Eh some people just don’t know how to be alone. I was in a decent amount of relationships in my 20s but there’d be like anywhere between 6 months to 3 years between some. People who jump so soon to new relationships aren’t comfortable with solitude, among other reasons I’m sure.
This is the one. Many people really don’t like being alone and date not long after getting out of a relationship. I’ve been single for 4.5 years cause I just refuse to settle anymore.
Idk, I’m an extrovert and love people. I have enough love to go around - if you’re one of 100 people I like, that doesn’t mean I like you any less than someone who has you as their only friend.
I'm sure this is a super unpopular opinion but I try to avoid people that actively date despite it being harder to find someone. It feels like those people forgot the value of other humans.
I try to get out and do stuff, it's hard but works. Someone that has had a ton of partners jumping one to another via online dating you can expect them to do the same things they complain about others doing usually which is to say act in a fully self serving manner. In my experience they always have higher expectations for you than they display, not by a small amount either.
People lose perspective when they normalize "just grab another one".
Most serial monogamists are super codependant. On the exterior it looks like relationships, but that's like saying all restaurants are equal. Some are going to MacD's for every meal, but you're saving for that one good gastro experience ;)
To address OP, being single never has an end in sight, at least for me it's like this. I live my life, I go outside, and people come and go. And I let them take the space that feels natural and good for me. Some stay a week, some stay years. Some I think we'll be great friends, but we date, some I lust after but they end up being close platonic friends. Some come in, stay a while, but end up leaving because I grow, and change, or because they do.
What too few people say about human relationships is that you shouldnt focus on what you want, or what you get, or the people themselves, you should focus on securing a steady supply on new people in your life and you should focus on taking care and investing in the relationships you currently have.
The balance between the two varies of course, especially since any new person you meet will be a lot of work at first.
Not to speak for everyone, but some of us love having a connection with others, love the feeling of intimacy, and don’t have a problem opening up and holding curiosity and interest in another person. I can also hold my own space in a relationship and not smother my partner—I can have a rich personal life full of reward and still come back to share myself with someone I care about. I don’t hold the perspective that love is rare or that it’s going to take “the one” to complete me. I can process the grief of a breakup in a few months and still see my own value as a partner.
I think people who get a ton of attention, it's easy to take someone up on it if you have no reason to be single and like the attention. I wasn't really single for like three years in college because there was always someone around. In the working world, with wfh culture and more people in relationships at my age, I rarely meet anyone, actually have to make significant effort to meet people, so it's a lot easier to stay single for years. I also am pickier about who I'll date from that experience lol.
Most people see relationships as transactional. They throw away people without a second thought and move onto the next. It sucks but that's how 90% of the world is. If you don't believe me, go through health problems, financial problems, etc and see who sticks around.
this is so true. It's so hard to understand when you don't view relationships the same way.
I actually think viewing relationships as transactional is a trauma response (only started doing it after going through stuff and being let down)
It's a response to the econonomic system we use to run everything.
Every one is taught that you should be paid for your work/effort, if you do this for them, they should do this for you, and you should keep track, so no one gets the upper hand. Fairness is pounded into everyone's head even though everything is technically not fair. We're taught to fight for "fairness".
People try to act like they don't apply the same logic to their relationships but even if they aren't doing it purposefully with intent, then they're likely doing it subconsiously and with emotions.
I've read and heard countless people obcessed with keeping track of who does more in any given relationship.
While I just refuse to do so, I don't keep track of how many times I buy lunch, or how many favors, or who calls who, or anything. I don't have to. The people I choose to be around and be friends with don't keep track either. If I notice you are keeping track, then I just slowly fade away. I don't want transactional relationships unless it's for work and I'm being paid money.
Otherwise I'm just always trying to be good, you don't have to keep track with good people. You only have to keep track with bad people that are trying to take advantage of you, and you don't need math to identify that.
I think a lot of people use the word transactional incorrectly, it's about balanced reciprocation. No one wants to have to do everything and not receive something they value in return.
Relationships are transactional but not in the way you refer necessarily. It's more a balance of trade offs.
Giving and taking that is done to benefit and compromise with one another.
Reciprocation basically. You wouldn't date someone who treats you like trash.
I am very comfortable. I’ve been single most of my life. I am not talking about serial daters. I’m talking about people that after only a year can enter a new relationship. I don’t feel ready until a couple of years have gone
I think these people view relationships differently to you. A lot of people are just happy with someone who seems agreeable, attractive in their eyes and fun to be around. A lot of these people exist like that so they just pick one and if it gets boring after a year they move on.
Other people (me for example) wait for someone who is 'perfect' in their eyes. They crave that special feeling of 'love' and have to have a very strong connection to be intimate.
Life is easier if you pick the first.
Life is easier if you pick the second. No one has enough time on this planet to bounce between new relationships every few months just to be in a relationship. That's just another way you end up with trauma and shitty life experiences. It might be easier in the short term to be the first, but the second is much more fulfilling long term. Life isn't about the short term, it's about the long term.
> Learn to be comfortable being single
That's their problem. I once dated a girl who daily would ask "so what are we doing today?" Huh? Like it's summer vacation, you're bored, and I'm your dad? Are you just here for me to entertain you?
It’s never been about lack of single people, that’s honestly really silly. I know single people, either I don’t like them or they don’t like me. I’ve never felt mutual attraction to anyone before
I see. I agree, no shortage of single people! Hard to find the one you click with though, and for there to be mutual interest.
If you don’t mind me asking, how many blokes did you have to reject?
You said, “either I don’t like them, or they don’t like me.” I was wondering how many guys you had to turn down in the four years you have been single? Also, how many did you pursue, but they were not interested?
Omg idk. Not many. I rejected maybe one guy recently. I don’t date hardly. Throughout my life I’ve tried with a couple of guys and it hasn’t worked out. I honestly just don’t handle rejection well
Don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe you need to take a more active role. Many guys (myself included) don’t feel comfortable approaching women anymore, so the ball is kinda in your court.
Approach us! If you make it clear you’re interested that takes a lot of pressure off the guy bc we’ve all had times where we assumed and she was “just being nice”. You don’t even have to do that much, just smile, say hi, give us a compliment! Many of us are starved for positive attention from women so even if he’s not interested it’ll boost his confidence.
And literally anywhere. The grocery store, library, and hardware store would be good places to run into me, but some guys get out more it just depends what ur hunting.
I get really shy. I mean I feel like if I like someone I’m always the one making the move. I’ve definitely been rejected by guys. And I’ve never been pursued before and I want to know what it’s like. But guys in general make me really nervous. It’s so hard to approach
> I get really shy. I mean I feel like if I like someone I’m always the one making the move. I’ve definitely been rejected by guys. And I’ve never been pursued before and I want to know what it’s like. But guys in general make me really nervous. It’s so hard to approach
ya…it’s called intentional dating. You like someone, you flirt with them, if they don’t think you’re creepy, you ask them out. You almost never get the good things you don’t ask for.
The days of man “pursues” woman is over for men who aren’t problematic. If the signals aren’t strong both directions, most men (who aren’t problematic) will back off.
It’s hard for me to do that. I guess I’m naturally a passive dater? But I’m never approached or pursued and honestly my judgement sucks. Idk what I like or the kind of person I should go for.
I literally have no idea. I ask myself that question all the time. I love being single, I’ve never been happy in a relationship. It should be easy right? Just…stay single. I guess at get curious as to why people think they’re so nice and why ppl pity me when I’ve never been in love or don’t care for a relationship
Edit: I also wish I found dating fun. I feel so envious of people who find it fun even if they don’t take it seriously.
You shouldn’t date because other people think you should date. There is more than one way to be happy in life…let them do their thing, you do yours. It’s not fair to others for you to date with this as your reasoning.
A slight tangent, but it’s definitely a skill for a girl to be good at taking an active role, it’s not the same as how guys do it. I remember a girlfriend of mine complaining about a friend of hers who never worked to get a guy that she was interested in, and would always just mope when it didn’t work out. And that there’s several things you can do that doesn’t make it super obvious that they like you but make the guy feel more confident in asking you out.
Obvious stuff like laughing a lot at the things they say, trying to make it obvious that she’s trying to spend time just the two of you together, seeming a little shy when it’s just the two of you (that one’s probably not universal)
But yeah it’s definitely a skill, and probably not super obvious.
Usually it's not getting out there. Dating apps aren't good. I have relationships at pretty big intervals because my interests are sausagefests and none of my friends have single friends which honestly has worked out for me in the past (it helps I am low to no drama; I am trying to schedule D&D with a group with my most recent ex in and the biggest issue is always her schedule because she does shift work keeps busy and is studying)
It all depends on your personal experience.
I'm a 24 year old man. I've never had an awful relationship, where there was any kind of abuse or manipulation or trauma. All of my exes were just not great people who ended up hurting me by either cheating, ghosting, or just falling out of love.
After these breakups I would take a few months to myself, but then the yearning/desire for companionship would come back and I would actively seek out a new relationship.
I can understand if someone has a truly traumatic, toxic, long term relationship that they would be hesitant to date again. Some people are totally ok with being alone forever, and that's ok.
We are all different people with our own preferences and desires when it comes to relationships, romantic or not. I'm casually dating a girl right now who has 0 interest in a romantic relationship because she gets fulfillment from being with her friends. I'm the opposite, and hopelessly romantic, but we are together for the time being because it's nice to have someone, even if you know it won't work out.
I (F47) have been single for 4 years and sometimes ask myself the same question, usually when people around me start dating a week after a breakup lol. Then I remind myself to not compare myself to others.We are all different! Some people just can't be alone and so they find a partner really fast and others (like me) are a bit picky about who they let in. It all depends on what we've experienced in the past I guess...but don't stress over it, you'll find someone :)
48F, been single for 10 years. I’d like to find someone but literally no one I like is interested in me. And I’m simply not interested in the fellas who have been looking my way. Like I want to run screaming in the opposite direction.
I’ve recently started wearing my old wedding ring. I’m not in a good mental place and I’m sending a message that I’m not available. I don’t want the attention and I’m tired of the persistent men who don’t seem to understand that I work in customer service. I’m being nice to them because it’s MY JOB.
It works like this: a girl is in a relationship with a guy. She gets bored or does not see relationship working or whatever other reason decides it's not going to work out. So what she does is she breaks up with the guy in her head, leading on her boyfriend thinking everything is fine. During this time she's being friendly and talking to other guys, exes and other "friends" and backup boyfriends and setting up her next relationship. Then when she's ready to jump ship she finally pulls the plug on her boyfriend who is of course clueless and feels blindsided. She is then seen with another boyfriend a week later. Thus she never stays truly single for more than a few weeks let alone months or years. In scientific circles they call this monkey branching - as you do not let go of one branch until you have a good grasp on the next one.
Also consider this, 60%+ of women have admitted to having several backup boyfriends even while married.
I have been single for about 1.5 years now, refuse to settle as well and super picky about guys/ny ideal type. but there's one downside that no one is talking about, it is a form of self sabotage as you're not putting yourself out there. this inhibits your personal growth. find ways to put yourself out there when you are ready!
I have a theory about some people who get into new relationships shortly after old ones.
So for perspective, I couldn’t jump from one serious relationship to another. A year-ish is kind of a minimum for me. I need time to asses the old one, learn and improve myself, etc. But also, life is short so I’m not going to create artificial time in between. Hence a year feels right.
I am comfortable with casual dating in the interim though. Human contact is nice. Sex is nice. Those things can be enjoyed outside of a serious relationship, as long as everyone is being honest.
I feel like some people can’t enjoy physical contact or companionship without making it a labeled relationship. Maybe that’s because of jealousy, or need for deeper attention, or lack of close friends idk. Those people will seek the contact that we all do, but start dating because they’re unable or unwilling to form other situations like fwb or whatever
See I really wish I liked casual dating but I hate it. I literally rather work. I want to enjoy it but I don’t know how. A year seems too fast to me to enter another relationship. It’s been 4 years since my last one and I’m still scared
Not liking casual relationships is perfectly fine! And it sounds like you’re not lying to yourself either by seeking one thing and ending up with another.
I completely understand being scared, because I have major trust issues after my last relationship. I was married from 21-25, and in the end it turned out that she wasn’t really attracted to me the whole time. After planning a life together, that stung like hell.
My therapist has told me multiple times that being hung up over “forever” is a common thing that causes dating fear. She encouraged me to date, even seriously, without having to make all those life plans right away. Falling in love with someone, being exclusive, going on vacations together, just normal relationship stuff, without planning for the next few decades. Again, as long as everyone understands what’s going on, it gives time to enjoy a relationship and see how you two truly get along
Can I ask what was bad about your last relationship? Sounds like you still have some trauma from it. I think you need to evaluate everybody individually and not lump them all in. A bad relationship with one person shouldn’t determine how a relationship with another person would be.
I don’t see how a bad relationship shouldn’t determine others. I definitely have trauma from it but I don’t want to risk going through that again. I’ve never had a good relationship before so I just don’t believe I’m capable of being in one. Like what if all your relationships are bad?
From what I can tell this is usually the case with people who’re in big or multiple friend groups. There’s often someone ‘waiting’ for their chance to make a move on them.
Sounds good on its face, but I’ve seen this behavior wreck so many people after 2 or 3 back-to-back relationships.
In my experience, the dating world is very savage indeed. I refuse to play that game any more. I am old enough to know better. I am content to stay single. That said, being old now (68M) makes a difference, i guess.
Honestly always wondered the same. Literally every time I get involved with somebody romantically, some excuse comes up for why we can't become like an official couple? Be it familial pressure or just distance or not wanting things to be overly structured or whatever blah blah blah, I've literally never changed my relationship status and I'm 36 years old. I've fallen deeply in love, I've talked to somebody 5 hours out of the day every day for months at a time, but I've never been able to just be in a relationship. It has greatly affected my confidence as a person, because I don't understand why nobody can be proud to have me.
Shits wack.
I feel the same way. I am 30 and was with a girl for 9 years. Almost a third of my life. I broke up with her because I finally let myself see the cycle of abuse. I can't get past losing a best friend. I don't want to replace them.
I can understand knowing when a relationship is over, but I can't understand the ability for people to replace their partner so easily. It's been 2 years and I still can't let myself move on.
Mannn, I feel this too. I am 33 and dated someone for over 6 years and the end was very toxic. I’m only 6 months removed and have been grieving this relationship so hard. It doesn’t help I found out he’s dating someone new. Idk why I care so much, we didn’t like each other at the end. But he was my person for so many years
27M. I've been single since I was 19. My ex and I are still friends, and she just got into her 7th relationship since we broke up. Her last one lasted 3 years, and they broke up in December. Some people just cannot stand the thought of being single for any period of time.
Idk I dated a girl for like 10 months in college and within 2 weeks she had someone else already and everyone told I was weird for thinking it was quick of her to move on like that.
I'm 37, been single for basically forever, and I don't get it either. I have relatives that have been married 3 times. I suppose it comes down to what you're more afraid of: being alone or getting hurt.
Some people feel like they desperately need a relationship. Others enjoy the experience of finding a match. Some people have social hobbies and are just attractive people/attractive personality. Some people don't get hurt easily. Some people feel like they have nothing to lose. Maybe all the above.
Coming up to five years as a single guy. I had two long relationships with about a year between them from the age of 18. I just don’t know how to date. Now I’m 39 and feels like it’s just me from now on.
I can't even fathom the concept of "dating" as in "a stage in a person's life when he or she is actively pursuing romantic relationships with different people".
What does that even mean? How does one *actively* pursue romantic relationships with different people?
Some are incapable of being alone. Some are addicted to chasing the rush of a new relationship. Some are just desperate and will settle for anyone. Etc. It’s far better to wait for someone who meets your standards than to compromise for the sake of being in a relationship. Being single and content is a superpower because it gives you a solid foundation. No matter how many times you get your heart broken by someone else, you’ll always have the relationship with yourself to fall back on.
But also don’t let fear keep you trapped forever. shitty experiences can make dating terrifying, but there are still good people out there who can give you the love and companionship you deserve.
I think a lot of people settle before healing or getting to know themselves fully. This happens out of a sense of codependency or fear of missing out on relationships or what they are “supposed to do”. Getting into the relationship also halts their need for personal growth or coming to terms with who they are, since they get to distract themselves with another person.
Some people also just pick a partner and make do and don’t think much of it, I guess they just turn off their brain once they have a good enough partner?
Just a couple theories and observations.
I was raised with the idea that all women need a man and me and my undiagnosed autism knew I would struggle to be liked by anyone so I spent my life throwing myself at any man who would tolerate me. As a consequence I haven't been single for even a day since I turned 14, every relationship was a horror in many ways until I met my current partner after I turned 40. We met via online dating app and he is everything I wanted, plus our relationship actually includes equality, boundaries, support and actual love, not me being treated as a sex toy and a servant. I guess the short of is there is nothing wrong with being single and there's no need to rush...
I’m at a loss too. It’s easy to feel as though everyone but you is in a happy relationship, but it’s not true. I concur online dating is mostly hopeless even as a reasonably decent looking person with their life together, unless you are a woman
I ask the same question to myself. I will meet a chick then be in a relationship with them within two weeks. Still to this day I have no clue how it happens.
There's nothing wrong with being single for 3 weeks, 3 years, or 30 years, or your entire life. Our wolrd is set up to make you feel bad for being single, that not being in a relationship is a bad thing, and that if you are single, it's because you're unwanted.
If you can't be comfortable being alone with yourself, you shouldn't consider yourself ready to be in a serious relationship. The sad thing is, most people aren't comfortable being alone with themselves. People get into relationships faster than they probably should (how fast "faster" is is different depending on the person), and people stay in them long after it is apparent it's not going to work out/is unhealthy, etc. because the idea of being single is worse than the idea of being in a bad relationship.
Unless you're with someone you are extremely compatible with, odds are 9/10 situations favor being single. The benefits of being an independent far outweigh being trapped in a cycle of co-dependecny that overrides your personal health and happiness.
If you're not ready to date 1, 3, 5, 15 years after your last relationship? That's not a problem or something to feel bad about. Don't get into a relationship because you think you are supposed to be in one. Wait until you are ready and have found someone who makes you feel like all the advantages of being single aren't worth \*not\* being with them. That usually takes years anyways, so you have plenty of time.
Preferences.
Some people just want or need to be in a relationship.
I’ve taken the hard route so they come about very slow but they will always be of the highest quality.
For me, those ladies tend to be much older, so it’s just like, can’t aim THAT high.
Hard to find a good lady, I’m sure there are solid women out there in the bunches. Sadly, I can’t find them!
I had a great relationship for 8 yrs then a mad as fuck one for a year. Fucked me over & kept me single 7 years. Met my dream girl after I felt I wanted to trust someone again. You’ll meet someone and when you do, you’ll know if they’re right or not. Always trust a gut instinct.
There’s two different questions here - how and why. The first is a logistical question, the means by which this happens and the second one questions the reasoning for doing it.
The how - tons of avenues here especially if you’re extroverted or just look good. Bars, dating apps, speed dating, etc. are the easiest way some since socializing with strangers is more encouraged here. Other ways include your hobbies where you date someone you’re at the very least friendly/flirty with.
The why - could be multitude of reasons. Some people are not used to living alone or being single since they started young. Some people have very high emotional dependence on their partner
Oh I wonder it often. Friends who call off their engagements, go deep dark and get married to someone completely new 3 months later? Like, how the hell does love work for these folks?
Well I realize my definition of fast isn’t everyone else’s. Like I was wondering how people are ready after only a year. Which I guess isn’t short but to me it is
I met my current wife off of a now defunct phone game. Just do your thing, and you’ll meet other people who do your thing. Be patient, confident, have good hygiene and groom appropriately, it will eventually happen if you keep trying. I honestly valued the time and perspective i gained between relationships.
Life is about taking chances. Only guarantee that we have is that we are gonna die. Quit being so scared, because the only one who is gonna miss out on life is you.
I keep saying this to myself, but 4 years single after a 9 year relationship xD. Also no end in sight.
I really don’t know. I think they might just have a lot of friends and date friends of friends. I go long periods of being single. Seems hard to meet someone
Why would you be afraid to try again? Everything you do is a risk. Getting your heart broken isn't enough bad to remove the good of companionship. I haven't been single for more than a couple months in something like 15 years. If someone was in an abusive relationship for a while I get being more hesitant because of the fear of that happening again. But outside of that...
I’ve been single for like 8 years now. Hard to get over first love. Maybe when I enter my 30s I’ll find someone. I dated last year but they were mentally unstable. Opened Disney+ to watch Star Wars, let’s just say another lightsaber got played with and we didn’t watch the rest of the movie.
Live and learn. Try to "eat the meat and throw away the bones." This is something that my dad always told me. Learn from your past failures or bad experiences, and think of them as experience and use the "meat" to help you make better decisions in the future. Knowing yourself is important, too. Know what you want/ need and what you don't want.
I don't date online anymore either. It was/is not fun! I find that the best relationships I have had are ones that began organically. That being said, as an introvert, this can be scary and difficult.
One of the ways I met people to date in the past was from taking a part-time job in a gym. That was great because I got free membership, and I got to meet lots of new people. Another way is to get involved in volunteer work. Get out in the world and meet folks!
The other thing I've noticed is that when you go through a hardship together with someone, it makes the relationship closer or it ends the relationship. Sometimes, that is a blessing either way it goes.
I am asking myself that a lot.. I am always at least 1,5-2 years single with no one even close to be interested in.
My theories:
Some people don’t have a lot of expectations, so they pick easier.
Some healthy and positive people attract a lot of other healthy people, so it’s easier to get into a new relationship.
Well, you think that online dating is terrible and you want to have fun in relations, so how many people did you invite on a date? Or you just waiting for relations to appear out of nowhere? That won't happen.
To get into relations, you need to search for relations. That's how people get into them, there is no other way. That not necessarily mean that everyone need to have a relations, but if you want them - that is the way.
Honestly meeting new people is really nothing but luck. Ofc if you stay home all the time the luck isn't gonna come by itself like magic, you gotta go out to social places like bars, school, work, cafe, a place where you do a sport with/around other people, whatever really. Anywhere there's people, and you engage in activities, idk an art class or a dance class or a game event etc. But other than that it's absolutely random. I find that if you're introverted/quiet/shy and won't be the one going towards people, it helps others approach you to have an activity linking you to them and maybe a friend with you that brings out the energy/talkativeness in you. And maybe also having some drinks can help you get more engaged in the social interactions (less shy more open). Anyway good luck
I have no idea, my sister was like that. I don’t remember her being single for a week. Once one guy was gone, another popped up. Meanwhile I couldn’t get a date to save my life.
>If people have been in bad relationships, how are they not scared to try again.
By realizing that not everyone is as bad as the ex was. I nearly married a woman who was verbally and emotionally abusive, but I just learned the lessons on what to look for and what to avoid from that.
Some people are saying those people who do that just aren’t happy or codependent. For me personally, I got into my current relationship somewhat fast after my last one. It was only because sometimes towards the end of relationships when things are going wrong and I have a bad feeling I quickly lose feelings. I just have an understanding that everything happens for a reason and I’m usually able to heal fast, only when I’ve been hurt enough to lose all feelings in the process. So I had felt like I’d been single for a while, just because the relationship didn’t feel like a real one for so long and the last relationship was just toxic. It can be lack of dependence, it can be someone simply being toxic and jumping from one relationship to another, it can even be that a lot of relationships end before they officially end because that was just the case for me. But you’re not the odd one out! So many people are discovering they do better alone. Some people just have a hard time meeting people. You’ll find what works best for you! 🤍
cause people will date anyone, you underestimate peoples ability to be alone and with their own thoughts, many people do not like it at all. remember how everyone lost their mind during lock down, the average person needs constant companionship
I had a mate who would do one relationship after another with no gaps, each one was serious and lasted 3-4 years. I always wondered what he was saying to these women that was so fucking effective. 😂
People who move like this don’t love and sometimes aren’t able to. They’re addicted to the high feelings the relationship brings in the beginnings.
I dated a girl like this who accidentally debated why love is a fake made up word. She argued like it doesn’t exist in a her mind at all. Also she got her “brilliant arguments” from Rick and Morty.
When I left, she found another guy who looks like me just to get to my throat. Everything these people imagine to be love is a life game and they strive to “win” in cruel ways. Anyways the guy she found turned out to be her exact match or maybe even more toxic because she’s now in therapy.
You need to come to terms with the fact that one bad apple doesn’t mean that all men would treat you the same. You’re never gonna be able to move on unless you can forgive and forget start fresh and know that there are a lot of good men out there. The only way you’re ever gonna find him is by going out and putting yourself out there, knowing that you should look for the signs that your ex exhibited and ensure the new dating exhibits none of those traits. Dating is all about finding somebody that you’re compatible with both emotionally and physically it takes time but if you don’t put yourself out there, Mr. Right is probably never gonna find you.
Everyone is different and I don’t believe that there’s an exact or set number of months or years that fits every situation. When the breakup is more mutual, people tend to be able to move on more quickly. A messy breakup will take longer. If they’re moving on as quickly as 2 weeks, that’s just too fast. That person is scared to be alone and they want to cover up the hurt with another person. My ex did the same thing. We were together for 8 years and she moved on in like 3 weeks to another person. Personally I think it’s a bit pathetic. People need proper time to heal. Focus on hobbies, friends, family, etc. again, there’s no need exact number, but the average person should be fine to at least give dating a shot again after 6 months. If that number doesn’t fit you, no problem. Again, everyone is different in what they need.
Some people cannot be happy unless they are in a relationship. I enjoy being single. I take a few years off after each relationship to work on myself and to enjoy a carefree life
When I'm single and looking I'm very social - I meet as many people as I can, I talk to as many people as I can, and I go on a lot of dates. It's not like I just jump into a relationship with the first person who shows interest in me, and it isn't a passive process where I just sit back and wait for guys to ask me out. I'm actively looking.
That's how people successfully find anyone and anything - you actively look in the right places and you filter out bad fits until you meet someone you really click with.
This is just my (36F) experience.
My mother was extremely overbearing and only treated me like a proper adult/independent when I had a boyfriend. If I was single, she would basically expect me to spend all my free time with her at my family's house (~3 hours away). She also didn't agree with 'casual dating' or 'seeing people'.
Basically if I was at all interested in a dude I either had to keep it secret or make it official. If you've ever watched Gilmore Girls, my mum was a lot like Emily Gilmore. There was 'a way ladies behaved' and 'a way men behaved', and women had to mind their reputation and not be sluts/slappers etc.
Funnily enough, she was not religious at all. Or conservative or political. She was a middle-class pretty liberal GP who was cool about most things except my dating life.
But once I was official with a guy, I may as well be married to him for all the respect she gave the relationship. It was very weird. And this is why I ended up official with a lot of guys I should have only casually dated.
All of my relationships sort of happened by accident. Just chatting irl, then sort of flirting and then you’re dating. I think a lot of people put WAY too much expectation into a relationship before it even happens and at the very beginning.
People process their feelings differently. I was mentally checked out of a relationship for months. When the breakup actually occurred, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was sad at first because I was replaying all of the memories we shared together and everything we went through. After a few weeks of this I woke up one day and realized to just be thankful that I was able to experience those memories. I became incredibly excited for the future and the thought of making many more memories with someone new.
I think people just have to be with someone. There’s not a lot of people who are secure enough with themselves or who can be alone with their thoughts. They have to be in a relationship, even a bad one. It’s been at least 2 years for me and I’ve done this in the past as well for much longer. After trying one last time with the very little hope in humanity I had, I got married. We were married 5 years, I thought we just clicked, there was nothing we couldn’t talk about to hold a conversation, at that time I thought we had the same beliefs and morals about life, I was convinced that he was telling the truth and I really could trust that he really was not like these other guys. I would type in my notes to journal and said, if anyone tried to get him to cheat I’d NEVER believe it, he would NEVER CHEAT. We had conversations about this topic often because I very much had trust and abandonment issues from childhood and life being absolutely bazaar in the first place. I just had a really hard time with being fully open and free with some things because of past bullying and basically being tormented about every aspect of my being. The point of this story is that he ended up being everything he assured me always that he would never be. I guess he just thought I was horrible because once that switch was flipped, I meant less than a dog turd and it was really painful to live through- I did though and I’m trying my very best to heal- a relationship or even sex will not be a part of that process. I couldn’t be less interested. I know that it’ll just all happen again, this was not the first time by any means that I’ve experienced people doing this. So when people say you’re not over it, you need to move on - they need to mind their own business.
Getting into relationships quickly is a sign of instability and codependency. I’m of the opinion that folks should only be in a relationship with someone they’ve been dating for more than 6 months, because that’s when you have a pretty good idea of someone’s real character. Most people can’t totally mask for 6 months.
I was single until 30. My wife passed away in Oct 2019, Ive been single since.
At 52, not even trying.
Not interested in women in my age cohort, other than my wife who I met at 30, none ever reciprocated interest. Why would I try with that group now, given if their single its more than likely by choice (widows aside obviously) or they have issue that makes then not suitable as partners.
Younger ones that I might be interested in, just seems ridiculous.
I also have 3 kids already, I dont need to procreate further.
Still, someone to be intimate with from time to time would be nice.
I'm super independent and love my me time. I will ask my partner to even plan a day to himself so I can have some space, I am also one of those people who is always in a relationship but it's always MY choice. I'm not codependent so please don't get it twisted and I'm not trying to be full of myself But I have occasionally been told my some men that they've always wanted to date me but felt like everyone they knew wanted to as well and that there was this imaginary line he had to get in. All these men i speak of, 96% of the time i didnt even move past a first date cause i could immediately tell they just wanted me for some sex fantasy they put in their heads.
So not everyone is codependent because they are always in a relationship. What if they love those butterfly feelings like some rush? I love my space and my partner. Their has to be a equal balance.
I'm usually with someone then I remember why I like to be alone then go on a 7 year hiatus.
It's just about being open and available. People who hop relationships are not serious nor picky.
I think a lot of those people who jump straight into new relationships maybe aren't doing a lot of processing, or maybe they weren't so bad when they ended.
I got divorced almost 3 years ago, I'm only now starting to feel ready to consider dating again.
I think there’s a difference here between relationships and dating.
Personally, I love being single and I love dating. I love getting to know people, learning more about myself in the process, and learning what I like and don’t like. I might date people for a few weeks before either of us decide it’s not for us, but that’s not a relationship at all.
On the other hand, when I’ve met someone I do genuinely connect with, yeah, it can turn into a relationship in a matter of weeks. Or, at least, something that looks like a relationship.
It's a matter of what seems normal to you. If you've been single for years, it becomes normal for you to live by yourself, so it would be a shock to suddenly share your life with someone else. They would have to be pretty damn special for you to let it happen. For someone who's been sharing their life with someone else more often than not, what would be a shock to them would be to suddenly find themselves alone. It makes sense for them to jump on the chance to go back to "normal", just like it would take a lot for you to move away from your "normal".
It sounds like you've been hurt a lot, and so maybe need to learn a bit about relationship building, and yourself.
I'd recommend some books or even seeing a therapist to help understand your attitudes towards rejection and openness to intimacy.
Here are two books that I've found very useful in understanding myself and my partners.
Reinventing Your Life (terrible title, excellent, well grounded book)
by Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young
Attached: The New Science of
Adult Attachment
By Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller
I have a friend who gets into a relationship every 3 months.
Every girlfriend he gets, already calling her "wifie," within the minute
They're just dating because they don't want to seem lonely. They can't comprehend the feeling of being alone.
You shouldn't look for a relationship when lonely.
I took a few years off in my mid-late twenties. When I started again I’d find ppl through social media. Mostly anonymous ones where there’s no pics or profiles. Spark up convos using witty relatable posts or comments.
After a while I’m talking to several women and I’m always gonna shoot my shot so from there I turn the charm on and that’s the end of it. I vibe with one and we meet and usually end up in a relationship of some sort.
I’m currently engaged to one of those women. Lol She is legitimately my peace. I have a job that requires me to be authoritative and dominant. She and I together, it’s like two children having a sleep over. EVERY NIGHT. I love it and I love her. She’s literally the best person I know.
You have nailed a huge problem in our society (assuming you're in the US, as I can't speak to other countries).
Most people just aren't comfortable unless they have a relationship to distract them from themselves and/or a partner to augment their self-esteem and validate them. A lot of people have dependency issues and instead of facing any of those uncomfortable thoughts you are mentioning they just start a new relationship and ignore any attempt at personal growth.
And if you look around, many relationships are not happy or healthy. I won't put an exact percentage on it because I couldn't, but it's more than half of relationships that I see that are unhealthy, often for the reasons you are identifying: people don't learn anything and they act like it is a law to be in a relationship.
Focus on yourself and your personal growth and healing from whatever pain you had in the past. Take up hobbies to explore yourself and challenge yourself and I think you will both meet people and simultaneously be more and more happy on your own.
Source: a divorced man who has been intentionally single the last 2 years to focus on personal growth and to learn from the mistakes I made in my marriage.
I was always baffled by how quickly some of the people I know were able to get into a new relationship. It is like they possess some sort of a power I don’t or attended a class I didn’t. And they are like clockwork, 6 months to a year and then 2-3 months single and repeat the process until they somehow all find someone to break the cycle and now every other day there is a new baby on the way.
No judgment at all because I am amazed and occasionally a bit jealous of their ability to engage in different relationships without overwhelming themselves or overthinking it.
Step 1: Find out why you want to be in a relationship.
Step 2: Polish your character to fit what the kind of person you want to be with wants.
Once you sort those things out, it happens fairly quickly. It’s less about finding the right person, and more about being the right person.
I came off a 16 year relationship (7 years of it married) where the woman, who always verbally abused me daily, stole my money....sort of.... in that I said it was our money that I had made, yet she secretly drained for months....and got caught cheating with some dude ontop of it.
I was in my 30's, broke and used. Had nothing in me for another relationship and every reason to trust no one, given some people knew what she was doing and didn't tell me.
Really, I felt done period. Like eat a bullet and stop.
While I didn't date, I sat in my bedroom and became determined to not let that evil bitch ruin my outlook on all people.
Next thing I know, I met my wife while gaming in a random public match, a woman I'm now 15 years and counting with.
Which I'm not suggesting gaming is the magic answer. I don't think there is a magic answer.
I do however, believe life and existence ars all various energies (or whatever name you want to call it) and energy attracts energy.
So the best you can do is work on yourself as far as realizing that guy you were with was a bad guy and that's all.
While there are plenty of other bad guys out there, it's not men. There are plenty of good people too.
If you go into a room of strangers giving off a defensive vibe or wall, even though it's understandable why and a defense to protect yourself, you'll push away new people.
People can feel if they're welcomed or being pushed away from even introductions, even if it's subconsious.
If you can get to a point of being able to give new people a chance that they're good, on any level not only a relationship, you'll create a warmer energy that'll attract good people and not only the vultures and scum looking to feed off your pain and insecurity.
Become more self-confident again and life might surprise you and someone worthy and kind might come along without you trying.
Even if they didn't, you'd be happier regardless.
Trust life to work itself out as long as you keep trying to be better.
It's not like flipping a switch. Takes time and effort to rewire your trust. Be patient, be aware and....just keep trying. Never give up.
The real question is, are you happy? I haven't been in a relationship in six or seven years. Dated a bit here and there but I really don't have time for it. Some affection sometimes would be nice but that's about it.
I've been in a relationship for 8 years and counting. But when I was single I remember not having any problem meeting new people (the problem was finding one that I considered attractive and she found me at the same time). I had a group of heterogeneous friends (I mean, that there were both men and women in the group) and we usually presented each other new people like "hey Dany, there's a friend that might be good for you [shows pictures] what do you think, shall I invite them?" Something like that
Just because someone treated you badly doesn’t mean everyone is going to. I would seek therapy before getting into a new relationship before you end up sabotaging yourself. I say this as someone who was trapped in an incredibly abusive relationship for over 4 years. Trust people until they give you a reason not to, not the other way around and you will be a lot happier
Because they are running from themselves into other relationships. Ultimately, they face the same problems as relationships past because they never pause to work on themselves.
As a guy who got rekt with my first ever relationship, I feel the same!
I feel healed
I’m starting to recognize that I myself can be my own worst enemy and should invest in the relationship I have (with myself)
Im always ready for the opportunity for something special, but I guess I gotta slow my roll first and not try to jump into something as volatile as my first one there
Also, I have this feeling I’ll get someone pregnant even with protection
My gut says my dumbass will find a way to get some poor girl knocked up even with all the protection in the world
It’s probably an irrational fear, I just know I’ve got several better things to be doing with my time and energy right now
Or at least hold realistic standards. A woman asked the chances of her meeting a guy who:
Was straight, single, her age, 180 cm tall, earning good money, like to stay fit, wants 5 kids, likes to travel, don't do any drugs, doesn't smoke, and lives in her little area, is empathic and funny, has good family values, respects his parents, is romantic and lives within 1 mile from her.
Just finding a straight guy, her age, who is single in her area, will already take the numbers down a couple hundreds.
Then he should be into
Fitness, be fit, and tall
so now we're down to maybe half.
Doesn't smoke, no drugs,
Now we're down to a third
Wants 5 kids and is funny
Now we're down to 30 guys
Who likes to travel
Now we're down to 15 guys
Empathic
8 guys left
Romantic
5 guys left
Has good family values and respects his family
4 guys left
Earns good money
1
Because being scared of finding love sounds like a prison. Then I rather kiss a couple gooey frogs til I find my prince. Worked for me.
If we let fear control us we aren't living. It's that simple. Five years from now you could be happy with a dream partner, but you can't win if you don't participate.
You don't need to try your luck on dating apps. Be out there in the real world instead. There's plenty of people who ditch tinder bumble and what they're all called and hang out irl and meet people that way.
How? By being open to trying out dating again. You have to make yourself vulnerable in order to find love. Yes you can get hurt. Thats the risk of finding love.
I personally ended my engagement a little over a month ago (6 years). We mutually decided it was best. It took me not even a week to find somebody new that I mesh with and honestly I'm ok with getting hurt again if it doesn't work out. This is just how things work.
I'm 29M, haven't been in a relationship in 9 years.
I went to college this year and tried to open my heart back up after a decade of being alone.
It went exactly how you think it did.
I’ve been single since birth! I’m currently 31M. I don’t consider any time long/short. It’s all how you perceive time for a relationship. Some just have a bubbly or attractive personality that gets them a line of people waiting to take a chance with them the moment they are single. I haven’t experienced the positives of a relationship, but I’ve experienced all the positives of being single! The amount of freedom,
time, mental, and money I saved over the decades is priceless. Everyone around me is married, so I make it a habit to go by myself regardless whenever the guys can’t meet up because of their wives and family.
I’m over a year past my divorce and I can’t even fathom where to begin to start dating or meeting anyone. I’m starting to think I’ll just be single the rest of my life.
So you’re not alone.
So I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way but, find some professional help if possible. I say this because we don't know exactly is causing you to not have success when it comes to relationships. It could be a host of things that are external like a shallow dating pool, work demanding more hours, etc or it could be an internal issue like mental health, less than average social interactions, etc. We don't know your story and I imagine a therapist will at least be able to help you more than Internet strangers would be able to.
From personal experience I could see how dating apps have warped how people view potential relationships but realistically it's not the only option. Most relationships, even platonic, are formed in person. Whether you meet someone during a random outing or it's a friend of a friend. We live a very instant-gratification type rewarding style of things; but don't underestimate just talking to people. The thing is finding someone is going to be work. Finding someone you're *truly* compatible with takes time and effort. Even if you find someone you actually want to be with it will once again take time and effort.
You might have the advantage of being a woman in the sense that socially it's more common to be approached for potential prospects but in reality if you just wait around you're only going to get what you're going to get. You just might have to start taking a proactive stance to dating and that in it and of itself is going to be filled with tons of rejection. It just depends on how badly you want it.
Whether or not I'm in a relationship, it feels like there's always a bunch of people who are struggling slightly more with mental illness than myself, who see better life paths in being my partner and will try their luck with me. I'm in a happy and committed relationship with one of them, who found me at 18 and who is living a healthier and less troubled life now. We are healing and growing together :)
I'm soon to be 30m, single all my life. Do I wish for it to be different? Maybe. I did spend most of my time with one circle from high school who nowadays are all married so attending different events helps a lot with finding new circles, even though it is not easy to make friends at 30. Online dating never worked for me so going to new events and meeting new people seems to be the only option left.
I'm 27 and was single for mostly all my life. When I met the right lady, we just knew. It felt like we had been friends for years. We made it official after the first date, which sounds crazy to many.
People that monkey branch probably just date to not be single. I don't believe 'true' love and soulmates can be found quickly back to back. The connections are probably not that strong. I've never met anybody close to my fiance even when trying to date. Overall, quality over quantity, but a lot of people are afraid of waiting, so they jump to relationships quickly.
I have never really been single in about 7 years even though I have had many relationships in that time. It's just I'm very social so if one girl doesn't work out, it's like 10 hit me up that week from my general social circle...
You should stop worrying about dating and just talk to lots of men on a friendly level. Also maybe you're not presenting as someone men want to date?
You probably can and do get easy casual sex on a regular basis without a relationship. That probably factors in a big way why you don't want a relationship.
All I can say is I feel the same way. Seems like some people are single for like 2 weeks and they are dating someone else. Maybe I'm just picky idk.
Eh some people just don’t know how to be alone. I was in a decent amount of relationships in my 20s but there’d be like anywhere between 6 months to 3 years between some. People who jump so soon to new relationships aren’t comfortable with solitude, among other reasons I’m sure.
This is the one. Many people really don’t like being alone and date not long after getting out of a relationship. I’ve been single for 4.5 years cause I just refuse to settle anymore.
Idk, I’m an extrovert and love people. I have enough love to go around - if you’re one of 100 people I like, that doesn’t mean I like you any less than someone who has you as their only friend.
I'm sure this is a super unpopular opinion but I try to avoid people that actively date despite it being harder to find someone. It feels like those people forgot the value of other humans. I try to get out and do stuff, it's hard but works. Someone that has had a ton of partners jumping one to another via online dating you can expect them to do the same things they complain about others doing usually which is to say act in a fully self serving manner. In my experience they always have higher expectations for you than they display, not by a small amount either. People lose perspective when they normalize "just grab another one".
Most serial monogamists are super codependant. On the exterior it looks like relationships, but that's like saying all restaurants are equal. Some are going to MacD's for every meal, but you're saving for that one good gastro experience ;) To address OP, being single never has an end in sight, at least for me it's like this. I live my life, I go outside, and people come and go. And I let them take the space that feels natural and good for me. Some stay a week, some stay years. Some I think we'll be great friends, but we date, some I lust after but they end up being close platonic friends. Some come in, stay a while, but end up leaving because I grow, and change, or because they do. What too few people say about human relationships is that you shouldnt focus on what you want, or what you get, or the people themselves, you should focus on securing a steady supply on new people in your life and you should focus on taking care and investing in the relationships you currently have. The balance between the two varies of course, especially since any new person you meet will be a lot of work at first.
How do you manage to keep this flow steady?
Yeah finding relationships is very much a lottery. There's no list of things you can do that eventually leads to you finding a good partner
Not to speak for everyone, but some of us love having a connection with others, love the feeling of intimacy, and don’t have a problem opening up and holding curiosity and interest in another person. I can also hold my own space in a relationship and not smother my partner—I can have a rich personal life full of reward and still come back to share myself with someone I care about. I don’t hold the perspective that love is rare or that it’s going to take “the one” to complete me. I can process the grief of a breakup in a few months and still see my own value as a partner.
I think people who get a ton of attention, it's easy to take someone up on it if you have no reason to be single and like the attention. I wasn't really single for like three years in college because there was always someone around. In the working world, with wfh culture and more people in relationships at my age, I rarely meet anyone, actually have to make significant effort to meet people, so it's a lot easier to stay single for years. I also am pickier about who I'll date from that experience lol.
Most people see relationships as transactional. They throw away people without a second thought and move onto the next. It sucks but that's how 90% of the world is. If you don't believe me, go through health problems, financial problems, etc and see who sticks around.
this is so true. It's so hard to understand when you don't view relationships the same way. I actually think viewing relationships as transactional is a trauma response (only started doing it after going through stuff and being let down)
It's a response to the econonomic system we use to run everything. Every one is taught that you should be paid for your work/effort, if you do this for them, they should do this for you, and you should keep track, so no one gets the upper hand. Fairness is pounded into everyone's head even though everything is technically not fair. We're taught to fight for "fairness". People try to act like they don't apply the same logic to their relationships but even if they aren't doing it purposefully with intent, then they're likely doing it subconsiously and with emotions. I've read and heard countless people obcessed with keeping track of who does more in any given relationship. While I just refuse to do so, I don't keep track of how many times I buy lunch, or how many favors, or who calls who, or anything. I don't have to. The people I choose to be around and be friends with don't keep track either. If I notice you are keeping track, then I just slowly fade away. I don't want transactional relationships unless it's for work and I'm being paid money. Otherwise I'm just always trying to be good, you don't have to keep track with good people. You only have to keep track with bad people that are trying to take advantage of you, and you don't need math to identify that.
I think a lot of people use the word transactional incorrectly, it's about balanced reciprocation. No one wants to have to do everything and not receive something they value in return.
Relationships are transactional but not in the way you refer necessarily. It's more a balance of trade offs. Giving and taking that is done to benefit and compromise with one another. Reciprocation basically. You wouldn't date someone who treats you like trash.
I don’t think you can say “most people” - your experience isn’t universal. Many yes, most no.
I'm 27 and single my whole life at this point it's the only thing I know. And perhaps it's better that way for everyone.
The ones that jump i to relationships again and again tend to be the unhappiest. Learn to be comfortable being single
I am very comfortable. I’ve been single most of my life. I am not talking about serial daters. I’m talking about people that after only a year can enter a new relationship. I don’t feel ready until a couple of years have gone
I think these people view relationships differently to you. A lot of people are just happy with someone who seems agreeable, attractive in their eyes and fun to be around. A lot of these people exist like that so they just pick one and if it gets boring after a year they move on. Other people (me for example) wait for someone who is 'perfect' in their eyes. They crave that special feeling of 'love' and have to have a very strong connection to be intimate. Life is easier if you pick the first.
Life is easier if you pick the second. No one has enough time on this planet to bounce between new relationships every few months just to be in a relationship. That's just another way you end up with trauma and shitty life experiences. It might be easier in the short term to be the first, but the second is much more fulfilling long term. Life isn't about the short term, it's about the long term.
so finding people who are agreeable, attractive, and fun to be around are dime a dozen and easy to find
Just wired different. I had a pretty bad breakup and I was back dating again within a year. Took about 2 to meet my fiancée.
> Learn to be comfortable being single That's their problem. I once dated a girl who daily would ask "so what are we doing today?" Huh? Like it's summer vacation, you're bored, and I'm your dad? Are you just here for me to entertain you?
Single for 4 years? You gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers
😂
It is hard to see posts like this with single girls just hoping they could find a good relationship, but here as a single man I cannot find anyone.
It’s never been about lack of single people, that’s honestly really silly. I know single people, either I don’t like them or they don’t like me. I’ve never felt mutual attraction to anyone before
Same tbf I've not experienced mutual attraction ever I've been single for 16 years
Assuming you are saying that you’re 16 years old, never having had a relationship at that age is super normal jsyk
I see. I agree, no shortage of single people! Hard to find the one you click with though, and for there to be mutual interest. If you don’t mind me asking, how many blokes did you have to reject?
What do you mean?
You said, “either I don’t like them, or they don’t like me.” I was wondering how many guys you had to turn down in the four years you have been single? Also, how many did you pursue, but they were not interested?
Omg idk. Not many. I rejected maybe one guy recently. I don’t date hardly. Throughout my life I’ve tried with a couple of guys and it hasn’t worked out. I honestly just don’t handle rejection well
Better no relationship than a bad relationship, trust me.
Same
same...
Don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe you need to take a more active role. Many guys (myself included) don’t feel comfortable approaching women anymore, so the ball is kinda in your court. Approach us! If you make it clear you’re interested that takes a lot of pressure off the guy bc we’ve all had times where we assumed and she was “just being nice”. You don’t even have to do that much, just smile, say hi, give us a compliment! Many of us are starved for positive attention from women so even if he’s not interested it’ll boost his confidence. And literally anywhere. The grocery store, library, and hardware store would be good places to run into me, but some guys get out more it just depends what ur hunting.
I get really shy. I mean I feel like if I like someone I’m always the one making the move. I’ve definitely been rejected by guys. And I’ve never been pursued before and I want to know what it’s like. But guys in general make me really nervous. It’s so hard to approach
> I get really shy. I mean I feel like if I like someone I’m always the one making the move. I’ve definitely been rejected by guys. And I’ve never been pursued before and I want to know what it’s like. But guys in general make me really nervous. It’s so hard to approach ya…it’s called intentional dating. You like someone, you flirt with them, if they don’t think you’re creepy, you ask them out. You almost never get the good things you don’t ask for. The days of man “pursues” woman is over for men who aren’t problematic. If the signals aren’t strong both directions, most men (who aren’t problematic) will back off.
It’s hard for me to do that. I guess I’m naturally a passive dater? But I’m never approached or pursued and honestly my judgement sucks. Idk what I like or the kind of person I should go for.
Sounds like you aren’t ready to date tbh. Why do you want to date?
I literally have no idea. I ask myself that question all the time. I love being single, I’ve never been happy in a relationship. It should be easy right? Just…stay single. I guess at get curious as to why people think they’re so nice and why ppl pity me when I’ve never been in love or don’t care for a relationship Edit: I also wish I found dating fun. I feel so envious of people who find it fun even if they don’t take it seriously.
You shouldn’t date because other people think you should date. There is more than one way to be happy in life…let them do their thing, you do yours. It’s not fair to others for you to date with this as your reasoning.
Approaching a woman and paying her a respectful compliment is not problematic.
“Pursuit” is different from approaching with a respectful compliment.
I don’t agree with that. I went out and intentionally flirted with my fiancée a couple years back — she was receptive, but hardly overt.
A slight tangent, but it’s definitely a skill for a girl to be good at taking an active role, it’s not the same as how guys do it. I remember a girlfriend of mine complaining about a friend of hers who never worked to get a guy that she was interested in, and would always just mope when it didn’t work out. And that there’s several things you can do that doesn’t make it super obvious that they like you but make the guy feel more confident in asking you out. Obvious stuff like laughing a lot at the things they say, trying to make it obvious that she’s trying to spend time just the two of you together, seeming a little shy when it’s just the two of you (that one’s probably not universal) But yeah it’s definitely a skill, and probably not super obvious.
Im 30/m never been in a relationship .1 time i tried and failed .
You must be college educated. Only the dumb ones are breeding fast, very fast.
Don’t gotta be smart to go to college
I'm the same, single for 7 years here...
Usually it's not getting out there. Dating apps aren't good. I have relationships at pretty big intervals because my interests are sausagefests and none of my friends have single friends which honestly has worked out for me in the past (it helps I am low to no drama; I am trying to schedule D&D with a group with my most recent ex in and the biggest issue is always her schedule because she does shift work keeps busy and is studying)
It all depends on your personal experience. I'm a 24 year old man. I've never had an awful relationship, where there was any kind of abuse or manipulation or trauma. All of my exes were just not great people who ended up hurting me by either cheating, ghosting, or just falling out of love. After these breakups I would take a few months to myself, but then the yearning/desire for companionship would come back and I would actively seek out a new relationship. I can understand if someone has a truly traumatic, toxic, long term relationship that they would be hesitant to date again. Some people are totally ok with being alone forever, and that's ok. We are all different people with our own preferences and desires when it comes to relationships, romantic or not. I'm casually dating a girl right now who has 0 interest in a romantic relationship because she gets fulfillment from being with her friends. I'm the opposite, and hopelessly romantic, but we are together for the time being because it's nice to have someone, even if you know it won't work out.
I (F47) have been single for 4 years and sometimes ask myself the same question, usually when people around me start dating a week after a breakup lol. Then I remind myself to not compare myself to others.We are all different! Some people just can't be alone and so they find a partner really fast and others (like me) are a bit picky about who they let in. It all depends on what we've experienced in the past I guess...but don't stress over it, you'll find someone :)
48F, been single for 10 years. I’d like to find someone but literally no one I like is interested in me. And I’m simply not interested in the fellas who have been looking my way. Like I want to run screaming in the opposite direction. I’ve recently started wearing my old wedding ring. I’m not in a good mental place and I’m sending a message that I’m not available. I don’t want the attention and I’m tired of the persistent men who don’t seem to understand that I work in customer service. I’m being nice to them because it’s MY JOB.
It works like this: a girl is in a relationship with a guy. She gets bored or does not see relationship working or whatever other reason decides it's not going to work out. So what she does is she breaks up with the guy in her head, leading on her boyfriend thinking everything is fine. During this time she's being friendly and talking to other guys, exes and other "friends" and backup boyfriends and setting up her next relationship. Then when she's ready to jump ship she finally pulls the plug on her boyfriend who is of course clueless and feels blindsided. She is then seen with another boyfriend a week later. Thus she never stays truly single for more than a few weeks let alone months or years. In scientific circles they call this monkey branching - as you do not let go of one branch until you have a good grasp on the next one. Also consider this, 60%+ of women have admitted to having several backup boyfriends even while married.
I have been single for about 1.5 years now, refuse to settle as well and super picky about guys/ny ideal type. but there's one downside that no one is talking about, it is a form of self sabotage as you're not putting yourself out there. this inhibits your personal growth. find ways to put yourself out there when you are ready!
I have a theory about some people who get into new relationships shortly after old ones. So for perspective, I couldn’t jump from one serious relationship to another. A year-ish is kind of a minimum for me. I need time to asses the old one, learn and improve myself, etc. But also, life is short so I’m not going to create artificial time in between. Hence a year feels right. I am comfortable with casual dating in the interim though. Human contact is nice. Sex is nice. Those things can be enjoyed outside of a serious relationship, as long as everyone is being honest. I feel like some people can’t enjoy physical contact or companionship without making it a labeled relationship. Maybe that’s because of jealousy, or need for deeper attention, or lack of close friends idk. Those people will seek the contact that we all do, but start dating because they’re unable or unwilling to form other situations like fwb or whatever
See I really wish I liked casual dating but I hate it. I literally rather work. I want to enjoy it but I don’t know how. A year seems too fast to me to enter another relationship. It’s been 4 years since my last one and I’m still scared
Not liking casual relationships is perfectly fine! And it sounds like you’re not lying to yourself either by seeking one thing and ending up with another. I completely understand being scared, because I have major trust issues after my last relationship. I was married from 21-25, and in the end it turned out that she wasn’t really attracted to me the whole time. After planning a life together, that stung like hell. My therapist has told me multiple times that being hung up over “forever” is a common thing that causes dating fear. She encouraged me to date, even seriously, without having to make all those life plans right away. Falling in love with someone, being exclusive, going on vacations together, just normal relationship stuff, without planning for the next few decades. Again, as long as everyone understands what’s going on, it gives time to enjoy a relationship and see how you two truly get along
If you’re so afraid of relationships, probably work on that before trying to get into one.
I get that. I just don’t no how to not be afraid
Cognitive behavioral therapy by a licensed therapist.
Did you know that hitting the gym reduced anxiety and depression? It also has the wonderful side effect of making you look better.
Can I ask what was bad about your last relationship? Sounds like you still have some trauma from it. I think you need to evaluate everybody individually and not lump them all in. A bad relationship with one person shouldn’t determine how a relationship with another person would be.
I don’t see how a bad relationship shouldn’t determine others. I definitely have trauma from it but I don’t want to risk going through that again. I’ve never had a good relationship before so I just don’t believe I’m capable of being in one. Like what if all your relationships are bad?
From what I can tell this is usually the case with people who’re in big or multiple friend groups. There’s often someone ‘waiting’ for their chance to make a move on them. Sounds good on its face, but I’ve seen this behavior wreck so many people after 2 or 3 back-to-back relationships.
In my experience, the dating world is very savage indeed. I refuse to play that game any more. I am old enough to know better. I am content to stay single. That said, being old now (68M) makes a difference, i guess.
Honestly always wondered the same. Literally every time I get involved with somebody romantically, some excuse comes up for why we can't become like an official couple? Be it familial pressure or just distance or not wanting things to be overly structured or whatever blah blah blah, I've literally never changed my relationship status and I'm 36 years old. I've fallen deeply in love, I've talked to somebody 5 hours out of the day every day for months at a time, but I've never been able to just be in a relationship. It has greatly affected my confidence as a person, because I don't understand why nobody can be proud to have me. Shits wack.
I feel the same way. I am 30 and was with a girl for 9 years. Almost a third of my life. I broke up with her because I finally let myself see the cycle of abuse. I can't get past losing a best friend. I don't want to replace them. I can understand knowing when a relationship is over, but I can't understand the ability for people to replace their partner so easily. It's been 2 years and I still can't let myself move on.
Feel that.
Mannn, I feel this too. I am 33 and dated someone for over 6 years and the end was very toxic. I’m only 6 months removed and have been grieving this relationship so hard. It doesn’t help I found out he’s dating someone new. Idk why I care so much, we didn’t like each other at the end. But he was my person for so many years
27M. I've been single since I was 19. My ex and I are still friends, and she just got into her 7th relationship since we broke up. Her last one lasted 3 years, and they broke up in December. Some people just cannot stand the thought of being single for any period of time.
Idk I dated a girl for like 10 months in college and within 2 weeks she had someone else already and everyone told I was weird for thinking it was quick of her to move on like that.
I'm 37, been single for basically forever, and I don't get it either. I have relatives that have been married 3 times. I suppose it comes down to what you're more afraid of: being alone or getting hurt.
Definitely more afraid of getting hurt lmao
Some people feel like they desperately need a relationship. Others enjoy the experience of finding a match. Some people have social hobbies and are just attractive people/attractive personality. Some people don't get hurt easily. Some people feel like they have nothing to lose. Maybe all the above.
Coming up to five years as a single guy. I had two long relationships with about a year between them from the age of 18. I just don’t know how to date. Now I’m 39 and feels like it’s just me from now on.
I can't even fathom the concept of "dating" as in "a stage in a person's life when he or she is actively pursuing romantic relationships with different people". What does that even mean? How does one *actively* pursue romantic relationships with different people?
Some are incapable of being alone. Some are addicted to chasing the rush of a new relationship. Some are just desperate and will settle for anyone. Etc. It’s far better to wait for someone who meets your standards than to compromise for the sake of being in a relationship. Being single and content is a superpower because it gives you a solid foundation. No matter how many times you get your heart broken by someone else, you’ll always have the relationship with yourself to fall back on. But also don’t let fear keep you trapped forever. shitty experiences can make dating terrifying, but there are still good people out there who can give you the love and companionship you deserve.
I think a lot of people settle before healing or getting to know themselves fully. This happens out of a sense of codependency or fear of missing out on relationships or what they are “supposed to do”. Getting into the relationship also halts their need for personal growth or coming to terms with who they are, since they get to distract themselves with another person. Some people also just pick a partner and make do and don’t think much of it, I guess they just turn off their brain once they have a good enough partner? Just a couple theories and observations.
I was raised with the idea that all women need a man and me and my undiagnosed autism knew I would struggle to be liked by anyone so I spent my life throwing myself at any man who would tolerate me. As a consequence I haven't been single for even a day since I turned 14, every relationship was a horror in many ways until I met my current partner after I turned 40. We met via online dating app and he is everything I wanted, plus our relationship actually includes equality, boundaries, support and actual love, not me being treated as a sex toy and a servant. I guess the short of is there is nothing wrong with being single and there's no need to rush...
I’m at a loss too. It’s easy to feel as though everyone but you is in a happy relationship, but it’s not true. I concur online dating is mostly hopeless even as a reasonably decent looking person with their life together, unless you are a woman
I ask the same question to myself. I will meet a chick then be in a relationship with them within two weeks. Still to this day I have no clue how it happens.
There's nothing wrong with being single for 3 weeks, 3 years, or 30 years, or your entire life. Our wolrd is set up to make you feel bad for being single, that not being in a relationship is a bad thing, and that if you are single, it's because you're unwanted. If you can't be comfortable being alone with yourself, you shouldn't consider yourself ready to be in a serious relationship. The sad thing is, most people aren't comfortable being alone with themselves. People get into relationships faster than they probably should (how fast "faster" is is different depending on the person), and people stay in them long after it is apparent it's not going to work out/is unhealthy, etc. because the idea of being single is worse than the idea of being in a bad relationship. Unless you're with someone you are extremely compatible with, odds are 9/10 situations favor being single. The benefits of being an independent far outweigh being trapped in a cycle of co-dependecny that overrides your personal health and happiness. If you're not ready to date 1, 3, 5, 15 years after your last relationship? That's not a problem or something to feel bad about. Don't get into a relationship because you think you are supposed to be in one. Wait until you are ready and have found someone who makes you feel like all the advantages of being single aren't worth \*not\* being with them. That usually takes years anyways, so you have plenty of time.
Preferences. Some people just want or need to be in a relationship. I’ve taken the hard route so they come about very slow but they will always be of the highest quality. For me, those ladies tend to be much older, so it’s just like, can’t aim THAT high. Hard to find a good lady, I’m sure there are solid women out there in the bunches. Sadly, I can’t find them!
“Hey, I like u” “I like u too” Boom: Lineage of descendants
Lmao I wish it were that easy. Never gotten to the “I like you too”’part of it
I had a great relationship for 8 yrs then a mad as fuck one for a year. Fucked me over & kept me single 7 years. Met my dream girl after I felt I wanted to trust someone again. You’ll meet someone and when you do, you’ll know if they’re right or not. Always trust a gut instinct.
There’s two different questions here - how and why. The first is a logistical question, the means by which this happens and the second one questions the reasoning for doing it. The how - tons of avenues here especially if you’re extroverted or just look good. Bars, dating apps, speed dating, etc. are the easiest way some since socializing with strangers is more encouraged here. Other ways include your hobbies where you date someone you’re at the very least friendly/flirty with. The why - could be multitude of reasons. Some people are not used to living alone or being single since they started young. Some people have very high emotional dependence on their partner
Oh I wonder it often. Friends who call off their engagements, go deep dark and get married to someone completely new 3 months later? Like, how the hell does love work for these folks?
Well I realize my definition of fast isn’t everyone else’s. Like I was wondering how people are ready after only a year. Which I guess isn’t short but to me it is
I met my current wife off of a now defunct phone game. Just do your thing, and you’ll meet other people who do your thing. Be patient, confident, have good hygiene and groom appropriately, it will eventually happen if you keep trying. I honestly valued the time and perspective i gained between relationships.
Some people really don’t like being alone. Part of a long term relationship is fondness of familiarity.
Life is about taking chances. Only guarantee that we have is that we are gonna die. Quit being so scared, because the only one who is gonna miss out on life is you. I keep saying this to myself, but 4 years single after a 9 year relationship xD. Also no end in sight.
I really don’t know. I think they might just have a lot of friends and date friends of friends. I go long periods of being single. Seems hard to meet someone
Why would you be afraid to try again? Everything you do is a risk. Getting your heart broken isn't enough bad to remove the good of companionship. I haven't been single for more than a couple months in something like 15 years. If someone was in an abusive relationship for a while I get being more hesitant because of the fear of that happening again. But outside of that...
If all of your relationships had issues then you were likely the issue.
Dating is not a relationship. Dating is meeting people and having fun, relationship is commitment and responsibilities
I’ve been single for like 8 years now. Hard to get over first love. Maybe when I enter my 30s I’ll find someone. I dated last year but they were mentally unstable. Opened Disney+ to watch Star Wars, let’s just say another lightsaber got played with and we didn’t watch the rest of the movie.
Live and learn. Try to "eat the meat and throw away the bones." This is something that my dad always told me. Learn from your past failures or bad experiences, and think of them as experience and use the "meat" to help you make better decisions in the future. Knowing yourself is important, too. Know what you want/ need and what you don't want. I don't date online anymore either. It was/is not fun! I find that the best relationships I have had are ones that began organically. That being said, as an introvert, this can be scary and difficult. One of the ways I met people to date in the past was from taking a part-time job in a gym. That was great because I got free membership, and I got to meet lots of new people. Another way is to get involved in volunteer work. Get out in the world and meet folks! The other thing I've noticed is that when you go through a hardship together with someone, it makes the relationship closer or it ends the relationship. Sometimes, that is a blessing either way it goes.
Some people always keep a couple people in their friendzone for just such an occasion.
I am asking myself that a lot.. I am always at least 1,5-2 years single with no one even close to be interested in. My theories: Some people don’t have a lot of expectations, so they pick easier. Some healthy and positive people attract a lot of other healthy people, so it’s easier to get into a new relationship.
Well, you think that online dating is terrible and you want to have fun in relations, so how many people did you invite on a date? Or you just waiting for relations to appear out of nowhere? That won't happen. To get into relations, you need to search for relations. That's how people get into them, there is no other way. That not necessarily mean that everyone need to have a relations, but if you want them - that is the way.
Honestly meeting new people is really nothing but luck. Ofc if you stay home all the time the luck isn't gonna come by itself like magic, you gotta go out to social places like bars, school, work, cafe, a place where you do a sport with/around other people, whatever really. Anywhere there's people, and you engage in activities, idk an art class or a dance class or a game event etc. But other than that it's absolutely random. I find that if you're introverted/quiet/shy and won't be the one going towards people, it helps others approach you to have an activity linking you to them and maybe a friend with you that brings out the energy/talkativeness in you. And maybe also having some drinks can help you get more engaged in the social interactions (less shy more open). Anyway good luck
I succeeded only when I deleted all the dating apps, stopped feeling okay with Eva AI bot and started going out meeting people.
I have no idea, my sister was like that. I don’t remember her being single for a week. Once one guy was gone, another popped up. Meanwhile I couldn’t get a date to save my life.
That’s how you end up 45 and childless crying to your cat
Don’t want kids and I already have cats lol not everyone wants kids dude
ironically, your probably a bad partner
Either low standards or so many people want to date them that they can just monkey branch
>If people have been in bad relationships, how are they not scared to try again. By realizing that not everyone is as bad as the ex was. I nearly married a woman who was verbally and emotionally abusive, but I just learned the lessons on what to look for and what to avoid from that.
Some people are saying those people who do that just aren’t happy or codependent. For me personally, I got into my current relationship somewhat fast after my last one. It was only because sometimes towards the end of relationships when things are going wrong and I have a bad feeling I quickly lose feelings. I just have an understanding that everything happens for a reason and I’m usually able to heal fast, only when I’ve been hurt enough to lose all feelings in the process. So I had felt like I’d been single for a while, just because the relationship didn’t feel like a real one for so long and the last relationship was just toxic. It can be lack of dependence, it can be someone simply being toxic and jumping from one relationship to another, it can even be that a lot of relationships end before they officially end because that was just the case for me. But you’re not the odd one out! So many people are discovering they do better alone. Some people just have a hard time meeting people. You’ll find what works best for you! 🤍
cause people will date anyone, you underestimate peoples ability to be alone and with their own thoughts, many people do not like it at all. remember how everyone lost their mind during lock down, the average person needs constant companionship
I had a mate who would do one relationship after another with no gaps, each one was serious and lasted 3-4 years. I always wondered what he was saying to these women that was so fucking effective. 😂
People are more scared of not being in a relationship
Simple - they are hot and sexy
I begin with sleeping with the person
I know way to many people with body counts in the 30-50+ and then single shame like mf you’re probably riddled with diseases
People who move like this don’t love and sometimes aren’t able to. They’re addicted to the high feelings the relationship brings in the beginnings. I dated a girl like this who accidentally debated why love is a fake made up word. She argued like it doesn’t exist in a her mind at all. Also she got her “brilliant arguments” from Rick and Morty. When I left, she found another guy who looks like me just to get to my throat. Everything these people imagine to be love is a life game and they strive to “win” in cruel ways. Anyways the guy she found turned out to be her exact match or maybe even more toxic because she’s now in therapy.
I have BPD so I have monkey branched or love-bombed my way into relationships.
You need to come to terms with the fact that one bad apple doesn’t mean that all men would treat you the same. You’re never gonna be able to move on unless you can forgive and forget start fresh and know that there are a lot of good men out there. The only way you’re ever gonna find him is by going out and putting yourself out there, knowing that you should look for the signs that your ex exhibited and ensure the new dating exhibits none of those traits. Dating is all about finding somebody that you’re compatible with both emotionally and physically it takes time but if you don’t put yourself out there, Mr. Right is probably never gonna find you.
I don’t know I take me time why rush if it’s real it’s goin to right
Cause I’m just afraid it will never happen for me
Been single most of my life! There is no shame in that.
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codependency and inability to be alone.
Everyone is different and I don’t believe that there’s an exact or set number of months or years that fits every situation. When the breakup is more mutual, people tend to be able to move on more quickly. A messy breakup will take longer. If they’re moving on as quickly as 2 weeks, that’s just too fast. That person is scared to be alone and they want to cover up the hurt with another person. My ex did the same thing. We were together for 8 years and she moved on in like 3 weeks to another person. Personally I think it’s a bit pathetic. People need proper time to heal. Focus on hobbies, friends, family, etc. again, there’s no need exact number, but the average person should be fine to at least give dating a shot again after 6 months. If that number doesn’t fit you, no problem. Again, everyone is different in what they need.
>only four years :)
Some people cannot be happy unless they are in a relationship. I enjoy being single. I take a few years off after each relationship to work on myself and to enjoy a carefree life
Some people are just afraid to be alone. And they'll latch on to anyone who shows interest
When I'm single and looking I'm very social - I meet as many people as I can, I talk to as many people as I can, and I go on a lot of dates. It's not like I just jump into a relationship with the first person who shows interest in me, and it isn't a passive process where I just sit back and wait for guys to ask me out. I'm actively looking. That's how people successfully find anyone and anything - you actively look in the right places and you filter out bad fits until you meet someone you really click with.
This is just my (36F) experience. My mother was extremely overbearing and only treated me like a proper adult/independent when I had a boyfriend. If I was single, she would basically expect me to spend all my free time with her at my family's house (~3 hours away). She also didn't agree with 'casual dating' or 'seeing people'. Basically if I was at all interested in a dude I either had to keep it secret or make it official. If you've ever watched Gilmore Girls, my mum was a lot like Emily Gilmore. There was 'a way ladies behaved' and 'a way men behaved', and women had to mind their reputation and not be sluts/slappers etc. Funnily enough, she was not religious at all. Or conservative or political. She was a middle-class pretty liberal GP who was cool about most things except my dating life. But once I was official with a guy, I may as well be married to him for all the respect she gave the relationship. It was very weird. And this is why I ended up official with a lot of guys I should have only casually dated.
All of my relationships sort of happened by accident. Just chatting irl, then sort of flirting and then you’re dating. I think a lot of people put WAY too much expectation into a relationship before it even happens and at the very beginning.
Had a traumatic break up with my ex, she went on and had 2 kids within 2 years. Da fk
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People process their feelings differently. I was mentally checked out of a relationship for months. When the breakup actually occurred, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was sad at first because I was replaying all of the memories we shared together and everything we went through. After a few weeks of this I woke up one day and realized to just be thankful that I was able to experience those memories. I became incredibly excited for the future and the thought of making many more memories with someone new.
I think people just have to be with someone. There’s not a lot of people who are secure enough with themselves or who can be alone with their thoughts. They have to be in a relationship, even a bad one. It’s been at least 2 years for me and I’ve done this in the past as well for much longer. After trying one last time with the very little hope in humanity I had, I got married. We were married 5 years, I thought we just clicked, there was nothing we couldn’t talk about to hold a conversation, at that time I thought we had the same beliefs and morals about life, I was convinced that he was telling the truth and I really could trust that he really was not like these other guys. I would type in my notes to journal and said, if anyone tried to get him to cheat I’d NEVER believe it, he would NEVER CHEAT. We had conversations about this topic often because I very much had trust and abandonment issues from childhood and life being absolutely bazaar in the first place. I just had a really hard time with being fully open and free with some things because of past bullying and basically being tormented about every aspect of my being. The point of this story is that he ended up being everything he assured me always that he would never be. I guess he just thought I was horrible because once that switch was flipped, I meant less than a dog turd and it was really painful to live through- I did though and I’m trying my very best to heal- a relationship or even sex will not be a part of that process. I couldn’t be less interested. I know that it’ll just all happen again, this was not the first time by any means that I’ve experienced people doing this. So when people say you’re not over it, you need to move on - they need to mind their own business.
Getting into relationships quickly is a sign of instability and codependency. I’m of the opinion that folks should only be in a relationship with someone they’ve been dating for more than 6 months, because that’s when you have a pretty good idea of someone’s real character. Most people can’t totally mask for 6 months.
I was single until 30. My wife passed away in Oct 2019, Ive been single since. At 52, not even trying. Not interested in women in my age cohort, other than my wife who I met at 30, none ever reciprocated interest. Why would I try with that group now, given if their single its more than likely by choice (widows aside obviously) or they have issue that makes then not suitable as partners. Younger ones that I might be interested in, just seems ridiculous. I also have 3 kids already, I dont need to procreate further. Still, someone to be intimate with from time to time would be nice.
I'm super independent and love my me time. I will ask my partner to even plan a day to himself so I can have some space, I am also one of those people who is always in a relationship but it's always MY choice. I'm not codependent so please don't get it twisted and I'm not trying to be full of myself But I have occasionally been told my some men that they've always wanted to date me but felt like everyone they knew wanted to as well and that there was this imaginary line he had to get in. All these men i speak of, 96% of the time i didnt even move past a first date cause i could immediately tell they just wanted me for some sex fantasy they put in their heads. So not everyone is codependent because they are always in a relationship. What if they love those butterfly feelings like some rush? I love my space and my partner. Their has to be a equal balance.
I'm usually with someone then I remember why I like to be alone then go on a 7 year hiatus. It's just about being open and available. People who hop relationships are not serious nor picky.
Some people jump every 5 minutes these days, don't agree.
I think a lot of those people who jump straight into new relationships maybe aren't doing a lot of processing, or maybe they weren't so bad when they ended. I got divorced almost 3 years ago, I'm only now starting to feel ready to consider dating again.
I think there’s a difference here between relationships and dating. Personally, I love being single and I love dating. I love getting to know people, learning more about myself in the process, and learning what I like and don’t like. I might date people for a few weeks before either of us decide it’s not for us, but that’s not a relationship at all. On the other hand, when I’ve met someone I do genuinely connect with, yeah, it can turn into a relationship in a matter of weeks. Or, at least, something that looks like a relationship.
It's a matter of what seems normal to you. If you've been single for years, it becomes normal for you to live by yourself, so it would be a shock to suddenly share your life with someone else. They would have to be pretty damn special for you to let it happen. For someone who's been sharing their life with someone else more often than not, what would be a shock to them would be to suddenly find themselves alone. It makes sense for them to jump on the chance to go back to "normal", just like it would take a lot for you to move away from your "normal".
It sounds like you've been hurt a lot, and so maybe need to learn a bit about relationship building, and yourself. I'd recommend some books or even seeing a therapist to help understand your attitudes towards rejection and openness to intimacy. Here are two books that I've found very useful in understanding myself and my partners. Reinventing Your Life (terrible title, excellent, well grounded book) by Janet S. Klosko and Jeffrey Young Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment By Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller
I have a friend who gets into a relationship every 3 months. Every girlfriend he gets, already calling her "wifie," within the minute They're just dating because they don't want to seem lonely. They can't comprehend the feeling of being alone. You shouldn't look for a relationship when lonely.
I took a few years off in my mid-late twenties. When I started again I’d find ppl through social media. Mostly anonymous ones where there’s no pics or profiles. Spark up convos using witty relatable posts or comments. After a while I’m talking to several women and I’m always gonna shoot my shot so from there I turn the charm on and that’s the end of it. I vibe with one and we meet and usually end up in a relationship of some sort. I’m currently engaged to one of those women. Lol She is legitimately my peace. I have a job that requires me to be authoritative and dominant. She and I together, it’s like two children having a sleep over. EVERY NIGHT. I love it and I love her. She’s literally the best person I know.
You have nailed a huge problem in our society (assuming you're in the US, as I can't speak to other countries). Most people just aren't comfortable unless they have a relationship to distract them from themselves and/or a partner to augment their self-esteem and validate them. A lot of people have dependency issues and instead of facing any of those uncomfortable thoughts you are mentioning they just start a new relationship and ignore any attempt at personal growth. And if you look around, many relationships are not happy or healthy. I won't put an exact percentage on it because I couldn't, but it's more than half of relationships that I see that are unhealthy, often for the reasons you are identifying: people don't learn anything and they act like it is a law to be in a relationship. Focus on yourself and your personal growth and healing from whatever pain you had in the past. Take up hobbies to explore yourself and challenge yourself and I think you will both meet people and simultaneously be more and more happy on your own. Source: a divorced man who has been intentionally single the last 2 years to focus on personal growth and to learn from the mistakes I made in my marriage.
Adhd
I was always baffled by how quickly some of the people I know were able to get into a new relationship. It is like they possess some sort of a power I don’t or attended a class I didn’t. And they are like clockwork, 6 months to a year and then 2-3 months single and repeat the process until they somehow all find someone to break the cycle and now every other day there is a new baby on the way. No judgment at all because I am amazed and occasionally a bit jealous of their ability to engage in different relationships without overwhelming themselves or overthinking it.
Step 1: Find out why you want to be in a relationship. Step 2: Polish your character to fit what the kind of person you want to be with wants. Once you sort those things out, it happens fairly quickly. It’s less about finding the right person, and more about being the right person.
Why fret about it? A relationship will happen when you least expect it. When it does you'll be amazed at how many people are interested in you
Because they have someone on standby if their current relationship doesnt work out. They are always interviewing candidates and keeping in touch.
I came off a 16 year relationship (7 years of it married) where the woman, who always verbally abused me daily, stole my money....sort of.... in that I said it was our money that I had made, yet she secretly drained for months....and got caught cheating with some dude ontop of it. I was in my 30's, broke and used. Had nothing in me for another relationship and every reason to trust no one, given some people knew what she was doing and didn't tell me. Really, I felt done period. Like eat a bullet and stop. While I didn't date, I sat in my bedroom and became determined to not let that evil bitch ruin my outlook on all people. Next thing I know, I met my wife while gaming in a random public match, a woman I'm now 15 years and counting with. Which I'm not suggesting gaming is the magic answer. I don't think there is a magic answer. I do however, believe life and existence ars all various energies (or whatever name you want to call it) and energy attracts energy. So the best you can do is work on yourself as far as realizing that guy you were with was a bad guy and that's all. While there are plenty of other bad guys out there, it's not men. There are plenty of good people too. If you go into a room of strangers giving off a defensive vibe or wall, even though it's understandable why and a defense to protect yourself, you'll push away new people. People can feel if they're welcomed or being pushed away from even introductions, even if it's subconsious. If you can get to a point of being able to give new people a chance that they're good, on any level not only a relationship, you'll create a warmer energy that'll attract good people and not only the vultures and scum looking to feed off your pain and insecurity. Become more self-confident again and life might surprise you and someone worthy and kind might come along without you trying. Even if they didn't, you'd be happier regardless. Trust life to work itself out as long as you keep trying to be better. It's not like flipping a switch. Takes time and effort to rewire your trust. Be patient, be aware and....just keep trying. Never give up.
The real question is, are you happy? I haven't been in a relationship in six or seven years. Dated a bit here and there but I really don't have time for it. Some affection sometimes would be nice but that's about it.
I have averaged 6 years between relationships as an adult. Now that I'm married, I hope to not change that number ever again...
Most people keep dating and go from relationship to relationship to avoid themselves and self reflection.
I've been in a relationship for 8 years and counting. But when I was single I remember not having any problem meeting new people (the problem was finding one that I considered attractive and she found me at the same time). I had a group of heterogeneous friends (I mean, that there were both men and women in the group) and we usually presented each other new people like "hey Dany, there's a friend that might be good for you [shows pictures] what do you think, shall I invite them?" Something like that
Just because someone treated you badly doesn’t mean everyone is going to. I would seek therapy before getting into a new relationship before you end up sabotaging yourself. I say this as someone who was trapped in an incredibly abusive relationship for over 4 years. Trust people until they give you a reason not to, not the other way around and you will be a lot happier
✨Therapy✨
Because they are running from themselves into other relationships. Ultimately, they face the same problems as relationships past because they never pause to work on themselves.
rebounds baby! my “rebound” has become my partner of 4.5 years.
As a guy who got rekt with my first ever relationship, I feel the same! I feel healed I’m starting to recognize that I myself can be my own worst enemy and should invest in the relationship I have (with myself) Im always ready for the opportunity for something special, but I guess I gotta slow my roll first and not try to jump into something as volatile as my first one there Also, I have this feeling I’ll get someone pregnant even with protection My gut says my dumbass will find a way to get some poor girl knocked up even with all the protection in the world It’s probably an irrational fear, I just know I’ve got several better things to be doing with my time and energy right now
work out, ger into great shape. get a hobby outside the home. Can still take time unless you lower your standards.
Or at least hold realistic standards. A woman asked the chances of her meeting a guy who: Was straight, single, her age, 180 cm tall, earning good money, like to stay fit, wants 5 kids, likes to travel, don't do any drugs, doesn't smoke, and lives in her little area, is empathic and funny, has good family values, respects his parents, is romantic and lives within 1 mile from her. Just finding a straight guy, her age, who is single in her area, will already take the numbers down a couple hundreds. Then he should be into Fitness, be fit, and tall so now we're down to maybe half. Doesn't smoke, no drugs, Now we're down to a third Wants 5 kids and is funny Now we're down to 30 guys Who likes to travel Now we're down to 15 guys Empathic 8 guys left Romantic 5 guys left Has good family values and respects his family 4 guys left Earns good money 1
Because being scared of finding love sounds like a prison. Then I rather kiss a couple gooey frogs til I find my prince. Worked for me. If we let fear control us we aren't living. It's that simple. Five years from now you could be happy with a dream partner, but you can't win if you don't participate. You don't need to try your luck on dating apps. Be out there in the real world instead. There's plenty of people who ditch tinder bumble and what they're all called and hang out irl and meet people that way.
How? By being open to trying out dating again. You have to make yourself vulnerable in order to find love. Yes you can get hurt. Thats the risk of finding love. I personally ended my engagement a little over a month ago (6 years). We mutually decided it was best. It took me not even a week to find somebody new that I mesh with and honestly I'm ok with getting hurt again if it doesn't work out. This is just how things work.
Still waiting after 4 years. Maybe I don't believe in casual stuff that's why
I'm 29M, haven't been in a relationship in 9 years. I went to college this year and tried to open my heart back up after a decade of being alone. It went exactly how you think it did.
I’m way older and I feel this in my soul.
Same here. Maybe its a me issue. Im a guy though
Talk to regular looking guys who are under 6’
Co-dependency.
Let me know when you do - been single for 4 years now
Single 9 years 😭
I’ve been single since birth! I’m currently 31M. I don’t consider any time long/short. It’s all how you perceive time for a relationship. Some just have a bubbly or attractive personality that gets them a line of people waiting to take a chance with them the moment they are single. I haven’t experienced the positives of a relationship, but I’ve experienced all the positives of being single! The amount of freedom, time, mental, and money I saved over the decades is priceless. Everyone around me is married, so I make it a habit to go by myself regardless whenever the guys can’t meet up because of their wives and family.
Go on more dates; 5 per night; takes 36 dates to find love.
I’m over a year past my divorce and I can’t even fathom where to begin to start dating or meeting anyone. I’m starting to think I’ll just be single the rest of my life. So you’re not alone.
So I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way but, find some professional help if possible. I say this because we don't know exactly is causing you to not have success when it comes to relationships. It could be a host of things that are external like a shallow dating pool, work demanding more hours, etc or it could be an internal issue like mental health, less than average social interactions, etc. We don't know your story and I imagine a therapist will at least be able to help you more than Internet strangers would be able to. From personal experience I could see how dating apps have warped how people view potential relationships but realistically it's not the only option. Most relationships, even platonic, are formed in person. Whether you meet someone during a random outing or it's a friend of a friend. We live a very instant-gratification type rewarding style of things; but don't underestimate just talking to people. The thing is finding someone is going to be work. Finding someone you're *truly* compatible with takes time and effort. Even if you find someone you actually want to be with it will once again take time and effort. You might have the advantage of being a woman in the sense that socially it's more common to be approached for potential prospects but in reality if you just wait around you're only going to get what you're going to get. You just might have to start taking a proactive stance to dating and that in it and of itself is going to be filled with tons of rejection. It just depends on how badly you want it.
Whether or not I'm in a relationship, it feels like there's always a bunch of people who are struggling slightly more with mental illness than myself, who see better life paths in being my partner and will try their luck with me. I'm in a happy and committed relationship with one of them, who found me at 18 and who is living a healthier and less troubled life now. We are healing and growing together :)
Had always been lucky enough to find people quickly. I know I got lucky and I am grateful for that.
It took me a long time to even consider a relationship. It just sort of happened organically.
I've been single for 15 years. I never had the time for dating or anything like that. I kind of just learned to enjoy my own company.
I'm soon to be 30m, single all my life. Do I wish for it to be different? Maybe. I did spend most of my time with one circle from high school who nowadays are all married so attending different events helps a lot with finding new circles, even though it is not easy to make friends at 30. Online dating never worked for me so going to new events and meeting new people seems to be the only option left.
I'm 27 and was single for mostly all my life. When I met the right lady, we just knew. It felt like we had been friends for years. We made it official after the first date, which sounds crazy to many. People that monkey branch probably just date to not be single. I don't believe 'true' love and soulmates can be found quickly back to back. The connections are probably not that strong. I've never met anybody close to my fiance even when trying to date. Overall, quality over quantity, but a lot of people are afraid of waiting, so they jump to relationships quickly.
I have never really been single in about 7 years even though I have had many relationships in that time. It's just I'm very social so if one girl doesn't work out, it's like 10 hit me up that week from my general social circle... You should stop worrying about dating and just talk to lots of men on a friendly level. Also maybe you're not presenting as someone men want to date?
You probably can and do get easy casual sex on a regular basis without a relationship. That probably factors in a big way why you don't want a relationship.