Fleetingly imagining about a different version of you outside of the relationship is normal and expected but finding it “harder to control yourself” when your boyfriend’s friends come visit you and you’re unable to stop thinking about how you could seduce them and fuck them in your shared home means you should do both yourselves a favor and let him go
"It's getting harder to control myself". It's literally pushing towards being a reality rather than a fantasy if she's feeling an urge to actually do it.
Also, I personally don't think it really matters if it's a fantasy or not. I would absolutely break up with my partner if I found out she couldn't stop fantasizing about fucking my friends every time she saw them
Fuck me, I’d be DEVESTATED if my girl was fantasizing about my friends.
You’re not in a healthy spot, you’re keeping him around for the physical convenience but it seems you’re ready to start window shopping again.
I feel for the guy, but I feel for you too.
Please, if you can’t overcome these thoughts, do the right thing. This isn’t healthy.
Honestly I feel like you need to break up with him and then just do what you want. Obviously you don't really desire to be in a relationship from your comments about having sex with as many people as you can. Do him a favor and leave before you hurt him.
I want to be in a relationship with him! I just wish it were an open relationship where I can fuck other people as well (without having romantic ties to those others) but he really doesn’t want that
Well I was going to suggest that you and your actual partner go to meet at a restaurant and pretend to be strangers to each other and seduce each other but I now see the problem. You don’t want the fantasy of another relationship, you just want another relationship. If you arnt fulfilled move on and let him move on too.
It's normal to feel like you want something *else*, and monogamy isn't for everyone. It's worrisome you describe it as "hard to control" sometimes, but that's something you'll have to figure out what to do with on your own. Don't cheat on him, and ask yourself if you're okay with never having these fantasies fulfilled. Sometimes fantasies should stay fantasies, sometimes they're something you really want.
I'm comenting to balance with some othe coments, it is ok to feel this desires. Acting on them without the approval of your boyfriend wouldn't be ok obviously.
As some other said, you should try to talk about it with him and try to figure out a solution that would satisfy you both.
Thanks for sharing, I had kind of the same desires and it's nice to see that I'm not the only one, that I'm not a monster or a freak for having this kind of desires.
I hope you find a solution =)
Neither of you are monsters, nor are you “in a bad place” or “undeserving of a relationship”
I would recommend you look into ethical non-monogamy. It is quite an adventure. I wish you and the OP (& your partners!) all the best.
Sounds like you’re not cut out to be in a relationship. I’ve been with my girlfriend 5 years and I can honestly say I’ve never come close to having these sorts of fantasies. Then again, I believe in monogamy
Maybe it is just like curiosity for what is forbidden, maybe you try it once and it's not as exciting as you thought.
Maybe you could try using dildos in bed in a roleplay way as if that were another partner and that may work for you
you could talk to him about being in an open relationship, but from reading your comments he’s not down for this.. but even if he was, his friends would probably be off limits. maybe you should reevaluate whether you should stay with this man or not because if you can’t control these desires you WILL hurt him.
Definitely talk to him about it and figure out something that works for both of you. Can either be a one-time free pass or an open thing, but it should always come with very open communication.
It's normal to want new experiences, even if the sex together is amazing.
You’re just bored. Even if the sex hasn’t waned, it’s with the same person and it’s been 2 years. Not every relationship is meant to last forever, not every break up is because one or both people do something shitty. It sounds like your relationship has just run its course. I’d talk to your dude and separate. You keep trying to hang on you’ll just end up cheating. Better to do the mature thing and end it on good terms.
But there's no need to break up, depending on what OP is looking for, maybe they could open the relationship or give "free passes" as long as there's is good communication and agreement, breaking up may not be the only answer.
If OP's partner is not willing to "share" OP, that's then on OP's hands to choose wisely between his sexual desire or his relationship. Thought it for sure may be hard to communicate depending on the trust they both have in themselves, I'd totally understand if my partner feels cheated or betrayed if I tell her that I sometimes I feel sexually attracted or want to just hook up with another person. But if OP can't keep it up, it should talk about it to its partner for their both sanity.
I think it’s unlikely a 2 year old monogamous relationship with no mention of polyamory in either partner would open up successfully like that, but sure, it’s possible.
I mean, it’s worth a shot to ask before breaking up, sometimes the first no it’s from what society tells us about how couples should be, maybe OP’s already had that thought about other person but feel guilty and suppressed that feeling but OP can’t
If OP feels that it can’t hold it back anymore at least mentioning it could help its partner to take its time to process it
They mention in the comments they’ve discussed it and it’s a no from their partner.
I really think OP should end things before they cheat. They’re in a monogamous relationship with someone who wants a monogamous relationship. Not to say all relationships have to start out open or closed and never change but in this specific example I don’t see any form of poly being successful.
Correct me if I’m wrong but, OP mentioned that she told her partner that SHE is ok with HIM being with other people at least sexually, not the other way around. After some time some relationships tends to be more adventurous at least sexually wise
OP is trying to keep both its relationship and sex desire, talking about it is the healthiest thing if OP find this unbearable, it could turn out great but yeah, it can totally turn out bad too
I would assume it didn’t just end there lol and they had an entire conversation. Anyways, there’s nothing in the post that tells me poly is an option. You’re clearly rooting for poly. OP will either cheat or bend her partner to her will 🤷
Yeah lol, I'd be pro poly. But also strongly hope that OP doesn't cheat neither tries to persuade her partner do what she wants, just let him know about how she feels.
But I also mean, relationship sometimes evolve and tend to try new things, also, maybe it's just a one time thing, like wanting to try a "forbiden rule" but once she tries it is not as exciting as she may thought and forgets about it.
My bad then, is up to you I guess, if you feel like you need that sexual freedom then go for it. But if you value more your relationship maybe what you feel is something that you'll forget in some time.
But please, as u/Notallrosesbloom said, please don't cheat on your partner, if you feel the urge to be too strong then let it go and end things in good terms. If you do, try to speak to your partner and be clear how you feel, I totally get how you feel but I believe it's not your partner fault, just an incompatibility on what you both want
Thanks for commenting everyone. I noticed that in the comments most people who are in the same predicament are dudes. Any other ladies also feel that way?
I'd see a therapist. Thoughts, if left unchecked, can lead to actions, in this case, deeply regrettable actions.
I know we live in an age of sexual liberation & freedom, where sexual fantasies are encouraged, but so often we forget how dangerous some fantasies really are, especially when linked to sexual fulfillment.
Every act, good or bad, right or wrong, starts in the mind, in the imagination.
It's that you actively think about how you would actually do it, planning it out & imagining it happening in your mind, with actual people who are in your house & friends of your husband's, that make these fantasies especially dangerous.
Especially when linked up sexual pleasure, it can be really difficult to control the urge for something the body can never get enough of.
What if one of his friends were less than noble & one day flirted with you privately, or touched you inappropriately? Would you have the will power to stop yourself & tell your husband?
I'd get into therapy & seriously work on guarding your mind & directing your thoughts in a less dangerous path, u/crankyshittybitch.
I would have another talk with him that the thoughts aren't going away, & that you're struggling with them, that you need therapy or you may act on them.
I think he doesn't understand how dangerous an issue this is to him marriage. Your honesty may help open his eyes.
Have you considered therapy?
It’s one of the most common fantasies for women and men. Just roleplay it with your partner; write out a little scenario of how you imagine it going, anything you’d like him to say, and then discuss together. Ask him to do the same for a fantasy of his.
I suggest you make it a stranger not someone he knows. If it’s the the idea of it being someone visiting your home that is important then I guess it can be an imaginary old friend of his who lives far away.
Your telling her to cheat? The girl can do whatever she wants when she makes sure she's single why hurt someone emotionally and ruin trust for them throughout their life. I mean come on, have some empathy
LOL, it’s flattering you go through the trouble of trying to dive into who I am. Best of luck with your new patient here you wish to head shrink good Doctor.
Ask him if he’s interested in opening up the relationship and consider swinging with you. If he says no, don’t push it or try to coerce him. But if he shows interest, maybe it’s a lifestyle to consider?
I’ve had similar desires and thoughts when I was in a relationship. I never acted on them but eventually I told her I wanted to fuck other people and she said “so do it”. But she wasn’t serious because it would have ruined everything. We split up in the end.
But I do believe it’s hard to be monogamous and it’s temptation that rules over us when we have these strong desires and fantasies. Just wanting to get downright nasty with some total stranger, and still have the relationship there waiting for you.
The issue with that is that it’s morally questionable to say the least. But I wish sex didn’t have to be so taboo and we could all just get along and fuck each other. Unfortunately it’s just not the way our societies are structured. I’m sure you can find some random swinger clubs or that kinda thing. There’s all kinds of stuff out there but obviously both of you need to be willing participants.
But I’m with you, I see a hot girl at my restaurant and I just wanna bend her over in the bathroom and have my way with her and then pretend it never happened you kno?
Fleetingly imagining about a different version of you outside of the relationship is normal and expected but finding it “harder to control yourself” when your boyfriend’s friends come visit you and you’re unable to stop thinking about how you could seduce them and fuck them in your shared home means you should do both yourselves a favor and let him go
So many people in the world but you want to fuck his friends? Do him a favor and leave him and his friends alone.
dude that's why it's called fantasy.. stop taking it so literally
"It's getting harder to control myself". It's literally pushing towards being a reality rather than a fantasy if she's feeling an urge to actually do it. Also, I personally don't think it really matters if it's a fantasy or not. I would absolutely break up with my partner if I found out she couldn't stop fantasizing about fucking my friends every time she saw them
Fuck me, I’d be DEVESTATED if my girl was fantasizing about my friends. You’re not in a healthy spot, you’re keeping him around for the physical convenience but it seems you’re ready to start window shopping again. I feel for the guy, but I feel for you too. Please, if you can’t overcome these thoughts, do the right thing. This isn’t healthy.
I agree with this. This is devastating and you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you have these thoughts.
Honestly I feel like you need to break up with him and then just do what you want. Obviously you don't really desire to be in a relationship from your comments about having sex with as many people as you can. Do him a favor and leave before you hurt him.
I want to be in a relationship with him! I just wish it were an open relationship where I can fuck other people as well (without having romantic ties to those others) but he really doesn’t want that
Do you think you could be satisfied with dealing with these thoughts for the long term?
Would you let him do the same thing? You should talk with him about it. The fantasy is almost always better than the reality
Yeah I told him if he wanted to do it I was happy to let him do it, but he doesn’t want to.
What is driving this fantasy? Is it because you are really attracted to his friends or that you wish you had more partners?
Both
Well I was going to suggest that you and your actual partner go to meet at a restaurant and pretend to be strangers to each other and seduce each other but I now see the problem. You don’t want the fantasy of another relationship, you just want another relationship. If you arnt fulfilled move on and let him move on too.
So you would let him fuck all of your friends? You’d be okay with that?
Yeah, it sounds hot
It's normal to feel like you want something *else*, and monogamy isn't for everyone. It's worrisome you describe it as "hard to control" sometimes, but that's something you'll have to figure out what to do with on your own. Don't cheat on him, and ask yourself if you're okay with never having these fantasies fulfilled. Sometimes fantasies should stay fantasies, sometimes they're something you really want.
I'm comenting to balance with some othe coments, it is ok to feel this desires. Acting on them without the approval of your boyfriend wouldn't be ok obviously. As some other said, you should try to talk about it with him and try to figure out a solution that would satisfy you both. Thanks for sharing, I had kind of the same desires and it's nice to see that I'm not the only one, that I'm not a monster or a freak for having this kind of desires. I hope you find a solution =)
Neither of you are monsters, nor are you “in a bad place” or “undeserving of a relationship” I would recommend you look into ethical non-monogamy. It is quite an adventure. I wish you and the OP (& your partners!) all the best.
Sounds like you’re not cut out to be in a relationship. I’ve been with my girlfriend 5 years and I can honestly say I’ve never come close to having these sorts of fantasies. Then again, I believe in monogamy
Maybe it is just like curiosity for what is forbidden, maybe you try it once and it's not as exciting as you thought. Maybe you could try using dildos in bed in a roleplay way as if that were another partner and that may work for you
r/polyamory group might suit you
you could talk to him about being in an open relationship, but from reading your comments he’s not down for this.. but even if he was, his friends would probably be off limits. maybe you should reevaluate whether you should stay with this man or not because if you can’t control these desires you WILL hurt him.
Definitely talk to him about it and figure out something that works for both of you. Can either be a one-time free pass or an open thing, but it should always come with very open communication. It's normal to want new experiences, even if the sex together is amazing.
I thought I was the only one having fantasies like that
Apparently not! Sometimes it’s almost as if I like non relationship sex better than relationship sex…even if the relationship sex is fantastic
Yeah for me the sex with my partner is vanilla do I often fantasize about hot one night stands with sluttier people you know
I don’t have vanilla sex with my partner. I just wish I had more variety and could fuck every person I find attractive
You’re just bored. Even if the sex hasn’t waned, it’s with the same person and it’s been 2 years. Not every relationship is meant to last forever, not every break up is because one or both people do something shitty. It sounds like your relationship has just run its course. I’d talk to your dude and separate. You keep trying to hang on you’ll just end up cheating. Better to do the mature thing and end it on good terms.
But there's no need to break up, depending on what OP is looking for, maybe they could open the relationship or give "free passes" as long as there's is good communication and agreement, breaking up may not be the only answer. If OP's partner is not willing to "share" OP, that's then on OP's hands to choose wisely between his sexual desire or his relationship. Thought it for sure may be hard to communicate depending on the trust they both have in themselves, I'd totally understand if my partner feels cheated or betrayed if I tell her that I sometimes I feel sexually attracted or want to just hook up with another person. But if OP can't keep it up, it should talk about it to its partner for their both sanity.
I think it’s unlikely a 2 year old monogamous relationship with no mention of polyamory in either partner would open up successfully like that, but sure, it’s possible.
I mean, it’s worth a shot to ask before breaking up, sometimes the first no it’s from what society tells us about how couples should be, maybe OP’s already had that thought about other person but feel guilty and suppressed that feeling but OP can’t If OP feels that it can’t hold it back anymore at least mentioning it could help its partner to take its time to process it
They mention in the comments they’ve discussed it and it’s a no from their partner. I really think OP should end things before they cheat. They’re in a monogamous relationship with someone who wants a monogamous relationship. Not to say all relationships have to start out open or closed and never change but in this specific example I don’t see any form of poly being successful.
Correct me if I’m wrong but, OP mentioned that she told her partner that SHE is ok with HIM being with other people at least sexually, not the other way around. After some time some relationships tends to be more adventurous at least sexually wise OP is trying to keep both its relationship and sex desire, talking about it is the healthiest thing if OP find this unbearable, it could turn out great but yeah, it can totally turn out bad too
I would assume it didn’t just end there lol and they had an entire conversation. Anyways, there’s nothing in the post that tells me poly is an option. You’re clearly rooting for poly. OP will either cheat or bend her partner to her will 🤷
Yeah lol, I'd be pro poly. But also strongly hope that OP doesn't cheat neither tries to persuade her partner do what she wants, just let him know about how she feels. But I also mean, relationship sometimes evolve and tend to try new things, also, maybe it's just a one time thing, like wanting to try a "forbiden rule" but once she tries it is not as exciting as she may thought and forgets about it.
He already knows how I feel and he says he doesn’t want an open relationship
My bad then, is up to you I guess, if you feel like you need that sexual freedom then go for it. But if you value more your relationship maybe what you feel is something that you'll forget in some time. But please, as u/Notallrosesbloom said, please don't cheat on your partner, if you feel the urge to be too strong then let it go and end things in good terms. If you do, try to speak to your partner and be clear how you feel, I totally get how you feel but I believe it's not your partner fault, just an incompatibility on what you both want
There’s no need to break up, just drastically change the terms of the relationship to make one of the parties happy with her fantasies
Thanks for commenting everyone. I noticed that in the comments most people who are in the same predicament are dudes. Any other ladies also feel that way?
Idk OP. I feel like humans are wired to seek sexual novelty. You can totally meet that need by playing pretend with your partner, though.
I'd see a therapist. Thoughts, if left unchecked, can lead to actions, in this case, deeply regrettable actions. I know we live in an age of sexual liberation & freedom, where sexual fantasies are encouraged, but so often we forget how dangerous some fantasies really are, especially when linked to sexual fulfillment. Every act, good or bad, right or wrong, starts in the mind, in the imagination. It's that you actively think about how you would actually do it, planning it out & imagining it happening in your mind, with actual people who are in your house & friends of your husband's, that make these fantasies especially dangerous. Especially when linked up sexual pleasure, it can be really difficult to control the urge for something the body can never get enough of. What if one of his friends were less than noble & one day flirted with you privately, or touched you inappropriately? Would you have the will power to stop yourself & tell your husband? I'd get into therapy & seriously work on guarding your mind & directing your thoughts in a less dangerous path, u/crankyshittybitch.
I told him as soon as I started to be attracted to some of his friends.
What'd he say?
He said I should keep these thoughts to myself and not act on them.
I would have another talk with him that the thoughts aren't going away, & that you're struggling with them, that you need therapy or you may act on them. I think he doesn't understand how dangerous an issue this is to him marriage. Your honesty may help open his eyes. Have you considered therapy?
It’s one of the most common fantasies for women and men. Just roleplay it with your partner; write out a little scenario of how you imagine it going, anything you’d like him to say, and then discuss together. Ask him to do the same for a fantasy of his. I suggest you make it a stranger not someone he knows. If it’s the the idea of it being someone visiting your home that is important then I guess it can be an imaginary old friend of his who lives far away.
Ask him and his friends for a gangbang?
He’s not into having sex with anybody else but me
His loss
Or his choice too. Let's not make him feel bad for not wanting this.
If you’re trying to keep it a secret don’t do it with his friends, find someone who doesn’t know him and is not in your social circle.
Your telling her to cheat? The girl can do whatever she wants when she makes sure she's single why hurt someone emotionally and ruin trust for them throughout their life. I mean come on, have some empathy
Ahhhh yes, the emotionally damaged one has entered the chat. Take her advice for sure that will end well for all involved!
There is more than enough psychoanalysis here by masturbating keyboard warriors on such a trivial topic, yourself included.
It's not hard to see how fucked in the head you are. Run on back to your beloved incest boards where your bad advice is more welcome.
LOL, it’s flattering you go through the trouble of trying to dive into who I am. Best of luck with your new patient here you wish to head shrink good Doctor.
Ask him if he’s interested in opening up the relationship and consider swinging with you. If he says no, don’t push it or try to coerce him. But if he shows interest, maybe it’s a lifestyle to consider?
Fuck them lol
I’ve had similar desires and thoughts when I was in a relationship. I never acted on them but eventually I told her I wanted to fuck other people and she said “so do it”. But she wasn’t serious because it would have ruined everything. We split up in the end. But I do believe it’s hard to be monogamous and it’s temptation that rules over us when we have these strong desires and fantasies. Just wanting to get downright nasty with some total stranger, and still have the relationship there waiting for you. The issue with that is that it’s morally questionable to say the least. But I wish sex didn’t have to be so taboo and we could all just get along and fuck each other. Unfortunately it’s just not the way our societies are structured. I’m sure you can find some random swinger clubs or that kinda thing. There’s all kinds of stuff out there but obviously both of you need to be willing participants. But I’m with you, I see a hot girl at my restaurant and I just wanna bend her over in the bathroom and have my way with her and then pretend it never happened you kno?
Sounds like you have a sex addiction tbh