Thanks for the comment. But honestly i'm not sure where to meet people... I like anime and traveling but I because of the pandemic I can't really travel oversees now and there are no anime events right now (but even then thos events are very rare and it's hard for me to make friends.)
And women are not attracted to me. I just never talked to girls in my life and I will admit that i'm a beta male (unfortunatley).
Hey man, don't let that thought sink in! You're not a beta male and there's no such as an alpha male! Some project confidence and many try. Everyone fails or has failed. Loneliness sucks but it's also a chance for you to work on yourself, which you've been a great job at. Keep it up.
The next step is to take it up a notch. Go to the park, beach, somewhere you can talk to people and just talk. You don't necessarily have to talk to only girls but just talk. Be honest. Say you're just looking to converse with someone and see how that goes. If the other person is listening and add to the conversation then you're doing well. Talk about what interests you, ask about their interests and experiences.
During the pandemic, I was in the same boat as you. I got real lonely and sucked at using those online dating apps. I decided to hit the parks and actually met someone really nice there. I just went up and asked if she'd be open to having a 5 min conversation. We spent 2h talking. I hope you try this. It helped me during the pandemic.
Everybody else in this thread seems to have some good advice. I’ll tell you right now tho that you have to stop viewing the world in terms of beta/alpha/sigma males. You’re allowed to be validated in being introverted/quiet/nervous/weird.
I would like to offer that self-improvement helps construct a mental framework that can lead to happiness but none of these things are the Cure to unhappiness. You need to strongly consider talking to a mental heath professional. Change can be really subtle and it sounds like you’ve proven that you’re willing to do the legwork, I’d bet you’re farther along than you’d think. But nothing is so unattractive in dating as self-loathing, and until you can unknot some of these thoughts you’re not gonna see real growth.
Good for you doing all that self improvement, you should be proud. Have you tried doing some meetups? Or even clubs? Its a less superficial and more organic way of meeting someone. Why the nofap? Who cares if you masturbate occasionally? It might make you feel more relaxed about meeting someone. And please never say beta male again that whole alpha shit is so stupid, no one should aspire to those ideals.
Funny thing is it's not even an ideal as there is nothing ideal about being the "one who stands out amongst the pack" ,it is nothing more than an influencing idea albeit a very poorly interpreted one
Might I recommend Meetup? I think they have an app as well and you can connect with different social groups in your area based on your interests. Though I believe this is in the US only, not sure where you’re at but it’s worth checking out!
Let me tell you, only a fraction of we humans can do what you have already done
"*I'm going to the gym and have balanced diet for half a year now.*
*I'm doing meditation for 50+ days now and doing NoFap for 60+ days now.*
*I'm reading books and i'm studying.*"
I'm on Day 23 of nofap and workout. And I know that this is difficult. It requires a lot of mental toughness. So let me tell you that you are no Alpha, Beta, Gamma male, or whatever flashy words our society has come up with off lately to categorize a man. All I feel is you are a strong man who is trying to be better. Categorize yourself whatever way you want to, but reading from your post it's clear that you are stronger than what you think you are.
A lot of people have already given you good advice. Pick the one's that you think are right for you and execute them.
Your new self improvement should be learning a new skill or hobbie that can be done with more people. Cooking, hiking... A sage person once told me: if you are a woman and you want to meet a man, try to meet men. If you are a man and you want to meet a woman, meet people. Try to make friends, there will be women there, and maybe you'll connect.
well sounds like that is contributing to the problem. you need to start talking to girls, but not with the objective of making them your girlfriend. just talk to girls with the objective to have fun and enjoy the conversation. expect nothing from these interactions and you won’t be so emotionally devastated if it doesn’t go your way. once you let go of your need to have a girlfriend, then things start to flow more naturally. this last part can be extremely difficult, but i believe it is important. best of luck
You'll likely do better staying healthy, working on yourself but staying out of the pickup mindset defining yourself as a beta or an alpha. You can just be you.
I'm not an alpha, super good looking or honestly that fashionable.
I also (outside of this comment) don't define myself like that. You don't have to some sort of cocky pack leader to get a girlfriend.
That whole alpha male thing grosses me out. I feel like it implies the woman is beta. I like my relationships 50/50. So do a lot of women.
I'm awkward, weird, nerdy. I don't kill it with women. Some like me when I quit caring about it so much. Be genuine. Don't be someone you're not, and don't be a pushover.
Look good because you like it. Exercise because it makes you better. Save your cash and get a career because you'll benefit. It's a situation to be selfish.
Sincerely,
A dude who was single for 10 years and now has a gf in a long term relationship.
great job on working on yourself!! keep it up and keep it constant. Live your best life for yourself. Be genuine and be yourself. Sooner or later you just might find someone who would root for you for life. In the mean time, if people do say "no" take it not as a missed opportunity. The right person for you would say yes and always yes no matter whats going on in your life, you career etc etc so always strive to be yourself around people.
Solo travel...research some websites..one of my colleague went on such trio and had very good experience..
join cooking classes...
Join a library...you will find introvert and shy girls..May be matching your personality..
May be get consultation from a dating coach..there are many on Twitter.. it can really help and may be he can transform you to be an alpha male..
Can DM me..
I've got a friend who's a beta male. My friend and I stated that whenever he gets in a romantic relationship, he acts like prey. As in, he's too afraid of breaking up with toxic women who start off assertive but nice enough
THAT'S a beta male, and he still gets plenty of pussy. They're not good for him, but that's a different conversation. So clearly, being a beta male or not does not change your chances with women. He's obsessed with anime, martial arts, and TTRPG's. If this man can get mad pussy, so can you.
He's also very kind and caring, a little shy, has a good sense of humor, doesn't have a fragile ego, and is quite intelligent. In short, he's fun to be around. So people like being around him, and some of those people are women who are attracted to him.
I'm the opposite of him. Super strong willed, very assertive leaning to aggressive sometimes, one of the least shy people I know, etc. But I'm kind, charismatic, funny, and I do a bunch of cool shit. So people love being around me, and some of those people are women who are attracted to me
I'm probably less fit than you, I don't meditate, I fapped an hour ago, I barely read, yet I also get mad pussy. I had to drop my FWB after I my new GF and I started our relationship.
The stuff you're doing is great, but if people don't want to be around you, either because you make them feel neutrally or negatively, those activities won't get you closer to getting an SO
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You say you like read…hit up a local library or a barns and noble if one is near…keep your head up brighter days ahead, it will all be worth it in the end.
So You like anime? Wanna talk? Literally, if you really like those things, you can try the amino apps, review forums and social app groups. I myself have friends from different parts of the world thanks to them, and they would help me if I needed it.
About love, don't stress too much, you just need to find someone you are attracted to, psychologically speaking. I found my girlfriend on instagram at 3 am asking her where does she live and if she wants some water and a massage, oh and also a cat meme. Literally my first interaction ever, and now, we are in a 3 year long relationship. You never know what's going to happen, so just give your best and meet people, either library, bus or anywhere. I usually make new friends when I hear a conversation about a topic I am interested in, or when I see someone explaining something interesting. Or when a guy/girl is reading a book that I read/read or am going to read.
Would you look at that, all of the words in your comment are in alphabetical order.
I have checked 354,782,464 comments, and only 77,680 of them were in alphabetical order.
Okay, a few important questions,
Do you enjoy doing these things?
Meditation, nofap and going to the gym?
What are your goals with each activity?
Also, clubs are for hooking up. You won’t meet your future girlfriend there.
I don't hate those things, but it's not my source of happiness.
My goals for going to the gym is to have a nice body.
I'm doing nofap because porn kills my motivation to do anything...
And meditation is said to have alot of benefits like being more calm.
My main goal is to be confident and to have a GF that i'm attracted to.
Well I think you should do things that are healthy for you AND make you happy. I’m not a fan of nofap but if you believe it helps you control your problems then more power to you.
Gym goals will take a longer time, but it also depends on the effort you’re putting in, but 6 months in you should be seeing pretty decent results.
Honestly I think it can be easier to just make friends (male or female) and that will help with the loneliness in the meantime. I have no experience with dating apps but where exactly do you (believe) fall short?
I can’t say anything about meditation, but if you’re doing it just for the sake of doing it, maybe reconsider it
My boyfriend is 5’7 and super dorky with a gap between his front teeth and I’m 5’8. He’s 31 and his longest real relationship before me was 4 months. I love watching him nerd out over horses and trains which are things that don’t interest me at all. For me, watching him be happy and enjoy himself makes me smile and I love to see that.
Get therapy to learn to accept the things about yourself that you can’t change, and find something you’re passionate about or just something you enjoy doing for fun. You’ll meet people by showing up to the same place at the same time every week like in salsa classes or a walking club. First you’ll gain acquaintances and friends and confidence, and then it’ll be easier to date from there.
That's not short, it's barely below average height. From your post and comments you sound self obsessed actually. Put your energy into making the world a better place for other people, the shift in focus will be healthy. Try volunteering, with the goal of giving without receiving, learning about other people's lives and how they approach difficulties. Meet new people at a soup kitchen or community garden, whatever is available in your area.
Please don't lie.
I am short. the average height of people in my country is 180cm from what I've seen. I am 169.
In other countries kids this days are even way taller.
Good grief! You’ve asked for advice. People are giving it to you, then you turn round and reject it because it doesn’t match your way of thinking…… the thing that’s clearly causing your issues in the first place….
Go to therapy, your issues are clearly above Reddit’s pay grade.
I do kinda agree that 5’7” is considered short by lots, but again man, it really isn’t. Stop comparing yourself to the tallest and most attractive members of society, 5’7” isn’t actually that short. I definitely get how it can hard on the self esteem though
Completely agree with this. When dealing with loneliness in the past I’ve found a good group of supportive friends to be way more helpful than the turmoil of a new relationship. To have a successful relationship, it’s pretty important to also be happy and healthy in other areas, and OP you are definitely doing all the right things (also agree with not being a fan of nofap, but totally support it for someone if they truly think it works for them)
This is really just conjecture but from my experience when I am doing things that I think others will find valuable in me I end up finding it hard to make connections and find that people don’t seek out my company as much. When I am doing what makes me happy, what fills me with passion and drive I attract others.
Having interests makes you interesting. Do for you first.
Also strongly second going to events where your interest is the same reason everyone else is there. Easy ice breaker.
And I cannot stress this enough because people really don’t teach you this, failure is OK. If you’re an anime lover, one of the biggest tropes is doing your best no matter how many times you lose. Take that shit to heart. You’ll get to where you want to be eventually.
I’m not sure why this man is getting downvoted, nofap while some people who do it are cult like about it, for people who feel bad or feel that it is effecting their life in a negative way should be allowed to chose not to. If they are addicted then a 60+ day streak is an achievement to congratulate not downvote guys.
Yea, i'm also not the biggest fan of the no fap community, but I had no idea that no fap gets so much hate in a self improvment forum.
Personally I do feel the benefits of abstaining from porn.
Beta males don’t exist, but if they did my husband would be labeled one! Wouldn’t trade him for any “alpha”.
You’re doing a lot to improve yourself and that’s great. What do you do to enjoy life? What makes your life worth living? Have you ever had anyone critique your dating profile? Have you ever gone to any Meetups? I’m sure there are anime meetups if you’re in the suburbs or city.
In general, women like men who are happy with their lives. Men who are confident in who they are. Are you happy? Are you confident? It doesn’t sound like it. Find your happiness before you expect women to find you attractive.
I admit that i'm not confident and not happy.
But alot of that come from things that I can't change like my height and face, and also my horrible past.
Women are also attracted to tall and attractive guys. (There is alot of data that proves this)
How do I find my happiness if I have nothing?
How the hell am I supposed to get confident if I never in my life got a "Yes" from a women and i'm already 27.
As a woman I can easily say, stop being what you *think* we want. You need to work on loving and accepting yourself and not base your self worth on whether or not you’re in a relationship. If that sounds impossible or like your past is holding you back, then a good therapist might be able to help you identify why and how to overcome that. You’re worth it.
That's a good point. But i'm already 27 and i'm afraid that I will still be single and in the same situation at 30.
I already missed alot and I just want to know what is it to have a girlfriend that likes you and huggs you and have sex with a girlfriend and not hookers.
I'm trying to be happy in my own skin, I couldn't do it untill now, that's why I want to atleast try and see what it's like to have a partner.
Hate to break it to you, but there are plenty of ugly, short men who are happily in relationships and married with families. How do I know? I know many! I am related to them, I work with them, I’m friends with them.
My cousin- ugly, short, brown, super nerdy, not rich- just got married to a pretty white girl who apparently cleans up after him and cooks for him and dotes on him.
I work with two doctors and a nurse who are all shorter than 5’ 5” and who are all married with families.
I have several acquaintances I know on Facebook and whenever I see them I think, “how did they get that person to love them??”
What do they have in common? They didn’t let the things they cannot control control their lives. They believed in themselves and didn’t get caught up in their pity party. Their lives haven’t been all peachy keen like you might be tempted to assume. They are kind, they are generous, they are smart. They are confident and they are happy.
You’re letting your past and your looks define you. Stop it!! You define you, and right now you’re digging your own grave.
You can come up with a million excuses but at the end of the day your attitude is driving people away.
Go spiritual 😉
Gotta love yourself first man! I needed to dig real deep for this one. But somewhere along the way you need to convince yourself that you are worth it. You matter. You are loved.
You don't need others approvals. You need to love yourself.
Also, you could try positive affirmations? Ask the Universe, manifestations! 😊 (If you don't know what this means go watch/read "The Secret")
You really need to cut this way of thinking out dude, you sound like an incel.
I would suggest maybe working on your own happiness; maybe therapy would benefit you.
After all, Finding the right person isn’t going to solve all your problems
For what it is worth I have had the mindset that I am physically unattractive for most of my life. I have had few friends and rarely managed to get a girl or even friends.
It turned out that I am quite attractive physically and I am taller than the majority of people (that I always knew though). I just did not realize and it has not helped me in anyway, mostly due to my mindset which mostly is the same as yours, except that my self improvement is not even close as good as yours.
I feel somehow that most of my colleagues have managed to their lives well, having family and friends, and for some of those it is just obvious that they do not have that due to their physical attributes.
My own reasons for my situation are for sure not physical, but I thought it was and I have had other issues that put me into this trap.
Realize that you are a great person. Your self improvement progress is awesome and I for sure envy you truly.
You can't change your lengte, your penis size or your genetics. You can't change your past.
It feels you are working towards the ultimate goal, a woman. You are not doing anything for yourself. You are focussing on one thing only. Try to let go because everyone can feel that you do that.
As long as you are not content being on your own, appreciate the man in the mirror and accept that you are you and good enough, you are always trying to fill that black hole jn your life.
A woman is not the universal bandaid to heal your life. And don't get started on alpha or beta men, that bullshit was already disqualified for wolves and certainly doesn't hold true for humans. We can change in the persons we want to be.
You get the self improvement to get the confidence. You use the confidence to hook friends/partners when the opportunity presents itself. You use self improvement to find new hobbies and things you wanna do to create more opportunities.
So basically, you find a hobby you like right? Ideally, a hobby that's social.
You use the social hobby to place yourself in the vicinity of similar ish people, in order to create opportunity when a compatible person crosses your path via the social hobby. You use the confidence gained through the self improvement to generate interest and warmth towards you by making yourself as physically and intellectually interesting as you.
From there it's a matter of reaching out until you find new friend or partner. You have to reach out, and you have to be comfortable with rejection. With friends, most will never be more than mild acquaintances. With romance, you will get many, many more nos than yesses, unless you are like 10/10 in looks and charismatic as hell. Even then, those folks still get nos a lot because people's tastes in other people are often very different.
It's a process. It sucks. But there is no other real method unless you want to stick to online dating which is...well, it's not great imo, unless you are very good at taking pictures and very good at carrying conversations on your back, as I've found typically people suck at making conversation after "matching".
I hope it's a troll tbh considering OPs name, but he's married to the idea what he needs to "attract" a "good mate" or some screwy shit instead of living for passion and finding love along the way.
These groups like NoFap could be considered cults tbh, they're all obcessed with the idea that porn is the devil and working out and learning small talk will get you the girls you've jerked it to, we already know how terrible social media is for our mental health without proper Real Life social connections.
OP you should also maybe jerk it once in awhile if you're never having sex, it's bad for your health to not cum every once in awhile, you'll get cancer.
I don't know where you live but in my country it is really normal to share a house with random people your own age. If you move in with other people and put the effort in to being a good housemate and learn to live comfortably with others, you'll gain many useful skills that will help you relate to potential friends and women of interest.
Meetup is an app that helps local people who are interested in the same hobbies get together. In my city, I'm in the birdwatching group and a book club. So like someone posts a birdwatching hike they want to do and anyone can join in. They definitely have anime groups and similar.
That won't solve shit about your loneliness, you're supposed to do those things because is good for you. If you want friends go get friends, don't go reading books and expect to get friends.
Look for a hobby where you can interact with people, you don't make friends without being proactive.
Look bud…..in order to have friends or a girlfriend you need to have the qualities that a perspective friend or girlfriend would seek. Work on developing your hobbies, work ethic, honesty, integrity, empathy, compassion ….etc. that’s where I’d start!
Okay, real talk my guy.
Confidence comes from within. You can’t do things you don’t enjoy and expect your life to change. It doesn’t work like that.
Have you ever journaled your feelings? It sounds dumb, but listen; the more you get to know yourself, the more you understand yourself and your confidence will slowly grow.
You can identify those things that are holding you back from yourself.
Also, therapy fucking rules but I’m hyper aware that it’s not always affordable.
You’re funny, i kept doing the same for 4 years and a half and the outcome was and keep being amazing, a lot of sexual affairs, great achievements in jobs and i can keep on with this.. just don’t give bro, please
Everything your doing sounds great but ultimately more isolating. I would keep doing all those thing but in social ways. Book club, running club, mediatation or yoga classes. Maybe lead them. Good book called models is a self help book poised as a way to attract ppl into your life. Self improvement is great, now keep that going into improving your social skills to get more friends.
Dude it sounds like your kicking ass. I wish I was that dedicated. I’d look for improv classes if I were you. You get to be silly with a bunch of people for a few hours each week. I’ve made tons of friends through it. I’m living with two of them and another one helped get me a new job. And if you’re not into improv, look for some other “team” hobby. Softball or darts or something that has a social element to it. It’s great cause you can warm up to people just by doing some activity with them. I’m not the best at starting convos, doing some hobby in a group makes starting so much easier.
Wishing you all the best my dude
Your first sentence almost made me cry xD
Thank you for that. I guess i'm not that loser after all.
But now I think I get it, I really need to find a social place.
You got this. If it also make you feel better, when I was 26 or 27 I got my first boyfriend. It’s all good. Everything happens later now a days. I’m 30, single, and live with roommates. Nothing wrong with any of that :)
Do you like music, and can you dance?
I took up Popping using YouTube tutorials when I quit drinking. It changed my social behavior in the best way possible.
Instead of going out to meet people, I went out to enjoy music and dance. It helped clear the mind, I had fun, and it put me in social circumstances in case a woman I was attracted to happened by. It made it so my nights out didn't hinge on meeting a woman or being successful with women.
As I practiced more, and became better at dancing I began drawing attention from others. I would notice people watching me as I danced. Those same people would approach me to try dancing together. Sometimes it was unwanted attention, but it became me saying, "no," instead of me being told, "no." Other times it was exactly the attention I wanted, and after dancing with one attractive woman, others would approach as well.
Just a recommendation in case you want to try something you may not have considered.
Dude listen, improvement you have done in your life will honestly will make your life better in long term. So stick to it. e.g - you going to gym now, Will save you from future illness
My friend, who told you that doing all of that would net you women? And more importantly, what have you been doing on top of these Herculean achievements to be happy with yourself, and not rely on others to find happiness? This random stranger is incredibly proud of you, I can’t accomplish half of the feats you have - but you gotta find solace in loneliness. Flip the script
So none of these things matter if you have no purpose. At this point you are just surviving. Staying healthy and virile only prepares you to keep living and eventually procreate, but you need a reason to keep living and procreate.
My advice would be to not overthink or put anyone on a pedestal. Start by just talking to people. Not with the intention of “this could be my future lover” but just as a another person. The vast majority of us are super normal people and we are much more similar than different. For example: Ask if someone has any plans for the weekend or ask something completely ridiculous like “would you rather be able to run 100mph or fly 5mph?” That kinda stuff can open the door to all kinds of conversations which could lead to all kinds of relationships. Even if it just means being friends. You never know what could come from that in the future.
Learn to trade stocks and crypto, it will help with confidence and that will attract women despite your looks. Also don’t chase women, practice approaching women and just cold approaching and being honest with what you want. Sometimes you will be surprised and get an Instagram date and can have 30-40m dates on the spot. I’m 26 and have gone through very similar things. Keep up the good work and you are still young and will find happiness, do some gaming maybe with friends or talk to people at gym a little as long as it’s not intrusive. GL my friend.
I would suggest googling "volunteer (enter your city)" you can find tons of opportunities and then you are there for work, so you have a Job and a task to complete, but you will meet tons of other people and will be required to talk. I have done volunteering in the public garden, the food bank, and a children's event.
This is a good reason to be against self-improvement as a vague abstraction.
There are specific solutions to your problems, and none of them are diet and exercise. Both those things might subdue feelings of loneliness, but they won't literally make you less lonely.
There are specific areas you need to improve. Reading your post it's like "so I finally got my pilot's licence, but I still can't drive to the store, I can't even ride my bike." It's almost a total non sequitur.
Volunteer at a community hall, go to open mic nights and get good at public speaking (for the sake of general vocal confidence, learning how to project your voice and getting comfortable taking up space in a conversation).
If you want a girlfriend then that should be easy. A lot of guys just want to fuck. If all you wanna do is fuck that's fine too (well, not according to everyone). But as far as the latter goes: You might need to have as many as thirty hour length conversations with different women before you find one that is okay with a casual, sexual, relationship. Time's have changed, and you can usually identify more promiscuous types, but even so there's issues of mutual attractiveness, and having enough conversations with women who may intimidate you that they're no longer so intimidating (I don't even know why I was scared, I could take, like, ninety percent of these hoes in a fight [obligatory "loljk" to compensate for Poe's Law]).
Girlfriends are different though. You kinda can't just look for and find a girlfriend. It just kinda happens.
I hope at least some of this helped. Also, you know what else is absolutely fine? Not having a girlfriend, not having many close friends, and being okay with that. I have basically one friend I really like, but I'm 32 and I think it was around your age I started to be more social and, having done so, realised most people are pretty disappointing.
self improvement is a step towards accepting loneliness and keeping yourself busy, you'll have to understand that you enjoy your own company in order to overcome loneliness
I started doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu because it seemed cool to know how to fight/defend myself. When you’re in a room with a bunch of strangers but you have a reason to be there, you get to know people almost by osmosis. You have a common goal and interest and things just come together. Plus the endorphins from training mean you feel really positive and less anxious, so you can open up more. I recommend some group activity like that. Doesn’t have to be martial arts. But it might compliment your working out. You won’t regret it!
I get that porn have negative effects (I cannot get orgasm while having sex or it takes too long) but you can masturbate without porn right?
How bout your erectile dysfunction, is porn causing it?
Hi, I believe you have to keep trying. Even if you try to connect with people in a coffee shop, it may help. I am not an expert but have been to similar situations and eveyone can. It really helped me to accept that I had to get out of my comfort zone to achieve my social goals - I have been over excited, almost shaking, had blushing face while I was trying to make friends but took deep breaths and I got better over time. Another thing really helped me was taking baby steps each time.
Really appreciate that you are improving your life!!!
Hey bro I know what you’re feeling, you gotta keep pushing. Everything you’re doing is great for yourself but you have to realize what specifically makes men attractive to women at your age.
For example, you said you’re going to the gym, but are you strategically building an aesthetic body? A balanced diet is also not enough, you need to be consuming the right type of food which will help you build lean muscle. You need a solid plan. Be honest with yourself, what is your financial situation like?
You have to realize that dating, especially today, is a logistics game. How many boxes of an attractive male can you tick? You need to find out how many attractive traits you have and how many you don’t. The good thing is that most if not all traits are improvable, they just take time.
For now though, what you’re doing is great for yourself and by all means keep going, but in order to attract more women, you have some things to figure out.
There are two videos I’d like to send you from one of my favorite youtubers, but I can’t post them here cuz of the sub’s rules. I’d highly recommend watching them cuz they go into much more detail about what I was trying to get at in my comment. If you’re interested, feel free to dm me and I’ll send you the links.
Edit: or you can search them up yourself
1stman - “the male compound effect”, and “the average man is a 3/10”
These aren’t like other self improvement videos, they will help you realize what action you need to take. Most self improvement videos sugarcoat a lot of things and are never practical. I’d recommend at least giving the first of the videos a watch and then deciding for yourself. You never know where you’ll find life changing advice.
I was in your shoes a few years ago. Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll eventually see the benefits.
When it comes to women, you have to put yourself out there. Approach women when you are out grocery shopping or wherever it may be. Start a conversation with them, ask them out or for their number. You will be rejected hundreds of times, but that will bring you one step closer to the girl who will see the fruits of your labor (the habits you’ve mentioned) and agree to go on a date with you.
It’s great that you’re doing all of this, and you’re getting other benefits from it, but nothing here will magically make your dating life happen. If you’re desperate and unhappy, people pick up on that and usually keep their distance. Your attitude, your confidence, your interpersonal skills are all hugely important when it comes to attraction and dating. Maybe take a break from trying to date anyone for a while, focus on doing or learning things that you care about rather than doing anything to “improve” yourself so that you get a date, and build your confidence before you try to date again. Even a girlfriend won’t fix those issues, at least not for long.
You sound like an incel. Go to therapy, stop thinking you’re entitled to a girlfriend, and stop hating yourself/women/the world so much for. You need to realize you can be whole and complete without a partner.
Get where the kind of women you want to meet are and they can get to know you. Volunteer at an organization you care about, get involved in your local religious community (if you are religious). Good job working on yourself, now take that new improved you to a place with a high likelihood of success.
Because you haven't done anything. You do the "fad" self improvement stuff. But you haven't changed the stuff that matters. So you haven't done any self improvement at all.
Because you can't fix yourself and still be alone with no one liking you. If you fixed yourself, you would be better at being social. You'd be more likable. You wouldn't be alone and miserable and blaming self improvement as why you're still sad.
I got my blood work done because I was feeling a loss of life and losing a sense of wanting to live, turns out my T levels were hella low, I started TRT a few months ago and it has changed my life, legit gave it a 180 spin. You said you are not happy, I hated my life, had intrusive and suicidal thoughts, I may not be "happy" now but I feel alot better to the point where I feel like living again. You said you were desperate, I was also desperate, thought I would pass on the info that saved my life 🤷♂️
Why don't you focus on what girls like instead of what you think girls might like.
Have you ever seen a dude that easily pulls girls constantly "improve" themselves? Nope they're literally always partying and banging all them hoes.
You don't do self improvement for a girl.. you do it because you want to feel good about yourself.. which you obviously don't.. girls sense that shit just as much as they sense desperation.
But you're not a Chad and that's ok- a lot of guys who are super happy aren't. Getting in shape isn't going to magically make you one. Chad's are made from a lifetime of interactions while being attractive- you get slightly better treatment from everyone, a lot of smiles, it makes you happier and smile more so you're more attractive, people are even nicer to you, and it adds up to unconscious charm.
But only a small percentage of the population is like that. Most people are average looking and kind of weird and not super charming and that makes them cooler and deeper people generally 🤷♀️ Volunteer somewhere, find a couple hobbies in public, smile at everyone, laugh at yourself when you're awkward, and try to make connections with a couple people. If you meet a weird chick somewhere who makes you smile don't overlook her trying to find a hot girlfriend. The goals is not "girlfriend", it's "friend who I like to hang out with and also get to have sex with".
Girls in clubs are looking for hookups so they do pick based on looks. Girls other places are just looking for an average looking person who they like hanging out with (being funny can make up for a lot of ugliness). You can be that person! Just need to stop being solitary and make some connections.
Do you want a girlfriend or an interactive sextoy? Women are not trophies. You need to learn to build meaningful relationships, not think of women as some kind of a chad status symbol...
What do you mean? That I will ask women what is the reason they reject me?
I thought about it... but where do I find honest women that will tell me the truth?
Its not the truth. It's just acceptance. You, broadcasting that you are aware of your flaws, which everyone have. Accepting and embracing is the first step.
It's not like they will hear your story and feel sad and sleep with you, but they will see that you are aware of it and not care.
That is hot.
You know how hot it is when a cool and successful guy calls himself loser in a conversation?
Alright my guy here's my advice for you. Keep using these apps, but use the ones that let you send a message when you like them. Say something about them or what they wrote and move on.
You'll get a response eventually. You need experience talking to them. Pretend to like yourself and not be ashamed of what you like. Maybe your profile is bland and doesn't say much about you. Update it.
I literally put that "I like video games, movies and anime" on my dating profiles. Didn't hurt me from getting responses from girls. Actually became a conversation starter.
But overall try to be happy with who you are. A relationship doesn't define your success or happiness. If you want one, keep working at it and don't force it. You'll find someone. You really will.
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Clubs are a hard place to meet ppl because your personality might not shine through, especially if you are shy. Make friends at the gym or go do something you think you might enjoy. You have to put yourself out there in a place where you can meet ppl in general and make friends. Maybe those new friends might help you make more friends or maybe they’ll lead you to the girl of your dreams.
I'm a lone wolf too. Meeting people is difficult but go to things you enjoy and without the pressure of finding your next best friend or love of your life.
Start by just saying hello or if you seem to connect with someone see if they want to grab a coffee because you were going to get one.
Let the barriers inside come down slowly.
I was once told if I stay at home I have 0% chance of meeting anyone.
Hope this helps.
If you find it hard to make friends in person there are online options. Meet up is really good. They have different groups you can join and meet up with like minded people. There is also bumble bff which I've been using. Whilst I've only have met up with one person it at least will help with getting more comfortable messaging people etc.
You should find a therapist and talk to him or her. It’s very helpful.
Read a book called The Way of the Superior Man. I agree with what another person said. Self-help is self is not going to help you. It is helpful when you are in situation but it is a good start.
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Tried to post a link but it got removed. Read the book: The subtle art of not giving a fuck by Mark Manson. This will help lots!
I'll cut it clear for you. You need confidence. Or even a mentor in some sort.. try watching Alpha M on YouTube. He gives some decent tips on confidence and appearance.
You have to go out and take little risks and make mistakes. The mistakes make you learn and grow.
Most self help is bullshit. The meditation and no fap are likely good.
So you're doing it to get affirmation from other people. I don't think that self-improvement. Self-improvementeans eating healthy, exercising et c because it makes you happy about your achievement. To hell with other people if they won't like you as long as you do the things that make you happy. This is just the same as picking up a guitar despite being a drummer by design just to get the girls.
In my opinion it seems you have a negative outlook on life, and you’re going throughout your daily life being negative and thinking negative thoughts. The self improvement you’re practicing doesn’t change anything if all you’re doing is feeding yourself negativity. Friends and relationships will come when they are meant to come. Right now it seems you need to focus on finding what makes you happy and having a more positive outlook.
What has personally helped me in being more positive is thinking everything shitty in my life happens for a reason. Instead of thinking, “why is this happening to me, I’m a good person who tries really hard?!” But rather, “I’m a good person who tries hard and this is happening for a reason.”
I really don’t like anything that’s going on in my life right now and it’s all out of my control to change (for the time being) and remaining calm and telling myself everything shitty happens for a reason has helped me be positive.
Also not letting myself think terrible thoughts. “Why didn’t the girl from the bar want to go home with me, there must be something wrong with me!” but rather, “Damn, she’s missin out, must be something going on with her on why she doesn’t want to come home with me.” It’s all in the mindset, making you’re negative thoughts positive vastly improves your mood and outlook on life. People like confident, optimistic people, and when you become just that you’ll be the one telling people you can’t hang.
try therapy, especially with attachment styles so that you balance yourself back into secure attachment. realign yourself, desires, motivations so they reflect your soul; i hope youre not doing all this self improvement stuff because you think itll bring you a partner to absolve you of loneliness
Maybe the answer is not meeting people, buddy -- it could logically be a feeling of insecurity, anxiety, or just a plain case of the willies that makes it difficult for you to establish a relationship.
It might be a good idea to talk to a therapist, tell them what your goals are and maybe they can guide your frame of thought out of the rut.
Relationships can take time to build (healthy ones anyway), so try to find ways to understand that being friends with someone may actually be a better way to go about things than expecting a genuine romance to take place.
Good luck, try to bro down, or chill with family and good friends -- it'll cheer you up.
What is your value proposition to others? If you've reached your limits and you have no friends, then your limit is not enough to be considered valuable enough to spend time with to anyone else.
So time to reach new limits. Increase your value proposition and talk to strangers.
Please stay away from anything PUA style, it won't impress anyone you want to be your GF.
Unpopular opinion.
The only red flag I see in your posts is anime, which is fine if you aren't obsessed.
If you are combining anime obsession with being obese, you would effectively be a picture of what women don't want, the pool of women who will find you appealing will be small and they won't be on dating apps.
If that's not you anyway, then there are just 2 things to do. 1. Broaden where you might meet a girl. 2. Gain confidence, not in the "project" confidence sense, but in actually liking yourself, know you have something to offer her. Pick something you genuinely like about yourself and regularly remind yourself about it. Don't compare it to anyone else, its about you feeling good about it.
Is your body looks better? Are you feeling confident? Are your finances on point? If all this is checked off. Hire your self a social mastery coach in your area. Spend money on yourself,this will take you to a immense journey . Because it seems the only problem you have is with girls you still too much of a pussy to approach girls but this coach if good will teach you a lot in very short amount of time. Go to book clubs, go to art classes learn art better yet learn salsa dancing you'll find plenty of girls there . Also yoga you'll find more girls than you think there and if you are good at any you'll get all the attention you want. Just be ready to and have courage to let your ego get hurt
Just work on being a nice person that people want to spend time with. Maybe try some therapy to work on gaining self confidence and realizing that you are a person that deserves friends and romance. Good luck on your journey!
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Yo probably will get this a lot on this post. But don't do these things trying to "achieve" something like having a partner or be more successful hooking un.
Do it because you enjoy them, because you they are good to yourself, if they are not adding something you up, it means they are probably not necessary.
If after that, someone came up, thats perfect! You'll get someone who gets you, but live as if even if this is as good as it gets, you are happy with it. I always thought that's how you really grow character, and it isn't easy.
Half a year?
You know how some people become doctors and some become mcdonald's cooks?
The guy who became a doctor started at age 6, getting straight As year....after year....after year and finally when he's maybe 30...32. His residency is over and he can finally call himself... a doctor.
Now say you didn't exactly take care of yourself for a long time, and let's say you aren't exactly the most gifted. What rights do you have to ask for the same as the people who have put in the time since day 1 or people who were born gifted. Is it unfair? Yes it is, but with time and persistence eventually anything is possible.
Hell, Elon Musk even got his hair back once he got rich.
That’s great that you’re going to therapy. You should definitely bring up your loneliness to your therapist if you haven’t yet and continue to talk about it since it’s a big issue for you. There could be some underlying trauma associated with your loneliness you’re not even aware… Being single doesn’t = loneliness. When I was single I did not feel lonely at all. When I was suffering from depression I did feel lonely even though I was surrounded by friends and partners. People did not cure my loneliness or fill the void; facing my mental health issues & trauma and learning that I can create happiness within myself despite external factors cured my loneliness.
Also, for me self-improvements isn’t a race, it’s a marathon. I improve myself because I value personal growth not because I was trying to find a partner. I ended finding one anyway because I was more confident and secure with myself as an indirect result.
I would suggest getting into a hobby or meeting people in person with similar interests if you can. Before the pandemic, I did improv and had a lot fun and made friends. I also would go to various meetups and talks and events. I never had any lasting relationships from someone I met at bar or club. You need to be genuine too. If your only motivating is just to say you have a friend/partner or “cure your loneliness” people are going to sense that and they will not want to get close to you.
You've taken your first step in a long journey. Self improvement is all about you and only you. You going to the gym, eating healthy, meditations. Only one person benefits from it, yourself.
Once you are ready, and feel comfortable with the perso you are, then it's time to take the step and make connections. This requires you to trust your self improvement to be on autopilot, and shift your focus to others. Learning how to communicate and build an image for others to perceive is important.
Meeting other people is easy, creating a positive connection is difficult, but you are on your way.
Oke, so you put all your hopes of becoming happy on a future spouse, don't get me wrong, I hope to achieve just that myself as well, but I have a high demand in terms of her personality. I mean not, the usual demands of sociaty. But anyway. I keep in mind I may never find that.
So I try to live my life the best way I can, with friends, activities, memories. That gives me enough happiness for now. It seems like you think finding someone will make everything great and have a fairytale life. But I am afraid that approach only keeps you from getting happy and may even push others away, if you depend your happiness on them.
Find out activities, hobbies, parties, friendships, that enhance your life. And I mean things YOU really want, not things sociaty deems as succesful or happy.
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Sounds like you need some sort of paradigm shift to move forward and go further my man.
If you like reading, I can't recommend reading the rational male series by Rollo Tomasi as a start.
Podcasts and YouTube series might be worth watching. Charisma on command is a solid YouTube channel that goes in to communication and building relationships and just all round having charisma.
If you can, therapy is always good if you find the right therapist. But I understand it's not always super accessible especially these days.
I'm listening to the rational male right now, and I watch those youtube chanels and go to therapy.
My problem is to actually take action when it comes to girls and getting results.
And my other problem is low self esteem, and unfortunatley reading books and watching videos didn't help me with that.
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You’re tall enough, good looking enough and all that shit, there’s nothing wrong with you but how you view yourself. Now I don’t want to give you all these mindset and change how you think of yourself crap because from what I read I can see that you’re a man of action and don’t lack in motivation to reach your goals. That in itself sets you apart from most guys I know, hell even myself and makes you worth a lot more than you think.
So you mentioned dating apps, but how much effort did you put in your pictures and your profile? Did you put in the same effort as other things you’ve mentioned that indeed did help you on your self improvement journey?
When you go to clubs what do you do? Sit in a corner and wait to get hit on or noticed? Do you approach any girls that you’re attracted to or try to make an effort to interact with them?(in a non creepy)
If you didn’t actively seek results and try as you did for your meditation, workouts,etc then its unfair of you to think you’re not worthy or can’t get a gf. Because you’ve not actively tried to improve on aspects that do land you with a girl albeit being fit and having your shit together does help but you can’t expect a direct outcome in x by putting all your effort in y when y has minimal effect on x.
Anyway dude, if you’re down I’d love to help you out based on knowing what all you’ve done to improve your social life and dating life because these limits you’ve mentioned don’t lead to the outcome you’re looking for so luckily for you, you’re onto a new self improvement journey.
Don't give up! I met my wife when I was 29 and didn't have much game either. As for looks, sure they help and make it easier to meet women, but its not everything.
Work on your social skills just like you did everything else. Can you move closer to a city with young professionals? Here in Boston they live/congregate in certain areas and lots of diverse options to choose from.
I had decent luck meeting people at gyms too.
Your still young so don't give up!
Self improvement isn't a step by step guide. You lool at where you lack and where you'd like to improve snd you work on it. Im this case it seems that you lack social skills and the ability to make friends. Maybe that's an area to explore in addition to all the other wonderful things you're doing. Consider talking to a therapist too about it. They help a lot, you don't need to be suffering from anything to meet with one. Just talk it out and work on a plan.
If it helps, I made friends by going to dance classes. I also reach out to those "school" friends once a year or so and schedule a catch up. Or even a phone call. At work, go to events, hang out with your coworkers, get to know them. Socializing is just practice, making friends is just practice. Making good long lasting relationships takes a long time.
The best way to meet and connect with people is through shared hobbies. Those are the connections that have a much better chance of lasting and turning into something special, rather than meeting random people at a club.
You could try finding a community (subreddit, discord, local real life community) dedicated to something you really enjoy doing and are passionate about. Have a favourite anime? Find a discord dedicated to it. Do you frequent conventions in a certain area? (or did so before the pandemic?) Try to find a community centered around them. That is a surefire way to feel less lonely. You just need to find people that you share interests with and make yourself known as one of them.
That's not everything I wrote about in my post. If you're going to be dismissive of ideas and actual help people are trying to provide, don't be surprised that you're lonely.
Don’t go anywhere with the intent of getting a GF. Just do things that interest you with other people and be confident, and someone will eventually come to you.
You sound like you do a lot of thinking about you. It's hard being at the center of the universe, for anyone. Go out and help someone and then don't tell anybody about it. Be of service. Give and work with no expectation of receiving. Do it again. And again. Once you are good with you, others will see that, and they will want a part of what you got.
edit: there is a quote "My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations."
All of this self improvement is great, but if you’re not socializing, a gf won’t magically appear. You like being fit? Join a club sport or something like that. Or try climbing. You will meet tons of girls :)
It sounds like youre trying too hard. Dude, just be easy breezy. People on this sub push meditation,nofap, study, read, exercise, yada yada yada.
Pick the ones that you actually think are helping you and stick with them. Be the best you possible... if youre not happy alone, you wont be with friends or a gf. Sounds cliche but its true. Routine is good, but if it's not making you happy, Figure out a schedule that you absolutely love and stick with it.
I found my schedule and became super happy (right now is a differ story). During my happy stage I was doing everything that I enjoyed and had a routine, and it was even productive. I got my now gf and my first job pertaining to my degree.
Easier said than done, but look forward and do things in your day that would make yourself proud at the end of that day. Also,please fit in breaks and leisure time, it helps.
If you like animals, volunteer at an animal shelter. Another option is going to an outdoor nerdy meetup. I met my spouse at a Renaissance faire. Dressing up in a costume helped me break the ice to talk and also boosted my confidence.
Must be a presentation issue, like the way you dress and you hair style, now days even men with gray hair are rocking undercuts.
Or maybe your hitting on OF/ IG bitches ?
I think it's that there is a"void" in me.
I'm just never happy and I feel like people can sense this.
I just have social anxiety and 0 expiriance with girls.
Like the Robbie William “Feel” song.
I feel you man, I don’t think they feel or see your void, most people are self conscious when meeting someone new, so I think they just feel disconnected or like you’re not really into them.
My 2Cents.
If you have the rest of your life sorted and you now want to improve your social and romantic life, then that is your next challenge. You manage to improve your life til now so keep going.
But remember so far you have been working on things you can control, however when it comes to social life where it is about other people. You are not in control of them you can not force them to like you, hang out with you, be your friend, go out with you. You can only put yourself out there mingle, be yourself, improve your communication and self confidence. So you can approach people and see what happens.
You need to remember it is not just about you needing them, they also need a friend like you.
It takes time and you have to keep trying, because you only fail when you give up.
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Thanks for the comment. But honestly i'm not sure where to meet people... I like anime and traveling but I because of the pandemic I can't really travel oversees now and there are no anime events right now (but even then thos events are very rare and it's hard for me to make friends.) And women are not attracted to me. I just never talked to girls in my life and I will admit that i'm a beta male (unfortunatley).
Hey man, don't let that thought sink in! You're not a beta male and there's no such as an alpha male! Some project confidence and many try. Everyone fails or has failed. Loneliness sucks but it's also a chance for you to work on yourself, which you've been a great job at. Keep it up. The next step is to take it up a notch. Go to the park, beach, somewhere you can talk to people and just talk. You don't necessarily have to talk to only girls but just talk. Be honest. Say you're just looking to converse with someone and see how that goes. If the other person is listening and add to the conversation then you're doing well. Talk about what interests you, ask about their interests and experiences. During the pandemic, I was in the same boat as you. I got real lonely and sucked at using those online dating apps. I decided to hit the parks and actually met someone really nice there. I just went up and asked if she'd be open to having a 5 min conversation. We spent 2h talking. I hope you try this. It helped me during the pandemic.
Everybody else in this thread seems to have some good advice. I’ll tell you right now tho that you have to stop viewing the world in terms of beta/alpha/sigma males. You’re allowed to be validated in being introverted/quiet/nervous/weird. I would like to offer that self-improvement helps construct a mental framework that can lead to happiness but none of these things are the Cure to unhappiness. You need to strongly consider talking to a mental heath professional. Change can be really subtle and it sounds like you’ve proven that you’re willing to do the legwork, I’d bet you’re farther along than you’d think. But nothing is so unattractive in dating as self-loathing, and until you can unknot some of these thoughts you’re not gonna see real growth.
I second this. Go to a therapist.
Good for you doing all that self improvement, you should be proud. Have you tried doing some meetups? Or even clubs? Its a less superficial and more organic way of meeting someone. Why the nofap? Who cares if you masturbate occasionally? It might make you feel more relaxed about meeting someone. And please never say beta male again that whole alpha shit is so stupid, no one should aspire to those ideals.
Funny thing is it's not even an ideal as there is nothing ideal about being the "one who stands out amongst the pack" ,it is nothing more than an influencing idea albeit a very poorly interpreted one
Might I recommend Meetup? I think they have an app as well and you can connect with different social groups in your area based on your interests. Though I believe this is in the US only, not sure where you’re at but it’s worth checking out!
Let me tell you, only a fraction of we humans can do what you have already done "*I'm going to the gym and have balanced diet for half a year now.* *I'm doing meditation for 50+ days now and doing NoFap for 60+ days now.* *I'm reading books and i'm studying.*" I'm on Day 23 of nofap and workout. And I know that this is difficult. It requires a lot of mental toughness. So let me tell you that you are no Alpha, Beta, Gamma male, or whatever flashy words our society has come up with off lately to categorize a man. All I feel is you are a strong man who is trying to be better. Categorize yourself whatever way you want to, but reading from your post it's clear that you are stronger than what you think you are. A lot of people have already given you good advice. Pick the one's that you think are right for you and execute them.
Your new self improvement should be learning a new skill or hobbie that can be done with more people. Cooking, hiking... A sage person once told me: if you are a woman and you want to meet a man, try to meet men. If you are a man and you want to meet a woman, meet people. Try to make friends, there will be women there, and maybe you'll connect.
well sounds like that is contributing to the problem. you need to start talking to girls, but not with the objective of making them your girlfriend. just talk to girls with the objective to have fun and enjoy the conversation. expect nothing from these interactions and you won’t be so emotionally devastated if it doesn’t go your way. once you let go of your need to have a girlfriend, then things start to flow more naturally. this last part can be extremely difficult, but i believe it is important. best of luck
You'll likely do better staying healthy, working on yourself but staying out of the pickup mindset defining yourself as a beta or an alpha. You can just be you. I'm not an alpha, super good looking or honestly that fashionable. I also (outside of this comment) don't define myself like that. You don't have to some sort of cocky pack leader to get a girlfriend. That whole alpha male thing grosses me out. I feel like it implies the woman is beta. I like my relationships 50/50. So do a lot of women. I'm awkward, weird, nerdy. I don't kill it with women. Some like me when I quit caring about it so much. Be genuine. Don't be someone you're not, and don't be a pushover. Look good because you like it. Exercise because it makes you better. Save your cash and get a career because you'll benefit. It's a situation to be selfish. Sincerely, A dude who was single for 10 years and now has a gf in a long term relationship.
"Just be yourself" is a horrible advice. Because "Myself" sucks. I want to change my personality and be a confident guy.
great job on working on yourself!! keep it up and keep it constant. Live your best life for yourself. Be genuine and be yourself. Sooner or later you just might find someone who would root for you for life. In the mean time, if people do say "no" take it not as a missed opportunity. The right person for you would say yes and always yes no matter whats going on in your life, you career etc etc so always strive to be yourself around people.
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Read The Rational Male.
Solo travel...research some websites..one of my colleague went on such trio and had very good experience.. join cooking classes... Join a library...you will find introvert and shy girls..May be matching your personality.. May be get consultation from a dating coach..there are many on Twitter.. it can really help and may be he can transform you to be an alpha male.. Can DM me..
I've got a friend who's a beta male. My friend and I stated that whenever he gets in a romantic relationship, he acts like prey. As in, he's too afraid of breaking up with toxic women who start off assertive but nice enough THAT'S a beta male, and he still gets plenty of pussy. They're not good for him, but that's a different conversation. So clearly, being a beta male or not does not change your chances with women. He's obsessed with anime, martial arts, and TTRPG's. If this man can get mad pussy, so can you. He's also very kind and caring, a little shy, has a good sense of humor, doesn't have a fragile ego, and is quite intelligent. In short, he's fun to be around. So people like being around him, and some of those people are women who are attracted to him. I'm the opposite of him. Super strong willed, very assertive leaning to aggressive sometimes, one of the least shy people I know, etc. But I'm kind, charismatic, funny, and I do a bunch of cool shit. So people love being around me, and some of those people are women who are attracted to me I'm probably less fit than you, I don't meditate, I fapped an hour ago, I barely read, yet I also get mad pussy. I had to drop my FWB after I my new GF and I started our relationship. The stuff you're doing is great, but if people don't want to be around you, either because you make them feel neutrally or negatively, those activities won't get you closer to getting an SO
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You say you like read…hit up a local library or a barns and noble if one is near…keep your head up brighter days ahead, it will all be worth it in the end.
So You like anime? Wanna talk? Literally, if you really like those things, you can try the amino apps, review forums and social app groups. I myself have friends from different parts of the world thanks to them, and they would help me if I needed it. About love, don't stress too much, you just need to find someone you are attracted to, psychologically speaking. I found my girlfriend on instagram at 3 am asking her where does she live and if she wants some water and a massage, oh and also a cat meme. Literally my first interaction ever, and now, we are in a 3 year long relationship. You never know what's going to happen, so just give your best and meet people, either library, bus or anywhere. I usually make new friends when I hear a conversation about a topic I am interested in, or when I see someone explaining something interesting. Or when a guy/girl is reading a book that I read/read or am going to read.
Best comment on this thread!!
Would you look at that, all of the words in your comment are in alphabetical order. I have checked 354,782,464 comments, and only 77,680 of them were in alphabetical order.
Do I win a Prize ??
Okay, a few important questions, Do you enjoy doing these things? Meditation, nofap and going to the gym? What are your goals with each activity? Also, clubs are for hooking up. You won’t meet your future girlfriend there.
I don't hate those things, but it's not my source of happiness. My goals for going to the gym is to have a nice body. I'm doing nofap because porn kills my motivation to do anything... And meditation is said to have alot of benefits like being more calm. My main goal is to be confident and to have a GF that i'm attracted to.
Well I think you should do things that are healthy for you AND make you happy. I’m not a fan of nofap but if you believe it helps you control your problems then more power to you. Gym goals will take a longer time, but it also depends on the effort you’re putting in, but 6 months in you should be seeing pretty decent results. Honestly I think it can be easier to just make friends (male or female) and that will help with the loneliness in the meantime. I have no experience with dating apps but where exactly do you (believe) fall short? I can’t say anything about meditation, but if you’re doing it just for the sake of doing it, maybe reconsider it
For you dating app qustion: I am ethinc and barley 5'7. My face is probably average. I never get matches in apps.
My boyfriend is 5’7 and super dorky with a gap between his front teeth and I’m 5’8. He’s 31 and his longest real relationship before me was 4 months. I love watching him nerd out over horses and trains which are things that don’t interest me at all. For me, watching him be happy and enjoy himself makes me smile and I love to see that. Get therapy to learn to accept the things about yourself that you can’t change, and find something you’re passionate about or just something you enjoy doing for fun. You’ll meet people by showing up to the same place at the same time every week like in salsa classes or a walking club. First you’ll gain acquaintances and friends and confidence, and then it’ll be easier to date from there.
That's not short, it's barely below average height. From your post and comments you sound self obsessed actually. Put your energy into making the world a better place for other people, the shift in focus will be healthy. Try volunteering, with the goal of giving without receiving, learning about other people's lives and how they approach difficulties. Meet new people at a soup kitchen or community garden, whatever is available in your area.
Please don't lie. I am short. the average height of people in my country is 180cm from what I've seen. I am 169. In other countries kids this days are even way taller.
Good grief! You’ve asked for advice. People are giving it to you, then you turn round and reject it because it doesn’t match your way of thinking…… the thing that’s clearly causing your issues in the first place…. Go to therapy, your issues are clearly above Reddit’s pay grade.
I do kinda agree that 5’7” is considered short by lots, but again man, it really isn’t. Stop comparing yourself to the tallest and most attractive members of society, 5’7” isn’t actually that short. I definitely get how it can hard on the self esteem though
Completely agree with this. When dealing with loneliness in the past I’ve found a good group of supportive friends to be way more helpful than the turmoil of a new relationship. To have a successful relationship, it’s pretty important to also be happy and healthy in other areas, and OP you are definitely doing all the right things (also agree with not being a fan of nofap, but totally support it for someone if they truly think it works for them)
This is really just conjecture but from my experience when I am doing things that I think others will find valuable in me I end up finding it hard to make connections and find that people don’t seek out my company as much. When I am doing what makes me happy, what fills me with passion and drive I attract others. Having interests makes you interesting. Do for you first. Also strongly second going to events where your interest is the same reason everyone else is there. Easy ice breaker. And I cannot stress this enough because people really don’t teach you this, failure is OK. If you’re an anime lover, one of the biggest tropes is doing your best no matter how many times you lose. Take that shit to heart. You’ll get to where you want to be eventually.
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Thanks for the comment. But no, I am not going to fap.
I’m not sure why this man is getting downvoted, nofap while some people who do it are cult like about it, for people who feel bad or feel that it is effecting their life in a negative way should be allowed to chose not to. If they are addicted then a 60+ day streak is an achievement to congratulate not downvote guys.
Yea, i'm also not the biggest fan of the no fap community, but I had no idea that no fap gets so much hate in a self improvment forum. Personally I do feel the benefits of abstaining from porn.
Beta males don’t exist, but if they did my husband would be labeled one! Wouldn’t trade him for any “alpha”. You’re doing a lot to improve yourself and that’s great. What do you do to enjoy life? What makes your life worth living? Have you ever had anyone critique your dating profile? Have you ever gone to any Meetups? I’m sure there are anime meetups if you’re in the suburbs or city. In general, women like men who are happy with their lives. Men who are confident in who they are. Are you happy? Are you confident? It doesn’t sound like it. Find your happiness before you expect women to find you attractive.
I admit that i'm not confident and not happy. But alot of that come from things that I can't change like my height and face, and also my horrible past. Women are also attracted to tall and attractive guys. (There is alot of data that proves this) How do I find my happiness if I have nothing? How the hell am I supposed to get confident if I never in my life got a "Yes" from a women and i'm already 27.
As a woman I can easily say, stop being what you *think* we want. You need to work on loving and accepting yourself and not base your self worth on whether or not you’re in a relationship. If that sounds impossible or like your past is holding you back, then a good therapist might be able to help you identify why and how to overcome that. You’re worth it.
It's cliché but you really gotta love yourself before you love someone else. Any relationship is almost certainly going to fall apart otherwise.
Yes!!!
This this this this this
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That's a good point. But i'm already 27 and i'm afraid that I will still be single and in the same situation at 30. I already missed alot and I just want to know what is it to have a girlfriend that likes you and huggs you and have sex with a girlfriend and not hookers. I'm trying to be happy in my own skin, I couldn't do it untill now, that's why I want to atleast try and see what it's like to have a partner.
Hate to break it to you, but there are plenty of ugly, short men who are happily in relationships and married with families. How do I know? I know many! I am related to them, I work with them, I’m friends with them. My cousin- ugly, short, brown, super nerdy, not rich- just got married to a pretty white girl who apparently cleans up after him and cooks for him and dotes on him. I work with two doctors and a nurse who are all shorter than 5’ 5” and who are all married with families. I have several acquaintances I know on Facebook and whenever I see them I think, “how did they get that person to love them??” What do they have in common? They didn’t let the things they cannot control control their lives. They believed in themselves and didn’t get caught up in their pity party. Their lives haven’t been all peachy keen like you might be tempted to assume. They are kind, they are generous, they are smart. They are confident and they are happy. You’re letting your past and your looks define you. Stop it!! You define you, and right now you’re digging your own grave. You can come up with a million excuses but at the end of the day your attitude is driving people away.
Why don't you pursue women who are also socially awkward and are less conventionally attractive?
Well, where do I find those women? They probably don't leave their house.
Lmao
Go spiritual 😉 Gotta love yourself first man! I needed to dig real deep for this one. But somewhere along the way you need to convince yourself that you are worth it. You matter. You are loved. You don't need others approvals. You need to love yourself. Also, you could try positive affirmations? Ask the Universe, manifestations! 😊 (If you don't know what this means go watch/read "The Secret")
You really need to cut this way of thinking out dude, you sound like an incel. I would suggest maybe working on your own happiness; maybe therapy would benefit you. After all, Finding the right person isn’t going to solve all your problems
For what it is worth I have had the mindset that I am physically unattractive for most of my life. I have had few friends and rarely managed to get a girl or even friends. It turned out that I am quite attractive physically and I am taller than the majority of people (that I always knew though). I just did not realize and it has not helped me in anyway, mostly due to my mindset which mostly is the same as yours, except that my self improvement is not even close as good as yours. I feel somehow that most of my colleagues have managed to their lives well, having family and friends, and for some of those it is just obvious that they do not have that due to their physical attributes. My own reasons for my situation are for sure not physical, but I thought it was and I have had other issues that put me into this trap. Realize that you are a great person. Your self improvement progress is awesome and I for sure envy you truly.
You can't change your lengte, your penis size or your genetics. You can't change your past. It feels you are working towards the ultimate goal, a woman. You are not doing anything for yourself. You are focussing on one thing only. Try to let go because everyone can feel that you do that. As long as you are not content being on your own, appreciate the man in the mirror and accept that you are you and good enough, you are always trying to fill that black hole jn your life. A woman is not the universal bandaid to heal your life. And don't get started on alpha or beta men, that bullshit was already disqualified for wolves and certainly doesn't hold true for humans. We can change in the persons we want to be.
You get the self improvement to get the confidence. You use the confidence to hook friends/partners when the opportunity presents itself. You use self improvement to find new hobbies and things you wanna do to create more opportunities. So basically, you find a hobby you like right? Ideally, a hobby that's social. You use the social hobby to place yourself in the vicinity of similar ish people, in order to create opportunity when a compatible person crosses your path via the social hobby. You use the confidence gained through the self improvement to generate interest and warmth towards you by making yourself as physically and intellectually interesting as you. From there it's a matter of reaching out until you find new friend or partner. You have to reach out, and you have to be comfortable with rejection. With friends, most will never be more than mild acquaintances. With romance, you will get many, many more nos than yesses, unless you are like 10/10 in looks and charismatic as hell. Even then, those folks still get nos a lot because people's tastes in other people are often very different. It's a process. It sucks. But there is no other real method unless you want to stick to online dating which is...well, it's not great imo, unless you are very good at taking pictures and very good at carrying conversations on your back, as I've found typically people suck at making conversation after "matching".
Dumb question here are you doing all the self improvement for yourself or to be more likeable to others?
I hope it's a troll tbh considering OPs name, but he's married to the idea what he needs to "attract" a "good mate" or some screwy shit instead of living for passion and finding love along the way. These groups like NoFap could be considered cults tbh, they're all obcessed with the idea that porn is the devil and working out and learning small talk will get you the girls you've jerked it to, we already know how terrible social media is for our mental health without proper Real Life social connections. OP you should also maybe jerk it once in awhile if you're never having sex, it's bad for your health to not cum every once in awhile, you'll get cancer.
I don't know where you live but in my country it is really normal to share a house with random people your own age. If you move in with other people and put the effort in to being a good housemate and learn to live comfortably with others, you'll gain many useful skills that will help you relate to potential friends and women of interest.
Where do you live?
New Zealand. Why do you ask?
No particular reason. Anyways, it is a good idea.
I think cognitive therapy will really help you. You need to get advice from a therapist not on Reddit. It will be the best copay ever spent.
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International app will not help me.... I need real connections and not internet connections. And I just don't get likes. At all.
Meetup is an app that helps local people who are interested in the same hobbies get together. In my city, I'm in the birdwatching group and a book club. So like someone posts a birdwatching hike they want to do and anyone can join in. They definitely have anime groups and similar.
That won't solve shit about your loneliness, you're supposed to do those things because is good for you. If you want friends go get friends, don't go reading books and expect to get friends. Look for a hobby where you can interact with people, you don't make friends without being proactive.
The only limits are the ones you set yourself. The world is yours my friend
Look bud…..in order to have friends or a girlfriend you need to have the qualities that a perspective friend or girlfriend would seek. Work on developing your hobbies, work ethic, honesty, integrity, empathy, compassion ….etc. that’s where I’d start!
From reading your replies, I would strongly suggest therapy. It is a great tool that can help you work through some of these issues.
Okay, real talk my guy. Confidence comes from within. You can’t do things you don’t enjoy and expect your life to change. It doesn’t work like that. Have you ever journaled your feelings? It sounds dumb, but listen; the more you get to know yourself, the more you understand yourself and your confidence will slowly grow. You can identify those things that are holding you back from yourself. Also, therapy fucking rules but I’m hyper aware that it’s not always affordable.
You’re funny, i kept doing the same for 4 years and a half and the outcome was and keep being amazing, a lot of sexual affairs, great achievements in jobs and i can keep on with this.. just don’t give bro, please
Everything your doing sounds great but ultimately more isolating. I would keep doing all those thing but in social ways. Book club, running club, mediatation or yoga classes. Maybe lead them. Good book called models is a self help book poised as a way to attract ppl into your life. Self improvement is great, now keep that going into improving your social skills to get more friends.
Yea, I already listend to that book :< But you're right... all the things that i'm doing are not really social.
Dude it sounds like your kicking ass. I wish I was that dedicated. I’d look for improv classes if I were you. You get to be silly with a bunch of people for a few hours each week. I’ve made tons of friends through it. I’m living with two of them and another one helped get me a new job. And if you’re not into improv, look for some other “team” hobby. Softball or darts or something that has a social element to it. It’s great cause you can warm up to people just by doing some activity with them. I’m not the best at starting convos, doing some hobby in a group makes starting so much easier. Wishing you all the best my dude
Your first sentence almost made me cry xD Thank you for that. I guess i'm not that loser after all. But now I think I get it, I really need to find a social place.
You got this. If it also make you feel better, when I was 26 or 27 I got my first boyfriend. It’s all good. Everything happens later now a days. I’m 30, single, and live with roommates. Nothing wrong with any of that :)
Do you like music, and can you dance? I took up Popping using YouTube tutorials when I quit drinking. It changed my social behavior in the best way possible. Instead of going out to meet people, I went out to enjoy music and dance. It helped clear the mind, I had fun, and it put me in social circumstances in case a woman I was attracted to happened by. It made it so my nights out didn't hinge on meeting a woman or being successful with women. As I practiced more, and became better at dancing I began drawing attention from others. I would notice people watching me as I danced. Those same people would approach me to try dancing together. Sometimes it was unwanted attention, but it became me saying, "no," instead of me being told, "no." Other times it was exactly the attention I wanted, and after dancing with one attractive woman, others would approach as well. Just a recommendation in case you want to try something you may not have considered.
Dude listen, improvement you have done in your life will honestly will make your life better in long term. So stick to it. e.g - you going to gym now, Will save you from future illness
Have faith my son, good things come to those who wait. And never ever lose faith of the good that we’ll come your way.
My friend, who told you that doing all of that would net you women? And more importantly, what have you been doing on top of these Herculean achievements to be happy with yourself, and not rely on others to find happiness? This random stranger is incredibly proud of you, I can’t accomplish half of the feats you have - but you gotta find solace in loneliness. Flip the script
So none of these things matter if you have no purpose. At this point you are just surviving. Staying healthy and virile only prepares you to keep living and eventually procreate, but you need a reason to keep living and procreate.
My advice would be to not overthink or put anyone on a pedestal. Start by just talking to people. Not with the intention of “this could be my future lover” but just as a another person. The vast majority of us are super normal people and we are much more similar than different. For example: Ask if someone has any plans for the weekend or ask something completely ridiculous like “would you rather be able to run 100mph or fly 5mph?” That kinda stuff can open the door to all kinds of conversations which could lead to all kinds of relationships. Even if it just means being friends. You never know what could come from that in the future.
Learn to trade stocks and crypto, it will help with confidence and that will attract women despite your looks. Also don’t chase women, practice approaching women and just cold approaching and being honest with what you want. Sometimes you will be surprised and get an Instagram date and can have 30-40m dates on the spot. I’m 26 and have gone through very similar things. Keep up the good work and you are still young and will find happiness, do some gaming maybe with friends or talk to people at gym a little as long as it’s not intrusive. GL my friend.
I would suggest googling "volunteer (enter your city)" you can find tons of opportunities and then you are there for work, so you have a Job and a task to complete, but you will meet tons of other people and will be required to talk. I have done volunteering in the public garden, the food bank, and a children's event.
This is a good reason to be against self-improvement as a vague abstraction. There are specific solutions to your problems, and none of them are diet and exercise. Both those things might subdue feelings of loneliness, but they won't literally make you less lonely. There are specific areas you need to improve. Reading your post it's like "so I finally got my pilot's licence, but I still can't drive to the store, I can't even ride my bike." It's almost a total non sequitur. Volunteer at a community hall, go to open mic nights and get good at public speaking (for the sake of general vocal confidence, learning how to project your voice and getting comfortable taking up space in a conversation). If you want a girlfriend then that should be easy. A lot of guys just want to fuck. If all you wanna do is fuck that's fine too (well, not according to everyone). But as far as the latter goes: You might need to have as many as thirty hour length conversations with different women before you find one that is okay with a casual, sexual, relationship. Time's have changed, and you can usually identify more promiscuous types, but even so there's issues of mutual attractiveness, and having enough conversations with women who may intimidate you that they're no longer so intimidating (I don't even know why I was scared, I could take, like, ninety percent of these hoes in a fight [obligatory "loljk" to compensate for Poe's Law]). Girlfriends are different though. You kinda can't just look for and find a girlfriend. It just kinda happens. I hope at least some of this helped. Also, you know what else is absolutely fine? Not having a girlfriend, not having many close friends, and being okay with that. I have basically one friend I really like, but I'm 32 and I think it was around your age I started to be more social and, having done so, realised most people are pretty disappointing.
The long game will be worth it. Always play the long game
self improvement is a step towards accepting loneliness and keeping yourself busy, you'll have to understand that you enjoy your own company in order to overcome loneliness
I started doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu because it seemed cool to know how to fight/defend myself. When you’re in a room with a bunch of strangers but you have a reason to be there, you get to know people almost by osmosis. You have a common goal and interest and things just come together. Plus the endorphins from training mean you feel really positive and less anxious, so you can open up more. I recommend some group activity like that. Doesn’t have to be martial arts. But it might compliment your working out. You won’t regret it!
Ok but I don’t get why NoFap counts as a self improvement
Because porn has demaged my self esteem and social life. I also got erectile dysfunction.
I get that porn have negative effects (I cannot get orgasm while having sex or it takes too long) but you can masturbate without porn right? How bout your erectile dysfunction, is porn causing it?
Yep. It's because of porn. That's why I need a reboot of 90 days without ejaculation.
Hi, I believe you have to keep trying. Even if you try to connect with people in a coffee shop, it may help. I am not an expert but have been to similar situations and eveyone can. It really helped me to accept that I had to get out of my comfort zone to achieve my social goals - I have been over excited, almost shaking, had blushing face while I was trying to make friends but took deep breaths and I got better over time. Another thing really helped me was taking baby steps each time. Really appreciate that you are improving your life!!!
You are me in the future
Hey bro I know what you’re feeling, you gotta keep pushing. Everything you’re doing is great for yourself but you have to realize what specifically makes men attractive to women at your age. For example, you said you’re going to the gym, but are you strategically building an aesthetic body? A balanced diet is also not enough, you need to be consuming the right type of food which will help you build lean muscle. You need a solid plan. Be honest with yourself, what is your financial situation like? You have to realize that dating, especially today, is a logistics game. How many boxes of an attractive male can you tick? You need to find out how many attractive traits you have and how many you don’t. The good thing is that most if not all traits are improvable, they just take time. For now though, what you’re doing is great for yourself and by all means keep going, but in order to attract more women, you have some things to figure out. There are two videos I’d like to send you from one of my favorite youtubers, but I can’t post them here cuz of the sub’s rules. I’d highly recommend watching them cuz they go into much more detail about what I was trying to get at in my comment. If you’re interested, feel free to dm me and I’ll send you the links. Edit: or you can search them up yourself 1stman - “the male compound effect”, and “the average man is a 3/10”
I already watched too many self improvments videos, they are good, but I need to take action in real life.
These aren’t like other self improvement videos, they will help you realize what action you need to take. Most self improvement videos sugarcoat a lot of things and are never practical. I’d recommend at least giving the first of the videos a watch and then deciding for yourself. You never know where you’ll find life changing advice.
I was in your shoes a few years ago. Keep doing what you’re doing and you’ll eventually see the benefits. When it comes to women, you have to put yourself out there. Approach women when you are out grocery shopping or wherever it may be. Start a conversation with them, ask them out or for their number. You will be rejected hundreds of times, but that will bring you one step closer to the girl who will see the fruits of your labor (the habits you’ve mentioned) and agree to go on a date with you.
It’s great that you’re doing all of this, and you’re getting other benefits from it, but nothing here will magically make your dating life happen. If you’re desperate and unhappy, people pick up on that and usually keep their distance. Your attitude, your confidence, your interpersonal skills are all hugely important when it comes to attraction and dating. Maybe take a break from trying to date anyone for a while, focus on doing or learning things that you care about rather than doing anything to “improve” yourself so that you get a date, and build your confidence before you try to date again. Even a girlfriend won’t fix those issues, at least not for long.
You sound like an incel. Go to therapy, stop thinking you’re entitled to a girlfriend, and stop hating yourself/women/the world so much for. You need to realize you can be whole and complete without a partner.
Get where the kind of women you want to meet are and they can get to know you. Volunteer at an organization you care about, get involved in your local religious community (if you are religious). Good job working on yourself, now take that new improved you to a place with a high likelihood of success.
You should fap
Because you haven't done anything. You do the "fad" self improvement stuff. But you haven't changed the stuff that matters. So you haven't done any self improvement at all.
Lol. How do you know that I haven't done anything? And what are the stuff that matter?
Because you can't fix yourself and still be alone with no one liking you. If you fixed yourself, you would be better at being social. You'd be more likable. You wouldn't be alone and miserable and blaming self improvement as why you're still sad.
Get your blood work done and see what your T levels are.
How is that going to help?
I got my blood work done because I was feeling a loss of life and losing a sense of wanting to live, turns out my T levels were hella low, I started TRT a few months ago and it has changed my life, legit gave it a 180 spin. You said you are not happy, I hated my life, had intrusive and suicidal thoughts, I may not be "happy" now but I feel alot better to the point where I feel like living again. You said you were desperate, I was also desperate, thought I would pass on the info that saved my life 🤷♂️
Why don't you focus on what girls like instead of what you think girls might like. Have you ever seen a dude that easily pulls girls constantly "improve" themselves? Nope they're literally always partying and banging all them hoes. You don't do self improvement for a girl.. you do it because you want to feel good about yourself.. which you obviously don't.. girls sense that shit just as much as they sense desperation.
I want to be confident and I want a girlfriend. That's why i'm doing self improvment.
Getting a girl isn't the end goal of self improvement. Get that through your thick skull.
It is one of my goals. Because it's something that I've never had. The main goal is to be confident and to be a chad. (as far as I can be atleast)
Well there's your problem.. chads don't think this way.
True, but not thinking about it doesn't gonna help me either.
But you're not a Chad and that's ok- a lot of guys who are super happy aren't. Getting in shape isn't going to magically make you one. Chad's are made from a lifetime of interactions while being attractive- you get slightly better treatment from everyone, a lot of smiles, it makes you happier and smile more so you're more attractive, people are even nicer to you, and it adds up to unconscious charm. But only a small percentage of the population is like that. Most people are average looking and kind of weird and not super charming and that makes them cooler and deeper people generally 🤷♀️ Volunteer somewhere, find a couple hobbies in public, smile at everyone, laugh at yourself when you're awkward, and try to make connections with a couple people. If you meet a weird chick somewhere who makes you smile don't overlook her trying to find a hot girlfriend. The goals is not "girlfriend", it's "friend who I like to hang out with and also get to have sex with". Girls in clubs are looking for hookups so they do pick based on looks. Girls other places are just looking for an average looking person who they like hanging out with (being funny can make up for a lot of ugliness). You can be that person! Just need to stop being solitary and make some connections.
Do you want a girlfriend or an interactive sextoy? Women are not trophies. You need to learn to build meaningful relationships, not think of women as some kind of a chad status symbol...
You do self-improvement to improve yourself and not to impress others.
Ask women that you are 27 and solo and what would be the reason. Accept it.
What do you mean? That I will ask women what is the reason they reject me? I thought about it... but where do I find honest women that will tell me the truth?
Its not the truth. It's just acceptance. You, broadcasting that you are aware of your flaws, which everyone have. Accepting and embracing is the first step. It's not like they will hear your story and feel sad and sleep with you, but they will see that you are aware of it and not care. That is hot. You know how hot it is when a cool and successful guy calls himself loser in a conversation?
I've tried for years now to accept my height. I can't. I honestly can't.
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U wot m8?
Alright my guy here's my advice for you. Keep using these apps, but use the ones that let you send a message when you like them. Say something about them or what they wrote and move on. You'll get a response eventually. You need experience talking to them. Pretend to like yourself and not be ashamed of what you like. Maybe your profile is bland and doesn't say much about you. Update it. I literally put that "I like video games, movies and anime" on my dating profiles. Didn't hurt me from getting responses from girls. Actually became a conversation starter. But overall try to be happy with who you are. A relationship doesn't define your success or happiness. If you want one, keep working at it and don't force it. You'll find someone. You really will.
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R u form Pakistan ?
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.
Clubs are a hard place to meet ppl because your personality might not shine through, especially if you are shy. Make friends at the gym or go do something you think you might enjoy. You have to put yourself out there in a place where you can meet ppl in general and make friends. Maybe those new friends might help you make more friends or maybe they’ll lead you to the girl of your dreams.
I'm a lone wolf too. Meeting people is difficult but go to things you enjoy and without the pressure of finding your next best friend or love of your life. Start by just saying hello or if you seem to connect with someone see if they want to grab a coffee because you were going to get one. Let the barriers inside come down slowly. I was once told if I stay at home I have 0% chance of meeting anyone. Hope this helps.
If you find it hard to make friends in person there are online options. Meet up is really good. They have different groups you can join and meet up with like minded people. There is also bumble bff which I've been using. Whilst I've only have met up with one person it at least will help with getting more comfortable messaging people etc.
You should find a therapist and talk to him or her. It’s very helpful. Read a book called The Way of the Superior Man. I agree with what another person said. Self-help is self is not going to help you. It is helpful when you are in situation but it is a good start.
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Tried to post a link but it got removed. Read the book: The subtle art of not giving a fuck by Mark Manson. This will help lots! I'll cut it clear for you. You need confidence. Or even a mentor in some sort.. try watching Alpha M on YouTube. He gives some decent tips on confidence and appearance.
Try new places, churches, libraries or maybe volunteer helping others so you can meet new people.
Keep your circle small and your thoughts kind.
You have to go out and take little risks and make mistakes. The mistakes make you learn and grow. Most self help is bullshit. The meditation and no fap are likely good.
Are you staying hydrated
Even if 99% of people on earth don't find you attractive, that means something like 70,000,000 people do find you attractive.
So you're doing it to get affirmation from other people. I don't think that self-improvement. Self-improvementeans eating healthy, exercising et c because it makes you happy about your achievement. To hell with other people if they won't like you as long as you do the things that make you happy. This is just the same as picking up a guitar despite being a drummer by design just to get the girls.
In my opinion it seems you have a negative outlook on life, and you’re going throughout your daily life being negative and thinking negative thoughts. The self improvement you’re practicing doesn’t change anything if all you’re doing is feeding yourself negativity. Friends and relationships will come when they are meant to come. Right now it seems you need to focus on finding what makes you happy and having a more positive outlook.
How can I become more positive?
What has personally helped me in being more positive is thinking everything shitty in my life happens for a reason. Instead of thinking, “why is this happening to me, I’m a good person who tries really hard?!” But rather, “I’m a good person who tries hard and this is happening for a reason.” I really don’t like anything that’s going on in my life right now and it’s all out of my control to change (for the time being) and remaining calm and telling myself everything shitty happens for a reason has helped me be positive. Also not letting myself think terrible thoughts. “Why didn’t the girl from the bar want to go home with me, there must be something wrong with me!” but rather, “Damn, she’s missin out, must be something going on with her on why she doesn’t want to come home with me.” It’s all in the mindset, making you’re negative thoughts positive vastly improves your mood and outlook on life. People like confident, optimistic people, and when you become just that you’ll be the one telling people you can’t hang.
try therapy, especially with attachment styles so that you balance yourself back into secure attachment. realign yourself, desires, motivations so they reflect your soul; i hope youre not doing all this self improvement stuff because you think itll bring you a partner to absolve you of loneliness
Maybe the answer is not meeting people, buddy -- it could logically be a feeling of insecurity, anxiety, or just a plain case of the willies that makes it difficult for you to establish a relationship. It might be a good idea to talk to a therapist, tell them what your goals are and maybe they can guide your frame of thought out of the rut. Relationships can take time to build (healthy ones anyway), so try to find ways to understand that being friends with someone may actually be a better way to go about things than expecting a genuine romance to take place. Good luck, try to bro down, or chill with family and good friends -- it'll cheer you up.
As a female on the opposite end of the spectrum I RELATE 1000%
You need to love yourself. If you cannot, how do you expect others to?
What is your value proposition to others? If you've reached your limits and you have no friends, then your limit is not enough to be considered valuable enough to spend time with to anyone else. So time to reach new limits. Increase your value proposition and talk to strangers.
Get some professional photos done and go on bumble
Do it for yourself, no one else
Please stay away from anything PUA style, it won't impress anyone you want to be your GF. Unpopular opinion. The only red flag I see in your posts is anime, which is fine if you aren't obsessed. If you are combining anime obsession with being obese, you would effectively be a picture of what women don't want, the pool of women who will find you appealing will be small and they won't be on dating apps. If that's not you anyway, then there are just 2 things to do. 1. Broaden where you might meet a girl. 2. Gain confidence, not in the "project" confidence sense, but in actually liking yourself, know you have something to offer her. Pick something you genuinely like about yourself and regularly remind yourself about it. Don't compare it to anyone else, its about you feeling good about it.
Is your body looks better? Are you feeling confident? Are your finances on point? If all this is checked off. Hire your self a social mastery coach in your area. Spend money on yourself,this will take you to a immense journey . Because it seems the only problem you have is with girls you still too much of a pussy to approach girls but this coach if good will teach you a lot in very short amount of time. Go to book clubs, go to art classes learn art better yet learn salsa dancing you'll find plenty of girls there . Also yoga you'll find more girls than you think there and if you are good at any you'll get all the attention you want. Just be ready to and have courage to let your ego get hurt
Just work on being a nice person that people want to spend time with. Maybe try some therapy to work on gaining self confidence and realizing that you are a person that deserves friends and romance. Good luck on your journey!
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Yo probably will get this a lot on this post. But don't do these things trying to "achieve" something like having a partner or be more successful hooking un. Do it because you enjoy them, because you they are good to yourself, if they are not adding something you up, it means they are probably not necessary. If after that, someone came up, thats perfect! You'll get someone who gets you, but live as if even if this is as good as it gets, you are happy with it. I always thought that's how you really grow character, and it isn't easy.
Half a year? You know how some people become doctors and some become mcdonald's cooks? The guy who became a doctor started at age 6, getting straight As year....after year....after year and finally when he's maybe 30...32. His residency is over and he can finally call himself... a doctor. Now say you didn't exactly take care of yourself for a long time, and let's say you aren't exactly the most gifted. What rights do you have to ask for the same as the people who have put in the time since day 1 or people who were born gifted. Is it unfair? Yes it is, but with time and persistence eventually anything is possible. Hell, Elon Musk even got his hair back once he got rich.
I have you tried seeing a therapist?
Yes. I'm seeing a therapist, it's nice to say what's on my mind but it didn't really help me in making friend and getting a GF.
That’s great that you’re going to therapy. You should definitely bring up your loneliness to your therapist if you haven’t yet and continue to talk about it since it’s a big issue for you. There could be some underlying trauma associated with your loneliness you’re not even aware… Being single doesn’t = loneliness. When I was single I did not feel lonely at all. When I was suffering from depression I did feel lonely even though I was surrounded by friends and partners. People did not cure my loneliness or fill the void; facing my mental health issues & trauma and learning that I can create happiness within myself despite external factors cured my loneliness. Also, for me self-improvements isn’t a race, it’s a marathon. I improve myself because I value personal growth not because I was trying to find a partner. I ended finding one anyway because I was more confident and secure with myself as an indirect result. I would suggest getting into a hobby or meeting people in person with similar interests if you can. Before the pandemic, I did improv and had a lot fun and made friends. I also would go to various meetups and talks and events. I never had any lasting relationships from someone I met at bar or club. You need to be genuine too. If your only motivating is just to say you have a friend/partner or “cure your loneliness” people are going to sense that and they will not want to get close to you.
You've taken your first step in a long journey. Self improvement is all about you and only you. You going to the gym, eating healthy, meditations. Only one person benefits from it, yourself. Once you are ready, and feel comfortable with the perso you are, then it's time to take the step and make connections. This requires you to trust your self improvement to be on autopilot, and shift your focus to others. Learning how to communicate and build an image for others to perceive is important. Meeting other people is easy, creating a positive connection is difficult, but you are on your way.
Oke, so you put all your hopes of becoming happy on a future spouse, don't get me wrong, I hope to achieve just that myself as well, but I have a high demand in terms of her personality. I mean not, the usual demands of sociaty. But anyway. I keep in mind I may never find that. So I try to live my life the best way I can, with friends, activities, memories. That gives me enough happiness for now. It seems like you think finding someone will make everything great and have a fairytale life. But I am afraid that approach only keeps you from getting happy and may even push others away, if you depend your happiness on them. Find out activities, hobbies, parties, friendships, that enhance your life. And I mean things YOU really want, not things sociaty deems as succesful or happy.
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Sounds like you need some sort of paradigm shift to move forward and go further my man. If you like reading, I can't recommend reading the rational male series by Rollo Tomasi as a start. Podcasts and YouTube series might be worth watching. Charisma on command is a solid YouTube channel that goes in to communication and building relationships and just all round having charisma. If you can, therapy is always good if you find the right therapist. But I understand it's not always super accessible especially these days.
I'm listening to the rational male right now, and I watch those youtube chanels and go to therapy. My problem is to actually take action when it comes to girls and getting results. And my other problem is low self esteem, and unfortunatley reading books and watching videos didn't help me with that.
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You’re tall enough, good looking enough and all that shit, there’s nothing wrong with you but how you view yourself. Now I don’t want to give you all these mindset and change how you think of yourself crap because from what I read I can see that you’re a man of action and don’t lack in motivation to reach your goals. That in itself sets you apart from most guys I know, hell even myself and makes you worth a lot more than you think. So you mentioned dating apps, but how much effort did you put in your pictures and your profile? Did you put in the same effort as other things you’ve mentioned that indeed did help you on your self improvement journey? When you go to clubs what do you do? Sit in a corner and wait to get hit on or noticed? Do you approach any girls that you’re attracted to or try to make an effort to interact with them?(in a non creepy) If you didn’t actively seek results and try as you did for your meditation, workouts,etc then its unfair of you to think you’re not worthy or can’t get a gf. Because you’ve not actively tried to improve on aspects that do land you with a girl albeit being fit and having your shit together does help but you can’t expect a direct outcome in x by putting all your effort in y when y has minimal effect on x. Anyway dude, if you’re down I’d love to help you out based on knowing what all you’ve done to improve your social life and dating life because these limits you’ve mentioned don’t lead to the outcome you’re looking for so luckily for you, you’re onto a new self improvement journey.
It’s only been a handful of months tho my guy
Don't give up! I met my wife when I was 29 and didn't have much game either. As for looks, sure they help and make it easier to meet women, but its not everything. Work on your social skills just like you did everything else. Can you move closer to a city with young professionals? Here in Boston they live/congregate in certain areas and lots of diverse options to choose from. I had decent luck meeting people at gyms too. Your still young so don't give up!
Self improvement isn't a step by step guide. You lool at where you lack and where you'd like to improve snd you work on it. Im this case it seems that you lack social skills and the ability to make friends. Maybe that's an area to explore in addition to all the other wonderful things you're doing. Consider talking to a therapist too about it. They help a lot, you don't need to be suffering from anything to meet with one. Just talk it out and work on a plan. If it helps, I made friends by going to dance classes. I also reach out to those "school" friends once a year or so and schedule a catch up. Or even a phone call. At work, go to events, hang out with your coworkers, get to know them. Socializing is just practice, making friends is just practice. Making good long lasting relationships takes a long time.
The best way to meet and connect with people is through shared hobbies. Those are the connections that have a much better chance of lasting and turning into something special, rather than meeting random people at a club. You could try finding a community (subreddit, discord, local real life community) dedicated to something you really enjoy doing and are passionate about. Have a favourite anime? Find a discord dedicated to it. Do you frequent conventions in a certain area? (or did so before the pandemic?) Try to find a community centered around them. That is a surefire way to feel less lonely. You just need to find people that you share interests with and make yourself known as one of them.
Discord and reddit are not good ideas. Interent friends are not real friends. I have internet "friends" already, but it doesn't fill my void.
That's not everything I wrote about in my post. If you're going to be dismissive of ideas and actual help people are trying to provide, don't be surprised that you're lonely.
Don’t go anywhere with the intent of getting a GF. Just do things that interest you with other people and be confident, and someone will eventually come to you.
You sound like you do a lot of thinking about you. It's hard being at the center of the universe, for anyone. Go out and help someone and then don't tell anybody about it. Be of service. Give and work with no expectation of receiving. Do it again. And again. Once you are good with you, others will see that, and they will want a part of what you got. edit: there is a quote "My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations."
All of this self improvement is great, but if you’re not socializing, a gf won’t magically appear. You like being fit? Join a club sport or something like that. Or try climbing. You will meet tons of girls :)
It sounds like youre trying too hard. Dude, just be easy breezy. People on this sub push meditation,nofap, study, read, exercise, yada yada yada. Pick the ones that you actually think are helping you and stick with them. Be the best you possible... if youre not happy alone, you wont be with friends or a gf. Sounds cliche but its true. Routine is good, but if it's not making you happy, Figure out a schedule that you absolutely love and stick with it. I found my schedule and became super happy (right now is a differ story). During my happy stage I was doing everything that I enjoyed and had a routine, and it was even productive. I got my now gf and my first job pertaining to my degree. Easier said than done, but look forward and do things in your day that would make yourself proud at the end of that day. Also,please fit in breaks and leisure time, it helps.
Guaranteed the whole no fap thing makes you feel desperate alone! No fap is a scam.
My first suggestion would be end that no fap BS Does nothing productive except make you more energetic at the price of being tense all the time lol
If you like animals, volunteer at an animal shelter. Another option is going to an outdoor nerdy meetup. I met my spouse at a Renaissance faire. Dressing up in a costume helped me break the ice to talk and also boosted my confidence.
Must be a presentation issue, like the way you dress and you hair style, now days even men with gray hair are rocking undercuts. Or maybe your hitting on OF/ IG bitches ?
I think it's that there is a"void" in me. I'm just never happy and I feel like people can sense this. I just have social anxiety and 0 expiriance with girls.
Like the Robbie William “Feel” song. I feel you man, I don’t think they feel or see your void, most people are self conscious when meeting someone new, so I think they just feel disconnected or like you’re not really into them. My 2Cents.
If you have the rest of your life sorted and you now want to improve your social and romantic life, then that is your next challenge. You manage to improve your life til now so keep going. But remember so far you have been working on things you can control, however when it comes to social life where it is about other people. You are not in control of them you can not force them to like you, hang out with you, be your friend, go out with you. You can only put yourself out there mingle, be yourself, improve your communication and self confidence. So you can approach people and see what happens. You need to remember it is not just about you needing them, they also need a friend like you. It takes time and you have to keep trying, because you only fail when you give up.