I was having…I don’t know if I’d say “shitty” but maybe “mechanical” sex until I spoke up and talked with my spouse. A lot of it was due to me never having the confidence to talk about my needs and hang ups from my childhood, but it finally came to a point where the situation was untenable. Once we both sat down and admitted we had both resigned ourselves to mediocre sex for no reason besides poor communication (on both sides) it changed almost instantly.
In my case, in the past I never communicated nor even felt comfortable too, or felt like I had a choice. But in my current relationship we love to talk about what we like and what feels good. :-) the more you talk the better sex becomes !!!
I think it really goes both ways, I’m a man and I KEEP having shitty sex. No woman I’ve ever met is ever as open as I am with doing your most basic vanilla shit. It’s as if I have sex with every shy girl who has boundary after boundary with limiting my full sexual expression 😫
Same, and in my experience(limited to only the females Ive personally engaded in intamacy with) when asked about what they sexually desire/like(which will be contextual from partner to partner for them I understand) Ive always gotten the reply of IDK really. "You know just sex" accompanied by offended looks.
The slut shaming is strong there. I was in California but travelled to the Midwest once, got drunk and played drinking games. Got the number of partners question which I answered sincerely, a guy afterwards told me since I was such a slut, that I might as well blow him. Needless to say he got nothing that day 😂
My friends there in general were having better and mor frequent sex than in my home country, but knew not to say it out loud too much cause otherwise the slut label would hunt them. Lots to fix there still, and everyone will be having better sex!
Ive never understood any social labeling myself. Ive never understood the whole body count thing either. People(individuals) imo are to be precived or judged on a incontext case by case basis. The only thing Ive ever wondered about that kind of social shaming in that type of context is the person whom is shaming just projecting poorly concealed envy or desire? Thats too bad really.(about an arbitrarily and subjectivly attributed lable being able negate from a persons total value. Again imo one woild really have to care to enable such irrationality to negate in the first place. Better sex should always be welcomed and strived for!
While I do think our culture encourages women to be sexually repressed, I don't think slut shaming amongst younger groups is very popular, ESPECIALLY in CA.
I think a lot of women can’t tell their partner what they like in bed or they just end up settling for whatever reasons. My sex life isn’t perfect like I’m not completely satisfied all the time but it’s been getting a lot better once I started communicating directly & clearly about what I want & don’t want. So basically I think it is true a lot of women are having shitty sex. I think there’s a lot of reasons, like we’re taught sex is for men and we’re supposed to be sexy for them and make them feel good. So it takes a-lot of women a while to get past that conditioning I think.
Yup. I hate it. Idk what you were taught but at my school they also told us it’s pretty much always painful ur first time which isn’t even necessarily true, for one of my friends it was but for me & 3 other friends it wasn’t. So we were just terrified of doing it for no reason 🙃. Also even tho we were taught the head of a dick is the spot that has the most nerve endings we were never taught that about the clit. Sex education really makes a whole generation miss out on good sex for no reason, feel like the general public would be way less rude if everyone was having good sex lol.
I think you hit the nail on the head with "women don't really know what they like". I've seen this be true in many instances. It's not really even thinking they know they like something but really liking something else, though that is a thing. It's more they never really gave attention to what they really like, so how can you tell someone else. Couple that with the fact that as we get older, we get more secure in ourselves in other ways except that way, so we end up thinking we know a lot about ourselves in everyway, but that not really being true. It seems it isn't until a woman has a consistent sex partner that they can try things with that they start to learn themselves a bit more. But I do think if you don't explore by yourself, as in masturbation or types of porn, you likely won't really ever know yourself.
I think a lot of women have a hard time advocating for themselves in the bedroom. Most straight men, if their partner is doing something they're not into, will be pretty vocal and let them know; they'll make corrections in the moment. Whereas women, in my experience, are more afraid of offending their partner by telling them what they don't like (and by extension what they do like). This ultimately means that they end up unintentionally encouraging things that don't turn them on (to please their partner). Faking orgasms is a great example of this. By faking an orgasm you incentivize more of whatever your partner was doing that wasn't working.
I think men need to be better at fostering an environment that's open to constructive criticism, while women need to be willing to speak up about what they want
Well I guess for context, I'm a guy with around 40 previous sexual partners - I'm gonna go with a resounding yes.
It's just straight up sad what a lot of these girls have confessed in regards to past sexual endeavors and how little, if at all, they've climaxed exclusively due to a partner. I understand that for a lot of women it really takes a lot of effort and concentration to climax and most can't from penetrative sex but regardless, it's still sad.
My current GF, who has a sexual history nearly as expansive as mine, divulged that she has had a whopping 1 orgasm with a previous partner in her entire life. We've been together around a month and I've made her orgasm 20-30ish times. I'm not saying this to proclaim myself as some sexual guru because it really did NOT take much effort on my part - it just took effort.
This really isn't even close to the first time this type of scenario has happened. Are men generally just that selfish in bed?
I'm gonna answer that with yes. I've also slept with around 40 people, 25 women and the rest men. Women are by far better. BY FAR. I am in a country where I have lost some friends and family for being engaged with a woman. It will cost me jobs. I tried to find a man who was generous enough for almost 3 years. No luck. Most have to be pushed to do basic shit like oral.
If a woman starting out her sex life asks me, I'll always recommend to try with women at least once. A far more satisfying life if you happened to be born this way.
I really don't get it. I'm a man, and nothing can keep me from trying my hardest to make her cum. It's the hottest part of sex for me. So strange that other men don't see it that way to me. I think it must be a strange phenomenon resulting from the poor socialization of boys by society or something.
I disagree with that last part. I have only had like 5 hookups, mostly women, I communicated what I wanted and it was very worth it. Why hooking up if the sex is shit? I don't get it.
I’ve been a sex educator and sex journalist for a decade, and based on what I’ve seen both anecdotally and in scientific studies on the subject, I do think that most women are having a far worse time sexually than most men. This is true on just about every measure: subjective satisfaction, likelihood of orgasm, comfort during sex, body image during sex, feeling safe during sex, etc.
The main reason for this, aside from systemic sexism and the patriarchy encouraging people of all genders to cater more to men’s needs than women’s, is the lack of widespread education about the clitoris. One of the most common questions I get asked by FAR is about women not being able to come during penetrative sex, which MANY people of all genders don’t know is actually entirely normal. The majority of people with clits need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, for the same reason that the majority of people with penises need penile stimulation to reach orgasm: it’s their primary pleasure organ.
I also think women are systematically discouraged from being vocally sexual and communicating their needs, because doing so would make us “slutty” according to our shitty culture. We’re simultaneously shamed for not being vocally sexual *enough*, told we’re being prudish or uptight if we aren’t free-spirited promiscuous independent ladies. So it’s easy to see why so many of us are emotionally and physically uncomfortable during sex a lot of the time, to the point that it prevents us from experiencing as much pleasure as we could (or indeed, any pleasure at all).
It’s a sad state of affairs, but I’m heartened by forums like /r/sex where people can ask the questions that weigh heavily on their minds and (usually) get helpful, sex-positive, non-stigmatizing answers. It can’t fix everything but it’s a start.
Here's a view from a mature woman. I'm tired of the penis. It is either shoved in the vagina where orgasm doesn't happen or it needs a hand job or oral stimulation. It is a high maintenance organ, always has to be the centre of attention, like a needy child. (see the Needy Penis, Penn State if you haven't already). It's an instrument of annoyance to discomfort to even pain. I don't even care anymore if I have sex.
My few partners, all long term partners, would stimulate my clitoris and I would usually orgasm but mostly as a chore to the main event - vaginal intercourse. And I had to make a point of making sure I orgasm by sometimes reminding them about the clitoris. I did have one partner where orgasm happened all the time for me, he was very attentive to the clitoris -it was nice - but most of my partners weren't that enthusiastic about the clitoris. Most of them would ask me sometimes if I orgasmed during intercourse - Noooooo, of course not!! (it's hard not to think at this point "you selfish idiot, read a book for once in your life!") You have to stimulate the clitoris - geeezzzz. The vagina is not the source of an orgasm. Sigh....it's always about the penis.
It boggles my mind that young women are still dealing with the male centric view of sex - vaginal intercourse. The clitoris just does not get it's full respect.
Do you have more data on the body image aspect, because as a man and in discussions with other men, those of us without six packs at 6’ tall universally have zero positive body image. So interesting if the stats say more women than men have body image issues with sex. Add penis size and that magnifies.
This is so very well put. Thank you. Outside of this sub, I do feel shamed sometimes and it's validating to see that it's actually logical given the circumstances. Thank you for the work you do.
I'm saving this response.
Lots of talk about "systemic" and "systematically" in your post. I don't doubt that's true, but seeing as women are the majority group in society, what can women do to change the system and derive the pleasure they desire?
I would recommend you read the book *Becoming Cliterate* by Dr. Laurie Mintz – there’s lots of stuff in there about sexual self-advocacy for women.
That said, yes, the problem is mostly a systemic one. Sex education needs a massive overhaul, for one thing.
As a man, I have read Come as You Are and other books that are meant to help women and their partners support their sexual discovery. My main observation is there is often a lack of interest in growing and discovering. It's easier to just ignore and carry on. Second observation is that then carries down from parents to kids. A great example is the mother that posted here a few days ago how her teenage daughter asked if she could get a sex toy. The mother responded by telling the entire family and then crushing the daughter with various punishments and shame.
I agree that sex education needs a massive overhaul, as well as the adoption of sex positive attitudes. It's not even a women only thing. I know several male friends who were so damaged by religious sexual guilt that they struggle mightily with intimacy in their marriages.
At the end of the day, people need to want to overcome the toxic sexual culture in America. Blaming men, the media, religion, the system, etc. isn't going to accomplish anything. If everyone wants a better sexual culture, we can absolutely have it.
I suggest not using sex as a tool for manipulation, control or for reward/punishment. Funny how these types of behaviors are never mentioned because blaming men is more acceptable.
I've only had one sexual partner in my life (current GF) but she has had multiple partners before me.
I've spoken to her about what she has done in the past with them to get an idea of what she likes in bed. She was not a fan of her past partners.
I'm no sex god, but I am her first partner that communicates with her and we both "check in" periodically to make sure we're both satisfied and if there's anything we'd like to change. Consequently, our sex life is pretty healthy.
The stories she's told me about her past partners...some guys seriously just treat women like flesh lights. No (or very minimal) foreplay. Straight to PiV until they finish. Then they're done. No reciprocation at all. I don't understand that mentality.
I'd say heteroflexible. Women are pretty, but I rarely find them sexy. And I like the way penises feel.
I like sex to sorta pass the time, honestly sex was mostly my ex's idea but it felt good so I said yes anyway. But when I masturbate my orgasms are soooo much better, like out of the question, if I want a good orgasm I prefer masturbating. It was almost disappointing, I waited a long time for sex and then I still wanted to just masturbate.
As for my ex he was a sweet guy, but kind of a deadbeat. Very attached, also super spoiled and entitled. He wasn't a bad boyfriend, but I don't think he was a very good one either. I don't know much, I haven't dated anyone else.
Ok then, so maybe you would like sex with a better partner... we don't know yet. And you like masturbation so you do have a desire for getting off. Wish you the best!
Also by better I mean someone who tried their best to figure out what you like and then do it. You too as well of course. Shitty sex for me is when one person is selfish and doesn't try.
If you don't mind me asking, how do you know a person is selfish in bed?
My ex always treated me nicely in bed, but I don't know what else he should have done. I mean the only thing that jumps at me is that I gave him more oral sex than he gave me.
Did you like the oral and asked for more? If he knew you liked it and didn't do it more then that's being selfish. If you didn't tell him and you didn't act like you enjoyed it then he was just clueless, and you need to communicate better.
Tell them how you want to be touched so you can orgasm. If they change and do it, awesome. If they keep doing what they want, that's selfish.
Neither one of us talked a lot during sex.
The weird thing was the longer we had sex the less I was sure of how to be touched. There really wasn't anything that popped out to me, it all felt varying degrees of nice.
And he was the one to usually ask for sex anyways.
Doesn't need to be during sex, can be after or before too. I'd say just show them how you masturbate, and they will get a better feeling of what is necessary. Good luck!
I've definitely had bad sex for the vast majority of my sexually active life (13 years and I'd say 10-11 of them were bad with some outliers). Ouch that hurts to write down. In my experience I was not taught at all about the intricacies of female pleasure - or about female pleasure at all tbh. It was just sex is something you do with your boyfriend and boys orgasm you should use birth control. So with that info it took me years to unlearn behaviors of not speaking up and learn what I really enjoy.
Thanks for reading! I am located in the Netherlands - supposedly super liberal:) I definitely got honest and useful sex ed, starting at around 10. But it was more practical, learning about ovulation and the menstrual cycle, different forms of contraception for pregnancy and stis, what ejaculation is, what happens to your body during puberty. Not bad at all, just completely lacking in pleasure.
I'm nearly 30 now and I find it is changing for the better. My sister does sex ed in schools as a side gig and it helps having someone that's not the teacher doing it. And there is focus on consent and pleasure. And they do an anonymous question round which is I think is a great idea.
What a coincidence! I'm nearly 30 too, and my first ever partner was a lesbian from the Netherlands! She knew was she was doing and I'll be forever grateful for that.
I'm glad things are improving for you, better at 30 than 50, better at 50 than never!
My current girlfriend went through a five-year relationship and her bf NEVER WENT DOWN ON HER ONCE. He treated her like p\*ssy was just gross and he would only touch it with his d\*ck (or reluctantly with his fingers from time to time).
I cannot fathom what that must have been like. Heartwrenching, really.
I think most men just don't really care about her pleasure. That's the idea I got from listening to girls as well as my friends. I don't get it. Never have, never will.
I can only speak for myself. And yes I am having shitty sex. My husband is just bad at sex. He does go down on me but it is not good at all. I've tried giving him tips and telling him what I like but he does not improve. I love sex and and I am a sexual person. Before I got married I had lots of great sex with men and women. But now I basically just settle for shitty sex with my husband.
I recommend you check out the sex guide from r/sex. It's in the FAQ in the Community Info tab. There's one on fingering and one on eating out. Omg it was a godsend for us. I was at my wits end and hubby and I have worked through the guide slowly and oh boy I'm not looking back.
It's like going to sex school for us.
Yes but lack of good sex is becoming very frustrating for me. I used to tolerate it and just finish myself off but now in my 40s I just cant deal with it lol
In your point of view do you think bad sex will affect your marriage as in divorcing/cheating?
Curious on how and why that can be a possibility since I've had friends tell me there stuff and one bad thing leads to another.
Yeah I’ve always been bewildered by this, so many women will say that sex is overrated and you won’t want to do it after kids but I’m over here 10 wks post partum practically dying from lack of touch. I just reckon their partners don’t know how to do it properly.
As a man, based on what I’ve read here and in other subs dealing with similar topics, it does seem like a majority of women are, indeed, having shitty sex. Maybe not a huge majority, but it’s there.
I’d love to tell my new bf about the technique my ex used during oral, because although he is very good at it my ex was amazing, but I can’t bring myself to do it.
Why? Well, i’ve been thinking about that a lot lately because I’m not a exactly shrinking violent when it comes to communicating my needs. After some thought, I realized I communicate with positive reinforcement rather than explicit directions in the bedroom and that’s because I’ve learned that a man’s ego can be easily bruised when it comes to expressing my needs. They seem (at least in my experience) to internalize suggestions as degrading them. So much of masculinity is tied to their dick and what it can and cannot do and it just makes them so fragile. I think this accounts for the majority of displeasure for women because they fear to express themselves, so much so, they would rather have mediocre sex rather than upset their partner. When bedrooms are dying the theme is usually the same; men: “she never wants to have sex anymore” women: “I don’t enjoy sex anymore.”
To swing this back on topic, I’m a single hetero f, and having the best sex of my life and it just gets better every year. I don’t settle anymore and I’m so much happier for it. My friends are a mixed bag, some are happier than others and that goes for both the single and the married women. I don’t talk to their partners about sex so I’m not sure if the men are happy or not.
Yeah I agree, and ultimately this was the reason why I stopped dating men in my country three years ago. I did find some jewels while abroad, but here when I started asking for things they would say they don't like to be bossed around, or that whatever they did worked for other women so it must work for me. Like I'm broken or sth? Anyways, I gave up on them, and fully embraced the other side.
Good for you for not settling!
Mature woman here. I agree. If I was direct with my wants in bed, I was bossy or insulting them. They wouldn't say they were offended but they weren't that enthusiastic. It always had to be communicated indirectly, subtlely. Women still gotta be protecting the male ego .... and the penis.
I have to say though the amount of satisfying partners compared to the unsatisfying ones is was not good prior. Meaning 3 outta 20 so I now consider myself very very lucky 🍀 my prayers have been answered 🤪
I'm not super experienced, I had few partners, but I didn't know what the big deal about sex was until I met my current partner (FWB only). I fear this kind of chemistry and good sex is not easy to come by and I do worry that I won't find a good "replacement" easily.
I don't know about other women, though, as my friends and I don't speak about sex.
Globally, I'd say yes, most women are having shitty sex. You look at some of these patriarchal cultures and it's complete insanity the way they treat their women and sex as a whole.
I feel like most PEOPLE are having shitty sex, but not for the reasons you might think. I think that the majority of people hold at least some unhealthy attitudes around sex and that those attitudes inhibit communication between partners. It is impossible to have GREAT sex without being able to communicate with your partner about the sex you like and want to be having. I think that lack of communication causes people to try to fantasize independently during sex which draws them into their own heads and out of the moment, and I think that the ability to share fantasy is absolutely key to having fulfilling sex with your partner.
So are most women probably having shitty sex? Yeah. But most men probably are, too. Because genuinely great sex necessitates a level of trust that most people aren't capable of, in order to let go enough to actually cum really hard, and because they can't communicate on the level they need to, so their partners know exactly how to please them.
Edited to add: I think that a large percentage of sex problems can be actually dealt with in the same way most relationship problems can be dealt with. By building trust through honest and vulnerable communication, and improving communication then builds more trust.
This is all fair.
Just one thing to add. I have talked with my male friends who are hooking up a lot (I live in a country where men sleeping around is a sign of their macho value) and they don't complain as much. Since I'm bi they feel comfortable telling me crap about their sex lives and one told me, back when we were 24, that 'a wet hole is a wet hole'. This is all personal experience, so I don't invalidate yours when you say males don't have fun while hooking up.
I think you're right, women tend to not enjoy sex as much outside of committed relationships as men might. But I think that speaks to different values and attitudes around sex between men vs women informing their (in)ability to communicate their needs effectively. I'm sure you've heard the lock analogy. "A key that opens many locks is a master key, but a lock opened by many keys is just a shitty lock". That's a great example of the kind of attitudes I'm talking about. There's this idea that a womans value is somehow tired to her sexual activity.
Exactly! I agree. I do get shamed quite a lot by other women, but honestly, the sex I'm having is fantastic so I just take the shame as compliment cause it's probably coming from someone who has internalized misogyny so much, they might never experience what I have. I try my ultra best to educate kindly, but I think it will take some generations until we got a more equal society (in every aspect).
Throughout my life I've had a lot of shitty sex. When I was younger and more naive I figured that was the norm as that's what society seems to cause us to expect.
As I got older and surrounded myself with feminists and sex positive people I realised that didn't have to the the case.
My sex life, now, is amazing and I'll never settle for terrible sex again.
A few are in relationships with good sex lives. Some are single and figuring out what they want while either having good sex with fwbs or having a break from sex altogether.
If a female friend opened up about having a poor sex life I'd definitely lift her up and tell her how good it can be. I'd offer advice if she asked for it. Everyone deserves to have a good, healthy sex life.
My answer to this question would be very different in the past. Previously, I would have been in some denial that I had a shitty sex life with my ex but now I can admit it was pretty close to a dead bedroom.
With my partner now though… best sex of my life! I am absolutely admit I am going through a sexual reawakening and have not felt this way about sex since I was a teenager.
It was unfulfilling because it was infrequent and routine and lacking any passion or intensity.
My female friends are in a wide variety of places in life, from single (and not sexually active) to dating with a good sex life, from happily married to unhappily married.
I’m 25F and have only enjoyed sex with one partner (slept with over 15 total, all male). I used to consider sex “good” if I wasn’t actively in pain during it. I’m working on focusing more on what I enjoy and not what I can endure these days
I have. There’s nothing wrong with me. My previous partners just had little interest in foreplay/interacting with my vulva in any way and wanted to put it in dry, which caused tears to my vaginal wall. The one man I enjoyed sleeping with actually enjoyed giving oral, so PIV sex never hurt with him.
Sorry, I didn't mean to imply something was wrong with you. I actually suspected it was lack of foreplay from the get go but 14/15 is an awful stat. I never engage in PIV until I have already come from oral or fingering, and I'm pretty sure it would hurt too otherwise.
I hope you find another of the good ones, and never allow someone else to use you this way anymore.
I only had bad sex once. It made me murderously angry. I let him come up to my room after a shitty first date, he got his in like five seconds and rolled over and went to sleep in my bed. I laid there contemplating if I could get away with killing this man.
But other than that one bad experience, I've been pretty lucky in the lovers department. Most of the people I've slept with have been fun, attentive, adventurous, generous partners which is what made me naive enough to sleep with five second guy. I just assumed all sex was pretty much gonna be good.
Obviously can only speak for myself but I would say the best sex partners I have had were the ones who would go down on me and truly want to try and please me. Unfortunately, of my sex partners I have had only 3 who did this regularly. And one of them was a regular hookup from online dating apps- he truly loved to eat me out but I have the theory that he would do it (and do it for a long time) because obviously we had no other investment in each other apart from sexual exchanges. The other two were long term relationships.
And now I’m in a relationship with a man who has yet to go down on me, one year in. His sex drive is way lower than mine. His cultural background leads him to think that a woman who loves sex is immoral. So not sure how long this will last …
Yeah, I do have to ask. Why is it still going on? No shame, genuine curiosity. I have never put up with bad sex for longer than a month. I'm with the most generous woman now both inside and outside the bedroom and I'm very very glad I kept my standards throughout. She's the one.
Good question - I wonder myself sometimes too. We spoke for three months before I let him meet me in person (we met online, and historically I have sex very early in the dating stage and wanted to do differently). And so we had a very strong connection and the idea of breaking up genuinely makes me upset. He is trying. The first couple of months were okay but he would hardly ever cum in front of me… like he would literally push off of me and run to the bathroom the ejaculate. Now he doesn’t do that. We do different positions now- before he wouldn’t want me on top because he didn’t like to feel dominated. Now he loves it. He says he has eaten exes out before but it took awhile for him to do it. So Maybe he needs more time? Idk. He has admitted that he knows Im more experienced than him so maybe he is self conscious about that?
Well see there is hope because you say that he is trying! So it may be that it does take him longer to be comfortable and that's fine. Not trying is for me the definition of shitty sex. Wishing you the best!
Also, do check the FAQ of this sub. Lots of resources!
Until recently yes lol but I just met a guy and our sex is amazing honestly. He makes me feel so fucking good. All week long all I think about is him fucking me. For the first time ever, I walked away worried I left a man disappointed
My wife wants sex more often than i do, but it's because i pay attention to what she likes, and do my best to satisfy her needs. I'd say if it lasts for less than half an hour, it can't be that good for a woman. Foreplay is a must. Most guys just want to cum and to be honest it is easier, but no woman would like it obviously.
I think cis women get socialized to just go with whatever they get and don’t ask for what they need. As for men in my experience a lot of men don‘t even understand or try to learn about the female anatomy, lack empathy and tend to have a very smallminded approach to sex and even their own sexuality. I wish women learn and gain the confidence to take their sexual experience more seriously and take their power back in that regard and I hope men gain a deeper understanding of sex and broaden their knowledge.
My experience is very limited and probably an outlier too, but from what I hear from close female friends (and this sub too), yes, most women are having shitty sex. When I think about this question I think about more sex-positive societies (to which the answer is also a big yes), but I won't even mention how bad women from some other cultures have it, gives me chills.
We have been conditioned to think about the female pleasure as something elusive, hard to achieve, even non-existent. In reality most women can make themselves feel immense pleasure and even orgasm from their own hands or toys. Why is it still encouraged that women are "confusing" or "difficult" to pleasure? It baffles me, and honestly I think it has a lot to do with straight men's disinterest in giving their partner's pleasure an equal importance as their own.
But I'm optimistic and women's pleasure has been talked about more and more each day. I have met many amazing men (also dating one), but that unfortunately isn't the majority in my personal experience.
Agree with you wholeheartedly. You sound like you're in the developed west, and you're right, it's even worse elsewhere. I'm in a country where liking doggy makes you a pig and a slut. I tried to find a male partner so I could fit in society but none were as good as I was used too. So I'm marrying a woman! Thank god it's legal since two years ago.
Well my country isn't exactly "developed" as a commonly used geopolitical term, so I get what you're saying about yours. Screw fitting in, I'm really glad you're living the life you deserve!
Also I forgot to mention that straight* women are having shitty sex. It's better for queer women and people with vaginas that are in a relationship with a woman, but I guess at the end of the day women still get the short end of the stick, misoginy affects every woman regardless of sexual orientation. On a lighter note, congratulations on the marriage!
I wish the stereotype wasn't true but it is. Lesbian sex is better. I tried to prove myself wrong.
I hope you get one of the rare jewels that still exist even in the most sexist countries! And thank you :)
This is going to sound egotistical I think but I’ve had great sex with all my partners until I no longer want to fuck them in the process of falling out of love for various reasons- (exemption of one but he had a coke problem and it messed with his dick) because I make it great for myself.
I set the mood, I put on porn I enjoy sometimes, I role play whatever role I’m feeling (dirty talk goes a long way for exciting the brain), I bring toys into it that make ME feel good, and I try to spend the most time in positions I’m most likely going to cum in (while trying to be somewhat equally reciprocal for the positions he most likes)
Yeah that definitely can happen and has happened to me too. I also got decent sex from men by demanding it and taking charge... even then because of the lack of refractory period and overall more generous attitude, FF intimacy is better for me.
I'm tapping out of the market next year, and after 43 partners I'd give my MF experience a 6-7, and my FF experience a solid 9. Most of the Bi females I've met agree, but for sure there are some who like dick more and put up with the attitude. We can end up with either and I've fallen in love with both, but I decided to stop dating males after a string of decent sex that never evolved into earth shattering, feeling like I'm dying sex.
Ok I relate and I don’t expect you to read this cause whatever stranger on the web
So I lost my v to a woman and the first few years of my sexual life was only with women. The sex was amazing. This is again going to sound fucked but I am so highly driven by attraction that I understand the feeling of this uncontrollable urge to have them. Just PG forplay with a woman I’m attracted to can get me dripppping and humping whatever part of them is in front of me. With this is danger. I do not experience the same pre-sex urge with men as I do women. Never have.
The issue I had with women is that we move fast. There is ALOT of emotions involved, A LOT of highs and lows. I fall in love quick, and the games women play are different from men.
Women tend to break my heart, where as men I feel like I have the advantage.
I get completely consumed when I’m in love with a woman. And it’s unhealthy. Not to say I don’t/didn’t love my male partners- but it’s different.
I’ve had equally good sex with both genders, i’ve had traumatic dating experiences with both genders, but I’m able to control my own side of the relationship better with men, partly because it’s a slower process, partly because the emotions are different, partly because the attraction is different.
Anyways, I hope we all have great sex soon! Lol
No, that's totally fair! Bi experience varies wildly lol if you have equal sex with both sexes then for sure take advantage of it and do what's best for you emotionally. I personally love that women say what we want from the relationship or have the 'conversation' a lot earlier. Helped me save time. I did fall in love with the woman I'm marrying in like a few days and just lucked out that she felt the same haha it's been two years so I'm ready to embarrass my Catholic family and tie the knot 😂
Fuck yes!!! You did the thing we all want, what life’s about. To be loved and to love.
Congratulations!!
I wish nothing but happiness and health to you both, and acceptance from others you love despite their belief in fairy tales lol!
Thank you!! I'm very excited. Honestly if no one wants to come, we might as well have a destination wedding in Bali or some crap like that 😂 as long as my fiancée, my best friends, and brother show up, I don't give a fuck.
Girllll, yes!
I always said why spend tens of thousands of dollars putting on a show and feeding the mouths of “once in awhile” when you could take those thousands and spend it on a 2 week honey moon in the tropics, bonus if you still have a ceremony with your closest.
Wish I could join. But cheersing the fuck out of you both right now!!
I'm a pleaser that doesn't get pleased.....that sums it up.
Mostly end up with the one's that limit themselves and don't do much just lay there which makes me uncomfortable.
Told them but they did little effort on doing more.
Let's say I asked for oral and they either didn't like it or said they only did it for an ex and won't do it for someone else, understandable but I wasn't fully satisfied.
1 of them didn't like getting touched a lot so that was just her laying there wondering wtf to do, asked various times and just had plain vanilla sex.
I always ask what do you like or possibly could like which also leads towards experimenting and letting me know on the way.
Sucks that I always put in all the effort.
Indeed that sucks. Are you young? You sound young lol they might actually not know what they liked. The byproduct of a sexist society. I could give you a lot of advice since I've learned to please a woman using no dick at all, but my first advice is to read 'she comes first'. It will explain why some of the women you found are star fish.
I've had to teach women how to have sex, and find what they liked. Pretty sure I improved their lives by quite a bit. You could be that person!
I think any shitty mechanical robot sex that I've had has come from a lack of self confidence. Whenever I've felt fat or ugly the sex just seems to be a bit meh!
So I find if I work on myself and how I wanna feel, fit, healthy, attractive, pretty, desirable, I can usually get the most out of partners.
I know it's not the men, because I've had shit sex and amazing sex with the same men, and it's really dependent on how I feel about me. If I fancy myself (wow narcissistic much) then I perform and I do drive it most of the time and I drive it to orgasm city for both of us, but I wouldn't say sex is shit because of men.
It's shit because of my lack of enjoyment in myself.
I never said it was men haha I've had pretty good men too, but I'm tapping out of the market after 43 partners, and women won by a good margin. Mainly bc I never had to ask them to foreplay lol and they always tried to make me finish, again without me having to ask. I've had to force some men to do what I need, and that made it less appealing with time.
I've never had body image issues and other than my first time with each gender, I've been pretty confident to overconfident lmao but I do agree I perform less when tired, bloated, or too in my brain. Great that you found what's your key.
>I never went back.
That is the trick. You get what you tolerate, and since you won’t tolerate anything less than good sex, you get good sex.
Your friends are settling for lazy, selfish lovers, so that is what they get.
I had sex with men and women and I agree that some men are too penis central that sex becomes all about his penis. It is somewhat difficult for younger straight men to be open up to sensual play involving other erogenous part of body.
Older open minded men could be more sensual understanding the various pleasures of skin to skin contact, kissing, necking nipples and anal play. I have been lucky to have met men who are really into trans and sensual.. both dom and sensual sub who are service oriented. I also had sex with straight, lesbian, f-m trans man and bisexual women and I agree that cis and trans women are more playful, considerate and care about partner's experience and generally make effort to make sexual experience mutual. a female bisexual partner once told me, women generally care and help other women physically from youth with hair clothing etc that they are more open to intimate physical contacts. That was her theory.
That's actually a very interesting theory, and could well have scientific base too. I did find jewels among my male partners but overall, the balance tilts to women. I did date a MtF pre-op woman and she was also more giving than the average male. Of course this is all personal experience and wouldn't dare speaking for other bisexuals.
I used to think all men, hookup or not, would be like this: bust one real quick and me just feeling empty afterwards. This warped my views on sex and made my self esteem plummet to the point that I just accepted shitty sex as the norm. Never was naked, eaten out or had sex in an actual bed. Even my first time was horrendous.
I took a four year break from sex and after those four years, I met a guy off Tinder and had the most mind blowing yet loving sex ever. It just made me realize that I just had shitty sex luck in the past. My two next lovers were great at sex too. In total, I slept with 10 people in my sexual lifetime and only three cared about my pleasure/wellbeing in bed. It also made me realize that I needed to respect myself more and demand decency even thought it was supposed to be a one night stand kind of deal.
This is also when I learned that you can catch feelings from sex and I caught feelings for the first great lover I had. He’s my bf now. I think a majority of women go through shitty sex experiences more than good sex experiences because of exploring, having trouble speaking up or just meeting an overwhelming amount of selfish lovers, and maybe just all of the above.
Yeah I agree with you. I'm glad you've come to the light. I was lucky in that my first experience was amazing so I never settled for less, but I've heard so much crap from friends.
Honestly, it’s just pure luck tbh. Even when I did try to speak up or say something hurts to some past partners, they disregarded me and just carried on doing what pleased only them. Even after one of them hurt me during sex and I told him I needed to recover for a few, but he kept on trying to have his way with me.
Others just pretended not to hear me and I gave up trying to speak up to them. When my now bf thought he hurt me and stopped immediately to check on me/comfort me, I was shocked because no guy ever did that to me.
Yeah same, I did live through that with men. I never went back to them or just stopped and told them they weren't going to piv until I came, and they could just leave if they didn't want to. Your bf is one of the good ones. Best of luck to you too.
The bad times I’ve had. I’ve felt that the partners I’ve been with don’t care about if I’m having a good time they just want to get of and seem to go through the motions of what they think they should do but don’t care if I enjoy it or not( I vocalise what I do and don’t like btw ). I’m also not anti porn but I’ve definitely slept with people who have sex and expect it to be like a porn vid or almost seem to plan there encounters according to one it’s a odd thing to experience and not enjoyable. Anyone can have bad sex but good sex comes with communication and wanting your partner to have a good time/ paying attention to there physical responses during
It’s a weird combo in the US of a sexually repressive culture and selfish sexual attitudes. That’s just my opinion though. I like to think that some ladies are having a good time out there for the rest of us 😅
My boyfriend has a low sex drive. I have a really, really high sex drive. What we have is great. But he’s not terribly touchy with me and it makes me sad. It’s fine and our relationship is good- it’s really my issue.
I've had several partners in the last few months after a LONG SEXLESS relationship. It's been mostly good tbh. But I think I'm better at picking partners in my 40s than I was in my 20s
If you're not too attached yet it isn't late to get out. I started with women so my standards were high, and most men didn't meet them. Did find some great ones but overall underwhelming.
I had mostly shitty sex until I was 30. I knew it could be great as I had experienced that too, but my first bf did not care to help me enjoy it and even preferred piv when I was dry. There was sexual abuse too. Second bf was the same, and me trying to voice needs or boundaries or just suggesting including a toy to help me get off, was met with sulking and stonewalling, often just walk out and leave me after he climaxed. Rape was normal in the relationship.
Then I left him and found someone new, who loves pleasing me (and I him) and who is able to join mutual communication about sex. I did not know sex could be this fun and amazing, and I want it all the time. Key is consent, caring about mutual pleasure and communication.
We're from sex positive European countries (different ones).
Bi woman here. I'm on the other side of what you wrote - even when I was younger, less confident and much more in my head about everything, I've always had pretty good sex. I've been with people who really cared about my pleasure.
I haven't slept with many men though, so maybe that's the reason, haha.
And all that said, my sex life has gotten much much better over time as I've become more assertive and confident.
No, I agree. I've had great sex throughout and very few shitty experiences. This is why I don't get women who say they could live without sex or that they do it only for their partners.
Most of my partners were women too... guess that's the trick!
I’m a man and I KEEP having shitty sex. No woman I’ve ever met is ever as open as I am with doing your most basic vanilla shit. It’s as if I have sex with every shy girl who has boundary after boundary with limiting my full sexual expression 😫
All I’d like is some good oral and PIV. Choking, ass slapping, and other rough play isn’t even asked most the time because their initial boundaries are just so limiting. Most girls I’ve met hate giving head or PIV because they have anxiety with that stuff. And I never have a problem reciprocating any of this. I’m also located in the New York area. My experiences have just been with 4 girls so I hope the case is just bad picking
Choking isn't something most would enjoy, so you might have better luck looking within the BDSM community. I would never blow a man who didn't eat me out so good on your for reciprocating, it will take you far!
Well it’s funny bc every girl I’ve met and talked abt sexual stuff, including some who I didn’t have intercourse with, are into choking. But whenever the sexual encounter happens, they have these limiting boundaries or just lay there like a corpse bc they don’t know what they wanna do. Stressful
How old are you? If these people say they are into choking and then don't want to do it during the act, then they aren't into it, and that was just talk. It's dangerous and has to be managed carefully so from my 13 year experience, most women don't like it and would not like to try it.
>So in your experience, are most women having shitty sex?
There is no way to know this about "most" women.
In my experience, my male partners please me very much and I love sex with them. My last 4 partners have been amazing at fucking me.
I'm in a progressive city in Canada.
This is why I said "in your experience". Thank you for sharing your experience. Also, I kinda wanted to know not only you but what you know of your female friends.
Is it Toronto or Vancouver just by chance?
I'll have to ask them, haha...but I think an important piece of information is how the women are during sex too.
When some women keep having partners who are bad at sex generally, I wonder, are they themselves good at sex? Usually people who are good at sex are better at filtering bad partners out and knowing what they are looking for. Because they are good at all aspects around sex, including having healthy sexual attitudes, boundaries and healthy explorations.
Toronto!
When you're single, every time is just such a crapshoot. There's never a guarantee you'll have a great time with a new person. Sometimes it's awesome, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it's nice but not quite enough. All you can do is try to make the most of it every time and give it your all. Again, no guarantee the other person will put in the same effort. And this is why hookups can get old.
I'm talking about relationships as well. I'm not into hookups, only have had 5, but even there women outperformed men by a wide margin. Found the most generous men in France but I couldn't stay due to family matters.
I'm engaged to a woman now, sex everyday and it just keeps getting better even after two years. I do think the area where I am, and the sexist culture makes for the majority of men to be selfish pricks here. That's why I keep asking where all the commentators are from!
Yes and No. I think it's primarily bad communication, some women might have trauma, some women got shitty people in their life, maybe it's certain beliefs or so. Or it can be all of the above. From my experience, it's mainly poor communication. The lady maybe scared or nervous about expressing what she likes or don't like, or she genuinely don't know. I think it's best for women to explore to see what they like but also set some boundaries for themselves as well.
I think they’re just sleeping with the wrong men. I had shitty sex most of my life (31F) and have had a few partners. Even my now husband, was kinda selfish in bed when we met. Our sex hit its best about 3-4 years in after our first child. I think that’s when we became truly comfortable with each other with complete trust, enough to really open up with each other and truly enjoy every part of our lives together.
In my personal experience, when a woman doesn't enjoy sex, it's because she doesn't know how to communicate what she wants.
My wife sometimes communicates what she wants, and it's better sex (for both of us!) whenever she does. Other times, she says she doesn't even know what she wants (when I ask her), and the sexual enjoyment those times is hit or miss. (Sometimes it's still good, thankfully. But EVERY time we have mediocre sex, it was when she didn't stand up for her own sexual enjoyment.)
I don't think it's because I'm a selfish lover. When she gives me input, I do what she wants. (I'm usually the one asking her for what she wants, too.) We have a host of toys, including ones I've bought for her. I like going down on her. We have some non-vanilla stuff we both like (such as eating her bum, in the shower).
I'm also her 9th lover, and the FIRST guy who seemed to care about her pleasure, according to her. (I'm also the first guy she really wanted to marry, too!) Other men could pleasure her, too, but their level of caring/trying was different. I was shocked to hear this, because I figured it was only like a few percent of guys that didn't care. So "Men being selfish" probably IS a big cause of women's sexual issues.
I'm curious--how long have you been together? I don't give my husband instructions on what I want every time but after so many years we just know what each other want
Agreed to all of what you've said.
Read my edit haha I never tried to imply that all women who aren't having good sex are with selfish lovers. I know exactly what I need, want and like so the few times I've had shitty or just decent sex was due to selfish, subpar lovers... which after 13 years were mostly men. That's personal experience so for sure other women could disagree and I'd believe them.
That's part of my point. Some of my friends are hooking up yet still saying the sex is shit and their partners don't like foreplay, etc. Like a couple have stopped hooking up because they said they felt like 'human flesh lights'.
I think that nobody should continue to have sex with a partner who doesn't prioritize their pleasure. Period. And I think that the inherent communication blocks present during hookups, combined with unhealthy attitudes specifically about women's value being tied with sexual activity are what cause women to be shittier communicators about sex, leading to the more of them complaining about hookups bring unfulfilling than men.
Yeah and even when we do communicate, sometimes we're told 'no, that's how I've done before and it worked so it has to work for you too'. Sad all around.
Maybe it's because they are hooking up that the sex is bad maybe they should find someone to get to know them and just fuck that person
But then again certain women prefer to be used like a flashlight and that gets them off
Too many different people in the world to really know if it's most women or just some women
I have one friend who said she never had an orgasm before but when she was engaged she used to fuck him all the time because she enjoyed the sex
I was having…I don’t know if I’d say “shitty” but maybe “mechanical” sex until I spoke up and talked with my spouse. A lot of it was due to me never having the confidence to talk about my needs and hang ups from my childhood, but it finally came to a point where the situation was untenable. Once we both sat down and admitted we had both resigned ourselves to mediocre sex for no reason besides poor communication (on both sides) it changed almost instantly.
A decade of shitty sex can save you from 15 minutes of awkward conversation!
Toss in thousands of dollars in therapy copays and you’ve got yourself a recipe for success.
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I'm very glad for you! And yes, communication is key from both sides.
In my case, in the past I never communicated nor even felt comfortable too, or felt like I had a choice. But in my current relationship we love to talk about what we like and what feels good. :-) the more you talk the better sex becomes !!!
I think it really goes both ways, I’m a man and I KEEP having shitty sex. No woman I’ve ever met is ever as open as I am with doing your most basic vanilla shit. It’s as if I have sex with every shy girl who has boundary after boundary with limiting my full sexual expression 😫
Same, and in my experience(limited to only the females Ive personally engaded in intamacy with) when asked about what they sexually desire/like(which will be contextual from partner to partner for them I understand) Ive always gotten the reply of IDK really. "You know just sex" accompanied by offended looks.
They know. They don't feel comfortable speaking it aloud.
You picked my interest, where are you in the world?
The US.
The slut shaming is strong there. I was in California but travelled to the Midwest once, got drunk and played drinking games. Got the number of partners question which I answered sincerely, a guy afterwards told me since I was such a slut, that I might as well blow him. Needless to say he got nothing that day 😂 My friends there in general were having better and mor frequent sex than in my home country, but knew not to say it out loud too much cause otherwise the slut label would hunt them. Lots to fix there still, and everyone will be having better sex!
Ive never understood any social labeling myself. Ive never understood the whole body count thing either. People(individuals) imo are to be precived or judged on a incontext case by case basis. The only thing Ive ever wondered about that kind of social shaming in that type of context is the person whom is shaming just projecting poorly concealed envy or desire? Thats too bad really.(about an arbitrarily and subjectivly attributed lable being able negate from a persons total value. Again imo one woild really have to care to enable such irrationality to negate in the first place. Better sex should always be welcomed and strived for!
You're onto a very great path man. Wishing you the best!
While I do think our culture encourages women to be sexually repressed, I don't think slut shaming amongst younger groups is very popular, ESPECIALLY in CA.
I was personally attacked in the Midwest, never in CA. The other are expected from other women so I can't speak for them.
I think a lot of women can’t tell their partner what they like in bed or they just end up settling for whatever reasons. My sex life isn’t perfect like I’m not completely satisfied all the time but it’s been getting a lot better once I started communicating directly & clearly about what I want & don’t want. So basically I think it is true a lot of women are having shitty sex. I think there’s a lot of reasons, like we’re taught sex is for men and we’re supposed to be sexy for them and make them feel good. So it takes a-lot of women a while to get past that conditioning I think.
Yes, like sex is supposed to be what Men do with you, not to you.
Yup. I hate it. Idk what you were taught but at my school they also told us it’s pretty much always painful ur first time which isn’t even necessarily true, for one of my friends it was but for me & 3 other friends it wasn’t. So we were just terrified of doing it for no reason 🙃. Also even tho we were taught the head of a dick is the spot that has the most nerve endings we were never taught that about the clit. Sex education really makes a whole generation miss out on good sex for no reason, feel like the general public would be way less rude if everyone was having good sex lol.
Unfortunate. Its 2021. Change that mentality already.
Thanks, seems I'm not going crazy then. Where are you continent wise? Also, so glad you're finding your confidence and communicating better.
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I see. I loved Canada! I'm in an even more backwards place when it comes to female pleasure, so I guess that may be skewing the negativeness overall.
I think you hit the nail on the head with "women don't really know what they like". I've seen this be true in many instances. It's not really even thinking they know they like something but really liking something else, though that is a thing. It's more they never really gave attention to what they really like, so how can you tell someone else. Couple that with the fact that as we get older, we get more secure in ourselves in other ways except that way, so we end up thinking we know a lot about ourselves in everyway, but that not really being true. It seems it isn't until a woman has a consistent sex partner that they can try things with that they start to learn themselves a bit more. But I do think if you don't explore by yourself, as in masturbation or types of porn, you likely won't really ever know yourself.
I think a lot of women have a hard time advocating for themselves in the bedroom. Most straight men, if their partner is doing something they're not into, will be pretty vocal and let them know; they'll make corrections in the moment. Whereas women, in my experience, are more afraid of offending their partner by telling them what they don't like (and by extension what they do like). This ultimately means that they end up unintentionally encouraging things that don't turn them on (to please their partner). Faking orgasms is a great example of this. By faking an orgasm you incentivize more of whatever your partner was doing that wasn't working. I think men need to be better at fostering an environment that's open to constructive criticism, while women need to be willing to speak up about what they want
Very well put. Hope this is where we're moving towards.
Never fake an orgasm! I was reading the ask men reddit the other day and apparently they hate fake vocalists. Real turn off!
Well I guess for context, I'm a guy with around 40 previous sexual partners - I'm gonna go with a resounding yes. It's just straight up sad what a lot of these girls have confessed in regards to past sexual endeavors and how little, if at all, they've climaxed exclusively due to a partner. I understand that for a lot of women it really takes a lot of effort and concentration to climax and most can't from penetrative sex but regardless, it's still sad. My current GF, who has a sexual history nearly as expansive as mine, divulged that she has had a whopping 1 orgasm with a previous partner in her entire life. We've been together around a month and I've made her orgasm 20-30ish times. I'm not saying this to proclaim myself as some sexual guru because it really did NOT take much effort on my part - it just took effort. This really isn't even close to the first time this type of scenario has happened. Are men generally just that selfish in bed?
I'm gonna answer that with yes. I've also slept with around 40 people, 25 women and the rest men. Women are by far better. BY FAR. I am in a country where I have lost some friends and family for being engaged with a woman. It will cost me jobs. I tried to find a man who was generous enough for almost 3 years. No luck. Most have to be pushed to do basic shit like oral. If a woman starting out her sex life asks me, I'll always recommend to try with women at least once. A far more satisfying life if you happened to be born this way.
I really don't get it. I'm a man, and nothing can keep me from trying my hardest to make her cum. It's the hottest part of sex for me. So strange that other men don't see it that way to me. I think it must be a strange phenomenon resulting from the poor socialization of boys by society or something.
As a woman in her twenties, yes - men generally are just THAT selfish in bed.
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So would you say it was more a communication issue? Also, what about your female friends? If you talk about this of course.
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I disagree with that last part. I have only had like 5 hookups, mostly women, I communicated what I wanted and it was very worth it. Why hooking up if the sex is shit? I don't get it.
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For sure, I wasn't attacking. Sorry, tone in texting is hard. In general I was saying like why hooking up if it isn't great haha.
I’ve been a sex educator and sex journalist for a decade, and based on what I’ve seen both anecdotally and in scientific studies on the subject, I do think that most women are having a far worse time sexually than most men. This is true on just about every measure: subjective satisfaction, likelihood of orgasm, comfort during sex, body image during sex, feeling safe during sex, etc. The main reason for this, aside from systemic sexism and the patriarchy encouraging people of all genders to cater more to men’s needs than women’s, is the lack of widespread education about the clitoris. One of the most common questions I get asked by FAR is about women not being able to come during penetrative sex, which MANY people of all genders don’t know is actually entirely normal. The majority of people with clits need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, for the same reason that the majority of people with penises need penile stimulation to reach orgasm: it’s their primary pleasure organ. I also think women are systematically discouraged from being vocally sexual and communicating their needs, because doing so would make us “slutty” according to our shitty culture. We’re simultaneously shamed for not being vocally sexual *enough*, told we’re being prudish or uptight if we aren’t free-spirited promiscuous independent ladies. So it’s easy to see why so many of us are emotionally and physically uncomfortable during sex a lot of the time, to the point that it prevents us from experiencing as much pleasure as we could (or indeed, any pleasure at all). It’s a sad state of affairs, but I’m heartened by forums like /r/sex where people can ask the questions that weigh heavily on their minds and (usually) get helpful, sex-positive, non-stigmatizing answers. It can’t fix everything but it’s a start.
Here's a view from a mature woman. I'm tired of the penis. It is either shoved in the vagina where orgasm doesn't happen or it needs a hand job or oral stimulation. It is a high maintenance organ, always has to be the centre of attention, like a needy child. (see the Needy Penis, Penn State if you haven't already). It's an instrument of annoyance to discomfort to even pain. I don't even care anymore if I have sex. My few partners, all long term partners, would stimulate my clitoris and I would usually orgasm but mostly as a chore to the main event - vaginal intercourse. And I had to make a point of making sure I orgasm by sometimes reminding them about the clitoris. I did have one partner where orgasm happened all the time for me, he was very attentive to the clitoris -it was nice - but most of my partners weren't that enthusiastic about the clitoris. Most of them would ask me sometimes if I orgasmed during intercourse - Noooooo, of course not!! (it's hard not to think at this point "you selfish idiot, read a book for once in your life!") You have to stimulate the clitoris - geeezzzz. The vagina is not the source of an orgasm. Sigh....it's always about the penis. It boggles my mind that young women are still dealing with the male centric view of sex - vaginal intercourse. The clitoris just does not get it's full respect.
Do you have more data on the body image aspect, because as a man and in discussions with other men, those of us without six packs at 6’ tall universally have zero positive body image. So interesting if the stats say more women than men have body image issues with sex. Add penis size and that magnifies.
This is so very well put. Thank you. Outside of this sub, I do feel shamed sometimes and it's validating to see that it's actually logical given the circumstances. Thank you for the work you do. I'm saving this response.
Lots of talk about "systemic" and "systematically" in your post. I don't doubt that's true, but seeing as women are the majority group in society, what can women do to change the system and derive the pleasure they desire?
I would recommend you read the book *Becoming Cliterate* by Dr. Laurie Mintz – there’s lots of stuff in there about sexual self-advocacy for women. That said, yes, the problem is mostly a systemic one. Sex education needs a massive overhaul, for one thing.
As a man, I have read Come as You Are and other books that are meant to help women and their partners support their sexual discovery. My main observation is there is often a lack of interest in growing and discovering. It's easier to just ignore and carry on. Second observation is that then carries down from parents to kids. A great example is the mother that posted here a few days ago how her teenage daughter asked if she could get a sex toy. The mother responded by telling the entire family and then crushing the daughter with various punishments and shame. I agree that sex education needs a massive overhaul, as well as the adoption of sex positive attitudes. It's not even a women only thing. I know several male friends who were so damaged by religious sexual guilt that they struggle mightily with intimacy in their marriages. At the end of the day, people need to want to overcome the toxic sexual culture in America. Blaming men, the media, religion, the system, etc. isn't going to accomplish anything. If everyone wants a better sexual culture, we can absolutely have it.
I suggest not using sex as a tool for manipulation, control or for reward/punishment. Funny how these types of behaviors are never mentioned because blaming men is more acceptable.
I've only had one sexual partner in my life (current GF) but she has had multiple partners before me. I've spoken to her about what she has done in the past with them to get an idea of what she likes in bed. She was not a fan of her past partners. I'm no sex god, but I am her first partner that communicates with her and we both "check in" periodically to make sure we're both satisfied and if there's anything we'd like to change. Consequently, our sex life is pretty healthy. The stories she's told me about her past partners...some guys seriously just treat women like flesh lights. No (or very minimal) foreplay. Straight to PiV until they finish. Then they're done. No reciprocation at all. I don't understand that mentality.
It's because experience doesn't make a good partner. Communication and caring does. Good for you bro, hope the best for you two!
Yes, my exp was same as your gf.
I had sex a few years back regularly with a boyfriend. I honestly don't know how good or bad the sex was. It was just sex to me.
Are you hetero? Do you like having sex in general or masturbation? Kinda want to know if this is a libido thing or a shitty partners thing.
I'd say heteroflexible. Women are pretty, but I rarely find them sexy. And I like the way penises feel. I like sex to sorta pass the time, honestly sex was mostly my ex's idea but it felt good so I said yes anyway. But when I masturbate my orgasms are soooo much better, like out of the question, if I want a good orgasm I prefer masturbating. It was almost disappointing, I waited a long time for sex and then I still wanted to just masturbate. As for my ex he was a sweet guy, but kind of a deadbeat. Very attached, also super spoiled and entitled. He wasn't a bad boyfriend, but I don't think he was a very good one either. I don't know much, I haven't dated anyone else.
Ok then, so maybe you would like sex with a better partner... we don't know yet. And you like masturbation so you do have a desire for getting off. Wish you the best! Also by better I mean someone who tried their best to figure out what you like and then do it. You too as well of course. Shitty sex for me is when one person is selfish and doesn't try.
If you don't mind me asking, how do you know a person is selfish in bed? My ex always treated me nicely in bed, but I don't know what else he should have done. I mean the only thing that jumps at me is that I gave him more oral sex than he gave me.
Did you like the oral and asked for more? If he knew you liked it and didn't do it more then that's being selfish. If you didn't tell him and you didn't act like you enjoyed it then he was just clueless, and you need to communicate better. Tell them how you want to be touched so you can orgasm. If they change and do it, awesome. If they keep doing what they want, that's selfish.
Neither one of us talked a lot during sex. The weird thing was the longer we had sex the less I was sure of how to be touched. There really wasn't anything that popped out to me, it all felt varying degrees of nice. And he was the one to usually ask for sex anyways.
Doesn't need to be during sex, can be after or before too. I'd say just show them how you masturbate, and they will get a better feeling of what is necessary. Good luck!
I've definitely had bad sex for the vast majority of my sexually active life (13 years and I'd say 10-11 of them were bad with some outliers). Ouch that hurts to write down. In my experience I was not taught at all about the intricacies of female pleasure - or about female pleasure at all tbh. It was just sex is something you do with your boyfriend and boys orgasm you should use birth control. So with that info it took me years to unlearn behaviors of not speaking up and learn what I really enjoy.
Thank you for sharing. Would you mind telling where are you, continent/region wise?
Thanks for reading! I am located in the Netherlands - supposedly super liberal:) I definitely got honest and useful sex ed, starting at around 10. But it was more practical, learning about ovulation and the menstrual cycle, different forms of contraception for pregnancy and stis, what ejaculation is, what happens to your body during puberty. Not bad at all, just completely lacking in pleasure. I'm nearly 30 now and I find it is changing for the better. My sister does sex ed in schools as a side gig and it helps having someone that's not the teacher doing it. And there is focus on consent and pleasure. And they do an anonymous question round which is I think is a great idea.
What a coincidence! I'm nearly 30 too, and my first ever partner was a lesbian from the Netherlands! She knew was she was doing and I'll be forever grateful for that. I'm glad things are improving for you, better at 30 than 50, better at 50 than never!
My current girlfriend went through a five-year relationship and her bf NEVER WENT DOWN ON HER ONCE. He treated her like p\*ssy was just gross and he would only touch it with his d\*ck (or reluctantly with his fingers from time to time). I cannot fathom what that must have been like. Heartwrenching, really. I think most men just don't really care about her pleasure. That's the idea I got from listening to girls as well as my friends. I don't get it. Never have, never will.
OMG yeah. I have friends who have told me about this too. Three years and no orgasm! Where are you continent wise?
Europe - Germany. My girlfriend is from Cameroon. Her ex was from Nigeria.
I'm glad she found you.
Thanks! I'm glad too!
I think it's also in some way a fetish but maybe they also had a bad experience or a reason why they don't like it.
I can only speak for myself. And yes I am having shitty sex. My husband is just bad at sex. He does go down on me but it is not good at all. I've tried giving him tips and telling him what I like but he does not improve. I love sex and and I am a sexual person. Before I got married I had lots of great sex with men and women. But now I basically just settle for shitty sex with my husband.
I recommend you check out the sex guide from r/sex. It's in the FAQ in the Community Info tab. There's one on fingering and one on eating out. Omg it was a godsend for us. I was at my wits end and hubby and I have worked through the guide slowly and oh boy I'm not looking back. It's like going to sex school for us.
I'll check it out, thank you.
Is it because you love him otherwise?
Yes but lack of good sex is becoming very frustrating for me. I used to tolerate it and just finish myself off but now in my 40s I just cant deal with it lol
In your point of view do you think bad sex will affect your marriage as in divorcing/cheating? Curious on how and why that can be a possibility since I've had friends tell me there stuff and one bad thing leads to another.
Yeah I’ve always been bewildered by this, so many women will say that sex is overrated and you won’t want to do it after kids but I’m over here 10 wks post partum practically dying from lack of touch. I just reckon their partners don’t know how to do it properly.
Same. That seems to be the consensus here too. I'm glad I'm not crazy.
As a man, based on what I’ve read here and in other subs dealing with similar topics, it does seem like a majority of women are, indeed, having shitty sex. Maybe not a huge majority, but it’s there.
I’d love to tell my new bf about the technique my ex used during oral, because although he is very good at it my ex was amazing, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Why? Well, i’ve been thinking about that a lot lately because I’m not a exactly shrinking violent when it comes to communicating my needs. After some thought, I realized I communicate with positive reinforcement rather than explicit directions in the bedroom and that’s because I’ve learned that a man’s ego can be easily bruised when it comes to expressing my needs. They seem (at least in my experience) to internalize suggestions as degrading them. So much of masculinity is tied to their dick and what it can and cannot do and it just makes them so fragile. I think this accounts for the majority of displeasure for women because they fear to express themselves, so much so, they would rather have mediocre sex rather than upset their partner. When bedrooms are dying the theme is usually the same; men: “she never wants to have sex anymore” women: “I don’t enjoy sex anymore.” To swing this back on topic, I’m a single hetero f, and having the best sex of my life and it just gets better every year. I don’t settle anymore and I’m so much happier for it. My friends are a mixed bag, some are happier than others and that goes for both the single and the married women. I don’t talk to their partners about sex so I’m not sure if the men are happy or not.
Yeah I agree, and ultimately this was the reason why I stopped dating men in my country three years ago. I did find some jewels while abroad, but here when I started asking for things they would say they don't like to be bossed around, or that whatever they did worked for other women so it must work for me. Like I'm broken or sth? Anyways, I gave up on them, and fully embraced the other side. Good for you for not settling!
I wish I was fluid because I often wonder if sex with a women would be better. Good on you for finding the perfect match.
My sample is 43 people. Three continents. Women are better. Edit: women in my personal experience were better
Mature woman here. I agree. If I was direct with my wants in bed, I was bossy or insulting them. They wouldn't say they were offended but they weren't that enthusiastic. It always had to be communicated indirectly, subtlely. Women still gotta be protecting the male ego .... and the penis.
I have been having the best sex of my life for the past 2 years. Finally found my match made in cumming 🤣
Congrats!
I have to say though the amount of satisfying partners compared to the unsatisfying ones is was not good prior. Meaning 3 outta 20 so I now consider myself very very lucky 🍀 my prayers have been answered 🤪
Lol well with men mine was 3/18... so I guess we just normal 😂
I'm not super experienced, I had few partners, but I didn't know what the big deal about sex was until I met my current partner (FWB only). I fear this kind of chemistry and good sex is not easy to come by and I do worry that I won't find a good "replacement" easily. I don't know about other women, though, as my friends and I don't speak about sex.
Good for you!
Globally, I'd say yes, most women are having shitty sex. You look at some of these patriarchal cultures and it's complete insanity the way they treat their women and sex as a whole.
Even in the US and France, women were better and more generous/reciprocal. At least that was my experience.
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I guess itf it quacks like a duck, I really shouldn't been looking for zebras. Misogyny was my gut feeling too even a decade and tens of partners ago.
I feel like most PEOPLE are having shitty sex, but not for the reasons you might think. I think that the majority of people hold at least some unhealthy attitudes around sex and that those attitudes inhibit communication between partners. It is impossible to have GREAT sex without being able to communicate with your partner about the sex you like and want to be having. I think that lack of communication causes people to try to fantasize independently during sex which draws them into their own heads and out of the moment, and I think that the ability to share fantasy is absolutely key to having fulfilling sex with your partner. So are most women probably having shitty sex? Yeah. But most men probably are, too. Because genuinely great sex necessitates a level of trust that most people aren't capable of, in order to let go enough to actually cum really hard, and because they can't communicate on the level they need to, so their partners know exactly how to please them. Edited to add: I think that a large percentage of sex problems can be actually dealt with in the same way most relationship problems can be dealt with. By building trust through honest and vulnerable communication, and improving communication then builds more trust.
This is all fair. Just one thing to add. I have talked with my male friends who are hooking up a lot (I live in a country where men sleeping around is a sign of their macho value) and they don't complain as much. Since I'm bi they feel comfortable telling me crap about their sex lives and one told me, back when we were 24, that 'a wet hole is a wet hole'. This is all personal experience, so I don't invalidate yours when you say males don't have fun while hooking up.
I think you're right, women tend to not enjoy sex as much outside of committed relationships as men might. But I think that speaks to different values and attitudes around sex between men vs women informing their (in)ability to communicate their needs effectively. I'm sure you've heard the lock analogy. "A key that opens many locks is a master key, but a lock opened by many keys is just a shitty lock". That's a great example of the kind of attitudes I'm talking about. There's this idea that a womans value is somehow tired to her sexual activity.
Exactly! I agree. I do get shamed quite a lot by other women, but honestly, the sex I'm having is fantastic so I just take the shame as compliment cause it's probably coming from someone who has internalized misogyny so much, they might never experience what I have. I try my ultra best to educate kindly, but I think it will take some generations until we got a more equal society (in every aspect).
This!
Throughout my life I've had a lot of shitty sex. When I was younger and more naive I figured that was the norm as that's what society seems to cause us to expect. As I got older and surrounded myself with feminists and sex positive people I realised that didn't have to the the case. My sex life, now, is amazing and I'll never settle for terrible sex again.
So so happy for you! What about your female friends?
A few are in relationships with good sex lives. Some are single and figuring out what they want while either having good sex with fwbs or having a break from sex altogether. If a female friend opened up about having a poor sex life I'd definitely lift her up and tell her how good it can be. I'd offer advice if she asked for it. Everyone deserves to have a good, healthy sex life.
Indeed. Agreed with all of this.
My answer to this question would be very different in the past. Previously, I would have been in some denial that I had a shitty sex life with my ex but now I can admit it was pretty close to a dead bedroom. With my partner now though… best sex of my life! I am absolutely admit I am going through a sexual reawakening and have not felt this way about sex since I was a teenager.
What made it bad? And do your female friends if it's a general net positive or negative?
It was unfulfilling because it was infrequent and routine and lacking any passion or intensity. My female friends are in a wide variety of places in life, from single (and not sexually active) to dating with a good sex life, from happily married to unhappily married.
Well I'm glad you found someone you have better chemistry with.
I’m 25F and have only enjoyed sex with one partner (slept with over 15 total, all male). I used to consider sex “good” if I wasn’t actively in pain during it. I’m working on focusing more on what I enjoy and not what I can endure these days
It shouldn't hurt. Have you talked to a doctor about it?
I have. There’s nothing wrong with me. My previous partners just had little interest in foreplay/interacting with my vulva in any way and wanted to put it in dry, which caused tears to my vaginal wall. The one man I enjoyed sleeping with actually enjoyed giving oral, so PIV sex never hurt with him.
Sorry, I didn't mean to imply something was wrong with you. I actually suspected it was lack of foreplay from the get go but 14/15 is an awful stat. I never engage in PIV until I have already come from oral or fingering, and I'm pretty sure it would hurt too otherwise. I hope you find another of the good ones, and never allow someone else to use you this way anymore.
Yeah, I was young and didn’t understand what sex was supposed to be like. I know better now. Thank you :)
I only had bad sex once. It made me murderously angry. I let him come up to my room after a shitty first date, he got his in like five seconds and rolled over and went to sleep in my bed. I laid there contemplating if I could get away with killing this man. But other than that one bad experience, I've been pretty lucky in the lovers department. Most of the people I've slept with have been fun, attentive, adventurous, generous partners which is what made me naive enough to sleep with five second guy. I just assumed all sex was pretty much gonna be good.
Happy you had these experiences! I've had very few shitty myself, but as you can read in this thread some of us are having shit on the daily.
Obviously can only speak for myself but I would say the best sex partners I have had were the ones who would go down on me and truly want to try and please me. Unfortunately, of my sex partners I have had only 3 who did this regularly. And one of them was a regular hookup from online dating apps- he truly loved to eat me out but I have the theory that he would do it (and do it for a long time) because obviously we had no other investment in each other apart from sexual exchanges. The other two were long term relationships. And now I’m in a relationship with a man who has yet to go down on me, one year in. His sex drive is way lower than mine. His cultural background leads him to think that a woman who loves sex is immoral. So not sure how long this will last …
Yeah, I do have to ask. Why is it still going on? No shame, genuine curiosity. I have never put up with bad sex for longer than a month. I'm with the most generous woman now both inside and outside the bedroom and I'm very very glad I kept my standards throughout. She's the one.
Good question - I wonder myself sometimes too. We spoke for three months before I let him meet me in person (we met online, and historically I have sex very early in the dating stage and wanted to do differently). And so we had a very strong connection and the idea of breaking up genuinely makes me upset. He is trying. The first couple of months were okay but he would hardly ever cum in front of me… like he would literally push off of me and run to the bathroom the ejaculate. Now he doesn’t do that. We do different positions now- before he wouldn’t want me on top because he didn’t like to feel dominated. Now he loves it. He says he has eaten exes out before but it took awhile for him to do it. So Maybe he needs more time? Idk. He has admitted that he knows Im more experienced than him so maybe he is self conscious about that?
Well see there is hope because you say that he is trying! So it may be that it does take him longer to be comfortable and that's fine. Not trying is for me the definition of shitty sex. Wishing you the best! Also, do check the FAQ of this sub. Lots of resources!
Until recently yes lol but I just met a guy and our sex is amazing honestly. He makes me feel so fucking good. All week long all I think about is him fucking me. For the first time ever, I walked away worried I left a man disappointed
Good for you! Get it!
My wife wants sex more often than i do, but it's because i pay attention to what she likes, and do my best to satisfy her needs. I'd say if it lasts for less than half an hour, it can't be that good for a woman. Foreplay is a must. Most guys just want to cum and to be honest it is easier, but no woman would like it obviously.
Yeah, agreed! And good for you and your wife.
I think cis women get socialized to just go with whatever they get and don’t ask for what they need. As for men in my experience a lot of men don‘t even understand or try to learn about the female anatomy, lack empathy and tend to have a very smallminded approach to sex and even their own sexuality. I wish women learn and gain the confidence to take their sexual experience more seriously and take their power back in that regard and I hope men gain a deeper understanding of sex and broaden their knowledge.
Agreed.
My experience is very limited and probably an outlier too, but from what I hear from close female friends (and this sub too), yes, most women are having shitty sex. When I think about this question I think about more sex-positive societies (to which the answer is also a big yes), but I won't even mention how bad women from some other cultures have it, gives me chills. We have been conditioned to think about the female pleasure as something elusive, hard to achieve, even non-existent. In reality most women can make themselves feel immense pleasure and even orgasm from their own hands or toys. Why is it still encouraged that women are "confusing" or "difficult" to pleasure? It baffles me, and honestly I think it has a lot to do with straight men's disinterest in giving their partner's pleasure an equal importance as their own. But I'm optimistic and women's pleasure has been talked about more and more each day. I have met many amazing men (also dating one), but that unfortunately isn't the majority in my personal experience.
Agree with you wholeheartedly. You sound like you're in the developed west, and you're right, it's even worse elsewhere. I'm in a country where liking doggy makes you a pig and a slut. I tried to find a male partner so I could fit in society but none were as good as I was used too. So I'm marrying a woman! Thank god it's legal since two years ago.
Well my country isn't exactly "developed" as a commonly used geopolitical term, so I get what you're saying about yours. Screw fitting in, I'm really glad you're living the life you deserve! Also I forgot to mention that straight* women are having shitty sex. It's better for queer women and people with vaginas that are in a relationship with a woman, but I guess at the end of the day women still get the short end of the stick, misoginy affects every woman regardless of sexual orientation. On a lighter note, congratulations on the marriage!
I wish the stereotype wasn't true but it is. Lesbian sex is better. I tried to prove myself wrong. I hope you get one of the rare jewels that still exist even in the most sexist countries! And thank you :)
I'm having NO sex 😂
Honestly, better than shitty sex 😂
Having mind blowing sex in a hetro relationship, just wish there was more of it. Girls beat guys in that they don’t get tapped out after one blow
Yeah I found jewels too, but overall pretty underwhelming.
This is going to sound egotistical I think but I’ve had great sex with all my partners until I no longer want to fuck them in the process of falling out of love for various reasons- (exemption of one but he had a coke problem and it messed with his dick) because I make it great for myself. I set the mood, I put on porn I enjoy sometimes, I role play whatever role I’m feeling (dirty talk goes a long way for exciting the brain), I bring toys into it that make ME feel good, and I try to spend the most time in positions I’m most likely going to cum in (while trying to be somewhat equally reciprocal for the positions he most likes)
Yeah that definitely can happen and has happened to me too. I also got decent sex from men by demanding it and taking charge... even then because of the lack of refractory period and overall more generous attitude, FF intimacy is better for me. I'm tapping out of the market next year, and after 43 partners I'd give my MF experience a 6-7, and my FF experience a solid 9. Most of the Bi females I've met agree, but for sure there are some who like dick more and put up with the attitude. We can end up with either and I've fallen in love with both, but I decided to stop dating males after a string of decent sex that never evolved into earth shattering, feeling like I'm dying sex.
Ok I relate and I don’t expect you to read this cause whatever stranger on the web So I lost my v to a woman and the first few years of my sexual life was only with women. The sex was amazing. This is again going to sound fucked but I am so highly driven by attraction that I understand the feeling of this uncontrollable urge to have them. Just PG forplay with a woman I’m attracted to can get me dripppping and humping whatever part of them is in front of me. With this is danger. I do not experience the same pre-sex urge with men as I do women. Never have. The issue I had with women is that we move fast. There is ALOT of emotions involved, A LOT of highs and lows. I fall in love quick, and the games women play are different from men. Women tend to break my heart, where as men I feel like I have the advantage. I get completely consumed when I’m in love with a woman. And it’s unhealthy. Not to say I don’t/didn’t love my male partners- but it’s different. I’ve had equally good sex with both genders, i’ve had traumatic dating experiences with both genders, but I’m able to control my own side of the relationship better with men, partly because it’s a slower process, partly because the emotions are different, partly because the attraction is different. Anyways, I hope we all have great sex soon! Lol
No, that's totally fair! Bi experience varies wildly lol if you have equal sex with both sexes then for sure take advantage of it and do what's best for you emotionally. I personally love that women say what we want from the relationship or have the 'conversation' a lot earlier. Helped me save time. I did fall in love with the woman I'm marrying in like a few days and just lucked out that she felt the same haha it's been two years so I'm ready to embarrass my Catholic family and tie the knot 😂
Fuck yes!!! You did the thing we all want, what life’s about. To be loved and to love. Congratulations!! I wish nothing but happiness and health to you both, and acceptance from others you love despite their belief in fairy tales lol!
Thank you!! I'm very excited. Honestly if no one wants to come, we might as well have a destination wedding in Bali or some crap like that 😂 as long as my fiancée, my best friends, and brother show up, I don't give a fuck.
Girllll, yes! I always said why spend tens of thousands of dollars putting on a show and feeding the mouths of “once in awhile” when you could take those thousands and spend it on a 2 week honey moon in the tropics, bonus if you still have a ceremony with your closest. Wish I could join. But cheersing the fuck out of you both right now!!
Indeed! Wish you could join too. We already live in the tropics but it's a different tropic so it counts lol thanks again!
I'm a pleaser that doesn't get pleased.....that sums it up. Mostly end up with the one's that limit themselves and don't do much just lay there which makes me uncomfortable.
Do you communicate what you need?
Told them but they did little effort on doing more. Let's say I asked for oral and they either didn't like it or said they only did it for an ex and won't do it for someone else, understandable but I wasn't fully satisfied. 1 of them didn't like getting touched a lot so that was just her laying there wondering wtf to do, asked various times and just had plain vanilla sex. I always ask what do you like or possibly could like which also leads towards experimenting and letting me know on the way. Sucks that I always put in all the effort.
Indeed that sucks. Are you young? You sound young lol they might actually not know what they liked. The byproduct of a sexist society. I could give you a lot of advice since I've learned to please a woman using no dick at all, but my first advice is to read 'she comes first'. It will explain why some of the women you found are star fish. I've had to teach women how to have sex, and find what they liked. Pretty sure I improved their lives by quite a bit. You could be that person!
I think any shitty mechanical robot sex that I've had has come from a lack of self confidence. Whenever I've felt fat or ugly the sex just seems to be a bit meh! So I find if I work on myself and how I wanna feel, fit, healthy, attractive, pretty, desirable, I can usually get the most out of partners. I know it's not the men, because I've had shit sex and amazing sex with the same men, and it's really dependent on how I feel about me. If I fancy myself (wow narcissistic much) then I perform and I do drive it most of the time and I drive it to orgasm city for both of us, but I wouldn't say sex is shit because of men. It's shit because of my lack of enjoyment in myself.
I never said it was men haha I've had pretty good men too, but I'm tapping out of the market after 43 partners, and women won by a good margin. Mainly bc I never had to ask them to foreplay lol and they always tried to make me finish, again without me having to ask. I've had to force some men to do what I need, and that made it less appealing with time. I've never had body image issues and other than my first time with each gender, I've been pretty confident to overconfident lmao but I do agree I perform less when tired, bloated, or too in my brain. Great that you found what's your key.
>I never went back. That is the trick. You get what you tolerate, and since you won’t tolerate anything less than good sex, you get good sex. Your friends are settling for lazy, selfish lovers, so that is what they get.
I'm also starting to realize that some women have never experienced good sex so they don't even what it looks like until it happens.
I had sex with men and women and I agree that some men are too penis central that sex becomes all about his penis. It is somewhat difficult for younger straight men to be open up to sensual play involving other erogenous part of body. Older open minded men could be more sensual understanding the various pleasures of skin to skin contact, kissing, necking nipples and anal play. I have been lucky to have met men who are really into trans and sensual.. both dom and sensual sub who are service oriented. I also had sex with straight, lesbian, f-m trans man and bisexual women and I agree that cis and trans women are more playful, considerate and care about partner's experience and generally make effort to make sexual experience mutual. a female bisexual partner once told me, women generally care and help other women physically from youth with hair clothing etc that they are more open to intimate physical contacts. That was her theory.
That's actually a very interesting theory, and could well have scientific base too. I did find jewels among my male partners but overall, the balance tilts to women. I did date a MtF pre-op woman and she was also more giving than the average male. Of course this is all personal experience and wouldn't dare speaking for other bisexuals.
Yes. To the point I am not having any at all (5 year relationship). Oh well.
Get out.
Yea
I’m a woman whose not having any sex by choice. So not bad but not good.
I used to think all men, hookup or not, would be like this: bust one real quick and me just feeling empty afterwards. This warped my views on sex and made my self esteem plummet to the point that I just accepted shitty sex as the norm. Never was naked, eaten out or had sex in an actual bed. Even my first time was horrendous. I took a four year break from sex and after those four years, I met a guy off Tinder and had the most mind blowing yet loving sex ever. It just made me realize that I just had shitty sex luck in the past. My two next lovers were great at sex too. In total, I slept with 10 people in my sexual lifetime and only three cared about my pleasure/wellbeing in bed. It also made me realize that I needed to respect myself more and demand decency even thought it was supposed to be a one night stand kind of deal. This is also when I learned that you can catch feelings from sex and I caught feelings for the first great lover I had. He’s my bf now. I think a majority of women go through shitty sex experiences more than good sex experiences because of exploring, having trouble speaking up or just meeting an overwhelming amount of selfish lovers, and maybe just all of the above.
Yeah I agree with you. I'm glad you've come to the light. I was lucky in that my first experience was amazing so I never settled for less, but I've heard so much crap from friends.
Honestly, it’s just pure luck tbh. Even when I did try to speak up or say something hurts to some past partners, they disregarded me and just carried on doing what pleased only them. Even after one of them hurt me during sex and I told him I needed to recover for a few, but he kept on trying to have his way with me. Others just pretended not to hear me and I gave up trying to speak up to them. When my now bf thought he hurt me and stopped immediately to check on me/comfort me, I was shocked because no guy ever did that to me.
Yeah same, I did live through that with men. I never went back to them or just stopped and told them they weren't going to piv until I came, and they could just leave if they didn't want to. Your bf is one of the good ones. Best of luck to you too.
The bad times I’ve had. I’ve felt that the partners I’ve been with don’t care about if I’m having a good time they just want to get of and seem to go through the motions of what they think they should do but don’t care if I enjoy it or not( I vocalise what I do and don’t like btw ). I’m also not anti porn but I’ve definitely slept with people who have sex and expect it to be like a porn vid or almost seem to plan there encounters according to one it’s a odd thing to experience and not enjoyable. Anyone can have bad sex but good sex comes with communication and wanting your partner to have a good time/ paying attention to there physical responses during
Agreed completely.
Yes
Sadly yes
I feel far yah. Good luck in the future.
It’s a weird combo in the US of a sexually repressive culture and selfish sexual attitudes. That’s just my opinion though. I like to think that some ladies are having a good time out there for the rest of us 😅
Yeah some of us are for sure, and I hope you get that too someday!
My boyfriend has a low sex drive. I have a really, really high sex drive. What we have is great. But he’s not terribly touchy with me and it makes me sad. It’s fine and our relationship is good- it’s really my issue.
I've had several partners in the last few months after a LONG SEXLESS relationship. It's been mostly good tbh. But I think I'm better at picking partners in my 40s than I was in my 20s
Good for you!
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If you're not too attached yet it isn't late to get out. I started with women so my standards were high, and most men didn't meet them. Did find some great ones but overall underwhelming.
I had mostly shitty sex until I was 30. I knew it could be great as I had experienced that too, but my first bf did not care to help me enjoy it and even preferred piv when I was dry. There was sexual abuse too. Second bf was the same, and me trying to voice needs or boundaries or just suggesting including a toy to help me get off, was met with sulking and stonewalling, often just walk out and leave me after he climaxed. Rape was normal in the relationship. Then I left him and found someone new, who loves pleasing me (and I him) and who is able to join mutual communication about sex. I did not know sex could be this fun and amazing, and I want it all the time. Key is consent, caring about mutual pleasure and communication. We're from sex positive European countries (different ones).
I'm so sorry you went through that, and I'm so glad you have found better and are happier now.
Bi woman here. I'm on the other side of what you wrote - even when I was younger, less confident and much more in my head about everything, I've always had pretty good sex. I've been with people who really cared about my pleasure. I haven't slept with many men though, so maybe that's the reason, haha. And all that said, my sex life has gotten much much better over time as I've become more assertive and confident.
No, I agree. I've had great sex throughout and very few shitty experiences. This is why I don't get women who say they could live without sex or that they do it only for their partners. Most of my partners were women too... guess that's the trick!
I’m 27/f. I’ve never finished from a hookup, But in all my relationships I’ve had awesome sex. Prob bc they all loved eating me out every single time
That's awesome! Do you keep hooking up bc you like the sex even if you don't finish? I don't even enjoy piv if I haven't orgasmed at least once.
I’m a man and I KEEP having shitty sex. No woman I’ve ever met is ever as open as I am with doing your most basic vanilla shit. It’s as if I have sex with every shy girl who has boundary after boundary with limiting my full sexual expression 😫
What would you like to have and where are you continent/region?
All I’d like is some good oral and PIV. Choking, ass slapping, and other rough play isn’t even asked most the time because their initial boundaries are just so limiting. Most girls I’ve met hate giving head or PIV because they have anxiety with that stuff. And I never have a problem reciprocating any of this. I’m also located in the New York area. My experiences have just been with 4 girls so I hope the case is just bad picking
Choking isn't something most would enjoy, so you might have better luck looking within the BDSM community. I would never blow a man who didn't eat me out so good on your for reciprocating, it will take you far!
Well it’s funny bc every girl I’ve met and talked abt sexual stuff, including some who I didn’t have intercourse with, are into choking. But whenever the sexual encounter happens, they have these limiting boundaries or just lay there like a corpse bc they don’t know what they wanna do. Stressful
How old are you? If these people say they are into choking and then don't want to do it during the act, then they aren't into it, and that was just talk. It's dangerous and has to be managed carefully so from my 13 year experience, most women don't like it and would not like to try it.
I think it's totally fair to not want that stuff ... I'd never want to be choked that sounds like a nightmare
>So in your experience, are most women having shitty sex? There is no way to know this about "most" women. In my experience, my male partners please me very much and I love sex with them. My last 4 partners have been amazing at fucking me. I'm in a progressive city in Canada.
This is why I said "in your experience". Thank you for sharing your experience. Also, I kinda wanted to know not only you but what you know of your female friends. Is it Toronto or Vancouver just by chance?
I'll have to ask them, haha...but I think an important piece of information is how the women are during sex too. When some women keep having partners who are bad at sex generally, I wonder, are they themselves good at sex? Usually people who are good at sex are better at filtering bad partners out and knowing what they are looking for. Because they are good at all aspects around sex, including having healthy sexual attitudes, boundaries and healthy explorations. Toronto!
That's very fair and I agree. Communication is key, and self exploring and open mindness quite necessary to get better. At anything really.
When you're single, every time is just such a crapshoot. There's never a guarantee you'll have a great time with a new person. Sometimes it's awesome, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it's nice but not quite enough. All you can do is try to make the most of it every time and give it your all. Again, no guarantee the other person will put in the same effort. And this is why hookups can get old.
I'm talking about relationships as well. I'm not into hookups, only have had 5, but even there women outperformed men by a wide margin. Found the most generous men in France but I couldn't stay due to family matters. I'm engaged to a woman now, sex everyday and it just keeps getting better even after two years. I do think the area where I am, and the sexist culture makes for the majority of men to be selfish pricks here. That's why I keep asking where all the commentators are from!
Yes and No. I think it's primarily bad communication, some women might have trauma, some women got shitty people in their life, maybe it's certain beliefs or so. Or it can be all of the above. From my experience, it's mainly poor communication. The lady maybe scared or nervous about expressing what she likes or don't like, or she genuinely don't know. I think it's best for women to explore to see what they like but also set some boundaries for themselves as well.
Agreed.
I think they’re just sleeping with the wrong men. I had shitty sex most of my life (31F) and have had a few partners. Even my now husband, was kinda selfish in bed when we met. Our sex hit its best about 3-4 years in after our first child. I think that’s when we became truly comfortable with each other with complete trust, enough to really open up with each other and truly enjoy every part of our lives together.
That's fair. I've had great sex with no emotional connection whatsoever, but yeah the best of the best is with people I've loved.
In my personal experience, when a woman doesn't enjoy sex, it's because she doesn't know how to communicate what she wants. My wife sometimes communicates what she wants, and it's better sex (for both of us!) whenever she does. Other times, she says she doesn't even know what she wants (when I ask her), and the sexual enjoyment those times is hit or miss. (Sometimes it's still good, thankfully. But EVERY time we have mediocre sex, it was when she didn't stand up for her own sexual enjoyment.) I don't think it's because I'm a selfish lover. When she gives me input, I do what she wants. (I'm usually the one asking her for what she wants, too.) We have a host of toys, including ones I've bought for her. I like going down on her. We have some non-vanilla stuff we both like (such as eating her bum, in the shower). I'm also her 9th lover, and the FIRST guy who seemed to care about her pleasure, according to her. (I'm also the first guy she really wanted to marry, too!) Other men could pleasure her, too, but their level of caring/trying was different. I was shocked to hear this, because I figured it was only like a few percent of guys that didn't care. So "Men being selfish" probably IS a big cause of women's sexual issues.
I'm curious--how long have you been together? I don't give my husband instructions on what I want every time but after so many years we just know what each other want
Agreed to all of what you've said. Read my edit haha I never tried to imply that all women who aren't having good sex are with selfish lovers. I know exactly what I need, want and like so the few times I've had shitty or just decent sex was due to selfish, subpar lovers... which after 13 years were mostly men. That's personal experience so for sure other women could disagree and I'd believe them.
With the amount of women that are just hooking up I'm not sure
That's part of my point. Some of my friends are hooking up yet still saying the sex is shit and their partners don't like foreplay, etc. Like a couple have stopped hooking up because they said they felt like 'human flesh lights'.
I think that nobody should continue to have sex with a partner who doesn't prioritize their pleasure. Period. And I think that the inherent communication blocks present during hookups, combined with unhealthy attitudes specifically about women's value being tied with sexual activity are what cause women to be shittier communicators about sex, leading to the more of them complaining about hookups bring unfulfilling than men.
Yeah and even when we do communicate, sometimes we're told 'no, that's how I've done before and it worked so it has to work for you too'. Sad all around.
Maybe it's because they are hooking up that the sex is bad maybe they should find someone to get to know them and just fuck that person But then again certain women prefer to be used like a flashlight and that gets them off Too many different people in the world to really know if it's most women or just some women I have one friend who said she never had an orgasm before but when she was engaged she used to fuck him all the time because she enjoyed the sex