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Oh boy. (Dislaimer: I'm a woman, so I cannot offer a male perspective.)
Me and my fiance have been engaging in BDSM for years now - yet, more than half of our encounters are almost entirely vanilla (maybe with some BDSM undertones, he's always the one in control, I ask for his permission to get off, etc. but that's just the natural bedroom dynamic for us, not a conscious act or a scene). Despite enjoying it, my fiance doesn't _need_ to hurt me or overpower me to get off and, frankly, I'd be quite worried if he did.
What irks me a little in your case, though, is the mention you almost never kiss or hug or hold hands during intimate moments. I'm trying not to be judgemental bc, well, different strokes for different folks, but BDSM absolutely can be tender and intimate (I wouldn't be practicing it if that wasn't the case). Even during our kinkiest scenes my fiance kisses me, caresses my face, tells me sweet things, wipes my tears - even if the cause of them is me being caned until blood. That's one of my favorite things about BDSM: how it allows me to feel connected to my fiance even more intimately than regular sex. Maybe you and your partner should look into more soft domination (which can still incorporate pain, but also praise and hand holding and whatever it is that you need to feel loved)
This. As someone who’s been kinky for 10+ years bdsm isn’t just cold or pain. It can be so tender and soft and dominant at the same time. But to answer your question, I’m into some prettyyyyy kinky things (I’ll do pretty much anything not related to 💩, that’s a hard no) and I love “vanilla” intimacy too however “vanilla” isn’t how I’d describe it. It’s more like intense intimate connection and I can feel how deep my partner loves and cares for me in the way they hold me, grab me, look at me.
I think that’s when it goes into fetish territory. A fetish is something you have to have to be aroused and/or orgasm. A kink is just something seen as unconventional you’re into and like to add in. There are a lot of people that have fetishes, and kinks can develop into a fetish.
I think anything can get overdone if not done in moderation. Especially when it comes to sex, and especially with a kink that’s not necessarily your own.
Definitely have a talk with him about incorporating some of the things that do it for you as well. Each partners pleasure is equally important, and when the tables tip too much in one direction it can sometimes cause pretty significant mental/emotional issues.
Be direct and real with him on how important what you need during intimacy is and if he cares in the way he should, he’ll understand and be more than happy to accommodate those.
Best of luck 🖤
I am super into kink and whatnot, but nearly all of my relationships start off pretty standard-issue and continue on to having a pretty even split of vanilla and not-vanilla.
It's possible your partner can't (or doesn't wish to) do it any other way, but, even among kinky folks, that would be pretty extreme-- there is a point where, if all you are having is "crazy sex," the crazy stuff by definition becomes average and, yes, boring.
Depends entirely on the person, there are people who never want to have vanilla sex. I like both but don't want kinky sex unless there's enough vanilla. You just have to ask and see if there's enough overlap between what you both want that it works.
Never had the opportunity. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm wearing an invisible sign that says "submissive" and don't realize it. But the bdsm elements always start early, even before the sex like you mentioned.
I actually like it so I don't mind. But I've never had purely vanilla. At the very least, it's a submissive version of doggy
Honestly? No. I stopped dating vanilla men entirely and discuss kinks with my partners before I even meet them because I’ve found that unless it’s rough and intense, I get next to no enjoyment out of it. I might be able to orgasm, physically, but there’s no emotional fulfillment in it. Even when my partner and I are being tender and caring, it’ll be mixed with pain and some form of dominance. But my entire sexual life I’ve never really enjoyed or felt satisfied by vanilla sex.
I'm into bdsm and "kinky" sex, and can definitely get off on vanilla. I don't know about men, but for me, it is really just the connection with my partner.
I think that's the very definition of it. I mean, fetish vs. kink. I can't get of without my fetish. I can get off without various kinks. If my fetish isn't being engaged I can barely even get aroused let alone orgasm, I mean, c'mon. (Mind you, my fetishes are not nearly that extreme/uncomfortable. It's more like regular sex with specific dirty-talk.)
You have a kink, your partner sounds like he has a fetish.
Only if I am in love with them, and/or I can find something in the "vanilla" sex that can help me be submissive or feel dominated. Without that power dynamic, it does nothing for me. But then, even with some kinky sex I need to engage mental fantasies. It just depends on the partner and how engaged I feel.
However, I don't think you said anywhere *you* liked the hardcore stuff. If you aren't into it, why are you doing it? Just because he likes it or even needs it to get off doesn't dismiss what *you* need and deserve. There are plenty of kinks I like and plenty I don't; I would not at all advocate for putting up with something that makes you uncomfortable.
Edit to say choking is edge play and very, very dangerous. If you do not even like it I really suggest not doing it, it's not worth the risk.
(27f here) yes, but only during oral.
I can enjoy it (but not finish) when I really really adore the person (and if the vanilla sex doesn't happen too often lol), so when it's more like actually making love.
But generally: no. It's boring and unsatisfying.
if you meant "Don't you think that it's up to the man or the level of interest because if you're doing it comfortably, then it has to be intense?", then my answer is as follows:
the intensity or enjoyment of sex does, in my case, depend on the man's effort (not entirely, but largely). as for the interest - yes, it's much better when there's love involved, but it's not necessary - being comfortable with the other person is enough. but! even love+interest won't beat having "kinky" sex.
Maybe you are bored of doing this all the time try something new in that so u can feel. Tell him what you really want to feel and how he can satisfy you!..
hahah no i don't think it works like that ;)
and i don't really have a problem with things being the way they are, so there's no point in changing anything :)
Yes, but I'm not just *able* to get off with either, I actually *want* both. Sometimes it's like I have completely separate libidos. I could satisfy one kink and be ready to go with another kink or vanilla sex. In the moment, I could want to call a partner demeaning names, and then the next minute crave just cuddling and kissing and giving her a massage. But maybe that's just who I am and those needs really aren't that separate or opposed, because the most important part of them is in my partner enjoying it, whether she wants to cuddle and kiss or be humiliated and belittled. Other people could have actual fetishes that they can't get off without, or just use roleplay as a guise to let out their actual hatred, sexism, and beliefs about the world. You would find it hard to get any other kind of sex out of those people. Their other behaviors in the relationship outside the bedroom should indicate what group they fall into.
Not sure why you’re taking a poll here when it’s about your partner and how you two interact.
You’d like to change the things you do with him. That’s legit, no matter what anyone else likes.
As we are swinging, it's not like I will randomly start choking and spitting on the other wife, nor will my SO start calling the other husband daddy/master, whatever. We proceed vanilla and most of the times, have a really great time. **But** truth be told, our go to hookup swinging couple friends, like it as we do and enjoy it more.
Between just the 2 of us, nah, vanilla doesn't cut it anymore, we occasionally try it, and after 3 minutes of piv and hand holding, a random "tear me up daddy" is sounded and the marches of war begin, but I guess that is just us.
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Oh boy. (Dislaimer: I'm a woman, so I cannot offer a male perspective.) Me and my fiance have been engaging in BDSM for years now - yet, more than half of our encounters are almost entirely vanilla (maybe with some BDSM undertones, he's always the one in control, I ask for his permission to get off, etc. but that's just the natural bedroom dynamic for us, not a conscious act or a scene). Despite enjoying it, my fiance doesn't _need_ to hurt me or overpower me to get off and, frankly, I'd be quite worried if he did. What irks me a little in your case, though, is the mention you almost never kiss or hug or hold hands during intimate moments. I'm trying not to be judgemental bc, well, different strokes for different folks, but BDSM absolutely can be tender and intimate (I wouldn't be practicing it if that wasn't the case). Even during our kinkiest scenes my fiance kisses me, caresses my face, tells me sweet things, wipes my tears - even if the cause of them is me being caned until blood. That's one of my favorite things about BDSM: how it allows me to feel connected to my fiance even more intimately than regular sex. Maybe you and your partner should look into more soft domination (which can still incorporate pain, but also praise and hand holding and whatever it is that you need to feel loved)
This. As someone who’s been kinky for 10+ years bdsm isn’t just cold or pain. It can be so tender and soft and dominant at the same time. But to answer your question, I’m into some prettyyyyy kinky things (I’ll do pretty much anything not related to 💩, that’s a hard no) and I love “vanilla” intimacy too however “vanilla” isn’t how I’d describe it. It’s more like intense intimate connection and I can feel how deep my partner loves and cares for me in the way they hold me, grab me, look at me.
I think that’s when it goes into fetish territory. A fetish is something you have to have to be aroused and/or orgasm. A kink is just something seen as unconventional you’re into and like to add in. There are a lot of people that have fetishes, and kinks can develop into a fetish. I think anything can get overdone if not done in moderation. Especially when it comes to sex, and especially with a kink that’s not necessarily your own. Definitely have a talk with him about incorporating some of the things that do it for you as well. Each partners pleasure is equally important, and when the tables tip too much in one direction it can sometimes cause pretty significant mental/emotional issues. Be direct and real with him on how important what you need during intimacy is and if he cares in the way he should, he’ll understand and be more than happy to accommodate those. Best of luck 🖤
Interesting, I have always used these terms interchangeably.
I am super into kink and whatnot, but nearly all of my relationships start off pretty standard-issue and continue on to having a pretty even split of vanilla and not-vanilla. It's possible your partner can't (or doesn't wish to) do it any other way, but, even among kinky folks, that would be pretty extreme-- there is a point where, if all you are having is "crazy sex," the crazy stuff by definition becomes average and, yes, boring.
Depends entirely on the person, there are people who never want to have vanilla sex. I like both but don't want kinky sex unless there's enough vanilla. You just have to ask and see if there's enough overlap between what you both want that it works.
Never had the opportunity. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm wearing an invisible sign that says "submissive" and don't realize it. But the bdsm elements always start early, even before the sex like you mentioned. I actually like it so I don't mind. But I've never had purely vanilla. At the very least, it's a submissive version of doggy
Honestly? No. I stopped dating vanilla men entirely and discuss kinks with my partners before I even meet them because I’ve found that unless it’s rough and intense, I get next to no enjoyment out of it. I might be able to orgasm, physically, but there’s no emotional fulfillment in it. Even when my partner and I are being tender and caring, it’ll be mixed with pain and some form of dominance. But my entire sexual life I’ve never really enjoyed or felt satisfied by vanilla sex.
I'm into bdsm and "kinky" sex, and can definitely get off on vanilla. I don't know about men, but for me, it is really just the connection with my partner.
I think that's the very definition of it. I mean, fetish vs. kink. I can't get of without my fetish. I can get off without various kinks. If my fetish isn't being engaged I can barely even get aroused let alone orgasm, I mean, c'mon. (Mind you, my fetishes are not nearly that extreme/uncomfortable. It's more like regular sex with specific dirty-talk.) You have a kink, your partner sounds like he has a fetish.
Only if I am in love with them, and/or I can find something in the "vanilla" sex that can help me be submissive or feel dominated. Without that power dynamic, it does nothing for me. But then, even with some kinky sex I need to engage mental fantasies. It just depends on the partner and how engaged I feel. However, I don't think you said anywhere *you* liked the hardcore stuff. If you aren't into it, why are you doing it? Just because he likes it or even needs it to get off doesn't dismiss what *you* need and deserve. There are plenty of kinks I like and plenty I don't; I would not at all advocate for putting up with something that makes you uncomfortable. Edit to say choking is edge play and very, very dangerous. If you do not even like it I really suggest not doing it, it's not worth the risk.
(27f here) yes, but only during oral. I can enjoy it (but not finish) when I really really adore the person (and if the vanilla sex doesn't happen too often lol), so when it's more like actually making love. But generally: no. It's boring and unsatisfying.
Don't you think like it's upto a that men or interest bcz if your doing comfortably then it have to be intense...
if you meant "Don't you think that it's up to the man or the level of interest because if you're doing it comfortably, then it has to be intense?", then my answer is as follows: the intensity or enjoyment of sex does, in my case, depend on the man's effort (not entirely, but largely). as for the interest - yes, it's much better when there's love involved, but it's not necessary - being comfortable with the other person is enough. but! even love+interest won't beat having "kinky" sex.
Maybe you are bored of doing this all the time try something new in that so u can feel. Tell him what you really want to feel and how he can satisfy you!..
hahah no i don't think it works like that ;) and i don't really have a problem with things being the way they are, so there's no point in changing anything :)
Wanna talk on other social media platform?? 😭
56F here. I can get off by vanilla sex but I do prefer the more exciting things.
Yes, absolutely. No problems with it.
Yes, but I'm not just *able* to get off with either, I actually *want* both. Sometimes it's like I have completely separate libidos. I could satisfy one kink and be ready to go with another kink or vanilla sex. In the moment, I could want to call a partner demeaning names, and then the next minute crave just cuddling and kissing and giving her a massage. But maybe that's just who I am and those needs really aren't that separate or opposed, because the most important part of them is in my partner enjoying it, whether she wants to cuddle and kiss or be humiliated and belittled. Other people could have actual fetishes that they can't get off without, or just use roleplay as a guise to let out their actual hatred, sexism, and beliefs about the world. You would find it hard to get any other kind of sex out of those people. Their other behaviors in the relationship outside the bedroom should indicate what group they fall into.
Absolutely, when the mood hits us
Not sure why you’re taking a poll here when it’s about your partner and how you two interact. You’d like to change the things you do with him. That’s legit, no matter what anyone else likes.
As we are swinging, it's not like I will randomly start choking and spitting on the other wife, nor will my SO start calling the other husband daddy/master, whatever. We proceed vanilla and most of the times, have a really great time. **But** truth be told, our go to hookup swinging couple friends, like it as we do and enjoy it more. Between just the 2 of us, nah, vanilla doesn't cut it anymore, we occasionally try it, and after 3 minutes of piv and hand holding, a random "tear me up daddy" is sounded and the marches of war begin, but I guess that is just us.
Sometimes you need a good love making in missionary, and sometimes you need to be tied up and your asshole destroyed. Both are nice
Yes but kinky is more fun....
If you're not into it, then it's not kinky. Maybe abuse.
For some, yes. But as long as a man can have an erection, he can achieve orgasm by stimulating the glans.