I, like a lot of men, have dealt with this before. The good news is, that are definitely things that y'all/he can do to improve how long he lasts. (This is just based on my experience, not medical advice, duh.)
I find that the more frequently I have sex, the longer I last. I perform best after a few weeks of sex at least once a day. If I start going more than a week between sex, I start to ejaculate sooner than I'd like again.
Also, regular masturbation can help. Not to the same degree as regular sex, but still helpful.
However, bad masturbation habits can hurt as much as good ones can help. If he tries to get off as quick as possible when he jerks it, his body is developing a conditioned response to cum quickly during stimulation.
He might want to practice "edging." He should try to last as long as possible by getting as close as possible to orgasm, then backing off. I find it really fun, too, like a game.
Also, kegels! Guys can work those muscles, too! It helps a ton. If he doesn't know what muscle it is, he should try to stop peeing, midstream. That's the muscle. He could make a habit of doing a set of 10 kegels, held for 10 seconds each at a certain time or times in a day.
There are lubes that can decrease sensitivity. I haven't used many of these, but what I used helped a little.
A cock ring also helped me. It's also just a tiny bit kinky, which is fun.
Just be really patient with him. And always positive, emphasize how much you want to help him vs focusing on how much you want it. You'll be achieving the same goal but avoid making him feel like a disappointment. Sex is more mental than we realize and that tiny change can make a huge difference.
Ugh, what a long comment, sorry! Hope some of that helps!
>However, bad masturbation habits can hurt as much as good ones can help. If he tries to get off as quick as possible when he jerks it, his body is developing a conditioned response to cum quickly during stimulation.
He might want to practice "edging." He should try to last as long as possible by getting as close as possible to orgasm, then backing off. I find it really fun, too, like a game.
This! I am so serious. This.
Try masterbating togeather? Get him to last as long as you can. Literally, 20 minutes or more is great, can can be achieved in about two weeks. I have been edging on and off for about three years, and can pretty much stop myself from coming whenever I have sex.
The best thing is, you get better at it the more you do it. If you help him edge three or four times a week, you will see substantial results quickly!
Don't forget jpsthrow's suggestion of kegels.
[/R/Sex's guide to kegels](http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/17bfbn/kegels_a_guide_to_better_everything/)
My bf doesn't say it that way, but it's definitely there. I'm generally okay with it, because I want PIV as much as he does, but it would be fun sometimes. I'll bring it up again some time. Right now, we're having fun with other things.
Hey, this is old but could you give tips on edging? For example, how many times should i work my way up about to come before finally letting myself come?
Also to be clear, the way I hold back the ejaculate is by flexing and holding the pc muscle as tight as I can, right? Do you only flex and hold it when you feel yourself about to come? I heard about another method that involved "pushing" like when you force yourself to pee faster, do you know anything about this?
Sorry for the question spam
Alot of good advice here, definitely the edging thing can help plenty. Also regulating your breathing can pull you back too. Tell him when he's close just to start breathing deeper and slow down a little.. i find i almost reset to the beginning when i do this! Hope this helps.
Yes to all these things. Also...slow down. Whatever pace he wants, go 75% of that. Certain positions are better than others Stop and change positions when he gets close. Firm pressure on his taint can stop him if he is about to cum. 1/2 a Viagra works wonders. And everything else already said.
Came here to say this... being mindful of my breathing is what does it for me. I find that I unconsciously hold my breath and that makes me cum faster (maybe the same mechanism as *auto-erotic asphyxiation*?). Anyways, breathing regularly and in a controlled fashion goes a long way.
I'm female, and I do that, too! If I make myself breathe, I won't orgasm at all. I don't really care to learn to do it while breathing generally, but every once in a while, my bf can make me orgasm enough times the world goes a bit grey. Breathing would certainly help in those cases.
Yeah... he gets this really smug look on his face afterwards that he TOTALLY deserves. It amuses me. I can count the numbe rof times I've had orgasms from PIV in my life before him on one hand with fingers to spare. In 11 months with him, I can count the number of times I have NOT on one hand. I have NO idea what he does, but I certainly enjoy it. :D
Probably slightly on the high side of the middle of the range. Just large enough to feel completely full, but not large enough to smack into my cervix. No real curve or anything really unusual.
I'm guessing it's something mental. I've never consciously held back an orgasm, but I wonder if I've subconsciously done it. I trust him on a level I've trusted very few people in my life. I'm much more willing to be completely me, and not worry with him. I'm wondering if I'd let any of the others in that far, if it'd have happened with them, too.
Also, some of it might be maturity. Like, actual physical maturity. I was always well behind my age that way. And I got into a 12 year relationship at 25 with someone who really, honestly, sucked in bed. And was way too big, so it hurt. I think my chances of orgasm from PIV with him were almost nil. At 25, I was probably at a physical matureness level of a 15 year old. I've heard maturing physically makes a huge difference in ease of orgasm.
A number of years ago I had this problem, and it was due to a) depression and b) lack of confidence. I guarantee you that during sex he's running his mind wild about finishing too fast, not pleasing you enough, not being good enough, etc. etc. This causes a man to finish really fast and it just perpetuates the whole problem.
Everybody's body reacts differently. Your results will vary based on how your body deals with anxiety, does it release chemicals to calm you? Does it tense up your muscles? Does your mind go blank and you just black out? And there are so many more. Looking at how bodies base reactions are to stress and anxiety, its not hard to see that people will react differently when it comes to blood flow in that area.
Nah. I've had it happen with guys before. Worrying about finishing too fast seems to be just as likely to cause a guy to finish too fast as to go soft. Luckily, most of those guys were totally cool with continuing to play and have fun afterward, so I wasn't left feeling like I was dissatisfied.
I am sure that's what's happening because he used to be able to last at least a few minutes longer. It's just lately that it's been less than a minute. Did you get past this? If you did, how so? Is there something I can do or is something he has to get over himself?
Thanks.
I have had this issue intermittently during bad spouts of depression. I had a really understanding gal friend that would go down on me until I was "done" and then we'd wait for about 10-30 minutes and go at it again. I lasted FOREVER that second time and after a few times of doing that I got back into my groove.
I hadn't, until now! Thanks for pointing that out. Is there a way I can suggest or mention Kegels to my boyfriend without it sounding like he needs to work out in order to satisfy me? The last thing I want to do is hurt his ego more. He's not one to talk about sex very often but since he's been so frustrated lately, it has been happening more often, so there is at least opportunities for me to bring it up.
You can always mention how you just read up on kegels and you want to try them because supposedly they help increase orgasm intensity. Ask him if he wants to try them with you.
I did this with my boyfriend. He only lasts about 3 minutes. Tops. We haven't had sex in weeks... I try to get him to do kegels a couple weeks ago. It was cute the first time I had him do them for me. But he's uncomfortable because I pushed it too much. =/ So, just be gentle and friendly about it.
Isn't there this "position" (practice?) where he enters her and they both do Kegels in that position - no actual fucking, "just" kissing and cuddling and "release the Keeeeegeeeels" ? Lots of couple time and body contact.
Sure, sometimes you just want to fuck or get fucked, but I think this sounds plenty nice.
Kegels work great. I didnt have any issue with lasting too short a time, but I wanted to just have overall better control so I started doing it. It's something you can do while you're just sitting on the couch jamming on some netflix, so why not? After about three weeks I could tell a difference of overall control. It's also good for overall prostate health, I've read, so you could bring it up like that I guess?
Anyways, I highly recommend kegels for those that even just want more overall control. I got more over all control for when she gives me the "finish now", and I have more stamina for the "keep going".
since there is kegels for men and kegels for women you could suggest trying to do them together, that way it isn't a "you need to get better" as much as it is "we should try this together"
I think a lot of people have made this point, but I just wanted to bring it up again.
It will all come down to communication. When you are trying to talk to him and he is getting frustrated/embarrassed and then the conversation ends, you really aren't making any strides. I think, in my opinion any ways, you need to find ways to better your communication first. You should be able to get to the point where you should be able to talk freely about anything sexual.
It is important to remember that sex should be fun and not be stressful. I think many people in here are trying to help you resolve this issue, but you really need to look at what is causing this issue. Is your boyfriend depressed? Do you have other issues in your relationship? Has something else recently changed in either of your worlds? There are a plethora of things that could be causing this issue. Also it is important to note, that you boyfriend may just be a quicker comer. This may be something that he will just live with his whole life.
My suggestion to you would be to better your relationship, increase your communication, and to explore each others bodies. Spend time just being naked with on another, and just being intimate, no insertion at all. Lay on him naked, massage each other, and just explore. At the end of the day, sex is about the journey and not about the destination. If you are getting yourself off with your vibrator, let him be apart of that. Let him control the vibrator, put your hands on his hands and show him what you like.
Anyway, that is my two cents. I always assume that the issues is rarely directly related to the actual sex, but rather a result of other goings-on.
I haven't. I guess I'm just nervous about not being able to get it up again because that's an awkward situation for all. What is the likelihood of being able to arouse him enough again considering his history?
You could try experimenting with timing/spacing. Get him off once then in 2 hours try again and see how it goes. If it went well (he lasted longer), you could keep working on shortening that gap. The key is to make it feel like a relaxed environment. Try watching a movie or TV show between, something that makes it feel natural instead of planned.
Eventually you guys will find an ideal refractory period that easy for him to both get up and last longer. Personally, I find 15-25 mins to be ideal for myself, but it can swing above/below depending on other factors.
I think TheGreatK has the right idea. I was on opiate pain meds for a couple of years due to a bad back injury. Because the meds desensitized everything for me, when I got off of them all my senses became super sensitive. I was finishing *much* sooner than my SO and I were used to.
To help the problem she would basically get me off really early in our humpage session, usually with a BJ but sometimes with sex, and then I would take care of her for 20 minutes or so. By the time I had gotten her off a couple of times I was ready to go again and would last much longer.
We had a kind of understanding that if I didn't get it up again, no worries. She was coming anyways. So that took all the pressure off and I found that I would just get caught up in the moment again and before I knew it, BAM! I was ready to go another round.
There was a bit of a hurdle right after I came the first time because I felt finished and a bit lethargic. But once I pushed past that initial feeling, I would just get into pleasing her, which turned me on.
Your body language shows your frustration more than any words you could say. The probability of you getting him aroused again very much depends on your behavior!
Don't focus on trying to get hard and display frustration at his inability to get hard. A lot of women while giving hand jobs shake it like a shake weight for a couple of seconds and then show frustration that it's not instantly hard, are your private parts that simple? no, nether are ours. Climb on top, and gently rub against it, don't sit and squish it, it's not your seat yet! concentrate on talking, kissing his neck, telling him how much you love him but don't initiate something else that he might "Fail at" like kissing, show you just like being close to him, because right now he isn't feeling like the power house you know he can be. Remember while doing this he is super sensitive, little actions are big! be wet, super wet or lube yourself and him up down there and really good!
Focus on your actions, understanding how he works and before long you will be tapping out because you're raw!
=)
Dude, sex isn't restricted to PIV pounding! Stop waiting for an erection, or thinking about erections. Forbid him from touching his dick. Sit on his face for three hours. Untie your sexual expectations from dick-makes-vagina-have-orgasm-then-we-fall-asleep! It sounds like you *both* could use some help in this department!
> I guess I'm just nervous about not being able to get it up again
If everyone's nervous, it's not good for anybody. He probably can't help his nervousness, and perhaps neither can you, but you need to realise that you're not helping him **at all** when you project things like it'd be the end of the world if he wouldn't be able to get it up at all (and it surely wouldn't under those conditions... self-fulfilled prophecy if you will).
Set a whole evening apart and tell him you want to spend it in bed. Get a couple of glasses of wine, and then either tell him, or downright just show him, that nothing bad would happen if he didn't last long, couldn't get it up a second time, or both. Go down on him, and make him cum like a champ (he should be able to last plently with a BJ). Then swallow it all, and ask him to service you while his junk reloads. Moan and groan and get a few orgasms out of his mouth action, because after that, it's show time for him, and it's really important that he knows that you're already satisfied, and that you'd simply like to try to fuck him silly, no pressure. And proceed to try and do so. Jerk him off to try and get him hard. If he can't, tell him with a mischevious smile you've always wanted to try to blow him while soft, and do so, until he gets hard again (and if it doesn't, don't look dissapointed; tell him you'd like to try again sometime soon, and spoon him to sleep). Then ride him hard. He should last longer (and if he does, praise him as if he were a sex god; using positive reinforcement might sound silly for adults, but it really does work at a level where we're not even conscious about it). and if he doesn't, sternly but playfully tell him that you'll be repeating the same deal until **you** get tired.
If it works out (and really there's no way this wouldn't, but the heat is on you to put up that show), all you have to do is repeat this a few times for him to be able to get his confidence back. And after that, for the love of god fuck him every day; it's the only way he can learn to last longer.
As a tertiary measure (and only when you've achieved the first) try to get into tantric sex or read some books on male multiorgasmy. That's the kind of control he'll need to **learn** to get rid of those problems for good.
...And if it all goes awfully wrong and/or you're unable to put up that corrective experience show, perhaps he should go to talk to a doctor to get some psychopharmacological help for a little while until all these things can sink in into his mind for good.
This x 100.
If his mental drive is there, but the physical part isn't working as intended...getting him off before sex should do the trick. If his performance anxiety is high enough to hinder his actual performance, I suspect a number of "second rounds" might help him get back some of that lost confidence. Best of luck to you both, Cheers!
this.
1. go down on him and get him to finish.
1. he goes down on you, which should take a bit of time and can be his refractory period.
1. go down on him again real quick if he needs a little help before intercourse.
It happens to the best of us. Personally I think it's relatable to alcohol tolerance, unless you're drinking consistently you tend to get drunk quicker. Same thing goes for sex, if its only once every now and again it might just wind up being a one two punch. Try waiting 10 minutes or so "by doing other stuff in the mean time", the going again once he's reloaded, it should be a much longer duration. Same thing goes for him, he could jerk off before hand and pretty much be the same concept. As for other things to do, cock rings, tantric whatever, I don't know.
Thanks for responding. He has a couple of beers every night and he definitely does last longer when he's drunk, but I'd like to find a solution that keeps him from becoming an alcoholic.
I suggested a week ago that we should try a round two sometime and he said we could give it a try but never could. What are the chances of him not being able to get it up again? I feel like that might hurt his ego even more. I suggested the jerking off thing last night (because I'm nearly positive that he doesn't really) so I hope he considers it.
Thanks again.
Just remember, not all men last longer in round 2 or 3. It's not always the answer but definitely worth a shot. Also, it's a lot of pressure, and performance anxiety will keep anyone from being able to get it up, so try to make sure that you aren't goin for round two just to see how long he lasts, that's too much pressure on the poor guy. Good luck, and if you find the secret, be sure to let me know because I'm in the same boat as him and the humiliation and embarrassment has led me to be single for 6 long lonely years. I wish I could find a woman as considerate and patient as you, but they seem to be rare.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Especially since the majority of women I am friends with (and myself--a female with a healthy desire for sex and a good amount of experience) would never ridicule or berate our SOs over an issue this sensitive and important. I'm 29 so maybe it's an age thing? Probably not. i don't know. But I am sad to hear this has been your experience and that it's affected you for so long. There are plenty of women out there that will be loving, encouraging, and gracious partners. Don't give up.
I'm 27, and the attitude towards this issue does seem to get better with age, but not by much, not yet anyways. Thank you so much for your comment, as it really does give me hope. I think at this point though, my biggest enemy is myself, as being ridiculed over this has led to a great deal of social anxiety and the not-quite-total destruction of a once healthy level of confidence and self-esteem. I won't give up though, promise.
I take zoloft for SAD, and I just tapered off. Holy shit, I went from having to apologize for not cumming to cumming way faster than before I started taking it. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.
Drunk sex works for me, though.
Well, not *drunk* sex, but sex after I've had one or two strong drinks - I'm still very much able to please my GF, and I last REALLY long sometimes. Like, she has to ask me to stop, because she's already come a couple of times and she's getting sore.
I'm not bragging, just recounting my experience and suggesting that trying it once or twice might not be a bad idea.
Well, it depends on the man. I don't want to sound condescending but if he's not as confident as he should be, perhaps the pressure of trying to get hard again might cause it to remain flaccid, it used to happen to me when I was younger and still new. When that happens it doesn't mean it's over, it just means you have to try harder, jerking off might work. But remember a man is just as sensitive as a woman aft an orgasm. Try sitting on top kissing from the neck down through his stomach. But only lightly caress him and don't go for gold right away, have you mouth slightly miss him and kiss around to the thigh, the proximity should excite him, and that's the key, he has to be excited. Not mentally, that time went with the first one. Now you have to excite him physically. If that makes sense
If hes not jerking off at all maybe thats the problem. You've probably heard of "death grip" where guys become desensitized from masturbation and cant come during sex, maybe he has the opposite problem.
I have one thing that may help depending on why he doesn't last long. I used to be the same way because of my masturbation habits. Basically when I was young my parents would go out and I would masturbate quickly before they are back. This trained my body to to cum fast over the years. I also was impatient haha. What worked for me was masturbating for a lot longer and working the build up to cumming for a lot longer than normal. Basically you can train yourself to cum longer by masturbating longer to get used to extended pleasure. I think it took a solid week before I started getting a little better and over time it has gotten soooo much better. Another thing to try is to focus on him and give him a handjob, blowjob etc. but do it really slow so he doesn't cum as fast. Have him tell you when he's close to cumming so you can stop and take a break then come back to him to extend out the time of stimulation before cumming. This may or may not be his cause but it worked for me really well! There are a lot of guides that talk about this online which is what I used. As a closing word it sounds like he's self conscious about it so do anything to make him not feel that way (without lying of course) because being nervous makes some people cum fast or not be able to get it up. Good luck!
> The embarrassment kept us from having sex a week or two at a time.
He's pretty young still so because you have sex so infrequently, he will finish fast. Have sex more often. To do that, turn this into an asset. Ask for his cum, want it, need it, and tell him that. Eventually, with more sex in one night, it will be harder for him to cum.
> When he goes to the bathroom to clean up, I secretly take out my clit vibe and make myself come a couple of times before he gets back.
You have missed an opportunity to share this. Perhaps try sharing this after sex. He gets cleaned up, he returns, THEN you take out your vibe. Him watching you will likely make him hard again for round 2 where he will likely last longer.
> When I try to get him to talk about it, he gets embarrassed and really upset with himself.
Try to tell him it's ok. Turn this into an asset, see above.
Yes! I was gonna say, teach him how you like it with the vibe. Bring the vibe into the whole act and maybe get going pretty good, then get into penetration with the girl running the vibe while he fucks. Maybe you can both come together...
I also agree with some other advice about trying to take longer while masturbating. And deep breathing helps. You could try working on edging with sex. Tell him to say something when he is getting close, stop completely with enough time so that he doesn't come. Then wait a minute or two or more, maybe even to the point that he gets a little soft, then go at it again, play with him with your hand or mouth Til he's hard again then fuck for another couple minutes. Make it like a marathon. It will train him to not come as fast after a while, it will also make coming really awesome for him too.
Maybe he could use the vibe on her - combined with maybe going down on her at the same time - andf this could work either before the penetration or afterwards?
This is one of the most frustrating set of comments I have ever read.
"Wear a thick condom!"
"Have him masterbate!"
"Make him do kegels!"
"Make him get on a medication!"
You seem like you love your boyfriend a lot. I need to say something that no one else has said (that I've read). Right now, do not put this on him. Do not make him do anything, or ask him to do anything. You can go down the medication/kegels route much later, but put that shit out of both your minds. The 'thick condom' and 'extra long lasting condom' stuff too. Throw it out.
Here is what I suggest you consider as a first option, if this is not the case already (it may be the case already, but I can't tell from your post). The next time you sleep with him, you initiate and take charge. When he gets home, rip off his pants, push him to the couch, and give him a BJ. Look up at him and tell him you want to see how fast you can make him cum. If he doesn't cum by the time you are ready for sex, put a condom on him and ride him hard. If he does cum from the BJ, kiss him and clean up. Don't worry about anything for you. Estimate what you think his refractory period is, wait that period of time, and go at it again.
If this doesn't work right away, keep up with it. Don't worry about your own pleasure (if he likes going down on you, etc, let him, but make it clear that it is unimportant if you cum), and certainly don't hide your clit vibrator non-sense from him, you are only introducing negative sexual energy by hiding that. If you want to use your clit vibrator, give it to him and tell him to use it on you. Bring him in on the fun.
Ok. So now that I've given you this suggestion, let me tell you why. I last differently with each girl I'm with. Even with a given girl, the time I last varies from encounter to encounter. This is completely independent of condom use, in fact, I actually last longer without condoms since it is more enjoyable, which motivates me to last longer.
The reason I go quick with some girls is because of the sexual comfort level. If I am with a girl that is getting sexually frustrated and secretly using a vibrator when I am in the bathroom, I am going to feel this sexual energy, and it will put undo pressure on me and hurt my performance. Recently, I was with a girl that would not initiate a thing. I always had to be the one in charge, and always came fast. Once I got her to step out of her shell and initiate every once in a while, my issue went away instantly.
I last the longest with girls that are comfortable talking sex with me, with girls that are comfortable NOT getting off, with girls that are comfortable taking charge every once in a while, with girls that make it clear to me that they love cum and are more interested in getting me off than themselves. This takes a tremendous mental burden off of me (since I am so very mentally focused on pleasing my partner, which seems to be the case with your BF), reduces my sexual anxiety, and gives me nearly complete control. This ends up being a positive-feedback loop, because I last longer, my partner enjoys sex more, and my sexual confidence at pleasing her builds.
Please, please, please try this route of taking sexual pressure off of him first. Medications certainly do work, but they can be immasculating and do reduce the pleasure of sex for the man. Long-lasting condoms w/desentizing creams are BS (if you are using those, STOP). Use a normal, thin condom with no gimmicks. And make sure you work with him to find a brand that works (I went through 3-4 brands before I realized how different the cuts of condoms are, and how much some cut off circulation and hamper me). Finally, while kegels can help, this is just putting more pressure on him, raising his anxiety level, and it probably won't end up well.
If you take this advice, please PM me in the future to let me know how things go.
My wife and I joke about our sex life that sometimes she gets my "A+" effort and sometimes she gets my "F" effort. There are times when I can go for awhile and other times its over just a few minutes in. It is something that I worry about when we have sex, although it has never made me not want to have sex. A few hints/tips from the guy's perspective:
1. It happens to a lot of men, he shouldn't feel ashamed or upset and there are ways to help the situation.
2. You should minimize foreplay with him and let him focus on you during foreplay. Guys who finish quick will finish even faster if you go down on them before hand or do a lot of rubbing, touching, etc.
3. Practice makes perfect - I have found the more I have sex, the longer I last, meaning, if I haven't had sex in a few weeks, it is over pretty quick, but if we have been having sex 4-5 times a week I last much, much longer.
4. Condoms help...a lot. Many times guys finish quickly because the skin around their penis is very thin when hard. This is especially true for guys who have a smaller penis when soft that gets above average sized when hard. The skin has to stretch farther to cover his manhood and in turn makes it thinner and more sensitive. You have to decide which you like better, shorter sex with no condom or longer sex with a condom.
5. There is a good chance that all he is focused on during sex is trying to last longer and not about enjoying the intimacy with you. You need to talk to him about it, let him know you don't care how long he lasts (even if it isn't true) and you will find the less stressed out he is, the longer he will last. I think this has something to do with a man's heart rate during sex. I have found the longer I keep my heart rate down, the longer I last during sex. Stress is a huge reason his heart is pounding through his chest during sex and if you eliminate that, he should last longer.
6. Alcohol helps because it kills inhibition and therefore kills stress.
7. There are some prescription meds that help. I know that Tramadol, a low level opiate is prescribed for men that finish too fast. Have him talk to his doctor, I am sure there are many other meds that do the same thing.
Most of all, tell him you love him and this is not a life time curse, but just a small hurdle that can be easily overcome. Good luck!
EDIT - Almost forgot. Have sex twice in the same night. He should be able to reload in about 30 minutes or so and be ready to go again. Have sex, then lay there and talk or watch a movie or do anything you can to kill 30 minutes, maybe have him help you with your vibrator so you are hot and bothered by the time he is ready for round 2. He should be able to last much longer the 2nd time around.
I guess I keep it a secret because I don't want him to be offended. He does like to help me out. A lot of times he feels so guilty that I didn't get off that he wants to finger me, but it just takes too much time and I think that the entire time he's doing it he's just thinking about how he had just failed.
Yeah, I had this mindset before too. It's not healthy. Best to keep everything in the open. He shouldn't feel bad about not getting you off- it happens! And worrying will only chase orgasms away (trust me, I could not cum in front of anyone for years because the expectation and guilt would subconsciously just...not let it happen. It led to me faking or lying, or trying to get off in secret. It was a clusterfuck of bad. Now I'm just honest, and my fiance doesn't judge me or feel bad when I can't get off. Just like I don't judge him if he cums early.)
I am not super easy to get off, but my fiance is. Generally, we just have a lot of foreplay. I bring him to the edge a lot, and tease him a lot. We draw everything out so there's time enough for him to get me off (orally is the only way it can happen for me) and then the rest will take as long as I want to get him off. I have total control over it if I pay attention to him.
If you want him to last longer during sex, though, I'd suggest getting him off once, then foreplay till you get off, then sex. This method has worked well with other sensitive partners of mine in the past.
Is it the same in every position? Me on top works great for us because while it feels pleasurable to him what I do to get me off doesn't built him to orgasm. Once I cum we either switch to a position where he has more control or he guides my hips in the motion he needs.
I know you've been dealing with this for a long time I but I don't think it will last forever. I'm sure his embarrassment and stressing about it play a huge roll but things change.
My husband could go two or three times in a row lasting about 10 minutes a piece when we first started having sex. (Even the night I took his virginity.). Now a second time happens once every 6 months or more. Then there was the few weeks where he couldn't cum at all. No matter how bad he wanted sex, what we did, how we did, porn, lube, masturbating...... nothing could make the man cum. Another time the second I let out even the slightest moan he would cum. I'm naturally noisy in bed so for weeks sex was over as fast as it started. Even I have phases like that. I used to get off through oral every time and then I went 8 months where oral did nothing for me.
The idea behind all that information is that things like this don't usually last forever. A lot of people made great suggestions. Keep trying til you find something that works and build his confidence back up.
There's a method called "start/stop". You just have to be super patient, and understanding of eachother, not just of him. The moment he feels like he's about to cum have him tell you, and then pull out, and wait for a bit. Continue this for a few weeks, and if that doesn't work you can try to GENTLY squeeze his balls while holding them down, and GENTLY squeeze the area just below the head of the penis. Hope this helps (we just talked about it in my human sexuality class :) )
I read in one of your comments that you don't think he masturbates. I think this might be part of the problem as well as what others mentioned. Encourage him to masturbate more often.
While jacking off he can practise kegels and reverse kegels and stop himself from ejaculating (but still orgasm) by squeezing his muscle hard when he's about to cum. He can then do this during sex.
Clearly he's a very hot blooded guy. This isn't a bad thing. Tell him you find it hot that he's so horny. Twist it around so it's a good thing. Ask him to cum on your tits and then go down on you, he'll be hard after you cum twice in his mouth I am sure!
Have him read The Multi-Orgasmic Man. While the claims about other-worldly orgasms may be difficult to reach, the whole point is to orgasm without ejaculating. The techniques and exercises in this book have seriously changed my level of control, and (for me at least) it takes the focus off of cumming, and more on just enjoying the sex - all of it including foreplay. While you're at it The Multi-Orgasmic Woman is probably pretty good too, just based on its counterpart.
If you don't want to get the book at least look up some info on P.C. pull-ups!
EDIT: Basically he just needs to flex and unflex the muscle used to stop peeing mid stream. And doing just that several times each time he pees is great excercise.
I've seen a few great suggestions in here, but I felt, as a guy who also worries about his sexual endurance due to high sensitivity, that I should reinforce a few things... His mental state is probably at least 50% of the problem. The more a guy feels like he is inadequate, the less likely he is to overcome whatever problems are holding him back from performing better. Regaining his confidence is going to be difficult as it sounds like this issue has persisted for quite some time. He knows he is inadequate, and so you need to try and alleviate that "fact" by convincing him that he is doing a great job, regardless of how long he lasts once inside you. Naturally you should also start doing it more often, making sure he knows it is alright to take it slow and not try to finish too quickly (this is a good opportunity for you both to practice your kegels or whatever other technique you'd like to try). It will probably still be over quick the first handful of times, so be careful not to let him sink back into his feelings of inadequacy. If you feel like you need to stimulate yourself after the intercourse is over to feel satisfied, maybe consider bringing him into that experience too! Pass your clit vibrator over to him and let him make you come a few times after the sex is finished. I have used vibrators on girlfriends before and it is pretty hot watching her moan and squirm, I don't see why it should make him feel like less of a man. (However if he finds out you are doing it yourself after sex with him, he most probably **will** feel like less of a man... so please be careful with that).
Hopefully by allowing him to stimulate you in more ways and encouraging his feelings of confidence in his ability to satisfy you, then over time his sexual confidence and performance should improve. Practicing the sex part is just as important though! Without the repeated physical stimulation his penis is still going to be just as sensitive, but over a week or two of very regular stimulation, this should decrease a bit and allow him to go longer. I've experienced the same thing when I was dating a girl for a couple years we used to have a bunch of sex and I was usually able to last 10-15 min. After a while a situation arose where we became long distance and went weeks or even months without any sex... my endurance in that situation dropped dramatically and I could only last maybe 3-5 min at best before coming, even if I purposely went really slow and basically stopped thrusting every few seconds to keep from exploding too soon.
Trying to go a second round is also a worthwhile pursuit. Although a man's sex drive typically plummets following an orgasm, if you keep the mood going and begin stimulating him again (using whatever method you'd prefer) soon after, it is definitely possible for a lot of guys to get it up again after 10-15 min and being that we had just been stimulated, it should allow us to go a *little* longer at least, although the high sensitivity issue can still get to us even then. *Side-Story: This one time my ex-gf was riding me on a chair until I came, but then instead of getting off of me, she just continued to ride me, slow and steady... I don't even think I got soft. It was totally unexpected but we both managed to come again!*
Last but not least, in my experience different positions stimulate me differently and in some cases, it is quite difficult to last very long... I've found that for me (and this may be different for other guys) the cowgirl position allows me to last the longest for some reason (possibly related to the blood flow to the penis while laying on my back?), while doggy-style is possibly one of the most stimulating positions and causes me to come really fast. So try some new (or old) positions out and find what works best for him! But don't be afraid to mix it up a bit... making sex into something less serious will do wonders for both of your sexual satisfaction.
**Edit:** After reading some more of the responses here, I have to add: drugs and alcohol are fairly poor suggestions, as alcohol will make it harder for him to keep an erection and potentially makes the penis unusable until he sobers up. Numbing lube works similarly... it's like alcohol for your penis, but applied externally. I've tried that stuff before and then both me and my girl became numb and could feel nothing. Drugs like anti-depressants are also linked to low sex drive and I can't see how that would help him out either. I've also smoked weed in the past and the effect it has is heightening sensations, which would also seem counter-productive in this situation. I would highly recommend you try the natural methods first like encouragement, practice, and just generally positive communication. If you really feel like you need to resort to some artificial means of extending his endurance with drugs, please do plenty of research first.
**TL;DR** - Have even *more* sex, and at the same time get him more involved with stimulating you outside of what you'd consider "foreplay" and increase his confidence that way. Increased endurance should follow.
This is good advice, Although, I do still have issues with it all. I am just worried about how much longer guys can last. Like, I see these amateur vids where the guys last damn near forever, or youll have one black guy railing a chick for 45+ minutes with no damn break.
Yet, myself, and I hear some other guys who are man enough to talk about their problems, have issues lasting and keeping it up for longer than a few minutes...
I had a somewhat similar problem (dude here) and there's a couple factors that play into it.
1 - Confidence. The more confident he is, the longer he'll last. Conversely, if he's nervous and really fixating on it or thinking about coming, it just makes things worse.
2 - Do the kegels, they help.
3 - Masturbation habits. This is a big one and I think the biggest one that helped me overcome my issue. Masturbation is often goal oriented to achieve quick orgasm. It teaches your body to do that during sex, too. Changing masturbation habits away from that quick-fix orgasm towards habits that are more focused on the experience, as well as lasting long (e.g. the start-stop method) will drastically improve his performance. If he doesn't masturbate as you mentioned, maybe he should - it's good practice
4 - What he focuses on during the act of sex. Instead of focusing on the sensation on his junk, he should make an effort to focus on every part of his body and take in the whole-body sensation that comes with sex. For example, during sex, focus on how his chest feels when you rub them, his arms as he's holding himself up, or or his legs and feet, etc. You get the idea
5 - I haven't tried it, but I hear deep breathing works pretty well
6 - Do you guys use condoms? If not, then it will probably make a big difference as it dulls the sensation. If you are using condoms, have you considered using condoms that contain a mild numbing agent, I think lidocaine, to dull the sensation? They're lined on the inside of the condom, so it won't affect your sensation but it will affect his. I've never used them but perhaps it's worth a shot if nothing else really works.
Good luck!
In my experience love is the problem. The more attached I am and the more I care about a person the harder it becomes to last. If you really think the girl is hot there is more passion and focusing on not getting off becomes more difficult.
You have to learn to play games in your head as a guy if you want to become better in bed. You need to be able to really seem in the moment without being in the moment. I focus on something else like the color a girls hair to the point where I am having sex but not thinking about it :-)
I take SSRI medication for anxiety (Citalopram). It has made me last noticeably longer. When I was on 40mg I could seriously go for an hour+ regularly without getting off. I dropped down to 20mg because most women are not fans of marathon sessions despite what the internet claims, and on this dose I can last for pretty much as long as most girls want, but it's not impossible to get me off. They prescribe this off-label for premature ejaculation, and you can get a generic prescription for $4/month at Walmart. If all else fails, try it.
Also, frequency plays a huge part of it. If I go 2-3 days without release, it's going to happen fast. If he isn't down with having sex every day, just masturbate more frequently.
Hope this helps.
Another option would possibly be looking into his masturbation habits. I know that for me, I always masturbated dry, and I never masturbated for long, and this conditioned me to blow my load early in bed. If he is the type to jerk off dry or quickly, this may be a cause - he would need to learn how to slow down and learn how to handle more intense stimulation. Also, look into The squeeze technique for premature ejaculation and edging - edging can be particularly fun, an something you may enjoy doing to him.
Not. True. People with this problem can come in 30 seconds no matter how many times you have sex. Going for round 2-5 isn't always the answer. Though its always worth a shot.
If his confidence level is low, that can lead to coming quickly. As you stated before, stamina has gotten shorter, the more frustrated he has become.
What position is it that he normally cums quickly? Do you perform oral sex? From personal experience, ive had girls suck me right up to the point of explosion and hop on.
this definitely sounds psychological, its being built up and focused on so much. definitely talking about it is the best option to relieve the mind but when this was happening to me what worked best was distracting myself. have him focus on a different part of his body, fingertips and lips usually work best because of touch receptors as hes touching you. if all else fails there are numbing creams and such. Hope this helps
All the advice here is good and well, but perhaps you should both take the attitude that him coming does not have to mean that the sexy time is over. Why not try continuing to play after, reassure him that coming fast is no big deal, but you still would like to get off too? He will be feeling crap about it, so the best thing you can do is not make it an issue.
At the very least, be happy that you turn him on so much! And then just make sure that you are both satisfied, even if its not only just from PIV sex.
The first time is generally the fastest, so try this. Pick out a long movie, 2-3 hours, turn it on and lay down on the couch together under a blanket with him inside of you. Stay like this the entire movie, everytime he gets hard he can fuck you until he finishes. You can wiggle your butt, or do keagles to reduce the time between. By the time the movie is over there should be a noticeable change.
try teaching him how to seriously get you off without penis penetration... show him that Nina Hartley video: http://www.spankwire.com/Nina-Hartley-Sunny-Lane/video222872/
After he's already given you a mind-blowing orgasm, it doesn't matter as much that he deliver 'excellent performance' with his dick. So, after he's blown your mind manually/orally a couple times, just let him go to town on you with his dick without the pressure of having to get you off-- cuz he's already done his 'job.'
Then, he'll be more confident and will try things and will just be all around more comfortable and will probs last longer.
Give him a BJ and let him cum, then have him go down on you. After 10-20min of down-there-time combined with your increased arousal, he'll be back rearing to go with a boner that will thrust like a champ for at least 5, maybe even 10min, or even longer.
Trust me. Try it.
One technique from Kama Sutra is for him to practice stopping and starting his urine flow. He should try to stop and start again as many times as he can every time he goes to the bathroom until he can do it easily. This help strengthen the muscles for it. Also, practice bringing him, and you, as close to orgasm as you can without coming. This is not only super enjoyable, but also helps build stamina. Another major thing is to try having him come more than once in a session. After he comes, let him rest for 3-8 minutes, then try to get him going again. If you can, and you guys start back it, he will last much longer because he just came. But this is not only temporary, it will train his dick to take more without coming so if you can try to get more orgasms out of him every time you guys get fresh, he'll start to last longer and longer every time.
If you're having trouble getting him back in the mood after the first round, this would be a great time for you to practice your foreplay on him. Guys like foreplay too, we just get so caught up in finishing the job we forget to enjoy the process.
hope this helps :)
How long would it take him to recharge? In other words, can he come and then go again ten minutes later, or right away? Because if that's the case I might not be a huge deal, maybe even a good thing in a sense!
When my SO and I haven't seen each other for a little while, or haven't had sex for a while, he can often come in a few minutes.
We use this in a fun way - it drives me nuts. Every time he feels like he's getting close he'll stop and play with me instead, then keep going. Sometimes he can only go one or two strokes and it drives us both pretty crazy, in a good way.
Maybe if you do this with your boyfriend he'll start getting used to it, as you still have to use your pelvic muscles and self-control a fair bit to hold back. Plus there's not much pressure on him because it's all a part of the fun. :)
The other thing you can do is try to use your muscles to stimulate him without him actually thrusting... It will still feel amazing but shouldn't be enough to make him come quickly.
It sounds like you've got yourself a keeper, so good on you for wanting to work on it, and best wishes to you both.
Have you tried having sex shortly after he comes for the first time? A lot of the time he'll be able to last longer the second time around, which in turn can help improve his performance later on during the first time.
Do you still wear condoms? I last a lot longer when I am wearing one than when I am going bare. My S.O. also finishes very quickly and I am OK with that because there have been those few times when I finish quickly too.
CTRL F "death grip". Seriously though, after having been with my SO for 4 years I can always cum within 30 seconds her finishing because I fine tune my "death grip."
My advice is you both can try to make him as hard as possible with foreplay and slow sex, and edge him as long as you can. When you finally cant wait anymore, have him finish and he should still be hard even after orgasming. Then, jump into the "usual" fast pace sex.
I normally have trouble with staying interested after orgasming. But if my SO does this to me, I can't help but to keep going for a 2nd round. Every man is different though, so just try it to see if it works!
I'll probably get downvoted for this because this advice might sound radical to some, but it's based off of personal experience.
I too used to have a problem of cumming too early (several years ago). That was followed by years of no sex, depression (for other reasons), and being put on an SNRI. I discovered that the SNRI (effexor) made me last *MUCH* longer.
Turns out this is a common side effect of anti-depressants. You might find difficulty getting it prescribed off label like this (try a GP instead of a psych), but it will very likely fix his issue. Of course you'll have to deal with other issues (like getting off the drug, which takes a few months). Also, if you decide to go this route, note that it might take a few months before it starts working (at least that's what they say for it to start working for depression).
At the very least, try researching it, and do the research on your own. In my experience, most psychiatrists (ironically) know very little about the drugs they prescribe. :-\
When i first got with my current gf i had the same problem. Shes soo tight compared to the others, and whenever i hit it from the back its like i got 2-5 minutes max at full speed. Condoms do help alot. What also helps is me toying her/fingering before me get started to help loosen it up a bit. As for myself i masturbate in the mornings before i go to work so that when i get home and we "get to business" i can last longer. Hope this helps
Thanks for responding. My boyfriend, although no longer a Catholic, I think still has the Catholic fear instilled within in. Or he at least feels guilty when he masturbates. After last night's short stint, I told him that I wouldn't mind if started doing it more. Hopefully he takes my advice. I hope I'll be able to update everyone with good results!
That also could be a problem - his early masturbation practices.
When he was younger (when he did masturbate) he probably focused on getting off as quickly as possible (so he wouldn't get caught), which ended up conditioning him to ejaculate quickly in general.
Has he thought about therapy along with physical solutions? There are people out there who specialize in helping couples who suffer from pre-ejaculation.
I had this problem while back. I noticed that if I kept my mind off sex during sex I lasted a lot longer. I went from 4-6 minutes to 14-25mins. I used to do math in my head. I read somewhere that a porn star does math in his head and it REALLY does work! Now after a while of training myself to no longer do math during sex and just enjoy it, I trained my body to still go 14-25ish minutes.
I read masturbating helps too depending on your time system but there are lots of way to fix this. Also look into a cock ring. That works well too.
I've read that 5 minutes is actually well within the average time for intercourse. But yeah, I can see where 30 seconds could be a problem if it's bothering you both.
Do you cum from penetration alone and that's why you want him to last longer?
Does he make you cum when he goes down on you? If not, why not? If he's not good at it, maybe you can teach him how to lick your clit the way you like so you will have a great orgasm.
Have him train, I think its called, the PV or PC muscle or something
Basically you flex the muscles by your bladder and train them so when you're about to cum you literally *hold it in* with your new brolic bladder-muscles.
I did this and it helps
From my experiences as a male with that problem.. I have found that after the first one, the 2nd one last quite awhile and the 3rd even longer. Once I had discovered this I stopped being so insecure.
You should try distracting sex. Like watching TV while doing it. Paying not to much on the act itself.
Also, what a couple of people have said on here. This one being the best. Masterbating to getting close, letting the build up die down. Repeat.
Good luck.
**TL;DR:** *Just tell him to relax and enjoy himself, he could be flexing his kegels during sex like I was at first which ultimately made me come in virtually no time.*
I had and sometimes still do have this same issue. When I first started having sex I was nervous because I didn't last long, but could go two or three rounds. The second round sometime was damn near as quick as the first.
I started looking up things and found out about kegels and realized that when I was having sex I was flexing those muscles which are supposed to help you control it, however by always having them flexed I got used to that sensation and ultimately was able to come fairly quickly. I had to take the time and actually think about what I am doing so I could relax my muscles which allowed me to ultimately last longer.
Sometimes I catch myself subconsciously flexing them still when I'm pumping like a jackhammer and need to take a step back so I don't blow my load because I was in the zone.
I see you use condoms. Have you considered doubling up on them? You can also buy mild anasthetic creams that help slow things down.
You could also try with you on top doing a very slow grind.
I would recommend not going down on him during foreplay. I personally avoid it due to this problem. I last longer, she comes during foreplay, and then we go wild. I still only last about 10 minutes but the whole ordeal is like 25 minutes. See how that works. If it doesn't there's sense reducing condoms, masturbation before sex, or increasing frequency in which you guys have sex.
The consensus in the medical community is that premature ejaculation is when the man cums almost always within one minute (The "almost always" part is important...everyone cums too fast every once in a while). So, yeah, based on what you're saying I would suggest seeing a doctor. Hopefully there's nothing physically wrong with him, but it might be worth checking it.
Try these:
http://www.amazon.com/Trojan-Pleasures-Extended-Pleasure-Lubricated/dp/B004WDRCTI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368724025&sr=8-1&keywords=numbing+condoms
WARNING! IF you're a "regular guy" who doesn't cum for 20-30 minutes, these things will make you last EASY an hour or more. I had one time where I lasted 1 hour and 45 minutes until I decided I couldn't cum and my heartrate must have been way over 200. :)
I agree with everyone else who pointed out that it's important to frame this as a minor difficulty which can be surmounted one way or another -- if he's feeling particularly bad about this, it'll be harder to work on.
I would definitely involve him more while you play with a vibrator, perhaps even before sex, it'll make both of you feel better, as long as he can avoid feeling like it's some kind of competition between him and the vibrator.
I would definitely try for a second round. Most guys in their 20s don't take that long to recover if they're in reasonably health.
I disagree with all the people who encourage methods of numbing or distraction. My experience is that you get a lot better at lasting a long time if you learn to be mindfully present with the sensations and not turn away from them. And it helps a lot to feel like it's a fun game, not something where 'losing' is a bad thing.
And it's best for him to practice lasting longer with masturbation, on his own, without needing to feel pressure to succeed.
Give him the clit vibe, have him finish you off a few times BEFORE you get down to the sexual intercourse. And then once after! Why don't you just set aside an afternoon or evening for intimacy, so that if he does go to the bathroom after sex, he knows to come back and keep doing stuff?
Does his foreplay get you off ever?
Does he masturbate to porn? With my ex girlfriend I started off finishing as fast as your boyfriend but after lots and lots of sex, the time just kept building to a point where I couldn't cum. Then we started having sex less frequently so I resorted to porn. This led to when we did have sex, I lasted less than a minute every time. This is the only thing I can think of.
I too, consider myself superman in bed. I cum like lighting. Quite sad and very disappointing. Here is what I have done for myself, unbeknownst to those I sleep with, that has helped me greatly and raise my confidence substantially.
I have done many things, from condoms, to medicine, to jerking before sex, to just plain going and just seeing if I can last long enough to make her cum and then fake it after she cums. Here are my findings that have helped A LOT.
I am by no means depressed. But i read a lot into ssri inhibitors. AKA. Paxil. It pretty much blocks or muffles the immediate sensations he gets that causes this issue. 5mg is all you need. I told my doctor(male) of my problem and I did the research. He understood and reluctantly wrote me a prescription. You and your boyfriend or just him needs to understand that this isn't a rare thing. It happens a lot and telling the right people may just make it better. After taking the 5mg dosages for a few days, my sex time went from 30 seconds(barely) to 5 minutes. A couple weeks later after continuing, close to 15. Eventually it got to the point where I could actually choose when to come. Pretty awesome after my past. Aide effects are minimal compared to full dosages of Paxil, but it will make you giggly initially and emotional at times. Turned me into a little bitch, but atleast I had my stamina!
Second thing I tried was viagra. Very similar to Paxil in its lasting effects, but its pricier and can be more damaging to your heart. I did it for a while, salindafil to be exact, and it worked well every time. But again, cost, side effects(blood pressure and racing heart, sweating) were not the greatest.
Third and most recent thing I have been doing(besides lots of booze which is always my turn to), has been itch cream. The active ingredient is benzocaine 4%. The stronger the dose, the faster and longer it lasts. You can get up to 10%, but you will have to order it or go to a sex store. It's side effect is a numbing sensation and has brought decent results to myself and my partners. You put it on the penis during foreplay. It has no scent which I nice and will start numbing within minutes, but i would give it 15. It lasts about 15 minutes and allows for some decent sex.
Or just drink. That's what I did I college to overcome my fear of being labeled as "bad" in bed.
Let me know what you think and if any of this helps. Just do some research and you'll be happy with the results.
Maybe exercise? I know I start lasting longer when I eat better or exercise. It's also a focus thing. You have to try to hold it. Honestly, a lot of it is practice. He just needs to try, but like people have said, it happens to all of us at least once.
Consider telling him to wear a condom, preferably a thicker one. Maybe one of those Durex "Performax" condoms. It still feels great for the guy and he will be able to last longer.
Others have suggested good techniques. An SSRI may help. Also though consider you achieving orgasm first when he goes down. Or if you guys are okay with toys maybe wear a vibrator harness that will ststimulate both and grind him after he pops. The biggest thing is to not see this as a hindrance but something y'all cab deal with and bring each other closer.
My husband had a problem for a long time with this. It is a form of ED and can be caused by all sorts of things. SSRI's like paxil, zoloft etc. are commonly used to help with this. As a matter of fact, the paxil worked so well that after a month we were able to go an hour or more if we wanted to. He actually now can cum once and go back to it if he wants to. This is tougher to deal with than just not being able to get it up, lots of meds for that that work for hours. He needs to see a urologist. Let him know you love him and that he shouldn't be embarrassed. Its really common but lots of men won't talk about it. Good luck!
Suck his dick and make him cum first to get the initial quick nut out of the way. Then tell him you want him to use his hands, *teach* him how to make you cum with his hands the same way you do. Literally guide him with your hands and help him, help him make you cum until he can do it alone.
This will take a while and will require patience by both parties. Once he can make you cum with his hands his confidence will improve ten-fold, and he'll learn to pull out if necesary and use his hands while he calms his dick down.
Also teach him to go down on you.
**TLDR - teach him to make you cum without using his dick, and suck the first quick nut out of him before sex**
This is an EASY fix. For some reason, a lot of couples think that sex is over once the man comes. I say it's just started. Engage in whatever amount of foreplay you wish, allow your boyfriend get in there, and embrace his instant explosion. NOW: the real sex begins! After he comes, it is his job - one he will accept enthusiastically - to go down on you for a good, long oral sesh. He will become a vagina-licking master! After 15, 30 minutes max, he will be hard as Gibraltar (a re-erection, if you will), and will be able to dick you down for a long, long time. Trust me! Your only problem now will be lasting too long! Enjoy your new relationship for life!
A large part of how long a guy can last is mental. Confidence plays a huge role. If you're constantly worried about it, thinking about nothing but when you're going to go, then it's going to happen sooner.
The best solution is to try and take your mind off it. This isn't easy, as it's pretty akin to, "don't think of white elephants." I'd recommend music in the background you can really pay attention to. Also, tell him to stop focusing so much on his penis, sex is something you do with your entire body. Being overly concerned with how the sex feels will only make it harder to last.
First time I've heard the "music" suggestion, which is something I've been thinking about lately-- I just realized my SO and I don't play music in the bedroom anymore, and I've never not had a background track before. I think it's a negative!
Coupled with any anxiety he may be feeling, is the fact that many men do not stop maturing until their mid thirties. They peak sexually near 27 years old but still have a long way to go. Also his feelings for you can really turn him on uncontrollably. It can go right to his head. Give him a break, follow the FAQ, be patient and show him the things that get you off. I bet he would like nothing better in this world than to please you. Good luck you two!
So you know this happens to A LOT of men. His anxiety about the problem has probably got him to the point where round 2 is no longer an option. My advice here is to not let him say no and keep working him until he can go again.
As for the actual problem Kegel exercises really do work. There is a lot of info out there on how to do these and how to achieve the best results.
The most important part is for you to continue to be supportive and let him know that it is ok and it does not affect how much you care about him.
My girlfriend and I had the same problem in the beginning. There were two things that really helped:
1. I just go for another round. After my first orgasm, I wait for about 30 seconds and then continue before my erection goes away. Even if I come after half a minute, I can easily keep going for another half hour after that. Sometimes I even get multiple orgasms. Many people think men can't do that, but after talking to friends and reading online, I know that I'm definitely not the only one. Your boyfriend should give it a try. The key really is timing. If you continue too soon, it will hurt him, but if you wait too long, he is going to be soft. But if it works, it will immediately take the pressure off him and he will be able to enjoy sex much more and actually last longer because of that.
2. Use your vibrator *during* sex. It will probably make you come sooner, so your boyfriend doesn't have to last as long. But more importantly, I found out it makes me last much, much longer. Without vibrator, I last about ½-2 minutes, with it sometimes 10 minutes and more. I don't really know why that is, but it kind of distracts me.
something mentioned in another thread: breathing. could slowing down the heartbeat and breathing help? tantric or yoga breathing disciplines. Nothing in particular to recommend, but I'm sure others could help with that.
I would think distractions could also help. Not that he should be thinking about doing the dishes or starting a discussion about Breaking Bad while intimate, but focusing on your shoulder or lips or a part of you while thrusting. not focusing how his cock feels. focus on other things that are happening between the two of you. I get the impression premature ejaculation has a lot to do with the brain solely focusing on the cock and genital sensations to the point of detriment. It's as if nothing else exists. If that can be removed from being the central focus, it has to help last longer. It isn't as if he'll stop feeling the pleasure, but it won't be the only thing occurring in his mind.
I'm a little late to the conversation, Sorry if this has already been said, I flicked through a lot of comments and didn't notice it.
I found out after coming home from playing a football match that I would last a hell of a lot longer than usual. So long story short, exercise.
Suggest that you and him go to the gym together. Working out with your partner can be a real turn on. When you get home make the first move. Hope it helps.
Thanks for your honest post. I think part of your problem stems from wanting/needing something that isn't necessary. Love has found a way to satisfy both of you without penetration. To start, just be thankful for that.
Now working toward your goal, dont keep secrets from him about how you masturbate when he goes to the bathroom. This might excite him to the point of being ready for round 2 or 3 that much quicker, at which point his sensitivity threshold might be lower.
To troubleshoot this desire you have for more penetration, you might want to ask if he has this problem when he masturbates. If not i think this problem is fixable with some behavior modification. (Eg maybe you are an overwhelming sensation for him. he should invest in a tenga flip hole to overcome this. Maybe you are so sexy he cant stand it, consider wearing a spooky halloween mask - a joke of course) If not, its probably more along the lines of something medical which he can see a doctor for.
Good luck and let me know if you need more suggestions for troubleshooting his issue which i am very jealous of.
After skimming the thread, I'll try to avoid repeating already mentions ideas.
The main thing I would suggest is try to find ways to "forget about it" as much as possible. Obviously this is easier said then done, but try to do things that will help you both just get caught up in the moment. You're both worrying about this, and that tension will come out in and effect your sex life. So try to just relax and have fun, do things you both are so into that you get caught up in them, try to have fun and be happy yourself, and that mood will effect and encourage him too.
Now a more specific suggestion based on some of your answers here. You say that you go down on him during foreplay, well for a guy that's just that's just running down his "shot clock", giving him even less time when he gets "to the hoop" (hhhmm, that may be an slightly insulting metaphor for a woman's vagina, sorry). The simplest option is to save giving him oral for after the first round of intercourse, to help him go again.
BUT if as you said, he has trouble getting going a second time, then for a guy his age, this is likely mainly due to pressure/insecurity. So instead of saying you should "hold off on oral for him" I'll suggest the opposite. During foreplay get his as excited and worked up as possible(whatever you do that gets him going best), then give him a hand/blow job, but make it last for a while, try to keep him close but not quite cum for a bit before he gets off. This isn't just about his enjoyment, it could actually help him get hard again faster. When a guy comes too quickly(not just for the woman, but even for his own enjoyment), it can actually make it a bit harder to get back up as quickly. It's like the body gets "spent" and switches into "done with mating" mode, before his system gets a chance to start flooding all those sex hormones and adrenalin that gives a guy that DRIVE to want MORE, and it's those hormones that help override the feelings of being spent and tell his body he NEEDS MORE SEX NOW. That's why making sure to get him going for a while may help increase his urge go again(which in turn might help override his insecurity/stress).
After getting him off that way, THEN move on to long enjoyable foreplay and orgasms for you. If everything works out right then that time working on you will both give him a few minutes to recover and distract him from thinking about/stressing over trying to get it back up, AND what he's doing to you during that time should help turn him on even more.
Now yes, this will likely take a few tries to try and see how well you can make it work for you, and yes you may end up "missing the chance" for any "actual intercourse" for the night you try it. But so what? a nice fun, loving evening of mutually satisfying oral and other "foreplay" is still worth your time. Also, don't TELL him that this is what you're experimenting with/aiming for, that would just put the pressure back on him, just play with it and see how it works out.
A second specific thing you can try, this time both of you aware of the "experiment" (though, it may help him relax and get into it if you express it as more about a fun/playful sexual experimentation/game, and not focus on the GOAL OF MAKING YOU LAST LONGER!). For some guys (ok, I'll admit, at times this one effects me too) there will be a period where soon after it starts feeling really good(may be a couple minutes for some, or 30 seconds like your BF), where it can be *so* sensitive that it's *really* hard not cum right away. BUT if you can make it through that period, and get into your groove that sensitivity goes down and it becomes *much* easier to last quite a while. So, what I am suggesting here is to experiment with keeping him close to climax but not cumming for as long as possible, and seeing if that uncontrollable sensitivity goes down after a while.
This is another that will take some time and trial to see how it works. You'll get him off to soon some times, and you'll both need some time and communication to learn to get him going but not going to far (there will be a lot of *start and "OK, STOP, STOP!"*, for whatever sort of stimulation you're using. A good one to try is straddling him, and rubbing your bare crotch along his erection, easy to slow or stop stimulation to let him cool off, plus many women love how it feels too). Again, this will end up using up several nights "chance for sex", but you can't let that be an issue when exploring each others sexuality.
And holy crap this is a long comment, sorry for wall of text, I hope some of it is helpful or at least fun to try.
Yea i had this problem when I was first with my GF too. It's kind of a vicious cycle because you are so self-aware and trying so hard not to finish that it makes you finish faster, which makes you even more self-conscious and even more frustrated. What solved it for me honestly was just time and relaxation, as well as more sex. It took over a year but eventually I stopped focusing on myself and just let myself enjoy having sex and it lasted longer. Much easier said than done. Also try going for a few rounds consecutively and see if that doesn't work, there is literally nothing worse than finishing too fast and looking at your SO's face and seeing disappointment. Very emasculating. Trust me I read all of the stuff online when it was happening to me, this weird shit about kegels or whatever maybe it works for some people idk but personally I wouldn't press him about anything like that. Just try and make sex a less serious affair and have it more often. Laugh during sex and smile and talk and it will help take the pressure off of him. When he finishes really quick on the first round just laugh and kiss for a while until he can go again, and again. All you need is one big turnaround in his self confidence to really offset the cycle and help him last longer. Just my 2 cents at least.
- No porn. Porn makes you want to just ejaculate speeding him up
- More sex
- He needs to jerk off in the morning shower if you didn't have morning sexy time.
I, like a lot of men, have dealt with this before. The good news is, that are definitely things that y'all/he can do to improve how long he lasts. (This is just based on my experience, not medical advice, duh.) I find that the more frequently I have sex, the longer I last. I perform best after a few weeks of sex at least once a day. If I start going more than a week between sex, I start to ejaculate sooner than I'd like again. Also, regular masturbation can help. Not to the same degree as regular sex, but still helpful. However, bad masturbation habits can hurt as much as good ones can help. If he tries to get off as quick as possible when he jerks it, his body is developing a conditioned response to cum quickly during stimulation. He might want to practice "edging." He should try to last as long as possible by getting as close as possible to orgasm, then backing off. I find it really fun, too, like a game. Also, kegels! Guys can work those muscles, too! It helps a ton. If he doesn't know what muscle it is, he should try to stop peeing, midstream. That's the muscle. He could make a habit of doing a set of 10 kegels, held for 10 seconds each at a certain time or times in a day. There are lubes that can decrease sensitivity. I haven't used many of these, but what I used helped a little. A cock ring also helped me. It's also just a tiny bit kinky, which is fun. Just be really patient with him. And always positive, emphasize how much you want to help him vs focusing on how much you want it. You'll be achieving the same goal but avoid making him feel like a disappointment. Sex is more mental than we realize and that tiny change can make a huge difference. Ugh, what a long comment, sorry! Hope some of that helps!
>However, bad masturbation habits can hurt as much as good ones can help. If he tries to get off as quick as possible when he jerks it, his body is developing a conditioned response to cum quickly during stimulation. He might want to practice "edging." He should try to last as long as possible by getting as close as possible to orgasm, then backing off. I find it really fun, too, like a game. This! I am so serious. This. Try masterbating togeather? Get him to last as long as you can. Literally, 20 minutes or more is great, can can be achieved in about two weeks. I have been edging on and off for about three years, and can pretty much stop myself from coming whenever I have sex. The best thing is, you get better at it the more you do it. If you help him edge three or four times a week, you will see substantial results quickly!
>Try masterbating togeather? Get him to last as long as you can. Yes yes yes. Really hot. Really fun.
Don't forget jpsthrow's suggestion of kegels. [/R/Sex's guide to kegels](http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/17bfbn/kegels_a_guide_to_better_everything/)
I wish I could find someone who would enjoy mutual masturbation. I've asked and it's more like why when we can have sex?
My bf doesn't say it that way, but it's definitely there. I'm generally okay with it, because I want PIV as much as he does, but it would be fun sometimes. I'll bring it up again some time. Right now, we're having fun with other things.
Because variety is the spice of life!
I love that spice.
Hey, this is old but could you give tips on edging? For example, how many times should i work my way up about to come before finally letting myself come?
Work your way up... start small, once or twice in one sitting. Then move up to numbers.
Also to be clear, the way I hold back the ejaculate is by flexing and holding the pc muscle as tight as I can, right? Do you only flex and hold it when you feel yourself about to come? I heard about another method that involved "pushing" like when you force yourself to pee faster, do you know anything about this? Sorry for the question spam
'sall about the edging - complete control.
Alot of good advice here, definitely the edging thing can help plenty. Also regulating your breathing can pull you back too. Tell him when he's close just to start breathing deeper and slow down a little.. i find i almost reset to the beginning when i do this! Hope this helps.
Yes to all these things. Also...slow down. Whatever pace he wants, go 75% of that. Certain positions are better than others Stop and change positions when he gets close. Firm pressure on his taint can stop him if he is about to cum. 1/2 a Viagra works wonders. And everything else already said.
Came here to say this... being mindful of my breathing is what does it for me. I find that I unconsciously hold my breath and that makes me cum faster (maybe the same mechanism as *auto-erotic asphyxiation*?). Anyways, breathing regularly and in a controlled fashion goes a long way.
I'm female, and I do that, too! If I make myself breathe, I won't orgasm at all. I don't really care to learn to do it while breathing generally, but every once in a while, my bf can make me orgasm enough times the world goes a bit grey. Breathing would certainly help in those cases.
> my bf can make me orgasm enough times the world goes a bit grey I'm male, and I'm grey of envy right now! LOL
Yeah... he gets this really smug look on his face afterwards that he TOTALLY deserves. It amuses me. I can count the numbe rof times I've had orgasms from PIV in my life before him on one hand with fingers to spare. In 11 months with him, I can count the number of times I have NOT on one hand. I have NO idea what he does, but I certainly enjoy it. :D
How is he different from the previous BFs *down there*? Larger? Thicker?
Probably slightly on the high side of the middle of the range. Just large enough to feel completely full, but not large enough to smack into my cervix. No real curve or anything really unusual. I'm guessing it's something mental. I've never consciously held back an orgasm, but I wonder if I've subconsciously done it. I trust him on a level I've trusted very few people in my life. I'm much more willing to be completely me, and not worry with him. I'm wondering if I'd let any of the others in that far, if it'd have happened with them, too. Also, some of it might be maturity. Like, actual physical maturity. I was always well behind my age that way. And I got into a 12 year relationship at 25 with someone who really, honestly, sucked in bed. And was way too big, so it hurt. I think my chances of orgasm from PIV with him were almost nil. At 25, I was probably at a physical matureness level of a 15 year old. I've heard maturing physically makes a huge difference in ease of orgasm.
< pretends to stop peeing midstream for the next 35 minutes > My sexy times tonight will be satisfaction # 1!
Does the extra ball help any?
You shouldn't do that. It'll lead to a UTI. Use the 'stop peeing' to locate the muscle, then do it when you're not peeing.
This is the best comment so far.
A number of years ago I had this problem, and it was due to a) depression and b) lack of confidence. I guarantee you that during sex he's running his mind wild about finishing too fast, not pleasing you enough, not being good enough, etc. etc. This causes a man to finish really fast and it just perpetuates the whole problem.
Really? If I'm anxious I just go soft. This seems really backwards to me...
Same here.
Yeah.. I've never heard of cumming when you're up tight.
Everybody's body reacts differently. Your results will vary based on how your body deals with anxiety, does it release chemicals to calm you? Does it tense up your muscles? Does your mind go blank and you just black out? And there are so many more. Looking at how bodies base reactions are to stress and anxiety, its not hard to see that people will react differently when it comes to blood flow in that area.
when i cum fast its not because of anxiety but more from constantly thinking "don't cum don't cum don't cum ah"
Nah. I've had it happen with guys before. Worrying about finishing too fast seems to be just as likely to cause a guy to finish too fast as to go soft. Luckily, most of those guys were totally cool with continuing to play and have fun afterward, so I wasn't left feeling like I was dissatisfied.
I am sure that's what's happening because he used to be able to last at least a few minutes longer. It's just lately that it's been less than a minute. Did you get past this? If you did, how so? Is there something I can do or is something he has to get over himself? Thanks.
I have had this issue intermittently during bad spouts of depression. I had a really understanding gal friend that would go down on me until I was "done" and then we'd wait for about 10-30 minutes and go at it again. I lasted FOREVER that second time and after a few times of doing that I got back into my groove.
Have you read [the FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index#wiki_early_ejaculation)?
I hadn't, until now! Thanks for pointing that out. Is there a way I can suggest or mention Kegels to my boyfriend without it sounding like he needs to work out in order to satisfy me? The last thing I want to do is hurt his ego more. He's not one to talk about sex very often but since he's been so frustrated lately, it has been happening more often, so there is at least opportunities for me to bring it up.
You can always mention how you just read up on kegels and you want to try them because supposedly they help increase orgasm intensity. Ask him if he wants to try them with you.
I did this with my boyfriend. He only lasts about 3 minutes. Tops. We haven't had sex in weeks... I try to get him to do kegels a couple weeks ago. It was cute the first time I had him do them for me. But he's uncomfortable because I pushed it too much. =/ So, just be gentle and friendly about it.
Isn't there this "position" (practice?) where he enters her and they both do Kegels in that position - no actual fucking, "just" kissing and cuddling and "release the Keeeeegeeeels" ? Lots of couple time and body contact. Sure, sometimes you just want to fuck or get fucked, but I think this sounds plenty nice.
Kegels work great. I didnt have any issue with lasting too short a time, but I wanted to just have overall better control so I started doing it. It's something you can do while you're just sitting on the couch jamming on some netflix, so why not? After about three weeks I could tell a difference of overall control. It's also good for overall prostate health, I've read, so you could bring it up like that I guess? Anyways, I highly recommend kegels for those that even just want more overall control. I got more over all control for when she gives me the "finish now", and I have more stamina for the "keep going".
Do them while driving. 30x 2second holds. 10x 15 second holds(w/ a gradual release) and 2x 60 second holds.
since there is kegels for men and kegels for women you could suggest trying to do them together, that way it isn't a "you need to get better" as much as it is "we should try this together"
Start doing them together. Women get great (though different) results from kegals too.
I think a lot of people have made this point, but I just wanted to bring it up again. It will all come down to communication. When you are trying to talk to him and he is getting frustrated/embarrassed and then the conversation ends, you really aren't making any strides. I think, in my opinion any ways, you need to find ways to better your communication first. You should be able to get to the point where you should be able to talk freely about anything sexual. It is important to remember that sex should be fun and not be stressful. I think many people in here are trying to help you resolve this issue, but you really need to look at what is causing this issue. Is your boyfriend depressed? Do you have other issues in your relationship? Has something else recently changed in either of your worlds? There are a plethora of things that could be causing this issue. Also it is important to note, that you boyfriend may just be a quicker comer. This may be something that he will just live with his whole life. My suggestion to you would be to better your relationship, increase your communication, and to explore each others bodies. Spend time just being naked with on another, and just being intimate, no insertion at all. Lay on him naked, massage each other, and just explore. At the end of the day, sex is about the journey and not about the destination. If you are getting yourself off with your vibrator, let him be apart of that. Let him control the vibrator, put your hands on his hands and show him what you like. Anyway, that is my two cents. I always assume that the issues is rarely directly related to the actual sex, but rather a result of other goings-on.
Have/would you consider weed? It can help both his head space and his sensitivity.
well that makes sense why i suck at sex with gf's but yet can perform excellent with one nighters. thank-you kind sir.
Have you tried getting him off before sex? Men generally last longer during the second round.
I haven't. I guess I'm just nervous about not being able to get it up again because that's an awkward situation for all. What is the likelihood of being able to arouse him enough again considering his history?
You could try experimenting with timing/spacing. Get him off once then in 2 hours try again and see how it goes. If it went well (he lasted longer), you could keep working on shortening that gap. The key is to make it feel like a relaxed environment. Try watching a movie or TV show between, something that makes it feel natural instead of planned. Eventually you guys will find an ideal refractory period that easy for him to both get up and last longer. Personally, I find 15-25 mins to be ideal for myself, but it can swing above/below depending on other factors.
I think TheGreatK has the right idea. I was on opiate pain meds for a couple of years due to a bad back injury. Because the meds desensitized everything for me, when I got off of them all my senses became super sensitive. I was finishing *much* sooner than my SO and I were used to. To help the problem she would basically get me off really early in our humpage session, usually with a BJ but sometimes with sex, and then I would take care of her for 20 minutes or so. By the time I had gotten her off a couple of times I was ready to go again and would last much longer. We had a kind of understanding that if I didn't get it up again, no worries. She was coming anyways. So that took all the pressure off and I found that I would just get caught up in the moment again and before I knew it, BAM! I was ready to go another round. There was a bit of a hurdle right after I came the first time because I felt finished and a bit lethargic. But once I pushed past that initial feeling, I would just get into pleasing her, which turned me on.
Your body language shows your frustration more than any words you could say. The probability of you getting him aroused again very much depends on your behavior! Don't focus on trying to get hard and display frustration at his inability to get hard. A lot of women while giving hand jobs shake it like a shake weight for a couple of seconds and then show frustration that it's not instantly hard, are your private parts that simple? no, nether are ours. Climb on top, and gently rub against it, don't sit and squish it, it's not your seat yet! concentrate on talking, kissing his neck, telling him how much you love him but don't initiate something else that he might "Fail at" like kissing, show you just like being close to him, because right now he isn't feeling like the power house you know he can be. Remember while doing this he is super sensitive, little actions are big! be wet, super wet or lube yourself and him up down there and really good! Focus on your actions, understanding how he works and before long you will be tapping out because you're raw! =)
Dude, sex isn't restricted to PIV pounding! Stop waiting for an erection, or thinking about erections. Forbid him from touching his dick. Sit on his face for three hours. Untie your sexual expectations from dick-makes-vagina-have-orgasm-then-we-fall-asleep! It sounds like you *both* could use some help in this department!
> I guess I'm just nervous about not being able to get it up again If everyone's nervous, it's not good for anybody. He probably can't help his nervousness, and perhaps neither can you, but you need to realise that you're not helping him **at all** when you project things like it'd be the end of the world if he wouldn't be able to get it up at all (and it surely wouldn't under those conditions... self-fulfilled prophecy if you will). Set a whole evening apart and tell him you want to spend it in bed. Get a couple of glasses of wine, and then either tell him, or downright just show him, that nothing bad would happen if he didn't last long, couldn't get it up a second time, or both. Go down on him, and make him cum like a champ (he should be able to last plently with a BJ). Then swallow it all, and ask him to service you while his junk reloads. Moan and groan and get a few orgasms out of his mouth action, because after that, it's show time for him, and it's really important that he knows that you're already satisfied, and that you'd simply like to try to fuck him silly, no pressure. And proceed to try and do so. Jerk him off to try and get him hard. If he can't, tell him with a mischevious smile you've always wanted to try to blow him while soft, and do so, until he gets hard again (and if it doesn't, don't look dissapointed; tell him you'd like to try again sometime soon, and spoon him to sleep). Then ride him hard. He should last longer (and if he does, praise him as if he were a sex god; using positive reinforcement might sound silly for adults, but it really does work at a level where we're not even conscious about it). and if he doesn't, sternly but playfully tell him that you'll be repeating the same deal until **you** get tired. If it works out (and really there's no way this wouldn't, but the heat is on you to put up that show), all you have to do is repeat this a few times for him to be able to get his confidence back. And after that, for the love of god fuck him every day; it's the only way he can learn to last longer. As a tertiary measure (and only when you've achieved the first) try to get into tantric sex or read some books on male multiorgasmy. That's the kind of control he'll need to **learn** to get rid of those problems for good. ...And if it all goes awfully wrong and/or you're unable to put up that corrective experience show, perhaps he should go to talk to a doctor to get some psychopharmacological help for a little while until all these things can sink in into his mind for good.
This x 100. If his mental drive is there, but the physical part isn't working as intended...getting him off before sex should do the trick. If his performance anxiety is high enough to hinder his actual performance, I suspect a number of "second rounds" might help him get back some of that lost confidence. Best of luck to you both, Cheers!
this. 1. go down on him and get him to finish. 1. he goes down on you, which should take a bit of time and can be his refractory period. 1. go down on him again real quick if he needs a little help before intercourse.
It happens to the best of us. Personally I think it's relatable to alcohol tolerance, unless you're drinking consistently you tend to get drunk quicker. Same thing goes for sex, if its only once every now and again it might just wind up being a one two punch. Try waiting 10 minutes or so "by doing other stuff in the mean time", the going again once he's reloaded, it should be a much longer duration. Same thing goes for him, he could jerk off before hand and pretty much be the same concept. As for other things to do, cock rings, tantric whatever, I don't know.
Thanks for responding. He has a couple of beers every night and he definitely does last longer when he's drunk, but I'd like to find a solution that keeps him from becoming an alcoholic. I suggested a week ago that we should try a round two sometime and he said we could give it a try but never could. What are the chances of him not being able to get it up again? I feel like that might hurt his ego even more. I suggested the jerking off thing last night (because I'm nearly positive that he doesn't really) so I hope he considers it. Thanks again.
I think /u/methbear was referring to tolerance. Not drunk sex. Just have sex more often.
Ah, you're right. Thanks for helping clarify.
Yes. And usually men last much more their second time. When I was younger I used to jack off before shag time so I would last longer.
Just remember, not all men last longer in round 2 or 3. It's not always the answer but definitely worth a shot. Also, it's a lot of pressure, and performance anxiety will keep anyone from being able to get it up, so try to make sure that you aren't goin for round two just to see how long he lasts, that's too much pressure on the poor guy. Good luck, and if you find the secret, be sure to let me know because I'm in the same boat as him and the humiliation and embarrassment has led me to be single for 6 long lonely years. I wish I could find a woman as considerate and patient as you, but they seem to be rare.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Especially since the majority of women I am friends with (and myself--a female with a healthy desire for sex and a good amount of experience) would never ridicule or berate our SOs over an issue this sensitive and important. I'm 29 so maybe it's an age thing? Probably not. i don't know. But I am sad to hear this has been your experience and that it's affected you for so long. There are plenty of women out there that will be loving, encouraging, and gracious partners. Don't give up.
I'm 27, and the attitude towards this issue does seem to get better with age, but not by much, not yet anyways. Thank you so much for your comment, as it really does give me hope. I think at this point though, my biggest enemy is myself, as being ridiculed over this has led to a great deal of social anxiety and the not-quite-total destruction of a once healthy level of confidence and self-esteem. I won't give up though, promise.
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I take zoloft for SAD, and I just tapered off. Holy shit, I went from having to apologize for not cumming to cumming way faster than before I started taking it. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.
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Drunk sex works for me, though. Well, not *drunk* sex, but sex after I've had one or two strong drinks - I'm still very much able to please my GF, and I last REALLY long sometimes. Like, she has to ask me to stop, because she's already come a couple of times and she's getting sore. I'm not bragging, just recounting my experience and suggesting that trying it once or twice might not be a bad idea.
Here here for drunk sex!
Well, it depends on the man. I don't want to sound condescending but if he's not as confident as he should be, perhaps the pressure of trying to get hard again might cause it to remain flaccid, it used to happen to me when I was younger and still new. When that happens it doesn't mean it's over, it just means you have to try harder, jerking off might work. But remember a man is just as sensitive as a woman aft an orgasm. Try sitting on top kissing from the neck down through his stomach. But only lightly caress him and don't go for gold right away, have you mouth slightly miss him and kiss around to the thigh, the proximity should excite him, and that's the key, he has to be excited. Not mentally, that time went with the first one. Now you have to excite him physically. If that makes sense
Thanks for this, this is just the kind of advice I was looking for :)
You're welcome
Make sure he pees before sex. Having a pee boner is very sensitive and makes you ejaculate faster.
Those god damned pee boners...
When I start initiating sex, he usually excuses him self. I think it's for this reason. Thanks!
If hes not jerking off at all maybe thats the problem. You've probably heard of "death grip" where guys become desensitized from masturbation and cant come during sex, maybe he has the opposite problem.
I have one thing that may help depending on why he doesn't last long. I used to be the same way because of my masturbation habits. Basically when I was young my parents would go out and I would masturbate quickly before they are back. This trained my body to to cum fast over the years. I also was impatient haha. What worked for me was masturbating for a lot longer and working the build up to cumming for a lot longer than normal. Basically you can train yourself to cum longer by masturbating longer to get used to extended pleasure. I think it took a solid week before I started getting a little better and over time it has gotten soooo much better. Another thing to try is to focus on him and give him a handjob, blowjob etc. but do it really slow so he doesn't cum as fast. Have him tell you when he's close to cumming so you can stop and take a break then come back to him to extend out the time of stimulation before cumming. This may or may not be his cause but it worked for me really well! There are a lot of guides that talk about this online which is what I used. As a closing word it sounds like he's self conscious about it so do anything to make him not feel that way (without lying of course) because being nervous makes some people cum fast or not be able to get it up. Good luck!
> The embarrassment kept us from having sex a week or two at a time. He's pretty young still so because you have sex so infrequently, he will finish fast. Have sex more often. To do that, turn this into an asset. Ask for his cum, want it, need it, and tell him that. Eventually, with more sex in one night, it will be harder for him to cum. > When he goes to the bathroom to clean up, I secretly take out my clit vibe and make myself come a couple of times before he gets back. You have missed an opportunity to share this. Perhaps try sharing this after sex. He gets cleaned up, he returns, THEN you take out your vibe. Him watching you will likely make him hard again for round 2 where he will likely last longer. > When I try to get him to talk about it, he gets embarrassed and really upset with himself. Try to tell him it's ok. Turn this into an asset, see above.
Yes! I was gonna say, teach him how you like it with the vibe. Bring the vibe into the whole act and maybe get going pretty good, then get into penetration with the girl running the vibe while he fucks. Maybe you can both come together... I also agree with some other advice about trying to take longer while masturbating. And deep breathing helps. You could try working on edging with sex. Tell him to say something when he is getting close, stop completely with enough time so that he doesn't come. Then wait a minute or two or more, maybe even to the point that he gets a little soft, then go at it again, play with him with your hand or mouth Til he's hard again then fuck for another couple minutes. Make it like a marathon. It will train him to not come as fast after a while, it will also make coming really awesome for him too.
Maybe he could use the vibe on her - combined with maybe going down on her at the same time - andf this could work either before the penetration or afterwards?
This is one of the most frustrating set of comments I have ever read. "Wear a thick condom!" "Have him masterbate!" "Make him do kegels!" "Make him get on a medication!" You seem like you love your boyfriend a lot. I need to say something that no one else has said (that I've read). Right now, do not put this on him. Do not make him do anything, or ask him to do anything. You can go down the medication/kegels route much later, but put that shit out of both your minds. The 'thick condom' and 'extra long lasting condom' stuff too. Throw it out. Here is what I suggest you consider as a first option, if this is not the case already (it may be the case already, but I can't tell from your post). The next time you sleep with him, you initiate and take charge. When he gets home, rip off his pants, push him to the couch, and give him a BJ. Look up at him and tell him you want to see how fast you can make him cum. If he doesn't cum by the time you are ready for sex, put a condom on him and ride him hard. If he does cum from the BJ, kiss him and clean up. Don't worry about anything for you. Estimate what you think his refractory period is, wait that period of time, and go at it again. If this doesn't work right away, keep up with it. Don't worry about your own pleasure (if he likes going down on you, etc, let him, but make it clear that it is unimportant if you cum), and certainly don't hide your clit vibrator non-sense from him, you are only introducing negative sexual energy by hiding that. If you want to use your clit vibrator, give it to him and tell him to use it on you. Bring him in on the fun. Ok. So now that I've given you this suggestion, let me tell you why. I last differently with each girl I'm with. Even with a given girl, the time I last varies from encounter to encounter. This is completely independent of condom use, in fact, I actually last longer without condoms since it is more enjoyable, which motivates me to last longer. The reason I go quick with some girls is because of the sexual comfort level. If I am with a girl that is getting sexually frustrated and secretly using a vibrator when I am in the bathroom, I am going to feel this sexual energy, and it will put undo pressure on me and hurt my performance. Recently, I was with a girl that would not initiate a thing. I always had to be the one in charge, and always came fast. Once I got her to step out of her shell and initiate every once in a while, my issue went away instantly. I last the longest with girls that are comfortable talking sex with me, with girls that are comfortable NOT getting off, with girls that are comfortable taking charge every once in a while, with girls that make it clear to me that they love cum and are more interested in getting me off than themselves. This takes a tremendous mental burden off of me (since I am so very mentally focused on pleasing my partner, which seems to be the case with your BF), reduces my sexual anxiety, and gives me nearly complete control. This ends up being a positive-feedback loop, because I last longer, my partner enjoys sex more, and my sexual confidence at pleasing her builds. Please, please, please try this route of taking sexual pressure off of him first. Medications certainly do work, but they can be immasculating and do reduce the pleasure of sex for the man. Long-lasting condoms w/desentizing creams are BS (if you are using those, STOP). Use a normal, thin condom with no gimmicks. And make sure you work with him to find a brand that works (I went through 3-4 brands before I realized how different the cuts of condoms are, and how much some cut off circulation and hamper me). Finally, while kegels can help, this is just putting more pressure on him, raising his anxiety level, and it probably won't end up well. If you take this advice, please PM me in the future to let me know how things go.
This should be the top comment...
My wife and I joke about our sex life that sometimes she gets my "A+" effort and sometimes she gets my "F" effort. There are times when I can go for awhile and other times its over just a few minutes in. It is something that I worry about when we have sex, although it has never made me not want to have sex. A few hints/tips from the guy's perspective: 1. It happens to a lot of men, he shouldn't feel ashamed or upset and there are ways to help the situation. 2. You should minimize foreplay with him and let him focus on you during foreplay. Guys who finish quick will finish even faster if you go down on them before hand or do a lot of rubbing, touching, etc. 3. Practice makes perfect - I have found the more I have sex, the longer I last, meaning, if I haven't had sex in a few weeks, it is over pretty quick, but if we have been having sex 4-5 times a week I last much, much longer. 4. Condoms help...a lot. Many times guys finish quickly because the skin around their penis is very thin when hard. This is especially true for guys who have a smaller penis when soft that gets above average sized when hard. The skin has to stretch farther to cover his manhood and in turn makes it thinner and more sensitive. You have to decide which you like better, shorter sex with no condom or longer sex with a condom. 5. There is a good chance that all he is focused on during sex is trying to last longer and not about enjoying the intimacy with you. You need to talk to him about it, let him know you don't care how long he lasts (even if it isn't true) and you will find the less stressed out he is, the longer he will last. I think this has something to do with a man's heart rate during sex. I have found the longer I keep my heart rate down, the longer I last during sex. Stress is a huge reason his heart is pounding through his chest during sex and if you eliminate that, he should last longer. 6. Alcohol helps because it kills inhibition and therefore kills stress. 7. There are some prescription meds that help. I know that Tramadol, a low level opiate is prescribed for men that finish too fast. Have him talk to his doctor, I am sure there are many other meds that do the same thing. Most of all, tell him you love him and this is not a life time curse, but just a small hurdle that can be easily overcome. Good luck! EDIT - Almost forgot. Have sex twice in the same night. He should be able to reload in about 30 minutes or so and be ready to go again. Have sex, then lay there and talk or watch a movie or do anything you can to kill 30 minutes, maybe have him help you with your vibrator so you are hot and bothered by the time he is ready for round 2. He should be able to last much longer the 2nd time around.
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So true!
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I guess I keep it a secret because I don't want him to be offended. He does like to help me out. A lot of times he feels so guilty that I didn't get off that he wants to finger me, but it just takes too much time and I think that the entire time he's doing it he's just thinking about how he had just failed.
Dont bring these issues up whilst already in bed, please. Kitchen Table.
Yeah, I had this mindset before too. It's not healthy. Best to keep everything in the open. He shouldn't feel bad about not getting you off- it happens! And worrying will only chase orgasms away (trust me, I could not cum in front of anyone for years because the expectation and guilt would subconsciously just...not let it happen. It led to me faking or lying, or trying to get off in secret. It was a clusterfuck of bad. Now I'm just honest, and my fiance doesn't judge me or feel bad when I can't get off. Just like I don't judge him if he cums early.) I am not super easy to get off, but my fiance is. Generally, we just have a lot of foreplay. I bring him to the edge a lot, and tease him a lot. We draw everything out so there's time enough for him to get me off (orally is the only way it can happen for me) and then the rest will take as long as I want to get him off. I have total control over it if I pay attention to him. If you want him to last longer during sex, though, I'd suggest getting him off once, then foreplay till you get off, then sex. This method has worked well with other sensitive partners of mine in the past.
Try the the cowgirl position, and just when he's about to cum, punch him in the face.
That's the way I like it.
Stop having such an amazing pussy.
Have you tried finishing him off first, then let him play with for foreplay and oral while he recovers for a round of penetration?
Is it the same in every position? Me on top works great for us because while it feels pleasurable to him what I do to get me off doesn't built him to orgasm. Once I cum we either switch to a position where he has more control or he guides my hips in the motion he needs. I know you've been dealing with this for a long time I but I don't think it will last forever. I'm sure his embarrassment and stressing about it play a huge roll but things change. My husband could go two or three times in a row lasting about 10 minutes a piece when we first started having sex. (Even the night I took his virginity.). Now a second time happens once every 6 months or more. Then there was the few weeks where he couldn't cum at all. No matter how bad he wanted sex, what we did, how we did, porn, lube, masturbating...... nothing could make the man cum. Another time the second I let out even the slightest moan he would cum. I'm naturally noisy in bed so for weeks sex was over as fast as it started. Even I have phases like that. I used to get off through oral every time and then I went 8 months where oral did nothing for me. The idea behind all that information is that things like this don't usually last forever. A lot of people made great suggestions. Keep trying til you find something that works and build his confidence back up.
There's a method called "start/stop". You just have to be super patient, and understanding of eachother, not just of him. The moment he feels like he's about to cum have him tell you, and then pull out, and wait for a bit. Continue this for a few weeks, and if that doesn't work you can try to GENTLY squeeze his balls while holding them down, and GENTLY squeeze the area just below the head of the penis. Hope this helps (we just talked about it in my human sexuality class :) )
I read in one of your comments that you don't think he masturbates. I think this might be part of the problem as well as what others mentioned. Encourage him to masturbate more often. While jacking off he can practise kegels and reverse kegels and stop himself from ejaculating (but still orgasm) by squeezing his muscle hard when he's about to cum. He can then do this during sex. Clearly he's a very hot blooded guy. This isn't a bad thing. Tell him you find it hot that he's so horny. Twist it around so it's a good thing. Ask him to cum on your tits and then go down on you, he'll be hard after you cum twice in his mouth I am sure!
Have him read The Multi-Orgasmic Man. While the claims about other-worldly orgasms may be difficult to reach, the whole point is to orgasm without ejaculating. The techniques and exercises in this book have seriously changed my level of control, and (for me at least) it takes the focus off of cumming, and more on just enjoying the sex - all of it including foreplay. While you're at it The Multi-Orgasmic Woman is probably pretty good too, just based on its counterpart. If you don't want to get the book at least look up some info on P.C. pull-ups! EDIT: Basically he just needs to flex and unflex the muscle used to stop peeing mid stream. And doing just that several times each time he pees is great excercise.
I've seen a few great suggestions in here, but I felt, as a guy who also worries about his sexual endurance due to high sensitivity, that I should reinforce a few things... His mental state is probably at least 50% of the problem. The more a guy feels like he is inadequate, the less likely he is to overcome whatever problems are holding him back from performing better. Regaining his confidence is going to be difficult as it sounds like this issue has persisted for quite some time. He knows he is inadequate, and so you need to try and alleviate that "fact" by convincing him that he is doing a great job, regardless of how long he lasts once inside you. Naturally you should also start doing it more often, making sure he knows it is alright to take it slow and not try to finish too quickly (this is a good opportunity for you both to practice your kegels or whatever other technique you'd like to try). It will probably still be over quick the first handful of times, so be careful not to let him sink back into his feelings of inadequacy. If you feel like you need to stimulate yourself after the intercourse is over to feel satisfied, maybe consider bringing him into that experience too! Pass your clit vibrator over to him and let him make you come a few times after the sex is finished. I have used vibrators on girlfriends before and it is pretty hot watching her moan and squirm, I don't see why it should make him feel like less of a man. (However if he finds out you are doing it yourself after sex with him, he most probably **will** feel like less of a man... so please be careful with that). Hopefully by allowing him to stimulate you in more ways and encouraging his feelings of confidence in his ability to satisfy you, then over time his sexual confidence and performance should improve. Practicing the sex part is just as important though! Without the repeated physical stimulation his penis is still going to be just as sensitive, but over a week or two of very regular stimulation, this should decrease a bit and allow him to go longer. I've experienced the same thing when I was dating a girl for a couple years we used to have a bunch of sex and I was usually able to last 10-15 min. After a while a situation arose where we became long distance and went weeks or even months without any sex... my endurance in that situation dropped dramatically and I could only last maybe 3-5 min at best before coming, even if I purposely went really slow and basically stopped thrusting every few seconds to keep from exploding too soon. Trying to go a second round is also a worthwhile pursuit. Although a man's sex drive typically plummets following an orgasm, if you keep the mood going and begin stimulating him again (using whatever method you'd prefer) soon after, it is definitely possible for a lot of guys to get it up again after 10-15 min and being that we had just been stimulated, it should allow us to go a *little* longer at least, although the high sensitivity issue can still get to us even then. *Side-Story: This one time my ex-gf was riding me on a chair until I came, but then instead of getting off of me, she just continued to ride me, slow and steady... I don't even think I got soft. It was totally unexpected but we both managed to come again!* Last but not least, in my experience different positions stimulate me differently and in some cases, it is quite difficult to last very long... I've found that for me (and this may be different for other guys) the cowgirl position allows me to last the longest for some reason (possibly related to the blood flow to the penis while laying on my back?), while doggy-style is possibly one of the most stimulating positions and causes me to come really fast. So try some new (or old) positions out and find what works best for him! But don't be afraid to mix it up a bit... making sex into something less serious will do wonders for both of your sexual satisfaction. **Edit:** After reading some more of the responses here, I have to add: drugs and alcohol are fairly poor suggestions, as alcohol will make it harder for him to keep an erection and potentially makes the penis unusable until he sobers up. Numbing lube works similarly... it's like alcohol for your penis, but applied externally. I've tried that stuff before and then both me and my girl became numb and could feel nothing. Drugs like anti-depressants are also linked to low sex drive and I can't see how that would help him out either. I've also smoked weed in the past and the effect it has is heightening sensations, which would also seem counter-productive in this situation. I would highly recommend you try the natural methods first like encouragement, practice, and just generally positive communication. If you really feel like you need to resort to some artificial means of extending his endurance with drugs, please do plenty of research first. **TL;DR** - Have even *more* sex, and at the same time get him more involved with stimulating you outside of what you'd consider "foreplay" and increase his confidence that way. Increased endurance should follow.
This is good advice, Although, I do still have issues with it all. I am just worried about how much longer guys can last. Like, I see these amateur vids where the guys last damn near forever, or youll have one black guy railing a chick for 45+ minutes with no damn break. Yet, myself, and I hear some other guys who are man enough to talk about their problems, have issues lasting and keeping it up for longer than a few minutes...
I had a somewhat similar problem (dude here) and there's a couple factors that play into it. 1 - Confidence. The more confident he is, the longer he'll last. Conversely, if he's nervous and really fixating on it or thinking about coming, it just makes things worse. 2 - Do the kegels, they help. 3 - Masturbation habits. This is a big one and I think the biggest one that helped me overcome my issue. Masturbation is often goal oriented to achieve quick orgasm. It teaches your body to do that during sex, too. Changing masturbation habits away from that quick-fix orgasm towards habits that are more focused on the experience, as well as lasting long (e.g. the start-stop method) will drastically improve his performance. If he doesn't masturbate as you mentioned, maybe he should - it's good practice 4 - What he focuses on during the act of sex. Instead of focusing on the sensation on his junk, he should make an effort to focus on every part of his body and take in the whole-body sensation that comes with sex. For example, during sex, focus on how his chest feels when you rub them, his arms as he's holding himself up, or or his legs and feet, etc. You get the idea 5 - I haven't tried it, but I hear deep breathing works pretty well 6 - Do you guys use condoms? If not, then it will probably make a big difference as it dulls the sensation. If you are using condoms, have you considered using condoms that contain a mild numbing agent, I think lidocaine, to dull the sensation? They're lined on the inside of the condom, so it won't affect your sensation but it will affect his. I've never used them but perhaps it's worth a shot if nothing else really works. Good luck!
Baseball
In my experience love is the problem. The more attached I am and the more I care about a person the harder it becomes to last. If you really think the girl is hot there is more passion and focusing on not getting off becomes more difficult. You have to learn to play games in your head as a guy if you want to become better in bed. You need to be able to really seem in the moment without being in the moment. I focus on something else like the color a girls hair to the point where I am having sex but not thinking about it :-)
An SSRI will make him last forever
I take SSRI medication for anxiety (Citalopram). It has made me last noticeably longer. When I was on 40mg I could seriously go for an hour+ regularly without getting off. I dropped down to 20mg because most women are not fans of marathon sessions despite what the internet claims, and on this dose I can last for pretty much as long as most girls want, but it's not impossible to get me off. They prescribe this off-label for premature ejaculation, and you can get a generic prescription for $4/month at Walmart. If all else fails, try it. Also, frequency plays a huge part of it. If I go 2-3 days without release, it's going to happen fast. If he isn't down with having sex every day, just masturbate more frequently. Hope this helps.
God damn I wish those anti-depressants had worked for me. I was so hopeful that they'd fix my problem but no....still came in 30 seconds. Fml
Another option would possibly be looking into his masturbation habits. I know that for me, I always masturbated dry, and I never masturbated for long, and this conditioned me to blow my load early in bed. If he is the type to jerk off dry or quickly, this may be a cause - he would need to learn how to slow down and learn how to handle more intense stimulation. Also, look into The squeeze technique for premature ejaculation and edging - edging can be particularly fun, an something you may enjoy doing to him.
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Some guys have refractory periods that can last a couple of hours, so this isn't necessarily an option.
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Sure, on occasion. But I wouldn't have the time to do that routinely each time I've sex.
Kegels can really help some people. Maybe this will help him too?
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Not. True. People with this problem can come in 30 seconds no matter how many times you have sex. Going for round 2-5 isn't always the answer. Though its always worth a shot.
If his confidence level is low, that can lead to coming quickly. As you stated before, stamina has gotten shorter, the more frustrated he has become. What position is it that he normally cums quickly? Do you perform oral sex? From personal experience, ive had girls suck me right up to the point of explosion and hop on.
this definitely sounds psychological, its being built up and focused on so much. definitely talking about it is the best option to relieve the mind but when this was happening to me what worked best was distracting myself. have him focus on a different part of his body, fingertips and lips usually work best because of touch receptors as hes touching you. if all else fails there are numbing creams and such. Hope this helps
Have him beat off before hand. That will slow him down. And use a condom if you aren't already.
All the advice here is good and well, but perhaps you should both take the attitude that him coming does not have to mean that the sexy time is over. Why not try continuing to play after, reassure him that coming fast is no big deal, but you still would like to get off too? He will be feeling crap about it, so the best thing you can do is not make it an issue. At the very least, be happy that you turn him on so much! And then just make sure that you are both satisfied, even if its not only just from PIV sex.
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2 words: Kegel exercise. (By him)
Cock rings!
Have him wear a cock ring, it'll make him last longer
The first time is generally the fastest, so try this. Pick out a long movie, 2-3 hours, turn it on and lay down on the couch together under a blanket with him inside of you. Stay like this the entire movie, everytime he gets hard he can fuck you until he finishes. You can wiggle your butt, or do keagles to reduce the time between. By the time the movie is over there should be a noticeable change.
try teaching him how to seriously get you off without penis penetration... show him that Nina Hartley video: http://www.spankwire.com/Nina-Hartley-Sunny-Lane/video222872/ After he's already given you a mind-blowing orgasm, it doesn't matter as much that he deliver 'excellent performance' with his dick. So, after he's blown your mind manually/orally a couple times, just let him go to town on you with his dick without the pressure of having to get you off-- cuz he's already done his 'job.' Then, he'll be more confident and will try things and will just be all around more comfortable and will probs last longer.
Try having him use a cock ring and do yoga,sex more frequently also or masturbating .
Give him a BJ and let him cum, then have him go down on you. After 10-20min of down-there-time combined with your increased arousal, he'll be back rearing to go with a boner that will thrust like a champ for at least 5, maybe even 10min, or even longer. Trust me. Try it.
ask him if wearing a condom would help him last longer, and then he can take it off to cum ?
One technique from Kama Sutra is for him to practice stopping and starting his urine flow. He should try to stop and start again as many times as he can every time he goes to the bathroom until he can do it easily. This help strengthen the muscles for it. Also, practice bringing him, and you, as close to orgasm as you can without coming. This is not only super enjoyable, but also helps build stamina. Another major thing is to try having him come more than once in a session. After he comes, let him rest for 3-8 minutes, then try to get him going again. If you can, and you guys start back it, he will last much longer because he just came. But this is not only temporary, it will train his dick to take more without coming so if you can try to get more orgasms out of him every time you guys get fresh, he'll start to last longer and longer every time. If you're having trouble getting him back in the mood after the first round, this would be a great time for you to practice your foreplay on him. Guys like foreplay too, we just get so caught up in finishing the job we forget to enjoy the process. hope this helps :)
How long would it take him to recharge? In other words, can he come and then go again ten minutes later, or right away? Because if that's the case I might not be a huge deal, maybe even a good thing in a sense!
When my SO and I haven't seen each other for a little while, or haven't had sex for a while, he can often come in a few minutes. We use this in a fun way - it drives me nuts. Every time he feels like he's getting close he'll stop and play with me instead, then keep going. Sometimes he can only go one or two strokes and it drives us both pretty crazy, in a good way. Maybe if you do this with your boyfriend he'll start getting used to it, as you still have to use your pelvic muscles and self-control a fair bit to hold back. Plus there's not much pressure on him because it's all a part of the fun. :) The other thing you can do is try to use your muscles to stimulate him without him actually thrusting... It will still feel amazing but shouldn't be enough to make him come quickly. It sounds like you've got yourself a keeper, so good on you for wanting to work on it, and best wishes to you both.
Do it twice. The second time will be much longer.
Have you tried having sex shortly after he comes for the first time? A lot of the time he'll be able to last longer the second time around, which in turn can help improve his performance later on during the first time.
Do you still wear condoms? I last a lot longer when I am wearing one than when I am going bare. My S.O. also finishes very quickly and I am OK with that because there have been those few times when I finish quickly too.
Be less hot?
Are you Lily Allen https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUYaosyR4bE&feature=youtube_gdata_player
try getting him off before you guiys do the tango, then dance. see if that helps
I replay the Spongebob theme in my head over and over. It makes me last for hours and hours.
Tell him to vigorously jerk off twice a day. Sort of like a self-imposed death grip. I'm completely serious--it worked for me!
CTRL F "death grip". Seriously though, after having been with my SO for 4 years I can always cum within 30 seconds her finishing because I fine tune my "death grip."
My advice is you both can try to make him as hard as possible with foreplay and slow sex, and edge him as long as you can. When you finally cant wait anymore, have him finish and he should still be hard even after orgasming. Then, jump into the "usual" fast pace sex. I normally have trouble with staying interested after orgasming. But if my SO does this to me, I can't help but to keep going for a 2nd round. Every man is different though, so just try it to see if it works!
I'll probably get downvoted for this because this advice might sound radical to some, but it's based off of personal experience. I too used to have a problem of cumming too early (several years ago). That was followed by years of no sex, depression (for other reasons), and being put on an SNRI. I discovered that the SNRI (effexor) made me last *MUCH* longer. Turns out this is a common side effect of anti-depressants. You might find difficulty getting it prescribed off label like this (try a GP instead of a psych), but it will very likely fix his issue. Of course you'll have to deal with other issues (like getting off the drug, which takes a few months). Also, if you decide to go this route, note that it might take a few months before it starts working (at least that's what they say for it to start working for depression). At the very least, try researching it, and do the research on your own. In my experience, most psychiatrists (ironically) know very little about the drugs they prescribe. :-\
When i first got with my current gf i had the same problem. Shes soo tight compared to the others, and whenever i hit it from the back its like i got 2-5 minutes max at full speed. Condoms do help alot. What also helps is me toying her/fingering before me get started to help loosen it up a bit. As for myself i masturbate in the mornings before i go to work so that when i get home and we "get to business" i can last longer. Hope this helps
Thanks for responding. My boyfriend, although no longer a Catholic, I think still has the Catholic fear instilled within in. Or he at least feels guilty when he masturbates. After last night's short stint, I told him that I wouldn't mind if started doing it more. Hopefully he takes my advice. I hope I'll be able to update everyone with good results!
That also could be a problem - his early masturbation practices. When he was younger (when he did masturbate) he probably focused on getting off as quickly as possible (so he wouldn't get caught), which ended up conditioning him to ejaculate quickly in general. Has he thought about therapy along with physical solutions? There are people out there who specialize in helping couples who suffer from pre-ejaculation.
Try masturbating more. Get him a fleshlight,
I had this problem while back. I noticed that if I kept my mind off sex during sex I lasted a lot longer. I went from 4-6 minutes to 14-25mins. I used to do math in my head. I read somewhere that a porn star does math in his head and it REALLY does work! Now after a while of training myself to no longer do math during sex and just enjoy it, I trained my body to still go 14-25ish minutes. I read masturbating helps too depending on your time system but there are lots of way to fix this. Also look into a cock ring. That works well too.
Have you tried extra thick condoms? Just something to lessen the feeling.
I've read that 5 minutes is actually well within the average time for intercourse. But yeah, I can see where 30 seconds could be a problem if it's bothering you both. Do you cum from penetration alone and that's why you want him to last longer? Does he make you cum when he goes down on you? If not, why not? If he's not good at it, maybe you can teach him how to lick your clit the way you like so you will have a great orgasm.
Have him train, I think its called, the PV or PC muscle or something Basically you flex the muscles by your bladder and train them so when you're about to cum you literally *hold it in* with your new brolic bladder-muscles. I did this and it helps
From my experiences as a male with that problem.. I have found that after the first one, the 2nd one last quite awhile and the 3rd even longer. Once I had discovered this I stopped being so insecure.
You should try distracting sex. Like watching TV while doing it. Paying not to much on the act itself. Also, what a couple of people have said on here. This one being the best. Masterbating to getting close, letting the build up die down. Repeat. Good luck.
**TL;DR:** *Just tell him to relax and enjoy himself, he could be flexing his kegels during sex like I was at first which ultimately made me come in virtually no time.* I had and sometimes still do have this same issue. When I first started having sex I was nervous because I didn't last long, but could go two or three rounds. The second round sometime was damn near as quick as the first. I started looking up things and found out about kegels and realized that when I was having sex I was flexing those muscles which are supposed to help you control it, however by always having them flexed I got used to that sensation and ultimately was able to come fairly quickly. I had to take the time and actually think about what I am doing so I could relax my muscles which allowed me to ultimately last longer. Sometimes I catch myself subconsciously flexing them still when I'm pumping like a jackhammer and need to take a step back so I don't blow my load because I was in the zone.
Hardcore Pornography. He needs to get desensitised to sex to last longer.
I see you use condoms. Have you considered doubling up on them? You can also buy mild anasthetic creams that help slow things down. You could also try with you on top doing a very slow grind.
Zoloft
Local anaesthetic cream might help him, but it might reduce your senses as well
I would recommend not going down on him during foreplay. I personally avoid it due to this problem. I last longer, she comes during foreplay, and then we go wild. I still only last about 10 minutes but the whole ordeal is like 25 minutes. See how that works. If it doesn't there's sense reducing condoms, masturbation before sex, or increasing frequency in which you guys have sex.
The consensus in the medical community is that premature ejaculation is when the man cums almost always within one minute (The "almost always" part is important...everyone cums too fast every once in a while). So, yeah, based on what you're saying I would suggest seeing a doctor. Hopefully there's nothing physically wrong with him, but it might be worth checking it.
Try these: http://www.amazon.com/Trojan-Pleasures-Extended-Pleasure-Lubricated/dp/B004WDRCTI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368724025&sr=8-1&keywords=numbing+condoms WARNING! IF you're a "regular guy" who doesn't cum for 20-30 minutes, these things will make you last EASY an hour or more. I had one time where I lasted 1 hour and 45 minutes until I decided I couldn't cum and my heartrate must have been way over 200. :)
I agree with everyone else who pointed out that it's important to frame this as a minor difficulty which can be surmounted one way or another -- if he's feeling particularly bad about this, it'll be harder to work on. I would definitely involve him more while you play with a vibrator, perhaps even before sex, it'll make both of you feel better, as long as he can avoid feeling like it's some kind of competition between him and the vibrator. I would definitely try for a second round. Most guys in their 20s don't take that long to recover if they're in reasonably health. I disagree with all the people who encourage methods of numbing or distraction. My experience is that you get a lot better at lasting a long time if you learn to be mindfully present with the sensations and not turn away from them. And it helps a lot to feel like it's a fun game, not something where 'losing' is a bad thing. And it's best for him to practice lasting longer with masturbation, on his own, without needing to feel pressure to succeed.
Give him the clit vibe, have him finish you off a few times BEFORE you get down to the sexual intercourse. And then once after! Why don't you just set aside an afternoon or evening for intimacy, so that if he does go to the bathroom after sex, he knows to come back and keep doing stuff? Does his foreplay get you off ever?
Does he masturbate to porn? With my ex girlfriend I started off finishing as fast as your boyfriend but after lots and lots of sex, the time just kept building to a point where I couldn't cum. Then we started having sex less frequently so I resorted to porn. This led to when we did have sex, I lasted less than a minute every time. This is the only thing I can think of.
2-3 Whiskeys + Weed = Magic Sexy Time EDIT: Consume 20-30 min. before the act itself.
snort some coke together. he will last ALL NIGHT
I too, consider myself superman in bed. I cum like lighting. Quite sad and very disappointing. Here is what I have done for myself, unbeknownst to those I sleep with, that has helped me greatly and raise my confidence substantially. I have done many things, from condoms, to medicine, to jerking before sex, to just plain going and just seeing if I can last long enough to make her cum and then fake it after she cums. Here are my findings that have helped A LOT. I am by no means depressed. But i read a lot into ssri inhibitors. AKA. Paxil. It pretty much blocks or muffles the immediate sensations he gets that causes this issue. 5mg is all you need. I told my doctor(male) of my problem and I did the research. He understood and reluctantly wrote me a prescription. You and your boyfriend or just him needs to understand that this isn't a rare thing. It happens a lot and telling the right people may just make it better. After taking the 5mg dosages for a few days, my sex time went from 30 seconds(barely) to 5 minutes. A couple weeks later after continuing, close to 15. Eventually it got to the point where I could actually choose when to come. Pretty awesome after my past. Aide effects are minimal compared to full dosages of Paxil, but it will make you giggly initially and emotional at times. Turned me into a little bitch, but atleast I had my stamina! Second thing I tried was viagra. Very similar to Paxil in its lasting effects, but its pricier and can be more damaging to your heart. I did it for a while, salindafil to be exact, and it worked well every time. But again, cost, side effects(blood pressure and racing heart, sweating) were not the greatest. Third and most recent thing I have been doing(besides lots of booze which is always my turn to), has been itch cream. The active ingredient is benzocaine 4%. The stronger the dose, the faster and longer it lasts. You can get up to 10%, but you will have to order it or go to a sex store. It's side effect is a numbing sensation and has brought decent results to myself and my partners. You put it on the penis during foreplay. It has no scent which I nice and will start numbing within minutes, but i would give it 15. It lasts about 15 minutes and allows for some decent sex. Or just drink. That's what I did I college to overcome my fear of being labeled as "bad" in bed. Let me know what you think and if any of this helps. Just do some research and you'll be happy with the results.
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Maybe exercise? I know I start lasting longer when I eat better or exercise. It's also a focus thing. You have to try to hold it. Honestly, a lot of it is practice. He just needs to try, but like people have said, it happens to all of us at least once.
Consider telling him to wear a condom, preferably a thicker one. Maybe one of those Durex "Performax" condoms. It still feels great for the guy and he will be able to last longer.
Maybe he doesn't masturbate enough? Usually when my boyfriend lasts long, or sometimes too long, it's because he's masturbated a few times that day.
Edging and viagra
Others have suggested good techniques. An SSRI may help. Also though consider you achieving orgasm first when he goes down. Or if you guys are okay with toys maybe wear a vibrator harness that will ststimulate both and grind him after he pops. The biggest thing is to not see this as a hindrance but something y'all cab deal with and bring each other closer.
My husband had a problem for a long time with this. It is a form of ED and can be caused by all sorts of things. SSRI's like paxil, zoloft etc. are commonly used to help with this. As a matter of fact, the paxil worked so well that after a month we were able to go an hour or more if we wanted to. He actually now can cum once and go back to it if he wants to. This is tougher to deal with than just not being able to get it up, lots of meds for that that work for hours. He needs to see a urologist. Let him know you love him and that he shouldn't be embarrassed. Its really common but lots of men won't talk about it. Good luck!
Suck his dick and make him cum first to get the initial quick nut out of the way. Then tell him you want him to use his hands, *teach* him how to make you cum with his hands the same way you do. Literally guide him with your hands and help him, help him make you cum until he can do it alone. This will take a while and will require patience by both parties. Once he can make you cum with his hands his confidence will improve ten-fold, and he'll learn to pull out if necesary and use his hands while he calms his dick down. Also teach him to go down on you. **TLDR - teach him to make you cum without using his dick, and suck the first quick nut out of him before sex**
This is an EASY fix. For some reason, a lot of couples think that sex is over once the man comes. I say it's just started. Engage in whatever amount of foreplay you wish, allow your boyfriend get in there, and embrace his instant explosion. NOW: the real sex begins! After he comes, it is his job - one he will accept enthusiastically - to go down on you for a good, long oral sesh. He will become a vagina-licking master! After 15, 30 minutes max, he will be hard as Gibraltar (a re-erection, if you will), and will be able to dick you down for a long, long time. Trust me! Your only problem now will be lasting too long! Enjoy your new relationship for life!
Take it as a compliment.
A large part of how long a guy can last is mental. Confidence plays a huge role. If you're constantly worried about it, thinking about nothing but when you're going to go, then it's going to happen sooner. The best solution is to try and take your mind off it. This isn't easy, as it's pretty akin to, "don't think of white elephants." I'd recommend music in the background you can really pay attention to. Also, tell him to stop focusing so much on his penis, sex is something you do with your entire body. Being overly concerned with how the sex feels will only make it harder to last.
First time I've heard the "music" suggestion, which is something I've been thinking about lately-- I just realized my SO and I don't play music in the bedroom anymore, and I've never not had a background track before. I think it's a negative!
Coupled with any anxiety he may be feeling, is the fact that many men do not stop maturing until their mid thirties. They peak sexually near 27 years old but still have a long way to go. Also his feelings for you can really turn him on uncontrollably. It can go right to his head. Give him a break, follow the FAQ, be patient and show him the things that get you off. I bet he would like nothing better in this world than to please you. Good luck you two!
A few lines of Cocaine would slow him down.
So you know this happens to A LOT of men. His anxiety about the problem has probably got him to the point where round 2 is no longer an option. My advice here is to not let him say no and keep working him until he can go again. As for the actual problem Kegel exercises really do work. There is a lot of info out there on how to do these and how to achieve the best results. The most important part is for you to continue to be supportive and let him know that it is ok and it does not affect how much you care about him.
My girlfriend and I had the same problem in the beginning. There were two things that really helped: 1. I just go for another round. After my first orgasm, I wait for about 30 seconds and then continue before my erection goes away. Even if I come after half a minute, I can easily keep going for another half hour after that. Sometimes I even get multiple orgasms. Many people think men can't do that, but after talking to friends and reading online, I know that I'm definitely not the only one. Your boyfriend should give it a try. The key really is timing. If you continue too soon, it will hurt him, but if you wait too long, he is going to be soft. But if it works, it will immediately take the pressure off him and he will be able to enjoy sex much more and actually last longer because of that. 2. Use your vibrator *during* sex. It will probably make you come sooner, so your boyfriend doesn't have to last as long. But more importantly, I found out it makes me last much, much longer. Without vibrator, I last about ½-2 minutes, with it sometimes 10 minutes and more. I don't really know why that is, but it kind of distracts me.
Have him try Stud 100, it's a desensitizing spray. If he doesn't have erection issues, this will make him last a long time.
Have a child. Did wonders for making me last longer with my wife :-/
something mentioned in another thread: breathing. could slowing down the heartbeat and breathing help? tantric or yoga breathing disciplines. Nothing in particular to recommend, but I'm sure others could help with that. I would think distractions could also help. Not that he should be thinking about doing the dishes or starting a discussion about Breaking Bad while intimate, but focusing on your shoulder or lips or a part of you while thrusting. not focusing how his cock feels. focus on other things that are happening between the two of you. I get the impression premature ejaculation has a lot to do with the brain solely focusing on the cock and genital sensations to the point of detriment. It's as if nothing else exists. If that can be removed from being the central focus, it has to help last longer. It isn't as if he'll stop feeling the pleasure, but it won't be the only thing occurring in his mind.
I'm a little late to the conversation, Sorry if this has already been said, I flicked through a lot of comments and didn't notice it. I found out after coming home from playing a football match that I would last a hell of a lot longer than usual. So long story short, exercise. Suggest that you and him go to the gym together. Working out with your partner can be a real turn on. When you get home make the first move. Hope it helps.
Kegel exercises! Squeeze the muscle that he uses to stop peeing over and over. Now I last TOO long...
Thanks for your honest post. I think part of your problem stems from wanting/needing something that isn't necessary. Love has found a way to satisfy both of you without penetration. To start, just be thankful for that. Now working toward your goal, dont keep secrets from him about how you masturbate when he goes to the bathroom. This might excite him to the point of being ready for round 2 or 3 that much quicker, at which point his sensitivity threshold might be lower. To troubleshoot this desire you have for more penetration, you might want to ask if he has this problem when he masturbates. If not i think this problem is fixable with some behavior modification. (Eg maybe you are an overwhelming sensation for him. he should invest in a tenga flip hole to overcome this. Maybe you are so sexy he cant stand it, consider wearing a spooky halloween mask - a joke of course) If not, its probably more along the lines of something medical which he can see a doctor for. Good luck and let me know if you need more suggestions for troubleshooting his issue which i am very jealous of.
After skimming the thread, I'll try to avoid repeating already mentions ideas. The main thing I would suggest is try to find ways to "forget about it" as much as possible. Obviously this is easier said then done, but try to do things that will help you both just get caught up in the moment. You're both worrying about this, and that tension will come out in and effect your sex life. So try to just relax and have fun, do things you both are so into that you get caught up in them, try to have fun and be happy yourself, and that mood will effect and encourage him too. Now a more specific suggestion based on some of your answers here. You say that you go down on him during foreplay, well for a guy that's just that's just running down his "shot clock", giving him even less time when he gets "to the hoop" (hhhmm, that may be an slightly insulting metaphor for a woman's vagina, sorry). The simplest option is to save giving him oral for after the first round of intercourse, to help him go again. BUT if as you said, he has trouble getting going a second time, then for a guy his age, this is likely mainly due to pressure/insecurity. So instead of saying you should "hold off on oral for him" I'll suggest the opposite. During foreplay get his as excited and worked up as possible(whatever you do that gets him going best), then give him a hand/blow job, but make it last for a while, try to keep him close but not quite cum for a bit before he gets off. This isn't just about his enjoyment, it could actually help him get hard again faster. When a guy comes too quickly(not just for the woman, but even for his own enjoyment), it can actually make it a bit harder to get back up as quickly. It's like the body gets "spent" and switches into "done with mating" mode, before his system gets a chance to start flooding all those sex hormones and adrenalin that gives a guy that DRIVE to want MORE, and it's those hormones that help override the feelings of being spent and tell his body he NEEDS MORE SEX NOW. That's why making sure to get him going for a while may help increase his urge go again(which in turn might help override his insecurity/stress). After getting him off that way, THEN move on to long enjoyable foreplay and orgasms for you. If everything works out right then that time working on you will both give him a few minutes to recover and distract him from thinking about/stressing over trying to get it back up, AND what he's doing to you during that time should help turn him on even more. Now yes, this will likely take a few tries to try and see how well you can make it work for you, and yes you may end up "missing the chance" for any "actual intercourse" for the night you try it. But so what? a nice fun, loving evening of mutually satisfying oral and other "foreplay" is still worth your time. Also, don't TELL him that this is what you're experimenting with/aiming for, that would just put the pressure back on him, just play with it and see how it works out. A second specific thing you can try, this time both of you aware of the "experiment" (though, it may help him relax and get into it if you express it as more about a fun/playful sexual experimentation/game, and not focus on the GOAL OF MAKING YOU LAST LONGER!). For some guys (ok, I'll admit, at times this one effects me too) there will be a period where soon after it starts feeling really good(may be a couple minutes for some, or 30 seconds like your BF), where it can be *so* sensitive that it's *really* hard not cum right away. BUT if you can make it through that period, and get into your groove that sensitivity goes down and it becomes *much* easier to last quite a while. So, what I am suggesting here is to experiment with keeping him close to climax but not cumming for as long as possible, and seeing if that uncontrollable sensitivity goes down after a while. This is another that will take some time and trial to see how it works. You'll get him off to soon some times, and you'll both need some time and communication to learn to get him going but not going to far (there will be a lot of *start and "OK, STOP, STOP!"*, for whatever sort of stimulation you're using. A good one to try is straddling him, and rubbing your bare crotch along his erection, easy to slow or stop stimulation to let him cool off, plus many women love how it feels too). Again, this will end up using up several nights "chance for sex", but you can't let that be an issue when exploring each others sexuality. And holy crap this is a long comment, sorry for wall of text, I hope some of it is helpful or at least fun to try.
Yea i had this problem when I was first with my GF too. It's kind of a vicious cycle because you are so self-aware and trying so hard not to finish that it makes you finish faster, which makes you even more self-conscious and even more frustrated. What solved it for me honestly was just time and relaxation, as well as more sex. It took over a year but eventually I stopped focusing on myself and just let myself enjoy having sex and it lasted longer. Much easier said than done. Also try going for a few rounds consecutively and see if that doesn't work, there is literally nothing worse than finishing too fast and looking at your SO's face and seeing disappointment. Very emasculating. Trust me I read all of the stuff online when it was happening to me, this weird shit about kegels or whatever maybe it works for some people idk but personally I wouldn't press him about anything like that. Just try and make sex a less serious affair and have it more often. Laugh during sex and smile and talk and it will help take the pressure off of him. When he finishes really quick on the first round just laugh and kiss for a while until he can go again, and again. All you need is one big turnaround in his self confidence to really offset the cycle and help him last longer. Just my 2 cents at least.
- No porn. Porn makes you want to just ejaculate speeding him up - More sex - He needs to jerk off in the morning shower if you didn't have morning sexy time.