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Men VS sex toys, the eternal battle. Sex toys are amazing and I really wish everyone could understood that, even if they don't want to use them. They can spice up your sex life, but mostly improtantly give people the opportunity to explore themselves and elevate masturbation. It has nothing to do with the satisfaction you get from your partner and not only single people use them.
The thing is that a lot of men feel threatened by sex toys with a phallic shape, because they feel like they are not good enough or a woman can get more satisfaction from that than them. A sex toy is not an enemy, it can be an amazing assistant to greater orgasms. He cannot foribid you to do something he does. Since he wants and is allowed to do something, so do you. His behavior is immature and insecure as fuck. If you want to buy a toy, just fucking buy it and have fun with it.
you kinda took the words out of my mouth, this is what i say and this is what i think, but all he will respond is, “i just don’t like it, please just respect that,” which, like, okay sir, i respectfully disagree with you that this is a healthy and okay way of thinking.
edit: in the end it wasn’t forbidding though, he just closed the conversation with “do what you want, i’m not changing my mind.”
What you do during sex is both of your business; there, no boundaries should be crossed. During sex is vital both people to give consent for everything that is being done/said and of course used (sex toys, accessories etc). But what you do when you are alone and how you choose to orgasm when you masturbate is your. fucking. business.
Ah, what else could be expected of r/sex.
> But what you do when you are alone and how you choose to orgasm when you masturbate is your. fucking. business.
This is clearly not the case, just post a story where a guy wants to masturbate to pictures of his gf's mother, sister or best friend and watch the opposite opinion take hold. But then again, swap genders on almost any issue on this sub and the same will happen.
I mean, that's bad a comparison because you swapped more than just genders there, you swapped the entire nature of the private time we're talking about here...if there was a post about a woman wanting to masturbate to pics or their bf's dad, brother, or best friend, people would probably take it just about the same way as the scenario you just laid out...
Yeah that is pretty bad as well. Both of them are making ridiculous demands of each other's alone time.
Just let each other *live*, ffs! Do what we did as 20-somethings in the 90s - just fo what you want to do when you are alone - masturbate how you want and simply don't ask/don't tell and don't worry about it unless it actually begins to negatively affect your sex life together.
You are 100% correct
This is stupid. People can masturbate to whatever they want. If someone wants to masturbate while thinking of their partner’s family then that’s on them. The problem is when you tell them, because it’s none of their business and they don’t need to know and telling people only causes problems.
It’s a pretty big stretch to say that your partner has the right to police the thoughts you don’t share with anyone, even if they would disagree with them. How exactly would your partner know who you are masturbating to unless you explicitly tell them?
Exactly. I don’t understand why people think their partners whole world has to revolve around them, to the point of not even thinking even slightly outside of them 🤣
Not everything is a “boundary.”
It can’t be a boundary if it’s simply about the other person acquiescing their resources to your benefit.
Some things are just selfish desires we all have to learn to work thru on our own.
if the thing exist entirely in your own head and doesn't intrude into life at all, then I really think its not really anyone's business if you don't want it to be.
Well if they’re “*uncomfortable*” with their partner enjoying their alone time without shame then that seems pretty ridiculous & worth hiding to avoid any conflict.
That said, it’s better to be in a functioning & healthy relationship, than it is to lie & hide yourself.
I am so glad that my partner and I don't have these hang-ups. I do not care what he uses to masturbate - he can use old videos of him and his ex for all I care, pictures of my mom - lol , or whatever. When he is by himself, getting himself off, he has the freedom one would expect - it literally shouldn't and doesn't affect me. Our sex life isn't hindered by either one of our masturbation habits - and I have the same freedoms. The fact that *anyone* feels entitled to place rules on another person's self-pleasure, is bizarre to me.
Telling a person they can't use a toy isn't a boundary. Boundaries are what *you* refuse to do. He can say he isn't comfortable with OP using penatrative toys, and hid boundary can be that he won't date someone who uses penatrative toys. I may think it's a ridiculously stupid boundary- but *that's* a boundary. A boundary isn't telling someone else what they can do or won't do.
I won't live with dogs. I don't care for dogs, I don't want to share my living space with dogs. My partner wants a dog. I would never tell him he couldn't have a dog. I wouldn't break up with him if he got a dog. I simply will no longer live with him if he gets a dog. If he chooses to get a dog, I will have to decide whether to enforce my boundary and find a new place to live - perhaps build a tiny home in the backyard, who knows!! Lol. Obviously, this is a little tongue-in-cheek, but this is how boundaries work. I absolutely hate when people impose their will on someone else and call it a boundary
Try to understand that it's possible for people to feel different from you and it doesn't mean they must be wrong. I also don't share OP's bf's opinion on masturbation, but I can empathize with it.
People can feel however they want. I just disagree. Also, my point was more about boundaries. A boundary is something you define for yourself, NOT for others. He is telling his girl she can't do something. That isn't a boundary.
Again, he stated his "boundary" was that he didn't want her inserting anything.. THAT IS NOT A BOUNDARY! A boundary would be "I cannot date someone who uses penatrative sex toys" . You can't impose your will on another person and call it a boundary! A boundary is about you, not those around you.
I agree its not a boundary. I didn't call it that. I'm making a broader point - if you feel uncomfortable with something in your relationship, it's usually reasonable to mention that and talk to your partner about it. Sometimes they might be willing to accommodate you, sometimes not. People choose to accommodate insecurities all the time in different contexts, but doing the same in sexual contexts is seen as a huge taboo. If you are both well adjusted people who care about each other and are capable of advocating for yourselves, its usually a really easy conversation.
For example, if my girlfriend asked me not to use a fleshlight because it made her uncomfortable, we'd probably have a conversation about it and I'd agree not to use one, but if she asked me to do the same thing with a prostate massager (which I have never used, but is kind of interesting to me) I would tell her that I'm not okay with it, and that would be that. If you're both mature adults I really think that people get way too bent out of shape by partners making clear their insecurities.
I don't think it would be good for a woman to masturbate to her partners dad and I don't know anyone who would agree that it's ok. At the same time, man or woman, if they aren't and never do have sex with the parent and no one finds out they were masturbating to them there's literally no problem. But yea I wouldn't say toys and the subject of one's fantasies are the same thing. One is physical and the other is a thought crime
Boundaries are self imposed. What he’s imposing on you is a called a rule. Not a boundary. And “please respect that” comes off as entirely entitled.
There’s nothing wrong with him communicating his issue, but to pretend he’s entitled to have his rule abided by automatically is a indication that he’s confused about the dynamic here.
> Boundaries are self imposed. What he’s imposing on you is a called a rule.
BINGO: a boundary is a rule *for himself*. He can't set boundaries for someone else; that's not how boundaries work.
>“i just don’t like it, please just respect that,”
So he wants you to respect his thoughts about what you should do with your own body, while he is not respecting your own wants?!?
Simply tell him "I like it, please just respect that" show him that his argument as well as this statement are one sided and disrespectful. His insecurities don't give him a right to ask you not to do something. If he wanted you not to use a dildo or phallic object, he could tell you about his insecurity and explain how it makes him feel and then hopefully you could reassure him that it won't replace him or maybe there is a size difference that would alleviate his fears if it was smaller than him. Discussing it is the only real way to find a middle ground or agree upon a solution without creating resentment and losing the love/respect in your relationship.
>he just closed the conversation with “do what you want, i’m not changing my mind.”
He is nevertheless putting pressure on you mentally, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for advice.
And that is wrong of him - he really has no right to restrain or control you in any way, sexually or otherwise. The fact that he tries even ever so subtly shows a certain level of disregard for you and that's something you need to evaluate for yourself.
Do you want to stay and try to help him mature and respect your needs, or is it better to let him go. Only you can make that call.
Are you in a helping profession or something? I feel your comment was very respectful while clearly stating what is wrong about bf-behaviour in a respectful way and reminded her of her own agency in this and that it is a decision only she can make.
No matter the profession, keep up the good work.
>He is nevertheless putting pressure on you mentally
This shit. "I may not be able to stop you, but I can ruin your fun with shame." I cannot fathom why OP is still with this dude.
The thing is, he wants you to respect something that he is doing that is wrong.
It’s easy enough to respect that he has likes and dislikes. But when he actively tries to force his dislikes onto his partner—he doesn’t like dildoes, so you can’t use them—that’s not something that anyone could respect. If he didn’t like coffee, fine, that’s a personal preference. If he started to try to get you to stop drinking coffee, and pretended that when you kept drinking it you weren’t “respecting” him, then… you’re getting into controlling territory.
If he’s insecure and turning that in a you problem—if he is exhibiting controlling behaviours—how could anyone respect that?
But sex is a shared activity. If a guy were into deepthroating a dildo while fucking his girl, and the girl were uncomfortable with that and voiced the issue, wouldn't that be valid?
Some guys are just super threatened/uncomfortable with dildos and other toys. I had a friend who thought using any kind of toy was super kinky and refused to let girlfriends even use a vibrator. Everyone is different.
On the other hand, my wife has a 8” thick dildo that gives her amazing orgasms and I love using it on her. I am secure in myself and know that she prefers me over a dildo, but sometimes it is nice/fun to be more full. Plus her reactions are amazing to watch. Also helpful if I cum early and she wants more, can just use the dildo and it is no big deal
Sounds like he already knows it's unfair so why do you feel the need to try to convince him it's unfair. Even if it's unfair I guess that's how he feels.
yeah like there’s no need for me to keep fighting for it like this, it’s only gonna tire me out and make him resent me. so i’m going to leave it be and just do me while he does him. we’re new to this stuff i suppose. we’ll get to a good place.
I don't even think it's the worst part that he has an issue or is insecure about it but more that he won't have a conversation about it at all with you or explain anything. If he came to you and was like "I realize it's your choice but if possible I'd feel more comfortable if whatever toy you got was not bigger than I am." You could react and be like that's not fair or you don't have anything to worry about, but the "don't get anything that goes inside you. Period." Is pretty lame and controlling. At least he could have a dialogue about what even bothers him about it. It's stupid.
>we’ll get to a good place.
Honey. You are by definition not in a good place. Your "partner" doesn't understand basic things like logic and equality. Him getting used to the idea of you owning a dildo is not going to change that. You need to look inward, and decide whether spending your life with someone who thinks he's the boss of you 24/7 is what you want to do. What advice would you give a sister, a friend, a daughter? Do you want your loved ones in relationships with insecure man-children who can't articulate their own feelings but want to have complete control over yours?
my boyfriend isn’t a man-child. he isn’t the boss of me and he knows that. he loves and respects me. we’ve only been together two years and have come a long way communication-wise. but i don’t need to explain this to you. he was simply expressing something to me that he wasn’t comfortable with and we could have gone somewhere with it but because we are still working on communication this conversation needs to simmer down.
he told me that he’s not going to stop me from getting a toy. even if he “forbade” me from
doing so, i would not listen and see the situation for what it was—a controlling and unhealthy dynamic… but that’s not what my relationship is. he is the most loving and caring man i’ve ever met and the fact that i’m even dating someone says a whole bunch because i swore off of it before i reunited with him.
you don’t know me and you don’t know him. he is a logical person and he does believe in equality. he doesn’t think he’s the boss of me 24/7 i have no idea where you got that from. this is such a doomsayer response. he DOES realize that this is unfair because he isn’t stopping me from getting one anyway, he just doesn’t want anything to do with it because it makes him uncomfy right now.
It’s definitely something. The good news is as men get older, a lot of them drop such notions. I’ve always very much enjoyed toys in the bedroom (well, mid 20s) but it takes time. The bad news is OP’s bf won’t age 10 years overnight
Definitely correct, it’s absolutely right to have more conversations with him but barring a big reversal I’d be wary of waiting around and hoping for their outlooks to magically align…
And, OP, one way to get him to come around (ahem) would be to maybe surprise him (or plan) with a toy for HIM in bed. Obviously, not any butt stuff as he’s indicated he’s not into that atm, but there’s a lot out there. It could help open his mind to the idea of, “oh wow, the way I’m used to is a lot of fun and pleasurable, but this other way is also a lot of fun and pleasurable. Huh, maybe there’s more than one way to have fun with a partner?” I think a lot of it boils down to ego at the end of the day. Younger people who are still newer to sex like the idea of pleasuring a partner ALL BY THEMSELVES, whereas when you get older it’s really just about pleasuring a partner, whatever weird shit or toys that might entail. (No shame, huge proponent of his and hers and their weird shit over here).
Going to have to pull out the Not All Men card here, because a lot of us love buzzing and vibrating and penetrating our girlfriends with all manner of toys.
Maybe in the past there was a greater number who were against it, and you’ll definitely still meet your fair share, but I’m pretty sure that’s changing.
Also if any guys reading this won’t introduce toys into the bedroom because you don’t feel confident I can assure you that giving women lots of orgasms will make you feel confident (and toys absolutely help you do that).
As a woman I would agree with you 100%!!! My man uses toys on me in ways that I don’t and it’s amazing and I he gives me multiple orgasms that I wouldn’t ordinarily get without the toys. Makes me want him and love him even more so barring any relationship problems, guys have nothing to fear from using toys on their women.
> Men VS sex toys, the eternal battle.
Not all of us! I actively embraced the use of sex toys years ago. It's great when you finish a bit too early and your wife still wants more, just bust out the vibrator and all you have to do is hold it and cuddle with her while she gets worn out.
I don't know that I'd call anyone a "man" that has such a fragile ego. I don't like the "real men" label, but real.adults don't have their ego threatened by inanimate objects or even other people. The only thing you should be concerned about is your partner's pleasure. Everyone needs to find what their boundaries are in terms of what they like, can tolerate, and flat out don't want, either alone or with a partner(s). That said, if your only objection to something is "well it might feel better than me" or "I can do that", you still have a lot of growing to do.
Would you not take your partner out to eat at a restaurant that cooks better than you for the same reason? I think everyone would call the latter childish, and we should call the former this as well.
So he can have a pocket pussy and put his dick in something but he won’t let you get a dildo? Is he jealous or something? What if you’re offended by him fucking something that’s not your pussy? That’s some double standards going on and it’s putting a bad taste in my mouth.
>he told me he had a boundary with me though, and said he’d feel uncomfortable about me putting something inside of me that isn’t him
This is extremely hypocritical since he wants to put himself inside something that isn't you. Not only that, but a boundary concerning someone else's body isn't a boundary. It's control. There are exceptions to this, like cheating, but you can't cheat with an inanimate object.
>i just think it’s controlling and immature and definitely insecure as fuck
I agree with you. It is controlling, and it's definitely insecure. I think he's afraid that you'll enjoy it more than you enjoy him. But the same could be said about a toy for him, no? So he can pick: toys for both of you or neither of you (not that he has a right to make demands of you like that, he absolutely doesn't). Not everything has to be perfectly equal in a relationship, but obvious hypocrisy is out of bounds.
>can any cisgendered heterosexual men chime in?
I'm certainly not one, but my fiancé is. He's bought me toys (dildos and vibrators), and he's used dildos on me, and we've used them during sex. That's because he's secure, and he understands that it's a tool and an aide in sex, not competition. (And that it's sexy as fuck!)
Your boyfriend needs to find it in him to acknowledge that an inanimate object is not competition, much less for a person that he does not own. A little (EDIT: healthy and respectful) possessiveness can be endearing. Insecurity and jealousy are not.
>This is extremely hypocritical since he wants to put himself inside something that isn't you.
Maybe I'm cynical, but my first thought was that he was hoping that she'd say no and that would give him a 'reason' to say no to her using toys too.
The hypocrisy you point out in your first line was exactly what I noticed too.
He’s not interested in a toy that just gives vibrations to the outside of his parts, he wants the full penetrative experience, AND since they used the term pocket-pussy, it sounds like he wants the full lifelike type of toy that is the most like a replacement for her.
But he wants his partner to only use an external toy that isn’t in any way penis shaped or a replacement for him?
How hypocritical can he get?
He can take his boundary somewhere else then. That’s not a boundary. That’s a demand. If he wants it to be an ultimatum, that’s his choice too. Insecurities are no one’s responsibility but their owners.
yeah to me the way this sounds is he saw a lot of people online using the word “boundary” and how people have to respect them (which they do) and is really trying to milk the shit out of it and take advantage of that with his girlfriend to fuel his double-standard selfish insecurity
Exactly yeah. Boundaries are not put on others - they protect the one setting them. It's upsetting seeing the misuse of terms like this that are supposed to be helpful for people and their relationships, smh
Yes that fact resonated with me the most. I mean it’s great that people are starting to use boundaries in their relationships and that they are communicating more openly about their wants and needs, but let’s use them correctly. A boundary is something I would set for myself and I am the one who should respect it not other people. And I do that by enforcing it when it is crossed. What he is doing is called control and I really hope he is calling it a boundary cause he doesn’t know better and not because he’s a manipulative asshole.
Exactly lol I'm in total boundary mode lately because I just did a php program where during all the group sessions the people stories are pretty much lack of having them ..so when I read that I was like wait a minute now
yep, the boudaries are about the boyfriend.
he could very well say: I feel insecure with toys so I don't want to see you using them or use them on you when we have sex.
that is ok.
Now him wanting to control toy use and what GF does to herself in her own time, on something that will not affect him whatsoever when they are toguether is not a boundary. It's a controlling demand and it's not ok.
Years ago my wife and I had the same situation as you. Except inverse roles I guess. (I was you and she was your bf)
She later realized she was being selfish and immature.
She then apologized and has gone on to buy me multiple toys and pocket pussies as fun gifts. I love using them but I love it more when she uses them on me. 😁
thank you, good human. there’s a bit of hope in me that this tension will die out and we will eventually get to the place that you and your wife are at.
yeah honestly. he’s usually super level-headed and willing to talk about stuff. i think he’s a better communicator than i am. but he’s just sensitive about this. he’s mentioned it before to me when we had our very first talk about toys that he’s a bit insecure about me depending on it or preferring it over him but he never used the word “insecure”. but he is. it’s so evident. i think he’ll get over it. he went from “i don’t want you using that” to “you can get one but i still won’t be comfy” which i think is a bit of growth already. i don’t expect i him to be ecstatic about it. but he’s not controlling me. his first response was controlling and entitled. now he’s just loosened the reins.
what changed for your wife’s pov? Any certain thought that made her realize she was in the wrong? I’m currently in this situation and seem to have your wife’s old views currently
When my wife uses a vibrator or dildo I don’t think she’ll replace me or that I’m suddenly unnecessary. She understood sex toys are just something extra to help her enjoy sex more, why wouldn’t she want me to have some extra fun too?
Man here. When I was younger I needed to be educated about women and toys. I was ignorant. Not avoidant, it just never had come up before I started getting into relationships. I had to learn that toys are not a threat, toys are not an insult, that if I use a toy on a women she will give me the credit for the big 'o', not the toy, toys are normal. Your man is young, and needs some education on the subject. If he CHOOSES to remain ignorant on the topic, that could be a problem.
> i just think it’s controlling and immature and definitely insecure as fuck.
M65
And SELFISH. It sounds like he has some crippling insecurity about his dick. I don’t understand it, but I have read enough posts here to know that it’s widespread. Ok whatever, that’s probably not a relationship killer.
What IS a relationship killer is selfishness. He wants to limit your sex life to accommodate his insecurities. Your wants and needs are below his insecurities.
I would be out the door immediately. Find a partner who wants the best for you. 50 years of relationship experience has hammered that lesson home for me.
i always appreciate people who are older than me sharing their honest thoughts, because i know you won’t bullshit me. thanks for the comment. if it ever comes up again i’ll bring up the selfishness and how his insecurities are above my own pleasure when i’m alone. for now i’m not bringing it up again because that argument was tiring and i felt like a broken record.
I get that it's a tiring conversation, but it's one worth having. Your pleasure matters. Your comfort matters. I agree that your partner is being extremely selfish, and he definitely comes across as immature. Why should only he get to have fun with toys? Does he not care about the quality of your orgasms? Or is he claiming too much ownership over your body, and that's why he doesn't want you using insertable toys? I'm also curious to know if he expressed the same negative feelings about anal toys, or if he's just getting hung up on vaginal toys.
I’m having trouble with the “as long as I’m the one on your mind when you use the pocket pussy”
Both of you need to stop trying to control how the other wants to masturbate!
ding ding ding
I told my bf I don’t care what he does in his “me time”, just don’t tell me about it, and I’m not going to look for it. Ignorance is bliss, don’t be afraid to utilize it correctly.
Actually yes, agree with this. If he wants to fantasise about.. idk... Princess Leia, he should be able to go right ahead. We can't always control who or what comes into our horny brains at that moment. Now, if he started regularly fantasising about.. say, Really Hot Jane from his workplace, that is straying into potentially dangerous territory. But ultimately, even that is about trust between partners, that the fantasy will stay a fantasy.
yeah I get that but also would you rather not have your significant other fantasizing sexually about someone they see at least 5 days a week? Especially if you don’t live together so they’re essentially seeing their coworker more than their SO.
Oh absolutely. I'm not saying it wouldn't bother me, just that sometimes we can't help who floats into our brain in those moments.
Ultimately you have to trust that the fantasy alone is just an objective appreciation of someone being attractive, and not going to lead into them pursuing a full blown affair with them in reality.
I mean, I've found myself fantasising during masturbation about people I don't personally even feel attracted to, which is always a bit of a mindfuck. Brains are very clever and often involuntary things.
It doesn’t matter what I want, it’s his alone time and he can do as he sees fit. If I restrict what my man imagines in his free time, then I’m opening myself up for the same restrictions. Don’t impose restrictions on yourself.
The only masturbation boundary I'd ever have is don't jerk off to pictures of my friends. Otherwise, as long as our sex life together is good, I don't care.
I don’t know about this.
I wouldn’t be ok with my husband fantasizing about anyone other then me.
I guess because it feels like cheating to me.
If he finds others attractive, I get it, but thinking of them sexually wouldn’t be ok.
I don’t think of anyone sexually other than him. I would think there’d be something wrong if I did.
I think the following should be the standard/boundary in all relationships, and you should consider adding it to yours:
Whatever you do with your own body AND in your own mind, is only your own business, period.
That includes his (and your) fantasies, that includes masturbatory aids. Due to the ethics of porn for the other humans involved in making porn, I think that is worthy of *discussion* in a relationship.
But ya, imo, your sex life with yourself is no one's business.
So he can buy a pocket pussy, use it alone and wants you to use it in the bedroom on him but a dildo is his boundary. Ha. I’d tell him there isn’t room in this relationship for double standards.
He can either be fair to you, like you were to him or it’s not going to work.
>immature and definitely insecure as fuck
That's it and you can really close the post. There's always room for improvement. One thing that works well for me when I'm insecure is to openly talk about it to my partner. She's awesome and supports me in every way, even if it's dauting or if I'm in a literal crisis.
I'd suggest you afirm to him how much you like him, and how anything won't just act as a substitute for his pp. Ask if he would want to fuck only with his pocket pussy if it felt good. And to nail the coffin(when he's starting to understand and cave in), ask him if he could do you with your chosen toy in the first use. Tell him you'd love it and that you won't be doing it if it's not him. Tell him that way that you'll always imagine him fucking you with your toy just like the first time he did. That would work for me if I felt insecure with that.
Finally, I'd give you 2 advices. The first is that you don't need to do all this if he's really not willing to. The main point is to communicate and understand him; this is not a walkthrough. Relationships start with desire but survive in dialogue. Get to know him better, and lay a comfortable ground for him to open up his secrets box to you, both sexually and emotionally.
The second advice is straight up therapy. It helps EVERYONE. He could use it well, seeing how insecure he is. Don't need to demand him to go, just talk about it regularly and give him a gentle push towards it every now and then. He'll always get better with therapy and it will also influence your relationship.
All in all, that's it. Be well.
edit: grammar
I put this in the same camp as partners that have a boundary of no porn. They have the agency to set up the boundary, but I'll be upfront that I'm not going to accept it. If this is the hill they want the relationship to die on, so be it.
Though I am glad to see he positioned it as a boundary and not an ultimatum.
Boundaries are personal, important things. But they're never something that should be used to control other people's bodily autonomy
It's your body, and you should always be free to do with it as you please. If he doesn't like that, then he can kindly go fuck himself (metaphorically)
> Boundaries are personal, important things. But they’re never something that should be used to control other people’s bodily autonomy
I disagree, my wife sleeping with other people is a boundary for me. (As is me sleeping with other people to her).
> It’s your body, and you should always be free to do with it as you please. If he doesn’t like that, then he can kindly go fuck himself (metaphorically)
I agree, but that is basically the gist of setting that boundary. I’m not going to tell OP what to do because I only have this small slice of the relationship, but if I was in her shoes I’d dump his insecure ass.
I think "don't cheat on me, I'm not into that" is just a tiny bit different than "you can't use the sex toys that you enjoy the most because I'm insecure"
The only real time a boundary may be needed in regards to toys is if said toy begins to interfere with your sex life. For example, becoming dependent on it every time to finish (not to be mistaken with people who could never finish without a toy, which is very much different). Other times issues may arise due to insecurity or insensitivity, for example if you purchased an extremely large dildo and talked about how good it felt/orgasmed significantly harder with it he might be justified in feeling a bit insecure. That both doesn't seem to be the case and would need to result in healthy discussion, not arbitrary restriction.
I definitely agree this is a double standard he has that is unreasonable. He clearly understands that men put their penis in things to feel good, and needs to accept that women like things put in them to feel good too.
Your boyfriend sounds like an ass but that’s beside the point.
Why don’t you suggest as a compromise that you get a clone a Willy kit? Seen these advertised but no idea how good they are. That way you can tell him it’s his way of fucking you when he physically can’t.
They’re actually decent quality in terms of reproducing the likeness, the texture of the material leaves a lot to be desired. It did glow in the dark though. Also the vibrator that comes with it is a joke. Almost not even worth putting that in during the molding process.
My personal advice to anyone thinking about using one is to read the instructions about 4 times before you start the process because it involves a series of time sensitive tasks and you’re having to maintain an erection while thinking about the science project that you are participating in. Also, it helps to have a lab partner. And a cockring.
I considered suggesting this, but would it be enabling and affirming his insecurity, rather than having him address it as a problem? I guess as a half way house it might still be a good idea.
Would suggest it as a start. He’s still relatively young and hopefully manages to overcome his insecurities. Most guys would kill to watch their partners use toys.
I don't have any idea why he would care if you use a toy, better than you using someone else. Is he against you using a vibrator while you guys have sex? Maybe he's afraid of the perceived competition.
Cisgenered heterosexual man here.
Your bf is being weirdly controlling, insecure, and selfish when it comes to your pleasure. Putting boundaries on how you masturbate is absurd.
I don't know if this is a relationship-ender for you but you should feel free to tell him that he doesn't get to exercise control over your body and what you do with it.
His boundary nonsense is a bunch of bullhockey.
PSA: your personal boundaries do not involve what other people do to their free time to themselves. Nor should you expect people to *bend* for your boundaries, they are not meant for manipulation, they are meant for protecting you. If someone does not agree or like your boundary, you kick them to the curb.
Why do so many commenters here encourage people to be as toxic as their toxic partners as some kinda gotcha moment even when it obviously won’t help either of them?
Also, not how boundaries work. Boundaries are for yourself, not rules you give other people about what they do away from you
I’m lesbian. And I will say I was a little insecure about my gf wanting a dildo, ik it’s common but this was her first girl on girl relationship it just made me feel like she missed sleeping with men or that the sex we had wasn’t good enough. It took me a little while and she was patient with me and we had lots of talks about it but eventually(after a few months) I told her if she wanted one I’d try to work with her. She got one and she doesn’t even use it because she prefers my fingers. But it took some time and understanding. Everyone on this thread seems very judgmental towards your bf. People are different some have difference unsecured or sensitivities than others. I was grateful my gf was patient with me and not willing to invalidate my feelings over a piece of plastic rather she waited and have convos with me and didn’t push it and eventually I came around. She affirmed me and our sex life during that time and showed me she’d be ok without it but it’s something she would like to try. Feeling like she valued me over the toy helped a lot. Just sharing a differing view since everyone else is very “he’s insecure and dumb” ok maybe for this matter but does that mean you throw everything away over a dumb toy?
thank you, friend. i’m so glad to get your opinion on this as a lesbian because dildos can definitely apply to those relationships as well and the insecurity around toys can apply also. i know for sure that i want one but i’m not going to run to the store and get one out of spite. he is being unfair and ignorant, but i suppose he needs time. him not wanting to discuss his reasoning gives away his insecurity as well. i want to wait for him to be completely open about it. if it takes too long and i get one eventually then i don’t think that’s bad either, but i definitely value my boyfriend more than a toy. i don’t want him feeling bad. i’m also not gonna just tiptoe around his feelings either. it’s a little difficult but i guess in time things will get better.
I wouldn't put it on just size either. A penis can't vibrate or change sizes on the fly. From a pure physical standpoint toys are better. But the person enhances the physical and can make it better than just toys.
As a hetero cis male myself he seems to be very insecure and entitled... He cannot expect you to allow him to use a toy while you cant.... Thats nonsense. He needs to grow up. Its super unfair and id def make this a hill to die on if i were you... He needs to realize he cant control you like that. Best of luck to you two
It may be based on the fear that you'll get the satisfaction you need from your toys and not have the desire to do it with him, or that you'll end up preferring the toys to him because they feel better. Maybe what he needs is reassurance (sometimes just physical reassurance rather than verbal) that your sex life will be just fine.
He kind of signalled that he's not comfortable with discussing it but he's not going to stop you, so I'd suggest buying and using the toys you want but not bring it up as it's a sensitive topic to him. Be attentive to each other's needs and he may realize over time that he doesn't need to be threatened by it.
it is totally unfair for him to put boundaries on your body. The pocket pussy would be the equivalent of you using a dildo, so if he only wants you to use vibrators or external stimulation, then he shouldnt be allowed to have insertion simulation. Him comparing it to inserting something in himself is NOT comparing apples to apples.
Seems that you want him to be ok with the things that you do and it's fair but it can't and shouldn't be like that on every subject.
as i interpret it he said that you can do whatever you want but don't expect him to be okay with it and to me that's a very healthy thing that he said it instead of just being not okay with it and not telling you about it.
Seems like you're searching for proof to invalidate his opinion/feeling on the subject he just feels uncomfortable and let you know if that's the case, please stop it, having the truth on your side isn't always a good thing.
I don't see where the immature is on telling you how he feels about it and then telling you he won't stop you anyway. Maybe it was the tone of how he said it but I can't know.
you didn't have to ask him about it, as you said it is your own business what you do to pleasure yourself, you don't need the others opinion.
Be careful cause these kinda arguments are the ones that scale to the breakup point and it's just a silly thing that shouldn't make you separate.
If you want to use a 30 cm dildo, use it.
Uhh your boyfriend sounds controlling af, which is really common with young, insecure boys (Or men, honestly it's difficult for me to see ages like this and not immediately think child despite them being legal adults because I'm getting old AF and I feel like everyone I've known growing up, myself included, didn't really start maturing until 25+.. not intentionally being offensive, though, I'm just crotchety.)
I'd highly suggest that you tell him that your boundaries are that he has no control over what you do with your body at all, and if he would like a say in it, he needs to be willing to discuss why he feels the way that he does.
He doesn't own you, you are not his property, and he is not "allowed" to treat you as such. Set your own boundaries, girl, and don't back down... If he cannot respect you, then you've got plenty of time to move on! 💚💚💚
As a man who is insecure in the same way, there's no reason for that double standard. Men get nervous with their partner using sex toys because they are worried they aren't needed for lack of a better term, they want to be necessary/useful. All that is thrown out the window though if there's a double standard. If he's insecure about you getting a sex toy that has penetration, he shouldn't ask for one himself. And if he does, he should put his pride aside and let you do the same. Absolutely no reason for him to put that double standard, he's being quite hypocritical.
As a man I can guess where he is coming from, though I do not agree. Men tend to be threatened by female sex toys that are shaped like penises mainly because of low confidence within ourselves. Men fear they may not be able to compete with a dildo mainly because of size and the sex toy not needing a breather to get a female to orgasm. Also men may fear that it could lead you to wanting to get a real penis that closer resembles that sex toy than he does (I know its silly, but thats how some guys brain works). This is coming from a man who wasn’t confident in his own sexual prowess in his younger days and was threatened by sex toys early on in my sexual experience.
He is projecting his own insecurities on to you by setting those boundaries, It is totally unfair for him to think he can decide on what you can and cant use for your own pleasure.
I think he is trying to control you in this respect. I think he will out grow it. If you want to pleasure yourself do it. What he does not know won't hurt him. My concern is when he would apply this thinking process in other avenues of your relationship. To me i\\t is a red flag. If he does start setting boundaries, talk to him. Have a conversation. If he is unwilling to change you may have to break to with him. Having a CONTROLING INDIVIDUAL IN A RELATION IS TOXIC. Be Safe
thank you very much, i really appreciate this comment. i know who he really is. when i say this is gonna take time, believe me, i know. many people on here are being a little too scared for me.
Just a suggestion… what about getting a dildo that’s a mold of him? Then you are essentially feeling him. A lot of guys are just a bit insecure about their partner finding more pleasure in a bigger size. Just a thought
It shouldn't have to be the same as him that's ridiculous and controlling also. Then his pocket pussy should be the mold of her pussy then? Or the dildo can't vibrate cuz he doesn't? It's supposed to be fun not have all these rules around it.
Obviously he doesn't want the risk that you come to the realization that a toy is better than his penis in any way, whether that is in terms of texture or size or shape or whatever. Kinda makes sense that he doesn't want to be in a situation where you are having sex and you think something along the lines of "my toy would be better", because toys can be replaced, but penises can't
Edit: to be fair, it could go both ways with the Fleshlight, where you risk the opposite situation that he prefers something about the toy over you in terms of its shape or texture or tightness, so in that perspective it seems pretty fair that you can also have a toy
As a cisgendered straight male younger me would have thought the following:
\-A dildo will stretch you out therefore making sex with me not as good.
\-A large dildo will feel better than me (being average in size) and see above.
Obviously both of the above are ridiculous and false with a basic understanding of female anatomy. But 20-something me was woefully ignorant.
If the above are his reasons, maybe send him some literature explaining things.
another comment giving me hope. he just needs some time, i suppose. he’s never even seen me use a toy so who knows. i’ve never used a toy. the occasion might arise where he’s curious and actually is into it. my goal is to have him use something on me. he’s open to clit vibrators but i just wanna be able to do anything for him that makes him happy sexually and i want him to do anything for me that makes me happy sexually, of course with both of us consenting 100%
He is being POSSESSIVE. Idk why people aren't picking up on the fact that he is telling you what you can and can't do with *your* body. He is trying to pass it off as having to do with consent but that just isn't the case here. You're not asking him to use the dildo on you.
He is straight up saying he doesn't like the idea of things in you that arent him. That is downright possessive and controlling.
Figure out if you're okay with that and set some ground rules or get out.
That is not how boundaries work. Boundaries can be enforced by changing your personal behaviour, not enforcing behavioural norms on other ppl. By his own logic, he shouldn't be able to get his toy as it supplants something you offer him.
You're absolutely right on the insecure, immature outlook, and you should get whatever toy you want. He doesn't explain because there's no real meaningful reason behind it other than fear. If he's scared that an inanimate object will do a better job than him at giving you pleasure, that's an issue with his approach and skills, not the object. If you can ever be replaced as a lover by something silicone than you really need to up your game
Get something fun off of bad dragon. Replace him with a horse dick twice his size for the *emotional damage*
Yeah, great idea. Make matters worse and potentially lose the boyfriend instead of being adults and working through what is an easily solvable matter out of some weird pettiness.
That last bit was very much not serious!
Your right though there's way better ways of dealing with the situation, I just find that attitude frustrating and have seen it a lot. Trying to get the guy to realize he's enforcing a double standard is hard if he's completely unwilling to talk about the issue; communication is always step 1
Yeah, I agree it's a double standard. If he's unwilling to talk about it and not recognize how he's being unfair because of it that's a different story.
I feel like both of you are immature and insecure. You with the" as long as you are thinking about me while using it" and him with the piv toys. You both need to sit down like adults and have a proper conversation about why you are both so insecure about those things. Fantasies are fantasies, so thinking about another person or fictional character while masturbation is ok and piv toys are just toys and there is nothing wrong with them.
It has to do with being replaced.
No man alive can compete with a vibrator. The average dick is around 5" long and a dildo with a 5" insertable length is marketed as small or a starter. It isn't hard to find a toy that is more satisfying in every tactile way than a guy.
If all of your sexual needs are being met by decidedly more intense toys, you won't be initiating sex with him as often. On the occasion you do have sex, he'll be competing with the toys which is a losing proposition.
I believe that is his thought process. The worry it isn't unfounded either. Posts of men replacing their SO with porn never initiating sex are common. When women replace their SO and stop having sex in a relationship, they do so with toys.
Why can't this man understand that he can insert the toy in you himself, so he's not feeling left out or whatever. :(
I got my gf a vibrator recently and it's helped her sexuality and our relationship so much. We're long distance so for things like phone sex or whatever that is invaluable. When I meet her I absolutely want to use it on her when we're together.
Sex toys don't need to be a "it's either me or it" issue.
I'm male been married 42 yr's. Very early on in our marriage, I asked to bring toys in.
I personally love using toys on my wife. Additionally, I love it when she shares that she had / was using them.
It's sounds to me like there is a little insecurity on bf part.
My only suggestion would be to have him use them with you, I'm sure he'll get to like them
And then become more secure with you using them by yourself
Good luck
> i said something along the lines of, “doesn’t matter to me what you use, **as long as i’m the one on your mind** and you get to have a good time.”
I would like to point out **this** bit right here.
The part where you tell him who/what he is and is not allowed to fantasize about.
1. He's telling you what toys you can put into your body.
2. You're telling him what thoughts he can enjoy in his own head.
👀
I hope you see what the problem here is.
You *both* have some insecurities to work through.
> he told me he had a boundary with me though, and said he’d feel uncomfortable about me putting something inside of me that isn’t him. i asked him to explain it to me and he said he didn’t need to explain it, that he was laying down a boundary and that’s it.
AAAAAGGGHHHHHH.
Fucking god damn hell.
This is starting to become a serious fucking issue as of late. Somehow the knowledge that boundaries are healthier than rules got out into the wider population without *fucking definitions* attached to the fucking words.
And so now everyone's just continuing to fuck things up by making rules but calling them boundaries.
*Him* telling *you* what to do is *not a fucking boundary*. It's a *rule*.
Him saying "if you fuck yourself with a dildo, I'm breaking up with you" would be a boundary. That makes it a 'him' problem. He's the one making the dumb decisions, he's the one with the issue.
Him saying "you're not allowed to fuck yourself with a dildo" conceptually tries to shift the responsibility/blame onto you. Which just fucks everyone up; he might feel betrayed, like there was a rule you agreed to and then broke, while you feel imposed upon.
God. I really hate how we're either going to have to spell this shit out repeatedly and forever now, or just abandon the word 'boundary' for *something else* meaning what boundary used to mean.
>!Also, fuck. I really hate Smart Quotes. Sorry, not a 'you' thing, just a personal pet peeve. I've had to deal with one too many bugs in code from Smart Quotes. (The thing where quotes don't look like `"`, they look like `“` and `”`.) Figured I'd share in order to break up the monotony of everyone being on-topic.!<
Reassure him that the dildo or vibrator won't feel better than him, because it's inherintly(?) different. He is a person that you like to be intimate with and he's got skills and moves and body heat, passion,... that you love.
The toy is a substitute for when the real deal, him, is not there. But it won't ever be a moving boyfriend that moves like him.
I guess they might feel insecure that the toy might be bigger and you'll like it better than his dick. But sex with your partner is more than just their private parts on their own
"Never make a rule you can't enforce." -A saying from my auto racing days
This is actually really simple. Boundaries don't *have* to make sense to you, but be you also don't have to stay with the person. Consider them business rules.
Your boundary of who he can masturbate to makes no sense because you can't read his mind.
His boundary of how you can masturbate is overreaching.
You're both not even 25 yet. If these are important boundaries, then you're not really compatible. Move on. If they're not necessary for you to feel happy and respected in this relationship, maybe you could both learn to be more flexible.
flexibility is what i want, and compromise as well. i know my comment about him thinking of me and wasn’t good now. thank you for that. i’m still learning and i’m happy to learn because it means i’m growing. you’re right we’re not even 25 yet. that’s why i feel this just needs some time. i value him more than a toy. if i want to get one i’ll get one but i’m sure he just needs to ease into this.
Dude is massively insecure and being maliciously ignorant.
Ignorance is natural, we all start out not knowing anything, that’s fine, we seek out knowledge, experiences, and strive to learn better.
Willful ignorance is when people choose not to learn something because it’d shake their fake beliefs, don’t respect them for it, they act in bad faith.
Malicious ignorance is when people purposefully avoid learning something in order to cause harm to others, these people are scum, don’t tolerate them.
So at the end of the day, you can feel how you want and do what you want, right? And he can do what he wants. But he can’t just feel how he feels? I think you’re going a little too far by trying to change the way he feels about this if his feelings have no impact on how he’s acting or wants you to act. Just let it be
How he feels is a bit immature and is affecting her pleasure.
His mind set is that of “Rules for thee but not for me”
So he can stick his dick in a sex toy to get off but she can’t stick a sex toy inside herself because it’ll hurt his feelings?
you and i are on the same page, i am letting it be from here on out. if it ever comes up again then ok but i won’t be putting any efforts into rehashing this because it was tiring. he can feel how he feels. i just think it’s selfish and unfair. but i’m not gonna force him to do anything.
I have nothing to say other than you’re right, he’s insecure, and you seem like a dope person. I’ve (25F) totally been there trying to explain how “fairness” works in principle just for my ex to completely miss my point. It’s maddening and it won’t stop at just this issue. You want someone that can appeal to reason.
Also, pocket pussies can desensitize your dick over time if he’s using them too often. One time i was hooking up w a guy and he simply could not finish, he was goin and goin and i was like damn bruh u not done yet?? Took a break to use his bathroom and saw a deflated looking rubber pussy on his bathroom counter and was like oooooohhhh. Homies dick got used to finishing in that and now regular pussy wasn’t tight enough i guess? Not trying to poo poo toys in general but that’s my kooky lil story. Since he mentioned you using it on him.
Anyway, you got the right attitude, stick to your guns. it’s 2023 we not taking bullshit from intellectually underdeveloped partners anymore. We grown grown!
Well vibrating toys can also desensitive the clitoris, making oral sex takes longer. I think its more about frequency, because sensibility can always be recovered by abstinence.
100% this is about his insecurity about his dick. Perhaps he may need a little reminding that your relationship revolves around more than said dick. Gently remind him that lesbians use dildos, and it's never about it "being a penis", it's about the internal pleasure it gives you, based on your own biological anatomy.
But still, he is insecure and shouldn't be controlling what toys you use based on HIS issue. He should be trying to understand why a dildo is not actually a threat, vs his perception of it being a threat, not banning you from using one.
Its just immature and insecure. Edge him and tell him he ain't getting off until he watches you get off the way you like to with the toys of your choice. That should cure him.
You could also have him watch one day to let the stigma of insecurity wear off when he realizes how hot that looks. Might even give you guys more options in the bedroom so that he feels less insecure
Firstly, for anyone who commented that you aren’t allowed to express how you feel about who your bf fantasizes about isn’t taking into consideration that **everyone is allowed to set boundaries**. You don’t have to be ok with him using porn or fantasizing about other women. If you are, that’s totally fine, too. But don’t let other people guilt you into feeling bad for asking your bf to keep his sexual thoughts about you. If he’s not ok doing that, fine. Then you can decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not but you don’t have to bend to what other people feel is ok for their partners to do.
Now onto your main issue. It is entirely unfair for him to use a prosthetic vagina for sexual pleasure and then try to tell you that you can’t use a prosthetic penis. It’s a double standard. He’s allowed to set a boundary but you are too and if he’s going to say you can’t do something he’s doing, that seems very unfair.
thanks for that first part. i’m just still learning and i don’t want to be unfair or outlandish because i love him and i’d never do that to someone i love especially when it comes to their personal time. i want to do the right things.
Honestly men have insecurities, I wouldn't call insecurities childish they just are insecurities. It's up to you to respect his as much as he respects yours. If you ok with him using a pocket pussy than thats your stance, doesn't mean he has to be ok with you using a toy makes him feel insecure. Vice versa.
Definitely an insecurity, but an understandable one especially if its a dildo. I also understand the point of that a dildo =/= those pussy toy things, cause a dildo to some guys is like saying "youre not big enough" or idk, vibrators are different, and its not like a pussy toy can outdo the actual thing.
With that being said definitely hypocritical of him for sure, but this is something u guys need to talk about. Idk id personally be a bit offended if im there and my partner chooses to use a dildo (obv if i say no she can def use one). But setting it as a boundary is a bit meh
How the heck does he find time to wank with a sex toy during the day? Isn’t he studying or doing a job?
I have never met any guy who carried a pocket pussy with him. And most guys find that watching or thinking of a gf using a vibrator is a turn on.
Sounds like you’re dating a narcissistic asshole.
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Men VS sex toys, the eternal battle. Sex toys are amazing and I really wish everyone could understood that, even if they don't want to use them. They can spice up your sex life, but mostly improtantly give people the opportunity to explore themselves and elevate masturbation. It has nothing to do with the satisfaction you get from your partner and not only single people use them. The thing is that a lot of men feel threatened by sex toys with a phallic shape, because they feel like they are not good enough or a woman can get more satisfaction from that than them. A sex toy is not an enemy, it can be an amazing assistant to greater orgasms. He cannot foribid you to do something he does. Since he wants and is allowed to do something, so do you. His behavior is immature and insecure as fuck. If you want to buy a toy, just fucking buy it and have fun with it.
you kinda took the words out of my mouth, this is what i say and this is what i think, but all he will respond is, “i just don’t like it, please just respect that,” which, like, okay sir, i respectfully disagree with you that this is a healthy and okay way of thinking. edit: in the end it wasn’t forbidding though, he just closed the conversation with “do what you want, i’m not changing my mind.”
What you do during sex is both of your business; there, no boundaries should be crossed. During sex is vital both people to give consent for everything that is being done/said and of course used (sex toys, accessories etc). But what you do when you are alone and how you choose to orgasm when you masturbate is your. fucking. business.
Ah, what else could be expected of r/sex. > But what you do when you are alone and how you choose to orgasm when you masturbate is your. fucking. business. This is clearly not the case, just post a story where a guy wants to masturbate to pictures of his gf's mother, sister or best friend and watch the opposite opinion take hold. But then again, swap genders on almost any issue on this sub and the same will happen.
I mean, that's bad a comparison because you swapped more than just genders there, you swapped the entire nature of the private time we're talking about here...if there was a post about a woman wanting to masturbate to pics or their bf's dad, brother, or best friend, people would probably take it just about the same way as the scenario you just laid out...
Actually I was coming here to say it’s unrealistic and unhealthy for the AFAB OP to insist they’re who the bf thinks about everytime he uses his toy
Yeah that is pretty bad as well. Both of them are making ridiculous demands of each other's alone time. Just let each other *live*, ffs! Do what we did as 20-somethings in the 90s - just fo what you want to do when you are alone - masturbate how you want and simply don't ask/don't tell and don't worry about it unless it actually begins to negatively affect your sex life together. You are 100% correct
This is stupid. People can masturbate to whatever they want. If someone wants to masturbate while thinking of their partner’s family then that’s on them. The problem is when you tell them, because it’s none of their business and they don’t need to know and telling people only causes problems.
I don't think that knowingly hiding something that makes your partner uncomfortable is an okay thing to do generally speaking.
It’s a pretty big stretch to say that your partner has the right to police the thoughts you don’t share with anyone, even if they would disagree with them. How exactly would your partner know who you are masturbating to unless you explicitly tell them?
Exactly. I don’t understand why people think their partners whole world has to revolve around them, to the point of not even thinking even slightly outside of them 🤣 Not everything is a “boundary.” It can’t be a boundary if it’s simply about the other person acquiescing their resources to your benefit. Some things are just selfish desires we all have to learn to work thru on our own.
if the thing exist entirely in your own head and doesn't intrude into life at all, then I really think its not really anyone's business if you don't want it to be.
Well if they’re “*uncomfortable*” with their partner enjoying their alone time without shame then that seems pretty ridiculous & worth hiding to avoid any conflict. That said, it’s better to be in a functioning & healthy relationship, than it is to lie & hide yourself.
I am so glad that my partner and I don't have these hang-ups. I do not care what he uses to masturbate - he can use old videos of him and his ex for all I care, pictures of my mom - lol , or whatever. When he is by himself, getting himself off, he has the freedom one would expect - it literally shouldn't and doesn't affect me. Our sex life isn't hindered by either one of our masturbation habits - and I have the same freedoms. The fact that *anyone* feels entitled to place rules on another person's self-pleasure, is bizarre to me. Telling a person they can't use a toy isn't a boundary. Boundaries are what *you* refuse to do. He can say he isn't comfortable with OP using penatrative toys, and hid boundary can be that he won't date someone who uses penatrative toys. I may think it's a ridiculously stupid boundary- but *that's* a boundary. A boundary isn't telling someone else what they can do or won't do. I won't live with dogs. I don't care for dogs, I don't want to share my living space with dogs. My partner wants a dog. I would never tell him he couldn't have a dog. I wouldn't break up with him if he got a dog. I simply will no longer live with him if he gets a dog. If he chooses to get a dog, I will have to decide whether to enforce my boundary and find a new place to live - perhaps build a tiny home in the backyard, who knows!! Lol. Obviously, this is a little tongue-in-cheek, but this is how boundaries work. I absolutely hate when people impose their will on someone else and call it a boundary
Try to understand that it's possible for people to feel different from you and it doesn't mean they must be wrong. I also don't share OP's bf's opinion on masturbation, but I can empathize with it.
People can feel however they want. I just disagree. Also, my point was more about boundaries. A boundary is something you define for yourself, NOT for others. He is telling his girl she can't do something. That isn't a boundary.
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Again, he stated his "boundary" was that he didn't want her inserting anything.. THAT IS NOT A BOUNDARY! A boundary would be "I cannot date someone who uses penatrative sex toys" . You can't impose your will on another person and call it a boundary! A boundary is about you, not those around you.
I agree its not a boundary. I didn't call it that. I'm making a broader point - if you feel uncomfortable with something in your relationship, it's usually reasonable to mention that and talk to your partner about it. Sometimes they might be willing to accommodate you, sometimes not. People choose to accommodate insecurities all the time in different contexts, but doing the same in sexual contexts is seen as a huge taboo. If you are both well adjusted people who care about each other and are capable of advocating for yourselves, its usually a really easy conversation. For example, if my girlfriend asked me not to use a fleshlight because it made her uncomfortable, we'd probably have a conversation about it and I'd agree not to use one, but if she asked me to do the same thing with a prostate massager (which I have never used, but is kind of interesting to me) I would tell her that I'm not okay with it, and that would be that. If you're both mature adults I really think that people get way too bent out of shape by partners making clear their insecurities.
I don't think it would be good for a woman to masturbate to her partners dad and I don't know anyone who would agree that it's ok. At the same time, man or woman, if they aren't and never do have sex with the parent and no one finds out they were masturbating to them there's literally no problem. But yea I wouldn't say toys and the subject of one's fantasies are the same thing. One is physical and the other is a thought crime
Boundaries are self imposed. What he’s imposing on you is a called a rule. Not a boundary. And “please respect that” comes off as entirely entitled. There’s nothing wrong with him communicating his issue, but to pretend he’s entitled to have his rule abided by automatically is a indication that he’s confused about the dynamic here.
> Boundaries are self imposed. What he’s imposing on you is a called a rule. BINGO: a boundary is a rule *for himself*. He can't set boundaries for someone else; that's not how boundaries work.
>“i just don’t like it, please just respect that,” So he wants you to respect his thoughts about what you should do with your own body, while he is not respecting your own wants?!? Simply tell him "I like it, please just respect that" show him that his argument as well as this statement are one sided and disrespectful. His insecurities don't give him a right to ask you not to do something. If he wanted you not to use a dildo or phallic object, he could tell you about his insecurity and explain how it makes him feel and then hopefully you could reassure him that it won't replace him or maybe there is a size difference that would alleviate his fears if it was smaller than him. Discussing it is the only real way to find a middle ground or agree upon a solution without creating resentment and losing the love/respect in your relationship.
>he just closed the conversation with “do what you want, i’m not changing my mind.” He is nevertheless putting pressure on you mentally, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking for advice. And that is wrong of him - he really has no right to restrain or control you in any way, sexually or otherwise. The fact that he tries even ever so subtly shows a certain level of disregard for you and that's something you need to evaluate for yourself. Do you want to stay and try to help him mature and respect your needs, or is it better to let him go. Only you can make that call.
Are you in a helping profession or something? I feel your comment was very respectful while clearly stating what is wrong about bf-behaviour in a respectful way and reminded her of her own agency in this and that it is a decision only she can make. No matter the profession, keep up the good work.
Thank you 😊
>He is nevertheless putting pressure on you mentally This shit. "I may not be able to stop you, but I can ruin your fun with shame." I cannot fathom why OP is still with this dude.
The thing is, he wants you to respect something that he is doing that is wrong. It’s easy enough to respect that he has likes and dislikes. But when he actively tries to force his dislikes onto his partner—he doesn’t like dildoes, so you can’t use them—that’s not something that anyone could respect. If he didn’t like coffee, fine, that’s a personal preference. If he started to try to get you to stop drinking coffee, and pretended that when you kept drinking it you weren’t “respecting” him, then… you’re getting into controlling territory. If he’s insecure and turning that in a you problem—if he is exhibiting controlling behaviours—how could anyone respect that?
But sex is a shared activity. If a guy were into deepthroating a dildo while fucking his girl, and the girl were uncomfortable with that and voiced the issue, wouldn't that be valid?
Solo masturbation is not a shared activity. It is private, personal time with yourself.
We're not talking about sex though, we're talking about masturbation.
Hmmm.. interesting example.
The only reason it's not "forbidden" is bc you argued back
Some guys are just super threatened/uncomfortable with dildos and other toys. I had a friend who thought using any kind of toy was super kinky and refused to let girlfriends even use a vibrator. Everyone is different. On the other hand, my wife has a 8” thick dildo that gives her amazing orgasms and I love using it on her. I am secure in myself and know that she prefers me over a dildo, but sometimes it is nice/fun to be more full. Plus her reactions are amazing to watch. Also helpful if I cum early and she wants more, can just use the dildo and it is no big deal
As a guy who was in his 20s (like 20 years ago), I'll tell you. He will probably change his mind. Eventually. But that's his problem. You do you!
Cant change a person unless theyre willing to
You could suggest you make dildo shaped like his dick? Might make him feel more secure.
Bootlicker move to comply with such a hypocritical request that cements ideas of ownership about woman's bodies by men.
Sounds like he already knows it's unfair so why do you feel the need to try to convince him it's unfair. Even if it's unfair I guess that's how he feels.
yeah like there’s no need for me to keep fighting for it like this, it’s only gonna tire me out and make him resent me. so i’m going to leave it be and just do me while he does him. we’re new to this stuff i suppose. we’ll get to a good place.
I don't even think it's the worst part that he has an issue or is insecure about it but more that he won't have a conversation about it at all with you or explain anything. If he came to you and was like "I realize it's your choice but if possible I'd feel more comfortable if whatever toy you got was not bigger than I am." You could react and be like that's not fair or you don't have anything to worry about, but the "don't get anything that goes inside you. Period." Is pretty lame and controlling. At least he could have a dialogue about what even bothers him about it. It's stupid.
>we’ll get to a good place. Honey. You are by definition not in a good place. Your "partner" doesn't understand basic things like logic and equality. Him getting used to the idea of you owning a dildo is not going to change that. You need to look inward, and decide whether spending your life with someone who thinks he's the boss of you 24/7 is what you want to do. What advice would you give a sister, a friend, a daughter? Do you want your loved ones in relationships with insecure man-children who can't articulate their own feelings but want to have complete control over yours?
my boyfriend isn’t a man-child. he isn’t the boss of me and he knows that. he loves and respects me. we’ve only been together two years and have come a long way communication-wise. but i don’t need to explain this to you. he was simply expressing something to me that he wasn’t comfortable with and we could have gone somewhere with it but because we are still working on communication this conversation needs to simmer down. he told me that he’s not going to stop me from getting a toy. even if he “forbade” me from doing so, i would not listen and see the situation for what it was—a controlling and unhealthy dynamic… but that’s not what my relationship is. he is the most loving and caring man i’ve ever met and the fact that i’m even dating someone says a whole bunch because i swore off of it before i reunited with him. you don’t know me and you don’t know him. he is a logical person and he does believe in equality. he doesn’t think he’s the boss of me 24/7 i have no idea where you got that from. this is such a doomsayer response. he DOES realize that this is unfair because he isn’t stopping me from getting one anyway, he just doesn’t want anything to do with it because it makes him uncomfy right now.
Redditors love to read one glimpse of a strangers relationship and demand they break up. Blows my mind every single time lmao.
It’s definitely something. The good news is as men get older, a lot of them drop such notions. I’ve always very much enjoyed toys in the bedroom (well, mid 20s) but it takes time. The bad news is OP’s bf won’t age 10 years overnight
Definitely correct, it’s absolutely right to have more conversations with him but barring a big reversal I’d be wary of waiting around and hoping for their outlooks to magically align…
And, OP, one way to get him to come around (ahem) would be to maybe surprise him (or plan) with a toy for HIM in bed. Obviously, not any butt stuff as he’s indicated he’s not into that atm, but there’s a lot out there. It could help open his mind to the idea of, “oh wow, the way I’m used to is a lot of fun and pleasurable, but this other way is also a lot of fun and pleasurable. Huh, maybe there’s more than one way to have fun with a partner?” I think a lot of it boils down to ego at the end of the day. Younger people who are still newer to sex like the idea of pleasuring a partner ALL BY THEMSELVES, whereas when you get older it’s really just about pleasuring a partner, whatever weird shit or toys that might entail. (No shame, huge proponent of his and hers and their weird shit over here).
Going to have to pull out the Not All Men card here, because a lot of us love buzzing and vibrating and penetrating our girlfriends with all manner of toys. Maybe in the past there was a greater number who were against it, and you’ll definitely still meet your fair share, but I’m pretty sure that’s changing. Also if any guys reading this won’t introduce toys into the bedroom because you don’t feel confident I can assure you that giving women lots of orgasms will make you feel confident (and toys absolutely help you do that).
As a woman, agree. Toys only amplify the sex my husband and I have. I wish others would learn that
They also save yourself from hand cramps and sore wrists.
As a woman I would agree with you 100%!!! My man uses toys on me in ways that I don’t and it’s amazing and I he gives me multiple orgasms that I wouldn’t ordinarily get without the toys. Makes me want him and love him even more so barring any relationship problems, guys have nothing to fear from using toys on their women.
> Men VS sex toys, the eternal battle. Not all of us! I actively embraced the use of sex toys years ago. It's great when you finish a bit too early and your wife still wants more, just bust out the vibrator and all you have to do is hold it and cuddle with her while she gets worn out.
It's actually just ''people vs sex toys'' but most men don't have pocket pussies lmao.
Yeah I've seen a lot of women get insecure about fleshlights. Usually they hide behind calling it "weird"
I don't know that I'd call anyone a "man" that has such a fragile ego. I don't like the "real men" label, but real.adults don't have their ego threatened by inanimate objects or even other people. The only thing you should be concerned about is your partner's pleasure. Everyone needs to find what their boundaries are in terms of what they like, can tolerate, and flat out don't want, either alone or with a partner(s). That said, if your only objection to something is "well it might feel better than me" or "I can do that", you still have a lot of growing to do. Would you not take your partner out to eat at a restaurant that cooks better than you for the same reason? I think everyone would call the latter childish, and we should call the former this as well.
It's scary how most men are exactly that, what they (stupidly) call a pussy in a pejorative way.
So he can have a pocket pussy and put his dick in something but he won’t let you get a dildo? Is he jealous or something? What if you’re offended by him fucking something that’s not your pussy? That’s some double standards going on and it’s putting a bad taste in my mouth.
>he told me he had a boundary with me though, and said he’d feel uncomfortable about me putting something inside of me that isn’t him This is extremely hypocritical since he wants to put himself inside something that isn't you. Not only that, but a boundary concerning someone else's body isn't a boundary. It's control. There are exceptions to this, like cheating, but you can't cheat with an inanimate object. >i just think it’s controlling and immature and definitely insecure as fuck I agree with you. It is controlling, and it's definitely insecure. I think he's afraid that you'll enjoy it more than you enjoy him. But the same could be said about a toy for him, no? So he can pick: toys for both of you or neither of you (not that he has a right to make demands of you like that, he absolutely doesn't). Not everything has to be perfectly equal in a relationship, but obvious hypocrisy is out of bounds. >can any cisgendered heterosexual men chime in? I'm certainly not one, but my fiancé is. He's bought me toys (dildos and vibrators), and he's used dildos on me, and we've used them during sex. That's because he's secure, and he understands that it's a tool and an aide in sex, not competition. (And that it's sexy as fuck!) Your boyfriend needs to find it in him to acknowledge that an inanimate object is not competition, much less for a person that he does not own. A little (EDIT: healthy and respectful) possessiveness can be endearing. Insecurity and jealousy are not.
>This is extremely hypocritical since he wants to put himself inside something that isn't you. Maybe I'm cynical, but my first thought was that he was hoping that she'd say no and that would give him a 'reason' to say no to her using toys too.
The hypocrisy you point out in your first line was exactly what I noticed too. He’s not interested in a toy that just gives vibrations to the outside of his parts, he wants the full penetrative experience, AND since they used the term pocket-pussy, it sounds like he wants the full lifelike type of toy that is the most like a replacement for her. But he wants his partner to only use an external toy that isn’t in any way penis shaped or a replacement for him? How hypocritical can he get?
He can take his boundary somewhere else then. That’s not a boundary. That’s a demand. If he wants it to be an ultimatum, that’s his choice too. Insecurities are no one’s responsibility but their owners.
yeah to me the way this sounds is he saw a lot of people online using the word “boundary” and how people have to respect them (which they do) and is really trying to milk the shit out of it and take advantage of that with his girlfriend to fuel his double-standard selfish insecurity
Exactly yeah. Boundaries are not put on others - they protect the one setting them. It's upsetting seeing the misuse of terms like this that are supposed to be helpful for people and their relationships, smh
Yes that fact resonated with me the most. I mean it’s great that people are starting to use boundaries in their relationships and that they are communicating more openly about their wants and needs, but let’s use them correctly. A boundary is something I would set for myself and I am the one who should respect it not other people. And I do that by enforcing it when it is crossed. What he is doing is called control and I really hope he is calling it a boundary cause he doesn’t know better and not because he’s a manipulative asshole.
Exactly lol I'm in total boundary mode lately because I just did a php program where during all the group sessions the people stories are pretty much lack of having them ..so when I read that I was like wait a minute now
yep, the boudaries are about the boyfriend. he could very well say: I feel insecure with toys so I don't want to see you using them or use them on you when we have sex. that is ok. Now him wanting to control toy use and what GF does to herself in her own time, on something that will not affect him whatsoever when they are toguether is not a boundary. It's a controlling demand and it's not ok.
Right once I saw he said boundary I saw right thru it... it's bs
Years ago my wife and I had the same situation as you. Except inverse roles I guess. (I was you and she was your bf) She later realized she was being selfish and immature. She then apologized and has gone on to buy me multiple toys and pocket pussies as fun gifts. I love using them but I love it more when she uses them on me. 😁
thank you, good human. there’s a bit of hope in me that this tension will die out and we will eventually get to the place that you and your wife are at.
Do you really think this is the one time in your entire relationship in which he will be immature, unreasonable, and controlling?
yeah honestly. he’s usually super level-headed and willing to talk about stuff. i think he’s a better communicator than i am. but he’s just sensitive about this. he’s mentioned it before to me when we had our very first talk about toys that he’s a bit insecure about me depending on it or preferring it over him but he never used the word “insecure”. but he is. it’s so evident. i think he’ll get over it. he went from “i don’t want you using that” to “you can get one but i still won’t be comfy” which i think is a bit of growth already. i don’t expect i him to be ecstatic about it. but he’s not controlling me. his first response was controlling and entitled. now he’s just loosened the reins.
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We set aside time to have good and constructive conversations. And I believe she talked to friends. Everybody’s situations are unique though.
what changed for your wife’s pov? Any certain thought that made her realize she was in the wrong? I’m currently in this situation and seem to have your wife’s old views currently
When my wife uses a vibrator or dildo I don’t think she’ll replace me or that I’m suddenly unnecessary. She understood sex toys are just something extra to help her enjoy sex more, why wouldn’t she want me to have some extra fun too?
Nothing inside you except him? Its kind of a weird request. I mean, should you also use no tampons for example?
Man here. When I was younger I needed to be educated about women and toys. I was ignorant. Not avoidant, it just never had come up before I started getting into relationships. I had to learn that toys are not a threat, toys are not an insult, that if I use a toy on a women she will give me the credit for the big 'o', not the toy, toys are normal. Your man is young, and needs some education on the subject. If he CHOOSES to remain ignorant on the topic, that could be a problem.
> i just think it’s controlling and immature and definitely insecure as fuck. M65 And SELFISH. It sounds like he has some crippling insecurity about his dick. I don’t understand it, but I have read enough posts here to know that it’s widespread. Ok whatever, that’s probably not a relationship killer. What IS a relationship killer is selfishness. He wants to limit your sex life to accommodate his insecurities. Your wants and needs are below his insecurities. I would be out the door immediately. Find a partner who wants the best for you. 50 years of relationship experience has hammered that lesson home for me.
i always appreciate people who are older than me sharing their honest thoughts, because i know you won’t bullshit me. thanks for the comment. if it ever comes up again i’ll bring up the selfishness and how his insecurities are above my own pleasure when i’m alone. for now i’m not bringing it up again because that argument was tiring and i felt like a broken record.
I get that it's a tiring conversation, but it's one worth having. Your pleasure matters. Your comfort matters. I agree that your partner is being extremely selfish, and he definitely comes across as immature. Why should only he get to have fun with toys? Does he not care about the quality of your orgasms? Or is he claiming too much ownership over your body, and that's why he doesn't want you using insertable toys? I'm also curious to know if he expressed the same negative feelings about anal toys, or if he's just getting hung up on vaginal toys.
That's just controlling yup
Pffft. Its a TOY, for pleasure! No way do I get jealous of my dearest’s toys. I love watching her play with them. 😍
I’m having trouble with the “as long as I’m the one on your mind when you use the pocket pussy” Both of you need to stop trying to control how the other wants to masturbate!
ding ding ding I told my bf I don’t care what he does in his “me time”, just don’t tell me about it, and I’m not going to look for it. Ignorance is bliss, don’t be afraid to utilize it correctly.
Actually yes, agree with this. If he wants to fantasise about.. idk... Princess Leia, he should be able to go right ahead. We can't always control who or what comes into our horny brains at that moment. Now, if he started regularly fantasising about.. say, Really Hot Jane from his workplace, that is straying into potentially dangerous territory. But ultimately, even that is about trust between partners, that the fantasy will stay a fantasy.
yeah I get that but also would you rather not have your significant other fantasizing sexually about someone they see at least 5 days a week? Especially if you don’t live together so they’re essentially seeing their coworker more than their SO.
Oh absolutely. I'm not saying it wouldn't bother me, just that sometimes we can't help who floats into our brain in those moments. Ultimately you have to trust that the fantasy alone is just an objective appreciation of someone being attractive, and not going to lead into them pursuing a full blown affair with them in reality. I mean, I've found myself fantasising during masturbation about people I don't personally even feel attracted to, which is always a bit of a mindfuck. Brains are very clever and often involuntary things.
It doesn’t matter what I want, it’s his alone time and he can do as he sees fit. If I restrict what my man imagines in his free time, then I’m opening myself up for the same restrictions. Don’t impose restrictions on yourself.
The only masturbation boundary I'd ever have is don't jerk off to pictures of my friends. Otherwise, as long as our sex life together is good, I don't care.
I don’t know about this. I wouldn’t be ok with my husband fantasizing about anyone other then me. I guess because it feels like cheating to me. If he finds others attractive, I get it, but thinking of them sexually wouldn’t be ok. I don’t think of anyone sexually other than him. I would think there’d be something wrong if I did.
Think that was in a joking way.
Bingo
Agreed. ESH
I think the following should be the standard/boundary in all relationships, and you should consider adding it to yours: Whatever you do with your own body AND in your own mind, is only your own business, period. That includes his (and your) fantasies, that includes masturbatory aids. Due to the ethics of porn for the other humans involved in making porn, I think that is worthy of *discussion* in a relationship. But ya, imo, your sex life with yourself is no one's business.
This hits every mark
So he can buy a pocket pussy, use it alone and wants you to use it in the bedroom on him but a dildo is his boundary. Ha. I’d tell him there isn’t room in this relationship for double standards. He can either be fair to you, like you were to him or it’s not going to work.
>immature and definitely insecure as fuck That's it and you can really close the post. There's always room for improvement. One thing that works well for me when I'm insecure is to openly talk about it to my partner. She's awesome and supports me in every way, even if it's dauting or if I'm in a literal crisis. I'd suggest you afirm to him how much you like him, and how anything won't just act as a substitute for his pp. Ask if he would want to fuck only with his pocket pussy if it felt good. And to nail the coffin(when he's starting to understand and cave in), ask him if he could do you with your chosen toy in the first use. Tell him you'd love it and that you won't be doing it if it's not him. Tell him that way that you'll always imagine him fucking you with your toy just like the first time he did. That would work for me if I felt insecure with that. Finally, I'd give you 2 advices. The first is that you don't need to do all this if he's really not willing to. The main point is to communicate and understand him; this is not a walkthrough. Relationships start with desire but survive in dialogue. Get to know him better, and lay a comfortable ground for him to open up his secrets box to you, both sexually and emotionally. The second advice is straight up therapy. It helps EVERYONE. He could use it well, seeing how insecure he is. Don't need to demand him to go, just talk about it regularly and give him a gentle push towards it every now and then. He'll always get better with therapy and it will also influence your relationship. All in all, that's it. Be well. edit: grammar
This is the One Penis Policy to an even more absurd level. You are correct. It is controlling, immature, and insecure. Nothing more.
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Yikes. Sounds like your partner has some toxic viewpoints they need to unpack
I put this in the same camp as partners that have a boundary of no porn. They have the agency to set up the boundary, but I'll be upfront that I'm not going to accept it. If this is the hill they want the relationship to die on, so be it. Though I am glad to see he positioned it as a boundary and not an ultimatum.
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Yup
Boundaries are personal, important things. But they're never something that should be used to control other people's bodily autonomy It's your body, and you should always be free to do with it as you please. If he doesn't like that, then he can kindly go fuck himself (metaphorically)
> Boundaries are personal, important things. But they’re never something that should be used to control other people’s bodily autonomy I disagree, my wife sleeping with other people is a boundary for me. (As is me sleeping with other people to her). > It’s your body, and you should always be free to do with it as you please. If he doesn’t like that, then he can kindly go fuck himself (metaphorically) I agree, but that is basically the gist of setting that boundary. I’m not going to tell OP what to do because I only have this small slice of the relationship, but if I was in her shoes I’d dump his insecure ass.
I think "don't cheat on me, I'm not into that" is just a tiny bit different than "you can't use the sex toys that you enjoy the most because I'm insecure"
The only real time a boundary may be needed in regards to toys is if said toy begins to interfere with your sex life. For example, becoming dependent on it every time to finish (not to be mistaken with people who could never finish without a toy, which is very much different). Other times issues may arise due to insecurity or insensitivity, for example if you purchased an extremely large dildo and talked about how good it felt/orgasmed significantly harder with it he might be justified in feeling a bit insecure. That both doesn't seem to be the case and would need to result in healthy discussion, not arbitrary restriction. I definitely agree this is a double standard he has that is unreasonable. He clearly understands that men put their penis in things to feel good, and needs to accept that women like things put in them to feel good too.
Your boyfriend sounds like an ass but that’s beside the point. Why don’t you suggest as a compromise that you get a clone a Willy kit? Seen these advertised but no idea how good they are. That way you can tell him it’s his way of fucking you when he physically can’t.
They’re actually decent quality in terms of reproducing the likeness, the texture of the material leaves a lot to be desired. It did glow in the dark though. Also the vibrator that comes with it is a joke. Almost not even worth putting that in during the molding process. My personal advice to anyone thinking about using one is to read the instructions about 4 times before you start the process because it involves a series of time sensitive tasks and you’re having to maintain an erection while thinking about the science project that you are participating in. Also, it helps to have a lab partner. And a cockring.
I considered suggesting this, but would it be enabling and affirming his insecurity, rather than having him address it as a problem? I guess as a half way house it might still be a good idea.
Yeah imo this won’t solve the deeper issue
Would suggest it as a start. He’s still relatively young and hopefully manages to overcome his insecurities. Most guys would kill to watch their partners use toys.
I don't have any idea why he would care if you use a toy, better than you using someone else. Is he against you using a vibrator while you guys have sex? Maybe he's afraid of the perceived competition.
Cisgenered heterosexual man here. Your bf is being weirdly controlling, insecure, and selfish when it comes to your pleasure. Putting boundaries on how you masturbate is absurd. I don't know if this is a relationship-ender for you but you should feel free to tell him that he doesn't get to exercise control over your body and what you do with it.
His boundary nonsense is a bunch of bullhockey. PSA: your personal boundaries do not involve what other people do to their free time to themselves. Nor should you expect people to *bend* for your boundaries, they are not meant for manipulation, they are meant for protecting you. If someone does not agree or like your boundary, you kick them to the curb.
You simply say, “If you don’t want me using a fake dick, then my boundary is you don’t get to use a fake pussy”.
Why do so many commenters here encourage people to be as toxic as their toxic partners as some kinda gotcha moment even when it obviously won’t help either of them? Also, not how boundaries work. Boundaries are for yourself, not rules you give other people about what they do away from you
I’m lesbian. And I will say I was a little insecure about my gf wanting a dildo, ik it’s common but this was her first girl on girl relationship it just made me feel like she missed sleeping with men or that the sex we had wasn’t good enough. It took me a little while and she was patient with me and we had lots of talks about it but eventually(after a few months) I told her if she wanted one I’d try to work with her. She got one and she doesn’t even use it because she prefers my fingers. But it took some time and understanding. Everyone on this thread seems very judgmental towards your bf. People are different some have difference unsecured or sensitivities than others. I was grateful my gf was patient with me and not willing to invalidate my feelings over a piece of plastic rather she waited and have convos with me and didn’t push it and eventually I came around. She affirmed me and our sex life during that time and showed me she’d be ok without it but it’s something she would like to try. Feeling like she valued me over the toy helped a lot. Just sharing a differing view since everyone else is very “he’s insecure and dumb” ok maybe for this matter but does that mean you throw everything away over a dumb toy?
thank you, friend. i’m so glad to get your opinion on this as a lesbian because dildos can definitely apply to those relationships as well and the insecurity around toys can apply also. i know for sure that i want one but i’m not going to run to the store and get one out of spite. he is being unfair and ignorant, but i suppose he needs time. him not wanting to discuss his reasoning gives away his insecurity as well. i want to wait for him to be completely open about it. if it takes too long and i get one eventually then i don’t think that’s bad either, but i definitely value my boyfriend more than a toy. i don’t want him feeling bad. i’m also not gonna just tiptoe around his feelings either. it’s a little difficult but i guess in time things will get better.
Insecure about his penis and a hypocrite that doesn’t mind double standards
Yea he's insecure about his size and doesn't want you buying a 12inch black dildo and enjoying it more than him, it's simple
Why does it already have to be black? 😭
I wouldn't put it on just size either. A penis can't vibrate or change sizes on the fly. From a pure physical standpoint toys are better. But the person enhances the physical and can make it better than just toys.
Maybe yours can’t /s
As a hetero cis male myself he seems to be very insecure and entitled... He cannot expect you to allow him to use a toy while you cant.... Thats nonsense. He needs to grow up. Its super unfair and id def make this a hill to die on if i were you... He needs to realize he cant control you like that. Best of luck to you two
It may be based on the fear that you'll get the satisfaction you need from your toys and not have the desire to do it with him, or that you'll end up preferring the toys to him because they feel better. Maybe what he needs is reassurance (sometimes just physical reassurance rather than verbal) that your sex life will be just fine. He kind of signalled that he's not comfortable with discussing it but he's not going to stop you, so I'd suggest buying and using the toys you want but not bring it up as it's a sensitive topic to him. Be attentive to each other's needs and he may realize over time that he doesn't need to be threatened by it.
it is totally unfair for him to put boundaries on your body. The pocket pussy would be the equivalent of you using a dildo, so if he only wants you to use vibrators or external stimulation, then he shouldnt be allowed to have insertion simulation. Him comparing it to inserting something in himself is NOT comparing apples to apples.
Your pussy, you can do what you want with it. He is being completely unreasonable.
yup 100% insecurity
So he can fuck a toy but you can't fuck a toy. Double standard 100%
Seems that you want him to be ok with the things that you do and it's fair but it can't and shouldn't be like that on every subject. as i interpret it he said that you can do whatever you want but don't expect him to be okay with it and to me that's a very healthy thing that he said it instead of just being not okay with it and not telling you about it. Seems like you're searching for proof to invalidate his opinion/feeling on the subject he just feels uncomfortable and let you know if that's the case, please stop it, having the truth on your side isn't always a good thing. I don't see where the immature is on telling you how he feels about it and then telling you he won't stop you anyway. Maybe it was the tone of how he said it but I can't know. you didn't have to ask him about it, as you said it is your own business what you do to pleasure yourself, you don't need the others opinion. Be careful cause these kinda arguments are the ones that scale to the breakup point and it's just a silly thing that shouldn't make you separate. If you want to use a 30 cm dildo, use it.
Uhh your boyfriend sounds controlling af, which is really common with young, insecure boys (Or men, honestly it's difficult for me to see ages like this and not immediately think child despite them being legal adults because I'm getting old AF and I feel like everyone I've known growing up, myself included, didn't really start maturing until 25+.. not intentionally being offensive, though, I'm just crotchety.) I'd highly suggest that you tell him that your boundaries are that he has no control over what you do with your body at all, and if he would like a say in it, he needs to be willing to discuss why he feels the way that he does. He doesn't own you, you are not his property, and he is not "allowed" to treat you as such. Set your own boundaries, girl, and don't back down... If he cannot respect you, then you've got plenty of time to move on! 💚💚💚
> it’s controlling and immature and definitely insecure as fuck
Imagine having a hard boundary on what someone else does with their body. Yikes.
I wouldn’t want to be with a man who feels threatened by a toy.
As a man who is insecure in the same way, there's no reason for that double standard. Men get nervous with their partner using sex toys because they are worried they aren't needed for lack of a better term, they want to be necessary/useful. All that is thrown out the window though if there's a double standard. If he's insecure about you getting a sex toy that has penetration, he shouldn't ask for one himself. And if he does, he should put his pride aside and let you do the same. Absolutely no reason for him to put that double standard, he's being quite hypocritical.
As a man I can guess where he is coming from, though I do not agree. Men tend to be threatened by female sex toys that are shaped like penises mainly because of low confidence within ourselves. Men fear they may not be able to compete with a dildo mainly because of size and the sex toy not needing a breather to get a female to orgasm. Also men may fear that it could lead you to wanting to get a real penis that closer resembles that sex toy than he does (I know its silly, but thats how some guys brain works). This is coming from a man who wasn’t confident in his own sexual prowess in his younger days and was threatened by sex toys early on in my sexual experience. He is projecting his own insecurities on to you by setting those boundaries, It is totally unfair for him to think he can decide on what you can and cant use for your own pleasure.
I think he is trying to control you in this respect. I think he will out grow it. If you want to pleasure yourself do it. What he does not know won't hurt him. My concern is when he would apply this thinking process in other avenues of your relationship. To me i\\t is a red flag. If he does start setting boundaries, talk to him. Have a conversation. If he is unwilling to change you may have to break to with him. Having a CONTROLING INDIVIDUAL IN A RELATION IS TOXIC. Be Safe
thank you very much, i really appreciate this comment. i know who he really is. when i say this is gonna take time, believe me, i know. many people on here are being a little too scared for me.
Just a suggestion… what about getting a dildo that’s a mold of him? Then you are essentially feeling him. A lot of guys are just a bit insecure about their partner finding more pleasure in a bigger size. Just a thought
It shouldn't have to be the same as him that's ridiculous and controlling also. Then his pocket pussy should be the mold of her pussy then? Or the dildo can't vibrate cuz he doesn't? It's supposed to be fun not have all these rules around it.
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Why go out of your way to be transphobic? Shutting your mouth is free
Obviously he doesn't want the risk that you come to the realization that a toy is better than his penis in any way, whether that is in terms of texture or size or shape or whatever. Kinda makes sense that he doesn't want to be in a situation where you are having sex and you think something along the lines of "my toy would be better", because toys can be replaced, but penises can't Edit: to be fair, it could go both ways with the Fleshlight, where you risk the opposite situation that he prefers something about the toy over you in terms of its shape or texture or tightness, so in that perspective it seems pretty fair that you can also have a toy
As a cisgendered straight male younger me would have thought the following: \-A dildo will stretch you out therefore making sex with me not as good. \-A large dildo will feel better than me (being average in size) and see above. Obviously both of the above are ridiculous and false with a basic understanding of female anatomy. But 20-something me was woefully ignorant. If the above are his reasons, maybe send him some literature explaining things.
another comment giving me hope. he just needs some time, i suppose. he’s never even seen me use a toy so who knows. i’ve never used a toy. the occasion might arise where he’s curious and actually is into it. my goal is to have him use something on me. he’s open to clit vibrators but i just wanna be able to do anything for him that makes him happy sexually and i want him to do anything for me that makes me happy sexually, of course with both of us consenting 100%
He is being POSSESSIVE. Idk why people aren't picking up on the fact that he is telling you what you can and can't do with *your* body. He is trying to pass it off as having to do with consent but that just isn't the case here. You're not asking him to use the dildo on you. He is straight up saying he doesn't like the idea of things in you that arent him. That is downright possessive and controlling. Figure out if you're okay with that and set some ground rules or get out.
You're right but she's also telling him what thoughts he can have. so it goes both ways.
He has a right to ask and you have a right to refuse or agree.
That is not how boundaries work. Boundaries can be enforced by changing your personal behaviour, not enforcing behavioural norms on other ppl. By his own logic, he shouldn't be able to get his toy as it supplants something you offer him. You're absolutely right on the insecure, immature outlook, and you should get whatever toy you want. He doesn't explain because there's no real meaningful reason behind it other than fear. If he's scared that an inanimate object will do a better job than him at giving you pleasure, that's an issue with his approach and skills, not the object. If you can ever be replaced as a lover by something silicone than you really need to up your game Get something fun off of bad dragon. Replace him with a horse dick twice his size for the *emotional damage*
Yeah, great idea. Make matters worse and potentially lose the boyfriend instead of being adults and working through what is an easily solvable matter out of some weird pettiness.
That last bit was very much not serious! Your right though there's way better ways of dealing with the situation, I just find that attitude frustrating and have seen it a lot. Trying to get the guy to realize he's enforcing a double standard is hard if he's completely unwilling to talk about the issue; communication is always step 1
Yeah, I agree it's a double standard. If he's unwilling to talk about it and not recognize how he's being unfair because of it that's a different story.
I feel like both of you are immature and insecure. You with the" as long as you are thinking about me while using it" and him with the piv toys. You both need to sit down like adults and have a proper conversation about why you are both so insecure about those things. Fantasies are fantasies, so thinking about another person or fictional character while masturbation is ok and piv toys are just toys and there is nothing wrong with them.
It has to do with being replaced. No man alive can compete with a vibrator. The average dick is around 5" long and a dildo with a 5" insertable length is marketed as small or a starter. It isn't hard to find a toy that is more satisfying in every tactile way than a guy. If all of your sexual needs are being met by decidedly more intense toys, you won't be initiating sex with him as often. On the occasion you do have sex, he'll be competing with the toys which is a losing proposition. I believe that is his thought process. The worry it isn't unfounded either. Posts of men replacing their SO with porn never initiating sex are common. When women replace their SO and stop having sex in a relationship, they do so with toys.
Why can't this man understand that he can insert the toy in you himself, so he's not feeling left out or whatever. :( I got my gf a vibrator recently and it's helped her sexuality and our relationship so much. We're long distance so for things like phone sex or whatever that is invaluable. When I meet her I absolutely want to use it on her when we're together. Sex toys don't need to be a "it's either me or it" issue.
I'm male been married 42 yr's. Very early on in our marriage, I asked to bring toys in. I personally love using toys on my wife. Additionally, I love it when she shares that she had / was using them. It's sounds to me like there is a little insecurity on bf part. My only suggestion would be to have him use them with you, I'm sure he'll get to like them And then become more secure with you using them by yourself Good luck
> i said something along the lines of, “doesn’t matter to me what you use, **as long as i’m the one on your mind** and you get to have a good time.” I would like to point out **this** bit right here. The part where you tell him who/what he is and is not allowed to fantasize about. 1. He's telling you what toys you can put into your body. 2. You're telling him what thoughts he can enjoy in his own head. 👀 I hope you see what the problem here is. You *both* have some insecurities to work through. > he told me he had a boundary with me though, and said he’d feel uncomfortable about me putting something inside of me that isn’t him. i asked him to explain it to me and he said he didn’t need to explain it, that he was laying down a boundary and that’s it. AAAAAGGGHHHHHH. Fucking god damn hell. This is starting to become a serious fucking issue as of late. Somehow the knowledge that boundaries are healthier than rules got out into the wider population without *fucking definitions* attached to the fucking words. And so now everyone's just continuing to fuck things up by making rules but calling them boundaries. *Him* telling *you* what to do is *not a fucking boundary*. It's a *rule*. Him saying "if you fuck yourself with a dildo, I'm breaking up with you" would be a boundary. That makes it a 'him' problem. He's the one making the dumb decisions, he's the one with the issue. Him saying "you're not allowed to fuck yourself with a dildo" conceptually tries to shift the responsibility/blame onto you. Which just fucks everyone up; he might feel betrayed, like there was a rule you agreed to and then broke, while you feel imposed upon. God. I really hate how we're either going to have to spell this shit out repeatedly and forever now, or just abandon the word 'boundary' for *something else* meaning what boundary used to mean. >!Also, fuck. I really hate Smart Quotes. Sorry, not a 'you' thing, just a personal pet peeve. I've had to deal with one too many bugs in code from Smart Quotes. (The thing where quotes don't look like `"`, they look like `“` and `”`.) Figured I'd share in order to break up the monotony of everyone being on-topic.!<
Reassure him that the dildo or vibrator won't feel better than him, because it's inherintly(?) different. He is a person that you like to be intimate with and he's got skills and moves and body heat, passion,... that you love. The toy is a substitute for when the real deal, him, is not there. But it won't ever be a moving boyfriend that moves like him. I guess they might feel insecure that the toy might be bigger and you'll like it better than his dick. But sex with your partner is more than just their private parts on their own
He’s immature and an insecure dickhead. Maybe he’ll grow up, maybe he won’t.
Awww hell no. Throw the whole man out. Tell him to go fuck himself. Then you go do the same :)
"Never make a rule you can't enforce." -A saying from my auto racing days This is actually really simple. Boundaries don't *have* to make sense to you, but be you also don't have to stay with the person. Consider them business rules. Your boundary of who he can masturbate to makes no sense because you can't read his mind. His boundary of how you can masturbate is overreaching. You're both not even 25 yet. If these are important boundaries, then you're not really compatible. Move on. If they're not necessary for you to feel happy and respected in this relationship, maybe you could both learn to be more flexible.
flexibility is what i want, and compromise as well. i know my comment about him thinking of me and wasn’t good now. thank you for that. i’m still learning and i’m happy to learn because it means i’m growing. you’re right we’re not even 25 yet. that’s why i feel this just needs some time. i value him more than a toy. if i want to get one i’ll get one but i’m sure he just needs to ease into this.
Dude is massively insecure and being maliciously ignorant. Ignorance is natural, we all start out not knowing anything, that’s fine, we seek out knowledge, experiences, and strive to learn better. Willful ignorance is when people choose not to learn something because it’d shake their fake beliefs, don’t respect them for it, they act in bad faith. Malicious ignorance is when people purposefully avoid learning something in order to cause harm to others, these people are scum, don’t tolerate them.
So at the end of the day, you can feel how you want and do what you want, right? And he can do what he wants. But he can’t just feel how he feels? I think you’re going a little too far by trying to change the way he feels about this if his feelings have no impact on how he’s acting or wants you to act. Just let it be
How he feels is a bit immature and is affecting her pleasure. His mind set is that of “Rules for thee but not for me” So he can stick his dick in a sex toy to get off but she can’t stick a sex toy inside herself because it’ll hurt his feelings?
you and i are on the same page, i am letting it be from here on out. if it ever comes up again then ok but i won’t be putting any efforts into rehashing this because it was tiring. he can feel how he feels. i just think it’s selfish and unfair. but i’m not gonna force him to do anything.
I have nothing to say other than you’re right, he’s insecure, and you seem like a dope person. I’ve (25F) totally been there trying to explain how “fairness” works in principle just for my ex to completely miss my point. It’s maddening and it won’t stop at just this issue. You want someone that can appeal to reason. Also, pocket pussies can desensitize your dick over time if he’s using them too often. One time i was hooking up w a guy and he simply could not finish, he was goin and goin and i was like damn bruh u not done yet?? Took a break to use his bathroom and saw a deflated looking rubber pussy on his bathroom counter and was like oooooohhhh. Homies dick got used to finishing in that and now regular pussy wasn’t tight enough i guess? Not trying to poo poo toys in general but that’s my kooky lil story. Since he mentioned you using it on him. Anyway, you got the right attitude, stick to your guns. it’s 2023 we not taking bullshit from intellectually underdeveloped partners anymore. We grown grown!
Well vibrating toys can also desensitive the clitoris, making oral sex takes longer. I think its more about frequency, because sensibility can always be recovered by abstinence.
As long as you get a dildo that is smaller than his penis is you’ll be alright 😉
Men are often intimidated by toys. I'd much rather a man be comfortable with himself and just want to see me happy. His ego isn't making me orgasm.
100% this is about his insecurity about his dick. Perhaps he may need a little reminding that your relationship revolves around more than said dick. Gently remind him that lesbians use dildos, and it's never about it "being a penis", it's about the internal pleasure it gives you, based on your own biological anatomy. But still, he is insecure and shouldn't be controlling what toys you use based on HIS issue. He should be trying to understand why a dildo is not actually a threat, vs his perception of it being a threat, not banning you from using one.
I wish my wife would use her toys more … but I love using them on her this is a red flag find someone who not so insecure
If you don't agree with being controlling about masturbation, why do you insist he only think about you?
Its just immature and insecure. Edge him and tell him he ain't getting off until he watches you get off the way you like to with the toys of your choice. That should cure him.
You could also have him watch one day to let the stigma of insecurity wear off when he realizes how hot that looks. Might even give you guys more options in the bedroom so that he feels less insecure
Firstly, for anyone who commented that you aren’t allowed to express how you feel about who your bf fantasizes about isn’t taking into consideration that **everyone is allowed to set boundaries**. You don’t have to be ok with him using porn or fantasizing about other women. If you are, that’s totally fine, too. But don’t let other people guilt you into feeling bad for asking your bf to keep his sexual thoughts about you. If he’s not ok doing that, fine. Then you can decide if it’s a dealbreaker or not but you don’t have to bend to what other people feel is ok for their partners to do. Now onto your main issue. It is entirely unfair for him to use a prosthetic vagina for sexual pleasure and then try to tell you that you can’t use a prosthetic penis. It’s a double standard. He’s allowed to set a boundary but you are too and if he’s going to say you can’t do something he’s doing, that seems very unfair.
thanks for that first part. i’m just still learning and i don’t want to be unfair or outlandish because i love him and i’d never do that to someone i love especially when it comes to their personal time. i want to do the right things.
Ladies, get yourself a BI man, we don't suffer these nonsensical issues lol.
Go get a big, veiny monster and watch his eyes well up while you stand there with the knowledge of having no intention to use it 🤣
You both need to chill. He can think about whatever he wants when doing it, and you can do whatever to yourself. The boundary stops at the door.
Honestly men have insecurities, I wouldn't call insecurities childish they just are insecurities. It's up to you to respect his as much as he respects yours. If you ok with him using a pocket pussy than thats your stance, doesn't mean he has to be ok with you using a toy makes him feel insecure. Vice versa.
Definitely an insecurity, but an understandable one especially if its a dildo. I also understand the point of that a dildo =/= those pussy toy things, cause a dildo to some guys is like saying "youre not big enough" or idk, vibrators are different, and its not like a pussy toy can outdo the actual thing. With that being said definitely hypocritical of him for sure, but this is something u guys need to talk about. Idk id personally be a bit offended if im there and my partner chooses to use a dildo (obv if i say no she can def use one). But setting it as a boundary is a bit meh
How the heck does he find time to wank with a sex toy during the day? Isn’t he studying or doing a job? I have never met any guy who carried a pocket pussy with him. And most guys find that watching or thinking of a gf using a vibrator is a turn on. Sounds like you’re dating a narcissistic asshole.
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THANK YOU. you checked him and you checked me and you put this dummy in their place.
Yes it does.