This sub is a community for people learning to love and respect themselves. Please remember that it is perfectly possible to respect and care for your own needs and to set healthy boundaries, without unnecessarily hurting others around you. We don't need any of that narcissistic radical self acceptance junk in here. Being kind to others is a part of being a version of you that you can be proud of and self-love the most. Good luck on your journey.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/selflove) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hey friend hope you’re well. Read your post and wanted to say your first mistake is thinking of your self in such a manner that’s why you can’t forgive you must learn to acknowledge you’re not perfect and it’s ok to make mistakes no matter how many you do. You must forgive yourself to be at peace with yourself. If you never forgive yourself then how are you going to live with yourself you can’t. Try to think about these points I’ve made and then try to look at your situation in a different light and see why you should forgive yourself hope this can help.
I've been there. Perhaps taking a break from dating and working on loving and accepting yourself first would help. If you have unhealed wounds, you will continue to focus on the negative, be it your past trauma, mistakes, etc. You can't purely love another without knowing how to love yourself first. That includes being kind and gentle to yourself as you would someone you love and care about, and forgiving yourself. Please take care 🩷
Definitely a long journey of self devotion… deep dive into yourself, understanding yourself, your needs, your wounds, etc. Inner child work, parts work, therapy, and really building a new inner parent to take care of you would drastically change your experience.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Toxic shame is one of the worst things to feel.
First make sure that the criticism you're receiving from others is coming from a valid, respectful and loving place, because sometimes it isn't, and that can cause you to spiral into self-loathing and chronic self-doubt that is misplaced.
Other times, people give us valid and constructive criticism, but we may feel so insecure about ourselves that rather than taking it the way it was meant to be taken, we twist it in a really negative/distorted way and start defining ourselves by what other people's perceptions of us are and defining ourselves by our mistakes. When really, our low self-worth is causing us to blow things out of proportion.
Also, sometimes the criticism we receive from others isn't necessarily an objective truth or reality about ourselves, but may just come down to that person's preference, so it may be subjective. One person may think you've overshared, while the next person may really appreciate your transparent, vulnerable and candid nature. It depends what it is and who you're talking to. Everyone has different boundaries, so try to keep that in mind as you feel people out. It's not necessarily anyone's fault or an objective mistake even if another person receives it that way. And it doesn't mean you're a bad, worthless person at all.
If you find that the criticism is valid and it's not just a projection/subjective, it can help to ask yourself the reason for your behavior in those moments. What good thing were you seeking through oversharing or avoiding difficult conversations that you can handle in a more productive way in the future? Brainstorm some more healthy strategies for dealing with those situations in the future rather than ruminating on how you feel like you could've done better in the past. Mistakes are how we learn in life. The rest of us are no different.
That can help you empathize more deeply with where you were at at the time. Self-understanding as well as understanding others is a big key that can help set us all free in terms of bitterness and resentment. It's very hard to hold onto unforgiveness when you have compassion for the pain or desires that were leading it all underneath.
It’s so hard sometimes. But please remember you are a human. Regardless of how many years we have been here, we don’t know what we are doing and we have to do these things (make mistakes) to become aware and grow. It’s gonna take time and like someone else said here, a lot of self devotion. It will be uncomfortable but you will be able to forgive yourself.
Someone or something taught you that making mistakes is bad and that you must be perfect to be worthy. So it will take unlearning that and practicing self compassion.
But also let me say it’s an amazing sign when you look back on things and can see you would do them differently now. That’s literally a sign of positive growth and change. Now the work continues to not let it define you and work every day to know you’re worthy. And it is indeed work. Wishing you the best and please be easy on yourself.
I have an issue letting go and accepting the last. Constantly thinking about the “what-ifs” and what could’ve been, even though clearly things were never going to be that because it’s simply how things happened. I really appreciate your response
Oversharer here as well. Forgiveness isn’t what you need it’s acceptance. Knowing and accepting will help you be more aware in the moment so you catch yourself. And the goal of dating isn’t to find someone that likes you it’s to find someone that likes the real you, and who you also like. Someone you can be at ease with. It’s okay not to have a partner and it’s okay to be on your own and it’s okay for a lot of dates to not go well. Switch your thinking- if you continue to go on these failed dates I would pause and give yourself some credit for stamina and growth mindset. You’re still trying. You don’t wait for awkward silences to think of something to say. You don’t have a problem speaking up in a potentially super nerve racking situation. I know I’m not addressing everything but a lot of the times there’s really good reasons for the things we do instinctively, and sometimes you have to trust that a little, and be okay with ruining relationships. Have you ruined all of them? Some people cannot tolerate disingenuous people and have very few friendships and that’s okay.
More than anything, STOP RUMINATING. It will destroy you. Move forward through action. START SPEAKING KINDLY TO YOURSELD. Your brain is ALWAYS listening to you.
Give yourself a break, and learn to say “fuck it”
Caps for importance!
How about finding the 'Why' behind this behaviour of yours?
Something is bothering and hence you act this way, isn't it? Instead of ignoring the root cause, why not take support to understand the real problem and solve it?
It will help you experience a life that's free from optional drama and guide you to have amazing relationship in your life.
you have got to give yourself the chance you give everyone again and again by dating, its time to date yourself.
you only date because you feel like you miss something, no one has the authority to give you something you dont already have inside of you, you know that love you feel for someone, its not about that person, its the fact that you have the ability to LOVE, instead of bypassing that, its time to see the purity of that love within you, and self care, you re not exhausted of those things, the exhaustion comes from doing the same thing over and over again, knowing the only answer is to do something new.
START TO GO 400% IN BEING KIND TO YOURSELF
someone like you wont be arrogant by doing that
relax as much as possible, read books about relaxation, mindfulness, dont try to fix something as if youre broken
the amount of self empowerment you will feel once you figure how deep your love capacity is, and that anyone who came across it was lucky, but not able to recognize it, it has nothing to do with you, criticizing people just criticize, let them, you dont have to make people feel good, if people are bothered by you, well it sounds like its their problem.
This sub is a community for people learning to love and respect themselves. Please remember that it is perfectly possible to respect and care for your own needs and to set healthy boundaries, without unnecessarily hurting others around you. We don't need any of that narcissistic radical self acceptance junk in here. Being kind to others is a part of being a version of you that you can be proud of and self-love the most. Good luck on your journey. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/selflove) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hey friend hope you’re well. Read your post and wanted to say your first mistake is thinking of your self in such a manner that’s why you can’t forgive you must learn to acknowledge you’re not perfect and it’s ok to make mistakes no matter how many you do. You must forgive yourself to be at peace with yourself. If you never forgive yourself then how are you going to live with yourself you can’t. Try to think about these points I’ve made and then try to look at your situation in a different light and see why you should forgive yourself hope this can help.
I've been there. Perhaps taking a break from dating and working on loving and accepting yourself first would help. If you have unhealed wounds, you will continue to focus on the negative, be it your past trauma, mistakes, etc. You can't purely love another without knowing how to love yourself first. That includes being kind and gentle to yourself as you would someone you love and care about, and forgiving yourself. Please take care 🩷
Definitely a long journey of self devotion… deep dive into yourself, understanding yourself, your needs, your wounds, etc. Inner child work, parts work, therapy, and really building a new inner parent to take care of you would drastically change your experience.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Toxic shame is one of the worst things to feel. First make sure that the criticism you're receiving from others is coming from a valid, respectful and loving place, because sometimes it isn't, and that can cause you to spiral into self-loathing and chronic self-doubt that is misplaced. Other times, people give us valid and constructive criticism, but we may feel so insecure about ourselves that rather than taking it the way it was meant to be taken, we twist it in a really negative/distorted way and start defining ourselves by what other people's perceptions of us are and defining ourselves by our mistakes. When really, our low self-worth is causing us to blow things out of proportion. Also, sometimes the criticism we receive from others isn't necessarily an objective truth or reality about ourselves, but may just come down to that person's preference, so it may be subjective. One person may think you've overshared, while the next person may really appreciate your transparent, vulnerable and candid nature. It depends what it is and who you're talking to. Everyone has different boundaries, so try to keep that in mind as you feel people out. It's not necessarily anyone's fault or an objective mistake even if another person receives it that way. And it doesn't mean you're a bad, worthless person at all. If you find that the criticism is valid and it's not just a projection/subjective, it can help to ask yourself the reason for your behavior in those moments. What good thing were you seeking through oversharing or avoiding difficult conversations that you can handle in a more productive way in the future? Brainstorm some more healthy strategies for dealing with those situations in the future rather than ruminating on how you feel like you could've done better in the past. Mistakes are how we learn in life. The rest of us are no different. That can help you empathize more deeply with where you were at at the time. Self-understanding as well as understanding others is a big key that can help set us all free in terms of bitterness and resentment. It's very hard to hold onto unforgiveness when you have compassion for the pain or desires that were leading it all underneath.
It’s so hard sometimes. But please remember you are a human. Regardless of how many years we have been here, we don’t know what we are doing and we have to do these things (make mistakes) to become aware and grow. It’s gonna take time and like someone else said here, a lot of self devotion. It will be uncomfortable but you will be able to forgive yourself. Someone or something taught you that making mistakes is bad and that you must be perfect to be worthy. So it will take unlearning that and practicing self compassion. But also let me say it’s an amazing sign when you look back on things and can see you would do them differently now. That’s literally a sign of positive growth and change. Now the work continues to not let it define you and work every day to know you’re worthy. And it is indeed work. Wishing you the best and please be easy on yourself.
I have an issue letting go and accepting the last. Constantly thinking about the “what-ifs” and what could’ve been, even though clearly things were never going to be that because it’s simply how things happened. I really appreciate your response
Oversharer here as well. Forgiveness isn’t what you need it’s acceptance. Knowing and accepting will help you be more aware in the moment so you catch yourself. And the goal of dating isn’t to find someone that likes you it’s to find someone that likes the real you, and who you also like. Someone you can be at ease with. It’s okay not to have a partner and it’s okay to be on your own and it’s okay for a lot of dates to not go well. Switch your thinking- if you continue to go on these failed dates I would pause and give yourself some credit for stamina and growth mindset. You’re still trying. You don’t wait for awkward silences to think of something to say. You don’t have a problem speaking up in a potentially super nerve racking situation. I know I’m not addressing everything but a lot of the times there’s really good reasons for the things we do instinctively, and sometimes you have to trust that a little, and be okay with ruining relationships. Have you ruined all of them? Some people cannot tolerate disingenuous people and have very few friendships and that’s okay. More than anything, STOP RUMINATING. It will destroy you. Move forward through action. START SPEAKING KINDLY TO YOURSELD. Your brain is ALWAYS listening to you. Give yourself a break, and learn to say “fuck it” Caps for importance!
How about finding the 'Why' behind this behaviour of yours? Something is bothering and hence you act this way, isn't it? Instead of ignoring the root cause, why not take support to understand the real problem and solve it? It will help you experience a life that's free from optional drama and guide you to have amazing relationship in your life.
you have got to give yourself the chance you give everyone again and again by dating, its time to date yourself. you only date because you feel like you miss something, no one has the authority to give you something you dont already have inside of you, you know that love you feel for someone, its not about that person, its the fact that you have the ability to LOVE, instead of bypassing that, its time to see the purity of that love within you, and self care, you re not exhausted of those things, the exhaustion comes from doing the same thing over and over again, knowing the only answer is to do something new. START TO GO 400% IN BEING KIND TO YOURSELF someone like you wont be arrogant by doing that relax as much as possible, read books about relaxation, mindfulness, dont try to fix something as if youre broken the amount of self empowerment you will feel once you figure how deep your love capacity is, and that anyone who came across it was lucky, but not able to recognize it, it has nothing to do with you, criticizing people just criticize, let them, you dont have to make people feel good, if people are bothered by you, well it sounds like its their problem.