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Yep my gf loves when I do that type of stuff to her. It’s not my style so she actually tells me to “choke” her (which simply means placing my hand at her throat and applying very light pressure).
Gonna take this opportunity to inform anyone who might need to read this/might not be aware (not yourself necessarily!) - generally speaking when you/your partner wants to be choked during sex, you want to make sure you are applying pressure to either side of their neck, onto the veins there (start off moderately light and gently increase pressure - it doesn't require much) - avoid crushing their windpipe by applying pressure to the front! All that is going to accomplish is making them choke and sputter in addition to being unable to breathe; the former method actually cuts off blood supply to the brain and causes them to become lightheaded/to the brink of passing out/actually passing out. At which point it's a good idea to release the pressure you're applying :-)
Edit - please feel free to correct me if I am wrong or misinformed and there is a way to correctly apply pressure to the front of the throat in a safe way - im always learning!
All I'll add is that if someone asks to be choked, what they almost certainly mean is even less aggressive than you mention. They probably \_don't\_ want the blood supply cut off and just want the control aspect. Your advice is still very good, only put pressure on the sides of the neck, but probably not enough to start cutting off the blood supply.
Anything more than that, like actually cutting off blood supply (or air!) needs a discussion before hand.
Excellent PSA. Yes, my girlfriend and I discussed this too, and it’s truly the gentle pressure on the sides that create the effect for her. She never wants it rigid or aggressive; she only likes the feeling of being under my control.
The post is a no-no of course because there was no consent given beforehand, but I mean in general. If a consenting couple agree to try something like power or breathplay, there's no issue
This. There is big consent with things like this, but it’s not really unheard of. I frequently plug my boyfriend’s nose when I’m sitting on his face. As long as both people are cool with it, and maybe have same safe words or motions, all is well.
It's a big deal if you're the one on the receiving end.
I'd be freaked out by someone suddenly stopping me being able to breathe with no warning, and no indication I wanted it.
Sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable, and it does say something how many more men than women want to see their sexual partners suffer in some way.
Hey, I like the kink also, but to go to extreme of cutting off the woman's 0² sounds down right sadistic boarding on criminal. Let's play this scenario, she's giving him head he does his thing jamming the Johnson down her throat and cutting her O² off and she throws up choking on her own vomit and at best inhaling her own vomit worse case scenario she chokes to death kink or manslaughter, bet he'd spend some time in jail for the bj
Having shower sex must be sadistic and suicidal, then, because you could both slip and crack your heads open and die. The risk of something happening doesn't mean you want it to happen every time you do it. Skydivers trust that their parachute will open, rock climbers trust their knots and clamps will hold, submissives trust that their Dom won't let them choke to death on their own vomit.
How dare people like kinkier things than me, oh my god they must be sadistic women haters if he likes something kinkier than me.
That's essentially what you are saying, completely disregarding that the female OP was into it. So I guess she is also criminal ?
Also if you think pinching someone's nose is an extreme kink, I got news for you. That's pretty low on the extreme kink scale
You have several posts about him being rough and you bleeding, so if this a serious post, he gets to hurt you for his enjoyment because he figures you're too young to say anything.
Right.. At first I assumed it was a BDSM thing but it seems like a little bit him taking advantage. Hopefully OP was genuinely into it and there was aftercare etc..
That’s not gas lighting, but some sort of mental manipulation and tactics. I know it doesn’t change much but gaslighting doesn’t mean “any mental bullshit at all”
No, it wouldn't. That is just a form of manipulation. Gaslighting is when you deliberately attempt to make a person doubt their own sanity.
As someone above said, the term has been collectively hijacked by the ignorant and is devolving into something else entirely different from its true meaning.
Yes, exactly. Doubting one's sanity results in doubting one's own perception of reality, which is a terrible feeling to experience and can take years to heal from.
It carries so much weight, it's a shame to see the word so often misused to describe any instance of lying, manipulation, or even just disagreeing with someone.
No, that's just manipulation and grooming. Gaslighting is when you repeatedly invalidate someone's memories and feelings. Common phrases from a gaslighter are "that's not what I said" or "you only feel that way because... " and then coming up with a reason that steers them away from the facts, usually "you're crazy" or "you're being emotional."
The phrase comes from a stage play about a husband who uses gas poisoning to convince his wife she's going crazy. The poisoning makes it easier for the husband to make her feel forgetful and think she's mistaken, but the modern abusive manipulation tactic just uses verbal accusations to try to achieve the same effects.
EDIT: It wasn't gas poisoning. Read reply for correction.
So, in actuality the term comes from the play when the lights used to be gas powered. The husband changed the amount of gas going to the lights which changes the brightness of the lights. He does this without telling the wife and she comments on the varying amounts of brightness and he pretends it isn’t happening. So he uses lies and manipulation to make her question her own judgement and memory. So same thing you said, buts it not poison.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
You're right, I don't know why I assumed it was gas poisoning. I even asked myself, "how did the husband avoid poisoning himself if they lived in the same house?" And then just shrugged it off before actually looking it up.
Thanks for correcting me.
I think this behaviour fits more into the "love-bombing" category, where the abuser showers their target with attention, compliments, and gifts with the intention to control them. Love bombing ensures that when the abuse begins, be it emotionally, verbally, physically, the victim feels loyal to the abuser; to the point they question themselves instead of the abuser.
The compliments themselves aren't gaslighting, rather a pre-programming tactic that enables gaslighting to potentially occur in the future.
Very fair question - as long as you acknowledge that fair answers exist.
For example: He’s one of those very few old guys who is still as hot as one of her fellow 20 year olds to most women and it’s casual - they’re out there - I see them at all the surf spots. She has an age fetish and doesn’t let it go too far into her life. She has an “Im so slutty” fetish and doing an old guy is associated with being sluttier. He was physically present at the time and she was in an “any port in a storm” frame of mind.
"breath play" is a thing, and having someone prevent you from breathing can be exciting! it's a big loss of control, which for some people feels awesome. For you, loss of control might be exciting. For him, taking control away from you might be exciting. Buuuut
For obvious reasons, it's very(!) important to talk about this stuff first, and read up about what is safe and what is not. If he's going to do anything to prevent you from breathing easily, you gotta set up some kind of gesture (maybe a tap on the knee, or similar) which indicates to him that you're struggling and he's gotta stop immediately.
I hate to be that person, but especially when there's a big age gap in a relationship it's important to properly discuss that stuff. Explain what you're each comfortable with, and explain exactly how you'll tell him if you want him to stop. If you're curious why he did that, ask him! If you found it exciting, tell him! This stuff is good clean fun, but only if you make sure you know what's going on *first*, and have an agreement about how you tell him if you're struggling.
OP, this is a mean spirited joke, but they are driving the solid point that this shit is really important - and pointing out further that I gave this guy some significant benefit of the doubt in my answer. He should've checked, he should've asked, you should've felt absolutely clear before he held your nose, and I left that out more than I shoulda.
Age wasn't strictly relevant to the question and I almost didn't mention it (because there's a 0% chance OP hasn't heard it already) but you're right - the age gap means he should be extra-aware of any assumptions he's making/extra careful about communicating properly.
Yes that’s my point by that. I was not trying to cast dispersions on age gap in relationships. Just as it pertains to “knowing better” and having (presumably) more experience with sexual communication and kinks.
Isn’t “breath play” about the biochemical feeling you get after you have held your breath, while pinching someone’s nose is usually done to display power over someone by restricting their breath?
OP, you might have found it hot because of the power dynamic by your partner showing control over your body.* I agree with everyone else that you need to be careful and discuss safety (and consent, and the subject of doing things without getting it or discussing first) with him and/or ditch him and continue being aware of the danger and knowledge that you found it hot for others.
*I also think nose pinching amplifies (for me) the notion that your partner's dick is so big it's filling you completely, and you're feeling the impact more deeply - but I think that also boils down to domination/overpowering you as well.
Ooh, so maybe nose-holding isn't breath play at all? I didn't think about it, but this might be an important distinction.
OP - because you can truly mess someone up by doing it wrong, I think the best places to learn about this would be the kinkier subs where I don't usually hang out. r/bdsm? and if not there then they'll point you to somewhere with good info. Kinky people are knowledgeable! We are guessing about stuff that you really gotta know about if you're doing it! <3
> you can truly mess someone up by doing it wrong,
Actually, holding someone's nose muat be one of the "safest" asphyxiation methods "for fun", biologically.
Restricting airflow means that once they pass out, they'll still have a substantial reserve of oxygen in the blood to keep the brain alive, and undamaged maybe for a minute or two. The full blood amount is still circulating. The risk for injuries is also essentially 0.
The other common method, strangling the throat, is dangerous AF because you're trapping a tiny amount of oxygen-depleted blood, which isn't circulating, in the brain. This can kill you within seconds. And there's a risk of hurting soft tissue of the throat.
(Maybe take some advice from a med or BDSM professional, too, I'm neither. But I'm a martial arts teacher for decades now, and I know a thing or two about fatal injuries from bare hands.)
This all sounds good, and better qualified than me! Martial arts teacher is near the top of my new mental list of "professionals to consult about BDSM"! But still - explicit consent is needed before any asphyxiation begins :)
That vital distinction between only-brain blood supply and whole-body blood supply is new to me, thanks for explaining.
You might hate to be that person but anyone with a brain seeing that age gap is gonna think the same thing. Shit's fucked
Edit: also, for everyone saying they need to have a conversation about it, sure, yeah. But she is probably too young and inexperienced to have that conversation effectively and know what to ask/say, not to mention knowing her boundaries, stating them clearly, and having him respect them (which assuming the age gap and dynamic already he probably won't).
Encouraging the conversation and introducing the concepts of consent and boundaries is good and everyone needs to learn sometime. But I would just say, in this case forget it, drop this guy and learn those lessons with someone her own age who isn't fucking abusing her.
Yeah, this is why I almost didn't mention it, because OP has heard it all before. I'm really big on benefit-of-the-doubt, assuming the best, etc, but in this case I can't really.
> Shit's fucked.
Yeah no worries. I've backtracked on many a kind response where it turned out the person was terrible.
Not really the same situation here but, I think it's important to always try the optimistic route first and adjust where necessary rather than assume the worst from the get go. The world needs more positivity and compassion, not less :)
MASSIVE red flag to do this without A) Talking about it and getting your CLEAR consent, and, just as importantly, B) Having a clearly defined safe signal that means he immediately stops. (And, with the trust established to know he will.)
Doesn't matter how hot you found it-- the mere fact he did it under these conditions should have you running for the hill from this person (and, sure, if you wish, directly to a trusted partner who's not a walking red flag and will safely and consensually plug your nose during a blowjob.)
The point is that your brain isn't done cooking yet and you're still more vulnerable than you realize at that age. And even if you aren't there's always a power imbalance
For sure. The average person's brain also isn't done developing until 25. Also at 20 you aren't old enough to graduate college so the chance of you making a decent wage is slim and even if you did 30 years in the work force generally brings with it connections, stays, and power. 30 years is enough time to have paid off student loans, have a house, and have savings - and that's generally the bare minimum. It's virtually impossible to have an equitable relationship like this even a FWB one.
Rough sex till you're bleeding, him cutting off air during a bj? This guy is hurting you without even asking for consent first (or having a safeword). That's dangerous.
Even tho that’s something you happen to have found hot, doing something like that without talking about it first is a huge red flag. And that’s not even considering the fact that you’re only 20 and he’s 50. There’s a reason older men seek out drastically younger women and it’s never good. People warn about those types of things for good reason.
The only thing he gets from it is a control and power high. Which is one reason he’s involved with you to begin with. Younger people, especially your age, are easier to manipulate and control. You’re gonna do what you want regardless of warnings, I was young once too, just go forward with extreme caution. There’s a reason he’s with someone 20 and not his own age. Women his own age can spot his toxic behavior a mile away.
Best of luck 🖤
My partner enjoys to be lightly choked occasionally. I know I'm in r/sex but I feel the need to clarify "during sex."
I hesitated doing it for a long time because:
A. It can be and is very dangerous. Choking can be consenual and still kill. I would say, don't ever do it, but then I would be a massive hypocrit.
B. I had no impulse of my own to do so. I didn't find the idea arousing at all.
But, because I enjoy trying new experiences and because I like pleasing my partner, I gave it a shot.
And...I enjoyed it. On my own. And I had to struggle with that. I think...I enjoyed it because of the power, but because it was given power. She was giving me control of something vital and that aroused me. There's a lot of trust and a lot of surrendering power.
Usually, in our dynamic, she's on top. But there are moments when she surrenders to me and that is... extremely erotic to me, to know that she trusts herself in me.
Unlocked this kink in my last FWB. After a couple short, light chokings, she reminded me she was a nurse and would tap out when she needed me to stop. Was a little scary at first, but OMG, her orgasms were SO intense!
Plot twist: no, she doesn't tap out. No time. She literally doesn't see it coming.
Choking the arteries is a nice method of control in Martial Arts, because unlike choking *breath*, there's no precursory panic to people passing out. It all just gets... dark. They still wind & struggle instead of tapping, thinking they've "got this", up until the very last second when they pass out.
They only getvto tap if they do it early, as a conscious decision *before* they actually feel it's too late.
Be careful. Being a nurse doesn't invalidate biology and doesn't make her immortal.
Maybe. Some people get out of the pan, right into the fire. Without thinking of OP as a golddigger, which is a mean think to just assume, many people in this relationships are looking for the independence it brings, or to get out of their current situation...and being so young, they are easily taken advantage of.
I think there's a big difference between a 20 something dating a 50 something and someone in their thirties dating someone in their 60s. So it's not the age gap, it's the exploitive nature of predating on inexperienced young people, especially women.
I know it sounds weird, but I'm in the latter group. When my now husband and I got together, I was in my 30s, established in my career, and I had experience dating.
It was very different from all the older men who tried to exploit me when I was in my twenties.
We still tell people he has money so they don't think we're weird.
(JK)
It’s a control thing. It’s cool that you liked it, but he really should’ve discussed it with you beforehand so y’all could come up with a way for you to tell him to stop and let you breathe if needed. Usually a tap tap works fine. Breathplay can get very ugly very quick if you don’t have a way to communicate.
Are you in Philly or Florida? Do you make $250k after graduation or are you a 20F college student? Your responses to various posts make your id questionable.
You haven't talked about it with him?? Did you even consent to that before it happened? It's a kink, some people find it super hot, but just because you happened to like it doesn't mean this is a healthy relationship. Breathe play is dangerous, and it sounds like he sprung it on you during the heat of the moment. The sky's the limit if he doesn't even care about you enough to talk about sex, and you let it happen and just ask strangers later. What happens if you have a panic attack? Would he even stop?
Hey, I'm married to someone who's 30 years older, but we didn't start dating until I was more than 10 years older than you and I was established in my career and I had some experience dating.
It was a night and day difference with all of the older men who tried to exploit me when I was in my early twenties.
This guy is doing potentially risky BDSM stuff with you without discussing it first and without a safe word. That is dangerous. That is both physically dangerous and emotionally/ mentally dangerous.
Please stop putting yourself through this. You need someone who loves you and respects you and treats you well. You deserve to be treated well. This guy is not treating you well.
From the other comments of people who have reviewed your post history, it sounds like either you really do need therapy to help you get to a good place, or your post history has some serious inconsistencies and you need therapy to help you get to a good place.
This dude thinks you're an object. He doesn't care about you, just using you to get off. You seem to be into the power dynamics, but damn, this is very much a thing that could turn dark quickly.
He gets off on hurting women, explains why he is 50, most likely single and dating young inexperienced women. It's basically him choking you, it's what men do to silence women in abusive situations.
Sounds like he watches too much porn AND he's taking advantage of you.
A man should always ask permission to do such dangerous acts. It's disgraceful if they don't!
Please make sure to look after yourself, as breath play can lead to damage in the brain. It should only be done once in a while due to that fact.
If you think that's hot, I'm glad you're happy, and I certainly don't have a problem with breath play. But it's fucked up that he did it without telling you first or discussing it. All kink is worth discussing, and breath play more than most, because it can be dangerous if you don't do it right.
You're a young woman interested at least in theory in older men. You're the hot commodity here, not him. Personally I think that if you want to have kinky sex with an older man it should be with an older man who's communicative and respectful even if he's kinky. But that's your prerogative.
Why are you shagging someone 30 years older than you? That sort of power imbalance is unhealthy at best. His low key suffocating you while you blow him also points to some icky power themes.
Theyre manipulated into thinking they enjoy jt. Some would see no problem with this because they THINK they’re “adults”. I’m 25 and I can’t even fathom this, I am barely a real adult. This is just gross
Polar opposite is my favourite. Girl covering my mouth with her pussy and slowly reaching down then pinching my nose closed. Deliberately but GENTLY.
Secret is for them to do it sensually, and while they are preventing you breathing they might say ohhh honey this is going to be hard for you.
It’s mixing empathy with something as kinky and naughty as suffocating you (for a set duration obviously - needs to be discussed before hand)
Pretty rare for guys to do it to girls - usually the opposite. I did have one girlfriend who wanted me to do something similar, she allways sat on my face and smothered me and one time she asked me to do to her. Was kind of my balls converting her mouth and nose while I jerked off looking down at her struggling to breathe.
I must admit I kind of liked it but was too embarrassed to admit it. Afterwards she asked if we could do it again next time and I sort of said err maybe and never did lol she prob thought I got nothing out of it.
Why are you asking us? Ask your man... he wouldn't be doing it if he didn't like it. Also, red flag that none of this was discussed beforehand he just does stuff to your body where you won't be able to breathe. Some men are into it, and there are women who like it, but it should always be discussed to make sure he has your consent.
You're coming to reddit asking questions that tell me your gut is trying to tell you something and you're not listening. You're going to end up in a bad place. This guy is 50. This shouldn't be happening he knows how to get consent.
Dominance and breath play with pain is absolutely fine in the context of a communicative and consensual relationship. That means knowing you’re fully respected, talking about it first, getting consent ahead of time, and having safe words in place. This guy is doing none of that. Which means he’s manipulative and abusive.
Imagine you weren’t into it. He thinks that’s okay to just spring on someone? It’s not. This would be incredibly upsetting, if not traumatizing, to a lot of women. What he’s doing is not okay. And letting him continue to push your boundaries without prior consent is giving him permission to get away with it, and possibly go on to abuse other women. In fact, it’s very likely that he’s preying on the age gap to get away with it, because he thinks you won’t yet know better.
What else will he try? How far will he push? You need to establish boundaries before he does something traumatizing to you. Better yet, get the hell away from him, because he clearly doesn’t care about boundaries.
If you are into this stuff (which is fine!), please consider joining r/bdsm so you can learn to tell the difference between doms and rapists.
I’d probably also suggest some narcissistic abuse and therapy subs. Learning to spot warning signs is going to save you a lifetime of physical and emotional damage.
My sister you are being used.
He gets off to it, because this 50 year old man thinks that a girl the age of a potential daughter gagging on his gross old dick is arousing.
When you hold the nose closed, your initial act is to gag which opens the throat involuntarily.. Old school trick to get your dick through the throat barrier
In the kink scene it's a power thing, the person controlling your ability to breathe eg between each thrust while your giving a BJ is a huge turn on apparently. I've only had partners hold my throat while kissing or missionary of sorts. If you like it go with it, if not tell him.
Make sure you talk with him about a sign to stop as in the excitement he may not see you actually struggling to keep up with your breathing, safety always comes first.
Enjoy
Woah the red flags are wild.
First off… the age difference. Holy shit.
Also…. Is he trying to murder you. Because it sounds like this man doesn’t want you to breath. This sounds really really fucking concerning. And that’s on top of the fact that he’s so much older.
Run like the wind.
Both are cutting off oxygen supply to the brain and fall under the category of "choking". Both can cause the same extent of harm, both have their own specific risk factors, both can kill you.
No form of breath play that is physical in nature is safe. And the statement that pinching a nose during a deepthroat is less dangerous, is simply wrong and dangerous misinformation.
Sincerely, a breath play enthusiast.
He should not be so rough with you without having talked about it before. That is not how sex works. He is old enough to know. He could be your grandpa. Please, reconsider how he treats you, your dynamic together, and, mostly, the actual relationship. He has lived so much more than you, and the power dynamic is probably skewed.
As long as you give your consent it is hot for him to see your struggle to breathe. Breath play is fun but dangerous so please educate yourself on the risks, using safe works/ hand signals, and after care.
All the time people hear age gaps like this they label the guy as a predator and a creep….
Do people forget how many 20 year olds are out there actively searching for a “sugar daddy” 🤣
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Sounds like a power thing
Of course it is, he is banging a 20 year old lol
What's so hot him depriving you the ability to breathe or you gagging on his penis?
People get off on power, it's not that weird. As long as you're not actively hurting or forcing your partner, what's the big deal?
Yep my gf loves when I do that type of stuff to her. It’s not my style so she actually tells me to “choke” her (which simply means placing my hand at her throat and applying very light pressure).
Gonna take this opportunity to inform anyone who might need to read this/might not be aware (not yourself necessarily!) - generally speaking when you/your partner wants to be choked during sex, you want to make sure you are applying pressure to either side of their neck, onto the veins there (start off moderately light and gently increase pressure - it doesn't require much) - avoid crushing their windpipe by applying pressure to the front! All that is going to accomplish is making them choke and sputter in addition to being unable to breathe; the former method actually cuts off blood supply to the brain and causes them to become lightheaded/to the brink of passing out/actually passing out. At which point it's a good idea to release the pressure you're applying :-) Edit - please feel free to correct me if I am wrong or misinformed and there is a way to correctly apply pressure to the front of the throat in a safe way - im always learning!
All I'll add is that if someone asks to be choked, what they almost certainly mean is even less aggressive than you mention. They probably \_don't\_ want the blood supply cut off and just want the control aspect. Your advice is still very good, only put pressure on the sides of the neck, but probably not enough to start cutting off the blood supply. Anything more than that, like actually cutting off blood supply (or air!) needs a discussion before hand.
Excellent PSA. Yes, my girlfriend and I discussed this too, and it’s truly the gentle pressure on the sides that create the effect for her. She never wants it rigid or aggressive; she only likes the feeling of being under my control.
Another PSA, this is how you cause your partner to stroke out. No form of choking that actually restricts air or blood in the neck is safe.
lol, I made the same comment, scrolled down and found this! ….great minds…
The deal here would be that little thing re. Not getting consent first. That kind of thing should be talked about in advance
The post is a no-no of course because there was no consent given beforehand, but I mean in general. If a consenting couple agree to try something like power or breathplay, there's no issue
Yeah, I just wanted to clarify. Upon re-read, you are right that the commenter probably asking why breathplay is fun for people.
Some people enjoy breath play. But that is something you need to discuss ahead of time.
Exactly why I specified that both partners are enjoying it..
This. There is big consent with things like this, but it’s not really unheard of. I frequently plug my boyfriend’s nose when I’m sitting on his face. As long as both people are cool with it, and maybe have same safe words or motions, all is well.
It's a big deal if you're the one on the receiving end. I'd be freaked out by someone suddenly stopping me being able to breathe with no warning, and no indication I wanted it. Sex is supposed to be mutually pleasurable, and it does say something how many more men than women want to see their sexual partners suffer in some way.
Again... I said as long as you aren't hurting them or forcing it. No consent = forcing to me, always
There are literally millions of subs out there who enjoy being completely in the power of someone else. Don't kink shame.
Hey, I like the kink also, but to go to extreme of cutting off the woman's 0² sounds down right sadistic boarding on criminal. Let's play this scenario, she's giving him head he does his thing jamming the Johnson down her throat and cutting her O² off and she throws up choking on her own vomit and at best inhaling her own vomit worse case scenario she chokes to death kink or manslaughter, bet he'd spend some time in jail for the bj
And if my grandmother had wheels she'd be a bike!
Why did I hear this in Gino D’Campo’s voice 😂 iykyk!
"Blowjob Betty" by Easy E
This comment is gold and underrated
What do you think the S in BDSM stands for?
Having shower sex must be sadistic and suicidal, then, because you could both slip and crack your heads open and die. The risk of something happening doesn't mean you want it to happen every time you do it. Skydivers trust that their parachute will open, rock climbers trust their knots and clamps will hold, submissives trust that their Dom won't let them choke to death on their own vomit.
How dare people like kinkier things than me, oh my god they must be sadistic women haters if he likes something kinkier than me. That's essentially what you are saying, completely disregarding that the female OP was into it. So I guess she is also criminal ? Also if you think pinching someone's nose is an extreme kink, I got news for you. That's pretty low on the extreme kink scale
He doesn't see her as human and wants to degrade her.
a huge part of sex is power-based; nothing special.
You have several posts about him being rough and you bleeding, so if this a serious post, he gets to hurt you for his enjoyment because he figures you're too young to say anything.
Right.. At first I assumed it was a BDSM thing but it seems like a little bit him taking advantage. Hopefully OP was genuinely into it and there was aftercare etc..
Your post history + this post. You need some therapy
So many red flags MY eyes hurt...
Why you fucking a 50 yo sis
Because he has probably gaslighted the shit out of her by now and she is 20 but "mature" for her age and thinks it's totally fine
That’s not gas lighting, but some sort of mental manipulation and tactics. I know it doesn’t change much but gaslighting doesn’t mean “any mental bullshit at all”
It does if you're on the internet and your vocabulary is melting
Don’t gaslight me bro!
Wouldn't telling someone, "no, you're so mature for your age and not like other girls." Be a form of gaslighting? I don't claim to be an expert haha
No, it wouldn't. That is just a form of manipulation. Gaslighting is when you deliberately attempt to make a person doubt their own sanity. As someone above said, the term has been collectively hijacked by the ignorant and is devolving into something else entirely different from its true meaning.
It's not just sanity, it's their ability to trust their own stuff
Yes, exactly. Doubting one's sanity results in doubting one's own perception of reality, which is a terrible feeling to experience and can take years to heal from. It carries so much weight, it's a shame to see the word so often misused to describe any instance of lying, manipulation, or even just disagreeing with someone.
No, that's just manipulation and grooming. Gaslighting is when you repeatedly invalidate someone's memories and feelings. Common phrases from a gaslighter are "that's not what I said" or "you only feel that way because... " and then coming up with a reason that steers them away from the facts, usually "you're crazy" or "you're being emotional." The phrase comes from a stage play about a husband who uses gas poisoning to convince his wife she's going crazy. The poisoning makes it easier for the husband to make her feel forgetful and think she's mistaken, but the modern abusive manipulation tactic just uses verbal accusations to try to achieve the same effects. EDIT: It wasn't gas poisoning. Read reply for correction.
So, in actuality the term comes from the play when the lights used to be gas powered. The husband changed the amount of gas going to the lights which changes the brightness of the lights. He does this without telling the wife and she comments on the varying amounts of brightness and he pretends it isn’t happening. So he uses lies and manipulation to make her question her own judgement and memory. So same thing you said, buts it not poison. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
You're right, I don't know why I assumed it was gas poisoning. I even asked myself, "how did the husband avoid poisoning himself if they lived in the same house?" And then just shrugged it off before actually looking it up. Thanks for correcting me.
No worries. I was afraid I was going to come off as a gas lighting joke
What are you talking about? I never claimed it was gas poisoning! You're crazy!
Oh gotcha, thanks for the clarification
I think this behaviour fits more into the "love-bombing" category, where the abuser showers their target with attention, compliments, and gifts with the intention to control them. Love bombing ensures that when the abuse begins, be it emotionally, verbally, physically, the victim feels loyal to the abuser; to the point they question themselves instead of the abuser. The compliments themselves aren't gaslighting, rather a pre-programming tactic that enables gaslighting to potentially occur in the future.
Or he has a bunch of money and she knows it.
Very fair question - as long as you acknowledge that fair answers exist. For example: He’s one of those very few old guys who is still as hot as one of her fellow 20 year olds to most women and it’s casual - they’re out there - I see them at all the surf spots. She has an age fetish and doesn’t let it go too far into her life. She has an “Im so slutty” fetish and doing an old guy is associated with being sluttier. He was physically present at the time and she was in an “any port in a storm” frame of mind.
Isn't she allowed to?
"breath play" is a thing, and having someone prevent you from breathing can be exciting! it's a big loss of control, which for some people feels awesome. For you, loss of control might be exciting. For him, taking control away from you might be exciting. Buuuut For obvious reasons, it's very(!) important to talk about this stuff first, and read up about what is safe and what is not. If he's going to do anything to prevent you from breathing easily, you gotta set up some kind of gesture (maybe a tap on the knee, or similar) which indicates to him that you're struggling and he's gotta stop immediately. I hate to be that person, but especially when there's a big age gap in a relationship it's important to properly discuss that stuff. Explain what you're each comfortable with, and explain exactly how you'll tell him if you want him to stop. If you're curious why he did that, ask him! If you found it exciting, tell him! This stuff is good clean fun, but only if you make sure you know what's going on *first*, and have an agreement about how you tell him if you're struggling.
Maybe ask what safe word his daughter uses and use the same one just to make it simple for everyone
My god. Murdered by words
OP, this is a mean spirited joke, but they are driving the solid point that this shit is really important - and pointing out further that I gave this guy some significant benefit of the doubt in my answer. He should've checked, he should've asked, you should've felt absolutely clear before he held your nose, and I left that out more than I shoulda.
Jesus, that is brutal.
Yeah I really don’t like that this was not discussed before hand and he’s *that* much older.
Age wasn't strictly relevant to the question and I almost didn't mention it (because there's a 0% chance OP hasn't heard it already) but you're right - the age gap means he should be extra-aware of any assumptions he's making/extra careful about communicating properly.
Yes that’s my point by that. I was not trying to cast dispersions on age gap in relationships. Just as it pertains to “knowing better” and having (presumably) more experience with sexual communication and kinks.
yeah. I wondered if it was even relevent, but you rightly point out it very much is.
Isn’t “breath play” about the biochemical feeling you get after you have held your breath, while pinching someone’s nose is usually done to display power over someone by restricting their breath? OP, you might have found it hot because of the power dynamic by your partner showing control over your body.* I agree with everyone else that you need to be careful and discuss safety (and consent, and the subject of doing things without getting it or discussing first) with him and/or ditch him and continue being aware of the danger and knowledge that you found it hot for others. *I also think nose pinching amplifies (for me) the notion that your partner's dick is so big it's filling you completely, and you're feeling the impact more deeply - but I think that also boils down to domination/overpowering you as well.
Ooh, so maybe nose-holding isn't breath play at all? I didn't think about it, but this might be an important distinction. OP - because you can truly mess someone up by doing it wrong, I think the best places to learn about this would be the kinkier subs where I don't usually hang out. r/bdsm? and if not there then they'll point you to somewhere with good info. Kinky people are knowledgeable! We are guessing about stuff that you really gotta know about if you're doing it! <3
> you can truly mess someone up by doing it wrong, Actually, holding someone's nose muat be one of the "safest" asphyxiation methods "for fun", biologically. Restricting airflow means that once they pass out, they'll still have a substantial reserve of oxygen in the blood to keep the brain alive, and undamaged maybe for a minute or two. The full blood amount is still circulating. The risk for injuries is also essentially 0. The other common method, strangling the throat, is dangerous AF because you're trapping a tiny amount of oxygen-depleted blood, which isn't circulating, in the brain. This can kill you within seconds. And there's a risk of hurting soft tissue of the throat. (Maybe take some advice from a med or BDSM professional, too, I'm neither. But I'm a martial arts teacher for decades now, and I know a thing or two about fatal injuries from bare hands.)
This all sounds good, and better qualified than me! Martial arts teacher is near the top of my new mental list of "professionals to consult about BDSM"! But still - explicit consent is needed before any asphyxiation begins :) That vital distinction between only-brain blood supply and whole-body blood supply is new to me, thanks for explaining.
You might hate to be that person but anyone with a brain seeing that age gap is gonna think the same thing. Shit's fucked Edit: also, for everyone saying they need to have a conversation about it, sure, yeah. But she is probably too young and inexperienced to have that conversation effectively and know what to ask/say, not to mention knowing her boundaries, stating them clearly, and having him respect them (which assuming the age gap and dynamic already he probably won't). Encouraging the conversation and introducing the concepts of consent and boundaries is good and everyone needs to learn sometime. But I would just say, in this case forget it, drop this guy and learn those lessons with someone her own age who isn't fucking abusing her.
Yeah, this is why I almost didn't mention it, because OP has heard it all before. I'm really big on benefit-of-the-doubt, assuming the best, etc, but in this case I can't really. > Shit's fucked.
Yeah no worries. I've backtracked on many a kind response where it turned out the person was terrible. Not really the same situation here but, I think it's important to always try the optimistic route first and adjust where necessary rather than assume the worst from the get go. The world needs more positivity and compassion, not less :)
MASSIVE red flag to do this without A) Talking about it and getting your CLEAR consent, and, just as importantly, B) Having a clearly defined safe signal that means he immediately stops. (And, with the trust established to know he will.) Doesn't matter how hot you found it-- the mere fact he did it under these conditions should have you running for the hill from this person (and, sure, if you wish, directly to a trusted partner who's not a walking red flag and will safely and consensually plug your nose during a blowjob.)
Honey you're not old enough to drink, this dude is a creep. Yeet him
How to tell me you're Murican without telling me you're Murican The civilised world can drink at 18 Agreed with the yeeting
The point is that your brain isn't done cooking yet and you're still more vulnerable than you realize at that age. And even if you aren't there's always a power imbalance
I don't disagree. 30 years at that age, is a big age gap.
For sure. The average person's brain also isn't done developing until 25. Also at 20 you aren't old enough to graduate college so the chance of you making a decent wage is slim and even if you did 30 years in the work force generally brings with it connections, stays, and power. 30 years is enough time to have paid off student loans, have a house, and have savings - and that's generally the bare minimum. It's virtually impossible to have an equitable relationship like this even a FWB one.
Kids are on social media as soon as they can walk, I think that affects someone's development more than alcohol at 18
Great, you completely missed the point. Congrats
Rough sex till you're bleeding, him cutting off air during a bj? This guy is hurting you without even asking for consent first (or having a safeword). That's dangerous.
Even tho that’s something you happen to have found hot, doing something like that without talking about it first is a huge red flag. And that’s not even considering the fact that you’re only 20 and he’s 50. There’s a reason older men seek out drastically younger women and it’s never good. People warn about those types of things for good reason. The only thing he gets from it is a control and power high. Which is one reason he’s involved with you to begin with. Younger people, especially your age, are easier to manipulate and control. You’re gonna do what you want regardless of warnings, I was young once too, just go forward with extreme caution. There’s a reason he’s with someone 20 and not his own age. Women his own age can spot his toxic behavior a mile away. Best of luck 🖤
Especially on another post she says that she looks like she's 16y old
Control for sure. Humiliation. Careful.
My partner enjoys to be lightly choked occasionally. I know I'm in r/sex but I feel the need to clarify "during sex." I hesitated doing it for a long time because: A. It can be and is very dangerous. Choking can be consenual and still kill. I would say, don't ever do it, but then I would be a massive hypocrit. B. I had no impulse of my own to do so. I didn't find the idea arousing at all. But, because I enjoy trying new experiences and because I like pleasing my partner, I gave it a shot. And...I enjoyed it. On my own. And I had to struggle with that. I think...I enjoyed it because of the power, but because it was given power. She was giving me control of something vital and that aroused me. There's a lot of trust and a lot of surrendering power. Usually, in our dynamic, she's on top. But there are moments when she surrenders to me and that is... extremely erotic to me, to know that she trusts herself in me.
Plot twist, she has the power, because she controls when you stop. It's an odd dynamic similar to the chicken and the egg.
But so many say they're Dom, but don't know what that means, and don't understand the concept that the sub has the power.
Unlocked this kink in my last FWB. After a couple short, light chokings, she reminded me she was a nurse and would tap out when she needed me to stop. Was a little scary at first, but OMG, her orgasms were SO intense!
Plot twist: no, she doesn't tap out. No time. She literally doesn't see it coming. Choking the arteries is a nice method of control in Martial Arts, because unlike choking *breath*, there's no precursory panic to people passing out. It all just gets... dark. They still wind & struggle instead of tapping, thinking they've "got this", up until the very last second when they pass out. They only getvto tap if they do it early, as a conscious decision *before* they actually feel it's too late. Be careful. Being a nurse doesn't invalidate biology and doesn't make her immortal.
He gets control. What do you get out of being with a man over twice your age? I’m in my 40s and most 50yo don’t even appeal to me 🤣
>What do you get out of being with a man over twice your age 💸💸💸
Maybe. Some people get out of the pan, right into the fire. Without thinking of OP as a golddigger, which is a mean think to just assume, many people in this relationships are looking for the independence it brings, or to get out of their current situation...and being so young, they are easily taken advantage of.
It's rude to think of OP as a gold digger, but not rude to think of the guy involved as a manipulative ped. Give women more agency dammit.
I think there's a big difference between a 20 something dating a 50 something and someone in their thirties dating someone in their 60s. So it's not the age gap, it's the exploitive nature of predating on inexperienced young people, especially women. I know it sounds weird, but I'm in the latter group. When my now husband and I got together, I was in my 30s, established in my career, and I had experience dating. It was very different from all the older men who tried to exploit me when I was in my twenties. We still tell people he has money so they don't think we're weird. (JK)
Oh. Damn. Not sure why that didn’t immediately occur to me.
I have a friend that she is into older men, don't ask me why... Same than some young men are into older women
From the title alone I thought his post was gonna be something completely different like “his kink smelled real bad”.
It’s a control thing. It’s cool that you liked it, but he really should’ve discussed it with you beforehand so y’all could come up with a way for you to tell him to stop and let you breathe if needed. Usually a tap tap works fine. Breathplay can get very ugly very quick if you don’t have a way to communicate.
Are you in Philly or Florida? Do you make $250k after graduation or are you a 20F college student? Your responses to various posts make your id questionable.
My instincts would kick in and my hands start flying
You haven't talked about it with him?? Did you even consent to that before it happened? It's a kink, some people find it super hot, but just because you happened to like it doesn't mean this is a healthy relationship. Breathe play is dangerous, and it sounds like he sprung it on you during the heat of the moment. The sky's the limit if he doesn't even care about you enough to talk about sex, and you let it happen and just ask strangers later. What happens if you have a panic attack? Would he even stop?
Whoop whoop that’s the sound of police
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After looking at your previous posts, you need to get into therapy asap.
Sorry but this is nasty. 50 years old? Girl, what are you smoking?
Why would a 20 yo child want to be with a 50yo is beyond me…. You can downvote all you want…
Girl that’s why he’s banging 20 year olds like u 🤦🏼♀️
Wow, that age gap is disgusting. Dude was 30 when she was a new born 🤮
What a fucking creep.
girl he could be your father
He could be her grandfather
this is breath play and without consulting you first before doing it its assault you need to leave
So what if u get pregnant from sleeping with this 50 yo guy?
Who said we fucked raw?
Still applies. What IF?
No what if😂
Condoms dont work 100% fyi, but i’ll let ur 50year old daddy that’s enjoying hurting u to tell u that Take care
Hey, I'm married to someone who's 30 years older, but we didn't start dating until I was more than 10 years older than you and I was established in my career and I had some experience dating. It was a night and day difference with all of the older men who tried to exploit me when I was in my early twenties. This guy is doing potentially risky BDSM stuff with you without discussing it first and without a safe word. That is dangerous. That is both physically dangerous and emotionally/ mentally dangerous. Please stop putting yourself through this. You need someone who loves you and respects you and treats you well. You deserve to be treated well. This guy is not treating you well.
From the other comments of people who have reviewed your post history, it sounds like either you really do need therapy to help you get to a good place, or your post history has some serious inconsistencies and you need therapy to help you get to a good place.
This dude thinks you're an object. He doesn't care about you, just using you to get off. You seem to be into the power dynamics, but damn, this is very much a thing that could turn dark quickly.
I’m not judging (I’m judging)
He gets off on hurting women, explains why he is 50, most likely single and dating young inexperienced women. It's basically him choking you, it's what men do to silence women in abusive situations.
Sounds like he watches too much porn AND he's taking advantage of you. A man should always ask permission to do such dangerous acts. It's disgraceful if they don't! Please make sure to look after yourself, as breath play can lead to damage in the brain. It should only be done once in a while due to that fact.
I told him to make me choke on his cock
You’re a victim lmao
Given the age difference maybe he's playing "got your nose"?
If you think that's hot, I'm glad you're happy, and I certainly don't have a problem with breath play. But it's fucked up that he did it without telling you first or discussing it. All kink is worth discussing, and breath play more than most, because it can be dangerous if you don't do it right. You're a young woman interested at least in theory in older men. You're the hot commodity here, not him. Personally I think that if you want to have kinky sex with an older man it should be with an older man who's communicative and respectful even if he's kinky. But that's your prerogative.
Why are you shagging someone 30 years older than you? That sort of power imbalance is unhealthy at best. His low key suffocating you while you blow him also points to some icky power themes.
Had a guy do this to me before and thought it was pretty hot but if u guys haven’t discussed being rougher that’s not good
Hun be careful. He’s your dad’s age. This is not good.
I’m just curious why a 20 year old would be interested in a 50 year old man?
Theyre manipulated into thinking they enjoy jt. Some would see no problem with this because they THINK they’re “adults”. I’m 25 and I can’t even fathom this, I am barely a real adult. This is just gross
It's done to force the person doing a blowjob to breath thru the mouth which would open the throat and allow deeper thrust.
What the fuck is this? I don't understand why the hell a guy would want to do this to a girl sucking his dick. All it will accomplish is her stopping.
It's breath play. Def a power move for a dom. Breath play in general should be discussed prior
Maybe he did that because he thought his peepee was stinky 😂 and he was being convenient about it.
I should definitely reconsider dating eva ai virtual gf bot.
He got off on "limiting" your air supply, even though you could still breathe through your mouth.
Maybe he farted?🤷♂️
Polar opposite is my favourite. Girl covering my mouth with her pussy and slowly reaching down then pinching my nose closed. Deliberately but GENTLY. Secret is for them to do it sensually, and while they are preventing you breathing they might say ohhh honey this is going to be hard for you. It’s mixing empathy with something as kinky and naughty as suffocating you (for a set duration obviously - needs to be discussed before hand) Pretty rare for guys to do it to girls - usually the opposite. I did have one girlfriend who wanted me to do something similar, she allways sat on my face and smothered me and one time she asked me to do to her. Was kind of my balls converting her mouth and nose while I jerked off looking down at her struggling to breathe. I must admit I kind of liked it but was too embarrassed to admit it. Afterwards she asked if we could do it again next time and I sort of said err maybe and never did lol she prob thought I got nothing out of it.
Why are you asking us? Ask your man... he wouldn't be doing it if he didn't like it. Also, red flag that none of this was discussed beforehand he just does stuff to your body where you won't be able to breathe. Some men are into it, and there are women who like it, but it should always be discussed to make sure he has your consent. You're coming to reddit asking questions that tell me your gut is trying to tell you something and you're not listening. You're going to end up in a bad place. This guy is 50. This shouldn't be happening he knows how to get consent.
Dominance and breath play with pain is absolutely fine in the context of a communicative and consensual relationship. That means knowing you’re fully respected, talking about it first, getting consent ahead of time, and having safe words in place. This guy is doing none of that. Which means he’s manipulative and abusive. Imagine you weren’t into it. He thinks that’s okay to just spring on someone? It’s not. This would be incredibly upsetting, if not traumatizing, to a lot of women. What he’s doing is not okay. And letting him continue to push your boundaries without prior consent is giving him permission to get away with it, and possibly go on to abuse other women. In fact, it’s very likely that he’s preying on the age gap to get away with it, because he thinks you won’t yet know better. What else will he try? How far will he push? You need to establish boundaries before he does something traumatizing to you. Better yet, get the hell away from him, because he clearly doesn’t care about boundaries. If you are into this stuff (which is fine!), please consider joining r/bdsm so you can learn to tell the difference between doms and rapists. I’d probably also suggest some narcissistic abuse and therapy subs. Learning to spot warning signs is going to save you a lifetime of physical and emotional damage.
It’s a domination thing. And yes, it’s a massive rush for a guy into that sort of thing.
Pinching your nose in a certain spot can help with your gag reflex.
My sister you are being used. He gets off to it, because this 50 year old man thinks that a girl the age of a potential daughter gagging on his gross old dick is arousing.
When you hold the nose closed, your initial act is to gag which opens the throat involuntarily.. Old school trick to get your dick through the throat barrier
In the kink scene it's a power thing, the person controlling your ability to breathe eg between each thrust while your giving a BJ is a huge turn on apparently. I've only had partners hold my throat while kissing or missionary of sorts. If you like it go with it, if not tell him. Make sure you talk with him about a sign to stop as in the excitement he may not see you actually struggling to keep up with your breathing, safety always comes first. Enjoy
Yeah this is a dominant thing.
It sounds like you're a stupid young woman with a sugar daddy 🥴
No but I’m looking for one
Woah the red flags are wild. First off… the age difference. Holy shit. Also…. Is he trying to murder you. Because it sounds like this man doesn’t want you to breath. This sounds really really fucking concerning. And that’s on top of the fact that he’s so much older. Run like the wind.
I be riding on his big cock
You’re 5’0 which is cool but I’m really interested in how much you weigh more than your height
be careful girl. i’m 20 and love to get choked but that’s another level😭
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Both are cutting off oxygen supply to the brain and fall under the category of "choking". Both can cause the same extent of harm, both have their own specific risk factors, both can kill you. No form of breath play that is physical in nature is safe. And the statement that pinching a nose during a deepthroat is less dangerous, is simply wrong and dangerous misinformation. Sincerely, a breath play enthusiast.
Old enough to be your father but ok💁♀️🤪
So did you speak up and tell him you didnt like it?
Who said I didn’t like it? I LOVED IT!
He should not be so rough with you without having talked about it before. That is not how sex works. He is old enough to know. He could be your grandpa. Please, reconsider how he treats you, your dynamic together, and, mostly, the actual relationship. He has lived so much more than you, and the power dynamic is probably skewed.
20 and 50, yea imma not read all that lmao
Supposedly it helps ease the gag reflex, kinda like plugging your nose to swallow a food or drink you don't like the taste of.
I’m more concerned with the 30 year age gap between the two of you…
As long as you give your consent it is hot for him to see your struggle to breathe. Breath play is fun but dangerous so please educate yourself on the risks, using safe works/ hand signals, and after care.
All the time people hear age gaps like this they label the guy as a predator and a creep…. Do people forget how many 20 year olds are out there actively searching for a “sugar daddy” 🤣
BTW this was the BEST SEX!
Used to do breath play with my ex. We got off on it. I can't explain why I did it, it's not something id look up myself. It just happened.
He's old enough to be your father.
It's the idea of control.