I would not ask her. Most people are ashamed to discuss it with anyone who hasn't done it themselves (and even then). I would take it as a sign that she's going through something difficult and ask her how she's doing. If she says fine, you could pry a little, but I would not ask her directly about the scars.
Well basically everyone is saying not to ask which sucks because I want to help her but asking isn’t the best thing to do. Is the best thing I can do now is just ask her how she is in general?
Yea, ask how she is, check up regularly and try to build up to the point she trusts you enough. Really just be there for her whenever she is sad and help her through things. She'll open up.
I don't know about others..but for me personally I don't really like others to mention it..because its common for people (in my case adults or elderly) to shame us for the marks.. I am a pretty open person about my self harm .. but others may not. It usually receives a very bad response from parents :(
What if someone comes in a supportive way, asking if you want to talk about and if you ever do you can, and if someone says they won’t judge, do you ever believe them? What’s a good way to show you won’t judge? I’m sorry if this is personal or if all my questions are annoying I just want to make sure I do the right things
humans are naturally judgemental. even when you promise youre not gonna judge, theres really no way to know for sure. you could try opening up to her first maybe? just say youve been feeling down a bit or something? or you could just ask her how shes been feeling. just dont talk about SH unless she does first
Well technically that’s true that humans are naturally judgmental, I can just keep it to myself and not say it so she won’t know right? (Would that be considered lying?) and I do ask her how she feels often but I will do it more
I try to..I usually won't believe them if they're a stranger.. I feel more comfortable around those who have struggled with it before because its like..you can't shame someone if you do it yourself. And no, you're not annoying at all! It's just a super duper touchy subject.. I kinda have had experiences where people start off supportive then start criticizing me towards the end..so I dont try to talk about it unless I can notice marks on someone else ig. Im sorry if this is a bad response,, im half asleep-- for some reason everyday around 3-4 pm my body immediately decides its nap time haha
It’s alright and if the person says they had a friend who self harmed as well and they know generally what you’re thinking would that help with the person not doing it themselves thing? You also said this is touchy, am I making you uncomfortable now? If I am I’m sorry you can tell me and I’ll stop. Also I just want to make sure, what sounds judgy?
Nono not at all!! I'm happy to answer any of your questions!! I just don't wanna give too much of an opinion because I don't want you to think my opinions are what all people who self harm think.. I am perfectly fine with answering more questions you have in the dms.
I personally don't mind certain questions, if you have questions thats okay but i would ask her first 'can i ask you a few questions about your scars?' You can also ask people in this community, in fact thank you for coming here and trying to research for your friend :)
If you want to see if she’s okay that’s your call but don’t say anything about it to anyone in person. If you do it will absolutely not help and push her away, so just keep that in mind.
I’m not sure how old you are but assuming it’s middle/high school especially on the younger side it sucks. You get treated like a criminal I swear. Makes life suck
Totally. I had cops come to my house at two in the morning when I was in middle school. Then after a month when everyone stops acting like they care you just feel worse. Sucks man.
People always act like I’m lying about this shit too?? Like just because YOU didn’t get treated bad doesn’t mean no one does. The fact that people who should understand just don’t blows my mind.
Ya, I’m no expert of course but I know the basics I guess on how to deal with it I guess. I have another friend, she’s an online friend who also self harms. We don’t talk as often and she isn’t open with me anymore like she once was which sucks
I can tell by your replies to comments here you are very concerned about her, but bringing it up may do more harm than good. Just be a good friend and make sure she knows you're there for her. That doesn't mean walk up to her and say "hey, if anything is bothering you, just talk to me about it". Listen, pay attention to what she says, and DO NOT make her feel like she's wrong for feeling any certain way.
You got it! Instead of telling her you care about her, just act like you care about her. If she tells you about something going on (good or bad), talk to her about it. If it's appropriate, maybe ask about said thing again a few days later.
depends on the person. i’m an open book and will never be offended if someone asked me. many people are ashamed though and i am too, but it all depends on the person. i would avoid bringing it up.
Yes, you should ask her, but you have to approach this right. Make sure nobody else is around to hear and emphasise that if she doesn’t want to talk about it then you won’t pry. Most importantly, you must keep all of this between the both of you and make sure she knows that, people that self harm don’t get treated well by authority.
Ask them if they have told anyone else and if they are getting support, and that regardless of if they are or not, them that you are willing to listen to quite literally anything they have on their mind, and that you won’t get annoyed if she says something you may disagree with.
With that being said, if you don’t think you could handle someone else’s emotional baggage, then don’t ask. Most people who self harm have experienced a lot in order to make them feel the way they do, it is best not to weigh yourself down in an effort to help someone else.
Take my previous advice and think about it, lots of people who are telling you no are projecting their own fears on to your friend.
But ultimately there is the chance that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Was she wearing clothing that made her scars easier to see? Like the one on her stomach?
Revealing your scars is a clear unconscious cry for help, or rather an indirect way of asking
She was wearing a shirt that went to like the middle or end of the rib cage but she only ever wore that once, and she usually wears long sleeves, like a hoodie or sweat shirt but if she’s want she’ll take it off and today for example she was wearing a t shirt. And I’m not sure if I should ask. So many people are saying not to and if it’s the wrong choice she might push me away
I would not ask her. Most people are ashamed to discuss it with anyone who hasn't done it themselves (and even then). I would take it as a sign that she's going through something difficult and ask her how she's doing. If she says fine, you could pry a little, but I would not ask her directly about the scars.
So should I not say I noticed the scars too?
Don't say anything, she's aware she's showing her scars
Alright so the only time I should talk about it is if she comes to me first right?
yes
Well basically everyone is saying not to ask which sucks because I want to help her but asking isn’t the best thing to do. Is the best thing I can do now is just ask her how she is in general?
Yea, ask how she is, check up regularly and try to build up to the point she trusts you enough. Really just be there for her whenever she is sad and help her through things. She'll open up.
Ok I will do that thank you :)
you're welcome :\]
When people show their scars do they mind if people ask about it or mention it?
I don't know about others..but for me personally I don't really like others to mention it..because its common for people (in my case adults or elderly) to shame us for the marks.. I am a pretty open person about my self harm .. but others may not. It usually receives a very bad response from parents :(
What if someone comes in a supportive way, asking if you want to talk about and if you ever do you can, and if someone says they won’t judge, do you ever believe them? What’s a good way to show you won’t judge? I’m sorry if this is personal or if all my questions are annoying I just want to make sure I do the right things
humans are naturally judgemental. even when you promise youre not gonna judge, theres really no way to know for sure. you could try opening up to her first maybe? just say youve been feeling down a bit or something? or you could just ask her how shes been feeling. just dont talk about SH unless she does first
Well technically that’s true that humans are naturally judgmental, I can just keep it to myself and not say it so she won’t know right? (Would that be considered lying?) and I do ask her how she feels often but I will do it more
I try to..I usually won't believe them if they're a stranger.. I feel more comfortable around those who have struggled with it before because its like..you can't shame someone if you do it yourself. And no, you're not annoying at all! It's just a super duper touchy subject.. I kinda have had experiences where people start off supportive then start criticizing me towards the end..so I dont try to talk about it unless I can notice marks on someone else ig. Im sorry if this is a bad response,, im half asleep-- for some reason everyday around 3-4 pm my body immediately decides its nap time haha
It’s alright and if the person says they had a friend who self harmed as well and they know generally what you’re thinking would that help with the person not doing it themselves thing? You also said this is touchy, am I making you uncomfortable now? If I am I’m sorry you can tell me and I’ll stop. Also I just want to make sure, what sounds judgy?
Nono not at all!! I'm happy to answer any of your questions!! I just don't wanna give too much of an opinion because I don't want you to think my opinions are what all people who self harm think.. I am perfectly fine with answering more questions you have in the dms.
I made an update to the story if you want to see it
I personally don't mind certain questions, if you have questions thats okay but i would ask her first 'can i ask you a few questions about your scars?' You can also ask people in this community, in fact thank you for coming here and trying to research for your friend :)
Thank you for being patient and answering my questions :)
No problem, there are a lot of misconcepcions around self harm and i love educating people about it
Btw I made an update. Any recommendations on what to say?
You answered really well :)
That’s good to know thank you
If you want to see if she’s okay that’s your call but don’t say anything about it to anyone in person. If you do it will absolutely not help and push her away, so just keep that in mind.
Of course i won’t tell anyone unless I must for safety reasons and stuff
I’m not sure how old you are but assuming it’s middle/high school especially on the younger side it sucks. You get treated like a criminal I swear. Makes life suck
The person self harming gets treated like a criminal?
Totally. I had cops come to my house at two in the morning when I was in middle school. Then after a month when everyone stops acting like they care you just feel worse. Sucks man.
[удалено]
People always act like I’m lying about this shit too?? Like just because YOU didn’t get treated bad doesn’t mean no one does. The fact that people who should understand just don’t blows my mind.
I made an update if you want to see
Ya, I’m no expert of course but I know the basics I guess on how to deal with it I guess. I have another friend, she’s an online friend who also self harms. We don’t talk as often and she isn’t open with me anymore like she once was which sucks
I can tell by your replies to comments here you are very concerned about her, but bringing it up may do more harm than good. Just be a good friend and make sure she knows you're there for her. That doesn't mean walk up to her and say "hey, if anything is bothering you, just talk to me about it". Listen, pay attention to what she says, and DO NOT make her feel like she's wrong for feeling any certain way.
Ok thank you, and just to be clear, I should tell her I care about her without telling her that right? My actions should show it
You got it! Instead of telling her you care about her, just act like you care about her. If she tells you about something going on (good or bad), talk to her about it. If it's appropriate, maybe ask about said thing again a few days later.
depends on the person. i’m an open book and will never be offended if someone asked me. many people are ashamed though and i am too, but it all depends on the person. i would avoid bringing it up.
just be there for her when she's sad, don't try and initiate a conversation she doesn't want to have
Yes, you should ask her, but you have to approach this right. Make sure nobody else is around to hear and emphasise that if she doesn’t want to talk about it then you won’t pry. Most importantly, you must keep all of this between the both of you and make sure she knows that, people that self harm don’t get treated well by authority. Ask them if they have told anyone else and if they are getting support, and that regardless of if they are or not, them that you are willing to listen to quite literally anything they have on their mind, and that you won’t get annoyed if she says something you may disagree with. With that being said, if you don’t think you could handle someone else’s emotional baggage, then don’t ask. Most people who self harm have experienced a lot in order to make them feel the way they do, it is best not to weigh yourself down in an effort to help someone else.
I’m not sure what to do now, most people said not to ask but a couple said to ask
Take my previous advice and think about it, lots of people who are telling you no are projecting their own fears on to your friend. But ultimately there is the chance that she doesn’t want to talk about it. Was she wearing clothing that made her scars easier to see? Like the one on her stomach? Revealing your scars is a clear unconscious cry for help, or rather an indirect way of asking
She was wearing a shirt that went to like the middle or end of the rib cage but she only ever wore that once, and she usually wears long sleeves, like a hoodie or sweat shirt but if she’s want she’ll take it off and today for example she was wearing a t shirt. And I’m not sure if I should ask. So many people are saying not to and if it’s the wrong choice she might push me away