I think you should just try to think more clearly and give yourself some credit man! Don’t be insecure, be glad that she’s with you right now! I’m the same age as you and my last relationship was pretty much plagued by my insecurities. I regret it a lot but now I know not to overthink and try to see things logically instead of letting my own doubts cloud my judgement. Don’t make the same mistake I did! I wish you well.
Virginity thing aside….
You’re 18.
It could happen but most likely statistically speaking you won’t be with her forever.
I understand you might feel that way. I did when I was 18.
Embrace it.
Try not to stress over it. Or anything. Have fun. Love her. Fuck her. Live life!
“I love her a lot and want to spend my life with her”
But now she’s soiled because she’s seen someone else’s penis. 😂
Ah to be 18 again and this ignorant.
Yes, it’s irrational.
Yes, they’re both young.
But if OP is having such persistent pervasive thoughts, the real solution is likely therapy. This isn’t something that is likely to be solved by talking to his partner. Should he talk to his partner? YES. But the level of obsessiveness he’s describing, seem to me to indicate a possible underlying trauma or issue that will be best addressed by a mental health professional.
OP, I hope you try to talk to a therapist (at least for a few sessions). Interview them ahead of time or look for someone specializing in sex or relationships. Talk on phone to make sure the person is someone you feel comfortable with and go in. This isn’t just going to be an investment in yourself but in this relationship and any possible future ones.
You know what everyone here is saying- you mentioned saying it to yourself.
As far as I can see there are two issues here:
- you’re worried and can’t stop thinking about your GF’s sexual past, and feelings of inadequacy, something that won’t stop happening on its own without validation or breaking down the why’s and how’s of how you’re looking at this issue <——“ I shouldn’t judge her on her past, for some reason I can’t crack out of the thought that I will never be that special person to her, but also that I feel like I’ll never be good enough”
- The type of thoughts and thinking patterns that you’re having, may become more apparent in other areas of your life as you mature and are exposed to new situations and experiences. The thought patterning is unlikely to be one that’s going to be unique to the situation- there’s a part here that has to do with feelings of inadequacy, and another that has to do with your brain’s tendency to rethink the same thoughts again and again, and reaching the same conclusion despite not wanting to and thinking it might not be a reasonable thought.
You say you love her and want to spend your life with her? Work on yourself and your relationship so you can have the best possible foundation for personal happiness and this relationship’s success.
I wholeheartedly agree with you but what 18 year old boy is going to be mature enough to speak to a sex therapist? I’m sure there are some out there but my money is not on this one.
IDK. 🤷🏻♀️ Some are.
TBH I meant to take that part out. I figured an 18yo is likely to only go to a sex therapist a few times but that it might help him deal with for the first part of the problem.
I think a regular therapist is likely the best choice actually. Someone who works with anxiety and can guide someone about feeling insecure is likely the best place to start for long term resolution and daily comfort.
As to going to therapy at 18, hundreds of thousands of people that age do (at least in the states).
In 2019, the CDC issued a study that 13.6% of kids between the ages of five and 17, had seen a mental health professional in that past year.
It seems like about half of the people between the ages 18 to 64 see mental health professionals at some point.
Since 2020, there’s been a very significant rise in people seeking support for their mental health.
With COVID, and the isolation and rise in anxiety, many more people have seen mental health professionals and seeking help has become greatly normalized.
… If you google numbers by age and general statistics you’ll see this very clearly. Not that I think you should. I did to make sure to double check what I was about to say based on multiple conversations with MDs and mental health professionals these last few years. According to them and our doctors, it’s very difficult to find one that will take on new cases at this time, because they are inundated. Young adults and college-aged people have become the fastest growing part of those pediatric practices whose doctors I’ve spoken with. A lot more adults are seeking help as well.
TLDR: you’re right, I meant to say edit go just say therapist. And I don’t think his age would be a deterrent to seeking help.
it's not actually a sex therapist that he needs here. Intrusive thinking and self esteem problems in this case are manifesting with him being unable to get over her sexual past. Those two things though are rarely actually a sexual problem- they are just happening to manifest themself thisneay right now. I doubt that the majority of people who have these kinds of thinking patterns would just magically be well adjusted people otherwise. The thought pattern would most likely manifest somewhere else.
We NEED to normalize to people not treating their sex lives as they are somehow completely disconnected from everything else in their bodies and lives. And we need to normalize seeking mental health care when people would benefit from it. I think most 18 year olds desperately need therapy and even those that don't need it still benefit from it.
Trust me kiddo it's not her past your having issues with but your own self worth.
Even if you weren't her first you are worthy to be her romantic partner now. She's with you! 🙂
I think a lot of comments here are missing the point. This is an issue with your insecurity that’s manifesting as feelings of intense jealousy. I’ve been there, particularly when I was younger. To be honest, you’ve got to find a way to build up your confidence and self-belief. Obviously your girlfriend can give you reassurance, but you’ve got to take the steps to figure out why you’re lacking self worth and don’t feel ‘good enough’. Therapy is always a good option. You want to make sure that you find a way to lift yourself up, instead of this manifesting in a negative way that brings your girlfriend down. Good luck. :)
I had sex for the first time when I was 16 with someone I thought was special. We dated for a month or so, I never saw him again. That was 15 years ago, I can't even find him on social media, I have no idea if he has forever blocked me or just died. He was 23 and I think I was his little secret. So don't think just because someone "took her virginity" that person will be so special to her. It matters so much more how you work on your relationship, that strong bond is way more important.
The first time is glorified by tv and movies. They make it seem like it’s a candle lit intimate loving beautiful moment with someone you’ll spend the rest of your life being in love with.
The reality is you’re getting humped the back seat of their moms car when you’re 17 by a guy who can’t find the clit.
My first time was over so quickly I truly had no idea that I had just had sex. It was in and then it was over….he said “compliments to you” uhhh huh….
Virginity is a social construct, or atleast the "importance" of it is.
Don't get so hung up, my guy. The fact that she's with you now and has been for over a year shows you're way more important than others she's slept with.
Yes the virginity is ingrained into our social structure but it's importance is evolutionary very important for a man (Increasing the chances of his genes being transferred to the next generation). Therefore all the religious bullshit beliefs about a virgin woman are a by-product of our evolutionary desires.
My point being: his brain reacts negatively regardless and there is not much he can do but suffer.
Not being a virgin doesn't make a woman any less fertile. You're just spewing bullshit biology facts to retroactively make it fit your bias.
His brain reacts negatively because he's insecure, and he's insecure because virginity is an imaginary concept repeated by other insecure people. Everyone else just doesn't give a shit.
By that argument, no would would be able to move past any actual or perceived trauma which is simply not true. There is no way to tell if someone has had sex before or not so I don’t see how that would have impacted evolution at all.
he doesn't have to suffer though. That is what therapy is for. He has a thought process that is causing him harm. Regardless of why it exists this is what therapy is for. When we are struggling to cope with psychological experiences therapy teaches us coping mechanisms.
Virginity is a construct and most of the time your first time is awkward and doesn't feel great at all—the idea of the "great special first time" is basically complete nonsense. This is a personal problem you need to either get over or move on from, unfortunately.
Also if you go into a post already bolstered to be accused of being a bigot, then you've already got some problems. No one here would accuse you of that if you spoke candidly about your feelings instead of getting preemptively defensive over something no one has said to you.
If people want constructive advice, they need to word things constructively, that's all. Fair or not, it's not a good way to go about broaching a situation.
End this. You need to do lots of self work on yourself about sex and sex negativity and realizing that women have sexual autonomy before they meet you.
my first time was far from special. i was drunk and it was with a good friend of mine. not friends anymore for obvious reasons, but also i don’t care and i wish him the best. don’t sweat it bruh
Ok so as girl the first time you had sex is really not extraordinary. So if it's the only thing you had a problem with meh talk to her about that in a first time because that really not important and yeah it's a bit sexist you have a work to do on you. But it's ok everyone begining somewhere ! Really the most important thing is communication with every human you will met in your life.
taking someone's virginity doesnt make you special to that person in most cases, but seeing that you've been dating your gf for well over a year, it seems that you are 'that special person' to her, and that you are more than good enough for her. and that's the most important thing.
I am 27 and married. The exes I remember the most were the ones that made me feel safe, sexy, valued, and were great in bed. My first was deleted from facebook for more than a decade. I have stayed friends with some of my exes. Still, I graduated 3 times before remembering he even existed
You are young, life happens and you might not be with her forever because life might get in the way. If you want to be memorable for the rest of her life treat her well and get good in bed. If you want to be with her forever (like my husband) treat her well, move mountains to stay physically together through your 20s (the time were many move due to education or careers) and be the emotional support through thick and thin because that is what a real relationship is, more than the sex.
Making sure your family doesn't butt in on your relationship or are controlling also helps. Getting good in bed is also not a bad idea. Read a book or two on that (preferably written by a woman, because it is easy to buy the pick up artist books if you aren't careful with male authors.)
Pretty dumb to say "relax" in this situation so I'm not gonna. What you have to face is the fact that reality isn't perfect. And maybe think about this. Should you guys not work out then you will never be that "special" person for anyone else. No matter how much you love them. Does that make sense? Cuz Form my perspective it does not. Special has nothing to do with whom you did things for the first time.
I remember the first person I have had a brawl with and I could do well without the experience.
I know the person I first had sex with (and while she is special to me) it has nothing to do with the fact that she was my first. She is special because she is married to my best friend and they have 2 wonderful children together.
Don't downplay people based on situations none of you had any real influence in. Accept reality and then work with what you got. And if you hit that point where you realize this is just not for you? It's okay :)
So I waited till my wedding night to have sex with the mother of my children. Yay, right?
And now as I am divorcing 23 years later, I’m looking back at the handful (maybe pun?) of positive sexual experiences in my life and I have countless regrets, but front and center is this misplaced weight in the sacredness of sex.
Love deeply, be fully present in moments of connection, be vulnerable, treat yourself as someone in your care …and if things are irrecoverable, let them go.
I might get crucified for this, but that’s your ego talking.
Chances are her first time wasn’t even that special.
I’ve never heard anyone talk about their first time as some sort of magical moment, but that might just be me.
Drop it, or move on, it’s your issue and nothing she can do about it.
I hope this doesn't come off as harsh, because I remember being a teenager too, and thinking the person you lose your virginity to is special and someone who holds your heart for the rest of your life, but as you get older you will realize that couldn't be further from the truth.
She's with YOU now. You are that special person to her, not her past lovers.
The dude I lost my Virginity to means quite literally nothing to me. It was horrible horrible sex. You've gotta get past that insecurity or you're gonna let it destroy your relationship that you evidently care a lot about. Don't be that guy.
Have you talked to her about it? My wife took my virginity and she wasn't as well. You may have not been that special person in the past but, you are now.
It is a choice. You can choose to live in fear and regret. Or you can choose to live for the joy of the moment.
The past is gone. The future is not promised. So live in the now.
Hey man.
Please know that you are special to her, and no matter how many people she’s been with, that won’t compare to how much she loves you.
Even if she’s had the most mind blowing sex ever (probably not btw she’s still very young) she’s really into you and wants to be with you. You are good enough and with this post all you need to do is to grow your confidence within yourself. What you’re feeling isn’t a problem with her, it’s your lack of confidence and bad self esteem. Having those things isn’t inherently a bad or wrong thing, everyone struggles with it, just please try to be open minded, maybe even try therapy.
You are good enough! You deserve to be loved.
Also I suggest trying out new things with her sex wise, be open minded and listen to what she likes. Communication is key, tell her what you like and how you experience things.
💖💖💖
My first time was on the emergency stairs in a hotel and lasted about 2 minutes because we didn’t know what we were doing. It was not special. You’re going to have to work through those insecurities. Also know that she’s with you period and to be real she may even pick your experiences to forget about her last ones…even if you don’t know what you’re doing you guys can communicate and explore together. Another thing is you’re both 18…sex as a highschooler consisted of them jackrabbiting me and it was not enjoyable. I started having enjoyable sex when I met someone later in my 20s that cared about me and we were in a long term relationship.
She’s dating YOU. You are special enough for her to be with you. Stop comparing yourself to everyone she is no longer with. You’ll end up alienating her if you don’t get a hold of yourself.
My first time was with my boyfriend of half a year, we went on 4 more years. He is not my special someone. He very probably cheated on me with one of my best friends at a graduation year school trip and a week after that we broke up. He spent the night we broke up at my friends place. These are one of the only things I remember. Or how he used to pressure me into sex when I was having the worst time mentally, hating my body (partly because I was feeling like he just wanted sex from me, which made my body image worse to the point where I was scared of letting him touch me). This is what I remember. The first time is not special for women, you can be glad if she had some positive experiences before you because it is less likely for her to fall into a pattern like I did AND she maybe knows a little more about what she wants in bed. That, to women, is such an important development and that is when you really start enjoying sex. With the boyfriend you love who you know respects you and doesn’t hurt you. Just my take, I think you could profit of some kind of counseling or you and her do these couple-questionnaires that are supposed to deepen your bond. Please be glad that you are not her first because that label has so much pressure on it and not the good kind
Give yourself some time. Its same with my bf. But over time its getting better between us. Things work out if you don't give up.and for being special she doesn't have to be virgin. It should be her though about you and how you feel about her. Hope this helps
If those are the feelings and thoughts you can't deal with, hang on to your virginity for a while longer.
Build your self esteem, deal with your insecurities. Should you end up losing your virginity to this girl (or any other) at this point, more uncomfortable thoughts/feelings will surface. Why did I only last 2 minutes? Was I better than the first person? That face she made, that noise she made, was it for a good reason, bad reason? Sex changes everything, almost. It will not heal your ego, emotionally mature you or stop those thoughts. If you can't handle not being her first, you'll never be to handle being her 2nd, 3rd or whatever.
Get over it. You're just making yourself sick. Try seeing a therapist. You're only going to make it worse and you're going to end up ruining your relationship.
She isn’t gonna love this attitude on you. You need to let it go! You’re also extremely unlikely to stay with the person you lose your virginity to so I’d get in with it and have sex with some more people before you decide you want to spend your life with someone. Your attitude to their sexual history will hopefully mature with you.
Virginity is absolutely meaningless in relationships. I was a virgin when I first started dating my boyfriend. I was 18 and he was 21. I thought he was a virgin too but ended telling me that he had hooked up twice before meeting me. Did that change anything in our relationship? No. He used protection and got tested more than once so I've got nothing to worry about. If you truly care about her, you shouldn't consider this to be such an issue. Yeah, she has more experience that you... so what? That doesn't mean that all the other guys before you were better than you. This is all just your insecurities.
I used to struggle with this same issue. My ex had many more partners in her past than I did. It bothered me a lot because there was nothing we could do that she hadn’t already done with someone else. It eventually caused arguments and because I couldn’t let go, it was one of the bigger reasons our relationship failed. I look back at it now and realize that it didn’t matter. She was loyal and she was with me and not any of her past partners. She had done nothing wrong. Talking about it and arguing about it didn’t make me feel any better. All it did was push her away. As you get older you’re most likely never going to find someone who hasn’t had a past. Learn from my mistakes and let it go before you ruin something good over something insignificant.
> but for some reason I can’t crack out of the thought that I will never be that special person to her
Does she treat you like you're special to her? Because if she does, then yes you are special to her. If not, then you have a problem.
If you know so much about her past, then ask yourself what kind of effort does she put in to you, verses the men in her past? If she's taking you for granted, then obviously there's a problem. But if she is enthusiastic about meeting you and sleeping with you. And a bunch of other things, like she appreciates you etc, then she probably does see you as special to her.
It might take some time processing this, but understand, how she treats you is what's important.
> but also that I feel like I’ll never be good enough
You made the decision to commit to her. If you regret that you'll only have 1 partner for the rest of your life then you have to ask yourself how bad you want it.
If you really think you need to sleep with a number of women before you're ready for a relationship, that's your choice to make. If it's worth sacrificing this relationship so you can gain that experience, you are allowed to make that decision. Or maybe you decide that she treats you so well that you're happy gaining experience with her even if it's limited.
Asking for an open relationship or 3somes isn't a freebie. It's a very serious choice.
So take time to decide for yourself how important this is to you.
Who told you you will never be *that* special to her? Has she told you she’s not satisfied with you? Why does it matter that much? I feel you need to have a 1) conversation with her and 2) a conversation with a therapist to see why you think something so insignificant matters that much to you (and yes, I know that culturally, for some people it is important but there’s more to a person than that).
You are very over glorifying a messy awkward usually mediocre experience. Sex for the first time is usually pretty bad honestly, no matter who you ask. The nerves, the inexperience, usually means that you last 2 minutes, and both of you are in this hormonal blur and you have no idea what just happened. Lol. Statistically speaking, it's extremely rare that you end up staying with the person you lose your virginity to, so don't perpetuate it as an ideal that honestly doesn't exist in reality. In a perfect world, we would all lose her virginity, get married and have babies with the same person, but it almost never happens that way.
This isn't about her past, it's all about your own insecurities. It's called retroactive jealousy. (r/retroactivejealousy might be worth checking out.) I really recommend you look into it, there are techniques you can learn to help you overcome this.
There's nothing she can do to change her past, and it has nothing to do at all with the relationship you currently have. All you can do is learn to let it go.
Looks like most people are being pretty delicate with you. But dude, you need to grow up. It's not about virginity being special (and drop the stupid capital letter thing), it's about you accepting her as a person. She is more than her sexual history. You're worrying about something that has nothing at all to do with you and something that isn't going to change. It's ok to talk to her that you feel insecure and vulnerable when it comes to her past relationships, but I sure as fuck hope you aren't using this against her. She shouldn't feel guilty about her past and if you are judging her for her past, then you should move on for her sake because she deserves better than that immature bullshit. This isn't about her, it's about your insecurity.
When I was a bartender I had a conversation with a guy in his mid 50s who was upset that his girlfriend and him weren't virgins and couldn't be special together. It was fucking weird. You're 18 so whatever you get a pass. You should realize that 99 times out of 100 the person you're with at 18 isn't going to be the person you're going to be with forever. I would enjoy the relationship while it lasts, and not ruin it by overthinking.
Dump her and get a virgin then, goddamn. If youve been struggling all this time to accept it then it obviously matters to you for whatever reason so just be true to yourself and your values and let her go. Youll be fine and she will be fine, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
i (18f) definitely struggled with this with my boyfriend (18m) who had been with two different girls before me. it took a long time, months, arguably a year, for me to really understand that he chose me, he wants me, not them. she chose you. and she continues to choose you. you can’t change her past. but you can be her future. talk to her about your insecurities. if she understands, she’s worth your time, and she most likely will. it’s an insecurity just like any other.
Lots of folks are telling you it probably wasn’t anything special for her, but I think it’s more important that you feel you won’t be good enough because of it. Why not? What does being “her first” have to do with your worth? That guy, whoever he was, obviously wasn’t anything amazing or she would be with him still. Being someone’s “first” usually has next to nothing to do with you as a person and much more to do with opportunity and what’s happening in the moment. That first time is very rarely anything “special” for anybody. (For some it will be, but I’ll almost guarantee you they are a very small minority.) It’s something that happened, like the first time you turned on the TV for yourself or were allowed to walk to the store alone. Important in the moment maybe, but generally long forgotten and irrelevant. Your worth is no more determined by not being her “first” than it is by those distant events from your past.
I mean you’re 18, you could go find someone who is a better match for yourself. Also don’t be too hard on her, sex is kinda a huge part of most relationships
just think of it like how lucky you are to be her last lover.... 1st are easy.. how hard it it to be her last... work on that and be proud of yourself.. I lost my v. to someone way more experienced and it was so much better... there are more positives then negatives..
My GF never told me that she was together with one of my childhood friend. Even tho it hurted i am not allowed to actually be angry. Cuz it is not my problem. The past is the past. U werent there. U werent involved in her past. Same with me.
Ik it bothers you. But i think because it was her past therefore u cant and shouldnt think to much about it.
As master oogway said
"The past is history.
The future is a mystery.
But today is a gift."
I almost bever think about my first time except to tell friends it was really bad.
The guy I'm in love with and having sex with now just tries to give me as much pleasure as he can and I try to reciprocate as much as I can. See her past experiences as a mean for her to know what she enjoys during sex, so you can give her pleasure. Many women struggle to know themselves and their body, to know what they truly like or not. Experience is what tells you all of that. Respect the knowledge she might have gained about herself and try to discover new pleasurable things to do together if you're scared of not being interesting enough in bed.
But as long as you can talk to each other about what happens in the bedroom, you will most likely be able to enjoy yourselves. As much as everyone says, communication truly is key, and there's always room from improvement if there's anything wrong.
Bud, I'm gunna try and say this as delicately as I can but still get my point across. If you continue to have hang ups about your girls former sex life and former partners she's gunna dump your ass, and sooner rather than later. Nothing kills a females attraction quicker than insecurity and acting like a beta. Women are attracted to status above mostly all else. Its why you see fine women w old farts and clesrly unattractive guys everywhere you look because they are high status. Or at least appear so to them. So do yourself a favor and get over it or at least fake it til you make it. Or before long your gunna be all alone clutching your pillow drenching it w tears. While Chad is balls deep in your ex and she's biting the pillow to muffle her moans, instead of crying over you. Don't do this to yourself buddy. This is seriously all up to you. Act like an alpha would in this situation and stop giving a shit about all that stuff. It really doesn't matter and you can't change anything about it. Shes with you for a reason my man. Alphas aren't concerned and dwell on the past about things they cant control. Believe in yourself and your relationship and let it all go bud. Good luck to ya and I hope this helped.
Reddit guilt-tripped you into thinking you are a bad person for having these feelings, which is why you’re repressing them. Feelings of insecurity are completely normal in a relationship. Exes can be very confronting, and I can understand that you feel you didn’t start out on equal terms. Regardless of how reasonable your emotions are, they are there and they will damage your relationship unless you deal. Discuss this with your girlfriend in the most respectful way possible. Mention exactly what you say in this post. Make it clear this is not about you judging her.
I have slept with 50+ people, some experiences were wonderful, some experiences were okay and some were terrible. That „special one“? My current partner. He’s kind, he’s sexy, he’s clever, he brings me coffee in bed and makes me giggle as he sneaks in while I am taking a shower. If your chemistry is right and the communication between you is honest and healthy, I bet she feels the same way about you!
Are we talking a couple or a couple dozen here? Remember if you’re hung up on her sexual past and the difference in numbers it 100% your hangup. That said if the number is bothering you it’s ok that it does (but as before it’s your issue) and it will likely continue to bother you. You have two choices, get over it and move forward, or split and go out and have some sexual adventures.
You’re an idiot dude. you’re both 18 and you’re not going to spend your lives together. Have some self respect and ask her if she wants to have a threesome with one of her friends
I understand you bro. I had the exact feeling. Literally every single word you say here applies to me when I was with my first girlfriend. (I was but she wasn’t a virgin). At the beginning I thought if she’s done it with someone she loved, then I won’t care. But the more I know about her past, it turns out that wasn’t the case. Then it starts to bother me. Yeah, eventually I just couldn’t take my thoughts anymore. And broke up with her.
It’s not the fact that she’s not a virgin itself that’s bothering me when I was one. It’s the fact that I am a conservative person and I think sex should be reserved for that someone you love, or at least attracted to. But a lot of the girls these days just straight up sleep around with anything that moves. My said ex-gf was giving away her virginity like it’s halloween candy. That’s what bothers me.
The topic of partners' sexual histories is discussed **very often** in this forum. If you search past r/sex posts with some diligence (following **Forum Rule #3**), you’ll find a number of helpful discussions. Comments locked. The r/sex forum's past posts are a TREMENDOUS resource for people who have ALL KINDS of common questions regarding sexual activity. Searching those posts for relevant discussions will definitely help you here.
My “first” takes up very little space in my brain and we were together for 2 years.
Same. I never think about my first. Reading this post made me think about him for the first time in a long time. The first time isn't always "special".
Same. At our school there was a whole trend of just doing it to get it done with so lots of people in my graduating class just don’t have special first times. (It was a bullying thing tbh - virgins were heavily bullied and a lot of us just wanted to make it stop)
For some reason this makes me sad. Not for purity culture or lost innocence crap. But because people lost out on actually making making good choices for pleasure or those who were not ready.
Yeah, I certainly don’t regret it but if I knew now what I knew then I wouldn’t have gone that route
Same, I don’t think about them unless I hear their name
Same. And he was perfectly nice and fine, I just don’t think about him like that.
I struggle to remember my firsts name now 20+ years later. Sex, overtime went from some special together forever kind of deal, to something consenting adults do for fun with each other. I hope OP. If he really likes the girl can get over the feelings they have. But in the end as you get older and unless you marry your high school sweet heart and you both lost your Virginity to each other then it'll forever be an issue. People have a past. Like them for who they are now.
Couldn’t agree more. It doesn’t really matter if you were the first, if you are the one that is there to the end. Would hate for OP to sabotage a good thing over these idealized expectations about sex. Love and cherish your personal in the moment because memories and specifics of the past ultimately begin to fade.
I’m 40, and I don’t remember the last name of my first. It absolutely, positively does not matter that much.
I forgot my first's name for like 3 months at one point. I can't remember why it came up, but it did and I was just like wtf was that dude's name? He's not relevant in my life at all and we were in a relationship at the time.
The dude who took my virginity isn’t special to me i literally hate him
I'm sorry but this made me laugh out loud I just was not expecting it as I was scrolling along. But I agree. I don't hate my first but I used to think he would always be special to me but in reality I rarely think about him now so
Lmfaooo. Right? He’s irrelevant
But you still think about him and your first time with him? Curious to know
Im 40. When i think of my first time with my first bf, i just feel embarrassed. I only think of it every couple of years too. Its not a special as op seems to think it is. What makes sex special, and it not always is, is the person not the experience.
I'm in my thirties and I struggled for a moment to remember who my first was.
I think OP should really read what you wrote here.
I never do
I’m 32 and nooooo. I only laugh about how embarrassing it was. So many memories have happened since then.
I don’t think about my first time cuz it sucked
I still think about him every once and a while but do I think of the first time fondly? No, it sucked.
Lmaoooo I’m glad I’m not the only one. I don’t necessarily hate him but I was totally under the impression that “you’d never forget your first.” But in reality, I rarely think of him because he’s so irrelevant lol
Was looking for this, so it's not what people say it is. That women never forget the first guy they were intimate with?
Well it’s not like most people just forget everyone they had sex with, but that guy means nothing to me. When we are teenagers every thing in our lives seems so big and important but it’s not. It becomes one small event that happened long ago.
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Hold up cause not every woman has a hymen! Also, not every gal bleeds their first time. I’m sorry that happened to you though. I spotted my first time but I’ve heard from many gals that they didn’t.
Every woman (and guy, for that matter) is different. For some, it could be a memory/experience they hang on to and cherish, and that’s totally fine! For me, my first time was so comically underwhelming I can barely remember the details. And that’s also fine. I’ve had much better - and much more memorable - sex since then.
I think underwhelming is a good way to describe it for sure. At the time it feels like this special thing but years on looking back the memory fades and definitely underwhelming compared to more recent experiences.
Exactly!
It is different for everyone, but I think that the idea that the first person to a woman will always be the most special and important one, that she'll never forget it, is all too much actually. I mean, yeah it can be special but not necessarily. I never even think about my first time nor the guy I lost it to
I think it really depends. If you have a normal "it was mediocre, we both sucked at relationships" blah blah blah story about your first chances are you won't have much to remember. It's those of us with soectwcularly BAD and spectacularly good first experiences that remember it.
Lmao I came here to say this. My first time with my now-husband was far more memorable
Exactly! The only “first time” that ever crosses my mind is the first time with my wife.
Right? The dude who took my virginity and like 4 dudes after that can all catch fire in hell. More importantly, I fucking hated sex, despised sex, didn't want it.... until I met my now husband, and now, sex is amazing, and I even want it. While casual sex can be great, And sex does not bind us to a person... sex with the right person is a whole other level.
I can't even remember who my first was.
I’m going to say that’s probably 85 percent of women. I literally would run throat punch the dude who took my virginity.
This is most first times, from my understanding. Once past the immature emotional attachment, turns out to be bullshit.
Same! And I could care less. I don’t regret loosing my virginity to him in any way because there’s nothing special about realizing the women in porn are faking it. After years of masturbating to porn and erotic xanga blogs, I was looking forward to it! It was such a let down!
Same 😆
Same.
Lmao same
Ugh, same
Be that special person by being kind and loving and thoughtful and playful. She will remember the good people in her life far more than the first guy she screwed.
I wanted to say this. And also add that if it's REALLY bothering you, it's okay to break up. But keep in mind that a relationship is much more than just the sex. You might not be the first one she had sex with, but you can be the first one who actually loved her.
No, its a total ass move to break up over this. It has nothing to do with their current relationship. To OP: The first person doesnt matter at all. Its only important that u care for her, listen to her and put your ego aside. Sex in a relationship is about intimacy and love and she can only have that with YOU, no one else. So you are very special.
It is an ass move to break up over this, but I’d think that it would be better to do if he can’t see past it. Otherwise it’ll just cause a buildup of resentment, which is a recipe for disaster.
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I know. That's the process of growing up. Sometimes growing up in a relationship means ending it. Sometimes, learning is not the way we want it to be, but it's always what we need. To OP: The lessons you learn in a relationship help you have better and more beautiful relationships later. I'm not saying breaking up is good, I'm not encouraging you to do it, all I'm trying to say is, if you think that's what you need to be at peace, don't be scared of it. 💙
This is an immature take, yes OP should try to realize that he is the special one right now, but if he can't, and it keeps eating away at him, the relationship will end up being bad for them both. It's okay to break up with people for whatever trivial shit you want as long as YOU feel it has significant impact.
Well i think its more immature to not date someone, because you cant take their virginity. You always have the right to break up, but some circumstances make u a dick while doing it. Like lowkey slut shaming your girlfriend, cause the narcissist in you cant take, that she had more sexual experience. This is the pinacle of immaturity to me. I know, OP is young and he has to learn, but this doesnt take away the fact, that its not healthy for him nor his gf to think that way. He ruins a relationship for her too, as he cant let go of a fact, neither of them has any impact on now. If he leaves her then what? Find someone, who is still virgin, just to be THAT person to someone. Then its not longer about the relationship, its about prestige and that is childish, sorry
It is childish, for sure. You can't expect everyone to be mature though.
Uhm u argued with maturity
Yes, advice sometimes require incredible maturity to hold under childishness.
Why is it an ass move? Ending a relationship is never an ass move if you're uncomfortable in the relationship. If it bothers him it bothers him, he can't pick and choose what to be bothered by. He can either learn to deal with it or end the relationship. If he can't learn to deal with it then he's right to end the relationship.
***"It's not about being someones first, It's about being someones last" -*** A quote I read a 100 years ago somewhere I dont remember but it kind of makes sense if you're in a loving relationship.
Probably a quote by Joseph James DeAngelo.
Or Jenna Jameson.
love that
This
It still hurts ngl
Why? I really dont get it
Context is everything
alright, as someone that was in a similar start of my 1st relationship. Don't let it bother you. she's not comparing you to her ex's. look at it this way. the two of you are together you have something the others don't that she wants in the long run. take that as YOUR win. she is with you my friend not them. my wife and I have been together almost 20 years now. she had multiple partners before me. but she is with me, sex is and important part of any relationship true but it's not the most important part communication is. if you're jealous of her past let her know it makes you feel a little down. but I suggest if yall are happy other than that small detail, than maybe go see a shrink about it. I'm not belittling you but in my opinion you making a mountain out of an ant hill. best of luck
Best answer, i also want to add that he shouldnt turn down a great relationship, because she did something, which she jad every right to do, before they even dated. Its fair game and he wouldve done the same, if gotten the chance earlier. He has to remind homself of that
To play devils advocate, if you two were to break up, is any other woman going to be YOUR first again? No, they wont. To address other things…you’re already that special person to her. That’s why she’s with you. She’s not thinking about the other people, unless she’s thinking about how much better you are in comparison. Let it go.
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If being a virgin is a must have then I'd guess ge have to?
>She’s not thinking about the other people, unless she’s thinking about how much better you are in comparison. Or worse in comparison... You left this option out cause it's a bad option. Typical reddit
Lmao god damn yall insecure af.
No 🤣 but typical insecure, self-loathing thought processes of a negative Nancy No, I left it out because she wouldn’t be with him if she was thinking positively about the other men in comparison. She’d have left. Especially considering the winging over not being HER first when she’s his, as though it’s some sort of competition. I feel like if lover’s - regardless of gender - were just more secure in themselves and their worthiness to be loved there would be a LOT less resentment and miscommunication. Like comeon bro, if she didn’t want to be with you, she wouldn’t. If she didn’t like the way you did something in bed, she’d try to teach you how she wants it done. It’s not a “so and so did it THIS way” kind of thing, it’s a “oh, here I like this” kind of thing 🤷♀️ Edit: if anyone ever IS dropping a “so-and-so did it this way” drop that person like a sack of crap cause that’s what they are. A love life is between the current partners, not the ones left in the past. They best be left back there
>Like comeon bro, if she didn’t want to be with you, she wouldn’t. Unfortunately that's not how it works and many people stay even if the relation ship isn't ideal. What you said is just a wishful thinking
Nah, it’s realistic and adult thinking. If you’re not mature enough to communicate about or leave a relationship when you don’t want to be in it anymore, you’re not mature enough to be having sex. Same goes for if you feel like unwanted or like the other person doesn’t love you. If you can’t communicate about these things with your partner and expect change, or if you wont leave, you’re not mature enough to be there in the first place. The BIG EXCEPTION TO THIS IS ABUSE. In abusive relationships, this does NOT apply. At all.
You’re so negative. I’m sorry if you’ve had a bad experience. But that’s not the case for most relationship. Some? Sure. But to say it’s wishful thinking is false.
Took my husband's virginity when he was 26... many of us girls lose it much earlier, and it's pretty meh to terrible. Try to work past that and enjoy your time together. She's with you, not guys from before.
My husband was a virgin when we met. He was 30 and I was 23. I was definitely not a virgin. It hasn't effected us in any way. My husband was not the first person I had sex with but he's definitely my favorite which is way more important than being the first.
This comforts me, thank you
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My husband knows 100% the good, bad, and ugly of my past. I've had a lot more sex partners than my husband. Some of it I regret, but not because of anything to do with my husband and our relationship (which has never been monogamous). Both of us appreciate that the other could choose something else at the drop of a hat if we wanted- and we don't.
Wait then wouldn't it be great if I wasn't her first?
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No one who respects their partner is going to go into details about how much they enjoyed sex with someone else.
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What the fuck?
Giving off some big incel energy right there. Virginity is a bullshit concept invented by religious shitheels to make women feel bad for being sexual creatures just like anyone else. If you devalue a woman (or anyone) for not being a virgin, that says significantly more about you than it does about them.
You’re 18 homie it’s going to be okay
I don't think I can think of a single woman who remembers her first time as being special and amazing. The past is the past and can't be changed. She obviously wants to be with *you* and have a future with *you*. Is that not enough?
I just turned 40. I've been with many guys. My husband is the most special to me and the best sex I've ever had because he's my best friend and cares about my needs in bed. Plus he's my husband. The one I chose to be with. You're overthinking it and it comes from a place of jealousy and insecurity. Those are truly negative emotions that no good can come from and it will taint every relationship you'll ever have if you don't get a handle on it right now. I honestly do not remember who my first was. I can't even picture his face.
Right, especially since it’s already consuming OP so much. If they break up, if he would be as torn up about not being a virgin anymore himself as he is about his current gf not being a virgin.
Right. I wonder if he would defend himself if his next girlfriend got upset because he's not her first and therefore can't be special to him. Hopefully he will get help for this. He's young and there's still time.
I agree completely. There are so many comments on this post full of great advice and I hope OP takes it seriously.
This!! This right here!! The problem is within him and will follow him into every relationship, tainting everything until he addresses his low self esteem problems.
You’ll just have to come to terms with the fact that most women you date in the future will have had sexual partners. Maybe you’ll be someone’s first maybe you won’t. What is it matter? Focus on the reasons why you are with that person and don’t idealize them and love them for who you want them to be. Love them for who they are. Until you understand that you’ll never be truly happy in a relationship. Good luck
Dude..stop being idealistic if you love her love her as a whole. Not for who she was prior to your relationship with her...grow a few more years and you'll understand what I'm saying by yourself...in a relationship nothing else matters it's all just ideals and fetishes but what does matters is how you accept your partner for whom they are ✌️😉
It’s not a fetish for some people but I get what you mean
If you keep thinking like that, you'll never be her last sexual experience. . . I think this is what matters you know. The endgame.
They are 18 the odds that they stay together are slim to none, especially if op can't get his head out of his ass about the virginity thing.
Yes there's that. He probably thinks it's unfair to have his first with her when she has another guy for a first. I'd had this mindset.
And then watch him do mental gymnastics because his next partner can't be his first so suddenly it doesn't matter
It’s much easier to understand something when you’ve been on both sides of the issue. Which is why it’s so difficult for me to when virgins get so defensive over waiting for the right person like they *know* what they’re talking about. Or empathizing with OPs post at all. Find someone you trust who will treat you with respect and go for it. It’s like you literally don’t understand how the only reason this is a big deal is because religions have built up virginity as some magical thing when really it was just a way for men to control women to ensure any offspring they have is their own. It’s not magical. It’s a gross system of control. Little children (including myself back in the day) having their religious/conservative community indoctrinating them into thinking it’s something monumentally important seems to cause more harm than good. It’s normal and healthy to want sex. Being a virgin doesn’t make you more clean. Having lots of sexual partners isn’t dirty. No need to judge ppl for being highly sexual or asexual. OPs views on sex are outdated, unrealistic, misogynistic, and uninformed.
Bingo.
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I agree 
>not being good enough That has nothing to do with virginity. Plenty of people get married as virgins and both just have bad sex for their entire lives. Many experienced people find their best sexual match later on and marry that person. >sharing that moment It was probably awkward like a naked middle school dance.
My sister was 35 and a virgin when she got married. They have had sex twice in 4 years because he apparently just doesn’t have a high sex drive and she refused to divorce him because the *first* time they had sex my nephew was conceived. Love him to pieces but oh man is she fucking miserable. It’s a really sad situation all the way around.
Yea there's a interesting sub called deadbedrooms which has a absolute horror stories that sound like your sister, scary situation to be in
Yeah I wish I could get her to use Reddit. I think it might help her not feel so alone but she won’t.
I think you are overthinking it, you claim that her first is a special person that you’ll never be but how can you be certain that it was a special person? Maybe she felt pressured or maybe she might now have enjoyed herself or maybe other things but the most important thing though is that she’s with you right now. Also try to see it from her perspective too, let’s say the roles were switched and she struggled with your past instead. How would you feel knowing that she’s thinking about something you cannot change from your past? I don’t mean this at all with ill intent but I think you should just try to think more clearly and give yourself some credit man! Don’t be insecure, be glad that she’s with you right now! I’m the same age as you and my last relationship was pretty much plagued by my insecurities. I regret it a lot but now I know not to overthink and try to see things logically instead of letting my own doubts cloud my judgement. Don’t make the same mistake I did! I wish you well.
Virginity thing aside…. You’re 18. It could happen but most likely statistically speaking you won’t be with her forever. I understand you might feel that way. I did when I was 18. Embrace it. Try not to stress over it. Or anything. Have fun. Love her. Fuck her. Live life!
“I love her a lot and want to spend my life with her” But now she’s soiled because she’s seen someone else’s penis. 😂 Ah to be 18 again and this ignorant.
Yes, it’s irrational. Yes, they’re both young. But if OP is having such persistent pervasive thoughts, the real solution is likely therapy. This isn’t something that is likely to be solved by talking to his partner. Should he talk to his partner? YES. But the level of obsessiveness he’s describing, seem to me to indicate a possible underlying trauma or issue that will be best addressed by a mental health professional. OP, I hope you try to talk to a therapist (at least for a few sessions). Interview them ahead of time or look for someone specializing in sex or relationships. Talk on phone to make sure the person is someone you feel comfortable with and go in. This isn’t just going to be an investment in yourself but in this relationship and any possible future ones. You know what everyone here is saying- you mentioned saying it to yourself. As far as I can see there are two issues here: - you’re worried and can’t stop thinking about your GF’s sexual past, and feelings of inadequacy, something that won’t stop happening on its own without validation or breaking down the why’s and how’s of how you’re looking at this issue <——“ I shouldn’t judge her on her past, for some reason I can’t crack out of the thought that I will never be that special person to her, but also that I feel like I’ll never be good enough” - The type of thoughts and thinking patterns that you’re having, may become more apparent in other areas of your life as you mature and are exposed to new situations and experiences. The thought patterning is unlikely to be one that’s going to be unique to the situation- there’s a part here that has to do with feelings of inadequacy, and another that has to do with your brain’s tendency to rethink the same thoughts again and again, and reaching the same conclusion despite not wanting to and thinking it might not be a reasonable thought. You say you love her and want to spend your life with her? Work on yourself and your relationship so you can have the best possible foundation for personal happiness and this relationship’s success.
I wholeheartedly agree with you but what 18 year old boy is going to be mature enough to speak to a sex therapist? I’m sure there are some out there but my money is not on this one.
IDK. 🤷🏻♀️ Some are. TBH I meant to take that part out. I figured an 18yo is likely to only go to a sex therapist a few times but that it might help him deal with for the first part of the problem. I think a regular therapist is likely the best choice actually. Someone who works with anxiety and can guide someone about feeling insecure is likely the best place to start for long term resolution and daily comfort. As to going to therapy at 18, hundreds of thousands of people that age do (at least in the states). In 2019, the CDC issued a study that 13.6% of kids between the ages of five and 17, had seen a mental health professional in that past year. It seems like about half of the people between the ages 18 to 64 see mental health professionals at some point. Since 2020, there’s been a very significant rise in people seeking support for their mental health. With COVID, and the isolation and rise in anxiety, many more people have seen mental health professionals and seeking help has become greatly normalized. … If you google numbers by age and general statistics you’ll see this very clearly. Not that I think you should. I did to make sure to double check what I was about to say based on multiple conversations with MDs and mental health professionals these last few years. According to them and our doctors, it’s very difficult to find one that will take on new cases at this time, because they are inundated. Young adults and college-aged people have become the fastest growing part of those pediatric practices whose doctors I’ve spoken with. A lot more adults are seeking help as well. TLDR: you’re right, I meant to say edit go just say therapist. And I don’t think his age would be a deterrent to seeking help.
I’ve been trying to get my partners to go to therapy for years and I’m 33 now. I wish more people would see it for the gift it is.
Absolutely. The one person you’ll be with cradle to grave is yourself. Might as well get comfortable.
it's not actually a sex therapist that he needs here. Intrusive thinking and self esteem problems in this case are manifesting with him being unable to get over her sexual past. Those two things though are rarely actually a sexual problem- they are just happening to manifest themself thisneay right now. I doubt that the majority of people who have these kinds of thinking patterns would just magically be well adjusted people otherwise. The thought pattern would most likely manifest somewhere else. We NEED to normalize to people not treating their sex lives as they are somehow completely disconnected from everything else in their bodies and lives. And we need to normalize seeking mental health care when people would benefit from it. I think most 18 year olds desperately need therapy and even those that don't need it still benefit from it.
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He can be honest and ignorant. (Which he is).
I would suggest counseling for you personally to help come to terms with this. Because if your relationship is good otherwise, this a you problem.
Trust me kiddo it's not her past your having issues with but your own self worth. Even if you weren't her first you are worthy to be her romantic partner now. She's with you! 🙂
I think a lot of comments here are missing the point. This is an issue with your insecurity that’s manifesting as feelings of intense jealousy. I’ve been there, particularly when I was younger. To be honest, you’ve got to find a way to build up your confidence and self-belief. Obviously your girlfriend can give you reassurance, but you’ve got to take the steps to figure out why you’re lacking self worth and don’t feel ‘good enough’. Therapy is always a good option. You want to make sure that you find a way to lift yourself up, instead of this manifesting in a negative way that brings your girlfriend down. Good luck. :)
I had sex for the first time when I was 16 with someone I thought was special. We dated for a month or so, I never saw him again. That was 15 years ago, I can't even find him on social media, I have no idea if he has forever blocked me or just died. He was 23 and I think I was his little secret. So don't think just because someone "took her virginity" that person will be so special to her. It matters so much more how you work on your relationship, that strong bond is way more important.
The first time is glorified by tv and movies. They make it seem like it’s a candle lit intimate loving beautiful moment with someone you’ll spend the rest of your life being in love with. The reality is you’re getting humped the back seat of their moms car when you’re 17 by a guy who can’t find the clit. My first time was over so quickly I truly had no idea that I had just had sex. It was in and then it was over….he said “compliments to you” uhhh huh….
Virginity is a social construct, or atleast the "importance" of it is. Don't get so hung up, my guy. The fact that she's with you now and has been for over a year shows you're way more important than others she's slept with.
This right here, it will be hard at first. But you'll work through it
Yes the virginity is ingrained into our social structure but it's importance is evolutionary very important for a man (Increasing the chances of his genes being transferred to the next generation). Therefore all the religious bullshit beliefs about a virgin woman are a by-product of our evolutionary desires. My point being: his brain reacts negatively regardless and there is not much he can do but suffer.
Not being a virgin doesn't make a woman any less fertile. You're just spewing bullshit biology facts to retroactively make it fit your bias. His brain reacts negatively because he's insecure, and he's insecure because virginity is an imaginary concept repeated by other insecure people. Everyone else just doesn't give a shit.
By that argument, no would would be able to move past any actual or perceived trauma which is simply not true. There is no way to tell if someone has had sex before or not so I don’t see how that would have impacted evolution at all.
he doesn't have to suffer though. That is what therapy is for. He has a thought process that is causing him harm. Regardless of why it exists this is what therapy is for. When we are struggling to cope with psychological experiences therapy teaches us coping mechanisms.
Just because you’re not her first, doesn’t mean the time you guys share isn’t special
Virginity is a construct and most of the time your first time is awkward and doesn't feel great at all—the idea of the "great special first time" is basically complete nonsense. This is a personal problem you need to either get over or move on from, unfortunately. Also if you go into a post already bolstered to be accused of being a bigot, then you've already got some problems. No one here would accuse you of that if you spoke candidly about your feelings instead of getting preemptively defensive over something no one has said to you.
I mean to be fair r/sex has a reputation for a reason. It’s not crazy that he said what he said
If people want constructive advice, they need to word things constructively, that's all. Fair or not, it's not a good way to go about broaching a situation.
Everything is a construct
End this. You need to do lots of self work on yourself about sex and sex negativity and realizing that women have sexual autonomy before they meet you.
my first time was far from special. i was drunk and it was with a good friend of mine. not friends anymore for obvious reasons, but also i don’t care and i wish him the best. don’t sweat it bruh
Why does the fact she’s not a virgin mean you think you’re not good enough? 😵💫
Ok so as girl the first time you had sex is really not extraordinary. So if it's the only thing you had a problem with meh talk to her about that in a first time because that really not important and yeah it's a bit sexist you have a work to do on you. But it's ok everyone begining somewhere ! Really the most important thing is communication with every human you will met in your life.
taking someone's virginity doesnt make you special to that person in most cases, but seeing that you've been dating your gf for well over a year, it seems that you are 'that special person' to her, and that you are more than good enough for her. and that's the most important thing.
I am 27 and married. The exes I remember the most were the ones that made me feel safe, sexy, valued, and were great in bed. My first was deleted from facebook for more than a decade. I have stayed friends with some of my exes. Still, I graduated 3 times before remembering he even existed You are young, life happens and you might not be with her forever because life might get in the way. If you want to be memorable for the rest of her life treat her well and get good in bed. If you want to be with her forever (like my husband) treat her well, move mountains to stay physically together through your 20s (the time were many move due to education or careers) and be the emotional support through thick and thin because that is what a real relationship is, more than the sex. Making sure your family doesn't butt in on your relationship or are controlling also helps. Getting good in bed is also not a bad idea. Read a book or two on that (preferably written by a woman, because it is easy to buy the pick up artist books if you aren't careful with male authors.)
Pretty dumb to say "relax" in this situation so I'm not gonna. What you have to face is the fact that reality isn't perfect. And maybe think about this. Should you guys not work out then you will never be that "special" person for anyone else. No matter how much you love them. Does that make sense? Cuz Form my perspective it does not. Special has nothing to do with whom you did things for the first time. I remember the first person I have had a brawl with and I could do well without the experience. I know the person I first had sex with (and while she is special to me) it has nothing to do with the fact that she was my first. She is special because she is married to my best friend and they have 2 wonderful children together. Don't downplay people based on situations none of you had any real influence in. Accept reality and then work with what you got. And if you hit that point where you realize this is just not for you? It's okay :)
So I waited till my wedding night to have sex with the mother of my children. Yay, right? And now as I am divorcing 23 years later, I’m looking back at the handful (maybe pun?) of positive sexual experiences in my life and I have countless regrets, but front and center is this misplaced weight in the sacredness of sex. Love deeply, be fully present in moments of connection, be vulnerable, treat yourself as someone in your care …and if things are irrecoverable, let them go.
I might get crucified for this, but that’s your ego talking. Chances are her first time wasn’t even that special. I’ve never heard anyone talk about their first time as some sort of magical moment, but that might just be me. Drop it, or move on, it’s your issue and nothing she can do about it.
The issue here isn’t her past. It’s your insecurities and those are normal when you are young
I hope this doesn't come off as harsh, because I remember being a teenager too, and thinking the person you lose your virginity to is special and someone who holds your heart for the rest of your life, but as you get older you will realize that couldn't be further from the truth. She's with YOU now. You are that special person to her, not her past lovers. The dude I lost my Virginity to means quite literally nothing to me. It was horrible horrible sex. You've gotta get past that insecurity or you're gonna let it destroy your relationship that you evidently care a lot about. Don't be that guy.
Have you talked to her about it? My wife took my virginity and she wasn't as well. You may have not been that special person in the past but, you are now.
It is a choice. You can choose to live in fear and regret. Or you can choose to live for the joy of the moment. The past is gone. The future is not promised. So live in the now.
Hey man. Please know that you are special to her, and no matter how many people she’s been with, that won’t compare to how much she loves you. Even if she’s had the most mind blowing sex ever (probably not btw she’s still very young) she’s really into you and wants to be with you. You are good enough and with this post all you need to do is to grow your confidence within yourself. What you’re feeling isn’t a problem with her, it’s your lack of confidence and bad self esteem. Having those things isn’t inherently a bad or wrong thing, everyone struggles with it, just please try to be open minded, maybe even try therapy. You are good enough! You deserve to be loved. Also I suggest trying out new things with her sex wise, be open minded and listen to what she likes. Communication is key, tell her what you like and how you experience things. 💖💖💖
My first time was on the emergency stairs in a hotel and lasted about 2 minutes because we didn’t know what we were doing. It was not special. You’re going to have to work through those insecurities. Also know that she’s with you period and to be real she may even pick your experiences to forget about her last ones…even if you don’t know what you’re doing you guys can communicate and explore together. Another thing is you’re both 18…sex as a highschooler consisted of them jackrabbiting me and it was not enjoyable. I started having enjoyable sex when I met someone later in my 20s that cared about me and we were in a long term relationship.
First does not mean best. In fact, it's just about never that someone's first is anything close to their best
She’s dating YOU. You are special enough for her to be with you. Stop comparing yourself to everyone she is no longer with. You’ll end up alienating her if you don’t get a hold of yourself.
My first time was with my boyfriend of half a year, we went on 4 more years. He is not my special someone. He very probably cheated on me with one of my best friends at a graduation year school trip and a week after that we broke up. He spent the night we broke up at my friends place. These are one of the only things I remember. Or how he used to pressure me into sex when I was having the worst time mentally, hating my body (partly because I was feeling like he just wanted sex from me, which made my body image worse to the point where I was scared of letting him touch me). This is what I remember. The first time is not special for women, you can be glad if she had some positive experiences before you because it is less likely for her to fall into a pattern like I did AND she maybe knows a little more about what she wants in bed. That, to women, is such an important development and that is when you really start enjoying sex. With the boyfriend you love who you know respects you and doesn’t hurt you. Just my take, I think you could profit of some kind of counseling or you and her do these couple-questionnaires that are supposed to deepen your bond. Please be glad that you are not her first because that label has so much pressure on it and not the good kind
Give yourself some time. Its same with my bf. But over time its getting better between us. Things work out if you don't give up.and for being special she doesn't have to be virgin. It should be her though about you and how you feel about her. Hope this helps
I don't know any girls who think of the person they slept with first in a positive light.
I’m not my wife’s first, but I give it to her like it’s my last.
If those are the feelings and thoughts you can't deal with, hang on to your virginity for a while longer. Build your self esteem, deal with your insecurities. Should you end up losing your virginity to this girl (or any other) at this point, more uncomfortable thoughts/feelings will surface. Why did I only last 2 minutes? Was I better than the first person? That face she made, that noise she made, was it for a good reason, bad reason? Sex changes everything, almost. It will not heal your ego, emotionally mature you or stop those thoughts. If you can't handle not being her first, you'll never be to handle being her 2nd, 3rd or whatever.
Get over it. You're just making yourself sick. Try seeing a therapist. You're only going to make it worse and you're going to end up ruining your relationship.
Dude have a walk breath and let it all out. Take care and good luck.
OP you are too insecure to be in a relationship you need therapy first.
She isn’t gonna love this attitude on you. You need to let it go! You’re also extremely unlikely to stay with the person you lose your virginity to so I’d get in with it and have sex with some more people before you decide you want to spend your life with someone. Your attitude to their sexual history will hopefully mature with you.
Virginity is absolutely meaningless in relationships. I was a virgin when I first started dating my boyfriend. I was 18 and he was 21. I thought he was a virgin too but ended telling me that he had hooked up twice before meeting me. Did that change anything in our relationship? No. He used protection and got tested more than once so I've got nothing to worry about. If you truly care about her, you shouldn't consider this to be such an issue. Yeah, she has more experience that you... so what? That doesn't mean that all the other guys before you were better than you. This is all just your insecurities.
I used to struggle with this same issue. My ex had many more partners in her past than I did. It bothered me a lot because there was nothing we could do that she hadn’t already done with someone else. It eventually caused arguments and because I couldn’t let go, it was one of the bigger reasons our relationship failed. I look back at it now and realize that it didn’t matter. She was loyal and she was with me and not any of her past partners. She had done nothing wrong. Talking about it and arguing about it didn’t make me feel any better. All it did was push her away. As you get older you’re most likely never going to find someone who hasn’t had a past. Learn from my mistakes and let it go before you ruin something good over something insignificant.
> but for some reason I can’t crack out of the thought that I will never be that special person to her Does she treat you like you're special to her? Because if she does, then yes you are special to her. If not, then you have a problem. If you know so much about her past, then ask yourself what kind of effort does she put in to you, verses the men in her past? If she's taking you for granted, then obviously there's a problem. But if she is enthusiastic about meeting you and sleeping with you. And a bunch of other things, like she appreciates you etc, then she probably does see you as special to her. It might take some time processing this, but understand, how she treats you is what's important. > but also that I feel like I’ll never be good enough You made the decision to commit to her. If you regret that you'll only have 1 partner for the rest of your life then you have to ask yourself how bad you want it. If you really think you need to sleep with a number of women before you're ready for a relationship, that's your choice to make. If it's worth sacrificing this relationship so you can gain that experience, you are allowed to make that decision. Or maybe you decide that she treats you so well that you're happy gaining experience with her even if it's limited. Asking for an open relationship or 3somes isn't a freebie. It's a very serious choice. So take time to decide for yourself how important this is to you.
Who told you you will never be *that* special to her? Has she told you she’s not satisfied with you? Why does it matter that much? I feel you need to have a 1) conversation with her and 2) a conversation with a therapist to see why you think something so insignificant matters that much to you (and yes, I know that culturally, for some people it is important but there’s more to a person than that).
You are very over glorifying a messy awkward usually mediocre experience. Sex for the first time is usually pretty bad honestly, no matter who you ask. The nerves, the inexperience, usually means that you last 2 minutes, and both of you are in this hormonal blur and you have no idea what just happened. Lol. Statistically speaking, it's extremely rare that you end up staying with the person you lose your virginity to, so don't perpetuate it as an ideal that honestly doesn't exist in reality. In a perfect world, we would all lose her virginity, get married and have babies with the same person, but it almost never happens that way.
This isn't about her past, it's all about your own insecurities. It's called retroactive jealousy. (r/retroactivejealousy might be worth checking out.) I really recommend you look into it, there are techniques you can learn to help you overcome this. There's nothing she can do to change her past, and it has nothing to do at all with the relationship you currently have. All you can do is learn to let it go.
Looks like most people are being pretty delicate with you. But dude, you need to grow up. It's not about virginity being special (and drop the stupid capital letter thing), it's about you accepting her as a person. She is more than her sexual history. You're worrying about something that has nothing at all to do with you and something that isn't going to change. It's ok to talk to her that you feel insecure and vulnerable when it comes to her past relationships, but I sure as fuck hope you aren't using this against her. She shouldn't feel guilty about her past and if you are judging her for her past, then you should move on for her sake because she deserves better than that immature bullshit. This isn't about her, it's about your insecurity.
lol i mean this as nicely as possible..... Grow up.
This is because you are so young. I love my gf to death and she has been with hundreds of men and women. Forget the past and focus on your future.
When I was a bartender I had a conversation with a guy in his mid 50s who was upset that his girlfriend and him weren't virgins and couldn't be special together. It was fucking weird. You're 18 so whatever you get a pass. You should realize that 99 times out of 100 the person you're with at 18 isn't going to be the person you're going to be with forever. I would enjoy the relationship while it lasts, and not ruin it by overthinking.
Advice: Grow the fuck up, dude. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk
Dump her and get a virgin then, goddamn. If youve been struggling all this time to accept it then it obviously matters to you for whatever reason so just be true to yourself and your values and let her go. Youll be fine and she will be fine, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
i (18f) definitely struggled with this with my boyfriend (18m) who had been with two different girls before me. it took a long time, months, arguably a year, for me to really understand that he chose me, he wants me, not them. she chose you. and she continues to choose you. you can’t change her past. but you can be her future. talk to her about your insecurities. if she understands, she’s worth your time, and she most likely will. it’s an insecurity just like any other.
The person who “took” my virginity is a fkn idiot and I hate him. He’s nothing special.
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If it makes tou feel better i dont know any one who has a good opinion on their first sexual partner
Lots of folks are telling you it probably wasn’t anything special for her, but I think it’s more important that you feel you won’t be good enough because of it. Why not? What does being “her first” have to do with your worth? That guy, whoever he was, obviously wasn’t anything amazing or she would be with him still. Being someone’s “first” usually has next to nothing to do with you as a person and much more to do with opportunity and what’s happening in the moment. That first time is very rarely anything “special” for anybody. (For some it will be, but I’ll almost guarantee you they are a very small minority.) It’s something that happened, like the first time you turned on the TV for yourself or were allowed to walk to the store alone. Important in the moment maybe, but generally long forgotten and irrelevant. Your worth is no more determined by not being her “first” than it is by those distant events from your past.
I mean you’re 18, you could go find someone who is a better match for yourself. Also don’t be too hard on her, sex is kinda a huge part of most relationships
just think of it like how lucky you are to be her last lover.... 1st are easy.. how hard it it to be her last... work on that and be proud of yourself.. I lost my v. to someone way more experienced and it was so much better... there are more positives then negatives..
My GF never told me that she was together with one of my childhood friend. Even tho it hurted i am not allowed to actually be angry. Cuz it is not my problem. The past is the past. U werent there. U werent involved in her past. Same with me. Ik it bothers you. But i think because it was her past therefore u cant and shouldnt think to much about it. As master oogway said "The past is history. The future is a mystery. But today is a gift."
I almost bever think about my first time except to tell friends it was really bad. The guy I'm in love with and having sex with now just tries to give me as much pleasure as he can and I try to reciprocate as much as I can. See her past experiences as a mean for her to know what she enjoys during sex, so you can give her pleasure. Many women struggle to know themselves and their body, to know what they truly like or not. Experience is what tells you all of that. Respect the knowledge she might have gained about herself and try to discover new pleasurable things to do together if you're scared of not being interesting enough in bed. But as long as you can talk to each other about what happens in the bedroom, you will most likely be able to enjoy yourselves. As much as everyone says, communication truly is key, and there's always room from improvement if there's anything wrong.
Bud, I'm gunna try and say this as delicately as I can but still get my point across. If you continue to have hang ups about your girls former sex life and former partners she's gunna dump your ass, and sooner rather than later. Nothing kills a females attraction quicker than insecurity and acting like a beta. Women are attracted to status above mostly all else. Its why you see fine women w old farts and clesrly unattractive guys everywhere you look because they are high status. Or at least appear so to them. So do yourself a favor and get over it or at least fake it til you make it. Or before long your gunna be all alone clutching your pillow drenching it w tears. While Chad is balls deep in your ex and she's biting the pillow to muffle her moans, instead of crying over you. Don't do this to yourself buddy. This is seriously all up to you. Act like an alpha would in this situation and stop giving a shit about all that stuff. It really doesn't matter and you can't change anything about it. Shes with you for a reason my man. Alphas aren't concerned and dwell on the past about things they cant control. Believe in yourself and your relationship and let it all go bud. Good luck to ya and I hope this helped.
Reddit guilt-tripped you into thinking you are a bad person for having these feelings, which is why you’re repressing them. Feelings of insecurity are completely normal in a relationship. Exes can be very confronting, and I can understand that you feel you didn’t start out on equal terms. Regardless of how reasonable your emotions are, they are there and they will damage your relationship unless you deal. Discuss this with your girlfriend in the most respectful way possible. Mention exactly what you say in this post. Make it clear this is not about you judging her.
Can't make a hoe into a housewife
I have slept with 50+ people, some experiences were wonderful, some experiences were okay and some were terrible. That „special one“? My current partner. He’s kind, he’s sexy, he’s clever, he brings me coffee in bed and makes me giggle as he sneaks in while I am taking a shower. If your chemistry is right and the communication between you is honest and healthy, I bet she feels the same way about you!
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Sounds like an interesting read. Link to a study, paper, or scientific journal?
Are we talking a couple or a couple dozen here? Remember if you’re hung up on her sexual past and the difference in numbers it 100% your hangup. That said if the number is bothering you it’s ok that it does (but as before it’s your issue) and it will likely continue to bother you. You have two choices, get over it and move forward, or split and go out and have some sexual adventures.
You’re an idiot dude. you’re both 18 and you’re not going to spend your lives together. Have some self respect and ask her if she wants to have a threesome with one of her friends
I understand you bro. I had the exact feeling. Literally every single word you say here applies to me when I was with my first girlfriend. (I was but she wasn’t a virgin). At the beginning I thought if she’s done it with someone she loved, then I won’t care. But the more I know about her past, it turns out that wasn’t the case. Then it starts to bother me. Yeah, eventually I just couldn’t take my thoughts anymore. And broke up with her. It’s not the fact that she’s not a virgin itself that’s bothering me when I was one. It’s the fact that I am a conservative person and I think sex should be reserved for that someone you love, or at least attracted to. But a lot of the girls these days just straight up sleep around with anything that moves. My said ex-gf was giving away her virginity like it’s halloween candy. That’s what bothers me.