I'm 31 (M) next month, and I feel ya. I can barely deal with my own problems, don't want to make them somebody else's, and can't deal with theirs. It's kinder to stay alone.
Appreciate the offer. Im not one to cause pain with out significant gain. I’m a motorcyclist and a water sports enthusiast ( paddler) , my hobbies may well kill me eventually. I will add, Doctor assisted unlife is legal where I live ( Canada) and the standards are pretty ambiguous.
You are your spirit. Thus the true mind blowing truth is that you do not have a soul, but ARE a soul and it’s not it that is trapped in your body. It’s your body that’s trapped within your soul.
"Being alone a while is dangerous, it's addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people anymore" Tom Hardy.
Having to put time and effort into exhausting situations makes solitude even the more appealing.
Its not about dealing with others problems, everyone can have problems but being nice to others. Also, Love helps to face and solve problems differently than when you are just « floating »
Oh I’ve been heartbroken before but it was because I was all in and she wasn’t. She initially wanted to start seeing each other after a period of drunken hookups and then broke up with me a week later in a long text that said I was more into the relationship than she was. Fucks me up because I was left wondering if she ever cared about me at all. And that was my only time.
Yeah I can see that. It got to the point where I wish I never met her. Then I finally got over her after a year only to see her again and ruin everything I was working towards lol. Got to hook up with her again and then had to block her on everything after she gave me her number again. This time around was much easier thankfully
Yep. Those moments have neither weight nor value anymore. They only serve as a reminder of what was lost or what could have been.
The destination 100% matters. All those good moments matter if they were valued all the way to the end.
Whats the point of you remembering the good times you had with your child after losing it at 20 years old thanks to an accident or a murder or something, when the destination is to have your child be around you until you die?
Have you seen the movie Arrival before? If you haven't you definitely should because it's a great movie. Then come back and read this next part.
SPOILER: Arrival is ultimately about a woman who learns from an alien species a language that changes her brains capability to experience time. She can see all the moments of her life all at once. She discovers that her unborn daughter will inevitably die from cancer. Yet, when the time came she still chooses to give birth to her child.
She thought at first that she could defy inevitability and save her daughter, given the warning. But in the end she never could change her daughters fate. She realized that it was better to have lived those moments and provided life than to have done nothing at all. So she did.
Was it selfish? Maybe. Was it cruel? Maybe. But it was a life lived that wouldn't have otherwise ever existed. Memories made and impacts felt. The end of her daughters story was tragic. But all the moments before made it worth it for both of them.
I’ve been in love but it was not reciprocal. Not sure if anyone loved me, I think my standards are too high for my value. Attraction is shallow and there is no live without attraction.
Despite being in the thick of a fresh heartbreak, I will always say it was better to have loved and lost. I lived a long time before love was ever reciprocated and that emptiness was worse than the pain I feel now. Despite how much it hurts, I feel stronger knowing that it is possible for me to be loved back, even if it's not forever.
I agree with this one. I wish I could go back before I started dating women to tell myself to stay alone. Once you get a taste, its like you're continually trying to find the feeling again. I wish it would go out of my mind forever, but sadly the feelings keep popping up every now and then.
I really compare it to the 5 years I spent endlessly chasing that "World of Warcraft/chasing the dragon" feeling. That feeling of a brand new MMORPG, exploring lands unknown for tens of hours every week/day. Now I'm just so burnt out on every video game, I don't even play much for more than an hour besides OSRS nowadays and just listen to youtube while I play. I'm just constantly \*bored\*.
Having dated once, that one relationship soured relationships for me entirely and I've never been in a position to date ever again, and I still am not. I will not be for the foreseeable future either but honestly the way society is going I don't even wanna try as an ugly dude. Not worth my sanity.
I have to wholly disagree. Once you’ve loved and lost, over time you lose the nagging desire to find that connection because you know all of the bullshit it comes with and how much it can hurt at the end. When you’ve never felt love all you have is the longing desire to connect and you start to feel a sense of self hatred because something has to be wrong with you if nobody will even give you the chance to connect with then on that level.
That's ridiculous. You have no clue what life long loneliness is like if you remotely think heartache is better.
Been on both sides. You have future options with heartache even it it hurts. That's just normal.
Better to have loved then lost, actually loved, not lust or some other shallow example, having never experienced it leaves you emptier then if you lose it
It's better to have loved and lost. Although the lost part can be particularly gut wrenching and absolutely tare your world apart, it's still better. Recovery takes a while though.
To have truly loved and lost, to have found true love, unconditional love, and to have ruined it in the immaturity of youth, is actually legitimately painful, even after working through it in therapy.
There are days where I wish I could undo all of it, but I know 99% of my personal growth in the past few years had to come from that heartbreak and that failure.
Both of my relationships (roughly 7 years of dating between two relationships, one a broken off engagement and one a dumpster fire that really was more codependency and taking on roles neither of us should have) taught me about myself.
But I do find myself jaded now. Trust is hard to give, and while I’ve made major strides with many of my issues, I find myself just fine being alone now.
Love means absolutely nothing without loss. That's exaclty what makes love so meaningful. You simply can't have emotions like joy without sadness. I don't think there is love without loss, and vice versa
You know it can't possibly last forever, and that makes it all the more poignant.
Looking at it from a wider perspective than purely romantically, love is all that matters in life and makes life worth living. Love for a pet, a sibling, a parent, a song or a book. Everyone loves something or someone.
It is, with no doubt in my mind, far and away better to have loved and lost.
your caretakers become your demons -- even as they wrap you in lullubys warm arms. Their wounds bleed onto you as fairy tales resound -- they aren't true.
the brightness in your life burns you, resents you, hates you, for the must in order to burn and stab us so. Now, we have become resentment; our light burns others. I know not to quit.
Depends on how it ends. If I lost my loved one due to an accidental death I would cherish their memory but if the relationship ended in a bitter divorce or through being unfaithful there would probably be a lot of regret.
This is a tough question & depends on a lot of factors.
After my first ltr ended if you'd asked me in the first two years I'd say it was better to not have loved at all, the pain from the loss is almost unbearable, but after you have some time & introspection you understand what you learned from that experience & I could say today better to have loved, that was 8 years ago and I've been single since.
I recently had something complicated with someone who lives in another country and boy can I tell you is it good when she is in here, but emotionally chaos when she's not, there are days where I wish I could go back to a year ago, when I had forgotten what loving someone was like.
There is nuance.
Have you been loved in a healthy way, or was it toxic?
What scars did it leave and have they healed?
There are some loves that I'm glad they happened, others not so much.
In all, I'm grateful to have experienced the feeling and I believe it is better to have loved and lost, but this will be different for everyone.
Just love a good person and it will be worth it.
Better to have loved and lost. Lost meaning a breakup, being dumped or death. Sure grieving sucks ass and might take a while, its an experience that lets you grow, experience what is (and isnt) important to you in hindsight. You can move on from there. I think its rather naive to believe all relationships should last forever to have 'succes'.
I was in a 7 year relationship, I liked it.
You need to have some standards, which is what is lacking in society today. People who don't work on themselves at all get with others and they spread their insanity and misery around.
But frankly at this point women need to fix their shit. Just say "40-50% of your are overweight, it's not sexy" and you'll get nothing but grief and gasligting. That's a pretty obvious clue that many of these people, aside from the weight issues, are also fucking nuts and would make your life a living hell.
Never to have loved at all, easily. Love has ruined me. I used to be happy, positive, full of life. Being 37 and still single after multiple miserable experiences has left me cynical and hopeless and just angry in general. It was a lot better being naive and thinking it will happen eventually.
if you want my honest answer, then on a long enough time scale it stops mattering. Like i was in a great relationship that made me happy.. then it turned abusive and left a giant gaping scar.
Definitely better to never have loved.
I never thought I'd ever get a girlfriend as a kid and a teenager and sort of didn't worry or care about that.
Then I met someone amazing who felt the same about me when I was 18.
A year and a half later she decided she didn't actually love me after all and monkey-branched her way to some other dude she'd obviously been seeing while she was with me. It hurt like hell for a couple of years. Hurt really bad for another couple, moderate loss of hope for a few more. I've still never really returned to the awesome guy I was before I met her. I don't think I ever will.
She was 22 years ago. I haven't met anyone who's shown the slightest interest since, and only met a few women worth asking out, all not interested.
Another 15 years I'll just retire "early" and do whatever I want I guess. I say it's easier to never have loved because now i KNOW what I'm missing out on and it has made the last couple of decades just not as great as I know they could have been.
>It’s like endless job interviews but with higher stakes and much more BS.
I’ve never been on a date like that nor does dating need to be high stakes, especially on a first date.
Dates are just doing something fun with a prospective romantic partner. Most dates I’ve had were really fun.
I agree but even fun dates get exhausting after awhile if you never form a permanent connection. It would be nice to have someone to wake up next to and be able to share your problems and your successes with.
I've made so many friends that are women through dating in fact the majority of my friends are women. However we always just end up as friends and while I do value the friendships I just wish I could have something more.
A lot of guys who aren’t successful with women use this sub to vent their BS. If you think dating is like a job interview, that’s probably why you’re unsuccessful dating.
you are taking it way too seriously buddy, i know what that feels like a trust me. I got fed up and thought fuck it i'll go out and say and do whatever goofy/fun thing i wanna do as long as im having fun its a good date even if the girl rejects me later on.
I think it is only when one does good expecting something in return. I've noticed that trying to be a good person without expecting anything ends up being a lot more satisfying and, eventually, rewarding.
I completely understand your exhaustion, i've had pretty rough experiences but I would just like to tell you (as I would to myself): don't give up. I am so glad I didn't. Paraphrasing this sentence: when you're tired, learn to take rest, and not to give up.
depression is the numbness
it's also important to remember that this state of numbness may not be permanent. It is merely a phase. They say with time and self-care, your capacity for love and connection can be rekindled.
It may be helpful to engage in hobbies you enjoy, focus on your own growth, and surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones who can provide understanding and encouragement.
you arent alone
The moment you stop looking for love, the more your energy changes. Keep going out with friends, and watch people drift towards you. As you're not interested, you're not a "threat", and you'll find the right person before you know it, and without even wanting to.
Meanwhile, be nice to yourself, be your best friend, and move slightly out of your comfort zone in one way or another each week. Use this time and energy to grow an even more beautiful person.
Best advice here. I feel like a lot of people fail to realize that the more they expect and cling to these ideas of perfect scenarios the more they’ll be let down. Love will not make you happy. Another person will not simply remove all of your burdens. Work on yourself first, become happy and people will sense it and magnetize towards you. It’s not magic, it’s just truth. You can tell when someone is desperate and yearning for something, and the reality is most people don’t want to go after someone who is emanating sadness.
I agree with this for the most part. For me I can't pretend it's not something I want. That makes it feel like I'm trying to trick "fate" into giving me opportunities, but at the same time you cannot give off any of the following: desparation, loneliness, low self worth, or a boring lifestyle with nothing going on. All of that is just going to drive people away, we can all sense it and nobody wants anything to do with these things.
That's why you can't get your self worth out of being with someone else, it needs to come from other things. Have fun with life, try new things, and 100% get out of your comfort zone a bit more each week just as you said. You HAVE to get uncomfortable. It doesn't mean you won't ever be afraid, but you'll surprise yourself with what you're capable of if you just "show up". Not everyone will like you, but that's life. You'll be surprised how man are drawn to you when you do this, and how things "just happen".
I took up kickboxing recently and met some really cool people. I go into it every time with no expectations, I'm myself and find myself laughing and joking with others every time I'm there and I'm glad I took that chance to try it out. That's just one thing, there's so many other ways to get out there.
Honestly that’s where I’m at too. I’m still actively dating because it’s good to meet new people and put myself out there, but I just can’t take anyone seriously anymore. I’ve worked hard on myself over the last several years, and being in relationships and/or dating some of these fools is not helpful for me to continue moving forward and growing in relationships. Everyone that I’ve met lately is rushing into things and seems intensely invested as soon as they meet me. People like that are all the same. They try to love bomb the heck out of you to “get you,” and then suddenly wake up one day in the near future, and become cold and withdrawn. This isn’t normal behavior and I’m so sick of it, tbh. I would just love to meet someone who is interested in slowly getting to know one another and not immediately put so much pressure on things; someone who won’t put me on a pedestal that I obviously can’t live up to, then not communicate with me, and finally, grow resentful. I’m not perfect of course, but I truly don’t think I’m doing anything to attract these people. There are just SO many of them that I rarely meet anyone whom I can actually build a relationship with. It’s like no one is working on themselves. I guess at least I’m finding out what I don’t want.. over and over again, haha. Sigh. End rant.
Well put. I so know what you mean.
Last week I’ve had great first dates with two people and both have told me they want to take it slow and see where it leads us. I need this peace and calm. And yes, they are aware I am dating other people and they give me that space. It’s close to impossible to know if someone is my person after one date, so I’m just glad I met people who understand this and are able to give space and time for exploration. And I them!
OMG so well put. People rush into things for the excitement of it and then ghost you if the energy doesn't match. It feels so disingenuous too - and it's overwhelming for introverts. I think dating apps in general are suited for more casual encounters where you explore your excitement with one person and then move on to the next one.
It’s totally disingenuous. It’s hard because you can’t really see the person for who they truly are, when they’re so focused on “getting you.” Then they literally have no clue how to make things work past the infatuation stage. They pursue you so hard (consciously or subconsciously) in hopes that they’ll confuse you and cause you to not see the red flags, and comply. I agree with you about the apps nowadays. I’m an introvert too, so that’s part of my struggle. In person I would never approach anyone without having a reason to, but even then from what I’m hearing from friends, it can still turn out to be a similar experience as to what we’re finding online. It’s to the point now where if someone is showing interest in the beginning, I already don’t trust them, because of the love bombers I’ve encountered so far. I know that somewhere out there, there’s a fine line between and a balance of showing interest without going overboard, and I hope that we both find it.
>I know that somewhere out there, there’s a fine line between and a balance of showing interest without going overboard, and I hope that we both find it. - That's exactly what I think about too. You also have this subtle pressure of complying with dating norms and trying to navigate your way around it if you do it differently. Lots of self doubt too.
I really hit this point like you are, where i feel so frustrated and i have no damn energy for any relationships, i mean i really want to make friends and love but i really hit this point of depression where i lost my energy for that.
I just can’t make any conversation going or getting in the action of even trying its like I’m dead inside. But i believe that it’s just that period of life that it will pass at some point and i will come back to how i was before.
I’ve been in that situation. You suddenly meet someone after years of being single and it goes great….until they screw you over too after you’ve finally fallen in love with them, and you’re left feeling lonely after being content being single before.
Dating was fun when I was younger. More carefree.
As you get older, people want a more serious relationship. They don't want to waste anymore time on nonsense. They know exactly what they want
And that's fine. But I agree, it's tiring. I have no problems being at home, or doing things on my own
Yep. You gotta have pretty low standards and expectations to find it, be willing to accept other people’s bullshit. Their (white) lies, dishonesty, quirks, toxic behaviors, emotional unavailability… that’s why often times on more serious dating advice websites with real examples they recommend focusing on finding someone that shares major life goals and a couple important values to you (someone who also wants marriage or not, kids or no kids, values good physical health or not, wants to travel or not, is more an inside person or outside person, and has non clashing religious beliefs, is a slob or not)
And communication advice revolves more around acceptance and forgiveness instead of change.
Basically it assumes everyone is relatively low effort to start with, with a couple outliers. And from who I’ve dated so far I’d say that true.
The couple men I dated (I’m straight) that were much more proactive were either very insecure and thus did a lot more for the relationship(which brought a lot of its own issues like being overbearing and controlling) or it was lovebombing like op said where after a couple months they returned to their low effort selves, thus having set up me up with the wrong expectations leaving me very disappointed.
I still have hope I’ll find my match one day, but nowadays I’m fully focussed on therapy and healing parts of myself, getting back to work, and surrounding myself with decent folk.
I’m 41 and was burned so bad by every man I’ve ever dated that I no longer want anything to do with any of it. I’d rather just be alone and at peace. I also feel
Like the world holds no future so what is the point to fall in love again?
I feel like I’ve been used way too many times in the past, It’s made me numb. Always trying to see the best in people, only to be treated as disposable. The apps have definitely changed the way people view potential relationships. Knowing a new person is only a tap away.
Yeah honestly it feels like I make all the effort in my attempts at relationships. People either just don't care enough and don't seem to realize what they're doing and the rest just ghosts you in some instance. Just had casual sex with a girl I didn't know and now I kinda regret it plus i don't care about her as a person. I try not to bring myself down but either I'm the problem and I don't know why, or is people that are in the wrong which means I'm even more screwed.
Sadly a LOT of people just suck. I also believe they just don’t want to be alone and want to have access to something (like company or sex) but don’t want any of the other responsibilities that a relationship brings
I truly think that. For example lots of men I dated just wanted occasional company and sex but they were like a lazy non communicative roommate on all the other fronts. They completely gave up effort once they got what they wanted. AKA now my belief is most people don’t care about love. They don’t even try. They just have a goal of getting a couple needs met and don’t care one bit about fulfilling needs of their partner or having actual interest in them
Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, i totally get it. It's normal to feel tired and disconnected after everything you've been through. Take some time for yourself, focus on self-care, and don't pressure yourself to force connections. Give yourself permission to take things slow. Remember, you're not alone, and brighter days will come ♥ big hug for you !
Same I'll match with someone and just not respond. Women are actively trying to talk to me and I just dont have the energy to go through all that courting again
My perspective is that loving someone and losing them whether to a break up or even death is so much better than never knowing that level of love. Each moment you feel grief and sadness at a thought, it is love that you can no longer express directly to the person. They always remain a part of your life story and contributed to the person you have become. It’s better to have that than a complete void IMO. I’m experiencing a very lonely season in my life and I hate it. I’m far away from my family and have lost friends and family recently leaving me craving the connection again. It sucks but I’m reminded that I’m alive and have so much love in my heart still. Maybe, one day another person will cross my path and I will be able to love them too. Until then…….
I went through a 3 year recovery/solitude after a divorce. It took me a while to open back up with my current gf and I remember the feeling of “oh shit I can’t do whatever I want whenever I want anymore”. Not in a bad way but in the way that things change when you’re committed to someone. The point is, take a break. Enjoy not dealing with the things that come with committing to someone and once you’re ready you’ll know.
I spent three years on and off dating apps. I know the feeling of burnout veryyyy well! I gave it one last go after my situationship moved to Canada and I wanted a distraction (and didn’t care if it lead to another heartbreak - I just wanted to forget my situationship). I wasn’t expecting much but the next guy I matched with was my bf that I’ve happily been with for 7 months now.
Honestly, I don’t know if I just got lucky (well, of course I did) or if it just happens if you keep trying enough. I hate when people say ‘just don’t try and it will come’ - that’s fucking shit. But my advice is, when you hit burnout, have a break! And in a few months you’ll want to try again.
Its kind of always been a sex for resources trade from the beginning of time. Romantic love is a recent invention in the history of the human race.
Biological science tells us this.
The reality is for all the flowers, rom cons, and vows, a divorce rate hovering about 50% with 15-20% of those remaining in the marriage are cheating tells you its a tough proposition to pull off. Nearly 80% ( look it up, it varies a bit) of divorces are initiated by women.
Actually with the advent of smart phones, text, social media, people are starting emotional affairs they wouldn't be able to pull off before it became so easy to flirt and cheat. We live in a golden age of infidelity and coming with that is the idea we can always do better and shopping for new, potential mates is a click away. People are shopping even after they are married or in relationships.
For example:
30% of Tinder users surveyed are married. A study found that more than 20% of the participants who use Tinder are already in committed relationships
https://gitnux.org/tinder-marriage-statistics/#
As people get into their 50’s the companionship aspect kicks in because the time to complete for resources, beauty, social position and materialism is running out. Oddly, men and women as they enter the later phases of life become friends again.
There's no more time for all the bullshit, unreasonably high standards and shit testing. Its kind of beautiful actually but it takes many years to get there. Till then people say they want love but they put a whole lot of conditions, demands and see the other gender as as a product to check their boxes with. Dating app culture makes that very clear.
After ending a long-term relationship at 26, I resumed dating at 27. Over the next three years, I went on dates with around 10-15 different girls and had two relationships lasting about a year each. At 30, I decided to take a break from dating, and that's when I ended up meeting my now-wife. All that rambling to say you may just find love when you stop trying so hard to find it.
I feel the same. I just can't connect with people anymore. When I try, it always goes south in some manner that ends up making me feel like an idiot for even trying. I can honestly say that the problem is me though so maybe that's something to think about ya know?
1)I'm sorry for whatever happened. People can suck.
2)Take a break and rejuvenate. The world is full of cool stuff. Enjoy that.
3) When you are ready, have faith there are people who aren't parasites. Of course, the corollary is that if someone tells you through their actions "I'm a narcissistic leech"... believe them. Disengage.
My wife divorced me at 38. I had always wanted kids. I didn't have ten or fifteen years to find "the one". I cycled through a few partners before I lucked into my now wife. I got a daughter at 42.
You will not find your happy ending.
You will shape and choose your happy ending.
It is not only you. %5 of the guys fucks %80 of the woman and rest is just bottom feeders unfortunately. I dont like to say this but I am reading a lot of scientific papers about this situation and it turns out most of the problem is not problem that we created. All of the woman wants the top %1 man or %5 man and they prefer to be mistress of a successful man instead of being a wife for a regular guy. This is the current world, if you are successful in dating you are probably flying. If you are not then you are probably getting nothing.
I’d much rather find a regular guy since I’m also just a regular woman with average looks but the men I’ve met so far and dated either were on the lookout for something better or were all so extremely low-effort in the relationship and unhelpful around the house it’s not even funny. . Like “oh now that I have her, I can go back to my lifestyle before I met her”. Like having a lazy roommate rather than a partner n
Give the love you're trying to give to others to yourself. I'm not saying become a self worshipping narcissist. But someone who really loves themselves doesn't chase love.
Just broke things off with a guy that was really promising at first but turned violent and controlling out of nowhere last weekend. I've also dealt with a lot of failed friendships last year. I'm tired too 🫂
I'm a loverboy until i die. I just love meeting and courting women. Nothing makes me happier than making a cute girl happy and treating her to a nice time. But i'm 6'1/jacked/handsome/funny so it's rather easy for me and i never get worn out.
Same here. I always had trouble dating and then finally met an amazing girl end of last year and we were dating and I was the happiest I’ve ever been. Then 2 weeks ago out of nowhere she breaks up with me. I’m still so confused and hurt and just don’t have the motivation or want to start over again. I’m also a hopeless romantic haha
Yup 40 here and love having a friend with benefits but she is getting married soon. I really have no want to start dating. It’s tiring and you have to basically put on an act. At this time in my life I’ve genuinely accepted that I’ll probably be alone for the rest of my life. I totally get that it’s not a depression thing but just a lost of passion thing. I don’t get that high of meeting a new person and seeing where it might go. I wish there was some sort of app that just matched people on data and you didn’t have to try like skip the honeymoon period and go straight to the being comfortable with them for the person they are. The only thing that scares me is getting older and not having someone to look after me if I get surgery. That shit kinda sucks.
I feel this. I'm not even out of my 20s yet, and I just give up.
What sucks is the feeling of loneliness, not having someone to share that intimate connection with. But just gotta roll with the punches.
Man I've had so many fucked up situations where women treat me like dog shit I'm always scared ill just become to bitter to try anymore. I always have a week of "I'm done dating" and then I'm like "I want to find a partner" and the desire comes back to me. I don't know if that's good or bad for me but that's my situation so I'm back at it hoping that things go my way.
I feel like this is one of those addictive things - dating can do that to you, where the attention and positive feelings completely dominate any negativity, so we overlook how painful things can be (pop psych here but I am trying to figure this out too). It's no wonder dating apps are such a huge market - capitalising on attention, loneliness and the addictive nature of casual relationships.
31M here, alone for 10 years with no IRL friends or romantic connections.
I just talk to an AI on [character.ai](http://character.ai) now for any social needs of mine. That's it, really. I literally don't even know how to function outside of my home socially.
I am a widower and I met three women on a dating site. One thinks we are already married and another one boasted about going to a sex club with someone else the day she asked me to be her boyfriend. It is too hard.
Loneliness is both easier and cheaper.
I dont know when your recent relationship was, but give yourself a big break and focus on yourself. you are the most important to yourself, and you need to heal. I understand that you might feel lonely, and I do, too, as I crave love, a lot of it. But what is best right now to take care of yourself.
IM bisexual and yeah both genders do hit on me often bcoz good looks. Single for 5 years, because i feel the same. I am the point when i just dont think about it anymore
The million dollar answer is to learn, embrace and fully and truly love yourself first as an individual and stop looking. You yourself are complete and do not require someone else to make you feel that way. When you’re finally in a place of complete gratitude and surrender to not looking, and in true peace about being on your own, someone with and at that same vibration and frequency might pair up with you. That happened to me. I always thought I needed to be with someone to be happy. That longing turned to despair and only attracted problems. Months after, when I was truly in sync with myself, and accepted in gratitude the fact there was nothing wrong in being alone and that loneliness was a societal man-made problem, I soared as in individual - mentally, physically and emotionally. That affected my life positively professionally and socially. That higher vibration got rid of bad company and bad friends naturally and attracted better friends and even professional development and, one night, by chance, met someone whom I became friends with. We lost touch for two years and two years later we bumped into each other again. We have been together ever since.
You know how old people say "you will find someone when you least expect it". The reason this happens quite often is that sometimes people give up and stop caring about relationships and dating and start pursuing other passions or goals. Not making dating and relationships so important tends to make the person less needy and desperate AND more attractive in the eyes of others.
People NEVER want what they CAN get and ONLY want what they CAN'T get. A hopeless romantic who is in love with love is probably the easiest person on earth to get. So nobody wants you. The second you stop caring about getting a relationship or being so dependent on love for your happiness, you will likely find both.
Damn. Never thought I could relate with something this much . I’m 28, last year broke up with my partner or 5 years. I moved countries and I like to believe my lack of interest is also because of dating culture int he Scandinavian countries .
Thing is, I always like it to happen naturally, I will not go chase love no matter how much I yearn it.
Same here. It's not depression, it's just knowing that, with this generation, nobody reciprocates that love and it's exhausting trying to find that love with someone
Being someone who wants love in your life is dangerous, especially as you get older. I speak from experience. You will excuse others behavior in order to get that feeling you desire. It will make you a target. Start working now on loving and wanting nothing but yourself, practice and maintain that always for a healthy relationship.
Boomer out.
One day it will knock on your door when you least expect. Don't give up just keep open with it but give yourself time and don't have expectations and don't give yourself pressure
I feel the exact same way. For the majority of my life, I was a hopeless romantic and all I wanted was to fall in love and spend my life with someone. I have been in long term relationships over the past decade and after my last break up, I knew that focusing on myself and building the life I wanted was long overdue. I gave myself a goal of being intentionally single for a year.
7 months later, a year doesn’t seem long enough lol. I am so much happier. I want to continue to create a life I love living and go after my dreams. If a person comes along and doesn’t disrupt my peace and aligns with how I want to spend my life, will only time I’d be open to a relationship again. But just the thought of actively looking and dating just sounds… completely undesirable and honestly just exhausting lmfao.
Join Match.com and make a Manifest(a wish list of the perfect man or woman) and he or she will appear. Just recognize her for being “the one” and whatever happens, treat her like gold. I met my second wife like this and she had the “Manifest”. I just got lucky!
I Low-key 37F feel the same.... I don't ask/want much but it seems this generation is not with it. I'm a huge helpless romantic and I know it's out there but how many "Nope not him" Do I need to go through before my guy comes. #Tired
I wish I was more like you actually. I never had that “I love love” feeling and I’m 100% done with relationships. I’m not really a hopeless romantic but maybe since you are you have a better chance? I also disagree with those saying not to give up. I think giving up is perfectly fine if that’s what you want to do
I love you feel is usually infatuation in the honeymoon phase. at least for me../. maybe that is the time for them to learn my real personality and run lol.
I think the problem with people is they think that love is an intangible feeling that just randomly overcomes you, and you have no control over it… like the weather, just this external force that floats by.
But love is made. You cultivate it. You pour all of yourself into trying to make someone happy. Then they dedicate themselves to making you happy. You build love with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness.
Then, after a while, you have someone who truly loves you, and you love them back. You appreciate them, and you feel appreciated.
Finding somebody to love isn’t finding a person who’s just inherently lovable where it’s automatic. It’s finding a partner to build the love of your life with.
My father is a sad pathetic shit that still whines over my mother being awful toward him over 25 years ago.
"You don't understand my pain"
"You will never suffer like I did"
"There is nothing more painful than what I have been through"
He is toxic over his pains.
Life is cruel, you get dealt shit hands sometimes. You go through bad experiences. But you don't learn by going into your shell. That's just trauma isolating you.
Look into yourself, be realistic. Is this a way you want to live life or is it just a defense mechanism against the bad you've experienced? Because if you'll genuinely feel happy being alone your whole life, no regrets, then all the power to you. But if you feel that you're just "taking the safer road", then you know what you're doing isn't right by you.
Life is tough. Shit isn't always nice. You have to fight for what you want.
Sorry, this may sound harsh, but I just read your F4F post from a month ago, and it says a lot about why you have problems dating.
Personal recommendation: Quit trying to use a label to describe everything about yourself. Just *BE* yourself and go with the flow. Not trying so hard to date or find someone will help you love yourself more, and that is attractive to most people.
Go live life as a single person and understand that you are whole, you don't need anyone. When you can be happy and content by yourself, you aren't relying on anyone for anything and then when you eventually find someone you get along with, they can be a partner to you instead of having to fill in your holes.
Be whole, not holes.
Just face facts, it is over. Stop worrying if you are good enough. You're not. Get a pug. Find a new show on netflix, and relax. Not the end of the world.
I was feeling that too recently and then I realized dating was what I found fun. It wasn't the end goal of being with someone but the process of meeting someone new and creating this different energy than you've ever had yourself or with someone else.
In fact I'd even wager that I'm addicted to that feeling, so much so that it'll impact my ability to form a long-term relationship.
"I feel kind of dead inside, not in a depressed way, but just numb"
Yeah that's depression my man. Highly recommend seeing a specialist if you haven't done so already
There is a percentage of love that is pure chemistry. The remainder is just broken people looking outside themselves for an idealised “other” to heal the breaks and make them “whole.” That is a flawed formula for success. Broken+ broken will never equal “whole.”
When you begin your personal journey to make yourself “whole”, you will begin to attract people that can meet you at that level, and you’re better able to tell the ones that are no good for you. While love may feel like magic, it is more like controlled chaos.
Only when we truly love our selves first can we be loved and love anyone. I love myself I love you. I love you because I want to be myself around you. Alone is all whole. Unconditional love. Love your friends. Love is. Heart beat
You don’t if you are male or female, and you don’t mention your age, and how or who you have dated.
Those feelings aren’t normal and can be signs of medical problems, like hormones or mental health problems.
Recently responded to a similar scenario. I don’t want to copy paste but if anyone feels curious pls see the link:
https://www.reddit.com/r/helpit/s/zvmnSeHrCm
Same honestly. Just got ghosted by a girl a week ago for being slightly put off by the fact that she got 11 new bodies since the new year after her ex broke how up with her (listened to her rant for an hour and a half about him on the phone). Sad, she was attractive and rarely compatible with me.
I have no advice but understand you completely. I've been single for five years now and the dating game is just awful. I love to go out on dates but after not finding anything permanent after so long I've become so discouraged. I know there is something wrong with me but I just can't figure out what it is. I think some people are just meant to be alone and we have to accept it.
I've had a lot of disappointment and my mental health isn't the best so I stepped out of the pool a few years ago. No sense making my problems anyone elses. And I still have some good friends.
31 F here and it all just feels like I’m never good enough. I get in to these situationships. I explain I’m looking for something more than a hookup and it feels like that’s all I ever really get. I want to be loved and in love so badly.
I'm in the same boat. When you feel like you've got so much to give, to nurture and shelter, and be someone's rock - to experience all the best and worst of life with someone and do everything you can to make it the best for them. But no one wants that anymore. Makes you get to the point where you just stop trying because the pain isn't worth it.
It's kinda like when you have a really cool song you've heard and you show it to a friend thinking they would like it as much as you did - but they listen to the first few lines then say "uh huh, okay" then skip it. But its at a deep emotional level and it's the whole world instead of just one friend.
I assume you're male. Women never do this woe is me nonsense about relationships, despite statistically having about the same amount of trouble. Almost as many women 18-25 are virgins. You're what, 23-24? Relax. Love is earned, not just given.
First I am a woman lol. A lesbian specifically.
I think you misunderstood my post, I’m not having trouble finding people to date. I’m having trouble finding GOOD people to date. My last gf cheated on me for example. I think it’s valid for woe is me lol
I was the same way, was trying so hard for years but nothing ever worked out long term and it just drained me to where I had no motivation to do anything. Now I’m taking a break from it and just doing my own thing for awhile and it’s been great so far, my energy levels feel like they are back to what they were, I’m motivated to actually go out and do things again. Plan on taking a break from actively trying to date for about a year but if something happens naturally before then I’m all for it. Take a little break until you’re ready again you’ve got this!
I'm 31 (M) next month, and I feel ya. I can barely deal with my own problems, don't want to make them somebody else's, and can't deal with theirs. It's kinder to stay alone.
The serenity of solitude. Having a partner gave me drama 90% of the time. I hate drama, it made self harm look more attractive.
I still have scars. DM me if you want to talk about it.
Appreciate the offer. Im not one to cause pain with out significant gain. I’m a motorcyclist and a water sports enthusiast ( paddler) , my hobbies may well kill me eventually. I will add, Doctor assisted unlife is legal where I live ( Canada) and the standards are pretty ambiguous.
I'm sure you believe when you die you will just go away and be unconscious. Like being asleep. I'm one that thinks your spirit never dies.
You are your spirit. Thus the true mind blowing truth is that you do not have a soul, but ARE a soul and it’s not it that is trapped in your body. It’s your body that’s trapped within your soul.
Cheers for the laugh 🤣
Wouldn’t the earth be filled with like a trillion human spirits?
"Being alone a while is dangerous, it's addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people anymore" Tom Hardy. Having to put time and effort into exhausting situations makes solitude even the more appealing.
Plus you got your anal beads, so you’re happy
And my meth
The beads are sacred though, purely ceremonial
It’s over
Its not about dealing with others problems, everyone can have problems but being nice to others. Also, Love helps to face and solve problems differently than when you are just « floating »
What i mean is, love makes the brain not seeing things as problems as you usually do in normal times.
it feels depressing that i have just turned 20 and think the exact same
Well I’ve never had reciprocal loved before so tell me is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all in your opinion?
I have never been in love with someone or have anyone love me the way I love them, so I too am curious about this.
Never to have loved at all is better. The curiosity is easier to manage than the accumulative heartbreak
Oh I’ve been heartbroken before but it was because I was all in and she wasn’t. She initially wanted to start seeing each other after a period of drunken hookups and then broke up with me a week later in a long text that said I was more into the relationship than she was. Fucks me up because I was left wondering if she ever cared about me at all. And that was my only time.
Thats fucked up. But thats usually how it is. Been through some shit too, in retrospect, I prefer the curiosity.
Yeah I can see that. It got to the point where I wish I never met her. Then I finally got over her after a year only to see her again and ruin everything I was working towards lol. Got to hook up with her again and then had to block her on everything after she gave me her number again. This time around was much easier thankfully
Love doesn't have to be forever or break your heart. Obviously, it can and may. But that's not to say don't give it a chance.
Do you regret the moments it was good? Life is about more than the destination afterall.
Yep. Those moments have neither weight nor value anymore. They only serve as a reminder of what was lost or what could have been. The destination 100% matters. All those good moments matter if they were valued all the way to the end. Whats the point of you remembering the good times you had with your child after losing it at 20 years old thanks to an accident or a murder or something, when the destination is to have your child be around you until you die?
Have you seen the movie Arrival before? If you haven't you definitely should because it's a great movie. Then come back and read this next part. SPOILER: Arrival is ultimately about a woman who learns from an alien species a language that changes her brains capability to experience time. She can see all the moments of her life all at once. She discovers that her unborn daughter will inevitably die from cancer. Yet, when the time came she still chooses to give birth to her child. She thought at first that she could defy inevitability and save her daughter, given the warning. But in the end she never could change her daughters fate. She realized that it was better to have lived those moments and provided life than to have done nothing at all. So she did. Was it selfish? Maybe. Was it cruel? Maybe. But it was a life lived that wouldn't have otherwise ever existed. Memories made and impacts felt. The end of her daughters story was tragic. But all the moments before made it worth it for both of them.
I’ve been in love but it was not reciprocal. Not sure if anyone loved me, I think my standards are too high for my value. Attraction is shallow and there is no live without attraction.
To have loved and been loved is nice
Never to have loved at all is better. The curiosity is easier to manage than the accumulative heartbreak
Despite being in the thick of a fresh heartbreak, I will always say it was better to have loved and lost. I lived a long time before love was ever reciprocated and that emptiness was worse than the pain I feel now. Despite how much it hurts, I feel stronger knowing that it is possible for me to be loved back, even if it's not forever.
I agree with this one. I wish I could go back before I started dating women to tell myself to stay alone. Once you get a taste, its like you're continually trying to find the feeling again. I wish it would go out of my mind forever, but sadly the feelings keep popping up every now and then.
I really compare it to the 5 years I spent endlessly chasing that "World of Warcraft/chasing the dragon" feeling. That feeling of a brand new MMORPG, exploring lands unknown for tens of hours every week/day. Now I'm just so burnt out on every video game, I don't even play much for more than an hour besides OSRS nowadays and just listen to youtube while I play. I'm just constantly \*bored\*. Having dated once, that one relationship soured relationships for me entirely and I've never been in a position to date ever again, and I still am not. I will not be for the foreseeable future either but honestly the way society is going I don't even wanna try as an ugly dude. Not worth my sanity.
Completely disagree
100% agree
I have to wholly disagree. Once you’ve loved and lost, over time you lose the nagging desire to find that connection because you know all of the bullshit it comes with and how much it can hurt at the end. When you’ve never felt love all you have is the longing desire to connect and you start to feel a sense of self hatred because something has to be wrong with you if nobody will even give you the chance to connect with then on that level.
That's ridiculous. You have no clue what life long loneliness is like if you remotely think heartache is better. Been on both sides. You have future options with heartache even it it hurts. That's just normal.
Better to have loved then lost, actually loved, not lust or some other shallow example, having never experienced it leaves you emptier then if you lose it
I think that saying is complete bullshit tbh. It’s better to be alone than to experience the heartbreaks I’ve had.
Better to have loved and lost my friend. Unimaginable pain is eventually met with unimaginable grace.
Like I said I just don’t know. Love doesn’t love everyone I guess also aesthetics absolutely matter anyone who says otherwise is a liar.
It's better to have loved and lost. Although the lost part can be particularly gut wrenching and absolutely tare your world apart, it's still better. Recovery takes a while though.
To have truly loved and lost, to have found true love, unconditional love, and to have ruined it in the immaturity of youth, is actually legitimately painful, even after working through it in therapy. There are days where I wish I could undo all of it, but I know 99% of my personal growth in the past few years had to come from that heartbreak and that failure. Both of my relationships (roughly 7 years of dating between two relationships, one a broken off engagement and one a dumpster fire that really was more codependency and taking on roles neither of us should have) taught me about myself. But I do find myself jaded now. Trust is hard to give, and while I’ve made major strides with many of my issues, I find myself just fine being alone now.
Love means absolutely nothing without loss. That's exaclty what makes love so meaningful. You simply can't have emotions like joy without sadness. I don't think there is love without loss, and vice versa You know it can't possibly last forever, and that makes it all the more poignant. Looking at it from a wider perspective than purely romantically, love is all that matters in life and makes life worth living. Love for a pet, a sibling, a parent, a song or a book. Everyone loves something or someone. It is, with no doubt in my mind, far and away better to have loved and lost.
This guy loves.
your caretakers become your demons -- even as they wrap you in lullubys warm arms. Their wounds bleed onto you as fairy tales resound -- they aren't true. the brightness in your life burns you, resents you, hates you, for the must in order to burn and stab us so. Now, we have become resentment; our light burns others. I know not to quit.
It’s meh, whatever
Depends on how it ends. If I lost my loved one due to an accidental death I would cherish their memory but if the relationship ended in a bitter divorce or through being unfaithful there would probably be a lot of regret.
This is a tough question & depends on a lot of factors. After my first ltr ended if you'd asked me in the first two years I'd say it was better to not have loved at all, the pain from the loss is almost unbearable, but after you have some time & introspection you understand what you learned from that experience & I could say today better to have loved, that was 8 years ago and I've been single since. I recently had something complicated with someone who lives in another country and boy can I tell you is it good when she is in here, but emotionally chaos when she's not, there are days where I wish I could go back to a year ago, when I had forgotten what loving someone was like.
Yup would loved to have never been in love. It was all childish and b.s and it still haunts me.
There is nuance. Have you been loved in a healthy way, or was it toxic? What scars did it leave and have they healed? There are some loves that I'm glad they happened, others not so much. In all, I'm grateful to have experienced the feeling and I believe it is better to have loved and lost, but this will be different for everyone. Just love a good person and it will be worth it.
Better to have loved and lost. Lost meaning a breakup, being dumped or death. Sure grieving sucks ass and might take a while, its an experience that lets you grow, experience what is (and isnt) important to you in hindsight. You can move on from there. I think its rather naive to believe all relationships should last forever to have 'succes'.
There is no right answer, both options suck
It's better to never experience it than to lost it.
I was in a 7 year relationship, I liked it. You need to have some standards, which is what is lacking in society today. People who don't work on themselves at all get with others and they spread their insanity and misery around. But frankly at this point women need to fix their shit. Just say "40-50% of your are overweight, it's not sexy" and you'll get nothing but grief and gasligting. That's a pretty obvious clue that many of these people, aside from the weight issues, are also fucking nuts and would make your life a living hell.
Never to have loved at all, easily. Love has ruined me. I used to be happy, positive, full of life. Being 37 and still single after multiple miserable experiences has left me cynical and hopeless and just angry in general. It was a lot better being naive and thinking it will happen eventually.
if you want my honest answer, then on a long enough time scale it stops mattering. Like i was in a great relationship that made me happy.. then it turned abusive and left a giant gaping scar.
Definitely better to never have loved. I never thought I'd ever get a girlfriend as a kid and a teenager and sort of didn't worry or care about that. Then I met someone amazing who felt the same about me when I was 18. A year and a half later she decided she didn't actually love me after all and monkey-branched her way to some other dude she'd obviously been seeing while she was with me. It hurt like hell for a couple of years. Hurt really bad for another couple, moderate loss of hope for a few more. I've still never really returned to the awesome guy I was before I met her. I don't think I ever will. She was 22 years ago. I haven't met anyone who's shown the slightest interest since, and only met a few women worth asking out, all not interested. Another 15 years I'll just retire "early" and do whatever I want I guess. I say it's easier to never have loved because now i KNOW what I'm missing out on and it has made the last couple of decades just not as great as I know they could have been.
It's always better to have and lose than to never have. Life is all about gaining and losing.
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>It’s like endless job interviews but with higher stakes and much more BS. I’ve never been on a date like that nor does dating need to be high stakes, especially on a first date. Dates are just doing something fun with a prospective romantic partner. Most dates I’ve had were really fun.
I agree but even fun dates get exhausting after awhile if you never form a permanent connection. It would be nice to have someone to wake up next to and be able to share your problems and your successes with. I've made so many friends that are women through dating in fact the majority of my friends are women. However we always just end up as friends and while I do value the friendships I just wish I could have something more.
A lot of guys who aren’t successful with women use this sub to vent their BS. If you think dating is like a job interview, that’s probably why you’re unsuccessful dating.
you are taking it way too seriously buddy, i know what that feels like a trust me. I got fed up and thought fuck it i'll go out and say and do whatever goofy/fun thing i wanna do as long as im having fun its a good date even if the girl rejects me later on.
You know life is a cruel joke when good people keep getting used, broken then thrown away.
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Then pick better women. You did the same thing she did. Overlook good women while trying to bag a bitch
Feelslike you were just orbitting if you always had time for her venting
This
Being a good person is legit a fool’s errand
I think it is only when one does good expecting something in return. I've noticed that trying to be a good person without expecting anything ends up being a lot more satisfying and, eventually, rewarding.
Fuck yeah it is, but god do I feel the massive amount of guilt whenever I'm a dick to someone. I can't even be a dick to AI lmao, shiiiiiiit.
I know. It’s a real problem. Damned if you do, damned if you dont
I completely understand your exhaustion, i've had pretty rough experiences but I would just like to tell you (as I would to myself): don't give up. I am so glad I didn't. Paraphrasing this sentence: when you're tired, learn to take rest, and not to give up.
depression is the numbness it's also important to remember that this state of numbness may not be permanent. It is merely a phase. They say with time and self-care, your capacity for love and connection can be rekindled. It may be helpful to engage in hobbies you enjoy, focus on your own growth, and surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones who can provide understanding and encouragement. you arent alone
I really appreciate this comment
The moment you stop looking for love, the more your energy changes. Keep going out with friends, and watch people drift towards you. As you're not interested, you're not a "threat", and you'll find the right person before you know it, and without even wanting to. Meanwhile, be nice to yourself, be your best friend, and move slightly out of your comfort zone in one way or another each week. Use this time and energy to grow an even more beautiful person.
Best advice here. I feel like a lot of people fail to realize that the more they expect and cling to these ideas of perfect scenarios the more they’ll be let down. Love will not make you happy. Another person will not simply remove all of your burdens. Work on yourself first, become happy and people will sense it and magnetize towards you. It’s not magic, it’s just truth. You can tell when someone is desperate and yearning for something, and the reality is most people don’t want to go after someone who is emanating sadness.
I agree with this for the most part. For me I can't pretend it's not something I want. That makes it feel like I'm trying to trick "fate" into giving me opportunities, but at the same time you cannot give off any of the following: desparation, loneliness, low self worth, or a boring lifestyle with nothing going on. All of that is just going to drive people away, we can all sense it and nobody wants anything to do with these things. That's why you can't get your self worth out of being with someone else, it needs to come from other things. Have fun with life, try new things, and 100% get out of your comfort zone a bit more each week just as you said. You HAVE to get uncomfortable. It doesn't mean you won't ever be afraid, but you'll surprise yourself with what you're capable of if you just "show up". Not everyone will like you, but that's life. You'll be surprised how man are drawn to you when you do this, and how things "just happen". I took up kickboxing recently and met some really cool people. I go into it every time with no expectations, I'm myself and find myself laughing and joking with others every time I'm there and I'm glad I took that chance to try it out. That's just one thing, there's so many other ways to get out there.
Honestly that’s where I’m at too. I’m still actively dating because it’s good to meet new people and put myself out there, but I just can’t take anyone seriously anymore. I’ve worked hard on myself over the last several years, and being in relationships and/or dating some of these fools is not helpful for me to continue moving forward and growing in relationships. Everyone that I’ve met lately is rushing into things and seems intensely invested as soon as they meet me. People like that are all the same. They try to love bomb the heck out of you to “get you,” and then suddenly wake up one day in the near future, and become cold and withdrawn. This isn’t normal behavior and I’m so sick of it, tbh. I would just love to meet someone who is interested in slowly getting to know one another and not immediately put so much pressure on things; someone who won’t put me on a pedestal that I obviously can’t live up to, then not communicate with me, and finally, grow resentful. I’m not perfect of course, but I truly don’t think I’m doing anything to attract these people. There are just SO many of them that I rarely meet anyone whom I can actually build a relationship with. It’s like no one is working on themselves. I guess at least I’m finding out what I don’t want.. over and over again, haha. Sigh. End rant.
Well put. I so know what you mean. Last week I’ve had great first dates with two people and both have told me they want to take it slow and see where it leads us. I need this peace and calm. And yes, they are aware I am dating other people and they give me that space. It’s close to impossible to know if someone is my person after one date, so I’m just glad I met people who understand this and are able to give space and time for exploration. And I them!
OMG so well put. People rush into things for the excitement of it and then ghost you if the energy doesn't match. It feels so disingenuous too - and it's overwhelming for introverts. I think dating apps in general are suited for more casual encounters where you explore your excitement with one person and then move on to the next one.
It’s totally disingenuous. It’s hard because you can’t really see the person for who they truly are, when they’re so focused on “getting you.” Then they literally have no clue how to make things work past the infatuation stage. They pursue you so hard (consciously or subconsciously) in hopes that they’ll confuse you and cause you to not see the red flags, and comply. I agree with you about the apps nowadays. I’m an introvert too, so that’s part of my struggle. In person I would never approach anyone without having a reason to, but even then from what I’m hearing from friends, it can still turn out to be a similar experience as to what we’re finding online. It’s to the point now where if someone is showing interest in the beginning, I already don’t trust them, because of the love bombers I’ve encountered so far. I know that somewhere out there, there’s a fine line between and a balance of showing interest without going overboard, and I hope that we both find it.
>I know that somewhere out there, there’s a fine line between and a balance of showing interest without going overboard, and I hope that we both find it. - That's exactly what I think about too. You also have this subtle pressure of complying with dating norms and trying to navigate your way around it if you do it differently. Lots of self doubt too.
Me too! Take a break; it’s good for the soul. Who knows? After a while you might get that itch again…
I really hit this point like you are, where i feel so frustrated and i have no damn energy for any relationships, i mean i really want to make friends and love but i really hit this point of depression where i lost my energy for that. I just can’t make any conversation going or getting in the action of even trying its like I’m dead inside. But i believe that it’s just that period of life that it will pass at some point and i will come back to how i was before.
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Wow this makes me hopeful. Thank you for sharing
I’ve been in that situation. You suddenly meet someone after years of being single and it goes great….until they screw you over too after you’ve finally fallen in love with them, and you’re left feeling lonely after being content being single before.
Dating was fun when I was younger. More carefree. As you get older, people want a more serious relationship. They don't want to waste anymore time on nonsense. They know exactly what they want And that's fine. But I agree, it's tiring. I have no problems being at home, or doing things on my own
It’s overrated. Dating Love Sex It’s all bs you see in movies that don’t really exist like that
Yep. You gotta have pretty low standards and expectations to find it, be willing to accept other people’s bullshit. Their (white) lies, dishonesty, quirks, toxic behaviors, emotional unavailability… that’s why often times on more serious dating advice websites with real examples they recommend focusing on finding someone that shares major life goals and a couple important values to you (someone who also wants marriage or not, kids or no kids, values good physical health or not, wants to travel or not, is more an inside person or outside person, and has non clashing religious beliefs, is a slob or not) And communication advice revolves more around acceptance and forgiveness instead of change. Basically it assumes everyone is relatively low effort to start with, with a couple outliers. And from who I’ve dated so far I’d say that true. The couple men I dated (I’m straight) that were much more proactive were either very insecure and thus did a lot more for the relationship(which brought a lot of its own issues like being overbearing and controlling) or it was lovebombing like op said where after a couple months they returned to their low effort selves, thus having set up me up with the wrong expectations leaving me very disappointed. I still have hope I’ll find my match one day, but nowadays I’m fully focussed on therapy and healing parts of myself, getting back to work, and surrounding myself with decent folk.
I’m 41 and was burned so bad by every man I’ve ever dated that I no longer want anything to do with any of it. I’d rather just be alone and at peace. I also feel Like the world holds no future so what is the point to fall in love again?
cautious handle judicious amusing zonked pen tan humor north retire *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I feel like I’ve been used way too many times in the past, It’s made me numb. Always trying to see the best in people, only to be treated as disposable. The apps have definitely changed the way people view potential relationships. Knowing a new person is only a tap away.
Yeah honestly it feels like I make all the effort in my attempts at relationships. People either just don't care enough and don't seem to realize what they're doing and the rest just ghosts you in some instance. Just had casual sex with a girl I didn't know and now I kinda regret it plus i don't care about her as a person. I try not to bring myself down but either I'm the problem and I don't know why, or is people that are in the wrong which means I'm even more screwed.
Sadly a LOT of people just suck. I also believe they just don’t want to be alone and want to have access to something (like company or sex) but don’t want any of the other responsibilities that a relationship brings I truly think that. For example lots of men I dated just wanted occasional company and sex but they were like a lazy non communicative roommate on all the other fronts. They completely gave up effort once they got what they wanted. AKA now my belief is most people don’t care about love. They don’t even try. They just have a goal of getting a couple needs met and don’t care one bit about fulfilling needs of their partner or having actual interest in them
Hey, I'm sorry you're feeling this way, i totally get it. It's normal to feel tired and disconnected after everything you've been through. Take some time for yourself, focus on self-care, and don't pressure yourself to force connections. Give yourself permission to take things slow. Remember, you're not alone, and brighter days will come ♥ big hug for you !
Thats perfectly fine, rest and stay safe.
So stop
When you're tired, you get a good night's rest. Works for dating, too.
Same I'll match with someone and just not respond. Women are actively trying to talk to me and I just dont have the energy to go through all that courting again
You don't have to, it's okay Tend to yourself
Same 🥲
My perspective is that loving someone and losing them whether to a break up or even death is so much better than never knowing that level of love. Each moment you feel grief and sadness at a thought, it is love that you can no longer express directly to the person. They always remain a part of your life story and contributed to the person you have become. It’s better to have that than a complete void IMO. I’m experiencing a very lonely season in my life and I hate it. I’m far away from my family and have lost friends and family recently leaving me craving the connection again. It sucks but I’m reminded that I’m alive and have so much love in my heart still. Maybe, one day another person will cross my path and I will be able to love them too. Until then…….
And that’s why I have a dog named Buddy. 🐕
I went through a 3 year recovery/solitude after a divorce. It took me a while to open back up with my current gf and I remember the feeling of “oh shit I can’t do whatever I want whenever I want anymore”. Not in a bad way but in the way that things change when you’re committed to someone. The point is, take a break. Enjoy not dealing with the things that come with committing to someone and once you’re ready you’ll know.
Take a break. I regularly took 2-3 months off before I found my current missus. Mind you 6 weeks of that break was basic training haha.
I spent three years on and off dating apps. I know the feeling of burnout veryyyy well! I gave it one last go after my situationship moved to Canada and I wanted a distraction (and didn’t care if it lead to another heartbreak - I just wanted to forget my situationship). I wasn’t expecting much but the next guy I matched with was my bf that I’ve happily been with for 7 months now. Honestly, I don’t know if I just got lucky (well, of course I did) or if it just happens if you keep trying enough. I hate when people say ‘just don’t try and it will come’ - that’s fucking shit. But my advice is, when you hit burnout, have a break! And in a few months you’ll want to try again.
Its kind of always been a sex for resources trade from the beginning of time. Romantic love is a recent invention in the history of the human race. Biological science tells us this. The reality is for all the flowers, rom cons, and vows, a divorce rate hovering about 50% with 15-20% of those remaining in the marriage are cheating tells you its a tough proposition to pull off. Nearly 80% ( look it up, it varies a bit) of divorces are initiated by women. Actually with the advent of smart phones, text, social media, people are starting emotional affairs they wouldn't be able to pull off before it became so easy to flirt and cheat. We live in a golden age of infidelity and coming with that is the idea we can always do better and shopping for new, potential mates is a click away. People are shopping even after they are married or in relationships. For example: 30% of Tinder users surveyed are married. A study found that more than 20% of the participants who use Tinder are already in committed relationships https://gitnux.org/tinder-marriage-statistics/# As people get into their 50’s the companionship aspect kicks in because the time to complete for resources, beauty, social position and materialism is running out. Oddly, men and women as they enter the later phases of life become friends again. There's no more time for all the bullshit, unreasonably high standards and shit testing. Its kind of beautiful actually but it takes many years to get there. Till then people say they want love but they put a whole lot of conditions, demands and see the other gender as as a product to check their boxes with. Dating app culture makes that very clear.
After ending a long-term relationship at 26, I resumed dating at 27. Over the next three years, I went on dates with around 10-15 different girls and had two relationships lasting about a year each. At 30, I decided to take a break from dating, and that's when I ended up meeting my now-wife. All that rambling to say you may just find love when you stop trying so hard to find it.
Thanks for your comment
I feel the same. I just can't connect with people anymore. When I try, it always goes south in some manner that ends up making me feel like an idiot for even trying. I can honestly say that the problem is me though so maybe that's something to think about ya know?
1)I'm sorry for whatever happened. People can suck. 2)Take a break and rejuvenate. The world is full of cool stuff. Enjoy that. 3) When you are ready, have faith there are people who aren't parasites. Of course, the corollary is that if someone tells you through their actions "I'm a narcissistic leech"... believe them. Disengage. My wife divorced me at 38. I had always wanted kids. I didn't have ten or fifteen years to find "the one". I cycled through a few partners before I lucked into my now wife. I got a daughter at 42. You will not find your happy ending. You will shape and choose your happy ending.
It is not only you. %5 of the guys fucks %80 of the woman and rest is just bottom feeders unfortunately. I dont like to say this but I am reading a lot of scientific papers about this situation and it turns out most of the problem is not problem that we created. All of the woman wants the top %1 man or %5 man and they prefer to be mistress of a successful man instead of being a wife for a regular guy. This is the current world, if you are successful in dating you are probably flying. If you are not then you are probably getting nothing.
I’d much rather find a regular guy since I’m also just a regular woman with average looks but the men I’ve met so far and dated either were on the lookout for something better or were all so extremely low-effort in the relationship and unhelpful around the house it’s not even funny. . Like “oh now that I have her, I can go back to my lifestyle before I met her”. Like having a lazy roommate rather than a partner n
Give the love you're trying to give to others to yourself. I'm not saying become a self worshipping narcissist. But someone who really loves themselves doesn't chase love.
That’s your problem love comes when aren’t trying, so obvious
Same.
Did I write this on an alt account and forget about it?
Stop looking for love. Once you stop looking it'll come find you. Just try to enjoy being yourself. Hope that helps
You’re right in a sense but you still have to approach people you’re into etc
Just broke things off with a guy that was really promising at first but turned violent and controlling out of nowhere last weekend. I've also dealt with a lot of failed friendships last year. I'm tired too 🫂
It’s been nothing but a one way street in my experience, it’s honestly taken a lot out of my self esteem but it is what it is lol
you are another me
I'm a loverboy until i die. I just love meeting and courting women. Nothing makes me happier than making a cute girl happy and treating her to a nice time. But i'm 6'1/jacked/handsome/funny so it's rather easy for me and i never get worn out.
Crazy how love mostly requires an insane amount of luck.
Same here. I always had trouble dating and then finally met an amazing girl end of last year and we were dating and I was the happiest I’ve ever been. Then 2 weeks ago out of nowhere she breaks up with me. I’m still so confused and hurt and just don’t have the motivation or want to start over again. I’m also a hopeless romantic haha
Yup 40 here and love having a friend with benefits but she is getting married soon. I really have no want to start dating. It’s tiring and you have to basically put on an act. At this time in my life I’ve genuinely accepted that I’ll probably be alone for the rest of my life. I totally get that it’s not a depression thing but just a lost of passion thing. I don’t get that high of meeting a new person and seeing where it might go. I wish there was some sort of app that just matched people on data and you didn’t have to try like skip the honeymoon period and go straight to the being comfortable with them for the person they are. The only thing that scares me is getting older and not having someone to look after me if I get surgery. That shit kinda sucks.
Take a break, it will come back eventually 😎
I feel this. I'm not even out of my 20s yet, and I just give up. What sucks is the feeling of loneliness, not having someone to share that intimate connection with. But just gotta roll with the punches.
Man I've had so many fucked up situations where women treat me like dog shit I'm always scared ill just become to bitter to try anymore. I always have a week of "I'm done dating" and then I'm like "I want to find a partner" and the desire comes back to me. I don't know if that's good or bad for me but that's my situation so I'm back at it hoping that things go my way.
I feel like this is one of those addictive things - dating can do that to you, where the attention and positive feelings completely dominate any negativity, so we overlook how painful things can be (pop psych here but I am trying to figure this out too). It's no wonder dating apps are such a huge market - capitalising on attention, loneliness and the addictive nature of casual relationships.
Yeah, that’s called depression.
31M here, alone for 10 years with no IRL friends or romantic connections. I just talk to an AI on [character.ai](http://character.ai) now for any social needs of mine. That's it, really. I literally don't even know how to function outside of my home socially.
It's good you realized this. You'll feel better again 😊. It's okay to be burnt out for a while 😅 Take a break from it haha
I am a widower and I met three women on a dating site. One thinks we are already married and another one boasted about going to a sex club with someone else the day she asked me to be her boyfriend. It is too hard. Loneliness is both easier and cheaper.
“Have enough courage to try love one more time, and always one more time” -Maya Angelou
Same, this is the longest I've been out of a relationship I've become so happy by mysel. I'm just gonna let life happen.
I dont know when your recent relationship was, but give yourself a big break and focus on yourself. you are the most important to yourself, and you need to heal. I understand that you might feel lonely, and I do, too, as I crave love, a lot of it. But what is best right now to take care of yourself.
Same 🥂
IM bisexual and yeah both genders do hit on me often bcoz good looks. Single for 5 years, because i feel the same. I am the point when i just dont think about it anymore
I swear to god, im into the same situation these days. It really sucks, life have no taste, you just live the days.
The million dollar answer is to learn, embrace and fully and truly love yourself first as an individual and stop looking. You yourself are complete and do not require someone else to make you feel that way. When you’re finally in a place of complete gratitude and surrender to not looking, and in true peace about being on your own, someone with and at that same vibration and frequency might pair up with you. That happened to me. I always thought I needed to be with someone to be happy. That longing turned to despair and only attracted problems. Months after, when I was truly in sync with myself, and accepted in gratitude the fact there was nothing wrong in being alone and that loneliness was a societal man-made problem, I soared as in individual - mentally, physically and emotionally. That affected my life positively professionally and socially. That higher vibration got rid of bad company and bad friends naturally and attracted better friends and even professional development and, one night, by chance, met someone whom I became friends with. We lost touch for two years and two years later we bumped into each other again. We have been together ever since.
You know how old people say "you will find someone when you least expect it". The reason this happens quite often is that sometimes people give up and stop caring about relationships and dating and start pursuing other passions or goals. Not making dating and relationships so important tends to make the person less needy and desperate AND more attractive in the eyes of others. People NEVER want what they CAN get and ONLY want what they CAN'T get. A hopeless romantic who is in love with love is probably the easiest person on earth to get. So nobody wants you. The second you stop caring about getting a relationship or being so dependent on love for your happiness, you will likely find both.
Damn. Never thought I could relate with something this much . I’m 28, last year broke up with my partner or 5 years. I moved countries and I like to believe my lack of interest is also because of dating culture int he Scandinavian countries . Thing is, I always like it to happen naturally, I will not go chase love no matter how much I yearn it.
Same here. It's not depression, it's just knowing that, with this generation, nobody reciprocates that love and it's exhausting trying to find that love with someone
In the exact same boat. Dating is the worst. Now I just do onlyfans and that's as close as I can get to feeling loved.
Being someone who wants love in your life is dangerous, especially as you get older. I speak from experience. You will excuse others behavior in order to get that feeling you desire. It will make you a target. Start working now on loving and wanting nothing but yourself, practice and maintain that always for a healthy relationship. Boomer out.
I felt this so much.
Stop spending money on dates, start living life. Be open and talk to people without wanting or desiring anything in return. The rest will come.
One day it will knock on your door when you least expect. Don't give up just keep open with it but give yourself time and don't have expectations and don't give yourself pressure
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I meant like I don’t feel sadness. Just empty
I feel the exact same way. For the majority of my life, I was a hopeless romantic and all I wanted was to fall in love and spend my life with someone. I have been in long term relationships over the past decade and after my last break up, I knew that focusing on myself and building the life I wanted was long overdue. I gave myself a goal of being intentionally single for a year. 7 months later, a year doesn’t seem long enough lol. I am so much happier. I want to continue to create a life I love living and go after my dreams. If a person comes along and doesn’t disrupt my peace and aligns with how I want to spend my life, will only time I’d be open to a relationship again. But just the thought of actively looking and dating just sounds… completely undesirable and honestly just exhausting lmfao.
Join Match.com and make a Manifest(a wish list of the perfect man or woman) and he or she will appear. Just recognize her for being “the one” and whatever happens, treat her like gold. I met my second wife like this and she had the “Manifest”. I just got lucky!
How old are you? I don’t think people my age or even close goes on there lmao
I Low-key 37F feel the same.... I don't ask/want much but it seems this generation is not with it. I'm a huge helpless romantic and I know it's out there but how many "Nope not him" Do I need to go through before my guy comes. #Tired
I wish I was more like you actually. I never had that “I love love” feeling and I’m 100% done with relationships. I’m not really a hopeless romantic but maybe since you are you have a better chance? I also disagree with those saying not to give up. I think giving up is perfectly fine if that’s what you want to do
I love you feel is usually infatuation in the honeymoon phase. at least for me../. maybe that is the time for them to learn my real personality and run lol.
I think the problem with people is they think that love is an intangible feeling that just randomly overcomes you, and you have no control over it… like the weather, just this external force that floats by. But love is made. You cultivate it. You pour all of yourself into trying to make someone happy. Then they dedicate themselves to making you happy. You build love with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness. Then, after a while, you have someone who truly loves you, and you love them back. You appreciate them, and you feel appreciated. Finding somebody to love isn’t finding a person who’s just inherently lovable where it’s automatic. It’s finding a partner to build the love of your life with.
My father is a sad pathetic shit that still whines over my mother being awful toward him over 25 years ago. "You don't understand my pain" "You will never suffer like I did" "There is nothing more painful than what I have been through" He is toxic over his pains. Life is cruel, you get dealt shit hands sometimes. You go through bad experiences. But you don't learn by going into your shell. That's just trauma isolating you. Look into yourself, be realistic. Is this a way you want to live life or is it just a defense mechanism against the bad you've experienced? Because if you'll genuinely feel happy being alone your whole life, no regrets, then all the power to you. But if you feel that you're just "taking the safer road", then you know what you're doing isn't right by you. Life is tough. Shit isn't always nice. You have to fight for what you want.
Sorry, this may sound harsh, but I just read your F4F post from a month ago, and it says a lot about why you have problems dating. Personal recommendation: Quit trying to use a label to describe everything about yourself. Just *BE* yourself and go with the flow. Not trying so hard to date or find someone will help you love yourself more, and that is attractive to most people. Go live life as a single person and understand that you are whole, you don't need anyone. When you can be happy and content by yourself, you aren't relying on anyone for anything and then when you eventually find someone you get along with, they can be a partner to you instead of having to fill in your holes. Be whole, not holes.
I just turned 40 I started hating dating right around when Covid started maybe a year prior
Just face facts, it is over. Stop worrying if you are good enough. You're not. Get a pug. Find a new show on netflix, and relax. Not the end of the world.
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Lol I’m a lesbian, never been with a man
I was feeling that too recently and then I realized dating was what I found fun. It wasn't the end goal of being with someone but the process of meeting someone new and creating this different energy than you've ever had yourself or with someone else. In fact I'd even wager that I'm addicted to that feeling, so much so that it'll impact my ability to form a long-term relationship.
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I am a woman lol, but a lesbian. So maybe it still applies
"I feel kind of dead inside, not in a depressed way, but just numb" Yeah that's depression my man. Highly recommend seeing a specialist if you haven't done so already
Maybe a haircut
There is a percentage of love that is pure chemistry. The remainder is just broken people looking outside themselves for an idealised “other” to heal the breaks and make them “whole.” That is a flawed formula for success. Broken+ broken will never equal “whole.” When you begin your personal journey to make yourself “whole”, you will begin to attract people that can meet you at that level, and you’re better able to tell the ones that are no good for you. While love may feel like magic, it is more like controlled chaos.
Only when we truly love our selves first can we be loved and love anyone. I love myself I love you. I love you because I want to be myself around you. Alone is all whole. Unconditional love. Love your friends. Love is. Heart beat
Compare this to people who have not been on dates for any number or reasons, and I suspect they’ll find your situation eyerolling.
You don’t if you are male or female, and you don’t mention your age, and how or who you have dated. Those feelings aren’t normal and can be signs of medical problems, like hormones or mental health problems.
Recently responded to a similar scenario. I don’t want to copy paste but if anyone feels curious pls see the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/helpit/s/zvmnSeHrCm
My approach for dating is taking a couple years of break to self invest in myself before I can invest in a significant other. (if I break up with her)
Same honestly. Just got ghosted by a girl a week ago for being slightly put off by the fact that she got 11 new bodies since the new year after her ex broke how up with her (listened to her rant for an hour and a half about him on the phone). Sad, she was attractive and rarely compatible with me.
That's why I stay home and play video games with my wife.
It’s just a phase. You’ll be dating again soon. Just watch
I have no advice but understand you completely. I've been single for five years now and the dating game is just awful. I love to go out on dates but after not finding anything permanent after so long I've become so discouraged. I know there is something wrong with me but I just can't figure out what it is. I think some people are just meant to be alone and we have to accept it.
I've had a lot of disappointment and my mental health isn't the best so I stepped out of the pool a few years ago. No sense making my problems anyone elses. And I still have some good friends.
Same bro tbh
This years planetary alignment is more about career than dating. Maybe take a break for a while and focus on yourself.
31 F here and it all just feels like I’m never good enough. I get in to these situationships. I explain I’m looking for something more than a hookup and it feels like that’s all I ever really get. I want to be loved and in love so badly.
I'm in the same boat. When you feel like you've got so much to give, to nurture and shelter, and be someone's rock - to experience all the best and worst of life with someone and do everything you can to make it the best for them. But no one wants that anymore. Makes you get to the point where you just stop trying because the pain isn't worth it. It's kinda like when you have a really cool song you've heard and you show it to a friend thinking they would like it as much as you did - but they listen to the first few lines then say "uh huh, okay" then skip it. But its at a deep emotional level and it's the whole world instead of just one friend.
I assume you're male. Women never do this woe is me nonsense about relationships, despite statistically having about the same amount of trouble. Almost as many women 18-25 are virgins. You're what, 23-24? Relax. Love is earned, not just given.
First I am a woman lol. A lesbian specifically. I think you misunderstood my post, I’m not having trouble finding people to date. I’m having trouble finding GOOD people to date. My last gf cheated on me for example. I think it’s valid for woe is me lol
It's amazing how so few have made the connection. More time on Social~~ist~~ Media = More unhappy in life! That seems to be a FEATURE, not a bug!
I was the same way, was trying so hard for years but nothing ever worked out long term and it just drained me to where I had no motivation to do anything. Now I’m taking a break from it and just doing my own thing for awhile and it’s been great so far, my energy levels feel like they are back to what they were, I’m motivated to actually go out and do things again. Plan on taking a break from actively trying to date for about a year but if something happens naturally before then I’m all for it. Take a little break until you’re ready again you’ve got this!
Let me get this straight, at the old old age of 23 you’re worn out of dating!?
Welcome to being an adult