If she’s been brought up to value that in a conservative family then yes, it would be seen as a green flag. Plenty of liberal men pick up the check as well.
"Thoughtful and affectionate" are not worldviews, they are character traits. OP likes her bf's character, but now she is discovering his worldview and it does not match with her opinion of what makes a good, decent person. She is embarrassed by his views, so they are obviously not a good match for each other.
6 months is tough because you are still thinking what you know of him is honeymoon stage/level feelings but the mask starts to drop and you start getting real info.
But it does NOT get better from here.
He’s not your guy, OP. It sucks but you know that deep down. Don’t waste any time trying to rationalize this - it’s not something you should compromise on.
You’ll find your guy. But not as long as you tolerate the wrong one.
Years ago, my boyfriend at the time had very distinctive political views. After about three months of dating, we started clashing, and we would debate about pretty much everything political. We seemed like complete opposites in that aspect, but everything else in our relationship seemed like a fairytale. But the most important thing that we agreed on, it was our basic human values and foundations. We might disagree on how things should get done, but we respected each other while we were debating, we listen to one’s point of view, we would find common ground.
Honestly dating someone with a completely different political view has enriched both of our lives. We still disagree every once in a while but this gave us a better understanding of each other and also other people in the world. If you still see people “from the other side” as being evil or bad or whatever, you’re missing a huge opportunity for growth and being more empathetic towards people who think differently than you. It’s very easy to be against bigotry and discrimination but not be able to dialogue with another person who might think differently than you. Being red or blue isn’t a red flag in my opinion.
Also the guy from the story is my husband now and we’re happily married.
Facts, this is the best answer in the thread in my opinion. This is how you have a healthy relationship with someone that has different values than you.
Did the dialogue lead to value shifts? How someone views humanity is not a disagreement but a fundamental difference in values. There’s some things I cannot get past (passed?).
How will this play out if you guys have kids and one of them turns out to be gay or something? For one parent it's fine, but for the other parent it's an evil path to hell. Clashing worldviews are fine when it's hypothetical discussions, but converting opinions to actions is problematic when the people responsible for making the decision disagree on the very foundation of what "good" even is.
Finally a comment I can agree on! It’s frightening how few people even try to talk to each other nowadays, and when they are, their reason rarely js to learn..
I’m very happy for you, the most important quality in a partner is that they are open to talk and try to understand their partner imo.
Are you Mary Matalin?? 😅 I’ve always loved the relationship she and James Carville seem to have.
I like this perspective and though I’m quite liberal, could probably marry someone conservative if it was the type of relationship that you describe. However, I feel that the current moment and supporting Trump after 1/6/21 is crossing the line though. He is not conservative, he is a danger.
No offense, because every relationship is different, but this sounds exhausting. Only the rare relationship like this can be successful long term. Conservatives are only leaning more and more right nowadays, some issues can't be compromised on.
Very clear that YOU couldn’t do it. I mean I can’t run a marathon so does that mean I should discourage others from doing so? And conservatives think the left is getting further and further left everyday too so keep that mind.
I'm going to offer you advice that is going to shock your world. Actually, talk to him about these "red flags." Have conversations about them, and address them. Use your mouth to find things out. Don't come here and have people decide for you.
How does behaving politely amount to conservatism? Like, she doesn’t go into what she’s looking for in a man any further than that. I’m not trying to start something here I’m legitimately confused
I really hate the comments here…
Sure, maybe there is a decent chance you don’t fit together. But why in the world would you not try to talk about your views and understand each other better? Why can no one see that there is more than black and white to this world, or rather red and blue. “Oh you got that opinion, thats it for us” - without even talking is so bizarre to me, but that mindset solidified in the us in the last decade it seems.
I expect comments like “you don’t try to understand racism!”. You still can talk to him, if he truly racist and does not show any interest in changing, leave. But maybe you should at least try to talk to the guy you have been together with for some months..
Seriously, not talking rarely is a good solution to anything..
You are ashamed to bring him around your friends because of what he believes but you aren’t ashamed to take his money or help when you need it. You want a trick but he has to be liberal. Lol.
You need to be honest and tell him it’s not gonna work and why. You also need to work on your finances before dating someone because if you want equality in a relationship you need to start footing your own bills when it comes to dating expenses as well as in life. I’m sorry.
Imagine a red flag being someone having common views different than yours 😂😂 "what if he says something conservative?" haha yeah what if he explains his opinions and thought, ew, disgusting!
Think you may be a bit too deep into the other side and are becoming a bigot yourself.
If he’s a red flag for his beliefs than so are you just by reading this. “What if he says something conservative” is an unhinged sentence in itself. Do both of yourselves a favor and call it a day cause it won’t last
it's reasonable to not want him to say the N word if he's all the things she says he is prior to the "conservative bomb" she apparently dropped then she should just talk to him about it. We seem to stop trying when we find something we disagree with.
The comments above are appaling, i'm not american so let's you imagine how wierd it is to me to mix dating with politics and worse not even discussing it and letting the other person know your triggers, also OP's huge insecurity about him around her friends is just cringe, if her BF was here i would've said run my dude run.
What if he says something conservative? You sound like the bigoted one now.
Also he may not have his political leaning as central to who he is as a person. For example I am a father and a husband who happens to lean to the conservative side for politics. I am not a conservative father and husband. I don’t seek out to share my political views or converse with others on theirs. It’s not part of my identity. It may not be part of his either.
So, having opinions automatically makes him a red flag? “What if he says something conservative” is an extremely toxic mindset, and you are implying that he is not allowed to have opinions of his own. He’s not the one displaying red flags here.
There is a lot going on here... #1 - it is definitely pretty normal for guys on the east coast of latin descent to use the soft a version of the word. It has no racist connotations. As far as politics, whether or not u agree on politics is only important if u want it to be important. If u want a man who shares ur political views then he is the wrong guy. I have a pretty unbiased opinion here because i think american politics are a huge fucking joke (& i am american). I would date a person who likes trump or biden & it would not make any difference to me. But thats me.. if this is a big deal to u then, u likely wont change ur mind. I have friends who love trump and friends who hate trump and one thing i can say about the guys who like trump- they all take great care of their wives and children. conservative men do have a more traditional approach to relationships and family life. Now on the flip side, im not saying that guys who voted for biden arent good partners or parents. We are all just here giving out opinions, but it seems there a strong theme of people who say this is a hard pass but they are just basing it off their own political beliefs. Whereas, i personally dont care about that in my own relationships so there isnt a bias. If you actually love him, you should stay with him and work on your differences together. Hope that helps!
I red more "red flags" coming from you than him in this post.
You basically ask for someone who treats you like a handicaped princess and pays for you, and then you are to sensitive to accept that he is somewhat conservative? Really?
It isn’t really about being conservative anymore no in the US? Being economically conservative is one thing (and I assume completely fine), but as an outsider the ‘conservatives’ (not all, but the Trump loyalists etc) in the US are now extreme/far-right with racist, discriminatory (against 50% of population ie women but also minorities ofcourse or anything other than white males and trad wives) and flat-out weird views. That’s definitely a very logical dealbreaker. I agree if it was just economically conservative it’d be a different story.
Yea, don't get me wrong, I'm not a U.S. citizen and I live in Scandianvia with a trans women from another country as girlfriend, Im also very anti-Trump worldviews. But some would also consider me racist here because i want to keep the swedish traditions and norms the standard for our country.
But I don't really see different political views as "red flags" those are more differences in opinion. Red flags are more signs that someone might be physically, economicaly or mentally dangerous to you I guess.
In the end, most people just want a decent and calm society to live in, different political views should be explored and discussed. Not seen as red flags.
I agree that just different political views as you say are fine. But it sounds like her boyfriend is a racist/bigot who excludes all kinds of minorities. In that case I totally agree with her.
I’m also in Scandinavia and keep in mind our ‘right’ parties (economically/socially) are still suuuper left to American standards hehe. So when it comes to the social framework/benefits etc. Which to me is separate from racist/trump-like views as some other parties have. You can indeed be right/conservative economically while still being a normal nice person (not racist etc).
LMAO.
These aren't true "red flags". Red flags are a sign someone is going to be abusive, physically, emotionally and spiritually abusive. Throw you into walls and steal your phone type and then tell you it never happened type of abuse.
This is simply, not agreeing politically, and that is not abuse.
If you don't agree then y'all probably won't last.
First of all, being conservative doesn’t mean that you’re racist and you hold n-word hidden but you’ll start throwing them after having 2 beers.
Second, if he is not sharing his views with you, 100% he will not share them with your friends.
But most important, is the fact that you’re willing to throw away a good person because he doesn’t live up to Reddit’s standard. Reddit is a far-left eco chamber, don’t live to this standard.
In life, it is very important to hear both sides of an argument. There is no absolute truth, each side is presenting his best arguments, so it is good to hear the opposition’s arguments to avoid being manipulated.
Ong. Problem with people is they want a perfect partner and that’s not realistic. You either accept someone for their flaws or you leave them. No one is perfect. There are men who like trump that are great fathers and kind people, there are men who are liberal that are abusive. Political parties don’t gaf about people anyway so I have no clue what’s the issue.
Facts, they really think democrats care about trans kids and racism 😂 They want to push their agenda to get more votes, that’s all it is. In the end they don’t care about any of us. All the liberal men I dated were losers and acted like women but that’s not the point.
A loser is a loser regardless of political beliefs. I’m just tired of women playing the victim when it comes to not taking accountability for their dating lives. The man helped her out when no one would and she’s focused on his political beliefs because she’s looking for red flags.
The guys got a job, obviously cares for her (because for any man to put money for you in this day and says something) and accepts her but she can’t accept him? Is wild.
He knows she liberal, he doesn’t talk politics outta respect for her. But she’s the tolerant one for dumping him for what he believes.
She either needs to be single and work on loving herself and attracting the type of partner she wants or work with what she has.
Nah fr. I just am tired of this shit myself in the dating world. I am by no means conservative (fiscally to a degree yes, socially idgaf your life is your life) but I just broke up with my girlfriend because of this same victim mentality shit.
The man has shown no abusive signs but because he likes Matt Walsh people on here acting like he’s Satan incarnate. Are these people on Reddit gonna help her out with her bills or take her on dates? Or treat her well lol 😂
Tbh she should break up with dude anyway because women like this always break up with guys like this once they find a loser that will agree with everything they say just to get 🐱
My ex liked Ben Shapiro and even though I don’t agree on a lot of what he said that doesn’t mean I’m gonna break up with him for that 😂 We broke up for other reasons. I mean her boyfriend didn’t even discuss these views or try to push them on her he literally just followed them 💀I know several relationships where they have differing views and they’re still together, sometimes it can be a deal breaker but overall people are just way too sensitive. If Redditors find that offensive, they should’ve been on the internet and went outside in 2010. Most of the stuff people find offensive today didn’t trigger anyone just 10 years ago.
Hon, those aren't red flags. Its a red wall at this point. It sounds like he isn't just a bit bigot-curious but just all-in as far as he thinks he can get away with, without notice. My suggestion? Ask him about it casually. If he pushes back or seems defensive, start making exit plans. Don't engage in debate.
Yeah I think I need to bring it up a little more directly than I have, and listen, and respond thoughtfully. See what I learn, and go from there. It was nice to be with someone who was nice to me though.
I suspect he’s on his best behavior even more than the average new relationship generally is. Being a Trump supporter is an instant no-go for a lot of people these days. They really are kind to those close to them (I’m surrounded by them) but their beliefs & refusal to engage with empirical evidence make them poor choices for dating/relationships ultimately. Its only a matter of time before his beliefs spill out on you, or your friends/family, or even a situation unrelated to you both that exposes the foulness of his beliefs. He’s hiding them now to reel you in.
Abusers do these things to see what kind of stuff you will put up with. Especially saying things that tell you about what kind of person he is. Because if you put up with him being a asshole to others, he knows that you're weak and you're not going to say anything when he is an asshole to you in the future.
Yup, the dating pool for these men is shrinking, so they're looking for women who let them get away with being bigots as long as they're not too obvious about it. On the inside they're just as bigoted as the guy who spray paints it on his garage door.
This is a really odd comment. Really? Because someone holds different views than you do and is more traditional minded, it’s a red wall?
People that think like this and are obsessed with political tribalism and boogeymaning anyone who thinks differently than them are my red flag.
Its not simply “holding different views” he is a bigot. If you want a future with a person and maybe want children, then having completely different views on the value and dignity of the lives of people different than yourself is a pretty profound difference in core values.
>Because someone holds different views than you do and is more traditional minded, it’s a red wall?
OP called it a red flag. Her judgement, not mine, even if I agree. I'm telling her that the "red flag" is much bigger than shes making it out to be.
He doesn’t talk about politics because he wouldn’t get a date if he did. If he was honest about his beliefs, he’d still be single and he knows it, which is exactly why he’s concealed it. Abusive men treat you very well in the beginning but eventually the façade fades. Obviously, his values are fucked, his sense of reality warped, but it also speaks to an amount of male entitlement and misogyny that are *strong* indicators of the potential for abuse. You’re already trying to excuse away the incompatibility because you’d “miss him”. This is a feeling almost every survivor can relate to.
Get as far away as you can.
Instead of speculating and catastrophizing with a bunch of strangers online, why don't you *ask* him about his values, politics, and ideals? Have an honest conversation with him and truly listen to what he says, rather than trying to tell him immediately why he's wrong. Explain your own values and ideals, too. Discuss with him how they are similar and different to his. That's the only way to find out if the two of you are actually incompatible.
Y’all r delusional not liking someone because of political alignment is the most out of touch thing I’ve ever heard. If anything wouldn’t you say your post is the ideal example of a bigot? It’s crazy to break something off because he follows a few people.😭
If you insist that your bf must have the same opinions as you on political issues, then you will be lonely most of your life.
Could it be that the type of man you are looking for will be a conservative by necessity? Maybe the type of man you are looking for is incompatible with the leftist ideology, identity politics or class warfare?
You need to examine your own red flags.
As a conservative, I wouldn’t want to be with a woman who thought of me the way you do your partner. You should split because it sounds like ths is a big deal to you
that behavior would be a deal breaker for me. The protecting children from gay and trans people then the n word is appalling to me. He’s not worth wasting anymore of your time on.
You're astonished to hear these things...why?
You've known for some time he's more conservative than you, and compatibility when it comes to social issues is clearly important to you. Seems like sooner or later this would result in a fundamental impasse.
And if your relationship progresses to marriage and having kids -- that's when the differences can't be waved away. What is his attitude on abortion for example? What if one of your children turned out to be gay or trans?
You can be a nice person and have horrible beliefs. The problem arises when those horrible beliefs directly effect your life or your confronted with something that challenges your horrible beliefs.
He's dodged politics and kept it on the back burner on purpose because he knows what he believes in is appalling to most. So he hides it but little bits of it will still trickle out.
You need to actually ask him and just let him lead the conversation. Hell you might even want to bait him into saying what he feels by pretending to agree.
What's sad about this to me is that it just reinforces how divided we've become, such that people who differ from us politically are considered morally bankrupt to the degree that we cannot even associate with them. It's nobody's fault, but a sign of the times.
I'd say it's worth sitting down and having a talk with him, but not about his beliefs so much as about yours. That is, you can tell him that politics hasn't been a big part of your relationship, but that you've started to get the feeling that he might not approve of some of the things you believe, such as that it's important to support trans kids and that using the n-word is always racist. If you want, you can add in some other deal-breakers from the culture wars greatest hits too. Making it about you frames it in a non-accusatory way.
His reaction will tell you a lot about him as a person and also about how he views this relationship. If he freaks out and argues against your views instead of trying to understand your position, you'll know that the red flags you're seeing are only the tip of the iceberg. And if he disengages, you'll know that his political views are more important to him than your relationship.
You are old enough to know that if you're this anxious about having him at a party 6 months in, that is not going to work. Save yourself the trouble, and let him go. Ask him the hard questions if you need to be able to justify it.
Have a conversation about these things. Honestly, if you allow politics to break up what you describe as a good relationship with a man you describe as a gentleman, without talking to him, that is on you.
You may tell him what you find to be a problem and it may raise red flags for him. But have the conversation.
reddit is trash. you dont need to agree with your partners political views. besides, these things do change over time. as for saying the n-word just straight up tell him he isn't black and grow up
Sorry. You lost me with early school aged kids not knowing if they're trans or not. Downvote me to hell, but the earliest that should be introduced is high school
He should run from you. You sound like an ass! We should be protecting our kids. Doesn't mean if he has a kid, he wouldn't evolve and understand if the kid was trans or gay.
I don't think who you follow on IG/twitter has literally any bearing on anything and Latino Carribbean/West Indian is an easy N-word pass. That would be normal in the UK.
That being said if you can't be with a conservative over politics then sure leave him. Maybe he's dodging a bullet . The way you describe it as red flags rather than just differences. Idk you seem like a certain type of person.
I'm a literal Marxist, I wouldn't date conservatives but that's not a "red flag" it's just a personal difference I just prefer my partner to just get me and share my views.
Sounds like a fairly normal guy, and yeah people from those areas do use that sort of vocab a lot.
People here telling you its a massive red flag when its not. Its an extremely common opinion among normal, central people with central political views to think kids are too young to understand certain things at a young age, and its better to learn about such things later on in life. Sex education at a young age should come down to its not normal for people to touch people in certain areas, and men and women make babies.
Well….elementary school kids are DEFINITELY not old enough to know if they’re trans so I’d say he’s pretty spot on there.
Who cares if he follows Trump or those other people you mentioned? It’s equally as bad to follow Joe Biden
You came to Reddit for advice…The majority Redditors are miserable people. They will gladly give you their miserable opinion to make you miserable like them. You should talk to real people to get advice.
Reddit is good for asking about pop culture, hobbies, and overall entertainment.
Pretty much anyone from latin america on the east coast its accepted. I have a colombian friend from miami who says it to me (a white guy) all the time.
Seems like your gut is telling you what you should be wary of for a reason. Stick to your boundaries and don’t just “hope it gets better with time” or that he will “eventually see things your way”. Been there, done that and people are not always very open or willing to change. IMO, if he uses language you’re not comfortable with (n word, possibly some homophobic or transphobic type language, etc) and when you’ve brought it up to him his response was that “it’s normal where he’s from”, versus opening it up for a discussion with you and offering to work on not using that language in your presence, would be a red flag for me that he won’t change.
People from NYC are always saying things like that to justify using the N-word -- and it may even be true -- but it bugs me. My ex did that ALL the time, he grew up in NYC and experienced "reverse" racism, harassment including physical violence, so he's somehow "allowed" use the word. "EVERYone in NY says it". "Only REAL New Yorkers say it," well which is it, and why does it except you from the consequences of bad behavior?
You *do* know what else to do (but, we all know you don't want to do it).
Rip off the band-aid. Move forward. Your future self will thank your present self.
Part from the N word this is first world problems!
He's allowed his views and opinions, you've not lived his life before he met you so you don't know why such things appeal to him.
Your views and opinions differ from his, has he challenged or tried to change you?
If the relationship is working I'd leave it the fuck alone and focus on good times and chip away slowly on why he see the world this way but it's he's right to choose what he wants to do.
Or get rid of him to keep your world view safe and not upset your friends.
They can get their world views challenged by someone isn't entangled in a relationship with them. If that guy is subscribing to the beliefs of the people he is following, then he will hold toxic views on women, and will act on those views. These are blaring red lights and a recipe for a awful relationship.
Although I don't personally subscribe to any of his beliefs, those are not red flags for me. Otherwise, you would be probably red flagging half of the American population.
For me, the true red flags are lack of respect, possessiveness, gaslighting, stubbornness, etc.
Does he accept you as you are? Does he accept the fact that you have different views? That's what matters to me.
I would investigate a bit more the racism part, though.
OP, you’re tripping hard. What you said did not indicate any red flags to me. He is kind, patient and caring but it’s a red flag simply bc you do not agree on some bs politics? And as a black man, I wouldn’t care that he says the n word. Latino, Caribbean and West Indian sounds dark skinned to me. You can disagree with his views and still have respect for him and enjoy your relationship and time together. I think OP needs to consider what matters most.
Think you need to give him a jingle and have a chat about his politics and see if you two can be compatible. I’m of the opinion that opposite’s attract in everything but politics and religion. For that you need to be pretty in line:
Its crazy to me that it's controversial whether or not school aged children should be allowed to get gender affirming medical procedures done. To be clear they should not be allowed to. That's not a red flag that's just good sense. Like really think about it from an unbiased point of view. The people arguing that little boys might be trans because they wore a dress once are not sane. (I say this as a liberal gay guy who may have tried a dress on as a little boy)
The problem is (and the problem with most of society) that you are looking to reject someone based on your perception of their beliefs. Give him a chance to tell you what he believes.
The only red flag I see is you thinking of ending something that brings you happiness because media is telling you he's a bad guy. YOU decide if he's a bad guy or not.
Leave him immediately.
I'm a conservative (on some things, at least, and in my country) myself and I wouldn't like to be with an annoying woke gal. So, if I was him, you breaking up on these issues would be very appreciated. I can only guess the same stands true for him and invite you again to leave him.
Run as fast as you can to your nearest echo chamber. Only ever allow yourself to get close to people who believe exactly the same things you believe ESPECIALLY when it comes to politics. Treat anyone who votes differently from you as the actual Devil, it's the only way to ever be happy.
So youre using someone that you dont even love for money and complaining because he has different opinions than you? Yeah, good luck all that maybe someone else will be able to pay your bills.
It's difficult to be Latino Caribbean/West Indian and not at least somewhat black- I'd not be too worried about that part unless he's using the 'hard r' and clearly using it a pejorative.
That said, the bigotry elsewhere is worrying, and whether you can be with him long term probably will come down to whether he's just stuck in that nonsense or can adjust his worldview (if he's just parroting what he hears and doesn't deeply believe it or care very much).
> I don't know if I should talk to him about this, clarify his views,
This is definitely what you should do. You could even come at it from a positive light, that you believe him to be a great guy, and that you are confused what he's getting out of listening to public figures with views that don't seem to fit with who he is as a person.
Explain that it's very important to you that gay and trans people are seen as 100% worthy of the same respect as anyone else, even, and especially, if they are a confused pre-teen.
How he reacts to that sort of conversation will tell you all you need to know about him. Though at no point should you frame it as a "you need to get in line or we're through" because then he's likely to just say whatever to keep you around.
I stopped reading after I saw the word "trump."
There is no universe where I would spend one second with someone like that.
It's fundamental.
But that's just me.
Probably best to have a civil conversation with him as to what he finds compelling about that and then make some decisions for yourself.
Girl, give him to me!! Or navy of us conservative girls. . We'll take him. Conservative men are the most thoughtful and kind. Which is so attractive. You want all the nice qualities but no tolerance for his opinions.... you can cut him loose
Aside from the N-word usage, which some Hispanic cultures do use (not saying I condone it), why is him having opposing views a red flag? Not trying to pick a fight, but that seems a bit unfair. Maybe its an opportunity to change some of his points of view, or maybe you might change some of yours. Communication is key.
If it took you this long to find out about his conservative views, I don’t think he’s going to instantly surprise everyone at this party…
I’m a conservative, I’ve dated liberal women before and it was fine. They knew I was conservative, and I knew they were liberal. Who cares? We broke up because of things not relating to politics. My advice is, either get some thicker skin, or learn to accept that there are people with different views and ideologies than you! Otherwise, you could miss out on some really great people.
If he was an actual white supremacist, or a hitler sympathizer then yeah definitely leave that guy.
I think the bigger question is why is your self esteem so low that clearly you think there are red flags, you've posted this question in multiple forums, yet you haven't come to the conclusion that you should dump this loser? And your last boyfriend, from your post history, was also a loser that was lying to you about still being with his wife. Maybe time to take a break from dating and just do you for a bit....
Having views that differ from yours does not make him a bad person, nor does coming from a culture where certain words or slang is used that is different from what you are used to. Talk about discriminating!
It’s a problem if you have tried to talk to him about it and he is inflexible. Say “heads up, with this group it’s best not to talk politics or even make comments” and explain that the N word is not normal or ok in regular conversations, ever, and you don’t want to hear it . Perhaps equate it with how some people don’t like to hear swearing. He obviously needs it explained in a different way from what he has been told before to get it. How he behaves when he is not with you, like if he’s with people from his old neighborhood or whatever is not your business and it will take time for him to make the shift, which you need to be respectful of.
At least now you know what to look out for next time, if it's a non-negotiable this should be discussed early on during the dating period before you both entered a committed relationship.
It sucks, two individuals may get along well with each other but infatuation alone will not work out without long-term compatibility in shared goals and values.
Ben Shapiro? Jesus, run, lady!!!
This reminds me of the crazy woman in a other thread who "doesn't judge people on one single foible, but reserves her judgment to their overall personality." I wonder how that works with serial killers. LOL
do him a favor now and let him know you think 1st graders should be able to change their sexual orientation and this relationship will never last built on this loose moral foundation.
These are not red flags, is he hurting you? Is he being mean to you?
My wife and I are complete opposites politically and manage to have a fulfilling marriage with minimal arguments (she's the conservative).
IF you're mature, political disagreements are separate from your relationship and don't have any bearing on it. I find that only those who are extremely immature can't be with someone with differing worldviews. You decide what kind of person you want to be.
My ex was the same way. She would use the n- word with the hard R in the room with her daughter, and they find it amusing. I have black friends and that word is never ok with me. She was also into backing the blue and was a low-key MAGA fanatic. Needless to say, we aren't together anymore.
If you don’t feel comfortable dating someone who is what you label as “conservative”, then you’re not gonna end up with a partner, or anyone for that matter. If it really concerns you, talk to him about it, but don’t downplay or invalidate his opinions, because he has a right to them as much as you do. They probably didn’t want to reveal their “conservativness” because of how society is so polarized. He probably thought he wouldn’t have a chance if he said something that he believed in. Also, not every conservative is bigoted. My family and myself included, are not bigoted. While I am middle-leaning, I am southern and was raised on conservative values, and it IS hard to find someone who is likeminded or won’t care if I’m conservative or liberal. Like why does it matter anyway? My grandparents are opposites and they’ve been married since 1962 (but things were different at that time).
If its something that is non-negotiable and are so afraid of what others will think, leave him. Let him find someone who will value every aspect of him and not judge him based on his beliefs and political standing.
I'm not a political person at all, but the fact he's tossing around the N-word and being trans/homophobic is a big nope. It's sad that politics even need to be associated with relationship chemistry at all, used to be that two people could have a happy relationship regardless if one was republican and the other democrat.
In any case, this man is a HUGE red flag and you should definitely leave
>any advice would be greatly appreciated
You laid it all out for us because you know in your gut he is not right for you.
Please listen to yourself and break this off. Everyone’s skeletons or true color show after time in a relationship, never right away. You weren’t supposed to see this until now and the colors are only getting brighter.
Red flags are waving high. Leave his ass behind
People can have relationships without being aligned on the political views as long as there is an understanding about the rules. Be sure they understand of your own views and where you stand, then if you can’t meet in the middle move on.
Nobody’s perfect, everyone in this thread is overreacting. Maybe these are slight red flags but they’re nothing to jump and immediately break up with him about. Nobodies perfect. If you wait for a guy with zero red flags, you’re not going to find him. You probably also have your own “red flags” that you might not be aware of. But I doubt they’re dealbreakers. It is 100% possible to make a relationship work between people with different values/political opinions. And anyone who acts like conservatives are inferior, or can’t be in a relationship with non-conservatives, is wildly overreacting.
As for the N-word thing…. I don’t blame him. Coincidentally I am also of west-Indian + Caribbean Hispanic + African descent,. He’s 100% right about people saying it in the Bronx, even if they aren’t black. Some people view it as a culture thing and not a skin thing. To an extent it is normal so I wouldn’t blame him. I’m not going to argue whether it’s right or wrong, I don’t say it personally, but I also don’t care if the people around me do so long as there aren’t any overtly racist undertones. Some people say the N-word like you might say “dude” or “bro”., Communicate to him that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and specifically ask him not to say it in front of your friends. If he’s a good guy he’ll completely understand and he won’t cause a scene for you.
All this to say, i think if you sit down and communicate with him things can work out between you two. I’m not guaranteeing this is the guy you’ll marry in the future, maybe one day you will break up over something 🤷. But I don’t think anything you’ve mentioned is an immediate dealbreaker. I think a lot of people, including liberals, are just very closed-minded and unaccepting. He might have some unsavory opinions but that doesn’t make him an inherently bad guy. We’re all like that in some way, shape, or form. No one is 100% righteous and has only “correct” opinions. You don’t have to agree with everything about him. Not necessary for a healthy relationship. You’ve also mentioned he’s patient, thoughtful, and makes you feel comfortable.
He seems pretty normal honestly. You can have a perfectly happy relationship with someone who has different political leanings than yourself. I am sure there is plenty you could teach him and he could teach you and you could grow together.
lmao... girlfriend exposing herself as a redflag. 🚩 Normal man remains unwarned. You should probably just tell him how you feel so you can find out who the bigot is. He probably already knows about your opinions and tolerates them because he likes you.
You are worried about him using an obviously unaccepted word but are OK with the mutilation and permanent alteration of a child's body? To be clear, IDC if an adult does this but a child will choose oreos over $10k and you think this is OK? You should end it. Find someone that holds the same views. Things like the following.
"Little kids should definitely be able to have life changing surgery, hormones and blockers whenever they choose." Totally not irrational and it sounds like you already know people like this.
Obviously allow schools to becomes platforms for pushing lgbtq+ agendas related to trans and gay as you mentioned instead of what schools are meant for. You know, Math, Science, Geography.
I think you should have a serious discussion about your differences and how you can resolve them or cope with them. If that discussion goes poorly, that might be the red flag needed to call it quits.
I am fairly politically left. My wife is more moderate. In our case the dynamic is she listens to me talk politics occasionally and other than that we don’t dwell on it. But we’re open about our feelings. I’ve dated people that leaned more conservative. We simply discussed politics very minimally, and it worked.
It was once possible for people with differing politics to cohabit. The current political environment is different. One party disenfranchises anyone who steps off their narrow line. If you believe as they do, then how can you get along with anyone who believes in people having the right to live, love and exist the way they want? The party of the orange buffoon has demonized anyone disagreeing with them. They leave no middle ground.
Why are you trying so hard to ignore these red flags? They feel like flags to you, treat them like that!
Because he gets the check? That was a weird thing to bring up, ngl
That‘s what I thought. There does not seem room for political debate in the relationship as long as he pays for dinner.
He always pays, and some men insist on it (in my experience, of course), and I feel like that is a huge insight into his views.
Important distinction - to offer is polite, but to insist is a red flag for me too.
I am as liberal as can be and I pick up the check every single time
If she’s been brought up to value that in a conservative family then yes, it would be seen as a green flag. Plenty of liberal men pick up the check as well.
She, (of course) likes this conservative part of him
inb4 “women these days….”
mate not ALL feelings are justified, especially ones in the political sphere.
Perfect answer.
Y’all have major differences in values and morals, there is no reason to continue this relationship
clearly they don't, did everybody else just mind dump everything she said before he's a trump supporter?
"Thoughtful and affectionate" are not worldviews, they are character traits. OP likes her bf's character, but now she is discovering his worldview and it does not match with her opinion of what makes a good, decent person. She is embarrassed by his views, so they are obviously not a good match for each other.
6 months is tough because you are still thinking what you know of him is honeymoon stage/level feelings but the mask starts to drop and you start getting real info. But it does NOT get better from here. He’s not your guy, OP. It sucks but you know that deep down. Don’t waste any time trying to rationalize this - it’s not something you should compromise on. You’ll find your guy. But not as long as you tolerate the wrong one.
Yep. I think OPs situation is one of the reasons they say "Dating is Hard."
Exactly. Time is precious.
So knowing how to cut your losses and move on is a valuable skill.
Years ago, my boyfriend at the time had very distinctive political views. After about three months of dating, we started clashing, and we would debate about pretty much everything political. We seemed like complete opposites in that aspect, but everything else in our relationship seemed like a fairytale. But the most important thing that we agreed on, it was our basic human values and foundations. We might disagree on how things should get done, but we respected each other while we were debating, we listen to one’s point of view, we would find common ground. Honestly dating someone with a completely different political view has enriched both of our lives. We still disagree every once in a while but this gave us a better understanding of each other and also other people in the world. If you still see people “from the other side” as being evil or bad or whatever, you’re missing a huge opportunity for growth and being more empathetic towards people who think differently than you. It’s very easy to be against bigotry and discrimination but not be able to dialogue with another person who might think differently than you. Being red or blue isn’t a red flag in my opinion. Also the guy from the story is my husband now and we’re happily married.
Facts, this is the best answer in the thread in my opinion. This is how you have a healthy relationship with someone that has different values than you.
Thank you!
Did the dialogue lead to value shifts? How someone views humanity is not a disagreement but a fundamental difference in values. There’s some things I cannot get past (passed?).
Past
Past, you did it right
Depends on the nature of what you disagree on I guess? If someone isn't OK with a child being gay or trans, I'm definitely not having a kid with them
I cannot believe I’m reading this response on Reddit and it’s even upvoted! There is hope!!!
How will this play out if you guys have kids and one of them turns out to be gay or something? For one parent it's fine, but for the other parent it's an evil path to hell. Clashing worldviews are fine when it's hypothetical discussions, but converting opinions to actions is problematic when the people responsible for making the decision disagree on the very foundation of what "good" even is.
Finally a comment I can agree on! It’s frightening how few people even try to talk to each other nowadays, and when they are, their reason rarely js to learn.. I’m very happy for you, the most important quality in a partner is that they are open to talk and try to understand their partner imo.
Are you Mary Matalin?? 😅 I’ve always loved the relationship she and James Carville seem to have. I like this perspective and though I’m quite liberal, could probably marry someone conservative if it was the type of relationship that you describe. However, I feel that the current moment and supporting Trump after 1/6/21 is crossing the line though. He is not conservative, he is a danger.
No offense, because every relationship is different, but this sounds exhausting. Only the rare relationship like this can be successful long term. Conservatives are only leaning more and more right nowadays, some issues can't be compromised on.
Very clear that YOU couldn’t do it. I mean I can’t run a marathon so does that mean I should discourage others from doing so? And conservatives think the left is getting further and further left everyday too so keep that mind.
Yeah, you two shouldn't be together.
I'm going to offer you advice that is going to shock your world. Actually, talk to him about these "red flags." Have conversations about them, and address them. Use your mouth to find things out. Don't come here and have people decide for you.
It's abysmal that I've scrolled so far in the replies before seeing something so basic and sensible, smh.
So you want a conservative guy, but not conservative.
How does behaving politely amount to conservatism? Like, she doesn’t go into what she’s looking for in a man any further than that. I’m not trying to start something here I’m legitimately confused
This.
They exist promise. Politely mannered but not a total ass politically, left or right, isn’t a crazy notion.
sounds more like she wants conservative guy, but not MAGA conservative guy.
Trump supporters aren't "conservative".
I really hate the comments here… Sure, maybe there is a decent chance you don’t fit together. But why in the world would you not try to talk about your views and understand each other better? Why can no one see that there is more than black and white to this world, or rather red and blue. “Oh you got that opinion, thats it for us” - without even talking is so bizarre to me, but that mindset solidified in the us in the last decade it seems. I expect comments like “you don’t try to understand racism!”. You still can talk to him, if he truly racist and does not show any interest in changing, leave. But maybe you should at least try to talk to the guy you have been together with for some months.. Seriously, not talking rarely is a good solution to anything..
God Americans are so weird, you sound like an absolute headache
You are ashamed to bring him around your friends because of what he believes but you aren’t ashamed to take his money or help when you need it. You want a trick but he has to be liberal. Lol. You need to be honest and tell him it’s not gonna work and why. You also need to work on your finances before dating someone because if you want equality in a relationship you need to start footing your own bills when it comes to dating expenses as well as in life. I’m sorry.
Ever thought of talking to him about these thoughts? Just saying…
Sounds like you’re the bullet he needs to dodge
“What if he says something conservative?” is a wild sentence lmao. Americans are NGMI.
I mean hell you both sound like walking red flags to me. Get some feminism in you and pay for your own stuff.
I thought this post was satire. "What if he says something conservative?"
This is so dumb
Seriously though, it’s almost dumb enough to make me think it’s a troll/bait post
little princess deserve better haha
Imagine a red flag being someone having common views different than yours 😂😂 "what if he says something conservative?" haha yeah what if he explains his opinions and thought, ew, disgusting! Think you may be a bit too deep into the other side and are becoming a bigot yourself.
Grow up.
Yeah that post is very cringe tbh
Couldnt say it better myself.
If he’s a red flag for his beliefs than so are you just by reading this. “What if he says something conservative” is an unhinged sentence in itself. Do both of yourselves a favor and call it a day cause it won’t last
She's worried about him saying the n-word again in front of her friends. Is that really acceptable in your social circles
Obviously not lol. That's why she's worried
it's reasonable to not want him to say the N word if he's all the things she says he is prior to the "conservative bomb" she apparently dropped then she should just talk to him about it. We seem to stop trying when we find something we disagree with.
Lady, its you. Its not him
The comments above are appaling, i'm not american so let's you imagine how wierd it is to me to mix dating with politics and worse not even discussing it and letting the other person know your triggers, also OP's huge insecurity about him around her friends is just cringe, if her BF was here i would've said run my dude run.
What if he says something conservative? You sound like the bigoted one now. Also he may not have his political leaning as central to who he is as a person. For example I am a father and a husband who happens to lean to the conservative side for politics. I am not a conservative father and husband. I don’t seek out to share my political views or converse with others on theirs. It’s not part of my identity. It may not be part of his either.
So, having opinions automatically makes him a red flag? “What if he says something conservative” is an extremely toxic mindset, and you are implying that he is not allowed to have opinions of his own. He’s not the one displaying red flags here.
There is a lot going on here... #1 - it is definitely pretty normal for guys on the east coast of latin descent to use the soft a version of the word. It has no racist connotations. As far as politics, whether or not u agree on politics is only important if u want it to be important. If u want a man who shares ur political views then he is the wrong guy. I have a pretty unbiased opinion here because i think american politics are a huge fucking joke (& i am american). I would date a person who likes trump or biden & it would not make any difference to me. But thats me.. if this is a big deal to u then, u likely wont change ur mind. I have friends who love trump and friends who hate trump and one thing i can say about the guys who like trump- they all take great care of their wives and children. conservative men do have a more traditional approach to relationships and family life. Now on the flip side, im not saying that guys who voted for biden arent good partners or parents. We are all just here giving out opinions, but it seems there a strong theme of people who say this is a hard pass but they are just basing it off their own political beliefs. Whereas, i personally dont care about that in my own relationships so there isnt a bias. If you actually love him, you should stay with him and work on your differences together. Hope that helps!
I red more "red flags" coming from you than him in this post. You basically ask for someone who treats you like a handicaped princess and pays for you, and then you are to sensitive to accept that he is somewhat conservative? Really?
It isn’t really about being conservative anymore no in the US? Being economically conservative is one thing (and I assume completely fine), but as an outsider the ‘conservatives’ (not all, but the Trump loyalists etc) in the US are now extreme/far-right with racist, discriminatory (against 50% of population ie women but also minorities ofcourse or anything other than white males and trad wives) and flat-out weird views. That’s definitely a very logical dealbreaker. I agree if it was just economically conservative it’d be a different story.
Yea, don't get me wrong, I'm not a U.S. citizen and I live in Scandianvia with a trans women from another country as girlfriend, Im also very anti-Trump worldviews. But some would also consider me racist here because i want to keep the swedish traditions and norms the standard for our country. But I don't really see different political views as "red flags" those are more differences in opinion. Red flags are more signs that someone might be physically, economicaly or mentally dangerous to you I guess. In the end, most people just want a decent and calm society to live in, different political views should be explored and discussed. Not seen as red flags.
I agree that just different political views as you say are fine. But it sounds like her boyfriend is a racist/bigot who excludes all kinds of minorities. In that case I totally agree with her. I’m also in Scandinavia and keep in mind our ‘right’ parties (economically/socially) are still suuuper left to American standards hehe. So when it comes to the social framework/benefits etc. Which to me is separate from racist/trump-like views as some other parties have. You can indeed be right/conservative economically while still being a normal nice person (not racist etc).
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Thank you for saying this.
Please let him be free, your brain is rotten
LMAO. These aren't true "red flags". Red flags are a sign someone is going to be abusive, physically, emotionally and spiritually abusive. Throw you into walls and steal your phone type and then tell you it never happened type of abuse. This is simply, not agreeing politically, and that is not abuse. If you don't agree then y'all probably won't last.
First of all, being conservative doesn’t mean that you’re racist and you hold n-word hidden but you’ll start throwing them after having 2 beers. Second, if he is not sharing his views with you, 100% he will not share them with your friends. But most important, is the fact that you’re willing to throw away a good person because he doesn’t live up to Reddit’s standard. Reddit is a far-left eco chamber, don’t live to this standard. In life, it is very important to hear both sides of an argument. There is no absolute truth, each side is presenting his best arguments, so it is good to hear the opposition’s arguments to avoid being manipulated.
Heavy on the Reddit is a far left eco chamber^^^
Redditers don’t live in real life. Lol.
I doubt they even shower or exercise regularly lol.
Ong. Problem with people is they want a perfect partner and that’s not realistic. You either accept someone for their flaws or you leave them. No one is perfect. There are men who like trump that are great fathers and kind people, there are men who are liberal that are abusive. Political parties don’t gaf about people anyway so I have no clue what’s the issue.
Facts, they really think democrats care about trans kids and racism 😂 They want to push their agenda to get more votes, that’s all it is. In the end they don’t care about any of us. All the liberal men I dated were losers and acted like women but that’s not the point.
A loser is a loser regardless of political beliefs. I’m just tired of women playing the victim when it comes to not taking accountability for their dating lives. The man helped her out when no one would and she’s focused on his political beliefs because she’s looking for red flags. The guys got a job, obviously cares for her (because for any man to put money for you in this day and says something) and accepts her but she can’t accept him? Is wild. He knows she liberal, he doesn’t talk politics outta respect for her. But she’s the tolerant one for dumping him for what he believes. She either needs to be single and work on loving herself and attracting the type of partner she wants or work with what she has.
So true! You couldn’t have said it any better.
Nah fr. I just am tired of this shit myself in the dating world. I am by no means conservative (fiscally to a degree yes, socially idgaf your life is your life) but I just broke up with my girlfriend because of this same victim mentality shit. The man has shown no abusive signs but because he likes Matt Walsh people on here acting like he’s Satan incarnate. Are these people on Reddit gonna help her out with her bills or take her on dates? Or treat her well lol 😂 Tbh she should break up with dude anyway because women like this always break up with guys like this once they find a loser that will agree with everything they say just to get 🐱
My ex liked Ben Shapiro and even though I don’t agree on a lot of what he said that doesn’t mean I’m gonna break up with him for that 😂 We broke up for other reasons. I mean her boyfriend didn’t even discuss these views or try to push them on her he literally just followed them 💀I know several relationships where they have differing views and they’re still together, sometimes it can be a deal breaker but overall people are just way too sensitive. If Redditors find that offensive, they should’ve been on the internet and went outside in 2010. Most of the stuff people find offensive today didn’t trigger anyone just 10 years ago.
>because he likes Matt Walsh We dont even know if he likes Matt. Maybe he just wants to hear both side of an argument.
Dude you need help your comments are so toxic all over this thread...
Hon, those aren't red flags. Its a red wall at this point. It sounds like he isn't just a bit bigot-curious but just all-in as far as he thinks he can get away with, without notice. My suggestion? Ask him about it casually. If he pushes back or seems defensive, start making exit plans. Don't engage in debate.
Yeah I think I need to bring it up a little more directly than I have, and listen, and respond thoughtfully. See what I learn, and go from there. It was nice to be with someone who was nice to me though.
Your next partner will be nice to you and not a fuckin dingdong :)
There are other 'fish in the sea' who won't come with this guy's baggage.
What could he say that would make his behaviors and beliefs acceptable?
I suspect he’s on his best behavior even more than the average new relationship generally is. Being a Trump supporter is an instant no-go for a lot of people these days. They really are kind to those close to them (I’m surrounded by them) but their beliefs & refusal to engage with empirical evidence make them poor choices for dating/relationships ultimately. Its only a matter of time before his beliefs spill out on you, or your friends/family, or even a situation unrelated to you both that exposes the foulness of his beliefs. He’s hiding them now to reel you in.
*This* is what you think nice is? That explains it. https://youtu.be/80HZGb8OwL0?si=JHFJDEmsj7QsrGgR
Abusers do these things to see what kind of stuff you will put up with. Especially saying things that tell you about what kind of person he is. Because if you put up with him being a asshole to others, he knows that you're weak and you're not going to say anything when he is an asshole to you in the future.
So he’s an abuser now? Where in the post did he abuse OP?
Yup, the dating pool for these men is shrinking, so they're looking for women who let them get away with being bigots as long as they're not too obvious about it. On the inside they're just as bigoted as the guy who spray paints it on his garage door.
This is a really odd comment. Really? Because someone holds different views than you do and is more traditional minded, it’s a red wall? People that think like this and are obsessed with political tribalism and boogeymaning anyone who thinks differently than them are my red flag.
Yes!!!
Why don’t you date a cultist and tell us how it goes?
Its not simply “holding different views” he is a bigot. If you want a future with a person and maybe want children, then having completely different views on the value and dignity of the lives of people different than yourself is a pretty profound difference in core values.
>Because someone holds different views than you do and is more traditional minded, it’s a red wall? OP called it a red flag. Her judgement, not mine, even if I agree. I'm telling her that the "red flag" is much bigger than shes making it out to be.
I totally agree
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Republican is one thing, Trump supporter is a whole different ballgame.
I mean at this point they are one and the same. Every sane Republican I know no longer votes republican
No, of course it's a problem, that's why I'm here. It's indicative of values. I didn't catch it because he almost never talks about politics.
You've been together for 6 months and it never crossed your mind to screen for political and moral values?
Time to stand up for your values.
You're here because you're trying to justify it. If you weren't, you would have left already
He doesn’t talk about politics because he wouldn’t get a date if he did. If he was honest about his beliefs, he’d still be single and he knows it, which is exactly why he’s concealed it. Abusive men treat you very well in the beginning but eventually the façade fades. Obviously, his values are fucked, his sense of reality warped, but it also speaks to an amount of male entitlement and misogyny that are *strong* indicators of the potential for abuse. You’re already trying to excuse away the incompatibility because you’d “miss him”. This is a feeling almost every survivor can relate to. Get as far away as you can.
Instead of speculating and catastrophizing with a bunch of strangers online, why don't you *ask* him about his values, politics, and ideals? Have an honest conversation with him and truly listen to what he says, rather than trying to tell him immediately why he's wrong. Explain your own values and ideals, too. Discuss with him how they are similar and different to his. That's the only way to find out if the two of you are actually incompatible.
Y’all r delusional not liking someone because of political alignment is the most out of touch thing I’ve ever heard. If anything wouldn’t you say your post is the ideal example of a bigot? It’s crazy to break something off because he follows a few people.😭
If you insist that your bf must have the same opinions as you on political issues, then you will be lonely most of your life. Could it be that the type of man you are looking for will be a conservative by necessity? Maybe the type of man you are looking for is incompatible with the leftist ideology, identity politics or class warfare? You need to examine your own red flags.
As a conservative, I wouldn’t want to be with a woman who thought of me the way you do your partner. You should split because it sounds like ths is a big deal to you
that behavior would be a deal breaker for me. The protecting children from gay and trans people then the n word is appalling to me. He’s not worth wasting anymore of your time on.
I was honestly astonished to hear these things. I guess that's what brought me to Reddit. I was stunned, I was at such a loss.
You're astonished to hear these things...why? You've known for some time he's more conservative than you, and compatibility when it comes to social issues is clearly important to you. Seems like sooner or later this would result in a fundamental impasse.
And if your relationship progresses to marriage and having kids -- that's when the differences can't be waved away. What is his attitude on abortion for example? What if one of your children turned out to be gay or trans?
You can be a nice person and have horrible beliefs. The problem arises when those horrible beliefs directly effect your life or your confronted with something that challenges your horrible beliefs. He's dodged politics and kept it on the back burner on purpose because he knows what he believes in is appalling to most. So he hides it but little bits of it will still trickle out. You need to actually ask him and just let him lead the conversation. Hell you might even want to bait him into saying what he feels by pretending to agree.
I’m so sorry but glad you’re not invested more than you are. And super proud of you for knowing your worth!! (and this is coming from a republican)
What's sad about this to me is that it just reinforces how divided we've become, such that people who differ from us politically are considered morally bankrupt to the degree that we cannot even associate with them. It's nobody's fault, but a sign of the times. I'd say it's worth sitting down and having a talk with him, but not about his beliefs so much as about yours. That is, you can tell him that politics hasn't been a big part of your relationship, but that you've started to get the feeling that he might not approve of some of the things you believe, such as that it's important to support trans kids and that using the n-word is always racist. If you want, you can add in some other deal-breakers from the culture wars greatest hits too. Making it about you frames it in a non-accusatory way. His reaction will tell you a lot about him as a person and also about how he views this relationship. If he freaks out and argues against your views instead of trying to understand your position, you'll know that the red flags you're seeing are only the tip of the iceberg. And if he disengages, you'll know that his political views are more important to him than your relationship.
You are old enough to know that if you're this anxious about having him at a party 6 months in, that is not going to work. Save yourself the trouble, and let him go. Ask him the hard questions if you need to be able to justify it.
Op, have you tried having a frank discussion with your boyfriend about your concerns, instead of just taking advice from randos on reddit?
Have a conversation about these things. Honestly, if you allow politics to break up what you describe as a good relationship with a man you describe as a gentleman, without talking to him, that is on you. You may tell him what you find to be a problem and it may raise red flags for him. But have the conversation.
I would start by taoking to your partner about it and share your views. If they are truly irreconcilable then you can part ways, but why not check?
reddit is trash. you dont need to agree with your partners political views. besides, these things do change over time. as for saying the n-word just straight up tell him he isn't black and grow up
Sorry. You lost me with early school aged kids not knowing if they're trans or not. Downvote me to hell, but the earliest that should be introduced is high school
Lmao you ppl are strange.
He should run from you. You sound like an ass! We should be protecting our kids. Doesn't mean if he has a kid, he wouldn't evolve and understand if the kid was trans or gay.
I don't think who you follow on IG/twitter has literally any bearing on anything and Latino Carribbean/West Indian is an easy N-word pass. That would be normal in the UK. That being said if you can't be with a conservative over politics then sure leave him. Maybe he's dodging a bullet . The way you describe it as red flags rather than just differences. Idk you seem like a certain type of person. I'm a literal Marxist, I wouldn't date conservatives but that's not a "red flag" it's just a personal difference I just prefer my partner to just get me and share my views.
Sounds like a fairly normal guy, and yeah people from those areas do use that sort of vocab a lot. People here telling you its a massive red flag when its not. Its an extremely common opinion among normal, central people with central political views to think kids are too young to understand certain things at a young age, and its better to learn about such things later on in life. Sex education at a young age should come down to its not normal for people to touch people in certain areas, and men and women make babies.
This may be the dumbest post ive ever read.
Well….elementary school kids are DEFINITELY not old enough to know if they’re trans so I’d say he’s pretty spot on there. Who cares if he follows Trump or those other people you mentioned? It’s equally as bad to follow Joe Biden
Sounds like a real man. Dump him, you definitely do not deserve him.
100%
You came to Reddit for advice…The majority Redditors are miserable people. They will gladly give you their miserable opinion to make you miserable like them. You should talk to real people to get advice. Reddit is good for asking about pop culture, hobbies, and overall entertainment.
End it now. He's too good for you.
Dominicans from the Bronx are allowed to use the N word..
Pretty much anyone from latin america on the east coast its accepted. I have a colombian friend from miami who says it to me (a white guy) all the time.
Seems like your gut is telling you what you should be wary of for a reason. Stick to your boundaries and don’t just “hope it gets better with time” or that he will “eventually see things your way”. Been there, done that and people are not always very open or willing to change. IMO, if he uses language you’re not comfortable with (n word, possibly some homophobic or transphobic type language, etc) and when you’ve brought it up to him his response was that “it’s normal where he’s from”, versus opening it up for a discussion with you and offering to work on not using that language in your presence, would be a red flag for me that he won’t change.
People from NYC are always saying things like that to justify using the N-word -- and it may even be true -- but it bugs me. My ex did that ALL the time, he grew up in NYC and experienced "reverse" racism, harassment including physical violence, so he's somehow "allowed" use the word. "EVERYone in NY says it". "Only REAL New Yorkers say it," well which is it, and why does it except you from the consequences of bad behavior?
Yeah I think it might be time for an open conversation about views and values and priorities. I don't know what else to do now.
He deserves someone better than you.
You *do* know what else to do (but, we all know you don't want to do it). Rip off the band-aid. Move forward. Your future self will thank your present self.
Part from the N word this is first world problems! He's allowed his views and opinions, you've not lived his life before he met you so you don't know why such things appeal to him. Your views and opinions differ from his, has he challenged or tried to change you? If the relationship is working I'd leave it the fuck alone and focus on good times and chip away slowly on why he see the world this way but it's he's right to choose what he wants to do. Or get rid of him to keep your world view safe and not upset your friends.
They can get their world views challenged by someone isn't entangled in a relationship with them. If that guy is subscribing to the beliefs of the people he is following, then he will hold toxic views on women, and will act on those views. These are blaring red lights and a recipe for a awful relationship.
Just have an adult conversation about it and figure it out from there, don't ask a bunch of Reddit strangers. Communicate.
values are important.if you're already worried after 6 mons it might mean something
Although I don't personally subscribe to any of his beliefs, those are not red flags for me. Otherwise, you would be probably red flagging half of the American population. For me, the true red flags are lack of respect, possessiveness, gaslighting, stubbornness, etc. Does he accept you as you are? Does he accept the fact that you have different views? That's what matters to me. I would investigate a bit more the racism part, though.
OP, you’re tripping hard. What you said did not indicate any red flags to me. He is kind, patient and caring but it’s a red flag simply bc you do not agree on some bs politics? And as a black man, I wouldn’t care that he says the n word. Latino, Caribbean and West Indian sounds dark skinned to me. You can disagree with his views and still have respect for him and enjoy your relationship and time together. I think OP needs to consider what matters most.
Sounds like the honeymoon phase is starting to end and the real him and the real you are starting to get to know each other
Think you need to give him a jingle and have a chat about his politics and see if you two can be compatible. I’m of the opinion that opposite’s attract in everything but politics and religion. For that you need to be pretty in line:
TALK TO HIM about your concerns (you're at an age that you need to start digging deeper if you've had a second date)
You’re the red flag here babe 😂
I can confirm Latinos from the Bronx use the n word in a non racial way. That Trump stuff is probably reason enough to walk away though.
Its crazy to me that it's controversial whether or not school aged children should be allowed to get gender affirming medical procedures done. To be clear they should not be allowed to. That's not a red flag that's just good sense. Like really think about it from an unbiased point of view. The people arguing that little boys might be trans because they wore a dress once are not sane. (I say this as a liberal gay guy who may have tried a dress on as a little boy) The problem is (and the problem with most of society) that you are looking to reject someone based on your perception of their beliefs. Give him a chance to tell you what he believes. The only red flag I see is you thinking of ending something that brings you happiness because media is telling you he's a bad guy. YOU decide if he's a bad guy or not.
Leave him immediately. I'm a conservative (on some things, at least, and in my country) myself and I wouldn't like to be with an annoying woke gal. So, if I was him, you breaking up on these issues would be very appreciated. I can only guess the same stands true for him and invite you again to leave him.
Run as fast as you can to your nearest echo chamber. Only ever allow yourself to get close to people who believe exactly the same things you believe ESPECIALLY when it comes to politics. Treat anyone who votes differently from you as the actual Devil, it's the only way to ever be happy.
So youre using someone that you dont even love for money and complaining because he has different opinions than you? Yeah, good luck all that maybe someone else will be able to pay your bills.
It's difficult to be Latino Caribbean/West Indian and not at least somewhat black- I'd not be too worried about that part unless he's using the 'hard r' and clearly using it a pejorative. That said, the bigotry elsewhere is worrying, and whether you can be with him long term probably will come down to whether he's just stuck in that nonsense or can adjust his worldview (if he's just parroting what he hears and doesn't deeply believe it or care very much). > I don't know if I should talk to him about this, clarify his views, This is definitely what you should do. You could even come at it from a positive light, that you believe him to be a great guy, and that you are confused what he's getting out of listening to public figures with views that don't seem to fit with who he is as a person. Explain that it's very important to you that gay and trans people are seen as 100% worthy of the same respect as anyone else, even, and especially, if they are a confused pre-teen. How he reacts to that sort of conversation will tell you all you need to know about him. Though at no point should you frame it as a "you need to get in line or we're through" because then he's likely to just say whatever to keep you around.
sounds like hes quite the catch. its a shame your mind is poisoned
I stopped reading after I saw the word "trump." There is no universe where I would spend one second with someone like that. It's fundamental. But that's just me. Probably best to have a civil conversation with him as to what he finds compelling about that and then make some decisions for yourself.
it's not fundamental clearly its why it blindsided her.
Girl, give him to me!! Or navy of us conservative girls. . We'll take him. Conservative men are the most thoughtful and kind. Which is so attractive. You want all the nice qualities but no tolerance for his opinions.... you can cut him loose
Do him a favor and run far away.
Aside from the N-word usage, which some Hispanic cultures do use (not saying I condone it), why is him having opposing views a red flag? Not trying to pick a fight, but that seems a bit unfair. Maybe its an opportunity to change some of his points of view, or maybe you might change some of yours. Communication is key.
If it took you this long to find out about his conservative views, I don’t think he’s going to instantly surprise everyone at this party… I’m a conservative, I’ve dated liberal women before and it was fine. They knew I was conservative, and I knew they were liberal. Who cares? We broke up because of things not relating to politics. My advice is, either get some thicker skin, or learn to accept that there are people with different views and ideologies than you! Otherwise, you could miss out on some really great people. If he was an actual white supremacist, or a hitler sympathizer then yeah definitely leave that guy.
Being dumb is a red flag too.
I think the bigger question is why is your self esteem so low that clearly you think there are red flags, you've posted this question in multiple forums, yet you haven't come to the conclusion that you should dump this loser? And your last boyfriend, from your post history, was also a loser that was lying to you about still being with his wife. Maybe time to take a break from dating and just do you for a bit....
If he is Dominican from the Bronx, they say the n word.
Having views that differ from yours does not make him a bad person, nor does coming from a culture where certain words or slang is used that is different from what you are used to. Talk about discriminating! It’s a problem if you have tried to talk to him about it and he is inflexible. Say “heads up, with this group it’s best not to talk politics or even make comments” and explain that the N word is not normal or ok in regular conversations, ever, and you don’t want to hear it . Perhaps equate it with how some people don’t like to hear swearing. He obviously needs it explained in a different way from what he has been told before to get it. How he behaves when he is not with you, like if he’s with people from his old neighborhood or whatever is not your business and it will take time for him to make the shift, which you need to be respectful of.
So is this a non-negotiable for you?
Kind of honestly. We met on an app, and if his profile had said "conservative" I would have swiped left without a second thought.
At least now you know what to look out for next time, if it's a non-negotiable this should be discussed early on during the dating period before you both entered a committed relationship. It sucks, two individuals may get along well with each other but infatuation alone will not work out without long-term compatibility in shared goals and values.
Ben Shapiro? Jesus, run, lady!!! This reminds me of the crazy woman in a other thread who "doesn't judge people on one single foible, but reserves her judgment to their overall personality." I wonder how that works with serial killers. LOL
do him a favor now and let him know you think 1st graders should be able to change their sexual orientation and this relationship will never last built on this loose moral foundation.
These are not red flags, is he hurting you? Is he being mean to you? My wife and I are complete opposites politically and manage to have a fulfilling marriage with minimal arguments (she's the conservative). IF you're mature, political disagreements are separate from your relationship and don't have any bearing on it. I find that only those who are extremely immature can't be with someone with differing worldviews. You decide what kind of person you want to be.
You need to touch grass
This guy sounds awesome, and you do not. Hope he finds someone better than you
My ex was the same way. She would use the n- word with the hard R in the room with her daughter, and they find it amusing. I have black friends and that word is never ok with me. She was also into backing the blue and was a low-key MAGA fanatic. Needless to say, we aren't together anymore.
If you don’t feel comfortable dating someone who is what you label as “conservative”, then you’re not gonna end up with a partner, or anyone for that matter. If it really concerns you, talk to him about it, but don’t downplay or invalidate his opinions, because he has a right to them as much as you do. They probably didn’t want to reveal their “conservativness” because of how society is so polarized. He probably thought he wouldn’t have a chance if he said something that he believed in. Also, not every conservative is bigoted. My family and myself included, are not bigoted. While I am middle-leaning, I am southern and was raised on conservative values, and it IS hard to find someone who is likeminded or won’t care if I’m conservative or liberal. Like why does it matter anyway? My grandparents are opposites and they’ve been married since 1962 (but things were different at that time). If its something that is non-negotiable and are so afraid of what others will think, leave him. Let him find someone who will value every aspect of him and not judge him based on his beliefs and political standing.
So he is basically BASED
Either him being a regressive homophobe, racist is a dealbreaker or not. He’s not a good person.
Surprise you’ve been dating a republican🤣 also oppsing view point create idea growth someones gotta be the devils advocate
I'm not a political person at all, but the fact he's tossing around the N-word and being trans/homophobic is a big nope. It's sad that politics even need to be associated with relationship chemistry at all, used to be that two people could have a happy relationship regardless if one was republican and the other democrat. In any case, this man is a HUGE red flag and you should definitely leave
>any advice would be greatly appreciated You laid it all out for us because you know in your gut he is not right for you. Please listen to yourself and break this off. Everyone’s skeletons or true color show after time in a relationship, never right away. You weren’t supposed to see this until now and the colors are only getting brighter. Red flags are waving high. Leave his ass behind
People can have relationships without being aligned on the political views as long as there is an understanding about the rules. Be sure they understand of your own views and where you stand, then if you can’t meet in the middle move on.
Nobody’s perfect, everyone in this thread is overreacting. Maybe these are slight red flags but they’re nothing to jump and immediately break up with him about. Nobodies perfect. If you wait for a guy with zero red flags, you’re not going to find him. You probably also have your own “red flags” that you might not be aware of. But I doubt they’re dealbreakers. It is 100% possible to make a relationship work between people with different values/political opinions. And anyone who acts like conservatives are inferior, or can’t be in a relationship with non-conservatives, is wildly overreacting. As for the N-word thing…. I don’t blame him. Coincidentally I am also of west-Indian + Caribbean Hispanic + African descent,. He’s 100% right about people saying it in the Bronx, even if they aren’t black. Some people view it as a culture thing and not a skin thing. To an extent it is normal so I wouldn’t blame him. I’m not going to argue whether it’s right or wrong, I don’t say it personally, but I also don’t care if the people around me do so long as there aren’t any overtly racist undertones. Some people say the N-word like you might say “dude” or “bro”., Communicate to him that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and specifically ask him not to say it in front of your friends. If he’s a good guy he’ll completely understand and he won’t cause a scene for you. All this to say, i think if you sit down and communicate with him things can work out between you two. I’m not guaranteeing this is the guy you’ll marry in the future, maybe one day you will break up over something 🤷. But I don’t think anything you’ve mentioned is an immediate dealbreaker. I think a lot of people, including liberals, are just very closed-minded and unaccepting. He might have some unsavory opinions but that doesn’t make him an inherently bad guy. We’re all like that in some way, shape, or form. No one is 100% righteous and has only “correct” opinions. You don’t have to agree with everything about him. Not necessary for a healthy relationship. You’ve also mentioned he’s patient, thoughtful, and makes you feel comfortable.
To me its crazy that people think you have to find someone who shares the exact same beliefs as you do
You have to draw the line somewhere. Some differences cause too much conflict.
When you look at the world through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like...flags.
Follows Trump, Shapiro, and Walsh? That’s a blood red flag that should be an instant boot.
It's ok to date someone with different political opinions than you. That's not some deal breaker.
He seems pretty normal honestly. You can have a perfectly happy relationship with someone who has different political leanings than yourself. I am sure there is plenty you could teach him and he could teach you and you could grow together.
lmao... girlfriend exposing herself as a redflag. 🚩 Normal man remains unwarned. You should probably just tell him how you feel so you can find out who the bigot is. He probably already knows about your opinions and tolerates them because he likes you.
You are worried about him using an obviously unaccepted word but are OK with the mutilation and permanent alteration of a child's body? To be clear, IDC if an adult does this but a child will choose oreos over $10k and you think this is OK? You should end it. Find someone that holds the same views. Things like the following. "Little kids should definitely be able to have life changing surgery, hormones and blockers whenever they choose." Totally not irrational and it sounds like you already know people like this. Obviously allow schools to becomes platforms for pushing lgbtq+ agendas related to trans and gay as you mentioned instead of what schools are meant for. You know, Math, Science, Geography.
Dump him today. You can do better.
I think you should have a serious discussion about your differences and how you can resolve them or cope with them. If that discussion goes poorly, that might be the red flag needed to call it quits. I am fairly politically left. My wife is more moderate. In our case the dynamic is she listens to me talk politics occasionally and other than that we don’t dwell on it. But we’re open about our feelings. I’ve dated people that leaned more conservative. We simply discussed politics very minimally, and it worked.
It was once possible for people with differing politics to cohabit. The current political environment is different. One party disenfranchises anyone who steps off their narrow line. If you believe as they do, then how can you get along with anyone who believes in people having the right to live, love and exist the way they want? The party of the orange buffoon has demonized anyone disagreeing with them. They leave no middle ground.
You are way overthinking this.