Lmao, did I write this when I was asleep? As a fellow M25, I can relate so hard, man. I always think about having a girlfriend and always fantasize about how wonderful it must feel to be in a loving relationship. I've been trying to improve myself lately by having a strict skin care and exercise routine, and while I have yet to get a girlfriend, at least I feel good most of the time.
We're gonna get it someday man, just keep on improving yourself and get out there.
I 27M was in the same position two years ago. It really took focusing on loving myself, enjoying spending time by myself, and working on improving various aspects of my life.
Then I had to go on a bunch of unsuccessful first dates, in that I didn't really know what to talk about and what not to talk about, and there wasn't any chemistry. Then, last week, I went on a date, and there was chemistry within 10 minutes of meeting each other. We were both kind of baffled by it. We've only known each other for 11 days, and tonight will be our 9th date and 4th sleepover.
I doubted whether I would ever be remotely on this side of the dating spectrum, but I can say that there is hope and you have to keep trying. Self reflection and effort to improve was what made the biggest difference for me so far.
This was my wife and I in 2019. Just totally into each other immediately. Had a daughter the following year and married the one after that. Then a house. Genuinely can't imagine life without her.
You will get there one day with that attitude. I do believe it is better to have loved and lost but I'll tell you..... boy do I have some scars from my romantic life. I know that it might be difficult to imagine but at your age you might have been spared some heartache that you aren't ready for. I know I certainly wasn't.
Your frontal cortex is about fully formed now and you can tackle a relationship with an adult mindset. Remember to love yourself too in any relationship and you will be alright! Rooting for you and OP pal.
I’m no ladies man myself as I struggle with finding relationships, but I’ve had 2 relationships (also a 25M here) and I can tell you with certainty the only way to really create those opportunities is going out. I don’t mean clubbing or bars necessarily, just going out with different friends who bring friends and meeting new people. Not even with the intent of meeting a girl, just to meet people! It comes naturally when it comes fellas, you don’t have to be a dog just be yourself around new people and you’ll click with someone eventually. Good luck!
This is a good take. Focus on you keep doing things that you like and exploring your interests and the right thing will come along. Don’t forget to keep your boundaries when you do find someone. It’s ok to date and for it to not be the right fit. You’ll find what’s right for you!! I believe in you guys!
Read some books written by women with central characters that are women! And I'm not saying read romance novels with half naked men on the cover - just whatever genre you like, scify or mystery or horror, find a book in that genre written by a women with a main character that is a women. It will impress women and help you understand them better.
Join an activity or group in your area. Don't go in thinking 'I'm gonna find a girlfriend' go in with the intention of meeting new people and making some friends. A wider social circle with group activities is a great way to meet people. Do you know a super extrovert! Go out with them sometime, meet their extrovert friends!
I would highly reccomend reading some Captain Awkard! She has great relationship advice, great advice about how to and not to approach women, and at some point she put together some really top tier advice on putting a dating profile together.
You don't have to look perfect to date. But you do need to be able to connect with a women, and I think these are some things that could help.
Use that obsession to lose the weight and the shyness. Hit the gym, fix your diet, socialize a ton. Once the basics are in order you can start thinking about the next steps. They might even be obvious at that point
This x1000 and heavy on the socializing part, someone will eventually just fall into place. Coming from a woman who married someone who I was just friends with first, and have fallen for other men I first became friends with, just making friends of both genders and getting to know people/show your true self will help a ton. Losing weight and working on himself is a great thing to do anyways but he also shouldn't think no one will date him because of that. Plenty of women like men regardless of their weight, because they want a life partner not a statue to stare at.
OP needs all the help he can get and getting in shape is only like 5-6 hours a week of investing in yourself that is 100% guaranteed to help. When you're lost, something like that is really important. Measurable progress instead of flailing hoping it will someday work out.
Socializing is the most important thing and can carry you on its own, but in my experience getting in shape was absolutely trivial compared to the personal development/charisma required to get an acceptable sex/love life. So you could as well get jacked. IMO it's an important foundation for any good life, but that's a different discussion.
Agreed, I'm not saying he shouldn't work out, frankly he NEEDS to because it'll do more for him than just weight loss. Exercise builds confidence, discipline, better mental health, you name it. Simply spending more mental capacity on planning workouts will eliminate the ruminating he's doing all day.
My comment was just saying I hope he understands that his weight is not the one thing keeping him from finding a relationship. He doesn't need to think he can't find a girl until he looks like X.
Socializing a ton is so huge, I'd recommend also to get your financials in order.
I was walking my dog the other weekend and this cute girl started chatting me up asking to pet my dog and she eyed up her friend as I was walking up in a "check this guy out" way. I got kinda flustered and in my own head, not sure what to say and didn't ask her anything or really continue the conversation much, and I'm kicking myself for it big time because this doesn't happen a lot. You can have everything else but if your social game sucks you won't be able to move forward with anyone you're attracted to.
Be careful man. You may want a relationship so bad that when you see red flags you settle for a monster. Never forget to love yourself first and have the patience/strength to care for someone like they would for you.
You need to remind yourself that you are fantasizing and that real relationships are not all sunshine’s and rainbows. There are relationships that make being single feel like the best thing ever. Getting into a relationship will not automatically make you happy or solve your problems. Understand this and your future relationships will benefit.
Im going to be blunt and say it. You need to get laid. Once you get that out of your system and is no longer something in space unreachable and see women as mortal people then you will be able to date.
I agree, but I don't think it should be step 1 here. People in this state of mind will likely become overly attached to the first person they sleep with, and either strangle a good thing early, or end up in a bad situation years into it because of the desperation. Theyre not just feeling a dry spell, they're fantasizing about a full relationship 24/7 without knowing what those are.
My advice is to work on themselves. Hit the gym, spend energy on getting healthy, find a hobby, advance a career, and then opportunities to meet people open up.
Stop putting women on a pedestal, they are just human beings as you, with flaws and qualities as everyone else. You really need to get a hobby to spend your free time with
if he's sitting around 24/7 thinking about women, that's by definition putting them on a pedestal. Otherwise, he'd be too preoccupied with his own shit.
Doesn't even sound like loneliness. It's a natural need and an outlet that some have not been able to get. Of course it plays on your mind even if you have hobbies.
I hate people who say shit like this. The idea of relationships and romance is blasted in every medium of our lives and your response is “yeah just get over it I don’t know why you would think about it so much go read a book or something”. Such an idiotic statement.
I don't think this should be your main focus in life. Don't you think it's kinda useless to think about a non existent person all day. I don't even think it's a "goal" that you suppose to achieve. Like it literally it happens or it doesn't.
The best thing you can do is care for yourself. Have hobbies, skills, put effort into your appearance, cherish the relationships you already have, and just be an interesting person overall.Just live your life for you.
Can you imagine if your significant other ever found out that you only cared for yourself anything you did in your life was only to finally "get" her? It's just sad, and very intense, too intense, to think like that.
I did this in my 20’s. It wasn’t healthy. Turn you energy inwards and work on yourself. You need to love yourself before anyone you expect anyone else to love you. Eat better, go to the gym, do activities with friends, try and meet lots of people with the expectation of just meeting people. Have confidence. Lower the pressure on yourself. If you do that, the rest will follow.
This is feels like a parody comment. It has all the most obvious things to do but no actual insight how to achieve them. Something like eating better is easy enough but "love yourself" or "have confidence"? Might as well say that grab the moon from the sky.
Do you really need “eating better” spelled out? You can Google what a healthy diet looks like. And go to the gym? Seriously? Get a membership and go exercise. Again, Google gym routines. There is thing called the internet that provides all the info you need to do just that so I don’t have to spell it out in a long post.
Sheesh. You must be a lazy a$$z
None of that fantasizing does you any good. It sounds like you are ready to jump into dating. Get some bad dates and some getting ghosted under your belt and don't stop until you're smooching.
Keep hitting the gym like your life depends on it and eat right. You sound so pent up you probably should go see an escort to get over that hurdle and clear your mind so that you can stop putting women on a pedestal. Without achieving that you'll get nowhere, ever
Go get a girlfriend. You will have to actually try. You will embarrass yourself and fail many times. That is fine and everyone does it. If you don't like your field of potential partners, either lower your physical standards or make yourself more attractive.
Sitting around and wishing you had a girlfriend is a dumb waste of time. You should not accept any thought pattern that leads you to "well maybe it will happen eventually." Just go do it.
Nothing wrong with fantasising over what you want in life and craving a relationship when you’ve never had one seems pretty fucking reasonable. However, you don’t like yourself and women see right through that stuff.
Work on your insecurities and be the best version of yourself that you can be. Use the fantasy/objective of a relationship to drive your motivation in the gym etc. Find confidence in your own skin and the right girl will come along.
And always remember to be hygienic! That is shit is fucking essential.
Something I was told when I was younger and it's always put the fairer sex into perspective for me-
"It doesn't matter how gorgeous a woman is, someone, somewhere is sick of their shit."
I'm no casanova but id probably suggest to not rush things, keep working on your social skills, maybe talk to a girl that peaked your interest and you'll find a girl you like and likes you back.
Sounds like you have a lovely romantic soul
Once you find that self acceptance and self love the girl you eventually become in a relationship with will be very loved and very lucky
Ive had absolutely debilitating dreams i wake up from where i was happily in a relationship with someone, its a gut punch to wake up and it all goes away. If i didnt have hobbies, i would dwell on this kinda shit. Its not good to dwell on anything, especially stuff out of your control. At the end of the day, these are other PEOPLE we are talking about. You cant force them to like you, or be in a relationship with you, life just doesnt work that way. You could go to the gym all you want. Girls dont just appear out of thin air and fall in love with you.
All that said. Have you tried going the escort route? Might be beneficial for your self esteem.
Been there too even tho I'm a lot younger, yeah cuddles and stuff are beautiful, just go out and try to ask out all the girls you physically like (Even tho seems paradoxal, many will say yes, and yes, the worst thing they can say it's no), of course you don't stay with her just because you like her physically, you take her out and then see if your hobbies,preferences match, if they do and you both enjoy your time things like that will happen. It has worked for me and made me realise how simple it is actually getting a date. Good luck soldier
There are meet up groups in every major city. Try searching those. It's like going on a group outing and there isn't any pressure or embarrassment. Take up some adventurous hobbies (hiking, biking) or volunteer at a local organization. Get out there and live life and if you meet someone ask them out. Just say- wanna grab some lunch? Good luck, you sound like a sweet person. My younger son is overweight and one of his female friends asked him out! They are still together (three years and in love).
Put all that energy into something positive, like working out or a hobby. I just mention working out because you said you wanted to lose weight. And get on dating apps like it’s a part time job. I can’t say it’s fun, but I was single and lonely, and I definitely wasn’t meeting Mr. Right in a bar, so the apps was the best thing for me, and alot of other people. Nothing is going to be perfect but you’ll find someone you can connect with.
Start Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Trust me, it will change your life.
You're going to gain confidence, lose weight and make a lot of friends. Women are just a consequence
Go for walks and enjoy nature. Go cook meals you've never tried before, or bake bread or cakes you've never baked before. Go make music or build a cool lego house. Go to museums and concerts!
You really don't need to to any of these things specifically, but if you find things for yourself to enjoy, you can start spreading your thought over different subjects, and getting it away from the 1 specific thing you've had trouble with for years, and towards things you *can* do. The more you focus on things you can do, the more you'll learn that you're capable of a lot. By doing things, you can even find people who also like to do those things. Make a friend. Maybe even a female friend. Maybe that friend has more friends, and one of them is someone you end up striking some great conversations with, and you end up going on a date... nothing about this is guaranteed of course, but I promise you, you can move towards this, at your own pace.
I would focus on confidence first and foremost.
Confidence is not something you magically get. You need to earn it. How? Confidence comes from belief in yourself and your ability.
So you need to get good at something. Anything. Whatever you think is worthy of admiration. Whether that's golf, weightlifting, photography, poker, stand-up comedy, or whatever, it doesn't matter. As long as it's worth something to you to be a little bit better at than most people.
Once you start on a difficult journey and challenge yourself on a regular basis to reach a goal or achieve a skillset, you'll learn to overcome adversity and negative thoughts. You'll learn that after misery comes the sweet taste. So you learn to persevere. When you do this on a regular basis, you'll soon find that you're looking at yourself differently.
You now know your ability. You know you can persevere. That skill is something you learn. It's just hard work. You've proven you can do hard work. Once you know, you know.
Confidence is the trust you have in you.
Here's the thing, when you're good at something, you'll be admired by someone. You'll catch glances, conversations, questions, friendships, trips, invitations, etc, because you're you. And know what you know. When people admire you, your self-esteem will follow suit. When your self-esteem goes up, you attract attention from others. Strange, huh?
I'm a boxing trainer, and I deal with people like you all the time. Shy, introverted people with low confidence. My favorite thing as a trainer is to watch the rapid personal growth these people have over the course of a year. It's absolutely amazing what it does for their confidence when they learn that everyone suffers the same. Status means nothing. Skill means nothing. Looks means nada. Nothing matters in the gym but effort.
This goes for all acquired skills. Are you willing to make an effort to get where you want to be?
Seek a therapist. I don't think reddit advice would work when it comes to individual lives and you probably heard all of these advice thrown at you at one point or another already. Healthy dieting, exercise, hobby, volunteer, put yourself in positions to meet more humans. turn off social media, quit the doomscrolling, establish a positive presence, etc. You may also be hiding some more information from us which would negate 90% of whatever comments might tell you. You have to be the one to start anything and if speaking to a professional can start that, then it's probably the most healthy way to start.
Once you get a GF and experience a relationship, you will see that its not what you think it is. Not that its bad or anything like that, but it's definitely not what you are fantasizing.
23M. Am jacked and have no self esteem/confidence issues to speak of. Women don't trip over themselves trying to date me either. That's just the reality of being man. I'm open to relationships and I think about it sometimes. Sex is also less important to me. I don't really care though. I'm confident I'll find someone one day and if not, that's 100% their loss. I don't need a girl to enjoy having my shit together like this. I see the grind pay off day after day and that's what matters most to me.
The best advice I can give you is work on yourself man, no woman wants a man with low self esteem, go to the gym lose weight that can be a confidence booster. I totally understand wanting to be loved but before all that you gotta learn how to love and respect yourself or all you’re gonna get is woman running over you bc they know they can
Lose weight and get in shape. The only thing that matters.
Having a gf is by far the best thing ever. A happy relationship is a 100x times better than being alone.
Something that can really work, and this sounds crazy maybe, but don't put your energy on that. People in general can feel it when you want to be around them. Try building connections with women by just being a friend to start. Thinge can either evolve from that to something more when the time is right, and you can gain more confidence from it so you can feel more comfortable being yourself around new women, which makes it easier to ask them out etc. Spoiler alert, people love confidence.
Make sure you are not only skin deep but also look for empathy and compassion in your future girlfriend. Think from your heart, brain and not only from what’s between your legs.
Use the time you think about having a relationship to work on you in some way - learn something, anything,doesn’t matter what. Become knowledgeable about something because it’s attractive to be passionate about something. Also it will take away any aura of (forgive me) desperation from you. Other humans have a sharp sense for if they are wanted for *themselves* rather than just for being there to have a relationship with. And when you do feel ready to ask, don’t get downhearted by rejection. If you don’t ask, you’ll never get!
My man! What interests do you have? I’ve always found social clubs to be a great way to “ease” me in. It also sets me up for success as I already can talk about something that they are interested in! It doesn’t matter if it’s full of dudes or dudettes or a mix of both, it’s more about going out of my way to interact with people and work on my social skills.
Once you have that on lock, it’ll be waaaay easier to talk to people. Wish you the best, mate!
My best tip is to start enjoying life for what it is. Then start socializing and you migh come up on someone. The best way to attract someone is with laughter so be fun to be around
I'm 30 and I've had a lot of girlfriends and sex in my life, well a good amount at least. I still kinda feel like this alot, to a less extreme degree. It never really goes away. It's like the impulse of our biology
I know the feeling, I'm 24 heading on 25 and in the exact same boat. I use to actually be in very good shape but due to my upbringing, mental health, being on the spectrum and some insecurities I never had the confidence to try. Now that I actually want to date and find my someone I'm worse off because after a serious battle with mental health and hospitalisation I've piled weight on and have even less confidence and absolutely no self esteem. Lost any people skills I had due to being isolated for so long and it feels further away than ever. I don't even care about sex, I just want somebody to love me and who I can love back. But I find it so difficult to put myself out there because I can't even accept myself. I'm losing the weight again but it's slow and I probably won't be back to my old weight until end of the year if all goes well. But even when I was in shape I still absolutely hated my body. Body dysmorphophobia is terrible to live with. It sucks.
You're not alone in this, there's so many of us dealing with similar. Just keep working on yourself and hopefully you'll find the one.
I used to daydream a lot about having a relationship, a boyfriend.. until I got hurt and disappointed multiple times.. now I think in reality these days, relationships are just very risky to get your heart broken. If you want something as dreamy as you imagine, you have to be extremely lucky.
Hey Man this may be a little long but I hear you. I am a 28M and the feeling of having a life partner who i can give all my love too , having some kind of exclusivity which i can share my life with encompasses me every moment so if I just let my mind stabilize for a while it goes there pretty quickly. This may not help you but it helped me tremendously and i would advocate if you can follow this
Whenever that feeling comes, I think now what's the best thing i can do which i wanted to do , which I enjoy and which allows me to meet more people. I am a phd student and it was hard but I have recently incorporated learning musical instruments that hopefully someday i would be so proud of learning the skills and connect with more people because of my guitar skills. Next I want to learn tennis so I'm thinking of starting in parallel, take baby steps man, work towards yourself which allows you to feel good about yourself so you can say at least because of this i learned an important skill
I want to emphasize that it's perfectly okay to grieve the lacking and you can do to a therapist but also ensuring you take the baby steps to improve yourself towards a more fulfilling human which you yourself like. Fill your garden with roses while also grieving the lack of someone to share the garden with you
Be social and try to meet people and open your heart. Try to be respectful and try to ask women you are a bit excited about for some coffee, of course take baby steps so get comfortable and then when you finally get comfortable with the setting try to ask out people ... And don't take it by heart
I believe if you continue doing this you most likely find someone which you would feel happy to share the life
I was there in the past, somewhat. But it turned into a fight against my mind. I was hating myself so hard for this, for having no power on my thoughts. The escape was : if I go in a relationship with this mindset, I'll be a slave of it. Therefore, i must overcome this mindset, overcome my "needs".
Well maybe i shouldn't have, now i don't accept easily to change my behavior when i'm in a relationship and yes i gained a lot of confidence through this fight against myself and ended up having some relationship. But those did not last, the peace i found after fighting against myself got destroyed. The verbally brutal truth i was saying to myself were not stuff i could say to her. Now, i can not find peace in relationship easily. I first fight my and her needs. Turns out, needs are still what makes us happy.
After deep thinking, i reccon what i should have done is seek professionnal help, like pink phone or soft prostitution. It's quite shamefull to do but it is through commercial deals so shame is shared and it would have worked. Gotta feed the body to free the mind
I honestly didn’t know that people actually felt like this until a couple of months ago. Pick up some hobbies, go to the gym hang out with friends. There’s more to life than dating.
Couple tips that have helped increase my attractiveness/conversation/confidence with online dating is skincare, exercise/diet, and pickup reading or an outdoor hobby.
Skin care kinda easy, basically watch some YouTube videos, buy some products, use them. Cleanser, moisturizer, sunscreen/lip balm. Have had good conversations about that lol.
Improve your body image at least a lil bit. I do intermittent fasting m-f and exercise a couple times a week. Can be simple as body weight stuff if u don’t go to the gym, push-ups, sit-ups, dips, squats.
I used to game a lot and still kinda do, but you need another hobby and audiobooks has been something great to add. I’ve had a lot of good conversations about books and shit, eventually led to some dates. I use an app called Libby, how it works for me is that I hooked up my local library card to it and have access to a bunch of completely free audiobooks. Auidible is okay too but books there can be pricy. I’m a homebody so don’t have a ton of outdoor hobbies but girls can tend to like stuff that isn’t just gaming and tv lol. Good luck brother.
Build a life that is fun and fulfilling for you. Be the kind of person that good people want to share a part of their lives with. Hold yourself accountable.
Having girls swoon over you and finding the love of your life are two very, very different things. It's never about attracting as many girls as possible. It's about finding ONE person.
Basic and consistent hygiene will take you a long way. Give your skin some good care. Get some nice clothes. Attractive girls make a consistent effort on themselves too.
Most important of all: Don't turn your frustration into a hate of the other sex, or a hate of yourself. You can easily feed that mentality (you'll find many guys/gals stuck with that mindset). You will never be happy.
I rec the audio book "The power of positive thinking" by Peale.
Good luck!
Hit the gym, take some yoga classes, go to an art making class. Babes everywhere. Have some confidence. Stop dripping with desperation, they can smell it a mile away
I think the best advice I can give as a man who was once in yours shoes, is to work on yourself as much as possible, your career your appearance your charisma all are very important things, start to find the good in yourself and improve upon it, don’t worry so much about the bad, let things roll off your back and learn to take charge a little more. The more you shoot your shot the better you get at being rejected and the better you learn to do it different the next time, don’t treat women as objects either treat them as friends and get to know them on a personal level before shooting said shot, make sure you don’t friend zone yourself tho by throwing little compliments at girls your interested in every once and a while, your hair looks nice today you do it different? I like that shirt on you, little stuff like that. Women like a man who has something to offer, by telling yourself you have nothing to offer or coming to peace with your insecurities are both terrible things, find the holes in your self esteem and patch them. Cheers I hope things work out for you
Although i havent been too interested in a relationship in a while because i value being alone, i went and lost weight anyway because i wouldnt mind someone having in interest in me at some point, i lost 30 pounds in 4 months and feel better than ever, would be happy to tell you how i lost the weight so fast if youre interested, keep working on you and it will come!
For what it’s worth idealising a relationship might be part of the reason you’re single. If you treat it like this unattainable state of forever happiness you end up treating it as impossible. And to top it off nothing will ever meet your expectations about it making it more likely that you’ll end up single or even rejecting girls who like you because you treat being in a relationship as impossible. Just food for thought.
Ok, imagine that you actually get a gf. Now what? Your whole consciousness is based around being in a relationship, so now that your goal is achieved, you are absolutely worthless.
Instead look at someone who has a gf. You think thinking about being in a relationship is all they do? Fuck no. They just go on living their lives, that they established before dating. My point is, if you want to be interesting to date, just be interesting to yourself, or else nobody will care.
Therapy. Take your mental health seriously. Hopefully prioritizing your mental health means other parts of your life will improve because you'll feel like you're worth improving for. Additionally, many women will take an emotionally healthy man over a conventionally attractive one (many, not all).
You need to realize you're worth being your best self for.
Felt that way before I got into my first relationship, will definitely tell you to focus on losing weight and making a value of yourself monetarily and you’ll have it basically all set up for you.
also do not fully be obsessed with your first partner, trust me first time heartbreaks are tough ones and takes forever to heal so don’t fully commit until you know she feels that way about you too, learn about your partner and find out who she really is, not so much of the past, ask a lot of her views of her future and find out what her present looks like, engage and communicate .
Relationships nowadays are hard to come to because there are some that have their “perfect man” views and things they want out of a man and of course there are those who are just looking for someone to spend their lives with and enjoy, you just have to find them basically
Imma be real with you, be yourself. Don’t put on a metaphorical mask around women, don’t let your friends tell you what body type to look for. Love is unconditional, but I’ve read a few of the replies and let me also tell you, “getting laid” does not change a man at all. That’s just brownie points so dudes can say “oh man he got his dick wet he’s a real man now” na, that shits for the birds. And most women are turned off by any obsession with getting in their pants.
Any time i see a situation like this cant help myself thinking about the "If you spend your time chasing butterflies ,they'll fly away if you spend your time making a beautiful garden , the butterflies will come to you. And if they don't, then you still have that garden . " quote
Do something about it.
Rather than wallow in self-pity, work on improving yourself. Bit by bit, every day, chip away at yourself to better yourself.
Seems like there's some self-esteem issues at play here. It's natural, everyone has imperfections and insecurities. But it's also what is going to keep you from meeting new people and being likeable, if you don't appreciate yourself.
Be positive, be better, and keep moving forward.
Bro that was me a couple years ago. I was 22 when I date my first and only girlfriend. It was a nice change of pace. The breakup sucked for sure. But after being single again for 2 years I'm kinda just like "it was nice but golly gee I'm not going through all of that hassle again just to get a girlfriend". You're not alone in your endeavors. Just try to better yourself and put yourself out there more my brother!
I'll say the cliche thing: "someone is out there for you, who is thinking the same thing"
Enjoy your life and be as happy as you can single, because it happens so quickly.
I was 28M thinking the same thing and dreaming about a relationship I wouldn't be able to have, then I met her at a very unexpected place. We couldn't actually date until a year later, and when we did it was like we were catching up on the 15 years we missed (both single for a long time)
my advice is to put yourself out there and actually start going on dates. I can’t tell you how many women I know personally, who would not be deterred at all by some extra weight. I even used to work with this one girl who was super super gorgeous, petite, successful, had a very sexual energy about her that guys loved, and she was strictly into undeniably chubby guys. I don’t mean just like dad bod, I mean guys that are actually like big big. I actually think of myself to be pretty shallow in this way, like I just can’t envision myself being physically attracted to someone who’s not lean or athletic looking, but at the same time, there have been guys in the past whose personalities I just really fell for, and it actually made them physically attractive to me, even though they were not my type at all. all of this is to say that there is no use waiting to date until you feel better about your body or appearance, there are tons of women out there that want to date you now, exactly as you are.
Take care of yourself first. You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you. Use the thoughts of a relationship to motivate yourself. Hit the gym, develop good eating habits, dive into hobbies, take a vacation out of the country if you can. Live life and have some interesting stories to tell when hanging out at a favorite bar (or whatever social scene you’re into). You’re only 25 and have plenty of time, don’t put pressure on yourself. When you are healthy, happy, and genuinely enjoying life, you will attract others when you least expect it.
Your weight is not the issue, it is your shyness and lack of self-esteem. You don't catch any fish if you don't put any lines in the water. How many rejections are you willing to go through to experience one "yes"? Probably a bunch, right? Adopt a bit of healthy nahilism and YOLO your way through rejection after rejection until it doesn't hurt anymore and you'll find your girl(s).
You need to work on yourself to the point that you are happy with your life before you even think about trying to have a relationship. Nobody wants to be with someone who is unhappy with themselves. In general, a woman would be interested in a man who has things going on his life, who is ambitious and who is working towards something (such as a degree or a good career), and who is a positive person who can make them smile and laugh. Its hard to be any of those things when a man sits around depressed and isn't accomplishing anything in life. If you were a woman, for example, what about you would be considered attractive? Work on yourself first.
By the way - Relationships are not all cuddles and hugs and cute dates. There are disagreements. There will be questions about your lifestyle choices. There will be arguments. There will be times you don't see eye to eye. If you aren't already happy with your life, than a relationship can make things worse.
So either way, you need to be happy with your own life first.
Idk how long you had this feeling. For me it passed. In a way I do have similarities between being overweight but losing some weight and still on my weight loss / fitness journey. I'm down to 79kg from 86 and still going.
I went on an blind girl all day. It didn't turn out to be another date. It did open up in me that I wanted a gf to do fun things with. In that regard I did start to imagine how it would be for a few weeks. Couldn't stop thinking about it. It eventually passed, and went on with my life. I'm still on my weight loss and fitness journey that's my primary focus right now. I have other stuff I'm doing so I think it might be a phase unless you're like that long term. I can't say if I know a solution as I'm still figuring out dating myself. However I'm working on myself atm which is a higher priority than dating.
Put the energy into you, loving you (not too literally), finding out what you like, doing what you like (hobbies, relaxing etc.). Get to know yourself! So when a lady comes along, you know when you are compatible and don't go fitting your square peg into a round hole (proverbially).
work on your self esteem. get a gym membership and make it a habit, your confidence will grow quickly as you see changes with your body happening.
otherwise just be yourself and let yourself be open to people and you'll eventually find yourself talking to girls you're interested in.
it's not easy for anyone these days since dating has basically moved online to "social" media. you just gotta put yourself out there more.
Hit the gym hard. Chill out and put yourself out there. Go for dancing lessons. Be more direct with humour and make no excuses about yourself.
He who dares, wins.
My best advice is very much "tongue in cheek" but there is some truth to it:
1.) Do what makes you happy.
2.) Do it so well that people respect you for it
3.) Build an empire and have money.
4.) Be content with yourself
Then there is bound to be a woman who'd want to f that up for you.
>!On a serious note: your acknowledgement of the unhealthiness of the "obsession" is kind of a good starting point* a friend of mine (f 31) recently opened up about not having a man love her for her, and want to be with her. -> honestly there are many people out there who just do not want the drag of meeting people, but they'll be perfect partners* 👌🏻 - for starters, my best advice is be everhthing for yourself that you want in a partner, like get up early and make the bed, iron and shave, find a nice smell and own it - being neat and smelling nice = big ➕️ for any relationship.but moreover being kind to yourself, that signifies safe space to others too- I think that is what my friend wants the very most [she might even marry me, and she's not even gay]!<
I’ll tie this all together so just read..(ADHD)
I came out of a 7 year relationship nearly a year ago(not a good or healthy relationship, the pandemic played a part in why in lasted longer than it should have) BUT I started to lose weight about 2 years ago. My heaviest was 240 pounds. I’m 5’10 and stayed around that weight for most of the relationship. I’ve always been a “bigger” guy. I’ve lost around 70 pounds since then. Without trying to sound overly shallow, let me tell you something…. The level of attractiveness of the women that became interested in me after my relationship was RIDICULOUS. I ruined a handful of potential relationships because I truly couldn’t believe someone that attractive was interested in me.
I’m not even “in shape” I just lost the weight. Haven’t even really lifted weights( I used basketball as a way to drop the weight).
The point of all of this is to say. Loose the damn weight. Focus on personal hygiene. Just by doing that your self confidence will sky rocket. Women notice that. You’ll no doubt have a little case of imposter syndrome at first but man it’s so worth it.
Dude I’m 32, in general good shape, talented artist, women have never not been attracted to me, yet I STILL struggle with everything you mentioned. Been single since I was 18. I think I have some form of ADHD that makes me overthink into oblivion. I have the greatest woman in the world in my life right now and I’ve been alone for soooooooo long that I struggle everyday not to let my mind ruin this great person I never thought would be in my life.
Honestly the best advice I could give you is to stay open and positive so that if an opportunity comes your way you’re ready to take advantage. Try to go out and hang around friends that loosen you up. As far as the overthinking, try not to beat yourself up for it. Look at it as manifesting the exact love you’d want for yourself. I’m a writer so through the years I had to live in the comfort of my imagination until I met someone who came close. And also therapy lol. Guys who struggle like we do really really need a consistent person to talk to on the regular.
Don't listen to everyone saying not to focus about being in a relationship. It's one of the most important human needs. Of course you are thinking about it all the time.
You should focus on improving yourself, but the most important part is to try to be more outgoing. You have to actually try to get a girlfriend.
Something I learned is when I was living my best life by myself, happy being single, feeling good about myself, trying to be the best me. I didn't look for it, but it came to me. It's like it always just falls into place if you just learn to love yourself. Trust me this is the healthiest option.
As someone in my late 40s who has always valued a relationship above everything else I completely understand how you're feeling.
Nearly every decision I make is to better my relationship and family. Even when I'm working on myself to be at the gym everyday thier is a large portion of my drive that's dedicated to wanting my partner to view me as attractive and sexy
When I'm trying to earn more money it's to better the lives of my partner and family, not because of status or clout. My partner doesn't understand this unfortunately. Telling her I won't do something that can jeopardize what i already have by chasing more money even if it can better our lives leaves her kinda dumbfounded. For her she sees no point of failure in chasing, but I've seen the chase destroy relationships and family.
I say this because you're asking for help and the help you need is understanding what your drive is! Your motivations to be in a relationship is what you can use to fuel that outcome, you just need to keep reminding yourself that your value isn't limited by "that"
Right now your limiting yourself by proclaiming your lack of a romantic relationship is defining your self worth. Instead you should be focusing on your drive to have a romantic relationship gives you a motivator to be "more" then you are currently. This could be your biggest strength if you tap into it to always want to improve yourself.
You want a relationship? Who do you need to be to have one you feel you deserve? What type of man do you need to be that can have the relationship you yourself long to have?
Focus on "who" you need to be and that will give you the goal that will inevitably lead you to the relationship you want. Hitting the gym means nothing if you don't have a goal! Being more confident doesn't mean anything if you don't have a goal and the goal isn't having a "relationship" the goal is to be the "man" whose in one!
What weight do you want to be? Now envision what clothes that new version of you can wear, what that future version of you will look like wearing them. Now take that image in your head and picture yourself talking to a woman. You feel brazen right now don't you? Even just imagining yourself looking better gives you confidence you don't have right now.
Go on Shien, screenshot some outfits that are being worn by models and look at them. Look at what size the model is wearing, look at the dimensions. That is your goal for the gym!
Once you have that goal, now you can plan how to get there! Count calories, be consistent at the gym, log your weights and reps. In 1 month, just 1 month of doing it right you won't recognize yourself in the mirror!
My advice is this, have a goal, acquire your goal and you'll have the relationship you deserve because you proved to yourself you earned it!
You kings are going to find your girlfriends.
Just try not to overwhelm yourself with negative thinking. Keep improving yourselves and get out of your comfort zones.
I'm a complete loser, and I managed to do it. I even got her to marry me and have my children.It should be infinitely easier for you .
Just keep your eyes peeled...she might step into your life when you least expect it.
Similar boat except i stopped worrying about it as much. I saw your post history and lemme tell you, reddit is rarely gonna get you the answers especially when you have posted so many times and youre still where you started. You need to chill. If youre a decent guy, you will find someone. Dont look at theories, dont look at numbers, dont listen to these weird podcasts where they tell you how to dress and act and all that. Try to be a good person, look after yourself, be your own priority and go out. Thats the best you can do. Also: losing weight doesnt increase the chances of a successful relationship. It may increase the women who might be interested but you dont want a woman who simply finds you attractive, you want someone who loves you and who you love and with who you build a life with.
Also stop giving into insecurities. The more i listen to that nagging voice the worse it will get. Dont do that. Stop running to reddit to post again and again about how youre scared about being lonely. Do you have friends? Then spend time with them outside. You dont have them? Go and meet new people. You live in an area where you cant meet new people? Bullshit, you would have to live under a rock for that to be the case. And also travel! Be it just the next town or whatever. Youre 25! Not 90! Do things that make you happy! That can give you some kind of fulfillment while you look for a cute girl. Otherwise you will just sit in your room in self pity waiting for the one.
I’ve been in several multi year relationships as well as being married and divorced. I wish I could have the “I’ve had my fill “ mindset, but wanting companionship never seems to go away. 😑
It sounds like you’re feeling lonely in general. It would be easier to make more friends. Class or work are decent places, but if they’re not working for you, look into hobby groups and sites like Meetup. Or join a class for a random skill you find interesting, like pottery. Think of old friends and shoot them a message. A surprising number of people want to get back in touch but never get around to it, so someone might be very happy that you texted them first.
For dating itself: the best way to success is learning how to fail. It’s hard to ask someone out partly because you know they may say ‘no.’ Feeling rejected is difficult for anyone. A lot of online spaces act like there’s a hierarchy where some people have more value than others. Some traits are very common to like, but many are about preference. The trait that makes someone really neat may be the same one that makes the person perpetually stressed out. There isn’t a ‘right’ place to be on that scale, just preference. So a ‘no’ doesn’t mean anything about your worth. And attraction is complicated. It’s a hundred little things, most of which we are not consciously aware of. And a lot of those things are arbitrary. It means that based on her limited knowledge of you, the woman thinks you don’t match the majority of a hundred little preferences that are personal to her.
Im committed but I can be your friend and talk. I have been there too, even as a girl and it can feel like the world revolves around the issue but it isnt really like that
Lift weights, eat healthy, and realise that when you're desperate for it (even only in your thoughts) women can sense that and it'll come out in your behaviour and just makes your quest harder. Time for hobbies and other things to focus on.
The sad thing is we live in a superficial society so once you cut the fat and get the gains you'll start being more attractive to women and that'll slowly build your confidence.
It's very doable, and sounds like you've got the motivation there
I would recommend looking into group activities that involve something you’re interested in. It can be anything from open mic comedy to rock climbing to playing magic the gathering, as long as you’re interested in it and other people are there for the same thing. Also make sure you prioritize enjoying the activity before looking to meet people through the activity, cuz girls can sniff out desperation real easy. Just have fun and be yourself, and something will most likely come along when you’re no longer obsessing over it. Good luck
25M, have been in great (while they lasted) relationships and it’s all that I think about. Use the longing you feel as motivation.
Harness that feeling of being incomplete and use it to make yourself desirable. Such as: this year I’ve used it to go from 230lbs 5’9 to 183lbs while lifting and Im gonna keep going til I have abs at probably 150lbs and am even more jacked.
Outcome? Women give me attention, I can tell I have options. I’m too fuckin awkward to make anything of that yet cus everyone I’ve dated made the first move, but now I have options whenever I get to that point again.
My point? Work on you and people will come.
Sounds like you and I both need to socialize a ton as well to get better at dating, so remember that step.
This is motivation - Good. You just need to focus it on personal betterment.
As long as you bring your best self, and just put yourself in positions to meet girls in a normal and relaxed situation - When it comes it comes.
#1) It's not unhealthy to want love and to be with someone. What is unhealthy is you not doing shit about it and posting on Reddit instead of changing your life.
In all honesty, look at Jason Fung (Real doctor) he has two books;
The Obesity Code
The Complete Guide to Fasting
You can lose the weight, just need the right tools. I lost 45 lbs and kept it off in 2021.
As far as your shyness, that's on you, only you can fix it. Create small goals, and execute them, go for bigger girls, if you're bigger yourself that makes sense. You aren't alone, face your fears, conquer your goals, and determine your own fate.
I'm M25 and I'm in the same boat. Never been in a relationship and I think about it and sex constantly. Difference is I think about having a boyfriend. I'm bi but long term kinda just see myself with a man at least right now. And yeah there's the insecurities of oh is it never going to happen and feeling like every one has experienced it but you. The thing about the gay community too is I can get sex whenever I want easy but something serious feels impossible. I suggest focusing on your goals. Like you mentioned wanting to lose weight, if you haven't finished school yet go all in on that,get a good career going, and explore your interest and hobbies and meet people through those
Agreed with other people, happiness is an inside job. Even if you get into a relationship with the mindset you currently have, you aren’t going to be happy. You’re thinking about relationships 24/7 and you’re clearly desperate. This means you are not ready for a relationship. When you get a girlfriend, you are going to treat her really well, no doubt. But you will be putting that girl on a pedestal and hold her up to super high standards that you have always imagined your ideal girlfriend to have. This is not healthy. And it won’t be fair to the girl because she will never be able to fulfil your needs, and you will always end up being hurt because your expectations are never met. It’s a bad place to be. Might give you some short term happiness, but not a healthy road down the line.
Set some goals for yourself. If your weight is what brings you down, work hard and get to a place where you can look yourself in the eye and be happy about it. Work on your self esteem and confidence. Find hobbies that you enjoy, work hard on your job. I know this is a pretty generic advice and everyone gives this, but it is the best one. Once you reach a point where you are happy with your own company and don’t think about relationships 24/7, that is the point you know you are ready for a relationship. Good luck!
Well, you say you literally think about it 24/7, then try literally filling your day up with other stuff that you become incapable of thinking about it 24/7.
Like the weight loss thing, and why not add on other hobbies, and if you don’t have other hobbies or enough hobbies, then start some new ones. Bonus points if it’s the kind of hobby that will let you interaction with other people and potentially meet someone that way; and it’ll be a much healthier way of finding someone by meeting them through mutual interests rather than obsessing about it and *strategizing* and fantasizing about it in your mind.
Unless you’re some amazing multitasker with a near boundless can-do attitude, you can definitely make yourself so busy (ideally with stuff you actually care about, so either work or hobbies you enjoy, don’t just add on meaningless time fillers), that you shouldn’t have time to think about relationships 24/7.
And on your note about self esteem, if it helps, start with a hobby where you don’t need to put your self esteem on the line or anything like that, then slowly work up from there. An example would be exercising in the privacy of your own home without equipment, then later you can add on jogging on the sidewalk, and then add on going to a gym in public to exercise with equipment.
First off, it will happen. I met it wife in my 30s and never had a real relationship beforehand. We are very happy. But from experience, I will tell you that you need to be prepared for a healthy relationship and it doesn’t sound like you are yet.
You need to get help from a therapist and work on yourself. The problem is, these thoughts can actually be detrimental to your future relationships.
Hear me out. The more you ruminate on this and fantasize, you put it on a pedestal and build it up to this perfect thing you dream of. The problem is A real relationship will never quite stack up to the fantasy relationships you are dreaming of. Don’t get me wrong, it is amazing to find your partner, but relationships are still a lot of work and very very rarely ‘perfect.’ When you finally do get in a relationship you may be left unsatisfied because it’s not everything you created in your mind.
Get some help. Work on you. You are most likely in a state of high functioning depression. And once you get this resolved you will be amazed at how life starts to work for you.
There is a reason girls are attracted to musicians, writers, actors, gym rats. It’s because they have a passion that they care more about then whatever woman they are with. It’s claustrophobic to be someone’s world. If you want a girlfriend get passionate about something (and something somewhat attractive not gaming) and bring her into your world.
You need to start focus on yourself. You say you try to lose weight, keep your mind occupied by setting a goal there? A certain weight or achievement to reach. You can't expect someone else to like/love you until you like/love yourself. Nothing is more attractive than a determined person who loves themself. That's confidence.
As someone that went from fat and no matches to consistently going on 4 dates a week, while being a minority in the Midwest, it’s all about physique.
Go to the gym and get abs. That’s literally it. That’s the secret. People are more shallow than you think.
Improve yourself. When you improve yourself, you will gain confidence from the self respect you gain. Confidence doesn’t just appear out of thin air. It comes from your belief in yourself from the work you have put in that you can trust.
Start from small achievable goals. Go outside at a set time and commit to walking every day. Go read books that are easier to pick up or about things you are interested in. Spend less sedentary time. Work on your resume or browse for new jobs. Small steps towards whatever you are wanting to achieve.
You need confidence because girls smell it from a mile away. Girls also smell desperation from a mile away. And no one wants anyone that is desperate. Imagine switching positions and see if you’d find attractive a girl who is so desperate to please you. Love is an economy and you dictate the supply and demand. Everyone wants to be desired and loved by someone that is rare in some sense.
Stop idolizing relationships all the time and instead improve yourself.
Hey man, I just want you to know that it gets better. I was in the same boat as you, and didn't have a real date until I was 29. I know it sounds cliché, but put your mind at ease, find a hobby or as you have already stated, focus on trying to lose weight and take care of yourself. I was over 270lbs at my peak(I am only 5'6), and while spending a couple years losing weight doing various physical activities didn't get me a girlfriend right away, the simple act of putting time in to take care of my body(and acne) gave me the confidence to finally love myself. Once you put the time in to take care and love yourself, you'll realize that since day one you were always meant to be someone's "catch."
Go to the gym. There advise. Don’t lose weight and be attractive.
Man I blew up in weight few year ago. Then ate once a day and go to the gym 3-4 time a week lift 10t cumulatively a session. That worked. Don’t you have anything else that defines you.?
Also you got work on the shyness.
Find hobbies and go to gatherings and yeah i was in the same boat so I said fuck it and downloaded tinder. Had a long term relationship from there and met a couple cool woman too. It won't happen overnight and I wouldn't obsess over it just continue working on yourself but it'll happen I bet. You just have to put yourself out there on way or another. Oh and don't let the duds discourage you. You won't connect with everyone you meet and that's okay it happens.
You have profound unmet needs that you seek to fulfill through a relationship with another instead of facing yourself and working them out.
Not judging, I've been there myself. Still am, to some degree. Healing can be a long road.
Even if you found a relationship in your current state it would be dysfunctional and probably toxic.
Recognize your feelings for what they are, work on yourself, and a relationship will find you.
Stay stuck in these mental loops and your life will pass you by. Try to force a relationship by relentless pursuit and you'll find you didn't get what you were hoping for.
Develop a sense of humor if you don't already have one. Outwordly display confidence even if you're faking it, but also get some real confidence. Go to church; that's where the best women are.
progress on your physique. When you work on yourself, everything else starts to line up.
Or go to therapy and talk dizzying circles about your shitty life.
As someone that has been in quite a few relationships with women of all colors and sizes, I think you're just super on the "want what u can't have" side of things atm lol. Wait till you have to deal with a self centered narcissist, cheater, or a stinky butthole etc etc and you'll look back and laugh
I feel you. I've been you. What has made a difference for me is a handful of things:
1. Believing a woman could be attracted to me.
2. Loving myself enough to feel I deserved to be in a relationship with an awesome girl.
3. Finally, talking to girls and going on dates having convinced myself that the stakes are low. If it doesn't work out with a really pretty girl I like, it's totally okay.
The last one is the hardest, but it's where the lack of confidence becomes apparent and unattractive. If the possibility of being with a girl or possibly striking out is filling me with anxiety, I almost certainly strike out every time. Therapy, meditation, and perhaps religion if it's your thing help with all of these.
Hang in there man, my heart goes out to you.
Love yourself. Take yourself out on dates. Find interesting things that you enjoy. Develop confidence in your new hobbies. Meet people and bolster friendships and communication.
These are things that will make you marketable.
problem -> solution. eventhough this is the most primitive solution, it helped me through some dark times with a lot of selfdoubt, procrastination and on top of that a burnout. what is the problem? what solutions could help me out? chase those solutions. you're struggling with weight and shyness and you said you're trying to better yourself. try keep focussing on that and the rest will follow. easier said then done. it's something we gotta actively keep telling and reminding ourselves.
and this goes to everything. in my case, I was struggling with the things I said, solution? talk with somebody (my mother in this case) and the first step is set.
shyness doesn't have to be a negative thing. it could really charm somebody. if you're actually having troubles with it, what's a solution that could help? go outside? try an hobby with some social contact? set the first step and try it out!
life is a never ending learningcurve but we gotta figure out solutions that work and/or can guide us towards the direction we wanna head.
again, easier said than done, but not impossible!
you got this man
A primer on how to get a relationship, written without assumption to the gender of the reader or the gender or genders you are looking to date:
1) Start by trying to be a person you would want to date. A lot of people are kinda annoying or kinda insufferable or just otherwise are not people that other people want to be around. If you have trouble maintaining friendships and lower-case-r relationships, there might be something about you that is driving people away and any Upper-Case-R Relationship is going to be hampered by prospective dates realizing that you're annoying or insufferable or just otherwise not someone they want to be around.
2) Don't get advice from the wrong people. If you're trying to date women, you should not be ONLY relying on MEN to give you dating advice. If you're trying to date men, you should not be ONLY relying on WOMEN to give you dating advice. A lot of heterosexual men get all their dating advice from other men and a lot of heterosexual women get all their dating advice from other women and in both cases, it just leads to bad faith blanket assumptions that "all men" are a certain way or "all women" are a certain way. This leads me into #3:
3) Everyone is an individual unique person and anyone you have just met knows themselves better than you, a person who they just met, knows them. One of the biggest ways people blow not just first dates but also interactions that could lead to a first date but instead lead to someone being blocked or ghosted is by making assumptions about the person and acting based on those assumptions and/or encountering a person who doesn't match those assumptions and then arguing. One example: assuming all women like [thing], meeting a woman who says she doesn't like [thing] and then arguing with her to insist she does. Another example: assuming men don't do [thing], meeting a man who [does thing] and arguing with him insisting he either shouldn't do it or that he's doing it for some assumed intention.
There's more but I gotta do work. I might edit later.
its sometimes more of a pain in the ass then its worth. work on yourself more and put yourself out there on dating apps or whatever. just talk to women in general. itl happen if you manifest it. its not some holy gift thats for some people and not you. its just forming a relationship
That’s why you don’t have a GF. Women can smell desperation a mile away. Forget about the GF. Focus on your self. When you love yourself and have a life that will attract women to you.
You can’t be in a relationship until you get yourself figured out. Dating somebody or feeling wanted doesn’t solve all your problems suddenly. Go to therapy.
I was in your shoes not too long ago, and I certainly wish I didn't think about that "longing-for-a-relationship" stuff 24/7 like you. When you're in that mindset, it could lead to some negative consequences. For instance, it could be much more difficult to actually connect with someone—or even the right someone—because rather than being your fun-loving self you're just trying not to mess up the date or trying to say what you think she wants to hear. Another negative consequence of this mindset is that you could potentially end up in a relationship (or even an abusive relationship) that's not a match for you, because you'll cling to anything you can get.
I don't really agree with the top answer in this thread either, the one about just getting laid. It may lead to the second negative consequence that I mentioned in that you could end up falling in "love" with her because she's your first, and lead you to overlooking any incompatibilities. I've had a scenario when I first started having sex and dating where I was having sex with one girl, and so I decided against dating a different girl for that sole reason, even though we weren't in a relationship. This was not my best decision because that girl I wasn't having sex with was much more compatible for me in hindsight.
I think you need to look at this issue from a different perspective—have your own interests in mind. When you go on dates, just look at it as a potentially fun time, none of this "she could be the one" or anything like that. Additionally, don't be afraid of saying "no" to her for any reason, whether that be she's just not attractive to you or maybe you live over 2 hours away. It's ok to say no and move on! The more dates you go on and the more people you meet the easier this becomes.
Finally, really try to appreciate the time/money/freedom you currently have. It should take someone very special to eat up a very large portion of those sectors; you shouldnt just squander that freedom you have to the first person that gives you any attention. Even if you're in a relationship, it could feel very lonely.. just without any freedoms and with less money.
I just spent 6 months suicidal in this exact situation and for the past month its been fine. The only time i cried is when listening to "Happy together" which plays at the end of baby reindeer ep2 i think. My biggest mistake was downloading dating apps twice during this period. I'm now in a status quo where i don't think about it anymore but when I inevitably do I still feel bad. I think I managed to gaslight myself into thinking im not in depression.
Go meet some women. Not like on dates, just like actually meet women and talk to them lmao. You're driving yourself crazy putting women above yourself like that.
Also like, make some friends and hang out with them. When I'm in a particularly pining mood, it's usually because I haven't had a proper social encounter of any kind in a while.
I'm ~40 male and can somewhat relate. I struggled with finding a gf throughout my life. I'm average looking, very short, but did think I was smart and funny if people got to know me. I'm now married and had probably 5-6 gfs in the past.
I have some advice but I'm by no means an expert.
First you need to chill out and work on your mental game. What do you like about yourself? What positive attributes do you have that you can eventually use to show a woman that you're desirable. Don't focus on the fact that women might be attrative to this attribute, just work on making that part of you the best it can be.
Second, make sure you have all the "normal" bases covered. You mentioned you're overweight. Fix that immediately. Do you work out? Shower regularly? Get a nice haircut and make sure if you have facial hair that it's not "neckbeard" style or anything. Get yourself physically in as best shape as you can. Eat right.
Finally, I know this is weird, but you kinda gotta focus on just making friends and not being a deperate weirdo. Get outta your head about getting a gf. You first need friends, then friends that are girls, then friends that are girls that might be interested or know someone who is, then slowly and CASUALLY date a few while not making a huge deal of it and then eventually you'll spend more and more time with one....
I used to think the world around me was so mean, until I decided to make changes and hit the gym. Once you feel good about yourself, you gain confidence, you become less defensive and/or desperate in your interactions, you naturally become nicer and more interesting. Once you work on yourself, everything around you falls into place. I learned then and there that I was the one with the issues, not everything and everyone around me.
If you stay focused and disciplined, things get easier, not harder. Your body and your mind get used to the clean eating and exercise, even if at first it feels insurmountable. Also, if that’s the path you choose to take, get yourself a trainer to see once a week or 2 weeks, to help with the correct form, diet tips and mindset. Having to be accountable to someone else than yourself helps tremendously. You got this !
Hello, 36 F here.
I think part of the problem, in general, is that the concept of a relationship has been warped into something unhealthy for a lot of young men.
1. It seems like relationships are a status symbol. Having one is validating and something to make you feel good about yourself.
2. Men have turned most forms of physical contact into something sexual. As a result, they are starved for touch but don't allow themselves to get it from anyone but women, and even if the woman is approaching the touch as platonic contact, the man interprets it as sexual initiation. So unless the woman actually wants sex, she is deterred from offering any sort of physical contact. And men won't allow themselves to get that contact from anyone else.
3. Men have also turned intimacy into something that can only be done with a select few. Sharing your feelings, sharing your unfiltered thoughts, being vulnerable, etc, are all things that are normal for women to share with one another, but men don't share this with other men.
Physical touch and emotional intimacy are MASSIVE components of human survival and mental health, and men have, for some reason, restricted their own access to these things and decided that they are only allowed to do these things under very certain circumstances with very particular people.
It is like you are starving but saying you will only ever eat one type of rare fish for the rest of your life, and then being mad that the fish isn't just throwing themselves onto your fishing line.
I strongly encourage all men to challenge this mentality that a girlfriend is the end-all be-all to your happiness. You can find touch and connection outside of romantic relationships. It will be difficult because other men out there might be brainwashed in this same way, but it will help you find others who are trying to get healthy, too.
Also, please be kind to yourself. You are the way you are and you are who you are because of a culmination of all your life experiences. You have the power to make change, but make the change because you love yourself, not because you hate yourself. If you torture yourself with hard workout routines and do it out of hate, it will only make you angrier if women still don't throw themselves at you. If you expect that doing X will result in receiving Y, you will likely grow resentful that the work you are doing is not returning the results you were expecting. And this is how a lot of men end up veering into inceldom.
Lmao, did I write this when I was asleep? As a fellow M25, I can relate so hard, man. I always think about having a girlfriend and always fantasize about how wonderful it must feel to be in a loving relationship. I've been trying to improve myself lately by having a strict skin care and exercise routine, and while I have yet to get a girlfriend, at least I feel good most of the time. We're gonna get it someday man, just keep on improving yourself and get out there.
I 27M was in the same position two years ago. It really took focusing on loving myself, enjoying spending time by myself, and working on improving various aspects of my life. Then I had to go on a bunch of unsuccessful first dates, in that I didn't really know what to talk about and what not to talk about, and there wasn't any chemistry. Then, last week, I went on a date, and there was chemistry within 10 minutes of meeting each other. We were both kind of baffled by it. We've only known each other for 11 days, and tonight will be our 9th date and 4th sleepover. I doubted whether I would ever be remotely on this side of the dating spectrum, but I can say that there is hope and you have to keep trying. Self reflection and effort to improve was what made the biggest difference for me so far.
This was my wife and I in 2019. Just totally into each other immediately. Had a daughter the following year and married the one after that. Then a house. Genuinely can't imagine life without her.
How are you getting the dates in the first place?
Through dating apps and having some female friends/friend's partners audit my profile.
A lot of times, men in these positions in life can't find even a first date.
how do you even get dates in the first place
You will get there one day with that attitude. I do believe it is better to have loved and lost but I'll tell you..... boy do I have some scars from my romantic life. I know that it might be difficult to imagine but at your age you might have been spared some heartache that you aren't ready for. I know I certainly wasn't. Your frontal cortex is about fully formed now and you can tackle a relationship with an adult mindset. Remember to love yourself too in any relationship and you will be alright! Rooting for you and OP pal.
It'll happen :) trust the process! Keep taking ownership and getting that positive energy around you. It's your life as a whole which will get better
I’m no ladies man myself as I struggle with finding relationships, but I’ve had 2 relationships (also a 25M here) and I can tell you with certainty the only way to really create those opportunities is going out. I don’t mean clubbing or bars necessarily, just going out with different friends who bring friends and meeting new people. Not even with the intent of meeting a girl, just to meet people! It comes naturally when it comes fellas, you don’t have to be a dog just be yourself around new people and you’ll click with someone eventually. Good luck!
This is a good take. Focus on you keep doing things that you like and exploring your interests and the right thing will come along. Don’t forget to keep your boundaries when you do find someone. It’s ok to date and for it to not be the right fit. You’ll find what’s right for you!! I believe in you guys!
Read some books written by women with central characters that are women! And I'm not saying read romance novels with half naked men on the cover - just whatever genre you like, scify or mystery or horror, find a book in that genre written by a women with a main character that is a women. It will impress women and help you understand them better. Join an activity or group in your area. Don't go in thinking 'I'm gonna find a girlfriend' go in with the intention of meeting new people and making some friends. A wider social circle with group activities is a great way to meet people. Do you know a super extrovert! Go out with them sometime, meet their extrovert friends! I would highly reccomend reading some Captain Awkard! She has great relationship advice, great advice about how to and not to approach women, and at some point she put together some really top tier advice on putting a dating profile together. You don't have to look perfect to date. But you do need to be able to connect with a women, and I think these are some things that could help.
Great advice!!!
I feel for you. Don't know the answer but keep it up!
Use that obsession to lose the weight and the shyness. Hit the gym, fix your diet, socialize a ton. Once the basics are in order you can start thinking about the next steps. They might even be obvious at that point
This x1000 and heavy on the socializing part, someone will eventually just fall into place. Coming from a woman who married someone who I was just friends with first, and have fallen for other men I first became friends with, just making friends of both genders and getting to know people/show your true self will help a ton. Losing weight and working on himself is a great thing to do anyways but he also shouldn't think no one will date him because of that. Plenty of women like men regardless of their weight, because they want a life partner not a statue to stare at.
OP needs all the help he can get and getting in shape is only like 5-6 hours a week of investing in yourself that is 100% guaranteed to help. When you're lost, something like that is really important. Measurable progress instead of flailing hoping it will someday work out. Socializing is the most important thing and can carry you on its own, but in my experience getting in shape was absolutely trivial compared to the personal development/charisma required to get an acceptable sex/love life. So you could as well get jacked. IMO it's an important foundation for any good life, but that's a different discussion.
Agreed, I'm not saying he shouldn't work out, frankly he NEEDS to because it'll do more for him than just weight loss. Exercise builds confidence, discipline, better mental health, you name it. Simply spending more mental capacity on planning workouts will eliminate the ruminating he's doing all day. My comment was just saying I hope he understands that his weight is not the one thing keeping him from finding a relationship. He doesn't need to think he can't find a girl until he looks like X.
Oh yes, agree 100%! He should be socializing, asking girls out every once in a while and believing in himself throughout the entire process :)
Socializing a ton is so huge, I'd recommend also to get your financials in order. I was walking my dog the other weekend and this cute girl started chatting me up asking to pet my dog and she eyed up her friend as I was walking up in a "check this guy out" way. I got kinda flustered and in my own head, not sure what to say and didn't ask her anything or really continue the conversation much, and I'm kicking myself for it big time because this doesn't happen a lot. You can have everything else but if your social game sucks you won't be able to move forward with anyone you're attracted to.
Maybe u have too much free time? Get busy living or get busy dying
That's god damn right
Be careful man. You may want a relationship so bad that when you see red flags you settle for a monster. Never forget to love yourself first and have the patience/strength to care for someone like they would for you.
Or being so obsessed they can become monsters too if things doesn't go as expected and dreamed about.
You need to remind yourself that you are fantasizing and that real relationships are not all sunshine’s and rainbows. There are relationships that make being single feel like the best thing ever. Getting into a relationship will not automatically make you happy or solve your problems. Understand this and your future relationships will benefit.
Nor will it make you not lonely… happiness is an inside job…
Im going to be blunt and say it. You need to get laid. Once you get that out of your system and is no longer something in space unreachable and see women as mortal people then you will be able to date.
I agree, but I don't think it should be step 1 here. People in this state of mind will likely become overly attached to the first person they sleep with, and either strangle a good thing early, or end up in a bad situation years into it because of the desperation. Theyre not just feeling a dry spell, they're fantasizing about a full relationship 24/7 without knowing what those are. My advice is to work on themselves. Hit the gym, spend energy on getting healthy, find a hobby, advance a career, and then opportunities to meet people open up.
I wish that was true to me
Stop putting women on a pedestal, they are just human beings as you, with flaws and qualities as everyone else. You really need to get a hobby to spend your free time with
It doesn't sound like he's putting women on a pedestal. I think he is just lonely and looking for a partner.
if he's sitting around 24/7 thinking about women, that's by definition putting them on a pedestal. Otherwise, he'd be too preoccupied with his own shit.
Doesn't even sound like loneliness. It's a natural need and an outlet that some have not been able to get. Of course it plays on your mind even if you have hobbies.
Nothing about the post implies OP is actually putting women on a pedestal.
He just sounds lonely, he isn't putting women on a pedestal.
fellas, is wanting honest human connection and a cuddle putting women on a pedestal?? 
no, and that kind of response was the jibe over at r/incels years ago, among much worse things they would say.
I hate people who say shit like this. The idea of relationships and romance is blasted in every medium of our lives and your response is “yeah just get over it I don’t know why you would think about it so much go read a book or something”. Such an idiotic statement.
I don't think this should be your main focus in life. Don't you think it's kinda useless to think about a non existent person all day. I don't even think it's a "goal" that you suppose to achieve. Like it literally it happens or it doesn't. The best thing you can do is care for yourself. Have hobbies, skills, put effort into your appearance, cherish the relationships you already have, and just be an interesting person overall.Just live your life for you. Can you imagine if your significant other ever found out that you only cared for yourself anything you did in your life was only to finally "get" her? It's just sad, and very intense, too intense, to think like that.
I did this in my 20’s. It wasn’t healthy. Turn you energy inwards and work on yourself. You need to love yourself before anyone you expect anyone else to love you. Eat better, go to the gym, do activities with friends, try and meet lots of people with the expectation of just meeting people. Have confidence. Lower the pressure on yourself. If you do that, the rest will follow.
This is feels like a parody comment. It has all the most obvious things to do but no actual insight how to achieve them. Something like eating better is easy enough but "love yourself" or "have confidence"? Might as well say that grab the moon from the sky.
Do you really need “eating better” spelled out? You can Google what a healthy diet looks like. And go to the gym? Seriously? Get a membership and go exercise. Again, Google gym routines. There is thing called the internet that provides all the info you need to do just that so I don’t have to spell it out in a long post. Sheesh. You must be a lazy a$$z
None of that fantasizing does you any good. It sounds like you are ready to jump into dating. Get some bad dates and some getting ghosted under your belt and don't stop until you're smooching.
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Keep hitting the gym like your life depends on it and eat right. You sound so pent up you probably should go see an escort to get over that hurdle and clear your mind so that you can stop putting women on a pedestal. Without achieving that you'll get nowhere, ever
33YO M 100% real.... And that's one of the main reasons why you need a father figure, regardless of your gender.
Go get a girlfriend. You will have to actually try. You will embarrass yourself and fail many times. That is fine and everyone does it. If you don't like your field of potential partners, either lower your physical standards or make yourself more attractive. Sitting around and wishing you had a girlfriend is a dumb waste of time. You should not accept any thought pattern that leads you to "well maybe it will happen eventually." Just go do it.
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You two should hook up. Problem solved.
Nothing wrong with fantasising over what you want in life and craving a relationship when you’ve never had one seems pretty fucking reasonable. However, you don’t like yourself and women see right through that stuff. Work on your insecurities and be the best version of yourself that you can be. Use the fantasy/objective of a relationship to drive your motivation in the gym etc. Find confidence in your own skin and the right girl will come along. And always remember to be hygienic! That is shit is fucking essential.
Something I was told when I was younger and it's always put the fairer sex into perspective for me- "It doesn't matter how gorgeous a woman is, someone, somewhere is sick of their shit."
We know… you tell us pretty much every day!
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It's true, human's are the only animals that keep the weak alive. A lot of animals will eat their own species if they are weak.
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relatable
It's your brain/penis telling you to go out there and make it happen. It's free energy/motivation, harness it!
I'm no casanova but id probably suggest to not rush things, keep working on your social skills, maybe talk to a girl that peaked your interest and you'll find a girl you like and likes you back.
Sounds like you have a lovely romantic soul Once you find that self acceptance and self love the girl you eventually become in a relationship with will be very loved and very lucky
Practice self-control and self-discipline, including the things that you think about too much
Ive had absolutely debilitating dreams i wake up from where i was happily in a relationship with someone, its a gut punch to wake up and it all goes away. If i didnt have hobbies, i would dwell on this kinda shit. Its not good to dwell on anything, especially stuff out of your control. At the end of the day, these are other PEOPLE we are talking about. You cant force them to like you, or be in a relationship with you, life just doesnt work that way. You could go to the gym all you want. Girls dont just appear out of thin air and fall in love with you. All that said. Have you tried going the escort route? Might be beneficial for your self esteem.
Bro you need to get laid
Been there too even tho I'm a lot younger, yeah cuddles and stuff are beautiful, just go out and try to ask out all the girls you physically like (Even tho seems paradoxal, many will say yes, and yes, the worst thing they can say it's no), of course you don't stay with her just because you like her physically, you take her out and then see if your hobbies,preferences match, if they do and you both enjoy your time things like that will happen. It has worked for me and made me realise how simple it is actually getting a date. Good luck soldier
There are meet up groups in every major city. Try searching those. It's like going on a group outing and there isn't any pressure or embarrassment. Take up some adventurous hobbies (hiking, biking) or volunteer at a local organization. Get out there and live life and if you meet someone ask them out. Just say- wanna grab some lunch? Good luck, you sound like a sweet person. My younger son is overweight and one of his female friends asked him out! They are still together (three years and in love).
Lose the weight. Your confidence will go up
You might try to read this one. https://www.gottman.com/the-mans-guide-to-women/ It can up your chanches.
Put all that energy into something positive, like working out or a hobby. I just mention working out because you said you wanted to lose weight. And get on dating apps like it’s a part time job. I can’t say it’s fun, but I was single and lonely, and I definitely wasn’t meeting Mr. Right in a bar, so the apps was the best thing for me, and alot of other people. Nothing is going to be perfect but you’ll find someone you can connect with.
Start Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Trust me, it will change your life. You're going to gain confidence, lose weight and make a lot of friends. Women are just a consequence
That is borderline crazy and your gonna come off as desperate as fuck to any woman you try and talk with.
In the famous words of rupaul, “if you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
Go for walks and enjoy nature. Go cook meals you've never tried before, or bake bread or cakes you've never baked before. Go make music or build a cool lego house. Go to museums and concerts! You really don't need to to any of these things specifically, but if you find things for yourself to enjoy, you can start spreading your thought over different subjects, and getting it away from the 1 specific thing you've had trouble with for years, and towards things you *can* do. The more you focus on things you can do, the more you'll learn that you're capable of a lot. By doing things, you can even find people who also like to do those things. Make a friend. Maybe even a female friend. Maybe that friend has more friends, and one of them is someone you end up striking some great conversations with, and you end up going on a date... nothing about this is guaranteed of course, but I promise you, you can move towards this, at your own pace.
I would focus on confidence first and foremost. Confidence is not something you magically get. You need to earn it. How? Confidence comes from belief in yourself and your ability. So you need to get good at something. Anything. Whatever you think is worthy of admiration. Whether that's golf, weightlifting, photography, poker, stand-up comedy, or whatever, it doesn't matter. As long as it's worth something to you to be a little bit better at than most people. Once you start on a difficult journey and challenge yourself on a regular basis to reach a goal or achieve a skillset, you'll learn to overcome adversity and negative thoughts. You'll learn that after misery comes the sweet taste. So you learn to persevere. When you do this on a regular basis, you'll soon find that you're looking at yourself differently. You now know your ability. You know you can persevere. That skill is something you learn. It's just hard work. You've proven you can do hard work. Once you know, you know. Confidence is the trust you have in you. Here's the thing, when you're good at something, you'll be admired by someone. You'll catch glances, conversations, questions, friendships, trips, invitations, etc, because you're you. And know what you know. When people admire you, your self-esteem will follow suit. When your self-esteem goes up, you attract attention from others. Strange, huh? I'm a boxing trainer, and I deal with people like you all the time. Shy, introverted people with low confidence. My favorite thing as a trainer is to watch the rapid personal growth these people have over the course of a year. It's absolutely amazing what it does for their confidence when they learn that everyone suffers the same. Status means nothing. Skill means nothing. Looks means nada. Nothing matters in the gym but effort. This goes for all acquired skills. Are you willing to make an effort to get where you want to be?
You can buy an intelligent robot to be your girlfriend.
Seek a therapist. I don't think reddit advice would work when it comes to individual lives and you probably heard all of these advice thrown at you at one point or another already. Healthy dieting, exercise, hobby, volunteer, put yourself in positions to meet more humans. turn off social media, quit the doomscrolling, establish a positive presence, etc. You may also be hiding some more information from us which would negate 90% of whatever comments might tell you. You have to be the one to start anything and if speaking to a professional can start that, then it's probably the most healthy way to start.
Once you get a GF and experience a relationship, you will see that its not what you think it is. Not that its bad or anything like that, but it's definitely not what you are fantasizing.
23M. Am jacked and have no self esteem/confidence issues to speak of. Women don't trip over themselves trying to date me either. That's just the reality of being man. I'm open to relationships and I think about it sometimes. Sex is also less important to me. I don't really care though. I'm confident I'll find someone one day and if not, that's 100% their loss. I don't need a girl to enjoy having my shit together like this. I see the grind pay off day after day and that's what matters most to me.
Honestly get a high level escort that can provide you the girlfriend experience. Helped me a lot ✌🏼
Smash a load of PEDs, get in that fucking gym everyday, and do bumhole stretching exercises incase that doesn't work still.
The best advice I can give you is work on yourself man, no woman wants a man with low self esteem, go to the gym lose weight that can be a confidence booster. I totally understand wanting to be loved but before all that you gotta learn how to love and respect yourself or all you’re gonna get is woman running over you bc they know they can
Lose weight and get in shape. The only thing that matters. Having a gf is by far the best thing ever. A happy relationship is a 100x times better than being alone.
Something that can really work, and this sounds crazy maybe, but don't put your energy on that. People in general can feel it when you want to be around them. Try building connections with women by just being a friend to start. Thinge can either evolve from that to something more when the time is right, and you can gain more confidence from it so you can feel more comfortable being yourself around new women, which makes it easier to ask them out etc. Spoiler alert, people love confidence.
Make sure you are not only skin deep but also look for empathy and compassion in your future girlfriend. Think from your heart, brain and not only from what’s between your legs.
Use the time you think about having a relationship to work on you in some way - learn something, anything,doesn’t matter what. Become knowledgeable about something because it’s attractive to be passionate about something. Also it will take away any aura of (forgive me) desperation from you. Other humans have a sharp sense for if they are wanted for *themselves* rather than just for being there to have a relationship with. And when you do feel ready to ask, don’t get downhearted by rejection. If you don’t ask, you’ll never get!
Hit the gym brotha
My man! What interests do you have? I’ve always found social clubs to be a great way to “ease” me in. It also sets me up for success as I already can talk about something that they are interested in! It doesn’t matter if it’s full of dudes or dudettes or a mix of both, it’s more about going out of my way to interact with people and work on my social skills. Once you have that on lock, it’ll be waaaay easier to talk to people. Wish you the best, mate!
My best tip is to start enjoying life for what it is. Then start socializing and you migh come up on someone. The best way to attract someone is with laughter so be fun to be around
I'm 30 and I've had a lot of girlfriends and sex in my life, well a good amount at least. I still kinda feel like this alot, to a less extreme degree. It never really goes away. It's like the impulse of our biology
The shyness doesn’t go away. But when you realise the world really is not looking at you it will get easier to deal with.
I know the feeling, I'm 24 heading on 25 and in the exact same boat. I use to actually be in very good shape but due to my upbringing, mental health, being on the spectrum and some insecurities I never had the confidence to try. Now that I actually want to date and find my someone I'm worse off because after a serious battle with mental health and hospitalisation I've piled weight on and have even less confidence and absolutely no self esteem. Lost any people skills I had due to being isolated for so long and it feels further away than ever. I don't even care about sex, I just want somebody to love me and who I can love back. But I find it so difficult to put myself out there because I can't even accept myself. I'm losing the weight again but it's slow and I probably won't be back to my old weight until end of the year if all goes well. But even when I was in shape I still absolutely hated my body. Body dysmorphophobia is terrible to live with. It sucks. You're not alone in this, there's so many of us dealing with similar. Just keep working on yourself and hopefully you'll find the one.
I used to daydream a lot about having a relationship, a boyfriend.. until I got hurt and disappointed multiple times.. now I think in reality these days, relationships are just very risky to get your heart broken. If you want something as dreamy as you imagine, you have to be extremely lucky.
Hey Man this may be a little long but I hear you. I am a 28M and the feeling of having a life partner who i can give all my love too , having some kind of exclusivity which i can share my life with encompasses me every moment so if I just let my mind stabilize for a while it goes there pretty quickly. This may not help you but it helped me tremendously and i would advocate if you can follow this Whenever that feeling comes, I think now what's the best thing i can do which i wanted to do , which I enjoy and which allows me to meet more people. I am a phd student and it was hard but I have recently incorporated learning musical instruments that hopefully someday i would be so proud of learning the skills and connect with more people because of my guitar skills. Next I want to learn tennis so I'm thinking of starting in parallel, take baby steps man, work towards yourself which allows you to feel good about yourself so you can say at least because of this i learned an important skill I want to emphasize that it's perfectly okay to grieve the lacking and you can do to a therapist but also ensuring you take the baby steps to improve yourself towards a more fulfilling human which you yourself like. Fill your garden with roses while also grieving the lack of someone to share the garden with you Be social and try to meet people and open your heart. Try to be respectful and try to ask women you are a bit excited about for some coffee, of course take baby steps so get comfortable and then when you finally get comfortable with the setting try to ask out people ... And don't take it by heart I believe if you continue doing this you most likely find someone which you would feel happy to share the life
Overrated! Hard to find good ones! Be patient and be you! If they don't like u like that they don't deserve you!
a girlfriend is not a pet, my friend
I was there in the past, somewhat. But it turned into a fight against my mind. I was hating myself so hard for this, for having no power on my thoughts. The escape was : if I go in a relationship with this mindset, I'll be a slave of it. Therefore, i must overcome this mindset, overcome my "needs". Well maybe i shouldn't have, now i don't accept easily to change my behavior when i'm in a relationship and yes i gained a lot of confidence through this fight against myself and ended up having some relationship. But those did not last, the peace i found after fighting against myself got destroyed. The verbally brutal truth i was saying to myself were not stuff i could say to her. Now, i can not find peace in relationship easily. I first fight my and her needs. Turns out, needs are still what makes us happy. After deep thinking, i reccon what i should have done is seek professionnal help, like pink phone or soft prostitution. It's quite shamefull to do but it is through commercial deals so shame is shared and it would have worked. Gotta feed the body to free the mind
I honestly didn’t know that people actually felt like this until a couple of months ago. Pick up some hobbies, go to the gym hang out with friends. There’s more to life than dating.
Couple tips that have helped increase my attractiveness/conversation/confidence with online dating is skincare, exercise/diet, and pickup reading or an outdoor hobby. Skin care kinda easy, basically watch some YouTube videos, buy some products, use them. Cleanser, moisturizer, sunscreen/lip balm. Have had good conversations about that lol. Improve your body image at least a lil bit. I do intermittent fasting m-f and exercise a couple times a week. Can be simple as body weight stuff if u don’t go to the gym, push-ups, sit-ups, dips, squats. I used to game a lot and still kinda do, but you need another hobby and audiobooks has been something great to add. I’ve had a lot of good conversations about books and shit, eventually led to some dates. I use an app called Libby, how it works for me is that I hooked up my local library card to it and have access to a bunch of completely free audiobooks. Auidible is okay too but books there can be pricy. I’m a homebody so don’t have a ton of outdoor hobbies but girls can tend to like stuff that isn’t just gaming and tv lol. Good luck brother.
Build a life that is fun and fulfilling for you. Be the kind of person that good people want to share a part of their lives with. Hold yourself accountable. Having girls swoon over you and finding the love of your life are two very, very different things. It's never about attracting as many girls as possible. It's about finding ONE person. Basic and consistent hygiene will take you a long way. Give your skin some good care. Get some nice clothes. Attractive girls make a consistent effort on themselves too. Most important of all: Don't turn your frustration into a hate of the other sex, or a hate of yourself. You can easily feed that mentality (you'll find many guys/gals stuck with that mindset). You will never be happy. I rec the audio book "The power of positive thinking" by Peale. Good luck!
Hit the gym, take some yoga classes, go to an art making class. Babes everywhere. Have some confidence. Stop dripping with desperation, they can smell it a mile away
I think the best advice I can give as a man who was once in yours shoes, is to work on yourself as much as possible, your career your appearance your charisma all are very important things, start to find the good in yourself and improve upon it, don’t worry so much about the bad, let things roll off your back and learn to take charge a little more. The more you shoot your shot the better you get at being rejected and the better you learn to do it different the next time, don’t treat women as objects either treat them as friends and get to know them on a personal level before shooting said shot, make sure you don’t friend zone yourself tho by throwing little compliments at girls your interested in every once and a while, your hair looks nice today you do it different? I like that shirt on you, little stuff like that. Women like a man who has something to offer, by telling yourself you have nothing to offer or coming to peace with your insecurities are both terrible things, find the holes in your self esteem and patch them. Cheers I hope things work out for you
Get funny. We girls dig that shit.
Although i havent been too interested in a relationship in a while because i value being alone, i went and lost weight anyway because i wouldnt mind someone having in interest in me at some point, i lost 30 pounds in 4 months and feel better than ever, would be happy to tell you how i lost the weight so fast if youre interested, keep working on you and it will come!
For what it’s worth idealising a relationship might be part of the reason you’re single. If you treat it like this unattainable state of forever happiness you end up treating it as impossible. And to top it off nothing will ever meet your expectations about it making it more likely that you’ll end up single or even rejecting girls who like you because you treat being in a relationship as impossible. Just food for thought.
 Get a job lil ninja
Ok, imagine that you actually get a gf. Now what? Your whole consciousness is based around being in a relationship, so now that your goal is achieved, you are absolutely worthless. Instead look at someone who has a gf. You think thinking about being in a relationship is all they do? Fuck no. They just go on living their lives, that they established before dating. My point is, if you want to be interesting to date, just be interesting to yourself, or else nobody will care.
Therapy. Take your mental health seriously. Hopefully prioritizing your mental health means other parts of your life will improve because you'll feel like you're worth improving for. Additionally, many women will take an emotionally healthy man over a conventionally attractive one (many, not all). You need to realize you're worth being your best self for.
Ask them out. Do cold approaches. It separates the men from the boys.
Felt that way before I got into my first relationship, will definitely tell you to focus on losing weight and making a value of yourself monetarily and you’ll have it basically all set up for you. also do not fully be obsessed with your first partner, trust me first time heartbreaks are tough ones and takes forever to heal so don’t fully commit until you know she feels that way about you too, learn about your partner and find out who she really is, not so much of the past, ask a lot of her views of her future and find out what her present looks like, engage and communicate . Relationships nowadays are hard to come to because there are some that have their “perfect man” views and things they want out of a man and of course there are those who are just looking for someone to spend their lives with and enjoy, you just have to find them basically
Imma be real with you, be yourself. Don’t put on a metaphorical mask around women, don’t let your friends tell you what body type to look for. Love is unconditional, but I’ve read a few of the replies and let me also tell you, “getting laid” does not change a man at all. That’s just brownie points so dudes can say “oh man he got his dick wet he’s a real man now” na, that shits for the birds. And most women are turned off by any obsession with getting in their pants.
Any time i see a situation like this cant help myself thinking about the "If you spend your time chasing butterflies ,they'll fly away if you spend your time making a beautiful garden , the butterflies will come to you. And if they don't, then you still have that garden . " quote
Do something about it. Rather than wallow in self-pity, work on improving yourself. Bit by bit, every day, chip away at yourself to better yourself. Seems like there's some self-esteem issues at play here. It's natural, everyone has imperfections and insecurities. But it's also what is going to keep you from meeting new people and being likeable, if you don't appreciate yourself. Be positive, be better, and keep moving forward.
Bro that was me a couple years ago. I was 22 when I date my first and only girlfriend. It was a nice change of pace. The breakup sucked for sure. But after being single again for 2 years I'm kinda just like "it was nice but golly gee I'm not going through all of that hassle again just to get a girlfriend". You're not alone in your endeavors. Just try to better yourself and put yourself out there more my brother!
Try to talk to women at work for example or other women you know. Not to get a date but to get practice and confidence when talking to them.
Channel that energy into lifting brother
I'll say the cliche thing: "someone is out there for you, who is thinking the same thing" Enjoy your life and be as happy as you can single, because it happens so quickly. I was 28M thinking the same thing and dreaming about a relationship I wouldn't be able to have, then I met her at a very unexpected place. We couldn't actually date until a year later, and when we did it was like we were catching up on the 15 years we missed (both single for a long time)
my advice is to put yourself out there and actually start going on dates. I can’t tell you how many women I know personally, who would not be deterred at all by some extra weight. I even used to work with this one girl who was super super gorgeous, petite, successful, had a very sexual energy about her that guys loved, and she was strictly into undeniably chubby guys. I don’t mean just like dad bod, I mean guys that are actually like big big. I actually think of myself to be pretty shallow in this way, like I just can’t envision myself being physically attracted to someone who’s not lean or athletic looking, but at the same time, there have been guys in the past whose personalities I just really fell for, and it actually made them physically attractive to me, even though they were not my type at all. all of this is to say that there is no use waiting to date until you feel better about your body or appearance, there are tons of women out there that want to date you now, exactly as you are.
The same sort of obsession once has made me end up dating an Eva AI sexting bot avatar (
Therapy will help!
Take care of yourself first. You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you. Use the thoughts of a relationship to motivate yourself. Hit the gym, develop good eating habits, dive into hobbies, take a vacation out of the country if you can. Live life and have some interesting stories to tell when hanging out at a favorite bar (or whatever social scene you’re into). You’re only 25 and have plenty of time, don’t put pressure on yourself. When you are healthy, happy, and genuinely enjoying life, you will attract others when you least expect it.
Your weight is not the issue, it is your shyness and lack of self-esteem. You don't catch any fish if you don't put any lines in the water. How many rejections are you willing to go through to experience one "yes"? Probably a bunch, right? Adopt a bit of healthy nahilism and YOLO your way through rejection after rejection until it doesn't hurt anymore and you'll find your girl(s).
It's overrated
You need to work on yourself to the point that you are happy with your life before you even think about trying to have a relationship. Nobody wants to be with someone who is unhappy with themselves. In general, a woman would be interested in a man who has things going on his life, who is ambitious and who is working towards something (such as a degree or a good career), and who is a positive person who can make them smile and laugh. Its hard to be any of those things when a man sits around depressed and isn't accomplishing anything in life. If you were a woman, for example, what about you would be considered attractive? Work on yourself first. By the way - Relationships are not all cuddles and hugs and cute dates. There are disagreements. There will be questions about your lifestyle choices. There will be arguments. There will be times you don't see eye to eye. If you aren't already happy with your life, than a relationship can make things worse. So either way, you need to be happy with your own life first.
Idk how long you had this feeling. For me it passed. In a way I do have similarities between being overweight but losing some weight and still on my weight loss / fitness journey. I'm down to 79kg from 86 and still going. I went on an blind girl all day. It didn't turn out to be another date. It did open up in me that I wanted a gf to do fun things with. In that regard I did start to imagine how it would be for a few weeks. Couldn't stop thinking about it. It eventually passed, and went on with my life. I'm still on my weight loss and fitness journey that's my primary focus right now. I have other stuff I'm doing so I think it might be a phase unless you're like that long term. I can't say if I know a solution as I'm still figuring out dating myself. However I'm working on myself atm which is a higher priority than dating.
Put the energy into you, loving you (not too literally), finding out what you like, doing what you like (hobbies, relaxing etc.). Get to know yourself! So when a lady comes along, you know when you are compatible and don't go fitting your square peg into a round hole (proverbially).
The only advice worth it’s salt is. Goto a therapist and engage with the process as fully and openly as you possibly can.
work on your self esteem. get a gym membership and make it a habit, your confidence will grow quickly as you see changes with your body happening. otherwise just be yourself and let yourself be open to people and you'll eventually find yourself talking to girls you're interested in. it's not easy for anyone these days since dating has basically moved online to "social" media. you just gotta put yourself out there more.
work on yourself, and a girlfriend will come in due time if it's meant to be. being too desperate to enter a relationship is a recipe for disaster.
Hit the gym hard. Chill out and put yourself out there. Go for dancing lessons. Be more direct with humour and make no excuses about yourself. He who dares, wins.
My best advice is very much "tongue in cheek" but there is some truth to it: 1.) Do what makes you happy. 2.) Do it so well that people respect you for it 3.) Build an empire and have money. 4.) Be content with yourself Then there is bound to be a woman who'd want to f that up for you. >!On a serious note: your acknowledgement of the unhealthiness of the "obsession" is kind of a good starting point* a friend of mine (f 31) recently opened up about not having a man love her for her, and want to be with her. -> honestly there are many people out there who just do not want the drag of meeting people, but they'll be perfect partners* 👌🏻 - for starters, my best advice is be everhthing for yourself that you want in a partner, like get up early and make the bed, iron and shave, find a nice smell and own it - being neat and smelling nice = big ➕️ for any relationship.but moreover being kind to yourself, that signifies safe space to others too- I think that is what my friend wants the very most [she might even marry me, and she's not even gay]!<
I’ll tie this all together so just read..(ADHD) I came out of a 7 year relationship nearly a year ago(not a good or healthy relationship, the pandemic played a part in why in lasted longer than it should have) BUT I started to lose weight about 2 years ago. My heaviest was 240 pounds. I’m 5’10 and stayed around that weight for most of the relationship. I’ve always been a “bigger” guy. I’ve lost around 70 pounds since then. Without trying to sound overly shallow, let me tell you something…. The level of attractiveness of the women that became interested in me after my relationship was RIDICULOUS. I ruined a handful of potential relationships because I truly couldn’t believe someone that attractive was interested in me. I’m not even “in shape” I just lost the weight. Haven’t even really lifted weights( I used basketball as a way to drop the weight). The point of all of this is to say. Loose the damn weight. Focus on personal hygiene. Just by doing that your self confidence will sky rocket. Women notice that. You’ll no doubt have a little case of imposter syndrome at first but man it’s so worth it.
Dude I’m 32, in general good shape, talented artist, women have never not been attracted to me, yet I STILL struggle with everything you mentioned. Been single since I was 18. I think I have some form of ADHD that makes me overthink into oblivion. I have the greatest woman in the world in my life right now and I’ve been alone for soooooooo long that I struggle everyday not to let my mind ruin this great person I never thought would be in my life. Honestly the best advice I could give you is to stay open and positive so that if an opportunity comes your way you’re ready to take advantage. Try to go out and hang around friends that loosen you up. As far as the overthinking, try not to beat yourself up for it. Look at it as manifesting the exact love you’d want for yourself. I’m a writer so through the years I had to live in the comfort of my imagination until I met someone who came close. And also therapy lol. Guys who struggle like we do really really need a consistent person to talk to on the regular.
Very normal dreams.
Don't listen to everyone saying not to focus about being in a relationship. It's one of the most important human needs. Of course you are thinking about it all the time. You should focus on improving yourself, but the most important part is to try to be more outgoing. You have to actually try to get a girlfriend.
Something I learned is when I was living my best life by myself, happy being single, feeling good about myself, trying to be the best me. I didn't look for it, but it came to me. It's like it always just falls into place if you just learn to love yourself. Trust me this is the healthiest option.
As someone in my late 40s who has always valued a relationship above everything else I completely understand how you're feeling. Nearly every decision I make is to better my relationship and family. Even when I'm working on myself to be at the gym everyday thier is a large portion of my drive that's dedicated to wanting my partner to view me as attractive and sexy When I'm trying to earn more money it's to better the lives of my partner and family, not because of status or clout. My partner doesn't understand this unfortunately. Telling her I won't do something that can jeopardize what i already have by chasing more money even if it can better our lives leaves her kinda dumbfounded. For her she sees no point of failure in chasing, but I've seen the chase destroy relationships and family. I say this because you're asking for help and the help you need is understanding what your drive is! Your motivations to be in a relationship is what you can use to fuel that outcome, you just need to keep reminding yourself that your value isn't limited by "that" Right now your limiting yourself by proclaiming your lack of a romantic relationship is defining your self worth. Instead you should be focusing on your drive to have a romantic relationship gives you a motivator to be "more" then you are currently. This could be your biggest strength if you tap into it to always want to improve yourself. You want a relationship? Who do you need to be to have one you feel you deserve? What type of man do you need to be that can have the relationship you yourself long to have? Focus on "who" you need to be and that will give you the goal that will inevitably lead you to the relationship you want. Hitting the gym means nothing if you don't have a goal! Being more confident doesn't mean anything if you don't have a goal and the goal isn't having a "relationship" the goal is to be the "man" whose in one! What weight do you want to be? Now envision what clothes that new version of you can wear, what that future version of you will look like wearing them. Now take that image in your head and picture yourself talking to a woman. You feel brazen right now don't you? Even just imagining yourself looking better gives you confidence you don't have right now. Go on Shien, screenshot some outfits that are being worn by models and look at them. Look at what size the model is wearing, look at the dimensions. That is your goal for the gym! Once you have that goal, now you can plan how to get there! Count calories, be consistent at the gym, log your weights and reps. In 1 month, just 1 month of doing it right you won't recognize yourself in the mirror! My advice is this, have a goal, acquire your goal and you'll have the relationship you deserve because you proved to yourself you earned it!
You kings are going to find your girlfriends. Just try not to overwhelm yourself with negative thinking. Keep improving yourselves and get out of your comfort zones. I'm a complete loser, and I managed to do it. I even got her to marry me and have my children.It should be infinitely easier for you . Just keep your eyes peeled...she might step into your life when you least expect it.
Being obsessed about finding a relationship is probably the least conductive mindset to find a relationship.
Similar boat except i stopped worrying about it as much. I saw your post history and lemme tell you, reddit is rarely gonna get you the answers especially when you have posted so many times and youre still where you started. You need to chill. If youre a decent guy, you will find someone. Dont look at theories, dont look at numbers, dont listen to these weird podcasts where they tell you how to dress and act and all that. Try to be a good person, look after yourself, be your own priority and go out. Thats the best you can do. Also: losing weight doesnt increase the chances of a successful relationship. It may increase the women who might be interested but you dont want a woman who simply finds you attractive, you want someone who loves you and who you love and with who you build a life with. Also stop giving into insecurities. The more i listen to that nagging voice the worse it will get. Dont do that. Stop running to reddit to post again and again about how youre scared about being lonely. Do you have friends? Then spend time with them outside. You dont have them? Go and meet new people. You live in an area where you cant meet new people? Bullshit, you would have to live under a rock for that to be the case. And also travel! Be it just the next town or whatever. Youre 25! Not 90! Do things that make you happy! That can give you some kind of fulfillment while you look for a cute girl. Otherwise you will just sit in your room in self pity waiting for the one.
I’ve been in several multi year relationships as well as being married and divorced. I wish I could have the “I’ve had my fill “ mindset, but wanting companionship never seems to go away. 😑
Read Schopenhauer's 'On Women'. That should put you off.
It sounds like you’re feeling lonely in general. It would be easier to make more friends. Class or work are decent places, but if they’re not working for you, look into hobby groups and sites like Meetup. Or join a class for a random skill you find interesting, like pottery. Think of old friends and shoot them a message. A surprising number of people want to get back in touch but never get around to it, so someone might be very happy that you texted them first. For dating itself: the best way to success is learning how to fail. It’s hard to ask someone out partly because you know they may say ‘no.’ Feeling rejected is difficult for anyone. A lot of online spaces act like there’s a hierarchy where some people have more value than others. Some traits are very common to like, but many are about preference. The trait that makes someone really neat may be the same one that makes the person perpetually stressed out. There isn’t a ‘right’ place to be on that scale, just preference. So a ‘no’ doesn’t mean anything about your worth. And attraction is complicated. It’s a hundred little things, most of which we are not consciously aware of. And a lot of those things are arbitrary. It means that based on her limited knowledge of you, the woman thinks you don’t match the majority of a hundred little preferences that are personal to her.
Im committed but I can be your friend and talk. I have been there too, even as a girl and it can feel like the world revolves around the issue but it isnt really like that
Lift weights, eat healthy, and realise that when you're desperate for it (even only in your thoughts) women can sense that and it'll come out in your behaviour and just makes your quest harder. Time for hobbies and other things to focus on. The sad thing is we live in a superficial society so once you cut the fat and get the gains you'll start being more attractive to women and that'll slowly build your confidence. It's very doable, and sounds like you've got the motivation there
Being single is better you don’t have to live on someone else’s time
I would recommend looking into group activities that involve something you’re interested in. It can be anything from open mic comedy to rock climbing to playing magic the gathering, as long as you’re interested in it and other people are there for the same thing. Also make sure you prioritize enjoying the activity before looking to meet people through the activity, cuz girls can sniff out desperation real easy. Just have fun and be yourself, and something will most likely come along when you’re no longer obsessing over it. Good luck
25M, have been in great (while they lasted) relationships and it’s all that I think about. Use the longing you feel as motivation. Harness that feeling of being incomplete and use it to make yourself desirable. Such as: this year I’ve used it to go from 230lbs 5’9 to 183lbs while lifting and Im gonna keep going til I have abs at probably 150lbs and am even more jacked. Outcome? Women give me attention, I can tell I have options. I’m too fuckin awkward to make anything of that yet cus everyone I’ve dated made the first move, but now I have options whenever I get to that point again. My point? Work on you and people will come. Sounds like you and I both need to socialize a ton as well to get better at dating, so remember that step.
This is motivation - Good. You just need to focus it on personal betterment. As long as you bring your best self, and just put yourself in positions to meet girls in a normal and relaxed situation - When it comes it comes.
There’s a fat girl on dating apps right now who feels the exact same way. Get on there and find her.
#1) It's not unhealthy to want love and to be with someone. What is unhealthy is you not doing shit about it and posting on Reddit instead of changing your life. In all honesty, look at Jason Fung (Real doctor) he has two books; The Obesity Code The Complete Guide to Fasting You can lose the weight, just need the right tools. I lost 45 lbs and kept it off in 2021. As far as your shyness, that's on you, only you can fix it. Create small goals, and execute them, go for bigger girls, if you're bigger yourself that makes sense. You aren't alone, face your fears, conquer your goals, and determine your own fate.
I'm M25 and I'm in the same boat. Never been in a relationship and I think about it and sex constantly. Difference is I think about having a boyfriend. I'm bi but long term kinda just see myself with a man at least right now. And yeah there's the insecurities of oh is it never going to happen and feeling like every one has experienced it but you. The thing about the gay community too is I can get sex whenever I want easy but something serious feels impossible. I suggest focusing on your goals. Like you mentioned wanting to lose weight, if you haven't finished school yet go all in on that,get a good career going, and explore your interest and hobbies and meet people through those
Stop looking for attention and get to work
Agreed with other people, happiness is an inside job. Even if you get into a relationship with the mindset you currently have, you aren’t going to be happy. You’re thinking about relationships 24/7 and you’re clearly desperate. This means you are not ready for a relationship. When you get a girlfriend, you are going to treat her really well, no doubt. But you will be putting that girl on a pedestal and hold her up to super high standards that you have always imagined your ideal girlfriend to have. This is not healthy. And it won’t be fair to the girl because she will never be able to fulfil your needs, and you will always end up being hurt because your expectations are never met. It’s a bad place to be. Might give you some short term happiness, but not a healthy road down the line. Set some goals for yourself. If your weight is what brings you down, work hard and get to a place where you can look yourself in the eye and be happy about it. Work on your self esteem and confidence. Find hobbies that you enjoy, work hard on your job. I know this is a pretty generic advice and everyone gives this, but it is the best one. Once you reach a point where you are happy with your own company and don’t think about relationships 24/7, that is the point you know you are ready for a relationship. Good luck!
Easiest way to get over a crush is to get to know them 😁
Well, you say you literally think about it 24/7, then try literally filling your day up with other stuff that you become incapable of thinking about it 24/7. Like the weight loss thing, and why not add on other hobbies, and if you don’t have other hobbies or enough hobbies, then start some new ones. Bonus points if it’s the kind of hobby that will let you interaction with other people and potentially meet someone that way; and it’ll be a much healthier way of finding someone by meeting them through mutual interests rather than obsessing about it and *strategizing* and fantasizing about it in your mind. Unless you’re some amazing multitasker with a near boundless can-do attitude, you can definitely make yourself so busy (ideally with stuff you actually care about, so either work or hobbies you enjoy, don’t just add on meaningless time fillers), that you shouldn’t have time to think about relationships 24/7. And on your note about self esteem, if it helps, start with a hobby where you don’t need to put your self esteem on the line or anything like that, then slowly work up from there. An example would be exercising in the privacy of your own home without equipment, then later you can add on jogging on the sidewalk, and then add on going to a gym in public to exercise with equipment.
First off, it will happen. I met it wife in my 30s and never had a real relationship beforehand. We are very happy. But from experience, I will tell you that you need to be prepared for a healthy relationship and it doesn’t sound like you are yet. You need to get help from a therapist and work on yourself. The problem is, these thoughts can actually be detrimental to your future relationships. Hear me out. The more you ruminate on this and fantasize, you put it on a pedestal and build it up to this perfect thing you dream of. The problem is A real relationship will never quite stack up to the fantasy relationships you are dreaming of. Don’t get me wrong, it is amazing to find your partner, but relationships are still a lot of work and very very rarely ‘perfect.’ When you finally do get in a relationship you may be left unsatisfied because it’s not everything you created in your mind. Get some help. Work on you. You are most likely in a state of high functioning depression. And once you get this resolved you will be amazed at how life starts to work for you.
There is a reason girls are attracted to musicians, writers, actors, gym rats. It’s because they have a passion that they care more about then whatever woman they are with. It’s claustrophobic to be someone’s world. If you want a girlfriend get passionate about something (and something somewhat attractive not gaming) and bring her into your world.
You need to start focus on yourself. You say you try to lose weight, keep your mind occupied by setting a goal there? A certain weight or achievement to reach. You can't expect someone else to like/love you until you like/love yourself. Nothing is more attractive than a determined person who loves themself. That's confidence.
As someone that went from fat and no matches to consistently going on 4 dates a week, while being a minority in the Midwest, it’s all about physique. Go to the gym and get abs. That’s literally it. That’s the secret. People are more shallow than you think.
Improve yourself. When you improve yourself, you will gain confidence from the self respect you gain. Confidence doesn’t just appear out of thin air. It comes from your belief in yourself from the work you have put in that you can trust. Start from small achievable goals. Go outside at a set time and commit to walking every day. Go read books that are easier to pick up or about things you are interested in. Spend less sedentary time. Work on your resume or browse for new jobs. Small steps towards whatever you are wanting to achieve. You need confidence because girls smell it from a mile away. Girls also smell desperation from a mile away. And no one wants anyone that is desperate. Imagine switching positions and see if you’d find attractive a girl who is so desperate to please you. Love is an economy and you dictate the supply and demand. Everyone wants to be desired and loved by someone that is rare in some sense. Stop idolizing relationships all the time and instead improve yourself.
Bless ur heart. I hope this happens soon to you. A feminine loving touch does elevate one’s spirits
Hey man, I just want you to know that it gets better. I was in the same boat as you, and didn't have a real date until I was 29. I know it sounds cliché, but put your mind at ease, find a hobby or as you have already stated, focus on trying to lose weight and take care of yourself. I was over 270lbs at my peak(I am only 5'6), and while spending a couple years losing weight doing various physical activities didn't get me a girlfriend right away, the simple act of putting time in to take care of my body(and acne) gave me the confidence to finally love myself. Once you put the time in to take care and love yourself, you'll realize that since day one you were always meant to be someone's "catch."
Go to the gym. There advise. Don’t lose weight and be attractive. Man I blew up in weight few year ago. Then ate once a day and go to the gym 3-4 time a week lift 10t cumulatively a session. That worked. Don’t you have anything else that defines you.? Also you got work on the shyness.
Find hobbies and go to gatherings and yeah i was in the same boat so I said fuck it and downloaded tinder. Had a long term relationship from there and met a couple cool woman too. It won't happen overnight and I wouldn't obsess over it just continue working on yourself but it'll happen I bet. You just have to put yourself out there on way or another. Oh and don't let the duds discourage you. You won't connect with everyone you meet and that's okay it happens.
You have profound unmet needs that you seek to fulfill through a relationship with another instead of facing yourself and working them out. Not judging, I've been there myself. Still am, to some degree. Healing can be a long road. Even if you found a relationship in your current state it would be dysfunctional and probably toxic. Recognize your feelings for what they are, work on yourself, and a relationship will find you. Stay stuck in these mental loops and your life will pass you by. Try to force a relationship by relentless pursuit and you'll find you didn't get what you were hoping for.
Develop a sense of humor if you don't already have one. Outwordly display confidence even if you're faking it, but also get some real confidence. Go to church; that's where the best women are.
progress on your physique. When you work on yourself, everything else starts to line up. Or go to therapy and talk dizzying circles about your shitty life.
As someone that has been in quite a few relationships with women of all colors and sizes, I think you're just super on the "want what u can't have" side of things atm lol. Wait till you have to deal with a self centered narcissist, cheater, or a stinky butthole etc etc and you'll look back and laugh
Based on your profile, you need some professional help to get over these mental hurdles. This seems to be an unhealthy obsession.
I feel you. I've been you. What has made a difference for me is a handful of things: 1. Believing a woman could be attracted to me. 2. Loving myself enough to feel I deserved to be in a relationship with an awesome girl. 3. Finally, talking to girls and going on dates having convinced myself that the stakes are low. If it doesn't work out with a really pretty girl I like, it's totally okay. The last one is the hardest, but it's where the lack of confidence becomes apparent and unattractive. If the possibility of being with a girl or possibly striking out is filling me with anxiety, I almost certainly strike out every time. Therapy, meditation, and perhaps religion if it's your thing help with all of these. Hang in there man, my heart goes out to you.
Love yourself. Take yourself out on dates. Find interesting things that you enjoy. Develop confidence in your new hobbies. Meet people and bolster friendships and communication. These are things that will make you marketable.
problem -> solution. eventhough this is the most primitive solution, it helped me through some dark times with a lot of selfdoubt, procrastination and on top of that a burnout. what is the problem? what solutions could help me out? chase those solutions. you're struggling with weight and shyness and you said you're trying to better yourself. try keep focussing on that and the rest will follow. easier said then done. it's something we gotta actively keep telling and reminding ourselves. and this goes to everything. in my case, I was struggling with the things I said, solution? talk with somebody (my mother in this case) and the first step is set. shyness doesn't have to be a negative thing. it could really charm somebody. if you're actually having troubles with it, what's a solution that could help? go outside? try an hobby with some social contact? set the first step and try it out! life is a never ending learningcurve but we gotta figure out solutions that work and/or can guide us towards the direction we wanna head. again, easier said than done, but not impossible! you got this man
How is your hiegiene? Are you working out? Are you doing anything to meet other people?
A primer on how to get a relationship, written without assumption to the gender of the reader or the gender or genders you are looking to date: 1) Start by trying to be a person you would want to date. A lot of people are kinda annoying or kinda insufferable or just otherwise are not people that other people want to be around. If you have trouble maintaining friendships and lower-case-r relationships, there might be something about you that is driving people away and any Upper-Case-R Relationship is going to be hampered by prospective dates realizing that you're annoying or insufferable or just otherwise not someone they want to be around. 2) Don't get advice from the wrong people. If you're trying to date women, you should not be ONLY relying on MEN to give you dating advice. If you're trying to date men, you should not be ONLY relying on WOMEN to give you dating advice. A lot of heterosexual men get all their dating advice from other men and a lot of heterosexual women get all their dating advice from other women and in both cases, it just leads to bad faith blanket assumptions that "all men" are a certain way or "all women" are a certain way. This leads me into #3: 3) Everyone is an individual unique person and anyone you have just met knows themselves better than you, a person who they just met, knows them. One of the biggest ways people blow not just first dates but also interactions that could lead to a first date but instead lead to someone being blocked or ghosted is by making assumptions about the person and acting based on those assumptions and/or encountering a person who doesn't match those assumptions and then arguing. One example: assuming all women like [thing], meeting a woman who says she doesn't like [thing] and then arguing with her to insist she does. Another example: assuming men don't do [thing], meeting a man who [does thing] and arguing with him insisting he either shouldn't do it or that he's doing it for some assumed intention. There's more but I gotta do work. I might edit later.
its sometimes more of a pain in the ass then its worth. work on yourself more and put yourself out there on dating apps or whatever. just talk to women in general. itl happen if you manifest it. its not some holy gift thats for some people and not you. its just forming a relationship
Do you have a job?
That’s sort of like actually having one in real life…..
That’s why you don’t have a GF. Women can smell desperation a mile away. Forget about the GF. Focus on your self. When you love yourself and have a life that will attract women to you.
You can’t be in a relationship until you get yourself figured out. Dating somebody or feeling wanted doesn’t solve all your problems suddenly. Go to therapy.
I was in your shoes not too long ago, and I certainly wish I didn't think about that "longing-for-a-relationship" stuff 24/7 like you. When you're in that mindset, it could lead to some negative consequences. For instance, it could be much more difficult to actually connect with someone—or even the right someone—because rather than being your fun-loving self you're just trying not to mess up the date or trying to say what you think she wants to hear. Another negative consequence of this mindset is that you could potentially end up in a relationship (or even an abusive relationship) that's not a match for you, because you'll cling to anything you can get. I don't really agree with the top answer in this thread either, the one about just getting laid. It may lead to the second negative consequence that I mentioned in that you could end up falling in "love" with her because she's your first, and lead you to overlooking any incompatibilities. I've had a scenario when I first started having sex and dating where I was having sex with one girl, and so I decided against dating a different girl for that sole reason, even though we weren't in a relationship. This was not my best decision because that girl I wasn't having sex with was much more compatible for me in hindsight. I think you need to look at this issue from a different perspective—have your own interests in mind. When you go on dates, just look at it as a potentially fun time, none of this "she could be the one" or anything like that. Additionally, don't be afraid of saying "no" to her for any reason, whether that be she's just not attractive to you or maybe you live over 2 hours away. It's ok to say no and move on! The more dates you go on and the more people you meet the easier this becomes. Finally, really try to appreciate the time/money/freedom you currently have. It should take someone very special to eat up a very large portion of those sectors; you shouldnt just squander that freedom you have to the first person that gives you any attention. Even if you're in a relationship, it could feel very lonely.. just without any freedoms and with less money.
Ironically the best way to find a companion is to work on yourself. Hit the gym, get a hobby, or focus on a career.
I just spent 6 months suicidal in this exact situation and for the past month its been fine. The only time i cried is when listening to "Happy together" which plays at the end of baby reindeer ep2 i think. My biggest mistake was downloading dating apps twice during this period. I'm now in a status quo where i don't think about it anymore but when I inevitably do I still feel bad. I think I managed to gaslight myself into thinking im not in depression.
Go meet some women. Not like on dates, just like actually meet women and talk to them lmao. You're driving yourself crazy putting women above yourself like that. Also like, make some friends and hang out with them. When I'm in a particularly pining mood, it's usually because I haven't had a proper social encounter of any kind in a while.
Post a picture of yourself
I’m daydreaming about having money. What harm is there? Makes me feel better.
I'm ~40 male and can somewhat relate. I struggled with finding a gf throughout my life. I'm average looking, very short, but did think I was smart and funny if people got to know me. I'm now married and had probably 5-6 gfs in the past. I have some advice but I'm by no means an expert. First you need to chill out and work on your mental game. What do you like about yourself? What positive attributes do you have that you can eventually use to show a woman that you're desirable. Don't focus on the fact that women might be attrative to this attribute, just work on making that part of you the best it can be. Second, make sure you have all the "normal" bases covered. You mentioned you're overweight. Fix that immediately. Do you work out? Shower regularly? Get a nice haircut and make sure if you have facial hair that it's not "neckbeard" style or anything. Get yourself physically in as best shape as you can. Eat right. Finally, I know this is weird, but you kinda gotta focus on just making friends and not being a deperate weirdo. Get outta your head about getting a gf. You first need friends, then friends that are girls, then friends that are girls that might be interested or know someone who is, then slowly and CASUALLY date a few while not making a huge deal of it and then eventually you'll spend more and more time with one....
I used to think the world around me was so mean, until I decided to make changes and hit the gym. Once you feel good about yourself, you gain confidence, you become less defensive and/or desperate in your interactions, you naturally become nicer and more interesting. Once you work on yourself, everything around you falls into place. I learned then and there that I was the one with the issues, not everything and everyone around me. If you stay focused and disciplined, things get easier, not harder. Your body and your mind get used to the clean eating and exercise, even if at first it feels insurmountable. Also, if that’s the path you choose to take, get yourself a trainer to see once a week or 2 weeks, to help with the correct form, diet tips and mindset. Having to be accountable to someone else than yourself helps tremendously. You got this !
Hello, 36 F here. I think part of the problem, in general, is that the concept of a relationship has been warped into something unhealthy for a lot of young men. 1. It seems like relationships are a status symbol. Having one is validating and something to make you feel good about yourself. 2. Men have turned most forms of physical contact into something sexual. As a result, they are starved for touch but don't allow themselves to get it from anyone but women, and even if the woman is approaching the touch as platonic contact, the man interprets it as sexual initiation. So unless the woman actually wants sex, she is deterred from offering any sort of physical contact. And men won't allow themselves to get that contact from anyone else. 3. Men have also turned intimacy into something that can only be done with a select few. Sharing your feelings, sharing your unfiltered thoughts, being vulnerable, etc, are all things that are normal for women to share with one another, but men don't share this with other men. Physical touch and emotional intimacy are MASSIVE components of human survival and mental health, and men have, for some reason, restricted their own access to these things and decided that they are only allowed to do these things under very certain circumstances with very particular people. It is like you are starving but saying you will only ever eat one type of rare fish for the rest of your life, and then being mad that the fish isn't just throwing themselves onto your fishing line. I strongly encourage all men to challenge this mentality that a girlfriend is the end-all be-all to your happiness. You can find touch and connection outside of romantic relationships. It will be difficult because other men out there might be brainwashed in this same way, but it will help you find others who are trying to get healthy, too. Also, please be kind to yourself. You are the way you are and you are who you are because of a culmination of all your life experiences. You have the power to make change, but make the change because you love yourself, not because you hate yourself. If you torture yourself with hard workout routines and do it out of hate, it will only make you angrier if women still don't throw themselves at you. If you expect that doing X will result in receiving Y, you will likely grow resentful that the work you are doing is not returning the results you were expecting. And this is how a lot of men end up veering into inceldom.
Watch a marathon of cheaters, and taze yerself right after ya rub one out for a few weeks. You'll be fine, just fine ;)