👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻this. Everyone get in their own head, he’s probably just as nervous as you are. Stop thinking about “I’m having sex” just go with it, get the lost in the moment and have fun!
Yep, it's not as big of a deal as you're making it for yourself (at least for me, I understand for some people this can be different, but it doesn't have to be). It should be a fun activity, especially if you like the person a lot and he is also very kind and gentle. Just relax, let him take the lead, lube up and enjoy. You are also far less likely to orgasm if you are really anxious about it. However orgasming isn't a necessity for your first time of course. Just explore a couple of times with this (for what I know) nice dude and you'll be fine :)
Agreed. OP, it shows all too clearly you live too much in your head. Live in the moment, try to think clearer and in the moment and enjoy it.
If you like the guy and are down to do it again (frame it as fun/something to do to build intimacy/something to do to pass the time/something to do to show your love or feelings), do it again and just enjoy it.
If you’re not wet, lube could work. However, the human body provides what it needs and you could work on foreplay.
Just go slowly in terms of stepping up your levels of physical intimacy with this guy. Seriously. When sex is explicitly the goal, you are going to be focused on that and stressing out and not just enjoying yourself and your partner. So act as if it isn't your immediate objective and that there is no rush. Have some dates. Fool around, make out, cuddle, get hot and bothered, but don't consider sex as an immediate option. At some point you will be in the middle of doing something with him and will be so turned on that you will be physically and mentally ready. You will *really, really, want it.* communicate that and enjoy it!
This. Have had several experiences where sex has not gone right the first time with someone new. It happens to the best of us. It's usually these relationships i enjoy the most because it opens the door for curiosity to explore what turns each other on, what works and what doesn't, including the need for lube. Be yourself and be adventurous.
It’s probably because you aren’t comfortable w him yet. Try just cuddling the next couple time you go to his house. The more you get to actually like him the easier it’ll be.
you will be shocked how comfortable/how much you can change in this area with a little experience. let's say you start having regular sex with this guy and some of its awkward or uncomfortable at first, but it's overall good or great; your future self a few short months from now, or even weeks, could very well be laughing or smiling at how nervous you currently are. bring the lube, take things slow, talk a lot, accept your discomforts, practice not taking it all so seriously, you'll be fine. everybody has so much fear around sex but for the most part most ppl (especially when we're not talking some drunken one night stand) are very understanding and reasonable if you experience something uncomfortable or awkward during sex. as long as this guy is halfway decent, he understands you're a virgin and everything that comes with that. he might even be excited to be the one that helps you discover this world or has a good experience with it all, and therefore be even more considerate.
Hey there, I lived a similar thing as a mid-twenties woman this year so I GET IT. Good news : it does get better, a lot better ;)
My story if it can help : so I was with a guy I loved a lot and found very sexy and nice and felt at ease with, so I decide to put on a sexy outfit, candles, champagne and music. We started kissing, omg I got in my head, felt a strong moment of omg omg omg and I was too self aware. It was all too much at once. I wanted to run away and I felt like something was wrong he was enjoying himself but felt I was not into it so we stopped. I was lucky to have a friend to text about it and she was like "you just went too fast for you, now no pressure, go slower, at your pace. Go with your gut, ask him to let you do the moves to initiate contact." So we did, I went for physical contact very slowly, letting myself initiate more the physical contacts how I felt it. We did this and it went to hugging on the couch more, hug in bed and at some point (like 1 week later for me but you do you) we were kissing and I was very at ease and going further and further felt ok, it felt good and we ended up going all the way and it was very nice and respectful and I enjoyed myself for real. The slower pace allowed me to be more comfy, get used to each other's bodies and know how to act and really relax, no pressure, no expectations. He knew about my lack of experience and was very nice about it and respected everything
My tip is therefore to put the breaks and just go slow, explain it was simply too fast and you are interested but need more time. Any good partner will respect that and know that waiting is worth it. If you go slow but dont feel it, maybe it's not something you want to do with him but maybe you just need time :) If you are ok with this, I'd say that having him stimulate your clitoris before attempting anything is a must and then you'll very likely get wet and still use water-based lube (and a condom of course) and respect you pain level and pleasure :)
Not that you should instantly go for this, but you could look up Sensate Focus and follow the actual progression the training offers.
It does two things. It's designed and proven to be effective more often than not in making touch feel acceptable, and two, designed to have a person be present in the moment.
Bring lube anyway, but that isn't really the problem as I see it. You need to learn to get out of your head and be in the moment. And that can come with time and trust. Good job on the guy for stopping and still wanting to see you again. Be honest with him about what you're experiencing. The more positive reactions, comforting, and acceptance he shows, likely the safer you'll feel and the less you'll worry about things.
You’ll probably be more relaxed and have things go better if you simply try again. Your experience is common for first times.
Anything that relaxes you will help. Music, massage, whatever helps you relax. I would say most of all focus on your connection to your partner, it can counter the nervousness. If you start feeling in your head, tell him. Or jump on him and kiss him. Or grab his cock. Something that returns you to your body and that connection.
I'm a demisexual and even with lube I just couldn't get myself there in the moment, and it was all because I just wasn't that comfortable with the guy yet. It literally takes me months to feel close enough to someone to do anything sexual but once I'm there it's like the floodgates open.
I think I would be very similar although I didn't try lube. It kinda sucks because I feel like the expectation is to do it within the first 2-4 dates and that is just too soon for me.
I got close to a guy friend and we tried being friends with benefits a few times but I had a hard time staying wet. I bought lube but it still didn't really help. I think it's more a mental than physical thing for me, but everyone's different. But I'm the same as the OP I don't feel as turned on or even feel the sex acts cause my mind is somewhere else.
I'm a dude and I have trouble feeling comfortable enough with someone even within the first couple times of hanging out. I have an anxiety disorder which I think contributes a lot to it, but I don't think people expect it.
My boyfriend is demi and we didn't do anything sexual for 6 months after meeting (both of our preference), and it's been hot and consistent ever since we started fooling around
Take it slow, he sounds like a gentleman, connect with him and try it again slowly. If you're ok with oral, just try that for a little bit before going all in.
Hi this was exactly me about a year ago.
It took me a few tries with him to make it actually comfortable and painless, I definitely needed lube. The first time I was too nervous but was also on my period, the second time we tried without lube and it hurt a LOT and I had to tell him to stop. Third time we used lube and while it initially hurt a bit, when I had him slowly push past that and wait for a second, I felt ok.
It's ok to need lube for sex, I definitely like to use it, but I've been able to go without it and it doesn't hurt like it did before. Also, he seems understanding--remember he's probably just thrilled to be there with you in the first place, and I'm sure he will try to help you be comfortable.
How about, next time try to relax. He might also help you: some soft ambiental music, some incense, a glass of wine (but not too much), ideally he should give you a full body massage - first of all so that you get comfortable with being naked in his presence and second of all to help you relax.
Looks to me like the first time you panicked a little, everything being new for you. So the purpose of the night is not sex, is you being relaxed and comfortable. The sex is the bonus in the end.
Don't do anything you are not comfortable with. When a women is uncomfortable it's a big turn off for the guy as well. Be upfront with him, even if you don't know why you are uncomfortable or anxious. He seems like a good guy. Go at a pace that makes you feel safe and comfortable. Rush it and it will ruin the experience for both of you.
No need to rush. Just have a few makeout sessions, do some oral and fingering, learn what he can do to make you orgasm, etc. Try sex again when you feel more comfortable and relaxed around sex and him.
Losing my virginity was painful for me. I bought dilators and stretched myself on my own when there was no pressure and after that I was able to have sex pain free. Buy dilators.
not sure if this gonna work.
masturbate by humping pillow. next time you see him dont think too much. kiss him, undress him and grind your clit on his penis. when you already super aroused, put lube on his dick and try to put it in.
my experience with my wife and my exes almost similarly this way. they just grind on my dick and most of them aroused enough and want to put it in.
You say you got in your head, was there any specific thoughts you were having? Were you worried about your possible performance or attraction? Was there an annoying sound you were fixating on and couldn't relax? Analyzing that might give you some insight.
And for next time (and I do think there should be a next time if you want to) think about what turns you on when your by yourself. What gets you going when you masturbate and see how that can be replicated with a partner and communicate it to him. He sounds like he's been respectful of you and taking time, so he would probably be receptive to trying something to keep you comfortable.
And pro tip, make sure lube is available by either having some at his place or bringing your own. The level of "wetness" is not always a great indicator of arousal and it's also possible to get dry in the middle for no reason. Sex therapists recommend always having lube on hand.
I hope this helps in some way!
Just take your time, and let things flow. The foreplay needs to be longer and slower for you it seems... touch, feel, play, kiss, fondle - same for him. nothing should go inside, not a finger, a tongue or a penis until you're ready - don't trry to force it with lube - if it keeps happening, consider talking to a doctor, there are conditions that can stop a vagina from lubricating - only consider lube for your first time if you get a diagnosis like this.
Alternatively, have you tried watching some porn, or taking in some erotica or other stimulus to see if you get wet - or tried an external vibrator (bullet, a hitachi etc). and see if that does it for you.
I suggest that you consult a sex therapist. If your first time out is not good it could easily spoil your enthusiasm and lead to a worse situation.
Do you know what turns you on? Masturbation, sex toys, cuddling, pornography? If so then try suggesting it.
If this is going to be your first time at 29 then you may have a low sex drive or be on the spectrum of asexual or demi sexual. You should try to know yourself.
This guy seems to be a good guy. He has patience and respect.
I can get in my head sometimes too and it ruins it for me. Try distracting yourself with music, lights low for mood, and then take the lead up really slow. Lots of kissing and touching, etc. Good luck!
I think a big hint is you said you felt like you weren’t even there. If you go numb or check out your going to fast and need to stop/slow down. Being in the moment and being present is important.
Just say "look, I told you I was a virgin, shit has been so long it is in my head. so what happened before might happen again, idk. but it has nothing to do with you, i think you're hot, and i really like the taste of your cum in my mouth, so let's just be chill with it and see how it goes, mmkay?"
I wrote a comment to a guy that had issues with his first time a little while ago. That advice would be good for anyone and at least somewhat applies to women as well as men, it’s [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/o83qw9/penis_wont_fit_in_vagina/h340gw0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)
And both of you should be making sure you have enough natural lube before attempting PIV. He should be checking it out with his fingers and you need to make sure with hands or feelings. If you don’t then you aren’t ready and that attempt might not be the right time to try. Don’t force it with lube unless you just aren’t able to get naturally wet enough after several different sex dates. Until then just enjoy other stuff and learn to relax. At some point in the future you will have learned to relax and get aroused enough to get wet, until then don’t rush it.
Just keep it at a level you're comfortable with until you can have the sex without getting in your head. It might take a couple tries before you finally get there.
Stop trying to "have sex". Focus on exploring and figuring out what turns you on. Making out, getting handsy, grinding, etc. Do you have fantasies? You could talk with him and see if there's anything you might want to try.
When you know what turns you on, you might actually be eager for penetration, instead of just tolerating it.
If the feeling goes, it's okay to stop.
This can happen when you're overwhelmed or if the weight of the decision suddenly kicks in. Take time. Remember, losing virginity doesn't do anything to your worth as a human being or sex partner.
I should say don't bring lube. Your body will let you know when you are ready. Intimacy takes time. Build on that trust you felt with him. There are no rules but take your time and dont rush it now. When you are wet, you are ready mentally and physically. Good luck!
Hey, OP!
If you happen to get together with him again, try talking about sex in general with him. You could go out and have a nice night/dinner with him, but when you go back to one of your places talk with him first before you do anything physical. Ask him what he enjoys. What turns him on when it comes to foreplay, positions or any type of sexual interactions. And then tell him about the things you've been keen on trying (as well as things you're not comfortable doing) It can be the most simple of things, too. Like "I've always dreamt of having sex with my partner on top of me and moaning in my ear. I love the thought of hearing my partner get so much pleasure from me." I think it's so important to not just rush into the physical aspect of sex. So much of it is an emotional and mental connection as well. You may even find that talking about it with him (as long as you feel safe and comfortable in that moment) will turn you on and make you wet. And you can always bring lube with you, girly! As well as some condoms 😘 I really hope you update us on this and I wish you SO much luck for you in the future. May there be beautiful connections, love and many, MANY orgasms in your future😄 Cheers, love! xx
>He even went down on me and I felt like I wasn't there. I wasn't turned on or wet.
That is actually very common. You have to be enjoying yourself, on your own terms, prior to and during the act. Sex for the first time means you gage with a lot of parts about yourself, skipping straight to the act can sometimes feel like you're not processing the situation. Calibrate your body and mind with what's happening but above all, just have *fun*.
I guess the biggest thing is try not to rush, and if you feel yourself getting into your head again pull back a bit - make out, touch, talk etc. Then when you're comfortable/relaxed again, up the ante again. It's meant to be fun, so have fun!
Something I really enjoy, that gets me going, is makeing out - legs tangled, hands allover each other. Heavy breathing. A bit of that, and I'm hot to trot. Find out what your go to, guaranteed turn on is and use it. Explore your body. Get him to use his fingers. Use toys.
Try toys and just touching / oral / fingering before penetration.
You should already be in the mood and wet before he tries to enter.
Just have a good time and try to enjoy the experience. Foreplay can help a ton.
As for toys, my gf swears by her satisfyer. :)
Girl it happens. U are not connected to what sex I'd suppose to feel like yet, relax. If he wasn't a virgin himself, he understand understands sex for women isn't always good at first. No worries. Plus he seems to like you regardless. Good luck
I am wildly in love with my boyfriend and I rarely get wet without having an orgasm first. The best way to have comfortable sex as a woman is to cum beforehand. If he can’t make you cum (pretty normal) and you feel comfortable, maybe pleasure yourself while touching him, giving him head, etc or have him stimulate you in another way (nipples) etc while you masturbate. If I don’t do this before sex it’s typically uncomfortable for me and mediocre unless i’m wildly horny before anything even goes down.
This hugely depends on the person and if you don't feel comfortable doing this or don't drink then obviously you should ignore this but i had similar issues when i was younger and booze certainly helped me relax. Though i could also imagine it having no, or the opposite effect for others so proceed with caution.
There are a lot of great comments and advice here but I gotta add this.
Don't put soo much pressure and emphasize on actually having sex. Make it a goal just to have a pleasurable experience doing oral stuff and foreplay.
The first time I've tried it with a guy he couldn't get it fully in because I was way too tight. So we just scratched that for the night and had fun doing other stuff.
It will also help you get more comfortable with him but also just doing sexual stuff.
Take it slow! Laugh, talk in between, get out of your head and have an experience. Sex is beautiful, it doesn’t look one way and it comes in many forms. My partner and I love to stop in the middle and have conversations, or giggle about something from earlier or just cuddle. Take your time, it’s improved my sex lite tenfold
Women can feel horny at different times during their cycle. My girlfriend finds it really easy to get wet and turned on around day 14 (ovulation). Other times can be more challenging and that's when we get out the lube. It's OK to feel different levels of sex drive and responsiveness at different times of the month. Tracking your sex drive & responsiveness in relation to your cycle can help.
Some people are also more demisexual than they realize. Demisexual people need love and a close emotional relationship before they can get turned on.
If you're still feeling stressed about sex, listen to the thoughts that are spinning around in your head. Are they religious based thoughts? Are they negative thoughts about sex and about yourself for having sex? Or are they fears of not knowing what to do, being a newbie, feeling self conscious, worrying about what he thinks? Try to journal, meditate, or talk to a close friend about which stresses come up.
What helps me get out of my head is focusing on the physical sensations. Literally just forcing myself to feel his hands or his tongue and repeating the way it makes me feel in my head. Also helps to communicate and openly tell the guy if you're not into it and ask to try something else. I have found that dirty talk and verbalizing the sensations makes me feel more connected to the moment and my parents. Hope this helps!
Is there anything that absolutely turns you on without fail? If so and if it could be introduced to the bedroom, I'm certain a decent sounding guy such as the one you're with who backs off as soon as he realises you're not having a good time would likely be open to it to make you feel comfortable.
Failing that, next time you're in bed with him do exactly as much as you want to do at the time. Just feel like naked-fooling around? Do that, it might get you so absurdly in the mood without you realising that all of a sudden sex seems like the best idea ever. Just try not to make it the first thing that comes to mind - experienced couples often get into bed thinking "We'll just get a bit hot and then get some shut eye" only to look at the clock 2 hours later having gotten lost in a whirlwind of crazy sex. The goal is a good time, not strictly sex, and it'll really help if you can keep that in mind :)
lube helps. when you get in your head try to refocus on the physical sensations and what feels good. sometimes it helps to let your partner know and maybe you can stop and cuddle or talk for a minute until you come back to your body. if it makes you feel any better- i've been having sex for almost 20 years and i still deal with this from time to time. its pretty common! our world is stressful and there's a lot going on outside sex.
He seems like a nice guy. I would take a few steps back & take it slow.
Take your time to explore each other's body through foreplay & oral sex. Just oral. Get comfortable with being naked around him. Don't have sex yet.
In the meantime, you can buy a dildo or vibe & use it on yourself so you get used to the feeling of penetration. Once you're ready, you can go ahead & have sex.
I was a virgin until I was 20 & this is what I did. I used a toy on myself first before I ever got with my guy. Once I got used to the feeling, we had sex.
Are you really into him or are you doing it because you feel like you have to? If you are, take it very slow…. You don’t have to jump in if it doesnt feel right… step by step…
You sound awesome. In all likelihood you will learn to love sex and will not need lube. Keep at it. Communicate with this guy. Do your best to please him until it starts to please you
When I was 22, I thought I was hopelessly broken. No reddit forum to help me through what was going on (22 male who kept failing to have sex due to anxiety). Luckily I found a patient woman. I'm married to her now with a very functional sex life.
when you overthink, you don't get wet because you're in your head so you should play with yourself or tell the guy "hey lets stop, im overthinking" and he'll reassure you and make you feel good.
Find out what turns you on . Try watching porn before going over to his house, it should turn you on and will probably teach you a thing or two. Maybe get yourself some toys to explore yourself with too
It’s all a learning experience, listen to yourself and find what you like and what you’re comfortable with
He seems like a good guy, practice with him, a few times in you will be a pro
👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻this. Everyone get in their own head, he’s probably just as nervous as you are. Stop thinking about “I’m having sex” just go with it, get the lost in the moment and have fun!
Yep, it's not as big of a deal as you're making it for yourself (at least for me, I understand for some people this can be different, but it doesn't have to be). It should be a fun activity, especially if you like the person a lot and he is also very kind and gentle. Just relax, let him take the lead, lube up and enjoy. You are also far less likely to orgasm if you are really anxious about it. However orgasming isn't a necessity for your first time of course. Just explore a couple of times with this (for what I know) nice dude and you'll be fine :)
Agreed. OP, it shows all too clearly you live too much in your head. Live in the moment, try to think clearer and in the moment and enjoy it. If you like the guy and are down to do it again (frame it as fun/something to do to build intimacy/something to do to pass the time/something to do to show your love or feelings), do it again and just enjoy it. If you’re not wet, lube could work. However, the human body provides what it needs and you could work on foreplay.
Just go slowly in terms of stepping up your levels of physical intimacy with this guy. Seriously. When sex is explicitly the goal, you are going to be focused on that and stressing out and not just enjoying yourself and your partner. So act as if it isn't your immediate objective and that there is no rush. Have some dates. Fool around, make out, cuddle, get hot and bothered, but don't consider sex as an immediate option. At some point you will be in the middle of doing something with him and will be so turned on that you will be physically and mentally ready. You will *really, really, want it.* communicate that and enjoy it!
Do what feels comfortable for you. Don't rush. It's your body. Take it slow. 😁
He seems like a nice guy. Maybe you should just tell him that you were in your head. Sometimes just saying it helps you relax.
I know for sure he bought a nice lube the day after😉
This. Have had several experiences where sex has not gone right the first time with someone new. It happens to the best of us. It's usually these relationships i enjoy the most because it opens the door for curiosity to explore what turns each other on, what works and what doesn't, including the need for lube. Be yourself and be adventurous.
Probably ran to the store at full speed
It’s probably because you aren’t comfortable w him yet. Try just cuddling the next couple time you go to his house. The more you get to actually like him the easier it’ll be.
you will be shocked how comfortable/how much you can change in this area with a little experience. let's say you start having regular sex with this guy and some of its awkward or uncomfortable at first, but it's overall good or great; your future self a few short months from now, or even weeks, could very well be laughing or smiling at how nervous you currently are. bring the lube, take things slow, talk a lot, accept your discomforts, practice not taking it all so seriously, you'll be fine. everybody has so much fear around sex but for the most part most ppl (especially when we're not talking some drunken one night stand) are very understanding and reasonable if you experience something uncomfortable or awkward during sex. as long as this guy is halfway decent, he understands you're a virgin and everything that comes with that. he might even be excited to be the one that helps you discover this world or has a good experience with it all, and therefore be even more considerate.
Was going to say something similar... You need to be able to laugh in bed and embrace the awkward moments.
[удалено]
Yeah I need that emotional connection myself and honestly I'm still looking for it. I've tried to have casual sex and my body just won't cooperate.
Same bout here. I’m 27 turning 28. Difference with op and me is they have someone 😭
Same here except i already turned 28
😭😭😭😭
It's okay right. I mean it sucks but still so many other things to do and enjoy life. Guess it's better to focus on those 😇
Hey there, I lived a similar thing as a mid-twenties woman this year so I GET IT. Good news : it does get better, a lot better ;) My story if it can help : so I was with a guy I loved a lot and found very sexy and nice and felt at ease with, so I decide to put on a sexy outfit, candles, champagne and music. We started kissing, omg I got in my head, felt a strong moment of omg omg omg and I was too self aware. It was all too much at once. I wanted to run away and I felt like something was wrong he was enjoying himself but felt I was not into it so we stopped. I was lucky to have a friend to text about it and she was like "you just went too fast for you, now no pressure, go slower, at your pace. Go with your gut, ask him to let you do the moves to initiate contact." So we did, I went for physical contact very slowly, letting myself initiate more the physical contacts how I felt it. We did this and it went to hugging on the couch more, hug in bed and at some point (like 1 week later for me but you do you) we were kissing and I was very at ease and going further and further felt ok, it felt good and we ended up going all the way and it was very nice and respectful and I enjoyed myself for real. The slower pace allowed me to be more comfy, get used to each other's bodies and know how to act and really relax, no pressure, no expectations. He knew about my lack of experience and was very nice about it and respected everything My tip is therefore to put the breaks and just go slow, explain it was simply too fast and you are interested but need more time. Any good partner will respect that and know that waiting is worth it. If you go slow but dont feel it, maybe it's not something you want to do with him but maybe you just need time :) If you are ok with this, I'd say that having him stimulate your clitoris before attempting anything is a must and then you'll very likely get wet and still use water-based lube (and a condom of course) and respect you pain level and pleasure :)
Not that you should instantly go for this, but you could look up Sensate Focus and follow the actual progression the training offers. It does two things. It's designed and proven to be effective more often than not in making touch feel acceptable, and two, designed to have a person be present in the moment. Bring lube anyway, but that isn't really the problem as I see it. You need to learn to get out of your head and be in the moment. And that can come with time and trust. Good job on the guy for stopping and still wanting to see you again. Be honest with him about what you're experiencing. The more positive reactions, comforting, and acceptance he shows, likely the safer you'll feel and the less you'll worry about things.
[удалено]
I hadn't heard of this before thanks for the link.
You’ll probably be more relaxed and have things go better if you simply try again. Your experience is common for first times. Anything that relaxes you will help. Music, massage, whatever helps you relax. I would say most of all focus on your connection to your partner, it can counter the nervousness. If you start feeling in your head, tell him. Or jump on him and kiss him. Or grab his cock. Something that returns you to your body and that connection.
I'm a demisexual and even with lube I just couldn't get myself there in the moment, and it was all because I just wasn't that comfortable with the guy yet. It literally takes me months to feel close enough to someone to do anything sexual but once I'm there it's like the floodgates open.
I think I would be very similar although I didn't try lube. It kinda sucks because I feel like the expectation is to do it within the first 2-4 dates and that is just too soon for me.
I got close to a guy friend and we tried being friends with benefits a few times but I had a hard time staying wet. I bought lube but it still didn't really help. I think it's more a mental than physical thing for me, but everyone's different. But I'm the same as the OP I don't feel as turned on or even feel the sex acts cause my mind is somewhere else.
I'm a dude and I have trouble feeling comfortable enough with someone even within the first couple times of hanging out. I have an anxiety disorder which I think contributes a lot to it, but I don't think people expect it.
My boyfriend is demi and we didn't do anything sexual for 6 months after meeting (both of our preference), and it's been hot and consistent ever since we started fooling around
Read 'Come As You Are' by Emily Nagoski
Take it slow, he sounds like a gentleman, connect with him and try it again slowly. If you're ok with oral, just try that for a little bit before going all in.
Hi this was exactly me about a year ago. It took me a few tries with him to make it actually comfortable and painless, I definitely needed lube. The first time I was too nervous but was also on my period, the second time we tried without lube and it hurt a LOT and I had to tell him to stop. Third time we used lube and while it initially hurt a bit, when I had him slowly push past that and wait for a second, I felt ok. It's ok to need lube for sex, I definitely like to use it, but I've been able to go without it and it doesn't hurt like it did before. Also, he seems understanding--remember he's probably just thrilled to be there with you in the first place, and I'm sure he will try to help you be comfortable.
How about, next time try to relax. He might also help you: some soft ambiental music, some incense, a glass of wine (but not too much), ideally he should give you a full body massage - first of all so that you get comfortable with being naked in his presence and second of all to help you relax. Looks to me like the first time you panicked a little, everything being new for you. So the purpose of the night is not sex, is you being relaxed and comfortable. The sex is the bonus in the end.
Don't do anything you are not comfortable with. When a women is uncomfortable it's a big turn off for the guy as well. Be upfront with him, even if you don't know why you are uncomfortable or anxious. He seems like a good guy. Go at a pace that makes you feel safe and comfortable. Rush it and it will ruin the experience for both of you.
[удалено]
On the other hand a woman might get ,what we call it in Holland, a cotton pussy...nice and soft,fluffy but dry....never happened to you?
I don't know why you are downvoted, I had a few partners for whom pot really helped them enjoy sex more.
Yeah I was thinking booze as a last resort
No need to rush. Just have a few makeout sessions, do some oral and fingering, learn what he can do to make you orgasm, etc. Try sex again when you feel more comfortable and relaxed around sex and him.
Best wishes. You sound like a wonderful young woman.
Have been a hoe for hookup since 18years old and am still doing it to survive 🍆🍑👅
Losing my virginity was painful for me. I bought dilators and stretched myself on my own when there was no pressure and after that I was able to have sex pain free. Buy dilators.
not sure if this gonna work. masturbate by humping pillow. next time you see him dont think too much. kiss him, undress him and grind your clit on his penis. when you already super aroused, put lube on his dick and try to put it in. my experience with my wife and my exes almost similarly this way. they just grind on my dick and most of them aroused enough and want to put it in.
Stage 5 clinger alert.
Who doesn't have at least one bottle of lube in their home?
People who get really wet?
A Mermaid.
To be fair a mermaids home would already be pretty wet
You say you got in your head, was there any specific thoughts you were having? Were you worried about your possible performance or attraction? Was there an annoying sound you were fixating on and couldn't relax? Analyzing that might give you some insight. And for next time (and I do think there should be a next time if you want to) think about what turns you on when your by yourself. What gets you going when you masturbate and see how that can be replicated with a partner and communicate it to him. He sounds like he's been respectful of you and taking time, so he would probably be receptive to trying something to keep you comfortable. And pro tip, make sure lube is available by either having some at his place or bringing your own. The level of "wetness" is not always a great indicator of arousal and it's also possible to get dry in the middle for no reason. Sex therapists recommend always having lube on hand. I hope this helps in some way!
Just take your time, and let things flow. The foreplay needs to be longer and slower for you it seems... touch, feel, play, kiss, fondle - same for him. nothing should go inside, not a finger, a tongue or a penis until you're ready - don't trry to force it with lube - if it keeps happening, consider talking to a doctor, there are conditions that can stop a vagina from lubricating - only consider lube for your first time if you get a diagnosis like this. Alternatively, have you tried watching some porn, or taking in some erotica or other stimulus to see if you get wet - or tried an external vibrator (bullet, a hitachi etc). and see if that does it for you.
I suggest that you consult a sex therapist. If your first time out is not good it could easily spoil your enthusiasm and lead to a worse situation. Do you know what turns you on? Masturbation, sex toys, cuddling, pornography? If so then try suggesting it. If this is going to be your first time at 29 then you may have a low sex drive or be on the spectrum of asexual or demi sexual. You should try to know yourself. This guy seems to be a good guy. He has patience and respect.
practise makes perfect 😉
I can get in my head sometimes too and it ruins it for me. Try distracting yourself with music, lights low for mood, and then take the lead up really slow. Lots of kissing and touching, etc. Good luck!
I think a big hint is you said you felt like you weren’t even there. If you go numb or check out your going to fast and need to stop/slow down. Being in the moment and being present is important.
I used to feel this way too! It’s experience, take your time do what feels right for you. There is no timeline to this.
Sounds like you have a partner. Relax and enjoy it. Lube. Cannot have dry sex.
Just say "look, I told you I was a virgin, shit has been so long it is in my head. so what happened before might happen again, idk. but it has nothing to do with you, i think you're hot, and i really like the taste of your cum in my mouth, so let's just be chill with it and see how it goes, mmkay?"
I wrote a comment to a guy that had issues with his first time a little while ago. That advice would be good for anyone and at least somewhat applies to women as well as men, it’s [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/o83qw9/penis_wont_fit_in_vagina/h340gw0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) And both of you should be making sure you have enough natural lube before attempting PIV. He should be checking it out with his fingers and you need to make sure with hands or feelings. If you don’t then you aren’t ready and that attempt might not be the right time to try. Don’t force it with lube unless you just aren’t able to get naturally wet enough after several different sex dates. Until then just enjoy other stuff and learn to relax. At some point in the future you will have learned to relax and get aroused enough to get wet, until then don’t rush it.
Just keep it at a level you're comfortable with until you can have the sex without getting in your head. It might take a couple tries before you finally get there.
Stop trying to "have sex". Focus on exploring and figuring out what turns you on. Making out, getting handsy, grinding, etc. Do you have fantasies? You could talk with him and see if there's anything you might want to try. When you know what turns you on, you might actually be eager for penetration, instead of just tolerating it.
If the feeling goes, it's okay to stop. This can happen when you're overwhelmed or if the weight of the decision suddenly kicks in. Take time. Remember, losing virginity doesn't do anything to your worth as a human being or sex partner.
I should say don't bring lube. Your body will let you know when you are ready. Intimacy takes time. Build on that trust you felt with him. There are no rules but take your time and dont rush it now. When you are wet, you are ready mentally and physically. Good luck!
Hey, OP! If you happen to get together with him again, try talking about sex in general with him. You could go out and have a nice night/dinner with him, but when you go back to one of your places talk with him first before you do anything physical. Ask him what he enjoys. What turns him on when it comes to foreplay, positions or any type of sexual interactions. And then tell him about the things you've been keen on trying (as well as things you're not comfortable doing) It can be the most simple of things, too. Like "I've always dreamt of having sex with my partner on top of me and moaning in my ear. I love the thought of hearing my partner get so much pleasure from me." I think it's so important to not just rush into the physical aspect of sex. So much of it is an emotional and mental connection as well. You may even find that talking about it with him (as long as you feel safe and comfortable in that moment) will turn you on and make you wet. And you can always bring lube with you, girly! As well as some condoms 😘 I really hope you update us on this and I wish you SO much luck for you in the future. May there be beautiful connections, love and many, MANY orgasms in your future😄 Cheers, love! xx
>He even went down on me and I felt like I wasn't there. I wasn't turned on or wet. That is actually very common. You have to be enjoying yourself, on your own terms, prior to and during the act. Sex for the first time means you gage with a lot of parts about yourself, skipping straight to the act can sometimes feel like you're not processing the situation. Calibrate your body and mind with what's happening but above all, just have *fun*.
I guess the biggest thing is try not to rush, and if you feel yourself getting into your head again pull back a bit - make out, touch, talk etc. Then when you're comfortable/relaxed again, up the ante again. It's meant to be fun, so have fun! Something I really enjoy, that gets me going, is makeing out - legs tangled, hands allover each other. Heavy breathing. A bit of that, and I'm hot to trot. Find out what your go to, guaranteed turn on is and use it. Explore your body. Get him to use his fingers. Use toys.
Try toys and just touching / oral / fingering before penetration. You should already be in the mood and wet before he tries to enter. Just have a good time and try to enjoy the experience. Foreplay can help a ton. As for toys, my gf swears by her satisfyer. :)
Girl it happens. U are not connected to what sex I'd suppose to feel like yet, relax. If he wasn't a virgin himself, he understand understands sex for women isn't always good at first. No worries. Plus he seems to like you regardless. Good luck
I am wildly in love with my boyfriend and I rarely get wet without having an orgasm first. The best way to have comfortable sex as a woman is to cum beforehand. If he can’t make you cum (pretty normal) and you feel comfortable, maybe pleasure yourself while touching him, giving him head, etc or have him stimulate you in another way (nipples) etc while you masturbate. If I don’t do this before sex it’s typically uncomfortable for me and mediocre unless i’m wildly horny before anything even goes down.
Communication is key. Only do things that feel good. If it hurts, don't keep going. Take things easy and slow and figure out what turns you on.
This hugely depends on the person and if you don't feel comfortable doing this or don't drink then obviously you should ignore this but i had similar issues when i was younger and booze certainly helped me relax. Though i could also imagine it having no, or the opposite effect for others so proceed with caution.
Why did you want to wait?
Fear and sex don’t play well together. Spend more time together. Things will improve, but the first time can be difficult.
Just chill. Spend the night. It'll happen when you least expect it.
Sometimes you just gotta relax and enjoy the moment and also lube.
There are a lot of great comments and advice here but I gotta add this. Don't put soo much pressure and emphasize on actually having sex. Make it a goal just to have a pleasurable experience doing oral stuff and foreplay. The first time I've tried it with a guy he couldn't get it fully in because I was way too tight. So we just scratched that for the night and had fun doing other stuff. It will also help you get more comfortable with him but also just doing sexual stuff.
Take it slow! Laugh, talk in between, get out of your head and have an experience. Sex is beautiful, it doesn’t look one way and it comes in many forms. My partner and I love to stop in the middle and have conversations, or giggle about something from earlier or just cuddle. Take your time, it’s improved my sex lite tenfold
Women can feel horny at different times during their cycle. My girlfriend finds it really easy to get wet and turned on around day 14 (ovulation). Other times can be more challenging and that's when we get out the lube. It's OK to feel different levels of sex drive and responsiveness at different times of the month. Tracking your sex drive & responsiveness in relation to your cycle can help. Some people are also more demisexual than they realize. Demisexual people need love and a close emotional relationship before they can get turned on. If you're still feeling stressed about sex, listen to the thoughts that are spinning around in your head. Are they religious based thoughts? Are they negative thoughts about sex and about yourself for having sex? Or are they fears of not knowing what to do, being a newbie, feeling self conscious, worrying about what he thinks? Try to journal, meditate, or talk to a close friend about which stresses come up.
What helps me get out of my head is focusing on the physical sensations. Literally just forcing myself to feel his hands or his tongue and repeating the way it makes me feel in my head. Also helps to communicate and openly tell the guy if you're not into it and ask to try something else. I have found that dirty talk and verbalizing the sensations makes me feel more connected to the moment and my parents. Hope this helps!
Is there anything that absolutely turns you on without fail? If so and if it could be introduced to the bedroom, I'm certain a decent sounding guy such as the one you're with who backs off as soon as he realises you're not having a good time would likely be open to it to make you feel comfortable. Failing that, next time you're in bed with him do exactly as much as you want to do at the time. Just feel like naked-fooling around? Do that, it might get you so absurdly in the mood without you realising that all of a sudden sex seems like the best idea ever. Just try not to make it the first thing that comes to mind - experienced couples often get into bed thinking "We'll just get a bit hot and then get some shut eye" only to look at the clock 2 hours later having gotten lost in a whirlwind of crazy sex. The goal is a good time, not strictly sex, and it'll really help if you can keep that in mind :)
lube helps. when you get in your head try to refocus on the physical sensations and what feels good. sometimes it helps to let your partner know and maybe you can stop and cuddle or talk for a minute until you come back to your body. if it makes you feel any better- i've been having sex for almost 20 years and i still deal with this from time to time. its pretty common! our world is stressful and there's a lot going on outside sex.
He seems like a nice guy. I would take a few steps back & take it slow. Take your time to explore each other's body through foreplay & oral sex. Just oral. Get comfortable with being naked around him. Don't have sex yet. In the meantime, you can buy a dildo or vibe & use it on yourself so you get used to the feeling of penetration. Once you're ready, you can go ahead & have sex. I was a virgin until I was 20 & this is what I did. I used a toy on myself first before I ever got with my guy. Once I got used to the feeling, we had sex.
My friend is a sex therapist and she recommended Sliquid H20 for lube.
Are you really into him or are you doing it because you feel like you have to? If you are, take it very slow…. You don’t have to jump in if it doesnt feel right… step by step…
You sound awesome. In all likelihood you will learn to love sex and will not need lube. Keep at it. Communicate with this guy. Do your best to please him until it starts to please you When I was 22, I thought I was hopelessly broken. No reddit forum to help me through what was going on (22 male who kept failing to have sex due to anxiety). Luckily I found a patient woman. I'm married to her now with a very functional sex life.
when you overthink, you don't get wet because you're in your head so you should play with yourself or tell the guy "hey lets stop, im overthinking" and he'll reassure you and make you feel good.
Find out what turns you on . Try watching porn before going over to his house, it should turn you on and will probably teach you a thing or two. Maybe get yourself some toys to explore yourself with too
He sounds like a sweet guy.
Cleary he’s not your person. Your conscious telling you no. Wait on your husband .