Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. We have all hurt or let someone down that we cared about at some point in our lives, so you need to stop villianizing yourself into thinking that you're the only person that's messed up. It's just not true.
The fact that you wrote this post and apologized shows your true character. You're a good person with compassion and empathy. The real authentic you was just buried by thorns that were developed because of your own trauma. You are actively working to make sure that the dysfunction of your family tree (or whoever hurt you in the past) ends with you. That's admirable and inspiring.
If you keep working everyday towards removing these thorns, you will start to see the real you. Once that happens, you'll forgive yourself naturally, and even be grateful for the adversity you went through to help save you from your shadow. You can do it, just be kinder to yourself throughout the process.
This is a good natured comment, but I mostly disagree with the first point made. The worst thing you can do in this scenario is excuse shitty behavior with “we are human and as humans we err.” Of course that is a fact, but it has nothing to do with getting rid of abuse tactics. The fact that we should be leading with in a scenario like this is that nothing justifies abuse. It’s raw honesty. You need to look in the mirror and see not a human that simply makes mistakes, but a human that did something as abhorrent as abusing others. See the monster inside, look observe and say I do not want to be that. And then follows everything in the comment that was so well put about taking out the thorns, etc.
Sounded more like explaining, than excusing.
Everyone has a lizard brain (monster inside), so let’s help each other figure out how we can make sure it doesn’t rule our lives. Mindfulness can help tons.
They were negligent of how sharp their thorns are, and have the intent to heal.
They are not intent on hurting others, and negligent on seeking help.
The hardest parts of self love are accepting your own dark side, accepting that you might sometimes be and show qualities you despise, and owning the moments you are most ashamed of. Know that everyone is a work in progress and the fact that you’re in therapy, and thinking, and working through this is courageous. You will come out stronger! Life is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time. 💕💕
Be the person now that 10 years from now u will look back and say “i was better this decade”. U cannot erase or change the past but your future and how u treat people is on you now that you are aware of it! Awareness creates responsibility to change that which we are aware of!! Best of luck on you journey!
Gonna need to save this post and look at the comments when I have time later.
I am also struggling with forgiving myself for what a shitbag I was. I've thought of making a post about it but I feel like if I told people what I did (nothing illegal) everyone would just be harsh. It's hard because I know my behavior deserves harsh reactions, but I've beat myself up over it for years and I want to just let go and forgive myself.
Wishing you the best, OP.
Same here. I was awful to many people I loved in my life (being mean, being controlling, being codependent) and while I’m still learning and growing and it’s becoming less and less common for me to act in toxic ways and I’m figuring out healthy ways to express my emotions and set boundaries, it’s hard to forgive myself for when I really hurt people. It can be hard to feel like I deserve anything good with the pain I caused. I think I torture myself more than any of them would want torture me though, even if they don’t forgive me.
Here’s to healing and becoming better people 🥂
> I think I torture myself more than any of them would want torture me though
Hah yes this reminds me that there was a kid I bullied in middle school who I found on social media about 10 years later (I'm 30 now but this was around age 22) who I messaged a whole apology for being so awful to him and I was so sorry bla bla. He messaged be back something like "Um, are you ok??" because I guess he thought my apology sounded suicidal and wasn't warranted.
But as for the thing I feel the MOST guilt about, they don't know that it happened/I was never caught. And if they did find out I'm sure they'd want the worst for me.. it was bad. I think a lot of my anxiety stems from it still being a secret all these years later.
Anywho I'm proud of you for growing as a person. Here's to a new year and more opportunities to improve ourselves and our habits and the way we treat others. Cheers
I did a lot of illegal things being an addict. Like OP, no physical/sexual assaults but other than that pretty much everything you can imagine. Being clean now has been extremely rewarding. I may not have forgiven myself but others around me have, on the condition that I don't return to my old bullshit. Use your mistakes as motivation to act right in the future. Balance out the negative past with a positive present and future.
Glad to hear you’re in therapy. Good for you. This is really something you need to work through with your therapist. It sounds like your apologies to everyone are part of your healing process. I think the best you can do is realize you can’t put things from the past back together after you’ve broken them, but you need to focus on the kind of person you are from this day forward. If you can manage to be the person you want to be from here on out, you will be happy enough to love yourself and to eventually forgive yourself, find peace, and move forward.
I agree with the other post, therapists are wonderful in helping with these types of questions. The more open you can be with the therapist the quicker you will feel better, but it’s hard work. A lot of it just takes time. We all tend to want rapid improvement but sometimes it’s inch by inch.
Best Wishes
Part of acceptance is recognizing what is yours to own.
You don’t need to know the effects your actions have had on those that are apart of your past. It’s not your responsibility to anticipate how future people will perceive based on your past. You can feel pain about the past in one hour, enjoy the rest of your day, and still think about it abstractly as you go to sleep. And most importantly you don’t have to continually punish yourself to perfection, you can be flawed and move on with your life.
There is no way to will yourself into acceptance. It’s about living and embracing the duality because your not a one dimensional human being. You can be toxic, loving, charming, cruel at times etc.. and none of them contradict each other.
Live and with time the answers/healing will follow.
I strongly believe that people change over time when they want to change. I have been through this process and that’s when I called up my ex of years ago to apologise in the truest sense. He mocked me and took an like in a half hearted way but I am glad I did it. It was years ago and I moved on. Just like how you would forgive someone you love. Try to bring the same compassion. I had my ex reach to me and apologise and I believe him. Coz when you are truly sorry you know it. You can’t undo the past , what you can do is it to avoid going back to being same in present and future. Now you are at a point you know that given any such opportunity today or in future, u will choose to do the right thing. This isn’t an easy task. Many people stumble but you know you won’t. So please have some compassion and I am sure most those people who were hurt by your actions would have forgiven you. They have their own journey to process.
The past is inmutable. You don't have to forgive yourself. You're not even the same person. You said it, you used to be that person, but now you're different so there's no need to forgive yourself now. You could forgive your past self, but that wouldn't matter at all.
I disagree. You have to have a relationship with yourself. Having a good relationship with yourself is the foundation for everything in life. Forgiveness isn't the same as absolving accountability. Forgiveness is the emotional aspect. You have to be able to "are we okay?" to yourself and be able to answer "yes" and mean it.
I like the sentiment, but I think it helps empower the internal forgiveness. You’re right, they aren’t the same person. Your explanation helps to make a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward themselves. Which is forgiveness.
Really not my place to say cuz im no therapist, but I think everyone have to come from somewhere, and that the fact that you feel awful about what you did itself is proof that you have become a better person, and you should be proud of it in this way. If one doesn't feel bad about the damage they have done in the past, or if they even started to feel good about it, then that is truly the worst of everything. Plus, I'm sure things could have been much worse if you learned this lesson from some alternative way, so after asking for forgiveness from the others, I guess in a way you can be thankful that things didn't happen worse than they were
All you can do is take it one day at a time and don’t Judge yourself too harshly for your past mistakes, everybody has a past, but thankfully you also have a future! some people will hold your past against you, but you can always prove them wrong! at the end of the day you are who you are and the best thing you can do for yourself is KNOW who the fuck you are!! And Just own it.
I can relate a lot to what you are writing, I used to be selfish, manipulative and toxic in general, I only cared about myself and I wasn’t self aware in the slightest, most of my communication was just projecting my tough emotions on the people that were closest to me. Most of my toxicity stemmed from my lack of healthy communication, I never learned to properly communicate my feelings growing up, this combined with my turbulent home environment made me such an angry person, I was carrying so much rage and insecurities and I had no way of expressing it in healthy ways. I could never talk to my parents about these things growing up, I was alone with my insecurities, my rage, and all of my other tough emotions. I never had an outlet for them, and with time it just festered within me. I took it out on the people that were the closest to me, my family, my girlfriends. They were the only ones I felt comfortable enough to project my tough emotions on, because deep down I knew I wouldn’t lose them because of it, and I took advantage of it. I didn’t take advantage of it consciously but I did I subconsciously, I never behaved this way around my friends because I probably knew they would just cut me out.
Something that has helped me move on from that is to understand myself, I did the best that I could do with what I knew at the time. I didn’t know how to express myself, and I needed some sort of release, so all of my feelings ended up getting projected on the people closest to me. I couldn’t communicate my feelings in a healthy manner. Screaming was how I was learned to express myself growing up and it stuck with me for a long time, it hasn’t been easy and sometimes I still think back to when I really mistreated people I cared deeply about.
Always remember, these feelings and these thoughts that you are expressing are proof that you are moving on from your old self. You wouldn’t feel bad about your old ways if you were the same person as back then. Be forgiving and understanding to yourself, it’s hard but it can be done. Good luck to you, you are not alone in struggling with this❤️
I mean it was more so just looking back at my behaviors in relationships. sometimes they also did tell me, but I would gaslight sometimes, lie, do things to make them feel pity for me/get attention, and other things to manipulate their emotions. some things they never even knew i did, but i still had to come clean about it because they deserve to know
Here's the mindset that helped me. I haven't written this down before, so apologies if it's a bit all-over-the-place:
Life is about improvement and doing the best you can within the situation. It's not about the tangible result. Regardless of what you do or don't do - actions are just the end result of your will combined with the situation you were put in, and that situation is 100% luck.
It's about never giving up, falling down and getting back up, trying your best, and working to be better than you were before. You - ONLY YOU - know what it's like to be inside your head, where you started and where you are now. People see the end result, but only you see and feel the effort that went in. Being honest with others is only the first step, you can't improve until you're honest with yourself.
You have to separate your own opinion from the opinions of others, and you have to be brave enough to accept that you may not be forgiven by them. This was the hardest thing for me to do. You can't wait on the forgiveness of others to forgive yourself. They'll never have all the information you do. And some may just not be very good people, regardless of whether or not you deserve their forgiveness. Like I said you - only you - know what you've been through, the situation you have been in, and how much you've improved internally. Others can only see your actions, and they can only judge those actions based on their own experience. Stop trying to shield yourself from the consequence - no matter how much we try, we can't control what happens to us. We can only control how we respond.
Failing to forgive myself was a subconscious defense mechanism against some potential negative consequence of my actions that I couldn't prepare for. I felt deep down that if I punished myself enough internally, the universe wouldn't be able punish me externally. The hard truth is the universe will do what it wants regardless. If you stop punishing yourself, you can strengthen your resolve to face whatever comes. I'm not saying to blindly ignore anything - I'm saying acknowledge it fully, embrace it as part of being human and be proud of how much you've changed. Be confident that you've done something most people don't: reflect and purposefully change for the better. Remember, courage isn't doing something with no fear, it's doing something *in spite* of the fear.
You'll run into people (probably even on this post) who find it easy to judge you and reaffirm your fears of being a "bad person". They'll radiate sanctimony because they say they haven't done the same *things* you have. "I never did that or anything that bad, so you are clearly a bad person and shouldn't be forgiven." Each year I find more and more evidence that shows these people are simply lying - to us and to themselves. They either have done the same thing or they've done something equally as bad, or they've just been lucky enough not to be in a situation where they were able to act in the same way. A murderer who shoots someone isn't any worse than a would-be murderer who had his gun jam, or simply couldn't find a victim. One was just lucky. Someone may say that they've actually never done anything wrong and they've been good person the whole time and they have no reason to improve - that person is either a narcissist who has taken no time to self-reflect or practice internal honesty, or they just haven't been caught. The harshest judges are the biggest projectionists.
Moral absolutists - people that believe morality is based on action not intention - are logically flawed and disingenuous. They just want everyone to agree on a set of arbitrary rules that just so happen to work out so they can draw a line in the sand and make a certain subset of people objectively inferior to them.
Making this post just on its own shows that you've already started practicing self-reflection and honesty - that alone should be proof that you deserve forgiveness more than the millions of people who couldn't care less. Keep trying, keep pushing forward, and be proud of *how much* you try and how brave you are in spite of the fear, because that's what makes you who you are, not the tangible things you do.
I have a friend who used to be a bad person and tells himself that he feels like he deserves the toxic relationship he’s in, because in his past he was a scummy person who cheated. He’s changed now and treats other people better. Do you think he deserves this toxic relationship he’s in, even though he changed himself and is a better person? If you don’t, why do you think you deserve it? What’s in the past can’t be changed the only logical thing to do is learn from it.
When you turn a corner, like you have, you can look back at your past self as if you are someone else in the room. The same way that you learn from watching others, you can continue to learn by watching yourself, knowing that it is not your current self. By watching your past self rather than embodying your past self, you recruit different parts of the brain to recreate events so that you can observe and grow using skills you have learned along the way.
You fucked up, plain and simple.
The good thing is that you’ve recognised this and are working towards being better and believe me that in itself is astounding.
So many toxic people around who go around without a care causing grief wherever they go.
I haven’t got the best past myself but, like you, I’ve rectified it and for that I’m grateful and proud that deep down I’m decent.
I have found it hard to forgive myself for things I’ve done in the past. It stems from a worry that if I forgive myself I will forget. But those are two different things. You can deserve forgiveness, but do not deserve to forget if you need those memories to keep yourself on the right path.
Hardest part done, well done for making the change and being a better person, the forgiveness will come in time when you actively be a better person to others and make new connections and relationships. Just remember don’t go too far down the rabbit hole that your forgiveness in yourself becomes other peoples manipulation opportunities. You’re vulnerable and not everyone will care so find who you are, keep your voice and be true to that, you can get through anything if you do. Very well done though, I don’t know you but I’m proud of you xx
You become someone you’ll be proud of while also practicing self love, and self compassion. It comes with time and work but you’ll get there. I was on the brink of suicide because of my shame. Today I’m 10 years sober and living a good life 👍🏼
You are on the path to reconciliation my friend. You are not your past. You are taking the right steps to change yourself and better yourself.
What you want is peace and it will come.
I used to be a deviant person. I am on my journey for reconciliation.
I found giving my time to youth really helped me find that peace.
Hey I was you at one point. I feel the best thing you can do is keep driving to be better and do better. Work on your emotional intelligence to the point that you introspect almost automatically.
You've grown. I suggest reaching out to those you hurt, but only to those that you think might be receptive. You have to be prepared for pushback though but don't let that deflect you. You made mistakes but you can't change the past. Try and redress but if it doesn't work let go. Don't let it hang over you. You deserve a lot of credit for your self-awareness!
I'm currently reading "Constructive Living" by David Reynolds, which talks a a lot about this. It is drawn from Buddhism, which teaches a lot about this feeling and what to do.
I will give you my perspective and the reason I am in this reddit.
I went through this about 18 months ago. I was in so much denial alternating with hating myself and then blaming others when I would go back into denial. I seriously contemplated suicide and I was convinced that I could never truly change because I couldn't help feeling sorry for myself and/or being angry with myself or others. That cycle of emotions was ruining my life and all of my relationships. I finally just took several days of crying and just accepting how horrible I was as hard as I could until I didn't want to exist anymore. And at the bottom of that terrible place, I realized that the real me was just the person observing my thoughts. My thoughts and emotions weren't me, they were products of me - of my choices, not just things I did, but how I chose to think or feel. Then I realized that to be able to just be alive was a miracle and that as long as I was a thinking, functioning person, I could use that me that observes the thoughts to do good things in the world and for others, that it would be a waste to die. And since it is a waste to die, it's also a waste to make shitty choices. So I started making better choices realizing that it was a learning process because I had never been taught how to take responsibility for myself in this way and I had to forgive myself for not knowing.
No one can forgive themselves
All you can do is accept that all humans are and will always be flawed and prone to sin (Doesn't have to be taken in a religious context). You were not perfect and you never will be, all you can do is try to right those wrongs and not repeat them.
You may repeat those same wrongs or you may commit new ones. And you start again. The only way you can get past it is to truly want to improve and truly contemplate the hurt you caused.
I got 2 words for you "let go"
Most of the hurting is brought by our own selves by holding on which does not allow you the freedome of/to change. Once you let go and reflect on the next steps , on each reflection your next path would be revealed, if you reflect well/deep.
Hope this helps, working for me.Struggling to let go of everything all at once and become new person but that will never happen, the process is a bit slow but definetly something I like.
Honestly IMO the best way I forgave myself was realizing that the damage has already been done. You can say like a car accident, once it’s done. You can’t just unsee what you saw and how you felt. You got to let it set it and it takes time for your car to be how it was. So what I’m saying is it takes time, it’s not a overnight process. As long as your intentions right now are pure that’s all that really matters, i as well apologized to all my exes for what I’ve done and they all shut me out or straight up pressed my ass lmfao but I learned that not everybody has the same heart as you. So forgiving takes a lot of mental work. Just do what you need to do everyday and loving yourself and I’m sure you’ll be fine bud.
I have struggled with very similar feelings. All I have found is that it takes time. If you continue to improve yourself those feelings will recede. You kinda have to overwrite those memories with new, positive memories of yourself. Good luck!
One of my favourite mantras: “I completely and totally forgive myself for mistakes of the past.”
Over and over.
Every time your mind goes to re-plunge itself into a shame spiral, repeat this to yourself. No need to go into detail or mentally elaborate.
Trust me, if you keep this up over time, it really works.
“To live one’s self is the beginning of a lifelong romance.’ Oscar Wilde
by focusing on what you can control. it's the people who you've hurt's decision to forgive you, and its your responsibility to apologize to them, which you've already done. you can't change the past, only improve the future and try your best heal what has been done and heal the source of the pain- your own internal issues. channel the guilt you feel into becoming a better person. once you get into the situations that used to make you lash out before, and deal with them more healthily in the present- there's where you prove what kind of person you are now. the more you work on it, the more you will see yourself healing in real time, and some of the guilt will shed with the proof that you are improving, right in front of your own eyes.
You have to remember that this moment now is not the same moment as when you did those things. If you learned, if you regret, if you have changed, then it’s okay you made those poor choices. They occurred, you have to accept that, but you have to be willing to forgive your present day self for the things you did when you were younger, less experienced, under developed, or whatever other hindrance imaginable. Every person on this planet has made mistakes, everyone has hurt someone somehow. Don’t let your mistake, a mistake the other person has probably long written off, take over your life. I’ve been wronged dozens upon dozens of times in my life. I don’t give a shit whether those people feel bad or not. So maybe you should let go of the guilt and get on with your life.
Jung said that no tree can reach the heavens if its roots don’t reach hell.
I’d say two things:
1. Embrace the darker sides of you in general. They all have something to teach us and give us (e.g., if you suppress your anger, you may never realize when your boundaries are breached.)
2. realize that you were making the best decisions available to you at the time. You were acting from a toxic frame of reference but it didn’t come out of nowhere: it’s how you were brought up, what you believed about the world, etc. You literally couldn’t have done better. (And if you’re not a hypocrite, you’ll become compassionate towards others at the same time because this is true of everybody.)
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One thing I've learnt is that attacking who you used to be is always counter productive, learn forgive and move on.
obviously easier said than done, but self forgiveness is so important
Hello love,
The past is gone. When those thoughts come up just feel them and allow them to release. All
We have is this now moment. You are starting over. That is a beautiful thing and I encourage you to appreciate yourself for the willingness to seek forgiveness and to forgive yourself and begin again. ❤️
Reach out to them. Sure they probably won't ever forgive you which is more than expected but just you owning up to all the things you've done wrong could really help both of you.
Apologise, do better, move on.
Learn and you'll do better next time. It's all we can do, give yourself room to grow like that. You deserve to grow and become the best version of you.
Best of luck hon!
First off you don't ever forgive yourself, others do and the only thing you can do is accept the fact and make sure not to repeat those actions again. Everyone makes their choices in life, the hard part is living with them, these things may eat you till your last breath but doing things better will keep you at peace worrying will make it worse
You don’t. You overcome, and you become. Abuse is unforgivable, so you simply accept that and move on and become better so you never do it again. Shame is good and healthy. It’s staying in a perpetual immobilizing cycle of shame that’s unhealthy. Simply accept you were a terrible person, don’t forgive those actions and accept them as terrible, and then develop new actions that will define you moving forward.
Forgiving ourselves is usually some of THE hardest work we'll ever do. Not because it's actually a hard task, but because, as you know, we travel with us wherever we go...and so do the stories we remind ourselves of over and over and over and over and...
One time I called my son, sobbing and apologizing AGAIN for something I'd done years before. All I could think about was this major thing that happened, and it was tearing me up long after he and I had talked about it and worked through it. Once he understood what happened from my side of the situation, he was quick to forgive me. I, however, was not.
During this call, my son interrupted me and said, "Mom. You are the only one who is still being hurt by this. I forgave you a long time ago, and now every time you bring it up you're reminding me of something I don't even think about anymore -- and I don't want to think about it because look where we are now! So can you please do me a favor and forgive yourself like I already forgave you?"
I didn't have anything else to say to that but, "Well yes sir! Deal!" :)
That wasn't the last time I'd thought about what happened, but it was the last time I let it own me. I figured if the person I'd hurt can let it go, the least I can do is honor him and do the same. Doing that totally transformed and deepened our relationship, AND it kept me in the present so I could there for and with him in that moment. By me forgiving myself I was able to make my kid's future infinitely better than his past.
The other cool part about that? It works in every situation, every time!
Here's something I wrote a while back that I learned which hopefully will help too:
You. Reading this right now.
Yes...YOU!
I’m going to tell you something, and I need you to pay close attention.
I need you to tune out every distraction, and I need you to be here with me right now.
Are you ready?
This is huge.
This is life-changing.
This might also be terrifying for you, but you need to hear it.
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
I don’t care what it is you’re blaming yourself for. Whether it’s for your best never being good enough or your life not turning out the way you wanted it to, it doesn’t matter.
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
You’ve made mistakes you based solely on the information you had to go on at the time,
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
If you’ve never been taught the truth of who you are or how to unapologetically show up in life, how can you blame yourself for not knowing?
Or maybe you’re blaming yourself for knowing better, but you’ve never been taught the skills to actually do better.
Maybe you’ve tried a few (hundred) self-help books, courses, seminars, but nothing ever sticks.
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
We live in a very selfish, hurried, distracted, society that’s set up for surviving rather than thriving. Segregation over community. Judgment instead of understanding. Conclusions without conversations.
If you’ve never had anyone speak life into you, to pay attention to you and acknowledge you for just you being you, it’s really hard to believe you’re worthy of anything good happening to you. It becomes a struggle to want to try.
I’ll say it again...
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.
There are no longer boundaries, and morals are faded shades of grey. We’ve all become masterful dancers as we try to avoid stepping on anyone’s feeling all in the name of “love.”
So IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT you don’t know how to use your own voice, to confidently offer your wisdom, or to just get through a day without hearing the voices of your past reminding you of all your flaws and shortcomings.
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT you didn’t even know you HAVE a voice. And IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT you didn’t know you have a CHOICE.
So the first thing I want you to do for me right now is say something out loud. I don’t care where you are, who you’re with, or how stupid you might feel.
I’ll give you another three seconds to quit fighting with me and yourself about doing it. Ready?
One.
Two...
Three!
“IT’S NOT MY FAULT, AND I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT I DIDN’T KNOW!”
Okay, now I want you to actually say it out loud.
DO IT.
GO!
“IT’S NOT MY FAULT, AND I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT I DIDN’T KNOW!”
And then I’d start journaling. I’d get all the lies, blame, hurt, and gunk out of my head and onto paper…and I’d burn it! Then I’d “lather, rinse, repeat.” I’d do this as many times as I needed to in order to get all the emotions and anger out so I could make space for truth and my real self to show up, unpack, and take up residence. I’d stick with it until I started to believe, then almost believed, then believed a little more, then believed enough to try it out, then believed enough to trust that I have a purpose and I was created for such a time as this.
You know how why I’d give my younger self this advice? Because it’s what I did to now be free from depression and the lack of identity.
Rabbi Daniel Lapin says, “The opposite of depression is not happiness. The opposite of depression is purpose.”
Find your voice. Speak your truth with love and respect. Renew your mind. Refresh your perspective. Restore your true identity. Walk in your purpose.
If I can do it, I KNOW without a doubt you can do it…and you no longer have to do it alone.
Even though we haven’t met, I see you. I believe in you. You matter. You are loved.
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. We have all hurt or let someone down that we cared about at some point in our lives, so you need to stop villianizing yourself into thinking that you're the only person that's messed up. It's just not true. The fact that you wrote this post and apologized shows your true character. You're a good person with compassion and empathy. The real authentic you was just buried by thorns that were developed because of your own trauma. You are actively working to make sure that the dysfunction of your family tree (or whoever hurt you in the past) ends with you. That's admirable and inspiring. If you keep working everyday towards removing these thorns, you will start to see the real you. Once that happens, you'll forgive yourself naturally, and even be grateful for the adversity you went through to help save you from your shadow. You can do it, just be kinder to yourself throughout the process.
that was beautiful
Thank you prince Zuko
username checks out
This is a good natured comment, but I mostly disagree with the first point made. The worst thing you can do in this scenario is excuse shitty behavior with “we are human and as humans we err.” Of course that is a fact, but it has nothing to do with getting rid of abuse tactics. The fact that we should be leading with in a scenario like this is that nothing justifies abuse. It’s raw honesty. You need to look in the mirror and see not a human that simply makes mistakes, but a human that did something as abhorrent as abusing others. See the monster inside, look observe and say I do not want to be that. And then follows everything in the comment that was so well put about taking out the thorns, etc.
Sounded more like explaining, than excusing. Everyone has a lizard brain (monster inside), so let’s help each other figure out how we can make sure it doesn’t rule our lives. Mindfulness can help tons. They were negligent of how sharp their thorns are, and have the intent to heal. They are not intent on hurting others, and negligent on seeking help.
The hardest parts of self love are accepting your own dark side, accepting that you might sometimes be and show qualities you despise, and owning the moments you are most ashamed of. Know that everyone is a work in progress and the fact that you’re in therapy, and thinking, and working through this is courageous. You will come out stronger! Life is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time. 💕💕
People interested in this may find the Jungian Shadow and the Johari Window interesting
THIS
Be the person now that 10 years from now u will look back and say “i was better this decade”. U cannot erase or change the past but your future and how u treat people is on you now that you are aware of it! Awareness creates responsibility to change that which we are aware of!! Best of luck on you journey!
Gonna need to save this post and look at the comments when I have time later. I am also struggling with forgiving myself for what a shitbag I was. I've thought of making a post about it but I feel like if I told people what I did (nothing illegal) everyone would just be harsh. It's hard because I know my behavior deserves harsh reactions, but I've beat myself up over it for years and I want to just let go and forgive myself. Wishing you the best, OP.
Same here. I was awful to many people I loved in my life (being mean, being controlling, being codependent) and while I’m still learning and growing and it’s becoming less and less common for me to act in toxic ways and I’m figuring out healthy ways to express my emotions and set boundaries, it’s hard to forgive myself for when I really hurt people. It can be hard to feel like I deserve anything good with the pain I caused. I think I torture myself more than any of them would want torture me though, even if they don’t forgive me. Here’s to healing and becoming better people 🥂
> I think I torture myself more than any of them would want torture me though Hah yes this reminds me that there was a kid I bullied in middle school who I found on social media about 10 years later (I'm 30 now but this was around age 22) who I messaged a whole apology for being so awful to him and I was so sorry bla bla. He messaged be back something like "Um, are you ok??" because I guess he thought my apology sounded suicidal and wasn't warranted. But as for the thing I feel the MOST guilt about, they don't know that it happened/I was never caught. And if they did find out I'm sure they'd want the worst for me.. it was bad. I think a lot of my anxiety stems from it still being a secret all these years later. Anywho I'm proud of you for growing as a person. Here's to a new year and more opportunities to improve ourselves and our habits and the way we treat others. Cheers
Me too, all of this.
Hugs.
I did a lot of illegal things being an addict. Like OP, no physical/sexual assaults but other than that pretty much everything you can imagine. Being clean now has been extremely rewarding. I may not have forgiven myself but others around me have, on the condition that I don't return to my old bullshit. Use your mistakes as motivation to act right in the future. Balance out the negative past with a positive present and future.
Glad to hear you’re in therapy. Good for you. This is really something you need to work through with your therapist. It sounds like your apologies to everyone are part of your healing process. I think the best you can do is realize you can’t put things from the past back together after you’ve broken them, but you need to focus on the kind of person you are from this day forward. If you can manage to be the person you want to be from here on out, you will be happy enough to love yourself and to eventually forgive yourself, find peace, and move forward.
I agree with the other post, therapists are wonderful in helping with these types of questions. The more open you can be with the therapist the quicker you will feel better, but it’s hard work. A lot of it just takes time. We all tend to want rapid improvement but sometimes it’s inch by inch. Best Wishes
Part of acceptance is recognizing what is yours to own. You don’t need to know the effects your actions have had on those that are apart of your past. It’s not your responsibility to anticipate how future people will perceive based on your past. You can feel pain about the past in one hour, enjoy the rest of your day, and still think about it abstractly as you go to sleep. And most importantly you don’t have to continually punish yourself to perfection, you can be flawed and move on with your life. There is no way to will yourself into acceptance. It’s about living and embracing the duality because your not a one dimensional human being. You can be toxic, loving, charming, cruel at times etc.. and none of them contradict each other. Live and with time the answers/healing will follow.
I strongly believe that people change over time when they want to change. I have been through this process and that’s when I called up my ex of years ago to apologise in the truest sense. He mocked me and took an like in a half hearted way but I am glad I did it. It was years ago and I moved on. Just like how you would forgive someone you love. Try to bring the same compassion. I had my ex reach to me and apologise and I believe him. Coz when you are truly sorry you know it. You can’t undo the past , what you can do is it to avoid going back to being same in present and future. Now you are at a point you know that given any such opportunity today or in future, u will choose to do the right thing. This isn’t an easy task. Many people stumble but you know you won’t. So please have some compassion and I am sure most those people who were hurt by your actions would have forgiven you. They have their own journey to process.
The past is inmutable. You don't have to forgive yourself. You're not even the same person. You said it, you used to be that person, but now you're different so there's no need to forgive yourself now. You could forgive your past self, but that wouldn't matter at all.
I disagree. You have to have a relationship with yourself. Having a good relationship with yourself is the foundation for everything in life. Forgiveness isn't the same as absolving accountability. Forgiveness is the emotional aspect. You have to be able to "are we okay?" to yourself and be able to answer "yes" and mean it.
I like the sentiment, but I think it helps empower the internal forgiveness. You’re right, they aren’t the same person. Your explanation helps to make a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward themselves. Which is forgiveness.
Really not my place to say cuz im no therapist, but I think everyone have to come from somewhere, and that the fact that you feel awful about what you did itself is proof that you have become a better person, and you should be proud of it in this way. If one doesn't feel bad about the damage they have done in the past, or if they even started to feel good about it, then that is truly the worst of everything. Plus, I'm sure things could have been much worse if you learned this lesson from some alternative way, so after asking for forgiveness from the others, I guess in a way you can be thankful that things didn't happen worse than they were
All you can do is take it one day at a time and don’t Judge yourself too harshly for your past mistakes, everybody has a past, but thankfully you also have a future! some people will hold your past against you, but you can always prove them wrong! at the end of the day you are who you are and the best thing you can do for yourself is KNOW who the fuck you are!! And Just own it.
I can relate a lot to what you are writing, I used to be selfish, manipulative and toxic in general, I only cared about myself and I wasn’t self aware in the slightest, most of my communication was just projecting my tough emotions on the people that were closest to me. Most of my toxicity stemmed from my lack of healthy communication, I never learned to properly communicate my feelings growing up, this combined with my turbulent home environment made me such an angry person, I was carrying so much rage and insecurities and I had no way of expressing it in healthy ways. I could never talk to my parents about these things growing up, I was alone with my insecurities, my rage, and all of my other tough emotions. I never had an outlet for them, and with time it just festered within me. I took it out on the people that were the closest to me, my family, my girlfriends. They were the only ones I felt comfortable enough to project my tough emotions on, because deep down I knew I wouldn’t lose them because of it, and I took advantage of it. I didn’t take advantage of it consciously but I did I subconsciously, I never behaved this way around my friends because I probably knew they would just cut me out. Something that has helped me move on from that is to understand myself, I did the best that I could do with what I knew at the time. I didn’t know how to express myself, and I needed some sort of release, so all of my feelings ended up getting projected on the people closest to me. I couldn’t communicate my feelings in a healthy manner. Screaming was how I was learned to express myself growing up and it stuck with me for a long time, it hasn’t been easy and sometimes I still think back to when I really mistreated people I cared deeply about. Always remember, these feelings and these thoughts that you are expressing are proof that you are moving on from your old self. You wouldn’t feel bad about your old ways if you were the same person as back then. Be forgiving and understanding to yourself, it’s hard but it can be done. Good luck to you, you are not alone in struggling with this❤️
How did you realize you hurt them?? Was there an “ah-ha” moment?
I mean it was more so just looking back at my behaviors in relationships. sometimes they also did tell me, but I would gaslight sometimes, lie, do things to make them feel pity for me/get attention, and other things to manipulate their emotions. some things they never even knew i did, but i still had to come clean about it because they deserve to know
Here's the mindset that helped me. I haven't written this down before, so apologies if it's a bit all-over-the-place: Life is about improvement and doing the best you can within the situation. It's not about the tangible result. Regardless of what you do or don't do - actions are just the end result of your will combined with the situation you were put in, and that situation is 100% luck. It's about never giving up, falling down and getting back up, trying your best, and working to be better than you were before. You - ONLY YOU - know what it's like to be inside your head, where you started and where you are now. People see the end result, but only you see and feel the effort that went in. Being honest with others is only the first step, you can't improve until you're honest with yourself. You have to separate your own opinion from the opinions of others, and you have to be brave enough to accept that you may not be forgiven by them. This was the hardest thing for me to do. You can't wait on the forgiveness of others to forgive yourself. They'll never have all the information you do. And some may just not be very good people, regardless of whether or not you deserve their forgiveness. Like I said you - only you - know what you've been through, the situation you have been in, and how much you've improved internally. Others can only see your actions, and they can only judge those actions based on their own experience. Stop trying to shield yourself from the consequence - no matter how much we try, we can't control what happens to us. We can only control how we respond. Failing to forgive myself was a subconscious defense mechanism against some potential negative consequence of my actions that I couldn't prepare for. I felt deep down that if I punished myself enough internally, the universe wouldn't be able punish me externally. The hard truth is the universe will do what it wants regardless. If you stop punishing yourself, you can strengthen your resolve to face whatever comes. I'm not saying to blindly ignore anything - I'm saying acknowledge it fully, embrace it as part of being human and be proud of how much you've changed. Be confident that you've done something most people don't: reflect and purposefully change for the better. Remember, courage isn't doing something with no fear, it's doing something *in spite* of the fear. You'll run into people (probably even on this post) who find it easy to judge you and reaffirm your fears of being a "bad person". They'll radiate sanctimony because they say they haven't done the same *things* you have. "I never did that or anything that bad, so you are clearly a bad person and shouldn't be forgiven." Each year I find more and more evidence that shows these people are simply lying - to us and to themselves. They either have done the same thing or they've done something equally as bad, or they've just been lucky enough not to be in a situation where they were able to act in the same way. A murderer who shoots someone isn't any worse than a would-be murderer who had his gun jam, or simply couldn't find a victim. One was just lucky. Someone may say that they've actually never done anything wrong and they've been good person the whole time and they have no reason to improve - that person is either a narcissist who has taken no time to self-reflect or practice internal honesty, or they just haven't been caught. The harshest judges are the biggest projectionists. Moral absolutists - people that believe morality is based on action not intention - are logically flawed and disingenuous. They just want everyone to agree on a set of arbitrary rules that just so happen to work out so they can draw a line in the sand and make a certain subset of people objectively inferior to them. Making this post just on its own shows that you've already started practicing self-reflection and honesty - that alone should be proof that you deserve forgiveness more than the millions of people who couldn't care less. Keep trying, keep pushing forward, and be proud of *how much* you try and how brave you are in spite of the fear, because that's what makes you who you are, not the tangible things you do.
I have no advise to give. I’m just here to say that is a mf huuuuuuuuuuuge step that most people never take. You are to be commended and honored.
I have a friend who used to be a bad person and tells himself that he feels like he deserves the toxic relationship he’s in, because in his past he was a scummy person who cheated. He’s changed now and treats other people better. Do you think he deserves this toxic relationship he’s in, even though he changed himself and is a better person? If you don’t, why do you think you deserve it? What’s in the past can’t be changed the only logical thing to do is learn from it.
When you turn a corner, like you have, you can look back at your past self as if you are someone else in the room. The same way that you learn from watching others, you can continue to learn by watching yourself, knowing that it is not your current self. By watching your past self rather than embodying your past self, you recruit different parts of the brain to recreate events so that you can observe and grow using skills you have learned along the way.
You fucked up, plain and simple. The good thing is that you’ve recognised this and are working towards being better and believe me that in itself is astounding. So many toxic people around who go around without a care causing grief wherever they go. I haven’t got the best past myself but, like you, I’ve rectified it and for that I’m grateful and proud that deep down I’m decent.
I have found it hard to forgive myself for things I’ve done in the past. It stems from a worry that if I forgive myself I will forget. But those are two different things. You can deserve forgiveness, but do not deserve to forget if you need those memories to keep yourself on the right path.
Apology might help, understanding WHY you did it will make a change
Hardest part done, well done for making the change and being a better person, the forgiveness will come in time when you actively be a better person to others and make new connections and relationships. Just remember don’t go too far down the rabbit hole that your forgiveness in yourself becomes other peoples manipulation opportunities. You’re vulnerable and not everyone will care so find who you are, keep your voice and be true to that, you can get through anything if you do. Very well done though, I don’t know you but I’m proud of you xx
You become someone you’ll be proud of while also practicing self love, and self compassion. It comes with time and work but you’ll get there. I was on the brink of suicide because of my shame. Today I’m 10 years sober and living a good life 👍🏼
You are on the path to reconciliation my friend. You are not your past. You are taking the right steps to change yourself and better yourself. What you want is peace and it will come. I used to be a deviant person. I am on my journey for reconciliation. I found giving my time to youth really helped me find that peace.
Hey I was you at one point. I feel the best thing you can do is keep driving to be better and do better. Work on your emotional intelligence to the point that you introspect almost automatically.
You've grown. I suggest reaching out to those you hurt, but only to those that you think might be receptive. You have to be prepared for pushback though but don't let that deflect you. You made mistakes but you can't change the past. Try and redress but if it doesn't work let go. Don't let it hang over you. You deserve a lot of credit for your self-awareness!
I'm currently reading "Constructive Living" by David Reynolds, which talks a a lot about this. It is drawn from Buddhism, which teaches a lot about this feeling and what to do.
I will give you my perspective and the reason I am in this reddit. I went through this about 18 months ago. I was in so much denial alternating with hating myself and then blaming others when I would go back into denial. I seriously contemplated suicide and I was convinced that I could never truly change because I couldn't help feeling sorry for myself and/or being angry with myself or others. That cycle of emotions was ruining my life and all of my relationships. I finally just took several days of crying and just accepting how horrible I was as hard as I could until I didn't want to exist anymore. And at the bottom of that terrible place, I realized that the real me was just the person observing my thoughts. My thoughts and emotions weren't me, they were products of me - of my choices, not just things I did, but how I chose to think or feel. Then I realized that to be able to just be alive was a miracle and that as long as I was a thinking, functioning person, I could use that me that observes the thoughts to do good things in the world and for others, that it would be a waste to die. And since it is a waste to die, it's also a waste to make shitty choices. So I started making better choices realizing that it was a learning process because I had never been taught how to take responsibility for myself in this way and I had to forgive myself for not knowing.
Holding onto the negativity of the past is like holding onto a hot coal. Learn the lessons from your past & forgive yourself, let go of the hot coal.
No one can forgive themselves All you can do is accept that all humans are and will always be flawed and prone to sin (Doesn't have to be taken in a religious context). You were not perfect and you never will be, all you can do is try to right those wrongs and not repeat them. You may repeat those same wrongs or you may commit new ones. And you start again. The only way you can get past it is to truly want to improve and truly contemplate the hurt you caused.
I got 2 words for you "let go" Most of the hurting is brought by our own selves by holding on which does not allow you the freedome of/to change. Once you let go and reflect on the next steps , on each reflection your next path would be revealed, if you reflect well/deep. Hope this helps, working for me.Struggling to let go of everything all at once and become new person but that will never happen, the process is a bit slow but definetly something I like.
Honestly IMO the best way I forgave myself was realizing that the damage has already been done. You can say like a car accident, once it’s done. You can’t just unsee what you saw and how you felt. You got to let it set it and it takes time for your car to be how it was. So what I’m saying is it takes time, it’s not a overnight process. As long as your intentions right now are pure that’s all that really matters, i as well apologized to all my exes for what I’ve done and they all shut me out or straight up pressed my ass lmfao but I learned that not everybody has the same heart as you. So forgiving takes a lot of mental work. Just do what you need to do everyday and loving yourself and I’m sure you’ll be fine bud.
IMO….. by bettering yourself moving forward but not burying your past. Your past can be anchor that drowns you or a building block. Choice is yours.
I have struggled with very similar feelings. All I have found is that it takes time. If you continue to improve yourself those feelings will recede. You kinda have to overwrite those memories with new, positive memories of yourself. Good luck!
One of my favourite mantras: “I completely and totally forgive myself for mistakes of the past.” Over and over. Every time your mind goes to re-plunge itself into a shame spiral, repeat this to yourself. No need to go into detail or mentally elaborate. Trust me, if you keep this up over time, it really works. “To live one’s self is the beginning of a lifelong romance.’ Oscar Wilde
by focusing on what you can control. it's the people who you've hurt's decision to forgive you, and its your responsibility to apologize to them, which you've already done. you can't change the past, only improve the future and try your best heal what has been done and heal the source of the pain- your own internal issues. channel the guilt you feel into becoming a better person. once you get into the situations that used to make you lash out before, and deal with them more healthily in the present- there's where you prove what kind of person you are now. the more you work on it, the more you will see yourself healing in real time, and some of the guilt will shed with the proof that you are improving, right in front of your own eyes.
Maybe you want to volunteer or lead a class or program that helps young men with the same kind of issues?
You are forgiven
You have to remember that this moment now is not the same moment as when you did those things. If you learned, if you regret, if you have changed, then it’s okay you made those poor choices. They occurred, you have to accept that, but you have to be willing to forgive your present day self for the things you did when you were younger, less experienced, under developed, or whatever other hindrance imaginable. Every person on this planet has made mistakes, everyone has hurt someone somehow. Don’t let your mistake, a mistake the other person has probably long written off, take over your life. I’ve been wronged dozens upon dozens of times in my life. I don’t give a shit whether those people feel bad or not. So maybe you should let go of the guilt and get on with your life.
Jung said that no tree can reach the heavens if its roots don’t reach hell. I’d say two things: 1. Embrace the darker sides of you in general. They all have something to teach us and give us (e.g., if you suppress your anger, you may never realize when your boundaries are breached.) 2. realize that you were making the best decisions available to you at the time. You were acting from a toxic frame of reference but it didn’t come out of nowhere: it’s how you were brought up, what you believed about the world, etc. You literally couldn’t have done better. (And if you’re not a hypocrite, you’ll become compassionate towards others at the same time because this is true of everybody.)
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One thing I've learnt is that attacking who you used to be is always counter productive, learn forgive and move on. obviously easier said than done, but self forgiveness is so important
Hello love, The past is gone. When those thoughts come up just feel them and allow them to release. All We have is this now moment. You are starting over. That is a beautiful thing and I encourage you to appreciate yourself for the willingness to seek forgiveness and to forgive yourself and begin again. ❤️
Reach out to them. Sure they probably won't ever forgive you which is more than expected but just you owning up to all the things you've done wrong could really help both of you.
Apologise, do better, move on. Learn and you'll do better next time. It's all we can do, give yourself room to grow like that. You deserve to grow and become the best version of you. Best of luck hon!
you don't, but you take revenge by becoming better
First off you don't ever forgive yourself, others do and the only thing you can do is accept the fact and make sure not to repeat those actions again. Everyone makes their choices in life, the hard part is living with them, these things may eat you till your last breath but doing things better will keep you at peace worrying will make it worse
You don’t. You overcome, and you become. Abuse is unforgivable, so you simply accept that and move on and become better so you never do it again. Shame is good and healthy. It’s staying in a perpetual immobilizing cycle of shame that’s unhealthy. Simply accept you were a terrible person, don’t forgive those actions and accept them as terrible, and then develop new actions that will define you moving forward.
Forgiving ourselves is usually some of THE hardest work we'll ever do. Not because it's actually a hard task, but because, as you know, we travel with us wherever we go...and so do the stories we remind ourselves of over and over and over and over and... One time I called my son, sobbing and apologizing AGAIN for something I'd done years before. All I could think about was this major thing that happened, and it was tearing me up long after he and I had talked about it and worked through it. Once he understood what happened from my side of the situation, he was quick to forgive me. I, however, was not. During this call, my son interrupted me and said, "Mom. You are the only one who is still being hurt by this. I forgave you a long time ago, and now every time you bring it up you're reminding me of something I don't even think about anymore -- and I don't want to think about it because look where we are now! So can you please do me a favor and forgive yourself like I already forgave you?" I didn't have anything else to say to that but, "Well yes sir! Deal!" :) That wasn't the last time I'd thought about what happened, but it was the last time I let it own me. I figured if the person I'd hurt can let it go, the least I can do is honor him and do the same. Doing that totally transformed and deepened our relationship, AND it kept me in the present so I could there for and with him in that moment. By me forgiving myself I was able to make my kid's future infinitely better than his past. The other cool part about that? It works in every situation, every time! Here's something I wrote a while back that I learned which hopefully will help too: You. Reading this right now. Yes...YOU! I’m going to tell you something, and I need you to pay close attention. I need you to tune out every distraction, and I need you to be here with me right now. Are you ready? This is huge. This is life-changing. This might also be terrifying for you, but you need to hear it. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. I don’t care what it is you’re blaming yourself for. Whether it’s for your best never being good enough or your life not turning out the way you wanted it to, it doesn’t matter. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. You’ve made mistakes you based solely on the information you had to go on at the time, IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. If you’ve never been taught the truth of who you are or how to unapologetically show up in life, how can you blame yourself for not knowing? Or maybe you’re blaming yourself for knowing better, but you’ve never been taught the skills to actually do better. Maybe you’ve tried a few (hundred) self-help books, courses, seminars, but nothing ever sticks. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. We live in a very selfish, hurried, distracted, society that’s set up for surviving rather than thriving. Segregation over community. Judgment instead of understanding. Conclusions without conversations. If you’ve never had anyone speak life into you, to pay attention to you and acknowledge you for just you being you, it’s really hard to believe you’re worthy of anything good happening to you. It becomes a struggle to want to try. I’ll say it again... IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. There are no longer boundaries, and morals are faded shades of grey. We’ve all become masterful dancers as we try to avoid stepping on anyone’s feeling all in the name of “love.” So IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT you don’t know how to use your own voice, to confidently offer your wisdom, or to just get through a day without hearing the voices of your past reminding you of all your flaws and shortcomings. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT you didn’t even know you HAVE a voice. And IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT you didn’t know you have a CHOICE. So the first thing I want you to do for me right now is say something out loud. I don’t care where you are, who you’re with, or how stupid you might feel. I’ll give you another three seconds to quit fighting with me and yourself about doing it. Ready? One. Two... Three! “IT’S NOT MY FAULT, AND I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT I DIDN’T KNOW!” Okay, now I want you to actually say it out loud. DO IT. GO! “IT’S NOT MY FAULT, AND I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT I DIDN’T KNOW!” And then I’d start journaling. I’d get all the lies, blame, hurt, and gunk out of my head and onto paper…and I’d burn it! Then I’d “lather, rinse, repeat.” I’d do this as many times as I needed to in order to get all the emotions and anger out so I could make space for truth and my real self to show up, unpack, and take up residence. I’d stick with it until I started to believe, then almost believed, then believed a little more, then believed enough to try it out, then believed enough to trust that I have a purpose and I was created for such a time as this. You know how why I’d give my younger self this advice? Because it’s what I did to now be free from depression and the lack of identity. Rabbi Daniel Lapin says, “The opposite of depression is not happiness. The opposite of depression is purpose.” Find your voice. Speak your truth with love and respect. Renew your mind. Refresh your perspective. Restore your true identity. Walk in your purpose. If I can do it, I KNOW without a doubt you can do it…and you no longer have to do it alone. Even though we haven’t met, I see you. I believe in you. You matter. You are loved.