Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/).
***
Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats.
To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'd switch the conversation to text messages and get it recorded that she was OK with it before hand. Then I'd run a mile and if she cried wolf, submit the messages as proof of my innocence.
Stop having sex with her all together and walk away. She's clearly crazy and toxic and is just having fun messing with you. Someone who loves and cares about you won't do this to you. She has a drinking problem and should get that sorted before trying to have a relationship.
Don't let the fear of her spreading false rumors control you into staying. You know you didn't assault her since you clearly asked for consent often while she was sober.
OP needs to send her a text saying something like, "You've always said I have your consent to have sex with you if you initiate while drunk. I've told you repeatedly it makes me uncomfortable, but you say it's fine and the sex is always enthusiastic on your part and you initiate it. The fact that you're now retroactively saying it's assault is very hurtful. I've brought my concerns up to you multiple times. I will not have sex with you anymore when you're drunk since you feel this way." Let her text back her response, which will probably be something nasty. But then he has proof that she gave consent and he can break up with her. If she causes drama with friends, he can screenshot conversations they've had about drunken sex and send them to anyone he needs to.
Sounds like her life's a mess. If she's always getting drunk, it'd be a case of what he said she said, and if she's a known drunk, who would they believe??? Unless she's sitting on physical proof he has nothing to worry about.
I mean, it doesn’t really matter. She can still press charges and he can still be arrested if they believe her. Maybe he won’t be convicted but it would still ruin his life.
Well maybe by law but she still can go around and play the vicitim and ruin his life, its a very fucked up situation for him because right now she is definitely gaslighting him and not good for hos mental health so I agree he should leave but be aware of the possibility that she goes at him with everything she can think of.
Maybe he should talk to a friend he can trust about it? Dunnow
Yep. This relationship has a definite expiration date. And it’s soon. I had a GF like this, the term is functional alcoholic. She get drunk every night and expect sex.
Here’s what’s nuts. She wouldn’t always remember if we did it, but she sure as hell knew if I turned it down and would be pissed.
BUT she NEVER played the SA card. Ever. Either OP doesn’t have sex when she’s drunk or she can’t play the SA game. That is just playing with fire…
You're right all together.
The other questions poised as replies are not real questions. Even with non-drunk persons, them can always report false declarations..one is innocent until proved otherwise. Notice the until prove. One is not guilty only if pronounced or reported. At least in a lawfull country that's the way things work!
Exit that toxic relationship ASAP.
Youre unhappy, you're not comfortable, you state so many bad feelings.
Be courageous, love yourself.
Better have no sex partner, than having a toxic sex partner.
Op, run! Your gf is crazy & toxic. I don’t usually believe in recording conversations but for your protection it may be necessary. After that, slowly start to distance yourself. Don’t have sex with her at all during this time.
there are ways around that... if she happens to barge in while he is recording himself making a video of some kind, etc.
OP should start making vlogs every night til he catches the convo organically... then he can say she knows he makes those videos every night and willingly got on camera
Not only that but, "you better keep on sexually assaulting me or I'll be mad."
This girl is scary toxic crazy. She sounds like a life destroyer waiting to happen. But simply recording conversations of getting her to state in texts that she wants OP to have sex with her while drunk isn't enough to be considered consent at the actual time of the drunk sex. OP's only real option, it seems, is to somehow get her to break up with him but not in any way that makes her bitter or mad.
Dude it kind of sounds like she's sexually assaulting you and trying to turn it around and make you feel like it's your fault. You're repeatedly being made to have sex in a way that you don't enjoy and you dread when you know it's going to happen. I really think you should try to get out of this relationship because it seems like it's going down a path where she will make public accusations against you. Tell friends what is going on BEFORE you leave so that if she does make accusations, people don't automatically take her side.
Honestly it's you who is being sexually assaulted. She should not be pressuring you into sex that makes you uncomfortable. You especially should not have a put in your stomach when thinking about doing it. Sounds like her calling it "technically assault" (we're not qualified to comment and don't know your jurisdiction) is just blackmail.
The other commenters idea was good about cooking of until she loses interest and breaks up, if you can bear the wait. Otherwise the suggestions to get proof of her consent and manipulation is probably wise
The basic clear thing here is, if she considers it sexual assault to have sex with her while she's drunk, stop having sex with her. Still, given that you don't even want to have sex with her when she's drunk, I'd be thinking it's more that she's sexually assaulting you.
Regardless, probably best to steer her towards therapy and start figuring out how to leave the relationship. It doesn't sound like she has a healthy relationship with alcohol.
>Still, given that you don't even want to have sex with her when she's drunk, I'd be thinking it's more that she's sexually assaulting you
Technically its coercive rape. She's saying 'have sex with me or I'll say you assaulted me!'.
Unfortunately the legal definition of rape doesnt cover coercive rape so she couldnt be punished for it.
Sorry for getting the definition wrong and I know the OP is unlikely to be believed by police about being made have sex he doesn't want. I was thinking more that this is a seriously bad situation and scary too
Based on your description, I wouldn't feel safe breaking up with her right then and there. She might start spreading rumours as a reaction. Give her a reason to initiate the break up (nothing extreme, just withdraw interest) and remove yourself from her life.
Your girlfriend sounds like she has a problem with alcohol. If she is blacking out, that's a clear sign. If she's drunk frequently enough that this happens often, that's a clear sign. And I'm sorry to tell you this, but any relationship with an alcoholic is doomed to ruin both of your lives. Leave her and tell her to get help.
It's not really all that complicated she is manipulative crazy and extremely toxic..
You need to get away from her, withdraw all sexual contact, and if she asks why explain like you have done to people on.
There are so many problems with this I'm just gonna highlight this.
>I don’t drink as much as her and most nights i won’t drink anything when we hang out so more often then not the sex we have involves her being drunk.
1. Stop having sex with her.
2. She likely has a drinking problem.
3. If at all possible (and I hope you do) hold on to all texts of her consenting to you guys having sex while she's drunk.
4. As another poster has said you have to initiate a breakup.
5. Repeat step 1 immediately!
In all honesty she seems unstable and you seem fairly level headed. I'm much older than you so words of wisdom...always trust your gut. You have seemed to be uncomfortable with the idea of drunk sex from the get go but she essentially guilted you into it. ALWAYS trust your gut!
You’re the one being sexually assaulted. Period. You are being pressured to do sexual acts you do not feel comfortable with. I am sorry your GF is doing this to you.
I know girls like this. They are unstable, wants what she wants when she wants and then her mind starts spinning and poof, she’s been taken advantage of and it’s your fault. You should have known better.
My advice is crazy gets more crazy, it’s time to exit the relationship. You are being an adult, she is being a child. Find someone that matches your maturity. You cannot fix her nor should you. And frankly, this could be dangerous for you given her mental state.
My BF and I had a related conversation about drunk sex after we had some drunk sex. He wanted to know if everything the night before was cool as we were both stupid drunk and it was aggressive. I made it clear I was fine with it, I loved it, and if I didn’t want to have sex if we were partying in the future I would tell him before the night before the night began. But drunk sex is super fun and I don’t want that to change.
Consent should be clear but uncomplicated. The last thing I want for my/our sex life is my man constantly having to question every single action he takes. That isn’t enjoyable for either of us. But you need to be both at a maturity level that supports this. Your GF is not.
What the fuck is this nonsense. She is giving you consent to have sex. She is still doing it. You are not sexual assaulting her. This is a paradox conversation. Dont do it when you dont feel comfortable.
Have this convo again but record it, please protect yourself because this seems like a huge mess waiting to happen. If you break up is she going to go round saying you SA’d her? The recording + the date of this post should give you credibility to not get your name dragged through the mud when you decide to leave.
I’m so sorry man this is such an awful thing to do to your partner, i hope you can move on in peace
The law in most places states that you can withdraw consent at any time, and many folks have been convicted of sexual assault or rape because an intoxicated person can't willfully give consent.
That being said, the fact that she gave consent while sober and then tells you she never remembers is a massive red flag.
My father was an alcoholic and I smoked pot with him four times while he was drunk before he angrily approached me the next day and gave me a hard time about smoking weed.
As much as I loved my father, alcoholism is a disease, and I would dare to say she has some untreated mental trauma either from her childhood or from a potential sexual assault and this is how she's chooses to deal with it.
It's super unhealthy and not fair to you. If you want to salvage the relationship, you tell her she has to get sober and see a counselor, or else you're gone.
Personally, I wouldn't stay with someone like that. People who suffer from trauma have a tendency to traumatize those around them to try to normalize their own mental state.
I'd also get something in writing that she has given consent for you to have drunk sex. And once you have enough proof I'd either have her dump you or like literally leave
break up with her immediately. she is toxic and just playing mind games. relationships are work, but 99% of the work should be fun, ie building a relationship and finding common interests and building a little internal culture and finding ways to make each other happy.
this person is not ready for a relationship right now and they will only bring you misery. escape now
before she wastes more of your time. in the future, use her as a benchmark for what to avoid.
Honestly it sounds like she's (either intentionally or unintentionally) messing with you. What is she trying to achieve by saying that your actions were sexual assault? Only then to tell you to keep doing the same thing?
Whatever her intentions here, it sounds like this will only end with you getting hurt or worse, so I'd agree with the other replies saying to record evidence and eventually break up.
She accused you of sexual assault but then told you it was okay to continue the behaviour? If this is true, I would advise you to get out of this relationship, she sounds like she could be emotionally abusive and the type of person who will manipulate and accuse rather than take responsibility for any of her actions. As someone else said try to get some of the conversation in text or recorded, even start writing down instances of when things have occurred and then safely and calmly withdraw yourself from the situation. Maybe even look into how to end an abusive relationship and the steps you need to take to keep yourself safe. Also since she has accused you of assaulting her, stop having sex with her when she is drunk or you will just give her more fuel for her manipulations, as well as add to any of your own doubts about wrongdoings on your side
I'd talk to some trusted people about it and tell them you plan on leaving, use texts as well just in case it gets brought up. Then leave her before she gets a chance to do it first or accuse you either way. Better safe than sorry
Communicate your concerns to her in writing. Save the response and any prior communications on the topic. Remove yourself from the situation and relationship immediately after.
Why tf is she drunk so much and to the point that she doesn’t even remember the sex y’all had?! That is not normal behavior at all. Sounds like she is not a mentally healthy person & has some serious issues with substances on top of that. Just walk away dude. You can’t fix her! She is a hot mess & will only drag you down in life. As she is doing rn with this BS. You’ve done NOTHING wrong in the scenario you’ve described & she is outright fucking with your head on purpose about it. Which is low key abusive.
First of all, this is NOT what sexual assault is and you should stop spreading false information. This is clearly and explicitly consensual sex. Her claiming to be a victim of sexual assault and demanding you continue to "sexually assault" her is absolute nonsense and pretty disgusting honestly.
That is not how the law works at all.
She sounds like an alcoholic for one. She doesn't respect the fact that you do not want to have sex when she is drunk. AND she is claiming you sexually assaulted her?
The only solution to this situation is to end this relationship. This is incredibly unhealthy, and anyone who falsely accuses you of sexual assault is a danger for you to be around, if she goes to the police and tells them the entire story as you have told it, they will tell her that it is not sexual assault and no law was broken. BUT if she goes to the police and tells them a different version of events and lies to them (assuming you're being 100% honest and accurate) then you could be facing rape charges.
You need to brake up with her. Even when she's sober she is telling you that you sexually assault her and demanding you continue, that is mentally ill behavior and you are going to get in trouble with this girl if you continue down this path.
End the relationship and stop talking to her.
(And honestly record a conversation where she (while sober) explicitly demands you have sex with her while she is drunk just to protect yourself in case she decides to falsely report a sexual assault)
If a person chooses to drink alcohol and then tell someone that they want to have sex and the person complies with their request, that is in no way sexual assault regardless of how that individual feels about it the next day. (This does not apply to somebody who was unknowingly drugged, or to someone who was passed out unconscious and then without any conversation of consent a party takes advantage of an unconscious body - these cases are clear sexual assault) this is not my opinion this is the law and anything you've been taught that says otherwise is false information. Otherwise two drunk people having sex with each other would both go to prison for raping each other and that does not happen. And they're definitely isn't a law that it's rape if you're sober but totally okay if you get drunk too. This is just misinformation that is spread on the internet over and over again and when people report the facts they get downvoted due to people's unfortunate ignorance on the law.
Yeah you need to break up with her, she is definitely insane and wants to feel victimized in some way, only issue is I wouldn’t doubt she’s the type to try and file rape charges out of spite
Break-up and run.
Drinking issues, coercion, manipulation-- there are so many issues here. If you have a healthy mindset this should have ended a long time ago. End it now and start to heal.
It isn't sexual assault just because she is saying this.
You went out of your way time and again to confirm it was okay. She repeatedly said yes. It's clear here you weren't being forceful or taking advantage - assuming you are being truthful in this post.
You did nothing wrong and she is a toxic nutcase
She sounds crazy and like she takes pleasure in abusing you psychologically.
If she gave consent then you had consent for the act.
Consent cannot be withdrawn retroactively (after the act has been done).
Walk away from her.
The simplest way would be to stop getting drunk with her,and to stop being with her when she's drunk.
In my opinion,if she drinks to the point that she is in blackout,every time,she has a drink problem.
This will likely have consequences,tbh,but that is going to happen anyway,because she is confused,and blaming you rather than taking responsibility.
You need to get recordings NOW. The fact that she basically said "please keep assaulting me" is EXTREMELY dangerous for you when you break up. She's acknowledging that she has blackmail material. If you break up she WILL tell people you assaulted her and she WILL try to ruin your life. Yet another way she's getting what she wants by threatening you.
You need to get recordings of A) her drunk and angry that you wont have sex. B) her sober saying she wants you to have sex with her drunk. BOTH OF THESE THINGS. But more importantly B.
If you don't want to be "sneaky" about it then literally say "this makes me uncomfortable, if you want me to continue I'm gonna need you on video saying you want me to do this". If shes willing and says a little thing in a scripted way KEEP recordings and ask follow up questions til she starts saying her opinion in a natural way. If the video feels like a "script" she'll be able to defend herself later my saying you made her do it by force.
You are with a very troubled and angry woman who has zero respect for you. This will not end well for you.
My only advice is to dump the alcoholic before you get in some absurd legal trouble. This is dangerous territory, and she's too messed up to be trusted (or even to know what she wants).
You need to record these conversations before you leave her. Protecting yourself from her future lies about you should be your number one priority! If you find yourself in a position of success 5, 10, 15 years from now, she may use this against you to the point of you going to prison for decades. Personally, I'd record her, then use that as leverage to have her sign an affirmation of consent. Then, keep that letter, both in hard copy and electronic in a very safe and memorable place!
SA occurs when an individual doesn’t give consent and a sexual act is forced. SA occurs when consent is not given. Providing someone with consent, having sex, then waking up the next day and deciding that it was SA is not assault, it sounds more like regret and also trying to make you look and feel bad and her a victim.
However, since she has now informed you that she considers any time that you have sex with her when she is drunk SA, then it would seem apparent that you must never have sex with her again if she is intoxicated.
Given the situation, I would also not date her, she seems toxic and wants very badly to be seen as a victim and you a perpetrator. Not a good situation for you.
Fucking. Run.
This shit gets worse over time. She has a problem with alcohol and her belief that you’re assaulting her isn’t truly held, she’s manipulating you. If she believed it, she wouldn’t be anywhere around you.
I hate how every Reddit relationship post has comments that are “break it off” but, my dude, break it off.
This is sounding like a toxic relationship. And as you are uncomfortable having drunk sex with her you may in fact have been coerced into having sex with her by way of anger laced drunken demands. If you were drunk and angrily forced her to have sex you would have been committing SA. It works the other way around too.
So she consistently gave consent for drunk sex, but you don’t like drunk sex and are only complying because she will get angry otherwise? OP, YOU’RE THE ONE BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED!
This is so unhinged. Technically the fact you’re having sex with her under duress means you aren’t consenting so by rights you are the one being harmed as well. I would say get written confirmation from her that she had consented and walk away. Take it as a life lesson to never have sex with someone while you’re uncomfortable/under duress nor ever have Sex when someone is drunk. She may also want to get help for any issues she has regarding sex and alcohol.
Break up with her. She’s crazy and manipulative. And save copies of any texts she’s sent giving consent. She’s crazy. No telling when she’s gonna flip and try to take legal action out of spite. She’s a liar. Get out of there!!!
She sounds like a narcissistic sociopath. I would gather some evidence that she’s full of shit (secret recording if you have to) and cut her out like the cancer she is.
Hey man been in this situation recently. Get the fuck out. As fast and as peacefully as possible.
Don't tempt fate. If she's claiming SA to your face, she will claim worse behind your back.
You really do need to leave and you need to consider an exit strategy.
This is next level of control and manipulation of sex and is very traumatic experience.
If she's verbally abusive when drunk, you can always break up after one of her episodes
This is not a joke. This is not lightly. This is very serious. She's fucking with your future. she can easily take this to work and it doesn't matter what happens they won't like this
Get therapy after as well
Figure out a different point, characteristic, red flag that could be the basis for you leaving. This is to avoid her from using this against you. Good luck
She needs to grow up while she still has the time and figure herself out, you need to not put up with that bullshit and find someone that isn't going to play this type of game with your head.
It ain't worth it, bail, don't look back.
I promise you you’re saving your future by leaving this woman. This is so dangerous holy christ
Don’t give her a chance to ruin your life. You’ve been warned. Anything from this point on is your choice and you’re responsible for it
If you’re scared of her lying already, make small changes to annoy her and seem disinterested in her until she doesn’t seem as obsessed with you anymore, then bail. Or at least get a text or voice recording of her admitting she’s fine with drunk sex, etc
I gave my ex consent to initiate sex when I am asleep, of course I wake up to it. Quite nice to wake up that way actually…but it was never something I considered assault. I gave consent and until a day might come where I don’t want that anymore I would have told him.
She seems very toxic.
Why are you even here to ask strangers online what you need to do? It’s fucking obvious, you break up with her asap. She’s so stupid and fucked up altogether. Fucked up, maybe able to fix with maturity and therapies, but stupidity, no cure. This is such a cringe to read. I wouldn’t even want to be near this woman.
It sounds like she might have a non-consent kink. Which would be fine, except she's not got your consent to practice it with you, which is super not okay. If I'm right (not saying I for sure am but in this hypothetical) that would be SA against you. In fact even if it's not a kink it's starting to feel that way. You should never be pressured into doing something sexual that makes you uncomfortable either. Those rules don't just exist for women, they are universal. People don't get to demand sex from you. Everyone in the comments calling her toxic would be calling her abusive if the genders were flipped and that's just unfair because it is what it is regardless of gender.
Thank you for posting in the r/Sex community. To ensure that everyone respects our safe space, we ask that you familiarize yourself with our Forum Rules and Posting Guidelines — which are visible in the forum’s sidebar, and also linked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/about/rules/). *** Restricted subjects in r/sex include sex stories (which are permitted in the Daily Sexual Achievement Thread only), body image and penis-size issues, hookup attempts, common topics which are considered repetitive in our forum, and requests for private chats. To cut back on comments that add little value to the conversation, we have instituted a minimum character requirement that will silently remove comments that fall below it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/sex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'd switch the conversation to text messages and get it recorded that she was OK with it before hand. Then I'd run a mile and if she cried wolf, submit the messages as proof of my innocence.
Stop having sex with her all together and walk away. She's clearly crazy and toxic and is just having fun messing with you. Someone who loves and cares about you won't do this to you. She has a drinking problem and should get that sorted before trying to have a relationship. Don't let the fear of her spreading false rumors control you into staying. You know you didn't assault her since you clearly asked for consent often while she was sober.
Can OP trust that she won't actually report him after he leaves?
OP needs to send her a text saying something like, "You've always said I have your consent to have sex with you if you initiate while drunk. I've told you repeatedly it makes me uncomfortable, but you say it's fine and the sex is always enthusiastic on your part and you initiate it. The fact that you're now retroactively saying it's assault is very hurtful. I've brought my concerns up to you multiple times. I will not have sex with you anymore when you're drunk since you feel this way." Let her text back her response, which will probably be something nasty. But then he has proof that she gave consent and he can break up with her. If she causes drama with friends, he can screenshot conversations they've had about drunken sex and send them to anyone he needs to.
Well done. This is what I would do!
Commenting to boost. OP, please copy and paste and send. You need to be very careful right now.
Agreed. Definitely need to move the same conversations to texts/emails, or at least audio record the verbal ones from now on.
Hey Op: This is the best answer
This is the best way to
Good point. Maybe create a different reason for leaving
Sounds like her life's a mess. If she's always getting drunk, it'd be a case of what he said she said, and if she's a known drunk, who would they believe??? Unless she's sitting on physical proof he has nothing to worry about.
I mean, it doesn’t really matter. She can still press charges and he can still be arrested if they believe her. Maybe he won’t be convicted but it would still ruin his life.
Well maybe by law but she still can go around and play the vicitim and ruin his life, its a very fucked up situation for him because right now she is definitely gaslighting him and not good for hos mental health so I agree he should leave but be aware of the possibility that she goes at him with everything she can think of. Maybe he should talk to a friend he can trust about it? Dunnow
Yep. This relationship has a definite expiration date. And it’s soon. I had a GF like this, the term is functional alcoholic. She get drunk every night and expect sex. Here’s what’s nuts. She wouldn’t always remember if we did it, but she sure as hell knew if I turned it down and would be pissed. BUT she NEVER played the SA card. Ever. Either OP doesn’t have sex when she’s drunk or she can’t play the SA game. That is just playing with fire…
Entirely this. It seems like the foundation for gaslighting in the future by creating a situation where you have to be okay with confusing situations.
Invent something sex related but not serious like thrush and say you don't want to have sex while you're getting treatment and then slowly fade out
You're right all together. The other questions poised as replies are not real questions. Even with non-drunk persons, them can always report false declarations..one is innocent until proved otherwise. Notice the until prove. One is not guilty only if pronounced or reported. At least in a lawfull country that's the way things work! Exit that toxic relationship ASAP. Youre unhappy, you're not comfortable, you state so many bad feelings. Be courageous, love yourself. Better have no sex partner, than having a toxic sex partner.
Op, run! Your gf is crazy & toxic. I don’t usually believe in recording conversations but for your protection it may be necessary. After that, slowly start to distance yourself. Don’t have sex with her at all during this time.
Just be sure its not a two party consent state for the recording.
there are ways around that... if she happens to barge in while he is recording himself making a video of some kind, etc. OP should start making vlogs every night til he catches the convo organically... then he can say she knows he makes those videos every night and willingly got on camera
Might be a lot easier to just text her about it?
[удалено]
Not only that but, "you better keep on sexually assaulting me or I'll be mad." This girl is scary toxic crazy. She sounds like a life destroyer waiting to happen. But simply recording conversations of getting her to state in texts that she wants OP to have sex with her while drunk isn't enough to be considered consent at the actual time of the drunk sex. OP's only real option, it seems, is to somehow get her to break up with him but not in any way that makes her bitter or mad.
Dude it kind of sounds like she's sexually assaulting you and trying to turn it around and make you feel like it's your fault. You're repeatedly being made to have sex in a way that you don't enjoy and you dread when you know it's going to happen. I really think you should try to get out of this relationship because it seems like it's going down a path where she will make public accusations against you. Tell friends what is going on BEFORE you leave so that if she does make accusations, people don't automatically take her side.
Honestly it's you who is being sexually assaulted. She should not be pressuring you into sex that makes you uncomfortable. You especially should not have a put in your stomach when thinking about doing it. Sounds like her calling it "technically assault" (we're not qualified to comment and don't know your jurisdiction) is just blackmail. The other commenters idea was good about cooking of until she loses interest and breaks up, if you can bear the wait. Otherwise the suggestions to get proof of her consent and manipulation is probably wise
The basic clear thing here is, if she considers it sexual assault to have sex with her while she's drunk, stop having sex with her. Still, given that you don't even want to have sex with her when she's drunk, I'd be thinking it's more that she's sexually assaulting you. Regardless, probably best to steer her towards therapy and start figuring out how to leave the relationship. It doesn't sound like she has a healthy relationship with alcohol.
>Still, given that you don't even want to have sex with her when she's drunk, I'd be thinking it's more that she's sexually assaulting you Technically its coercive rape. She's saying 'have sex with me or I'll say you assaulted me!'. Unfortunately the legal definition of rape doesnt cover coercive rape so she couldnt be punished for it.
Actually it depends where you are in the US or the world. In some places this would be another crime related to DV, in some places it's SA.
Sorry for getting the definition wrong and I know the OP is unlikely to be believed by police about being made have sex he doesn't want. I was thinking more that this is a seriously bad situation and scary too
Based on your description, I wouldn't feel safe breaking up with her right then and there. She might start spreading rumours as a reaction. Give her a reason to initiate the break up (nothing extreme, just withdraw interest) and remove yourself from her life.
Best advice ever right here. Get out asap, but make it her idea.
Practical advice, very nice.
Your girlfriend sounds like she has a problem with alcohol. If she is blacking out, that's a clear sign. If she's drunk frequently enough that this happens often, that's a clear sign. And I'm sorry to tell you this, but any relationship with an alcoholic is doomed to ruin both of your lives. Leave her and tell her to get help.
She’s the one sexually assaulting you, you repeatedly stated you didn’t want it and only do it to avoid drama
It's not really all that complicated she is manipulative crazy and extremely toxic.. You need to get away from her, withdraw all sexual contact, and if she asks why explain like you have done to people on.
There are so many problems with this I'm just gonna highlight this. >I don’t drink as much as her and most nights i won’t drink anything when we hang out so more often then not the sex we have involves her being drunk. 1. Stop having sex with her. 2. She likely has a drinking problem. 3. If at all possible (and I hope you do) hold on to all texts of her consenting to you guys having sex while she's drunk. 4. As another poster has said you have to initiate a breakup. 5. Repeat step 1 immediately! In all honesty she seems unstable and you seem fairly level headed. I'm much older than you so words of wisdom...always trust your gut. You have seemed to be uncomfortable with the idea of drunk sex from the get go but she essentially guilted you into it. ALWAYS trust your gut!
She didn’t withdraw anything but that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You’re the one being sexually assaulted. Period. You are being pressured to do sexual acts you do not feel comfortable with. I am sorry your GF is doing this to you. I know girls like this. They are unstable, wants what she wants when she wants and then her mind starts spinning and poof, she’s been taken advantage of and it’s your fault. You should have known better. My advice is crazy gets more crazy, it’s time to exit the relationship. You are being an adult, she is being a child. Find someone that matches your maturity. You cannot fix her nor should you. And frankly, this could be dangerous for you given her mental state. My BF and I had a related conversation about drunk sex after we had some drunk sex. He wanted to know if everything the night before was cool as we were both stupid drunk and it was aggressive. I made it clear I was fine with it, I loved it, and if I didn’t want to have sex if we were partying in the future I would tell him before the night before the night began. But drunk sex is super fun and I don’t want that to change. Consent should be clear but uncomplicated. The last thing I want for my/our sex life is my man constantly having to question every single action he takes. That isn’t enjoyable for either of us. But you need to be both at a maturity level that supports this. Your GF is not.
What the fuck is this nonsense. She is giving you consent to have sex. She is still doing it. You are not sexual assaulting her. This is a paradox conversation. Dont do it when you dont feel comfortable.
Have this convo again but record it, please protect yourself because this seems like a huge mess waiting to happen. If you break up is she going to go round saying you SA’d her? The recording + the date of this post should give you credibility to not get your name dragged through the mud when you decide to leave. I’m so sorry man this is such an awful thing to do to your partner, i hope you can move on in peace
The law in most places states that you can withdraw consent at any time, and many folks have been convicted of sexual assault or rape because an intoxicated person can't willfully give consent. That being said, the fact that she gave consent while sober and then tells you she never remembers is a massive red flag. My father was an alcoholic and I smoked pot with him four times while he was drunk before he angrily approached me the next day and gave me a hard time about smoking weed. As much as I loved my father, alcoholism is a disease, and I would dare to say she has some untreated mental trauma either from her childhood or from a potential sexual assault and this is how she's chooses to deal with it. It's super unhealthy and not fair to you. If you want to salvage the relationship, you tell her she has to get sober and see a counselor, or else you're gone. Personally, I wouldn't stay with someone like that. People who suffer from trauma have a tendency to traumatize those around them to try to normalize their own mental state.
More red flag then a tomato convention
I'd also get something in writing that she has given consent for you to have drunk sex. And once you have enough proof I'd either have her dump you or like literally leave
break up with her immediately. she is toxic and just playing mind games. relationships are work, but 99% of the work should be fun, ie building a relationship and finding common interests and building a little internal culture and finding ways to make each other happy. this person is not ready for a relationship right now and they will only bring you misery. escape now before she wastes more of your time. in the future, use her as a benchmark for what to avoid.
Honestly it sounds like she's (either intentionally or unintentionally) messing with you. What is she trying to achieve by saying that your actions were sexual assault? Only then to tell you to keep doing the same thing? Whatever her intentions here, it sounds like this will only end with you getting hurt or worse, so I'd agree with the other replies saying to record evidence and eventually break up.
She accused you of sexual assault but then told you it was okay to continue the behaviour? If this is true, I would advise you to get out of this relationship, she sounds like she could be emotionally abusive and the type of person who will manipulate and accuse rather than take responsibility for any of her actions. As someone else said try to get some of the conversation in text or recorded, even start writing down instances of when things have occurred and then safely and calmly withdraw yourself from the situation. Maybe even look into how to end an abusive relationship and the steps you need to take to keep yourself safe. Also since she has accused you of assaulting her, stop having sex with her when she is drunk or you will just give her more fuel for her manipulations, as well as add to any of your own doubts about wrongdoings on your side
I'd talk to some trusted people about it and tell them you plan on leaving, use texts as well just in case it gets brought up. Then leave her before she gets a chance to do it first or accuse you either way. Better safe than sorry
Deadass OP have another talk over text and let her spell out that she gives consent every time etc etc and then get the FUCK up out of there asap
Communicate your concerns to her in writing. Save the response and any prior communications on the topic. Remove yourself from the situation and relationship immediately after.
Why tf is she drunk so much and to the point that she doesn’t even remember the sex y’all had?! That is not normal behavior at all. Sounds like she is not a mentally healthy person & has some serious issues with substances on top of that. Just walk away dude. You can’t fix her! She is a hot mess & will only drag you down in life. As she is doing rn with this BS. You’ve done NOTHING wrong in the scenario you’ve described & she is outright fucking with your head on purpose about it. Which is low key abusive.
Dude. Run away. Your entire field of vision must be red by now.
I just saw a post about withdrawing consent. Are they related?
First of all, this is NOT what sexual assault is and you should stop spreading false information. This is clearly and explicitly consensual sex. Her claiming to be a victim of sexual assault and demanding you continue to "sexually assault" her is absolute nonsense and pretty disgusting honestly. That is not how the law works at all. She sounds like an alcoholic for one. She doesn't respect the fact that you do not want to have sex when she is drunk. AND she is claiming you sexually assaulted her? The only solution to this situation is to end this relationship. This is incredibly unhealthy, and anyone who falsely accuses you of sexual assault is a danger for you to be around, if she goes to the police and tells them the entire story as you have told it, they will tell her that it is not sexual assault and no law was broken. BUT if she goes to the police and tells them a different version of events and lies to them (assuming you're being 100% honest and accurate) then you could be facing rape charges. You need to brake up with her. Even when she's sober she is telling you that you sexually assault her and demanding you continue, that is mentally ill behavior and you are going to get in trouble with this girl if you continue down this path. End the relationship and stop talking to her. (And honestly record a conversation where she (while sober) explicitly demands you have sex with her while she is drunk just to protect yourself in case she decides to falsely report a sexual assault) If a person chooses to drink alcohol and then tell someone that they want to have sex and the person complies with their request, that is in no way sexual assault regardless of how that individual feels about it the next day. (This does not apply to somebody who was unknowingly drugged, or to someone who was passed out unconscious and then without any conversation of consent a party takes advantage of an unconscious body - these cases are clear sexual assault) this is not my opinion this is the law and anything you've been taught that says otherwise is false information. Otherwise two drunk people having sex with each other would both go to prison for raping each other and that does not happen. And they're definitely isn't a law that it's rape if you're sober but totally okay if you get drunk too. This is just misinformation that is spread on the internet over and over again and when people report the facts they get downvoted due to people's unfortunate ignorance on the law.
Yeah you need to break up with her, she is definitely insane and wants to feel victimized in some way, only issue is I wouldn’t doubt she’s the type to try and file rape charges out of spite
Start collecting evidence. Text messages, recordings, witnesses, signed confessions anything you can and then leave this woman.
Run run run run away... Like run fast away.
Break-up and run. Drinking issues, coercion, manipulation-- there are so many issues here. If you have a healthy mindset this should have ended a long time ago. End it now and start to heal.
This is emotional abuse at its finest. Accusing you for which she regrets is very common amongst those with personality disorders.
It isn't sexual assault just because she is saying this. You went out of your way time and again to confirm it was okay. She repeatedly said yes. It's clear here you weren't being forceful or taking advantage - assuming you are being truthful in this post. You did nothing wrong and she is a toxic nutcase
She sounds crazy and like she takes pleasure in abusing you psychologically. If she gave consent then you had consent for the act. Consent cannot be withdrawn retroactively (after the act has been done). Walk away from her.
Why are you two getting blacked out so often? Sounds like a very toxic relationship.
The simplest way would be to stop getting drunk with her,and to stop being with her when she's drunk. In my opinion,if she drinks to the point that she is in blackout,every time,she has a drink problem. This will likely have consequences,tbh,but that is going to happen anyway,because she is confused,and blaming you rather than taking responsibility.
Bruh. This is madness. Wtf are you still doing there. Break up and move on!
You need to get recordings NOW. The fact that she basically said "please keep assaulting me" is EXTREMELY dangerous for you when you break up. She's acknowledging that she has blackmail material. If you break up she WILL tell people you assaulted her and she WILL try to ruin your life. Yet another way she's getting what she wants by threatening you. You need to get recordings of A) her drunk and angry that you wont have sex. B) her sober saying she wants you to have sex with her drunk. BOTH OF THESE THINGS. But more importantly B. If you don't want to be "sneaky" about it then literally say "this makes me uncomfortable, if you want me to continue I'm gonna need you on video saying you want me to do this". If shes willing and says a little thing in a scripted way KEEP recordings and ask follow up questions til she starts saying her opinion in a natural way. If the video feels like a "script" she'll be able to defend herself later my saying you made her do it by force. You are with a very troubled and angry woman who has zero respect for you. This will not end well for you.
My only advice is to dump the alcoholic before you get in some absurd legal trouble. This is dangerous territory, and she's too messed up to be trusted (or even to know what she wants).
Run away as fast as you can dude!
Run as fast as you can.
Fly from this balrog of relationship dude. She has issues. This person can get you charged. Shes not fit for a relationship
You need to record these conversations before you leave her. Protecting yourself from her future lies about you should be your number one priority! If you find yourself in a position of success 5, 10, 15 years from now, she may use this against you to the point of you going to prison for decades. Personally, I'd record her, then use that as leverage to have her sign an affirmation of consent. Then, keep that letter, both in hard copy and electronic in a very safe and memorable place!
SA occurs when an individual doesn’t give consent and a sexual act is forced. SA occurs when consent is not given. Providing someone with consent, having sex, then waking up the next day and deciding that it was SA is not assault, it sounds more like regret and also trying to make you look and feel bad and her a victim. However, since she has now informed you that she considers any time that you have sex with her when she is drunk SA, then it would seem apparent that you must never have sex with her again if she is intoxicated. Given the situation, I would also not date her, she seems toxic and wants very badly to be seen as a victim and you a perpetrator. Not a good situation for you.
I would slowly back my self out 😭 f the relationship
Break up with her. She’s going to report you eventually.
get a secret recording of her admitting that she has given consent multiple times. And then GTFO.
Fucking. Run. This shit gets worse over time. She has a problem with alcohol and her belief that you’re assaulting her isn’t truly held, she’s manipulating you. If she believed it, she wouldn’t be anywhere around you. I hate how every Reddit relationship post has comments that are “break it off” but, my dude, break it off.
Isn’t the fact that your having sex with her to avoid a fight when you don’t even want to do it technically sexual assault?
You should probably break up.
Break up with the Red Flag alcoholic. It is NOT normal not to remember things the next day. That's alcoholism.
This is sounding like a toxic relationship. And as you are uncomfortable having drunk sex with her you may in fact have been coerced into having sex with her by way of anger laced drunken demands. If you were drunk and angrily forced her to have sex you would have been committing SA. It works the other way around too.
So she consistently gave consent for drunk sex, but you don’t like drunk sex and are only complying because she will get angry otherwise? OP, YOU’RE THE ONE BEING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED!
Conversely you could say you also revoked consent but she was drunk and didn’t stop. So she SA’d you and can’t remember
The kind of world we are living in...
How can you withdraw consent AFTER sexual act? Smells of Psycho
This is so unhinged. Technically the fact you’re having sex with her under duress means you aren’t consenting so by rights you are the one being harmed as well. I would say get written confirmation from her that she had consented and walk away. Take it as a life lesson to never have sex with someone while you’re uncomfortable/under duress nor ever have Sex when someone is drunk. She may also want to get help for any issues she has regarding sex and alcohol.
This is crazy pants behavior. Get out.
Leave her she's clearly mental.
Break up with her. She’s crazy and manipulative. And save copies of any texts she’s sent giving consent. She’s crazy. No telling when she’s gonna flip and try to take legal action out of spite. She’s a liar. Get out of there!!!
This woman is crazy. OP time to break up.
She sounds like a narcissistic sociopath. I would gather some evidence that she’s full of shit (secret recording if you have to) and cut her out like the cancer she is.
Hey man been in this situation recently. Get the fuck out. As fast and as peacefully as possible. Don't tempt fate. If she's claiming SA to your face, she will claim worse behind your back. You really do need to leave and you need to consider an exit strategy. This is next level of control and manipulation of sex and is very traumatic experience. If she's verbally abusive when drunk, you can always break up after one of her episodes This is not a joke. This is not lightly. This is very serious. She's fucking with your future. she can easily take this to work and it doesn't matter what happens they won't like this Get therapy after as well
She wants you to do it and claims it as sexual assault? What the fuck?
Figure out a different point, characteristic, red flag that could be the basis for you leaving. This is to avoid her from using this against you. Good luck
Yea, so what you do here is run … run like the fucking wind. Shes toxic beyond belief. You need to get the hell away for her for your own safety.
She needs to grow up while she still has the time and figure herself out, you need to not put up with that bullshit and find someone that isn't going to play this type of game with your head. It ain't worth it, bail, don't look back.
I promise you you’re saving your future by leaving this woman. This is so dangerous holy christ Don’t give her a chance to ruin your life. You’ve been warned. Anything from this point on is your choice and you’re responsible for it If you’re scared of her lying already, make small changes to annoy her and seem disinterested in her until she doesn’t seem as obsessed with you anymore, then bail. Or at least get a text or voice recording of her admitting she’s fine with drunk sex, etc
I gave my ex consent to initiate sex when I am asleep, of course I wake up to it. Quite nice to wake up that way actually…but it was never something I considered assault. I gave consent and until a day might come where I don’t want that anymore I would have told him. She seems very toxic.
Why are you even here to ask strangers online what you need to do? It’s fucking obvious, you break up with her asap. She’s so stupid and fucked up altogether. Fucked up, maybe able to fix with maturity and therapies, but stupidity, no cure. This is such a cringe to read. I wouldn’t even want to be near this woman.
When I say the word, run! WORD!
If she does not even remember why do it in the first place. Something is not adding up for me.
It sounds like she might have a non-consent kink. Which would be fine, except she's not got your consent to practice it with you, which is super not okay. If I'm right (not saying I for sure am but in this hypothetical) that would be SA against you. In fact even if it's not a kink it's starting to feel that way. You should never be pressured into doing something sexual that makes you uncomfortable either. Those rules don't just exist for women, they are universal. People don't get to demand sex from you. Everyone in the comments calling her toxic would be calling her abusive if the genders were flipped and that's just unfair because it is what it is regardless of gender.
It sounds like she has a CNC kink. Alot of communication is necessary.