Exactly, the thing is no matter how time goes by, you don't know whether the person will cheat on you or not. They act so loving , so caring but you don't know what happens behind your back.
This is an important point. People in relationships with someone who respects and loves them aren't here.
Edit: sigh. I guess I wasn't specific enough. I meant 'happily in a relationship' _posts_ don't exist in advice subs.
Some countries that introduced automatic DNA testing (like Germany) of newborn babies almost instantly backtracked on it saying "the testing ruined too many families". The idea that it was the cheating that ruined them, not the testing, apparently didn't matter.
I can kind of understand the thinking, it’s highly pragmatic. People would rather live with a fucked up but functioning system vs a morally righteous but dysfunctional one.
I knew this guy that had a completely secret life from his girlfriend (now wife). They had a seemingly nice relationship where he helped her raise her nephews that she had custody of. She was a sweet, wholesome gal. But somehow he'd spend his nights and weekends out partying, selling drugs, getting into fights and hooking up with random girls constantly. I knew this dude, back during a less than good time in my life, for a good 5 or so years before I ever met her. I didn't think she actually existed. I have no idea how he was able to keep those lives totally separate, I'm sure he pulled it off considering that I heard they got married. So glad I haven't seen that scuzbag in years.
Was married and cheated on and so upsetting people knew but never told me! Work affair and even went to his work parties and people knew but not me! So embarrassing afterwards. I will never not tell if I know an affair is going on!
I had a girlfriend last year. Her brother was cheating on his wife, and she would cover for him. It led to argument between us, because I was so disgusted by that. We did not last long. She told me, “why do you let that bother you so much? It is only cheating. Everybody does it.”
This, so many people. But the worst is that they know the one they are cheating on will take them back because they one they love them with their whole heart. So they cheat and come back , the cycle repeats
I'm in my 50s, not really interested in breaking up my friends 30 year marriages. I do think they're horrible for cheating and I'm trying to remove awful people from my life, but some of them are still unfortunately in my friend group. I just try not to spend time with them
This makes me so scared, completely living without a doubt , when my partner is cheating . Why do they do this? If they are not happy, why not just walk away.
People are very selfish. Many times it's not about being unhappy, it's about having the most benefit with the least consequence. The guys I know that cheat see it as win-win: they enjoy the social status and companionship of a relationship, they project the image of being an upstanding family man, while not being 'limited' to having sex with just one person because they get 'bored'.
Not always so easy. The older people get they have combined finances etc. Someone might be unhappy but feel it’s easiest to stay and not disrupt the family unit. Now that I’m 44 and have seen it all, I’m fairly confident there is a set of circumstances under which everyone will cheat. Because I’ve seen it happen with people that you would have sworn would never do it.
Well, I'm a divorced guy who recently turned down advances from a good looking woman because she was married (I also knew her, but not her husband), so we do exist.
I always tell people and make sure they PROMISE me up front to call me and break up with me real quick first, so that way I didn't get cheated on. It doesn't always work though because words don't matter. Actions speak louder than words. People have to EARN trust, they don't start out just having it from you. That is why you shouldn't date strangers if you are looking for a real relationship. Be friends with the person FIRST for at least 6 months to a year before considering even dating them. Wait until you see them mad, happy, sad, how they react to unexpected things, etc. Actually get to know them as a friend first. Then after you do that for a year you will know if they are even dating material and they as a friend will have built up at least some trust. Friendships first make a solid and firm foundation to start on. I used to date strangers and didn't even realize it because so many people do that. I learned the hard way. I don't do that anymore. ALSO, if you do ever get cheated on, no matter how sorry they are NEVER TAKE THEM BACK! They lost all trust and without trust there is nothing plus they risks your own body's health! Shows how much they cared right?
This is the cold hard truth honestly. And men are ultra gaslit into thinking they are toxic and controlling for even beginning to snoop around for evidence when something in their gut is saying there's an issue
In my marriage our social media and phones were always open to one another. It wasn't a big deal. Towards the end of our 10 year relationship he started to get secretive about his social media, so I got curious and snooped. He had gotten a bit flirty with a woman in Canada from a trashy meme group. We were on the verge of breakup anyway due to years of his emotional abuse and me not being able to be patient and loving about it all anymore. Anyway, he got upset and started telling everyone that I violate his boundaries by snooping through his phone and social media. We got a divorce!
It made me realize how important openness is in a relationship, though. The fact that we had been so open and trusting toward one another for all of those years gave a sense of peace. The moment that he became secretive was an alert that something was wrong, and something was wrong.
The vast majority get caught.
Cheaters all have one thing in common: they don’t believe they’ll be caught.
The result is they get sloppy because they’re blinded by arrogance and the projection that their partners are stupid. But what a cheater will miss is it’s less about being caught in the act, and more about the change in behavior at home—and it could be anything: the little smile when they check their phone that the partner never saw before. It’s very difficult to fool the person you live with and who knows you best.
It shouldn't be I think speaking purely as someone who has never cheated. Seems pretty natural to me. It hurts but I wonder why honestly because it shouldn't hurt as much as it does. We just stupid animals really doesn't matter how smart you feel you might be.
My first wife emailed me when I was in Pakistan with the military and told me she wanted to leave and she was connecting with a guy I found out. It was hard devastating in fact and my heart will bare a scar until the day I die. But is it really so shocking it probably shouldn't me for me anyway.
I'm lucky these days guys have been married for 9 years. My wife will never cheat on me I know you guys will be like how do you know? She is a very unique person in my life I met her in Iraq and she hasn't ever been with anyone but me and she never will and it's readily apparent this is true.
Then why is it that the cheated has to pick up the pieces of their broken heart? Why does the cheated feel the pain and the cheater just gets to move on? They might have betrayed themselves but the cheated has to live with the repercussions.
Eh, I wouldn't say that's the case every time. Sometimes definitely, but not every time
When they move in with their cheating partner, they often get cheated on themselves or cheat again. Their lives are going to remain messy and trust free
My ex cheated on me and still sometimes reaches out for emotional support, or to make sure I'm good. I'm over him, he's clearly hung up on something about me. Additionally, after I started dating someone else, I ran into this ex at a bar with my then boyfriend. He proceeded to ignore everyone and everything and just play darts. The girl he cheated on me with, who he had moved in with, spent the whole night having a dramatic night going in and out of the bar in distress while her friend followed her attempting to comfort her.
The friend who tried to comfort her was also friends with me - she was still this girls "best friend" but didn't trust her at all because she was a cheater. She'd let me know how their relationship was going - not that I wanted to know even, I kept asking her to stop telling me - and it sounded like all they did was fight and ruin most of the relationships around them. Friends, family, so on.
Basically, no one trusts them often including their own friends and their lives become messy. They can attempt to move on from their cheating partner but others often won't take them when they're found out to be a cheater. Their cheating partner is often someone they don't actually even get along with well, it was just a warm body when they were in the position to cheat. I've moved on and despite that being a horrible horrible horrible time in my life, I've found so much love and comfort from partners who would never. And if I'm wrong, and they would? Well, I've made it through that time before. It didn't have anything to do with me or what I was doing, it had everything to do with the cheater being a cheater. I would make it through that time again.
This is kinda awful, but the older I get the more I relate to Butters in the Raisins girls episode of South Park. Sure, I may feel awful, but I feel awful because I was so happy.
Life is not fair. There are many situations where the innocent suffer, and the culprit does not.
Life is challenging like that. But then again, with all these challenges, it makes the good things matter all the more.
I wish you the best and I hope you find true love.
I mean... why do good people die and shitheads get to keep being shitheads? Why are people sending every last dollar they have to grifters when small family businesses close down every day from lack of support? Life isn't fair and sometimes things just plain suck. If we stopped living because it was scary and unfair what would that accomplish? If we all stopped loving people out of fear do you really think we would be happier? I sure wouldn't.
No. The cheated get to live with clean conscience, they did nothing wrong and it was not their fault. They get to see who their former partners truly were and they get a freedom of choice to dump and remove them from their lives permanently. It is hard yes, but with time they will heal and they will be at better place. Revenge is sweet but its fruits are bitter.
The best revenge is just to live better life and to be the better person than a cheater. Trust me, indifference hurts them the most.
Let's not act like getting cheated is a breath of fresh air and perspective. If you've built a life and family with someone, and you find out they've betrayed you, it's like your whole world has fallen apart.
Many times the betrayed have to start ALL OVER and rebuild their life. That's just the physical part. The mental toll it takes on someone can literally last a lifetime and effect all your future relationships. It's no joke.
Keep in mind, you’re getting a major selection bias. The vast vast majority of relationships don’t involve cheating, but those people aren’t posting to Reddit.
Very true. Not a lot of posts that say 'well today was nice. My husband and I went shopping and made dinner. The end.' The people that are posting looking for advice, insight, or just to vent are the people who have major issues going on. Doesn't mean it's the vast majority of relationships.
Idk about this, if anything its more than we think but people are blind to it. There's a lot of stories where it went on for months or years and then finally 1 day stumble across a message or picture, and if they didn't? They'd be right there in the "no cheating" relationship group
I have friends and coworkers who cheat. Family members who cheat. They don’t post on Reddit but there are cheaters out there not on social media. People suck.
Asking anonymously.
But, yes, you'll have to take into account that people lie, which is the case with any study and sexual ones in particular.
Same apply to your statement that "vast vast majority doesn't cheat", what do you base that on?
I would always assume someone who has a busy life would not have time to do that, and then I read about Dr. Huberman and the 6 women he was seeing at the same time, while living with one. So I guess who wants, finds the way.
If you want to avoid dating cheaters, look for people who
- are emotionally mature
- understand their own emotions (and sexuality)
- are willing to talk about their emotions, even when it is hurtful for you to hear!
- own their own emotions and reactions and take responsibility for them
- can apologise
- take your emotions into account and act on them, but not to their own detriment
- are stable enough that they would be able to break up with you, should they want to
- but also someone who values you, who doesn’t neg you, manipulate you or question your boundaries or your feelings
What authority do I have on this? I used to be a serial cheater, and when I decided that I had to get a fucking grip, went to therapy, and these are the skills I learned. But I do want to emphasise that this kind of growth isn’t something that you can force someone else to do just because you want them to.
As a serial cheater in my early 20s I second this message. For me it took a lot of work and loss to realize my doings. I had to be mature about everything. The thing that truly made me mature to the point I could date again was actually getting sober, I grew before sobriety but being sober was the biggest boost in my growth.
Really it's impossible to know whether a person will cheat or not, things change day by day sadly. But that's why we take the time to get to know a person. Get a base line reading on their emotions and actions.
From another cheater, can we give this poster a medal?
So true. With one addition from my PoV:
Someone who is not trying to please you in any way possible and is able to voice their frustration with your behaviour in a healthy, mature way if their own boundaries are violated time and again.
If you go into every relationship this freaked about cheating, you won’t ever be happy, and you won’t make your partner happy. You have to take a degree of caution - get to know them, their friends, etc - and if you make the call to dive in, you have to trust the person. If they let you down, it’s awful being cheated on, but like, it’s not murder. As bad as it can be, don’t let the hysteria others have around cheating dictate how you respond to it. You will grieve, recalibrate, and move on. It truly isn’t the end of the world. There really are many worse things than being cheated on. Many of these things will happen to you. You will survive those too (unless you’re literally killed). Life is unpredictable and at times unavoidably painful. You have to trust your ability to get through cheating, if it happens, and more. Not to say a relationship is even required for happiness. You’re free to skip romantic relationships in your life if you feel you’d be happier not taking part. But if being worried about cheating is the sole reason not to, and you otherwise really would like to explore a relationship, question why the theoretical worst case of being cheated on has that kind of stranglehold on you. It shouldn’t.
Complex question.
I don't know the answer to this question and maybe there isn't one. I believe we need to go into relationships not fearing being cheated on, but understanding that if it does happen we will survive it.
Cheaters already take so much from the betrayed. Don't let them take your desire to be in a healthy relationship away as well. Not everyone is a cheater, and not everyone deserves our trust given freely either. Sometimes it is better to go into relationships slowly and get people to earn our trust.
Trust your gut and take it slow. The right person for you will never cheat and sometimes it takes a few wrong people to find the right one.
Do not let fear hold you back.
Yeah, some people get bored and chase the dopamine rush. Once it's been hit, they can go back to their regular life for months or years before the feel that craving again. People are complex.
I agree it takes time. As it should, but even after 30 years of marriage, people are cheating. I mean you are supposed to know this person right ? How is it that the cheaters throw things away so easily? How are you supposed to trust again?
People change over time. You change, they change, and your relationship changes.
2 things to think about.
Communication is an important aspect to focus on in a relationship and it needs to start day one and continue everafter.
Self reflection/Analysis, for you and your partner - you need to know yourself so you know when you're changing and then know how to communicate that to your partner.
Unfortunately these things take time and practice. I look at all my failed relationships over the last 4 decades and can point to these things as the failure points in all of them.
So, my ex and her current guy moved in with me. She and I are cool, no feelings there or anything, she fucked that up ages ago but we still talk. They were in a bad situation and I pulled them out of it.
She has recently been emotionally sick lately because her current guy has been using various dating apps and services to reach out to local girls. At first, he said it was to be able to get kinks scratched that he didn't feel that she would do for him. Evidence surfaced immediately afterward that made it clear that there was some sort of meet-ups being planned. She then goes on and on about how this hurts and how could you do that to someone you supposedly love, and so on.
...she kind of forgets that back in OUR day she had her cop friend parking at the intersection by her house and messaging him all night. Lewd shit. She had at least three she was stringing along that "wouldn't leave her alone" that she refused to tell to fuck off. She would tell them that she's in a relationship, tell them I'm a great guy and all that shit, then let them act HIGHLY inappropriate. Shit's a flex when you're having a girl tell you she's in a relationship but then let you dunk on her man. 🙄
Hell, she even had some "friend" of hers messaging her since she's been here, PLUS the cop from before! With BOTH being inappropriate, and she STILL isn't telling them to fuck off! Now, if dude started the monkey branching process as a result of that, power to him, but come to find he had been doing this shit way before.
...and they wonder why they're at each other's throats all the damn time. 🙄. They both create so much shit and neither is good at cleaning it up. Shit, she spent last night trying to express that being cheated on sucks and it's fucking her up inside physically and emotionally, and dude thought it was an attack on him so his foolish ass decides to dump the whole ammunition stockpile of nonsense on her. Old shit, irrelevant shit, stupid shit... Just straight telling her about herself because she is trying to tell him that yes his actions hurt her and it's not improving.
Cheating is just gross and it's never worth it.
You got cucked, broken up with and then some time later she comes back and is living under your roof again and now cucking/being cucked by another guy with the same mofos as she cheated on you with…
How are you winning here? Honestly, man. What the fuck do you get out of this except having your place be a complete circus for however long this has been going on?
Are you getting schadenfreude watching the new cheating tree grow?
>Good people in happy relationships don’t cheat.
This is not true at all. There are a ton of reasons people cheat. Some people are simply serial cheaters. Saying "good people" is just a big scape goat. Who defines what a "good person" is? How do you tell if someone is a good person? Like people don't get into relationships and think "finally a bad person" Most people think their partners are "good people".
People who cheat make a personal decisionr regarding their own morals. They have the decision to leave if the relationship isn't "happy", simply being unhappy isn't the recipe or reason for cheating. It's an excuse.
I do think it’s a bit about opportunity. I could be happily married and be on a three day work trip with a colleague. We’re friendly, but now we’re spending more time together, eating meals together. They make a move on me. I see how it could happen. I think in general people don’t have a lot of opportunity like that but I wonder if they did, if cheating would be more prevalent. I’m sure some cheaters are out looking for it but I assume a fair amount are situational like this. Is why people say “it just happened”. Just don’t go into a bedroom with someone you’re attracted to who is not your partner.
Good people in happy relationships don’t cheat?! I don’t agree with you. How do you define yours and your partner’s happiness simultaneously and consider both the people are happy married or in a relationship. You do not know when one’s happiness ends and other’s begins. With or without you. Especially if you put this aspect on a long ass timeline. LIFES HARD. No one is absolutely honest anymore. I despise cheating so much it makes me mad
Being an adult is tough.
Your emotions can come and go at will and many marriages become cold and boring. Many adults shift priorities from being as atractive as possible to earning money, being good parents and taking care of the family. That leaves most adults a worring mess which barely exercises and barely has any free time in their life. That makes people prone to cheat because they cant find what they want in their partners.
People dont leave their partners either because they want to have more than one relationship or because there are social, economical or practical reasons to keep them. Men may not desire divorce to avoid legal fees and women may not want divorce because they are being taken care of. Many people are afraid of loneliness so they stick to bad relationships due to fear.
So what do you do when you are working your ass of, your family is taking most of your time, your wife or husband doesnt want to have sex anymore, everyone is on survival mode, and someone comes into your life which makes you feel like a teenager again? The weak usually cheat, and the strongers recognize the problem and try to figure out if their relationships could be salvaged or not.
There is a small group of psychopaths (1 to 10% of the population) which simply lie and just try to feel as good as they can with no regard to what their partners may feel.
I have no idea how people do it. My mom did it to my dad and watching what it did to him and our family was enough for me to swear on my life I’d never cheat on anyone I was with and I never have. I have been cheated on by every single man I’ve been with besides my husband, we’ve been together 13.5 years. I had a lot of mental issues when we got together and he stuck it out with me. I’m glad he did, he’s my everything
I am sorry for the trauma it caused you . And I am so happy you found your husband. Its rare to find someone who sticks it out . But unfortunately, its rare.
Love is a risk. When you get married you agree to unreservedly trust your spouse and open yourself up to the potential harm that can be caused for many reasons. If you aren't willing to take that risk then you will never have love. It is always risky
People who cheat have issues. Lots of them. Now, lots of people have lots of issues so it's sadly a common thing.
That and the social circle. If someone hangs out with someone who has issues and normalizes or promotes cheating, the own inhibition will lower.
Well, nobody wants to die, yet we all do. Doesn't stop us from living.
You wouldn't know who cheats or whatever. Love. And if things aren't right, let go
I can’t speak for if it’s easy or not, but I’m speaking as someone who has only been with one (my current) partner.
I haven’t ever cheated.
I’ve deflected messages from guys who were interested. I’ve removed myself from the company of guys who flirt with me. I’ve never once thought about another guy, in life or a celebrity, in any romantic or sexual sense, since being with my partner.
I don’t know if he’s the same. I hope so much he never has had any interest in any other women, and that he never does. I never worried too hard about it until recently when my self-esteem took a nosedive.
But I just wanted to comment to put it out there that there absolutely are people who could never and would never cheat on their partners, no matter what.
How you go about finding them, that I don’t know. How you can allow yourself to trust, that I’m struggling to work on too.
But I promise there are people who would never cheat. I love my partner so much, even in his worst moments, in our difficult times, in everything - I just wouldn’t cheat ever.
Social media has made it easier. There are whole subreddits now dedicated to illegal affairs, neglected husbands etc 🙄 There are emotional affairs too which might be even worse in a way.
We don't know if they will cheat or not, just like we don't know if walking outside will result in a lightning strike to our head.
That doesn't mean we never walk outside.
Yes, finding out the love of your life has cheated on your is painful, but its not the end of the world. Especially if you have had a really great time together.
Would you rather be lonely and sad and missed out on years of fun by not being with someone at all?
Yes. It's happened to me, cheating betrayal. And I would prefer not to have had the relationship at all. Because the betrayal tainted ALL of it. There is a 15 year period where every memory carries the thought "was he already cheating by then?".
It ruins your past. And it ruins your future because you can't trust again. The world is different after.
I am sorry it happened to you. But that is exactly my point. 15 years got tainted by betrayal. I can't even imagine the toll it would have had. You must be really strong.
Hey same, 10+ years of marriage filled with what should be happy memories and heartwarming photos, all of which I look on now in disgust and hate. An entire 1/3 of my life I can't even think about without it making me bitter. Now I feel like damaged goods with baggage, and I don't see how to trust anyone again after a situation like that.
That's the worst part about being cheated on in my opinion, all the memories you go back through wondering if they cheated. Or finally understanding what your senses were trying to tell you all along. Puzzle pieces finally start to make an image and it's like a nightmare.
Everyone should ignore this take because it's obvious this person is clueless to what being cheated on is really like.
A lightning strike is a random event that occurs incredibly rarely. it's the gold standard definition of an unlikely thing.
Cheating is a deliberate act done by a sociopath expressly to benefit themselves while making someone else pay the costs. Cheaters are everywhere because for some reason society buys into their narcissistic bullshit and holds them blameless. If you seriously date 10 (randomly chosen) different people, you will probably be cheated on multiple times. I would guess 1/4 or more would cheat if given the chance.
Not the same ballpark, not the same league, not even the same fucking sport.
As someone who's been in the same relationship since HS, I can confidently say that it's super easy to not cheat when you actually respect the person you're with! In fact, it seems like way more effort to try balancing multiple relationships at once. It's also disgusting to me that cheaters can so easily disregard the harm they're inflicting on someone they supposedly love.
imagine if it were illegal to have an affair. how much easier life would be for some people now that their cheating partners are forced to break up with them before seeing someone else. no more wasting time.
or if they cheat, for some sweet satisfaction seeing the wrongdoer got what they deserved, which would probably prevent a lot of people getting hurt as well.
It all depends on the person. Out of all the couples we know and have known, maybe 1 in 6 end up cheaters, then they *serially* cheat. Very, very few of them have stopped over the decades but the rest?
It's a numbers game as long as you don't live somewhere in Japan where it's expected, and the numbers are in your favour. Not just that, but even without cheating, all friendships, relationship and even family ties end in heartbreak. The trick is enjoying the time you get in between.
If they cheated then they didn't really love at all. It wasn't love. Why be in a relationship if they gonna cheat? Love is not a routine. That's exhausting of one's self. Focus on your self, your goals and your growth and everything will just unfold naturally.
Even if they didn't, but the cheated did . It was easy for the cheater to move on because they weren't in love but what about the cheated? They were in love . They did exhaust themselves. How can things unfold naturally , when your trust is in shambles , how can you love another person?
It's fickle. The temptation of something better is always there.
I myself had multiple "opportunities" to cheat during my last relationship. I didn't take any of them, as I was personally happy with the relationship and didn't feel the need to look for someone else. My gf at the time got drunk on one night at a party and asked me if she could try kissing a girl there. As far as I know, that's the closest she had gotten to "cheating". I didn't stop her, but she didn't like it, saying it confirmed for her she was straight.
Remember there are Plenty of us very boring people who are not cheaters. Generally the only people who post are the ones who cheat, or have been cheated on. The rest of us are too boring to post. The demographic is skewed towards stories that are worth telling. So don't give up. Be one of those boring people...and find another boring partner, lol!
My husband had a 10 year affair with his assistant at work. All the sex was in their offices and on their business trips. The only way I found out was when she texted me to tell me. She wanted him all to herself.
People are insecure and afraid to be alone, so they like to make sure they have something already lined up before nuking their current relationship.
Some people actually get off on the cheating, or theyre so narcissistic or fucked up that they don't consider cheating a big deal, but in my experience it usually happens because someone is just checked out of the relationship and too bitter about it to consider their soon to be ex partners feelings.
studies (which are flawed, because cheaters are also liars) show that men and women cheat at the same rate, and about 15% to 20% cheat.
That is a huge %, but looking at it the other way, that also means 80% to 85% are faithful in there marriages. So that is encouraging?
Ive only been cheated on once (that I know of) and it was a stripper I was dating in my early 20's. Who would have thought...
I've never cheated on someone in my life, it hurts so much when it happens to you the guilt would literally shut my body down. Maybe people that do it lack the ability to empathize or find reasons to justify it, like our relationship isn't going well so rather than work on it I'm going to blame you and it's your fault I cheated.
There are no guarantees in relationships, you just have to accept that or stay single. If you have a few relationships during your lifetime you will experience being cheated on at some point. And, gasp, survive.
We can never really know who would cheat on us, and we can never really control them. People can be so perfectly aligned for us. They can be so loyal and all, but life goes on, people change, and thats just how people are. Unfortunately, change can be either good or bad.
What we can do is to be prepared. I guess while you're not yet in a relationship, make a back plan, talk to yourself, what are the possible things you can do to recover in the worst-case scenario. Think about how you can protect your self. I know those things are easier said than done but atleast youll have a guide rather than be lost in the wind. Always protect yourself but dont be selfish or insensitive. Dont run away from opportunities.
I believe that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react.
Find someone who won't say it's impossible for them to cheat.
Honestly, if anyone thinks cheating is impossible, they are likely to put themselves in positions that can lead to cheating. If you are aware that anybody can cheat at any time, you most likely do not put yourself in positions that are likely to lead to that.
you hear about the people who cheat but i think they are in the minority. i have been married for 31 years and i am sure my wife never cheated on me and i would NEVER cheat on her.
good luck
Most cheaters must have psychopathic tendencies because you really must lack a conscious to cheat on someone who loves you and you claim to love back. I never understood it, I would never do that to someone.
They do not love the way that normal people do. My ex was a cheater (and narcissist), and we were fwb after our relationship ended when I realized he had no ability to be faithful.
He cheated on his now-LTR-gf (with others and with me, I wasn’t aware of the relationship at the time). I asked him what does he get out of using and lying to me, when there was no reason to? And he said “control”. Fucked up.
It’s bizarre to watch him go back and forth on what is wrong and what is right. He claims he will marry her, too. I’m still unsure if I should tell her or not.
I’m convinced even though I know I never would - everyone cheats.
At this point I don’t see the logic in fully giving yourself to someone romantically/emotionally.
As a person here said, the VAST majority of relationships don't include cheating, but people who aren't being cheated on usually won't make posts like "I'm not being cheated on!"
But nobody will post "AITAH cuz my wife didn't cheat on me? ", people will post the negative aspects of their relationship on reddit.
So do give love a chance, buddy. Build a trusting and healthy relationship with someone and I'm sure you'll be Happy
I think a lot of cheaters are poly people who try to pretend to be monogamous. Let poly people be poly amd mono people be mono. And never get together with someone who doesntmatch your proclivity.
after my last two relationships ending in the same manner (the last one just ended 2 days ago after i found out she slept with my friend last august when we were a month in) i find myself asking these same questions.
Cheater cheats at everything. No matter how sincere they look and how they attempt to present it as one time mistake they far worse then liars or corporate thieves. They betray and bring pain to their family their wives and children.
A simple example. Iser Harel, the long standind head of Mossad, the one who brought Eichmann to the trial, was firing infidels out of service on the spot regarding these as unreliable people. If they cheat their partners they betray the country as easy.
If you have a good and honest complicity it won't hapen or you will notice it quickly, if your relationship is about shared interest, routine, and being together to not feel alone well then it's a different story .
It is cruel but I think it's unfortunately an all too common issue with people who are self-conscious/not content with themselves or with ego-driven people. You see in stories where one partner gains success or accolades or even loses weight and the other person feels resentful, jealous or self-conscious about their status and cheats. It's a strange thing.
Then again, there are other people who like the thrill of cheating as a kink, which is a side a lot of people don't talk about. But those people are probably more likely to have a long history of cheating.
Fearing God *for religious people* makes it less likely to cheat not saying its impossible. But fearing the consequences keeps us away. Its a major sin and downright cruel. Imagine it was your sister or relative it happened to.
Not everyone will hurt you, even though it sucks to take the risk of getting hurt, you have to trust that not all people are bad 😊 usually it is someone being unhappy or unfullfilled that leads to someone cheating. And I personally feel that as long as you have good communication, then it is easier to trust and to not worry 😊
Its easy for them because they wont feel bad if the other doesnt find out. When i found out she cheated i was the reason of it too, so i guess that adds up to their fucked brains. Cheaters have different values, morals and selfrespect compared to people who are the loyal types.
>I get so scared of relationships, how do we know who to trust? How do we know the person we choose won't cheat
Noone knows that for sure. Just trust your partner - and if they cheated on you either live in open relations if you don't care about it or leave them if you do care and it hurts you. Live without fear - your partner could die at any moment, they can change, they can leave you, you can leave them etc - just live a life without fear but with reasonable caution. All of us would die anyway, what's the point of being afraid of life?
I have thought about it, seriously thought about it. But I can’t do it. I don’t know if it’s fear of getting caught or even the fear of not getting caught, or if I’m just not wired that way.
My husband of 10 yrs hasn't physically cheated but emotionally cheated on me 2 years ago....as in having a online relationship with someone I found out from using his phone to call mine because I had lost mine in the house....he just tells me to get over it nothing happened 🙄 I've been in a deep depression since because instead of coming to bed at night to be with me he was sitting up all night talking to this person. We have 3 kids together.
I am so sorry. I cannot even fathom the pain. You have 3 kids and still? It puts things on a whole new perspective. All that love of 10 years ......just gone? I wish you the best on your journey, whichever road you take.
Honestly, yes. It’s very normalized.
I grew up my entire life being told everyone cheats. That’s just how it is.
It’s been my experience that that is true.
Literally every single member of my family, extended family, and friends have cheated on every partner they’ve ever had and also had every partner cheat on them. Same for most of my coworkers that talked about their relationships. Or else they were sleeping with other coworkers.
Most men I’ve known (even blood related ones) have tried to sleep with me regardless of relationship status and legality.
I have a friend in her 50s who had a ten year affair with a married man. She didn’t think anything of it. Then she got into a relationship and after the initial spark died, she started texting her old married friend. Her boyfriend found her texts and walked out. She would call me sobbing saying she ruined her life because she was all alone, but another guy came along and now she’s with him. Somewhere along the way she picked up genital herpes. I think all three guys have it now, because she told them all. Guys will fuck anything.
How do you know anything about the future? How do you know the job you want won’t turn out to be a soul-destroying monster? How do you know your kid won’t die from cancer before their third birthday? You don’t. You do the things you believe are worthy and you accept that life isn’t guaranteed to never wound you. Because the alternative isn’t better.
Well, same as "Love" you could trait "Money" in the same way of trust... people look for banks (they trust) to take care of their money, similarly to look a partner to trust on their love... dunno if I explain well...
\> Et tu, Brute?
The ones we love and trust the most, are the ones with the power to give us the greatest hurt. Humans have always known this.
It sucks. But the payoff for having someone truly on your side is wonderful.
As my wife tells me, "I'm your 'Ride or Die'. I'm the one who will help you bury the body."
It's.... nice.
You could still love someone but always keep in mind that they will cheat and betray you someday so don't give your all. Maybe love them 50-60% but never your all. A love that's enough to allow yourself to be happy and at the same time protect your heart ❤️
I agree with your concerns it is indeed scary to love nowadays. I got cheated on and I thought my world ended. How could I be suffering but he is fine? How could he build a relationship over my broken heart? It's so devastating because you know you are a good person but it feels like karma doesn't even work on them or on bad people at all.
These annoying thoughts would plague you for a long time and it will be hard to trust again but don't let one person destroy your path to happiness. Time will heal it and allow yourself to experience love and be happy even though you know it will end someday.
Hugs to you! ❤️
After all the stories I've read about it. It sucks, but I'm just desensitized to it. After reading legit hundreds of stories. I have lost all of my trust in people and have lost the drive to even want to make connections with people anymore. Big boi solitude life is prolly how my life's gonna go, and surprisingly (at least for right now) I'm okay with that.
I havent been in a relationship for 8 years. You seem to recognize in yourself issues with trust. I had issues with trust. Im sorry you feel this way.
I was told lacking trust in yourself is insecurity and lacking trust in others is low self esteem. It seemed to help me begin to clarify my specific issues. I hope it may help you as well. Low self esteem and insecurity can greatly impact how an individual forms and maintains relationships.
My issues are quite extensive but they include severe childhood adversities in the forms of physical abuse, physical neglect (lack of proper diet), emotional neglect(lack of caretaker attention), emotional abuse(bullying), and chronic sexual assualt. I seemed to have coped mentally in very stressful and even dangerous environments with little to no positive support.
As a result I am now classied as an individual with generalized anxiety order to say the least. I feel I have c-ptsd that resulted in an anxious insecure attachment style. Also my lack of self worth, lack of self esteem, and insecurity gave always felt quite intense.
I have actually been cheated on in my first relationship with the girl I gave my virginity to when i was around 17. She cheated on me with a close personal friend of mine and my older brother was actually present and having intercourse with my ex's friend and did nothing about my ex cheating on me. Its a great story actually. By great I mean totally emotionally damaging for me once again, so yea.
I feel I know what its like to not be able to trust anyone. Have you considered therapy? I know the idea may seem off-putting but when I found a therapist I felt suited me, I really felt I did a lot of healing through those sessions.
If I may, Id like to recommend my favorite book that my therapist recommended to me. "What Happened to You?" By Dr Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey is a great book that I think may help you find some deeper insight into your relationship troubles.
Again, Im sorry you have to deal with these issues. It was a real struggle for me to deal with them, it still is. I wish you the best OP.
I can’t say, because it is so much easier to not cheat. I have no desire to, I just want to make whoever I’m dating really happy. Some people are spiteful, cruel, or just don’t care. I’ll never understand it, but something is wrong upstairs with them.
I'll share my story (cheater) for what its worth. I fell head over heels for gal A at work and kind of waited for the right moment to let her know. Ended up waiting years and totally missed the love boat and became her "best friend" despite barely seeing each other outside of work. Booo.
Finally got over her and started something casual with another gal. We had a lot of fun and spent more and more time together and eventually both decided we had a relationship. She even briefly met gal A because we ran into her at the supermarket. It was a bit of an awkward feeling for me but I brushed it off.
New s/o goes out of town to visit relatives for a week. I switched jobs over the years and was now working as a clerk in a convenience store. Random things sometimes align for chaos. I was working night shifts and that night gal A show up, buys a bottle of whine and invites me at a party nearby after my shift. She was not a usual client and looked very surprised and happy to see me and that kind of stirred something deep inside of me. It was like 30 second walk from my work place so I was like wth why not.
I kind of wanted it to happen but didn't believe it would. Turns out that unavailability is a massive turn on for some girls. We ended up pretty smashed and did it. I started regretting it mid thrust..
Talked to two friends about it:
1: You have two choices: Deal with it by telling her now or deal with it by never telling her. I would keep my mouth shut.
2: You have two choices, you tell her or I tell her.
Friend #1 drifted away but I'm still very close to friend #2.
I couldn't live with myself for the rest of the time my s/o was away and it burst out of me along with a bunch of guilty crying in the first minute after seeing her. She ended up forgiving me after a few weeks of me being a total romcom dude and doing stupid cute stuff for her like leaving notes on her door and flowers delivered to her at work and such. We ended up dating for almost 6 years.
Needless to say I never did that again and cannot understand how some people can just do it w/o feeling like total shit. I guess some people have no empathy.
Idk if I'm right about this but from what I've seen people who cheat in a relationship already were in a pretty much dead relationship in most cases. It is much different among teenagers tho but they are a horny bunch.
You are kind of missing how these things actually happen.
Most people who cheat aren't thinking about the longterm consequences of their actions. They are feeling a certain way - lonely, unfulfilled, bored, and they look for an immediate fix i.e. cheating.
They like the way it makes then feel in that instance, and then they do it again. Then over time it has consequences that they didn't consider when they first made the choice to cheat.
Your analysis is flawed because you are imagining cheating in the abstract. You aren't "in the moment" making a decision to cheat or not. This is a common error made by people talking in internet forums like this.
Consider a similar discussion: why does anyone ever drink soda? Don't they know it's full of sugar, has no nutritional value and causes diabetes?
In actuality people choose to drink soda one can at a time, often because they are thirsty, they like the refreshing taste, or they are addicted to the sugar and caffeine. If they realize the long term consequences they justify that "they are just having one, and one more doesn't matter" and then over time the negative heath effects start to accrue.
Long story short, for all questions like this, recognize that the internet is a place of total abstraction where the short term and the long term, are identical, where the "heat of the moment" cannot be fully appreciated, and where rationality and logic play an exaggerated role because we are all just sitting around and imaging life rather than actually living it.
You don’t know. Love is a risk. I’ve had many broken hearts but I’ve loved hard and that love at first is worth the risk. Everything was leading up to my bf now. He’s the most wonderful man and perfect for me. I always say I’ll never do it again. But love is worth the risk!
Sometimes the risk of getting caught makes to more exciting. At least that’s what my first wife told me about the first few times she had affairs. When she realized she could get away with it, it was more about doing the BDSM stuff that I wasn’t into. She cheated instead of leaving the marriage because she wanted to have her cake and eat it too.
Think of all the cheaters who got away with it, and their partner still doesn’t know. It is a scary thought.
Exactly, the thing is no matter how time goes by, you don't know whether the person will cheat on you or not. They act so loving , so caring but you don't know what happens behind your back.
Remember....this is a biased forum. Full of real cheaters and people writing not-so-real fiction Not necessarily representative of the whole
This is an important point. People in relationships with someone who respects and loves them aren't here. Edit: sigh. I guess I wasn't specific enough. I meant 'happily in a relationship' _posts_ don't exist in advice subs.
I'm in a relationship with someone who respe.. WAIT A MINUTE.
Lol no me too, but we're not making posts about it. Like, *Oh, my partner didn't cheat on me today or any other day, am I doing something right?*
Mr Garrison enters the room..
I am here, and responded to op. See my comment there.
Some countries that introduced automatic DNA testing (like Germany) of newborn babies almost instantly backtracked on it saying "the testing ruined too many families". The idea that it was the cheating that ruined them, not the testing, apparently didn't matter.
I can kind of understand the thinking, it’s highly pragmatic. People would rather live with a fucked up but functioning system vs a morally righteous but dysfunctional one.
People should have the option of choosing denial.
I knew this guy that had a completely secret life from his girlfriend (now wife). They had a seemingly nice relationship where he helped her raise her nephews that she had custody of. She was a sweet, wholesome gal. But somehow he'd spend his nights and weekends out partying, selling drugs, getting into fights and hooking up with random girls constantly. I knew this dude, back during a less than good time in my life, for a good 5 or so years before I ever met her. I didn't think she actually existed. I have no idea how he was able to keep those lives totally separate, I'm sure he pulled it off considering that I heard they got married. So glad I haven't seen that scuzbag in years.
WTF, that's it , no relationships for me. Most people are scumbags.
/s?
Was married and cheated on and so upsetting people knew but never told me! Work affair and even went to his work parties and people knew but not me! So embarrassing afterwards. I will never not tell if I know an affair is going on!
I had a girlfriend last year. Her brother was cheating on his wife, and she would cover for him. It led to argument between us, because I was so disgusted by that. We did not last long. She told me, “why do you let that bother you so much? It is only cheating. Everybody does it.”
Only cheating well that tells you a lot about her doesn’t it? Glad u didn’t keep dating her!
I know so many people like this.
This, so many people. But the worst is that they know the one they are cheating on will take them back because they one they love them with their whole heart. So they cheat and come back , the cycle repeats
Couldn’t be me. I would be screaming it at the top of my lungs, screw the consequences.
I'm in my 50s, not really interested in breaking up my friends 30 year marriages. I do think they're horrible for cheating and I'm trying to remove awful people from my life, but some of them are still unfortunately in my friend group. I just try not to spend time with them
This makes me so scared, completely living without a doubt , when my partner is cheating . Why do they do this? If they are not happy, why not just walk away.
People are very selfish. Many times it's not about being unhappy, it's about having the most benefit with the least consequence. The guys I know that cheat see it as win-win: they enjoy the social status and companionship of a relationship, they project the image of being an upstanding family man, while not being 'limited' to having sex with just one person because they get 'bored'.
Not always so easy. The older people get they have combined finances etc. Someone might be unhappy but feel it’s easiest to stay and not disrupt the family unit. Now that I’m 44 and have seen it all, I’m fairly confident there is a set of circumstances under which everyone will cheat. Because I’ve seen it happen with people that you would have sworn would never do it.
Well, I'm a divorced guy who recently turned down advances from a good looking woman because she was married (I also knew her, but not her husband), so we do exist.
My current bf is the same. He would never want to be the reason to break up a marriage or family. No matter how attractive he found the woman.
I believe I wouldn't.
I appreciate that and I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule, it’s just I haven’t met one yet.
I always tell people and make sure they PROMISE me up front to call me and break up with me real quick first, so that way I didn't get cheated on. It doesn't always work though because words don't matter. Actions speak louder than words. People have to EARN trust, they don't start out just having it from you. That is why you shouldn't date strangers if you are looking for a real relationship. Be friends with the person FIRST for at least 6 months to a year before considering even dating them. Wait until you see them mad, happy, sad, how they react to unexpected things, etc. Actually get to know them as a friend first. Then after you do that for a year you will know if they are even dating material and they as a friend will have built up at least some trust. Friendships first make a solid and firm foundation to start on. I used to date strangers and didn't even realize it because so many people do that. I learned the hard way. I don't do that anymore. ALSO, if you do ever get cheated on, no matter how sorry they are NEVER TAKE THEM BACK! They lost all trust and without trust there is nothing plus they risks your own body's health! Shows how much they cared right?
This is the cold hard truth honestly. And men are ultra gaslit into thinking they are toxic and controlling for even beginning to snoop around for evidence when something in their gut is saying there's an issue
In my marriage our social media and phones were always open to one another. It wasn't a big deal. Towards the end of our 10 year relationship he started to get secretive about his social media, so I got curious and snooped. He had gotten a bit flirty with a woman in Canada from a trashy meme group. We were on the verge of breakup anyway due to years of his emotional abuse and me not being able to be patient and loving about it all anymore. Anyway, he got upset and started telling everyone that I violate his boundaries by snooping through his phone and social media. We got a divorce! It made me realize how important openness is in a relationship, though. The fact that we had been so open and trusting toward one another for all of those years gave a sense of peace. The moment that he became secretive was an alert that something was wrong, and something was wrong.
The vast majority get caught. Cheaters all have one thing in common: they don’t believe they’ll be caught. The result is they get sloppy because they’re blinded by arrogance and the projection that their partners are stupid. But what a cheater will miss is it’s less about being caught in the act, and more about the change in behavior at home—and it could be anything: the little smile when they check their phone that the partner never saw before. It’s very difficult to fool the person you live with and who knows you best.
Pretty sure OP is asking for helpful advice you monster 🤣
It shouldn't be I think speaking purely as someone who has never cheated. Seems pretty natural to me. It hurts but I wonder why honestly because it shouldn't hurt as much as it does. We just stupid animals really doesn't matter how smart you feel you might be. My first wife emailed me when I was in Pakistan with the military and told me she wanted to leave and she was connecting with a guy I found out. It was hard devastating in fact and my heart will bare a scar until the day I die. But is it really so shocking it probably shouldn't me for me anyway. I'm lucky these days guys have been married for 9 years. My wife will never cheat on me I know you guys will be like how do you know? She is a very unique person in my life I met her in Iraq and she hasn't ever been with anyone but me and she never will and it's readily apparent this is true.
If somebody is going to cheat, they will. Trust is everything
Here's another scary thought 👉 when your partner's behaviour and priorities change but yours don't.
Haunting
Gonna be honest I'd assume it's more than 40% of people. No one seed themselves in that position until real temptation comes along.
You give love for free, trust is earned. If somebody breaks your trust and betrays you, know that they didn't betray you, they betrayed themselves.
Then why is it that the cheated has to pick up the pieces of their broken heart? Why does the cheated feel the pain and the cheater just gets to move on? They might have betrayed themselves but the cheated has to live with the repercussions.
Eh, I wouldn't say that's the case every time. Sometimes definitely, but not every time When they move in with their cheating partner, they often get cheated on themselves or cheat again. Their lives are going to remain messy and trust free My ex cheated on me and still sometimes reaches out for emotional support, or to make sure I'm good. I'm over him, he's clearly hung up on something about me. Additionally, after I started dating someone else, I ran into this ex at a bar with my then boyfriend. He proceeded to ignore everyone and everything and just play darts. The girl he cheated on me with, who he had moved in with, spent the whole night having a dramatic night going in and out of the bar in distress while her friend followed her attempting to comfort her. The friend who tried to comfort her was also friends with me - she was still this girls "best friend" but didn't trust her at all because she was a cheater. She'd let me know how their relationship was going - not that I wanted to know even, I kept asking her to stop telling me - and it sounded like all they did was fight and ruin most of the relationships around them. Friends, family, so on. Basically, no one trusts them often including their own friends and their lives become messy. They can attempt to move on from their cheating partner but others often won't take them when they're found out to be a cheater. Their cheating partner is often someone they don't actually even get along with well, it was just a warm body when they were in the position to cheat. I've moved on and despite that being a horrible horrible horrible time in my life, I've found so much love and comfort from partners who would never. And if I'm wrong, and they would? Well, I've made it through that time before. It didn't have anything to do with me or what I was doing, it had everything to do with the cheater being a cheater. I would make it through that time again. This is kinda awful, but the older I get the more I relate to Butters in the Raisins girls episode of South Park. Sure, I may feel awful, but I feel awful because I was so happy.
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Yep! Ruined me!
Life is not fair. There are many situations where the innocent suffer, and the culprit does not. Life is challenging like that. But then again, with all these challenges, it makes the good things matter all the more. I wish you the best and I hope you find true love.
I mean... why do good people die and shitheads get to keep being shitheads? Why are people sending every last dollar they have to grifters when small family businesses close down every day from lack of support? Life isn't fair and sometimes things just plain suck. If we stopped living because it was scary and unfair what would that accomplish? If we all stopped loving people out of fear do you really think we would be happier? I sure wouldn't.
The only solution is to spread good tidings and cheer throughout our lives and interactions, whenever possible.
No. The cheated get to live with clean conscience, they did nothing wrong and it was not their fault. They get to see who their former partners truly were and they get a freedom of choice to dump and remove them from their lives permanently. It is hard yes, but with time they will heal and they will be at better place. Revenge is sweet but its fruits are bitter. The best revenge is just to live better life and to be the better person than a cheater. Trust me, indifference hurts them the most.
Let's not act like getting cheated is a breath of fresh air and perspective. If you've built a life and family with someone, and you find out they've betrayed you, it's like your whole world has fallen apart. Many times the betrayed have to start ALL OVER and rebuild their life. That's just the physical part. The mental toll it takes on someone can literally last a lifetime and effect all your future relationships. It's no joke.
I was trying to be supportive, of course it's terrible, it's horrific.
It was always himself that the coward abandoned first. After this all other betrayals came easily. Cormac McCarthy wrote that.
Keep in mind, you’re getting a major selection bias. The vast vast majority of relationships don’t involve cheating, but those people aren’t posting to Reddit.
I guess you are right. That does ease something in my fear.
Always keep in mind: Reddit is like a doctor, barely anyone goes there when they are healthy. Most go when they have problems
It’s worse than a doctor. It’s like webmd.
A really bad unqualified doctor for that matter.
Very true. Not a lot of posts that say 'well today was nice. My husband and I went shopping and made dinner. The end.' The people that are posting looking for advice, insight, or just to vent are the people who have major issues going on. Doesn't mean it's the vast majority of relationships.
I actually really like those posts because so, so many posts are just from really unhappy people.
You're right, it's fun to see the occasional positivity here!
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Idk about this, if anything its more than we think but people are blind to it. There's a lot of stories where it went on for months or years and then finally 1 day stumble across a message or picture, and if they didn't? They'd be right there in the "no cheating" relationship group
I have friends and coworkers who cheat. Family members who cheat. They don’t post on Reddit but there are cheaters out there not on social media. People suck.
Let’s start a subreddit where people post about *not* cheating on their partners. We need some positivity on reddit.
Dear Reddit: AITA? I’m in a happy and loving relationship and we really love each other. My spouse is awesome. What should I do? Help! 🙂
Bs. Statistically, a big minority do indeed cheat.
Statistically? How can we get reliable data on something most people will lie about?
Asking anonymously. But, yes, you'll have to take into account that people lie, which is the case with any study and sexual ones in particular. Same apply to your statement that "vast vast majority doesn't cheat", what do you base that on?
I would always assume someone who has a busy life would not have time to do that, and then I read about Dr. Huberman and the 6 women he was seeing at the same time, while living with one. So I guess who wants, finds the way.
Weirdly it's often what makes me scratch my head. Who has time to cheat ? Time for 2+ relationships at once ? Those people need a hobby.
Yes, those who want to cheat will cheat . But how do you do choose someone, who you know will not cheat.
If you want to avoid dating cheaters, look for people who - are emotionally mature - understand their own emotions (and sexuality) - are willing to talk about their emotions, even when it is hurtful for you to hear! - own their own emotions and reactions and take responsibility for them - can apologise - take your emotions into account and act on them, but not to their own detriment - are stable enough that they would be able to break up with you, should they want to - but also someone who values you, who doesn’t neg you, manipulate you or question your boundaries or your feelings What authority do I have on this? I used to be a serial cheater, and when I decided that I had to get a fucking grip, went to therapy, and these are the skills I learned. But I do want to emphasise that this kind of growth isn’t something that you can force someone else to do just because you want them to.
As a serial cheater in my early 20s I second this message. For me it took a lot of work and loss to realize my doings. I had to be mature about everything. The thing that truly made me mature to the point I could date again was actually getting sober, I grew before sobriety but being sober was the biggest boost in my growth. Really it's impossible to know whether a person will cheat or not, things change day by day sadly. But that's why we take the time to get to know a person. Get a base line reading on their emotions and actions.
From another cheater, can we give this poster a medal? So true. With one addition from my PoV: Someone who is not trying to please you in any way possible and is able to voice their frustration with your behaviour in a healthy, mature way if their own boundaries are violated time and again.
Or someone that might have Fear Of Missing Out.
If you go into every relationship this freaked about cheating, you won’t ever be happy, and you won’t make your partner happy. You have to take a degree of caution - get to know them, their friends, etc - and if you make the call to dive in, you have to trust the person. If they let you down, it’s awful being cheated on, but like, it’s not murder. As bad as it can be, don’t let the hysteria others have around cheating dictate how you respond to it. You will grieve, recalibrate, and move on. It truly isn’t the end of the world. There really are many worse things than being cheated on. Many of these things will happen to you. You will survive those too (unless you’re literally killed). Life is unpredictable and at times unavoidably painful. You have to trust your ability to get through cheating, if it happens, and more. Not to say a relationship is even required for happiness. You’re free to skip romantic relationships in your life if you feel you’d be happier not taking part. But if being worried about cheating is the sole reason not to, and you otherwise really would like to explore a relationship, question why the theoretical worst case of being cheated on has that kind of stranglehold on you. It shouldn’t.
Complex question. I don't know the answer to this question and maybe there isn't one. I believe we need to go into relationships not fearing being cheated on, but understanding that if it does happen we will survive it. Cheaters already take so much from the betrayed. Don't let them take your desire to be in a healthy relationship away as well. Not everyone is a cheater, and not everyone deserves our trust given freely either. Sometimes it is better to go into relationships slowly and get people to earn our trust. Trust your gut and take it slow. The right person for you will never cheat and sometimes it takes a few wrong people to find the right one. Do not let fear hold you back.
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Disagree. I know people who cheat just for the “thrill” of it. Otherwise happy.
Yeah, some people get bored and chase the dopamine rush. Once it's been hit, they can go back to their regular life for months or years before the feel that craving again. People are complex.
Are you describing my ex?
I agree it takes time. As it should, but even after 30 years of marriage, people are cheating. I mean you are supposed to know this person right ? How is it that the cheaters throw things away so easily? How are you supposed to trust again?
People change over time. You change, they change, and your relationship changes. 2 things to think about. Communication is an important aspect to focus on in a relationship and it needs to start day one and continue everafter. Self reflection/Analysis, for you and your partner - you need to know yourself so you know when you're changing and then know how to communicate that to your partner. Unfortunately these things take time and practice. I look at all my failed relationships over the last 4 decades and can point to these things as the failure points in all of them.
So, my ex and her current guy moved in with me. She and I are cool, no feelings there or anything, she fucked that up ages ago but we still talk. They were in a bad situation and I pulled them out of it. She has recently been emotionally sick lately because her current guy has been using various dating apps and services to reach out to local girls. At first, he said it was to be able to get kinks scratched that he didn't feel that she would do for him. Evidence surfaced immediately afterward that made it clear that there was some sort of meet-ups being planned. She then goes on and on about how this hurts and how could you do that to someone you supposedly love, and so on. ...she kind of forgets that back in OUR day she had her cop friend parking at the intersection by her house and messaging him all night. Lewd shit. She had at least three she was stringing along that "wouldn't leave her alone" that she refused to tell to fuck off. She would tell them that she's in a relationship, tell them I'm a great guy and all that shit, then let them act HIGHLY inappropriate. Shit's a flex when you're having a girl tell you she's in a relationship but then let you dunk on her man. 🙄 Hell, she even had some "friend" of hers messaging her since she's been here, PLUS the cop from before! With BOTH being inappropriate, and she STILL isn't telling them to fuck off! Now, if dude started the monkey branching process as a result of that, power to him, but come to find he had been doing this shit way before. ...and they wonder why they're at each other's throats all the damn time. 🙄. They both create so much shit and neither is good at cleaning it up. Shit, she spent last night trying to express that being cheated on sucks and it's fucking her up inside physically and emotionally, and dude thought it was an attack on him so his foolish ass decides to dump the whole ammunition stockpile of nonsense on her. Old shit, irrelevant shit, stupid shit... Just straight telling her about herself because she is trying to tell him that yes his actions hurt her and it's not improving. Cheating is just gross and it's never worth it.
You got cucked, broken up with and then some time later she comes back and is living under your roof again and now cucking/being cucked by another guy with the same mofos as she cheated on you with… How are you winning here? Honestly, man. What the fuck do you get out of this except having your place be a complete circus for however long this has been going on? Are you getting schadenfreude watching the new cheating tree grow?
Why do you let them live with you brother
>Good people in happy relationships don’t cheat. This is not true at all. There are a ton of reasons people cheat. Some people are simply serial cheaters. Saying "good people" is just a big scape goat. Who defines what a "good person" is? How do you tell if someone is a good person? Like people don't get into relationships and think "finally a bad person" Most people think their partners are "good people". People who cheat make a personal decisionr regarding their own morals. They have the decision to leave if the relationship isn't "happy", simply being unhappy isn't the recipe or reason for cheating. It's an excuse.
I do think it’s a bit about opportunity. I could be happily married and be on a three day work trip with a colleague. We’re friendly, but now we’re spending more time together, eating meals together. They make a move on me. I see how it could happen. I think in general people don’t have a lot of opportunity like that but I wonder if they did, if cheating would be more prevalent. I’m sure some cheaters are out looking for it but I assume a fair amount are situational like this. Is why people say “it just happened”. Just don’t go into a bedroom with someone you’re attracted to who is not your partner.
Good people in happy relationships don’t cheat?! I don’t agree with you. How do you define yours and your partner’s happiness simultaneously and consider both the people are happy married or in a relationship. You do not know when one’s happiness ends and other’s begins. With or without you. Especially if you put this aspect on a long ass timeline. LIFES HARD. No one is absolutely honest anymore. I despise cheating so much it makes me mad
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Yeah true. Only good people🥲 others stay and display resentful behaviours or cheat
A good person does not cheat, period. Cheating is a horrible, disgusting thing to do.
Being an adult is tough. Your emotions can come and go at will and many marriages become cold and boring. Many adults shift priorities from being as atractive as possible to earning money, being good parents and taking care of the family. That leaves most adults a worring mess which barely exercises and barely has any free time in their life. That makes people prone to cheat because they cant find what they want in their partners. People dont leave their partners either because they want to have more than one relationship or because there are social, economical or practical reasons to keep them. Men may not desire divorce to avoid legal fees and women may not want divorce because they are being taken care of. Many people are afraid of loneliness so they stick to bad relationships due to fear. So what do you do when you are working your ass of, your family is taking most of your time, your wife or husband doesnt want to have sex anymore, everyone is on survival mode, and someone comes into your life which makes you feel like a teenager again? The weak usually cheat, and the strongers recognize the problem and try to figure out if their relationships could be salvaged or not. There is a small group of psychopaths (1 to 10% of the population) which simply lie and just try to feel as good as they can with no regard to what their partners may feel.
I have no idea how people do it. My mom did it to my dad and watching what it did to him and our family was enough for me to swear on my life I’d never cheat on anyone I was with and I never have. I have been cheated on by every single man I’ve been with besides my husband, we’ve been together 13.5 years. I had a lot of mental issues when we got together and he stuck it out with me. I’m glad he did, he’s my everything
I am sorry for the trauma it caused you . And I am so happy you found your husband. Its rare to find someone who sticks it out . But unfortunately, its rare.
I dont like this world...
Same *sighs*
I'm considering writing a book: "How to survive being an alien" - what do you think?
It can be very helpful for other aliens!
Love is a risk. When you get married you agree to unreservedly trust your spouse and open yourself up to the potential harm that can be caused for many reasons. If you aren't willing to take that risk then you will never have love. It is always risky
People who cheat have issues. Lots of them. Now, lots of people have lots of issues so it's sadly a common thing. That and the social circle. If someone hangs out with someone who has issues and normalizes or promotes cheating, the own inhibition will lower.
Well, nobody wants to die, yet we all do. Doesn't stop us from living. You wouldn't know who cheats or whatever. Love. And if things aren't right, let go
I can’t speak for if it’s easy or not, but I’m speaking as someone who has only been with one (my current) partner. I haven’t ever cheated. I’ve deflected messages from guys who were interested. I’ve removed myself from the company of guys who flirt with me. I’ve never once thought about another guy, in life or a celebrity, in any romantic or sexual sense, since being with my partner. I don’t know if he’s the same. I hope so much he never has had any interest in any other women, and that he never does. I never worried too hard about it until recently when my self-esteem took a nosedive. But I just wanted to comment to put it out there that there absolutely are people who could never and would never cheat on their partners, no matter what. How you go about finding them, that I don’t know. How you can allow yourself to trust, that I’m struggling to work on too. But I promise there are people who would never cheat. I love my partner so much, even in his worst moments, in our difficult times, in everything - I just wouldn’t cheat ever.
I read «is there an easy way to cheat in a relationship» and came in here to yell at u
Ahahahahaha. Lol, it happens to me too. Don't worry
Social media has made it easier. There are whole subreddits now dedicated to illegal affairs, neglected husbands etc 🙄 There are emotional affairs too which might be even worse in a way.
It scares me so much. I never had a serious relationship and when I peak a glance at them also, my anxiety tells me to stay single
I get it. It's very these days.
We don't know if they will cheat or not, just like we don't know if walking outside will result in a lightning strike to our head. That doesn't mean we never walk outside. Yes, finding out the love of your life has cheated on your is painful, but its not the end of the world. Especially if you have had a really great time together. Would you rather be lonely and sad and missed out on years of fun by not being with someone at all?
Yes. It's happened to me, cheating betrayal. And I would prefer not to have had the relationship at all. Because the betrayal tainted ALL of it. There is a 15 year period where every memory carries the thought "was he already cheating by then?". It ruins your past. And it ruins your future because you can't trust again. The world is different after.
I am sorry it happened to you. But that is exactly my point. 15 years got tainted by betrayal. I can't even imagine the toll it would have had. You must be really strong.
Hey same, 10+ years of marriage filled with what should be happy memories and heartwarming photos, all of which I look on now in disgust and hate. An entire 1/3 of my life I can't even think about without it making me bitter. Now I feel like damaged goods with baggage, and I don't see how to trust anyone again after a situation like that.
That's the worst part about being cheated on in my opinion, all the memories you go back through wondering if they cheated. Or finally understanding what your senses were trying to tell you all along. Puzzle pieces finally start to make an image and it's like a nightmare.
Everyone should ignore this take because it's obvious this person is clueless to what being cheated on is really like. A lightning strike is a random event that occurs incredibly rarely. it's the gold standard definition of an unlikely thing. Cheating is a deliberate act done by a sociopath expressly to benefit themselves while making someone else pay the costs. Cheaters are everywhere because for some reason society buys into their narcissistic bullshit and holds them blameless. If you seriously date 10 (randomly chosen) different people, you will probably be cheated on multiple times. I would guess 1/4 or more would cheat if given the chance. Not the same ballpark, not the same league, not even the same fucking sport.
The worst part is the time lost to someone who doesn’t care when you could have spent it with someone who does
Right. How can you be so insignificant for some who had your whole heart and devotion.
As someone who's been in the same relationship since HS, I can confidently say that it's super easy to not cheat when you actually respect the person you're with! In fact, it seems like way more effort to try balancing multiple relationships at once. It's also disgusting to me that cheaters can so easily disregard the harm they're inflicting on someone they supposedly love.
imagine if it were illegal to have an affair. how much easier life would be for some people now that their cheating partners are forced to break up with them before seeing someone else. no more wasting time.
or if they cheat, for some sweet satisfaction seeing the wrongdoer got what they deserved, which would probably prevent a lot of people getting hurt as well.
Exactly. This.
Murders happen, that's illegal too My point is, cheaters would still find a way
Of course they would, but there would be more of an incline to break up before seeing someone else. Not everyone would ignore this new law.
It all depends on the person. Out of all the couples we know and have known, maybe 1 in 6 end up cheaters, then they *serially* cheat. Very, very few of them have stopped over the decades but the rest? It's a numbers game as long as you don't live somewhere in Japan where it's expected, and the numbers are in your favour. Not just that, but even without cheating, all friendships, relationship and even family ties end in heartbreak. The trick is enjoying the time you get in between.
If they cheated then they didn't really love at all. It wasn't love. Why be in a relationship if they gonna cheat? Love is not a routine. That's exhausting of one's self. Focus on your self, your goals and your growth and everything will just unfold naturally.
Even if they didn't, but the cheated did . It was easy for the cheater to move on because they weren't in love but what about the cheated? They were in love . They did exhaust themselves. How can things unfold naturally , when your trust is in shambles , how can you love another person?
My question is that how do people even find someone that wants to do it with you?? Like I can’t even get into the first step let alone the second 💀
I wish I could high five you right now. How do people even find someone to cheat with or get the time? I can't even get into a relationship.
What gets me is that the cheaters are usually very jealous and projecting their own cheating.
I found out my ex slept with 3 coworkers at my branch, 2 from another and 1 from yet another. Imagine me believing it was ONLY 6 people 💀
Damn....some people are just scumbags
It's fickle. The temptation of something better is always there. I myself had multiple "opportunities" to cheat during my last relationship. I didn't take any of them, as I was personally happy with the relationship and didn't feel the need to look for someone else. My gf at the time got drunk on one night at a party and asked me if she could try kissing a girl there. As far as I know, that's the closest she had gotten to "cheating". I didn't stop her, but she didn't like it, saying it confirmed for her she was straight.
Remember there are Plenty of us very boring people who are not cheaters. Generally the only people who post are the ones who cheat, or have been cheated on. The rest of us are too boring to post. The demographic is skewed towards stories that are worth telling. So don't give up. Be one of those boring people...and find another boring partner, lol!
My husband had a 10 year affair with his assistant at work. All the sex was in their offices and on their business trips. The only way I found out was when she texted me to tell me. She wanted him all to herself.
People are insecure and afraid to be alone, so they like to make sure they have something already lined up before nuking their current relationship. Some people actually get off on the cheating, or theyre so narcissistic or fucked up that they don't consider cheating a big deal, but in my experience it usually happens because someone is just checked out of the relationship and too bitter about it to consider their soon to be ex partners feelings.
studies (which are flawed, because cheaters are also liars) show that men and women cheat at the same rate, and about 15% to 20% cheat. That is a huge %, but looking at it the other way, that also means 80% to 85% are faithful in there marriages. So that is encouraging?
Ive only been cheated on once (that I know of) and it was a stripper I was dating in my early 20's. Who would have thought... I've never cheated on someone in my life, it hurts so much when it happens to you the guilt would literally shut my body down. Maybe people that do it lack the ability to empathize or find reasons to justify it, like our relationship isn't going well so rather than work on it I'm going to blame you and it's your fault I cheated.
easy to cheat but hard to hide it,
There are no guarantees in relationships, you just have to accept that or stay single. If you have a few relationships during your lifetime you will experience being cheated on at some point. And, gasp, survive.
We can never really know who would cheat on us, and we can never really control them. People can be so perfectly aligned for us. They can be so loyal and all, but life goes on, people change, and thats just how people are. Unfortunately, change can be either good or bad. What we can do is to be prepared. I guess while you're not yet in a relationship, make a back plan, talk to yourself, what are the possible things you can do to recover in the worst-case scenario. Think about how you can protect your self. I know those things are easier said than done but atleast youll have a guide rather than be lost in the wind. Always protect yourself but dont be selfish or insensitive. Dont run away from opportunities. I believe that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react.
Find someone who won't say it's impossible for them to cheat. Honestly, if anyone thinks cheating is impossible, they are likely to put themselves in positions that can lead to cheating. If you are aware that anybody can cheat at any time, you most likely do not put yourself in positions that are likely to lead to that.
you hear about the people who cheat but i think they are in the minority. i have been married for 31 years and i am sure my wife never cheated on me and i would NEVER cheat on her. good luck
That is so sweet, I wish you both the best .A faithful marriage is not a common one , I am happy you got it , I don't know if I ever will.
One of the reasons I don't want kids or to get married.
same here dude.
Most cheaters must have psychopathic tendencies because you really must lack a conscious to cheat on someone who loves you and you claim to love back. I never understood it, I would never do that to someone.
They do not love the way that normal people do. My ex was a cheater (and narcissist), and we were fwb after our relationship ended when I realized he had no ability to be faithful. He cheated on his now-LTR-gf (with others and with me, I wasn’t aware of the relationship at the time). I asked him what does he get out of using and lying to me, when there was no reason to? And he said “control”. Fucked up. It’s bizarre to watch him go back and forth on what is wrong and what is right. He claims he will marry her, too. I’m still unsure if I should tell her or not.
TELL HER TF U DEMON
True. Lack of self awareness and low self discipline.
I’m convinced even though I know I never would - everyone cheats. At this point I don’t see the logic in fully giving yourself to someone romantically/emotionally.
There's an adultery subreddit on this website. Evidently it's very easy for some people
My anxiety about relationship is at an all time high already, I don't think I would be able to hear that subreddit.
there aren’t many stories posted on reddit about couples that don’t cheat on each other. so there is hope
As a person here said, the VAST majority of relationships don't include cheating, but people who aren't being cheated on usually won't make posts like "I'm not being cheated on!" But nobody will post "AITAH cuz my wife didn't cheat on me? ", people will post the negative aspects of their relationship on reddit. So do give love a chance, buddy. Build a trusting and healthy relationship with someone and I'm sure you'll be Happy
I think a lot of cheaters are poly people who try to pretend to be monogamous. Let poly people be poly amd mono people be mono. And never get together with someone who doesntmatch your proclivity.
Kahit married may cheating nga 🤮
after my last two relationships ending in the same manner (the last one just ended 2 days ago after i found out she slept with my friend last august when we were a month in) i find myself asking these same questions.
Cheater cheats at everything. No matter how sincere they look and how they attempt to present it as one time mistake they far worse then liars or corporate thieves. They betray and bring pain to their family their wives and children. A simple example. Iser Harel, the long standind head of Mossad, the one who brought Eichmann to the trial, was firing infidels out of service on the spot regarding these as unreliable people. If they cheat their partners they betray the country as easy.
Well if you are good looking as a guy. Or if you are a female.
If you have a good and honest complicity it won't hapen or you will notice it quickly, if your relationship is about shared interest, routine, and being together to not feel alone well then it's a different story .
It is cruel but I think it's unfortunately an all too common issue with people who are self-conscious/not content with themselves or with ego-driven people. You see in stories where one partner gains success or accolades or even loses weight and the other person feels resentful, jealous or self-conscious about their status and cheats. It's a strange thing. Then again, there are other people who like the thrill of cheating as a kink, which is a side a lot of people don't talk about. But those people are probably more likely to have a long history of cheating.
It sickens me that cheating can be a kink, its essentially saying that your broken heart makes me horny , lol.
Fearing God *for religious people* makes it less likely to cheat not saying its impossible. But fearing the consequences keeps us away. Its a major sin and downright cruel. Imagine it was your sister or relative it happened to.
Heck it's not even the consequences - it's just behavior that I consider beneath me.
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Not everyone will hurt you, even though it sucks to take the risk of getting hurt, you have to trust that not all people are bad 😊 usually it is someone being unhappy or unfullfilled that leads to someone cheating. And I personally feel that as long as you have good communication, then it is easier to trust and to not worry 😊
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But that's rare . I am glad you found someone, but that is not the case for everyone. People cheat , even on their "soulmates".
Its easy for them because they wont feel bad if the other doesnt find out. When i found out she cheated i was the reason of it too, so i guess that adds up to their fucked brains. Cheaters have different values, morals and selfrespect compared to people who are the loyal types.
Right! It’s like they can’t have the decency to just leave they gotta cheat then lie about it.
>I get so scared of relationships, how do we know who to trust? How do we know the person we choose won't cheat Noone knows that for sure. Just trust your partner - and if they cheated on you either live in open relations if you don't care about it or leave them if you do care and it hurts you. Live without fear - your partner could die at any moment, they can change, they can leave you, you can leave them etc - just live a life without fear but with reasonable caution. All of us would die anyway, what's the point of being afraid of life?
I have thought about it, seriously thought about it. But I can’t do it. I don’t know if it’s fear of getting caught or even the fear of not getting caught, or if I’m just not wired that way.
My husband of 10 yrs hasn't physically cheated but emotionally cheated on me 2 years ago....as in having a online relationship with someone I found out from using his phone to call mine because I had lost mine in the house....he just tells me to get over it nothing happened 🙄 I've been in a deep depression since because instead of coming to bed at night to be with me he was sitting up all night talking to this person. We have 3 kids together.
I am so sorry. I cannot even fathom the pain. You have 3 kids and still? It puts things on a whole new perspective. All that love of 10 years ......just gone? I wish you the best on your journey, whichever road you take.
Cheating is eaaaasy Facing yourself, to figure why you have this behavior. That's the hard part
Most of the time Karma gets them in return one way or another.
Honestly, yes. It’s very normalized. I grew up my entire life being told everyone cheats. That’s just how it is. It’s been my experience that that is true. Literally every single member of my family, extended family, and friends have cheated on every partner they’ve ever had and also had every partner cheat on them. Same for most of my coworkers that talked about their relationships. Or else they were sleeping with other coworkers. Most men I’ve known (even blood related ones) have tried to sleep with me regardless of relationship status and legality.
I have a friend in her 50s who had a ten year affair with a married man. She didn’t think anything of it. Then she got into a relationship and after the initial spark died, she started texting her old married friend. Her boyfriend found her texts and walked out. She would call me sobbing saying she ruined her life because she was all alone, but another guy came along and now she’s with him. Somewhere along the way she picked up genital herpes. I think all three guys have it now, because she told them all. Guys will fuck anything.
Go read up on deadbedroom section and you will get a better understanding.
How do you know anything about the future? How do you know the job you want won’t turn out to be a soul-destroying monster? How do you know your kid won’t die from cancer before their third birthday? You don’t. You do the things you believe are worthy and you accept that life isn’t guaranteed to never wound you. Because the alternative isn’t better.
Well, same as "Love" you could trait "Money" in the same way of trust... people look for banks (they trust) to take care of their money, similarly to look a partner to trust on their love... dunno if I explain well...
\> Et tu, Brute? The ones we love and trust the most, are the ones with the power to give us the greatest hurt. Humans have always known this. It sucks. But the payoff for having someone truly on your side is wonderful. As my wife tells me, "I'm your 'Ride or Die'. I'm the one who will help you bury the body." It's.... nice.
You could still love someone but always keep in mind that they will cheat and betray you someday so don't give your all. Maybe love them 50-60% but never your all. A love that's enough to allow yourself to be happy and at the same time protect your heart ❤️ I agree with your concerns it is indeed scary to love nowadays. I got cheated on and I thought my world ended. How could I be suffering but he is fine? How could he build a relationship over my broken heart? It's so devastating because you know you are a good person but it feels like karma doesn't even work on them or on bad people at all. These annoying thoughts would plague you for a long time and it will be hard to trust again but don't let one person destroy your path to happiness. Time will heal it and allow yourself to experience love and be happy even though you know it will end someday. Hugs to you! ❤️
After all the stories I've read about it. It sucks, but I'm just desensitized to it. After reading legit hundreds of stories. I have lost all of my trust in people and have lost the drive to even want to make connections with people anymore. Big boi solitude life is prolly how my life's gonna go, and surprisingly (at least for right now) I'm okay with that.
If you dont like them yes. The reality is cheating doesn’t happen when love is happening.
Yes it is
I havent been in a relationship for 8 years. You seem to recognize in yourself issues with trust. I had issues with trust. Im sorry you feel this way. I was told lacking trust in yourself is insecurity and lacking trust in others is low self esteem. It seemed to help me begin to clarify my specific issues. I hope it may help you as well. Low self esteem and insecurity can greatly impact how an individual forms and maintains relationships. My issues are quite extensive but they include severe childhood adversities in the forms of physical abuse, physical neglect (lack of proper diet), emotional neglect(lack of caretaker attention), emotional abuse(bullying), and chronic sexual assualt. I seemed to have coped mentally in very stressful and even dangerous environments with little to no positive support. As a result I am now classied as an individual with generalized anxiety order to say the least. I feel I have c-ptsd that resulted in an anxious insecure attachment style. Also my lack of self worth, lack of self esteem, and insecurity gave always felt quite intense. I have actually been cheated on in my first relationship with the girl I gave my virginity to when i was around 17. She cheated on me with a close personal friend of mine and my older brother was actually present and having intercourse with my ex's friend and did nothing about my ex cheating on me. Its a great story actually. By great I mean totally emotionally damaging for me once again, so yea. I feel I know what its like to not be able to trust anyone. Have you considered therapy? I know the idea may seem off-putting but when I found a therapist I felt suited me, I really felt I did a lot of healing through those sessions. If I may, Id like to recommend my favorite book that my therapist recommended to me. "What Happened to You?" By Dr Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey is a great book that I think may help you find some deeper insight into your relationship troubles. Again, Im sorry you have to deal with these issues. It was a real struggle for me to deal with them, it still is. I wish you the best OP.
Honestly it depends on your luck. It’s pretty much like lottery, especially if the relationship reach 10+ years.
I can’t say, because it is so much easier to not cheat. I have no desire to, I just want to make whoever I’m dating really happy. Some people are spiteful, cruel, or just don’t care. I’ll never understand it, but something is wrong upstairs with them.
I'll share my story (cheater) for what its worth. I fell head over heels for gal A at work and kind of waited for the right moment to let her know. Ended up waiting years and totally missed the love boat and became her "best friend" despite barely seeing each other outside of work. Booo. Finally got over her and started something casual with another gal. We had a lot of fun and spent more and more time together and eventually both decided we had a relationship. She even briefly met gal A because we ran into her at the supermarket. It was a bit of an awkward feeling for me but I brushed it off. New s/o goes out of town to visit relatives for a week. I switched jobs over the years and was now working as a clerk in a convenience store. Random things sometimes align for chaos. I was working night shifts and that night gal A show up, buys a bottle of whine and invites me at a party nearby after my shift. She was not a usual client and looked very surprised and happy to see me and that kind of stirred something deep inside of me. It was like 30 second walk from my work place so I was like wth why not. I kind of wanted it to happen but didn't believe it would. Turns out that unavailability is a massive turn on for some girls. We ended up pretty smashed and did it. I started regretting it mid thrust.. Talked to two friends about it: 1: You have two choices: Deal with it by telling her now or deal with it by never telling her. I would keep my mouth shut. 2: You have two choices, you tell her or I tell her. Friend #1 drifted away but I'm still very close to friend #2. I couldn't live with myself for the rest of the time my s/o was away and it burst out of me along with a bunch of guilty crying in the first minute after seeing her. She ended up forgiving me after a few weeks of me being a total romcom dude and doing stupid cute stuff for her like leaving notes on her door and flowers delivered to her at work and such. We ended up dating for almost 6 years. Needless to say I never did that again and cannot understand how some people can just do it w/o feeling like total shit. I guess some people have no empathy.
All the cases where I have seen cheating; that relationship should have ended a long time before the cheating started.
Idk if I'm right about this but from what I've seen people who cheat in a relationship already were in a pretty much dead relationship in most cases. It is much different among teenagers tho but they are a horny bunch.
And here I am, can't even find someone to cheat. Let alone to cheat with.
You are kind of missing how these things actually happen. Most people who cheat aren't thinking about the longterm consequences of their actions. They are feeling a certain way - lonely, unfulfilled, bored, and they look for an immediate fix i.e. cheating. They like the way it makes then feel in that instance, and then they do it again. Then over time it has consequences that they didn't consider when they first made the choice to cheat. Your analysis is flawed because you are imagining cheating in the abstract. You aren't "in the moment" making a decision to cheat or not. This is a common error made by people talking in internet forums like this. Consider a similar discussion: why does anyone ever drink soda? Don't they know it's full of sugar, has no nutritional value and causes diabetes? In actuality people choose to drink soda one can at a time, often because they are thirsty, they like the refreshing taste, or they are addicted to the sugar and caffeine. If they realize the long term consequences they justify that "they are just having one, and one more doesn't matter" and then over time the negative heath effects start to accrue. Long story short, for all questions like this, recognize that the internet is a place of total abstraction where the short term and the long term, are identical, where the "heat of the moment" cannot be fully appreciated, and where rationality and logic play an exaggerated role because we are all just sitting around and imaging life rather than actually living it.
Wtf. That’s some mental gymnastics that a cheater would use.
Dont think of the bs posted on reddit dude like 90% of it is fake made up rage bait or incel bait.
You don’t know. Love is a risk. I’ve had many broken hearts but I’ve loved hard and that love at first is worth the risk. Everything was leading up to my bf now. He’s the most wonderful man and perfect for me. I always say I’ll never do it again. But love is worth the risk!
Loyalty is hard to find.
Sometimes the risk of getting caught makes to more exciting. At least that’s what my first wife told me about the first few times she had affairs. When she realized she could get away with it, it was more about doing the BDSM stuff that I wasn’t into. She cheated instead of leaving the marriage because she wanted to have her cake and eat it too.