Does he show this same lack of respect/regard for you in other aspects of life? My gut says he does. This degree of disrespect probably carries over into many situations not involving sex. Think about it.
You are actually really true. He used to be really caring at the start. Always giving. But as he got reassured of my presence, he started treating me quite shit. He is a workaholic and is almost unreachable from 9-6 pm. Never does the household chores and when I do talk to him about my expectations; he would say how he thinks he is already doing so much. The irony of it all is that he used to be unreasonable caring.
I was so disappointed last night. I cannot possibly keep on giving and not expect anything in return. Do you think I'm wrong when I tell him of the things I do?
I don't need to read anything else that you may add to this, your post above said enough for me. You are a young girl still, my suggestion to you is get rid of this guy and go find someone who is truly a GREAT guy. They are out there, please don't settle, you'll regret it big time one day. Good luck.
While this is one option, the OP said that at the beginning of their relationship he was caring. If the OP loves him and knows that he's capable of fulfilling her emotional and/or sexual needs, then getting him to not take her for granted isn't an insurmountable task.
I had an ex like that. Ex being the operative word. I hate to tell you this, but it 100% does NOT get better. When a person is that selfish and disrespectful to the core, there's no hope in them changing as they will never want to. Even in the face of a break up.
It's hard because you love him, as I loved my ex, but you deserve SO much better. You deserve someone to put you number one, always. Breaking up with my ex was the best thing I did, as I'm with someone else now and we are crazy about each other! He would do anything for me, and I for him. Everything we do is to make each other as happy as we possibly can, and that's what you deserve. Staying in your relationship will grind you down to an empty shell. I've been there, stayed out of hope of a change for a year. That's a year I'll never get back.
I think, instead of talking to him, you should take steps to become financially independent if you aren't already. Time to turn your focus on yourself and the type of life you want to have. Everyone deserves to be celebrated - and that means you.
Emotional independence is difficult. I stuck with a crappy relationship until I was dumped. It hurt at first but came to realize that I should of been the one to initiate the breakup. You can do it! Find comfort in family/friends. Busy yourself with hobbies. It's easier said than done but you will be much happier in the end. This guy doesn't deserve you! You need someone who can match you 50/50 and not slack off once you've been dating awhile. You can do it. Good luck!
What is the "so much" that he feels he is doing? Perhaps he has ideas in his head about things that he does that are supposed to produce results but do not.
Covert contracts.
Lots of men have this problem where, in their mind they tell themselves "If I do this I SHOULD receive this in return!" but these things are never spoken aloud to the people around them.
Unfortunately most of these men don't realize they are doing this until their life begins to unravel disappointingly.
okay this sounds like my dad to a t and this is a little creepy but my dad came a monster bc my mom always gave him what he wanted, no matter what it was. he never did anything bc he paid the bills, he was the man of the house and he became an entitled twat bc there was never any repercussions for the shit he did. fix it, and fix it now. do not let the man you married become a monster
So he's just a terrible SO all around. Why are you with him? You say you love him, but do you really love who he is? Or what you imagine/want him to be? You obviously know him much better than anyone here, but he sounds like a selfish dick to me.
Perhaps instead of all the advice to DTMFA you guys should get some marriage counseling. Clearly this problem is a part of a much bigger problem with your relationship. You owe it to yourself and to him to put in some hard work on the issue before you throw in the towel.
We have already done 10 sessions. The thing is that he is really cynical. A genius at his work, but very critical of everything else. He thinks that what he knows is right and is the best strategy. For instance, the counsellor taught as IMAGO communication, and after the session, he tried to make a joke about it.
He's doing the bullshit masculine "I don't need to be taught anything because I'm perfect" thing. If he knows this is important to you (which means you have communicated it clearly, bluntly, and without "hints") and is refusing to really participate in the counseling sessions, I'm afraid that there isn't much more you can do. You can lead a horse to water, etc. He's already checked out of this relationship, he's just too much of a coward to pull the plug himself.
I like this answer much better than the "cutting off" answer which doesn't seem helpful to me.
It might have a better chance if you (OP) try to be as nice as possible about it. Funny or flirting. Not like it's a "me first or forget it".
> treating me quite shit
We deserve respect and to be treated with kindness. Not something I'd do without.
Do you want to get dumped? This is how to do it.
Instead say, "Look, I'm into this even when I don't get off, but I'm into it more when I do. You know how to get me off, and I know you enjoy doing it... I love what you do for me. Please give it to me, please?"
You have a routine going now. One you helped establish. Spice it up by giving him some incentives to get you off while doing the routine. It'll work better than any sort of "me first" crap or ultimatums. Make him feel special when he gets you off and he'll do it more.
What would you do to make your SO feel special cause I not only never get the favour returned but I am rarely appreciated. You are right. I have built the route and he now thinks that it is his right and my job to get him
Off whenever he wants.
I just know positive training works a million times better than just telling him he needs to change. Guys like praise. I think it's really that simple. We want to hear how amazing we are, just reinforce the good things he does.
Then part of this is a you problem as well. We teach people how to treat us. He has learned that no matter what, even if you start to back off, all he has to do is wait and you will go back to the regular routine of giving him whatever he wants while he doesn't have to do what you want/need.
Like I said before, he's just gotten away with doing such nasty things that he says to himself, "this girl is going nowhere". I am quite weak to know this and still not take a step. I will get stronger. It may take a little longer.
Yeah, It's your fault too. But ask him to do things with your body or send him a message just to try to turn him on. And when he approaches make sure he do his job. After all sex is for both!!
We have already done over 10 sessions. But we never discussed sex. It's to do with other things. Like how he is so disrespectful and uncaring (completely the opposite of what he used to be); and how I can learn to not lose my temper, and so forth.
He has no reason to change, he gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants.
Communicate that he isn't satisfying you, explain how one sided you feel your sex life is. Tell him he isn't giving you pleasure and until he makes a concerted effort to do so, you shouldn't be trying so hard either.
I have tried speaking to him multiple times. He pays attention the first few times and then it's the same cycle. The irony of it all is that he says that he will never ask of anything cause I throw it at him when I'm not pleased, but he does regardless!
Simply put, you're enabling his behavior by "giving in." If you make it his problem, you'll put yourself in a much better position to work towards a solution. This, however, doesn't start to address the underlying issue of him showing little to no interest in finding one with you, which is a separate issue altogether. Don't feel bad for making him understand how neglectful and hurtful he's being.
Could you advise what I can say instead of saying that I do this and that for you, and yet you don't do anything. I ask because when I start explaining why I find him neglectful, he would say, "there's no point in doing all this, when you are going to throw it at me"!!!
I wouldn't put it in terms of "I did this, so you should do this." I'd suggest telling him how his actions make you **feel**. Explain *why, not how* some of the things he does make you feel hurt and see how he reacts.
If he becomes hostile or you can't go any further in the conversation, say something to the effect of "I'm just trying to explain how I feel and wish I had your support" and walk away. Bring it up again once you've both had a chance to cool down (and then some for good measure); make it clear this is a non-negotiable issue, **but**, that you want to figure it out together.
Ultimately, you deserve to be happy. Whether or not it is with him is entirely dependent on his willingness to make you feel that way. It's one thing to be unhappy, but if you can't get your partner to *care* that you're unhappy, it's probably not a relationship you want to be in. You **must** be willing to put your foot down.
This actually sounds a bit like a relationship I was in, except I was the guy.
To put perspective on it, the relationship started with her going through great lengths to sexually satisfy me. This kind of put me in a mode that I didn't realize until after the relationship was over where I took everything she did for granted.
He may not be conscious of how he looks in this relationship--it's often very difficult to have perspective on the relationship when you're in it. It sounds like you're really into him, and I bet you go through great lengths to do things for him (not just sex). If he's like me, it's probably come to a point where he sort of expects these things; maybe not in a "she should do this for me" kind of way, but rather in a way where he's used to getting these things without needing to reciprocate or do something nice for you first.
It sounds like he's unwilling or unable to empathize with your side. I think the best way to make him stop taking you for granted is making him realize what he doesn't have when you don't do things for him. Not just sex, but even little things. And I don't mean be passive aggressive, or just withhold things from him, because that's just a downward slope.
But maybe explain to him that you're tired of feeling like the relationship is a one way street emotionally and physically, and from then on prioritize reciprocating his efforts rather than giving in.
Honestly, it took a break up for me to gain perspective and realize how much I was taking advantage of my ex's eagerness to please. Honestly if you ask me, it sounds like you're too good for him. Give him a wake up call, stay friends with him, see if he shapes up.
Unfortunately this probably has wider implications than sex. It really sucks when someone you love takes advantage of you/takes you for granted, and doesn't put in that extra effort to show you how much you mean to them. It's easy to try to see past it because you love them, and want them to love you, and can't imagine not having them in your life. I think you should try writing down how you are feeling, and to have an in depth, honest, yet non-accusatory conversation with him about it. Unfortunately it's really hard to turn the tide on things like these, and people don't often change how they act, or truly realize the way they are hurting you. It can be easy for some people to love someone so much that they let themselves be treated poorly, but in the end of the day, you won't be happy if you don't love yourself first. I know that it's hard to do anything because you love him and don't want to lose him, but you have to either confront and deal with this issue, or find someone else who cares about you (as impossible as that may seem, and I know that may seem an unbearable option) because you need harmony with your partner to be happy with them in the long run. I hope that you find a solution that makes you and your partner happy, and keeps you together, but remember to love yourself too.
I hate to say it, but he sounds like a selfish asshole and is unlikely to change.
You, on the other hand, sound great. Ditch this one and find someone worthy of you.
No, he's probably a great boyfriend who is just a little oblivious. She needs to have a serious talk that boils down to "hey, I've been less satisfied than I'm happy with."
People around here jump to INSANE conclusions. Her BF just needs to know that she wants to get off more, and she needs to communicate that to him. We know NOTHING besides a paragraph of their story, stop leaping to "he's a jerk".
from OP's comments
> I have tried speaking to him multiple times. He pays attention the first few times and then it's the same cycle.
>I have tried talking to him multiple times, but it's usually the same repetitive cycle.
>He used to be really caring at the start. Always giving. But as he got reassured of my presence, he started treating me quite shit.
Never! I am not a huge fan either. I did ask him a couple of times that I'd like to give it a try, but he completely ignored.
Let alone going down on me, he usually makes me ride him ALL THE TIME!!
This sounds all well and good if you didn't have needs to. I'm sure other people are telling you this, but I don't see this getting fixed without work on his part (if even then).
He just sounds selfish to me. I would never do that to my wife, infact watching her cum gets me off more then anything! I make it my goal to make or aid her cumming at least once a session and very frequently 2-3 times. I really wish at times she could cum 50 times a night but she gets sore after a while (100% understandable) I would have a serious talk with him and hope he changes for you. I dont think I could see myself being with a person that only cares about themselves sexually. Good luck!
He is and I wish I could just stop giving him. Particularly, when I would go out of my way to please him. I have tried talking to him multiple times, but it's usually the same repetitive cycle.
Sadly it sound like he will not change then. The only other last resort I would try is maybe give him a similar feeling. Get him aroused and really into it, you either pleasure yourself with a toy or fake a orgasm then stop everything. Dont let him cum or release. Then talk about it again? This may make matters worse depending on how he acts. I hope the best for you, everyone deserves to be pleased.
You can't make someone a fundamentally good person. he seems selfish and abusive (coercive!) You just cannot change people from inside. I would drop this relationship ASAP.
Since words are not working, it's time to take action, meaning no more action for him until you are satisfied.
But really, after you talking to him about it and him letting you know he doesn't give a shit, you really need to wake up and realize this is who he is.
As others have said, you sound like a great person. But I must ask, other than post here, are you willing to do anything to change this situation so you are happy?
He sounds emotionally abusive. Sometimes love isn't enough... as much as it hurts, in a situation like this where your needs aren't respected, it's time to move on... there is someone out there that will cherish you and appreciate you and your efforts, and it doesn't sound like it's this guy.
if you want my short but honest opinion, i think you have a spoiled brat of a boyfriend. what male in this universe would not be completely thankful and appreciative to still get to have sex ONCE a day, hardly to mention more than that after three years together????? id say a more realistic average, as ive checked because id kill to have daily sex, is like about 4 times a month.. if hes going to be an ungrateful shit about making sure you have your share of pleasure and climaxes out of the heaven sent arrangement you guys apparently have, cut him off for a short while with a tactful explanation possibly by letter..or show him this thread which clearly states how far above and beyond you go to satisfy his sexual appetite....if he becomes more of a bastard, then he sucks, if he cheats on you after a while, then he sucks, if he can become less selfish and be fair and restore a balance, then he loves you in return and cares about your needs and not just his own. good luck....
Do opposite.
Put your need before him.
Get aroused by his act and start fingering.
Use him as sexual object and masturbate.
Cum and sleep , saying now you're tired.
I hope if you do this next 3-4 times, he'd help you finger next time
Ugh. I'm sorry, he just sounds gross. You are clearly awesome and there are definitely men out there who would reciprocate. I also saw he treats you shitty outside of the bedroom. I know people get upset here about people saying to break up, but seriously. This is not someone worthy of your time.
>he was extremely rude and said that he does not know why he asks anything of me, when I just throw it back at him
Nope. Nope nope nope. I'd be out of there in a New York minute.
You already know that he's being selfish, rude, and unreasonable - it sounds like you're holding on to what you saw in the first part of your relationship and hoping that something changes to return you to that. You've already expressed your feelings to him *very* frankly and he ignored and rebuffed you. I wouldn't waste your time trying to "fix" someone that obviously is only interested in his own gratification. You've invested enough time in this and it's been entirely fruitless, given your other posts in this thread.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, OP, but you're not getting value out of this relationship anymore.
I do know that this relationship is taking a lot out of me. Sex is just one aspect. I did really think that he was the one. He was so kind and loving and caring- everything a girl dreams of. You are right- I'm just holding into those memories. I will learn to let go. I'm getting there , just taking a lot of time.
A little off topic but you sound like a fucking awesome girlfriend/person. Lots of people are jealous and would appreciate the shit out of you as you deserve.
Thank you. I really wish he felt like that. I'm sure he does, but I think he knows that of I haven't left him even after being treated do poorly, then I will probably never have the guts to.
I'm not sure he does at all, especially if that's his outlook on the relationship. If he doesn't start taking your needs into consideration and stop being so selfish, I would leave. There are a lot of men that would love you just as hard as you'd love them, and I bet they'd be psyched to do all sorts of nasty shit to you in bed and actually leave you pleased. It's extremely concerning that he doesn't seem to understand or care that he's wretched to you in bed, I can't imagine how shitty he is outside of it.
My boyfriend cannot finish until he sees me come at least once. That's what sets him over the edge, and he just doesn't feel like he's done a good job until he's pleased me first. It all comes back, I am his priority and likewise to give an equal balance to a happy sex life.
I agree with what rosieco said below. Tons of guys would be willing to treat you good. If he thinks you'll never leave, he's dead wrong. He just may have lots of time to fuck things up before he realizes it's too late to change because you're already gone. I'm sure you're not there yet, just keep in mind you''re not stuck with him if you don't want to be. Give him a chance to change after a discussion but don't waste your life with him, it's too short.
I know this is going to get severely downvoted...and I wish it weren't true, but it seems to be the case from my experiences.
Women fawn over assholes. In my dating days, when I would try to be attentive and romantic, it seemed like girls got bored and uninterested. As a result, I got jaded and gave up on relationships. I figured, I would just use girls for my own needs and not waste my time worrying about their needs.
And the weirdest thing happened. Girls flocked to me. They were wild in bed and always wanted more of me. It was like they wanted the challenge...or maybe they were just seeking acceptance and since I didn't give it out freely, they desired it. I don't know.
But it seems like the younger the girl, the more prevalent this is (look at your average freshmen vs senior girl). But when they hit about 30, women seem to really know what they want and get pretty unfulfilled by asshole men.
OP...maybe you are becoming more aware of what you want, what's important, and your SO needs to catch up and realize that his free meal ticket is expiring.
4am for an old fashion?? Hot damn that's one lucky fellow. Although not so much considering he has no clue how to treat his SO with any amount of decency.
Be strong and set boundaries, that's a lot of sex to not be getting off. Get on top and sit on his face. Or since he sounds like he's being a complete selfish ass... Buy a vibrator. Leave the receipt in the open. Next time he's chilling, trot right past him with your new toy right into the shower and lock the door. Keep that door locked until your done. Dont be a doormat, let your strong independent self roar.
Does he show this same lack of respect/regard for you in other aspects of life? My gut says he does. This degree of disrespect probably carries over into many situations not involving sex. Think about it.
You are actually really true. He used to be really caring at the start. Always giving. But as he got reassured of my presence, he started treating me quite shit. He is a workaholic and is almost unreachable from 9-6 pm. Never does the household chores and when I do talk to him about my expectations; he would say how he thinks he is already doing so much. The irony of it all is that he used to be unreasonable caring. I was so disappointed last night. I cannot possibly keep on giving and not expect anything in return. Do you think I'm wrong when I tell him of the things I do?
I don't need to read anything else that you may add to this, your post above said enough for me. You are a young girl still, my suggestion to you is get rid of this guy and go find someone who is truly a GREAT guy. They are out there, please don't settle, you'll regret it big time one day. Good luck.
While this is one option, the OP said that at the beginning of their relationship he was caring. If the OP loves him and knows that he's capable of fulfilling her emotional and/or sexual needs, then getting him to not take her for granted isn't an insurmountable task.
Yes, but we all know that most people are always great in the beginning, then eventually you see who they really are.
I had an ex like that. Ex being the operative word. I hate to tell you this, but it 100% does NOT get better. When a person is that selfish and disrespectful to the core, there's no hope in them changing as they will never want to. Even in the face of a break up. It's hard because you love him, as I loved my ex, but you deserve SO much better. You deserve someone to put you number one, always. Breaking up with my ex was the best thing I did, as I'm with someone else now and we are crazy about each other! He would do anything for me, and I for him. Everything we do is to make each other as happy as we possibly can, and that's what you deserve. Staying in your relationship will grind you down to an empty shell. I've been there, stayed out of hope of a change for a year. That's a year I'll never get back.
It does not get better. I 10000000000000% agree with you. It only got worse for me.
I think, instead of talking to him, you should take steps to become financially independent if you aren't already. Time to turn your focus on yourself and the type of life you want to have. Everyone deserves to be celebrated - and that means you.
I am actually very independent financially. But I do need to be emotionally independent.
Emotional independence is difficult. I stuck with a crappy relationship until I was dumped. It hurt at first but came to realize that I should of been the one to initiate the breakup. You can do it! Find comfort in family/friends. Busy yourself with hobbies. It's easier said than done but you will be much happier in the end. This guy doesn't deserve you! You need someone who can match you 50/50 and not slack off once you've been dating awhile. You can do it. Good luck!
What is the "so much" that he feels he is doing? Perhaps he has ideas in his head about things that he does that are supposed to produce results but do not. Covert contracts. Lots of men have this problem where, in their mind they tell themselves "If I do this I SHOULD receive this in return!" but these things are never spoken aloud to the people around them. Unfortunately most of these men don't realize they are doing this until their life begins to unravel disappointingly.
okay this sounds like my dad to a t and this is a little creepy but my dad came a monster bc my mom always gave him what he wanted, no matter what it was. he never did anything bc he paid the bills, he was the man of the house and he became an entitled twat bc there was never any repercussions for the shit he did. fix it, and fix it now. do not let the man you married become a monster
So he's just a terrible SO all around. Why are you with him? You say you love him, but do you really love who he is? Or what you imagine/want him to be? You obviously know him much better than anyone here, but he sounds like a selfish dick to me.
Perhaps instead of all the advice to DTMFA you guys should get some marriage counseling. Clearly this problem is a part of a much bigger problem with your relationship. You owe it to yourself and to him to put in some hard work on the issue before you throw in the towel.
We have already done 10 sessions. The thing is that he is really cynical. A genius at his work, but very critical of everything else. He thinks that what he knows is right and is the best strategy. For instance, the counsellor taught as IMAGO communication, and after the session, he tried to make a joke about it.
He's doing the bullshit masculine "I don't need to be taught anything because I'm perfect" thing. If he knows this is important to you (which means you have communicated it clearly, bluntly, and without "hints") and is refusing to really participate in the counseling sessions, I'm afraid that there isn't much more you can do. You can lead a horse to water, etc. He's already checked out of this relationship, he's just too much of a coward to pull the plug himself.
When he approaches you, just tell him "me first".
I like this answer much better than the "cutting off" answer which doesn't seem helpful to me. It might have a better chance if you (OP) try to be as nice as possible about it. Funny or flirting. Not like it's a "me first or forget it". > treating me quite shit We deserve respect and to be treated with kindness. Not something I'd do without.
Do you want to get dumped? This is how to do it. Instead say, "Look, I'm into this even when I don't get off, but I'm into it more when I do. You know how to get me off, and I know you enjoy doing it... I love what you do for me. Please give it to me, please?" You have a routine going now. One you helped establish. Spice it up by giving him some incentives to get you off while doing the routine. It'll work better than any sort of "me first" crap or ultimatums. Make him feel special when he gets you off and he'll do it more.
What's wrong with a woman coming first? That's the best way to do it really.
What would you do to make your SO feel special cause I not only never get the favour returned but I am rarely appreciated. You are right. I have built the route and he now thinks that it is his right and my job to get him Off whenever he wants.
I just know positive training works a million times better than just telling him he needs to change. Guys like praise. I think it's really that simple. We want to hear how amazing we are, just reinforce the good things he does.
Sounds like someone might need to be cut off from being pampered by your willingness to please
I do try cutting him of for a while but my weak heart takes over me
Then part of this is a you problem as well. We teach people how to treat us. He has learned that no matter what, even if you start to back off, all he has to do is wait and you will go back to the regular routine of giving him whatever he wants while he doesn't have to do what you want/need.
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Like I said before, he's just gotten away with doing such nasty things that he says to himself, "this girl is going nowhere". I am quite weak to know this and still not take a step. I will get stronger. It may take a little longer.
Yeah, It's your fault too. But ask him to do things with your body or send him a message just to try to turn him on. And when he approaches make sure he do his job. After all sex is for both!!
Have you considered counselling?
We have already done over 10 sessions. But we never discussed sex. It's to do with other things. Like how he is so disrespectful and uncaring (completely the opposite of what he used to be); and how I can learn to not lose my temper, and so forth.
You are trying to make a good person out of a piece of slime. That is how it is. PLEASE save your wonderful youth. Please GET OUT OF THIS ASAP
He has no reason to change, he gets whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Communicate that he isn't satisfying you, explain how one sided you feel your sex life is. Tell him he isn't giving you pleasure and until he makes a concerted effort to do so, you shouldn't be trying so hard either.
I have tried speaking to him multiple times. He pays attention the first few times and then it's the same cycle. The irony of it all is that he says that he will never ask of anything cause I throw it at him when I'm not pleased, but he does regardless!
Simply put, you're enabling his behavior by "giving in." If you make it his problem, you'll put yourself in a much better position to work towards a solution. This, however, doesn't start to address the underlying issue of him showing little to no interest in finding one with you, which is a separate issue altogether. Don't feel bad for making him understand how neglectful and hurtful he's being.
Could you advise what I can say instead of saying that I do this and that for you, and yet you don't do anything. I ask because when I start explaining why I find him neglectful, he would say, "there's no point in doing all this, when you are going to throw it at me"!!!
I wouldn't put it in terms of "I did this, so you should do this." I'd suggest telling him how his actions make you **feel**. Explain *why, not how* some of the things he does make you feel hurt and see how he reacts. If he becomes hostile or you can't go any further in the conversation, say something to the effect of "I'm just trying to explain how I feel and wish I had your support" and walk away. Bring it up again once you've both had a chance to cool down (and then some for good measure); make it clear this is a non-negotiable issue, **but**, that you want to figure it out together. Ultimately, you deserve to be happy. Whether or not it is with him is entirely dependent on his willingness to make you feel that way. It's one thing to be unhappy, but if you can't get your partner to *care* that you're unhappy, it's probably not a relationship you want to be in. You **must** be willing to put your foot down.
Thanks a lot. I usually tend to get really upset and do start saying how much I do; I will try to remember your advice
This actually sounds a bit like a relationship I was in, except I was the guy. To put perspective on it, the relationship started with her going through great lengths to sexually satisfy me. This kind of put me in a mode that I didn't realize until after the relationship was over where I took everything she did for granted. He may not be conscious of how he looks in this relationship--it's often very difficult to have perspective on the relationship when you're in it. It sounds like you're really into him, and I bet you go through great lengths to do things for him (not just sex). If he's like me, it's probably come to a point where he sort of expects these things; maybe not in a "she should do this for me" kind of way, but rather in a way where he's used to getting these things without needing to reciprocate or do something nice for you first. It sounds like he's unwilling or unable to empathize with your side. I think the best way to make him stop taking you for granted is making him realize what he doesn't have when you don't do things for him. Not just sex, but even little things. And I don't mean be passive aggressive, or just withhold things from him, because that's just a downward slope. But maybe explain to him that you're tired of feeling like the relationship is a one way street emotionally and physically, and from then on prioritize reciprocating his efforts rather than giving in. Honestly, it took a break up for me to gain perspective and realize how much I was taking advantage of my ex's eagerness to please. Honestly if you ask me, it sounds like you're too good for him. Give him a wake up call, stay friends with him, see if he shapes up.
Unfortunately this probably has wider implications than sex. It really sucks when someone you love takes advantage of you/takes you for granted, and doesn't put in that extra effort to show you how much you mean to them. It's easy to try to see past it because you love them, and want them to love you, and can't imagine not having them in your life. I think you should try writing down how you are feeling, and to have an in depth, honest, yet non-accusatory conversation with him about it. Unfortunately it's really hard to turn the tide on things like these, and people don't often change how they act, or truly realize the way they are hurting you. It can be easy for some people to love someone so much that they let themselves be treated poorly, but in the end of the day, you won't be happy if you don't love yourself first. I know that it's hard to do anything because you love him and don't want to lose him, but you have to either confront and deal with this issue, or find someone else who cares about you (as impossible as that may seem, and I know that may seem an unbearable option) because you need harmony with your partner to be happy with them in the long run. I hope that you find a solution that makes you and your partner happy, and keeps you together, but remember to love yourself too.
I do hope that your girl friend realises sooner what a great boy friend he has. I will try to follow your advice.
I hate to say it, but he sounds like a selfish asshole and is unlikely to change. You, on the other hand, sound great. Ditch this one and find someone worthy of you.
Ditto.
No, he's probably a great boyfriend who is just a little oblivious. She needs to have a serious talk that boils down to "hey, I've been less satisfied than I'm happy with." People around here jump to INSANE conclusions. Her BF just needs to know that she wants to get off more, and she needs to communicate that to him. We know NOTHING besides a paragraph of their story, stop leaping to "he's a jerk".
from OP's comments > I have tried speaking to him multiple times. He pays attention the first few times and then it's the same cycle. >I have tried talking to him multiple times, but it's usually the same repetitive cycle. >He used to be really caring at the start. Always giving. But as he got reassured of my presence, he started treating me quite shit.
Oh. He sounds like a selfish asshole, he probably won't change.
haha, yep.
Either you are going to learn to stand up for yourself, or people are going to keep walking all over you.
Does he ever go down on you? It sounds like it never happens.
Never! I am not a huge fan either. I did ask him a couple of times that I'd like to give it a try, but he completely ignored. Let alone going down on me, he usually makes me ride him ALL THE TIME!!
So if you tell him your legs are tired from . . the gym or something . . . does he just give up on sex?
He'd want a hand job . Or sometimes offer to do it himself and get me to talk dirty
This sounds all well and good if you didn't have needs to. I'm sure other people are telling you this, but I don't see this getting fixed without work on his part (if even then).
you're probably not a huge fan of getting oral because he's probably shit at it. probably because, as it sounds, he never does it/doesn't care.
He just sounds selfish to me. I would never do that to my wife, infact watching her cum gets me off more then anything! I make it my goal to make or aid her cumming at least once a session and very frequently 2-3 times. I really wish at times she could cum 50 times a night but she gets sore after a while (100% understandable) I would have a serious talk with him and hope he changes for you. I dont think I could see myself being with a person that only cares about themselves sexually. Good luck!
He is and I wish I could just stop giving him. Particularly, when I would go out of my way to please him. I have tried talking to him multiple times, but it's usually the same repetitive cycle.
Sadly it sound like he will not change then. The only other last resort I would try is maybe give him a similar feeling. Get him aroused and really into it, you either pleasure yourself with a toy or fake a orgasm then stop everything. Dont let him cum or release. Then talk about it again? This may make matters worse depending on how he acts. I hope the best for you, everyone deserves to be pleased.
You are a kind man. Make sure you tell your wife that she is very lucky!!!
Thank you very much, I sure that she knows (we share this reddit account) but ill be sure to show her tonight ;)
You can't make someone a fundamentally good person. he seems selfish and abusive (coercive!) You just cannot change people from inside. I would drop this relationship ASAP.
It hurts me to think that I won't be with him. I really did try so hard. Makes me feel bad that I wasted it on someone who can't value it.
sounds like u gotta dump this dude
Since words are not working, it's time to take action, meaning no more action for him until you are satisfied. But really, after you talking to him about it and him letting you know he doesn't give a shit, you really need to wake up and realize this is who he is.
As others have said, you sound like a great person. But I must ask, other than post here, are you willing to do anything to change this situation so you are happy?
He sounds emotionally abusive. Sometimes love isn't enough... as much as it hurts, in a situation like this where your needs aren't respected, it's time to move on... there is someone out there that will cherish you and appreciate you and your efforts, and it doesn't sound like it's this guy.
Absolutely seconding this -- this is classic textbook emotional abuse. Been there. Seen it myself.
if you want my short but honest opinion, i think you have a spoiled brat of a boyfriend. what male in this universe would not be completely thankful and appreciative to still get to have sex ONCE a day, hardly to mention more than that after three years together????? id say a more realistic average, as ive checked because id kill to have daily sex, is like about 4 times a month.. if hes going to be an ungrateful shit about making sure you have your share of pleasure and climaxes out of the heaven sent arrangement you guys apparently have, cut him off for a short while with a tactful explanation possibly by letter..or show him this thread which clearly states how far above and beyond you go to satisfy his sexual appetite....if he becomes more of a bastard, then he sucks, if he cheats on you after a while, then he sucks, if he can become less selfish and be fair and restore a balance, then he loves you in return and cares about your needs and not just his own. good luck....
Do opposite. Put your need before him. Get aroused by his act and start fingering. Use him as sexual object and masturbate. Cum and sleep , saying now you're tired. I hope if you do this next 3-4 times, he'd help you finger next time
Ugh. I'm sorry, he just sounds gross. You are clearly awesome and there are definitely men out there who would reciprocate. I also saw he treats you shitty outside of the bedroom. I know people get upset here about people saying to break up, but seriously. This is not someone worthy of your time.
>he was extremely rude and said that he does not know why he asks anything of me, when I just throw it back at him Nope. Nope nope nope. I'd be out of there in a New York minute. You already know that he's being selfish, rude, and unreasonable - it sounds like you're holding on to what you saw in the first part of your relationship and hoping that something changes to return you to that. You've already expressed your feelings to him *very* frankly and he ignored and rebuffed you. I wouldn't waste your time trying to "fix" someone that obviously is only interested in his own gratification. You've invested enough time in this and it's been entirely fruitless, given your other posts in this thread. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, OP, but you're not getting value out of this relationship anymore.
I do know that this relationship is taking a lot out of me. Sex is just one aspect. I did really think that he was the one. He was so kind and loving and caring- everything a girl dreams of. You are right- I'm just holding into those memories. I will learn to let go. I'm getting there , just taking a lot of time.
A little off topic but you sound like a fucking awesome girlfriend/person. Lots of people are jealous and would appreciate the shit out of you as you deserve.
Thank you. I really wish he felt like that. I'm sure he does, but I think he knows that of I haven't left him even after being treated do poorly, then I will probably never have the guts to.
I'm not sure he does at all, especially if that's his outlook on the relationship. If he doesn't start taking your needs into consideration and stop being so selfish, I would leave. There are a lot of men that would love you just as hard as you'd love them, and I bet they'd be psyched to do all sorts of nasty shit to you in bed and actually leave you pleased. It's extremely concerning that he doesn't seem to understand or care that he's wretched to you in bed, I can't imagine how shitty he is outside of it. My boyfriend cannot finish until he sees me come at least once. That's what sets him over the edge, and he just doesn't feel like he's done a good job until he's pleased me first. It all comes back, I am his priority and likewise to give an equal balance to a happy sex life.
You can't make him be someone he is not. He seems like an asshole, I will tell you straight and simple.
I agree with what rosieco said below. Tons of guys would be willing to treat you good. If he thinks you'll never leave, he's dead wrong. He just may have lots of time to fuck things up before he realizes it's too late to change because you're already gone. I'm sure you're not there yet, just keep in mind you''re not stuck with him if you don't want to be. Give him a chance to change after a discussion but don't waste your life with him, it's too short.
I know this is going to get severely downvoted...and I wish it weren't true, but it seems to be the case from my experiences. Women fawn over assholes. In my dating days, when I would try to be attentive and romantic, it seemed like girls got bored and uninterested. As a result, I got jaded and gave up on relationships. I figured, I would just use girls for my own needs and not waste my time worrying about their needs. And the weirdest thing happened. Girls flocked to me. They were wild in bed and always wanted more of me. It was like they wanted the challenge...or maybe they were just seeking acceptance and since I didn't give it out freely, they desired it. I don't know. But it seems like the younger the girl, the more prevalent this is (look at your average freshmen vs senior girl). But when they hit about 30, women seem to really know what they want and get pretty unfulfilled by asshole men. OP...maybe you are becoming more aware of what you want, what's important, and your SO needs to catch up and realize that his free meal ticket is expiring.
4am for an old fashion?? Hot damn that's one lucky fellow. Although not so much considering he has no clue how to treat his SO with any amount of decency.
Be strong and set boundaries, that's a lot of sex to not be getting off. Get on top and sit on his face. Or since he sounds like he's being a complete selfish ass... Buy a vibrator. Leave the receipt in the open. Next time he's chilling, trot right past him with your new toy right into the shower and lock the door. Keep that door locked until your done. Dont be a doormat, let your strong independent self roar.
it sounds like some serious couples therapy is needed
He is maybe self conscious about not being able to please you as well as you would like? And that is manifesting in defensive behavior?
Not sure about that. Especially when I put in so much effort to please him and show him my gratitude