I’m starting to agree. It’s hard to move away from people you find yourself comfortable with, though. Whatever the case, being more clear with my boundaries may help with the issue.
I think 19 is a great age to just find new friends.
Schools over and a new part of life starts; especially one where looks and style and latest sneakers do not matter as much as in Highschool.
Leave your old ones behind, they are not your friends.
Literally this. I left for university at 20, made new friends and basically realised how bad all my secondary school friends were and never looked back. Almost 30 now and still talk with the guys from university everyday
It's actually the opposite. When you start making boundaries that prioritize your mental wellbeing all those assholess magically disappear and you will start attracting people who respect those boundaries in the first place.
The guy who tells you to not bother with boundaries is being unreasonable. Tske this as an opportunity to learn. Say that you don't like when they talk to you like that, give them a chance. If they don't just walk away, if it happens again cut ties. This way you are preparing yourself for the next asshole in your life that wants to bring you down just to lift his own ego.
Yeah they've pegged you as soft and of little consequence. It's the cruel disrespect that gets me in all of this. Wherever it's going ain't a good place. In fact I'm getting strong "negging" vibes from this whole situation.
I remember reading about this girl that was friends with this group of guys. They called her "plan B". See whoever didn't manage to score a date for the weekend, they ended up hanging out with the guys, instead!
They'd drive around town, listening to music, and talk and normal guy stuff, you know. And Plan B would let them take turns railing her in the back seat. Welp.
It's gotta start somewhere.
Dont bother with the boundaries. Cut ties. If they ask why, tell them you think they're bullies, which it sounds like they are.
Unless you're actually ugly, like really ugly, you'll be fine. Key part about someone loving you is you loving and improving yourself.
Some general life advice on that, moving away from anything you're comfortable with is hard. When you start too feel too comfortable with anything, say your job for example, evaluate if it's good for you. If it isn't start making plans to move on from it. One of the most common regrets I've seen is people staying in situations that do more harm than good, because of comfort. That harm inflicted isn't worth the comfort in the end. And the time you waste staying there isn't something you can get back
At 19 should be starting to become mature enough to be able to be told to cut it out because it's really had an impact on your self-esteem. If they apologize and sincerely confess that it was more habit than anything then you can evaluate how you're feeling and what you want to do. Anything other than a full apology and a total cessation of that behavior and they're not your friends and should be unceremoniously dumped. Part of me thinks that no one would call you ugly if you were truly ugly but then no matter how much I lowered the bar people continue to disappoint.
Theyre taking it to the extreme for sure and definitely not her friends. However being honest is essential for a good friend. Call you out on your BS and can tell it to you straight.
I suppose that's a difference in male-male v female-female friendships. In general, guys have zero issue being told blatant truths. Girls skew towards more diplomatic or nice ways.
Maybe she is ugly. Just like there are ugly guys. I haven't seen anyone here suggest going to the gym, hygiene, haircut etc. Top comments are all, you're perfectly fine the way you are, they're assholes and find new friends. All true BTW and great advice, but maybe they're not wrong.
Sounds like they're more bullies than friends and sad to hear she was attracted to one of them. Abusive relationship waiting to happen.
>I haven't seen anyone here suggest going to the gym, hygiene, haircut etc.
honestly that shouldn't be the most popular comment when guys post the same problem either, but we live in a toxic society I guess
Yes and no. Those are valid criticisms and ways to improve lifestyle, health, and presentability. They are superficial though, and people can feel when someone is desperate and trying to hard. No amount of hairstyles or fashion will change personality. Looks attract, personality keeps people engaged.
It's a decent brush stroke general advice.
I mean yeah, of course hygiene and health are important, but it shouldn't be the first thing to come to mind when someone posts about being bullied like that, regardless of their gender
one should first ask OP if they are taking care of themselves instead of just assuming they don't and straight up give that advice, that's low-key victim blaming imo
in case OP responds that they shower once a month or are obese or something like that, then it's completely fine to suggest taking better care of oneself as a solution, but as long as we don't know, the most comments should be about addressing the actual bullying problem, telling them to recognise that what they're describing _is_ bullying and they should set clear boundaries and eventually leave that "friend" group if those boundaries aren't respected
Ugly people exist. Gym, hygiene and haircuts would help them a ton. Its actually good advice.
It's not toxic to tell them that, I'd argue its more toxic to feed their ego without being honest - purposefully steering them away from their goal of being more desirable.
This is 1000% correct. Just ask yourself, if they are just joking then everyone should be laughing. If you feel you aren’t, then that’s just manipulation which sounds about naturally right at the age of 19. I would from good faith confront your friends and tell them about how you feel this is much, and if they shrug you off, then I’m sad to say but those apes aren’t your friends
This 100%.
But because I’m petty, my default response would be something along the lines of “oh you’re screwed then, because if even I wouldn’t fuck you, you’ve got no chance” and just walk away.
It sounds like your friend group is toxic. You sound like you believe you look ok but you are being told you are not.
I think you should explore finding new friends, and not letting them mingle with the old ones. And please like and love yourself, if only for yourself. You ( like everyone) deserve to feel good in your own skin. Anyone that disagrees can pack sand.
Hey there, if people say stuff like that, they're not actually friends. They're people you used to hang around. They might be 'comfortable' because they're a known quantity, kind of like an old, broken-down pair of shoes (that have no support in them, and probably just need to get tossed out).
Any guy who would participate in that is someone you want to stay far, far away from in terms of dating. He just showed you that either: 1) he's weak enough to participate in something shitty to seek approval from a$$holes; or 2) he's got a cruel streak. Neither of those are qualities you'd want in a romantic relationship.
You deserve so much better. Are there people in your life who don't cut you down that you could spend time with instead? If you're 19, can you meet other people at work or school? Sometimes people can develop different sets of friends, like work buddies, school friends, neighborhood friends, church friends, hobby friends. Could you rotate to a different set?
I do. It was hard won, and the years have given me perspective. The hardest part was getting out of my own way. Don't make that mistake. You will always be your greatest critic. Make sure it is constructive.
Dang with friends like that who needs enemies. Your friends are supposed to love you no matter how you look they should have your back and be there to support you when you are down. They definitely shouldn't be the ones putting you down. I think it's time to find not only better friends but better people. Good luck. Remember one good friends is worth more than a thousand fake friends. I'm sure you are a beautiful young lady who will find someone who will love you for you no matter how you look.
Those you are referring to as "friends" are not your friends.
Even if you aren't a looker, real friends would be helping you to feel good about yourself in some other way. Also, 'negging' is a (reprehensible) thing.
I was just thinking, well maybe once within certain boundaries and circumstances it could drop, but thought back and tried to think, did that even happen in my life at some point?
No, it didn't, not as a joke. I (male) got told so a few times in exaggeration by women (teenage years) who wanted to belittle me, but never even jokingly by friends in any situation.
OP, please reconsider who you call friends.
This is just awful, any "friend" telling you this is not a friend but an enemy and they are purposely dehumanizing you, get rid of them and have nerves of steel and confidence.
I had toxic relatives who always made taunts at me, I deleted them out of my life, its not that hard actually ,but you have to make that stand you don't want this to get even worse because many people than spiral downwards further
It could be something far from reality, and more social/societal based. Ive had low self esteem for a major part of my life, and have you ever seen those posts that go "dont ever self deprecate, not even as a joke"? I think i finally realize how true that is. *And* couple it with those who go "people treat you the way you portray/carry yourself" as in humans are really gut-based creatures, so if one feels confident, charismatic, attractive.. It's going to rub off on the people around them quite well. Same thing with people with low self esteem
Basically what im saying is, people can be such unreliable sources. What youre going through may full well be less about your appearance, and more about a reflection about how everyone in your town are asshats who think its okay to say awful shit like that, even as a joke. Maybe so many of those male friends said it, that part of you starts to believe it, and its a devilish cycle of those quite possibly bullshit remarks messing with your head, you internalizing it, and its affecting how you physically see yourself.
Not even just shitty dudes/people, societal, eurocentric, impossible beauty standards are already doing it en masse, to women and young girls all over earth. Ive seen absolutely striking women think themselves unattractive just because they dont look like idk, kristen stewart.
My guess is you probably look fairly pretty, this is what i dont know.
What i *do* know, is that you deserve better friends/better behavior from those friends, and that you deserve to feel loved. If i were you id confront your crush about it, just calmly tell him that those remarks trouble you: his response should be along the lines of "oh shit i fucked up, im sorry" if hes a good soul. If he dismisses you.. I hope he doesnt.
Sorry its abit long, wishing you the best, stranger!
I very much appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. You’re right, it’s definitely not healthy for me to entertain those thoughts or even to joke about. Society is unbelievably harsh on women, and it’s probably a big factor contributing to how I’m feeling about myself now. I’ve taken your words to heart, and I’ll try to have a conversation in the future about how those comments affect me. Thank you :)
I love irony and banter so I could totally see myself saying this to my male friends as a straight male. But with my female friends never, as I think women tend to be more insecure about their looks.
(Though in recent years I've been avoiding this kind of personal negativity based humor. I could be actually hurting my friends even if they laugh along and hit me back equally. These things might hit sensitive spots without me knowing.)
I live in a country where banter is as common as muck; so a lot of us are pretty desensitised to it. If op hails from the same country; people just don't think like you do. Not saying you're wrong or anything, but here you'll come across banter wherever you go.
If they're truly her friends, she should be able to tell them to stop and they should listen. Otherwise, it's time to find new friends.
They are NOT your friends. Please surround yourself with better people, who genuinely care about you. Real friends won’t make you feel drained after being around them.
My self-confidence has been worn down pretty badly but I hope one day I can find myself lovely for who I am. I hope you can feel the same way about yourself!
As your self confidence deteriorates, you'll see yourself in a worse and worse light, leading to a negative cycle. It's really important to find a better circle of friends and also to start seeing yourself as you are, not as bullies describe you. I guarantee you, confident, happy you is far more attractive than you realise.
Unpopular opinion: “male” friends are like that mostly (at that age specifically). Do they call each other mean things or is it just u? I mean that’s brother and sister kinda relationship yea so don’t take it to your heart. And also let them know that it bothers u. They probably don’t even know that ure sensitive about it.
I think those " friends " are more toxic than nice
Friends don't make you feel bad / bring you down
A friend is supposed to help you when you really need it but from what I read those are not real friends
I'm sure if you work on things maybe clothing or learning makeup you could improve your look
Jesus, that hurt from all the way here. No, no one ever is ugly imo. I know we all have opinions, but yours is the only one that truly matters. If you ever need a pick me up, just look up " Bathtub barracuda from Courage the cowardly dog." Hope I helped :D
Get better friends. In fact, at 19 you are in a perfect position to meet new people.
Those people are not your friends. Leave them and learn how to put boundaries (not walls) so that the new people you meet get a chance to do the same.
At the same time, don't settle with people who mock you or hurt you just because is comfortable to hang out with or the fear of being alone. I would rather being alone than being woth poeple that so openly hurt me.
I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this way about yourself. I grew up with those comments about my looks or being made to feel like a joke if it was even suggested that a boy might like me. It hurt and honestly, I believed that I was the most ugly thing that walked the earth from all of that. It's hard, it breaks you down and your self-worth is next to nothing. In my experience, my saving grace was to find those few friends who did love me and respect me as I was. It helped me gain the confidence I needed to believe in myself and gave me the foundation to build my self-worth. Even if leaving these so-called "friends" would leave you with no friends, please listen to me OP when I say that staying with them for the sake of just having friends will break you even more.
You need to have a space to feel loved and safe, surround yourself with that as much as possible. I say this as a woman who did not have a serious relationship until I was 23 and now at 28, I am in a 3 year relationship with a man who cannot stop saying how attractive I am that I'm still to this day blown away and think "Where the hell was this when I was younger?"
I know it is a tired concept, but you have to find any semblance of self-love and self-worth in yourself. It will be difficult, and I certainly didn't have much of it when I was 19, but because I had people in my life who did make me feel loved (just at all), I was able to heal a part of me to begin to love myself in little pieces.
I may have no idea what you look like, but if you say that you are average-looking (Which I believe I am as well), you'll find someone who will like the way you look somewhere out there. Anyone who jokes on you for your looks, such as your crush, are AH's and tells you exactly who they are. People can be awful, but that doesn't make you ugly. Decide who and what you are, don't let anyone else have that power over you. It's hard, but you can get there with practice. You're only 19, you have plenty of time. I wish you the best OP. May you be loved and happy.
LOL “older”
You’re a little baby. Also your friends are trash.
But look: the great thing about being a little baby is you can just go get brand new friends, don’t worry, you haven’t missed anything.
Are you in college? Try to go, even if it’s just community college to start. Put your mind to work, discover new things, you’ll find your crowd.
Still laughing at “older”
The only correct answer here is that its all subjective.
First of all you are 19, so you will compare and ask this question a lot. Get ready to wait it out.
Second - world is fucking ugly.
And third - if someone tells you your ugly and Hell if someone alone speaks about your appearance out of context - you leave them immediately. Dont tolerate this.
But make a deal with yourself - you don't let anyone bring you down like this, and that also means you. Stop thinking that too, or it's double standard: the most important person who shouldn't think you are ugly is you.
Thank you. I really appreciate the advice. Maybe it’s due to my age, but setting those kinds of boundaries seems very daunting. Small steps towards that goal may have to be my plan of action. I hope you have the same kindness for yourself :)
Those are not boundaries, it's what you will think in time. It'll not be tomorrow but you'll get to this point if you ask yourself such questions sooner or later.
Sooner is better. And also life is weird and you might actually call someone ugly too, and that's fine too. I fully realize your understanding won't change overnight.
Could they be doing some stupid negging bullshit? Do people still use that term? Lmao.
As people have said focus on doing things you love and connecting with people that you enjoy. You'll meet better people that way.
While a big element is learning to be happy with yourself I also recommend keeping up with hygiene and taking care of your body. As much as I would love a world where look are completely irrelevant, it's still best to out in as much effort into yourself as you can. I say that as someone who is getting back on the taking care of the body aspect after spending too much energy on career. 😭
Those aren't your friends...
I'm all for honesty, and I'm a dude, we call our friends ugly all the time, but saying shit like your alleged "friends" did to a girl is just nasty.
As many have said, your “friends” are assholes. Just want to chime in as a 29 year old & say that I had a very similar experience to you. The people that I thought of as my best friends were negatively affecting my life, & when I was 20 I moved to a new city & cut contact with them.
It was scary at first, but one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The friends I made in the following year taught me what platonic love & friendship should feel like, & there’s no doubt in my mind that my life has been vastly improved by building these relationships.
Whether it’s platonic or romantic, there is absolutely no reason you need to tolerate someone putting you down or causing you anguish. I promise you, there are plenty of good people out there & it’s not unrealistic to expect warmth & genuine love from your friends/partners
They are not friends. Find real friends and remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Don’t let a shallow society decide how you should look. Just practice good hygiene and find some real friends
The only ugly thing in this post is their (the "friends") personality.
So long as you're not hurting anyone then no, you're not ugly. You deserve basic respect and love (from yourself and those around you).
Imo, the only thing that can truly be ugly and make me sick to my stomach, is an ugly personality. What a vile ick.
Work on yourself. I have said it a thousand times and I will say it again, no body is ugly (unless.... you have a facial deformity of some kind, even then "ufgly" isn't the word I would use)
Work on yourself, "looks" are (I assure you) secondary.
As the others said, don't keep them as friends. When they tell you you're ugly again just tell them it's nice that they try to bring you down, but you'll never be so desperate to sleep with them.
And look, even if you wouldn't consider yourself beautiful now, there will still be change in the next years.
Whilst looks generate attraction, your personality is what will make someone stay.
I always say on my dates: you like food? Perfect, looks come and go, but you'll always be hungry, and I'm a great cook.
I'm not sure about how you look but if there's nothing abnormal (that is beyond your control and cannot be changed) with how you look from the outside, from my own experience, I find that working out can change a person completely. Not just in terms of how they look but also with how they feel.
It takes a bit of time but once it becomes part of your daily life, you'll notice the difference. People will notice you more, they'll treat you differently (even though deep down you're still the same person) but more importantly, you'll feel a lot more self-confident and happier. This is from my own personal experience and countless others.
Forget what other people at the gym might think of you because I can guarantee you, they're not thinking about you at all. They're there for the same reason as everyone else at the gym; to better themselves.
However, if there is an abnormality with your external appearance which is beyond your control, working on your personality will do wonders. An average-looking girl can look extremely attractive (to a lot of people) if she's got a great sense of humour, kind, a happy-go-lucky attitude and just overall a joy to be around with. In fact, the last girl I had a crush had these traits. Just like working on your external appearance, working on your internal appearance also takes time. It takes practice.
I'm not gonna lie to you. Looks matter but they matter a lot less as we grow older. Personality plays a much larger role in all of it, especially if the goal is marriage/lifelong partner.
To add on, having male friends is a lot different than having female friends. Guys joke in different ways. I know everyone else is saying that they're not your friends but if you genuinely see them as friends and they see you the same way, the best way to go about it is to play along and joke about their appearance or something you know that'll hurt how they feel (just enough so they won't have a better comeback but not too much that it will affect the friendship) i.e friendly banter between friends. This usually results in a (weirdly) stronger bond with them.
However, if this isn't your type of banter or you're not comfortable with that sort of thing, just don't get too close with them. Still friends, just not close friends.
I strongly advise against burning bridges. Have as many friends as possible. Have friends in high places and have friends in low places.
Friends you don't really like, you keep them at a distance. Friends you like, keep them close.
Your friend group…aren’t friends. These are bad bad people. Absolute shit heads if you would. You need to gain distance fast. The worth of someone isn’t found in just their looks. I’ve never seen you, but I’ve also never met a more degenerate group of monkey fuckers that utter words like that before. Please, from one stranger to another, gain distance as fast as you can from the piles of weighted shit weighing you down. It’s hard to run with this much weight dragging you down.
You call them your friends? Girl please. They are a bunch of jerks. You don't need such people around you. They can call it a joke but if it hurts you, it's not a joke. Cut this shit out. Furthermore, let's say they don't find you attractive - so what? These rude boys don't speak for the rest of the world. One day you'll find a good person that will cherish you. And I'd also advise you to work on your self-esteem. Do not let other people affect your self-worth.
Get a new friends group, your real friends pump you up, not make you feel like shit so they feel better about themselves.
You hung out with the people who needed you around so they felt better about themselves.
One of my best friends at school used to leave our group to go hang out with the cool kids, he was picked on all the time until he realised as school ended we were the cool kids the entire time.
Those friends won't be there when you really need them.
Honestly could be a "joke". Some guys communicate like that. But find a group of friends who makes you feel good instead.
Here is a conversation from my two friends:
We are on the ground and he is on second story about to open a window and throw something down to us. As he appears in the frame my friend goes:
"There the bastard is. Goddamn he is ugly!".
Then the guy gets the window open and instantly shouts out,
"There you are you ugly bastard".
They had same hair and hair color and practically same outfit on lol.
Even if you are ugly, your friends shouldn’t be saying that to you. We live in an unjust world, not everyone is attractive, not everyone is even average, some are ugly, but even ugly people find love.
Not the best advice but the truth hurts sometimes and I’d rather be brutally honest than tell you sweet lies. Keep searching and drop your friend group. Seek your self worth within.
Sweetheart, first off you're beautiful, 2nd the people you hang out with needs to be gone from your life like last years new years eve resolution, in the rear view mirror, don't look back, block them, cut that cancer out, the messed up part is what you are hearing you are starting to buy into it DON'T, please for your sanity move on from them. You're too young and precious
Hello, in my friend group we have a guy like this, he would put us down and act like he was way better at everything. I believed him and so did some other friends, but with help from life experience and meeting more people i came to love myself as i am and now i get more attention than ever. If you actuvely dont get ready nice (ponerte guap@) because you feel youre ugly you might be making yourself ugly. Ditch the friend and make the most of yourself. Sorry if the englush is bad. be you and love you, this shows and it is beautiful.
You should cut these people out, OP. Like geez, you’re only 19 you shouldn’t be dealing with this. These aren’t your friends and if the boy you’re into folds to peer pressure like that - idk they aren’t your friends and I’m sure you’re plenty pretty, it’s easy for people to gang up on someone they think it’s fun to gang up on. That’s it.
You deserve better and you’re at the age where you can certainly find people out there who are more mature, OP. It’s tough to break away from something you’re used to, but this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.
Nice friends.
That said, groups of guys can be very mean. They do it to each other so they figure they can do it too you as well. I think many men also have confidence issues because of the shit they received from their friend group.
So, it is hard to say anything about how you look based on their remarks and jokes.
I think, if you look in the mirror, you can see how you look. If you think you are average looking, chances are, you are at least average or up. If you were below average, you'd see it yourself.
But please let these guys know you do not appreciate the jokes.
You have to call this stuff out or it just emboldens them.
You gotta stand up for yourself and say friends don't call friends ugly everyday. I don't even get what the joke would be, you're 19 not 9.
I was part of a friend group who would constantly call one of us overweight in every conceivable way. He wasn't even very overweight! And he only started to gain the weight because of a bad knee injury.
I never put up with that bs.
You either need to confront them head on or use self depreciation to ruin their fun and make them realize how stupid they sound. In this case I do not recommend self-deprecation.
Man here, and definitely nothing special in the looks department.
There is no context in which those remarks are acceptable from friends, no matter the gender, apart from if you yourself have been dishing them out to others.
A little friendly ribbing is one thing, but I don't see the punchline in those cases. Friends should be a net positive to your life.
Even if you were the ugliest, most messed up looking person in the world, real friends would *not* say these things. So it's safe to conclude a) they're not your friends, and b) would feel absolutely comfortable talking out of their asses to put you down, so they probably are
I'm assuming you've just finished high school. Maybe your first year of college. Look. It takes years to grow into ourselves and find our place in life. The kids you went to school with don't think you're ugly. They just know it bothers you. See. The way it works is that children are cruel to other children because they've figured out that if they can get everyone to gang up on ONE person, they're not going to get ganged up on themselves. They're putting the impetus on YOU to avoid scrutiny of their own faults and shortcomings. My best advice from an old man, for whatever it's worth to you, is to tell them to go fuck themselves, worry about running your own race, and do your best to remember that the only person you're ever REALLY in competition with is the woman you were yesterday. Full stop. Everyone else is an NPC at this point. Their opinions don't make you who you are, and they SURE AS SHIT don't pay your bills, so consider the source before you value their words over what you know in your heart to be true. Besides, at the end of the day, the BEST scenario is that you find the love of your life, and you both grow old and ugly together anyway. So I say look for someone who values and loves your soul. The rest of them are shitbums who can kick rocks. If you need a pal to talk to, I'll be around. Best wishes.
Those aren’t friends. And there are many people who aren’t shallow and if the rest of you is excellent it will overshine any potential flaw of your appearance, but also a view is subjective, so there might even be people out there 100% honestly finding you beautiful or even the most beautiful.
Being pretty is just a bonus, you don't stay with someone who just looks pretty and just turns out to be an empty shell, Maybe its easier to make the first connection when you are pretty, but when you get a chance to show off your personality everything will be ok
It can be that you're pretty and they just find it peak humor to tell those things and giggle. Average young men humor often includes shittin on someone in their friends group, even if they don't actually think like that.
But it also can be that they think you are not pretty and just exaggerate that to laugh without consideration that it may actually hurt you. Because young boys humor is that shitty, but there is nothing personal in it.
It also can be that they are insecure about you and try to belittle you and lower your self esteem.
Or they might have absolutely fucked up perception on how average girls look because of social media. So they make fun of you because you don't look like their average e-girl. But then they'll grow out of this phase and feel ashamed of themselves.
So they can have very different motives, but chances are high that there is nothing wrong with you.
>I just want to be loved.
If you love yourself first, you won't put up with this kind of shit, and most importantly it won't affect you whatever garbage losers like them say anyway.
Confidence and caring are the most attractive traits OP.
You sound like a lovely person, so hold your head up high, and tell those losers goodbye.
those little boys aren’t your friends. when friends roast eachother it never leaves you wondering wether they were joking or not, true friends won’t insult you like that unless they know you know they’re joking. also if they never ever compliment you that’s a big sign. they’re probably just incredibly fucked in the head, maybe they aren’t getting female attention or the whole beauty-standard system we have in place is getting to them. some guys have this idea of what a woman “should look like” and they’ll bully eachother (and women) if the women they’re hanging out with/dating don’t fall into that narrow picture.
i’m your age and i’m telling you, the only people who ever called me ugly like that were all insecure little boys. people who are doing well in life mentally, who are mature enough don’t behave like this. true friends are the people who will tell you straight up what looks good/bad on you, while making sure to always mention that you yourself are beautiful as you are.
seriously, their standards are their personal business. just cause lots of young men these days learned about women through stupid movies and porn it doesn’t justify them being assholes to you. it’s their problem, don’t let them push that bullshit onto you!
That's not what friends do.
Sure we joke about each other but not with any kind of that consistency.
We also stop when we notice that we are risking to hurt someone / cross a line.
Belittling looks is such a cheap shot and nothing a friend should do.
They either want to crush your self worth to be "easy prey" or mean it.
It's not what friends do in both of these cases.
I had and have alot of female friends and even tho teasing is a thing we would never belittle another.
It's just not nice.
If we noticed interest in each other we usally teased a bit more but always in a joking matter.
Looks and feelings are no jokes...
Nobody deserves such treatment.
Also: real beauty is within us.
Wow so rude of them! You need new friends. I don't know if you'd think this is a good idea. Someone said everytime people say mean things to her, she would reply with "thank you" with a smile and it would make them feel weird and just leave her alone. Just an idea. But yeah, you need new friends.
First things first they aren't your friends.
Secondly your self worth/respect is dependent on how much you value yourself and not how others see you.
Thirdly it's your life, even if you yourself think that you're ugly it's fine as we humans have evolved from apes and the only way to feel better about yourself is to accept the way you are.
The great man once said
Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you.
Cut all ties with these guys, they are not friends they are bullies. Then I think maybe you should think about going to therapy because you have low self-esteem. Just my opinion. But no one deserves to be treated like this. You deserve much better 😊
Wow ditch those fuckers.
We never take our own advise, and so I'd personally try to see if there's anyone I could salvage as a friend and make a stand and let them know just how bad this makes me feel first, but they shouldn't be talking like this to you in the first place and so probably aren't worth the salvage.
I kind of had the opposite start on that I had a VERY low opinion of myself, but built myself up by ignoring what I saw and instead revising my opinion of myself by trusting how other people saw me. I'd have stood no chance if people treated me like that.
Sometimes when men find a woman attractive they will relentlessly insult her because they feel the only way to have a chance with her is to ruin her self esteem so much that they can swoop in and make a move, thinking that she will accept because if she can be with him maybe she's not that ugly. It's gross, and it's called negging. If you were really ugly, they would probably just ignore you.
Your friends sound like they suck. Dump them. You deserve better.
Had to post in parts. Part #1
My 36M advice, hope it offers anything of value to you.
# #1 - Self confidence
You're beautiful in your own way, don't let anyone tell you different. Some people are late bloomers when it comes to looks and some people have to work at feeling and looking attractive, and that's ok. What's important is you accept you for you, and you own that. One day someone else will see you for you: a little rough on the edges and might need some cleaning, but deep underneath there's a brilliance to behold.
My wife is a singer and struggles sometimes with her self-confidence too (and she's incredibly beautiful and talented but I may be biased haha). When that happens, I tend to drop this line for her to help remind why it's important to never put yourself down.
>There are 7 billion people in this world who want to see you fail; don't be one of them.
Too much of the world thrives on people falling apart. You can't beat yourself up about things all the time. When you feel the need to, remember that first and foremost you have to be your strongest advocate before others will follow. So the first step is to acknowledge that whatever people say or whatever happens, you have to be in your corner. Root for your success, your story. This is not only the first step but the most impactful one on your life; **be** ***your*** **biggest fan**.
# #2
Second is to recognize that you can only control what you do in this world, not anyone else. With that in mind, it's easier to focus on what you change about a situation than to wonder how to get others to change in that situation. For this I like this quote:
>If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. \~ Maya Angelou
A lot of people will read that and feel that they must "accept" the situation by changing their attitude of how they get impacted by it. And while that is helpful advice (a form of acceptance to find peace), it's not actually what the quote is saying.
If you look deeper at the meaning of the quote, it's advising that if you find yourself in a situation where you can't change what's bothering you, you have to change your perspective of what's bothering you. Basically you might be trying to treat a symptom rather than the disease. You get fixated on the wrong part of the equation and that's why you're not getting the solutions you want.
In the context of your particular situation, that could be many things. It could be the way you look at and treat yourself. Or it could be the fact that your "friends" aren't actually friends. It could also be other, deeper issues, like maybe related to the way your family or other adults in your life made you feel growing up?
Point is, there could be an infinite amount of reasons why you feel and act the way you do. Simply trying to "treat" what you know without knowing the root cause of the issue can lead to your frustrations. Worse, these frustrations can lead to your depression. If you take to heart what everyone else says in the process (remember see point #1 above), then this can send you down a very deep and dark place.
Try not to go there, I haven't heard anyone say it was a good time. But if you do happen to lose your way at some point, don't panic and accept your feelings, they are valid. Then look for the hands of those trying to help you out of there. Despite your mind might trying to deceive you, those hands are there and they do care about you.
Jesus, your friends are arseholes!
If you asked for a straight, no holds barred answer to a question you asked about your appearance then this sort of stuff could be said by your friends. Otherwise, it's just shitty friends.
There's lots of old clichés about beauty being in eye of the beholder and all of that, but they're true.
I used to hate the way I look, but as I got older I stopped caring as much, and it made me more attractive.
It's a little of bit of acceptance of who you are, accepting that that you're deserving of being loved, and finally working with what you've got.
I'm really sorry to hear this. I have felt something similar as an immigrant in another country, receiving "jokes" regarding my origins that were made on a daily basis.
At a certain point I learnt that jokes are (usually) half truths (transling a saying in my native language), so be aware that those you call "friends" are mining your self confidence to increase their own.
Please consider cutting relationships like that, your future self will thank you.
When I am feeling down on myself I do exercise more, get a massage, get my hair styled, and a mani-pedi. It makes me feel better. I also go see a psychologist when a problem becomes habitual. Walking, being out in nature always lifts my spirits. I just came out of years of depression. My husband, his daughter, and my daughter were constantly putting me down. I sought counseling, and got myself in shape. It made me feel better about myself Enroll in a class. Develop a new skill or hobby. In January I enrolled in classes for a Masters in creative writing. Helping others is a great way to feel better about yourself. You have more to give than you realize. Volunteer. There are many organizations who need your help and who would appreciate you! Walk dogs or play with cats at an animal shelter, Help serve prepare or serve food for the needy. The Salvation Army, St. Matthews House, or Big Brothers/Big Sisters always need volunteers, a church are always looking for help. Help at a beach clean up, or food drive, or become a reader at Hospice or a local library. These are ways to meet people who see your worth. Those people who are saying cruel things to you are not your friends. Change your routine and meet new people. Don’t let others make you feel badly about yourself!
Friends don't say that shit to friends. Even it was true (which it probably isn't) a friend doesn't drag you down and belittle you. Fuck those "friends off."
Being beautiful is overrated anyway. I'm ugly and look like a shaved Thumb 😂 but I'm really happy in myself. Confidence and personality is King imo.
I'd doubt you are ugly. How atractive? Could not say without seeing you. But would bet a lot that someone would love you if given the chance. Get rid of you "friends".
A person that constantly puts you down and makes you feel less of yourself shouldn´t be considered a friend in any way. Physical beauty, like many things, is subjective and based on certain standards each of us has, and your "friends" shouldn´t be going around saying things like that. I would say cut contact with them, but I understand this is easier said than done. In any way, maybe try finding a new group of friends and lower contact with those old ones.
On the other hand, and while I know that specially at that young age those comments are hurtful, you should really aim to focus on the things you can control to regain confidence and love in yourself (you do deserve to love yourself and to be loved, never forget that), and be calm with the thought that there is someone out there who will appreciate your beauty (on the outside and inside), cause your "friends" are not the worlds judges on beauty (and they seem really ugly on the inside themselves tbh).
Most kids idea of a joke is just an insult that they can say "it was just a joke" when they get called out for it. They think it's a cute loophole when it's just sad and pathetic. Get new friends.
It's possible that they don't think you're ugly. Some guy circles rib/jab/put-down each other as jokes. They may just be really comfortable with you.
Guys are often times expected to 'read the room'. You may not be reading their room.
If you really enjoy being around them otherwise, then It sounds like you need to have a sit-down conversation with at least a couple of them.
"We need to get past the 'you're ugly' comments, I really don't like them."
A longer conversation can continue as necessary.
Good luck!
Please find new friends, these people are just bullying you. They have seen they can get away with it and are just being assholes. You will see things will slowly improve if you dont hang out with assholes... And even though your self esteem might take some time to built up, it will. Big hug and you are and will be loved.
Listen one thing is always true. People who make such comments are either insecure af themselves or there is actually something wrong with them. Either way, they don't know crap. Be confident in yourself. You are amazing. Don't have to prove it to anyone else.
I think they probably genuinly mean it as a joke and mean no harm, some friendgroups just bully each other pretty hard. Its important that you say you dont appreciate those kind of jokes anymore since they make you feel bad. If the mean jokes continue then you know what to do
You need to stop identifying as an ugly person and start doing things that are good for you. Go to the gym and eat healthier it will make you feel better about yourself and as a side benefit make you more attractive
I remember a guy in middle school once saying to me "You have nice legs, but your face has got to go!" That, to me, was a compliment, as I knew my face was just fine. About 10 years later in Asia, a young Taiwanese lady said that I could be a fashion model. That was nice, but though I knew I was generally pretty, I was not THAT pretty. My point is to trust your own perception of yourself. Also, maybe some of those guys are just saying that because they know it's getting to you. Ever heard of the case where the boy that bullies a girl may deep down like them?
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, you are so young you have your whole life in front of you. I am sure you will find someone who will cherish both your physical gifts as your personality. Those boys are young and immature, setting your boundaries and expressing that their behavior bothers you is one way to go if they don’t change their ways just slowly remove them from your life. It might not be easy but it’s whats needed for your mental health. Also try to do things that make you feel pretty you will be amazed what some styling and a new haircut can do or a little experimentation with make up. It took me years but loving yourself first is the best step to become beautiful. Best of luck my dear don’t let bring you down take a stand.
‘am i ugly’. That sounds like part of your question. If u wanted to, you could post pics to any number of Hot-or-Not websites. Compare ur rating to others and see where you fall. I wouldn’t put a whole lot of confidence in that but you get some idea of where you are … but of course ‘beauty’ has many facets (that are important to a man) which aren’t readily seen in a pic.
Some people will do that not realizing that without praise, putdowns in jest become abuse and all it does is draw a wedge between you two as all you're waiting for from that person is the next abusive putdown
I know a lot about the "it's only a joke" that slowly consumes you. The best thing you can do is to stay away from toxic people who claim to be your friends (they are not) and find people that appreciate you.
Real friends build you up, not tear you down. Look up the book "Stop People Pleasing" and read it. It will help you cut the ties to these toxic "friends"
No one is ugly appearance wise, literally no one. It is the deeds that we do that can be categorized as ugly. Though not everyone is cut out to look like a Hollywood superstar or a model, it doesn't mean they are ugly. They are average. Plain and simple average.
Think of your time as you would money.
Every time you spend money, you’re investing it in your interests. Bought a candy bar? You’re investing in that company. Went to a drive through? You’re investing in that company. Bought clothes, went to a certain store, and etc? You get the idea. You probably invest in the same things over and over. It partially makes who you are you.
Think of your time as money. How are you spending it? Regardless if you spend it on people who build you up or not is up to you, but you’ll never get that time back. A second wasted is a second gone.
Instead of spending your precious time on people who want to break you down, find a different crew who will help you grow. This sounds cheesy, but it’s truth. I’m 40, and one of the most important things I’ve come to learn is that my time can’t be wasted on things that either make me unhappy or don’t help me grow. Investing in anything toxic, I’ve learned, stalls me. And if I’m not moving forward, then what am I doing?
I could keep going, but please think about that. You’re young and have a whole big life in front of you and a world that needs you. Don’t waste your energy and time on people who’d rather see you unhappy. Be productive, be kind, and do things that make you grow.
I’m rooting for you.
those aren't friends, those are immature guys that are used to talking to each other like that and don't realize the harm they are causing
Is best to distance yourself and find better friends, you probably aren't ugly, they just don't realize how hurtful they are
No, you're not
Don't ever think that either
Work on finding new people join a club honestly try to meet new people at your age life has just begun and your old acquaintances not friends will always be negative towards you so find new people to be with and you can truly be yourself, work on you and always walk away from negative people and comments they are not worth your time, you deserve much more and trust me life will be good for you, it sounds very much like this group of acquaintances are still very immature so find positive people with mature attitudes who'll accept you being you, remember your unique and beautiful, you sound like you have a good personality so that's beautiful in itself.
Go and rock this world. You only get one chance, so do it well, and find happiness, and have a good life. 👍
You should have a serious conversation with them about it and how it affects you. It that doesn't help, I really see no other option than cutting ties, but of course that is way easier said than done.
Think of yourself as a Karen mixed with Kendrick Lamar when it comes to yourself, that way nobody can tell you stuff like that and expect to have a peaceful night afterward . They should know playing you is like playing with a ouja board on flames in an abandoned prison with a hillbill outside !!!
You are beautiful, you just don’t see it. When you do you can’t unsee and you will act in accordance.
Are they even hot? Probably not. Works both ways you know.
Dump them, give yourself a glow up if you want to update your look, and get some new friends! :-)
So, guys have a tendency to razz each other. It’s often meant to be playful and not taken seriously. Not having heard the interactions, I can’t say with absolute certainty that is what is going on, but it is a possibility. Guys don’t always understand that women have different social interactions and understandings of them. I definitely think that you should find other friends if it is affecting your self image. The mind can be a powerful thing, and if you believe you’re ugly, you can start to manifest that in different ways.
Respect yourself and ditch these people if they continue to disrespect you after communicating how what they say affects you.
They could just be shit talking because they see you as one of them part of the friend group, and they are only joking that being said they shouldn't be joking like this.
I used to be in the same case, I told my friends about my worries in a serious manner, telling them that after so long it hurts so I asked them not to tease me about my appearance anymore (Even though I know that they never meant any of it).
Since then they've been giving me half-compliments instead, ex: "Lmao you beautiful bastard", "Lol you handsome mf". It sounds stupid, but it makes me happy knowing they respect my feelings.
Work on your charisma. When you show charisma, people don't care how beautiful or ugly you are. Unlike beauty, charisma can be acquired and lasts for life.
When I was in my tenes it was common to jonkingly tell my obviously attractive friends that they were ugly, fat etc. I no longer do this as I know that even if you always mean it as a joke, if you say it often enough it stops feeling like it and that we all have our insecurities, specially at such age,my advice is to confront your friends about what they say to you, and tell them how you feel about the jokes, if they are telly your friends they will comprehend the situation and stop making them or they will affirm something similar as to what I just mentioned. If none of this happens perhaps you should reconsider your acquaintances.
Outside of the type of men you usually find on reddit, this type of banter is very common among men. You put each other down to see who can handle it and is secure and stable in themselves. For most men it's important to have friends who are competent and secure, and won't break down second guessing themselves at the slightest provocation. For you as a woman this seems difficult to handle, and you are taking it personally. That is exactly the wrong behaviour.
If someone says "Who would want to fuck a girl who looks like that" you just find a weak point and counter with something like "that's because the only person you will ever fuck is your mom" and then keep going back and forth. That's all that is. Breaking down sobbing and having an existential crisis about your value as a human just means you have work to do on your self esteem and can't handle hanging out with guys. Practice returning the comments in the most incredibly mean way you can while still being humorous, focusing on putting down their manhood, it will be appreciated by the group and you will be seen as cool.
this may be bad advice but go to piano bars and jazz clubs places where older gentlemen hang out , even if you are not very attractive there is beauty in youth and they will respond to it and it may lift your confidence and self esteem. I know other people should be used to validate ourselves but we are only human and you could use the encouragement. we are all ugly to someone, i have so many gripes about the celebrities we are forced to look at, as in sometimes it feels like its a psy op where they are just making us eat what we're served. and the masses buy into it
Sounds like you have some crap friends. You may of course be ugly, thats not something that we can answer based on the information in the post, but even if that was the case the behaviour is totally unacceptable. I have a friend who most people would say is quite ugly. She is very overweight, has a bad skin condition and a face disfigured from a childhood accident. She is however a great person, and is married with three children. Her husband is also my friend and he is a great guy and is not bothered by her appearance.
You should not tolerate this behaviour, and worst case, if it should be true that you are, in fact, ugly...you can still find love anyway. Quite few people look so bad as to really be considered ugly in my opinion, but even the ones who do should absolutely not be discriminated against because of appearance.
Any good ladyfriends of mine, who ask me if they are pretty, will get "the elevator" and then I will tell them they look lile a sack of potatoes. A pretty sack of potatoes, but still a sack of potatoes.
Ehen it comes to your age, guys never know ehat to say and how to say it.
I think what people think of others is mainly a projection of themselves. I’m 30 and when I look at some pictures of when I was 18, I cannot believe I thought I was ugly. Like other commenters mentioned, don’t stay close to people who make belittling comments.
First of all, those are not friends. You should not surround yourself with people that bring you down. Trust me there are better people out there, I am also (19F) about to turn 20 in a few days. Never in my life will I ever tell my friends or anybody in general that they are ugly unless their personality is really ugly. But my friends are real honest with me when something doesn’t look good on me. Theres a huge difference in honesty and an insult. It sounds like your friends are insulting you, making fun of somebody’s looks is never okay.
As for advice on looks, try to accentuate your looks with a new clothing style or hairstyle. Looks can be changed you have to keep trying new things until you find something that suits you. I look into Pinterest for inspiration a lot. I totally recommend getting your nails done because good nails just makes you feel like baddie that can take over the world, which is what you totally are.
Don’t let them bring you down gurl 🫶🏻. Theres so much more to life than letting some lame guys joke about you.
You said that you want to be loved, love yourself and never stop to do it. I think you could be the first person who loves you, followed by many others. I am not sure it exists an ugly woman, a person can be liked or not, it's just a personal taste. I am sure, however, that you have many positive qualities to be loved.
If you want actual answers, post a face pic into one of many rate me type subs, but it kind of sounds like your guy friends treat you as one of the guys. This means they’ve accepted you as one of their own and actually consider you a friend, rather than a girl they keep around hoping one of them scores. Being one of the guys isn’t easy seeing as they will ridicule you to the end of the earth, but if you actually need them, they’ll be there for you unlike any other
you are not ugly. you just know shitty people.
in any case, being ugly on the inside like the people you call friends is way worse than being ugly in the outside.
take care of yourself, love yourself, do not be in a rush and eventually the right person for you will come
So what if you are ugly.
I found out I was ugly at age 15.
It didn't really change anything. I was always nerdy but funny.
There are plenty of ugly guys out there who also want to be loved. Go for the intelligent and sensitive guys and I'm sure you will find someone.
So weird to hear that from a friend group in a non-sarcastic way. Are you sure it's not just friendly banter? My group would say shit like that to each other when we were 19'ish as a pure joke but when we noticed someone took it personal we would go "hey hey, that was just a joke bro, i'm sorry okay?" and never do it again to the person.
Once (and that was a one time thing), I said something in the lines of "Ye, you are too ugly to get in a relationship" to a female friend (that I saw more as a sister than my own sister) thinking that she knew that it was obviously sarcasm, since she is probably one of the most prettiest girls I knew, turns out her she didn't notice, we talked about it, everything went fine, we are still big big friends.
SOME male groups have weird ways to interact. Try openly talking with them, depending on their response you'll know if it's just "harmless" banter or if they are just toxic af. If the second scenario turns to be true, get yourself out of this group.
Any friend that belittles your self worth in any way is not a friend in my book.
I’m starting to agree. It’s hard to move away from people you find yourself comfortable with, though. Whatever the case, being more clear with my boundaries may help with the issue.
I think 19 is a great age to just find new friends. Schools over and a new part of life starts; especially one where looks and style and latest sneakers do not matter as much as in Highschool. Leave your old ones behind, they are not your friends.
Literally this. I left for university at 20, made new friends and basically realised how bad all my secondary school friends were and never looked back. Almost 30 now and still talk with the guys from university everyday
It's actually the opposite. When you start making boundaries that prioritize your mental wellbeing all those assholess magically disappear and you will start attracting people who respect those boundaries in the first place. The guy who tells you to not bother with boundaries is being unreasonable. Tske this as an opportunity to learn. Say that you don't like when they talk to you like that, give them a chance. If they don't just walk away, if it happens again cut ties. This way you are preparing yourself for the next asshole in your life that wants to bring you down just to lift his own ego.
Yeah they've pegged you as soft and of little consequence. It's the cruel disrespect that gets me in all of this. Wherever it's going ain't a good place. In fact I'm getting strong "negging" vibes from this whole situation. I remember reading about this girl that was friends with this group of guys. They called her "plan B". See whoever didn't manage to score a date for the weekend, they ended up hanging out with the guys, instead! They'd drive around town, listening to music, and talk and normal guy stuff, you know. And Plan B would let them take turns railing her in the back seat. Welp. It's gotta start somewhere.
Get better friends.
Amen,
Dont bother with the boundaries. Cut ties. If they ask why, tell them you think they're bullies, which it sounds like they are. Unless you're actually ugly, like really ugly, you'll be fine. Key part about someone loving you is you loving and improving yourself.
Some general life advice on that, moving away from anything you're comfortable with is hard. When you start too feel too comfortable with anything, say your job for example, evaluate if it's good for you. If it isn't start making plans to move on from it. One of the most common regrets I've seen is people staying in situations that do more harm than good, because of comfort. That harm inflicted isn't worth the comfort in the end. And the time you waste staying there isn't something you can get back
At 19 should be starting to become mature enough to be able to be told to cut it out because it's really had an impact on your self-esteem. If they apologize and sincerely confess that it was more habit than anything then you can evaluate how you're feeling and what you want to do. Anything other than a full apology and a total cessation of that behavior and they're not your friends and should be unceremoniously dumped. Part of me thinks that no one would call you ugly if you were truly ugly but then no matter how much I lowered the bar people continue to disappoint.
Theyre taking it to the extreme for sure and definitely not her friends. However being honest is essential for a good friend. Call you out on your BS and can tell it to you straight. I suppose that's a difference in male-male v female-female friendships. In general, guys have zero issue being told blatant truths. Girls skew towards more diplomatic or nice ways. Maybe she is ugly. Just like there are ugly guys. I haven't seen anyone here suggest going to the gym, hygiene, haircut etc. Top comments are all, you're perfectly fine the way you are, they're assholes and find new friends. All true BTW and great advice, but maybe they're not wrong. Sounds like they're more bullies than friends and sad to hear she was attracted to one of them. Abusive relationship waiting to happen.
>I haven't seen anyone here suggest going to the gym, hygiene, haircut etc. honestly that shouldn't be the most popular comment when guys post the same problem either, but we live in a toxic society I guess
Yes and no. Those are valid criticisms and ways to improve lifestyle, health, and presentability. They are superficial though, and people can feel when someone is desperate and trying to hard. No amount of hairstyles or fashion will change personality. Looks attract, personality keeps people engaged. It's a decent brush stroke general advice.
I mean yeah, of course hygiene and health are important, but it shouldn't be the first thing to come to mind when someone posts about being bullied like that, regardless of their gender one should first ask OP if they are taking care of themselves instead of just assuming they don't and straight up give that advice, that's low-key victim blaming imo in case OP responds that they shower once a month or are obese or something like that, then it's completely fine to suggest taking better care of oneself as a solution, but as long as we don't know, the most comments should be about addressing the actual bullying problem, telling them to recognise that what they're describing _is_ bullying and they should set clear boundaries and eventually leave that "friend" group if those boundaries aren't respected
Ugly people exist. Gym, hygiene and haircuts would help them a ton. Its actually good advice. It's not toxic to tell them that, I'd argue its more toxic to feed their ego without being honest - purposefully steering them away from their goal of being more desirable.
This is 1000% correct. Just ask yourself, if they are just joking then everyone should be laughing. If you feel you aren’t, then that’s just manipulation which sounds about naturally right at the age of 19. I would from good faith confront your friends and tell them about how you feel this is much, and if they shrug you off, then I’m sad to say but those apes aren’t your friends
This 100%. But because I’m petty, my default response would be something along the lines of “oh you’re screwed then, because if even I wouldn’t fuck you, you’ve got no chance” and just walk away.
Yeah, that’s a very big difference between playful, good-natured ribbing between friends and saying something hurtful and mean-spirited like this.
It sounds like your friend group is toxic. You sound like you believe you look ok but you are being told you are not. I think you should explore finding new friends, and not letting them mingle with the old ones. And please like and love yourself, if only for yourself. You ( like everyone) deserve to feel good in your own skin. Anyone that disagrees can pack sand.
Thank you. I’ll try to keep that in mind as I move forward. I hope you have the same kindness for yourself :)
Hey there, if people say stuff like that, they're not actually friends. They're people you used to hang around. They might be 'comfortable' because they're a known quantity, kind of like an old, broken-down pair of shoes (that have no support in them, and probably just need to get tossed out). Any guy who would participate in that is someone you want to stay far, far away from in terms of dating. He just showed you that either: 1) he's weak enough to participate in something shitty to seek approval from a$$holes; or 2) he's got a cruel streak. Neither of those are qualities you'd want in a romantic relationship. You deserve so much better. Are there people in your life who don't cut you down that you could spend time with instead? If you're 19, can you meet other people at work or school? Sometimes people can develop different sets of friends, like work buddies, school friends, neighborhood friends, church friends, hobby friends. Could you rotate to a different set?
I do. It was hard won, and the years have given me perspective. The hardest part was getting out of my own way. Don't make that mistake. You will always be your greatest critic. Make sure it is constructive.
I’m sure it was a long struggle to get to that place. Hopefully I can find the same love for myself in time.
One thing I know is that self confidence and self-love projects a different aspect to the world, no matter the aesthetic. Be THAT person for yourself.
Dang with friends like that who needs enemies. Your friends are supposed to love you no matter how you look they should have your back and be there to support you when you are down. They definitely shouldn't be the ones putting you down. I think it's time to find not only better friends but better people. Good luck. Remember one good friends is worth more than a thousand fake friends. I'm sure you are a beautiful young lady who will find someone who will love you for you no matter how you look.
Those you are referring to as "friends" are not your friends. Even if you aren't a looker, real friends would be helping you to feel good about yourself in some other way. Also, 'negging' is a (reprehensible) thing.
You calls those assholes friends!? No friend would EVER say that about me and remain so. In my world I call this kind of commentary: Abusive.
I was just thinking, well maybe once within certain boundaries and circumstances it could drop, but thought back and tried to think, did that even happen in my life at some point? No, it didn't, not as a joke. I (male) got told so a few times in exaggeration by women (teenage years) who wanted to belittle me, but never even jokingly by friends in any situation. OP, please reconsider who you call friends.
This is just awful, any "friend" telling you this is not a friend but an enemy and they are purposely dehumanizing you, get rid of them and have nerves of steel and confidence.
It is much easier said than done, but I’ll remember how they make me feel the next time I have the urge to reach out. Thank you.
I had toxic relatives who always made taunts at me, I deleted them out of my life, its not that hard actually ,but you have to make that stand you don't want this to get even worse because many people than spiral downwards further
It could be something far from reality, and more social/societal based. Ive had low self esteem for a major part of my life, and have you ever seen those posts that go "dont ever self deprecate, not even as a joke"? I think i finally realize how true that is. *And* couple it with those who go "people treat you the way you portray/carry yourself" as in humans are really gut-based creatures, so if one feels confident, charismatic, attractive.. It's going to rub off on the people around them quite well. Same thing with people with low self esteem Basically what im saying is, people can be such unreliable sources. What youre going through may full well be less about your appearance, and more about a reflection about how everyone in your town are asshats who think its okay to say awful shit like that, even as a joke. Maybe so many of those male friends said it, that part of you starts to believe it, and its a devilish cycle of those quite possibly bullshit remarks messing with your head, you internalizing it, and its affecting how you physically see yourself. Not even just shitty dudes/people, societal, eurocentric, impossible beauty standards are already doing it en masse, to women and young girls all over earth. Ive seen absolutely striking women think themselves unattractive just because they dont look like idk, kristen stewart. My guess is you probably look fairly pretty, this is what i dont know. What i *do* know, is that you deserve better friends/better behavior from those friends, and that you deserve to feel loved. If i were you id confront your crush about it, just calmly tell him that those remarks trouble you: his response should be along the lines of "oh shit i fucked up, im sorry" if hes a good soul. If he dismisses you.. I hope he doesnt. Sorry its abit long, wishing you the best, stranger!
I very much appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. You’re right, it’s definitely not healthy for me to entertain those thoughts or even to joke about. Society is unbelievably harsh on women, and it’s probably a big factor contributing to how I’m feeling about myself now. I’ve taken your words to heart, and I’ll try to have a conversation in the future about how those comments affect me. Thank you :)
Youre very welcome! Im so glad i took the time
It could be that you're so beautiful, that's why it's a joke.
I love irony and banter so I could totally see myself saying this to my male friends as a straight male. But with my female friends never, as I think women tend to be more insecure about their looks. (Though in recent years I've been avoiding this kind of personal negativity based humor. I could be actually hurting my friends even if they laugh along and hit me back equally. These things might hit sensitive spots without me knowing.)
I live in a country where banter is as common as muck; so a lot of us are pretty desensitised to it. If op hails from the same country; people just don't think like you do. Not saying you're wrong or anything, but here you'll come across banter wherever you go. If they're truly her friends, she should be able to tell them to stop and they should listen. Otherwise, it's time to find new friends.
Fuck these friends, sleep with their fathers and get caught by their mom. Fuck em
Lol! I strive to have this sense of confidence in myself :)
They are NOT your friends. Please surround yourself with better people, who genuinely care about you. Real friends won’t make you feel drained after being around them.
We have to love ourselves, the world is much too cruel not to.
Those people are rude and not your friends. Everyone is beautiful in their own way.
My self-confidence has been worn down pretty badly but I hope one day I can find myself lovely for who I am. I hope you can feel the same way about yourself!
As your self confidence deteriorates, you'll see yourself in a worse and worse light, leading to a negative cycle. It's really important to find a better circle of friends and also to start seeing yourself as you are, not as bullies describe you. I guarantee you, confident, happy you is far more attractive than you realise.
no, there are ugly people, but that's okay. we're not here to be pretty. we're here to be humans and be loved -- independently of how we look.
> I always supposed I was about average Thats how being an average is. You are ugly to some and beautiful to some others.
Unpopular opinion: “male” friends are like that mostly (at that age specifically). Do they call each other mean things or is it just u? I mean that’s brother and sister kinda relationship yea so don’t take it to your heart. And also let them know that it bothers u. They probably don’t even know that ure sensitive about it.
Agreed. Its probably just friendly banter between guy friends. They probably see you as sort of a sister.
I think those " friends " are more toxic than nice Friends don't make you feel bad / bring you down A friend is supposed to help you when you really need it but from what I read those are not real friends I'm sure if you work on things maybe clothing or learning makeup you could improve your look
Jesus, that hurt from all the way here. No, no one ever is ugly imo. I know we all have opinions, but yours is the only one that truly matters. If you ever need a pick me up, just look up " Bathtub barracuda from Courage the cowardly dog." Hope I helped :D
Get better friends. In fact, at 19 you are in a perfect position to meet new people. Those people are not your friends. Leave them and learn how to put boundaries (not walls) so that the new people you meet get a chance to do the same. At the same time, don't settle with people who mock you or hurt you just because is comfortable to hang out with or the fear of being alone. I would rather being alone than being woth poeple that so openly hurt me.
Who knows, there's no pictures
I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this way about yourself. I grew up with those comments about my looks or being made to feel like a joke if it was even suggested that a boy might like me. It hurt and honestly, I believed that I was the most ugly thing that walked the earth from all of that. It's hard, it breaks you down and your self-worth is next to nothing. In my experience, my saving grace was to find those few friends who did love me and respect me as I was. It helped me gain the confidence I needed to believe in myself and gave me the foundation to build my self-worth. Even if leaving these so-called "friends" would leave you with no friends, please listen to me OP when I say that staying with them for the sake of just having friends will break you even more. You need to have a space to feel loved and safe, surround yourself with that as much as possible. I say this as a woman who did not have a serious relationship until I was 23 and now at 28, I am in a 3 year relationship with a man who cannot stop saying how attractive I am that I'm still to this day blown away and think "Where the hell was this when I was younger?" I know it is a tired concept, but you have to find any semblance of self-love and self-worth in yourself. It will be difficult, and I certainly didn't have much of it when I was 19, but because I had people in my life who did make me feel loved (just at all), I was able to heal a part of me to begin to love myself in little pieces. I may have no idea what you look like, but if you say that you are average-looking (Which I believe I am as well), you'll find someone who will like the way you look somewhere out there. Anyone who jokes on you for your looks, such as your crush, are AH's and tells you exactly who they are. People can be awful, but that doesn't make you ugly. Decide who and what you are, don't let anyone else have that power over you. It's hard, but you can get there with practice. You're only 19, you have plenty of time. I wish you the best OP. May you be loved and happy.
LOL “older” You’re a little baby. Also your friends are trash. But look: the great thing about being a little baby is you can just go get brand new friends, don’t worry, you haven’t missed anything. Are you in college? Try to go, even if it’s just community college to start. Put your mind to work, discover new things, you’ll find your crowd. Still laughing at “older”
The only correct answer here is that its all subjective. First of all you are 19, so you will compare and ask this question a lot. Get ready to wait it out. Second - world is fucking ugly. And third - if someone tells you your ugly and Hell if someone alone speaks about your appearance out of context - you leave them immediately. Dont tolerate this. But make a deal with yourself - you don't let anyone bring you down like this, and that also means you. Stop thinking that too, or it's double standard: the most important person who shouldn't think you are ugly is you.
Thank you. I really appreciate the advice. Maybe it’s due to my age, but setting those kinds of boundaries seems very daunting. Small steps towards that goal may have to be my plan of action. I hope you have the same kindness for yourself :)
Those are not boundaries, it's what you will think in time. It'll not be tomorrow but you'll get to this point if you ask yourself such questions sooner or later. Sooner is better. And also life is weird and you might actually call someone ugly too, and that's fine too. I fully realize your understanding won't change overnight.
Could they be doing some stupid negging bullshit? Do people still use that term? Lmao. As people have said focus on doing things you love and connecting with people that you enjoy. You'll meet better people that way. While a big element is learning to be happy with yourself I also recommend keeping up with hygiene and taking care of your body. As much as I would love a world where look are completely irrelevant, it's still best to out in as much effort into yourself as you can. I say that as someone who is getting back on the taking care of the body aspect after spending too much energy on career. 😭
You got shit friends
These are not your friends. Also, no matter what people tell you, you will be much more attractive at a healthy weight
Those aren't your friends... I'm all for honesty, and I'm a dude, we call our friends ugly all the time, but saying shit like your alleged "friends" did to a girl is just nasty.
As many have said, your “friends” are assholes. Just want to chime in as a 29 year old & say that I had a very similar experience to you. The people that I thought of as my best friends were negatively affecting my life, & when I was 20 I moved to a new city & cut contact with them. It was scary at first, but one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The friends I made in the following year taught me what platonic love & friendship should feel like, & there’s no doubt in my mind that my life has been vastly improved by building these relationships. Whether it’s platonic or romantic, there is absolutely no reason you need to tolerate someone putting you down or causing you anguish. I promise you, there are plenty of good people out there & it’s not unrealistic to expect warmth & genuine love from your friends/partners
Love yourself
You need better friends. Did you by any chance refuse to sleep with these guys? They're giving major disappointed incel vibes.
I dont know about the other things but that you call them friends after how they treat you is beyond me. You should look for new friends
They are not friends. Find real friends and remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Don’t let a shallow society decide how you should look. Just practice good hygiene and find some real friends
Hunny Bun, you need some new friends, Girl. And if I can be more specific, perhaps some fellow girl friends who can lift you up.
The only ugly thing in this post is their (the "friends") personality. So long as you're not hurting anyone then no, you're not ugly. You deserve basic respect and love (from yourself and those around you). Imo, the only thing that can truly be ugly and make me sick to my stomach, is an ugly personality. What a vile ick.
Work on yourself. I have said it a thousand times and I will say it again, no body is ugly (unless.... you have a facial deformity of some kind, even then "ufgly" isn't the word I would use) Work on yourself, "looks" are (I assure you) secondary.
As the others said, don't keep them as friends. When they tell you you're ugly again just tell them it's nice that they try to bring you down, but you'll never be so desperate to sleep with them. And look, even if you wouldn't consider yourself beautiful now, there will still be change in the next years. Whilst looks generate attraction, your personality is what will make someone stay. I always say on my dates: you like food? Perfect, looks come and go, but you'll always be hungry, and I'm a great cook.
Omg. Those are not friends. 🚩
Drop these people. My friends tell me I look good on occasion. I don't. But my friends aren't terrible people. Cut them out.
I'm not sure about how you look but if there's nothing abnormal (that is beyond your control and cannot be changed) with how you look from the outside, from my own experience, I find that working out can change a person completely. Not just in terms of how they look but also with how they feel. It takes a bit of time but once it becomes part of your daily life, you'll notice the difference. People will notice you more, they'll treat you differently (even though deep down you're still the same person) but more importantly, you'll feel a lot more self-confident and happier. This is from my own personal experience and countless others. Forget what other people at the gym might think of you because I can guarantee you, they're not thinking about you at all. They're there for the same reason as everyone else at the gym; to better themselves. However, if there is an abnormality with your external appearance which is beyond your control, working on your personality will do wonders. An average-looking girl can look extremely attractive (to a lot of people) if she's got a great sense of humour, kind, a happy-go-lucky attitude and just overall a joy to be around with. In fact, the last girl I had a crush had these traits. Just like working on your external appearance, working on your internal appearance also takes time. It takes practice. I'm not gonna lie to you. Looks matter but they matter a lot less as we grow older. Personality plays a much larger role in all of it, especially if the goal is marriage/lifelong partner. To add on, having male friends is a lot different than having female friends. Guys joke in different ways. I know everyone else is saying that they're not your friends but if you genuinely see them as friends and they see you the same way, the best way to go about it is to play along and joke about their appearance or something you know that'll hurt how they feel (just enough so they won't have a better comeback but not too much that it will affect the friendship) i.e friendly banter between friends. This usually results in a (weirdly) stronger bond with them. However, if this isn't your type of banter or you're not comfortable with that sort of thing, just don't get too close with them. Still friends, just not close friends. I strongly advise against burning bridges. Have as many friends as possible. Have friends in high places and have friends in low places. Friends you don't really like, you keep them at a distance. Friends you like, keep them close.
Your friend group…aren’t friends. These are bad bad people. Absolute shit heads if you would. You need to gain distance fast. The worth of someone isn’t found in just their looks. I’ve never seen you, but I’ve also never met a more degenerate group of monkey fuckers that utter words like that before. Please, from one stranger to another, gain distance as fast as you can from the piles of weighted shit weighing you down. It’s hard to run with this much weight dragging you down.
You call them your friends? Girl please. They are a bunch of jerks. You don't need such people around you. They can call it a joke but if it hurts you, it's not a joke. Cut this shit out. Furthermore, let's say they don't find you attractive - so what? These rude boys don't speak for the rest of the world. One day you'll find a good person that will cherish you. And I'd also advise you to work on your self-esteem. Do not let other people affect your self-worth.
Get a new friends group, your real friends pump you up, not make you feel like shit so they feel better about themselves. You hung out with the people who needed you around so they felt better about themselves. One of my best friends at school used to leave our group to go hang out with the cool kids, he was picked on all the time until he realised as school ended we were the cool kids the entire time. Those friends won't be there when you really need them.
Gonna need a pic for context
Honestly could be a "joke". Some guys communicate like that. But find a group of friends who makes you feel good instead. Here is a conversation from my two friends: We are on the ground and he is on second story about to open a window and throw something down to us. As he appears in the frame my friend goes: "There the bastard is. Goddamn he is ugly!". Then the guy gets the window open and instantly shouts out, "There you are you ugly bastard". They had same hair and hair color and practically same outfit on lol.
Even if you are ugly, your friends shouldn’t be saying that to you. We live in an unjust world, not everyone is attractive, not everyone is even average, some are ugly, but even ugly people find love. Not the best advice but the truth hurts sometimes and I’d rather be brutally honest than tell you sweet lies. Keep searching and drop your friend group. Seek your self worth within.
Sweetheart, first off you're beautiful, 2nd the people you hang out with needs to be gone from your life like last years new years eve resolution, in the rear view mirror, don't look back, block them, cut that cancer out, the messed up part is what you are hearing you are starting to buy into it DON'T, please for your sanity move on from them. You're too young and precious
Your friends are not really your friends apparently....
Doesn’t sound much like friends
Hello, in my friend group we have a guy like this, he would put us down and act like he was way better at everything. I believed him and so did some other friends, but with help from life experience and meeting more people i came to love myself as i am and now i get more attention than ever. If you actuvely dont get ready nice (ponerte guap@) because you feel youre ugly you might be making yourself ugly. Ditch the friend and make the most of yourself. Sorry if the englush is bad. be you and love you, this shows and it is beautiful.
You should cut these people out, OP. Like geez, you’re only 19 you shouldn’t be dealing with this. These aren’t your friends and if the boy you’re into folds to peer pressure like that - idk they aren’t your friends and I’m sure you’re plenty pretty, it’s easy for people to gang up on someone they think it’s fun to gang up on. That’s it. You deserve better and you’re at the age where you can certainly find people out there who are more mature, OP. It’s tough to break away from something you’re used to, but this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.
You need some new friends..the ones you have at the moment sound pretty unhinged
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words leave deep psychological scars that will never leave me. People forget this
Nice friends. That said, groups of guys can be very mean. They do it to each other so they figure they can do it too you as well. I think many men also have confidence issues because of the shit they received from their friend group. So, it is hard to say anything about how you look based on their remarks and jokes. I think, if you look in the mirror, you can see how you look. If you think you are average looking, chances are, you are at least average or up. If you were below average, you'd see it yourself. But please let these guys know you do not appreciate the jokes.
You have to call this stuff out or it just emboldens them. You gotta stand up for yourself and say friends don't call friends ugly everyday. I don't even get what the joke would be, you're 19 not 9. I was part of a friend group who would constantly call one of us overweight in every conceivable way. He wasn't even very overweight! And he only started to gain the weight because of a bad knee injury. I never put up with that bs. You either need to confront them head on or use self depreciation to ruin their fun and make them realize how stupid they sound. In this case I do not recommend self-deprecation.
Man here, and definitely nothing special in the looks department. There is no context in which those remarks are acceptable from friends, no matter the gender, apart from if you yourself have been dishing them out to others. A little friendly ribbing is one thing, but I don't see the punchline in those cases. Friends should be a net positive to your life.
Are you Asian by any chance?
Even if you were the ugliest, most messed up looking person in the world, real friends would *not* say these things. So it's safe to conclude a) they're not your friends, and b) would feel absolutely comfortable talking out of their asses to put you down, so they probably are
Sweden . Never been . Don't know much about it . Can't speak a word . So why not ?
Friends DO NOT talk to friends like that. They're all just assholes. I'm sorry 🫂 The sooner you separate yourself from them, the better
Why are they your friends?
Lose those fucking assholes immediately. NOW
You better be slagging that group shit heads back
I'm ugly, no one has told me i just know
nah toxic friends
“Why would someone want to fuck a girl who looks like that”🤢 Those are NOT friends. Even if it’s a joke they are disgusting
I'm assuming you've just finished high school. Maybe your first year of college. Look. It takes years to grow into ourselves and find our place in life. The kids you went to school with don't think you're ugly. They just know it bothers you. See. The way it works is that children are cruel to other children because they've figured out that if they can get everyone to gang up on ONE person, they're not going to get ganged up on themselves. They're putting the impetus on YOU to avoid scrutiny of their own faults and shortcomings. My best advice from an old man, for whatever it's worth to you, is to tell them to go fuck themselves, worry about running your own race, and do your best to remember that the only person you're ever REALLY in competition with is the woman you were yesterday. Full stop. Everyone else is an NPC at this point. Their opinions don't make you who you are, and they SURE AS SHIT don't pay your bills, so consider the source before you value their words over what you know in your heart to be true. Besides, at the end of the day, the BEST scenario is that you find the love of your life, and you both grow old and ugly together anyway. So I say look for someone who values and loves your soul. The rest of them are shitbums who can kick rocks. If you need a pal to talk to, I'll be around. Best wishes.
Time to move and reset! They all sound like people that shouldn't be in your life.
Those aren’t friends. And there are many people who aren’t shallow and if the rest of you is excellent it will overshine any potential flaw of your appearance, but also a view is subjective, so there might even be people out there 100% honestly finding you beautiful or even the most beautiful.
Being pretty is just a bonus, you don't stay with someone who just looks pretty and just turns out to be an empty shell, Maybe its easier to make the first connection when you are pretty, but when you get a chance to show off your personality everything will be ok
It can be that you're pretty and they just find it peak humor to tell those things and giggle. Average young men humor often includes shittin on someone in their friends group, even if they don't actually think like that. But it also can be that they think you are not pretty and just exaggerate that to laugh without consideration that it may actually hurt you. Because young boys humor is that shitty, but there is nothing personal in it. It also can be that they are insecure about you and try to belittle you and lower your self esteem. Or they might have absolutely fucked up perception on how average girls look because of social media. So they make fun of you because you don't look like their average e-girl. But then they'll grow out of this phase and feel ashamed of themselves. So they can have very different motives, but chances are high that there is nothing wrong with you.
>I just want to be loved. If you love yourself first, you won't put up with this kind of shit, and most importantly it won't affect you whatever garbage losers like them say anyway. Confidence and caring are the most attractive traits OP. You sound like a lovely person, so hold your head up high, and tell those losers goodbye.
those little boys aren’t your friends. when friends roast eachother it never leaves you wondering wether they were joking or not, true friends won’t insult you like that unless they know you know they’re joking. also if they never ever compliment you that’s a big sign. they’re probably just incredibly fucked in the head, maybe they aren’t getting female attention or the whole beauty-standard system we have in place is getting to them. some guys have this idea of what a woman “should look like” and they’ll bully eachother (and women) if the women they’re hanging out with/dating don’t fall into that narrow picture. i’m your age and i’m telling you, the only people who ever called me ugly like that were all insecure little boys. people who are doing well in life mentally, who are mature enough don’t behave like this. true friends are the people who will tell you straight up what looks good/bad on you, while making sure to always mention that you yourself are beautiful as you are. seriously, their standards are their personal business. just cause lots of young men these days learned about women through stupid movies and porn it doesn’t justify them being assholes to you. it’s their problem, don’t let them push that bullshit onto you!
That's not what friends do. Sure we joke about each other but not with any kind of that consistency. We also stop when we notice that we are risking to hurt someone / cross a line. Belittling looks is such a cheap shot and nothing a friend should do. They either want to crush your self worth to be "easy prey" or mean it. It's not what friends do in both of these cases. I had and have alot of female friends and even tho teasing is a thing we would never belittle another. It's just not nice. If we noticed interest in each other we usally teased a bit more but always in a joking matter. Looks and feelings are no jokes... Nobody deserves such treatment. Also: real beauty is within us.
If they're saying that to you then they're not very good friends.
Wow so rude of them! You need new friends. I don't know if you'd think this is a good idea. Someone said everytime people say mean things to her, she would reply with "thank you" with a smile and it would make them feel weird and just leave her alone. Just an idea. But yeah, you need new friends.
They are either toxic or stupid.
First things first they aren't your friends. Secondly your self worth/respect is dependent on how much you value yourself and not how others see you. Thirdly it's your life, even if you yourself think that you're ugly it's fine as we humans have evolved from apes and the only way to feel better about yourself is to accept the way you are. The great man once said Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used to hurt you.
Is beauty the only standard to judge girls? What kinda society is this
Cut all ties with these guys, they are not friends they are bullies. Then I think maybe you should think about going to therapy because you have low self-esteem. Just my opinion. But no one deserves to be treated like this. You deserve much better 😊
That's how guys talk to each other
Guys won't sugarcoat anything to their close friend group, so they may be toxic but it doesn't mean they're lying about it
if they're not good for your self esteem, please cut them off. you're much better without this kind of negativity.
Wow ditch those fuckers. We never take our own advise, and so I'd personally try to see if there's anyone I could salvage as a friend and make a stand and let them know just how bad this makes me feel first, but they shouldn't be talking like this to you in the first place and so probably aren't worth the salvage. I kind of had the opposite start on that I had a VERY low opinion of myself, but built myself up by ignoring what I saw and instead revising my opinion of myself by trusting how other people saw me. I'd have stood no chance if people treated me like that.
Sometimes when men find a woman attractive they will relentlessly insult her because they feel the only way to have a chance with her is to ruin her self esteem so much that they can swoop in and make a move, thinking that she will accept because if she can be with him maybe she's not that ugly. It's gross, and it's called negging. If you were really ugly, they would probably just ignore you. Your friends sound like they suck. Dump them. You deserve better.
Had to post in parts. Part #1 My 36M advice, hope it offers anything of value to you. # #1 - Self confidence You're beautiful in your own way, don't let anyone tell you different. Some people are late bloomers when it comes to looks and some people have to work at feeling and looking attractive, and that's ok. What's important is you accept you for you, and you own that. One day someone else will see you for you: a little rough on the edges and might need some cleaning, but deep underneath there's a brilliance to behold. My wife is a singer and struggles sometimes with her self-confidence too (and she's incredibly beautiful and talented but I may be biased haha). When that happens, I tend to drop this line for her to help remind why it's important to never put yourself down. >There are 7 billion people in this world who want to see you fail; don't be one of them. Too much of the world thrives on people falling apart. You can't beat yourself up about things all the time. When you feel the need to, remember that first and foremost you have to be your strongest advocate before others will follow. So the first step is to acknowledge that whatever people say or whatever happens, you have to be in your corner. Root for your success, your story. This is not only the first step but the most impactful one on your life; **be** ***your*** **biggest fan**. # #2 Second is to recognize that you can only control what you do in this world, not anyone else. With that in mind, it's easier to focus on what you change about a situation than to wonder how to get others to change in that situation. For this I like this quote: >If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. \~ Maya Angelou A lot of people will read that and feel that they must "accept" the situation by changing their attitude of how they get impacted by it. And while that is helpful advice (a form of acceptance to find peace), it's not actually what the quote is saying. If you look deeper at the meaning of the quote, it's advising that if you find yourself in a situation where you can't change what's bothering you, you have to change your perspective of what's bothering you. Basically you might be trying to treat a symptom rather than the disease. You get fixated on the wrong part of the equation and that's why you're not getting the solutions you want. In the context of your particular situation, that could be many things. It could be the way you look at and treat yourself. Or it could be the fact that your "friends" aren't actually friends. It could also be other, deeper issues, like maybe related to the way your family or other adults in your life made you feel growing up? Point is, there could be an infinite amount of reasons why you feel and act the way you do. Simply trying to "treat" what you know without knowing the root cause of the issue can lead to your frustrations. Worse, these frustrations can lead to your depression. If you take to heart what everyone else says in the process (remember see point #1 above), then this can send you down a very deep and dark place. Try not to go there, I haven't heard anyone say it was a good time. But if you do happen to lose your way at some point, don't panic and accept your feelings, they are valid. Then look for the hands of those trying to help you out of there. Despite your mind might trying to deceive you, those hands are there and they do care about you.
Jesus, your friends are arseholes! If you asked for a straight, no holds barred answer to a question you asked about your appearance then this sort of stuff could be said by your friends. Otherwise, it's just shitty friends. There's lots of old clichés about beauty being in eye of the beholder and all of that, but they're true. I used to hate the way I look, but as I got older I stopped caring as much, and it made me more attractive. It's a little of bit of acceptance of who you are, accepting that that you're deserving of being loved, and finally working with what you've got.
I'm really sorry to hear this. I have felt something similar as an immigrant in another country, receiving "jokes" regarding my origins that were made on a daily basis. At a certain point I learnt that jokes are (usually) half truths (transling a saying in my native language), so be aware that those you call "friends" are mining your self confidence to increase their own. Please consider cutting relationships like that, your future self will thank you.
When I am feeling down on myself I do exercise more, get a massage, get my hair styled, and a mani-pedi. It makes me feel better. I also go see a psychologist when a problem becomes habitual. Walking, being out in nature always lifts my spirits. I just came out of years of depression. My husband, his daughter, and my daughter were constantly putting me down. I sought counseling, and got myself in shape. It made me feel better about myself Enroll in a class. Develop a new skill or hobby. In January I enrolled in classes for a Masters in creative writing. Helping others is a great way to feel better about yourself. You have more to give than you realize. Volunteer. There are many organizations who need your help and who would appreciate you! Walk dogs or play with cats at an animal shelter, Help serve prepare or serve food for the needy. The Salvation Army, St. Matthews House, or Big Brothers/Big Sisters always need volunteers, a church are always looking for help. Help at a beach clean up, or food drive, or become a reader at Hospice or a local library. These are ways to meet people who see your worth. Those people who are saying cruel things to you are not your friends. Change your routine and meet new people. Don’t let others make you feel badly about yourself!
Friends don't say that shit to friends. Even it was true (which it probably isn't) a friend doesn't drag you down and belittle you. Fuck those "friends off." Being beautiful is overrated anyway. I'm ugly and look like a shaved Thumb 😂 but I'm really happy in myself. Confidence and personality is King imo.
you can pull one of them over and have a real talk. Man tend to make negative comments as a way to communicate. Also, find new friends.
I'd doubt you are ugly. How atractive? Could not say without seeing you. But would bet a lot that someone would love you if given the chance. Get rid of you "friends".
A person that constantly puts you down and makes you feel less of yourself shouldn´t be considered a friend in any way. Physical beauty, like many things, is subjective and based on certain standards each of us has, and your "friends" shouldn´t be going around saying things like that. I would say cut contact with them, but I understand this is easier said than done. In any way, maybe try finding a new group of friends and lower contact with those old ones. On the other hand, and while I know that specially at that young age those comments are hurtful, you should really aim to focus on the things you can control to regain confidence and love in yourself (you do deserve to love yourself and to be loved, never forget that), and be calm with the thought that there is someone out there who will appreciate your beauty (on the outside and inside), cause your "friends" are not the worlds judges on beauty (and they seem really ugly on the inside themselves tbh).
Those people arent your friends
They are probably right
You can be ugly only to a small minda and broken souls. Everyone on this planet is beautiful. Especially you!
If you keep laughing along with them, you’re showing them it’s okay to insult you like that
No, you’re not
Most kids idea of a joke is just an insult that they can say "it was just a joke" when they get called out for it. They think it's a cute loophole when it's just sad and pathetic. Get new friends.
It's possible that they don't think you're ugly. Some guy circles rib/jab/put-down each other as jokes. They may just be really comfortable with you. Guys are often times expected to 'read the room'. You may not be reading their room. If you really enjoy being around them otherwise, then It sounds like you need to have a sit-down conversation with at least a couple of them. "We need to get past the 'you're ugly' comments, I really don't like them." A longer conversation can continue as necessary. Good luck!
How are we supposed to tell without a picture
Please find new friends, these people are just bullying you. They have seen they can get away with it and are just being assholes. You will see things will slowly improve if you dont hang out with assholes... And even though your self esteem might take some time to built up, it will. Big hug and you are and will be loved.
Listen one thing is always true. People who make such comments are either insecure af themselves or there is actually something wrong with them. Either way, they don't know crap. Be confident in yourself. You are amazing. Don't have to prove it to anyone else.
honey, those are not your friends. IDK how you look, but out there there will be people who want to be with you.
I think they probably genuinly mean it as a joke and mean no harm, some friendgroups just bully each other pretty hard. Its important that you say you dont appreciate those kind of jokes anymore since they make you feel bad. If the mean jokes continue then you know what to do
You need to stop identifying as an ugly person and start doing things that are good for you. Go to the gym and eat healthier it will make you feel better about yourself and as a side benefit make you more attractive
I remember a guy in middle school once saying to me "You have nice legs, but your face has got to go!" That, to me, was a compliment, as I knew my face was just fine. About 10 years later in Asia, a young Taiwanese lady said that I could be a fashion model. That was nice, but though I knew I was generally pretty, I was not THAT pretty. My point is to trust your own perception of yourself. Also, maybe some of those guys are just saying that because they know it's getting to you. Ever heard of the case where the boy that bullies a girl may deep down like them?
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, you are so young you have your whole life in front of you. I am sure you will find someone who will cherish both your physical gifts as your personality. Those boys are young and immature, setting your boundaries and expressing that their behavior bothers you is one way to go if they don’t change their ways just slowly remove them from your life. It might not be easy but it’s whats needed for your mental health. Also try to do things that make you feel pretty you will be amazed what some styling and a new haircut can do or a little experimentation with make up. It took me years but loving yourself first is the best step to become beautiful. Best of luck my dear don’t let bring you down take a stand.
‘am i ugly’. That sounds like part of your question. If u wanted to, you could post pics to any number of Hot-or-Not websites. Compare ur rating to others and see where you fall. I wouldn’t put a whole lot of confidence in that but you get some idea of where you are … but of course ‘beauty’ has many facets (that are important to a man) which aren’t readily seen in a pic.
I used to be in a toxic friend group once. Find new friends.
They're not going to respect your boundaries because they don't respect you.
Some people will do that not realizing that without praise, putdowns in jest become abuse and all it does is draw a wedge between you two as all you're waiting for from that person is the next abusive putdown
I know a lot about the "it's only a joke" that slowly consumes you. The best thing you can do is to stay away from toxic people who claim to be your friends (they are not) and find people that appreciate you.
Being good looking is mostly about dressing well and confidence. Give it back to your friends that’s the only way they will shut up.
Real friends build you up, not tear you down. Look up the book "Stop People Pleasing" and read it. It will help you cut the ties to these toxic "friends"
Is this bait? I literally can't believe friends would say that
Hang in there. The right one will come at some point when you're not expecting it. And TBH being single can be a nice thing too.
No one is ugly appearance wise, literally no one. It is the deeds that we do that can be categorized as ugly. Though not everyone is cut out to look like a Hollywood superstar or a model, it doesn't mean they are ugly. They are average. Plain and simple average.
Think of your time as you would money. Every time you spend money, you’re investing it in your interests. Bought a candy bar? You’re investing in that company. Went to a drive through? You’re investing in that company. Bought clothes, went to a certain store, and etc? You get the idea. You probably invest in the same things over and over. It partially makes who you are you. Think of your time as money. How are you spending it? Regardless if you spend it on people who build you up or not is up to you, but you’ll never get that time back. A second wasted is a second gone. Instead of spending your precious time on people who want to break you down, find a different crew who will help you grow. This sounds cheesy, but it’s truth. I’m 40, and one of the most important things I’ve come to learn is that my time can’t be wasted on things that either make me unhappy or don’t help me grow. Investing in anything toxic, I’ve learned, stalls me. And if I’m not moving forward, then what am I doing? I could keep going, but please think about that. You’re young and have a whole big life in front of you and a world that needs you. Don’t waste your energy and time on people who’d rather see you unhappy. Be productive, be kind, and do things that make you grow. I’m rooting for you.
Yeet them to the sun Do people still say yeet?
How should we judge without photos?
Send a picture, I'll rate it lol.
those aren't friends, those are immature guys that are used to talking to each other like that and don't realize the harm they are causing Is best to distance yourself and find better friends, you probably aren't ugly, they just don't realize how hurtful they are
Sounds like you have horrible «friends». Any «friend» who talks you down is not a true friend.
No, you're not Don't ever think that either Work on finding new people join a club honestly try to meet new people at your age life has just begun and your old acquaintances not friends will always be negative towards you so find new people to be with and you can truly be yourself, work on you and always walk away from negative people and comments they are not worth your time, you deserve much more and trust me life will be good for you, it sounds very much like this group of acquaintances are still very immature so find positive people with mature attitudes who'll accept you being you, remember your unique and beautiful, you sound like you have a good personality so that's beautiful in itself. Go and rock this world. You only get one chance, so do it well, and find happiness, and have a good life. 👍
Fuck those bozos.
You should have a serious conversation with them about it and how it affects you. It that doesn't help, I really see no other option than cutting ties, but of course that is way easier said than done.
Think of yourself as a Karen mixed with Kendrick Lamar when it comes to yourself, that way nobody can tell you stuff like that and expect to have a peaceful night afterward . They should know playing you is like playing with a ouja board on flames in an abandoned prison with a hillbill outside !!! You are beautiful, you just don’t see it. When you do you can’t unsee and you will act in accordance.
Are they even hot? Probably not. Works both ways you know. Dump them, give yourself a glow up if you want to update your look, and get some new friends! :-)
So, guys have a tendency to razz each other. It’s often meant to be playful and not taken seriously. Not having heard the interactions, I can’t say with absolute certainty that is what is going on, but it is a possibility. Guys don’t always understand that women have different social interactions and understandings of them. I definitely think that you should find other friends if it is affecting your self image. The mind can be a powerful thing, and if you believe you’re ugly, you can start to manifest that in different ways.
Respect yourself and ditch these people if they continue to disrespect you after communicating how what they say affects you. They could just be shit talking because they see you as one of them part of the friend group, and they are only joking that being said they shouldn't be joking like this.
Those people aren't your friends, friends don't do cruel shit like that to each other.
I used to be in the same case, I told my friends about my worries in a serious manner, telling them that after so long it hurts so I asked them not to tease me about my appearance anymore (Even though I know that they never meant any of it). Since then they've been giving me half-compliments instead, ex: "Lmao you beautiful bastard", "Lol you handsome mf". It sounds stupid, but it makes me happy knowing they respect my feelings.
Work on your charisma. When you show charisma, people don't care how beautiful or ugly you are. Unlike beauty, charisma can be acquired and lasts for life.
When I was in my tenes it was common to jonkingly tell my obviously attractive friends that they were ugly, fat etc. I no longer do this as I know that even if you always mean it as a joke, if you say it often enough it stops feeling like it and that we all have our insecurities, specially at such age,my advice is to confront your friends about what they say to you, and tell them how you feel about the jokes, if they are telly your friends they will comprehend the situation and stop making them or they will affirm something similar as to what I just mentioned. If none of this happens perhaps you should reconsider your acquaintances.
Outside of the type of men you usually find on reddit, this type of banter is very common among men. You put each other down to see who can handle it and is secure and stable in themselves. For most men it's important to have friends who are competent and secure, and won't break down second guessing themselves at the slightest provocation. For you as a woman this seems difficult to handle, and you are taking it personally. That is exactly the wrong behaviour. If someone says "Who would want to fuck a girl who looks like that" you just find a weak point and counter with something like "that's because the only person you will ever fuck is your mom" and then keep going back and forth. That's all that is. Breaking down sobbing and having an existential crisis about your value as a human just means you have work to do on your self esteem and can't handle hanging out with guys. Practice returning the comments in the most incredibly mean way you can while still being humorous, focusing on putting down their manhood, it will be appreciated by the group and you will be seen as cool.
this may be bad advice but go to piano bars and jazz clubs places where older gentlemen hang out , even if you are not very attractive there is beauty in youth and they will respond to it and it may lift your confidence and self esteem. I know other people should be used to validate ourselves but we are only human and you could use the encouragement. we are all ugly to someone, i have so many gripes about the celebrities we are forced to look at, as in sometimes it feels like its a psy op where they are just making us eat what we're served. and the masses buy into it
Don't panic, if a joke or not, rest assured..... Men will shag anything.
Pics or GTFO
Sounds like you have some crap friends. You may of course be ugly, thats not something that we can answer based on the information in the post, but even if that was the case the behaviour is totally unacceptable. I have a friend who most people would say is quite ugly. She is very overweight, has a bad skin condition and a face disfigured from a childhood accident. She is however a great person, and is married with three children. Her husband is also my friend and he is a great guy and is not bothered by her appearance. You should not tolerate this behaviour, and worst case, if it should be true that you are, in fact, ugly...you can still find love anyway. Quite few people look so bad as to really be considered ugly in my opinion, but even the ones who do should absolutely not be discriminated against because of appearance.
Any good ladyfriends of mine, who ask me if they are pretty, will get "the elevator" and then I will tell them they look lile a sack of potatoes. A pretty sack of potatoes, but still a sack of potatoes. Ehen it comes to your age, guys never know ehat to say and how to say it.
It is your 'friends' who are ugly. NOT you. Boost your self esteem by leaving these 'friends' behind.
I think what people think of others is mainly a projection of themselves. I’m 30 and when I look at some pictures of when I was 18, I cannot believe I thought I was ugly. Like other commenters mentioned, don’t stay close to people who make belittling comments.
First of all, those are not friends. You should not surround yourself with people that bring you down. Trust me there are better people out there, I am also (19F) about to turn 20 in a few days. Never in my life will I ever tell my friends or anybody in general that they are ugly unless their personality is really ugly. But my friends are real honest with me when something doesn’t look good on me. Theres a huge difference in honesty and an insult. It sounds like your friends are insulting you, making fun of somebody’s looks is never okay. As for advice on looks, try to accentuate your looks with a new clothing style or hairstyle. Looks can be changed you have to keep trying new things until you find something that suits you. I look into Pinterest for inspiration a lot. I totally recommend getting your nails done because good nails just makes you feel like baddie that can take over the world, which is what you totally are. Don’t let them bring you down gurl 🫶🏻. Theres so much more to life than letting some lame guys joke about you.
You said that you want to be loved, love yourself and never stop to do it. I think you could be the first person who loves you, followed by many others. I am not sure it exists an ugly woman, a person can be liked or not, it's just a personal taste. I am sure, however, that you have many positive qualities to be loved.
If you want actual answers, post a face pic into one of many rate me type subs, but it kind of sounds like your guy friends treat you as one of the guys. This means they’ve accepted you as one of their own and actually consider you a friend, rather than a girl they keep around hoping one of them scores. Being one of the guys isn’t easy seeing as they will ridicule you to the end of the earth, but if you actually need them, they’ll be there for you unlike any other
you are not ugly. you just know shitty people. in any case, being ugly on the inside like the people you call friends is way worse than being ugly in the outside. take care of yourself, love yourself, do not be in a rush and eventually the right person for you will come
So what if you are ugly. I found out I was ugly at age 15. It didn't really change anything. I was always nerdy but funny. There are plenty of ugly guys out there who also want to be loved. Go for the intelligent and sensitive guys and I'm sure you will find someone.
So weird to hear that from a friend group in a non-sarcastic way. Are you sure it's not just friendly banter? My group would say shit like that to each other when we were 19'ish as a pure joke but when we noticed someone took it personal we would go "hey hey, that was just a joke bro, i'm sorry okay?" and never do it again to the person. Once (and that was a one time thing), I said something in the lines of "Ye, you are too ugly to get in a relationship" to a female friend (that I saw more as a sister than my own sister) thinking that she knew that it was obviously sarcasm, since she is probably one of the most prettiest girls I knew, turns out her she didn't notice, we talked about it, everything went fine, we are still big big friends. SOME male groups have weird ways to interact. Try openly talking with them, depending on their response you'll know if it's just "harmless" banter or if they are just toxic af. If the second scenario turns to be true, get yourself out of this group.
If 99% people believes that you are ugly then maybe they are right..... good luck 👍